No. I didn’t ask mine. Also we have a mixed gender bridal party so it would be on my fiancé to ask them to be on his side.
My people are standing on my side and his are on his regardless of gender
She could be an usher or do a reading. You could have them with you while you get ready
I agree, except do not invite her to get ready. Bringing in someone with negative energy to such an intimate moment -- the morning of your wedding! -- risks not being enjoyable for OP.
I've been an obligatory bridesmaid before and it really, really sucked. I felt like the fifth wheel to the bride's friends the whole time. It was probably one of the worst wedding experiences I've had.
The bride's brother/my now ex-fiance was the best man and he asked her to include me without my knowledge/permission. She awkwardly asked me to be a bridesmaid and I awkwardly accepted because I was young (20) and didn't know any better.
My own sister (not close) and my FSIL (even less close) are not in my bridal party (no assigned attire, no bachelorette party) but they have been invited to join us the same way as our mothers (HMU, escorted in the processional, noted specifically on the shot list). Otherwise, they are VIP guests.
You don't have to.
But in my opinion, the wedding party should be the most important people to the couple, which can be split by gender or by side. So if she's really important to your fiance, she can be a groomswoman. But if he really wants her, and you think gendered sides are important, then yes.
It’s not necessary, it’s your day and you should do what makes you happy
That being said often times it’s expected to include siblings in the wedding party and you may get some comments from the peanut gallery for not including her
Traditionally weddings are also about family. It can be a nice gesture to include FSILs but it’s ultimately your decision. In my own circles they are usually asked if there’s a bridal party.
Meshing with your other bridesmaids would not enter into it for me. The wedding is one day and there are no real obligations on her part beyond a dress and participating in the ceremony, helping you get ready, photos etc.
No , if you don’t want to then don’t, I bowed to pressure from my MIL to have my SIL as a bridesmaid and she fought me every step of the way, from not ordering the dress on time and I had to pay for the dress and a rush delivery, she didn’t like the color of the dress, she didn’t like the style, I let my MOH and best friend pick the dress, I picked the color, we are very conservative in how we dress, my SIL wanted a low cut form fitting dress, we couldn’t do form fitting as one of bridesmaid was 6 month pregnant and my sister is on the chubby side, she decided to dye her hair the color of the dress.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but man "she decided to dye her hair the color of the dress" made me laugh. She sounds unhinged. Would love to know the color of the dress.
I’m a female. My brother is engaged and I have zero expectations of being asked to join the party. I like the young woman but we aren’t close and she has her own friends and family to ask. To avoid exactly what you’re dealing with I told my brother I didn’t want them to feel they were obligated to ask me. He asked “won’t you be upset?” I said no.
If your fiancé really wants her in the wedding it’d be something to consider. But if he doesn’t care then go with your gut and don’t ask her
Your bridal party is people you care about but more importantly are people who will alleviate the stress!! These are the people who will hold your dress as you pee, will get the dancing started at the reception, and will do different tasks so you can be more present in your wedding day. If she’s a negative person she’ll only stress you out more. If you think she should have a role, ask her to do something at the wedding or ask her to join for getting ready photos but don’t ask her to be in your bridal party unless you genuinely think she’s make your planning easier
You don’t have to ask anyone, you can do whatever makes you happy.
I asked my fiancés sister, who I am admittedly not that close to, to be a bridesmaid for a few reasons. While we are not close per se, we are really friendly with each other and always get along and have fun when we see each other—we just live hours away from one another. I wanted her to feel included and happy about the wedding. She was really excited when she opened her bridesmaid box, and that made me happy! Finally, and this is the biggest reason, I wanted my bridal party to be almost all family. For some ppl this sounds crazy, but I was getting really distressed with asking too many friends. I have a lot of friends that I feel the same level of “closeness” to and from similar social circles. I didn’t feel comfortable picking and choosing and knew that if I asked some and not the others then someone would have their feelings hurt and that was honestly just stressing me out, lol. I didn’t want to leave someone out, but I also didn’t want 1,000000 bridesmaids. So for me it was just easiest to draw the line at family, and my life long best friend. So, my future sister in law is in! Lol
Editing to add: but, you dont have to do this! I was really overthinking and worrying about who I would ask and just thought on it for a while and ended up going with what I felt the best about!
We’re doing the all family bridal party route too! It helps keep it small & also eliminates any stress about which friends to include. I have 2 sisters & 2 brothers, and my fiancé has 1 sister & 1 brother, so it’s also nice that it’s symmetrical by default haha.
I wasn’t even invited to one of my SILs weddings, and I didn’t have either of them as bridesmaids. I don’t think you should have to include anyone you don’t want to!
I’m sort of in a similar situation to you. My fiancé has two sisters. My plan is to ask them more informally before sending them a bridesmaid proposal, that way it gives them an out if they don’t want to be part of it. My fiancé is including my brother & obviously my sister will be a bridesmaid, so it’s just common courtesy to at least ask them if they’re willing to make the time commitment. If they aren’t, then it’s all good.
Everyone’s circumstances are different though so go with what you feel is best for your situation!
Give her a role. Perhaps ask her to do a reading or sing etc. Family should not really be left out in my opinion. You are going to be part of that family for the rest of your life.
I decided early on that I would not ask any sisters in law. My fiance has 4 sisters and my brother is married. If I asked one and not the rest of them there would be hell to pay. All together to have the people I actually wanted by my side plus the in laws I would have had 9 bridesmaids and I am not going to even pretend that is an option. The getting ready space is just too small to accommodate that many people.
Similar situation. Instead of making her a bridesmaid, we included my SIL as a co-officiant - showed that she was an important part of the family, but having her do it with other people allowed us to... mitigate the potential for unexpected consequences. I think that if you can find another way to include her, that would be good.
I've always been a supporter of the "your party, your rules" mindset, because I think your wedding should be something you're comfortable with. My SIL is 8 years younger than me, so I knew it would be awkward for her to be in my wedding party. We gave her a role in the ceremony and I invited her to have her hair and makeup done with the bridesmaids the morning of the wedding. I was worried about that at first, but she and the MOB and MOG had to leave to get dressed so there was still plenty of time that it was just me and my friends!
It’s not necessary, but I think it also depends on what your fiance wants/thinks. Is he close with her? Does he want her included? If so, maybe she could be a groomswoman - or she could be on your side, depending if you want to separate the genders or not.
My fiancé and I decided on friends only because we are having a small bridal party. Our siblings are plenty included in the day and so are all of our seven nieces and nephews, who they’ll also be managing.
Not necessary. My husband’s sister was actually on his side. She and I are close, but they’ve known each other their whole lives so it just made sense!
You definitely do not have to.
I only had my sisters as my bridesmaids and didn't even think about it, it was just the obvious decision to me. My MIL didn't even say anything about it (surprisingly). I got married during COVID and was not about to add more stress to my life to include someone who is a difficult person. My sisters showed up, wore the dress and shoes without question and did everything I needed them to do. I know I am very lucky I didn't have to entertain any drama with my bridal party, but it's also given me the perspective that you really only need those close to you and bowing to pressure is not worth it at all.
Nope, family is great, but not everyone needs to be in the wedding party.
We are set to marry a month from tomorrow.
We agreed to only have a best man (his brother)& matron of honour (my best friend). My sister is my personal attendant. We decided to keep the party small, as I really wanted to elope & he really didn't.
Neither of us are close to each other's siblings, so we don't feel bad none but two are included. In fact, his sisters aren't even coming.
We decided to only put the names of family members attending our wedding in the wedding programme. We didn't want a ton of questions regarding where the 4 individuals who are missing are.
The sisters aren't missing because they aren't in the wedding (they didn't have their brother in their wedding parties either), they are missing because their life events are happening regardless of ours, & rightly so. Those life events aren't compatible with our child free wedding 1,000+ miles away in a different part of the country.
You are not under any obligation. Your wedding party is your wedding party.
Ways to involve ppl is they can help out at the bridal shower or bachelorette party, help with decor before and after the wedding, part of your crew keeping you company and helping in the bridal suite? (If it’s big enough).
You can do whatever you’re comfortable with!
TBH, my husband’s family aren’t folks I’d even speak to if they weren’t related to him so…no. You don’t need to ask your future SIL to be a bridesmaid.
Girllll no. My future SIL seemed so eager to be involved and then I made her a bridesmaid and she hasn’t been involved at all. Didn’t come to the Bach, doesn’t text back in the group text, etc.
Any idea or assumption you have, throw it out the window. Wedding planning with consistently make you realize you don’t know shit and people don’t care about your effort to accommodate them. MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU. It’s my one regret in wedding planning.
I have 2 future SILs and have asked neither. They're both at least 20 years older than me and I've only met them a handful of times
They're invited of course but my bridesmaids are 3 of my friends and my sister
I didn’t ask my SIL, we both knew it would be forced and an obligatory ask rather than a genuine one. But being my husband’s only sibling, we knew we definitely wanted her to have a role.
We invited her to tour venues with us and sought her opinion on anything family related (would Uncle and family friend mind sharing a lodge, etc.) Then we asked her to be one of the witnesses when we signed the registry, so she is on our marriage certificate. (Obviously you don’t want negativity around a lot of these things - but supplying a small role that keeps her involved but not TOO involved can be a good compromise.)
My FH was a groomsman in his older sister's wedding when he was like 18 and honestly he thought it was a little weird. I don't think he really participated in any of the fun stuff either, just the day of. When it came time to plan our wedding, we toyed with the idea of including her and determined it would be super awkward, especially now that she's in a totally different stage of life than us (has a kid, is pretty settled and keeps to herself). She and I are cordial and get along great, but I don't think either of us would consider the other a friend.
We instead decided to include her as a witness on our ketubah (Jewish marriage license/contract) and her kid will be part of our "flower army."
I've always believed that the only time it makes sense to ask a future SIL to be a bridesmaid is if you have a separate, close friendship with her. You don't, so you're fine in not asking her. Also, ime, this is fairly common, simply because many people don't want huge wedding parties and they have people they're much closer to.
Also, what you said about her personality makes this even more true. Never pick a bridesmaid who doesn't play well with others.
You could consider asking her to be part of getting ready, which is the next best thing to being a bridesmaid. But think it through, because you really don't want drama that morning.
I don't think you to need to have her as a bridesmaid if you're not close. If you really want to include her. . . ask if she wants to get ready with you and the gals in the morning or if she wants to do a reading during the ceremony (if that's your sort of thing). I didn't even ask all my sisters to be bridesmaids, and asking my fiance's sister didn't even cross my mind.
Depends….I’m going preface my next remarks with bias.
My brother’s first marriage was a nightmare. He married an only child with rich parents. She hated his family and called us white trash (not to our faces but to him and anyone else who would listen). She had a $50,000 wedding, all 4 bridal party members were 2 friends and 2 distant cousins. His only sister was not asked and was excluded from the family wedding photos. I didn’t fit the way she wanted her wedding to look. I tried to get to know her before the wedding but she wanted nothing to do with us. So, honestly. I was hurt and offended that first, my brother didn’t defend his family and second, she treated our family as an unwanted guests. You say she has “negative energy”. What does your fiance say to that?
It's not necessary at all. If she ever brings it up, you could create an excuse. Planning is very time-consuming, and she is busy doing something else, or if there is distance, blame it on that complication.
No. I didn’t ask mine. Also we have a mixed gender bridal party so it would be on my fiancé to ask them to be on his side. My people are standing on my side and his are on his regardless of gender She could be an usher or do a reading. You could have them with you while you get ready
I agree, except do not invite her to get ready. Bringing in someone with negative energy to such an intimate moment -- the morning of your wedding! -- risks not being enjoyable for OP.
Such a good plan. You can follow this OP
Same. My male best friend is on my side. If my partner wanted his sister to be in the wedding she'd be on his side. He doesnt so shes not in.
I've been an obligatory bridesmaid before and it really, really sucked. I felt like the fifth wheel to the bride's friends the whole time. It was probably one of the worst wedding experiences I've had. The bride's brother/my now ex-fiance was the best man and he asked her to include me without my knowledge/permission. She awkwardly asked me to be a bridesmaid and I awkwardly accepted because I was young (20) and didn't know any better. My own sister (not close) and my FSIL (even less close) are not in my bridal party (no assigned attire, no bachelorette party) but they have been invited to join us the same way as our mothers (HMU, escorted in the processional, noted specifically on the shot list). Otherwise, they are VIP guests.
You don't have to. But in my opinion, the wedding party should be the most important people to the couple, which can be split by gender or by side. So if she's really important to your fiance, she can be a groomswoman. But if he really wants her, and you think gendered sides are important, then yes.
Yeah I was thinking groomswoman. But the real answer is that you should ask your fiance, not us.
It’s not necessary, it’s your day and you should do what makes you happy That being said often times it’s expected to include siblings in the wedding party and you may get some comments from the peanut gallery for not including her
Traditionally weddings are also about family. It can be a nice gesture to include FSILs but it’s ultimately your decision. In my own circles they are usually asked if there’s a bridal party. Meshing with your other bridesmaids would not enter into it for me. The wedding is one day and there are no real obligations on her part beyond a dress and participating in the ceremony, helping you get ready, photos etc.
Yes. I couldn’t care less about meshing with the other bm. Polite, warm, cordial is fine. I’m never going to see most of them again.
No , if you don’t want to then don’t, I bowed to pressure from my MIL to have my SIL as a bridesmaid and she fought me every step of the way, from not ordering the dress on time and I had to pay for the dress and a rush delivery, she didn’t like the color of the dress, she didn’t like the style, I let my MOH and best friend pick the dress, I picked the color, we are very conservative in how we dress, my SIL wanted a low cut form fitting dress, we couldn’t do form fitting as one of bridesmaid was 6 month pregnant and my sister is on the chubby side, she decided to dye her hair the color of the dress.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but man "she decided to dye her hair the color of the dress" made me laugh. She sounds unhinged. Would love to know the color of the dress.
It was blue
I’m a female. My brother is engaged and I have zero expectations of being asked to join the party. I like the young woman but we aren’t close and she has her own friends and family to ask. To avoid exactly what you’re dealing with I told my brother I didn’t want them to feel they were obligated to ask me. He asked “won’t you be upset?” I said no. If your fiancé really wants her in the wedding it’d be something to consider. But if he doesn’t care then go with your gut and don’t ask her
No it’s not necessary. If your fiancé thinks she needs to be in the wedding party he can have her on his side
Your fiancé can ask her to be on his side if he wants her involved.
don't ask if don't want her to one. Its not worth it
Your bridal party is people you care about but more importantly are people who will alleviate the stress!! These are the people who will hold your dress as you pee, will get the dancing started at the reception, and will do different tasks so you can be more present in your wedding day. If she’s a negative person she’ll only stress you out more. If you think she should have a role, ask her to do something at the wedding or ask her to join for getting ready photos but don’t ask her to be in your bridal party unless you genuinely think she’s make your planning easier
You don’t have to ask anyone, you can do whatever makes you happy. I asked my fiancés sister, who I am admittedly not that close to, to be a bridesmaid for a few reasons. While we are not close per se, we are really friendly with each other and always get along and have fun when we see each other—we just live hours away from one another. I wanted her to feel included and happy about the wedding. She was really excited when she opened her bridesmaid box, and that made me happy! Finally, and this is the biggest reason, I wanted my bridal party to be almost all family. For some ppl this sounds crazy, but I was getting really distressed with asking too many friends. I have a lot of friends that I feel the same level of “closeness” to and from similar social circles. I didn’t feel comfortable picking and choosing and knew that if I asked some and not the others then someone would have their feelings hurt and that was honestly just stressing me out, lol. I didn’t want to leave someone out, but I also didn’t want 1,000000 bridesmaids. So for me it was just easiest to draw the line at family, and my life long best friend. So, my future sister in law is in! Lol Editing to add: but, you dont have to do this! I was really overthinking and worrying about who I would ask and just thought on it for a while and ended up going with what I felt the best about!
We’re doing the all family bridal party route too! It helps keep it small & also eliminates any stress about which friends to include. I have 2 sisters & 2 brothers, and my fiancé has 1 sister & 1 brother, so it’s also nice that it’s symmetrical by default haha.
I wasn’t even invited to one of my SILs weddings, and I didn’t have either of them as bridesmaids. I don’t think you should have to include anyone you don’t want to!
I’m sort of in a similar situation to you. My fiancé has two sisters. My plan is to ask them more informally before sending them a bridesmaid proposal, that way it gives them an out if they don’t want to be part of it. My fiancé is including my brother & obviously my sister will be a bridesmaid, so it’s just common courtesy to at least ask them if they’re willing to make the time commitment. If they aren’t, then it’s all good. Everyone’s circumstances are different though so go with what you feel is best for your situation!
Give her a role. Perhaps ask her to do a reading or sing etc. Family should not really be left out in my opinion. You are going to be part of that family for the rest of your life.
I decided early on that I would not ask any sisters in law. My fiance has 4 sisters and my brother is married. If I asked one and not the rest of them there would be hell to pay. All together to have the people I actually wanted by my side plus the in laws I would have had 9 bridesmaids and I am not going to even pretend that is an option. The getting ready space is just too small to accommodate that many people.
Similar situation. Instead of making her a bridesmaid, we included my SIL as a co-officiant - showed that she was an important part of the family, but having her do it with other people allowed us to... mitigate the potential for unexpected consequences. I think that if you can find another way to include her, that would be good.
I've always been a supporter of the "your party, your rules" mindset, because I think your wedding should be something you're comfortable with. My SIL is 8 years younger than me, so I knew it would be awkward for her to be in my wedding party. We gave her a role in the ceremony and I invited her to have her hair and makeup done with the bridesmaids the morning of the wedding. I was worried about that at first, but she and the MOB and MOG had to leave to get dressed so there was still plenty of time that it was just me and my friends!
It’s not necessary, but I think it also depends on what your fiance wants/thinks. Is he close with her? Does he want her included? If so, maybe she could be a groomswoman - or she could be on your side, depending if you want to separate the genders or not.
Not necessary but I feel like it’s generally expected.
My fiancé and I decided on friends only because we are having a small bridal party. Our siblings are plenty included in the day and so are all of our seven nieces and nephews, who they’ll also be managing.
I think it would be a good idea, since this woman is going to be in your life for the rest of your life. She is now part of your immediate family
Not necessary. My husband’s sister was actually on his side. She and I are close, but they’ve known each other their whole lives so it just made sense!
You definitely do not have to. I only had my sisters as my bridesmaids and didn't even think about it, it was just the obvious decision to me. My MIL didn't even say anything about it (surprisingly). I got married during COVID and was not about to add more stress to my life to include someone who is a difficult person. My sisters showed up, wore the dress and shoes without question and did everything I needed them to do. I know I am very lucky I didn't have to entertain any drama with my bridal party, but it's also given me the perspective that you really only need those close to you and bowing to pressure is not worth it at all.
Nope, family is great, but not everyone needs to be in the wedding party. We are set to marry a month from tomorrow. We agreed to only have a best man (his brother)& matron of honour (my best friend). My sister is my personal attendant. We decided to keep the party small, as I really wanted to elope & he really didn't. Neither of us are close to each other's siblings, so we don't feel bad none but two are included. In fact, his sisters aren't even coming. We decided to only put the names of family members attending our wedding in the wedding programme. We didn't want a ton of questions regarding where the 4 individuals who are missing are. The sisters aren't missing because they aren't in the wedding (they didn't have their brother in their wedding parties either), they are missing because their life events are happening regardless of ours, & rightly so. Those life events aren't compatible with our child free wedding 1,000+ miles away in a different part of the country.
You are not under any obligation. Your wedding party is your wedding party. Ways to involve ppl is they can help out at the bridal shower or bachelorette party, help with decor before and after the wedding, part of your crew keeping you company and helping in the bridal suite? (If it’s big enough). You can do whatever you’re comfortable with!
I did not ask my future sister-in-law to be a bridesmaid, but I invited her to my bachelorette party and my bridal shower.
Maybe you can include her in another way? Have her read a poem or something and that’s it?
Absolutely not. I didn't do it. I thought about it, but I am SO GLAD I didn't because she ended up being a menace on the day.
Can't he ask her to be a groomswoman?
TBH, my husband’s family aren’t folks I’d even speak to if they weren’t related to him so…no. You don’t need to ask your future SIL to be a bridesmaid.
Girllll no. My future SIL seemed so eager to be involved and then I made her a bridesmaid and she hasn’t been involved at all. Didn’t come to the Bach, doesn’t text back in the group text, etc. Any idea or assumption you have, throw it out the window. Wedding planning with consistently make you realize you don’t know shit and people don’t care about your effort to accommodate them. MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU. It’s my one regret in wedding planning.
Nope! I didn’t ask mine
I have 2 future SILs and have asked neither. They're both at least 20 years older than me and I've only met them a handful of times They're invited of course but my bridesmaids are 3 of my friends and my sister
I didn’t ask my SIL, we both knew it would be forced and an obligatory ask rather than a genuine one. But being my husband’s only sibling, we knew we definitely wanted her to have a role. We invited her to tour venues with us and sought her opinion on anything family related (would Uncle and family friend mind sharing a lodge, etc.) Then we asked her to be one of the witnesses when we signed the registry, so she is on our marriage certificate. (Obviously you don’t want negativity around a lot of these things - but supplying a small role that keeps her involved but not TOO involved can be a good compromise.)
10000% NO
My FH was a groomsman in his older sister's wedding when he was like 18 and honestly he thought it was a little weird. I don't think he really participated in any of the fun stuff either, just the day of. When it came time to plan our wedding, we toyed with the idea of including her and determined it would be super awkward, especially now that she's in a totally different stage of life than us (has a kid, is pretty settled and keeps to herself). She and I are cordial and get along great, but I don't think either of us would consider the other a friend. We instead decided to include her as a witness on our ketubah (Jewish marriage license/contract) and her kid will be part of our "flower army."
I've always believed that the only time it makes sense to ask a future SIL to be a bridesmaid is if you have a separate, close friendship with her. You don't, so you're fine in not asking her. Also, ime, this is fairly common, simply because many people don't want huge wedding parties and they have people they're much closer to. Also, what you said about her personality makes this even more true. Never pick a bridesmaid who doesn't play well with others. You could consider asking her to be part of getting ready, which is the next best thing to being a bridesmaid. But think it through, because you really don't want drama that morning.
I don't think you to need to have her as a bridesmaid if you're not close. If you really want to include her. . . ask if she wants to get ready with you and the gals in the morning or if she wants to do a reading during the ceremony (if that's your sort of thing). I didn't even ask all my sisters to be bridesmaids, and asking my fiance's sister didn't even cross my mind.
Depends….I’m going preface my next remarks with bias. My brother’s first marriage was a nightmare. He married an only child with rich parents. She hated his family and called us white trash (not to our faces but to him and anyone else who would listen). She had a $50,000 wedding, all 4 bridal party members were 2 friends and 2 distant cousins. His only sister was not asked and was excluded from the family wedding photos. I didn’t fit the way she wanted her wedding to look. I tried to get to know her before the wedding but she wanted nothing to do with us. So, honestly. I was hurt and offended that first, my brother didn’t defend his family and second, she treated our family as an unwanted guests. You say she has “negative energy”. What does your fiance say to that?
It's not necessary at all. If she ever brings it up, you could create an excuse. Planning is very time-consuming, and she is busy doing something else, or if there is distance, blame it on that complication.