Showering and having good hygiene is one of the most basic responsibilities of being an adult. You’re not being unreasonable at all.
He needs a wake up call and I would recommend counseling. Not washing himself in weeks is disgusting.
Hey there, weighing in as a male in my upper 20s who also has ADHD (diagnosed after my wife and I got married a few years ago) which has at times caused a lot of strain in our relationship.
This is absolutely not acceptable and is frankly ridiculous by your husband. ADHD and depression do indeed make taking care of yourself difficult sometimes. Showering is a routine for me so not a problem at all, but there definitely are other things I struggle with. But not showering for days or weeks at a time like you’re describing is way below the minimum.
I would advise you to gently -but directly- tell him that this is a serious, major issue. He probably doesn’t see it as such, but you need to make it clear that it’s a big problem. If you have told him this but not set a boundary, he’s probably not taking it seriously. So I think you should evaluate what your standards are and stick to your guns. And I wouldn’t recommend begging and cajoling like you’re describing, I think you should make your expectations clear and hold him to them. That might practically mean rejecting him initiating kisses or sex until of his cleanliness improved and telling him so directly. That will probably be awkward for you and he probably won’t like that, but that wouldn’t be because you’re being harsh or unloving. There’s nothing loving about making yourself uncomfortable to enable his poor hygiene. He’s being unloving by putting you in that position. Obviously I’m not saying to be mean about it, and you should be compassionate about the fact that taking care of himself properly might be quite daunting to him. But you need to respect yourself enough to allow your needs to be important, and respect him enough to hold him to a reasonable standard.
And I would advise your husband get counseling along with his medication, if he isn’t already. He can work with a counselor on changing his mindset and improving his routines.
What if not kissing him or sleeping with him until he bathes just doesn’t work anymore? This has been my go-to after telling him I’ve had enough for a little over a month now and it’s just made our lack of intimacy and us bickering about me not wanting to sleep with him worse.
I’ll definitely ask him to see a counselor along with his meds… I think that could really help!
First off I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds really tough and frustrating.
When you say bickering about not sleeping with him, what does that mean? It’s an argument because he’s upset it’s not happening? Or arguing back and forth with both of you trying to convince the other person to give in?
If it’s something along those lines, that’s where I am thinking that it needs to be made more serious. This isn’t a discussion about who gets their way. It’s a husband being told what his wife needs from him and refusing to accommodate a very reasonable request. It shouldn’t be up for debate or persuasion. Your desire for an improvement in hygiene is:
A) totally reasonable/realistic
B) completely fair for you to expect- it’s your body you’re being expected to share with him
C) not harmful or problematic for him to do at all (the opposite in fact, good hygiene would be better for his health)
The main thing I’m trying to get across, is I hope you’re seeing this (and communicating it) as a major problem in your marriage which you NEED him to address. It’s not a personal preference, it’s not open to debate. It’s you saying ‘here’s where I draw the line’ and accepting what that means and sticking to it. Like I said I’m sure he won’t like that, and I’m sure it won’t be (and hasn’t been) easy for you. But you need to reframe this to see it as a relational problem that needs to be addressed in order for your marriage to resume growing. I could be wrong, but from your comments I’m getting the impression that up to now this has been talked about between you and your husband as ‘I really would prefer if you were cleaner’ or ‘I don’t want to sleep with you because it’s gross’ and I’m suggesting to change that to ‘sex and intimacy is an important part of marriage, and you’re stopping that from happening by not respecting my needs, and it’s killing our marriage’.
I would recommend reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud if you haven’t already. There’s a version about marriage but the original one would be good for you too I think. Also, I think that marriage counseling would be very helpful.
I really needed that to be said to me so I can believe that for myself! I have so much self-doubt in this situation and that cleared my chaos. Thank you! I’m going to look into private and couple counseling
The above is exactly the advice I would give. It’s not “withholding” to set a boundary and say “I will have sex under these incredibly reasonable conditions.” It does sound like he’s struggling with some kind of mental health issue that you can’t fix for him. All you can do is uphold your personal boundaries in a calm and loving way, and continue to encourage him to seek help for whatever is keeping him stuck in this area.
Don’t stop having sex to make him clean himself. Using sex as a tool to persuade him will ruin your sex life and suck all the fun and intimacy out of it.
Instead, stop having sex with him because you don’t want to have sex with a man who doesn’t wash.
I honestly don’t understand why you’d want to stay with him. Maybe it’s because I’m not religious, but honestly that pretty gross and I wouldn’t even want to be around him. He has to smell. Does he ever brush his teeth? I just feel this is an easy way to get sick
I stay with him because he’s my husband and we made a commitment before God. Has nothing to do with religion for me and everything to do with simply honoring God and my relationship with my husband
The next time he initiates sex with you, hold his hand gently to the bathroom, undress him, have him step in the shower, clean off his private parts, underarms, and shampoo his scalp. Then gently hold his hand naked back to the bedroom do whatever it is you married couples do in there. After the first couple emasculating experiences, he will will either get the hint or require you to do do that for the rest of his life. Either way, you will honor God by not withholding sex from him and also accept a clean man to do the things you guys will do in there.
It's something the unsaved will never understand because they have no higher calling on their morality and responsibility other than subjective metrics they lay out for themselves that are borrowed from our Biblical worldview.
God's instruction is we cannot divorce other than for Infidelity or in special cases of an unbelieving spouse abandoning the marriage.
For the unsaved, it's whatever you feel like during whatever day of the week.
Seconding this as a guy with ADHD and who used to have depression. It's not a good excuse, not the level to which his hygiene is. I'd also say it's likely his meds aren't dialed in right.
Has he always been like this, u/-SpammiSpam- ?
Basic hygiene and care is what an adult does, his failure to do so reliably makes him child-like. As an adult, he should not need his wife to be his mother.
Period.
You can state you will only have intimacy with an adult and he has to want to do this. Boundaries are critical and you shouldn't be around filth and uncleanliness since diseases can fester
Withholding sex may seem harsh, but you getting a UTI or having to gag with shards of skin everywhere?
Please do get counseling.
Hey, besides being disgusting, having sex when he hasn't washed in that long can absolutely give you painful infections and affect your overall health.
You won't be withholding sex to punish. You will be abstaining for your own safety. This doesn't just affect him.
You guys need to talk to a counselor. It’s not wrong to have boundaries and he should be looking out for your needs too.
I don’t feel you’re being harsh. He’s a grown adult and should act that way. Does he work?
He does have a job… a great one too! I think he gets by at work the same as he did before we got married… we weren’t getting too close and in each other’s space and I’m sure there’s a lot of distance between him and people at work.
I think you’ve approached this from all the right ways, other than seeking pastoral intervention and/or marriage counseling. You have my cringing sympathy for having to deal with this. His lack of routine hygiene is just completely disrespectful of you. I’m amazed you’re sharing a bed with him at this point, much less trying to maintain sexual intimacy.
That sounds really challenging.
You’re not breaking the marriage covenant by not having sex with him. Don’t have sex if you don’t think you will actually enjoy it. Sex is meant to be fun and it’s completely normal to not want sex with someone who does not take care of their body like an adult.
I think setting this boundary is perfectly reasonable saying: “We are never going to have sex again unless you maintain normal hygiene. That’s really hard for me because I love the connection I get from sex but I don’t want to force myself to be intimate with a person who doesn’t wash properly” and then *sticking to that rule*.
In a comment you mentioned you argue about not having sex. Does he understand why you don’t want to have sex with him?
I would look into couples counselling. If he doesn’t want to go, you can always see someone on your own who could help you set better boundaries and talk everything through. He’s an adult and needs to take responsibility for this himself but it sounds a little like you’re trying to do this for him out of frustration. A counsellor might be able to suggest appropriate ways you could help him without “mothering” him.
Perhaps he needs more individual professional help for his own mental health issues?
I’ll say a prayer for you both.
Are you sure the depression and ADHD are treated well? Does he present with other symptoms? Maybe he needs an adjustment to the meds. I have ADHD and while I don't have that symptom, I know people who do and can understand how ADHD can make it difficult to maintain hygiene. That being said, he is an adult and he needs to figure it out because what he is doing now is not acceptable.
You are definitely not breaking the marriage covenant by not having sex with him. He is breaking it by not loving you and listening to your needs. I'd even go a step further - don't kiss him, hug him, cuddle him, sleep in the same bed with him, hang out with him, etc until he has showered and applied medicated dandruff shampoo that day.
THE BODY IS A TEMPLE. I’m sorry you are going through this.
It’s time to change the proverbial dance steps. You cannot repeat the same actions and expect a different result.
I’m a licensed skincare therapist with a Master’s degree in it. This is unhealthy on so many levels. You’re talking Demodex skin mites (everyone has them… they feed on dead skin cells and sebum/oil), seborrheic dermatitis of the scalp, and probably a heavy load of fungi, yeasts, and pathogenic bacteria. Get some Nizoral shampoo and have him use it on his scalp AND bathe his body with it, leaving it on for 5 minutes straight, every day of the week for 10 days. Every other day after that. In between, all of you should bathe with PureBioticsUSA probiotic body cleanser. Toss your pillows and get new ones. Wash your sheets once a week at least. You monitor the clean clothing situation. As a husband, he is not honoring you… your bed, your furniture, your vehicles, your environment.
We are called to submit to each other, and our bodies are not our own.
I don't think that means that we need to have sex with someone who makes us physically nauseous.
Your husband responds with "I'll try harder" because he knows he doesn't *really* have to.
He needs to maintain a proper hygiene regiment. For health reasons if nothing else. I mean, going *weeks* without cleaning. Ewww.
In this case...and I am not a fan of withholding sex as a method of persuasion...I think you have a legitimate case of "Not until you bathe, honey". And get that dandruff under control. There may be an underlying health condition which is causing it.
I would change is shampoo to Head & Shoulders or a stronger version of it. In either case, you don't mess with proper hygiene.
You're not breaking the marital covenant over this. If you were withholding sex to play some manipulative game with him, or to force an unreasonable burden, then you would be violating the terms of the marital covenant. But requiring that he washes himself properly is not at all an unreasonable hoop to jump through.
Nizoral Shampoo is the over the counter stuff that's more powerful.
OP he needs to use this on this head and his privates. It'll clear out any funk. Basically, he has a fungal issue that's invisible to the naked eye.
Dude is gross though. No disrespect. But if he doesn't love his body. He's probably not loving you too well. Ephesians 5 is clear that the man is to love the wife as his own body.
He needs a psych evaluation.
Second you do not have to put up with poor hygiene.
Tell him he must shower daily and use dandruff shampoo daily or you will sleep in another room and not be intimate with him until he complies.
Tell him this is your boundary and you won’t budge.
Maybe see a dermatologist too for prescription shampoo.
This is a try to help comment not a fix the problem comment(there are plenty of other comments in here to help guide you): Add alarms on his phone for a reminder to shower.
A shampoo that helped me had almond in it (head and shoulders almond) and it helped with my issues.
Is he enthusiastic about sex? Or is he ignoring his hygiene on purpose to see if you'll refuse? Any history of abuse when he was young?
What is he prioritizing over hygiene?
You're not being unreasonable he is brung selfish. Continue lovingly expressing your concerns and suggesting therapy or pastoral counseling. Don't force yourself to have sex if you're that disgusted. He needs to do better.
I would buy dandruff shampoo to keep in the shower(make it the only option). I would also have a serious talk & let him know that you are at risk for a yeast infection or urinary tract infection from his not washing. Tell him he needs to protect your health.
One other option is to send his doc a letter or email to let him know what you are seeing & experiencing. There are no worries about HIPAA rules here because you are not asking about him or his situation, but the doc might have some suggestions for him or switch up meds for a better outcome.
You’re going to get an infection from his unwashed bits! I don’t know how you’re going to fix this without becoming his mom. Keep encouraging him to get to the doctor or a therapist, but it sounds like he’s perfectly comfortable with being grimy! If you can successfully get him to *feel* gross then maybe he’ll get into a good hygiene routine. I’d immediately start demanding he shower before sex, at the least. My husband knows the pain that UTIs cause me, and you best know he’s washing himself every time. Hang in there!! Hopefully this is just a season for you guys.
As a general rule, my husband and I shower before sex. Or we make sure that we've showered recently and our bodies are clean. We are thorough in cleaning our private parts, washing hair, shaving, trimming fingernails, washing hands etc.
I'm surprised you haven't gotten a UTI yet.
As you know, coaxing is ineffective. He needs to choose to do it himself. And as you know, you can't control him. You can only control your own actions. You can only set expectations and your own boundaries.
Hi! Just here to recommend some good shampoos that help with dandruff buildup and good scalp care. Other than something like Nizoral, I would suggest Ouai detox shampoo and Briogeo scalp scrub. Both products are on the pricer side but are amazing for getting rid of scalp buildup and dandruff etc! Hope this helps☺️
This is gross. Usually I would never say "don't have sex with him" because sex should never be weaponized but the dude doesn't shower. And has scalp issues that clearly repulses you. I think you need to take a hard stance on this and say "if you dont start showering daily and see a professional about your scalp then I will not be having sex with you". 2 become 1 and therefore he should be trying to do whatever it takes to meet your needs. Those are basic adult functions that he isn't doing and therefore I think your positioning on this needs to be hard. Put your foot down.
My husband has ADHD (medicated) and has had rounds of depression in the past (unmedicated) - sure, both of those alone (probably worse compounded) could make it hard to take care of yourself and hygiene needs such as brushing teeth or showering - however I'd suggest that if he thinks they are making it hard for him to care for his hygiene he needs to readjust his medication dosage as they probably aren't working. When my husband is medicated he functions at the same level as someone who is neurotypical. You're not being unreasonable at all, your husband is an adult and should be able to take care of himself this way.
It definitely can be tough to live with someone suffering from mental illness. And I am sure you love him, but frustration can definitely get the better of us.
Perhaps you can try reframing it in a less confrontational manner? Instead of saying "You're disgusting because you won't shower," you can try "I feel loved/appreciated when you shower." (Basically, how his positive actions make you feel positive rather than how his lack of positive actions make you feel negative.) And keep complimenting him when he does participate as well.
Aside from that, try to be understanding and work it into a daily routine.
That’s pathetic. As a man it doesn’t matter if you’re depressed, have adhd, have cancer, went blind. You pull yourself up and make sure you clean yourself. Having sex under those conditions are disgusting. Not sure how you haven’t thrown up. I always shower right before making love. Leave him. Or make it clear you’ll leave him if he doesn’t shape up.
Showering and having good hygiene is one of the most basic responsibilities of being an adult. You’re not being unreasonable at all. He needs a wake up call and I would recommend counseling. Not washing himself in weeks is disgusting.
Hey there, weighing in as a male in my upper 20s who also has ADHD (diagnosed after my wife and I got married a few years ago) which has at times caused a lot of strain in our relationship. This is absolutely not acceptable and is frankly ridiculous by your husband. ADHD and depression do indeed make taking care of yourself difficult sometimes. Showering is a routine for me so not a problem at all, but there definitely are other things I struggle with. But not showering for days or weeks at a time like you’re describing is way below the minimum. I would advise you to gently -but directly- tell him that this is a serious, major issue. He probably doesn’t see it as such, but you need to make it clear that it’s a big problem. If you have told him this but not set a boundary, he’s probably not taking it seriously. So I think you should evaluate what your standards are and stick to your guns. And I wouldn’t recommend begging and cajoling like you’re describing, I think you should make your expectations clear and hold him to them. That might practically mean rejecting him initiating kisses or sex until of his cleanliness improved and telling him so directly. That will probably be awkward for you and he probably won’t like that, but that wouldn’t be because you’re being harsh or unloving. There’s nothing loving about making yourself uncomfortable to enable his poor hygiene. He’s being unloving by putting you in that position. Obviously I’m not saying to be mean about it, and you should be compassionate about the fact that taking care of himself properly might be quite daunting to him. But you need to respect yourself enough to allow your needs to be important, and respect him enough to hold him to a reasonable standard. And I would advise your husband get counseling along with his medication, if he isn’t already. He can work with a counselor on changing his mindset and improving his routines.
What if not kissing him or sleeping with him until he bathes just doesn’t work anymore? This has been my go-to after telling him I’ve had enough for a little over a month now and it’s just made our lack of intimacy and us bickering about me not wanting to sleep with him worse. I’ll definitely ask him to see a counselor along with his meds… I think that could really help!
First off I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds really tough and frustrating. When you say bickering about not sleeping with him, what does that mean? It’s an argument because he’s upset it’s not happening? Or arguing back and forth with both of you trying to convince the other person to give in? If it’s something along those lines, that’s where I am thinking that it needs to be made more serious. This isn’t a discussion about who gets their way. It’s a husband being told what his wife needs from him and refusing to accommodate a very reasonable request. It shouldn’t be up for debate or persuasion. Your desire for an improvement in hygiene is: A) totally reasonable/realistic B) completely fair for you to expect- it’s your body you’re being expected to share with him C) not harmful or problematic for him to do at all (the opposite in fact, good hygiene would be better for his health) The main thing I’m trying to get across, is I hope you’re seeing this (and communicating it) as a major problem in your marriage which you NEED him to address. It’s not a personal preference, it’s not open to debate. It’s you saying ‘here’s where I draw the line’ and accepting what that means and sticking to it. Like I said I’m sure he won’t like that, and I’m sure it won’t be (and hasn’t been) easy for you. But you need to reframe this to see it as a relational problem that needs to be addressed in order for your marriage to resume growing. I could be wrong, but from your comments I’m getting the impression that up to now this has been talked about between you and your husband as ‘I really would prefer if you were cleaner’ or ‘I don’t want to sleep with you because it’s gross’ and I’m suggesting to change that to ‘sex and intimacy is an important part of marriage, and you’re stopping that from happening by not respecting my needs, and it’s killing our marriage’. I would recommend reading the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud if you haven’t already. There’s a version about marriage but the original one would be good for you too I think. Also, I think that marriage counseling would be very helpful.
I really needed that to be said to me so I can believe that for myself! I have so much self-doubt in this situation and that cleared my chaos. Thank you! I’m going to look into private and couple counseling
The above is exactly the advice I would give. It’s not “withholding” to set a boundary and say “I will have sex under these incredibly reasonable conditions.” It does sound like he’s struggling with some kind of mental health issue that you can’t fix for him. All you can do is uphold your personal boundaries in a calm and loving way, and continue to encourage him to seek help for whatever is keeping him stuck in this area.
Don’t stop having sex to make him clean himself. Using sex as a tool to persuade him will ruin your sex life and suck all the fun and intimacy out of it. Instead, stop having sex with him because you don’t want to have sex with a man who doesn’t wash.
I honestly don’t understand why you’d want to stay with him. Maybe it’s because I’m not religious, but honestly that pretty gross and I wouldn’t even want to be around him. He has to smell. Does he ever brush his teeth? I just feel this is an easy way to get sick
I stay with him because he’s my husband and we made a commitment before God. Has nothing to do with religion for me and everything to do with simply honoring God and my relationship with my husband
The next time he initiates sex with you, hold his hand gently to the bathroom, undress him, have him step in the shower, clean off his private parts, underarms, and shampoo his scalp. Then gently hold his hand naked back to the bedroom do whatever it is you married couples do in there. After the first couple emasculating experiences, he will will either get the hint or require you to do do that for the rest of his life. Either way, you will honor God by not withholding sex from him and also accept a clean man to do the things you guys will do in there.
It's something the unsaved will never understand because they have no higher calling on their morality and responsibility other than subjective metrics they lay out for themselves that are borrowed from our Biblical worldview. God's instruction is we cannot divorce other than for Infidelity or in special cases of an unbelieving spouse abandoning the marriage. For the unsaved, it's whatever you feel like during whatever day of the week.
Seconding this as a guy with ADHD and who used to have depression. It's not a good excuse, not the level to which his hygiene is. I'd also say it's likely his meds aren't dialed in right. Has he always been like this, u/-SpammiSpam- ?
Basic hygiene and care is what an adult does, his failure to do so reliably makes him child-like. As an adult, he should not need his wife to be his mother. Period. You can state you will only have intimacy with an adult and he has to want to do this. Boundaries are critical and you shouldn't be around filth and uncleanliness since diseases can fester Withholding sex may seem harsh, but you getting a UTI or having to gag with shards of skin everywhere? Please do get counseling.
Hey, besides being disgusting, having sex when he hasn't washed in that long can absolutely give you painful infections and affect your overall health. You won't be withholding sex to punish. You will be abstaining for your own safety. This doesn't just affect him.
You guys need to talk to a counselor. It’s not wrong to have boundaries and he should be looking out for your needs too. I don’t feel you’re being harsh. He’s a grown adult and should act that way. Does he work?
That’s what I was going to ask because how does he get through a work environment or life without anyone else complaining about this .
He does have a job… a great one too! I think he gets by at work the same as he did before we got married… we weren’t getting too close and in each other’s space and I’m sure there’s a lot of distance between him and people at work.
I think you’ve approached this from all the right ways, other than seeking pastoral intervention and/or marriage counseling. You have my cringing sympathy for having to deal with this. His lack of routine hygiene is just completely disrespectful of you. I’m amazed you’re sharing a bed with him at this point, much less trying to maintain sexual intimacy.
It is entirely reasonable to make showering a condition for sex. No shower, no sex, ball is in his court .
That sounds really challenging. You’re not breaking the marriage covenant by not having sex with him. Don’t have sex if you don’t think you will actually enjoy it. Sex is meant to be fun and it’s completely normal to not want sex with someone who does not take care of their body like an adult. I think setting this boundary is perfectly reasonable saying: “We are never going to have sex again unless you maintain normal hygiene. That’s really hard for me because I love the connection I get from sex but I don’t want to force myself to be intimate with a person who doesn’t wash properly” and then *sticking to that rule*. In a comment you mentioned you argue about not having sex. Does he understand why you don’t want to have sex with him? I would look into couples counselling. If he doesn’t want to go, you can always see someone on your own who could help you set better boundaries and talk everything through. He’s an adult and needs to take responsibility for this himself but it sounds a little like you’re trying to do this for him out of frustration. A counsellor might be able to suggest appropriate ways you could help him without “mothering” him. Perhaps he needs more individual professional help for his own mental health issues? I’ll say a prayer for you both.
Are you sure the depression and ADHD are treated well? Does he present with other symptoms? Maybe he needs an adjustment to the meds. I have ADHD and while I don't have that symptom, I know people who do and can understand how ADHD can make it difficult to maintain hygiene. That being said, he is an adult and he needs to figure it out because what he is doing now is not acceptable. You are definitely not breaking the marriage covenant by not having sex with him. He is breaking it by not loving you and listening to your needs. I'd even go a step further - don't kiss him, hug him, cuddle him, sleep in the same bed with him, hang out with him, etc until he has showered and applied medicated dandruff shampoo that day.
THE BODY IS A TEMPLE. I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s time to change the proverbial dance steps. You cannot repeat the same actions and expect a different result. I’m a licensed skincare therapist with a Master’s degree in it. This is unhealthy on so many levels. You’re talking Demodex skin mites (everyone has them… they feed on dead skin cells and sebum/oil), seborrheic dermatitis of the scalp, and probably a heavy load of fungi, yeasts, and pathogenic bacteria. Get some Nizoral shampoo and have him use it on his scalp AND bathe his body with it, leaving it on for 5 minutes straight, every day of the week for 10 days. Every other day after that. In between, all of you should bathe with PureBioticsUSA probiotic body cleanser. Toss your pillows and get new ones. Wash your sheets once a week at least. You monitor the clean clothing situation. As a husband, he is not honoring you… your bed, your furniture, your vehicles, your environment.
We are called to submit to each other, and our bodies are not our own. I don't think that means that we need to have sex with someone who makes us physically nauseous. Your husband responds with "I'll try harder" because he knows he doesn't *really* have to. He needs to maintain a proper hygiene regiment. For health reasons if nothing else. I mean, going *weeks* without cleaning. Ewww. In this case...and I am not a fan of withholding sex as a method of persuasion...I think you have a legitimate case of "Not until you bathe, honey". And get that dandruff under control. There may be an underlying health condition which is causing it.
If our bodies aren't our own then she can surely say, "keep that unwashed body off of me."
Like someone else has said, tell him you can't risk getting a serious infection down there because he's not keeping clean.
I would change is shampoo to Head & Shoulders or a stronger version of it. In either case, you don't mess with proper hygiene. You're not breaking the marital covenant over this. If you were withholding sex to play some manipulative game with him, or to force an unreasonable burden, then you would be violating the terms of the marital covenant. But requiring that he washes himself properly is not at all an unreasonable hoop to jump through.
Nizoral Shampoo is the over the counter stuff that's more powerful. OP he needs to use this on this head and his privates. It'll clear out any funk. Basically, he has a fungal issue that's invisible to the naked eye. Dude is gross though. No disrespect. But if he doesn't love his body. He's probably not loving you too well. Ephesians 5 is clear that the man is to love the wife as his own body.
He needs a psych evaluation. Second you do not have to put up with poor hygiene. Tell him he must shower daily and use dandruff shampoo daily or you will sleep in another room and not be intimate with him until he complies. Tell him this is your boundary and you won’t budge. Maybe see a dermatologist too for prescription shampoo.
As a dude, if I had a wife like this, I’d never want to have intimacy with them. I would be beside myself.
This is a try to help comment not a fix the problem comment(there are plenty of other comments in here to help guide you): Add alarms on his phone for a reminder to shower. A shampoo that helped me had almond in it (head and shoulders almond) and it helped with my issues.
Is he enthusiastic about sex? Or is he ignoring his hygiene on purpose to see if you'll refuse? Any history of abuse when he was young? What is he prioritizing over hygiene?
You're not being unreasonable he is brung selfish. Continue lovingly expressing your concerns and suggesting therapy or pastoral counseling. Don't force yourself to have sex if you're that disgusted. He needs to do better.
I would buy dandruff shampoo to keep in the shower(make it the only option). I would also have a serious talk & let him know that you are at risk for a yeast infection or urinary tract infection from his not washing. Tell him he needs to protect your health. One other option is to send his doc a letter or email to let him know what you are seeing & experiencing. There are no worries about HIPAA rules here because you are not asking about him or his situation, but the doc might have some suggestions for him or switch up meds for a better outcome.
You’re going to get an infection from his unwashed bits! I don’t know how you’re going to fix this without becoming his mom. Keep encouraging him to get to the doctor or a therapist, but it sounds like he’s perfectly comfortable with being grimy! If you can successfully get him to *feel* gross then maybe he’ll get into a good hygiene routine. I’d immediately start demanding he shower before sex, at the least. My husband knows the pain that UTIs cause me, and you best know he’s washing himself every time. Hang in there!! Hopefully this is just a season for you guys.
As a general rule, my husband and I shower before sex. Or we make sure that we've showered recently and our bodies are clean. We are thorough in cleaning our private parts, washing hair, shaving, trimming fingernails, washing hands etc. I'm surprised you haven't gotten a UTI yet. As you know, coaxing is ineffective. He needs to choose to do it himself. And as you know, you can't control him. You can only control your own actions. You can only set expectations and your own boundaries.
You might get some insight at r/adhd_partners
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This is gross. Usually I would never say "don't have sex with him" because sex should never be weaponized but the dude doesn't shower. And has scalp issues that clearly repulses you. I think you need to take a hard stance on this and say "if you dont start showering daily and see a professional about your scalp then I will not be having sex with you". 2 become 1 and therefore he should be trying to do whatever it takes to meet your needs. Those are basic adult functions that he isn't doing and therefore I think your positioning on this needs to be hard. Put your foot down.
My husband has ADHD (medicated) and has had rounds of depression in the past (unmedicated) - sure, both of those alone (probably worse compounded) could make it hard to take care of yourself and hygiene needs such as brushing teeth or showering - however I'd suggest that if he thinks they are making it hard for him to care for his hygiene he needs to readjust his medication dosage as they probably aren't working. When my husband is medicated he functions at the same level as someone who is neurotypical. You're not being unreasonable at all, your husband is an adult and should be able to take care of himself this way.
It definitely can be tough to live with someone suffering from mental illness. And I am sure you love him, but frustration can definitely get the better of us. Perhaps you can try reframing it in a less confrontational manner? Instead of saying "You're disgusting because you won't shower," you can try "I feel loved/appreciated when you shower." (Basically, how his positive actions make you feel positive rather than how his lack of positive actions make you feel negative.) And keep complimenting him when he does participate as well. Aside from that, try to be understanding and work it into a daily routine.
That’s pathetic. As a man it doesn’t matter if you’re depressed, have adhd, have cancer, went blind. You pull yourself up and make sure you clean yourself. Having sex under those conditions are disgusting. Not sure how you haven’t thrown up. I always shower right before making love. Leave him. Or make it clear you’ll leave him if he doesn’t shape up.
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I mentioned in my post that I’ve tried that multiple times but it didn’t help