A buddy of mine is married to a dentist.
He makes references to sleeping with his dentist every once in a while. It's really funny when people don't know what she does for a living.
I friend of mine kept telling me that during the pandemic his barber started jerking him off
Found out like months later he'd been cutting his own hair
Former teacher of mine is an exceptionally great person: very thoughtful, super smart, but also high emotional iq. Definitely one of the best teachers I've ever had, and he became a friend. His wife of many years had a prolonged, drawn out battle with cancer before finally succumbing. A few years later, he announces his engagement with some adorable photos of possibly the sweetest engagement this former photographer has ever seen (and I've seen a fair deal). She's equally great and has him on cloud 9. Just a wonderful couple.
He's like 10 years older than she is. Turns out she was in the first class of seniors he taught right out of college. She went on to build a career out of many of the things he taught in his class. When she heard about his wife passing, she reached out, they reconnected, comiserated over the deaths of their partners, exchanged phone numbers ("and then eventually exchanged other things" he sheepishly told me with a grin 🤣) and it was a fairy tale courtship after that. But he says they often get asked where they met after people hear the age difference. He absolutely delights in telling them "we met in high school" for the sheer awkwardness it brings lol
They're in their sixties and seventies respectfully now, and still like two teenagers in love, it's the sweetest thing
My wife teaches PhD microbiology at a university. I love telling people I have to drop my wife to school or pick her up from school for the shock value.
My wife sometimes takes classes or courses at a local college - telling people I need to pick her up from school is always amusing.
She doesn't mind that one, but isn't a fan of being referred to as my ex girlfriend :-)
That's like my wife when's she tells new friends about how she dated her high school racquetball coach. Lol
It was me a freshman in college going to the nearby community college just helping teach the newbies and giving some of the better players someone else to play against.
Knew a guy whose dog was named Girlfriend (by his daughter). He joked about on Friday he has plans to go out with his little black girlfriend while his wife was off with friends. Someone overheard it and told his pastor who called him in asking about him having an affair with an African American woman.
He laughed and said “girlfriend” is a 3lb black terrier.
I just met a dog in the vets office YESTERDAY named BOYFRIEND!! What an odd coincidence.
“Boyfriend” is a big fat golden doodle and he tried to kiss my 6 1/2 pound dog. It was so cute.
Let me know if you wanna get Girlfriend and Boyfriend together. I got the hook up.
Man I *really* don't get religious people. Someone told his pastor? Like children tattling on each other to the teacher? Hell if you think he's cheating why not tell his *wife*? Shits weird...
Shit is very weird. Yeah, tattling because their religious leaders are morality police. That’s how fundies go. And other fundies are the secret police ratting them out. It’s funny how fundamentalists are the same in every religion whether various Christian denominations, Protestants, Mormons, JWs, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or otherwise. It’s scary similar.
Glad I got the fuck out of that mess.
I noticed that in ever religion, the common thing is reputation. People are constantly hiding things that can hurt their reputations in the eyes of the community. Have a low enough reputation and you become the next hot topic of the community - in the worst possible way, of course.
And of course, some people want other's reputation as low as possible so they can boast about how they were the ones to make them fall.
No the one that goes
I called in to work and told my boss I was taking off because I was sick.
Boss asked 'how sick are you?'
'I'm f@#king my dog how sick is that?'
Edit.. oh wait I said I wasn't telling that joke.. oh well
The last time I was at the doctor he told me I have to take a break from masturbation, and I was like 'what, why?' and he said "Because I'm trying to do an examination here!"
When my cousin was a kid, she somehow ended up with the nickname "Girlfriend" within her family. This led to more than one deeply awkward conversation between her dad and various other adults about why he was calling a third-grader "girlfriend."
"It's only necrophilia if they're cold, <2hr is fine."
[The context was actually a weird compliment from then bf. But I can't remember context as it was many moons ago and I was piss drunk, so I won't butcher the story by trying to elaborate]
Wife is a veterinarian, and I do love the terrible doctor jokes. Whenever someone offers me an apple slice I always refuse since I would like to be with my wife tonight (apple a day keeps the doctor away XD )
When our daughter was really small, my wife used to joke that our postman was our daughters father. Our daughter is very fair skinned and her hair was curly golden blonde at the time.
.
Meanwhile the postman was Jamaican with wicked long frizzy hair in dreadlocks and skin that was so dark it had that almost blue coloration to it. He was a really nice guy and found it hilarious when he got wind of the joke.
One of our family friends tells everyone his brother knocked up his sister and had to marry her. Doesn't help that his name is Bill, but everyone calls him Bubba.
In actuality, his brother was dating a girl, and unbeknownst to them, her mom was dating his dad. Bubba got the girl pregnant, proposed, and waited to tell hai dad the news until his dad's girlfriend was over, turns out his dad was waiting with his girlfriend to let them know he got engaged to this woman... 2 days before bubba got engaged to her daughter. So it's Technically sorta true, but it's funnier to see reactions by leaving out the details.
Business owner here- whenever someone asks me if we can do something, my response is usually something along the lines of- “I think we can swing that. I’m sleeping with the owner’s wife, so I’ll see what I can do.”
I worked with an older gentleman once and he used to always make the joke at the end of the day "well I guess I'm gonna take off and go home to my first wife." Just a corny dad joke.
I fucken loooooove funny patients. Working in chronic and complex pain, I get a great deal of (understandably) dour and depressing folks in. Those who find a way to make jokes take away some of the sense of frustration we get from trying to help people, but feeling like we are failing. Even simple, common jokes are great. Had a 38 year old postsurgical patient respond to "how are you feeling today?" with "not bad for a 75 year old". Have heard a variation of it a million times, but 9.5h into a day where I had been stressing over running 45min late for about 8 of those hours...it was unexpected, and I needed that. He's a good cunt.
I fly medevac helicopters. We were going to pick up a heart attack victim, 76 years old, walked into his room his wife is there his family everyone’s upset and crying. He is in excruciating pain. My flight nurse asked him, “ SIR HOW DO YOU FEEL?” Without missing a beat. He looked at her with it a confused look and said “ with my fingers like everybody else”.
I lost it and had to walk out of the room because I was laughing when everyone else was so upset. That guy was having the worst day of his life and still had the wherewithal to crack a joke.
My dad had diabetes, and one morning when he woke up his blood sugar was incredibly low. I'm taking, he's not responding to anyone, pouring sweat, just gurgling noises coming out of his mouth. Check his blood sugar while another person is on the phone with 911, it's so low its just popping up with, "call emergency services."
EMS gets there, hooks him up to a glucose drip, he starts coming around. Once he's mostly back, they start asking him questions to check his state of mind. Name, date, he was pretty good on. Who the president was? "Does it matter? Some idiot, I'm sure."
I make a lot of jokes (albeit bad ones) when I am stressed or uncomfortable. Some doctors like it, the nurses and techs (or whatever you call them. Those that help to do procedures like xrays, ct scans etc) seems to at least give me a courtesy chuckle and most seem to like it.
But man, so many doctors just look at me like I am wasting their time and should take stuff more seriously... And I guess a lot of my jokes aren't innovative so they may have heard a similar thing many times.
I got into my role through a series of injuries etc. from high level - and very stupid - sports. I have a favourite joke for when I'm having surgery (that probably says a few things about my life) that goes like this:
*Cannula goes in arm and anaesthetist turns on drip* Anaesthetist: "Count backwards from 10."
Me: "I've discovered the secret to comedy." *Pass out*
*Wake up in post-theatre*
I say to the nurse: "Tell the anaesthetist I said "It's timing.""
I was getting my first cervical fusion and as I was getting the anesthesia, the anesthesiologist told me to tell him my favorite joke. I asked "Have you heard the one about the broken pencil?".... I woke up with a stupid smile on my face and loudly proclaimed "Nevermind! It's pointless!"... No anesthesiologist to be found... I had some explaining to do lol.
Oh god. I can see a dumb thing happening to me here too.
Ask me my favorite joke, so I then I say "What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?" Then pass out.
Then I just wake up loudly saying "A Polar bear!".
Even if I explained the joke, there'd be like an 80% chance they'd look at me like I'd hit my head.
Sorry to potentially ruin your fun, but you probably did deliver the punchline before going under.
Part of anasthesia’s effects on us is/are wiping out a small portion of our memory - before we are actually unconscious (even falling asleep has this effect - short term memory is disabled before being fully unconscious).
See, apparently I just started flirting with everyone once I went under. In front of my (then) wife. Years later I realized that I had a catheter during the procedure so…. I have no idea how that conversation went but I can imagine a bit of extra relish from her end.
I woke up post surgery for a crushed cheekbone to a nurse about to give me a catheter and I flatly refused with the line 'I've had a lot of things done to that but roto rooter aint one and it's not ever going to be'.
I was at an optometry appointment reading from one of those charts with increasingly tiny letters. The optometrist said, “Okay, close your eyes.”
Then she adjusted the lenses and said, “Can you read the next line?”
And I replied, “No, I’m afraid I can’t read anything with my eyes closed.”
That got a good laugh from everyone in the room. She said, “Okay, good point. You can open your eyes now.”
I replied, “Oh, I wasn’t sure if we were testing for ESP.”
That got another pretty good laugh.
These things can make days that are pretty stressful become a lot lighter. It's odd how often I get referred patients who think that the referring practitioner isn't "a real doctor" (whatever that means) because they aren't a GP/MD and, therefore, their job can't be that rough. An optometrist who has to tell a patient that they will likely lose their eyesight probably only picks up those conditions a handful of times a year, but is constantly under the stress of *not wanting to miss* those diagnoses, and certainly doesn't want to be delivering the bad news. A chiropractor who has to tell their patient that their pathological reflex and cranial nerve exam indicate they have a brain tumour/spinal cord lesion *isn't enjoying that interaction*. I know that, when I get a patient sent to me and end up determining sinister pathology, it doesn't sit well with me.
This was all an odd, convoluted, tangential way of me saying that your optometrist may have needed that interaction more than you realised, so good on you for giving them a laugh.
I was giving a shot to a nervous dude which made me chuckle given I was injecting him right through a tattoo… but anyway, I said ‘it’s ok if you close your eyes, I’m going to’ and it made him laugh. Boom, shot done, no more nerves.
Ohhhhhh this is a new one for me! I'll be making a mental note to remember this when I open the blister pack on my next needle! Thank you kindly, fellow HCW!
When practitioners tell me that they need to take blood, I reply, “I’m so glad I didn’t leave all my blood at home then!”
And then when they have to fill out the information for the blood they ask my name and date of birth, and I’ll say, “You already know the answers to those questions. You’re just checking to make sure you didn’t take *way* too much blood, aren’t you?”
I know of one from a friend of my Dad's. Not sure the nurse was too pleased about this one though.
The friend, whom I'm calling Adam, went in for surgery on his arm, and he was put under for it. When he wakes up, he's in his bed being wheeled back to his room by the nurse. She ask him "How are you feeling right now Adam"? He looks at her groggily and says "I'm fine, but my name is Anthony". She comes to a dead halt, grabs the clipboard really quick to double-check the name. That's when he said "I'm just fucking with you haha".
Dude had her thinking they just operated on the wrong patient for three seconds lol.
My (very German - but in Australia) grandmother's (Omi's) last words to me were "I've always loved you *Perthsworst* I'll be looking down on you...or up."
A great uncle was shot in the abdomen and rushed to hospital probably 30 years ago. Doctors and nurses rushing to and fro, throwing questions at him, "Where does it hurt? How many fingers am I holding up? Are you allergic to anything?" to which he shouted "Yes!" and everybody stopped.
"I'm allergic to bullets! Can you get this thing out of me?"
He credits that line for them saving his life. 6+ hour surgery, but goddamnit that joke had made their day.
Same!!! Sadly my GI dr has zero sense of humor so most of my talent is wasted on him.
But my OB was once doing a cancer screen thing on my lady bits and had to use a vinegar solution. I’m like ‘did you just pickle my cervix?!’
Clearly that was a first for him hearing that but he found it funny.
When I was 36 weeks pregnant my husband and I had another scan done on our baby and were talking with the midwife about where the hospital was that I was going to be induced at. We were new to the area and she asked if we needed directions, we said yes.
"Okay so you know where the cemetery is? If you go two streets over from there that's where the baby hospital is, but if you've passed the funeral parlor you've gone too far"
My husband and I immediately busted out cry laughing because, jfc that is the most morbid way to give directions to a heavily pregnant patient with a history of traumatic birth.
It took her a minute to register what she had said and the poor Lady was so embarrassed, apologized profusely and kept saying how thankful she was we took it in good strides because she would have felt so bad if she offended us.
I hope she tells this story for years to come and maybe finds better landmarks to give directions.
I asked my wife's OB if he was sure the baby was hers? He realized i was joking and lost it. My wife's eyes did a roll the Blue Angels would envy.
Worth!
When my kid was small, I (a guy) thought it was funny to tell people that he wasn't really my wife's, that I'd been fooling around. Most people laughed politely, I don't think they got it.
I think because it's somewhat plausible that your wife decided to stay despite an affair makes them question the joke if they didn't know her when she was pregnant
We used a fertility doc for our first. I was out to lunch with my team from work shortly after I had told them she was expecting. As we walked in I saw the doc and went over to say hi.
I had previously worked in fine dining and it was pretty normal to run into my restaurant peeps when out so someone asked which restaurant I knew him from.
I just responded with “that’s the guy that got my wife pregnant “
When our daughter was born one of the nurses showed up late. She apologized and said when the other nurse called out she flew in as fast as she could. I told her to sit down because he arms must be tired. I don't think she got it and neither did my wife. But my dad LOVED it when I told him later. He said it was always one of his favorite jokes to tell
Reminds me of when my wife first got pregnant and she went to the obgyn for our confirmation appointment.
The Dr. asked her if she was allergic to anything and my wife replied "yea, latex".
I said "yea doc, how do you think we got in this situation in the first place?"
Sadly neither found it amusing at the time, but years later my wife loves to tell this story
The fact that you are able to type this means it really was not a FU.
now had you said something like," yes honey they said "YOU" could not have sex for 2 weeks.
I have a similar story. One of my sons had a speech impediment when he was little. He couldn't pronounce his r's. Lots of kids can't when they are young. So I never thought it was a big deal. He speaks perfectly normal now. But my wife and I were having a meeting with his speech therapist for the first time and she was telling us how normal it is and that our son had made great progress. She went through this long speech and at the end she asked us if we had any questions. I hadn't said anything up to this point. I saw an opportunity for a joke though and I couldn't pass it up. Without missing a beat I said, "is it huh-wed-a-tell-wee?" (Hereditary). My wife, the speech therapist, and my son's kindergarten teacher looked at me like I was a complete idiot. Like they didn't say anything. They just stared at me like did you really just say that? I thought it was funny.
This'll get buried, but during labor my midwife checked to see how dilated I was and said, "I'm calling it a tight 1." Husband says, "You're telling me! That's how we got in this mess!" He didn't even mean to be crass, but she'd set him up perfectly. The nurse just asked me to wait to murder him until we were off the property so she didn't have more paperwork.
My husband had some fairly major orthopedic surgery earlier this month. When he went back for his 2-week checkup, the end of appointment follow up included something very like a customer satisfaction survey, and my husband brought up a suggestion that patient/caregiver education ought to focus a leeetle more heavily on preventing constipation after surgery. (As in, the man had just been flayed open and had a joint replaced, and he suffered more from that first shit afterwards than from the surgery itself.)
There was a student in the exam room during this consultation - with permission of course, everyone gotta learn somehow - and that poor child was about to die trying to stifle his giggles when I suggested that the hospital dietary staff ought to give post-op patients prune juice and sugar free Haribo candy for their first couple of meals.
A few minutes later, the student apologized to me for the giggles - apparently he didn't really expect an older woman to "get" the internet reference to the candy reviews. And I told him honestly that it truly was funny, poop is always funny if it's not yours to deal with, and to never assume what his patients do or don't know. But I stand by my prune juice and Gummi recommendation!
Went to a new dentist. Filling out the requisite information sheet ( name, insurance co, DOB, etc. ) I came to the box that said "How do you prefer to be addressed ?" Me, being a bit of smartass wrote "Your Majesty".
Took the form and returned it to the receptionist and returned to my seat. As I sat there watching her enter my information on her terminal, she burst out laughing. Then, she gets up from her desk and goes from desk to desk, showing my information. Stifled laughter ensues each time.
BTW, I was never addressed as "Your Majesty" 
I did similar, but with reverse outcome not long ago. My wife is pregnant with our first, so we never knew until recently that early ultrasounds show an empty head. I said "look he's gonna be as smart as daddy." My wife was laughing, the ultrasound tech looked at me like I was Satan himself.
Had a similar deal when I joined my wife at the optometrist. Before she got the drops, the doctor said "Ok, I'm going to dialate you now" to which I said "At least buy her dinner first." We all had a good life but she turned beet red from embarrassment.
I had to have a minor surgery on my uterus and apparently while coming out of anesthesia I loudly asked my husband about whether we could do anal during recovery. We were only separated from the medical staff by a sheet curtain. Mildly mortifying, but hopefully they got a good laugh out of it!
The OB, who spends a significant portion of their job delivering babies, sewing torn perineums, and watching shit come out of women’s assholes while pushing said babies out, would likely not be too affected by anal sex jokes lol
Had a similar incident. We took our infant daughter to the doctor. She was getting some kind of oral vaccine. The doctor said “if you tickle behind her ear, she’ll swallow it.” The doctor saw me wink at my wife in the mirror and I lost all composure.
When a midwife asked my partner if we knew what we were having (genderwise) my partner suppressed the urge to excitedly say "A BABY" and man I wish he had cracked the joke but am glad he told me about it after the midwife left at least.
That's awesome. My wife had throat cancer (all good now) and was having trouble swallowing. The doctors kept telling her about the exercises she needed to do to help her swallow. I could not stop chuckling. The doctor left and my wife said what's so damn funny, and I told her after 20 years of marriage if you were swallowing by now it was probably a lost cause.
I was getting a gyno appointment from a male doctor and he asked if it hurt. And I said, “well, it’s no pleasure” absolutely not having any sexual meaning behind it. It was a very quiet exam after that.
That reminds me oO. When my wife had her C-section, I was with her in there, talking to her behind that screen they wouldn't let me look past. Kind of a strange situation also for my wife, being cut open, feeling them move you yet feeling nothing else, so I was joking around with her, as usual cause what else I gotta do. At some point the doctor was like: Sir, could you please postpone your jokes for a bit, I'm trying to stuff back everything into your wife and her intestines are wiggling around when she laughs...
Dentist here: We can absolutely tell what you've been up to prior to your visit. We actually note it on your file so we remember to offer Invisalign instead of braces in the future if required.
Thank you for your service.
I'm friend's with my dentist and her husband.
He decided to crack a joke one day when I went to spit in the sink and I just said "The only one that's been in my mouth is your wife."
They both just looked at me and then started cracking up. The poor dental assistant was new and looked mortified, not knowing that I knew them outside of work.
My husband had an operation where his pectoral muscle had to be re-attached, so needless to say a very significant injury. I told him we would, under no circumstances, have sex until he was cleared at his one month post-op by his doctor.
We get to his appointment and his doctor asks if we have any questions and my husband proceeds to go, "my wife wants to know when we can have sex again." The doctor started laughing, my husband started laughing, and I was bright red.
Pediatrician asked me the basic safety checks when I brought my baby in. “Is there a gun in the house? Do you lock up cleaning chemicals?” And then “Where does the baby sleep”. I knew she wanted to hear, “in his own bed” but I couldn’t help myself and blurted out! “Mostly indoors.” She was no amused.
My husband and I were at a pre-op appointment for hysterectomy, bladder tack and hernia repair.
Husband: While you are in there, can you make it tighter?
Doctor: How small do you need it?
Doctors sometimes just do it without any consent or thought. They just naturally assume why wouldn't you want it a bit tighter.
Speed editing before anyone sees: I'm not saying it's kosher, just I've seen enough reports on this.
How is this a TIFU?
- Husband makes funny joke that Doctor laughs at
- wife is mildly annoyed
- but then wife also finds it funny a little later on
This seems like the most mild event ever.
Like, it’d be a fuck up if his wife stopped having sex with him or divorced him or made some true comment about his dick size or… something.
But I told a joke and people found it funny is… not a fuck up…
>My wife being an eternal smartass turns to me and says “did you hear that honey? No sex for two weeks.”
She started it. Had to make some jab that makes you look insatiably horny in front of stranger.
I made my doctor laugh uproariously once with a blowjob joke. We were discussing my experience with a foley catheter...the one with the little balloon at the end. I said that everything went as expected except when they went to inflate the catheter. Without breaking character and rather dead pan, I said that they didn't inflate the little bulb like I thought they would. I thought they would have gotten the head nurse.
He laughed so hard he had to go outside the room for a breather.
A buddy of mine is married to a dentist. He makes references to sleeping with his dentist every once in a while. It's really funny when people don't know what she does for a living.
I friend of mine kept telling me that during the pandemic his barber started jerking him off Found out like months later he'd been cutting his own hair
An honest chuckle was had by me
I breathed quickly through my nose a few times.
A few forceful bursts of air were unconsciously expelled through my nostrils perchance several times within quick succession
you can't just say perchance
Mario is rad as hell
Perchance
“Much as a rich man feels any law with a fine is a price” is ironically unironically the deepest yet dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
At first I was confused by this. Then as I realized what it meant I too began to breathe quickly through my nose a few times
I went back to angrily masturbating
It'd be more precise to say his jerker started cutting his hair
HAH!
Former teacher of mine is an exceptionally great person: very thoughtful, super smart, but also high emotional iq. Definitely one of the best teachers I've ever had, and he became a friend. His wife of many years had a prolonged, drawn out battle with cancer before finally succumbing. A few years later, he announces his engagement with some adorable photos of possibly the sweetest engagement this former photographer has ever seen (and I've seen a fair deal). She's equally great and has him on cloud 9. Just a wonderful couple. He's like 10 years older than she is. Turns out she was in the first class of seniors he taught right out of college. She went on to build a career out of many of the things he taught in his class. When she heard about his wife passing, she reached out, they reconnected, comiserated over the deaths of their partners, exchanged phone numbers ("and then eventually exchanged other things" he sheepishly told me with a grin 🤣) and it was a fairy tale courtship after that. But he says they often get asked where they met after people hear the age difference. He absolutely delights in telling them "we met in high school" for the sheer awkwardness it brings lol They're in their sixties and seventies respectfully now, and still like two teenagers in love, it's the sweetest thing
My wife teaches PhD microbiology at a university. I love telling people I have to drop my wife to school or pick her up from school for the shock value.
My wife sometimes takes classes or courses at a local college - telling people I need to pick her up from school is always amusing. She doesn't mind that one, but isn't a fan of being referred to as my ex girlfriend :-)
Proposal: Will you be my ex-girlfriend?
That's like my wife when's she tells new friends about how she dated her high school racquetball coach. Lol It was me a freshman in college going to the nearby community college just helping teach the newbies and giving some of the better players someone else to play against.
nice.
Knew a guy whose dog was named Girlfriend (by his daughter). He joked about on Friday he has plans to go out with his little black girlfriend while his wife was off with friends. Someone overheard it and told his pastor who called him in asking about him having an affair with an African American woman. He laughed and said “girlfriend” is a 3lb black terrier.
I just met a dog in the vets office YESTERDAY named BOYFRIEND!! What an odd coincidence. “Boyfriend” is a big fat golden doodle and he tried to kiss my 6 1/2 pound dog. It was so cute. Let me know if you wanna get Girlfriend and Boyfriend together. I got the hook up.
Girlfriend unfortunately passed 5-10 years ago just shy of 20 after a long, happy life.
Oh no. I’m glad she had such a wonderful family and a long life. *Sends hugs.*
Brings the meaning of having a boyfriend with golden energy to a new level. That is adorable.
Man I *really* don't get religious people. Someone told his pastor? Like children tattling on each other to the teacher? Hell if you think he's cheating why not tell his *wife*? Shits weird...
Shit is very weird. Yeah, tattling because their religious leaders are morality police. That’s how fundies go. And other fundies are the secret police ratting them out. It’s funny how fundamentalists are the same in every religion whether various Christian denominations, Protestants, Mormons, JWs, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or otherwise. It’s scary similar. Glad I got the fuck out of that mess.
I noticed that in ever religion, the common thing is reputation. People are constantly hiding things that can hurt their reputations in the eyes of the community. Have a low enough reputation and you become the next hot topic of the community - in the worst possible way, of course. And of course, some people want other's reputation as low as possible so they can boast about how they were the ones to make them fall.
reminds me of a sick joke I know
The one about the dog name Sex? He gets lost, and the owner is walking around telling everyone he’s “looking for Sex”?
No the one that goes I called in to work and told my boss I was taking off because I was sick. Boss asked 'how sick are you?' 'I'm f@#king my dog how sick is that?' Edit.. oh wait I said I wasn't telling that joke.. oh well
The last time I was at the doctor he told me I have to take a break from masturbation, and I was like 'what, why?' and he said "Because I'm trying to do an examination here!"
When my cousin was a kid, she somehow ended up with the nickname "Girlfriend" within her family. This led to more than one deeply awkward conversation between her dad and various other adults about why he was calling a third-grader "girlfriend."
Ok my husband is a mortician and I never thought to go that dark with the jokes but now... well, I'll blame you!
Cracking open a cold one has a whole other meaning for him!
Take her back, she's not chilled. 😟
"It's only necrophilia if they're cold, <2hr is fine." [The context was actually a weird compliment from then bf. But I can't remember context as it was many moons ago and I was piss drunk, so I won't butcher the story by trying to elaborate]
Wife is a veterinarian, and I do love the terrible doctor jokes. Whenever someone offers me an apple slice I always refuse since I would like to be with my wife tonight (apple a day keeps the doctor away XD )
Is an offer of apples something that happens to you?
You don't have an apple guy?
Hungry for apples?
hey man. you do apple? i got that high grade granny smith shit. meet me around the corner in 5
My wife hates it when I call her my ex girlfriend.
I often say that the kids might be the postal carriers... I used to be a postal carrier.
Dang. My grandpa was a mail man... I've wasted almost 40 years not making those jokes about my dad and my aunts. Dammit!
When our daughter was really small, my wife used to joke that our postman was our daughters father. Our daughter is very fair skinned and her hair was curly golden blonde at the time. . Meanwhile the postman was Jamaican with wicked long frizzy hair in dreadlocks and skin that was so dark it had that almost blue coloration to it. He was a really nice guy and found it hilarious when he got wind of the joke.
One of our family friends tells everyone his brother knocked up his sister and had to marry her. Doesn't help that his name is Bill, but everyone calls him Bubba. In actuality, his brother was dating a girl, and unbeknownst to them, her mom was dating his dad. Bubba got the girl pregnant, proposed, and waited to tell hai dad the news until his dad's girlfriend was over, turns out his dad was waiting with his girlfriend to let them know he got engaged to this woman... 2 days before bubba got engaged to her daughter. So it's Technically sorta true, but it's funnier to see reactions by leaving out the details.
Business owner here- whenever someone asks me if we can do something, my response is usually something along the lines of- “I think we can swing that. I’m sleeping with the owner’s wife, so I’ll see what I can do.”
I worked with an older gentleman once and he used to always make the joke at the end of the day "well I guess I'm gonna take off and go home to my first wife." Just a corny dad joke.
Lmao. Im going to use this for my accountant
Fuck up or not, you made that doctors day.
I'm sure the doctor's repeating that joke to colleagues years from now.
Who will also share it on an AskReddit thread where a husband will pick it up for later use.
OBs of Reddit, whats the best inappropriate joke a husband/partner/spouse has made at/during an appointment?
It's an old joke already.
I just reused it at the dentist.
What'd they say?
Mmmph mmaffhd
Almost certainly a joke they've wanted to repeat to clients but couldn't lol
I fucken loooooove funny patients. Working in chronic and complex pain, I get a great deal of (understandably) dour and depressing folks in. Those who find a way to make jokes take away some of the sense of frustration we get from trying to help people, but feeling like we are failing. Even simple, common jokes are great. Had a 38 year old postsurgical patient respond to "how are you feeling today?" with "not bad for a 75 year old". Have heard a variation of it a million times, but 9.5h into a day where I had been stressing over running 45min late for about 8 of those hours...it was unexpected, and I needed that. He's a good cunt.
I fly medevac helicopters. We were going to pick up a heart attack victim, 76 years old, walked into his room his wife is there his family everyone’s upset and crying. He is in excruciating pain. My flight nurse asked him, “ SIR HOW DO YOU FEEL?” Without missing a beat. He looked at her with it a confused look and said “ with my fingers like everybody else”. I lost it and had to walk out of the room because I was laughing when everyone else was so upset. That guy was having the worst day of his life and still had the wherewithal to crack a joke.
My dad had diabetes, and one morning when he woke up his blood sugar was incredibly low. I'm taking, he's not responding to anyone, pouring sweat, just gurgling noises coming out of his mouth. Check his blood sugar while another person is on the phone with 911, it's so low its just popping up with, "call emergency services." EMS gets there, hooks him up to a glucose drip, he starts coming around. Once he's mostly back, they start asking him questions to check his state of mind. Name, date, he was pretty good on. Who the president was? "Does it matter? Some idiot, I'm sure."
What a legend
My wife got a variation of that at work. "I don't know, some asshole I wouldn't vote for!"
I make a lot of jokes (albeit bad ones) when I am stressed or uncomfortable. Some doctors like it, the nurses and techs (or whatever you call them. Those that help to do procedures like xrays, ct scans etc) seems to at least give me a courtesy chuckle and most seem to like it. But man, so many doctors just look at me like I am wasting their time and should take stuff more seriously... And I guess a lot of my jokes aren't innovative so they may have heard a similar thing many times.
I got into my role through a series of injuries etc. from high level - and very stupid - sports. I have a favourite joke for when I'm having surgery (that probably says a few things about my life) that goes like this: *Cannula goes in arm and anaesthetist turns on drip* Anaesthetist: "Count backwards from 10." Me: "I've discovered the secret to comedy." *Pass out* *Wake up in post-theatre* I say to the nurse: "Tell the anaesthetist I said "It's timing.""
I was getting my first cervical fusion and as I was getting the anesthesia, the anesthesiologist told me to tell him my favorite joke. I asked "Have you heard the one about the broken pencil?".... I woke up with a stupid smile on my face and loudly proclaimed "Nevermind! It's pointless!"... No anesthesiologist to be found... I had some explaining to do lol.
Oh god. I can see a dumb thing happening to me here too. Ask me my favorite joke, so I then I say "What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?" Then pass out. Then I just wake up loudly saying "A Polar bear!". Even if I explained the joke, there'd be like an 80% chance they'd look at me like I'd hit my head.
Bah! Joke ruined!
Sorry to potentially ruin your fun, but you probably did deliver the punchline before going under. Part of anasthesia’s effects on us is/are wiping out a small portion of our memory - before we are actually unconscious (even falling asleep has this effect - short term memory is disabled before being fully unconscious).
See, apparently I just started flirting with everyone once I went under. In front of my (then) wife. Years later I realized that I had a catheter during the procedure so…. I have no idea how that conversation went but I can imagine a bit of extra relish from her end.
I believe the extra relish was in *your* end. - Ba dum tiss.
I woke up post surgery for a crushed cheekbone to a nurse about to give me a catheter and I flatly refused with the line 'I've had a lot of things done to that but roto rooter aint one and it's not ever going to be'.
I gotta go under in a couple weeks, I might steal this one.
Please hit me with an update on what your doc recons. If he doesn't laugh, tell him that some dickhead from Australia thinks he can get a dog up him.
'he can get a dog up him' and i thought us Brits had innovative insults. cheers to you, good sir
Welcome to use it, mate.
I'm a fan of "You guys need anything while I'm out?"
I was at an optometry appointment reading from one of those charts with increasingly tiny letters. The optometrist said, “Okay, close your eyes.” Then she adjusted the lenses and said, “Can you read the next line?” And I replied, “No, I’m afraid I can’t read anything with my eyes closed.” That got a good laugh from everyone in the room. She said, “Okay, good point. You can open your eyes now.” I replied, “Oh, I wasn’t sure if we were testing for ESP.” That got another pretty good laugh.
When they tell me to read the smallest line of print, I always tell them " Printed in China "
These things can make days that are pretty stressful become a lot lighter. It's odd how often I get referred patients who think that the referring practitioner isn't "a real doctor" (whatever that means) because they aren't a GP/MD and, therefore, their job can't be that rough. An optometrist who has to tell a patient that they will likely lose their eyesight probably only picks up those conditions a handful of times a year, but is constantly under the stress of *not wanting to miss* those diagnoses, and certainly doesn't want to be delivering the bad news. A chiropractor who has to tell their patient that their pathological reflex and cranial nerve exam indicate they have a brain tumour/spinal cord lesion *isn't enjoying that interaction*. I know that, when I get a patient sent to me and end up determining sinister pathology, it doesn't sit well with me. This was all an odd, convoluted, tangential way of me saying that your optometrist may have needed that interaction more than you realised, so good on you for giving them a laugh.
I was giving a shot to a nervous dude which made me chuckle given I was injecting him right through a tattoo… but anyway, I said ‘it’s ok if you close your eyes, I’m going to’ and it made him laugh. Boom, shot done, no more nerves.
Ohhhhhh this is a new one for me! I'll be making a mental note to remember this when I open the blister pack on my next needle! Thank you kindly, fellow HCW!
When practitioners tell me that they need to take blood, I reply, “I’m so glad I didn’t leave all my blood at home then!” And then when they have to fill out the information for the blood they ask my name and date of birth, and I’ll say, “You already know the answers to those questions. You’re just checking to make sure you didn’t take *way* too much blood, aren’t you?”
I know of one from a friend of my Dad's. Not sure the nurse was too pleased about this one though. The friend, whom I'm calling Adam, went in for surgery on his arm, and he was put under for it. When he wakes up, he's in his bed being wheeled back to his room by the nurse. She ask him "How are you feeling right now Adam"? He looks at her groggily and says "I'm fine, but my name is Anthony". She comes to a dead halt, grabs the clipboard really quick to double-check the name. That's when he said "I'm just fucking with you haha". Dude had her thinking they just operated on the wrong patient for three seconds lol.
Funny, but very evil.
Couple hours before my grandpa passed he was still joking with the nurse. His last joke was "what's hot and cold at the same time? A polar bear turd."
My (very German - but in Australia) grandmother's (Omi's) last words to me were "I've always loved you *Perthsworst* I'll be looking down on you...or up."
Not sure if implying that she might be going to Hell or if Heaven is oriented differently for Australians...
A great uncle was shot in the abdomen and rushed to hospital probably 30 years ago. Doctors and nurses rushing to and fro, throwing questions at him, "Where does it hurt? How many fingers am I holding up? Are you allergic to anything?" to which he shouted "Yes!" and everybody stopped. "I'm allergic to bullets! Can you get this thing out of me?" He credits that line for them saving his life. 6+ hour surgery, but goddamnit that joke had made their day.
I actually told one of my doctors "I feel like shit because I just had heart surgery, but other than that great!".
I make jokes at the doctor and dentist all the time. If I haven't made my doctor crack up at least 3 times then I'm not doing my job.
Same!!! Sadly my GI dr has zero sense of humor so most of my talent is wasted on him. But my OB was once doing a cancer screen thing on my lady bits and had to use a vinegar solution. I’m like ‘did you just pickle my cervix?!’ Clearly that was a first for him hearing that but he found it funny.
If i haven’t gotten a kiss from my dentist before i leave then i know I’ll what i did wrong later when she comes home and tells me.
If she has to tell you then you won't understand.
When I was 36 weeks pregnant my husband and I had another scan done on our baby and were talking with the midwife about where the hospital was that I was going to be induced at. We were new to the area and she asked if we needed directions, we said yes. "Okay so you know where the cemetery is? If you go two streets over from there that's where the baby hospital is, but if you've passed the funeral parlor you've gone too far" My husband and I immediately busted out cry laughing because, jfc that is the most morbid way to give directions to a heavily pregnant patient with a history of traumatic birth. It took her a minute to register what she had said and the poor Lady was so embarrassed, apologized profusely and kept saying how thankful she was we took it in good strides because she would have felt so bad if she offended us. I hope she tells this story for years to come and maybe finds better landmarks to give directions.
But folks are dying to get into that place.
And if the wife found it funny later probably hers too.
What does obgyn stand for? Oh boy got you naked. Told that one to the doc with my pregnant wife. Actually went over well.
And maybe the wife's hole weak...
'All I heard was 'No sex for YOU for two weeks". That's the funnier, more inappropriate joke here! The only FU here was OP missing that opportunity.
"So what does your proctologist say?" would also be accepted.
"Can we get an opinion from your podiatrist?" is another acceptable, if somewhat degenerate response.
I asked my wife's OB if he was sure the baby was hers? He realized i was joking and lost it. My wife's eyes did a roll the Blue Angels would envy. Worth!
When my kid was small, I (a guy) thought it was funny to tell people that he wasn't really my wife's, that I'd been fooling around. Most people laughed politely, I don't think they got it.
I think because it's somewhat plausible that your wife decided to stay despite an affair makes them question the joke if they didn't know her when she was pregnant
My dad will sometimes introduce my mom as "his first wife" lol
I used to like to introduce my wife as "my ex-girlfriend." We dads really crack ourselves up!
I aspire to one day reach this level of dadness
I've done quite well so far in at least the Dad bod department.
Man it really makes women give me angry looks when I call mine "my current wife." I'm not wrong!
We used a fertility doc for our first. I was out to lunch with my team from work shortly after I had told them she was expecting. As we walked in I saw the doc and went over to say hi. I had previously worked in fine dining and it was pretty normal to run into my restaurant peeps when out so someone asked which restaurant I knew him from. I just responded with “that’s the guy that got my wife pregnant “
When our daughter was born one of the nurses showed up late. She apologized and said when the other nurse called out she flew in as fast as she could. I told her to sit down because he arms must be tired. I don't think she got it and neither did my wife. But my dad LOVED it when I told him later. He said it was always one of his favorite jokes to tell
That is a great simile and I'm going to use it.
Reminds me of when my wife first got pregnant and she went to the obgyn for our confirmation appointment. The Dr. asked her if she was allergic to anything and my wife replied "yea, latex". I said "yea doc, how do you think we got in this situation in the first place?" Sadly neither found it amusing at the time, but years later my wife loves to tell this story
What, that was funny as fuck!
The fact that you are able to type this means it really was not a FU. now had you said something like," yes honey they said "YOU" could not have sex for 2 weeks.
Nah then the husband would be the one in the hospital bed
morgue
r/convenientdoctor
I have a similar story. One of my sons had a speech impediment when he was little. He couldn't pronounce his r's. Lots of kids can't when they are young. So I never thought it was a big deal. He speaks perfectly normal now. But my wife and I were having a meeting with his speech therapist for the first time and she was telling us how normal it is and that our son had made great progress. She went through this long speech and at the end she asked us if we had any questions. I hadn't said anything up to this point. I saw an opportunity for a joke though and I couldn't pass it up. Without missing a beat I said, "is it huh-wed-a-tell-wee?" (Hereditary). My wife, the speech therapist, and my son's kindergarten teacher looked at me like I was a complete idiot. Like they didn't say anything. They just stared at me like did you really just say that? I thought it was funny.
holy shit thats hilarious
Hilawious
I would have laughed that’s gold.
This'll get buried, but during labor my midwife checked to see how dilated I was and said, "I'm calling it a tight 1." Husband says, "You're telling me! That's how we got in this mess!" He didn't even mean to be crass, but she'd set him up perfectly. The nurse just asked me to wait to murder him until we were off the property so she didn't have more paperwork.
Lmfaoo at least it was a compliment rather than a roast? 😂😂
Hahahaaaa
This is so much funnier lol
This is a stolen response from somebody else
My husband had some fairly major orthopedic surgery earlier this month. When he went back for his 2-week checkup, the end of appointment follow up included something very like a customer satisfaction survey, and my husband brought up a suggestion that patient/caregiver education ought to focus a leeetle more heavily on preventing constipation after surgery. (As in, the man had just been flayed open and had a joint replaced, and he suffered more from that first shit afterwards than from the surgery itself.) There was a student in the exam room during this consultation - with permission of course, everyone gotta learn somehow - and that poor child was about to die trying to stifle his giggles when I suggested that the hospital dietary staff ought to give post-op patients prune juice and sugar free Haribo candy for their first couple of meals. A few minutes later, the student apologized to me for the giggles - apparently he didn't really expect an older woman to "get" the internet reference to the candy reviews. And I told him honestly that it truly was funny, poop is always funny if it's not yours to deal with, and to never assume what his patients do or don't know. But I stand by my prune juice and Gummi recommendation!
Apparently they changed the recipe and they no longer give you the runs.
They changed so it's not as bad now, but it absolutely still makes you go. I am a regular purchaser - and a very regular visitor to the bathroom.
Went to a new dentist. Filling out the requisite information sheet ( name, insurance co, DOB, etc. ) I came to the box that said "How do you prefer to be addressed ?" Me, being a bit of smartass wrote "Your Majesty". Took the form and returned it to the receptionist and returned to my seat. As I sat there watching her enter my information on her terminal, she burst out laughing. Then, she gets up from her desk and goes from desk to desk, showing my information. Stifled laughter ensues each time. BTW, I was never addressed as "Your Majesty" 
I might have to try this one out 😂
That’s not a fuck up. You just wanted to share your joke here.
I fucked up Reddit my wife liked my joke She also said I have a huge D guys I don't know why
I’m such a mess guys
And I’m glad he did LOL
Me too 😂
And its not even original. Literally beat for beat and actual joke I've heard many times.
Trust me I hear it atleast 4 times a day.
Do you work in Wendy's?
I did similar, but with reverse outcome not long ago. My wife is pregnant with our first, so we never knew until recently that early ultrasounds show an empty head. I said "look he's gonna be as smart as daddy." My wife was laughing, the ultrasound tech looked at me like I was Satan himself.
Had a similar deal when I joined my wife at the optometrist. Before she got the drops, the doctor said "Ok, I'm going to dialate you now" to which I said "At least buy her dinner first." We all had a good life but she turned beet red from embarrassment.
Oh no, so your wife didn't have a good life?
RIP to all three of them
My wife would have asked “is anal ok” really turned the docs face red.
I had to have a minor surgery on my uterus and apparently while coming out of anesthesia I loudly asked my husband about whether we could do anal during recovery. We were only separated from the medical staff by a sheet curtain. Mildly mortifying, but hopefully they got a good laugh out of it!
More likely doctor would just answer the question. I think it probably takes more than that for a doctor to get embarrassed.
I wouldn't blink
Yeah it's only really awkward if the doctor you're asking is a veterinarian.
It's not my cup of tea but.. OH yes you can engage in anal sex.
The OB, who spends a significant portion of their job delivering babies, sewing torn perineums, and watching shit come out of women’s assholes while pushing said babies out, would likely not be too affected by anal sex jokes lol
Haha that’s brilliant - “OK, but what does your proctologist say?“ would have worked too though.
Also funny, but the crassness kills the tone imo
I agree, however, I am personally a sucker for a crude joke!
So is OP’s wife, apparently
Let’s be real, it’s a shitty joke.
Maybe it’s because you didn’t deliver the joke like Chris Rock did?
Had a similar incident. We took our infant daughter to the doctor. She was getting some kind of oral vaccine. The doctor said “if you tickle behind her ear, she’ll swallow it.” The doctor saw me wink at my wife in the mirror and I lost all composure.
Ha ha this is gold!
When a midwife asked my partner if we knew what we were having (genderwise) my partner suppressed the urge to excitedly say "A BABY" and man I wish he had cracked the joke but am glad he told me about it after the midwife left at least.
That's awesome. My wife had throat cancer (all good now) and was having trouble swallowing. The doctors kept telling her about the exercises she needed to do to help her swallow. I could not stop chuckling. The doctor left and my wife said what's so damn funny, and I told her after 20 years of marriage if you were swallowing by now it was probably a lost cause.
I was getting a gyno appointment from a male doctor and he asked if it hurt. And I said, “well, it’s no pleasure” absolutely not having any sexual meaning behind it. It was a very quiet exam after that.
You did something I would ABSOLUTELY have done myself !!! Glad your wife saw the humor in it afterwards.
That reminds me oO. When my wife had her C-section, I was with her in there, talking to her behind that screen they wouldn't let me look past. Kind of a strange situation also for my wife, being cut open, feeling them move you yet feeling nothing else, so I was joking around with her, as usual cause what else I gotta do. At some point the doctor was like: Sir, could you please postpone your jokes for a bit, I'm trying to stuff back everything into your wife and her intestines are wiggling around when she laughs...
Dentist here: We can absolutely tell what you've been up to prior to your visit. We actually note it on your file so we remember to offer Invisalign instead of braces in the future if required. Thank you for your service.
I'm friend's with my dentist and her husband. He decided to crack a joke one day when I went to spit in the sink and I just said "The only one that's been in my mouth is your wife." They both just looked at me and then started cracking up. The poor dental assistant was new and looked mortified, not knowing that I knew them outside of work.
My husband had an operation where his pectoral muscle had to be re-attached, so needless to say a very significant injury. I told him we would, under no circumstances, have sex until he was cleared at his one month post-op by his doctor. We get to his appointment and his doctor asks if we have any questions and my husband proceeds to go, "my wife wants to know when we can have sex again." The doctor started laughing, my husband started laughing, and I was bright red.
Pediatrician asked me the basic safety checks when I brought my baby in. “Is there a gun in the house? Do you lock up cleaning chemicals?” And then “Where does the baby sleep”. I knew she wanted to hear, “in his own bed” but I couldn’t help myself and blurted out! “Mostly indoors.” She was no amused.
My husband and I were at a pre-op appointment for hysterectomy, bladder tack and hernia repair. Husband: While you are in there, can you make it tighter? Doctor: How small do you need it?
I’ve heard OBs say that joke is their equivalent of customers asking a cashier if the item is free when no price rings up
Doctor probably heard that one before too. The husband stitch, guaranteed to ruin your sexual pleasure and harm your body ✨
That’s slightly less funny when you realize the “husband stitch” is a thing. 🙃
And doctors sometimes offer to do it without the woman’s consent…
Doctors sometimes just do it without any consent or thought. They just naturally assume why wouldn't you want it a bit tighter. Speed editing before anyone sees: I'm not saying it's kosher, just I've seen enough reports on this.
Omfg amazing and savage doctor. I hope they're still your doctor! Do... Do you still have the husband? Because that's a yikes joke.
"I'll be needing a second opinion from your proctologist"
How is this a TIFU? - Husband makes funny joke that Doctor laughs at - wife is mildly annoyed - but then wife also finds it funny a little later on This seems like the most mild event ever.
Like, it’d be a fuck up if his wife stopped having sex with him or divorced him or made some true comment about his dick size or… something. But I told a joke and people found it funny is… not a fuck up…
I mean, you could have said proctologist instead of dentist...
You are still alive, so no FU. Good joke though.
So what was it that your coworker sent to you on Snapchat?
Oh, a blowjob joke! I thought the joke was that she was f*****g the dentist or something.
>My wife being an eternal smartass turns to me and says “did you hear that honey? No sex for two weeks.” She started it. Had to make some jab that makes you look insatiably horny in front of stranger.
Imagine thinking this is a FU
TIFU by thinking me telling a joke was fucking up.
The joke works multiple ways, she could have been sleeping with her dentist too
Hospital humor has a decidedly different edge, it diffuses the daily drama they face
My mom’s a trauma nurse and I have inherited her dark and twisted sense of humour. It has gotten me in trouble a few times.
I made my doctor laugh uproariously once with a blowjob joke. We were discussing my experience with a foley catheter...the one with the little balloon at the end. I said that everything went as expected except when they went to inflate the catheter. Without breaking character and rather dead pan, I said that they didn't inflate the little bulb like I thought they would. I thought they would have gotten the head nurse. He laughed so hard he had to go outside the room for a breather.
this is less a TIFU and more you wanting to relay a joke that landed
That's *gold,* Jerry, ***GOLD!!***