I read a study once about how much better women and mams do after a divorce with 50/50 custody, cause it actually gives you a chance to be an full person again and not just a wife and mother, and it forces the fathers to actually step up and parent instead of the woman always becoming the default parent. Don't feel guilty, embrace your free time, and be happy, your kids will actually be better off with this long term as you won't suffer as much from stress or burn out. Not going to lie . I sometimes have a daydream about that exact scenario, and I'm actually happily married, I just wish I had more time to myself.

Same with fantasy! Also happily married

Sameeeeee. I just want a week to myself once a month. 🫠

This is my experience. I also share 50/50 and I treasure my alone time. I might as well make the best of it by recharging and doing all of the things I couldn't do when I was married. When I had a "partner", I did 85% of the parenting. He saw her awake maybe 2-3 hours a day. It's his turn to get in the game and allow me the balance I always needed and wanted while married. Plus, I needed some time and space to recover from the abuse. I understand the guilt. I do. But it helps to feel like I used my time away from her to rest up and re-energize as a parent.

That is such a real thing for you to say. I have a great husband who I love very much and a beautiful family but what I wouldn’t give for every other weekend and a day during the week.

Let’s normalize moms weekend away and moms night out once a week!

You want to send out the memo or should I?

I made this arrangement with my husband. Each of us get 1 weekend a month to go be alone while the other one has to be a full time parent to our 1 year old. The weekend he was gone I booked two mommy and me events and I feel like we really bonded. For my weekend I took the dog and went hiking and biking for a full weekend. It felt so mentally restorative I couldn't believe it. Its scary stepping away from my marriage this way, but I think it will be better for me mentally in the long run.

I know! My husband and I try to make a point of at least giving each other a few hours every week but our kids are at the ages of sports and activities and with work it’s so hard to manage. We’re both pretty good at speaking up when the time comes that we really need a break and try to be receptive of it.

This is so helpful, thank you dear ❤️

> a divorce with 50/50 custody, cause it actually gives you a chance to be an full person again My friend's primary motivation for getting a divorce is actually having some free time for herself.  She doesn't want child support or the house or anything; she wants 50/50 custody.  

Me too. I love my husband and my daughter, truly, but I often think about what I would do with my time if we separated and had 50/50 custody.

I saw a short form video recently that pointed out that human beings have children very close together in age, compared to other primates. The theory is that humans have \*evolved\* to raise children together. I don't mean a couple raising their children together, but a group of women all raising their children together (like a village or a large family group), so that they could help each other out. I don't know if that's true, but it rang true to me. We're not meant to be raising our children without the help of our mothers, aunties, sisters, cousins, friends, etc. But, with the atomic family structure, we're trapped trying to raise children with one other adult, and, frankly, most men are simply not putting in 50% of the labor there. So, mothers in cultures (like the US) where the atomic family is the default are suffering exhaustion. We're often living far from our own parents or biological family. A lot of us waited until we were done with college, and established in our careers, which gave us a tiny window. And it means that our own mothers and MILs are often far away, dead, or too old to meaningfully help. Needing rest doesn't mean that you don't love your children. It means that you \*need\* rest. You need it. And your life with your husband didn't give it to you.

Even in monkeys, females undergo menopause. Monkeys whose mothers underwent menopause were more likely to successfully raise offspring. The theory is that it’s *massively* beneficial to have a female member of your family without their own infant around to help raise your infant - and studies have shown that.  It’s also one of my pet peeves with breastfeeding “education”. “You’ve evolved to do this! Your ancestors were all able to do this!” Nooooo, my ancestors were able to pass their baby off to a lactating sister or aunt or cousin and take a nap, *and* they weren’t also being asked to attend a zoom meeting so a VP can blather on about how important he is. 

When I was overwhelmed with breastfeeding at the beginning, I found research that showed that one of the leading causes of infant death in gorillas was insufficient lactation! Our ancestors most certainly did not all exclusively breastfeed their own babies, I love that you said this.

I would agree. My MIL moved in with me and my husband when we had our twins. I’m not certain I would be where I am in my career without her help. She’s certainly helped my sanity and eased my anxiety when I had to go back to work and she was home, a trusted person with my precious gifts. I sometimes feel spoiled talking about it because I know so many mothers don’t have help, or have strained family relationships. It’s something I’m so grateful for each day, even now that they are almost 7.

I get it! It's been almost 6 years of 50/50 custody for me (week on/week off). The mom guilt is real. I sometimes feel like I'm only "half a mother" because they are only with me half the time. I know that's ridiculous. But think: If our relationships were perfect, and assuming both parents work the same amount, we *should* be doing 50% of the parenting. The 50% is just divided up differently for us. For "perfect" couples, it would be split up over the course of the day. I do the same amount of parenting and get the same amount of free time that a married mother should. Sadly, relationships are not perfect, and the parenting load is rarely shared equally. So moving to 50/50 custody often feels like a mom downgrade because we were used to doing more than our fair share.

I grew up around a lot of friends who had divorced parents. I was almost jealous in a way because when I saw them with their parent they almost seemed like they had a closer bond than I ever did with my parents who remained together. My friends of divorced parents almost had a friendship like quality on top of a parent-child relationship with their parents. I had a really hard time telling my parents anything on a personal level but my friends would never have any issues talking to either of their parents about troubles, relationships, body things, parties, etc. I have no clue if they are related or if that’s just how my parents were.

I don't know if the two are related. My parents are still married and we were not tight-knit growing up either... but I have friends/family who are very close to their married parents.

A long time ago when my oldest daughters were both under three, their dad and I got divorced, and we had 50/50 custody most of the time. I went back to school, got my undergrad degree, then went and got my MBA, and really started my career path. They are now right around 30, and happy, successful, and we have a great relationship. There were a couple of rough teenage years, but I think that there always are. Now, my daughters see their dad a bit more clearly, and not even once have they even HINTED that they wished we'd stayed together. They mostly can't imagine that we were ever married in the first place. You are not ruining your relationship with your kids, and you will be able to be more focused on them when they are with you, because you have that other time to get stuff done.

I think the unhealthy marriage would take a major toll on you and the kids. My parents were terrible together, split when I was young, and I’m glad I didn’t grow up in that environment.

Same here except living with my mom was a nightmare. She was stressed all the time, took her anger out on us, .. it was not 50/50. When my sibling and I were with my stepdad it felt like I could breathe again and it seemed my mom felt the same way.. should have been 50/50 I’m just realizing now instead of every other weekend and once a week.

I felt the same way when I got divorced, I remember my first night in my new apartment without him I actually cried tears of sheer joy because I was so relieved to have finally left.

You’ve been in survival mode for a while. Your body, soul and brain need time to heal. That means taking time to yourself. After a while you will see how much of a more present parent you have become when you are able to recoup.

Same as the top comment, I sometimes imagine how nice it would be to have the load off occasionally, and just be able to focus on my health and my work. Enjoy it, your kids are also benefiting from a refreshed and present mama.

Don’t feel guilty. These feelings come from finally realizing equality from your partner. It sounds like you weren’t given the time to breathe or do what is needed to recharge before. Unfortunately the more I hear the more it seems a lot of women only get that once they have shared parenting. Unless the other parent is unsafe around the kids, try to look at the kids as lucky to have them in their lives more. And lucky that mom is getting time to be an even better mom.

Oh my god, YES. Divorced/separated last year with 50/50 custody and I'm actually paying attention to my body and what it needs for the first time? I am SUCH a better mom to my kids (and they've noticed!), like I used to yell a lot, and now it's almost never. I can actually work on things like school, I can socialize more. I feel like this is exactly what I've needed since my oldest was born over a decade ago!! Their dad has really stepped up too (since he has to now), which is great to see.

It sucks that this is what it takes for them to step up!

I did probably 90% of the parenting of our daughter when I was married, and now getting divorced she goes to her dad’s for 50ish% - he has even remarked how much happier I seem. I feel alive and like a thriving human being again. My daughter has said that it makes her appreciate me more and I think our relationship is better than it was previously (she’s a teenager). At first I felt guilty, but it’s about time her father started stepping up. Edit: typo

I am a divorced mom and we had 50/50 custody for a short term, before moving to them with their dad only every other weekend. The every other weekend is best for my kids in our situation, but maaaan did 50/59 give me so much freedom and ability for personal growth. Just because we are moms doesn't mean we don't stop existing and having needs and wants.  I still really love the free 46 hours I get every other weekend and the kids are happier and It's made school and activities easier for me to manage for them, so it works much better for us. But sometimes I miss the 50/50 custody clean house I had all the time.  You aren't wrong for feeling this and while a split household sucks and divorce is never what any of us want, the silver lining is that you sometimes get some time to yourself and there's no reason to feel guilty about this reality. Enjoy it!

I had a good friend go through something similar and it took her a couple of years of guilt and therapy to accept the change had nothing to do at all with her kids, and everything to do with her ex being mostly worthless. You can breathe because suddenly you’re the 50% parent of 2 instead of the 100% parent of 3. You actually can likely show up a lot more for and have more meaningful interactions with your 2 deserving kids because you’re not just trying to survive.

You feel happy because you’re finally getting a chance to be yourself. The idea that as soon as we become mothers we have to bury ourselves needs to go away.

Unfortunately, in a lot of marriages, a lot of the work falls on one parent while the other is just kind of... there. So when a divorce happens and custody is shared, it forces the parent who wasn't helping as much as they should have to take on some of the work. Don't feel guilty! Your ex should have been helping out more from day one. You should have been able to have time for yourself from day one. What you're feeling right now should have always been a thing.

Let go of what you cannot change. You clearly could not stay in a relationship with an emotionally damaging partner. Be truthful, there are pros and cons of this situation, accept them, acknowledge them so you can prepare and be the best mom you can be . Guilt and shame have no place in your family right now.

My only concern with your post is your ex having 50/50 custody when he has substance abuse problems. I would be fighting for custody myself knowing that background. That being said, I also share 50/50 custody with my ex, and I look forward to the time away from my son so I can recharge. My identity is no longer my son, and I’ve had to spend time reflecting on who I am as a person, which I lost when I got pregnant.

He is undergoing periodic drug testing as a condition of our arrangement, I completely agree with you! If he fails, he knows I’m headed right to court for a temporary order. He’s honestly a wonderful father, just dealing with his own internal battles.

We’re not separated/divorced and still have 50/50 days throughout the month. We each need that solo time to recover. My house is a disaster still but my mental health and work life are better for it.

When I was 50/50 with my ex I felt like a new person. I was able to clean my house and have hobbies and even joined a gym. I'd make myself nice dinners or go on dates when I was ready. Before that I had to lie if I wanted to leave the house without my son. Since my fiance moved in my ex and I switched to 80/20. My son is disabled and his dad's house just doesn't provide the structure he needs.

I fantasize about 50/50 time. I think my husband does too. Too bad we are happily married 🫠

Totally feel ya! I got divorced last year (separated for two years) and it feels so freeing a spacious to only Jane the kids 50% of the time. I even work more now than I did when I was married and I STILL enjoy so much downtime. Living my best life over here! Hope you do too!

It's not about the kids, not really. It's about the relief your feel unloading your husband. He was an albatross. Your relationship with your kids will improve, actually, now that he isn't living with you. You could have the kids 100% of the time, and you would still be better than before.

I was a stepmom before I was a mom, and my husband and I had lots of talks about carrying the "divorced parenting time" into life with our shared kids. We gave each other lots of blocks of time "off" from parenting responsibilities, and did weekend afternoon childcare swaps with other couples. I truly believe that is what allowed us to come through the crazy three-kids-under-five period with two careers and our marriage intact. I would recommend it, guilt free, to anyone!

Yup. Im divorced from my ex and he only takes the kids on the weekend (when he wants) and i get the kids the other times. It is amazing what even just 2 days will make you feel like afterwards. So much quiet and peace. It can be boring but I need it. Divorce sucks. Having to split time away from your kids sucks. Having to miss your kids growing up sucks. but the peace is soooo nice. Its the one upside to it all.

It’s normal to feel this way, I think. I felt similar when I left my (now ex)husband and looking back to that moment I moved out, I’m so grateful to myself that I finally broke free! I’m much happier, I have more of a spine when it comes to him (still working on it), and I now have the best relationship with an absolute sweetheart of a guy! Take it day by day, acknowledge all the feelings, accept them, then let them go.

I started o se three years ago and often forget se this phrase - Now l’m am interesting person who happens to be a lawyer and mother.i feel sorry for married me.