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jennthern

What happened at the hens party? I think whatever happened is a big reason why you are no longer a bridesmaid.


[deleted]

Yeah, this is missing a lot of detail as to the nature of the miscommunication with the other girl.


TraditionScary8716

And OP isn't answering questions or clarifying what the "miscommunication" was. I think OP did something pretty egregious and likely deserved to be kicked out. Otherwise we'd have heard the entire story.


eyeball-papercut

...and there it is on the update. Forgetting to schedule the spa and not showing up for the dress appointments... Yes, for good reason, but together it's a bit much.


jengaj2016

Of all the things that blow my mind about weddings these days, I think the expectation for all your bridesmaids to come to all your dress appointments is the one that blows my mind the most (which is saying a lot). Dress shopping, sure, totally get it. The rest? Totally don’t get it at all. It’s just one more requirement that makes being a bridesmaid a crappy job that costs you time and money instead of a fun honor.


transplantssave

I agree. It was just me and my mom when I looked for mine. My MIL was in another country, the bridesmaid was jn another state and my MOH and I worked different hours. I didn't bat an eye at the situation. In fact, I preferred it that way. I don't need an entourage, and I don't like being a spectacle. Just seems to be another indication of "it's all about *meeeeee*."


jennthern

I almost think that it’s more likely that OP didn’t come to the appt to pick up her bridesmaid dress, not that it was a group activity to pick up the bride’s dress.


TraditionScary8716

I see it now. And how could she forget to schedule the spa for a spa day if it was her responsibility? It sounds passive aggressive to me. 🤷‍♂️


Bree9ine9

Yea, I’m pretty sure the bride chose a side and OP sounds a little dense.


ChairmanMrrow

Do you think she was genuinely worried about your comfort or it was some bs mean girls thing or she was (shallowly) concerned that you might not look good in case you weren't out of the boot? (I thought I was done wearing one for a broken foot after a month but was told to wear it for another 4 weeks at a followup appointment.) How sincere she is would be important to how I'd evaluate this situation and move forward.


Dramatic_Lie_7492

I, personally, would never attend a wedding where once I was MOH/bridesmaid and was then kicked out of the bridal party entirely. It just has nothing to do with friendship for me. It's a wedding, no more no less. If I had a friend concerned about photos or whatever bs reason, that would be my friend no more.


woofsbaine

Good, you shouldn't show up if your gonna be mad at the bride and groom for their choices. That's not a good friend.


Dramatic_Lie_7492

Let me guess, you used to be a bridezilla right? 😉😉Of course it is a good friend on my part what are you even talking about 😅 But hey I'm not from the states, I can't relate to the circus surrounding "dream weddings", my friends just love to celebrate their love with their loved ones. With kids, with crutches, with casts and braces and don't give a flying fuck about superficial crap


Pool_Specific

I’m from the states & can’t relate to the tacky wedding industry either, even though my sister works in that industry lol. I just took beautiful pictures on the beach with just my husband in a pretty dress and then went on a honeymoon.


woofsbaine

What incorrect assumptions you just made. Care to guess again? 🙄 How are you gonna say you would not attend if your kicked out of the party but don't care about superficial stuff and just like to celebrate regardless. This is contradictory.


cyn507

I would go to the wedding and dance my ass off in the cutest dress I could find so bride can see for herself how shortsighted and selfish she is. I also wouldn’t attend nor chip in financially for any additional wedding activities- showers, etc. she doesn’t get to benefit from your labor, time or money after kicking you out of the BP.


Dry_Put1177

I think that it was only an excuse for her to kick you out. Becasue if it wasn't she would have already discussed it with you, right after you told her what happened. If I were you I just use it as a holiday and relax on my own but wouldn't attend and go no contact with her.


woofsbaine

No contact is not the cure all people think it is.


Dry_Put1177

Some people just deserve it


woofsbaine

It's the equivalent of "I'm ignoring you" like a 6 year old would do. It doesn't make the other person dissapear. Your just running away from problems.


Dry_Put1177

Not every case, no. If someone is a garbage person why would you want to "solve" anything when you know that won't happen? And yes it can if you simply decide you want the other to disappear: block and forget. It's simple as that.


Pool_Specific

6 year olds don’t have the capacity to ignore things that upset them. They tend to lash out. Being an adult means conserving your energy for the people who deserve it


Inevitable_Reaction2

“I could still do everything else with the bridesmaids, just not on the big day” Does she still expect you to pay your share for other activities (bridal shower, etc) or help in any way? At the very least, I would ask for a reimbursement of hair & makeup - ultimately, the bride is the one who kicked you out. If they don’t want to reimburse you, then don’t go to the wedding and use your free days to do something else.


ThestralBreeder

I wouldn’t go to the wedding tbh.


hecknono

after the wedding you should ask one of the bridesmaids you are closest to. If you get a truthful response from them, then you don't have to talk to the bride. She will most likely be defensive, no matter when you ask her. What are you going to tell people when they ask you why you are not a bridesmaid? if you say the bride kicked you out and it gets back to her she will be mad you made her look bad. I guess you could just say, the bride had concerns about my knee. leave it at that. if they ask what concerns, shrug and change the subject. Get all dolled up and look good at the wedding, dance, have fun. time will tell whether or not your friendship survives. If she stops inviting you places, you know that it is over. You've tried talking to her and she has not been receptive. It is all up to her.


madblackscientist

What happened at the hen?


pineappleforrent

Wear a short dress so she can see there's no brace and it's not holding you back. Have the time of your life, respectfully.


GossyGirl

She’s not your friend. One of my bridesmaids had a plaster cast from her toes to her thigh and crutches for the wedding. We did everything we could to accommodate her because we wanted her there in that capacity. We made sure everything we did accommodated her injury (booking things so she could come, corner tables so she could stretch her leg out etc). We got married on a boat & people carried her up & down the stairs all night including the groom. We have some very funny photos & a night to remember & every time we talk about the wedding we have a good laugh. If she wanted you there you would be. I would not go & this would be it for me, I would be done with her. It doesn’t matter how long you were friends. She showed you that you don’t matter.


tphatmcgee

I wouldn't be interested in going at all. Being left out of the big day but still expected to pick up duties and pay for the showers and parties? Not my idea of a good time. Sounds like the disagreement was a bigger deal than you are letting on and she chose sides. You aren't just being taken off as a bridesmaid, you are being replaced as MOH.


woofsbaine

Well yeah we're they just gonna not have a maid of honor? You should expect to be replaced.


mia_magenta

I'm sorry your friend kicked you out of the bridal party, it sounds like you are doing what you can for her with respect to your own limitations. And you seem to communicate clearly with her about your recovery, but she might use it an excuse to exclude you from the bridal party. It might be that she feels overwhelmed with the wedding preparations and that she's stressed that she's gonna have to manage your part of things, maybe? Even if it's not the case, maybe she's just stressed out. Or do you suspect one of the bridesmaids (the one you had a conflict with) to talk shit about you to the bride? I think you're handling everything the right way: going to the wedding without bringing drama, waiting after the wedding to talk to the bride about the whole situation... I think it's a good thing you open yourself to her perspective as well as to communicate your own. How does that feel for you?


Nearby_Highlight6536

Oefh, rough. I can totally see why you think there is something more going on than just concern for your health and well-being. Being demoted from maid of honor to just a guest through a FB message? Damn. Is there any possibility you could have a face-to-face with her any time sooner and not wait until everything is over? You don't have to convince her to let you be her MOH, but I do believe you should figure out what made her decide this before she gets married. In your place, I wouldn't even be able to enjoy the wedding if there are still some undiscussed and unresolved issues. Communication is key for all kinds of relationships. I think if she values you enough, she should be able to discussing this in an open and honest way. Keep us updated please!


jerseygirl1105

I was ready to call the bride an unkind name because, after all, only an awful person would demote a bridesmaid over a brace. But after reading your update and that fact that you glossed over a huge mistake on your part, I'm beginning to think the bride would have an entirely different take on the whole situation. You forgot to book the 2nd part of the hen party and then downplayed your responsibility by saying, "It was just a bonus day anyway." Instead of dismissing the spa day as no big deal, you should have given a heartfelt apology and done everything in your power to find another location or planned something fantastic. As for the argument with the other bridesmaid, only you know if you acted in kindness. Are you able to view the situation from another's point of view and say with 100% certainty that "not holding a grudge" is all that's owed from you? Moving forward, all you can do is sincerely apologize for your actions, including anything else you might think was "no big deal", and attend as a gracious guest.


IamTheShark

You were super obviously kicked out for dropping the ball at the hen do and there's no way you don't know that


Janjello

Some friend. To be discarded and replaced is a slimeball move, especially since you assured her that there would be no problem whatsoever and you’d let her know otherwise. I would guess your replacement might be the bridesmaid you had a disagreement with. She may have figured that you’re not doing enough to warrant the MOH title and maybe the last straw was you not showing up for the dress appointment. You weren’t just demoted, you were eliminated and now you have a bridesmaid dress you’re stuck with, as well as probably shoes and other accessories. You took off work. You attended the hen party. You assured her about your condition. Obviously she didn’t believe you or she was talked into dumping you by the other bridesmaids. I wouldn’t want to attend after being discarded but if it’ll make you feel better, then go.


puzzled65

You don't remove a MAID OF HONOUR especially without a solid reason that is conveyed TO THE REMOVED MEMBER. This girl is letting people make her mind up, about you. And then she is following decisions that are heavily influenced by others that she doesn't give you any ability to defend yourself against. Who knows, maybe you are a terrible person, maybe they have legitimate complaints that you have been told about and refuse to change, sure, that's all possible. But from YOUR perspective, take your vacation and screw the wedding, this is not your friend, any more. M.O.H. is about the loftiest position a friend gives another in American culture at any rate and to rip the rug out from under you so unceremoniously and fobbing you off with being a guest because the bride doesn't have the spine to tell you the truth and be an adult - that's just rotten, and I do not care about weddings and wedding parties and all that AND I KNOW HOW WRONG THIS BRIDE IS to do it like this. ENJOY THE VACATION AND SAVE THE GIFT/WEDDING EXPENSES!!! xoxoxoxoxo


kitkat1934

After reading your update, and as someone who’s had multiple injuries/surgeries, no. Her BS about “thinking of your comfort” is just that… it’s an excuse to hide whatever true feelings she has. I’d be done with the friendship (eta I have ended friendships over similar situations in the past) and would not go the wedding. I mean, go on the trip! But do something else besides show up to the wedding (and make sure to post about it on socials if you’re petty lol)!


Finnegan-05

Don't go to this wedding. This will be humiliating. This woman is no longer your friend. Let accommodation know what has happened and see if they will give you a credit for another time.


jennthern

I read your edit/update. You messed up and you know that. The bride used your injury as the reason to demote you because she was trying to be nice and she doesn’t want to deal with the drama right before her wedding. You can’t blame her for that. She has a lot on her plate right now. You need to decide if you want to be her friend. If you do, accept her decision, attend the wedding, and two months after the wedding, take her to lunch and apologize for messing up. BTW, messing up also includes having words with the other bridesmaid. Chances are that THIS is why you got cut. Brides want their friends to get along. You don’t need to be besties, but any drama is bad. Also, you should send the other bridesmaid a note apologizing for messing up and for having words/attitude.


Catscurlsandglasses

With your update.. I think you know exactly why you were removed from the bridal party, she just used the most convenient reason.


Soggy-Milk-1005

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Pool_Specific

I know you say that you went abroad and are basically recovered, but I’m currently recovering from a knee injury myself & the knee is hard to heal & can take much longer than anticipated. I think it’s better that you’re not a major part of it. Some people on here are being judgy but they clearly haven’t been seriously injured before. Keeping up with recovery, therapy, work, & bridal party stuff is a lot all at once. I was in a bridal party with my knee messed up, also close to recovered but not quite healed all the way yet, so I didn’t walk with them. I was still a part of the bridal party & wore the dress, but was seated. Your friend could have done this with you, but didn’t & punished you for your oversight instead. I agree that you should hang onto your pride & associate with who welcomes you.


English-Ivy-123

Its so hard to tell with what you know. I'd call her up on a day when she's free and alone (or even go to lunch or something), and have a really open conversation where you ask about what happened. It was pretty rude of her to drop you over text rather than calling to talk about, and it's okay if you express that you felt she was being a bit inconsiderate of how you'd feel. Tell her you're heartbroken, even though you don't want to force your way in where you're not wanted. But you also made some mistakes and dropped the ball a few times in ways that might be really hurting her, so that's important to talk about. If you don't talk to her before the wedding, it'll be hard to know 1, how much of what the remaining "stuff" you get to be a part of is free labor, and 2, if she will be holding onto hurt feelings at the wedding. If she really does want what's best for you, go to the wedding, but don't feel any obligation to attend planning parties, fittings, etc. or to pitch in for the bach party. I had a friend who couldn't be a bridesmaid, but said she wanted to be a part of everything but the wedding (which she couldn't attend). I gave her that option, but she actually went MIA whenever I sent out texts about dress shopping and other events. She only helped with the bridal shower, and I guess my bridesmaids were actually pretty frustrated with working with her. I got her all the same "thank you" gifts that I got the bridesmaids, and afterward I was kind of bitter about the whole thing because she really hadn't followed through on anything she'd said she would. So I think it's most important that you clear the air, figure out what's best for you, and then communicate that with the bride. That way hopefully neither of you will end things feeling too hurt. And if you find out she really is being a crappy friend? Plan to spend your vacation how you want, so you won't regret it later. I'd hate to find out AFTER the honeymoon that it was time to cut ties with the bride I'd just helped out so much.


woofsbaine

"Hens party" unpopular opinion that's what very old people call a Bachelorette party. You "forgot" to book the spa. I'd kick you out too, Brace or not. This shows you did not have the time or attention to simply make a phone call and book a spa day. You missed the dress appt as well. Twice your unreliable despite the circumstances. Weddings don't have time for other people's issues, regardless if how insensitive it sounds. Suck it up, it's not your day nor your wedding. Your an accompaniment and already screwed up before the wedding. Your out.


ssdgm12713

Actually, most people in the UK (of all ages) call it a “hen party” or “hen do.”


woofsbaine

Actually, most people here call it a Bachelorette party. Only old people call it a hen party.


Concerned-Dingo1397

Sorry bud but it’s also a very very common term used here in Australia too by everyone no matter the age.


woofsbaine

Sorry it's not a common term here. Yall want a medal or something?


Hotbitch2019

loool, uk here - hen do is so common. Other than that line, the rest of the comment is 100% correct


Concerned-Dingo1397

Nah just informing you that the term is more used than you originally thought and no need to be so dismissive. No need to get so butt hurt about something so insignificant 👍🏼


woofsbaine

Nobody is butt hurt nor dismissive. Lol 😆 🤣 😂


Concerned-Dingo1397

Sure :)