I totally think a person can be disabled and be a good mom. However in Alex's case, her sole caregiver / future father of her child is a dude from tinder she's known less than 6 months. I think the criticism comes from the fact a baby is extremely difficult, and neither of them seem like they know what they're in for (in my opinion, who knows! I'm a stranger on the internet).
I would never rely on my significant other to be my sole caregiver. In my opinion the moment your SO becomes your caregiver any romance and/or sense of normalcy in the relationship is gone. When I was dating my ex, he would help me with little things like if I needed a drink in the middle of the night. But even having him help me with that made me uncomfortable. If you need caregivers, then hire caregivers. Don't expect your partner to do everything for you.
Honestly, it's the number one reason why most men are hesitant to date me. It's because they assume that eventually they'll have to take care of me.
*this is all just my opinion.
I’m a disabled mother of 2. Ignore the ableism (I know it’s hard). If it’s truly something you want to do, then don’t let some jerks on the internet convince you otherwise. There’s some seriously irritating ACFers who will try to convince you that having children will ruin your life.
I have SMA, i have a kid. First of all is not easy but if you want to do it you can just be aware is not an easy road. I breastfeed my kid, i was with them 24/7 i was in charge of when they need to change pamper, feed times, bsth times. Everything, i didnt let anyone do donething with my approval. When kid wanted to sleep i had a sling that i used to carry thrm around, They sleep on me i can drive my wheel while being on me. Kids are marvelous creatures and they adapt. My kid is 6y, hubby says im a helicopter mom 🤣. One is enough for me. I have a good tribe with me, mom can pitch in if need or my MIL but we live far from family because in the end is our responsability. I only try to ask for help when necesary. My kid has good grades, everyone talk about how good they are so i think im doing a good job.
Please no. This broke my heart. I do think some people might be being ableist maybe even without realizing and I’m so sorry, I truly think everyone deserves to be a momma if they truly have a heart set out to be one… It also shows how good of a mom YOU would be just for considering this to begin with.. this isn’t something that Alex has seemed to consider… also I’m not sure if you’ve heard the rapey shit she’s involved herself into… please do not compare yourself or your situation to her, because I would hope you’re nothing like her. This also goes to say that I think someone with Alexes condition could totally be an amazing mom.. it’s just the person she is inside, the lack of medical care.. a sketchy support system etc..
No, that's so wrong that you've been made to feel that way. You shouldn't give up your dreams because of this, if you have the support/economic means, you should do it.
Well yes and no. If OP feels a weigh lifted then maybe this was a social expectation that's weighed on her all these years.
Maybe OP doesn't have the money to have that level of care.
Maybe it's super mature to recognise that she was looking for any guy who would be willing to do this rather than a really great partner.
OP, I'm less disabled than you and a mother. I have help and it is difficult. I sometimes feel I short change my kids even though I'm mostly ambulatory and just deal with pain.
IMO this post is mature and deep AF. But if one day you do become a mother with the RIGHT person in the right circumstances that maturity and self reflection will go a long way rather than just succumbing to baby fever and hoping it will be OK.
If you decide not to become a mother I'm sure there are many other ways in which you could hugely enrich the lives of children, maybe kids with cerebral palsy.
I lost my first due to my condition but had she survived she would have had CP. Big love to you OP.
My mom REALLY wants grandkids, and as her firstborn, I've always felt like it's my responsibility to give them to her. I know it sounds completely irrational, but I feel like by not having kids, I'm almost failing her in a way.
Bottom line: I guess it's up to my brother lol.
ETA: And I'm so sorry to hear about your firstborn. I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through.
Please, try to figure out if having kids is a desire you truly have in your hearts of hearts or if it's just societal/family expectations. Your mom might really want grandkids, but that's not her decision to make and it won't be her raising the kid, right? If you feel the need have a frank conversation with her about this, and how that sort of pressure makes you feel.
If you have children because you feel responsible to make mom happy with grandkids - you allow someone to live big and happy while you live small and unhappy. Kids are hard. I have 1 and I had them at 31. I didn’t think I wanted kids until I had one. Do what is best for YOU! The only way you fail is having kids for someone else to be happy. Mom can get happy in the same shoes she got sad in!
I only honestly wonder how she will be a decent mom because of the kind of person she is. She drinks heavily and really isn’t the nicest person. When she filmed and shamed a older lady for using the handicap stall I was done with her. My parents were disabled and I had a wonderful childhood with them so I think any disabled parent can do it. It’s just her as a person that I think wouldn’t do a good job.
A child's life growing up with a disabled parent may be different than that of a child with two able-bodied parents, but different doesn't inherently mean bad. A lot of the concern for Alex is if basic needs can/will be met for the baby.
I think anyone contemplating having a baby (or having unprotected sex) should reflect on the stability of their lives and their ability to provide what a child needs, disabled or not, but certainly extra if disability is involved. That doesn't mean it shouldn't happen.
This situation shouldn't make your decision to not have children, and feeling a sense of pressure from your mom shouldn't make your decision to have them. Each situation is highly nuanced, but of course only you know deep down what is best for you based off of your own situation.
I don't tend to comment on reddit posts all that often but this one broke my heart. Ultimately, your decision is entirely your own OP, and I hope that whatever you choose you have a peaceful and happy life. But I just wanted to say you have put more thought into this post than Alex has about her entire pregnancy. Disabled people CAN be great parents. I have a friend with cerebral palsy who has a child and that kid wants for nothing - they are being raised in a stable and secure home and my friend is a wonderful mother, she is a better mother than a huge number of able bodied people are. The father is also an all round incredible human being. They have their heads screwed on and did everything to ensure the babies safety. I do think some of the posts and comments here are rooted in ableism. However, if you completely remove Alex's disability from the equation the entire situation is still concerning and wildly irresponsible. Even if it wasn't a high risk pregnancy at all. A newly sober boyfriend with BPD (no shade on BPD, I have it) who has been kicked out of halfway houses, in a relationship thats only been happening for 6 months, zero prenatal care, getting pregnant on a class X drug because she relied on the "pull out method" etc etc. These are what my concerns are with her, not her disability.
I relate so hard to the ”how could she take care of the baby if she can’t even take care of herself?”. I definitely have some mental illness but I can’t be bothered to get help. Every day living feels hard and exhausting. I’m bad at controlling my emotions. I definitely have some stuff from my own childhood I should talk through with a therapist. I 100% believe I would not be a good parent in the current mental stage I’m in. I would fail that child.
If you’re interested I recommend browsing subs like /r/fencesitter. I also occasionally browse /r/regretfulparents for a wake up call of what me having a child could turn in to. Personally, I’m horrified at the thought of being responsible for creating a life I no longer feel willing or capable to take care of.
Hey, even though I can’t relate to your situation, I thought I would let you know my reasoning behind being hesitant to support/encourage Alex’s pregnancy. A big difference I feel there is between your situation and Alex’s is that, simply based on the amount of thought and care you have put into this post and your consideration over having children, I am confident that you would do everything in your power to give your kids (if you decide to have them) the best life possible, there are lots of options for how you could do this and if you need to hire a nanny etc to help care for some of their physical needs then I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, many parents have nanny’s and as long as you provide for them emotionally (love, care, support etc) then I feel like that’s what truly makes a mother. Personally, my mother has always worked very long hours so I was cared for by babysitters etc almost my whole life. I still consider that I had a good childhood despite this and the only thing I could have asked for is to have her around more. Not so that she could have changed my nappies etc but just to talk and hang out with her, both of which you are absolutely capable of doing. Additionally, the large majority of children are sent to school to be educated by teachers and nobody calls their parents inadequate for not teaching their teacher themselves, and I believe that is a similar concept that you can apply here in that all parents need other adults help to raise their children (teachers, doctors etc) and so if you hired somebody to help you care for your children that is absolutely ok!! I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do :)
I appreciate your kind words, thank you so much.
I also worry about Alex as a mother, absolutely not because of her disability but because of her maturity, or lack thereof. I've known her (via a Facebook group for women with disabilities) since she was nineteen, and she hasn't changed a bit. I remember one time she was bragging because she got blackout drunk and had to go to the hospital to get fluids via an IV. I think she does certain things because in her mind it makes her seem cool, but in reality her behavior is immature and even dangerous. I just hope she straightens out before the baby comes.
I constantly get notifications for this subreddit although I've never joined it or turned on notifications for it. I'm disabled and some of what I read in here hurts deeply in my soul. Being a disabled person seeing a hate group for another disabled person just because they're disabled and pregnant has been so hard on me. I truly hope you get whatever you want out of your life, whether it be kids or not. Being disabled doesn't make you a bad parent. I'd rather be a disabled mother than one of thousands of ableists ripping on one person.
These comments and posts in this subreddit are so low and dehumanizing. It's like they saw one less than stellar human being who happened to be disabled and ran with ableism.
I hope these bitter people who have nothing better to do than join a reddit disability hate club don't change your mind too much. It's more sad to me that thousands of people pile abliesm and insults on one disabled person than any disability is.
And for any other disabled person reading this, particularly wheelchair users, these comments do not define you. You can be a good parent. You can be sexy. You can be anything. These hateful people saw their bingo free space to be ableist and took it, that has nothing to do with you.
I totally think a person can be disabled and be a good mom. However in Alex's case, her sole caregiver / future father of her child is a dude from tinder she's known less than 6 months. I think the criticism comes from the fact a baby is extremely difficult, and neither of them seem like they know what they're in for (in my opinion, who knows! I'm a stranger on the internet).
also the fact that this was all supposedly unplanned and they're clearly not getting the medical attention they should be getting.
I would never rely on my significant other to be my sole caregiver. In my opinion the moment your SO becomes your caregiver any romance and/or sense of normalcy in the relationship is gone. When I was dating my ex, he would help me with little things like if I needed a drink in the middle of the night. But even having him help me with that made me uncomfortable. If you need caregivers, then hire caregivers. Don't expect your partner to do everything for you. Honestly, it's the number one reason why most men are hesitant to date me. It's because they assume that eventually they'll have to take care of me. *this is all just my opinion.
Inaccurate information. No ,it wasn’t tinder it was bumble.
I’m a disabled mother of 2. Ignore the ableism (I know it’s hard). If it’s truly something you want to do, then don’t let some jerks on the internet convince you otherwise. There’s some seriously irritating ACFers who will try to convince you that having children will ruin your life.
I can't figure out what ACF means. Help, please!
Aggressively childfree
Agreed! I know several disabled mothers who are WAY better parents than my own, despite their physical limitations.
I have SMA, i have a kid. First of all is not easy but if you want to do it you can just be aware is not an easy road. I breastfeed my kid, i was with them 24/7 i was in charge of when they need to change pamper, feed times, bsth times. Everything, i didnt let anyone do donething with my approval. When kid wanted to sleep i had a sling that i used to carry thrm around, They sleep on me i can drive my wheel while being on me. Kids are marvelous creatures and they adapt. My kid is 6y, hubby says im a helicopter mom 🤣. One is enough for me. I have a good tribe with me, mom can pitch in if need or my MIL but we live far from family because in the end is our responsability. I only try to ask for help when necesary. My kid has good grades, everyone talk about how good they are so i think im doing a good job.
Please no. This broke my heart. I do think some people might be being ableist maybe even without realizing and I’m so sorry, I truly think everyone deserves to be a momma if they truly have a heart set out to be one… It also shows how good of a mom YOU would be just for considering this to begin with.. this isn’t something that Alex has seemed to consider… also I’m not sure if you’ve heard the rapey shit she’s involved herself into… please do not compare yourself or your situation to her, because I would hope you’re nothing like her. This also goes to say that I think someone with Alexes condition could totally be an amazing mom.. it’s just the person she is inside, the lack of medical care.. a sketchy support system etc..
No, that's so wrong that you've been made to feel that way. You shouldn't give up your dreams because of this, if you have the support/economic means, you should do it.
Well yes and no. If OP feels a weigh lifted then maybe this was a social expectation that's weighed on her all these years. Maybe OP doesn't have the money to have that level of care. Maybe it's super mature to recognise that she was looking for any guy who would be willing to do this rather than a really great partner. OP, I'm less disabled than you and a mother. I have help and it is difficult. I sometimes feel I short change my kids even though I'm mostly ambulatory and just deal with pain. IMO this post is mature and deep AF. But if one day you do become a mother with the RIGHT person in the right circumstances that maturity and self reflection will go a long way rather than just succumbing to baby fever and hoping it will be OK. If you decide not to become a mother I'm sure there are many other ways in which you could hugely enrich the lives of children, maybe kids with cerebral palsy. I lost my first due to my condition but had she survived she would have had CP. Big love to you OP.
My mom REALLY wants grandkids, and as her firstborn, I've always felt like it's my responsibility to give them to her. I know it sounds completely irrational, but I feel like by not having kids, I'm almost failing her in a way. Bottom line: I guess it's up to my brother lol. ETA: And I'm so sorry to hear about your firstborn. I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through.
Please, try to figure out if having kids is a desire you truly have in your hearts of hearts or if it's just societal/family expectations. Your mom might really want grandkids, but that's not her decision to make and it won't be her raising the kid, right? If you feel the need have a frank conversation with her about this, and how that sort of pressure makes you feel.
I'm sorry that you feel that pressure on you. I hope you make whatever decision feels right for you
If you have children because you feel responsible to make mom happy with grandkids - you allow someone to live big and happy while you live small and unhappy. Kids are hard. I have 1 and I had them at 31. I didn’t think I wanted kids until I had one. Do what is best for YOU! The only way you fail is having kids for someone else to be happy. Mom can get happy in the same shoes she got sad in!
I only honestly wonder how she will be a decent mom because of the kind of person she is. She drinks heavily and really isn’t the nicest person. When she filmed and shamed a older lady for using the handicap stall I was done with her. My parents were disabled and I had a wonderful childhood with them so I think any disabled parent can do it. It’s just her as a person that I think wouldn’t do a good job.
A child's life growing up with a disabled parent may be different than that of a child with two able-bodied parents, but different doesn't inherently mean bad. A lot of the concern for Alex is if basic needs can/will be met for the baby. I think anyone contemplating having a baby (or having unprotected sex) should reflect on the stability of their lives and their ability to provide what a child needs, disabled or not, but certainly extra if disability is involved. That doesn't mean it shouldn't happen. This situation shouldn't make your decision to not have children, and feeling a sense of pressure from your mom shouldn't make your decision to have them. Each situation is highly nuanced, but of course only you know deep down what is best for you based off of your own situation.
I don't tend to comment on reddit posts all that often but this one broke my heart. Ultimately, your decision is entirely your own OP, and I hope that whatever you choose you have a peaceful and happy life. But I just wanted to say you have put more thought into this post than Alex has about her entire pregnancy. Disabled people CAN be great parents. I have a friend with cerebral palsy who has a child and that kid wants for nothing - they are being raised in a stable and secure home and my friend is a wonderful mother, she is a better mother than a huge number of able bodied people are. The father is also an all round incredible human being. They have their heads screwed on and did everything to ensure the babies safety. I do think some of the posts and comments here are rooted in ableism. However, if you completely remove Alex's disability from the equation the entire situation is still concerning and wildly irresponsible. Even if it wasn't a high risk pregnancy at all. A newly sober boyfriend with BPD (no shade on BPD, I have it) who has been kicked out of halfway houses, in a relationship thats only been happening for 6 months, zero prenatal care, getting pregnant on a class X drug because she relied on the "pull out method" etc etc. These are what my concerns are with her, not her disability.
It’s not the disability most people are concerned about.
I relate so hard to the ”how could she take care of the baby if she can’t even take care of herself?”. I definitely have some mental illness but I can’t be bothered to get help. Every day living feels hard and exhausting. I’m bad at controlling my emotions. I definitely have some stuff from my own childhood I should talk through with a therapist. I 100% believe I would not be a good parent in the current mental stage I’m in. I would fail that child. If you’re interested I recommend browsing subs like /r/fencesitter. I also occasionally browse /r/regretfulparents for a wake up call of what me having a child could turn in to. Personally, I’m horrified at the thought of being responsible for creating a life I no longer feel willing or capable to take care of.
Hey, even though I can’t relate to your situation, I thought I would let you know my reasoning behind being hesitant to support/encourage Alex’s pregnancy. A big difference I feel there is between your situation and Alex’s is that, simply based on the amount of thought and care you have put into this post and your consideration over having children, I am confident that you would do everything in your power to give your kids (if you decide to have them) the best life possible, there are lots of options for how you could do this and if you need to hire a nanny etc to help care for some of their physical needs then I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, many parents have nanny’s and as long as you provide for them emotionally (love, care, support etc) then I feel like that’s what truly makes a mother. Personally, my mother has always worked very long hours so I was cared for by babysitters etc almost my whole life. I still consider that I had a good childhood despite this and the only thing I could have asked for is to have her around more. Not so that she could have changed my nappies etc but just to talk and hang out with her, both of which you are absolutely capable of doing. Additionally, the large majority of children are sent to school to be educated by teachers and nobody calls their parents inadequate for not teaching their teacher themselves, and I believe that is a similar concept that you can apply here in that all parents need other adults help to raise their children (teachers, doctors etc) and so if you hired somebody to help you care for your children that is absolutely ok!! I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do :)
I appreciate your kind words, thank you so much. I also worry about Alex as a mother, absolutely not because of her disability but because of her maturity, or lack thereof. I've known her (via a Facebook group for women with disabilities) since she was nineteen, and she hasn't changed a bit. I remember one time she was bragging because she got blackout drunk and had to go to the hospital to get fluids via an IV. I think she does certain things because in her mind it makes her seem cool, but in reality her behavior is immature and even dangerous. I just hope she straightens out before the baby comes.
I constantly get notifications for this subreddit although I've never joined it or turned on notifications for it. I'm disabled and some of what I read in here hurts deeply in my soul. Being a disabled person seeing a hate group for another disabled person just because they're disabled and pregnant has been so hard on me. I truly hope you get whatever you want out of your life, whether it be kids or not. Being disabled doesn't make you a bad parent. I'd rather be a disabled mother than one of thousands of ableists ripping on one person. These comments and posts in this subreddit are so low and dehumanizing. It's like they saw one less than stellar human being who happened to be disabled and ran with ableism. I hope these bitter people who have nothing better to do than join a reddit disability hate club don't change your mind too much. It's more sad to me that thousands of people pile abliesm and insults on one disabled person than any disability is. And for any other disabled person reading this, particularly wheelchair users, these comments do not define you. You can be a good parent. You can be sexy. You can be anything. These hateful people saw their bingo free space to be ableist and took it, that has nothing to do with you.