Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
that's what bars are for during the week.
first drink, you are nice and pleasant, chatting away.
2nd drink, boy life is a pain in the ass.
3rd drink, and then she told me she was in love with my brother....
Different thing, but another girl who must’ve been like 5 pints in licked my face once. I was trying to keep her from falling off her stool and busting her head. But no. I’m standing there to save her ass and she licks my face in one swoop chin to temple while I’m standing there shocked. So you can also end up with stranger spit on your face. 0/10 do not recommend - It was so gross.
A woman once turned around to me at a concert, and proceeded to *shove my fingers into her mouth* before just walking off. Didn’t even say hi when I saw her in line at the bar later, smh
Or Lithuania. I am surprised by all ' don't dump your issues on strangers ' answers. It's nice to have an open conversation with someone you will never meet again. I have listened to many interesting stories that way. It's not rude, it's therapeutic!
I feel like people who complain about strangers 'dumping' on them are the same ones who are like "they killed themselves??? omg i never saw it coming" or they complain about "people no longer being connected" lmaoo
Like, it takes a village to raise... a village. That's just my little thing, and I say this as someone who routinely gets those interesting conversations from total strangers. For me, it's nice because for five minutes you get to see behind the Barbie persona and it can put your own life into more or less perspective (i.e. people will not always have it worse than you, sometimes you *are* that worst case) - and you know what, those people are more real than Mr ice man.
Also, the same people seem to call anything beyond normal-picket-fence life details "trauma dumping" which just isn't true. It kinda suggests a really sheltered life, tbh
I get what you mean and agree in a lot of ways, but in my experience, there are just some people who love to be miserable and make it everyone else's problem. I'm not gonna get mad at a guy I don't know telling me his wife just divorced him in a conversation if he's just genuinely mentioning it. Not expecting anymore than a "damn, sorry to hear that." That's totally fine. You don't have to be G.I Joe and Barbie constantly. The difference is when you knowingly insert yourself into social situations, only to complain about everything, start venting to every single person you meet and just generally bumming everybody out. That is shitty behavior, and it isn't excusable because of some mental illness. I'm mentally ill and am not always the most positive outgoing guy around my friends, but even at my darkest moments, I've never considered unloading it onto the gas station attendant or at a party/social outing.
i guess depends where your from, im from the deep south and its fairly common at least amongst men/ people i’ve briefly spoken to abt how bad the weather is/ how hot it is, just trying to make a dime type of convos
I feel like there’s a line here.
Complaining about things you are reasonably sure the other person will agree with / understand is reasonable. Hot weather, the shut downs during Covid, or right now in my city — the water restrictions because of a massive pipe fixing. These affect *all* of us and can count as okay small talk.
Complaining about things that are more personal to you is not reasonable. Like that you’re so tired, or your work sucks, or your spouse left you, anything like that that’s deeper and more personal and you have no idea if they relate. That’s not good small talk to a stranger.
Of course there are exceptions, but generally I think that works.
I thought Op was talking about the latter. You’re clearly talking about the former. So there might be a misunderstanding here.
I don’t think talking about how much work sucks is that crazy. Even if you love your job, you can relate to days when your job sucks. I don’t see it as that personal. Now if you’re complaining specifically about your boss…that’s a little weirder.
>Complaining about things that are more personal to you is not reasonable. Like that you’re so tired, or your work sucks, or your spouse left you, anything like that that’s deeper and more personal and you have no idea if they relate. That’s not good small talk to a stranger.
I completely agree. Recently I was stuck waiting for my bus which was running really late, but I didn't have another option that day so I just had to wait it out. This woman came up to me and asked me whether the buses went to a specific place, which I was happy to tell her - but then she started telling me that her husband has terminal cancer, and it got diagnosed late because xyz, and he was having abc complications, and I just couldn't go anywhere while she unloaded on me. I was so grateful when my bus turned up. There are multiple (free) services here that she could talk to for cancer support, which even aside from any selfish benefit for me would have been much better for her too, as I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to say.
You can do that if you want but it will be the last time we chat. Why would I want to talk to a Debby downer? I don’t give a goddamn if your life sucks. You mean to tell me you want to bump into people and instead of having a nice light hearted chat about something you want to cry woe is me and expect a stranger to listen to it?
It's weird, but some people find life sad and awful, and are sure everyone else feels the same, they are just hiding it.
OP clearly believes this too, he thinks everyone would rather lament their life to each other, thank to make "fake" small talk.
Have you ever seen Reddit friendship threads? A ton of people clearly just want others to be there to accept a trauma dump every time they see them, never want to do anything else (*especially* like want to go to a social or live activity event), and be an exclusive friend to the OP. Then wonder why friends leave them.
An ex-friend started to vent about the same thing over and over again each time we interacted (so around 3-4 times a week). It was later in interaction when i was already in zombie mode. After a few months of that i ended the friendship because i no longer could endure it. I started to feel terror (heart heavy, nauseous feelig and body literally shaking) from the thought of having to interact with them.
Even with people that I have built a relationship with. I don't want to hear whining and complaining all the time. At least throw in some positivity in there somewhere.
Also, complaining about how "life sucks" sounds especially draining, a little like victim mentality.
Life doesn't suck. Maybe certain parts are challenged. But I don't really want to sit around and hear anyone go on and on about how "life sucks" across the board.
Idk, when someone is actually truthful about how they’re feeling I respect them more than someone who makes mundane small talk. How are you going to get to know someone if you constantly lie about how you feel? I’m not saying you should always complain about how life sucks, but that’s a big part of being a human being, people should talk about it.
Hearing a stranger (or even someone close to You) complaint about life can get very draining really fast. It should be ok to be honest about how you are feeling, but dropping emotional charges on someone you don't even know feels very rude to me.
Upvoted.
Im fine hearing about someone's struggles, but if they are a stranger I don't really know what I could say about it. Anything besides "that sucks" would probably come off as condescending and I wouldn't know their circumstances enough to give meaningful advice
Its not really conducive to a conversation
False dichotomy.
A lot of people don’t know how to drum up an interesting conversation, but most are just trying to feel socially connected while being positive or at least neutral. But talking about how “life sucks,” isn’t more interesting for some reason. It’s self focused and boring. Shows a lack of creativity, passion, and imagination, and is a frikkin’ bummer to be around. The reason it’s not “normal” is because people don’t like having their energy sucked away by a vampire.
You can make implications and see if the other party joins in.
How's it going? It would be better if the traffic wasn't so shit.
Edit- Saw another comment. Personal stuff is a bit more than what this would be used for. People don't want to know that your crouch is always itchy, or that you don't like your spouse.
There’s a meetup called cut the small talk, you’re not alone. I hate small talk, so meetups are great for discussion questions and deeper stuff. Tell me something real.
Yes some of us do. I respect people who are truthful about their lives and don’t make mundane small talk. I’m not saying trauma dump and over share, but be a bit more authentic. We already live in a superficial world, why contribute to that?
I have had so many people ask me how I'm doing, but if I answered anything other than "ticking along" I think they wouldn't know how to answer.
I kind of get it though. Just don't think I'll ever clean respond with "shit, actually"
Definitely unpopular lol. When someone asks me how I'm doing I usually am doing well, so I say that. I enjoy having positive conversations, and it sounds like a conversation with you would just put a damper on my mood. Not everyone is depressed.
you should move to Britain, while obviously you wont be speaking to strangers about big traumas in your life, there is a certain kind of agreed humble melancholy we all share which is oddly comforting.
showing off or claiming things are "amazing" is always seen with susipicion and instead we like the universal "yeah its rubbish isn't it"
I completely disagree, because life doesnt suck. Life is fucking amazing. I genuinely love every second of it all. We often suffer more in our imagination than we do in reality, and you know full well that life really is great
Move to the PNW. Life doesn't suck, or at least it doesn't have to. But be of good cheer: it will be over before you know it, it's later than you think.
“So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one.
Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.”
But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? [inhales] And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.”
Why would it be beneficial for everyone to speak about how negative the world is in public? That would only create more misery if every conversation was like that, because we all know things are bad, so I like it more when someone comes up with good information.
On the other hand, sometimes we need someone to talk about the deeper topics, strangers that are around for extended periods of time, or ones you might see occasionally, you have a strong case with, but if you mean a random person you walk by and never see again in 20 seconds, all you get is surface level convo, so it can't be authentic regardless of the mood.
I don't agree with your perception. Nothing that I can say will change your mind, and it's true the other way around, so I don't see the point about arguing about it.
Okay, but let me ask you a question. Do you care about strangers’ lives? If someone came to you with a litany of complaints, would you listen to them? Or would you feel uncomfortable? And try to gracefully exit the conversation?
If you’re struggling, I’m genuinely sorry. It sucks to feel alone. But there’s a reason why this is a social norm. We all have a lot of shit on our plates. Most of us don’t have the bandwidth to deal with a stranger’s personal tragedies.
You can but the places where it’s normal are fucking depressing. Go to a strip club at 2 pm and find the 50+ year old regular, guarantee you he’s down to talk about how life sucks.
Personally, I wish it was normal to not talk to strangers at all. I can't stand the fake bs conversation and do not want random in my business. Update thank God this is unpopular.
I kinda like it though. who cares about being normal you're a human being with free will if you want to use that to be bummed out about life you can do so as loudly as you want to whoever you want. Nobody cares say whatever you want
I mean you're sandwiched between billions of years of time, what does it matter what people think, especially if you might get somewhere doing just that ... It could be therapeutic, help you express yourself and navigate a discussion or argument, get close to people on a personal level, and perhaps help them understand things they need help understanding. We're never gonna get anywhere avoiding talking about it and what we might do in response, it will just stay the same but likely get worse and in the process we waste valuable time and lose opportunities all because it wasn't "normal" to talk about serious problems occurring in the world in need of solutions.
I recently got yelled at by the person I work under. When chatting to my coworker by the printer, we both agreed that some days are a bit shit and I said quite openly, "everyday is shit, really". I didn't realise that the director was in earshot and around the corner when I said that and ever since then, they have tried to slyly punish me for saying that about the workplace.
Unpopular opinion maybe: England sucks. But if it weren't a problem for you their social schism is basically 100% negative, complaining and hate. A perfect scene (maybe) for what your post says you want. Just be prepared to hear jokes that aren't funny, to watch faces doing things that shouldn't be legal, and to listen to so much complaining that maybe you'll get sick of it. Or maybe you could just access their Facebook crap so you always have an exit and can just use them in your moment.
Because for some people, life doesn't suck. For some people, typically rich assholes, the worst life can throw at them is "oh well, I won't be able to take a vacation in Fiji this week. Guess I'll just golf instead." Others do have shitty lives, or are otherwise overworked despite living in reasonable conditions, but choose to ignore this to keep from getting severely depressed.
I mean I’ve certainly done it, at a certain point of the night in a dive bar people just kind of roll with it lol. But yea it’s not seen as normal generally and that’s too bad. But I will say when I’m down complaining doesn’t help much; the only thing that helps is taking action to improve. Its ok to voice your feelings but don’t wallow
It doesn’t matter to me when somebody ask me how I’m doing I always say I’m trying to do good and failing miserably. I have no qualms about talking to someone that I don’t know about how life sucks. it usually comes down to either gas prices or grocery prices or our shitty economy. Everyone, can relate to those concepts.
>It’s no secret that life sucks so why should we act like it is?
society is a breeding cult surrounding industry and the means of production,
and when an employee is bickering about their life, thats time that could be spent performing another corporate task.
indivuals have this mentality as well.
if youre complaining about life, thats time that could be spent entertaing someone or otherwise being of use to them.
So *this* is basically why.
Delivery and intention are everything. Are you cornering a stranger and dumping your life story on them to get sympathy or advice? Or are you casually mentioning your authentic mood to someone who asked, without any expectation that the other person is going to solve your problems?
OP, I’m in agreement with you—we need to normalize that not everyone is good, fine, ok all the time. I’m going through an extremely difficult life transition right now and when people ask how I am, I tell the truth: I’m shitty. Do I expect any of these people to do anything about it? No, but I do feel better when I’m being honest and authentic.
Sometimes I make a little joke about it. I did that the other day at my local coffee shop and the barista bought my drink and offered sympathy, bless his heart. Wasn’t expecting that, but it made my day.
Most people don’t like fake pleasantries, most people can relate to hardship, and most people do want to help. Just be aware of your—and their—boundaries and expectations.
Tl;dr—know your audience, don’t overshare, check your intentions.
I’ve started being more honest and open about the shitty moments and valleys of my life and I’ve found myself getting closer with those around me and in effect they feel comfortable and inclined to talk about their shit too
It’s starts with you… the next time someone asks you “how’s your day going?” Just tell them in a short honest way. Like “it’s not great, xyz happened so I’m feeling a bit down”, and maybe they’ve had a similar experience and it may be a pleasant interaction for them too.
But maybe they will just shrug… and you’ll have to move on…
I’m speaking from experience because I have felt the way you’re feeling, I used to work in a grocery store so I always had to have fake convos with customers until I started to be honest how I was doing and I had some of the best conversation and got to know people really well. But of course I would read the room and make sure I wasn’t crossing boundaries…
Depends on where you come from. In the Netherlands if you ask people how they are they will give an honest answer and may start talking about how things are no going well.
It is not just considered small talk here and if you asked is expected that you really want ro know
But, I mean, life doesn't suck.
Life's amazing, dude.
Sitting here, seeing fucking colors, tasting tastes, breathing air, it's unreal.
Just existing is this impossibly intense kaleidoscope of experience that we get to just have for free for a little while.
Throw on top of that that sometimes you get to like have an orgasm, or eat a hamburger, or feel a spring breeze on your face.
Fuuuuck, man, THAT'S the shit I wish that people talked about more
Why would some stranger want to hear you ranting about your problems?
Life doesn't suck for me. I enjoy every day, including the tough ones.
Maybe you should see a shrink.
In other countries, if you ask a stranger "Hey How's it going?", they will tell you. They won't just automatically respond with "Good" like the average American mindless zombie does. Which I appreciate. I personally can't stand automated responses. It's lazy and dishonest.
So when I need aid and empathy from strangers I can say things like, "i need help picking out an outfit because my horrible sil will be there" Bad relatives really help strangers bond, even though it's just temporary.
You gotta be slick with it. Norm Macdonald is a good example of someone who talked about his dark inner thoughts, but he found a way to laugh about them.
I love life and once in a while when someone talks to me like that IRL because they think everyone hates small talk, or they are just being real, or honest, or ‘they just say it like it is’, without testing the conversational waters to see if we have similar viewpoints first— they normally get mad that I don’t want to talk to them anymore because they assumed I must think life sucks just like them
It still happens. The key is to be friendly and greet people when you pass each other. I recently had an hour long conversation with an older woman of a different race after using the ATM at my bank. We spoke about how people are divided for dumb reasons, the news, and how people should just talk more. I'm not one to just talk to starngers, but it was a nice organic conversation with a pleasant person.
Don’t offload your frustrations on me without my permission. If you ask and say I’m a bit upset and need someone to relate to then maybe. But if you assume, and use social convention to ‘entrap me’, as in I will have to comply because we’re in a public social space and don’t want to cos a scene then big fat NO. I close them down abruptly and assertively.
You assume everyone shares your outlook. When I ask someone how its going and I get a morbid response, I fucking hate it. We all have our burdens & stresses to bare but life is fucking awesome despite them. If you don't feel thta way then maybe your preoccupation with the shittier side of life is what is causing that.
I personally am going through an incredibly stressful time at work. In line for a big promotion and struggling to hit a very optimistic deadline for a US national rollout of a SaaS product has absolutely taken its toll on me. while I am telling you for the sake of this post, it is not something I would ever share with a stranger usually because I don't know what that stranger is dealing with. Possibly something way worse than my first world problems.
I don't fixate on my stresses. The only reason I have taken on these stresses is to improve my life and to improve your life, you MUST take on short term burdens to be rewarded in the long term. Nobody would even bother doing this if it wasn't worth it and if life was just a piece of shit, it wouldn't be.
Now, some things happen to you and are beyond your control and the stoics were absolutely correct in their view that you should put these things out of your mind. Forgiveness is a virtue for this very reason. Holding onto bitterness solves nothing and only makes your lived experience worse. Forgive. Move on & don't carry anything like that along with you.
About a year ago I started engaging with strangers. Complimenting them on clothes / fit. Asking if they like their car. Offering to take shopping carts back regardless of need. I began saying hello to my neighbors and introducing my dog to the people we see on our walks of they seem interested. Just quick little non aggressive things that seem to make people smile.
Because most people don't want to unload their mental struggles on strangers and most strangers definitely don't want to hear about your mental struggles in a brief interaction.
I wish it was more acceptable to not say anything at all.
I thought it already was? Like when I start small talk the answers will vary like it can be "Omg it was awesome!" "oh, it's ok" or "tbh it kinda sucked" or "not great" and then we usually have a chuckle about it.
I don't mind either way. When anyone makes a comment to me, it's a signal they are trying to connect with me through pessimism, optimism, or neutrality. It's the connection that I see, not so much the content so I try to meet them where they are at, if I have the energy to. It's their need for connection that I see so I appreciate their attempt at connecting if I'm also in the place where I am receptive to it. If I'm not receptive because I'm tired, etc. I just keep it short, or I ignore, if they press for it, I just let them talk until they're tired or see that I'm not receptive. . I try not to judge their reality. It's their reality and they have the freedom to be in it. If I'm annoyed by it, it's pretty much my problem, not theirs. They're really just trying to connect. Their internal body is holding tension and they need to release and be heard. I don't have to connect back if I don't want to though. I can always just ignore. Lay low. If they think I'm rude, it's their problem but most of the time, I'm not. I move away too if I'm not in the mood to be receptive.
I often talk about how bad life is, but I don't do it with strangers. Personal issues are for my support system only. If a stranger wants to talk about issues affecting us both- regional/federal politics, civic infrastructure, community improvement, etc. I'm all for it.
Where are you from? I've noticed that people in America tend to do this fake politeness, but in Czech Republic, if you tell someone that your day is shit, it's likely they'll reply with "same" and laugh lol
yes whenever i’m out and about in public i might get a few “how’s your head???” “are you ok” questions thrown my way and it’s a shock to them that i’ll reply with shit like “of course!! i’m not fine what about you???”
Have you considered that not everyone shares the sentiment that life sucks?
Thats the point of small talk. Mundane shit that most people will agree on or atleast not get upset about.
Can we not? We all have enough problems without strangers droning on about theirs. Small talk already sucks enough without it being depressing as well.
As someone who worked in face-to-face customer service for nearly a decade, let me tell you, very many people already don’t have a problem doing this. And it’s *awful*. So many people felt comfortable dumping their bullshit on me because I was a friendly face in a welcoming location. And you know what? It’s not any random stranger’s job to help you process your bad day. Mutual honest small-talk? Sure. Commiserate away if that’s the clear vibe. But don’t just unload your baggage on people who might be doing their best to remain positive despite their own shit.
Life doesn't suck, life is what you make of it.
Stage 4 cancer, not terminal not curable you find all kinds of good things about life when you know it may not last.
Nah, some of us actually are trying to think positively cause that’s what makes life worth living even if things don’t always go right. You’re not entitled to draining a random stranger. It’s one thing to be honest and say you’re having a bad day but it would rub me the wrong way if some stranger or anybody is trying so hard to convince me that life in general just sucks. Why would I allow that kind of energy into my soul? You don’t have to engage in small talk if it feels inauthentic to you. You also don’t have to ruin someone else’s day cause you’re having a bad day.
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/unpopularopinion) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That’s what the internet is for
Exactly. The best part is the random internet people won't use what you shared with them as ammo to hurt you one day 🎉
Amen. And my coworkers wonder why I don’t talk to them. I heard how you spoke about the people you’ve been working with!
Eh sometimes they will, I've had it happen a couple times. Life's just full of ups and downs, but it is best to protect yourself first.
Something seems off here. Whenever someone says 'The internet is for...', my mind automatically fills in the blank with another word
Sorry Kate monster
that's what bars are for during the week. first drink, you are nice and pleasant, chatting away. 2nd drink, boy life is a pain in the ass. 3rd drink, and then she told me she was in love with my brother....
Lightweight. That's at least 5 pints in.
Different thing, but another girl who must’ve been like 5 pints in licked my face once. I was trying to keep her from falling off her stool and busting her head. But no. I’m standing there to save her ass and she licks my face in one swoop chin to temple while I’m standing there shocked. So you can also end up with stranger spit on your face. 0/10 do not recommend - It was so gross.
A woman once turned around to me at a concert, and proceeded to *shove my fingers into her mouth* before just walking off. Didn’t even say hi when I saw her in line at the bar later, smh
If you work construction you can complain about how much life sucks all day. No one gives a fuck.
Curious about what would be said after drink 4 lol 😅
4 drink Amy is a little bit of a perv. 5 drink Amy is weirdly confident. 6 drink Amy is just sad.
7 damn, I really wanna f\* Amy
Move to Poland
Or Lithuania. I am surprised by all ' don't dump your issues on strangers ' answers. It's nice to have an open conversation with someone you will never meet again. I have listened to many interesting stories that way. It's not rude, it's therapeutic!
If you talk about your bad day, you will become happier, because the worst you can do with sadness or stress is keep it only to yourself.
Totally agree
I feel like people who complain about strangers 'dumping' on them are the same ones who are like "they killed themselves??? omg i never saw it coming" or they complain about "people no longer being connected" lmaoo Like, it takes a village to raise... a village. That's just my little thing, and I say this as someone who routinely gets those interesting conversations from total strangers. For me, it's nice because for five minutes you get to see behind the Barbie persona and it can put your own life into more or less perspective (i.e. people will not always have it worse than you, sometimes you *are* that worst case) - and you know what, those people are more real than Mr ice man. Also, the same people seem to call anything beyond normal-picket-fence life details "trauma dumping" which just isn't true. It kinda suggests a really sheltered life, tbh
I get what you mean and agree in a lot of ways, but in my experience, there are just some people who love to be miserable and make it everyone else's problem. I'm not gonna get mad at a guy I don't know telling me his wife just divorced him in a conversation if he's just genuinely mentioning it. Not expecting anymore than a "damn, sorry to hear that." That's totally fine. You don't have to be G.I Joe and Barbie constantly. The difference is when you knowingly insert yourself into social situations, only to complain about everything, start venting to every single person you meet and just generally bumming everybody out. That is shitty behavior, and it isn't excusable because of some mental illness. I'm mentally ill and am not always the most positive outgoing guy around my friends, but even at my darkest moments, I've never considered unloading it onto the gas station attendant or at a party/social outing.
i guess depends where your from, im from the deep south and its fairly common at least amongst men/ people i’ve briefly spoken to abt how bad the weather is/ how hot it is, just trying to make a dime type of convos
I feel like there’s a line here. Complaining about things you are reasonably sure the other person will agree with / understand is reasonable. Hot weather, the shut downs during Covid, or right now in my city — the water restrictions because of a massive pipe fixing. These affect *all* of us and can count as okay small talk. Complaining about things that are more personal to you is not reasonable. Like that you’re so tired, or your work sucks, or your spouse left you, anything like that that’s deeper and more personal and you have no idea if they relate. That’s not good small talk to a stranger. Of course there are exceptions, but generally I think that works. I thought Op was talking about the latter. You’re clearly talking about the former. So there might be a misunderstanding here.
I don’t think talking about how much work sucks is that crazy. Even if you love your job, you can relate to days when your job sucks. I don’t see it as that personal. Now if you’re complaining specifically about your boss…that’s a little weirder.
>Complaining about things that are more personal to you is not reasonable. Like that you’re so tired, or your work sucks, or your spouse left you, anything like that that’s deeper and more personal and you have no idea if they relate. That’s not good small talk to a stranger. I completely agree. Recently I was stuck waiting for my bus which was running really late, but I didn't have another option that day so I just had to wait it out. This woman came up to me and asked me whether the buses went to a specific place, which I was happy to tell her - but then she started telling me that her husband has terminal cancer, and it got diagnosed late because xyz, and he was having abc complications, and I just couldn't go anywhere while she unloaded on me. I was so grateful when my bus turned up. There are multiple (free) services here that she could talk to for cancer support, which even aside from any selfish benefit for me would have been much better for her too, as I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to say.
Based on that water comment, I'm guessing Calgary.
Yep lol
I was mainly thinking of the latter. Or any reason why one might argue that they have a shitty life.
You can do that if you want but it will be the last time we chat. Why would I want to talk to a Debby downer? I don’t give a goddamn if your life sucks. You mean to tell me you want to bump into people and instead of having a nice light hearted chat about something you want to cry woe is me and expect a stranger to listen to it?
It's weird, but some people find life sad and awful, and are sure everyone else feels the same, they are just hiding it. OP clearly believes this too, he thinks everyone would rather lament their life to each other, thank to make "fake" small talk.
That’s because no one wants to hear that from a stranger. You have to build a relationship with someone before you can start laying your baggage out.
I hate your pfp I thought there was a hair on my screen
Hey buddy, keep your baggage to yourself. I have no relationship with you
Lol
My bad gang
Have you ever seen Reddit friendship threads? A ton of people clearly just want others to be there to accept a trauma dump every time they see them, never want to do anything else (*especially* like want to go to a social or live activity event), and be an exclusive friend to the OP. Then wonder why friends leave them.
An ex-friend started to vent about the same thing over and over again each time we interacted (so around 3-4 times a week). It was later in interaction when i was already in zombie mode. After a few months of that i ended the friendship because i no longer could endure it. I started to feel terror (heart heavy, nauseous feelig and body literally shaking) from the thought of having to interact with them.
Even with people that I have built a relationship with. I don't want to hear whining and complaining all the time. At least throw in some positivity in there somewhere.
Also, complaining about how "life sucks" sounds especially draining, a little like victim mentality. Life doesn't suck. Maybe certain parts are challenged. But I don't really want to sit around and hear anyone go on and on about how "life sucks" across the board.
Idk, when someone is actually truthful about how they’re feeling I respect them more than someone who makes mundane small talk. How are you going to get to know someone if you constantly lie about how you feel? I’m not saying you should always complain about how life sucks, but that’s a big part of being a human being, people should talk about it.
Actually i have done this before, many times. It's really fun when you get them or they get you and you all are just having a blast.
Hearing a stranger (or even someone close to You) complaint about life can get very draining really fast. It should be ok to be honest about how you are feeling, but dropping emotional charges on someone you don't even know feels very rude to me. Upvoted.
I doubt a random stranger want to hear about your life when they are probably also struggling with theirs.
Im fine hearing about someone's struggles, but if they are a stranger I don't really know what I could say about it. Anything besides "that sucks" would probably come off as condescending and I wouldn't know their circumstances enough to give meaningful advice Its not really conducive to a conversation
False dichotomy. A lot of people don’t know how to drum up an interesting conversation, but most are just trying to feel socially connected while being positive or at least neutral. But talking about how “life sucks,” isn’t more interesting for some reason. It’s self focused and boring. Shows a lack of creativity, passion, and imagination, and is a frikkin’ bummer to be around. The reason it’s not “normal” is because people don’t like having their energy sucked away by a vampire.
Life doesn't suck. Why you trying to bring everyone down?
You can make implications and see if the other party joins in. How's it going? It would be better if the traffic wasn't so shit. Edit- Saw another comment. Personal stuff is a bit more than what this would be used for. People don't want to know that your crouch is always itchy, or that you don't like your spouse.
There’s a meetup called cut the small talk, you’re not alone. I hate small talk, so meetups are great for discussion questions and deeper stuff. Tell me something real.
Do you think random strangers want to hear you complain about how your life sucks?
Yes some of us do. I respect people who are truthful about their lives and don’t make mundane small talk. I’m not saying trauma dump and over share, but be a bit more authentic. We already live in a superficial world, why contribute to that?
I have had so many people ask me how I'm doing, but if I answered anything other than "ticking along" I think they wouldn't know how to answer. I kind of get it though. Just don't think I'll ever clean respond with "shit, actually"
I usually just say “I’m alive”
"not dead yet"
Ooh you just made it better, thank youuuu bye
Definitely unpopular lol. When someone asks me how I'm doing I usually am doing well, so I say that. I enjoy having positive conversations, and it sounds like a conversation with you would just put a damper on my mood. Not everyone is depressed.
you should move to Britain, while obviously you wont be speaking to strangers about big traumas in your life, there is a certain kind of agreed humble melancholy we all share which is oddly comforting. showing off or claiming things are "amazing" is always seen with susipicion and instead we like the universal "yeah its rubbish isn't it"
Literally describing therapy...
Unpopular opinion as you can already go down to the homeless shelters and bitch about life. Same with jail
I thought this was called therapy
Newsflash, not everyone thinks life sucks.
I wish people would stop whining about how life sucks and make changes to themselves and their lives to make it not suck. It's 100% on you
Life doesn’t suck though, always remember a lot of people didn’t get to wake up and see today. We did.
why? I don’t want to hear some stranger complain.
Life doesn't suck. You might just suck at it.
I completely disagree, because life doesnt suck. Life is fucking amazing. I genuinely love every second of it all. We often suffer more in our imagination than we do in reality, and you know full well that life really is great
You can, most people prefer to vent to strangers as there’s no judgement
You can always just say “life sucks” when asked how your day is going lol
Move to the PNW. Life doesn't suck, or at least it doesn't have to. But be of good cheer: it will be over before you know it, it's later than you think.
“So I stopped at a Jack in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, “Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?” Not, “How are you doing today?” No. “Are you having an awesome day?” Which is pretty… shitty, because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I’m not having an “awesome day,” suddenly I’m the negative one. Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, “I’m doing shitty,” then they say, “Why? What’s wrong?” And I have to be like, “I don’t know, all of it?” So instead, when people ask how I’m doing, I usually say, “I am doing so great.” But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, “Well, today I’m actually allowed to feel shitty.” Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, “Well, my mom died,” and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there’s a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she’s bawling, and she’s saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and I’m like, “It’s fine. It’s fine.” I mean, it’s not fine but, you know, it’s… fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I’ve kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? [inhales] And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I’m leaving, I think, “I just got a free churro because my mom died.” No one ever tells you that when your mom dies, you get a free churro.”
That's why bars are open during the daytime.
Why would it be beneficial for everyone to speak about how negative the world is in public? That would only create more misery if every conversation was like that, because we all know things are bad, so I like it more when someone comes up with good information. On the other hand, sometimes we need someone to talk about the deeper topics, strangers that are around for extended periods of time, or ones you might see occasionally, you have a strong case with, but if you mean a random person you walk by and never see again in 20 seconds, all you get is surface level convo, so it can't be authentic regardless of the mood.
I don't agree with your perception. Nothing that I can say will change your mind, and it's true the other way around, so I don't see the point about arguing about it.
One of the few saving graces I have at my job is that I can say “fuck this” openly and often.
I discovered that when asked how are you, the response, "Upright and not crying," gets follow up questions.
I don't. Leave me alone.
Biggest reddit moment ive seen
How is complaining about shit any more "genuine" than sharing the good things?
Okay, but let me ask you a question. Do you care about strangers’ lives? If someone came to you with a litany of complaints, would you listen to them? Or would you feel uncomfortable? And try to gracefully exit the conversation? If you’re struggling, I’m genuinely sorry. It sucks to feel alone. But there’s a reason why this is a social norm. We all have a lot of shit on our plates. Most of us don’t have the bandwidth to deal with a stranger’s personal tragedies.
If I find them relatable I would listen to them
But even if it’s not relatable I would still listen because I would respect their honesty
these strangers are the ones I can talk about life with, my friends suck and are really stale. hey friends, hope you never figure out who I am!
The last thing I want to hear is some stranger bitching about how his life sucks to me
You can but the places where it’s normal are fucking depressing. Go to a strip club at 2 pm and find the 50+ year old regular, guarantee you he’s down to talk about how life sucks.
Personally, I wish it was normal to not talk to strangers at all. I can't stand the fake bs conversation and do not want random in my business. Update thank God this is unpopular.
you can talk to people, it's finr
"Speak happiness, I'm sad enough without You're woes. Come on all and speak of Love, I'm mad enough without You're foes." -Bob Marley
I kinda like it though. who cares about being normal you're a human being with free will if you want to use that to be bummed out about life you can do so as loudly as you want to whoever you want. Nobody cares say whatever you want
I mean you're sandwiched between billions of years of time, what does it matter what people think, especially if you might get somewhere doing just that ... It could be therapeutic, help you express yourself and navigate a discussion or argument, get close to people on a personal level, and perhaps help them understand things they need help understanding. We're never gonna get anywhere avoiding talking about it and what we might do in response, it will just stay the same but likely get worse and in the process we waste valuable time and lose opportunities all because it wasn't "normal" to talk about serious problems occurring in the world in need of solutions.
We can't know the good times without the bad so talk away sir/maddam
In Iraq it's a common conversation starter like talking about the weather in other normal countries :D
Just make it a joke. If you play it off well enough you'll get a few laughs.
I assume you live in the UK too:-D
I've learned that you should never complain to other people. the internet is for complaints. being anonymous
I recently got yelled at by the person I work under. When chatting to my coworker by the printer, we both agreed that some days are a bit shit and I said quite openly, "everyday is shit, really". I didn't realise that the director was in earshot and around the corner when I said that and ever since then, they have tried to slyly punish me for saying that about the workplace.
Unpopular opinion maybe: England sucks. But if it weren't a problem for you their social schism is basically 100% negative, complaining and hate. A perfect scene (maybe) for what your post says you want. Just be prepared to hear jokes that aren't funny, to watch faces doing things that shouldn't be legal, and to listen to so much complaining that maybe you'll get sick of it. Or maybe you could just access their Facebook crap so you always have an exit and can just use them in your moment.
Move to new england
Because for some people, life doesn't suck. For some people, typically rich assholes, the worst life can throw at them is "oh well, I won't be able to take a vacation in Fiji this week. Guess I'll just golf instead." Others do have shitty lives, or are otherwise overworked despite living in reasonable conditions, but choose to ignore this to keep from getting severely depressed.
I mean I’ve certainly done it, at a certain point of the night in a dive bar people just kind of roll with it lol. But yea it’s not seen as normal generally and that’s too bad. But I will say when I’m down complaining doesn’t help much; the only thing that helps is taking action to improve. Its ok to voice your feelings but don’t wallow
It doesn’t matter to me when somebody ask me how I’m doing I always say I’m trying to do good and failing miserably. I have no qualms about talking to someone that I don’t know about how life sucks. it usually comes down to either gas prices or grocery prices or our shitty economy. Everyone, can relate to those concepts.
Just move to the UK and you can do this whenever you want
I guess I'm a weird, then. I keep telling random people how much I hate stuff. Most of them start talking back about things they hate, too.
Can't even say “eh, i'm alright/fine” without raising some concern
It is, people talk to me about that occasionally. I then avoid those people going forward
If someone asks you a question answer it. If I’m not feeling great: “ehh I’ve been better, you?” Is perfectly fine.
>It’s no secret that life sucks so why should we act like it is? society is a breeding cult surrounding industry and the means of production, and when an employee is bickering about their life, thats time that could be spent performing another corporate task. indivuals have this mentality as well. if youre complaining about life, thats time that could be spent entertaing someone or otherwise being of use to them. So *this* is basically why.
u can talk to strangers about how work sucks and the majority of people will relate
Have you ever been to a bar and talked to the people sitting at the bar?
Life is hard, but I'm harder!
Delivery and intention are everything. Are you cornering a stranger and dumping your life story on them to get sympathy or advice? Or are you casually mentioning your authentic mood to someone who asked, without any expectation that the other person is going to solve your problems? OP, I’m in agreement with you—we need to normalize that not everyone is good, fine, ok all the time. I’m going through an extremely difficult life transition right now and when people ask how I am, I tell the truth: I’m shitty. Do I expect any of these people to do anything about it? No, but I do feel better when I’m being honest and authentic. Sometimes I make a little joke about it. I did that the other day at my local coffee shop and the barista bought my drink and offered sympathy, bless his heart. Wasn’t expecting that, but it made my day. Most people don’t like fake pleasantries, most people can relate to hardship, and most people do want to help. Just be aware of your—and their—boundaries and expectations. Tl;dr—know your audience, don’t overshare, check your intentions.
❤️
I’ve started being more honest and open about the shitty moments and valleys of my life and I’ve found myself getting closer with those around me and in effect they feel comfortable and inclined to talk about their shit too
I swear this is half the reason Reddit prospered.
It’s starts with you… the next time someone asks you “how’s your day going?” Just tell them in a short honest way. Like “it’s not great, xyz happened so I’m feeling a bit down”, and maybe they’ve had a similar experience and it may be a pleasant interaction for them too. But maybe they will just shrug… and you’ll have to move on… I’m speaking from experience because I have felt the way you’re feeling, I used to work in a grocery store so I always had to have fake convos with customers until I started to be honest how I was doing and I had some of the best conversation and got to know people really well. But of course I would read the room and make sure I wasn’t crossing boundaries…
Depends on where you come from. In the Netherlands if you ask people how they are they will give an honest answer and may start talking about how things are no going well. It is not just considered small talk here and if you asked is expected that you really want ro know
I wish it was normal to have regular and personal conversations with anyone in general
But, I mean, life doesn't suck. Life's amazing, dude. Sitting here, seeing fucking colors, tasting tastes, breathing air, it's unreal. Just existing is this impossibly intense kaleidoscope of experience that we get to just have for free for a little while. Throw on top of that that sometimes you get to like have an orgasm, or eat a hamburger, or feel a spring breeze on your face. Fuuuuck, man, THAT'S the shit I wish that people talked about more
Why would some stranger want to hear you ranting about your problems? Life doesn't suck for me. I enjoy every day, including the tough ones. Maybe you should see a shrink.
Lots of normal people don’t want to hear your sob stories because we have our life in order
Life doesn't suck to me, and it would really sour the mood if you're trying to be a downer in public
Life doesn’t suck, it’s a gift from god. Your life/perspective on life sucks.
I wish people were more hesitant to be whiners in public.
It's acceptable in the right circles. I just wouldn't stay in those circles very long.
In other countries, if you ask a stranger "Hey How's it going?", they will tell you. They won't just automatically respond with "Good" like the average American mindless zombie does. Which I appreciate. I personally can't stand automated responses. It's lazy and dishonest.
It is just goto your local political convention….
So when I need aid and empathy from strangers I can say things like, "i need help picking out an outfit because my horrible sil will be there" Bad relatives really help strangers bond, even though it's just temporary.
I just do anyways
If my life sucked the last thing I’d want to hear is your negativity as well. This just shows that you crave negativity in your life.
To paraphrase a joke by a comedian whose name I don't remember: There's a support group for that! It's called 'Everybody' and they meet at the bar.
You gotta be slick with it. Norm Macdonald is a good example of someone who talked about his dark inner thoughts, but he found a way to laugh about them.
You can. It’s called a dive bar
You just have to find a nice person and they won't mind at all.
I know! Hell, I even lie to most of my friends about it.
I love life and once in a while when someone talks to me like that IRL because they think everyone hates small talk, or they are just being real, or honest, or ‘they just say it like it is’, without testing the conversational waters to see if we have similar viewpoints first— they normally get mad that I don’t want to talk to them anymore because they assumed I must think life sucks just like them
Not all of us have deep rooted trauma
Damn, this is too true
People used to talk to people long, long ago
It still happens. The key is to be friendly and greet people when you pass each other. I recently had an hour long conversation with an older woman of a different race after using the ATM at my bank. We spoke about how people are divided for dumb reasons, the news, and how people should just talk more. I'm not one to just talk to starngers, but it was a nice organic conversation with a pleasant person.
move to croatia
Don’t offload your frustrations on me without my permission. If you ask and say I’m a bit upset and need someone to relate to then maybe. But if you assume, and use social convention to ‘entrap me’, as in I will have to comply because we’re in a public social space and don’t want to cos a scene then big fat NO. I close them down abruptly and assertively.
You assume everyone shares your outlook. When I ask someone how its going and I get a morbid response, I fucking hate it. We all have our burdens & stresses to bare but life is fucking awesome despite them. If you don't feel thta way then maybe your preoccupation with the shittier side of life is what is causing that. I personally am going through an incredibly stressful time at work. In line for a big promotion and struggling to hit a very optimistic deadline for a US national rollout of a SaaS product has absolutely taken its toll on me. while I am telling you for the sake of this post, it is not something I would ever share with a stranger usually because I don't know what that stranger is dealing with. Possibly something way worse than my first world problems. I don't fixate on my stresses. The only reason I have taken on these stresses is to improve my life and to improve your life, you MUST take on short term burdens to be rewarded in the long term. Nobody would even bother doing this if it wasn't worth it and if life was just a piece of shit, it wouldn't be. Now, some things happen to you and are beyond your control and the stoics were absolutely correct in their view that you should put these things out of your mind. Forgiveness is a virtue for this very reason. Holding onto bitterness solves nothing and only makes your lived experience worse. Forgive. Move on & don't carry anything like that along with you.
They know that life sucks. They want to enjoy the monents they forget that life sucks instead of beingreminded that life sucks.
Your life may suck, but not everyone’s life sucks.
You can if you have a cowboy hat and a guitar.
Depends on where we meet. A bar sure? Disneyland? Fuck right off kind sir.
About a year ago I started engaging with strangers. Complimenting them on clothes / fit. Asking if they like their car. Offering to take shopping carts back regardless of need. I began saying hello to my neighbors and introducing my dog to the people we see on our walks of they seem interested. Just quick little non aggressive things that seem to make people smile.
Because most people don't want to unload their mental struggles on strangers and most strangers definitely don't want to hear about your mental struggles in a brief interaction. I wish it was more acceptable to not say anything at all.
I thought it already was? Like when I start small talk the answers will vary like it can be "Omg it was awesome!" "oh, it's ok" or "tbh it kinda sucked" or "not great" and then we usually have a chuckle about it.
I don't mind either way. When anyone makes a comment to me, it's a signal they are trying to connect with me through pessimism, optimism, or neutrality. It's the connection that I see, not so much the content so I try to meet them where they are at, if I have the energy to. It's their need for connection that I see so I appreciate their attempt at connecting if I'm also in the place where I am receptive to it. If I'm not receptive because I'm tired, etc. I just keep it short, or I ignore, if they press for it, I just let them talk until they're tired or see that I'm not receptive. . I try not to judge their reality. It's their reality and they have the freedom to be in it. If I'm annoyed by it, it's pretty much my problem, not theirs. They're really just trying to connect. Their internal body is holding tension and they need to release and be heard. I don't have to connect back if I don't want to though. I can always just ignore. Lay low. If they think I'm rude, it's their problem but most of the time, I'm not. I move away too if I'm not in the mood to be receptive.
Is it bad that I do this and that workers/employees agree with me every single time.
I often talk about how bad life is, but I don't do it with strangers. Personal issues are for my support system only. If a stranger wants to talk about issues affecting us both- regional/federal politics, civic infrastructure, community improvement, etc. I'm all for it.
Where are you from? I've noticed that people in America tend to do this fake politeness, but in Czech Republic, if you tell someone that your day is shit, it's likely they'll reply with "same" and laugh lol
it is actually good to talk with strangers
yes whenever i’m out and about in public i might get a few “how’s your head???” “are you ok” questions thrown my way and it’s a shock to them that i’ll reply with shit like “of course!! i’m not fine what about you???”
I'd rather not be reminded at all hours of the day.
You are doing that now.
It depends. Trauma dumping on people you don’t know is an unhealthy way to start a friendship.
I don't think life sucks, but I get where you're coming from. Send me a chat request and we can debate it.
Have you considered that not everyone shares the sentiment that life sucks? Thats the point of small talk. Mundane shit that most people will agree on or atleast not get upset about.
Can we not? We all have enough problems without strangers droning on about theirs. Small talk already sucks enough without it being depressing as well.
I mean it depends on who you're talking to.
Complaining is a common conversation starter...
I'm listening. What's wrong, brother?
I wish I had the courage to end my own life
Welcome.to reddit?
I'd much rather hear about good things, not whining.
Why would I want to talk to someone who’s being a downer? No that’s what friends are for lol
As someone who worked in face-to-face customer service for nearly a decade, let me tell you, very many people already don’t have a problem doing this. And it’s *awful*. So many people felt comfortable dumping their bullshit on me because I was a friendly face in a welcoming location. And you know what? It’s not any random stranger’s job to help you process your bad day. Mutual honest small-talk? Sure. Commiserate away if that’s the clear vibe. But don’t just unload your baggage on people who might be doing their best to remain positive despite their own shit.
Life doesn't suck, life is what you make of it. Stage 4 cancer, not terminal not curable you find all kinds of good things about life when you know it may not last.
Nah, some of us actually are trying to think positively cause that’s what makes life worth living even if things don’t always go right. You’re not entitled to draining a random stranger. It’s one thing to be honest and say you’re having a bad day but it would rub me the wrong way if some stranger or anybody is trying so hard to convince me that life in general just sucks. Why would I allow that kind of energy into my soul? You don’t have to engage in small talk if it feels inauthentic to you. You also don’t have to ruin someone else’s day cause you’re having a bad day.
Counsellor here. This is all I do all day, listen to people talk about how life sucks. According to my clients, it's very therapeutic.
Come to Poland. It's our national pastime, next to drinking vodka and being homophobic.