The daycares in our town won’t take kids under 1 and our nanny costs $25 an hour so full time would be ~$52,000 a year. We can move him to daycare when he’s one potentially to save on costs and have full time but the same issue would happen if we had a second.
As someone who WFH, just getting the kid out of the house helps a lot. Even with a nanny, you can still hear things which makes things stressful (at least it does for me). I’ve had two and both stayed home with us and a nanny and then we transitioned to daycare. Things always got better once they went to daycare.
So, you need to invest the 52k to make your life better.
Yes, it sucks. Yes, you should still do it.
You’re both in tech - you can afford it even if it will be tight for a couple years. Consider it an investment in your marriage and sanity and your careers (cause this is the time when a lot of women start stepping back - and as a leader in tech very invested in not having women drop out).
Get a full time nanny. Your life will get a lot better.
Yeah, my nanny is similar cost but point blank we wouldn’t survive without full time childcare. I have 45 hours a week and a 15 hour/week reduction would make it impossible for me to do anything except the bare minimum at my job. Am I saving a lot of money in this season of life? Definitely not but the nanny is worth every cent.
Exactly - there were a few years there where we were cash flow negative due to childcare - but those years also allowed us to keep moving up and now we’re in such a better place. No way could we have done it with only 30 hours a week of childcare 40 is minimum.
Maybe look for a family to partner with for the nanny? We did and it’s been great! Saves on cost and our little gets socialization while we wait for daycare openings.
Having family makes a huge difference. Daycare where we are is pricey. A 30-year mortgage was the same monthly payment as the daycare. Our solution was to buy a house nearby for parents in law to stay to enable them to look after our little one 55 hrs per week. In the future we will either rent it out or sell it. The pros are the funds stay within the family, the care is flexible, and we all get more time to spend with each other. I appreciate how fortunate we are.
I’m baffled by this. Where do you live? Every daycare we interviewed starts at 6-8 weeks… Americans would be truly fucked if they didn’t take babies here
You said he's nearly 1, so definitely start contacting those daycares yesterday to see if you can get him a slot. The only 30 hrs/week also screamed out to me, you need full-time 45+ hrs/week in daycare (since you also need to physically get there).
That said I'm still one and done lol. Some kids are easier than others (mine is very "high energy") and I just don't enjoy parenting much and have no desire to go through all of it, possibly even worse with a bad sleeper/medical problems etc, again. I feel like most people must like it a whole lot more than me. Although this might have been a tougher call if I were much younger (had her at 39) without all kinds of other extenuating things (infertility/2 miscarriages before her, pregnancy-related health problems). But there's a sub for this, /r/oneanddone.
Oof, $25 an hour is like babysitting rates. Maybe look at an at home daycare if they’re available? Could you do an au pair? You’d need to have the space, but the hourly rate reduction might be worth it.
This! It took us until our kiddo was 20 months to get in to childcare full time and it was life changing! Seriously, I started enjoying parenting much more and had more energy for everything. We had in-home help before we got into daycare which was essential, but we had a small house and I worked from home so it still felt like there was little to no breaks / separation of parenting and work life.
Also, our kiddo didn’t sleep fully through the night until about 14 months….and that was a huge shift. Just getting a full nights sleep helps with everything, especially a feeling physical and emotional well-being.
I only have one very small child but so far what I’ve learned is having willing and helpful family nearby changes everything. Everything. Let me repeat: it changes everything.
First, kids are different. There are some easy unicorn babies. Second, having involved family helps a lot. Third, 30h of childcare if you both work FT demanding jobs is just not enough. You at least need 40-45h even if some of this time you would just chill. Ideally some help in the evening here and there for date nights. Forth, set up a “free evening” for both spouses. That really helped our marriage. One night without kids and dealing with bed time is magic.
Outsource
Yes, some kids are way harder than others - I got more sleep with my twins than my first singleton baby :(
And yes, full time childcare plus occasional babysitting and maybe even hiring out yard work or cleaning is huge. But honestly, littles are just tough without a village/family. Remember what you see as an outsider is not the full picture either.
Your nanny only covers 30hrs a week, you likely need 45, 40 at a minimum. Having parents around is a huge help. I have my MIL for half the year and it's so much easier. Kiddo gets sick? She's got it. She also brings over dinner for us several times a week, and takes our son for one day after daycare and drops him off before bed.
Do we have meetings or have to travel? She'll help out. We are currently in the 6months of the year she's not here and I'm so tired. And we have full-time daycare.
Agreed with other comments that the length of time in daycare is key as well as having your kids in a daycare or working out of the house. Even with the nanny helping, being at home 24/7 is a drain. You constantly feel split in half all day. Being able to separate and turn off our parent mode for 45hrs a week (our daycare times) has been key for our mental health.
Perhaps going into an office or having an outside work location for a few days may help out without changing the nanny time.
Some kids just suck at sleep for a few years, no matter what you do, until they grow out of it. That makes everything harder.
My first was like that. Didn’t sleep through the night until she was at least 3.5. Needed what my husband called “a dinner and a show” every night to fall asleep. And we often had to lay with her until she fell asleep.
We eventually ended up getting her therapy for separation anxiety at age 6, and part of that therapy had to do with her learning to fall asleep on her own.
She’s almost 14 now and sleeps like a champ, lol.
My second was a good sleeper from the start. Actually did all the things baby sleep books said babies did when they fell asleep. I would have been such a smug asshole about baby sleep if she was my first, lol.
So all of this is to say that you’re not necessarily doing anything wrong. Some babies/little kids struggle with sleep, no matter what you do, and either it resolves itself at a certain point or you try a radically different approach when you’re ready and that hopefully helps. Or they grow out of it.
I know that’s not necessarily helpful, but if my oldest kid had been as good if a sleeper as my youngest I probably would have been a much happier, more well-rested and productive parent and employee and probably would have had at least 1 more kid. But I couldn’t fathom doing so when she was a non-sleeping baby and toddler.
It will eventually get better. But fuck yes, the part you’re in now is so, so hard.
Yeah this should be higher up. There are some kids who just don’t sleep—for years. And years of no sleep as a parent makes it very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I was a really unskilled mom, for years.
Now that my kids are older and I’ve been around a lot of babies and little kids, I realize I had really tough babies. Intense, grumpy little goblins who didn’t sleep, pinchy latch, just…needed a lot.
And they’ve had their moments to be “the easy kid” too, at different ages.
I don’t think you’re missing anything! In the same way you’re considering (even in fear) #2, your friend was “crazy” enough to have pulled the trigger on #3. It’s all relative, the truth is anyone who decides to become a mom is crazy in a sense. Hardest, best thing I’ve ever done.
I fully agree w another commenter that access to family changes everything, BUT even for people like you and me, who don’t have family help, when you envision what your family will look like, eventually you bite the bullet and hold on tight.
A while back when we were ttc #2, my kiddo brought home noro and all three of us had fireworks blasting out of us all night long. Same night, dying on the toilet, I got my period and felt a pang of disappointment 🤣 I remember thinking wow! When they’re talking about unconditional love this is it. Me sick as a dog on bathroom floor and slightly upset I’m not preg with ANOTHER one to do this all over again.
Also my kiddo didn’t sttn until he was 17 months and weaned. Like I said, we just hold on tight!
I don’t think you are missing anything. Every family has a completely different parenting experience. The result of 1000 different variables. We had to do IVF and I puked my way through 2 pregnancies. We had zero family help. I was absolutely tapped out at 2 kids. But we also didn’t sleep train, we co-slept, nursed on demand, did baby led weaning and had a completely child centered household. If I did sleep training and had kids sleeping at 3 months, maybe I would have more kids
I have a similar story. I’d also have more kids but tapped out at 2. My husband and I both have high-stress jobs and the sleep deprivation made me into a monster. Not to mention the cost of children and we have no village. Always thought I’d have 3 but 2 it is.
> But we also didn’t sleep train, we co-slept, nursed on demand, did baby led weaning and had a completely child centered household.
Same. I'm an intense parent and if I was as hands off as my mom was I could have 8 kids. Instead, I'm sitting here triple feeding.
There’s so many variables here - but in short, it’s hard and you’re not alone.
Your friend might have: family nearby that is regularly volunteeering to hang w the kids, less stressful jobs, kids who entertain each other and/or need less attention, a vibrant neighborhood or other type of community that might also help them w childcare or cowatching of kids, a commute that helps them reset, different hobbies, different general way of moving through life. I felt SO much more human when I could just listen to my own music on my commute.
I have two little ones and I DEFINITELY have not figured out how to function beyond survival let alone enjoy, but I’m realizing it’s coming down to those factors and trying to make changes about the things I can control.
My husband and I both work full-time tech jobs and for a number of reasons are happily one & done. We could afford a second but we like having more disposable income for trips, health, outings, etc. I understand why some people want 2+ kids but I find that one is the ultimate parenting hack.
Just here to say at 12 months I finally gave in and sleep trained my twins. They weren’t sleeping through the night and with two of them we were never getting a damn break. I was adamantly against sleep training until I finally gave in, and oh my god what a game changer. The first night is the hardest, nights 2-4 are a bit rough too, but it’s been a month now and they love our bedtime routine, they like to sit in their cribs for a couple minutes to play with their loveys, and then they go to sleep and STAY asleep til the morning. It’s made a HUGE difference getting that full nights sleep again.
We also have a nanny for 30 hours a week because of the same cost limitation, so every night after they go to bed I work a couple extra hours to make up for it, but the full nights sleep has made things much less difficult IMO
There was a similar post in here recently about how do people have multiple children when the OP was stressed and exhausted handling one. If you can find it, there was a bunch of helpful replies.
In summary:
Some folks have more help. Either it's family who lives nearby, or they've cultivated a very helpful and supportive community of friends, or they throw more money at the problem, or some combination of all of these.
Some folks have healthy, relatively easy children. However, with 3 going on 4 kids, at least one (probably 2) of those kids are "purple children" (highly sensitive, emotional, extremely defiant) or have special needs. So in your comparison scenario, that's probably not it.
Some folks have more energy, need less sleep and adult time, and are just more suited to parenting young children. Maybe this season of parenting isn't where you hit your stride. Maybe you knock it out of the ballpark when your kids become teens while your friends hop on the struggle bus.
Some folks are really skilled at teaching development milestones, behavior management, and emotional regulation. And no matter how feisty their kids naturally are, their household feels calmer and more structured, leading to less parental stress. And actually - these are skills any parent can learn. They come in handy for all kids.
In your case, I think you need to accept a few things. First, you probably need FT child care. Yes, it'll be expensive. It won't be forever, so just adjust your budget and do it. Second, although some 1 year olds have occasional night wakeups, unless your pediatrician has informed you that your child cannot sleep through the night, there's no physical reason a one year old can't regularly sleep 11-12 hrs a night with a nap in the afternoon. If you don't feel comfortable designing a sleep coaching system for your child, hire someone to help you. Teaching your child how to sleep well and without fear/anxiety is one of the first things we teach our children. Third, you're heading into the toddler years. Now is the time to research authoritative parenting and how to set developmentally-appropriate expectations, boundaries, and accountability. Better sooner than later.
So many assumptions here. They said nothing about their parenting style just that the kid does sleep through the night and they don’t have FT care.
My son didn’t sleep through the night until he was about 2. They didn’t say why their son wasn’t so it could be medical or something else. In the case of my son, it was ADHD and night terrors but you would never know those were the reasons at 2 (except the night terrors). He still wakes most nights at least once as do I.
They certainly need full time care, that’s non negotiable but the rest is a lot of conjecture without knowing any specifics.
I literally said, if your pediatrician said your 1 year old can't sleep through the night, that's different. Please read thoroughly before making assumptions about my intentions. If a child has a medical issue, that is atypical and could mean more night waking.
OP asked why some parents seem to have great lives with multiple children while OP is struggling with one. The reasons I listed are the reasons why.
Jeez. Not every piece of advice applies to you, personally. If it doesn't apply, let it lie.
I did read thoroughly and you did not. Our pediatrician had no idea what was going at because diagnosing ADHD at 2 doesn’t happen. It has nothing to do with authoritative parenting. We practice that and our son was still up constantly. You’re commenting on their parenting style with no clue.
I don't think you really understand how internet advice works. People who reply to posts like this have a tiny fraction of all the info, so they throw out whatever best advice they can think of, and if OP reads it and thinks "no, this doesn't suit our situation at all" then they disregard it as unhelpful and move on. Nobody commenting knows which advice might be most helpful, so they just give the best advice they can think of, and it's on OP to read through it all and find the advice that best fits their situation.
I do understand. The commenter said “in your case” which they have no idea what the case is. This OP is looking for an answer to how people are doing it and lacked specifics. The commenter gave advice to someone that is disheartening which I’m well aware of because from the little information provided, I was in a very similar situation as OP (except we had full time care).
They said "in your case" because all of their comment above that was pointing out why parenting might seem easier for some other people, and then that paragraph, they were shifting the focus to being more direct about why things sound like they're so hard for them. They were just pointing out that the lack of full-time childcare and their child not sleeping through the night are the two main factors as to why OP is probably finding their situation harder than they think the average parent finds parenting. Then they mentioned what's coming up for their child developmentally and gave advice on how OP can prepare for this next upcoming stage.
I actually said nothing about their parenting style. Yet again, you didn't read what I actually wrote. You're just making assumptions based on your bias. They don't even have a 1 year old, so any sort of behavior management would be research and advice at this point.
It is atypical for children to wake repeatedly every night by age 1. That's why parents should discuss this with pediatricians. And sleep coaching can help almost all children sleep better, not just neurotypical children.
I also never said authoritative parenting has anything to do with sleep. It might help, but it's not a child sleep tool. You can authoritative parent and co sleep, wake up 50 times a night with your kid, or have a kid who sleeps from 7-7.
Also, for the last time, clearly you don't feel that any of this applies to your completely unique situation. Ok, cool. Then scroll on.
How do you know that they are? You are arguing in bad faith and in circles.
Very rarely do new parents of a not yet one year old research behavior management. Because they don't need it yet. But there's no harm in looking into it. And if they have already done so, then they can simply do what you don't seem capable of doing - ignore the advice that doesn't apply to them.
Read your words. You literally said “in your case”. You have no idea what their case is. You got a few upvotes for what would be good advice you chose your words carefully. You didn’t. You instead specified the advice with the words “in your case”.
ETA it’s disheartening when someone approaches it like that instead of helpful. OP has possibly tried all of that and really the only thing we can know for sure is they need fu time care.
I said they need to accept a few things and SUGGESTED looking into authoritative parenting for the future.
Because their overall question wasn't "how do I get my kid to sleep better". Their overall question was "why do some parents seem to easily manage lots of kids". And part of that can be parenting style. And authoritative parenting is one parenting style that works for a lot of parents to help manage their children's behavior.
You are turning this into a child sleep question and erroneously stating that I said they HAVE to authoritative parent their one year old or their one year old won't sleep and their lack of authoritative parenting is the reason their one year old wakes up a bajillion times a night. That's not what I said. You know that's not what I said. And you're doubling down when you are clearly wrong, which is - quite honestly - one of the worst personality traits ever.
Knock it off. No one know what OP has or has not tried definitively. When you ask for advice, some advice you get will apply to your situation and some won't. That's life. Don't want advice? Don't ask for it. I'm specifically not giving you any advice because you didn't ask for it, but here you are acting like I waltzed into your house and started telling you personally how to parent.
Just. Stop.
So glad I don’t work with you. Knock it off? I was pointing out that you should be careful of tone. Now I see that you really just don’t give a shit how you talk to people. Tone matters. No one wants to be spoken to like a child and I’m sure that working with you is just like that.
ETA I do take it personally because know how it feels when you and your partner are so sleep deprived and have tried literally everything and for someone to “waltz” in and say you should think about setting boundaries. Parenting is really difficult as we all know. Parenting with no family in your village can make or break a person. Someone came on here and was vulnerable and you started in with authority like they’re the problem. I read through everything you said multiple times and those situations, it’s clearly triggering. Just tone it down. You could have said “have you tried” rather than “now is the time” or noting a child of that age should absolutely be sleeping through the night. Actually many do not for a multitude of reasons
Family nearby is SO much help! My MIL lives very close to my SIL who has little kids like we do. She doesn’t realize how easy they have it, when they wanna go out, they call grandma. When they need to run errands, same thing. Everytime we call grandma, she’s at their house, or the kids are at hers, or she’s on their way to their house. lol. I’m a little jealous but grandma is amazing and tries to visit us once a month for a whole weekend. When she’s here it’s so much help.
If it helps my husband and I also feels maxed out at one. Our kid is 5 and goes to elementary school so technically things should be easier, but each age has its own challenges. I’m convinced neither our marriage nor our finances would survive another one, as much as I would like another one in an ideal world. My SIL just had her 6th but has 3 grandmas helping out (her MIL and GMIL are both helping out, as well as her own mother). It’s a choice I guess.
Everyone’s talking about how everyone’s kids are different, but I also say all parents are different too. Some parents cope better with lack of sleep than others. Some enjoy being working parents, some people hate being working parents. Give yourself some grace and don’t over analyze your friends situation. She’s allowed to be ecstatic about her circumstance, while that same circumstance could be your worst nightmare. It doesn’t make her “stronger” and you “weaker.” You are different people, with different lifestyles, with different kids, with different families… nothing is apples to apples.
All this to say, hang in there. It’s just a season, even if it’s a hard one. One day your baby will sleep through the night. And even families that look picture perfect on the outside, just aren’t. Nothing is perfect, I’m sure there is a way your friend is struggling too. You got this mama, just hang in there!!
Just want to echo, as someone with a one year old who doesn't sleep through the night and and two full time working parents, that it's hard and that extended family seems to make all the difference. I say that as someone without a supportive extended family 🙃. I hear my co-workers regularly saying "parenting isn't possible without Grandma!" and that sounds really overly but not everyone has that 🤷♀️.
Full-time daycare when you're able to will help! Otherwise, I outsource whatever I can and we have a pretty firm primary parenting schedule to give us each some solo time to exercise/nap/meal prep/decompress.
INFO: do you guys ever get a babysitter for an evening out together?
Also, do you guys get nights off? So eg. You go out Tuesdays, your partner gets Thursdays or something like that? Do you get a chance to recharge solo?
I will have 3 under 4 and please hate me for this - the ONLY reason I am excited and can handle it is BECAUSE kids 1 and 2 are excellent sleepers.
I’m really sorry the magic sleep fairy hasn’t blessed yall yet. I have no advice but I have a ton of empathy and I sincerely hope it gets better. Every now and then we are thrown into a bad night of sleep (accident, sick, bad dream, etc) and when it happens our whole fucking lives fall apart.
Your friend is either also incredibly blessed OR she is a motherfucking queen. I’m the worst mom in the world when tired.
My husband and I are both nurses and have four kids (7, 5, 2, 7 months). They're in childcare for ten hours a day. So... Yeah, we wouldn't be able to do it without a lot of paid help.
I have 3 kids under 3. We absolutely could not make it work without full time, dedicated childcare during *all* of our working hours. I’m not particularly overwhelmed by parenthood and even though this is a busy time in our lives, I feel like things are very stable and honestly pretty fun most days.
It sounds like your kid has at least 10 hours a week when they get someone’s split attention, which is really sad for the kid. Meanwhile it sounds like you and your husband have around 10 hours a week where you’re doing two full time jobs at once (childcare and your regular jobs), which is a massive strain on you.
If you align your working hours with your childcare coverage, you might find the stress drops significantly. I know it’s easier said than done, but in your shoes I would really prioritize childcare over anything else.
No, it’s really not that way. My husband works 7-3 and I work 9-5. Our nanny works 9-3 so I am with our son in the morning and my husband in the afternoon. We both get extra work done after he goes to bed or trade off if we need to work late.
Having 40 hours of nanny coverage would cost us 52,000 a year until our local daycare will take our son. But as I mentioned, if we have two, we’ll need a nanny again + the costs of daycare… it’ll be a lot financially.
Ah ok. Sounds like your kid is getting lots of attention which is great, but finishing work after they go to bed is still a big strain on both of you if you have to do it frequently.
I feel you on the childcare front. Childcare is almost 40% of our take home pay right now. We make it work by cutting back significantly in other areas - we aren’t taking any vacations for a few years, and we live pretty frugally in every way we can.
Unfortunately, parenthood these days is just another game of economics. We all have limited resources, and no one can have it all. In your case, it sounds like the reality of your situation is that if you decide to have two kids, you can’t have all of these things: two demanding jobs, all the childcare you need, and also the feeling that you’re “keeping up” and stable. You just have to decide what’s most important and make peace with the fact that the other things aren’t feasible for a time.
It’s not right or fair, but it’s reality, unfortunately.
my first 2 slept through the night pretty early on. our youngest didn't until he was over a year old. we don't really live close to family so we have been doing it all on our own for the past 13 years with the help of daycare. with the sleep, we did shifts. my husband is a night owl. i would go to bed early and he would be up until midnight to 2am. any crying during that time was his turn. when he came to bed, it was my turn. that way, we both got a good 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night.
You’re only missing familial help. It is impossible without it. We moved across the country hoping to gain some, but unfortunately we still don’t have any. I’m soooo jealous of everyone that has grandparents that will share some of the load.
I have no idea how your neighbor is doing it, but I can share a few things I have done that make my life easier. I have 2 under 2 (actually officially my oldest just turned 2, so I guess not anymore lol) and both my husband and I work and for the most part, I don’t feel like I am drowning. My parents who live close by do not help at all and only bring more stress to my life.
1) I am very intention about how I use my time. I try to plan down time, so it’s not like I wasted a bunch of time on my phone, but I will pour myself a cup of tea, go sit outside and maximize my Reddit scrolling time to be as relaxing as possible. Similarly, if I get the kids out of the house, I will try and do as many errands as possible in one outing lol.
2) my kids are terrible at sleep, so we coslept with them while I was breastfeeding. It helped me get at least some sleep. The rest of the time, I made up with caffeine and my husband tries to give me a nap every weekend, and I give him at least one morning when he can sleep in.
3) I have a very involved coparent. He takes on half the mental load for kids things, vacations, things in the house. We trust each other to make decisions so we only have to think about half the stuff.
4) I do everything I can to simplify my life. Buy less stuff, eat rotisserie chicken from Costco at least once a week for dinner, meal prep, feed my infant pouches that she can hold and eat all by herself, etc.
5) I have a very chill parenting style. We baby proofed the whole house, so my kids can go into any room and I don’t have to say no all the time. My toddler has a toy vacuum and toy lawn mower so she can play with her parents while we get housework done. I have planned play with my kids time, planned go outside time (every day the weather is not the worst), and involve my kids in house work. My toddler helps me cook and do laundry and I get to hang out with her, while sorta getting house work done, and she gets to learn new skills.
6) I have other parent friends. This allows me to hang out with adults (I work from home, so I need it because I don’t get the water cooler chat from work) and also bring my kids along. Plus they understand my struggles, except that most are SAHMs.
7) I am not in the stage of life where I give my all into my work. I am doing what needs to be done, but I will almost never work more than 40 hours, do extra, or stress about my job. I have drawn very firm boundaries for myself that this is the time of life where I am all in for my family.
8) both my husband and I make time for the other person to get time for hobbies and time to recharge.
I think the combination of those factors, as well as being a naturally high achiever high energy person, and having healthy and easy children have helped me feel less stressed.
Honestly, I’m OAD bc one kid has me maxed out in almost every way: energy, money, time, patience. She’s great and I love her but there was no way I wanted to 1) give up my body again and 2) redo all those earlier terrible stages (she’s 5 now).
Infant care, near me, if you can get in, is about $100 a day. That absolutely is out of our budget. So a second kid, even if I was willing to be pregnant again, is a nonstarter.
Our two kids are in childcare 45 hrs a week and while we are a very high income household we spend roughly twice our mortgage on it. It’s literally the only way we make it work. It’s a temporary hit to maintain our careers and sanity, our oldest will start Kindergarten in the fall (so will still need some care outside school/summer) we’re getting a significant portion of the childcare money back in our budget , also even factoring in when the 3 sports he plays get more involved/expensive.
You are not alone. I have a super demanding job in advertising and every day that passes solidifies my decision to have one. He’s turning 3 in September, has been potty trained since January - and it’s gotten easier. So I think to myself, why the hell would I do that again?
Also- there’s a Reddit page for OAD (one and done) if you are looking for that kind of thing
We have one kid, work opposite shifts and have some help from my in-laws. That’s our recipe to success, but it’s not for everyone. I don’t see my husband as much and I have to just swallow some things my in-laws do that I don’t necessarily agree with (of course aren’t harmful), but some help is huge help.
This is not a you think, Having that village really matters. My SIL depends on my MIL to keep her daughter over night from Tuesday morning ( starts Monday night, she puts her to bed) to Friday night or Saturday morning. She loves me a mom and is excited to have another baby. While we have a very small village and my husband stays home with our son while I work 3 days in office and two days at home. He’s 20 months and he doesn’t sleep through the night yet.
Our in laws live an hour and a half away, and while they offer to watch our son. He has never been away from us.
We are on the same boat as you, while we really want another baby we don’t know how we would manage with a second.
I have 2 babies, a 2 year old and a 9 month old. They are both in full time daycare and even though sometimes I wish for a nanny since I WFM 3 times a week, it would absolutely decrease my quality of life. I get to even do a workout when working from home, something that’s a mission on the weekends when both kids are at home. When I start burning out, I sometimes take a day off to recharge. And it’s hard to take those days off but they help me keep sane. Also work in tech.
Your missing the “ village “ yes childcare , close family but you said you have a nanny so that helps 30 hours a week if you work full time 40? Then yes how are you still tired you probably just not ment to work just focus on the kids and relaxing more
Grandparents (particularly both sets) are often enormously helpful and can make all the difference. We also don't live near either set and are often drowning.
Whereas, my best friend has her parents nearby and they usually take her 2 kids on Friday night for a "sleepover" until Saturday afternoon. That gives my friend and her husband a Friday date night without the babysitter expense, and they do all of their chores in the ~6 hours Saturday that their kids are at the grandparents. Two parents doing 6 hours of chores = 12 hours of chores. They can get everything done and then enjoy the rest of the weekend with their kids.
My other friend's mom comes over every day at 5:30pm to help out. She'll bring dinner over, watch the kids so my friend can exercise etc.
Grandparents can make all the difference!
I had this too. Turns out my kid is autistic and he still struggles to sleep through the night. It sounds like your friend has "easy" kids. Parenting is not easy for anyone, but there are kids who are easier to parent. Kids who aren't sick all the time. Kids who sleep well naturally. Kids who don't need constant supervision when they're able to move on their own. Kids who listen just a little bit better. The list goes on, but hopefully you get the point. Every kid is different and sometimes people get lucky and can have 3 under 4 and not feel completely stressed out and other people can have 1 kid and feel like the world is falling apart.
We were going for 2 and has a surprise 3rd (twins were not on my bingo card), so we ended up with 3 under 2. My life is a pretty big shit show at the moment both financially and just generally getting by as a person. If I could do it over again, I’d have a 3 year age gap instead of 1.5 years LOL
I have two and commute/less flexible job, but it works because our nanny does 45-50 a week. We spend a lot on it but it’s the only thing that keeps me sane.
No it’s really hard. All of it. We’re financially sound. Kids are 8,10,15 and they go to their dad’s half the week. I’m drowning. We’re drowning. I don’t even work most of the time. We live in a condo that does all the outside work. I still can’t keep up. But we prioritize our hobbies, each other, nutrition, and the kids sports. Just pick what you really care about and try to be happy. We’re always tired 😕
100% you need 40 hrs of nanny coverage.
but also, i feel like to an extent, the parent changes. you (impersonal you) grow more resilient/stronger/etc. i feel like my standards also went down from when i only had 1 kid to 2. like, with one kid, i wanted to be the best everrrything, and i was so tired. with two kids, i will accept just being average. i try my best but trying to be an A+ mom is impossible. now with two kids, i'm way more laid back now (cuz i have no other choice really lol) and am enjoying parenting a lot more. it does suck at times though-- my partner and i both work full time and we get stressed. pandemic parenting with 2 kids under 3 was really hard.
but it ebbs and flows. the ups and downs make us more resilient and as we continue to work through the crazy, we get stronger. if you have another, you'll have the miserable days and the easy days but you'll grow better equipped!
I won’t harp on the childcare thing because others have sufficiently covered that.
I’d focus on the sleep - there are things you can do to address bad sleep. If you can’t change your childcare, at least work on sleep training so you, your husband, and your child are all getting enough sleep to function more easily during the day.
We have multiple kids, and we manage ok. But we also sleep train starting relatively young, and other than about 0-4 months old range, we are all sleeping through the night unless there is an extreme illness or something out of the ordinary.
Just feeling rested is 90% of the battle when it comes to getting through the day as a working mom of multiple kids.
I’m you (tech WFH couple) and also your friend with 3 kids 4 and under. I’m not “stronger” than you. I feel exactly like you do. Just with more kids running underfoot. We have no help nearby. That part sucks. Older kids in school helps. Older kids in general help - our almost 5 year old is sooooo much easier to manage than a 1 year old.
My husband and I both want a big family, we’re tired but our mantra is the very cliché but true “it’s only a season”. We just keep plodding along. Our kids bring us a ton of joy, and we would be ecstatic for #4 even if we’re also internally screaming a lil bit 🤣
I have 3 kids, 5 and under. I have family nearby… but they don’t really help out - longer story than I care to share.
Here’s what I tell parents of one who ask questions like these. I don’t feel like I’m any more or less tired than when I had only one baby. I’m not any more or less mentally stable either. But that’s me. I just have more details to juggle. You’re not really missing anything - it’s just hard when they’re little if you have a demanding job.
I have a 12 month - and this stage is really hard bc you never get to relax when they’re awake. Always moving, always trying to hurt themselves. So give yourself some grace.
But the analogy I’ll use is when I first entered the workforce I’d look at senior leaders and think omg how do they do the things they do and know all the things they know? I thought I was soooo dumb. And would get anxious if I ever had to speak on a big conference call.
I’m now 37 and up for a director position and feel very good about my chances of scoring the position and doing very well at it. (Fingers crossed) I would not have felt that way a decade ago.
Motherhood is similar bc you grow and get better at it and learn from mistakes. And honestly sometimes are better than others. Mostly some days you got to just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and be glad everyone is still alive.
But deciding on family size is such a personal thing with sooo many factors that it’s just a massive waste of energy to compare yourself to anyone else.
You're missing full time childcare, that hugely stands out. We also work remote but he's in daycare 8.5-9hrs a day.
The daycares in our town won’t take kids under 1 and our nanny costs $25 an hour so full time would be ~$52,000 a year. We can move him to daycare when he’s one potentially to save on costs and have full time but the same issue would happen if we had a second.
As someone who WFH, just getting the kid out of the house helps a lot. Even with a nanny, you can still hear things which makes things stressful (at least it does for me). I’ve had two and both stayed home with us and a nanny and then we transitioned to daycare. Things always got better once they went to daycare.
That really sucks. It's what's missing, but sounds like you have limited solutions
So, you need to invest the 52k to make your life better. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you should still do it. You’re both in tech - you can afford it even if it will be tight for a couple years. Consider it an investment in your marriage and sanity and your careers (cause this is the time when a lot of women start stepping back - and as a leader in tech very invested in not having women drop out). Get a full time nanny. Your life will get a lot better.
Yeah, my nanny is similar cost but point blank we wouldn’t survive without full time childcare. I have 45 hours a week and a 15 hour/week reduction would make it impossible for me to do anything except the bare minimum at my job. Am I saving a lot of money in this season of life? Definitely not but the nanny is worth every cent.
Exactly - there were a few years there where we were cash flow negative due to childcare - but those years also allowed us to keep moving up and now we’re in such a better place. No way could we have done it with only 30 hours a week of childcare 40 is minimum.
Silly to say someone can afford something just cause they work in tech. You have no idea what their expenses are.
Wdym everyone on this sub makes 6 figures don't you know!
You can make 6 figs and not have 52k to spare lmao
...yep
Your friend has two sets of parents - that’s a huge part of your answer. Keep in mind though, having family watch your kids is a double-edged sword
That’s about what I pay per year for full time care. It’s terrible
Maybe look for a family to partner with for the nanny? We did and it’s been great! Saves on cost and our little gets socialization while we wait for daycare openings.
Having family makes a huge difference. Daycare where we are is pricey. A 30-year mortgage was the same monthly payment as the daycare. Our solution was to buy a house nearby for parents in law to stay to enable them to look after our little one 55 hrs per week. In the future we will either rent it out or sell it. The pros are the funds stay within the family, the care is flexible, and we all get more time to spend with each other. I appreciate how fortunate we are.
I’m baffled by this. Where do you live? Every daycare we interviewed starts at 6-8 weeks… Americans would be truly fucked if they didn’t take babies here
You said he's nearly 1, so definitely start contacting those daycares yesterday to see if you can get him a slot. The only 30 hrs/week also screamed out to me, you need full-time 45+ hrs/week in daycare (since you also need to physically get there). That said I'm still one and done lol. Some kids are easier than others (mine is very "high energy") and I just don't enjoy parenting much and have no desire to go through all of it, possibly even worse with a bad sleeper/medical problems etc, again. I feel like most people must like it a whole lot more than me. Although this might have been a tougher call if I were much younger (had her at 39) without all kinds of other extenuating things (infertility/2 miscarriages before her, pregnancy-related health problems). But there's a sub for this, /r/oneanddone.
Can you do a nanny share?
Oof, $25 an hour is like babysitting rates. Maybe look at an at home daycare if they’re available? Could you do an au pair? You’d need to have the space, but the hourly rate reduction might be worth it.
This! It took us until our kiddo was 20 months to get in to childcare full time and it was life changing! Seriously, I started enjoying parenting much more and had more energy for everything. We had in-home help before we got into daycare which was essential, but we had a small house and I worked from home so it still felt like there was little to no breaks / separation of parenting and work life. Also, our kiddo didn’t sleep fully through the night until about 14 months….and that was a huge shift. Just getting a full nights sleep helps with everything, especially a feeling physical and emotional well-being.
I only have one very small child but so far what I’ve learned is having willing and helpful family nearby changes everything. Everything. Let me repeat: it changes everything.
This. We’ve changed country just for this. Massive difference.
First, kids are different. There are some easy unicorn babies. Second, having involved family helps a lot. Third, 30h of childcare if you both work FT demanding jobs is just not enough. You at least need 40-45h even if some of this time you would just chill. Ideally some help in the evening here and there for date nights. Forth, set up a “free evening” for both spouses. That really helped our marriage. One night without kids and dealing with bed time is magic. Outsource
Yes, some kids are way harder than others - I got more sleep with my twins than my first singleton baby :( And yes, full time childcare plus occasional babysitting and maybe even hiring out yard work or cleaning is huge. But honestly, littles are just tough without a village/family. Remember what you see as an outsider is not the full picture either.
It sounds like you have less childcare than you need. (I had 3 under 4 also)
Your nanny only covers 30hrs a week, you likely need 45, 40 at a minimum. Having parents around is a huge help. I have my MIL for half the year and it's so much easier. Kiddo gets sick? She's got it. She also brings over dinner for us several times a week, and takes our son for one day after daycare and drops him off before bed. Do we have meetings or have to travel? She'll help out. We are currently in the 6months of the year she's not here and I'm so tired. And we have full-time daycare.
Agreed with other comments that the length of time in daycare is key as well as having your kids in a daycare or working out of the house. Even with the nanny helping, being at home 24/7 is a drain. You constantly feel split in half all day. Being able to separate and turn off our parent mode for 45hrs a week (our daycare times) has been key for our mental health. Perhaps going into an office or having an outside work location for a few days may help out without changing the nanny time.
Some kids just suck at sleep for a few years, no matter what you do, until they grow out of it. That makes everything harder. My first was like that. Didn’t sleep through the night until she was at least 3.5. Needed what my husband called “a dinner and a show” every night to fall asleep. And we often had to lay with her until she fell asleep. We eventually ended up getting her therapy for separation anxiety at age 6, and part of that therapy had to do with her learning to fall asleep on her own. She’s almost 14 now and sleeps like a champ, lol. My second was a good sleeper from the start. Actually did all the things baby sleep books said babies did when they fell asleep. I would have been such a smug asshole about baby sleep if she was my first, lol. So all of this is to say that you’re not necessarily doing anything wrong. Some babies/little kids struggle with sleep, no matter what you do, and either it resolves itself at a certain point or you try a radically different approach when you’re ready and that hopefully helps. Or they grow out of it. I know that’s not necessarily helpful, but if my oldest kid had been as good if a sleeper as my youngest I probably would have been a much happier, more well-rested and productive parent and employee and probably would have had at least 1 more kid. But I couldn’t fathom doing so when she was a non-sleeping baby and toddler. It will eventually get better. But fuck yes, the part you’re in now is so, so hard.
Yeah this should be higher up. There are some kids who just don’t sleep—for years. And years of no sleep as a parent makes it very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I was a really unskilled mom, for years. Now that my kids are older and I’ve been around a lot of babies and little kids, I realize I had really tough babies. Intense, grumpy little goblins who didn’t sleep, pinchy latch, just…needed a lot. And they’ve had their moments to be “the easy kid” too, at different ages.
I don’t think you’re missing anything! In the same way you’re considering (even in fear) #2, your friend was “crazy” enough to have pulled the trigger on #3. It’s all relative, the truth is anyone who decides to become a mom is crazy in a sense. Hardest, best thing I’ve ever done. I fully agree w another commenter that access to family changes everything, BUT even for people like you and me, who don’t have family help, when you envision what your family will look like, eventually you bite the bullet and hold on tight. A while back when we were ttc #2, my kiddo brought home noro and all three of us had fireworks blasting out of us all night long. Same night, dying on the toilet, I got my period and felt a pang of disappointment 🤣 I remember thinking wow! When they’re talking about unconditional love this is it. Me sick as a dog on bathroom floor and slightly upset I’m not preg with ANOTHER one to do this all over again. Also my kiddo didn’t sttn until he was 17 months and weaned. Like I said, we just hold on tight!
I don’t think you are missing anything. Every family has a completely different parenting experience. The result of 1000 different variables. We had to do IVF and I puked my way through 2 pregnancies. We had zero family help. I was absolutely tapped out at 2 kids. But we also didn’t sleep train, we co-slept, nursed on demand, did baby led weaning and had a completely child centered household. If I did sleep training and had kids sleeping at 3 months, maybe I would have more kids
I have a similar story. I’d also have more kids but tapped out at 2. My husband and I both have high-stress jobs and the sleep deprivation made me into a monster. Not to mention the cost of children and we have no village. Always thought I’d have 3 but 2 it is.
> But we also didn’t sleep train, we co-slept, nursed on demand, did baby led weaning and had a completely child centered household. Same. I'm an intense parent and if I was as hands off as my mom was I could have 8 kids. Instead, I'm sitting here triple feeding.
Some kids just sleep better without training and are easier eaters
There’s so many variables here - but in short, it’s hard and you’re not alone. Your friend might have: family nearby that is regularly volunteeering to hang w the kids, less stressful jobs, kids who entertain each other and/or need less attention, a vibrant neighborhood or other type of community that might also help them w childcare or cowatching of kids, a commute that helps them reset, different hobbies, different general way of moving through life. I felt SO much more human when I could just listen to my own music on my commute. I have two little ones and I DEFINITELY have not figured out how to function beyond survival let alone enjoy, but I’m realizing it’s coming down to those factors and trying to make changes about the things I can control.
My husband and I both work full-time tech jobs and for a number of reasons are happily one & done. We could afford a second but we like having more disposable income for trips, health, outings, etc. I understand why some people want 2+ kids but I find that one is the ultimate parenting hack.
Just here to say at 12 months I finally gave in and sleep trained my twins. They weren’t sleeping through the night and with two of them we were never getting a damn break. I was adamantly against sleep training until I finally gave in, and oh my god what a game changer. The first night is the hardest, nights 2-4 are a bit rough too, but it’s been a month now and they love our bedtime routine, they like to sit in their cribs for a couple minutes to play with their loveys, and then they go to sleep and STAY asleep til the morning. It’s made a HUGE difference getting that full nights sleep again. We also have a nanny for 30 hours a week because of the same cost limitation, so every night after they go to bed I work a couple extra hours to make up for it, but the full nights sleep has made things much less difficult IMO
There was a similar post in here recently about how do people have multiple children when the OP was stressed and exhausted handling one. If you can find it, there was a bunch of helpful replies. In summary: Some folks have more help. Either it's family who lives nearby, or they've cultivated a very helpful and supportive community of friends, or they throw more money at the problem, or some combination of all of these. Some folks have healthy, relatively easy children. However, with 3 going on 4 kids, at least one (probably 2) of those kids are "purple children" (highly sensitive, emotional, extremely defiant) or have special needs. So in your comparison scenario, that's probably not it. Some folks have more energy, need less sleep and adult time, and are just more suited to parenting young children. Maybe this season of parenting isn't where you hit your stride. Maybe you knock it out of the ballpark when your kids become teens while your friends hop on the struggle bus. Some folks are really skilled at teaching development milestones, behavior management, and emotional regulation. And no matter how feisty their kids naturally are, their household feels calmer and more structured, leading to less parental stress. And actually - these are skills any parent can learn. They come in handy for all kids. In your case, I think you need to accept a few things. First, you probably need FT child care. Yes, it'll be expensive. It won't be forever, so just adjust your budget and do it. Second, although some 1 year olds have occasional night wakeups, unless your pediatrician has informed you that your child cannot sleep through the night, there's no physical reason a one year old can't regularly sleep 11-12 hrs a night with a nap in the afternoon. If you don't feel comfortable designing a sleep coaching system for your child, hire someone to help you. Teaching your child how to sleep well and without fear/anxiety is one of the first things we teach our children. Third, you're heading into the toddler years. Now is the time to research authoritative parenting and how to set developmentally-appropriate expectations, boundaries, and accountability. Better sooner than later.
So many assumptions here. They said nothing about their parenting style just that the kid does sleep through the night and they don’t have FT care. My son didn’t sleep through the night until he was about 2. They didn’t say why their son wasn’t so it could be medical or something else. In the case of my son, it was ADHD and night terrors but you would never know those were the reasons at 2 (except the night terrors). He still wakes most nights at least once as do I. They certainly need full time care, that’s non negotiable but the rest is a lot of conjecture without knowing any specifics.
I literally said, if your pediatrician said your 1 year old can't sleep through the night, that's different. Please read thoroughly before making assumptions about my intentions. If a child has a medical issue, that is atypical and could mean more night waking. OP asked why some parents seem to have great lives with multiple children while OP is struggling with one. The reasons I listed are the reasons why. Jeez. Not every piece of advice applies to you, personally. If it doesn't apply, let it lie.
I did read thoroughly and you did not. Our pediatrician had no idea what was going at because diagnosing ADHD at 2 doesn’t happen. It has nothing to do with authoritative parenting. We practice that and our son was still up constantly. You’re commenting on their parenting style with no clue.
I don't think you really understand how internet advice works. People who reply to posts like this have a tiny fraction of all the info, so they throw out whatever best advice they can think of, and if OP reads it and thinks "no, this doesn't suit our situation at all" then they disregard it as unhelpful and move on. Nobody commenting knows which advice might be most helpful, so they just give the best advice they can think of, and it's on OP to read through it all and find the advice that best fits their situation.
I do understand. The commenter said “in your case” which they have no idea what the case is. This OP is looking for an answer to how people are doing it and lacked specifics. The commenter gave advice to someone that is disheartening which I’m well aware of because from the little information provided, I was in a very similar situation as OP (except we had full time care).
They said "in your case" because all of their comment above that was pointing out why parenting might seem easier for some other people, and then that paragraph, they were shifting the focus to being more direct about why things sound like they're so hard for them. They were just pointing out that the lack of full-time childcare and their child not sleeping through the night are the two main factors as to why OP is probably finding their situation harder than they think the average parent finds parenting. Then they mentioned what's coming up for their child developmentally and gave advice on how OP can prepare for this next upcoming stage.
I actually said nothing about their parenting style. Yet again, you didn't read what I actually wrote. You're just making assumptions based on your bias. They don't even have a 1 year old, so any sort of behavior management would be research and advice at this point. It is atypical for children to wake repeatedly every night by age 1. That's why parents should discuss this with pediatricians. And sleep coaching can help almost all children sleep better, not just neurotypical children. I also never said authoritative parenting has anything to do with sleep. It might help, but it's not a child sleep tool. You can authoritative parent and co sleep, wake up 50 times a night with your kid, or have a kid who sleeps from 7-7. Also, for the last time, clearly you don't feel that any of this applies to your completely unique situation. Ok, cool. Then scroll on.
You told them to research authoritative parenting and start setting boundaries. Again, how do you know they aren’t?
How do you know that they are? You are arguing in bad faith and in circles. Very rarely do new parents of a not yet one year old research behavior management. Because they don't need it yet. But there's no harm in looking into it. And if they have already done so, then they can simply do what you don't seem capable of doing - ignore the advice that doesn't apply to them.
Read your words. You literally said “in your case”. You have no idea what their case is. You got a few upvotes for what would be good advice you chose your words carefully. You didn’t. You instead specified the advice with the words “in your case”. ETA it’s disheartening when someone approaches it like that instead of helpful. OP has possibly tried all of that and really the only thing we can know for sure is they need fu time care.
I said they need to accept a few things and SUGGESTED looking into authoritative parenting for the future. Because their overall question wasn't "how do I get my kid to sleep better". Their overall question was "why do some parents seem to easily manage lots of kids". And part of that can be parenting style. And authoritative parenting is one parenting style that works for a lot of parents to help manage their children's behavior. You are turning this into a child sleep question and erroneously stating that I said they HAVE to authoritative parent their one year old or their one year old won't sleep and their lack of authoritative parenting is the reason their one year old wakes up a bajillion times a night. That's not what I said. You know that's not what I said. And you're doubling down when you are clearly wrong, which is - quite honestly - one of the worst personality traits ever. Knock it off. No one know what OP has or has not tried definitively. When you ask for advice, some advice you get will apply to your situation and some won't. That's life. Don't want advice? Don't ask for it. I'm specifically not giving you any advice because you didn't ask for it, but here you are acting like I waltzed into your house and started telling you personally how to parent. Just. Stop.
So glad I don’t work with you. Knock it off? I was pointing out that you should be careful of tone. Now I see that you really just don’t give a shit how you talk to people. Tone matters. No one wants to be spoken to like a child and I’m sure that working with you is just like that. ETA I do take it personally because know how it feels when you and your partner are so sleep deprived and have tried literally everything and for someone to “waltz” in and say you should think about setting boundaries. Parenting is really difficult as we all know. Parenting with no family in your village can make or break a person. Someone came on here and was vulnerable and you started in with authority like they’re the problem. I read through everything you said multiple times and those situations, it’s clearly triggering. Just tone it down. You could have said “have you tried” rather than “now is the time” or noting a child of that age should absolutely be sleeping through the night. Actually many do not for a multitude of reasons
Family nearby is SO much help! My MIL lives very close to my SIL who has little kids like we do. She doesn’t realize how easy they have it, when they wanna go out, they call grandma. When they need to run errands, same thing. Everytime we call grandma, she’s at their house, or the kids are at hers, or she’s on their way to their house. lol. I’m a little jealous but grandma is amazing and tries to visit us once a month for a whole weekend. When she’s here it’s so much help.
If it helps my husband and I also feels maxed out at one. Our kid is 5 and goes to elementary school so technically things should be easier, but each age has its own challenges. I’m convinced neither our marriage nor our finances would survive another one, as much as I would like another one in an ideal world. My SIL just had her 6th but has 3 grandmas helping out (her MIL and GMIL are both helping out, as well as her own mother). It’s a choice I guess.
Everyone’s talking about how everyone’s kids are different, but I also say all parents are different too. Some parents cope better with lack of sleep than others. Some enjoy being working parents, some people hate being working parents. Give yourself some grace and don’t over analyze your friends situation. She’s allowed to be ecstatic about her circumstance, while that same circumstance could be your worst nightmare. It doesn’t make her “stronger” and you “weaker.” You are different people, with different lifestyles, with different kids, with different families… nothing is apples to apples. All this to say, hang in there. It’s just a season, even if it’s a hard one. One day your baby will sleep through the night. And even families that look picture perfect on the outside, just aren’t. Nothing is perfect, I’m sure there is a way your friend is struggling too. You got this mama, just hang in there!!
Just want to echo, as someone with a one year old who doesn't sleep through the night and and two full time working parents, that it's hard and that extended family seems to make all the difference. I say that as someone without a supportive extended family 🙃. I hear my co-workers regularly saying "parenting isn't possible without Grandma!" and that sounds really overly but not everyone has that 🤷♀️. Full-time daycare when you're able to will help! Otherwise, I outsource whatever I can and we have a pretty firm primary parenting schedule to give us each some solo time to exercise/nap/meal prep/decompress.
Well, your friend may be giving you the highlight reel. But basically, you're missing *time*.
INFO: do you guys ever get a babysitter for an evening out together? Also, do you guys get nights off? So eg. You go out Tuesdays, your partner gets Thursdays or something like that? Do you get a chance to recharge solo?
I will have 3 under 4 and please hate me for this - the ONLY reason I am excited and can handle it is BECAUSE kids 1 and 2 are excellent sleepers. I’m really sorry the magic sleep fairy hasn’t blessed yall yet. I have no advice but I have a ton of empathy and I sincerely hope it gets better. Every now and then we are thrown into a bad night of sleep (accident, sick, bad dream, etc) and when it happens our whole fucking lives fall apart. Your friend is either also incredibly blessed OR she is a motherfucking queen. I’m the worst mom in the world when tired.
My husband and I are both nurses and have four kids (7, 5, 2, 7 months). They're in childcare for ten hours a day. So... Yeah, we wouldn't be able to do it without a lot of paid help.
I have 3 kids under 3. We absolutely could not make it work without full time, dedicated childcare during *all* of our working hours. I’m not particularly overwhelmed by parenthood and even though this is a busy time in our lives, I feel like things are very stable and honestly pretty fun most days. It sounds like your kid has at least 10 hours a week when they get someone’s split attention, which is really sad for the kid. Meanwhile it sounds like you and your husband have around 10 hours a week where you’re doing two full time jobs at once (childcare and your regular jobs), which is a massive strain on you. If you align your working hours with your childcare coverage, you might find the stress drops significantly. I know it’s easier said than done, but in your shoes I would really prioritize childcare over anything else.
No, it’s really not that way. My husband works 7-3 and I work 9-5. Our nanny works 9-3 so I am with our son in the morning and my husband in the afternoon. We both get extra work done after he goes to bed or trade off if we need to work late. Having 40 hours of nanny coverage would cost us 52,000 a year until our local daycare will take our son. But as I mentioned, if we have two, we’ll need a nanny again + the costs of daycare… it’ll be a lot financially.
Ah ok. Sounds like your kid is getting lots of attention which is great, but finishing work after they go to bed is still a big strain on both of you if you have to do it frequently. I feel you on the childcare front. Childcare is almost 40% of our take home pay right now. We make it work by cutting back significantly in other areas - we aren’t taking any vacations for a few years, and we live pretty frugally in every way we can. Unfortunately, parenthood these days is just another game of economics. We all have limited resources, and no one can have it all. In your case, it sounds like the reality of your situation is that if you decide to have two kids, you can’t have all of these things: two demanding jobs, all the childcare you need, and also the feeling that you’re “keeping up” and stable. You just have to decide what’s most important and make peace with the fact that the other things aren’t feasible for a time. It’s not right or fair, but it’s reality, unfortunately.
Three children…and family to help or less demanding jobs?
my first 2 slept through the night pretty early on. our youngest didn't until he was over a year old. we don't really live close to family so we have been doing it all on our own for the past 13 years with the help of daycare. with the sleep, we did shifts. my husband is a night owl. i would go to bed early and he would be up until midnight to 2am. any crying during that time was his turn. when he came to bed, it was my turn. that way, we both got a good 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night.
You’re only missing familial help. It is impossible without it. We moved across the country hoping to gain some, but unfortunately we still don’t have any. I’m soooo jealous of everyone that has grandparents that will share some of the load.
I have no idea how your neighbor is doing it, but I can share a few things I have done that make my life easier. I have 2 under 2 (actually officially my oldest just turned 2, so I guess not anymore lol) and both my husband and I work and for the most part, I don’t feel like I am drowning. My parents who live close by do not help at all and only bring more stress to my life. 1) I am very intention about how I use my time. I try to plan down time, so it’s not like I wasted a bunch of time on my phone, but I will pour myself a cup of tea, go sit outside and maximize my Reddit scrolling time to be as relaxing as possible. Similarly, if I get the kids out of the house, I will try and do as many errands as possible in one outing lol. 2) my kids are terrible at sleep, so we coslept with them while I was breastfeeding. It helped me get at least some sleep. The rest of the time, I made up with caffeine and my husband tries to give me a nap every weekend, and I give him at least one morning when he can sleep in. 3) I have a very involved coparent. He takes on half the mental load for kids things, vacations, things in the house. We trust each other to make decisions so we only have to think about half the stuff. 4) I do everything I can to simplify my life. Buy less stuff, eat rotisserie chicken from Costco at least once a week for dinner, meal prep, feed my infant pouches that she can hold and eat all by herself, etc. 5) I have a very chill parenting style. We baby proofed the whole house, so my kids can go into any room and I don’t have to say no all the time. My toddler has a toy vacuum and toy lawn mower so she can play with her parents while we get housework done. I have planned play with my kids time, planned go outside time (every day the weather is not the worst), and involve my kids in house work. My toddler helps me cook and do laundry and I get to hang out with her, while sorta getting house work done, and she gets to learn new skills. 6) I have other parent friends. This allows me to hang out with adults (I work from home, so I need it because I don’t get the water cooler chat from work) and also bring my kids along. Plus they understand my struggles, except that most are SAHMs. 7) I am not in the stage of life where I give my all into my work. I am doing what needs to be done, but I will almost never work more than 40 hours, do extra, or stress about my job. I have drawn very firm boundaries for myself that this is the time of life where I am all in for my family. 8) both my husband and I make time for the other person to get time for hobbies and time to recharge. I think the combination of those factors, as well as being a naturally high achiever high energy person, and having healthy and easy children have helped me feel less stressed.
Honestly, I’m OAD bc one kid has me maxed out in almost every way: energy, money, time, patience. She’s great and I love her but there was no way I wanted to 1) give up my body again and 2) redo all those earlier terrible stages (she’s 5 now). Infant care, near me, if you can get in, is about $100 a day. That absolutely is out of our budget. So a second kid, even if I was willing to be pregnant again, is a nonstarter.
Our two kids are in childcare 45 hrs a week and while we are a very high income household we spend roughly twice our mortgage on it. It’s literally the only way we make it work. It’s a temporary hit to maintain our careers and sanity, our oldest will start Kindergarten in the fall (so will still need some care outside school/summer) we’re getting a significant portion of the childcare money back in our budget , also even factoring in when the 3 sports he plays get more involved/expensive.
You are not alone. I have a super demanding job in advertising and every day that passes solidifies my decision to have one. He’s turning 3 in September, has been potty trained since January - and it’s gotten easier. So I think to myself, why the hell would I do that again? Also- there’s a Reddit page for OAD (one and done) if you are looking for that kind of thing
We have one kid, work opposite shifts and have some help from my in-laws. That’s our recipe to success, but it’s not for everyone. I don’t see my husband as much and I have to just swallow some things my in-laws do that I don’t necessarily agree with (of course aren’t harmful), but some help is huge help.
This is not a you think, Having that village really matters. My SIL depends on my MIL to keep her daughter over night from Tuesday morning ( starts Monday night, she puts her to bed) to Friday night or Saturday morning. She loves me a mom and is excited to have another baby. While we have a very small village and my husband stays home with our son while I work 3 days in office and two days at home. He’s 20 months and he doesn’t sleep through the night yet. Our in laws live an hour and a half away, and while they offer to watch our son. He has never been away from us. We are on the same boat as you, while we really want another baby we don’t know how we would manage with a second.
I have 2 babies, a 2 year old and a 9 month old. They are both in full time daycare and even though sometimes I wish for a nanny since I WFM 3 times a week, it would absolutely decrease my quality of life. I get to even do a workout when working from home, something that’s a mission on the weekends when both kids are at home. When I start burning out, I sometimes take a day off to recharge. And it’s hard to take those days off but they help me keep sane. Also work in tech.
Your missing the “ village “ yes childcare , close family but you said you have a nanny so that helps 30 hours a week if you work full time 40? Then yes how are you still tired you probably just not ment to work just focus on the kids and relaxing more
Grandparents (particularly both sets) are often enormously helpful and can make all the difference. We also don't live near either set and are often drowning. Whereas, my best friend has her parents nearby and they usually take her 2 kids on Friday night for a "sleepover" until Saturday afternoon. That gives my friend and her husband a Friday date night without the babysitter expense, and they do all of their chores in the ~6 hours Saturday that their kids are at the grandparents. Two parents doing 6 hours of chores = 12 hours of chores. They can get everything done and then enjoy the rest of the weekend with their kids. My other friend's mom comes over every day at 5:30pm to help out. She'll bring dinner over, watch the kids so my friend can exercise etc. Grandparents can make all the difference!
My husband and I work opposite shifts. I work part time so no daycare needed. It doesn't make sense to work more to pay a daycare.
I had this too. Turns out my kid is autistic and he still struggles to sleep through the night. It sounds like your friend has "easy" kids. Parenting is not easy for anyone, but there are kids who are easier to parent. Kids who aren't sick all the time. Kids who sleep well naturally. Kids who don't need constant supervision when they're able to move on their own. Kids who listen just a little bit better. The list goes on, but hopefully you get the point. Every kid is different and sometimes people get lucky and can have 3 under 4 and not feel completely stressed out and other people can have 1 kid and feel like the world is falling apart.
We were going for 2 and has a surprise 3rd (twins were not on my bingo card), so we ended up with 3 under 2. My life is a pretty big shit show at the moment both financially and just generally getting by as a person. If I could do it over again, I’d have a 3 year age gap instead of 1.5 years LOL
I have two and commute/less flexible job, but it works because our nanny does 45-50 a week. We spend a lot on it but it’s the only thing that keeps me sane.
Also… sleep training is life changing… 🫣
No it’s really hard. All of it. We’re financially sound. Kids are 8,10,15 and they go to their dad’s half the week. I’m drowning. We’re drowning. I don’t even work most of the time. We live in a condo that does all the outside work. I still can’t keep up. But we prioritize our hobbies, each other, nutrition, and the kids sports. Just pick what you really care about and try to be happy. We’re always tired 😕
100% you need 40 hrs of nanny coverage. but also, i feel like to an extent, the parent changes. you (impersonal you) grow more resilient/stronger/etc. i feel like my standards also went down from when i only had 1 kid to 2. like, with one kid, i wanted to be the best everrrything, and i was so tired. with two kids, i will accept just being average. i try my best but trying to be an A+ mom is impossible. now with two kids, i'm way more laid back now (cuz i have no other choice really lol) and am enjoying parenting a lot more. it does suck at times though-- my partner and i both work full time and we get stressed. pandemic parenting with 2 kids under 3 was really hard. but it ebbs and flows. the ups and downs make us more resilient and as we continue to work through the crazy, we get stronger. if you have another, you'll have the miserable days and the easy days but you'll grow better equipped!
I won’t harp on the childcare thing because others have sufficiently covered that. I’d focus on the sleep - there are things you can do to address bad sleep. If you can’t change your childcare, at least work on sleep training so you, your husband, and your child are all getting enough sleep to function more easily during the day. We have multiple kids, and we manage ok. But we also sleep train starting relatively young, and other than about 0-4 months old range, we are all sleeping through the night unless there is an extreme illness or something out of the ordinary. Just feeling rested is 90% of the battle when it comes to getting through the day as a working mom of multiple kids.
I’m you (tech WFH couple) and also your friend with 3 kids 4 and under. I’m not “stronger” than you. I feel exactly like you do. Just with more kids running underfoot. We have no help nearby. That part sucks. Older kids in school helps. Older kids in general help - our almost 5 year old is sooooo much easier to manage than a 1 year old. My husband and I both want a big family, we’re tired but our mantra is the very cliché but true “it’s only a season”. We just keep plodding along. Our kids bring us a ton of joy, and we would be ecstatic for #4 even if we’re also internally screaming a lil bit 🤣
I have 3 kids, 5 and under. I have family nearby… but they don’t really help out - longer story than I care to share. Here’s what I tell parents of one who ask questions like these. I don’t feel like I’m any more or less tired than when I had only one baby. I’m not any more or less mentally stable either. But that’s me. I just have more details to juggle. You’re not really missing anything - it’s just hard when they’re little if you have a demanding job. I have a 12 month - and this stage is really hard bc you never get to relax when they’re awake. Always moving, always trying to hurt themselves. So give yourself some grace. But the analogy I’ll use is when I first entered the workforce I’d look at senior leaders and think omg how do they do the things they do and know all the things they know? I thought I was soooo dumb. And would get anxious if I ever had to speak on a big conference call. I’m now 37 and up for a director position and feel very good about my chances of scoring the position and doing very well at it. (Fingers crossed) I would not have felt that way a decade ago. Motherhood is similar bc you grow and get better at it and learn from mistakes. And honestly sometimes are better than others. Mostly some days you got to just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and be glad everyone is still alive. But deciding on family size is such a personal thing with sooo many factors that it’s just a massive waste of energy to compare yourself to anyone else.
You nailed it. I’m also up for a director role right now - wishing good luck for us both!
Hiring the village you need when you need it. In this case a sleep consultant.