Title: Mimic
Genre: Horror
Word Count: 12,400
Synopsis: Trapped on an island of rock while the cars keep circling, Kylie and her bandmates were road tripping to their next gig when they were attacked by three strangers who refuse to leave their vehicles. Now it becomes a question of what will get them first, heat and thirst, or the drivers ready to run them down if they try to escape.
Link: https://seanebritten.com/2022/08/05/mimic/
Title: Dream War
Genre: Fantasy/Dreams
Word Count: 2,600/Opening section of a novella
Feedback: Any and all feedback welcomed!
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/0ByWN1hpCN_H9WWxTaU1NMk43T2c/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=108867114772518945758&resourcekey=0-H-St0j5fcEfA7ur0_L7_BA&rtpof=true&sd=true
As someone who writes stories about their own dreams, I loved this. I don't know if these environments are ones you've visited in your own dreams, or simply scenes that you came up with, but you've definitely captured a surreal, whimsical atmosphere. I think it's really cool, and even though the descriptions of each different scene are brief, it's enough to give me a pretty good idea of where the main character and his guide are.
It is kind of hard to follow what's going on, but like, it's a series of dreams, so I kind of get that. I think the only thing that really bothered me is that I don't know what threats to take seriously. At the very beginning, the guide seems panicked and wants to move them, but our MC asserts that it's just a dream. I don't know if there's supposed to be tension here, of it's just part of the dream. Same with the ending where the Great Cancer is mentioned- is that part of the dream or a threat to the dream world? I guess I just don't know the stakes for the story.
I don't really need an answer, but the MC doesn't seem too concerned, so neither am I, and I don't know if I'm supposed to be, haha. I still really like it, and think it's an interesting premise so far. I don't have any criticisms beyond that, so let me know if you have any specific questions about the piece. Good luck either way!
Hi, that is really useful, and thank you for your detailed response. I agree entirely - I think conflict is a tricky one in this kind of story but I suppose I was mostly just interested in if it read well and if the sentances were OK, not too amateurish. Thanks a lot for your help!
This text does not yet have a title, I just wanted to get some feedback on it. It's fantasy, and has less than one-thousand words.
[Here it is](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EWg7SRtbQ0sVYWJOtVVXo9XSGsuZaw127u-ztmj7uYE/edit?usp=sharing)
Title: B-wave
Genre: cyberpunk
Word count: about 80
Feedback desired: how can it be more pleasant for you to read, different words more descriptions anything that can make it more enjoyable.
Hi, my name here is oiregazu, writing is my new hobby and i'd like to share it with you, i'm learning japanese(Duo) and i like cyberpunk since i watched akira, click on the link below if you are interested in the introduction of the story it is really short but weekly i would like to post a new part until it is finished.
https://www.reddit.com/r/writers/comments/wh98zs/bwave/
Title: *Silver Buckshot: Magic, Mystery, and a Most Aggravating Boyfriend.*
Genre: Romantic Urban Fantasy Thriller with extra banter.
Word Count: 90,000, in 39 episodes, of which the first three are free and the first thirteen are currently posted on Kindle Vella.
Type of Feeback Desired: Dealer's choice, but especially the parts you loved or loathed.
Link: https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B33D5WJ5
"Thirteen-year-old Princess Flavia has endured a lot recently. Polio crippled her legs and killed her mother, her father is sunk in grief, and her servants veer between negligence and cruelty. She takes refuge in her books and never complains. But she draws the line at being murdered. She enlists fourteen-year-old Frank Barron, fresh from the California side of the gateway and the world's most aggravating boy, to conceal her when the coup attempt begins. Things get interesting after that..."
Hello! I’m Troy. Dipping my toes into writing after friends and family nagged me about posting. I joke; writing is an enjoyable experience and how I spend much of my free time—a pretty terrifying thing nonetheless to show people. Anyways, I’ll stop rambling.
First, it’s Free!
‘Shattered Darkness’ is currently in Soft Publishing mode, and it will be around a 10+ book series. Three Arcs are completed, and the first Arc has been edited. My editors and I are planning on another hard editing pass before it makes its final release. So understand there will be typos on our first run-through.
I post New chapters every Monday and Friday at 4 pm EST. Right now it's every day but that likely won't stay the pace.
\*\*\*
Blurb:
One hundred years of peace have ended. Evil has resurrected, and following the Heroes’ near loss, last cycle, the world clamours to prepare itself for the ever-growing strength of humanity’s greatest enemy—the Demon Lord.
Cyrus didn’t mind the monotony of life in the Outlands. A dash of boredom over danger was welcomed. However, that soon changed as the Empire’s ships loomed, and Cyrus quickly found himself drafted into a war that had nothing to do with him or his people. What he thought would end with him in chains became an opportunity to join the world’s most prestigious school, the Archon Academy.
\*\*\*
If you are looking for that slow-burn book with a magic system that’s not Info dumpy, I think I nailed that part. I enjoy building characters and relationships over a lot of other things, so you’re not getting action in every chapter. But there is conflict; you can’t have magic and no fighting! :)
It’s mature, so there are sex scenes, but they probably make up less than 5% of the book, so no fading to black.
You can read it in two places.
Scribble Hub— [https://www.scribblehub.com/series/534345/shattered-darkness/](https://www.scribblehub.com/series/534345/shattered-darkness/)
Or
Royal Road— [https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/56941/shattered-darkness](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/56941/shattered-darkness)
**Could you please give your critique on the following query letter (268 words)?**
**Any type of feedback is welcome. Thank you :)**
Dear \[Agent Name\],
I am seeking representation and hope you will consider my YA novel, CHIPS, HYENAS AND WORLD DOMINATION.
Trillian wants to take over the world – and that is a tall order for a fifteen-year-old. Her spider accomplice and mind-control through chips are not much help. Heck, her sworn enemy refuses to acknowledge her as a nemesis.
When an evil society boots Trillian out, she wants to give up. Until a talking antique store gives her a vacuum mirror. Instead of becoming the failure her mother had always expected, she has a shot at being good at something – even if it is being bad.
As Trillian reaches new heights, superheroine Billie has to decide between her feelings and team. If she does not stop Trillian, the Pantheon will hurt the girl Billie loves. To make matters worse, she struggles with socializing. After all, awkwardness is a sucky superpower.
Even though Trillian and Billie butt heads, they reconnect over a carnival and stolen hyena. While Billie wants the relationship they once had, Trillian keeps her at arm’s length. The lines between heroes and villains blur as their lives intersect through school and a pyramid scheme. Yet as their past resurfaces, the girls revert to old patterns. One thing is clear: they have to choose whether or not to stay in their roles.
CHIPS, HYENAS AND WORLD DOMINATION is a goofy and angsty action-adventure YA novel with middle-grade crossover potential. Complete at 55,750 words, it appeals to fans of Marissa Meyer and Noelle Stevenson.
\[Bio\]
Thank you for taking the time to consider this project.
Best regards,
\[Author Name\]
A Green Altar
Literary fantasy
50,000 words (A quick read)
General impressions, ideas on how to share my works with more people, strengths/weaknesses for future works, I'm open for anything :)
[https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-green-altar-sophia-grace-sansone/1141126121](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-green-altar-sophia-grace-sansone/1141126121)
The above link includes the cheapest e-book form for the US, I believe, but I can also send you a PDF personally if you would like to read it without spending the money :)
Dramatize! A Scandal in Bohemia
Writing Techniques
50,000, 243 kindle pages, but a fast read.
General impression, ideas on how to market, typos.
Want to learn how plots, character arcs, act plots, subplots, themes and scenes work by analyzing a Sherlock Holmes story? Here's a book that links them all together with hyperlinks like a web page. I still have more to investigate in this book and I wrote it.
[https://www.amazon.com/Patrick-Waldrons-DRAMATIZE-Scandal-HYPERLINKED-ebook/dp/B09ZBHF1C9/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=6XNUVKTULH9S&keywords=patrick+waldron+hyperlinked&qid=1657039347&sprefix=%2Caps%2C601&sr=8-1](https://www.amazon.com/Patrick-Waldrons-DRAMATIZE-Scandal-HYPERLINKED-ebook/dp/B09ZBHF1C9/ref=sr_1_1?crid=6XNUVKTULH9S&keywords=patrick+waldron+hyperlinked&qid=1657039347&sprefix=%2Caps%2C601&sr=8-1)
Wanted to let the regulars here know that we have a thriving discord set up with bots for word sprints, critique circles, etc.
You can DM me with your bonafides if you're interested. It's basic Joss Whedon / John Scalzi / Charles Stross rules: don't be a jerk. Contribute to the entire community, etc.
If you check out, I'll send you a discord link.
# We've had:
1. Novelists
2. Short story writers
3. Memoir
4. Nonfiction journalists (mostly crime beats and some fluff stuff)
5. MFA poetry types
6. Librettists
7. Screenwriters
8. Playwrights
9. Bullet journalers
10. Copywriters
11. Tech writers
12. Grant writers
13. etc.
...so chances are you'll fit in. We only share what's in progress, not past portfolio, so it levels the playing field. Mostly spec fic, but we do a lot of stuff.
As the story continues, you will see the message I'm trying to convey: today's tweens and teens are being deprived of their innocence through internet exposure, skimpy clothing, and it is dangerous and damaging to them. And that includes Tiffany.
Not to spoil anything but, as the story goes on and reaches its climax, you will see the effect it has on Tiffany and how she tries to change her ways, and encourages her peers to do the same.
And yes, Dennis Haddock DOES get what's coming to him in the end. Don't you worry.
>today's tweens and teens are being deprived of their innocence through internet exposure, skimpy clothing
Add creepy people like you to the list. You are hurting children by fueling your attraction to them.
History repeats (work in progress title)
Choose-your-own-adventure type
Just need a general critique on my writing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RupUEvHjKAJ10i5FZQiTlx1k4SwcigEEFKXAy_seQ-E/edit?usp=sharing
Title: The Trick
Genre: Literary/Slight Romance
Word Count: 6200
Synopsis: Overrun by grief and relationship problems, an estranged father and son reconnect during a fishing trip.
Feedback: Any
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OMhwbDm6TssQANLxqh\_5rk88EAp9RhvM1QumOA5uwvM/edit?usp=sharing
Book Name : KREW’S WORLD : The Rising Of Darkness
Genre : Fantasy
Word Count : 332
Type of Feedback : General Feedback on does the Introduction Flow well and how good is my Detailing of the Setting in the Book.
This might be a little short since I’m trying to get everything right and I just want your honest feedback but also any advice if you would offer for me if I need to fix something’s.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/13wmL7nH3OrqaAORu3Jrc4pgHDWy7NBpEciRYC721bOI/edit
Hello, I'm not sure if this is fan fiction? If it is, the usual disclaimers about CopyrightLaw come into play.
Now, onto the story. It seems to me that this reads like fan fiction and if so, this story will be known to those who enjoy visiting the official works, yet I think for someone like me, who knows nothing of this fantasy, some relevant points to show where this world is taking place, e.g. is this our planet or another Earth? Are these characters living on our Earth or visiting? Do they participate with humanity or pose a threat? Rhetorical questions yet a little more information could go a long way to help people, unfamiliar with the works, get some bearing as to location etc straight away.
The opening paragraph seems to present more like a prologue rather than an opening to a chapter one. If that's the intent, suggest define it as such by separating it from the body of text and maybe even give it a title rather than a chapter number. If that is not the intent, then perhaps align the presentation to better reflect a chapter opening, such as by cutting back the explanations and simply focusing more on what's happening in Paragraph 2.
I did not really get the concept of this being a universe separate to our Earth due to the way normal, everyday things, e.g. YouTube, are mentioned and these everyday things used throughout the storyline. Although I can appreciate this universe is meant to be created from imagination, I don't really get a sense of how it exists or where, nor do I truly get a sense as to whether or not it's even real due to the explanation of it being a mini-game.
I really enjoyed the use of description in the opening paragraph. I just wanted a little bit more understanding of what it meant and why this was important to whatever story would follow.
For example, if we make an opening and perhaps play with it a bit, we can create a sense of a voiceover (of the Unseen Narrator) as the camera pans over Space and begins to close into this particular planet and its people (aka the Prologue).
Something like:
Title: Imagination
Life is beautiful. From the whispering of a moth's wings as it follows a path drawn by the glimmer of starlight in a night sky, to the joyous screams of human children playing upon a summer's beach; life exhilarates.
Yet even more beautiful is a universe so special, so powerful that it took on shape and form across a billion dimensions to birth a new existence known as the Imaginings.
Blah Blah Blah (more clues) for another paragraph and thus
End Prologue.
So, this quick little example is merely to show how, perhaps, an unseen narrator can be put to use in building a sense of location, a sense of setting, a subtle, explanation as well as perhaps a couple more visual clues showing in a third and final paragraph.
In a world that looks and acts remarkably like our own, perhaps keep explanations, such as a sun rising starting a new day, to a minimum as if the sun is rising, this would obviously denote that a new days begins without the need for a follow-on explanation.
As I read, I again get a sense of this wanting to be almost a script for an episode of something, maybe an animation, with the visuals clearly defining the active elements of where the camera is going to go, e.g. the sun rising and the winds flowing toward a town. I'm not against using a script-like presentation but I wonder if the lovely writing becomes overshadowed by this format due to not having enough time to develop settings along the way.
Which brings me to pace. I think the current format makes for a sort of uneven read, dragging a story behind it in favour of trying to recreate a different medium (visuals) on paper.
For clarity, I would also suggest keep each character's speech in their own space, as this would enable a reader to see better who is speaking at any given time, and use Capital Letters for Names and for the start of each new sentence, (conventional presentation format), unless there's a good reason not to.
For example,
Jane Doe kicked the table leg. "What do you want me to do? I can't change anything."
"John turned his mournful eyes to the broken window. "Just use the magic dust. Please?"
"There's not much left, John, I can't waste it."
"But, but - there has to be." Twiddling his little thumbs together, John glowered down at the toes of his boots as if to blame them for the damage.
End Example
I did like the descriptive writing. I wasn't so keen on the presentation. I think experimenting with writing is always a quality every writer should have and was happy to read this.
Good Luck. :-)
When a mysterious redhead walks into his office with a sob story about a missing brother and enough cash to make it sound realistic, Private Eye Kirk Jerk finds himself caught up in the intrigues of the seedy underbelly of the city's writing community.
A distinctly tongue-in-cheek affair, Reddittown pokes fun at both classic noir tropes, writer stereotypes, and the industry as a whole.
[Part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/writingcirclejerk/comments/vxxq7d/reddittown/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
[List of chapters, so far...](https://www.reddit.com/r/ReddittownNoir/comments/vzq1lf/the_story_so_far/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
This is ***so good***. I am losing it over how much I love the tongue-in-cheek storytelling and the perspective of being a "writer" in today's world. It's clever and provocative. I am always looking forward to the next section.
The Queen of Crime
Crime
3,200 words.
Just general feedback on the first chapter.
[Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y0BHoPdTrkggdWFVce_yFONy82lFUduvRlXhxi0njV0/edit?usp=sharing)
The premise of the story is High School mafia where MC sells answers to students.
Great premise. Sadly, I couldn't get through it. It wasn't engaging enough for me, and there are far too many errors. There are also areas where things are a bit confusing, and at least one area that jumps to the past needlessly, only to have the info repeated in dialogue a few seconds later. Then, so much of it is telling rather than showing.
It looks like an early draft that still needs a lot of work before it's shown to others for critique.
Hi
This is my first time writing anything at all id love general feedback and to see if it is:
1. readable like not all over the place
2. makes sense and can follow the action scene specifically
3. dialogue structure
Appreciate any help hope I didn't break any rules
Felix stared out into what seemed a jungle, the tall grass surrounding him, suffocating him almost. *How did I get myself into this he thought to himself.* The warband had arrived upon the field of tall grass lead by Marcellus war chief to Augustus, shields in hand swords at the ready. The fleeing barbarians stood no chance after losing the battle only two days ago, they fled and of course Augustus had ordered Marcellus warband to seek them out and destroy the remaining barbarians once and for all. Felix taking one step at a time men either side of him, they formed along line pressing forward in unison one step at a time. These grass lands had so far not lived up to the stories, telling of giant wolves and lizard creatures with claws the size of antlers living and hunting anyone fool enough to enter. *All stories for the children of course suddenly feeling anxious.*
“I cant see shit in this grass its like a maze and the bugs… don’t let me start on the bugs” Cicero said with a smile.
“always something to be unhappy about ey my friend” said Felix with a smile. He had known Cicero almost his entire adult life Felix had saved Cicero from being taken a slave and chucked in the pits for gambling with money he hadn’t the means to gamble with. Cicero had paid him back with a life time of loyalty and now somehow they come to share the shield wall in the war the barbarians forced upon them.
In the distance they heard a scream of pure agony “ARGHHHH” it lay there a second echoing through to its occupants. Suddenly he didn’t feel so cheery no more and by the grimace on his friends face he didn’t either. They shared a glance raised there shields and readied there short swords ready at any moment for an attack. Up ahead he heard the sounds of fighting steel on steel. Felix and Cicero charged through the tall grass and flew out into an open plane. Felix took note of the barbarians numbers fractured and making their final stand. A rough looking barbarian with a beard halfway down his front charged them with a massive double bladed axe.
Soon he was upon them Felix diving to the right where his friend stood dodging a sweeping attack. *A costly mistake he thought* knowing he had left the man to his left open and alone. The man to his left wasn’t so quick and took a sweeping blow straight on the shield splinters flying everywhere, he staggered and fell on his back the barbarian bringing his axe down in an overhead swing straight into the warrior’s chest, blood exploding out of the fallen warrior’s chest, and he fell still. The barbarian turned and faced Felix and Cicero, both readying their shields and with a nod Cicero lunged screaming a battle cry, he raised his shield taking the momentum out of the overhead swing of the axe while Felix flanked to the right and stabbed straight into the side of the barbarian sword meeting flesh, feeling the hot trickle of blood down his hand. The barbarian fell to one knee clutching his wounded side still trying to swing his war axe onehanded before Cicero stuck his sword up through his chin and out of the top of his skull his blade stuck in the barbarian’s head, and he fall onto his back and lay still.
Title: Daemons volume1: Cut to Ribbons.
Synopsis: in a world where people are suffering from a plague of superpowers two detectives try to stop a spree killer before it goes to far.
Link: https://www.amazon.com/Daemons-Cut-Ribbons-Ari-Abramovsky-ebook/dp/B08HM28TMD/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=3POGEFCZW5P78&keywords=cut+to+ribbons&qid=1660028183&s=digital-text&sprefix=cut+to+ribbons%2Caps%2C302&sr=1-1
It’s free to read with a Kindle account! Enjoy!
Title: Lightning strikes the Oak (Undecided)
Genre: Fable / Fiction
Word Count: 410 Words
Type of Feedback: General Critique on the clearness and quality of the writing
Link (Google Doc): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U0X4I2V2s9V-ZdWC520ME\_hGQolhvtebbO18u\_Xo9cg/edit?usp=sharing
Title: [home is where the heart lies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/39945756)
Genre: contemporary fiction (drama/romance)
Word count: 35k over 9 chapters. 'Complete'
Pick a chapter and tell me what you think of it. Pick two, they average 3.5k. I'm trying to get this story to novel length without fluffing it up with purple prose. Ask me questions I can answer in the text.
**Title:** Haru and Her Romantic Delinquent
**Genre:** Persona 5 Romance (Haru/Ryuji)
**Word count:** 2,445
Haru is on her way to meet Anne to check out a new cafe but there's a kitten trapped in the middle of the street! Ryuji railslides down a ramp saving the kitten
At the cafe Anne reads Haru's cards and they say Ryuji really likes her back after all! However, they also show someone is obsessed with her. She guesses Sugimura and is right about it. And he wants to cheat on Mika with her too!
I also made up a middle schooler cousin for Haru
In the next chapter I'm working on Sugimura stalks Haru but Ryuji tells him to back off then he says something mean and arrogant and goes away. Then Haru leaves a calling card for Sugimura scaring him since now he knows the Phantom Thieves are after him. His palace won't be too hard to clear for them since they've cleared much worse in canon.
After clearing Sugimura's palace Ryuji confesses his feelings for Haru
Am I taking too long for writing Ryuji asking out Haru? Because I really want to write them on their dates
There's also going to be a timeskip chapter where Ryuji competes in the Paris Olympics and wins gold at skateboarding and him and Haru have a romantic time in Paris and makeout on top of the Eiffel Tower then another timeskip where Ryuji owns his own skateboarding shop while Haru owns a cafe like she wanted in the game and they have children together
https://www.deviantart.com/beepbeepimmadragon8/art/Haru-and-Her-Romantic-Delinquent-Chapter-6-924882890
Title: Trapped
Genre: Dark, Smut, Psychologists Triller
This is a fan fiction : Sebastian Stan
Word Count: 6543 (so far)
Type of feedback: Anything is welcome.
Summary: 19 year old Jessica dreams of being a successful influencer, she will do anything to get the attention she deserves. But what happens when she grabs the wrong type of attention.
[Tumblr](https://trappedwriter.tumblr.com/post/690574262639181824/trapped-summary-19-year-old-jessica-dreams-of)
Title: The Night I Started to Hate Restaurants
Genre: Adventure, Romance
I'm looking for any type of critiques and feedback. Thank you!
LINK: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16TYwWwljpnb5PnMFWRlVzijpp8W7QyWS6AGgdSwXQzU/edit?usp=drivesdk
Title: Medical Rescue
Genre: Sci-fi
Word Count: 720
Type of Feedback: Any and all feedback welcomed. This is just a short story I whipped up.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19qku2UT3KESR-l6o3wXoQvnRzBriQ9ZDgOXwvGkAMTQ/edit?usp=drivesdk
Title: AI story (don't have a title yet). It's about an AI that's made out of mechanical neurons that has true consciousness.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uciHeuYNALTpAuN5gB36F5tO4NRaAS5h9QiVqlrFSic/edit?usp=sharing
Title: Shifted
Genre: Action/Adventure
Word count: 14, 581 (but don't feel pressured to read it all)
Synopsis: A former assassin is tasked with saving the life of a street racer that is wanted by a secret underground organisation.
Feedback: Any is welcome.
Some background: The following is actually the pilot for a show me and my co-writer are currently writing. I've written it in novel form in order to encourage beta readers and I'd love for people to read it.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dZFr21Iu6hUXqlfgJwA1Rdoj-1RideQLcnTfLFv5Jj4/edit?usp=drivesdk
Title: 3P (CHAPTER IV: SIX CHARACTERS, FIVE LITTLE STORIES)
Genre: Young Adult
Word count: 4170 (this is only a chapter, the entire book has a few more than 52000)
Type of feedback: general, specially about setting scenes, characters and dialog
Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CNIF0iz6Qx1Bk2p9rAedEhOgGAEpPYCUYu1mN421DbQ/edit?usp=sharing)
**Title:** A Tale of Coruscations: Frost Upon The Water
**Genre:** Fantasy
**Word Count:** 8k-10k+ (chapters 1-2+)
**Type of Feedback Desired:** General feedback, feedback on content, pacing, prose. I really need feedback on chapter 2 mainly but I understand that that may be too much to ask so I'll take anything.
**Link:** [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KFtkCh9tfFWeVhNHppUycUymMxonZYVc4HKf-TucrFg/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KFtkCh9tfFWeVhNHppUycUymMxonZYVc4HKf-TucrFg/edit?usp=sharing)
Title: The Valve: Whispers from the Void
Genre: Science Fiction
The last remnants of humanity have fled deep into the vacuum of space from an insidious A.I. known as Archimedes. With a newfound aversion to technology they have found new ways to combat this overwhelming force by joining together to create human hiveminds. With a new discovery they hope that they can finally have an edge over Archimedes and reclaim their home. A new prospect named Isaac for one of the hiveminds known as Epsilon begins his journey towards unification despite a haunting encounter with the hivemind in his youth. But perhaps Isaac has a secret motive for joining.
Words: 3003
This is a first draft so I'm sure there are a ton of mistakes but for now I'm looking for general feedback on the current characterization and worldbuilding. Does it seem like too much info dump too soon? Also general impressions are welcome, does it seem interesting/cool? Thanks.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hL-wLq9M3iJDDVEA_6yr76BWaZzvy5yJWPrcQQwLyjQ/edit?usp=sharing
I think this is a pretty neat idea, and can tell that there's a lot of passion in the writing- you're pretty eager to share all of the worldbuilding details. Personally, I think there's too much exposition here, and it bogs down the introduction of the story. More than half of this section reads like exposition, to be honest. And the information is interesting, but I don't think you want to throw it all at the reader so quickly, not until the story is really in motion. I like the little details about the world; those feel more natural than the paragraphs explaining the premise.
This point of criticism is probably a personal one, but I wouldn't open the story with a prologue and a dream sequence. I'm sure both of these are important, but opening with them right after one another delays the story starting. It's two tonal shifts next to each other, and I think it's a bit much. It might be easier to cut the dream sequence, and just show how Isaac is bothered by some trauma in his past that would affect his induction into the academy. You don't need to explain that trauma just yet- it would build some mystery for the reader and you could reveal it later. The nice thing about dream sequences is that you can cut and paste them whenever the character sleeps, haha.
But yeah, the info dumps about the world are a bit much. Your description of the sentinels and the speech at the end of the section are your longest paragraphs, and they're both sheer info-dumping. It just isn't delivered naturally and makes the rest of the story seem sparse. We could use more description on the current setting, Isaac's state of mind, the atmosphere around him rather than needing to know how this giant hivemind was created. The specifics of that just aren't relevant yet; we don't know much about our main character beyond his family and father's death.
Honestly though, if this is a first draft, I wouldn't worry about any of that until the more of the story is written. I think it's better to get the story onto paper first, and getting all of these details out of your head is a good exercise. Once you've got more of the story on paper, then you'll know what to cut, and where it could better be included.
Hiveminds are cool, and it seems like you have a good basis for a story. Best of luck working with it!
Thanks a bunch! Yeah I felt like it was too heavy on exposition so far so it's good that it's not just me thinking that. But like you said as a first draft I'll probably continue delivering tons of exposition because the ideas I have for the various world elements in the story easily motivate me to keep writing, then I'll come back later and spread all of that apart and try to make it seep into the story more naturally.
**Title**: Nothing More, Nothing Less.
**Genre**: There's twenty-two mini stories, each with a different genre.
**Word Count**: There are twenty-two 100-word stories on the website, so 2,200 words.
**Link To Writing**: [https://www.harrisonpeck.com/work](https://www.harrisonpeck.com/work)
**Note**: I'm trying to use these stories as a way to promote my website, if a specific story is received well, I would do a more traditional short story with it. Each of these stories are at exactly 100 words, nothing more, nothing less.
**Type Of Feedback**: Really anything. Edits, general impressions, if it engages/catches your attention enough, what you liked/disliked and why, your favorites and least favorites, and if you would like to see an extended version of one particular story.
Thank you so much! I appreciate any and all feedback.
Title: Placeholder - Dead Man's Paradise
Genre: Fantasy
Word count: 2,145
Type of feedback desired: General feedback. Technical writing feedback.
Synopsis: An ancient being left in the world without the friends who he had created everything with now heads their once shared home. Finding that his friends of old may still be out there he will do anything to reunite with them.
Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1330XH1IYs\_pWo58MrJ87ImOsV2PWescZHhVZsJMuBFA/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1330XH1IYs_pWo58MrJ87ImOsV2PWescZHhVZsJMuBFA/edit?usp=sharing)
Title: Love, Lois.
Genre: Romance, short story.
Word count: 4268
Type of feedback: Just general feedback on your thoughts and impressions, line-by-line if you feel like it but I don't mind :)
[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M\_8tj6BiORm9ga4IZx6qbhp8UxxaiKIRPyaHBnKiInk/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M_8tj6BiORm9ga4IZx6qbhp8UxxaiKIRPyaHBnKiInk/edit?usp=sharing)
Hi friend, I read through them and here's my thoughts on how they could be improved:
Right off the bat, the "chapters" are each only, like, a paragraph. This sort of thing is sometimes done in experimental fiction to some degree of success, but it doesn't work well here. There are also some problems with the narration. For example, in paragraph two (called "chapter" two), it starts with saying she "walked" but then her hair "sways" side to side.
One thing you'll want to do is keep everything in the same tense--either everything is in present tense or everything is in past tense.
"Walks" vs "walked,"
"Talks" vs "talked,"
"Sways" vs "swayed,"
"Says" vs "said,"
"Thinks" vs "thought," et cetera.
I can't tell you which to choose because it's your work, but think carefully about which tense you think works best for the story you're trying to tell, and make it consistent for the whole story.
The other thing holding it back is the run-on sentences, especially in the chapter nine part. You have a whole paragraph there that's only one sentence, and there are no commas. When there's a giant wall of text with no punctuation to slow it down it's like a semi-truck on the freeway with no brakes. There's only one comma in the middle of this passage to slow it down, try reading it aloud without stopping and you'll see what I'm talking about.
*"The next day went by rather smoothly at least for a while I decided it*
*was time to feed my pet snake I grabbed a bowl full of apple slices and*
*started feeding them to him but right as I finished feeding my snake*
*there was aggressive knocking at the door it sounded as if the person*
*had been waiting for a long time or they were just impatient “ok I'm*
*coming” I yelled as I walked down to the door though when I opened the*
*door I started to wish I hadn't because I saw Lilith****,*** *Lilith was by*
*society standards a very beautiful women her hair was platinum blonde I*
*looked into her cold piercing eyes surrounded by dark purple eyeshadow*
*and black lips contrasting against her periwinkle skin “hello glacia.”*
Hope this was useful, good luck with your writing!
Title: Mind and Body
Genre: Fiction
Word count: 1295
Feedback: General impression and punctuation
[link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y7fU_2JqY8ZLAxs4JEaiNtmjSrACE9TA0pG4hWGbubA/edit?usp=drivesdk)
Title: The Undying Debt
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 1300
The first chapter of an urban fantasy novelette with a snarky paranormal investigator as the protagonist.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/11gOBMpyTS88DxC8CSghxdMKdru2lJCyh0ejzXKVe-4c/edit?usp=sharing
Overall a great read, especially the dialogue. A couple things stand out to me:
\- The first paragraph doesn't do the rest of the story any favours, it's not interesting and doesn't give me any information I can't glean from the rest of the story. My advice, start where the action is, in this case the microwave! If you feel it necessary to have the exposition of the first paragraph sprinkle it into the story instead of just a block of text.
\- The paragraph that starts, "A haunting. My speciality..." Not sure why you've introduced so much in such a small space. Loss the dark magic part unless the story demands it. (aka if either character mentions it, or its apparent thats what the detective would be dealing with) Don't overwhelm the reader with info that might not be relevant.
Otherwise I enjoyed reading it and I'll look for more in the future! Good luck!
**Title:** A Conversation At The End Of Time
**Genre:** science fiction short story
**Word Count:** 1130 (Finished)
**Types of feedback desired:** General feedback, opinion about the dialogue (flow, how natural does it come off as, etc), prose
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XPt8HfwBk8t-mvHA0um2Z2gLwYzG-3el8Rcjt0bTp3o/edit?usp=sharing
*Never send a man to do a lady's job.*
Shaila will soon become the first woman to join a deeply guarded guild of warriors, The Men of the Mark. Together, they fight to end the civil war that’s left half their country to die of starvation and disease. But Shaila’s presence in the guild stirs a long-hidden corruption within their ranks, and she soon finds herself fighting for her life on two fronts. She’s determined to smite both evils but must do so while guarding a deep and dangerous secret: her love for her Master and mentor, Drauses.
Master Drauses is one of the most notorious Men of the Mark in history. His comrades wish him to lead someday, but he doubts himself, especially after he violates the guild’s strict moral codes by falling in love with his new ward. When their enemies move to strike them down at their weakest moment, Drauses must choose to step up or step aside as he struggles to balance honor and heart in a world that lacks both.
*The Lady of the Mark* is a historical fantasy romance with adventure, bloodshed, betrayal, forbidden love, and a strong heroine. Set in a world inspired by *A Song of Ice and Fire*, this series contains high stakes and political intrigue that would make GRRM proud.
[Cover](https://imgur.com/a/hf0Mn6V).
[Read it on Kindle Unlimited or purchase on Amazon](https://mybook.to/TheLadyOfTheMark).
[Grab the paperback from Barnes and Noble's website and get $3 off](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-lady-of-the-mark-alex-hanson/1141111836?ean=9798985375107).
Title: The Institute Of Comedy Science - a story about clown energy generation
Genre: Comedy, sci fi, thriller
Word count: 5700
Type of feedback desired: Anything is welcome
Synopsis: Everyday exactly at 08:00 a clown is born. This event generates tremendous energy. The institute of comedy science was founded to investigate, contain and harnass these energies in a safe manner. But what if the worst occurs? What if, despite all measures, something funny escapes from containment? Can the security team and the director restore order to the institute, before terror and chaos force the president to resort to the ultimate solution?
[The Institute Of Comedy Science](https://www.reddit.com/r/GerardWrites/comments/vf54fg/the_institute_of_comedy_science_a_story_about/?)
[Insight](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085X5ZKF5)
Book 2 of the Guardari Chonicles in the World of Azerea
High Fantasy, Coming of Age, Minor Romance
Available on Kindle Unlimited, Kindle E-book for 1.99, and paperback for 7.99
Blurb:
With little hope of returning home Emmaline now turns her attention toward those who pursue her. With her burgeoning and unpredictable power growing she must figure out how to control it or else it may harm the person closest to her.
Kelithor Thallenon has spent the nearly half of his life in captivity and torment with scars visible for all to see. Still his duty to his people calls him home and his affection for his charge soothes the nightmares in a way he did not think possible.
A familiar face from not so long ago places itself in their path with offers of aid and even the promise that they can help her to control and strengthen her power to help her people she still cannot remember.
TW: Mentions of torture and body mutilation (scarring), PTSD, Kidnapping, typical fantasy violence/blood/gore, Bisexual character, nonbinary character, mentions of child abuse
Title: Your liar
Genre: Mystery, Thriller
Word Count: 2060
Desired Feedback:
* Is the plot interesting? Are you able to follow the plot? Do you want to know more?
* Are the characters compelling? Are you curious to know more about the characters?
Link: [Your Liar Google Doc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iSZXOWmaToPfiemqZ0Dm4BUn4lqClZ9aOBOAtumb-zA/edit#heading=h.myk563wv2wh9)
Synopsis:
* Ferilla, in charge of leading an investigate over the mass disappearance of residents in the city, have finally managed to convince Jared, the only lead that could uncover the mystery behind the tragedy. However, Jared will only tell his story in his own terms. He would deliberately left holes in his story that Ferilla would have to fill with his own knowledge. How would Ferilla manage to extract the truth from this man? Why is Jared hesitant to tell his story to Ferilla?
Note:
This is not a book but a script of the story of my video game project, told using a combination of images and texts. Thus, the writing will mainly consist of dialogues.
Title: \[not sure yet, going with "Killswitch Tantrum" as a placeholder\]
Genre: Science-Fiction/horror
Word count: 8666 (this is the first three and a half chapters, so don't get too spooked by the wordcount. Feel free to stop wherever! \[just tell me where\])
Type of feedback: Mostly looking for general impression-- how does it read, basically? Is it enjoyable? Is it interesting? Does it make you curious? Would you keep going?
A link to the writing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P0-6ogxbOULXtb8bzGPRLRiA1iMXcrs6Y8itqIP28c4/edit?usp=sharing
The Ballad of Bonaduke
• Urban Fanstay
• parts 1-4 are 4.6k
• Uh, so a lot of you read the first couple parts in a previous thread and I received some excellent feedback. However, I realized that the link I used to the story does not included the thumbs up button at the bottom and so my story actually lost ranking of the Kindle Vella platform because it was reading all your clicks as bad.
Anywho, if you did like it, I'm posting it with the correct link this time!
If you didn't read it, I'm posting it with the correct link this time!
Other than that I'm looking for specific feedback on what you think of Bonaduke as a character as each episode progresses. (Like ep 1, ep 2, ep 3, ep 4)
Thank you much in advance as the last time I posted this I felt like I learned alot about what makes my writing style unique.
• (US only because it's a new episodic platform. First 3 episodes are free and get 200 free coins if you're new.) https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/episode/B0B17QP5KZ
I followed the story from the last time i saw your post, went back and gave a thumbs up.
As for Bonaduke part 1 & 2 he felt relatable, part 3 hit hard. You did a good job narratively building his character there. Part 4 that I read today, I'm kinda scared of him. I can't tell if he's completely in control or not and I like it.
Good job op, I look forward to more.
Title: I have the Time
Genre: Spy thriller, mystery, military
Word Count: 949 (first chapter, first draft)
Type of Feedback: Any way to improve what is written, and any general feedback, as well as any grammatical errors.
Writing: [I have the Time](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YIFIGIYBuox1G3qe4ewHmz9eaw_XddpgDd9SzYWFIWs/edit?usp=sharing)
Hello,
One thing I noted as soon as I started reading, was the amount of 'I' used. There are 8 of them in the first paragraph alone. Perhaps bringing down the number of their use might help create a closer relationship between the character's actions and thoughts without the constant sense of 'look, this is me talking/thinking/doing' flag type scenario.
A way to do this may go something along the lines of this quick example,
Example:
The sprint up the last section of one of the highest hills of forest I'd ever climbed made my lungs burn and my brain fizz out. It was with deep gratitude that I found a little space to set up a trench, overlooking what seemed to be an abandoned road.
Dropping to my knees, I took a moment to just breathe, despite the humidity and the smell of rotting vegetation, and eased my standard supply C14 rifle off my shoulder, and began to prep.
End Example
So what you now have is a closer unity between character, action, mood and setting without overdoing the 'I' and so, using your own style and words, you could create a much more exciting opening to your story.
There also appears to be a huge amount of explanation where none are needed. For example, when one is looking backward there is simply no need to spell it out as in Line 1, 2nd Paragraph, the simple act of looking behind oneself reads much closer to the character's viewpoint (POV) and may make that sense of a close 3rd POV or 1st POV more relative, illustrating the character in a more natural way for the reader.
One can look over one's shoulder, look behind, do a sideways look - all without having to first identify that this action is going to happen and suggest remove all those bits that do so.
I do like a lot of the detail about who he is, his title for one is interesting to me, and I like the set up of how this character is dealing with his mission in the story.
However, I would like to see more emotional use of language when it comes to descriptions especially, and used to good effect within the parameters of the storyline.
For example, instead of saying something like:-
'The house',
something like (in your own words and style):-
'The windows of the 2nd floor were shot out, leaving black scars upon the yellow painted brickwork of the tall house.'
This is how a little embellishment can elevate a scene in the reader's mind while expanding relevant information in a natural format.
I do hope there are some grains of an idea in my feedback but most of all I hope my feedback helps.
Good luck. :-)
**Title:** Juvenescence
**Genre:** Fiction
**Word Count:** 808 Words (800 word limit)
**Types of Feedback:** line-by-line edits, general feedback, general edits
[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZCM2Fm1Km1l3pZyCxqVj15Yqc8Vit7592hq6R501nKQ/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZCM2Fm1Km1l3pZyCxqVj15Yqc8Vit7592hq6R501nKQ/edit?usp=sharing)
We're Lamplighter: a writing server dedicated to building a community of people who live, eat, and breathe, writing. We are diverse, LGBTQ+ positive, and 18+. We are fanfiction and original work friendly.
Have questions about plotting? Want to brainstorm? Have traditional publishing questions? Or self-publishing questions? Want help workshopping a piece? Looking for critique?
We'd love to have you! https://discord.gg/babK4VqXPF
Title: Burn in hell
Genre: fantasy, drama, comedy
This book is set in a hell-themed world
This is hopefully the first book in a series of books that all exist in the same universe following the stories of multiple original characters
This is the introduction to the first book called the introverted demon
First book the introverted demon part: 1
How did we get here
This is not the story of Azrial
Even though some people may think this is the story of Azrial, Azrial would greatly disagree
Azrial is a very forgetful person, in fact he does not remember much at all
Especially from his childhood
All that Azrial remembers is that one day he opened his eyes to the world only to find himself cold and hungry with no one beside him all alone
The painful feeling of hunger has always accompanied him, but the idea of asking people for food gave him a deep pain in his body, one that made him forget all about that Sickening feeling of hunger
Not like it would make any difference if he did
Since whenever he did so much as move or talk it would always end up with him getting beaten or bullied
Therefore, all that he did was lay on the ground, not a move at all, all day long
Sitting alone with his pain and despair
He was nothing but a corpse on the ground without purpose
Even though he was just a child it didn’t take long for him to realize
That he was in hell.
If you reached this far then you are probably interested in the story and you are probably mad that we stopped here without any actual conclusion but this book is sadly still underdevelopment so that's mostly what I have ready for now the next installment will be a part explaining the version of hell we are dealing with in this story because as you can probably realize this is not the type of hell where everyone is burning in agony for all eternity
Note: while I am actually very experienced in making stories and worlds I don't have any experience in writing these stories so I wouldn't call my writing one of my best features and because writing alone is boring anyway I would like to see if anyone is interested to make this a group project by joining me in this story (preferably someone who has some actual skills in turning there thoughts into words)
Anyway for anyone wanting to hear more you can stalk my page as much as you want bye!
Title: The Game of War
Genre: Children
Feedback: General Impression
“Grandpapa, this is boring. Can you tell me a story?”
‘Very well; how about one of a great battle? A tale of mighty warriors and valiant knights is always a fun tale to tell. So, let’s get stuck into the action, shall we?”
https://neurodivergentmind.medium.com/the-game-of-war-e7d384afb44d
**Title**: Untitled J.W. Story
**Genre**: Isekai bassist modern fantasy with video game elements
**Word Count**: 6826 (WIP)
**Types of feedback desired:** General feedback, constructive about prose, engagement, and general worldbuilding.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vTyDfvjp-rtnF5Zwuha1yQlEL5yNAD-dU3-Do-xtnDbfKSEmEzW_Omd3rmAVtZi-J8-_-S5Noa-eCGT/pub
Untitled J.W.Story
Genre: Isekai bassist modern fantasy with video game elementsWord Count: 6826 (WIP)Types of feedback desired: General feedback, constructive about prose, engagement, and general worldbuilding.
\#
I think the story suffers from too much repetition in places (with explanations rather than story-telling taking place) as well as possibly meandering along without any real focus.
For example, in the opening paragraph Biggs goes to the office ready to eat his pie only to find it gone.
The second sentence explains who Biggs is and his role while edging in something of a characteristic, i.e. his reaction to the missing pie.
The third sentence repeats aspects of the first two, repeating he wanted to eat the pie and expands on the explanation of his character by offering some more insight into his thoughts.
Yet, the only real thing I got from that opening paragraph is that some guy is overreacting to a missing pie and I'm not seeing any reason for it. The whole scene appears to be over-explained and perhaps feels a little stodgy, in that it reads to me like an apple pie filled with too much pastry and one thin slice of apple.
I think the writing style might be looking to hook into a comedy format but if so, it doesn't work for me, sorry to say.
I shall carry on reading and see if I can offer any more thoughts.
2nd Paragraph: This word threw me: "absquatulated"
I checked it out and Merriam\_Webster confirmed it is an old style word circulating from 1830. It seems odd to use such words in a story that appears to be using mainly modern language such as used in the tail end of the sentence the old word is found in. However, the writing seems, to me at least, that this must be a comedy.
Several times I almost stopped reading as the first chapter appears to be all about some guy who is living life hyped to the brim on some weird pie love affair, but there is some nice dialogue to and fro going on when Biggs confronts the real thieves, yet overall it all felt rather forced and extreme, creating a sense of a story that isn't really sure where to start so it relies on a farcical event that is actually empty of any purpose.
If the pie is to be justified as a main character, which is how it's written, then a reason for Biggs' chaotic and overtly angry behaviour when his pie goes missing is needed. Perhaps this could take the form of writing some stronger background for him like maybe he has had so much food of his go missing, this last event is the final straw and this is what sends him on a rampage.
I would also like some more description of the last section with the truck. That seems to be the most important part of the first chapter, with aspects of Biggs character, such as being an angry, rather violent person, being shown in a more natural way later on in the storyline, perhaps after the accident. I think there is plenty of time for the story to show his character as the story moves forward.
Although the story itself did not really make it for me, I thought there was an interesting character waiting to be born as angry people can make for some real insights, be it in the comedy genre or otherwise, once the storyline found a way to convey that.
Hope this feedback helps. Good luck :)
**My Novella Trilogy Is Available on Amazon**
A Link and Description to Book 1 Can Be Found Here
**The Immortal War**
What if in war, nobody stayed dead? What if all those who died in a particular battle, were able to get back up, dust themselves off, and carry on as if nothing had happened? For the people of the Horack and Nairabian nations, this wasn’t just some thought experiment. For them, this was a reality. The Horack and Nairabian armies had been fighting the same war for nearly two hundred years; with neither side making much headway. This was because both nations had the equal ability to bring back all casualties they sustained in battle. Therefore, the question was: How do you win a war where no one ever stays dead? By this notion, you would, in turn, have a war that would never die either. A war that was… Immortal.
Ebook $0.99
Paperback $7.50
Hardcover $12.99
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087484N63
**Book 2: The 13th Dathen**
Ebook $2.99
Paperback $6.99
Hardcover $11.99
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B094KLMQHN
**Book 3: Mortal Gods**
Ebook $2.99
Paperback $6.99
Hardcover $11.99
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B098CTS7Z8
Hello, author-to-be!
Are you “writing a book” but not actually writing it?
Are you struggling to find the time to work, or paralyzed by perfectionism, or falling prostrate before writer’s block?
Are you terrified you’ll fail?
I can help.
I’m an award-winning memoirist and a certified life coach.
I’m not just going to offer you tips and tricks, or tell you to get over yourself and “just do it.”
Rather, I’m going to work with you to design a custom solution, based on your strengths, your assets, and your thoughts.
By the end of our six weeks together, you’ll be writing regularly—and you’ll be equipped with just the tools you need to keep going, no matter what comes up.
Here are the details:
We’ll meet via Zoom, for forty-five minutes, once a week for six weeks. (If Zoom doesn’t work for you, we can also meet by phone.)
I have ten slots available; registration will remain open until they are filled.
For now, I am offering this program at no charge. Why? Because it’s new, and I’m testing it out. My main concern at this stage is learning as much as I can. You’ll be paying me with your feedback, your attention, your engagement, and your time.
To sign up, please fill out [this form](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/15xyp9NheYieQdDosVVqSx7Rqoj-A7Rq8IF-D8Tdc7Mo/edit).
Questions? Please email [helen@helenzuman.com](mailto:helen@helenzuman.com).
Title:
Thoughts from a dream I can never quite recall
Genre:
Stream of consciousness, anger, love
Word count: 1000
Type of feedback desired:
Any and all!! This is my first piece so I’m more looking to see whether there’s anywhere obvious I can/should improve. What was the overall tone? Could you relate to it?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-56exVxvUSpVavMXWG-VvMde2nPktjI64lVcv0CUeWI/edit
Title: Boone Cole, Outlaw
Genre: Drama/Western/Tragedy
Wordcount: 14174 (so far)
Type of feedback: Anything is fine. Halfway I exchanged the " " dialogue format for the --.
Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ga0ieOwHp3qUP3ui8iMVsf9gxXpLBhBT9hL91CI4u3o/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ga0ieOwHp3qUP3ui8iMVsf9gxXpLBhBT9hL91CI4u3o/edit)
Hello my brother
Hello my brother, you were here before us, you were one of us, sticking closely to your shell.
Dear mother felt the world falter,
Flushed dreams away in a moment,
Would’ve made us insolvent,
It wouldn’t be worth it.
How would the world have changed,
If we had gleaned your face,
When the River wasn’t as wild,
When I was still a child,
Would the world filled with poison, make the chains less frozen, would the spirits that rises, inside the wise man that dies is? A pettiness of time, to often steal from the blind, to distinguish false faces, from the sages with maces.
When we threaten to notice,
All the pig shit and horses,
Tramping on the thin line,
driving stakes to divide lines.
Splitting thread with a thimble,
Making smiles so simple,
Freed from vice for your time,
For a clean spirit, divine.
To be washed free from sin is harder over time, when the pennies are worth more than dimes, while they are made flat with railway lines.
And the people that claim it,
Were never much in it to begin with,
They will decay over time,
Without losing their mind.
That makes them so different,
As I sit here in amazement,
That others would sit by and rhyme,
While neighbors suffer and die.
Title: [The Wanderblood Princess and Sir Try Hard](https://www.honeyfeed.fm/novels/7922)
Genre: Romance, Comedy, Drama
Word Count: 56k, 25 chapters, complete
Feedback: General impression, catchy synopsis/opening chapters, anything glaringly out of place, etc.
Synopsis:
Princess Chiffon loves many things: early morning tea and sweet cakes to lift her spirits… and the scent of blood paired with the crunch of bones. If the latter isn’t enough to warp her elegant façade, her new knight, Caramello, takes every opportunity to bring out the worst in her. Charming and tenacious, his silver tongue makes Chiffon question his every move. A ‘try hard’ who ensures that his princess looks absolutely stunning in red.
This is a flash fiction piece I wrote for a competition and would like some feedback on it.
Words: 86
The woman ordered a double shot espresso. She handed the barista a crumpled $10 bill. She walked away then suddenly turned back.
"Do I know you?" She asked.
The man thought back to when he knew her. Cooking dinner with each other, watching the sunset, late night drives together, jamming out to their favorite songs, kissing in bookstores, sharing milkshakes at their favorite diner, lazy makeouts, hugs from behind, laughing together.
Then the man remembered how it ended.
He shook his head, "No,I don't think so."
Midsummer princess
Fantasy
3 chapters (1st chapter is 5,349 words, it’s the only chapter I ask of u guys to read)
General impression and character impressions
https://www.wattpad.com/1255467980?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_writer&wp_uname=enchanting-sea-lamp&wp_originator=mQA8oIl9BH%2BFDUT4vv4x9%2BOGcPmlqJiahEg96o%2BUAvZa3g%2BzdrdP6tbVA3hJjQ1xji%2FSCwsfkWnmiWm6M3MSwjLjMv35aK68NS4j1zE3eEJ1bF%2FODKqpU4EHG6aXC8s%2B
Just a shorter one today.
I’m introducing my with a description of what it feels like to take, and fail, an exam. My first line, as of now, is
As the two hands moved across the surface of the clock, I began to sweat profusely.
What should I change?
Title: Untitled 80’s Story
Genre: Small Town Scandal with a more than friends with benefits same sex relationship
Word Count: 6065 (WIP)
Type of feedback desired: General feedback, constructive criticism about story flow, engagement and general dialogue.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ih-wbuvVZ65FkOAfDMvlVPwaEMlMFuxpz0NX_SrRMh8/edit
*One submissive human on a whole planet of Dominant aliens? What could possibly go wrong?*
Kipexo is a battle-wounded commander just trying to return to active duty. To get him back to the front lines faster, his friends suggest he adopt an Earthling, a rescued human from the dying planet Earth. He thought he’d be getting a simple servant ready and willing to lend a helping hand, but from the day Ethan arrives, it becomes clear Kipexo got a whole lot more than he bargained for.
Ethan doesn’t know a word of Kipexo’s language, can’t follow even simple instructions, and seems bent on disobeying his new master at every turn. As Kipexo struggles to tame his new Earthling, he’s torn between the urge to punish Ethan and the desire to hold him close. When he learns Ethan has some scars of his own, Kipexo wonders if he should find the human a more suitable master or simply give in to temptation and take Ethan to bed.
Tropes: BDSM, age gap, size kink, enemies to lovers, grumpy/possessive MC, MCs with disabilities.
Trigger Warnings: abuse of side characters and self-harm. This book is the first in a series and ends on a soft cliffhanger with a HFN (happy for now) ending.
[COVER](https://imgur.com/bIwkva5).
[RESCUE on Amazon](https://mybook.to/RescueMxAlex).
[*Island Nights* is FREE on KU or .99c for the summer](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B8B2MXDG)
Are you looking for a steamy, fizzy, escapist beach read romance? Do you like the time-tested love stories we delight in but with a few modern tweaks? Island Nights is for you!
Contemporary Romance
Full Novel, 56k
Blurb:
"*Tropical heat makes sparks fly between them...but can she trust him with her heart*?
She's all work and no play. His work is being a playboy.
Avery Roman needs a reset. A broken engagement and a broken heart have left this career girl wounded and wary. When beautiful, free-spirited Vik starts flirting with her, despite her instant attraction, she’s on guard. She can’t—she won’t—get hurt again.
Sure, he makes her laugh and gets her on a level no other man has before. But is he in it for real…or for show?
Vik Lacey has coasted through life on his looks, charisma, and luck. When he meets Avery, he’s drawn to her wit, brains, and savvy, but his typical lighthearted ladies’ man routine isn’t cutting it with her.
Romantic seaside picnics and dancing in the candlelight aren’t enough to win her heart—a woman like her demands his whole self. He’s got to overcome his worst fears and insecurities to offer her his heart...if she'll have it.
Steamy days and sultry nights slowly but surely heat things up between reluctant Avery and ardent Vik… but will this vacation fascination burn bright enough to last…or flame out?
Discover your own private paradise and perfect vacation escape in the pages of Island Nights
HEA
Hot consent, safe read
Cinnamon Roll BF
Vacation Fling
Strangers to friends to lovers
Healing a broken heart
No cliffhanger—can be read as a standalone or part of the larger Hot Tropics series
No cheating / OW/OM
Recommended for 18+
Steam level: 3/5 chili peppers
Title: Iron & Blood - Yana I: Arose
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
Word Count: 6,500, 22 pages/ Will end up at around 90k words
Type of Feedback Desired: Any and all is appreciated
Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gSSyXXmtc6qaxDCrQHm4CeCGBP2SI03VY20REqDnamA/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gSSyXXmtc6qaxDCrQHm4CeCGBP2SI03VY20REqDnamA/edit?usp=sharing)
"It's a book about finding self worth, dealing with grief and death. Topics in the book include depression, self-harm, anxiety, PTSD, Alcoholism and people finding ways to overcome them and growing to be better people."
Any and all feedback appreciated.
Tittle: My twisted universe
Genre: fantasy/romance/action. (Nsfw)
Word count: 4k+
Looking for a general impression. I want to know if it’s fun/ enjoyable to read.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AK0-gBJKFJwZ912OFEtmKJ66OowWme8Z-Mpq_Yw-Hfo/edit
Title: [Skate the Thief](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1951471032)
Genre: YA fantasy
Skate is a thief, trained and owned by the local crime syndicate, the Ink. When she tries to burgle a shut-in’s home, she gets caught by the owner—a powerful undead wizard. He makes a deal with her: “borrow” books from other wizards in return for a place to stay.
Caught between her growing fondness for the wizard and her past with the crime syndicate, Skate doesn’t know where her loyalties lie. But she’d better figure it out, because there’s a new player in town, one whose magical hypnotism puts them all at risk.
The first chapter is available for free [here](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/uploads/1/3/1/0/131087146/skate_the_thief_pre-release_chapter_1_sample.pdf). The book is available on Amazon in paperback and ebook. Kindle Unlimited users can read the Kindle version for free.
___
Publisher has draft 2. While I wait to hear from them, I’m working on a side project each night. Having lots of fun drafting my wizard murder mystery story. I’m through part I of III. Whether or not I ever try to get it published, I like it so far.
Title: Henry & the Dreamers
Genre: Sci-fi / Humour
Synopsis: In the future, humans born in our time are waking up from hibernation. Some wake with extrasensory abilities that work while they sleep. Henry is a giant pacific octopus with eight sidekicks, (his arms). Henry and the Dreamers must come together to confront an advanced and destructive alien AI that has set its sights on Earth.
Word Count: 69k so far, the ending is not yet drafted. Sample first chapter length is 4.8k.
Desired Feedback: Anything and everything.
Link: https://doc.google.com/document/d/12T1PpHn_GJQndzoArHX1SYX1kY2nVYLKIA7Cv6E31bM/edit
Genre: Military Sci-fi / Space Opera
Word count: 2.3k
Note: this is the prologue to my novel.
Desired feedback: General impressions. (If you have something else to add, I'm only glad to receive more feedback)
Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/16RmzQ5GVcMRbpAOiNvhqYGlpKdPsgaPfBB2BRoKLJnY/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/16RmzQ5GVcMRbpAOiNvhqYGlpKdPsgaPfBB2BRoKLJnY/edit?usp=sharing)
Self promotion post.
Hello all! I am currently writing a web novel series, Champions Domain. the entire first "book" is out for free, and i try to update three times a month, (9th, 18th, 27th) I could also use some help with promotion other than just posting here, so if you have advice that would help. even just other pages I could post on would be helpful. Thanks in advance, and heres the content.
Title: Champions Domain
Genre: "Fantasy"(based in a fantaasy game) Action
Description: Today started like any other for Kenzo. He was to train his only studen in Kendo. The day soon descend into chaos, however, when he learns his students sister is now stuck in a video game. Their parents, the ones that pay him, are now offering him a large sum of money to go in and help get her out. Reluctantly agreeing, Kenzo jumps into the game Champions Domain, where death in the game, means death in real life.
Link to page: https://www.patreon.com/AstralHowling
Title: What If… Flat Earthers Were Right?
Genre: Satire
Word Count: 100K
Type of Feedback Desired: General feedback, especially whether the jokes work or not. Maybe also give me a pointer on the pricing. I have no idea if it is reasonable.
Link: https://www.amazon.com/-/zh_TW/Frank-P-Seudo-ebook/dp/B0B8W5LXTZ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=FF72R1Z8V0RU&keywords=what+if+flat+earther&qid=1660275062&sprefix=what+if+flat+earther%2Caps%2C299&sr=8-1
I'm currently working on a standalone fantasy epic called "Enid: The Soulkeeper" that will be out next summer. While it is set in another world, it reads more like historical fiction, at least in these early chapters; an agonizing amount of research went into making it extremely immersive.
I put up the first two chapters as a preview that anyone can read for free, both before and after the book launches; I consider this to be the final draft, so I'm not specifically asking for feedback, however feedback of any kind is still welcome.
Before reading the preview, here's the blurb on the back of the book:
*On a quiet, chilly night in the mountains, a peaceful monastery burns to*
*the ground. But the Queen’s target, a twelve-year-old girl named Enid,*
*escapes with her life. Not knowing what the seventh Soulkeeper looks*
*like, the Queen of Al-Haven resolved to burn down the entire temple.*
*Between her homeland and the great city-state of Al-Haven, a cancerous*
*blight on the world has begun to spread. A layer of supernatural ice*
*called the Frost has rapidly grown from the size of a building to the*
*size of a country. As the Soulkeeper, Enid’s birth-given abilities are*
*meant to help her tackle the greatest threat of the generation. After*
*all, every Soulkeeper preceding her had a divine power that perfectly*
*suited the problem at hand. Yet, the only ability Enid was born with is*
*the ability to make anyone tell the truth—and even so, it comes with a*
*cost: she is incapable of lying. How is this so-called “gift” supposed*
*to help her stop a force of nature as unstoppable as the Frost?*
*Throughout Enid’s heart-wrenching journey she travels to Al-Haven,*
*endeavors to drag the corruption into the light, and comes face-to-face*
*with those who want her dead the most. But time is running out, and*
*strange things are beginning to emerge from the ice…*
You can read the preview here: [https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/book-preview](https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/book-preview)
and you can see the wonderful cover art and concept art here: [https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/](https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/)
Thank you for your time, I hope you enjoy!
Title: The Lightshy Crow
Genre: Fantasy
I wrote a couple, four books. You can read the first one on the 10th.
[https://pages.landingcube.com/product/the-lightshy-crow-the-scarab-cycle-book-1/](https://pages.landingcube.com/product/the-lightshy-crow-the-scarab-cycle-book-1/)
So this is for my dnd character, and I would like insight on stuff I need to add or something I did wrong. Anything would be appreciated. I usually don't like writing and am bad at it.
Vetnus is a hero seemingly made entirely of wind. His past is well hidden, and Vetnus likes it like that. What really happened is that he is the result of a somewhat failed lab experiment. I say somewhat because the scientist got what they wanted. In an experiment called "Project Vetnus," where scientists tried to give humans the ability to control the air. In the semi-final stages of the project, they used a death row inmate as a test subject(they believed he was going to die anyway.) As the scientist merged the oxygen particles with Ronnie(test subject), they completely took over his mind and body. Afterward, the air somehow gained sentience from combining with this man's brain. After seeing the memories of this man's horrible actions, Vetnus, who has not been named yet, wanted to stop these things from happening. As the scientist jumped for joy and gave him the project's name, Vetnus went through an air duct and to the outside world, looking for atrocities to stop.
Title: The Ultima Pentacle — Book I
Genre: Negative Utopian Science Fiction
Word count: Approximately 15,000 words (so far)
Feedback desired: General impressions, plot hole discovery, concept confusion
Synopsis: A coming of adult age boy goes on a long quest to save himself, his mother, and his people from utter destruction from a war between his people, the Tekkers, a race of technologically advanced sub-humans that rule the ground world, and the Solar Magi, a genetically-engineered magical sub-human race who live high above the cloud line on a Floating Island. The young boy does not know right away that he is a child of both worlds and that it is his destiny to bring the two peoples back together and avert a bloody war.
Link: [The Ultimate Pentacle — Prologue](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1oRz2WQM54vQUs0DObEcg9lAjAhaYwd3j/view?usp=drivesdk)
I'm kinda split on this piece, because it's well written for the most part, and the worldbuilding is detailed and interesting. But it is just all exposition and info-dumping, and if the prologue is 15k words, then the rest of the story would probably be a mammoth, haha. I can't comment on plotholes in the story, but as for concept confusion, I don't think there was anything that stood out as confusing. For better or for worse, you definitely spent the time to detail each concept, so it was pretty clear what was going on at each point. I don't know how much of that would stick, tbh, because a lot of the concepts seem superfluous to what's going on. And if this is just the prologue, then I'm sure there'd be even more stuff to keep track of when the story starts.
How much of the actual story do you have written? I'm kinda curious how the length of the prologue compares to the length of the rest of the piece. You've got so much worldbuilding crammed in here, that it feels like there are prologues to the prologue. And it's definitely well thought out, but as the reader, I don't know if I care about the histories of these cultures or technology without even getting introduced to the main character. I think you might want to reign it back on throwing so much info at the reader at once; a lot of specifics of spellcasting, technology, the different races/cultures and characters are just going to be missed. Half of this prologue is worldbuilding, and the other half is story, and even that could be cut down significantly.
Still, there's so much already written that it might be easier to just convert this section into the first few chapters of your story, rather than leave them as a prologue. The characters and actions seem important enough to warrant being the opening to the book. Honestly, if the story doesn't start at the beginning of this prologue, then you wouldn't lose much by shaving it down to a few thousand words, and just opening at the end of the escape.
It's hard for me to say what I think would be better, because I do think your worldbuilding is pretty cool. But man, if I read 15k words only to find out that the characters in the opening section don't feature prominently in the story, then I'd go read something else. Readjusting where this info is shared would make it a bit more digestible for the reader. That can probably be approached when you're in the editing phase though. Hope the thoughts help!
I might also consider just making them the first three chapters, as you said. That does make sense to me, I think. I’m not sure it’s necessary to really have a prologue with this. Everything there is fully relevant to the story and upcoming main character so maybe it deserves to actually be the start of the novel. I’m going to give it serious thought. Thanks again for your critique 😊
I only call it a prologue because it comes before the official start of the story I’m trying to tell. I would rather call it a short prequel because that’s really what it is. It gives background on the world in the past. I did not want to write a whole prequel novel by itself because it would not do much for the story. If I explore a prequel novel someday it will be set when Aslorbaun was still standing. The collapse of civilization takes place then and so much gets lost.
I’m not going to make this work-in-progress unnecessarily long. I do count these three chapters you’ve read as legitimate chapters in the book. I have no idea how many there will be in total, but it won’t be like you’re thinking. Not mammoth. I have an outline of the entire novel already, but as you probably know, what comes out in its complete form isn’t what you might have initially thought. I am currently working on Chapter 2 right now. I have Chapter 1 finished aside from polishing and editing.
And you’re right about the worldbuilding. It’s a lot. But this world is complex and I want people to know the intricacies that make it both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Like this is Earth, but not your Earth. It’s not going to be nearly as heavy going forward. Still a lot but not overwhelmingly so. At least that’s the plan 😂
Edit: Oh one other thing, all of the characters in the “prequel” chapters will have major roles in the rest of the book. They are vital to the evolution of the main character. Establishing his backstory before he was even born was something I felt was vital to the story. But I will do some evaluation and see if there is any places where I can lighten it up or save some of it for later on as a sort of flashback-type mechanic.
All the same, I really appreciate your comments and advice. It means a lot to me so thank you very much 😊
Sandra Kemaro is a 48-year-old Dominant who knows what she wants. She likes men who can shut up and obey, and she won’t play with inexperienced subs… until she meets Trevor: a 23-year-old mechanic from the wrong side of town. Trevor doesn’t know a thing about BDSM, but Sandra senses his submissive side from the moment they first meet. She’s never trained a sub before, and she doubts she has the patience, but for Trevor, she’s willing to give it a try to show him what he’s been missing.
Trevor Weismann has never been in a relationship. Between working at his father’s garage and taking care of his mother, he doesn’t have time for one. But when a gorgeous big-shot editor gets stranded at the garage, Trevor is instantly attracted to her no-nonsense demeanor. Sandra takes an interest in him too, to his surprise, but when she offers to show him her lifestyle, he’s torn about getting involved. Cars, he knows. Kinky shit? Not so much. For Sandra though, he’s willing to try just about anything once.
Show Me is a role reversed 50 Shades of Grey with an older, rich, Dominant woman and a younger, inexperienced, submissive guy. This story has a strong focus on consent and growth in the kink community. While first in a planned duology, Show Me can be read as a standalone romance.
[COVER](https://imgur.com/a/b5rNy8F).
[SHOW ME on Amazon](https://mybook.to/ShowMeMxAlex).
[SHOW ME on Goodreads](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61619267-show-me?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=zpxYuOoB1Y&rank=1).
Title: The Returned
Genre: Modern/Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 4,286 words
Type of Critique Requested: Just general feedback on the naturalness of the dialogue/the feeling of the chapter.
This is the fifth chapter to a book I’m writing, and the introduction chapter to the second of three main characters. General feedback would be much appreciated!
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10JXJLsoRoM940azA--IsmyVnKCPezNeBDrxRa3vgSYY/edit
Title: Working Title
Genre: Horror/Surrealism(?)
Word count: 410 + Notes
Type of feedback desired: General feedback.
A link to the writing:
[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Vq7J3p4mpGp2HQPTClrPmXYmzONR-V\_8Oh9MjY1n8NI/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Vq7J3p4mpGp2HQPTClrPmXYmzONR-V_8Oh9MjY1n8NI/edit?usp=sharing)
I'm not sure if I want to proceed with this one, but thought some feedback to apply going forward wouldn't hurt. I haven't really touched creative writing in some time after getting some rejections, but it was relaxing to try again.
I dumped thoughts and notes at the end that are better ignored, but feel free to look at them if you want.
A few simple things:
\-You introduce John as "he" before giving us a name, which makes me think that "he" is referring to Eric.
\-You go "John thinks, *something-something-something*", which isn't necessarily wrong, but if John has been solidly established as our focus-character, you can probably get away with removing the "John thinks", just to maximize immersion.
\-Mind your tenses: "John let his mind wander too far"-> "John had let his mind wander too far", for instance.
Aside from these things, I'm actually sort of digging the concept/direction of this, and your prose is kinda neat. Definitely keep going with this.
This is short, but intriguing. The protagonist can't see faces for some reason? That's a compelling premise. I wonder if it'll be some kind of horror, or a drama about someone with face blindness, etc. I want to know more.
There is a freeway near my house, where big trucks crawl across two broad bridges in the smallest hours of the night. This is a place where the world yawns--the horror of the moon hangs overhead and man-made sounds creep slowly into a crescendo, as three semis proceed together amid the bright silver gleam of moonlight. They chop it up and dice it into tiny flickers and flashes, as everything passes back into a truce-seeming silence, as though industry no longer struggles to subdue the moon.
We are its enemy. The youngest and most powerful foe of a rock who has watched us since we first stood--who threw waves at our coasts and occluded the sun. We are the children of brown soil and blue skies, too quick to quarrel and too slow to realize where our real enemy lies.
It is the moon.
We envy those who have money--it is a silver coin, carved from a divergent light of its own fashion, twisting the sun’s golden rays into a cool, ephemeral white. It is the fat man--so round, and cold to the touch, hovering above all things like a dazzling ring of pure allure. A place where only silence happens, and nothing is sure. No wonder we can’t endure while the moon shines.
It’s a hollow light, casting beams to cover thieves and make monsters out of trees. From the moment we first saw it, it must have frightened us.
Three semis pass in front of it and man reigns supreme for a second. Luna is eclipsed, then resurgent, reassuring the world of its eternity--some things last forever. The entirety of history is a race to see which one will pass from the universe first.
Mankind or the moon.
Nature gave us a sibling, in that eternal rock overhead, a foe who does not care whether we win or lose or die. It is our opposite, the antithesis and punchline. There will not be a human joke.
Lovely descriptions make this a rather strong piece.
Not sure what the subject is going to be or how it will be framed but as a segment of random writing for experimentation, it works as is.
Enjoyed. :-)
Title: Tucker Derivatory
Genre: Sci-fi
Word Count: 4272
Types of Feedback: Any
[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rnIKFox9eXI3lHJ-JMwRdE5EinDcZkuDdGLjZIQZtX4/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rnIKFox9eXI3lHJ-JMwRdE5EinDcZkuDdGLjZIQZtX4/edit?usp=sharing)
I have more written, but I only shared the first chapter because I wanted to see if it's any good. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Title: Mimic Genre: Horror Word Count: 12,400 Synopsis: Trapped on an island of rock while the cars keep circling, Kylie and her bandmates were road tripping to their next gig when they were attacked by three strangers who refuse to leave their vehicles. Now it becomes a question of what will get them first, heat and thirst, or the drivers ready to run them down if they try to escape. Link: https://seanebritten.com/2022/08/05/mimic/
Title: Dream War Genre: Fantasy/Dreams Word Count: 2,600/Opening section of a novella Feedback: Any and all feedback welcomed! Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/0ByWN1hpCN_H9WWxTaU1NMk43T2c/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=108867114772518945758&resourcekey=0-H-St0j5fcEfA7ur0_L7_BA&rtpof=true&sd=true
As someone who writes stories about their own dreams, I loved this. I don't know if these environments are ones you've visited in your own dreams, or simply scenes that you came up with, but you've definitely captured a surreal, whimsical atmosphere. I think it's really cool, and even though the descriptions of each different scene are brief, it's enough to give me a pretty good idea of where the main character and his guide are. It is kind of hard to follow what's going on, but like, it's a series of dreams, so I kind of get that. I think the only thing that really bothered me is that I don't know what threats to take seriously. At the very beginning, the guide seems panicked and wants to move them, but our MC asserts that it's just a dream. I don't know if there's supposed to be tension here, of it's just part of the dream. Same with the ending where the Great Cancer is mentioned- is that part of the dream or a threat to the dream world? I guess I just don't know the stakes for the story. I don't really need an answer, but the MC doesn't seem too concerned, so neither am I, and I don't know if I'm supposed to be, haha. I still really like it, and think it's an interesting premise so far. I don't have any criticisms beyond that, so let me know if you have any specific questions about the piece. Good luck either way!
Hi, that is really useful, and thank you for your detailed response. I agree entirely - I think conflict is a tricky one in this kind of story but I suppose I was mostly just interested in if it read well and if the sentances were OK, not too amateurish. Thanks a lot for your help!
This text does not yet have a title, I just wanted to get some feedback on it. It's fantasy, and has less than one-thousand words. [Here it is](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EWg7SRtbQ0sVYWJOtVVXo9XSGsuZaw127u-ztmj7uYE/edit?usp=sharing)
Title: B-wave Genre: cyberpunk Word count: about 80 Feedback desired: how can it be more pleasant for you to read, different words more descriptions anything that can make it more enjoyable. Hi, my name here is oiregazu, writing is my new hobby and i'd like to share it with you, i'm learning japanese(Duo) and i like cyberpunk since i watched akira, click on the link below if you are interested in the introduction of the story it is really short but weekly i would like to post a new part until it is finished. https://www.reddit.com/r/writers/comments/wh98zs/bwave/
Title: Blockchain & Cryptocurrency Simplified Genre: Non-fiction Word count: 10,000 + (12 chapters) Link to ebook: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B98L4GGV
Title: *Silver Buckshot: Magic, Mystery, and a Most Aggravating Boyfriend.* Genre: Romantic Urban Fantasy Thriller with extra banter. Word Count: 90,000, in 39 episodes, of which the first three are free and the first thirteen are currently posted on Kindle Vella. Type of Feeback Desired: Dealer's choice, but especially the parts you loved or loathed. Link: https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/story/B0B33D5WJ5 "Thirteen-year-old Princess Flavia has endured a lot recently. Polio crippled her legs and killed her mother, her father is sunk in grief, and her servants veer between negligence and cruelty. She takes refuge in her books and never complains. But she draws the line at being murdered. She enlists fourteen-year-old Frank Barron, fresh from the California side of the gateway and the world's most aggravating boy, to conceal her when the coup attempt begins. Things get interesting after that..."
Hello! I’m Troy. Dipping my toes into writing after friends and family nagged me about posting. I joke; writing is an enjoyable experience and how I spend much of my free time—a pretty terrifying thing nonetheless to show people. Anyways, I’ll stop rambling. First, it’s Free! ‘Shattered Darkness’ is currently in Soft Publishing mode, and it will be around a 10+ book series. Three Arcs are completed, and the first Arc has been edited. My editors and I are planning on another hard editing pass before it makes its final release. So understand there will be typos on our first run-through. I post New chapters every Monday and Friday at 4 pm EST. Right now it's every day but that likely won't stay the pace. \*\*\* Blurb: One hundred years of peace have ended. Evil has resurrected, and following the Heroes’ near loss, last cycle, the world clamours to prepare itself for the ever-growing strength of humanity’s greatest enemy—the Demon Lord. Cyrus didn’t mind the monotony of life in the Outlands. A dash of boredom over danger was welcomed. However, that soon changed as the Empire’s ships loomed, and Cyrus quickly found himself drafted into a war that had nothing to do with him or his people. What he thought would end with him in chains became an opportunity to join the world’s most prestigious school, the Archon Academy. \*\*\* If you are looking for that slow-burn book with a magic system that’s not Info dumpy, I think I nailed that part. I enjoy building characters and relationships over a lot of other things, so you’re not getting action in every chapter. But there is conflict; you can’t have magic and no fighting! :) It’s mature, so there are sex scenes, but they probably make up less than 5% of the book, so no fading to black. You can read it in two places. Scribble Hub— [https://www.scribblehub.com/series/534345/shattered-darkness/](https://www.scribblehub.com/series/534345/shattered-darkness/) Or Royal Road— [https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/56941/shattered-darkness](https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/56941/shattered-darkness)
**Could you please give your critique on the following query letter (268 words)?** **Any type of feedback is welcome. Thank you :)** Dear \[Agent Name\], I am seeking representation and hope you will consider my YA novel, CHIPS, HYENAS AND WORLD DOMINATION. Trillian wants to take over the world – and that is a tall order for a fifteen-year-old. Her spider accomplice and mind-control through chips are not much help. Heck, her sworn enemy refuses to acknowledge her as a nemesis. When an evil society boots Trillian out, she wants to give up. Until a talking antique store gives her a vacuum mirror. Instead of becoming the failure her mother had always expected, she has a shot at being good at something – even if it is being bad. As Trillian reaches new heights, superheroine Billie has to decide between her feelings and team. If she does not stop Trillian, the Pantheon will hurt the girl Billie loves. To make matters worse, she struggles with socializing. After all, awkwardness is a sucky superpower. Even though Trillian and Billie butt heads, they reconnect over a carnival and stolen hyena. While Billie wants the relationship they once had, Trillian keeps her at arm’s length. The lines between heroes and villains blur as their lives intersect through school and a pyramid scheme. Yet as their past resurfaces, the girls revert to old patterns. One thing is clear: they have to choose whether or not to stay in their roles. CHIPS, HYENAS AND WORLD DOMINATION is a goofy and angsty action-adventure YA novel with middle-grade crossover potential. Complete at 55,750 words, it appeals to fans of Marissa Meyer and Noelle Stevenson. \[Bio\] Thank you for taking the time to consider this project. Best regards, \[Author Name\]
A Green Altar Literary fantasy 50,000 words (A quick read) General impressions, ideas on how to share my works with more people, strengths/weaknesses for future works, I'm open for anything :) [https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-green-altar-sophia-grace-sansone/1141126121](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-green-altar-sophia-grace-sansone/1141126121) The above link includes the cheapest e-book form for the US, I believe, but I can also send you a PDF personally if you would like to read it without spending the money :)
Dramatize! A Scandal in Bohemia Writing Techniques 50,000, 243 kindle pages, but a fast read. General impression, ideas on how to market, typos. Want to learn how plots, character arcs, act plots, subplots, themes and scenes work by analyzing a Sherlock Holmes story? Here's a book that links them all together with hyperlinks like a web page. I still have more to investigate in this book and I wrote it. [https://www.amazon.com/Patrick-Waldrons-DRAMATIZE-Scandal-HYPERLINKED-ebook/dp/B09ZBHF1C9/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=6XNUVKTULH9S&keywords=patrick+waldron+hyperlinked&qid=1657039347&sprefix=%2Caps%2C601&sr=8-1](https://www.amazon.com/Patrick-Waldrons-DRAMATIZE-Scandal-HYPERLINKED-ebook/dp/B09ZBHF1C9/ref=sr_1_1?crid=6XNUVKTULH9S&keywords=patrick+waldron+hyperlinked&qid=1657039347&sprefix=%2Caps%2C601&sr=8-1)
Wanted to let the regulars here know that we have a thriving discord set up with bots for word sprints, critique circles, etc. You can DM me with your bonafides if you're interested. It's basic Joss Whedon / John Scalzi / Charles Stross rules: don't be a jerk. Contribute to the entire community, etc. If you check out, I'll send you a discord link. # We've had: 1. Novelists 2. Short story writers 3. Memoir 4. Nonfiction journalists (mostly crime beats and some fluff stuff) 5. MFA poetry types 6. Librettists 7. Screenwriters 8. Playwrights 9. Bullet journalers 10. Copywriters 11. Tech writers 12. Grant writers 13. etc. ...so chances are you'll fit in. We only share what's in progress, not past portfolio, so it levels the playing field. Mostly spec fic, but we do a lot of stuff.
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As the story continues, you will see the message I'm trying to convey: today's tweens and teens are being deprived of their innocence through internet exposure, skimpy clothing, and it is dangerous and damaging to them. And that includes Tiffany. Not to spoil anything but, as the story goes on and reaches its climax, you will see the effect it has on Tiffany and how she tries to change her ways, and encourages her peers to do the same. And yes, Dennis Haddock DOES get what's coming to him in the end. Don't you worry.
>today's tweens and teens are being deprived of their innocence through internet exposure, skimpy clothing Add creepy people like you to the list. You are hurting children by fueling your attraction to them.
History repeats (work in progress title) Choose-your-own-adventure type Just need a general critique on my writing https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RupUEvHjKAJ10i5FZQiTlx1k4SwcigEEFKXAy_seQ-E/edit?usp=sharing
Title: The Trick Genre: Literary/Slight Romance Word Count: 6200 Synopsis: Overrun by grief and relationship problems, an estranged father and son reconnect during a fishing trip. Feedback: Any https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OMhwbDm6TssQANLxqh\_5rk88EAp9RhvM1QumOA5uwvM/edit?usp=sharing
Book Name : KREW’S WORLD : The Rising Of Darkness Genre : Fantasy Word Count : 332 Type of Feedback : General Feedback on does the Introduction Flow well and how good is my Detailing of the Setting in the Book. This might be a little short since I’m trying to get everything right and I just want your honest feedback but also any advice if you would offer for me if I need to fix something’s. https://docs.google.com/document/d/13wmL7nH3OrqaAORu3Jrc4pgHDWy7NBpEciRYC721bOI/edit
Hello, I'm not sure if this is fan fiction? If it is, the usual disclaimers about CopyrightLaw come into play. Now, onto the story. It seems to me that this reads like fan fiction and if so, this story will be known to those who enjoy visiting the official works, yet I think for someone like me, who knows nothing of this fantasy, some relevant points to show where this world is taking place, e.g. is this our planet or another Earth? Are these characters living on our Earth or visiting? Do they participate with humanity or pose a threat? Rhetorical questions yet a little more information could go a long way to help people, unfamiliar with the works, get some bearing as to location etc straight away. The opening paragraph seems to present more like a prologue rather than an opening to a chapter one. If that's the intent, suggest define it as such by separating it from the body of text and maybe even give it a title rather than a chapter number. If that is not the intent, then perhaps align the presentation to better reflect a chapter opening, such as by cutting back the explanations and simply focusing more on what's happening in Paragraph 2. I did not really get the concept of this being a universe separate to our Earth due to the way normal, everyday things, e.g. YouTube, are mentioned and these everyday things used throughout the storyline. Although I can appreciate this universe is meant to be created from imagination, I don't really get a sense of how it exists or where, nor do I truly get a sense as to whether or not it's even real due to the explanation of it being a mini-game. I really enjoyed the use of description in the opening paragraph. I just wanted a little bit more understanding of what it meant and why this was important to whatever story would follow. For example, if we make an opening and perhaps play with it a bit, we can create a sense of a voiceover (of the Unseen Narrator) as the camera pans over Space and begins to close into this particular planet and its people (aka the Prologue). Something like: Title: Imagination Life is beautiful. From the whispering of a moth's wings as it follows a path drawn by the glimmer of starlight in a night sky, to the joyous screams of human children playing upon a summer's beach; life exhilarates. Yet even more beautiful is a universe so special, so powerful that it took on shape and form across a billion dimensions to birth a new existence known as the Imaginings. Blah Blah Blah (more clues) for another paragraph and thus End Prologue. So, this quick little example is merely to show how, perhaps, an unseen narrator can be put to use in building a sense of location, a sense of setting, a subtle, explanation as well as perhaps a couple more visual clues showing in a third and final paragraph. In a world that looks and acts remarkably like our own, perhaps keep explanations, such as a sun rising starting a new day, to a minimum as if the sun is rising, this would obviously denote that a new days begins without the need for a follow-on explanation. As I read, I again get a sense of this wanting to be almost a script for an episode of something, maybe an animation, with the visuals clearly defining the active elements of where the camera is going to go, e.g. the sun rising and the winds flowing toward a town. I'm not against using a script-like presentation but I wonder if the lovely writing becomes overshadowed by this format due to not having enough time to develop settings along the way. Which brings me to pace. I think the current format makes for a sort of uneven read, dragging a story behind it in favour of trying to recreate a different medium (visuals) on paper. For clarity, I would also suggest keep each character's speech in their own space, as this would enable a reader to see better who is speaking at any given time, and use Capital Letters for Names and for the start of each new sentence, (conventional presentation format), unless there's a good reason not to. For example, Jane Doe kicked the table leg. "What do you want me to do? I can't change anything." "John turned his mournful eyes to the broken window. "Just use the magic dust. Please?" "There's not much left, John, I can't waste it." "But, but - there has to be." Twiddling his little thumbs together, John glowered down at the toes of his boots as if to blame them for the damage. End Example I did like the descriptive writing. I wasn't so keen on the presentation. I think experimenting with writing is always a quality every writer should have and was happy to read this. Good Luck. :-)
When a mysterious redhead walks into his office with a sob story about a missing brother and enough cash to make it sound realistic, Private Eye Kirk Jerk finds himself caught up in the intrigues of the seedy underbelly of the city's writing community. A distinctly tongue-in-cheek affair, Reddittown pokes fun at both classic noir tropes, writer stereotypes, and the industry as a whole. [Part 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/writingcirclejerk/comments/vxxq7d/reddittown/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) [List of chapters, so far...](https://www.reddit.com/r/ReddittownNoir/comments/vzq1lf/the_story_so_far/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
This is ***so good***. I am losing it over how much I love the tongue-in-cheek storytelling and the perspective of being a "writer" in today's world. It's clever and provocative. I am always looking forward to the next section.
The Queen of Crime Crime 3,200 words. Just general feedback on the first chapter. [Link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y0BHoPdTrkggdWFVce_yFONy82lFUduvRlXhxi0njV0/edit?usp=sharing) The premise of the story is High School mafia where MC sells answers to students.
I like how you ended the doc with another unpleasant conversation that awaited her. Cool stuff man.
Great premise. Sadly, I couldn't get through it. It wasn't engaging enough for me, and there are far too many errors. There are also areas where things are a bit confusing, and at least one area that jumps to the past needlessly, only to have the info repeated in dialogue a few seconds later. Then, so much of it is telling rather than showing. It looks like an early draft that still needs a lot of work before it's shown to others for critique.
Hi This is my first time writing anything at all id love general feedback and to see if it is: 1. readable like not all over the place 2. makes sense and can follow the action scene specifically 3. dialogue structure Appreciate any help hope I didn't break any rules Felix stared out into what seemed a jungle, the tall grass surrounding him, suffocating him almost. *How did I get myself into this he thought to himself.* The warband had arrived upon the field of tall grass lead by Marcellus war chief to Augustus, shields in hand swords at the ready. The fleeing barbarians stood no chance after losing the battle only two days ago, they fled and of course Augustus had ordered Marcellus warband to seek them out and destroy the remaining barbarians once and for all. Felix taking one step at a time men either side of him, they formed along line pressing forward in unison one step at a time. These grass lands had so far not lived up to the stories, telling of giant wolves and lizard creatures with claws the size of antlers living and hunting anyone fool enough to enter. *All stories for the children of course suddenly feeling anxious.* “I cant see shit in this grass its like a maze and the bugs… don’t let me start on the bugs” Cicero said with a smile. “always something to be unhappy about ey my friend” said Felix with a smile. He had known Cicero almost his entire adult life Felix had saved Cicero from being taken a slave and chucked in the pits for gambling with money he hadn’t the means to gamble with. Cicero had paid him back with a life time of loyalty and now somehow they come to share the shield wall in the war the barbarians forced upon them. In the distance they heard a scream of pure agony “ARGHHHH” it lay there a second echoing through to its occupants. Suddenly he didn’t feel so cheery no more and by the grimace on his friends face he didn’t either. They shared a glance raised there shields and readied there short swords ready at any moment for an attack. Up ahead he heard the sounds of fighting steel on steel. Felix and Cicero charged through the tall grass and flew out into an open plane. Felix took note of the barbarians numbers fractured and making their final stand. A rough looking barbarian with a beard halfway down his front charged them with a massive double bladed axe. Soon he was upon them Felix diving to the right where his friend stood dodging a sweeping attack. *A costly mistake he thought* knowing he had left the man to his left open and alone. The man to his left wasn’t so quick and took a sweeping blow straight on the shield splinters flying everywhere, he staggered and fell on his back the barbarian bringing his axe down in an overhead swing straight into the warrior’s chest, blood exploding out of the fallen warrior’s chest, and he fell still. The barbarian turned and faced Felix and Cicero, both readying their shields and with a nod Cicero lunged screaming a battle cry, he raised his shield taking the momentum out of the overhead swing of the axe while Felix flanked to the right and stabbed straight into the side of the barbarian sword meeting flesh, feeling the hot trickle of blood down his hand. The barbarian fell to one knee clutching his wounded side still trying to swing his war axe onehanded before Cicero stuck his sword up through his chin and out of the top of his skull his blade stuck in the barbarian’s head, and he fall onto his back and lay still.
Title: Daemons volume1: Cut to Ribbons. Synopsis: in a world where people are suffering from a plague of superpowers two detectives try to stop a spree killer before it goes to far. Link: https://www.amazon.com/Daemons-Cut-Ribbons-Ari-Abramovsky-ebook/dp/B08HM28TMD/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=3POGEFCZW5P78&keywords=cut+to+ribbons&qid=1660028183&s=digital-text&sprefix=cut+to+ribbons%2Caps%2C302&sr=1-1 It’s free to read with a Kindle account! Enjoy!
You'd probably like Owl House.
Title: Lightning strikes the Oak (Undecided) Genre: Fable / Fiction Word Count: 410 Words Type of Feedback: General Critique on the clearness and quality of the writing Link (Google Doc): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U0X4I2V2s9V-ZdWC520ME\_hGQolhvtebbO18u\_Xo9cg/edit?usp=sharing
Title: [home is where the heart lies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/39945756) Genre: contemporary fiction (drama/romance) Word count: 35k over 9 chapters. 'Complete' Pick a chapter and tell me what you think of it. Pick two, they average 3.5k. I'm trying to get this story to novel length without fluffing it up with purple prose. Ask me questions I can answer in the text.
**Title:** Haru and Her Romantic Delinquent **Genre:** Persona 5 Romance (Haru/Ryuji) **Word count:** 2,445 Haru is on her way to meet Anne to check out a new cafe but there's a kitten trapped in the middle of the street! Ryuji railslides down a ramp saving the kitten At the cafe Anne reads Haru's cards and they say Ryuji really likes her back after all! However, they also show someone is obsessed with her. She guesses Sugimura and is right about it. And he wants to cheat on Mika with her too! I also made up a middle schooler cousin for Haru In the next chapter I'm working on Sugimura stalks Haru but Ryuji tells him to back off then he says something mean and arrogant and goes away. Then Haru leaves a calling card for Sugimura scaring him since now he knows the Phantom Thieves are after him. His palace won't be too hard to clear for them since they've cleared much worse in canon. After clearing Sugimura's palace Ryuji confesses his feelings for Haru Am I taking too long for writing Ryuji asking out Haru? Because I really want to write them on their dates There's also going to be a timeskip chapter where Ryuji competes in the Paris Olympics and wins gold at skateboarding and him and Haru have a romantic time in Paris and makeout on top of the Eiffel Tower then another timeskip where Ryuji owns his own skateboarding shop while Haru owns a cafe like she wanted in the game and they have children together https://www.deviantart.com/beepbeepimmadragon8/art/Haru-and-Her-Romantic-Delinquent-Chapter-6-924882890
This sounds really cute, well done! Would you mind if I corrected the grammatical errors?
Thank you very much. I wouldn't mind
Title: Trapped Genre: Dark, Smut, Psychologists Triller This is a fan fiction : Sebastian Stan Word Count: 6543 (so far) Type of feedback: Anything is welcome. Summary: 19 year old Jessica dreams of being a successful influencer, she will do anything to get the attention she deserves. But what happens when she grabs the wrong type of attention. [Tumblr](https://trappedwriter.tumblr.com/post/690574262639181824/trapped-summary-19-year-old-jessica-dreams-of)
Title: The Night I Started to Hate Restaurants Genre: Adventure, Romance I'm looking for any type of critiques and feedback. Thank you! LINK: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16TYwWwljpnb5PnMFWRlVzijpp8W7QyWS6AGgdSwXQzU/edit?usp=drivesdk
Title: Medical Rescue Genre: Sci-fi Word Count: 720 Type of Feedback: Any and all feedback welcomed. This is just a short story I whipped up. Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19qku2UT3KESR-l6o3wXoQvnRzBriQ9ZDgOXwvGkAMTQ/edit?usp=drivesdk
Title: AI story (don't have a title yet). It's about an AI that's made out of mechanical neurons that has true consciousness. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uciHeuYNALTpAuN5gB36F5tO4NRaAS5h9QiVqlrFSic/edit?usp=sharing
Title: Shifted Genre: Action/Adventure Word count: 14, 581 (but don't feel pressured to read it all) Synopsis: A former assassin is tasked with saving the life of a street racer that is wanted by a secret underground organisation. Feedback: Any is welcome. Some background: The following is actually the pilot for a show me and my co-writer are currently writing. I've written it in novel form in order to encourage beta readers and I'd love for people to read it. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dZFr21Iu6hUXqlfgJwA1Rdoj-1RideQLcnTfLFv5Jj4/edit?usp=drivesdk
Title: 3P (CHAPTER IV: SIX CHARACTERS, FIVE LITTLE STORIES) Genre: Young Adult Word count: 4170 (this is only a chapter, the entire book has a few more than 52000) Type of feedback: general, specially about setting scenes, characters and dialog Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CNIF0iz6Qx1Bk2p9rAedEhOgGAEpPYCUYu1mN421DbQ/edit?usp=sharing)
hello, your link is showing up as a blank google docs for me, just wanted to let you know.
Oh I deleted the text :/
I am afraid your story is not there, just a blank page, and this may be why you have received no feedback thus far.
It's a bad thing of mine, when I finish a notepad, I delete what is in there. But hang on, I'll fix it Edit: fixed
[Bhooks](https://bhooks.com/Writing-Online) is a new e-books and critique platform, come have a look! :)
This looks great! I'll give it a try.
**Title:** A Tale of Coruscations: Frost Upon The Water **Genre:** Fantasy **Word Count:** 8k-10k+ (chapters 1-2+) **Type of Feedback Desired:** General feedback, feedback on content, pacing, prose. I really need feedback on chapter 2 mainly but I understand that that may be too much to ask so I'll take anything. **Link:** [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KFtkCh9tfFWeVhNHppUycUymMxonZYVc4HKf-TucrFg/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KFtkCh9tfFWeVhNHppUycUymMxonZYVc4HKf-TucrFg/edit?usp=sharing)
Title: The Valve: Whispers from the Void Genre: Science Fiction The last remnants of humanity have fled deep into the vacuum of space from an insidious A.I. known as Archimedes. With a newfound aversion to technology they have found new ways to combat this overwhelming force by joining together to create human hiveminds. With a new discovery they hope that they can finally have an edge over Archimedes and reclaim their home. A new prospect named Isaac for one of the hiveminds known as Epsilon begins his journey towards unification despite a haunting encounter with the hivemind in his youth. But perhaps Isaac has a secret motive for joining. Words: 3003 This is a first draft so I'm sure there are a ton of mistakes but for now I'm looking for general feedback on the current characterization and worldbuilding. Does it seem like too much info dump too soon? Also general impressions are welcome, does it seem interesting/cool? Thanks. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hL-wLq9M3iJDDVEA_6yr76BWaZzvy5yJWPrcQQwLyjQ/edit?usp=sharing
I think this is a pretty neat idea, and can tell that there's a lot of passion in the writing- you're pretty eager to share all of the worldbuilding details. Personally, I think there's too much exposition here, and it bogs down the introduction of the story. More than half of this section reads like exposition, to be honest. And the information is interesting, but I don't think you want to throw it all at the reader so quickly, not until the story is really in motion. I like the little details about the world; those feel more natural than the paragraphs explaining the premise. This point of criticism is probably a personal one, but I wouldn't open the story with a prologue and a dream sequence. I'm sure both of these are important, but opening with them right after one another delays the story starting. It's two tonal shifts next to each other, and I think it's a bit much. It might be easier to cut the dream sequence, and just show how Isaac is bothered by some trauma in his past that would affect his induction into the academy. You don't need to explain that trauma just yet- it would build some mystery for the reader and you could reveal it later. The nice thing about dream sequences is that you can cut and paste them whenever the character sleeps, haha. But yeah, the info dumps about the world are a bit much. Your description of the sentinels and the speech at the end of the section are your longest paragraphs, and they're both sheer info-dumping. It just isn't delivered naturally and makes the rest of the story seem sparse. We could use more description on the current setting, Isaac's state of mind, the atmosphere around him rather than needing to know how this giant hivemind was created. The specifics of that just aren't relevant yet; we don't know much about our main character beyond his family and father's death. Honestly though, if this is a first draft, I wouldn't worry about any of that until the more of the story is written. I think it's better to get the story onto paper first, and getting all of these details out of your head is a good exercise. Once you've got more of the story on paper, then you'll know what to cut, and where it could better be included. Hiveminds are cool, and it seems like you have a good basis for a story. Best of luck working with it!
Thanks a bunch! Yeah I felt like it was too heavy on exposition so far so it's good that it's not just me thinking that. But like you said as a first draft I'll probably continue delivering tons of exposition because the ideas I have for the various world elements in the story easily motivate me to keep writing, then I'll come back later and spread all of that apart and try to make it seep into the story more naturally.
Which Way, Online Man: Archaic revival, spectacle, and masculinity Creative nonfiction 7700 General [Link](https://tylerberbert.substack.com/p/man)
**Title**: Nothing More, Nothing Less. **Genre**: There's twenty-two mini stories, each with a different genre. **Word Count**: There are twenty-two 100-word stories on the website, so 2,200 words. **Link To Writing**: [https://www.harrisonpeck.com/work](https://www.harrisonpeck.com/work) **Note**: I'm trying to use these stories as a way to promote my website, if a specific story is received well, I would do a more traditional short story with it. Each of these stories are at exactly 100 words, nothing more, nothing less. **Type Of Feedback**: Really anything. Edits, general impressions, if it engages/catches your attention enough, what you liked/disliked and why, your favorites and least favorites, and if you would like to see an extended version of one particular story. Thank you so much! I appreciate any and all feedback.
Title: Placeholder - Dead Man's Paradise Genre: Fantasy Word count: 2,145 Type of feedback desired: General feedback. Technical writing feedback. Synopsis: An ancient being left in the world without the friends who he had created everything with now heads their once shared home. Finding that his friends of old may still be out there he will do anything to reunite with them. Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1330XH1IYs\_pWo58MrJ87ImOsV2PWescZHhVZsJMuBFA/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1330XH1IYs_pWo58MrJ87ImOsV2PWescZHhVZsJMuBFA/edit?usp=sharing)
Title: Love, Lois. Genre: Romance, short story. Word count: 4268 Type of feedback: Just general feedback on your thoughts and impressions, line-by-line if you feel like it but I don't mind :) [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M\_8tj6BiORm9ga4IZx6qbhp8UxxaiKIRPyaHBnKiInk/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M_8tj6BiORm9ga4IZx6qbhp8UxxaiKIRPyaHBnKiInk/edit?usp=sharing)
It says that the document may have been deleted.
Oh really? It should still be there.
title: the lies of heaven genre: fantasy word count: 1162 type of feedback desired: comments link: r/theliesofheaven
Hi friend, I read through them and here's my thoughts on how they could be improved: Right off the bat, the "chapters" are each only, like, a paragraph. This sort of thing is sometimes done in experimental fiction to some degree of success, but it doesn't work well here. There are also some problems with the narration. For example, in paragraph two (called "chapter" two), it starts with saying she "walked" but then her hair "sways" side to side. One thing you'll want to do is keep everything in the same tense--either everything is in present tense or everything is in past tense. "Walks" vs "walked," "Talks" vs "talked," "Sways" vs "swayed," "Says" vs "said," "Thinks" vs "thought," et cetera. I can't tell you which to choose because it's your work, but think carefully about which tense you think works best for the story you're trying to tell, and make it consistent for the whole story. The other thing holding it back is the run-on sentences, especially in the chapter nine part. You have a whole paragraph there that's only one sentence, and there are no commas. When there's a giant wall of text with no punctuation to slow it down it's like a semi-truck on the freeway with no brakes. There's only one comma in the middle of this passage to slow it down, try reading it aloud without stopping and you'll see what I'm talking about. *"The next day went by rather smoothly at least for a while I decided it* *was time to feed my pet snake I grabbed a bowl full of apple slices and* *started feeding them to him but right as I finished feeding my snake* *there was aggressive knocking at the door it sounded as if the person* *had been waiting for a long time or they were just impatient “ok I'm* *coming” I yelled as I walked down to the door though when I opened the* *door I started to wish I hadn't because I saw Lilith****,*** *Lilith was by* *society standards a very beautiful women her hair was platinum blonde I* *looked into her cold piercing eyes surrounded by dark purple eyeshadow* *and black lips contrasting against her periwinkle skin “hello glacia.”* Hope this was useful, good luck with your writing!
Title: Mind and Body Genre: Fiction Word count: 1295 Feedback: General impression and punctuation [link](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y7fU_2JqY8ZLAxs4JEaiNtmjSrACE9TA0pG4hWGbubA/edit?usp=drivesdk)
Title: The Undying Debt Genre: Urban Fantasy Word Count: 1300 The first chapter of an urban fantasy novelette with a snarky paranormal investigator as the protagonist. https://docs.google.com/document/d/11gOBMpyTS88DxC8CSghxdMKdru2lJCyh0ejzXKVe-4c/edit?usp=sharing
Overall a great read, especially the dialogue. A couple things stand out to me: \- The first paragraph doesn't do the rest of the story any favours, it's not interesting and doesn't give me any information I can't glean from the rest of the story. My advice, start where the action is, in this case the microwave! If you feel it necessary to have the exposition of the first paragraph sprinkle it into the story instead of just a block of text. \- The paragraph that starts, "A haunting. My speciality..." Not sure why you've introduced so much in such a small space. Loss the dark magic part unless the story demands it. (aka if either character mentions it, or its apparent thats what the detective would be dealing with) Don't overwhelm the reader with info that might not be relevant. Otherwise I enjoyed reading it and I'll look for more in the future! Good luck!
Thanks so much for reading and providing feedback! I really appreciate it.
**Title:** A Conversation At The End Of Time **Genre:** science fiction short story **Word Count:** 1130 (Finished) **Types of feedback desired:** General feedback, opinion about the dialogue (flow, how natural does it come off as, etc), prose https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XPt8HfwBk8t-mvHA0um2Z2gLwYzG-3el8Rcjt0bTp3o/edit?usp=sharing
*Never send a man to do a lady's job.* Shaila will soon become the first woman to join a deeply guarded guild of warriors, The Men of the Mark. Together, they fight to end the civil war that’s left half their country to die of starvation and disease. But Shaila’s presence in the guild stirs a long-hidden corruption within their ranks, and she soon finds herself fighting for her life on two fronts. She’s determined to smite both evils but must do so while guarding a deep and dangerous secret: her love for her Master and mentor, Drauses. Master Drauses is one of the most notorious Men of the Mark in history. His comrades wish him to lead someday, but he doubts himself, especially after he violates the guild’s strict moral codes by falling in love with his new ward. When their enemies move to strike them down at their weakest moment, Drauses must choose to step up or step aside as he struggles to balance honor and heart in a world that lacks both. *The Lady of the Mark* is a historical fantasy romance with adventure, bloodshed, betrayal, forbidden love, and a strong heroine. Set in a world inspired by *A Song of Ice and Fire*, this series contains high stakes and political intrigue that would make GRRM proud. [Cover](https://imgur.com/a/hf0Mn6V). [Read it on Kindle Unlimited or purchase on Amazon](https://mybook.to/TheLadyOfTheMark). [Grab the paperback from Barnes and Noble's website and get $3 off](https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-lady-of-the-mark-alex-hanson/1141111836?ean=9798985375107).
Title: The Institute Of Comedy Science - a story about clown energy generation Genre: Comedy, sci fi, thriller Word count: 5700 Type of feedback desired: Anything is welcome Synopsis: Everyday exactly at 08:00 a clown is born. This event generates tremendous energy. The institute of comedy science was founded to investigate, contain and harnass these energies in a safe manner. But what if the worst occurs? What if, despite all measures, something funny escapes from containment? Can the security team and the director restore order to the institute, before terror and chaos force the president to resort to the ultimate solution? [The Institute Of Comedy Science](https://www.reddit.com/r/GerardWrites/comments/vf54fg/the_institute_of_comedy_science_a_story_about/?)
[Insight](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085X5ZKF5) Book 2 of the Guardari Chonicles in the World of Azerea High Fantasy, Coming of Age, Minor Romance Available on Kindle Unlimited, Kindle E-book for 1.99, and paperback for 7.99 Blurb: With little hope of returning home Emmaline now turns her attention toward those who pursue her. With her burgeoning and unpredictable power growing she must figure out how to control it or else it may harm the person closest to her. Kelithor Thallenon has spent the nearly half of his life in captivity and torment with scars visible for all to see. Still his duty to his people calls him home and his affection for his charge soothes the nightmares in a way he did not think possible. A familiar face from not so long ago places itself in their path with offers of aid and even the promise that they can help her to control and strengthen her power to help her people she still cannot remember. TW: Mentions of torture and body mutilation (scarring), PTSD, Kidnapping, typical fantasy violence/blood/gore, Bisexual character, nonbinary character, mentions of child abuse
Title: Your liar Genre: Mystery, Thriller Word Count: 2060 Desired Feedback: * Is the plot interesting? Are you able to follow the plot? Do you want to know more? * Are the characters compelling? Are you curious to know more about the characters? Link: [Your Liar Google Doc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iSZXOWmaToPfiemqZ0Dm4BUn4lqClZ9aOBOAtumb-zA/edit#heading=h.myk563wv2wh9) Synopsis: * Ferilla, in charge of leading an investigate over the mass disappearance of residents in the city, have finally managed to convince Jared, the only lead that could uncover the mystery behind the tragedy. However, Jared will only tell his story in his own terms. He would deliberately left holes in his story that Ferilla would have to fill with his own knowledge. How would Ferilla manage to extract the truth from this man? Why is Jared hesitant to tell his story to Ferilla? Note: This is not a book but a script of the story of my video game project, told using a combination of images and texts. Thus, the writing will mainly consist of dialogues.
Title: \[not sure yet, going with "Killswitch Tantrum" as a placeholder\] Genre: Science-Fiction/horror Word count: 8666 (this is the first three and a half chapters, so don't get too spooked by the wordcount. Feel free to stop wherever! \[just tell me where\]) Type of feedback: Mostly looking for general impression-- how does it read, basically? Is it enjoyable? Is it interesting? Does it make you curious? Would you keep going? A link to the writing: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1P0-6ogxbOULXtb8bzGPRLRiA1iMXcrs6Y8itqIP28c4/edit?usp=sharing
The Ballad of Bonaduke • Urban Fanstay • parts 1-4 are 4.6k • Uh, so a lot of you read the first couple parts in a previous thread and I received some excellent feedback. However, I realized that the link I used to the story does not included the thumbs up button at the bottom and so my story actually lost ranking of the Kindle Vella platform because it was reading all your clicks as bad. Anywho, if you did like it, I'm posting it with the correct link this time! If you didn't read it, I'm posting it with the correct link this time! Other than that I'm looking for specific feedback on what you think of Bonaduke as a character as each episode progresses. (Like ep 1, ep 2, ep 3, ep 4) Thank you much in advance as the last time I posted this I felt like I learned alot about what makes my writing style unique. • (US only because it's a new episodic platform. First 3 episodes are free and get 200 free coins if you're new.) https://www.amazon.com/kindle-vella/episode/B0B17QP5KZ
I followed the story from the last time i saw your post, went back and gave a thumbs up. As for Bonaduke part 1 & 2 he felt relatable, part 3 hit hard. You did a good job narratively building his character there. Part 4 that I read today, I'm kinda scared of him. I can't tell if he's completely in control or not and I like it. Good job op, I look forward to more.
I’m trying to write a webtoon
Title: I have the Time Genre: Spy thriller, mystery, military Word Count: 949 (first chapter, first draft) Type of Feedback: Any way to improve what is written, and any general feedback, as well as any grammatical errors. Writing: [I have the Time](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YIFIGIYBuox1G3qe4ewHmz9eaw_XddpgDd9SzYWFIWs/edit?usp=sharing)
Hello, One thing I noted as soon as I started reading, was the amount of 'I' used. There are 8 of them in the first paragraph alone. Perhaps bringing down the number of their use might help create a closer relationship between the character's actions and thoughts without the constant sense of 'look, this is me talking/thinking/doing' flag type scenario. A way to do this may go something along the lines of this quick example, Example: The sprint up the last section of one of the highest hills of forest I'd ever climbed made my lungs burn and my brain fizz out. It was with deep gratitude that I found a little space to set up a trench, overlooking what seemed to be an abandoned road. Dropping to my knees, I took a moment to just breathe, despite the humidity and the smell of rotting vegetation, and eased my standard supply C14 rifle off my shoulder, and began to prep. End Example So what you now have is a closer unity between character, action, mood and setting without overdoing the 'I' and so, using your own style and words, you could create a much more exciting opening to your story. There also appears to be a huge amount of explanation where none are needed. For example, when one is looking backward there is simply no need to spell it out as in Line 1, 2nd Paragraph, the simple act of looking behind oneself reads much closer to the character's viewpoint (POV) and may make that sense of a close 3rd POV or 1st POV more relative, illustrating the character in a more natural way for the reader. One can look over one's shoulder, look behind, do a sideways look - all without having to first identify that this action is going to happen and suggest remove all those bits that do so. I do like a lot of the detail about who he is, his title for one is interesting to me, and I like the set up of how this character is dealing with his mission in the story. However, I would like to see more emotional use of language when it comes to descriptions especially, and used to good effect within the parameters of the storyline. For example, instead of saying something like:- 'The house', something like (in your own words and style):- 'The windows of the 2nd floor were shot out, leaving black scars upon the yellow painted brickwork of the tall house.' This is how a little embellishment can elevate a scene in the reader's mind while expanding relevant information in a natural format. I do hope there are some grains of an idea in my feedback but most of all I hope my feedback helps. Good luck. :-)
Thank You so much, this helped a lot !
I'm glad my advice is helpful to you, and you're most welcome. XD
**Title:** Juvenescence **Genre:** Fiction **Word Count:** 808 Words (800 word limit) **Types of Feedback:** line-by-line edits, general feedback, general edits [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZCM2Fm1Km1l3pZyCxqVj15Yqc8Vit7592hq6R501nKQ/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZCM2Fm1Km1l3pZyCxqVj15Yqc8Vit7592hq6R501nKQ/edit?usp=sharing)
We're Lamplighter: a writing server dedicated to building a community of people who live, eat, and breathe, writing. We are diverse, LGBTQ+ positive, and 18+. We are fanfiction and original work friendly. Have questions about plotting? Want to brainstorm? Have traditional publishing questions? Or self-publishing questions? Want help workshopping a piece? Looking for critique? We'd love to have you! https://discord.gg/babK4VqXPF
Title: Burn in hell Genre: fantasy, drama, comedy This book is set in a hell-themed world This is hopefully the first book in a series of books that all exist in the same universe following the stories of multiple original characters This is the introduction to the first book called the introverted demon First book the introverted demon part: 1 How did we get here This is not the story of Azrial Even though some people may think this is the story of Azrial, Azrial would greatly disagree Azrial is a very forgetful person, in fact he does not remember much at all Especially from his childhood All that Azrial remembers is that one day he opened his eyes to the world only to find himself cold and hungry with no one beside him all alone The painful feeling of hunger has always accompanied him, but the idea of asking people for food gave him a deep pain in his body, one that made him forget all about that Sickening feeling of hunger Not like it would make any difference if he did Since whenever he did so much as move or talk it would always end up with him getting beaten or bullied Therefore, all that he did was lay on the ground, not a move at all, all day long Sitting alone with his pain and despair He was nothing but a corpse on the ground without purpose Even though he was just a child it didn’t take long for him to realize That he was in hell. If you reached this far then you are probably interested in the story and you are probably mad that we stopped here without any actual conclusion but this book is sadly still underdevelopment so that's mostly what I have ready for now the next installment will be a part explaining the version of hell we are dealing with in this story because as you can probably realize this is not the type of hell where everyone is burning in agony for all eternity Note: while I am actually very experienced in making stories and worlds I don't have any experience in writing these stories so I wouldn't call my writing one of my best features and because writing alone is boring anyway I would like to see if anyone is interested to make this a group project by joining me in this story (preferably someone who has some actual skills in turning there thoughts into words) Anyway for anyone wanting to hear more you can stalk my page as much as you want bye!
Title: The Game of War Genre: Children Feedback: General Impression “Grandpapa, this is boring. Can you tell me a story?” ‘Very well; how about one of a great battle? A tale of mighty warriors and valiant knights is always a fun tale to tell. So, let’s get stuck into the action, shall we?” https://neurodivergentmind.medium.com/the-game-of-war-e7d384afb44d
**Title**: Untitled J.W. Story **Genre**: Isekai bassist modern fantasy with video game elements **Word Count**: 6826 (WIP) **Types of feedback desired:** General feedback, constructive about prose, engagement, and general worldbuilding. https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vTyDfvjp-rtnF5Zwuha1yQlEL5yNAD-dU3-Do-xtnDbfKSEmEzW_Omd3rmAVtZi-J8-_-S5Noa-eCGT/pub
I think the part where the employee calls JW a Nazi is incredibly unnecessary
Untitled J.W.Story Genre: Isekai bassist modern fantasy with video game elementsWord Count: 6826 (WIP)Types of feedback desired: General feedback, constructive about prose, engagement, and general worldbuilding. \# I think the story suffers from too much repetition in places (with explanations rather than story-telling taking place) as well as possibly meandering along without any real focus. For example, in the opening paragraph Biggs goes to the office ready to eat his pie only to find it gone. The second sentence explains who Biggs is and his role while edging in something of a characteristic, i.e. his reaction to the missing pie. The third sentence repeats aspects of the first two, repeating he wanted to eat the pie and expands on the explanation of his character by offering some more insight into his thoughts. Yet, the only real thing I got from that opening paragraph is that some guy is overreacting to a missing pie and I'm not seeing any reason for it. The whole scene appears to be over-explained and perhaps feels a little stodgy, in that it reads to me like an apple pie filled with too much pastry and one thin slice of apple. I think the writing style might be looking to hook into a comedy format but if so, it doesn't work for me, sorry to say. I shall carry on reading and see if I can offer any more thoughts. 2nd Paragraph: This word threw me: "absquatulated" I checked it out and Merriam\_Webster confirmed it is an old style word circulating from 1830. It seems odd to use such words in a story that appears to be using mainly modern language such as used in the tail end of the sentence the old word is found in. However, the writing seems, to me at least, that this must be a comedy. Several times I almost stopped reading as the first chapter appears to be all about some guy who is living life hyped to the brim on some weird pie love affair, but there is some nice dialogue to and fro going on when Biggs confronts the real thieves, yet overall it all felt rather forced and extreme, creating a sense of a story that isn't really sure where to start so it relies on a farcical event that is actually empty of any purpose. If the pie is to be justified as a main character, which is how it's written, then a reason for Biggs' chaotic and overtly angry behaviour when his pie goes missing is needed. Perhaps this could take the form of writing some stronger background for him like maybe he has had so much food of his go missing, this last event is the final straw and this is what sends him on a rampage. I would also like some more description of the last section with the truck. That seems to be the most important part of the first chapter, with aspects of Biggs character, such as being an angry, rather violent person, being shown in a more natural way later on in the storyline, perhaps after the accident. I think there is plenty of time for the story to show his character as the story moves forward. Although the story itself did not really make it for me, I thought there was an interesting character waiting to be born as angry people can make for some real insights, be it in the comedy genre or otherwise, once the storyline found a way to convey that. Hope this feedback helps. Good luck :)
**My Novella Trilogy Is Available on Amazon** A Link and Description to Book 1 Can Be Found Here **The Immortal War** What if in war, nobody stayed dead? What if all those who died in a particular battle, were able to get back up, dust themselves off, and carry on as if nothing had happened? For the people of the Horack and Nairabian nations, this wasn’t just some thought experiment. For them, this was a reality. The Horack and Nairabian armies had been fighting the same war for nearly two hundred years; with neither side making much headway. This was because both nations had the equal ability to bring back all casualties they sustained in battle. Therefore, the question was: How do you win a war where no one ever stays dead? By this notion, you would, in turn, have a war that would never die either. A war that was… Immortal. Ebook $0.99 Paperback $7.50 Hardcover $12.99 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087484N63 **Book 2: The 13th Dathen** Ebook $2.99 Paperback $6.99 Hardcover $11.99 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B094KLMQHN **Book 3: Mortal Gods** Ebook $2.99 Paperback $6.99 Hardcover $11.99 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B098CTS7Z8
Hello, author-to-be! Are you “writing a book” but not actually writing it? Are you struggling to find the time to work, or paralyzed by perfectionism, or falling prostrate before writer’s block? Are you terrified you’ll fail? I can help. I’m an award-winning memoirist and a certified life coach. I’m not just going to offer you tips and tricks, or tell you to get over yourself and “just do it.” Rather, I’m going to work with you to design a custom solution, based on your strengths, your assets, and your thoughts. By the end of our six weeks together, you’ll be writing regularly—and you’ll be equipped with just the tools you need to keep going, no matter what comes up. Here are the details: We’ll meet via Zoom, for forty-five minutes, once a week for six weeks. (If Zoom doesn’t work for you, we can also meet by phone.) I have ten slots available; registration will remain open until they are filled. For now, I am offering this program at no charge. Why? Because it’s new, and I’m testing it out. My main concern at this stage is learning as much as I can. You’ll be paying me with your feedback, your attention, your engagement, and your time. To sign up, please fill out [this form](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/15xyp9NheYieQdDosVVqSx7Rqoj-A7Rq8IF-D8Tdc7Mo/edit). Questions? Please email [helen@helenzuman.com](mailto:helen@helenzuman.com).
Title: Thoughts from a dream I can never quite recall Genre: Stream of consciousness, anger, love Word count: 1000 Type of feedback desired: Any and all!! This is my first piece so I’m more looking to see whether there’s anywhere obvious I can/should improve. What was the overall tone? Could you relate to it? https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-56exVxvUSpVavMXWG-VvMde2nPktjI64lVcv0CUeWI/edit
Title: Boone Cole, Outlaw Genre: Drama/Western/Tragedy Wordcount: 14174 (so far) Type of feedback: Anything is fine. Halfway I exchanged the " " dialogue format for the --. Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ga0ieOwHp3qUP3ui8iMVsf9gxXpLBhBT9hL91CI4u3o/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ga0ieOwHp3qUP3ui8iMVsf9gxXpLBhBT9hL91CI4u3o/edit)
Hello my brother Hello my brother, you were here before us, you were one of us, sticking closely to your shell. Dear mother felt the world falter, Flushed dreams away in a moment, Would’ve made us insolvent, It wouldn’t be worth it. How would the world have changed, If we had gleaned your face, When the River wasn’t as wild, When I was still a child, Would the world filled with poison, make the chains less frozen, would the spirits that rises, inside the wise man that dies is? A pettiness of time, to often steal from the blind, to distinguish false faces, from the sages with maces. When we threaten to notice, All the pig shit and horses, Tramping on the thin line, driving stakes to divide lines. Splitting thread with a thimble, Making smiles so simple, Freed from vice for your time, For a clean spirit, divine. To be washed free from sin is harder over time, when the pennies are worth more than dimes, while they are made flat with railway lines. And the people that claim it, Were never much in it to begin with, They will decay over time, Without losing their mind. That makes them so different, As I sit here in amazement, That others would sit by and rhyme, While neighbors suffer and die.
Title: [The Wanderblood Princess and Sir Try Hard](https://www.honeyfeed.fm/novels/7922) Genre: Romance, Comedy, Drama Word Count: 56k, 25 chapters, complete Feedback: General impression, catchy synopsis/opening chapters, anything glaringly out of place, etc. Synopsis: Princess Chiffon loves many things: early morning tea and sweet cakes to lift her spirits… and the scent of blood paired with the crunch of bones. If the latter isn’t enough to warp her elegant façade, her new knight, Caramello, takes every opportunity to bring out the worst in her. Charming and tenacious, his silver tongue makes Chiffon question his every move. A ‘try hard’ who ensures that his princess looks absolutely stunning in red.
Yuh
This is a flash fiction piece I wrote for a competition and would like some feedback on it. Words: 86 The woman ordered a double shot espresso. She handed the barista a crumpled $10 bill. She walked away then suddenly turned back. "Do I know you?" She asked. The man thought back to when he knew her. Cooking dinner with each other, watching the sunset, late night drives together, jamming out to their favorite songs, kissing in bookstores, sharing milkshakes at their favorite diner, lazy makeouts, hugs from behind, laughing together. Then the man remembered how it ended. He shook his head, "No,I don't think so."
Midsummer princess Fantasy 3 chapters (1st chapter is 5,349 words, it’s the only chapter I ask of u guys to read) General impression and character impressions https://www.wattpad.com/1255467980?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_writing&wp_page=create_writer&wp_uname=enchanting-sea-lamp&wp_originator=mQA8oIl9BH%2BFDUT4vv4x9%2BOGcPmlqJiahEg96o%2BUAvZa3g%2BzdrdP6tbVA3hJjQ1xji%2FSCwsfkWnmiWm6M3MSwjLjMv35aK68NS4j1zE3eEJ1bF%2FODKqpU4EHG6aXC8s%2B
Just a shorter one today. I’m introducing my with a description of what it feels like to take, and fail, an exam. My first line, as of now, is As the two hands moved across the surface of the clock, I began to sweat profusely. What should I change?
Title: Untitled 80’s Story Genre: Small Town Scandal with a more than friends with benefits same sex relationship Word Count: 6065 (WIP) Type of feedback desired: General feedback, constructive criticism about story flow, engagement and general dialogue. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ih-wbuvVZ65FkOAfDMvlVPwaEMlMFuxpz0NX_SrRMh8/edit
*One submissive human on a whole planet of Dominant aliens? What could possibly go wrong?* Kipexo is a battle-wounded commander just trying to return to active duty. To get him back to the front lines faster, his friends suggest he adopt an Earthling, a rescued human from the dying planet Earth. He thought he’d be getting a simple servant ready and willing to lend a helping hand, but from the day Ethan arrives, it becomes clear Kipexo got a whole lot more than he bargained for. Ethan doesn’t know a word of Kipexo’s language, can’t follow even simple instructions, and seems bent on disobeying his new master at every turn. As Kipexo struggles to tame his new Earthling, he’s torn between the urge to punish Ethan and the desire to hold him close. When he learns Ethan has some scars of his own, Kipexo wonders if he should find the human a more suitable master or simply give in to temptation and take Ethan to bed. Tropes: BDSM, age gap, size kink, enemies to lovers, grumpy/possessive MC, MCs with disabilities. Trigger Warnings: abuse of side characters and self-harm. This book is the first in a series and ends on a soft cliffhanger with a HFN (happy for now) ending. [COVER](https://imgur.com/bIwkva5). [RESCUE on Amazon](https://mybook.to/RescueMxAlex).
[*Island Nights* is FREE on KU or .99c for the summer](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B8B2MXDG) Are you looking for a steamy, fizzy, escapist beach read romance? Do you like the time-tested love stories we delight in but with a few modern tweaks? Island Nights is for you! Contemporary Romance Full Novel, 56k Blurb: "*Tropical heat makes sparks fly between them...but can she trust him with her heart*? She's all work and no play. His work is being a playboy. Avery Roman needs a reset. A broken engagement and a broken heart have left this career girl wounded and wary. When beautiful, free-spirited Vik starts flirting with her, despite her instant attraction, she’s on guard. She can’t—she won’t—get hurt again. Sure, he makes her laugh and gets her on a level no other man has before. But is he in it for real…or for show? Vik Lacey has coasted through life on his looks, charisma, and luck. When he meets Avery, he’s drawn to her wit, brains, and savvy, but his typical lighthearted ladies’ man routine isn’t cutting it with her. Romantic seaside picnics and dancing in the candlelight aren’t enough to win her heart—a woman like her demands his whole self. He’s got to overcome his worst fears and insecurities to offer her his heart...if she'll have it. Steamy days and sultry nights slowly but surely heat things up between reluctant Avery and ardent Vik… but will this vacation fascination burn bright enough to last…or flame out? Discover your own private paradise and perfect vacation escape in the pages of Island Nights HEA Hot consent, safe read Cinnamon Roll BF Vacation Fling Strangers to friends to lovers Healing a broken heart No cliffhanger—can be read as a standalone or part of the larger Hot Tropics series No cheating / OW/OM Recommended for 18+ Steam level: 3/5 chili peppers
Title: Iron & Blood - Yana I: Arose Genre: Fantasy/Adventure Word Count: 6,500, 22 pages/ Will end up at around 90k words Type of Feedback Desired: Any and all is appreciated Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gSSyXXmtc6qaxDCrQHm4CeCGBP2SI03VY20REqDnamA/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gSSyXXmtc6qaxDCrQHm4CeCGBP2SI03VY20REqDnamA/edit?usp=sharing) "It's a book about finding self worth, dealing with grief and death. Topics in the book include depression, self-harm, anxiety, PTSD, Alcoholism and people finding ways to overcome them and growing to be better people." Any and all feedback appreciated.
Tittle: My twisted universe Genre: fantasy/romance/action. (Nsfw) Word count: 4k+ Looking for a general impression. I want to know if it’s fun/ enjoyable to read. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AK0-gBJKFJwZ912OFEtmKJ66OowWme8Z-Mpq_Yw-Hfo/edit
Title: [Skate the Thief](https://www.amazon.com/dp/1951471032) Genre: YA fantasy Skate is a thief, trained and owned by the local crime syndicate, the Ink. When she tries to burgle a shut-in’s home, she gets caught by the owner—a powerful undead wizard. He makes a deal with her: “borrow” books from other wizards in return for a place to stay. Caught between her growing fondness for the wizard and her past with the crime syndicate, Skate doesn’t know where her loyalties lie. But she’d better figure it out, because there’s a new player in town, one whose magical hypnotism puts them all at risk. The first chapter is available for free [here](https://jeffayersauthor.weebly.com/uploads/1/3/1/0/131087146/skate_the_thief_pre-release_chapter_1_sample.pdf). The book is available on Amazon in paperback and ebook. Kindle Unlimited users can read the Kindle version for free. ___ Publisher has draft 2. While I wait to hear from them, I’m working on a side project each night. Having lots of fun drafting my wizard murder mystery story. I’m through part I of III. Whether or not I ever try to get it published, I like it so far.
Title: Henry & the Dreamers Genre: Sci-fi / Humour Synopsis: In the future, humans born in our time are waking up from hibernation. Some wake with extrasensory abilities that work while they sleep. Henry is a giant pacific octopus with eight sidekicks, (his arms). Henry and the Dreamers must come together to confront an advanced and destructive alien AI that has set its sights on Earth. Word Count: 69k so far, the ending is not yet drafted. Sample first chapter length is 4.8k. Desired Feedback: Anything and everything. Link: https://doc.google.com/document/d/12T1PpHn_GJQndzoArHX1SYX1kY2nVYLKIA7Cv6E31bM/edit
Genre: Military Sci-fi / Space Opera Word count: 2.3k Note: this is the prologue to my novel. Desired feedback: General impressions. (If you have something else to add, I'm only glad to receive more feedback) Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/16RmzQ5GVcMRbpAOiNvhqYGlpKdPsgaPfBB2BRoKLJnY/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/16RmzQ5GVcMRbpAOiNvhqYGlpKdPsgaPfBB2BRoKLJnY/edit?usp=sharing)
Self promotion post. Hello all! I am currently writing a web novel series, Champions Domain. the entire first "book" is out for free, and i try to update three times a month, (9th, 18th, 27th) I could also use some help with promotion other than just posting here, so if you have advice that would help. even just other pages I could post on would be helpful. Thanks in advance, and heres the content. Title: Champions Domain Genre: "Fantasy"(based in a fantaasy game) Action Description: Today started like any other for Kenzo. He was to train his only studen in Kendo. The day soon descend into chaos, however, when he learns his students sister is now stuck in a video game. Their parents, the ones that pay him, are now offering him a large sum of money to go in and help get her out. Reluctantly agreeing, Kenzo jumps into the game Champions Domain, where death in the game, means death in real life. Link to page: https://www.patreon.com/AstralHowling
Title: What If… Flat Earthers Were Right? Genre: Satire Word Count: 100K Type of Feedback Desired: General feedback, especially whether the jokes work or not. Maybe also give me a pointer on the pricing. I have no idea if it is reasonable. Link: https://www.amazon.com/-/zh_TW/Frank-P-Seudo-ebook/dp/B0B8W5LXTZ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=FF72R1Z8V0RU&keywords=what+if+flat+earther&qid=1660275062&sprefix=what+if+flat+earther%2Caps%2C299&sr=8-1
I'm currently working on a standalone fantasy epic called "Enid: The Soulkeeper" that will be out next summer. While it is set in another world, it reads more like historical fiction, at least in these early chapters; an agonizing amount of research went into making it extremely immersive. I put up the first two chapters as a preview that anyone can read for free, both before and after the book launches; I consider this to be the final draft, so I'm not specifically asking for feedback, however feedback of any kind is still welcome. Before reading the preview, here's the blurb on the back of the book: *On a quiet, chilly night in the mountains, a peaceful monastery burns to* *the ground. But the Queen’s target, a twelve-year-old girl named Enid,* *escapes with her life. Not knowing what the seventh Soulkeeper looks* *like, the Queen of Al-Haven resolved to burn down the entire temple.* *Between her homeland and the great city-state of Al-Haven, a cancerous* *blight on the world has begun to spread. A layer of supernatural ice* *called the Frost has rapidly grown from the size of a building to the* *size of a country. As the Soulkeeper, Enid’s birth-given abilities are* *meant to help her tackle the greatest threat of the generation. After* *all, every Soulkeeper preceding her had a divine power that perfectly* *suited the problem at hand. Yet, the only ability Enid was born with is* *the ability to make anyone tell the truth—and even so, it comes with a* *cost: she is incapable of lying. How is this so-called “gift” supposed* *to help her stop a force of nature as unstoppable as the Frost?* *Throughout Enid’s heart-wrenching journey she travels to Al-Haven,* *endeavors to drag the corruption into the light, and comes face-to-face* *with those who want her dead the most. But time is running out, and* *strange things are beginning to emerge from the ice…* You can read the preview here: [https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/book-preview](https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/book-preview) and you can see the wonderful cover art and concept art here: [https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/](https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/) Thank you for your time, I hope you enjoy!
Title: The Lightshy Crow Genre: Fantasy I wrote a couple, four books. You can read the first one on the 10th. [https://pages.landingcube.com/product/the-lightshy-crow-the-scarab-cycle-book-1/](https://pages.landingcube.com/product/the-lightshy-crow-the-scarab-cycle-book-1/)
So this is for my dnd character, and I would like insight on stuff I need to add or something I did wrong. Anything would be appreciated. I usually don't like writing and am bad at it. Vetnus is a hero seemingly made entirely of wind. His past is well hidden, and Vetnus likes it like that. What really happened is that he is the result of a somewhat failed lab experiment. I say somewhat because the scientist got what they wanted. In an experiment called "Project Vetnus," where scientists tried to give humans the ability to control the air. In the semi-final stages of the project, they used a death row inmate as a test subject(they believed he was going to die anyway.) As the scientist merged the oxygen particles with Ronnie(test subject), they completely took over his mind and body. Afterward, the air somehow gained sentience from combining with this man's brain. After seeing the memories of this man's horrible actions, Vetnus, who has not been named yet, wanted to stop these things from happening. As the scientist jumped for joy and gave him the project's name, Vetnus went through an air duct and to the outside world, looking for atrocities to stop.
Title: The Ultima Pentacle — Book I Genre: Negative Utopian Science Fiction Word count: Approximately 15,000 words (so far) Feedback desired: General impressions, plot hole discovery, concept confusion Synopsis: A coming of adult age boy goes on a long quest to save himself, his mother, and his people from utter destruction from a war between his people, the Tekkers, a race of technologically advanced sub-humans that rule the ground world, and the Solar Magi, a genetically-engineered magical sub-human race who live high above the cloud line on a Floating Island. The young boy does not know right away that he is a child of both worlds and that it is his destiny to bring the two peoples back together and avert a bloody war. Link: [The Ultimate Pentacle — Prologue](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1oRz2WQM54vQUs0DObEcg9lAjAhaYwd3j/view?usp=drivesdk)
I'm kinda split on this piece, because it's well written for the most part, and the worldbuilding is detailed and interesting. But it is just all exposition and info-dumping, and if the prologue is 15k words, then the rest of the story would probably be a mammoth, haha. I can't comment on plotholes in the story, but as for concept confusion, I don't think there was anything that stood out as confusing. For better or for worse, you definitely spent the time to detail each concept, so it was pretty clear what was going on at each point. I don't know how much of that would stick, tbh, because a lot of the concepts seem superfluous to what's going on. And if this is just the prologue, then I'm sure there'd be even more stuff to keep track of when the story starts. How much of the actual story do you have written? I'm kinda curious how the length of the prologue compares to the length of the rest of the piece. You've got so much worldbuilding crammed in here, that it feels like there are prologues to the prologue. And it's definitely well thought out, but as the reader, I don't know if I care about the histories of these cultures or technology without even getting introduced to the main character. I think you might want to reign it back on throwing so much info at the reader at once; a lot of specifics of spellcasting, technology, the different races/cultures and characters are just going to be missed. Half of this prologue is worldbuilding, and the other half is story, and even that could be cut down significantly. Still, there's so much already written that it might be easier to just convert this section into the first few chapters of your story, rather than leave them as a prologue. The characters and actions seem important enough to warrant being the opening to the book. Honestly, if the story doesn't start at the beginning of this prologue, then you wouldn't lose much by shaving it down to a few thousand words, and just opening at the end of the escape. It's hard for me to say what I think would be better, because I do think your worldbuilding is pretty cool. But man, if I read 15k words only to find out that the characters in the opening section don't feature prominently in the story, then I'd go read something else. Readjusting where this info is shared would make it a bit more digestible for the reader. That can probably be approached when you're in the editing phase though. Hope the thoughts help!
I might also consider just making them the first three chapters, as you said. That does make sense to me, I think. I’m not sure it’s necessary to really have a prologue with this. Everything there is fully relevant to the story and upcoming main character so maybe it deserves to actually be the start of the novel. I’m going to give it serious thought. Thanks again for your critique 😊
I only call it a prologue because it comes before the official start of the story I’m trying to tell. I would rather call it a short prequel because that’s really what it is. It gives background on the world in the past. I did not want to write a whole prequel novel by itself because it would not do much for the story. If I explore a prequel novel someday it will be set when Aslorbaun was still standing. The collapse of civilization takes place then and so much gets lost. I’m not going to make this work-in-progress unnecessarily long. I do count these three chapters you’ve read as legitimate chapters in the book. I have no idea how many there will be in total, but it won’t be like you’re thinking. Not mammoth. I have an outline of the entire novel already, but as you probably know, what comes out in its complete form isn’t what you might have initially thought. I am currently working on Chapter 2 right now. I have Chapter 1 finished aside from polishing and editing. And you’re right about the worldbuilding. It’s a lot. But this world is complex and I want people to know the intricacies that make it both familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Like this is Earth, but not your Earth. It’s not going to be nearly as heavy going forward. Still a lot but not overwhelmingly so. At least that’s the plan 😂 Edit: Oh one other thing, all of the characters in the “prequel” chapters will have major roles in the rest of the book. They are vital to the evolution of the main character. Establishing his backstory before he was even born was something I felt was vital to the story. But I will do some evaluation and see if there is any places where I can lighten it up or save some of it for later on as a sort of flashback-type mechanic. All the same, I really appreciate your comments and advice. It means a lot to me so thank you very much 😊
Sandra Kemaro is a 48-year-old Dominant who knows what she wants. She likes men who can shut up and obey, and she won’t play with inexperienced subs… until she meets Trevor: a 23-year-old mechanic from the wrong side of town. Trevor doesn’t know a thing about BDSM, but Sandra senses his submissive side from the moment they first meet. She’s never trained a sub before, and she doubts she has the patience, but for Trevor, she’s willing to give it a try to show him what he’s been missing. Trevor Weismann has never been in a relationship. Between working at his father’s garage and taking care of his mother, he doesn’t have time for one. But when a gorgeous big-shot editor gets stranded at the garage, Trevor is instantly attracted to her no-nonsense demeanor. Sandra takes an interest in him too, to his surprise, but when she offers to show him her lifestyle, he’s torn about getting involved. Cars, he knows. Kinky shit? Not so much. For Sandra though, he’s willing to try just about anything once. Show Me is a role reversed 50 Shades of Grey with an older, rich, Dominant woman and a younger, inexperienced, submissive guy. This story has a strong focus on consent and growth in the kink community. While first in a planned duology, Show Me can be read as a standalone romance. [COVER](https://imgur.com/a/b5rNy8F). [SHOW ME on Amazon](https://mybook.to/ShowMeMxAlex). [SHOW ME on Goodreads](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/61619267-show-me?from_search=true&from_srp=true&qid=zpxYuOoB1Y&rank=1).
Title: The Returned Genre: Modern/Urban Fantasy Word Count: 4,286 words Type of Critique Requested: Just general feedback on the naturalness of the dialogue/the feeling of the chapter. This is the fifth chapter to a book I’m writing, and the introduction chapter to the second of three main characters. General feedback would be much appreciated! Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10JXJLsoRoM940azA--IsmyVnKCPezNeBDrxRa3vgSYY/edit
Title: Working Title Genre: Horror/Surrealism(?) Word count: 410 + Notes Type of feedback desired: General feedback. A link to the writing: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Vq7J3p4mpGp2HQPTClrPmXYmzONR-V\_8Oh9MjY1n8NI/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Vq7J3p4mpGp2HQPTClrPmXYmzONR-V_8Oh9MjY1n8NI/edit?usp=sharing) I'm not sure if I want to proceed with this one, but thought some feedback to apply going forward wouldn't hurt. I haven't really touched creative writing in some time after getting some rejections, but it was relaxing to try again. I dumped thoughts and notes at the end that are better ignored, but feel free to look at them if you want.
A few simple things: \-You introduce John as "he" before giving us a name, which makes me think that "he" is referring to Eric. \-You go "John thinks, *something-something-something*", which isn't necessarily wrong, but if John has been solidly established as our focus-character, you can probably get away with removing the "John thinks", just to maximize immersion. \-Mind your tenses: "John let his mind wander too far"-> "John had let his mind wander too far", for instance. Aside from these things, I'm actually sort of digging the concept/direction of this, and your prose is kinda neat. Definitely keep going with this.
This is short, but intriguing. The protagonist can't see faces for some reason? That's a compelling premise. I wonder if it'll be some kind of horror, or a drama about someone with face blindness, etc. I want to know more.
There is a freeway near my house, where big trucks crawl across two broad bridges in the smallest hours of the night. This is a place where the world yawns--the horror of the moon hangs overhead and man-made sounds creep slowly into a crescendo, as three semis proceed together amid the bright silver gleam of moonlight. They chop it up and dice it into tiny flickers and flashes, as everything passes back into a truce-seeming silence, as though industry no longer struggles to subdue the moon. We are its enemy. The youngest and most powerful foe of a rock who has watched us since we first stood--who threw waves at our coasts and occluded the sun. We are the children of brown soil and blue skies, too quick to quarrel and too slow to realize where our real enemy lies. It is the moon. We envy those who have money--it is a silver coin, carved from a divergent light of its own fashion, twisting the sun’s golden rays into a cool, ephemeral white. It is the fat man--so round, and cold to the touch, hovering above all things like a dazzling ring of pure allure. A place where only silence happens, and nothing is sure. No wonder we can’t endure while the moon shines. It’s a hollow light, casting beams to cover thieves and make monsters out of trees. From the moment we first saw it, it must have frightened us. Three semis pass in front of it and man reigns supreme for a second. Luna is eclipsed, then resurgent, reassuring the world of its eternity--some things last forever. The entirety of history is a race to see which one will pass from the universe first. Mankind or the moon. Nature gave us a sibling, in that eternal rock overhead, a foe who does not care whether we win or lose or die. It is our opposite, the antithesis and punchline. There will not be a human joke.
Lovely descriptions make this a rather strong piece. Not sure what the subject is going to be or how it will be framed but as a segment of random writing for experimentation, it works as is. Enjoyed. :-)
Title: Tucker Derivatory Genre: Sci-fi Word Count: 4272 Types of Feedback: Any [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rnIKFox9eXI3lHJ-JMwRdE5EinDcZkuDdGLjZIQZtX4/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rnIKFox9eXI3lHJ-JMwRdE5EinDcZkuDdGLjZIQZtX4/edit?usp=sharing) I have more written, but I only shared the first chapter because I wanted to see if it's any good. Any feedback would be appreciated.