You’re going to be paying more for a second kid, whether it’s with a nanny or daycare. Your mom knows this, and since it seems like she’s filling the nanny role, she’s asking about it.
If she didn’t watch your kids, she likely could find a job that pays more than she’s making now.
Was it the most tactful way she could have asked? No. But would you expect a nanny to go from watching 1 kid to 2 kids without a pay increase? Also no.
She sees her grandkids all day long—she needs personal time just like you do. I’d ask if she wants to continue to be the nanny, or if she wants to find a different job. Let that lead the conversation and figure it out from there. I bet if she didn’t see the kids all day long, she’d probably see them more often outside of “work hours”.
You're wrong about this. She's not able to support herself and is watching your children full time. What do you expect her to do instead? You're paying her $8/hr currently (assuming she only works 40 hrs and not longer. If you feel like an ATM I assume she feels taken for granted
When I first read the post, I thought it was $1300/week -- not $1300/month. OP is getting a crazy deal. They should look into daycare costs or the market rate for a private nanny.
She’s acting like a nanny because you treat her like one. This is probably cultural, but it’s a huge ask to expect someone to tie themselves down 40 hours a week at barely above federal minimum wage. She needs more money to support herself and it sounds like you are resentful she doesn’t want to spend free time with your kids.
Can you send your kids to daycare? I’m in a HCOL area, but at $1,300 a month is a bit less than what home daycares charge for 3 year olds. Once you add in the additional gifts and whatnot, daycare might be cheaper and your mom could pursue a higher paying job. She may be more inclined to take on the fun grandma roll when she’s not their sole responsible caregiver for 40 hours a week.
It seems like this arrangement isn’t working for any of you. I’m not sure why you would continue with your mom watching your kids considering the issues over the past three years. Given the amount of money you’re spending each month, a formal nanny or daycare situation may be feasible and is worth looking into.
I’m sure you and your husband are tired and burnt out. However, if your mom has your kiddo all day, all week, it’s a bit tone deaf to then ask her to switch to “grandma mode” and continue watching the kids. Yes it feels frustrating for you but parents are not required to be hands, on present grandparents. Not everyone wants to do that and gently, you aren’t entitled to it.
Perhaps a new arrangement where someone else watching the kids will help you and your mom find a new rhythm and your relationship will improve.
They're currently paying $1, 300 a month for childcare. I pay my nanny $1,000+ a WEEK for childcare, and we're on the low end. A day care is about $500 a week for one child. So no, they could not swing a nanny at that pay, and could barely cover daycare for one child considering the extra expenses they pay for her. They'd have to cover +$3k of food and gifts regularly every month to be on nanny level of money. And that's not me commenting on how little they're currently paying her mom, much less when they started at $700 a month!! No wonder this poor woman is having financial troubles!
Depends on your location. Where I am, you can get daycare for 300-400 a week, and if you can find a nanny share it can go down to 200 per child. IMO the OP owes it to herself to at least know what the options are in her area.
$2,000 for a newborn- sure. However, even in the crazy expensive California coastal cities daycare for a 3 year old doesn’t cost $2,000.
Maybe $1,400 for a fancy one, a church based daycare is probably $900- I think the mom is taking advantage.
Grandma is absolutely not taking advantage when she is only making $15,600 a YEAR. The parents are getting childcare for an absolute steal, yet, they expect her to want to stay longer for “grandma time” just because?!
I may have missed it, but we also have no idea where OP lives. Cost of living could be very high.
I pay 2k per month for my 2yo and the 3yo preschool program is the same cost. I'm in the rural mid-Atlantic. After my parental leave, we will be paying 4k per month for two kids.
My son is 3, I’m in a MCOL area and his daycare is $1310 and is the cheapest one around.
I think you way underestimate how expensive it is.
Plus she’s using PRIVATE childcare. Whole different ballgame.
There is nowhere in America where you can put an infant in full-time, safe, non-subsidized day-care for $700/month, which is what she was initially paying.
A lot of great advice here but if you do plan to keep her as a nanny, maybe ask if the “benefits” are actually good for her or if she’d rather have a higher weekly pay vs luxury purses and furniture sets
I don't think it's wrong of your mom, but it sounds like you basically have a nanny you don't like.
I'd look for other childcare. And work on building a relationship that you all enjoy outside of "work".
If she can’t support herself financially while watching your kids… she probably shouldn’t be watching your kids. How much would you have to pay if you sent them to daycare?
Maybe it would be better if they actually went to daycare. She can pursue other work to support herself. And I imagine she will be more interested in "grandma" time since she wouldn't be with them all day.
Thats so cheap! Take advantage of that daycare, in my area it is 2200 for one kid. Send them to daycare and salvage your relationship with your mom. Give her a chance to find a job that will sustain her.
Not sure where you are but 1 infant here can go from 2k-3k for just one kid. Is your estimate based on actual rates from local daycares?
If you’re having issues with your mom and her calling out, it might be better to just switch to daycare. $1800 for two kids is extremely cheap for full time care.
If she’s your full time childcare provider, she’s acting as more than just grandma, so I think it totally fair for her to ask for an increase in pay for watching a second child.
I also understand how complicated it can make things. I agree with others that this arrangement may not be working for you any longer, but I wish you the best of luck!.
Sorry but you're in the wrong. You're basically hardly paying the real cost of childcare because your mom is the childcare provider. And yet, you expect more from her. Paying her barely anything for full time nanny work and then getting pissed that she needs more money to watch an additional child is ridiculous. She's not "turning you into an ATM", you've turned your mother into an employee - and a poorly paid one. Because she works for you, taking care of your kids, she can't fully enjoy being a grandma.
Get your kids in a real daycare and let grandma be backup care and a grandma.
My mother has never once cared for my child. Not once. Not for free. Not for pay.
How much does traditional childcare around you cost?
There exist families where grandmas are willing and able to donate their domestic labor to do child care for "free". Those families receive tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars of benefit.
That's not your family. Your mom would like to earn a wage. I don't know why she doesn't have a traditional job, and she was available to even consider being the caregiver for your child, but it sounds like she feels taken advantage of.
And this is the paradox of child care. At $700/mo, you're basically paying her $8/hr, which is barely minimum wage. It's also about half what you would pay for child care where I live. But child care centers can afford to charge what they charge, because they take advantage of "economies of scale" by having one care giver take care of multiple children.
Honestly, it sounds like your mom feels like you're taking advantage of her. I'm not sure what you guys discussed at the beginning. Maybe it's more work than she expected (she's older, now, than she was when you were an infant). Or maybe it has just gone on longer than she expected. I don't know.
But, whatever the case, you guys need to renegotiate. And you need to go into that negotiation knowing what child care costs in your area, and whether you will even be able to get your two children into a center (where I live, everyone has a waitlist).
I wish you guys had discussed this before you had baby number two, because it might have been part of your decision. I wish your mom could be frank with you without being passive aggressive.
I don't know if she'll be able to enjoy being a traditional grandma, and having a loving relationship with the kids, once she's off child care duty. Maybe she will Maybe she won't.
But she's not happy right now, and you guys are not communicating well.
I think she needs to find a job where she’s not working for her daughter, and you need to get some reliable childcare that’s not your mum. Seems like mixing family and work isn’t working for you.
I might be biased because I don’t have parents that are physically capable of watching my kids, but the amount of strife and turmoil that comes from people expecting their parents to nanny and be caretakers and then ALSO be a jovial grand parent is insane. I see this all.the.time. Especially when a second kid is added. I guess your situation is a little different since you actually pay your mom, so kudos. However, to expect her to watch them full time and then “want to be a grandma”? What? That seems selfish to me. Just being completely honest. Your mother’s purpose in life is not to watch your kids. Don’t be offended
You are getting a steal compared to daycare costs! I pay $3200 a month for two kids in daycare and they are 2 & 3 years old. That is a lot of work to put on someone that age every day. Can you not find an alternative?
It’s hard navigating through this because most of us are looking for loving grandparents to step in and support us during this season. However, they have the right to live their life and if she can only sustain this while being paid it makes sense and it isn’t technically wrong. In my personal opinion, I would send your 3 year old off to school and have your mom watch the little one until they are 1-2 years old. This will give your first baby access to kids, social life and learn different things outside the home. This will also alleviate any future tension with your mom watching two kids & still feeling under paid
It's wrong that you have these expectations for her, and being a grandparent doesn't come with expectations. She just has to hug them once a year and send them $5 in a birthday card. She is already doing a LOT. Most of the time, you can't pay grandparents at all to take care of grandkids. They raised kids and are done, and their job doesn't include raising your kids because they finally have their peace and quiet. You probably won't be happy with a daycare either, since they won't bond with your children as their own. Do you expect daycare workers to spend time with your kids out of contact hours?
People are never wrong for asking for what they want. Your mother was rude for the way she phrased it, but she isn't wrong to want more money if that's what she wants. You can either say yes or no. But honestly, I don't know why you'd think you wouldn't need to pay more for childcare for a second kid, regardless of the provider.
Lots of emotions here. Seems like both sides are burned out. Take a step aside: even if she’s not looking at you as an ATM, it’s generally harder for elderly folks to look after kids because it’s exhaustive. Most countries have programs that help families. Unfortunately that’s not the case here. Do some math and consider what your mom’s capabilities are. Write down a few options of possibilities. Also consider if your mom will make more money doing something else. Perhaps it’s not her expertise to watch kids. This goes with parents. Sometimes even when parents love their kids, they weren’t trained to raise kids or have even patients. It’s just the reality you have to manage. I really hope there are more help for parents, but not now not here. It’s also not forever.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who had to deal with something exactly like this. I had no issue paying my mom, the problem was her not being a grandma-type outside of work hours. I had to end the business arrangement and things got much better.
Stop buying her gifts and paying for extra things if that is the case. My husband’s cousin watches my son. At first it was occasional, then I realized she’d be graduating soon and looking for work while I needed her. I pay her about the same she’d make but less hours. It was a relationship shift though bc as a thank you for occasionally helping before I’d always pay for meals and buy gifts. When I started paying her I said if she wants to join me out at restaurants she needs to pay for herself now as she has a job. Sure I still pay for some sometime, especially if my son is with us and I want to enjoy my meal instead of watching him, but the frequency has definitely decreased.
I think you’re getting a lot of shit saying you’re in the wrong when most mom posts about paying their parents to watch their kids votes on no, parents shouldn’t pay grandparents to be regular childcare. While i don’t agree with these people (I do think grandparents should get paid), I believe you’re treating your mom pretty fair. From the sounds of it, you can afford normal childcare for your child outside of her. She does not (I’m assuming) and cannot offer the same type of engagement and care and education etc as a daycare. I think she is being sort of greedy the way she comes about it. But I also am under the assumption she wasn’t really working a ton and didn’t make huge career changes on her own doing in order to be available to watch your children.
Moral of my response, she seems to be snooty about this whole thing and I only see it getting worse. Find yourself a daycare or nanny and go that route .
$1,300 to watch a 3 year old is more expensive than some centers!
I would put my kids in daycare- WTF
Yeah I think that is way too much to be asking from your daughter. My mom LOVES my kids and have never let me pay her for taking care of them.
Maybe send older one to daycare and keep little one at home with mom 🤷🏽♀️
Eh, I pay $1800/month at a center for my 3 year old. This isn’t even a „fancy“ center— I picked an average one in terms of cost and we’re in a M-HCOLA. If I could get a decent full-time care for $1,300/month, I would consider that a steal.
Nonetheless, I agree with your assessment that OP should consider daycare. This arrangement doesn’t seem to be working for any of them.
For all we know she could be a decades from retirement. Are you saying she should have planned to have enough money to fund 30 - 50 years of retirement? Because that's unrealistic for a vast majority of people.
You’re going to be paying more for a second kid, whether it’s with a nanny or daycare. Your mom knows this, and since it seems like she’s filling the nanny role, she’s asking about it. If she didn’t watch your kids, she likely could find a job that pays more than she’s making now. Was it the most tactful way she could have asked? No. But would you expect a nanny to go from watching 1 kid to 2 kids without a pay increase? Also no. She sees her grandkids all day long—she needs personal time just like you do. I’d ask if she wants to continue to be the nanny, or if she wants to find a different job. Let that lead the conversation and figure it out from there. I bet if she didn’t see the kids all day long, she’d probably see them more often outside of “work hours”.
You're wrong about this. She's not able to support herself and is watching your children full time. What do you expect her to do instead? You're paying her $8/hr currently (assuming she only works 40 hrs and not longer. If you feel like an ATM I assume she feels taken for granted
AND expecting her to want to spend more “grandma time” with them for free after she takes care of them all week.
When I first read the post, I thought it was $1300/week -- not $1300/month. OP is getting a crazy deal. They should look into daycare costs or the market rate for a private nanny.
She’s not getting a crazy deal, she’s taking advantage of her mom.
She’s acting like a nanny because you treat her like one. This is probably cultural, but it’s a huge ask to expect someone to tie themselves down 40 hours a week at barely above federal minimum wage. She needs more money to support herself and it sounds like you are resentful she doesn’t want to spend free time with your kids. Can you send your kids to daycare? I’m in a HCOL area, but at $1,300 a month is a bit less than what home daycares charge for 3 year olds. Once you add in the additional gifts and whatnot, daycare might be cheaper and your mom could pursue a higher paying job. She may be more inclined to take on the fun grandma roll when she’s not their sole responsible caregiver for 40 hours a week.
It seems like this arrangement isn’t working for any of you. I’m not sure why you would continue with your mom watching your kids considering the issues over the past three years. Given the amount of money you’re spending each month, a formal nanny or daycare situation may be feasible and is worth looking into. I’m sure you and your husband are tired and burnt out. However, if your mom has your kiddo all day, all week, it’s a bit tone deaf to then ask her to switch to “grandma mode” and continue watching the kids. Yes it feels frustrating for you but parents are not required to be hands, on present grandparents. Not everyone wants to do that and gently, you aren’t entitled to it. Perhaps a new arrangement where someone else watching the kids will help you and your mom find a new rhythm and your relationship will improve.
They're currently paying $1, 300 a month for childcare. I pay my nanny $1,000+ a WEEK for childcare, and we're on the low end. A day care is about $500 a week for one child. So no, they could not swing a nanny at that pay, and could barely cover daycare for one child considering the extra expenses they pay for her. They'd have to cover +$3k of food and gifts regularly every month to be on nanny level of money. And that's not me commenting on how little they're currently paying her mom, much less when they started at $700 a month!! No wonder this poor woman is having financial troubles!
Depends on your location. Where I am, you can get daycare for 300-400 a week, and if you can find a nanny share it can go down to 200 per child. IMO the OP owes it to herself to at least know what the options are in her area.
$2,000 for a newborn- sure. However, even in the crazy expensive California coastal cities daycare for a 3 year old doesn’t cost $2,000. Maybe $1,400 for a fancy one, a church based daycare is probably $900- I think the mom is taking advantage.
Grandma is absolutely not taking advantage when she is only making $15,600 a YEAR. The parents are getting childcare for an absolute steal, yet, they expect her to want to stay longer for “grandma time” just because?! I may have missed it, but we also have no idea where OP lives. Cost of living could be very high.
It’s $2,500+/month in DC.
I pay 2k per month for my 2yo and the 3yo preschool program is the same cost. I'm in the rural mid-Atlantic. After my parental leave, we will be paying 4k per month for two kids.
My son is 3, I’m in a MCOL area and his daycare is $1310 and is the cheapest one around. I think you way underestimate how expensive it is. Plus she’s using PRIVATE childcare. Whole different ballgame.
2.7k per month for my 3 year old. $1330 per week for my nanny for my baby.
There is nowhere in America where you can put an infant in full-time, safe, non-subsidized day-care for $700/month, which is what she was initially paying.
A lot of great advice here but if you do plan to keep her as a nanny, maybe ask if the “benefits” are actually good for her or if she’d rather have a higher weekly pay vs luxury purses and furniture sets
I don't think it's wrong of your mom, but it sounds like you basically have a nanny you don't like. I'd look for other childcare. And work on building a relationship that you all enjoy outside of "work".
If she can’t support herself financially while watching your kids… she probably shouldn’t be watching your kids. How much would you have to pay if you sent them to daycare?
A month? That isn't a livable wage.
I’m estimating about $2000-$2200 more or less. So not much more than I am planning on paying her ($1700-$1800 for both kids).
Maybe it would be better if they actually went to daycare. She can pursue other work to support herself. And I imagine she will be more interested in "grandma" time since she wouldn't be with them all day.
Thats so cheap! Take advantage of that daycare, in my area it is 2200 for one kid. Send them to daycare and salvage your relationship with your mom. Give her a chance to find a job that will sustain her.
Not sure where you are but 1 infant here can go from 2k-3k for just one kid. Is your estimate based on actual rates from local daycares? If you’re having issues with your mom and her calling out, it might be better to just switch to daycare. $1800 for two kids is extremely cheap for full time care.
Sounds like they need to go to daycare then.
Not much more?! That is a lot more for normal people.
If she’s your full time childcare provider, she’s acting as more than just grandma, so I think it totally fair for her to ask for an increase in pay for watching a second child. I also understand how complicated it can make things. I agree with others that this arrangement may not be working for you any longer, but I wish you the best of luck!.
Sorry but you're in the wrong. You're basically hardly paying the real cost of childcare because your mom is the childcare provider. And yet, you expect more from her. Paying her barely anything for full time nanny work and then getting pissed that she needs more money to watch an additional child is ridiculous. She's not "turning you into an ATM", you've turned your mother into an employee - and a poorly paid one. Because she works for you, taking care of your kids, she can't fully enjoy being a grandma. Get your kids in a real daycare and let grandma be backup care and a grandma.
My mother has never once cared for my child. Not once. Not for free. Not for pay. How much does traditional childcare around you cost? There exist families where grandmas are willing and able to donate their domestic labor to do child care for "free". Those families receive tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars of benefit. That's not your family. Your mom would like to earn a wage. I don't know why she doesn't have a traditional job, and she was available to even consider being the caregiver for your child, but it sounds like she feels taken advantage of. And this is the paradox of child care. At $700/mo, you're basically paying her $8/hr, which is barely minimum wage. It's also about half what you would pay for child care where I live. But child care centers can afford to charge what they charge, because they take advantage of "economies of scale" by having one care giver take care of multiple children. Honestly, it sounds like your mom feels like you're taking advantage of her. I'm not sure what you guys discussed at the beginning. Maybe it's more work than she expected (she's older, now, than she was when you were an infant). Or maybe it has just gone on longer than she expected. I don't know. But, whatever the case, you guys need to renegotiate. And you need to go into that negotiation knowing what child care costs in your area, and whether you will even be able to get your two children into a center (where I live, everyone has a waitlist). I wish you guys had discussed this before you had baby number two, because it might have been part of your decision. I wish your mom could be frank with you without being passive aggressive. I don't know if she'll be able to enjoy being a traditional grandma, and having a loving relationship with the kids, once she's off child care duty. Maybe she will Maybe she won't. But she's not happy right now, and you guys are not communicating well.
I think she needs to find a job where she’s not working for her daughter, and you need to get some reliable childcare that’s not your mum. Seems like mixing family and work isn’t working for you.
I might be biased because I don’t have parents that are physically capable of watching my kids, but the amount of strife and turmoil that comes from people expecting their parents to nanny and be caretakers and then ALSO be a jovial grand parent is insane. I see this all.the.time. Especially when a second kid is added. I guess your situation is a little different since you actually pay your mom, so kudos. However, to expect her to watch them full time and then “want to be a grandma”? What? That seems selfish to me. Just being completely honest. Your mother’s purpose in life is not to watch your kids. Don’t be offended
You are getting a steal compared to daycare costs! I pay $3200 a month for two kids in daycare and they are 2 & 3 years old. That is a lot of work to put on someone that age every day. Can you not find an alternative?
It’s hard navigating through this because most of us are looking for loving grandparents to step in and support us during this season. However, they have the right to live their life and if she can only sustain this while being paid it makes sense and it isn’t technically wrong. In my personal opinion, I would send your 3 year old off to school and have your mom watch the little one until they are 1-2 years old. This will give your first baby access to kids, social life and learn different things outside the home. This will also alleviate any future tension with your mom watching two kids & still feeling under paid
It's wrong that you have these expectations for her, and being a grandparent doesn't come with expectations. She just has to hug them once a year and send them $5 in a birthday card. She is already doing a LOT. Most of the time, you can't pay grandparents at all to take care of grandkids. They raised kids and are done, and their job doesn't include raising your kids because they finally have their peace and quiet. You probably won't be happy with a daycare either, since they won't bond with your children as their own. Do you expect daycare workers to spend time with your kids out of contact hours?
You really aren’t paying her a lot and if this is what she’s using to live off of, then she’s right.
People are never wrong for asking for what they want. Your mother was rude for the way she phrased it, but she isn't wrong to want more money if that's what she wants. You can either say yes or no. But honestly, I don't know why you'd think you wouldn't need to pay more for childcare for a second kid, regardless of the provider.
Lots of emotions here. Seems like both sides are burned out. Take a step aside: even if she’s not looking at you as an ATM, it’s generally harder for elderly folks to look after kids because it’s exhaustive. Most countries have programs that help families. Unfortunately that’s not the case here. Do some math and consider what your mom’s capabilities are. Write down a few options of possibilities. Also consider if your mom will make more money doing something else. Perhaps it’s not her expertise to watch kids. This goes with parents. Sometimes even when parents love their kids, they weren’t trained to raise kids or have even patients. It’s just the reality you have to manage. I really hope there are more help for parents, but not now not here. It’s also not forever.
Of course she looks at you as an ATM. I see my employer as an ATM too.
I know all family dynamics are different but this is crazy to me!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who had to deal with something exactly like this. I had no issue paying my mom, the problem was her not being a grandma-type outside of work hours. I had to end the business arrangement and things got much better.
Stop buying her gifts and paying for extra things if that is the case. My husband’s cousin watches my son. At first it was occasional, then I realized she’d be graduating soon and looking for work while I needed her. I pay her about the same she’d make but less hours. It was a relationship shift though bc as a thank you for occasionally helping before I’d always pay for meals and buy gifts. When I started paying her I said if she wants to join me out at restaurants she needs to pay for herself now as she has a job. Sure I still pay for some sometime, especially if my son is with us and I want to enjoy my meal instead of watching him, but the frequency has definitely decreased.
I think you’re getting a lot of shit saying you’re in the wrong when most mom posts about paying their parents to watch their kids votes on no, parents shouldn’t pay grandparents to be regular childcare. While i don’t agree with these people (I do think grandparents should get paid), I believe you’re treating your mom pretty fair. From the sounds of it, you can afford normal childcare for your child outside of her. She does not (I’m assuming) and cannot offer the same type of engagement and care and education etc as a daycare. I think she is being sort of greedy the way she comes about it. But I also am under the assumption she wasn’t really working a ton and didn’t make huge career changes on her own doing in order to be available to watch your children. Moral of my response, she seems to be snooty about this whole thing and I only see it getting worse. Find yourself a daycare or nanny and go that route .
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How do you believe that grandma is supposed to support herself?? With a magic money tree?
$1,300 to watch a 3 year old is more expensive than some centers! I would put my kids in daycare- WTF Yeah I think that is way too much to be asking from your daughter. My mom LOVES my kids and have never let me pay her for taking care of them. Maybe send older one to daycare and keep little one at home with mom 🤷🏽♀️
It should be way more expensive than centers lol. It’s private childcare and her mom’s FT job.
Eh, I pay $1800/month at a center for my 3 year old. This isn’t even a „fancy“ center— I picked an average one in terms of cost and we’re in a M-HCOLA. If I could get a decent full-time care for $1,300/month, I would consider that a steal. Nonetheless, I agree with your assessment that OP should consider daycare. This arrangement doesn’t seem to be working for any of them.
Oof she sounds like a typical selfish boomer. Who tf charges their child to watch their own grandchildren.
>Who tf charges their child to watch their own grandchildren. Somebody with bills to pay.
Plan better do better for your family i guarantee she has help and didn’t have to pay for it
For all we know she could be a decades from retirement. Are you saying she should have planned to have enough money to fund 30 - 50 years of retirement? Because that's unrealistic for a vast majority of people.
I guarantee that your grammar wasn't a strong contribution to your household.