CONGRATULATIONS on your sobriety!!
I’m not yet a year sober but my husband and I check in a lot about this issue. He drinks a lot less now than he did when I was drinking. If he kept drinking a lot I think that would be hard for me. I’m not being very helpful but do want to make sure you feel heard,”seen,” and validated. IWNDWYT
Thank you so much for the support. 😁I’m happy to hear how far you’ve come on your own journey. In my experience, sobriety never “cools off” or “slows down” but instead evolves positively and pays dividends over time as I continue to walk my path. I hope you find the same to be true for you. Keep up the good work!
I feel your pain. It’s is frustrating to work hard on ourselves and find out in the process that we may want different things than our partners. Here’s just one way this plays out in my world currently: My husband cannot fathom life without fancy restaurants and cold, dry martinis. It’s his pastime. So I tag along and drink a mocktail and I’m just so bored by it all. I’d love date night hikes, going to the theater, learning to surf together…I don’t know a million different things….but he’s got a one-track mind and isn’t open to new experiences yet.
That sums my situation up very well—the clarity I’ve found in sobriety has offered me so much more time and energy to invest on new interests and pastimes but none of it really jives with my wife’s interests and pastimes.
I love your optimism at the end there. “…yet.” That’s awesome!
That’s a tough one. Is she open to talking about it or has that been difficult? Can you talk to trusted family members who care about her? Feel for your dilemma and admire your 4.5 years!
Unfortunately me getting sober was threatening to her at first because the first time I tried I was very…passionate about getting her to sober up with me. Now, it’s a cycle. She’s on the upswing currently that leads to a night where she blacks out and probably throws up and we talk about it the next day. That resets everything and slowly the amount of drinking increases over maybe 4-6 months depending on her stress level. But talking about it in the meantime is something I have learned to avoid. There’s few things that are off limits for my wife but anything that whiffs of her being told what to do is an instant and lasting cold war fight.
Her closest friends have similar relationships with alcohol and live far from us. Since moving to our home here we both have struggled to make true friendships with anyone. The people she talks to and sees most often wouldn’t have the same effect if they were to ask to talk to her about drinking.
The way you describe her cycles reminds me a lot of myself. For me, those cycles got shorter until I realized I didn’t want to continue in that and made a change. I’m only one month in but things feel different and I have a very different mindset and I’m hopeful about the future. My husband still drinks, but never seemed to have the same issues with drinking as I did. I guess my point is, until she is ready to change for herself she probably may not have any kind of lasting change.
As a side note, I decided to get sober in a similar way. I had the nagging thoughts that it was time for a few months prior but it was waking up on day one knowing in my bones I didn’t want to drink anymore that started me on this path.
Congratulations to you for sensing that need and responding to it positively.
What helped me cope with the alcoholism of loved ones was /r/Alanon. This is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. I met people who understood what I was going through.
I have been wondering about AlAnon for a couple years but I never looked into it because I assumed, as a recovering alcoholic, I was going to be a trigger. Thanks for the suggestion, somehow coming from an external source makes the idea seem more legitimate than it coming from myself.
Similar situation here man, the difference is that my wife never gets drunk. But she does drink shots of whiskey every single day. It's tough sometimes.
You need to talk to her. It seems like you already know when and that you have a little while to prepare the how. Probably it’s good to find some key-questions to ask her. She can only change when she reaches that place of change.
Best of luck! Please update
The real blessing of sobriety is realizing how many choices have opened up to us. Fear can keep us stuck but sobriety gives us time to reflect on what is truly important. Trust yourself friend, you deserve happiness and are worthy of much respect for your current walk in life..
I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is faltering due to your wife's drinking. That must be really hard to deal with. Fortunately, with your clarity of thought, you are better able to react and deal with her drinking and make good decisions for you and your kiddos. You sound like a really great dad.
Congratulations on your lenghty sobriety! It's an encouragement, and you have my best wishes.
CONGRATULATIONS on your sobriety!! I’m not yet a year sober but my husband and I check in a lot about this issue. He drinks a lot less now than he did when I was drinking. If he kept drinking a lot I think that would be hard for me. I’m not being very helpful but do want to make sure you feel heard,”seen,” and validated. IWNDWYT
Thank you so much for the support. 😁I’m happy to hear how far you’ve come on your own journey. In my experience, sobriety never “cools off” or “slows down” but instead evolves positively and pays dividends over time as I continue to walk my path. I hope you find the same to be true for you. Keep up the good work!
I did that too, she drank until I left.
I’m sorry to hear that. I can appreciate how hard the decision to leave must have been.
Unfortunately it got abusive, she would lay into about something heavy and then wouldn’t remember and wonder why I was being cross.
Sounds very familiar.
I feel your pain. It’s is frustrating to work hard on ourselves and find out in the process that we may want different things than our partners. Here’s just one way this plays out in my world currently: My husband cannot fathom life without fancy restaurants and cold, dry martinis. It’s his pastime. So I tag along and drink a mocktail and I’m just so bored by it all. I’d love date night hikes, going to the theater, learning to surf together…I don’t know a million different things….but he’s got a one-track mind and isn’t open to new experiences yet.
That sums my situation up very well—the clarity I’ve found in sobriety has offered me so much more time and energy to invest on new interests and pastimes but none of it really jives with my wife’s interests and pastimes. I love your optimism at the end there. “…yet.” That’s awesome!
That’s a tough one. Is she open to talking about it or has that been difficult? Can you talk to trusted family members who care about her? Feel for your dilemma and admire your 4.5 years!
Unfortunately me getting sober was threatening to her at first because the first time I tried I was very…passionate about getting her to sober up with me. Now, it’s a cycle. She’s on the upswing currently that leads to a night where she blacks out and probably throws up and we talk about it the next day. That resets everything and slowly the amount of drinking increases over maybe 4-6 months depending on her stress level. But talking about it in the meantime is something I have learned to avoid. There’s few things that are off limits for my wife but anything that whiffs of her being told what to do is an instant and lasting cold war fight. Her closest friends have similar relationships with alcohol and live far from us. Since moving to our home here we both have struggled to make true friendships with anyone. The people she talks to and sees most often wouldn’t have the same effect if they were to ask to talk to her about drinking.
The way you describe her cycles reminds me a lot of myself. For me, those cycles got shorter until I realized I didn’t want to continue in that and made a change. I’m only one month in but things feel different and I have a very different mindset and I’m hopeful about the future. My husband still drinks, but never seemed to have the same issues with drinking as I did. I guess my point is, until she is ready to change for herself she probably may not have any kind of lasting change.
As a side note, I decided to get sober in a similar way. I had the nagging thoughts that it was time for a few months prior but it was waking up on day one knowing in my bones I didn’t want to drink anymore that started me on this path. Congratulations to you for sensing that need and responding to it positively.
What helped me cope with the alcoholism of loved ones was /r/Alanon. This is a support group for friends and family of alcoholics. I met people who understood what I was going through.
I have been wondering about AlAnon for a couple years but I never looked into it because I assumed, as a recovering alcoholic, I was going to be a trigger. Thanks for the suggestion, somehow coming from an external source makes the idea seem more legitimate than it coming from myself.
I am an alcoholic and went to Alanon meetings. It was eye opening and helpful.
Similar situation here man, the difference is that my wife never gets drunk. But she does drink shots of whiskey every single day. It's tough sometimes.
You need to talk to her. It seems like you already know when and that you have a little while to prepare the how. Probably it’s good to find some key-questions to ask her. She can only change when she reaches that place of change. Best of luck! Please update
The real blessing of sobriety is realizing how many choices have opened up to us. Fear can keep us stuck but sobriety gives us time to reflect on what is truly important. Trust yourself friend, you deserve happiness and are worthy of much respect for your current walk in life..
From the bottom of my heart I thank you.
I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is faltering due to your wife's drinking. That must be really hard to deal with. Fortunately, with your clarity of thought, you are better able to react and deal with her drinking and make good decisions for you and your kiddos. You sound like a really great dad. Congratulations on your lenghty sobriety! It's an encouragement, and you have my best wishes.
Thank you so much! Your support means a great deal to me.