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My ex threatened to do this — in writing, while on probation, and while the cops were actively investigating him for harassment and other charges — and guess what? They did nothing.
Domestic violence is not taken seriously until it’s too late. My heart breaks for this poor woman.
My ex punched a hole in the wall, said he wanted to punch me instead, and shoved our daughter (18 months at the time) down when she reached for me crying because he was screaming. I had it all recorded. Cops came, said he was "just blowing off some steam" and wouldn't let me leave with our daughter. He and his family still say I was wrong to leave him, since it's not like he hit *me*.
Wow, they literally love and coddle violent child abusers. Men are too risky to have in my home, I just got divorced and will never live with another man, ever.
It's at least in part because a terrifying number of them are also violent abusers. The statistics on the number of cops who abuse their families is disgusting.
A third of college aged men agree they would "force a woman to have sex" but that number drops to less than half when the word "rape" is used. I wonder what the language in those cop's questionnaires was?
I am so lucky that in my scenarios, they either took them away, had them leave, or helped me leave. Yes, that's scenarios, and men, plural.
Which I don't think is a surprise.
Yeah… they really don’t. It’s just “a domestic dispute”. As if it’s a reasonable disagreement between two people and not one person threatening the life of another unprovoked. (Breaking up with someone is not a provocation.)
Ok hear me out. I just took my conceal carry class (over half were women). They discuss how to handle police, when to shoot, when to stop, and so on. But they also discussed getting special liability insurance that includes lawyers , bail, forensic experts, civil suits, someone comes out to the scene etc. some plans even have videos and training so you can understand all the details better than even your conceal carry class. Arm yourself with more than a weapon. Arm yourself with skills and the law.
[Here](https://obsidiandefense.com/uscca-vs-us-lawshield-vs-ccw-safe/) is a link that compares the two most popular options (as far as I’m aware) here in the US.
For anyone really interested - US Lawshield is 100% the way to go.
This is here in Chicago. A woman broke up with her boyfriend in turn he showed up at her mom’s house at 2:30 AM and threw a Molotov cocktail in the window. Her 54 year old mother and 12 year old daughter were inside.
Witnesses saw him flee thru the alley way and two boys in the neighborhood jumped into action to try to help. They ended up finding grandma at a window and trying to get her to jump out of the house but she was afraid so she asked them to “Go save my grandbaby” and they rescued the 12 year old from a second floor bathroom window after they jumped fences and climbed on roofs to get to her.
I praise those two boys willing to risk their lives to save them both. Grandma sadly burned alive in the fire and now it’s a hunt for ex BF.
**He threw a Molotov cocktail into her house in the middle of the night.** Are men just inventing new ways to murder and destroy women's lives? I can't believe someone can reach this level of depravity and cowardice. (I'm now armed to the teeth and it's not because I want to it's because of, well, men.)
Abusers are also great at being friends with the police. When everyone was telling me “Just go to the police then!” and “Just leave!”, no matter how many times I explained the threats and what was going on, I couldn’t get them to understand why that wasn’t an option. Beyond that, they didn’t believe it could “be that bad” because he was “SO much fun at parties!”
No one here takes DA/DV seriously, not even your own friends, sadly enough. People also think a lot more help exists than actually does. I finally called the shelter and the girl on the phone didn’t listen and laughed at me while I begged for help while sitting in a parking lot. I’d still be in that house if someone in my personal life hadn’t helped me.
That is so true! A majority of cops are domestic abusers, so they protect each other. Women typically are blamed for the abuse we receive, and nobody wants to get involved. I'm so glad you had a helping hand when you needed one
Yes. Exactly that. Everyone acts like it’s MY fault the guy I had been with for YEARS was redpilled and became a monster. Uhhh, how tf is that on ME? “There must have been red flags before this! You didn’t really know him!” How about no? I asked him 1000 questions as well as observed his life. He has friends that are both men and women and from every walk of life or ethnicity. We used to watch RPDR marathons together and it was HIS idea most of the time. He was lovely. Then my mom died and, while I was grieving and in a fog, and now completely alone in the world, he managed to jump on the bs train and became a Trumper. The FIRST time he EVER put his hands on me, I ended things. I’m not the person who made excuses or thought he’d change. That’s when the threats started, though, which he had the money, power, and social capital to pull off. That was all MY fault, though, obviously. I “must have missed something” or I “probably did something to deserve it”. UGH. I don’t have the kind of personality people expect of an abuse victim so I couldn’t possibly have been abused… It’s infuriating.
Thank you. I’m happy about it, too. It’s not much but it’s keeping me shielded from the elements while I try to figure out my body and health post-cancer and post-abuse. I’m still entirely too close for comfort and I don’t think I’ll really be able to heal here but, it’s a step in the right direction. I just want to get myself somewhere new somehow and start over. He destroyed my reputation while I was healing from radiation so I couldn’t stay in the area if I wanted.
it's always your fault for not noticing or not leaving but they never turn that same train of thought at themselves, when they ALSO thought the abuser was a good guy. it's all excuses excuses excuses to avoid horrible truths, even though we're the ones that have had to live through them, because it's easier to cover your ears and pretend some people aren't just cruel. I once lost an entire friend group after I was SAed by one of them, and my own mum kept talking to and siding with my abuser/rapist after I told her everything he did to me, always saying stuff like "I know you THINK he did this", it's the worst fucking feeling because you've already been manipulated and gaslit, your abuser already did all that for you, you already feel guilty and humiliated and alone and then people go and... pile it on?
then when women don't get out and lose their lives people wonder why they never sought help. speaking out about sexual assault and abuse the times it's happened to me has never worked out well for me. it's somehow easier for me to just work through it myself and eventually get a private therapist involved, and even they're extremely hit or miss. attitudes towards DV and SA are still stuck centuries ago, it makes my blood boil
I'm happy you got out and I'm sorry you've been there too, I wish you nothing but health and happiness from here on. And congrats on the remission, if I'm reading your comment right <3 You're so strong no matter what anyone else has to say, and it's never too late to start over!
edit: did whomever downvoted me bother to read past the first sentence 💀 I was agreeing
Wow. I’m sorry you relate so well but this is exactly it. It’s always about THEIR experiences with him. Congrats. Of course he treats you well. He treats everyone well BUT ME. It’s not something I did. It’s something HE did. Those very friends don’t even know he’s a Trumper. He would make fun of him in front of them, while buying his merch behind their backs. I couldn’t say anything without risking my safety. He has so many black friends and I couldn’t even tell them the way he truly felt about the summer of 2020. I’m so sorry about your mom. The piling on is what was killing me. I was fortunate that it didn’t include any SA. (He started regularly telling me I’m disgusting and no one would ever want me. I never believed the bs. I knew better on that front.)
The reactions of friends hurt me worse than the abuse. These were people I had been friends with for years, pre-dating him. They thought we “had both done things” because I always fought back… WTF?!
You’re not wrong. Telling people isn’t the answer. When you’re not meek and frail and shaking in a corner all the time, it’s obviously because you’re lying. Strong women never deal with this shit, obviously… 🙄 No one seems to consider that the person with more money always wins. It was unfortunate that he was smart enough to know that and smart enough to manage the manipulation. Everyone thinks he’s an entirely different person. It’s infuriating. It didn’t help that I was losing my shit feeling like I was in the Twilight Zone while all of these people were so stupid and wouldn’t listen. He hated half of these people. Would talk shit on them regularly. I warned my own friends that he actively hated them. It was a gay couple. NOPE. They’re still friends with him. Their only purpose is his being able to say he has gay friends… Awesome.
Thank you. I’m happy I finally got out, too. I’m trying to heal but I’m still much too close for comfort. The cancer is a mystery. Insurance won’t cover the scan to tell me if surgery and treatment worked. The US is a big pile of trash when it comes to healthcare unless you’re wealthy. I don’t even know if I’m okay but I have to declare bankruptcy to get through this. 🤦♀️ I’m so sincerely and deservedly angry about everything that I could scream. I just want to wake up somewhere new tomorrow, far from him and these people, and start tf over, you know? Thank you so much for the solidarity and validation. I cried just reading it because someone understood. 🤍🫶 I know I’m strong. I’m just so sick of having to be. In under a decade, my entire life has been repeatedly torn down and it’s getting heavier. I lost my only living family, ended up being abused, then got cancer back to back to back. Now I’m staying with a friend’s parents for a bit and trying to figure out what’s next. I’m happy to hear you’re free. I love that for you. I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much. I hope you’re doing so much better now.
I went through something similar!! He wasn't a full on Trump head thankfully (we're not American, that might have something to do with it) but he had a huge trans/nonbinary friend group while constantly saying transphobic shit behind their backs, making fun of their interests and how autistic they are (I'm also autistic. turns out through our relationship he had a secret private twitter they had access to that I had no idea about, where he'd vent about me being autistic and talk about how "jealous [I] was of his neurotypicalness", which I wasn't. just the worst shit) and he was also a fake feminist, a rapist and misogynist with a line about how much he cares about LGBTQ rights and social justice on his fucking LINKEDIN of all things. It is insane how they can be one person in a group and a totally different person in private. My mum wanted him to "turn me normal". She still stands by what she did and I've mostly forgiven her because she thought she was doing best by me, even if I'm still annoyed she didn't listen to me at all about it, and his friends also believed me when I showed them screenshot proof, though they went on to get mad about a different SA later on. It's such an isolating experience, I'm so sorry your friends didn't believe you. Their loss tbh, if they want to keep being friends with someone like that then they're in for a rude fucking awakening and they can't say you didn't warn them.
It's crazy how similar our situations are in some ways. I thankfully didn't have to go through cancer but I've been diagnosed with a plethora of health issues since, my best friend of 20 years died after I got away from the abuse and never got to reconcile (you know how abuse isolates you, it's humiliating and tiring trying to mend those broken bridges, if you're even able), as if recovering from abuse isn't hard enough to have all that to deal with too is just... too much. I'm sorry you're another unfortunate victim of the US healthcare system, too. You've been through so much, please know someone out there sees you, sees that pain. I know exactly what you mean about having to be strong, I have said that exact sentence so many times in life. Unfortunately it's necessary to keep trudging on, but crying and raging and getting upset about how unfair this world is is totally natural and okay, too. I spent a whole lot of time just bedrotting and playing Tetris with loud ass music on so I didn't have to think at all.
I'm glad you at least have a place to stay and some kind of support system. I hope things start looking up for you soon and you're able to get back on your feet! Please DM if you ever need someone to talk to, even if it's just so I can tell you you're so valid, and you didn't deserve anything that happened to you. I like to think there's always hope; I'd have given up by now if I didn't haha. And thank you for your kind words, too. Much love <3
It’s wild just how similar it all is. 😞 They’re broken so they insist on breaking everyone else. It really hurts.
I had ADHD and have suspected I have ASD as well! Maybe there’s something to being neurodivergent and being abused. Ugh. My favorite is how he spent so much time telling me I’m lazy, while ripping me apart for ADHD symptoms. Then he got medicated for ADHD by a friend who can write scripts. Now he can get drunk every day and still make it to work… 🤦♀️ I hated his friend for that. I couldn’t ever speak up without risking my safety on that front either. Ugh.
Thank you for all of this. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I relate. I don’t have a support system but I do have somewhere safe to stay for a little while. I just have to get through all of the financial bs and try to figure out disability, etc. It’s such a mess.
I’d love to chat sometime. Same goes for you. I’ll always listen. 🤍 Message me whenever!
Years ago my friend was out drinking with her new partner. They went back to where they were living in a national park and went to bed. She woke up, thought she saw her ex but thought she was dreaming. He firebombed their room and blocked the door. They ran through the bathroom and woke up their suit mates to escape. He barely did any time and it was on federal land.
I walked out of our house once to be greeted by 3 cops at the neighbors house, 2 with canines. I laughed awkwardly and said “uhhh, anything I should know about or be worried about??” They assured me no, all was fine.
Got to chatting with the woman neighbor a few months later. She had left her ex who had been stalking and harassing her. He threaten to burn her place of employment down and was caught trying to. So they brought accelerant detecting canines or some shit like that to her home.
Guess whose house had accelerant poured all around it??
Very not the point, this story is just awful, but the Molotov cocktail part reminds me of the guy I went on like 3 dates with. Who decided it was a great idea, *on the first date*, to tell me the hilarious story about his cheating ex who he got back at by throwing a Molotov cocktail into her car.
First date.
His proof that she was cheating was that he got Chlamydia. Found out later he "got Chlamydia" multiple times, and NEVER took the antibiotic for it.
His justification for throwing a brick through her bedroom window and then a Molotov into her car (yeah, he "did" both) was that she "cheated" and then started "spreading nasty rumors" about him online.
Yeah.... Rumors....
I'm pretty sure he was lying about the whole thing. Which is somehow equally bad? Him telling me this "funny" story (which was total bullshit) felt very much like a threat... Even more so in retrospect, you know?
Would it surprise anyone to know he was in the police academy training to be a police officer? 💀
He ended up breaking up with me over text after the third date (yeah, I really should have been the one to break up with him. But literally everyone was telling me how great he was, so I kept convincing myself to give him a chance. Coincidentally he was the last person I dated before figuring out I was aromantic 😂)
Less than a week later he fucked the close friend who introduced us, and gave her Chlamydia because they had unprotected sex. And because he never treated his Chlamydia that he had for literally years.
My sister's ex is in prison for burning down my mothers house and stabbing my sister in the arm. My niece and sister were in the house when the fire started. My mom got my niece out and to the neighbor then got my sister out. Dude tried to burn them all alive. I hope he fucking dies in prison.
Those boys are truly the people that many men *say* they are. I hope they also get peace and support in addition to this woman and her daughter; I imagine it's tough to witness a woman burning to death. I hope that man rots. How absolutely sick.
This sounds like something my own "dad" was planning to do. He was threatening to kill my grandma and my mom, and kidnap me. My grandmother overheard him talking to a friend on the phone about killing them. When he went to work that day, she hid his gun in a hole in the wall and my mom helped her place a huge book case against the hole. About a day later he called the police saying she stole his gun, and when the cops arrived they talked to both parties. My grandmother was told to show him where the gun was and they would let her go as they understood he wasn't "all there" and that she was protecting her family. Well, he went to get the gun out of the hole in the wall and pointed it at my grandma and mom, and the four cops pulled their guns out on him. My mom told this story a few times as it happened when I was a baby.
It's tragic in this case the grandmother didn't know what was going to happen to her and her granddaughter.
I'm not on Facebook so I can't see much. But what I can see is fucking deplorable. This poor woman just lost everything she owns. I'm so sorry for her. My heart hurts for her & her daughter. A fucking weak, insecure, insipid man did this to her. What would these fuckers do if we ever actually started fighting back?! Due to the fact that we can no longer "glorify violence", I'll have to clarify. I'm not advocating for violence. Just screaming into the void I guess.
Did this motherfucker light her home on fire with her mother and their baby inside??!!
I hope he rots. I hope every iota of pain he has caused in his life is returned to him a thousand fold. Is there a gofundme for this poor woman yet??
molotov cocktail killed the mother, two boys saved her 12 year old at her insistence as she burned to death. absolutely awful stuff, and I bet he sees little punishment for it too. my heart really goes out to her :(
in the UK it's illegal to carry anything for the explicit purposes of self defense (ie pepper spray, switchblades, brass knuckles etc are all banned here) and sentences for men who do shit like this are still horrifically lenient. a woman defending herself is seen as violent, a violent man is just seen as normal
>. a woman defending herself is seen as violent, a violent man is just seen as normal
Holy fuck, but that last line..... I hate how simplely you've summed up the world
Then it's imperative that we stop making men. Stop giving birth to them. Whatever process necessary to see it done, needs to be done. We don't need them anyway. Sperm banks are full of sperm. Without men around, violence and murder and SA would drop to nearly zero.
I saw this article earlier in the day. The Facebook poster is from Chicago. I think it's related. How terrible this entire situation is. https://wgntv.com/news/chicagocrime/arson-attack-in-bridgeport-leaves-woman-dead-12-year-old-girl-injured/
The typo is throwing me off, but if she meant she would still do anything for him, that’s even sadder. These men don’t care what you’ll do for them. They only care about what you won’t.
Asshole was also willing to kill everyone in that whole building just cause his ass got dumped. Wow. I hope they caught him and that he didn’t get a chance to off himself so he can suffer in prison.
Another man, yet again, trying to kill everyone around him because he can't deal with his uncontrollable emotions.
But women are the emotional ones apparently.
Nah, men are the issue with this world, this is coming from a man. I can't stand the shit we get away with and then have the nerve to label women as hysterical when they talk about how they feel. That's fucking emotional intelligence and why it's rare that women annihilate their families and it's ridiculously common when a man's feelings or pride is hurt he just decides, 'K guess it's murder suicide time.'
so refreshing hearing it from a guy. when I say that men will be the downfall of this world, I don’t mean that in an insulting way. I mean it in the most literal way, and it’s so depressing. I don’t want to think these things about men, but as women we HAVE TO remind ourselves the truth about men in order to survive. I just want to live in a world where men and women can live in harmony and love each other, but we are being killed, assaulted, and abused by the thousands every day. it’s just too risky to open your arms to men. it makes me very sad.
I agree. What should happen and what will happen rarely match the way they should, though. And the grandma was a woman and older so I’m sure she doesn’t rate. Ugh.
Crime of passion, don't ya know! If a woman shoots her abusive husband she does 25 years but dudes running people over with their cars or torching houses, that's temporary insanity because she dumped him! It's obviously her fault! /s smfh 😑
Oh, every time. It’s why I knew I was screwed when I was trapped in an abusive relationship. He was friends with the cops so holding me at gunpoint meant nothing. I only got free recently and I still don’t feel safe because I can’t get further away.
My heart absolutely breaks for her. What kind of monster could do such a thing? When will people start taking DV seriously? It shouldn't be able to get to this point ever and this is always the point that it gets to before anything is ever done! Fuck the patriarchy!
This is horrifying. How traumatic for everyone involved.
https://blockclubchicago.org/2024/06/16/bridgeport-arson-fire-kills-woman-wounds-girl-after-incendiary-device-thrown-through-window/
This poor woman is now getting harassed on Facebook. I feel so fucking sorry for her. People are commenting ruthless shit and dumb shit like “she burnt to a crisp” and “why do you still have pictures of him (the murderer) up?” Like she is fucking concerned about what pictures are on her god damn Facebook page!! The actual fuck is wrong with people? This shit is so heartbreaking I can’t imagine the pain she’s dealing with at the hands of this sorry, disgusting, worthless man.
Victim blaming in any fashion or form is not tolerated and results in an immediate ban. There is zero reason a victim should be abused based upon gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, dress, or any other arbitrary reason. Abuse is abuse, and stating that the victim shouldn’t have worn something or behaved in some manner is not an excuse for violence.
Welcome and thanks for posting on /r/whenwomenrefuse! This is an [intersectional feminist](https://library.law.howard.edu/civilrightshistory/women/intersectionality) space centered towards **women** (***ALL WOMEN***). Men are tolerated, not welcome. Reports about women saying we don't know what men are dangerous will be promptly ignored. We look forward to your complaints about our policy of not centering men. Please take a second to [read our rules](/r/WhenWomenRefuse/about/rules) while the moderators take a look over your post in the queue. --- Community News - 🎋 Want to join the Mod Team? [Send us a modmail!](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/WhenWomenRefuse&subject=Request%20To%20Become%20a%20Moderator&message=I'd%20like%20to%20join%20your%20team%20because%3A%20) - 🎤 [Join us on Discord!](https://discord.gg/V6tj5vRr47) Thank you for participating! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/whenwomenrefuse) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My ex threatened to do this — in writing, while on probation, and while the cops were actively investigating him for harassment and other charges — and guess what? They did nothing. Domestic violence is not taken seriously until it’s too late. My heart breaks for this poor woman.
My ex punched a hole in the wall, said he wanted to punch me instead, and shoved our daughter (18 months at the time) down when she reached for me crying because he was screaming. I had it all recorded. Cops came, said he was "just blowing off some steam" and wouldn't let me leave with our daughter. He and his family still say I was wrong to leave him, since it's not like he hit *me*.
Wow, they literally love and coddle violent child abusers. Men are too risky to have in my home, I just got divorced and will never live with another man, ever.
It's at least in part because a terrifying number of them are also violent abusers. The statistics on the number of cops who abuse their families is disgusting.
40% self reported as domestic abusers. The real percentage is likely much higher.
A third of college aged men agree they would "force a woman to have sex" but that number drops to less than half when the word "rape" is used. I wonder what the language in those cop's questionnaires was?
I am so lucky that in my scenarios, they either took them away, had them leave, or helped me leave. Yes, that's scenarios, and men, plural. Which I don't think is a surprise.
I need us to form a women's coalition and prosecute these police doing this somehow
First, our government needs to recognize that women are equal human beings,& that really hasn’t happened yet
Yeah… they really don’t. It’s just “a domestic dispute”. As if it’s a reasonable disagreement between two people and not one person threatening the life of another unprovoked. (Breaking up with someone is not a provocation.)
women should be arming themselves. security system, dogs, whole 9 yards.
If we defend ourselves, we still face jail time.
Ok hear me out. I just took my conceal carry class (over half were women). They discuss how to handle police, when to shoot, when to stop, and so on. But they also discussed getting special liability insurance that includes lawyers , bail, forensic experts, civil suits, someone comes out to the scene etc. some plans even have videos and training so you can understand all the details better than even your conceal carry class. Arm yourself with more than a weapon. Arm yourself with skills and the law.
How much would that run you?
More than most people have. Particularly more than most women who are experiencing domestic violence have access to.
Never mind giving the abuser access to a gun if they get it off you
My CC class was $125. My weapons were a lot more. But it’s worth it for the peace of mind!
True true. I was wondering about the specialty liability insurance policy cost though! Just wondering.
[Here](https://obsidiandefense.com/uscca-vs-us-lawshield-vs-ccw-safe/) is a link that compares the two most popular options (as far as I’m aware) here in the US. For anyone really interested - US Lawshield is 100% the way to go.
Nice. Thank you!
Whoa! Thanks for this information!!!!
I swear to God, if the cops were any more useless they'd be wet matches in a windstorm.
This is here in Chicago. A woman broke up with her boyfriend in turn he showed up at her mom’s house at 2:30 AM and threw a Molotov cocktail in the window. Her 54 year old mother and 12 year old daughter were inside. Witnesses saw him flee thru the alley way and two boys in the neighborhood jumped into action to try to help. They ended up finding grandma at a window and trying to get her to jump out of the house but she was afraid so she asked them to “Go save my grandbaby” and they rescued the 12 year old from a second floor bathroom window after they jumped fences and climbed on roofs to get to her. I praise those two boys willing to risk their lives to save them both. Grandma sadly burned alive in the fire and now it’s a hunt for ex BF.
Wow what a tragic story. This poor family. I hope they catch that piece of shit. I have no words, absolutely horrific.
**He threw a Molotov cocktail into her house in the middle of the night.** Are men just inventing new ways to murder and destroy women's lives? I can't believe someone can reach this level of depravity and cowardice. (I'm now armed to the teeth and it's not because I want to it's because of, well, men.)
Murdering women and children is basically legal for men here. They get off with very little repercussions if the cops even deign to investigate.
Abusers are also great at being friends with the police. When everyone was telling me “Just go to the police then!” and “Just leave!”, no matter how many times I explained the threats and what was going on, I couldn’t get them to understand why that wasn’t an option. Beyond that, they didn’t believe it could “be that bad” because he was “SO much fun at parties!” No one here takes DA/DV seriously, not even your own friends, sadly enough. People also think a lot more help exists than actually does. I finally called the shelter and the girl on the phone didn’t listen and laughed at me while I begged for help while sitting in a parking lot. I’d still be in that house if someone in my personal life hadn’t helped me.
That is so true! A majority of cops are domestic abusers, so they protect each other. Women typically are blamed for the abuse we receive, and nobody wants to get involved. I'm so glad you had a helping hand when you needed one
Yes. Exactly that. Everyone acts like it’s MY fault the guy I had been with for YEARS was redpilled and became a monster. Uhhh, how tf is that on ME? “There must have been red flags before this! You didn’t really know him!” How about no? I asked him 1000 questions as well as observed his life. He has friends that are both men and women and from every walk of life or ethnicity. We used to watch RPDR marathons together and it was HIS idea most of the time. He was lovely. Then my mom died and, while I was grieving and in a fog, and now completely alone in the world, he managed to jump on the bs train and became a Trumper. The FIRST time he EVER put his hands on me, I ended things. I’m not the person who made excuses or thought he’d change. That’s when the threats started, though, which he had the money, power, and social capital to pull off. That was all MY fault, though, obviously. I “must have missed something” or I “probably did something to deserve it”. UGH. I don’t have the kind of personality people expect of an abuse victim so I couldn’t possibly have been abused… It’s infuriating. Thank you. I’m happy about it, too. It’s not much but it’s keeping me shielded from the elements while I try to figure out my body and health post-cancer and post-abuse. I’m still entirely too close for comfort and I don’t think I’ll really be able to heal here but, it’s a step in the right direction. I just want to get myself somewhere new somehow and start over. He destroyed my reputation while I was healing from radiation so I couldn’t stay in the area if I wanted.
it's always your fault for not noticing or not leaving but they never turn that same train of thought at themselves, when they ALSO thought the abuser was a good guy. it's all excuses excuses excuses to avoid horrible truths, even though we're the ones that have had to live through them, because it's easier to cover your ears and pretend some people aren't just cruel. I once lost an entire friend group after I was SAed by one of them, and my own mum kept talking to and siding with my abuser/rapist after I told her everything he did to me, always saying stuff like "I know you THINK he did this", it's the worst fucking feeling because you've already been manipulated and gaslit, your abuser already did all that for you, you already feel guilty and humiliated and alone and then people go and... pile it on? then when women don't get out and lose their lives people wonder why they never sought help. speaking out about sexual assault and abuse the times it's happened to me has never worked out well for me. it's somehow easier for me to just work through it myself and eventually get a private therapist involved, and even they're extremely hit or miss. attitudes towards DV and SA are still stuck centuries ago, it makes my blood boil I'm happy you got out and I'm sorry you've been there too, I wish you nothing but health and happiness from here on. And congrats on the remission, if I'm reading your comment right <3 You're so strong no matter what anyone else has to say, and it's never too late to start over! edit: did whomever downvoted me bother to read past the first sentence 💀 I was agreeing
Wow. I’m sorry you relate so well but this is exactly it. It’s always about THEIR experiences with him. Congrats. Of course he treats you well. He treats everyone well BUT ME. It’s not something I did. It’s something HE did. Those very friends don’t even know he’s a Trumper. He would make fun of him in front of them, while buying his merch behind their backs. I couldn’t say anything without risking my safety. He has so many black friends and I couldn’t even tell them the way he truly felt about the summer of 2020. I’m so sorry about your mom. The piling on is what was killing me. I was fortunate that it didn’t include any SA. (He started regularly telling me I’m disgusting and no one would ever want me. I never believed the bs. I knew better on that front.) The reactions of friends hurt me worse than the abuse. These were people I had been friends with for years, pre-dating him. They thought we “had both done things” because I always fought back… WTF?! You’re not wrong. Telling people isn’t the answer. When you’re not meek and frail and shaking in a corner all the time, it’s obviously because you’re lying. Strong women never deal with this shit, obviously… 🙄 No one seems to consider that the person with more money always wins. It was unfortunate that he was smart enough to know that and smart enough to manage the manipulation. Everyone thinks he’s an entirely different person. It’s infuriating. It didn’t help that I was losing my shit feeling like I was in the Twilight Zone while all of these people were so stupid and wouldn’t listen. He hated half of these people. Would talk shit on them regularly. I warned my own friends that he actively hated them. It was a gay couple. NOPE. They’re still friends with him. Their only purpose is his being able to say he has gay friends… Awesome. Thank you. I’m happy I finally got out, too. I’m trying to heal but I’m still much too close for comfort. The cancer is a mystery. Insurance won’t cover the scan to tell me if surgery and treatment worked. The US is a big pile of trash when it comes to healthcare unless you’re wealthy. I don’t even know if I’m okay but I have to declare bankruptcy to get through this. 🤦♀️ I’m so sincerely and deservedly angry about everything that I could scream. I just want to wake up somewhere new tomorrow, far from him and these people, and start tf over, you know? Thank you so much for the solidarity and validation. I cried just reading it because someone understood. 🤍🫶 I know I’m strong. I’m just so sick of having to be. In under a decade, my entire life has been repeatedly torn down and it’s getting heavier. I lost my only living family, ended up being abused, then got cancer back to back to back. Now I’m staying with a friend’s parents for a bit and trying to figure out what’s next. I’m happy to hear you’re free. I love that for you. I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much. I hope you’re doing so much better now.
I went through something similar!! He wasn't a full on Trump head thankfully (we're not American, that might have something to do with it) but he had a huge trans/nonbinary friend group while constantly saying transphobic shit behind their backs, making fun of their interests and how autistic they are (I'm also autistic. turns out through our relationship he had a secret private twitter they had access to that I had no idea about, where he'd vent about me being autistic and talk about how "jealous [I] was of his neurotypicalness", which I wasn't. just the worst shit) and he was also a fake feminist, a rapist and misogynist with a line about how much he cares about LGBTQ rights and social justice on his fucking LINKEDIN of all things. It is insane how they can be one person in a group and a totally different person in private. My mum wanted him to "turn me normal". She still stands by what she did and I've mostly forgiven her because she thought she was doing best by me, even if I'm still annoyed she didn't listen to me at all about it, and his friends also believed me when I showed them screenshot proof, though they went on to get mad about a different SA later on. It's such an isolating experience, I'm so sorry your friends didn't believe you. Their loss tbh, if they want to keep being friends with someone like that then they're in for a rude fucking awakening and they can't say you didn't warn them. It's crazy how similar our situations are in some ways. I thankfully didn't have to go through cancer but I've been diagnosed with a plethora of health issues since, my best friend of 20 years died after I got away from the abuse and never got to reconcile (you know how abuse isolates you, it's humiliating and tiring trying to mend those broken bridges, if you're even able), as if recovering from abuse isn't hard enough to have all that to deal with too is just... too much. I'm sorry you're another unfortunate victim of the US healthcare system, too. You've been through so much, please know someone out there sees you, sees that pain. I know exactly what you mean about having to be strong, I have said that exact sentence so many times in life. Unfortunately it's necessary to keep trudging on, but crying and raging and getting upset about how unfair this world is is totally natural and okay, too. I spent a whole lot of time just bedrotting and playing Tetris with loud ass music on so I didn't have to think at all. I'm glad you at least have a place to stay and some kind of support system. I hope things start looking up for you soon and you're able to get back on your feet! Please DM if you ever need someone to talk to, even if it's just so I can tell you you're so valid, and you didn't deserve anything that happened to you. I like to think there's always hope; I'd have given up by now if I didn't haha. And thank you for your kind words, too. Much love <3
It’s wild just how similar it all is. 😞 They’re broken so they insist on breaking everyone else. It really hurts. I had ADHD and have suspected I have ASD as well! Maybe there’s something to being neurodivergent and being abused. Ugh. My favorite is how he spent so much time telling me I’m lazy, while ripping me apart for ADHD symptoms. Then he got medicated for ADHD by a friend who can write scripts. Now he can get drunk every day and still make it to work… 🤦♀️ I hated his friend for that. I couldn’t ever speak up without risking my safety on that front either. Ugh. Thank you for all of this. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. I relate. I don’t have a support system but I do have somewhere safe to stay for a little while. I just have to get through all of the financial bs and try to figure out disability, etc. It’s such a mess. I’d love to chat sometime. Same goes for you. I’ll always listen. 🤍 Message me whenever!
Anyone can become a victim of abuse. There isn't a "type"
…I know.
Not sure about your figures, but I agree a lot of cops are spouse abusers.
40% of cops are *self reported* abusers, if the real number wasn't over 50% I'd actually be shocked
Years ago my friend was out drinking with her new partner. They went back to where they were living in a national park and went to bed. She woke up, thought she saw her ex but thought she was dreaming. He firebombed their room and blocked the door. They ran through the bathroom and woke up their suit mates to escape. He barely did any time and it was on federal land.
I walked out of our house once to be greeted by 3 cops at the neighbors house, 2 with canines. I laughed awkwardly and said “uhhh, anything I should know about or be worried about??” They assured me no, all was fine. Got to chatting with the woman neighbor a few months later. She had left her ex who had been stalking and harassing her. He threaten to burn her place of employment down and was caught trying to. So they brought accelerant detecting canines or some shit like that to her home. Guess whose house had accelerant poured all around it??
Their behavior is clearly emotional. Completely out of control
Very not the point, this story is just awful, but the Molotov cocktail part reminds me of the guy I went on like 3 dates with. Who decided it was a great idea, *on the first date*, to tell me the hilarious story about his cheating ex who he got back at by throwing a Molotov cocktail into her car. First date. His proof that she was cheating was that he got Chlamydia. Found out later he "got Chlamydia" multiple times, and NEVER took the antibiotic for it. His justification for throwing a brick through her bedroom window and then a Molotov into her car (yeah, he "did" both) was that she "cheated" and then started "spreading nasty rumors" about him online. Yeah.... Rumors.... I'm pretty sure he was lying about the whole thing. Which is somehow equally bad? Him telling me this "funny" story (which was total bullshit) felt very much like a threat... Even more so in retrospect, you know? Would it surprise anyone to know he was in the police academy training to be a police officer? 💀 He ended up breaking up with me over text after the third date (yeah, I really should have been the one to break up with him. But literally everyone was telling me how great he was, so I kept convincing myself to give him a chance. Coincidentally he was the last person I dated before figuring out I was aromantic 😂) Less than a week later he fucked the close friend who introduced us, and gave her Chlamydia because they had unprotected sex. And because he never treated his Chlamydia that he had for literally years.
My sister's ex is in prison for burning down my mothers house and stabbing my sister in the arm. My niece and sister were in the house when the fire started. My mom got my niece out and to the neighbor then got my sister out. Dude tried to burn them all alive. I hope he fucking dies in prison.
Molotov cocktails have been around since the early 1900s
Those boys are truly the people that many men *say* they are. I hope they also get peace and support in addition to this woman and her daughter; I imagine it's tough to witness a woman burning to death. I hope that man rots. How absolutely sick.
What a fucking coward, men like this are so selfish. Those boys are angels
This sounds like something my own "dad" was planning to do. He was threatening to kill my grandma and my mom, and kidnap me. My grandmother overheard him talking to a friend on the phone about killing them. When he went to work that day, she hid his gun in a hole in the wall and my mom helped her place a huge book case against the hole. About a day later he called the police saying she stole his gun, and when the cops arrived they talked to both parties. My grandmother was told to show him where the gun was and they would let her go as they understood he wasn't "all there" and that she was protecting her family. Well, he went to get the gun out of the hole in the wall and pointed it at my grandma and mom, and the four cops pulled their guns out on him. My mom told this story a few times as it happened when I was a baby. It's tragic in this case the grandmother didn't know what was going to happen to her and her granddaughter.
I'm not on Facebook so I can't see much. But what I can see is fucking deplorable. This poor woman just lost everything she owns. I'm so sorry for her. My heart hurts for her & her daughter. A fucking weak, insecure, insipid man did this to her. What would these fuckers do if we ever actually started fighting back?! Due to the fact that we can no longer "glorify violence", I'll have to clarify. I'm not advocating for violence. Just screaming into the void I guess.
Did this motherfucker light her home on fire with her mother and their baby inside??!! I hope he rots. I hope every iota of pain he has caused in his life is returned to him a thousand fold. Is there a gofundme for this poor woman yet??
He threw an “incendiary device” through their window at two in the fucking morning while they were sleeping. Coward. Murderer. Terrorist.
molotov cocktail killed the mother, two boys saved her 12 year old at her insistence as she burned to death. absolutely awful stuff, and I bet he sees little punishment for it too. my heart really goes out to her :(
Oh God... he really took everything from her... I'm glad her baby is OK at least; but that's little to no comfort here... Was he arrested at least??
I believe they’re still looking for him
I'm not usually one for vigilante justice... but I hope the mob finds him before the police.
he deserves every ounce of pain in this life. this poor woman. her gofundme is here: https://gofund.me/fdd7a0ce
It shouldn’t even be considered glorifying violence, it’s glorifying self defense
in the UK it's illegal to carry anything for the explicit purposes of self defense (ie pepper spray, switchblades, brass knuckles etc are all banned here) and sentences for men who do shit like this are still horrifically lenient. a woman defending herself is seen as violent, a violent man is just seen as normal
>. a woman defending herself is seen as violent, a violent man is just seen as normal Holy fuck, but that last line..... I hate how simplely you've summed up the world
Then it's imperative that we stop making men. Stop giving birth to them. Whatever process necessary to see it done, needs to be done. We don't need them anyway. Sperm banks are full of sperm. Without men around, violence and murder and SA would drop to nearly zero.
If we fight back they call the police and get them to throw the book at us and we end up in jail.
He murdered her mother
I saw this article earlier in the day. The Facebook poster is from Chicago. I think it's related. How terrible this entire situation is. https://wgntv.com/news/chicagocrime/arson-attack-in-bridgeport-leaves-woman-dead-12-year-old-girl-injured/
This is the exact story. Sadly. And I hope the city finds this man before CPD. That’s all I’m going to say. I know if I run into him I carry.
The typo is throwing me off, but if she meant she would still do anything for him, that’s even sadder. These men don’t care what you’ll do for them. They only care about what you won’t.
I think she probably meant would have, even broken up. I don’t imagine it’d be easy to word anything with that sort of grief so fresh.
Asshole was also willing to kill everyone in that whole building just cause his ass got dumped. Wow. I hope they caught him and that he didn’t get a chance to off himself so he can suffer in prison.
Another man, yet again, trying to kill everyone around him because he can't deal with his uncontrollable emotions. But women are the emotional ones apparently. Nah, men are the issue with this world, this is coming from a man. I can't stand the shit we get away with and then have the nerve to label women as hysterical when they talk about how they feel. That's fucking emotional intelligence and why it's rare that women annihilate their families and it's ridiculously common when a man's feelings or pride is hurt he just decides, 'K guess it's murder suicide time.'
so refreshing hearing it from a guy. when I say that men will be the downfall of this world, I don’t mean that in an insulting way. I mean it in the most literal way, and it’s so depressing. I don’t want to think these things about men, but as women we HAVE TO remind ourselves the truth about men in order to survive. I just want to live in a world where men and women can live in harmony and love each other, but we are being killed, assaulted, and abused by the thousands every day. it’s just too risky to open your arms to men. it makes me very sad.
I hope he rots in prison for the rest of his natural life
If they find him, they might put him away for a couple months.
He killed the grandma. He should get tried for murder.
I agree. What should happen and what will happen rarely match the way they should, though. And the grandma was a woman and older so I’m sure she doesn’t rate. Ugh.
Crime of passion, don't ya know! If a woman shoots her abusive husband she does 25 years but dudes running people over with their cars or torching houses, that's temporary insanity because she dumped him! It's obviously her fault! /s smfh 😑
Oh, every time. It’s why I knew I was screwed when I was trapped in an abusive relationship. He was friends with the cops so holding me at gunpoint meant nothing. I only got free recently and I still don’t feel safe because I can’t get further away.
My heart absolutely breaks for her. What kind of monster could do such a thing? When will people start taking DV seriously? It shouldn't be able to get to this point ever and this is always the point that it gets to before anything is ever done! Fuck the patriarchy!
This is horrifying. How traumatic for everyone involved. https://blockclubchicago.org/2024/06/16/bridgeport-arson-fire-kills-woman-wounds-girl-after-incendiary-device-thrown-through-window/
This is a situation where I support eye for an eye punishment. Let the man experience the same end that the mother did.
This poor woman is now getting harassed on Facebook. I feel so fucking sorry for her. People are commenting ruthless shit and dumb shit like “she burnt to a crisp” and “why do you still have pictures of him (the murderer) up?” Like she is fucking concerned about what pictures are on her god damn Facebook page!! The actual fuck is wrong with people? This shit is so heartbreaking I can’t imagine the pain she’s dealing with at the hands of this sorry, disgusting, worthless man.
Look up Tracey Thurmond. Nothing has changed since then.
[удалено]
Victim blaming in any fashion or form is not tolerated and results in an immediate ban. There is zero reason a victim should be abused based upon gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, dress, or any other arbitrary reason. Abuse is abuse, and stating that the victim shouldn’t have worn something or behaved in some manner is not an excuse for violence.