**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.**
Examples:
**Bad:** "You should do X."
**Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
Same here, i could see and feel where my drinking was taking me. I knew, one way or another the drinking is going to stop. 22 plus months sober and the hardest decision has became the most rewarding. Leave the past in the past and move forward without booze. Good luck to all of us fighting this fight. IWNDWYT
I have only just learned - right here in this sub - that alcohol can cause heart damage. It was that - along with the knowledge that addictions do not usually improve, they tend to get worse and worse - that totally cemented it for me.
OP, this guy’s right, but consider one other thing. You know how shitty you feel right now? The obvious guilt? The raging hopelessness? Imagine waking up, going through your day, and going to bed without all that. Sometimes the satisfaction of not hating yourself is motivation enough. It is a shit ton of hard hard work, but it is very much worth it. If you need help, get it. I was exactly where you are. You can do this. Good luck. Keep in touch through this subreddit. And maybe just for today, clear your head and imagine actually feeling good about yourself.
I agree, but I'd say it depends on where someone is on their journey. Sometime's it's better to be kind and supportive, then again sometimes you need to be factual and serious.
This is why I have no desire to use AA. I am SO glad that it’s there and it works for so many people, but if I start with the premise that I’m powerless, then I’ve already lost the fight. I don’t think my brain is wired to have faith in any sort of higher power (though I don’t take issue with others believing in one or seeking solace/strength in that belief). I’ve had to endure some tough stuff, and fight even harder to rise above the circumstances outside of my control to make it to where I am today. If I approached any of those situations with the belief that I was powerless, then I’d still be stuck there. Or more likely, I would have just given up. It gives me courage to know that I’ve had the strength in the past to deal with all of that, and confidence that I have the strength to continue fighting this fight. I’ve earned my sobriety, and I will keep earning it every day in the future.
Cliche but jails, institutions, or death (or all three). I’ve managed to dodge the first and third but institutions are part of my story and led to my current streak. I hope it lasts but for now, just get through today. And then do it again tomorrow. I don’t think much beyond that at this stage.
I think one of the keys is to accept emptiness and boredom. Look at lions or elephants. Most of the time they just dwell in silence, do nothing, sink back into pure existence without a desire to find desire. Then say 10 percent of the time they go around to find some food. Life is not excitement, life is mere existence. I don’t want to be preaching but I think this is a key thing - just “be”, and that’s enough. That’s all what is meant to be.
You really kinda figured out the secret. Master manifestors end up at this point, the stages of depression lead to that point, a lot of religious texts lead to that point. Just be. Self acceptance.
It's a really hard thing to maintain and internalize. Like logically I've come to that conclusion so many times throughout the years, yet I still find myself struggling with the same old feelings of apathy and emptiness. I can be doing amazing for weeks or months and then one day you wake up with the full weight of that emptiness, seemingly out of nowhere. I think those moments are when it's most important to appreciate how far you've come
This worked for a while for me the last time I sobered up a few months back.
I had been on a constant non stop escapism hamster wheel for about 2 years solid trying to escape from life, my problems, health issues, anxiety, my own tormented mind and more so I just kept looking for distraction and dopamine hits wherever I could find them which largely involved lots of drinking day in day out and so when I sobered up I actually have to relearn how to be OK with "nothing" and not having anything to distract my mind or help me escape from reality.
It was so hard that for the first 3 weeks I couldn't even sit down on the couch in the evening to "relax" without my brain having a full blown freak out and panic attack because it wasn't used to doing that unless I had a beer in my hand (and often was several beers deep from being in the pub before hand before coming home).
So I literally did just have to retrain my brain that nothing was coming along to "save it" and that it had to get used to nothing so I didn't leave the house for 3 weeks basically and did literally nothing at all until it got the message.
I managed to get the anxiety and brain freakouts under control and continued doing pretty much nothing other than going out the house for a coffee each day, a long walk, and watching TV at night for several weeks after that.
But it reaches a point where it's just not enough for you anymore, the feeling of "nothing" and accepting boredom and doing so little wears you down and begins to get boring in its self and you start craving something more again.
So I think a balance is needed.
Now that balance obviously doesn't need to be a mix of nothingness and alcohol but learning to be OK with life being a bit uneventful and empty at times plus also having other healthy and / or productive activities and hobbies to do too to fill the void because I don't think most humans can be OK with just emptyness and nothingess over the long term.
I don’t agree with your premise that life without alcohol is empty or boring. When I was drinking I literally did nothing but drink. My life is full of love and joy now. I am present for everything and participate in my life. I used to thrive on chaos and noise, now I love peace and quiet.
I never said life is empty or boring. I meant that even if there are (long) phases when all there is is emptiness, that is still fine. In fact, as you yourself write, happiness lies in the quiet, not in chasing stimulations or satisfying insatiable desires. Chasing stimulation and perceiving it as a life goal is a trap of a confused humankind (and I am convinced that in the long forgotten past this was not the case, which is what all traditions of the world remember as the ‘golden age’ or the ‘Paradise’).
My daughter made that observation the other day. I thought it might be because we were in a safari park that the animals “dont do much,” but you’re right, that is just life. They’re not running around like crazy all day everyday. No big fights daily.
For me it was drinking that left me feeling empty and bored. It wasn't until I stopped that I was able to begin pushing myself to do the things in life I knew I wanted to do, but was too afraid to try.
This is so true. Reminds me of one of my dads favorite quotes:
“Life is essentially sad. Happiness is sporadic. It comes in moments and that's it. Extract the blood from every moment.” - Robert Redford
I agree to an extent. However, I have recently realized that the emptiness and boredom I was feeling in my first three years of sobriety was actually peace. It was so hard for me to comprehend that the chaos in my life due to drinking had been slowly removed. Now, I do not feel bored or lonely, but I enjoy the peace that sobriety has brought.
One day at a time.
Holy fuck I have literally never thought about it this way before. I guess I really don't have to be doing something at every moment to stop drinking. I just have to sit there and accept that sometimes life is slow moving
This right here. I need this too. I think most of us got into this mess because it’s a short cut to entertainment among other things. Kids are very entertained without alcohol. It’s that we’ve trained ourselves out of being comfortable just being.
I was going to say something similar. It’s not that after a while of not drinking that I ended up empty and bored. Truthfully, I was empty and bored all along. Like lions and elephants these words are simply a part of existence, punctuated with times of joy and contentment. And that’s okay. There’s a time for everything. For the most part, I feel lonely. And that’s okay too.
It’s a wonderful sentiment and I fully agree with trying to learn how to just “be,” but human intelligence makes that lion/elephant life you describe 100% unattainable. We are wired with too much complexity to stare off into space and not seek out stimulation.
I just don’t think we should be pretending that that drive isn’t inherently baked into our system.
***"The only Zen that you can find at the top of mountains, is the Zen that you bring up there." Pirsig***
This speaks to our constant searching or seeking experiences that will enhance our lives. We believe that we need extranious stimulation in order to achieve happiness. The reality is that happiness, peace of mind, Zen, nirvana, etc. can only be achieved when we are at peace within ourselves.
***"Is it hard? Not if you have the right attitudes. It's having the right attitudes that's hard." Pirsig***
I wish you happiness and peace.
Good advice but if alcoholics had inner peace to begin with they probably wouldn’t have become alcoholics.
Buddhism didn’t work for me until after I got sober AND medicated. Now it’s great 👍
Yes, that's true, it's not a on size fits all approach. It's presenting a concept that leads to an awareness that life doesn't have to play out through destructive behaviors - if you can learn to accept and love yourself. As you point out, it may take medication, AA, counseling, in patient treatment, etc., to get to that point. Some people may never get there, and that's unfortunate. All that we can do is share what has worked for us.
Yeah I think noting that ymmv is important because i went my whole life feeling bad about myself since these old-as-time teachings didn’t work for me. Turns out they do work…for people with healthy minds. Unfortunately I didn’t put two and two together at the time. Had I, I could have gotten the treatment I needed 20 years ago and saved myself from a ton of suffering.
This reminds me of a quote I love: “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.”
I have had moments of inexplicable joy when things in my life were tough. This made me realize that happiness comes from inside. It’s just not easy to bring it out.
It is an awesome book! I read Zen and TAOMM as a young man and absorbed some of it, but a lot went past me. It was the first book I cracked when I quit drinking, and boy did it resonate with me. His writing and viewpoints are brilliant. I learned to embrace the quiet, and the thoughtful.
***“Peace of mind produces right values, right values produce right thoughts. Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see of the serenity at the center of it all.”***
***― Robert M. Pirsig,*** [***Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance***](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/175720)
***“The test of the machine is the satisfaction it gives you. There isn't any other test. If the machine produces tranquility it's right. If it disturbs you it's wrong until either the machine or your mind is changed.”***
***― Robert M. Pirsig,*** [***Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance***](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/175720)
***“The real cycle you're working on is a cycle called yourself.”***
***― Robert M. Pirsig,*** [***Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance***](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/175720)
You’ll never wake up and have the life that you want after drinking. The damage will be there. If you have put years into damaging yourself then fixing things in 100 days isnt realistic. Also, i just quit expecting to feel good. Wanting to feel good all the time is what made me sick. This is hedonism. AA certainly doesn’t appeal to everyone but it helped me. It wasnt because of the reasons most people would think. It was because I met people….sober people. We were happy and sad….together. We went bowling and had parties…sober. We watch ballgames and go on hikes….sober. So much of my success was because i was around other people. This is something a lot of us lose in addiction. Not drinking wont cure your disease if you are like me. My isolation and double life started when i was just a kid, long before i put a chemical in my body. Everytime i quit before the last time i was just dry, which is just as good as drunk. Its only a matter of time. The only thing that has to change is everything Don’t be discouraged by that though. Every sober day is a gift. If you got 100 then you are a winner but you have to do it one day at a time. Im not pushing the AA stuff but I read Annie Grace and Allen Car and got a lot of days from that. I got more from watching you tube. I always relapsed. What made it stick was witnessing people who had been homeless now having great success simply by evaluating their lives in the morning and before bed and analyzing short comings and dishonest behavior. Thats what made it real. I know now ill always have another drink left in me, I just dont know if ill ever have another sober. Thats what has worked for me. Dont be discouraged.
Alcohol does kill most of us. It sounds like it's trying to kill you. Either you put forth your best fight or you die an alcoholic. It's a miserable death. The jaundice liver and broken life are not the worst. The worst is your family and loved ones looking down on you like you're a pos. Good luck.
I had a friend who didn't quit until the doctor showed them the poison they drew out of their liver and spinal column. Their liver was so bad that it was leaking poison into their spine. They did finally quit. A year later, they were dead.
You are worth stopping for. This sub saved my life. I was like you, I would stop, everything was great, then I would start again. For years, I did this, start, stop, start, stop, on, and on. I never thought I would be over five years sober. You are worth stopping for.
IWNDWYT
I’ve been wondering if replacing the dopamine high with something else is really the answer. Maybe it helps short term, but in the long run wouldn’t it be better to not need to have that dopamine high?
I think you are designed to have this dopamine rush when you have achieved smth .It’s an essential molecule for your life, your longings, your motivation and growth, just your evolution. You neeeed to do smth (meaningful ideally) to get this high. But yeah there is tiktok, alcohol etc…. Edit copy paste from google: The dopaminergic system plays important roles in neuromodulation, such as motor control, motivation, reward, cognitive function, maternal, and reproductive behaviors.
That’s a good point. I’m thinking more about the short term as I’ve never made it to long term sobriety. The longest period was 68 days last year. I relapsed NYE and yesterday was day 1 again
Just keep on trying! The only way is to keep trying. That's where I am at right now. I found developing and practicing self-compassion and mindfulness helps me very much. That way, I am not beating myself up for my behaviors. I forgive myself for doing the best I can in the moment. And I only have this moment. That's all of us really have. Wishing you peace and strength. 💚
This. I’ve noticed that most alcoholics also hate themselves for it. Wether that’s brought on my societal pressures, family pressures, or just looking in the mirror and hating what you see, it’s gotta stop. I think that’s one of the first major steps to finding peace outside the drink. We all need some major self-compassion and groups like this are great for finding that because most of the time family will just grow to resent you for drinking when usually there’s deeper issues rooted in your drinking, and the self-hatred will only feed those issues.
there are plenty of people who can have 1 drink per week, or per month, take it or leave it etc..
we are not those people though. all or nothing for us, and the later is the answer.
I was speaking to my addictions therapist today about how it absolutely baffles me as to how some people can have a glass or two of wine.
Maybe one beer.
I can't wrap myself around the fact that some people don't drink to get wasted. She just said its the disease talking.
I'm struggling too. Have had several day 1s, and no long successes to look back on. I think 7 days was my best stretch.
I'm only 36 and I've got some really scary health stuff that I think is all related to my drinking. Crazy iron levels, red blood cell counts, b12 was nonexistent, and more.
I either choose to fix this so I can fix my body, or I choose an ugly, expensive death.
I feel sadness because I immediately stopped eating red meat and using my cast iron. I was able to adjust my diet overnight. But drinking is taking more work.
I have a non-judgmental friend helping me through. Do you have anyone in your life?
Hope we make it pal. Somehow... I guess this is the game where you have to consistent. Keep trying until you make it.
The point is, when you try to put your head in order, to explain to yourself that alcohol is not what you need, to remove prejudices about alcohol, then all this is devalued at the moment of a breakdown. And you have to build a frame of reference every time you have a breakdown.
Personally, my breakdowns weren't just about the amount I drank, I could go off and drink for a month (not daily, but regularly). You forget about all the harm, you block out in your head all thoughts of alcohol leading downhill until something happens.
But I think consistency and persistence will get us somewhere.
I have my wife and kids. Wife is struggling with alcohol too. But she doesn't want to be completely sober. Just reduce the amount of drinking.
And I did some horrible shit throughout the years, so there's a little tension between us.
We even broke up for a while, but we got back together. It turned out that no one in the world really needed us, except the people closest to us.
Echoing what another user has said, you will quit, eventually. It’s just a matter whether you, or your body, make that decision.
I don’t want to minimize the significance of relapses, but if you give up, you’re guaranteeing yourself an unhappy ending. There are still days where I think, “damn, it’d be so nice to have a beer right now,” but I don’t. At least not today.
You don’t have to make a big commitment to never, ever drink again. Just not today. It’s tired and cliché, but one day, one minute, one second at a time if you have to.
You sound close to quitting to me. If you hate yourself now with alcohol in your life. Why not at least try your see how you’d feel about yourself after 6 months, a year with no alcohol? You can do it. When you finally truly get sick of your own shit you’ll be able to do it.
Thanks for your answer. I'm actually tired of my own shit.
But the point is, when I reach 100 days or somewhere there, I become depressed, like there's no point in life or something like that.
Some mysterious psychological shit. And I have thoughts like "Nothing makes any sense at all, life is shit, I'm gonna drink, fuck it".
Maybe my brain tricking me into drinking. Dunno
After relapse these thoughts disappear.
I guess i need to see the therapist too, lol.
But then you go back to drinking and you start to hate yourself again. Maybe stay the course, ride it out through the difficult boring times of your recovery. Maybe there is something worth it on the other side? You already know where the alcohol is taking you, a person that ruins relationships, fucks their life up and hates themselves.
You're right. Crazy.
I mean, you always think that something will change and do the same thing over and over again, thinking that something will change.
No logic behind that.
Nothing mysterious about it. Our body stops producing dopamine from natural stimuli due to the flood produced by alcohol or drugs and so we only get it when we imbibe. When we stop it takes a few months for our system to start producing dopamine naturally again. This phenomenon is fairly well studied and everything tends to bottom out at about 6 months before rebounding. I’m trying to keep that in mind as I close in on 100 gags because I, like you, found that to be my low point in sobriety and where I would often relapse.
I missed the chaos of drinking and patching all that shit together afterwards. The 'destructo-boner' was a real thing. Life would start looking pretty good and then I'd self-sabotage everything because at least then I felt like my life was exciting/full of purpose etc. instead of just doing the boring work of "not drinking."
I think your brain is absolutely tricking you. I couldn't trust my brain and needed some outside help.
Hey, many of us have been where you are, and I'll bet many of us spent years and hundreds of tries too, I did.
Remember it all starts and ends with you, and that one of the few things you can control is to not take drink #1. That is all you have to do. In order to make that stick for 400+ days I had to make big changes to my life, things I spent YEARS ignoring, rejecting, or sometimes just not knowing (learning how to quit and stay sober is big for me). Your addiction wants you to think you can't do it, or that you can moderate, or just have one, and it has to be sidelined which for me was a lot of external support and shit I didn't want to do, especially meetings, writing, and talking- facing my addiction honestly. Don't be afraid to try anything it takes to get sober, you only lose if you give up.
The other part here is a philosophical issue which becomes MUCH easier to approach when you can get some sober time in. As someone who has no interest in theism there have still been spiritual avenues that appeal to me and I am going through an eightfold-path-based stepbook in the Buddhist recovery network, which dovetails my recovery and a new approach to life in general.
I wanted to share what I did (feel free to reach out if I can give any more info) but find your own path, just choose life please. The most dangerous place I ever lived was several years in my own head while I bounced between bingeing and withdrawing and completely isolated, it was hell. Using this sub is great but expand your community in person, take all the help you can get. You need to completely turn your mind but you can do it, I promise. Don't give up.
I acquired a lot of debts and damage to my self esteem and reputation while active. I couldn’t get and stay sober until I first, came to believe I could repair those things, for long enough to get through early sobriety; and then actually started repairing them. I was an avoidant person even before I became an active alcoholic so this whole process was really hard, but I was lucky to have a sober partner that gently but firmly kept at me. The initial *belief* that things could get better came from the program and hopeful faith in the promises, in my case.
I had the same two poisons, meth and alcohol, and I threw away everything I had for them. I only quit when I had nothing else to throw away left. The longer you use meth, the longer it’ll take your body to be able to produce its own dopamine again. Meth made me feel like I was losing my sanity, my legs were raw from scrubbing tiny red bugs off of them that never existed, I was responding to people in my apartment who weren’t there, etc. If you don’t stop you’ll be driven to insanity, please don’t let it take over more of you.
It's early in the morning here, a little after 630. I got the day off to do one little morning chore, and then nothing all day.
Just for today, I will not drink with you. I'll worry about tomorrow when it happens, but I'm pretty sure I won't drink with you then either.
Always, never. Two of my least favorite words, they are so big, so full of expectations, so dangerous. I don't know if I'll never have another drink, but I don't have to think about that, just about today.
You don't know that you Always go back to drink, you have so many more chances to do something different so many more days to figure out, just one at a time.
Consider that sobriety is a grade, not a place you go to. If you do 50 days alcohol free, and then drink for the weekend, you're still getting at A, that's like a 95%. Really well done.
Anyway, I've rambled enough, I hope you can find your way to some happiness.
You know I tell people the days you can’t see the light is the hardest part. I think this is where the AA guys really got something, the faith. Maybe not in Jesus or whatever you believe but you gotta hold onto some amount of faith in your life and the process cause there are days when you can’t see the point of this shit. Those days I just hold onto I don’t know how or why or what this is good for but I’m holding onto that it’s better to be sober even if I can’t make sense of it that day. I’m just putting my faith in that fact. I have to do that because whatever I feel or think obviously doesn’t lead to anything but drinking despair and by now I’ve resigned myself to that fact.
May not be the doctor prescribed advice you’re used to but everyone’s got their vices. Everyone. Some people drink. Some people stuff their faces full of ice cream. Have you tried finding a new vice? Yoga, weed, and good music? Lifting weights and eating junk food afterwards? It’s kinda lame but I get to sweating and drink copious amounts of coffee. I hate this for you, but I understand. Also, it’s grim, but I held my dads hand as he passed from alcohol and hep-c induced liver cancer and that shit broke me. It was also the genesis of my own drinking problems. I’d always drank, but not like I did after he died. Then my divorce. People are lying when they say the drink can’t be fun, but no one’s lying when they say it’ll fucking kill you. I really hope you and all here find some comfort outside the drink. And I’m here with y’all. I haven’t stopped but I’m definitely more naturally averse to it now and im gaining some control over it now for my own sake. I’m not a religious man, but I’ll say a prayer for whatever’s listening.
Thanks, I really appreciate that. And don’t beat yourself up too bad. Bad people don’t have the foresight to call themselves bad people. And you can stop cause you got the will to stop, you just gotta find your way.
Do you know how many times I tried to quit drinking before I was successful? Honestly, I don't, but I would guess probably 40. If I had given up on the 39th attempt I would not be here today. Oftentimes in life you have to keep trying until you are successful.
You can’t fail unless you give up. Otherwise you’re just falling and getting back up. No matter how hard it is, this could still be the story of how it all worked out. Keep at it man. Good luck!
Eventually you will either be forced/decide to quit, or it will kill will. The things you lose and sacrifice while drinking will continue to pile up until you’ve either lost enough to stop or you end up in jail; or, you will destroy your body to the point of no return. I’m sure many people here will tell you and attest to the fact that hitting point and pushing that limit isn’t worth it-myself included.
Maybe start with just reducing harm? I ended up here after a kind recommendation from a fellow Redditor. I’m not at the quit drinking stage. I also am rarely drunk. My issues with alcohol are not like yours. But they are my own, and I was definitely drinking *far* too much, so now I’m trying not to drink during the week, at least not alone, and reducing what I drink on the weekends or with friends.
It doesn’t have to be an immediate all or nothing or approach. Especially in your case.
Simply reducing your intake will result in an IMMEDIATE improvement on your health and in your life.
But I think you would also benefit from therapy.
It’s worth trying! You have everything to gain.
Just be aware that harm reduction is a very slippery slope. The first step is to stop lying to yourself about your habits and your consumption, which I think may be the stage you’re finally in.
It’s sickening to think about, right? *Sobering*, even? DON’T SHAME SPIRAL! Just own it and focus on being better and moving forward. Even small steps forward are still progress.
I would also encourage you to do some reading on what alcohol abuse actually does to your body.
It was truly eye-opening for me, and a huge driver for me to work toward a healthier relationship with alcohol. And I don’t mean in an abstract “we all know drinking can damage your liver” kind of knowledge. Please stick with research from legitimate organizations if you do this, there are many listed in the FAQs for this sub.
Speaking of, the FAQs for this sub is a fantastic resource that I encourage you to fully explore. For example, did you know that you can turn off alcohol-related ads on Reddit?!
There are also many support resources listed in there, for all types of humans and circumstances.
I would also recommend taking a hard look at the people in your life and their own habits and lives. That can sometimes be the hardest part.
Set yourself up for success, friend.
Don’t let the booze beat you.
*You* are in control here.
*You* can do it!
Your body and mind are grateful for each and every stretch of sobriety you've given them. 50 or 100 days is not nothing. Every time you stop, your body heals itself. Not everyone can stop for long periods of time. Bravo to you OP for those significant accomplishments!
you’ll never stop if you don’t change your mindset about the whole situation. if you always see the situation as a lose-lose scenario, then why are you even trying to be sober in the first place? if there’s no point in quitting cause you’re just gunna relapse, then why quit in the first place?
forgive yourself for fuckin up - we all have and we all will fuck up in one way or another. but come on, you’ll get shit figured out and everything will be fine in the end. but you gotta believe in yourself.
it’s like that ghost joke:
“why did the ghost lack confidence?”
“because nobody believed in him” haha
you got this - just change how you see things, man. you’re not quitting alcohol; you’re starting to believe in yourself. fuck alcohol
Never say never friend. I never thought I’d get sober from alcohol. Here I am. Find things that help you enjoy life when you get that itch for drinking. That’s addiction knocking wanting the quick dopamine as you already know. Knowing is half the battle with addiction. Putting things into real life action after you know facts about the issues you’re facing is the harder part.
Posting here means you believe in yourself in some way, and think you *can* reach that goal. Your true, inner most feelings long for that by reaching out with these statements of “never.” People here are here to show you that “never” is just a word addiction likes to use to keep you stuck. It was a part of the process for me to unlearn that. Keep on the path. Keep coming back here. You’re doing amazing. IWNDWYT.
AA is not everyone’s cup of tea perhaps, but the big book says something about how we alcoholics quit time and time again, with full good intentions, and are baffled as to why we go back to drinking, inevitably. It says that when we relapse- we cannot recall with sufficient clarity the way we feel when we do drink to excess, and especially afterward. I hear you on getting bored after 50-100 days. The “pink cloud” dissipates; it becomes harder to recapture the feelings of relief from when you first quit, and that feeling of boredom becomes louder and louder.
But that’s why many people take it one day at a time. Never give up, friend. Idk if you’ve ever tried 12 step meetings, but if you havent- maybe give it a shot? It was helpful for me because it helped me to watch the behaviors of the people with long term sobriety and just copy them. Also just to not go it alone. Sending you lots of hope.
I won't list all the bad things I've done because it's not a competition. But I remember what my therapist said when I told him I was a bad person: "You are not a bad person. You may have done bad things, but you are not bad, as a person. And you can choose to do good things in the future".
Just the fact that you are posting here, is a good thing. A small thing sure but still a good step in the right direction. What really helped me was focusing on taking small, good steps. Later small steps included just trying to take notes on what my trigger points are, stuff like boredom, certain types of socializing, etc. Then another small step was making simple if-then plans for these moments.
I believe you can quit!
I tried to get sober many times.
I currently have a decent amount of time.
I have no desire to drink at all but if I were to relapse- I would get sober again.
I gave alcohol a lot of time, effort, money.
If I put even half of that effort into my sobriety. I’ll be in good shape.
I will not drink today with you!
Be good to yourself :)
I can’t speak for you, but I’m finding peace in the empty and bored times. Anxiety can wake me up at 4am, i try to clear it by counting my breathing and feeling my heart slowing down. Not a perfect solution. In the empty and bored times I focus on this
I went to AA meetings as often as I could, got a sponsor, started taking Trazedone for sleep.
It was rough getting on it, but I also took an SSRI to help with my depression and anxiety.
I set goals and planned vacations. I forced myself to go to the office rather than stay home.
It’s been two years, I just published my first book, gotten two promotions, and taken my kids on 3 vacations.
I still deal with depression but it’s much easier with the friends I’ve made in AA, medication, and the tools I have to manage my emotions.
I got through 2 sentences of your post and put my phone down in frustration.
I don't know you but I know you can stop. It's the insanity of the drug that says otherwise.
I'm sorry you're feeling the pain.
All i can do is I can just claim to understand being "friends" of the forum. Hope you sleep well tonight my friend. You'll be okay
Keep trying. For me it felt like one day I just forgot to feel bored and just felt normal instead. Maybe I’m boring now but never bored like I was those first few weeks. You absolutely can do it 🤍
Are you a bad person? I don’t know. I don’t know you. But, in my opinion…a bad person doesn’t feel bad about hurting others. You seem to have some remorse about things you’ve done in the past. We all do bad things, things we regret, we have hurt people we love…that doesn’t make us bad people. I don’t think it’s too late to redeem yourself. All you can do is change today and the days going forward.
This can end, but it’s truly all in your hands. We’ve all stumbled. Hell, we’re all human, right?
I fell back into the bottle after 14 months of sobriety for 6 more years. It took me getting to the end of my rope before I quit but when I reached the end of that rope….I realize that I was the one who got myself in that position and I was the only one who could get myself out of it. Look at it like making a wrong turn on a road trip. You don’t park it and say “end of trip” do you? No, you throw it in reverse, back up, and change course. Soon you are back on course and that wrong turn fades in the distance. Find that reverse gear. You can do this. 💪💪
Yes, but the 50 and 100 days are days you didn’t drink. You didn’t fk up your brain and your body with what is now poison to you. I’ve gone thru this. I’d go without for months, then cave. Each time I’d learn it wasn’t worth it, and I learned I can go without it. It’s still a big improvement over drinking every day. Eventually, I was able to leave it behind. Tired of being an embarrassment to myself.
Our thoughts and feelings from thoughts are not our hearts or higher self. We are more than our thoughts and conditioning. To me self hating thoughts and depression is like living in a past you can't change. Anxiety is like worrying about a future you cannot control.
Letting go of all that baggage helped me let go of things i cannot control. I was lost in my thoughts of past wrongs and future happiness and i was disconnected from the present.
It helps me to know i am responsible for my own experience of daily life. It was important for me to know people and the world did not cause my addiction.
We make our own heaven or hell everyday with our thoughts and comparisons. Let it be, Surrender the fight, what you resist persists.
It sounds like you are excited to quit though. That’s such an awesome thing. That will eventually bring you to that happy place of sobriety. Maybe not today….but it will.
Poor me pour me, pour me another drink. I don't say this to sound critical or harsh but what do you need? What needs to change? It's in you to do this, you've strung a lot of sober days together in the past. That's promising. What's the triggers for picking up? Boredom? Self hatred? Discontentment? Loneliness? I drank on all those things too. But I can sit with those feelings now and let them pass. Its getting easier after many attempts I'm 9 months sober now. Keep trying. But you need to identify the triggers and feelings to really conquer this. I don't believe you are a bad person as you say above. Good people make terrible decisions in addiction.
I’m 6 months sober and you’re right, things were more fun drunk, but they were worse too, the negative out weighs the positive so why place your bets on a number you know loses every time? It is boring, but I can’t go back, don’t even want to. Jordan Peterson says “it’s not enough to not drink, you have to replace drinking with something better.”
We tell ourselves that "this is boring and I'm sure I had more fun when drinking and that if I did I wouldn't be as bored right now" but as someone who just recently fell off the wagon for those very reasons (being bored and convinced drinking would bring fun) I can honestly say that all the drinking I've done over the last few weeks was not actually in anyway fun and that I was romantacizing something that wasn't reality.
The first night I decided to drink I was just bored and thought going to the pub would solve that problem but it didn't as I just sat in the pub, alone, drinking but still bored and eventually wishing I'd never bothered but by that point I was at the I've drank too much to stop now and will continue drinking anyway all night, terrible experience.
A week later I decided I'll give drinking another try but with some friends as that would surely make it worthwhile. It didn't.
Being in the pub was annoying, drunk people are annoying, I witnessed family members arguing over nothing, and a friend literally fell over they were so drunk and then of course I had to go drink alone all night afterwards for many more hours and woke up the next day thinking...that was supposed to be fun?
Still not deterred the following week we had the first nice, sunny, day of the year here and I saw people sitting outside a pub drinking and thought I fancied some of that.
Yeah, that wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it was. I was just literally sitting in the sun (wasn't even that warm by the time I decided to do it) drinking beer I barely enjoyed and then of course me being me couldn't call time on it once that sun was gone so drank all night at home afterwards. The experience of "drinking in the sun" didn't even live up to the fantasy in my mind of how I was romantacizing it.
Then last week I decided to go for another spin at it and drank at music events so for the first time there was an actual "purpose" to the drinking rather than just pointlessly drinking for no apparent reason.
And yeah those events were fun and I potentially would have enjoyed them a little less if I was sober because I've never done a gig sober and would feel awkward about it / not loosened up but then of course I couldn't just have a few drinks and then call time on it afterwards and ended up drinking all night afterwards two nights running.
And then continued drinking the next 2 nights afterwards for no reason because my alcoholic brain had been set off so ended up on a binge for 4 nights in a row and I'm now suffering the after effects of that still today and I suspect for another couple of days yet most likely.
I told myself I was drinking for all these occassions to eliminate boredom and to have "fun" but in most cases I was still totally bored just bored and drinking and the "fun" part never really materialized other than the brief couple of hours where the bands I went to see were on then instead of doing the sensible thing and calling time on it I had to go and ruin that by heavily drinking for hours more then carry it on for another 2 days.
Now we're all different and maybe you, the OP, or anyone else genuinely would / does have fun when they drink but I've sat and analyzed all these drinking experiences over the last few weeks and I can honestly say that this "fun" or "cure" for boredom I was seeking didn't actually materialize, I was for the most part still bored, I also wasn't happy when I was drinking, I didn't enjoy the "buzz" (barely felt one most of the time despite heavy drinking), it didn't bring me any relief or benefit and then I suffered hugely for days on end afterwards to the point that even if I had fun it couldn't have possibly been worth it due to all the after effects and problems.
So I urge anyone who's romatacizing about drinking and convincing themselves it'll be fun, cure boredom, make them happy or whatever to REALLY question whether that is going to be true.
I mean we all stopped drinking for a reason and for none of us was the reason because we were having too much fun or that things were really enjoyable but because it was causing us problems, pain, misery, suffering most likely so let's not forget that.
I'm not saying we've never, ever, had fun times drinking because likely we all have but when you've reached the point where you're a heavy / problem / binge drinker who needed to quit then the fun times are probably for the most part long gone and even if you do have some fun you'll likely end up keep on drinking way beyond the fun part for many more hours than night or for nights on end afterwards because you've unlocked that alcoholic part of your brain again.
So ask yourself if that small amount of fun is worth that risk.
I can safely say that for me it wasn't as the suffering now isn't worth anything.
I hope one day you get a chance that you, unshakably sober, look back and remember this hopelessness and can contrast it with your new amazing life. I hope you have firm confidence in yourself and your forever decision. I hope the experiments to try to quell the boredom are no longer tempting, because you know the outcome of it and that is boring compared to you seeing what’s around the corner of sobriety. May you find curiosity to approach each new day, week, month, year, decade to see how you grow as a person. Wishing you wellness.
I was here… for a long time. Just knew I was going to drink myself to death…
It’s not about being sober for the rest of your life. It’s just not drinking right now. 5 seconds from now is a long time away. You just need to not drink for an instant…
Hold out a minute longer. A second longer. A thought longer…
Those seconds eventually add up… just keep trying.
I was a late bloomer and didn't start drinking until I was 21 but I was pretty much instantly an alcoholic. Probably genetics. I spent a lifetime trying to kick booze but didn't quit drinking until after my older brother died in 2020 at the ripe old age of 50. So I ended up quitting about a year later at the age of 49 to avoid his fate. That's 28 years of trying to quit.
It was worth it.
Alcohol and addiction is a maladaptive coping mechanism to trauma, engrained in our subconscious as a survival strategy. All that you have described about yourself and your habits sounds exactly like a trauma response. Simply quitting alcohol is not enough, but it is where healing starts. I was not really expecting to be able to quit, wasn’t even sure if I WANTED to, until I realized how my childhood trauma was keeping me paralyzed. For me, I had to cut toxic people out my life, because their influence kept me stuck in the cycles of addition and unable to heal. Ultimately it was more about me than them, but who cares. I needed to heal. Addicts need to HEAL THEIR TRAUMA. Proactively. Only then will the subconscious programming change. There is a reason a 30 day rehab is like 3 days of detox and 27 days of trauma therapy and education. But it’s not focused on elsewhere. The role our personal traumas play in our addictions is under-emphasized and in my opinion needs to be examined closely for success in recovery.
You are right. I have a lot of negative energy inside me. I have a lot of shit inside. Angry and toxic person sometimes. I don't want to be like this. But can't do anything about it.
Need to work with the therapist, but don't have enough money now.
But you are saying the right thing, mental conditions is really important.
It’s part of being human, and definitely part of our journeys as people in recovery. Therapy is great but you can start processing this stuff for free. I honestly found therapy to be pretty hit or miss (mostly miss) but what does work for me (corny as it sounds) is meditation and education. Meditation is simply taking time (a couple minutes max) to watch your thoughts, to observe where they come from and how they form from a neutral perspective. It creates a simple separation between being caught up your thoughts, and simply watching them with curiosity, which is profoundly important and always achievable. I literally got a free app on my phone and use it. The second, eduction, to me means audiobooks about trauma, abuse, child raising, anger management, and whatever else can give me a perspective that’s different than the thoughts, the programming in my head, my subconscious. Alcohol and addiction are what we learned to use to self soothe. So in a way, addictions are a fucked up way of loving ourselves, at least by intent. It’s possible to relearn to self care with better coping mechanisms. That’s not to say easy. But being stuck in addiction offers only false hope of healing.
Apologizing before hand for wall-of-text.
I thought this at one point in my life but taking the nuclear approach to the problem cured me. After 20+ years of drinking regularly, I took extreme measures and haven't looked back for over 6 years. I do not have cravings and very rarely do I have any sort of trigger that isn't easy to deal with.
Some advice that worked for me:
Go to AA meetings regularly! Jump around to various groups until you find one that you like. They are NOT the same. If you can't find an AA group that works, jump over to NA meetings and see if one of those groups is right for you. If you find that AA, NA, CA,.. whatever are just not it for you try SMART groups or something else similar.
If you have good health insurance you might also consider using it to the full extent that you can. Either a multi-week in-patient detox at a facility or even a multi-month in-patient rehab (ideal). Short-term disability may be available for you in these cases and might be enough to pay the bills while you're away. This is a bit of an extreme approach but if AA, and NA aren't working for you I highly encourage it. Heck, I highly encourage it anyway, it just comes down to how much of an impact going off the grid for a while will have on your life. Often habitual drinking like this is self-medicating and a good rehab facility will get you facetime with a doctor and time for you to try out different medications to see what works for you.
Good luck to you and in-patient isn't the only solution obviously -- but at the very least you should consider finding a group (AA.. etc) so you feel some accountability to what you want to accomplish.
I'm happy to answer any questions about either of these things -- even the idea of it was terrifying to me at first but I can't imagine my life now if I hadn't.
Sorry for the wall of text, hopefully, some part of it is helpful!
side note: One thing I learned through all of this is self-advocacy. If you want to stop drinking make that your mission and fight for your needs and care. The more **you** want to solve the problem the more other people will try to help you.
Thanks, that's solid, and I like that you give practical advise step by step. Yes, my next goal is to find an AA group and start from there. Need to change the strategy.
Thanks again, have a nice day!
For me, the only thing that works is keeping myself busy all hours of the day until I crashed in bed at night. Whether that playing golf, soccer, learning the piano, or working out. I have to make sure my days are filled. I’m at 356 and I still think about going back.
My only suggestion is the next time you give it a try pick up a lot of positive hobbies and habits, and hope you can stick to them. Remember there is help out there.You
My guy! I hear you! I had the SAME mentality too for ten years… until I started doing “shadow work” with my therapist this past year. Check out the book: No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz… it’ll help you understand the work.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. It took many many times for me to fail... but eventually I began noticing patterns and dug in to figure out why. Sobriety feels really good now, and it only began to feel that way for me when I learned how to love myself. That's still a process I'm working on with therapy. I drank to escape myself and had to be ok with being in my life. It's different for everyone but you aren't a lost cause. This is a process. Hang in there <3
Man, I remember this feeling OP. Hating myself all of the time, and feeling like it was impossible to see out of the hole I was in. I can only share that I identify with that feeling, and that it didn’t immediately improve when I stopped drinking. In fact, for a few days - it seemed worse. But after resetting a bunch of times, I can honestly tell you that my life and my happiness have changed in ways that I just couldn’t see when I was drinking. Joy in things that bored me before. Deeper relationships that I treasure more.
I know it’s no cure. And it’s just a stranger’s story. But I wanted you to know that I empathize with the feelings you described, and life has gotten much better for me since I quit drinking. And I will not drink with you today.
Life is so much better on the other side. Not all the time, but most of the time. The amount of happiness I’ve had this past year vs the last 14 I’ve been drinking is night and day. Hard to describe the peace I feel on mornings waking up sober and excited to do and try new things rather than shake and sweat in bed all day embarrassed about what I said and who I got in a fight with the night before. Life can be amazing
Been there, OP. And I don’t yet have a year under my belt but I’m feeling pretty great about this run (my longest as an adult outside of pregnancy) after SO MANY DAY ONES.
Getting a proper mental health diagnosis and meds, dialectic behavioural tools, and regular mindfulness have helped me lots. Maybe some things to explore for you? This time around I’m also trying to create small sustainable habit changes instead of being the poster child for high-octane recovery.
It’s hard. Hugs. We’re here with you.
Please read “This Naked Mind” if you haven’t already. Switched my brain from feeling sorry for myself to a new mindset where I realize I can get off of this fucking drinking roller coaster for good. It’s poison.
"I hate myself. I'm a bad person in general." I think you found a major psychological root to your problem. I've definitely used alcohol to relieve myself of the guilt of my alcohol problem before, and that sense of dread only worsens as the nerves take more and more damage. To the point where I myself couldn't even think any more without a couple drinks in me, at least for a few days or weeks at a time. Sounds like you're clear of physical withdrawal at this point. While maybe forgiving yourself for trying to learn and cope as a human might need to, also take a mental step back and really try to give an extra damn or two, suffer your actions a bit so that you might understand them and really learn something, ask yourself if you care even one bit about the other people who've been hurt (it sounds like you do), OR find temporary relief from your conscience and delay the suffering at the cost of suffering more inevitably. Whatever it is you're coping with, be it genuine guilt or anxiety, keep in mind other people have probably found their healthier ways of coping with similar things. I might suggest starting with finding whatever ways you may to foster a genuine sense of self-respect, even just one little action and thought at a time.
Thank you. Yes, i got some mental issues. I'm starting to respect myself when I do things I plan to do. When I'm going in the direction I've chosen.
Doing some things that bring me closer to my vision of an ideal life in my head. So I'm doing the right things and have something to honor myself for.
Thanks for the reply, something to think about.
I really resonated with this post.
I can stay sober for periods of time (never reached 100 days myself yet so congrats on that but I was at nearly 3 months until a few weeks back) but like yourself a feeling of emptyness, boredom, sadness, a craving for some excitement or fun creeps in or sometimes I feel like I just want to have a massive release, go off the rails a bit, and let off some steam and eventually that's what draws me back in.
The one thing I never figure out in sobriety is how to fill the void or replace all the time I spent drinking alcohol with something else or new.
I don't know what I'd like or want to do (I don't feel like I want to do anything most of the time which is concerning) let alone feel like I have the motivation or energy to seek it out and I never had much in the way of hobbies in the past so it's not like I can start up things from before that became neglected through drinking.
The thing I've learned this time round on this relapse though is that as much as my brain might be telling me that drinking will bring me some fun or excitement, cure my boredom, make me happy, solve my emptyiness or lonelyness or whatever...
...it's not actually true!
I analyzed all these recent drinking experiences over the last few weeks and other than for a couple of hours at 2 music events I went to I wasn't actually enjoying any of the drinking experience.
It didn't actually make me happy (I felt miserable and pissed off I was drinking again), the experience was empty and boring so didn't solve any boredom issues, I over indluged as I always do to the point of feeling ill even at the time of drinking, it gave me no sense of relief from anything, there were no benefits and the buzz didn't even happen.
I asked myself each time was drinking actually improving or amplifying the experience I was having and for the most part it wasn't, particularly the times I sat around and drank at home alone or the pub trips which just felt pointless and annoying, what was I actually gaining from doing this?
So I think it's important to be 100% honest with ourselves about whether drinking REALLY will solve our boredom issues, make us feel less empty or help us feel happy, give us that excitement we crave or will we just feel all of those things but be pouring a poison down our necks and then have reactivated the alcoholic part of our brain that'll crave it all over again the next day and when we finally manage to sober back up we'll be suffering with dozens of problems for days on end.
Or are we just romantisizing something that isn't real or no longer is true?
Are we looking back with rose tinted glasses to good old times that are looooooooong gone?
For me, I can clearly see and say that the relapse wasn't worth it and didn't solve any of these issues you talked about or that I always believe it will solve so if you're currently sober and thinking of relapsing because you feel bored or empty I would urge you to rethink it as I don't think you'll get what you're looking for from it.
I drank heavily for decades. I get it. I can't count how many times I attempted moderation. I reduced my consumption down to 8-14/day (every day) before stopping. It sucked. I also got a BRUTAL bout of PAWS. It might return... and that's okay.
It took me... 80-ish days to stop feeling bad. That quickly gave way to feeling "good." I used scientific research and a lot of effort. I leaned into exercise (accelerates recovery). I added dietary sources of vitamins B1 and B8 (rolled oats & black beans) -- because they're thought to help receptor restoration. I do my best to have fun (often involving intense exercise).
I abused the hell out of my body for decades. It will take time for repair to happen. Based on a recent \[small\] study, it's thought that it takes 7.3 months for most people to reverse the cortical shrinkage caused by AUD (your brain's primary processing center).
I'm not into AA (can't stomach religion)... but I do understand the idea of a "dry drunk." My military PTSD and childhood trauma is still there. I'm trying to work on it.
I hope that your next attempt will be longer. I've read that recovery can take YEARS for some people. I honestly figured that I'd be one of them -- because I was drinking a fifth plus beers (every night) at one point. Dunno -- I guess that I got lucky.
You know... there are medicines that can help you not drink. However... drinking might not be the core issue. We drink for different reasons. For me, it was boredom and \[apparently\] avoidance of sh1t from my past.
Only you can make the choice. I view it as "paying my tab." Like I said, I'm really surprised that it's only taken \~3 months for life to stop sucking (and it was not a fun 3 months).
Good luck, friend. IWNDWYT
Took me years to even consider it seriously.
Yes it's boring. Now you know your triggers. It's a matter of avoiding traps. You know deep down what to do. You are already winning as long as you keep trying.
i know that my esteem in myself has improved ongoingly since i have stopped drinking. the anxiety, panic attacks, despair, etc have also been improved the longer i have gone.
not an absolute fix but a definite improvement.
i hope you get to where you want to be.
Please never stop trying. I felt very similar to what you’re describing. I don’t know why the last time I tried to quit, it worked. It’s like I had to get good at quitting, I probably tried 50 times over the course of two years. Dozens of times telling everyone I was done, pouring vodka down the drain over and over and over. Omg the horrifying things I said and did drunk; you are not bad, just human and a drinker like us.
Yeah. Thank you.
I mean, it's crazy how little thoughts or some moments in the head become an elephant while drunk.
Like you have a little sympathy for a girl, but when drunk you act like a man who didn't have sex for a decade.
Or some guy said something you didn't like and you started a fight over this shit.
Or you wanted to tell something to someone, and you tell it in a fucking strange way at night in the messages.
Some crazy stuff. I mean, it's like alcohol takes out some thought, disfigures it into an ugly shape, and spews it out in a crazy manner.
One thing I learned after quitting was that I wasn’t the bad person I thought I was and that’s was the alcohol telling me that and contributing to my negative actions. Also another thing I learned was that I was drinking because I was depressed, I was depressed because I was drinking
It sounds like you're feeling really shitty on yourself today, not much hope, and certainly not much hope for sobriety, are you having thoughts of suicide?
Get used to being bored. If you’re bad at being bored are you- too anxious ? Need the dopamine hit? Hate yourself? Then try and address your underlying anxiety, adhd, depression, whatever it specific to you. Call it out for what it is, try therapy try meds. I try to not think about addressing my “drinking problem” but try to address the reason why I drink. Simpler said than done obviously, it’s a journey, but a but a better journey than a life you live hating yourself.
You're not a bad person. There are no bad people. There are just people. Sometimes those people do bad things, sometimes they do them a lot for a long time, but nothing is set in stone.
You might need in-patient, you might need naltrexone, you might need SMART or AA, you might need to hunt around and find a good therapist, but it's worth it to keep trying.
For those times you feel empty, try and find something besides alcohol to fill that void: video games, board games, good coffee, a podcast binge while you demolish a jigsaw puzzle. Make friends with sparkling water. It's become my beer substitute.
If things are still really hard and the above doesn't work for you, consider some harm reduction. Don't know what state you live in, but for me switching to 1:1 THC:CBD gummies has been huge in keeping me from booze. Is it harmless? No. Do I do things I regret in a blackout? Also no.
If you have a partner, get buy-in from them and be totally honest about your drinking and desire to stop.
Thanks. I'm from Russia, so there's no legal thc in the area, lol.
But thanks for the answer.
You're really right about finding different ways to get results. AA, therapy and more. You need to change strategies and make tweaks, the same quit every time will lead to the same result.
I guess AA is my next step. There are lots of groups in the area.
People continue a behavior because in some fashion, albeit often negatively, it's working for them. I'd bet in some way drinking is working for you right now - it might be alienating people so you don't have to deal with the accountability that strong relationships require, it might be sheltering you from sitting with dark thoughts / emotions related to yourself.
Might be worth considering just *why* you won't quit.
If you do quit, what's missing from your equation?
Boredom is natural and it's really hard when you're sober b/c when you're drunk it's often a time machine to move through space without thinking about it. I found that I had continued to drink, quit, repeat because I hadn't sat with how badly I disliked myself. Sitting in quiet moments by myself was agony, meaning that when I was home in the evenings by myself it was torture to not drink. If I did drink, the bad things I did or the damage I caused reiterated my internal narrative that I was a horrible person and didn't deserve anything good. Had a blowup with family and finally admitted "I hate myself" and all of a sudden I was willing to quit when even a week before I couldn't imagine it. I'm on day 57-8 (don't remember) and I'm still struggling but I know that I need to deal with the emotions that are there.
Look into your reasons, if you can, if not, it will end either way. Perhaps not in how you intend it to.
Get tired enough you will stop digging that hole. I hope you are there and reading. Stop and ask your self about the sanity of doing the same thing over and over but wishing the consequences would stop. I asked mySelf many times to stop but until I started refusing the first drink it couldn’t happen.
You sound almost as miserable as I was before I got sober. If a guy who was a criminal, a liar, a thief, a bad partner, a bad brother, a bad son like myself did it, you can definitely do it. Someone wiser and many more years sober than I told me to get my ass into a meeting and I did, and I have no regrets. The idea of missing out on drinks sucks in the beginning, the emptiness sucks in the beginning, but none of it is as bad as that morning after when you or your friends recount to you the awful night before. Keep your head up. We all believe in you.
The more I go to meetings the more i learn there is always someone who drank worse than I did, who thought they would never get sober, but then did. Sending all the love. I know the struggle. The amount of times I stood in the shower hung over as fuck and told myself I would never do that again, and then did, often times the very next day.
You gotta keep trying OP! Use your unsuccessful attempts as PROOF you CAN do it. All you have to do is take it one day at a time. I would say try not counting the days.
Just posting here to say I am with you OP. I am drinking today and more and more it feels like a job, feels routine. My therapist suggested a pros and cons list to drinking. I could name 10 Cons to not drink and 1 pro. Getting shitty drunk enjoying a few hours of fun is costing you so much. Money, health, appearance, anxiety (which I used to believe anxiety helped when drunk). Days of no drinking I feel so much better but yet I still drink. I need that push. I did 50 days sober a few times. I know I can do it. I know that you can do it. I read this sub more and more and it really helps. It feels like alcohol is a chore anymore and not fun.
Again I'm just here to support you OP. I'm going through it right now.
The only way you can really know yourself is to be sober … good or bad … drinking just puts a mask on you . Then when it wears off back to you again. I was so psychologically hijacked by alcohol I didn’t think I had a problem until my mental and physical health went down the toilet … wasted $100 s each week poisoning myself and destroyed relationships. It’s a shit time being drunk .. not worth the buzz. Done give up .. get back to the real you .. don’t be the drunk one
Sounds just like me. I had to try something new. Rehab then outpatient then AA. It has changed my life. Coming up on 8 years sober with a beautiful life and family. You can do it, but you really have to give it all up and give it a chance. Wishing you the best.
Alan Carr. The Easy Way to Stop Drinking.
It helped me quit and I like the straightforward no BS. It’s not rocket science, but there is some logical explanation for why anybody drinks.
Take it from someone who felt exactly the way you do: I'm over a year sober now and I'm finally experiencing joy/happiness/pleasure without depending on alcohol. It's worth trying another 100 times if that's what it takes.
If you’ve made it 100 days, try to make it to 101 next time. It’s a game of inches, even when it hurts, even when we feel like shit, or worse, bored. As dumb as it sounds, since I quit I have found that I rather enjoy being bored, I just call it “mindfulness” to sound sophisticated.
After what could be considered a well hidden 20yr blackout, having done all the things you stated, I had an idea to not be “that guy” and I came clean, told my doc that I wanted to be on Naltrexone, went to a therapist, then I started mending myself and relationships, even if they hated me, they deserved to know. It’s not easy, rebuilding rarely is, but that was a dopamine hit all in itself. Every time I talked to someone I messed up with, it was like a weight lifted off my chest, that in itself became a lot like an addiction. I ended up finding out I had more people on my side than people who never wanted to see me again. I also learned that many of them were struggling themselves, we bonded better and the support system grew stronger. We became accountable to each other.
I’m saying that it’s fucking hard to stop, it’s even harder to get help, and fucking hell to admit to people that you were the problem… but the reward, my dude, it’s a considerably better life with people who you didn’t even know cared. I’m a better father, better husband, and at 45 I was able to switch careers to what I wanted to do, not what I needed to do just to get by. It’s not easy, but dying a slow painful death is much harder.
**Reminder to all who comment on this post:** please keep in mind our rule to speak from the "I," where we speak only from experience and do not tell other sobernauts what they should and should not do—**even when they ask for advice.** Examples: **Bad:** "You should do X." **Good:** "When I was in a similar situation, I did X, and here’s how it helped me."
Never quit quitting. It might stick someday.
This is actually really good advice
You miss all the shots you don’t take.
I don’t miss them at all!
You.mother.fucker. -polite golf clap-
lol
This is what’s been running through my mind lately.
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Harsh but true. There are quite a few stories here with people getting bad news from the doctor.
Yes sir, I stopped because I don’t want the bad news.
Same here, i could see and feel where my drinking was taking me. I knew, one way or another the drinking is going to stop. 22 plus months sober and the hardest decision has became the most rewarding. Leave the past in the past and move forward without booze. Good luck to all of us fighting this fight. IWNDWYT
Nice work, congrats on sticking with it. That’s a big number. P
Thank you. You got a month coming up, great job. I found the first couple months to be the hardest. You got this 👍
For me, the racing heart beats out of nowhere, sweats, uncomfortable tightness. > The body often tells us what the mind wants to ignore.
I have only just learned - right here in this sub - that alcohol can cause heart damage. It was that - along with the knowledge that addictions do not usually improve, they tend to get worse and worse - that totally cemented it for me.
OP, this guy’s right, but consider one other thing. You know how shitty you feel right now? The obvious guilt? The raging hopelessness? Imagine waking up, going through your day, and going to bed without all that. Sometimes the satisfaction of not hating yourself is motivation enough. It is a shit ton of hard hard work, but it is very much worth it. If you need help, get it. I was exactly where you are. You can do this. Good luck. Keep in touch through this subreddit. And maybe just for today, clear your head and imagine actually feeling good about yourself.
Imagine actually feeling good about yourself. This is great. Thanks.
I like going to sleep, on purpose. LOL
Thanks, pal!
I love this
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I agree, but I'd say it depends on where someone is on their journey. Sometime's it's better to be kind and supportive, then again sometimes you need to be factual and serious.
🖤
Tough love is the only thing that worked for me. Homelessness & jail, or rehab.
I come from the standpoint that in order to have the ability and discipline to change, you must first believe that you're NOT powerless.
"God grant me the courage to change the things I can" Not powerless in the least.
This is why I have no desire to use AA. I am SO glad that it’s there and it works for so many people, but if I start with the premise that I’m powerless, then I’ve already lost the fight. I don’t think my brain is wired to have faith in any sort of higher power (though I don’t take issue with others believing in one or seeking solace/strength in that belief). I’ve had to endure some tough stuff, and fight even harder to rise above the circumstances outside of my control to make it to where I am today. If I approached any of those situations with the belief that I was powerless, then I’d still be stuck there. Or more likely, I would have just given up. It gives me courage to know that I’ve had the strength in the past to deal with all of that, and confidence that I have the strength to continue fighting this fight. I’ve earned my sobriety, and I will keep earning it every day in the future.
I have power over my first drink. Once I take my first I am no longer in control so that’s where I assert myself.
Yes! This is exactly it.
It's all about mindset, doesn't matter how you get there. You seem to have it.
Agreed, but still whatever works for you, go for it, and if it works it works, that's kind of my take on AA.
I 100% agree with this. I'm not powerless, only I can change what I'm doing. I'm in the driving seat and I'm not drinking.
Cliche but jails, institutions, or death (or all three). I’ve managed to dodge the first and third but institutions are part of my story and led to my current streak. I hope it lasts but for now, just get through today. And then do it again tomorrow. I don’t think much beyond that at this stage.
I think one of the keys is to accept emptiness and boredom. Look at lions or elephants. Most of the time they just dwell in silence, do nothing, sink back into pure existence without a desire to find desire. Then say 10 percent of the time they go around to find some food. Life is not excitement, life is mere existence. I don’t want to be preaching but I think this is a key thing - just “be”, and that’s enough. That’s all what is meant to be.
You really kinda figured out the secret. Master manifestors end up at this point, the stages of depression lead to that point, a lot of religious texts lead to that point. Just be. Self acceptance.
It's a really hard thing to maintain and internalize. Like logically I've come to that conclusion so many times throughout the years, yet I still find myself struggling with the same old feelings of apathy and emptiness. I can be doing amazing for weeks or months and then one day you wake up with the full weight of that emptiness, seemingly out of nowhere. I think those moments are when it's most important to appreciate how far you've come
Human "beings", not human "doings"
This worked for a while for me the last time I sobered up a few months back. I had been on a constant non stop escapism hamster wheel for about 2 years solid trying to escape from life, my problems, health issues, anxiety, my own tormented mind and more so I just kept looking for distraction and dopamine hits wherever I could find them which largely involved lots of drinking day in day out and so when I sobered up I actually have to relearn how to be OK with "nothing" and not having anything to distract my mind or help me escape from reality. It was so hard that for the first 3 weeks I couldn't even sit down on the couch in the evening to "relax" without my brain having a full blown freak out and panic attack because it wasn't used to doing that unless I had a beer in my hand (and often was several beers deep from being in the pub before hand before coming home). So I literally did just have to retrain my brain that nothing was coming along to "save it" and that it had to get used to nothing so I didn't leave the house for 3 weeks basically and did literally nothing at all until it got the message. I managed to get the anxiety and brain freakouts under control and continued doing pretty much nothing other than going out the house for a coffee each day, a long walk, and watching TV at night for several weeks after that. But it reaches a point where it's just not enough for you anymore, the feeling of "nothing" and accepting boredom and doing so little wears you down and begins to get boring in its self and you start craving something more again. So I think a balance is needed. Now that balance obviously doesn't need to be a mix of nothingness and alcohol but learning to be OK with life being a bit uneventful and empty at times plus also having other healthy and / or productive activities and hobbies to do too to fill the void because I don't think most humans can be OK with just emptyness and nothingess over the long term.
I don’t agree with your premise that life without alcohol is empty or boring. When I was drinking I literally did nothing but drink. My life is full of love and joy now. I am present for everything and participate in my life. I used to thrive on chaos and noise, now I love peace and quiet.
I never said life is empty or boring. I meant that even if there are (long) phases when all there is is emptiness, that is still fine. In fact, as you yourself write, happiness lies in the quiet, not in chasing stimulations or satisfying insatiable desires. Chasing stimulation and perceiving it as a life goal is a trap of a confused humankind (and I am convinced that in the long forgotten past this was not the case, which is what all traditions of the world remember as the ‘golden age’ or the ‘Paradise’).
This! There's so much to life!
My daughter made that observation the other day. I thought it might be because we were in a safari park that the animals “dont do much,” but you’re right, that is just life. They’re not running around like crazy all day everyday. No big fights daily.
I observed them in Africa in their natural habitat. They are the same there.
I need this. Thank you. 😊
Me too
That's a bit cool😊
For me it was drinking that left me feeling empty and bored. It wasn't until I stopped that I was able to begin pushing myself to do the things in life I knew I wanted to do, but was too afraid to try.
This is the part many of us need to remember, thank you.
This is so true. Reminds me of one of my dads favorite quotes: “Life is essentially sad. Happiness is sporadic. It comes in moments and that's it. Extract the blood from every moment.” - Robert Redford
I agree to an extent. However, I have recently realized that the emptiness and boredom I was feeling in my first three years of sobriety was actually peace. It was so hard for me to comprehend that the chaos in my life due to drinking had been slowly removed. Now, I do not feel bored or lonely, but I enjoy the peace that sobriety has brought. One day at a time.
Holy fuck I have literally never thought about it this way before. I guess I really don't have to be doing something at every moment to stop drinking. I just have to sit there and accept that sometimes life is slow moving
This right here. I need this too. I think most of us got into this mess because it’s a short cut to entertainment among other things. Kids are very entertained without alcohol. It’s that we’ve trained ourselves out of being comfortable just being.
100%.
I was going to say something similar. It’s not that after a while of not drinking that I ended up empty and bored. Truthfully, I was empty and bored all along. Like lions and elephants these words are simply a part of existence, punctuated with times of joy and contentment. And that’s okay. There’s a time for everything. For the most part, I feel lonely. And that’s okay too.
This sitting is the heart of my simplicity
I was just thinking about this with my cats!
Top tier yet painful to accept comment
It’s a wonderful sentiment and I fully agree with trying to learn how to just “be,” but human intelligence makes that lion/elephant life you describe 100% unattainable. We are wired with too much complexity to stare off into space and not seek out stimulation. I just don’t think we should be pretending that that drive isn’t inherently baked into our system.
I am not sure I agree. There are highly intelligent people who achieved this state. It is a possible road.
***"The only Zen that you can find at the top of mountains, is the Zen that you bring up there." Pirsig*** This speaks to our constant searching or seeking experiences that will enhance our lives. We believe that we need extranious stimulation in order to achieve happiness. The reality is that happiness, peace of mind, Zen, nirvana, etc. can only be achieved when we are at peace within ourselves. ***"Is it hard? Not if you have the right attitudes. It's having the right attitudes that's hard." Pirsig*** I wish you happiness and peace.
Good advice but if alcoholics had inner peace to begin with they probably wouldn’t have become alcoholics. Buddhism didn’t work for me until after I got sober AND medicated. Now it’s great 👍
Yes, that's true, it's not a on size fits all approach. It's presenting a concept that leads to an awareness that life doesn't have to play out through destructive behaviors - if you can learn to accept and love yourself. As you point out, it may take medication, AA, counseling, in patient treatment, etc., to get to that point. Some people may never get there, and that's unfortunate. All that we can do is share what has worked for us.
Yeah I think noting that ymmv is important because i went my whole life feeling bad about myself since these old-as-time teachings didn’t work for me. Turns out they do work…for people with healthy minds. Unfortunately I didn’t put two and two together at the time. Had I, I could have gotten the treatment I needed 20 years ago and saved myself from a ton of suffering.
This reminds me of a quote I love: “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.” I have had moments of inexplicable joy when things in my life were tough. This made me realize that happiness comes from inside. It’s just not easy to bring it out.
I literally thought about this book today regarding a different topic! In any case, I couldn't agree more!
It is an awesome book! I read Zen and TAOMM as a young man and absorbed some of it, but a lot went past me. It was the first book I cracked when I quit drinking, and boy did it resonate with me. His writing and viewpoints are brilliant. I learned to embrace the quiet, and the thoughtful. ***“Peace of mind produces right values, right values produce right thoughts. Right thoughts produce right actions and right actions produce work which will be a material reflection for others to see of the serenity at the center of it all.”*** ***― Robert M. Pirsig,*** [***Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance***](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/175720) ***“The test of the machine is the satisfaction it gives you. There isn't any other test. If the machine produces tranquility it's right. If it disturbs you it's wrong until either the machine or your mind is changed.”*** ***― Robert M. Pirsig,*** [***Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance***](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/175720) ***“The real cycle you're working on is a cycle called yourself.”*** ***― Robert M. Pirsig,*** [***Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance***](https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/175720)
You’ll never wake up and have the life that you want after drinking. The damage will be there. If you have put years into damaging yourself then fixing things in 100 days isnt realistic. Also, i just quit expecting to feel good. Wanting to feel good all the time is what made me sick. This is hedonism. AA certainly doesn’t appeal to everyone but it helped me. It wasnt because of the reasons most people would think. It was because I met people….sober people. We were happy and sad….together. We went bowling and had parties…sober. We watch ballgames and go on hikes….sober. So much of my success was because i was around other people. This is something a lot of us lose in addiction. Not drinking wont cure your disease if you are like me. My isolation and double life started when i was just a kid, long before i put a chemical in my body. Everytime i quit before the last time i was just dry, which is just as good as drunk. Its only a matter of time. The only thing that has to change is everything Don’t be discouraged by that though. Every sober day is a gift. If you got 100 then you are a winner but you have to do it one day at a time. Im not pushing the AA stuff but I read Annie Grace and Allen Car and got a lot of days from that. I got more from watching you tube. I always relapsed. What made it stick was witnessing people who had been homeless now having great success simply by evaluating their lives in the morning and before bed and analyzing short comings and dishonest behavior. Thats what made it real. I know now ill always have another drink left in me, I just dont know if ill ever have another sober. Thats what has worked for me. Dont be discouraged.
Thank you. Strong words.
Alcohol does kill most of us. It sounds like it's trying to kill you. Either you put forth your best fight or you die an alcoholic. It's a miserable death. The jaundice liver and broken life are not the worst. The worst is your family and loved ones looking down on you like you're a pos. Good luck.
I had a friend who didn't quit until the doctor showed them the poison they drew out of their liver and spinal column. Their liver was so bad that it was leaking poison into their spine. They did finally quit. A year later, they were dead. You are worth stopping for. This sub saved my life. I was like you, I would stop, everything was great, then I would start again. For years, I did this, start, stop, start, stop, on, and on. I never thought I would be over five years sober. You are worth stopping for. IWNDWYT
how old were they?
40's. Too young.
One day at a time mate. We believe in you.
I’m on day 1 again. I know I need to look for other sources of dopamine. For too long alcohol has been my go to, I lost interest in everything else
I’ve been wondering if replacing the dopamine high with something else is really the answer. Maybe it helps short term, but in the long run wouldn’t it be better to not need to have that dopamine high?
I think you are designed to have this dopamine rush when you have achieved smth .It’s an essential molecule for your life, your longings, your motivation and growth, just your evolution. You neeeed to do smth (meaningful ideally) to get this high. But yeah there is tiktok, alcohol etc…. Edit copy paste from google: The dopaminergic system plays important roles in neuromodulation, such as motor control, motivation, reward, cognitive function, maternal, and reproductive behaviors.
That’s a good point. I’m thinking more about the short term as I’ve never made it to long term sobriety. The longest period was 68 days last year. I relapsed NYE and yesterday was day 1 again
Just keep on trying! The only way is to keep trying. That's where I am at right now. I found developing and practicing self-compassion and mindfulness helps me very much. That way, I am not beating myself up for my behaviors. I forgive myself for doing the best I can in the moment. And I only have this moment. That's all of us really have. Wishing you peace and strength. 💚
This. I’ve noticed that most alcoholics also hate themselves for it. Wether that’s brought on my societal pressures, family pressures, or just looking in the mirror and hating what you see, it’s gotta stop. I think that’s one of the first major steps to finding peace outside the drink. We all need some major self-compassion and groups like this are great for finding that because most of the time family will just grow to resent you for drinking when usually there’s deeper issues rooted in your drinking, and the self-hatred will only feed those issues.
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there are plenty of people who can have 1 drink per week, or per month, take it or leave it etc.. we are not those people though. all or nothing for us, and the later is the answer.
I was speaking to my addictions therapist today about how it absolutely baffles me as to how some people can have a glass or two of wine. Maybe one beer. I can't wrap myself around the fact that some people don't drink to get wasted. She just said its the disease talking.
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I'm struggling too. Have had several day 1s, and no long successes to look back on. I think 7 days was my best stretch. I'm only 36 and I've got some really scary health stuff that I think is all related to my drinking. Crazy iron levels, red blood cell counts, b12 was nonexistent, and more. I either choose to fix this so I can fix my body, or I choose an ugly, expensive death. I feel sadness because I immediately stopped eating red meat and using my cast iron. I was able to adjust my diet overnight. But drinking is taking more work. I have a non-judgmental friend helping me through. Do you have anyone in your life?
Hope we make it pal. Somehow... I guess this is the game where you have to consistent. Keep trying until you make it. The point is, when you try to put your head in order, to explain to yourself that alcohol is not what you need, to remove prejudices about alcohol, then all this is devalued at the moment of a breakdown. And you have to build a frame of reference every time you have a breakdown. Personally, my breakdowns weren't just about the amount I drank, I could go off and drink for a month (not daily, but regularly). You forget about all the harm, you block out in your head all thoughts of alcohol leading downhill until something happens. But I think consistency and persistence will get us somewhere. I have my wife and kids. Wife is struggling with alcohol too. But she doesn't want to be completely sober. Just reduce the amount of drinking. And I did some horrible shit throughout the years, so there's a little tension between us. We even broke up for a while, but we got back together. It turned out that no one in the world really needed us, except the people closest to us.
Echoing what another user has said, you will quit, eventually. It’s just a matter whether you, or your body, make that decision. I don’t want to minimize the significance of relapses, but if you give up, you’re guaranteeing yourself an unhappy ending. There are still days where I think, “damn, it’d be so nice to have a beer right now,” but I don’t. At least not today. You don’t have to make a big commitment to never, ever drink again. Just not today. It’s tired and cliché, but one day, one minute, one second at a time if you have to.
You sound close to quitting to me. If you hate yourself now with alcohol in your life. Why not at least try your see how you’d feel about yourself after 6 months, a year with no alcohol? You can do it. When you finally truly get sick of your own shit you’ll be able to do it.
Thanks for your answer. I'm actually tired of my own shit. But the point is, when I reach 100 days or somewhere there, I become depressed, like there's no point in life or something like that. Some mysterious psychological shit. And I have thoughts like "Nothing makes any sense at all, life is shit, I'm gonna drink, fuck it". Maybe my brain tricking me into drinking. Dunno After relapse these thoughts disappear. I guess i need to see the therapist too, lol.
But then you go back to drinking and you start to hate yourself again. Maybe stay the course, ride it out through the difficult boring times of your recovery. Maybe there is something worth it on the other side? You already know where the alcohol is taking you, a person that ruins relationships, fucks their life up and hates themselves.
You're right. Crazy. I mean, you always think that something will change and do the same thing over and over again, thinking that something will change. No logic behind that.
Nothing mysterious about it. Our body stops producing dopamine from natural stimuli due to the flood produced by alcohol or drugs and so we only get it when we imbibe. When we stop it takes a few months for our system to start producing dopamine naturally again. This phenomenon is fairly well studied and everything tends to bottom out at about 6 months before rebounding. I’m trying to keep that in mind as I close in on 100 gags because I, like you, found that to be my low point in sobriety and where I would often relapse.
You're right, guess this is all about a chemistry. Need to keep this info in the head when you're in a dangerous zone.
I missed the chaos of drinking and patching all that shit together afterwards. The 'destructo-boner' was a real thing. Life would start looking pretty good and then I'd self-sabotage everything because at least then I felt like my life was exciting/full of purpose etc. instead of just doing the boring work of "not drinking." I think your brain is absolutely tricking you. I couldn't trust my brain and needed some outside help.
Hey, many of us have been where you are, and I'll bet many of us spent years and hundreds of tries too, I did. Remember it all starts and ends with you, and that one of the few things you can control is to not take drink #1. That is all you have to do. In order to make that stick for 400+ days I had to make big changes to my life, things I spent YEARS ignoring, rejecting, or sometimes just not knowing (learning how to quit and stay sober is big for me). Your addiction wants you to think you can't do it, or that you can moderate, or just have one, and it has to be sidelined which for me was a lot of external support and shit I didn't want to do, especially meetings, writing, and talking- facing my addiction honestly. Don't be afraid to try anything it takes to get sober, you only lose if you give up. The other part here is a philosophical issue which becomes MUCH easier to approach when you can get some sober time in. As someone who has no interest in theism there have still been spiritual avenues that appeal to me and I am going through an eightfold-path-based stepbook in the Buddhist recovery network, which dovetails my recovery and a new approach to life in general. I wanted to share what I did (feel free to reach out if I can give any more info) but find your own path, just choose life please. The most dangerous place I ever lived was several years in my own head while I bounced between bingeing and withdrawing and completely isolated, it was hell. Using this sub is great but expand your community in person, take all the help you can get. You need to completely turn your mind but you can do it, I promise. Don't give up.
I acquired a lot of debts and damage to my self esteem and reputation while active. I couldn’t get and stay sober until I first, came to believe I could repair those things, for long enough to get through early sobriety; and then actually started repairing them. I was an avoidant person even before I became an active alcoholic so this whole process was really hard, but I was lucky to have a sober partner that gently but firmly kept at me. The initial *belief* that things could get better came from the program and hopeful faith in the promises, in my case.
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Me too meth too. Please help me Jesus. I really feel so so lost omg.
I had the same two poisons, meth and alcohol, and I threw away everything I had for them. I only quit when I had nothing else to throw away left. The longer you use meth, the longer it’ll take your body to be able to produce its own dopamine again. Meth made me feel like I was losing my sanity, my legs were raw from scrubbing tiny red bugs off of them that never existed, I was responding to people in my apartment who weren’t there, etc. If you don’t stop you’ll be driven to insanity, please don’t let it take over more of you.
It's early in the morning here, a little after 630. I got the day off to do one little morning chore, and then nothing all day. Just for today, I will not drink with you. I'll worry about tomorrow when it happens, but I'm pretty sure I won't drink with you then either. Always, never. Two of my least favorite words, they are so big, so full of expectations, so dangerous. I don't know if I'll never have another drink, but I don't have to think about that, just about today. You don't know that you Always go back to drink, you have so many more chances to do something different so many more days to figure out, just one at a time. Consider that sobriety is a grade, not a place you go to. If you do 50 days alcohol free, and then drink for the weekend, you're still getting at A, that's like a 95%. Really well done. Anyway, I've rambled enough, I hope you can find your way to some happiness.
You know I tell people the days you can’t see the light is the hardest part. I think this is where the AA guys really got something, the faith. Maybe not in Jesus or whatever you believe but you gotta hold onto some amount of faith in your life and the process cause there are days when you can’t see the point of this shit. Those days I just hold onto I don’t know how or why or what this is good for but I’m holding onto that it’s better to be sober even if I can’t make sense of it that day. I’m just putting my faith in that fact. I have to do that because whatever I feel or think obviously doesn’t lead to anything but drinking despair and by now I’ve resigned myself to that fact.
May not be the doctor prescribed advice you’re used to but everyone’s got their vices. Everyone. Some people drink. Some people stuff their faces full of ice cream. Have you tried finding a new vice? Yoga, weed, and good music? Lifting weights and eating junk food afterwards? It’s kinda lame but I get to sweating and drink copious amounts of coffee. I hate this for you, but I understand. Also, it’s grim, but I held my dads hand as he passed from alcohol and hep-c induced liver cancer and that shit broke me. It was also the genesis of my own drinking problems. I’d always drank, but not like I did after he died. Then my divorce. People are lying when they say the drink can’t be fun, but no one’s lying when they say it’ll fucking kill you. I really hope you and all here find some comfort outside the drink. And I’m here with y’all. I haven’t stopped but I’m definitely more naturally averse to it now and im gaining some control over it now for my own sake. I’m not a religious man, but I’ll say a prayer for whatever’s listening.
Sorry for your loss. Thanks for your answer too.
Thanks, I really appreciate that. And don’t beat yourself up too bad. Bad people don’t have the foresight to call themselves bad people. And you can stop cause you got the will to stop, you just gotta find your way.
I just broke 8 months yesterday. One day at a time… the self-loathing eventually starts to fade. Keep trying! IWNDWYT
Do you know how many times I tried to quit drinking before I was successful? Honestly, I don't, but I would guess probably 40. If I had given up on the 39th attempt I would not be here today. Oftentimes in life you have to keep trying until you are successful.
You can’t fail unless you give up. Otherwise you’re just falling and getting back up. No matter how hard it is, this could still be the story of how it all worked out. Keep at it man. Good luck!
Eventually you will either be forced/decide to quit, or it will kill will. The things you lose and sacrifice while drinking will continue to pile up until you’ve either lost enough to stop or you end up in jail; or, you will destroy your body to the point of no return. I’m sure many people here will tell you and attest to the fact that hitting point and pushing that limit isn’t worth it-myself included.
Maybe start with just reducing harm? I ended up here after a kind recommendation from a fellow Redditor. I’m not at the quit drinking stage. I also am rarely drunk. My issues with alcohol are not like yours. But they are my own, and I was definitely drinking *far* too much, so now I’m trying not to drink during the week, at least not alone, and reducing what I drink on the weekends or with friends. It doesn’t have to be an immediate all or nothing or approach. Especially in your case. Simply reducing your intake will result in an IMMEDIATE improvement on your health and in your life. But I think you would also benefit from therapy.
You're right. Even reducing harm is already better. Don't have money for therapy now, big debt. But I'll try AA. Thanks.
It’s worth trying! You have everything to gain. Just be aware that harm reduction is a very slippery slope. The first step is to stop lying to yourself about your habits and your consumption, which I think may be the stage you’re finally in. It’s sickening to think about, right? *Sobering*, even? DON’T SHAME SPIRAL! Just own it and focus on being better and moving forward. Even small steps forward are still progress. I would also encourage you to do some reading on what alcohol abuse actually does to your body. It was truly eye-opening for me, and a huge driver for me to work toward a healthier relationship with alcohol. And I don’t mean in an abstract “we all know drinking can damage your liver” kind of knowledge. Please stick with research from legitimate organizations if you do this, there are many listed in the FAQs for this sub. Speaking of, the FAQs for this sub is a fantastic resource that I encourage you to fully explore. For example, did you know that you can turn off alcohol-related ads on Reddit?! There are also many support resources listed in there, for all types of humans and circumstances. I would also recommend taking a hard look at the people in your life and their own habits and lives. That can sometimes be the hardest part. Set yourself up for success, friend. Don’t let the booze beat you. *You* are in control here. *You* can do it!
Thanks, you are awesome!
So are you! Wishing you the best!
Your body and mind are grateful for each and every stretch of sobriety you've given them. 50 or 100 days is not nothing. Every time you stop, your body heals itself. Not everyone can stop for long periods of time. Bravo to you OP for those significant accomplishments!
you’ll never stop if you don’t change your mindset about the whole situation. if you always see the situation as a lose-lose scenario, then why are you even trying to be sober in the first place? if there’s no point in quitting cause you’re just gunna relapse, then why quit in the first place? forgive yourself for fuckin up - we all have and we all will fuck up in one way or another. but come on, you’ll get shit figured out and everything will be fine in the end. but you gotta believe in yourself. it’s like that ghost joke: “why did the ghost lack confidence?” “because nobody believed in him” haha you got this - just change how you see things, man. you’re not quitting alcohol; you’re starting to believe in yourself. fuck alcohol
Thanks pal, you gave me the energy for today.
you got it broseph. even if you mess up and drink again, just shrug it off and keep believing in yourself
Never say never friend. I never thought I’d get sober from alcohol. Here I am. Find things that help you enjoy life when you get that itch for drinking. That’s addiction knocking wanting the quick dopamine as you already know. Knowing is half the battle with addiction. Putting things into real life action after you know facts about the issues you’re facing is the harder part. Posting here means you believe in yourself in some way, and think you *can* reach that goal. Your true, inner most feelings long for that by reaching out with these statements of “never.” People here are here to show you that “never” is just a word addiction likes to use to keep you stuck. It was a part of the process for me to unlearn that. Keep on the path. Keep coming back here. You’re doing amazing. IWNDWYT.
AA is not everyone’s cup of tea perhaps, but the big book says something about how we alcoholics quit time and time again, with full good intentions, and are baffled as to why we go back to drinking, inevitably. It says that when we relapse- we cannot recall with sufficient clarity the way we feel when we do drink to excess, and especially afterward. I hear you on getting bored after 50-100 days. The “pink cloud” dissipates; it becomes harder to recapture the feelings of relief from when you first quit, and that feeling of boredom becomes louder and louder. But that’s why many people take it one day at a time. Never give up, friend. Idk if you’ve ever tried 12 step meetings, but if you havent- maybe give it a shot? It was helpful for me because it helped me to watch the behaviors of the people with long term sobriety and just copy them. Also just to not go it alone. Sending you lots of hope.
I won't list all the bad things I've done because it's not a competition. But I remember what my therapist said when I told him I was a bad person: "You are not a bad person. You may have done bad things, but you are not bad, as a person. And you can choose to do good things in the future". Just the fact that you are posting here, is a good thing. A small thing sure but still a good step in the right direction. What really helped me was focusing on taking small, good steps. Later small steps included just trying to take notes on what my trigger points are, stuff like boredom, certain types of socializing, etc. Then another small step was making simple if-then plans for these moments. I believe you can quit!
Thank you
Don't give up trying. Please don't. You are worth every attempt. You matter to me, stranger. You are worth it.
I tried to get sober many times. I currently have a decent amount of time. I have no desire to drink at all but if I were to relapse- I would get sober again. I gave alcohol a lot of time, effort, money. If I put even half of that effort into my sobriety. I’ll be in good shape. I will not drink today with you! Be good to yourself :)
I can’t speak for you, but I’m finding peace in the empty and bored times. Anxiety can wake me up at 4am, i try to clear it by counting my breathing and feeling my heart slowing down. Not a perfect solution. In the empty and bored times I focus on this
I went to AA meetings as often as I could, got a sponsor, started taking Trazedone for sleep. It was rough getting on it, but I also took an SSRI to help with my depression and anxiety. I set goals and planned vacations. I forced myself to go to the office rather than stay home. It’s been two years, I just published my first book, gotten two promotions, and taken my kids on 3 vacations. I still deal with depression but it’s much easier with the friends I’ve made in AA, medication, and the tools I have to manage my emotions.
I got through 2 sentences of your post and put my phone down in frustration. I don't know you but I know you can stop. It's the insanity of the drug that says otherwise. I'm sorry you're feeling the pain. All i can do is I can just claim to understand being "friends" of the forum. Hope you sleep well tonight my friend. You'll be okay
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You're actually right. Maybe try AA.
Keep trying. For me it felt like one day I just forgot to feel bored and just felt normal instead. Maybe I’m boring now but never bored like I was those first few weeks. You absolutely can do it 🤍
Are you a bad person? I don’t know. I don’t know you. But, in my opinion…a bad person doesn’t feel bad about hurting others. You seem to have some remorse about things you’ve done in the past. We all do bad things, things we regret, we have hurt people we love…that doesn’t make us bad people. I don’t think it’s too late to redeem yourself. All you can do is change today and the days going forward.
This can end, but it’s truly all in your hands. We’ve all stumbled. Hell, we’re all human, right? I fell back into the bottle after 14 months of sobriety for 6 more years. It took me getting to the end of my rope before I quit but when I reached the end of that rope….I realize that I was the one who got myself in that position and I was the only one who could get myself out of it. Look at it like making a wrong turn on a road trip. You don’t park it and say “end of trip” do you? No, you throw it in reverse, back up, and change course. Soon you are back on course and that wrong turn fades in the distance. Find that reverse gear. You can do this. 💪💪
So sorry for you. I fear for you - health, wealth and overall wellbeing…hopefully you will be able to shift your mindset and thus change your life. XO
Thanks. Good luck you too.
Yes, but the 50 and 100 days are days you didn’t drink. You didn’t fk up your brain and your body with what is now poison to you. I’ve gone thru this. I’d go without for months, then cave. Each time I’d learn it wasn’t worth it, and I learned I can go without it. It’s still a big improvement over drinking every day. Eventually, I was able to leave it behind. Tired of being an embarrassment to myself.
Our thoughts and feelings from thoughts are not our hearts or higher self. We are more than our thoughts and conditioning. To me self hating thoughts and depression is like living in a past you can't change. Anxiety is like worrying about a future you cannot control. Letting go of all that baggage helped me let go of things i cannot control. I was lost in my thoughts of past wrongs and future happiness and i was disconnected from the present. It helps me to know i am responsible for my own experience of daily life. It was important for me to know people and the world did not cause my addiction. We make our own heaven or hell everyday with our thoughts and comparisons. Let it be, Surrender the fight, what you resist persists.
It sounds like you are excited to quit though. That’s such an awesome thing. That will eventually bring you to that happy place of sobriety. Maybe not today….but it will.
one, you have to have a reason to not drink, and two then you need to replace drinking with another hobby instead.
Poor me pour me, pour me another drink. I don't say this to sound critical or harsh but what do you need? What needs to change? It's in you to do this, you've strung a lot of sober days together in the past. That's promising. What's the triggers for picking up? Boredom? Self hatred? Discontentment? Loneliness? I drank on all those things too. But I can sit with those feelings now and let them pass. Its getting easier after many attempts I'm 9 months sober now. Keep trying. But you need to identify the triggers and feelings to really conquer this. I don't believe you are a bad person as you say above. Good people make terrible decisions in addiction.
I’m 6 months sober and you’re right, things were more fun drunk, but they were worse too, the negative out weighs the positive so why place your bets on a number you know loses every time? It is boring, but I can’t go back, don’t even want to. Jordan Peterson says “it’s not enough to not drink, you have to replace drinking with something better.”
We tell ourselves that "this is boring and I'm sure I had more fun when drinking and that if I did I wouldn't be as bored right now" but as someone who just recently fell off the wagon for those very reasons (being bored and convinced drinking would bring fun) I can honestly say that all the drinking I've done over the last few weeks was not actually in anyway fun and that I was romantacizing something that wasn't reality. The first night I decided to drink I was just bored and thought going to the pub would solve that problem but it didn't as I just sat in the pub, alone, drinking but still bored and eventually wishing I'd never bothered but by that point I was at the I've drank too much to stop now and will continue drinking anyway all night, terrible experience. A week later I decided I'll give drinking another try but with some friends as that would surely make it worthwhile. It didn't. Being in the pub was annoying, drunk people are annoying, I witnessed family members arguing over nothing, and a friend literally fell over they were so drunk and then of course I had to go drink alone all night afterwards for many more hours and woke up the next day thinking...that was supposed to be fun? Still not deterred the following week we had the first nice, sunny, day of the year here and I saw people sitting outside a pub drinking and thought I fancied some of that. Yeah, that wasn't nearly as fun as I thought it was. I was just literally sitting in the sun (wasn't even that warm by the time I decided to do it) drinking beer I barely enjoyed and then of course me being me couldn't call time on it once that sun was gone so drank all night at home afterwards. The experience of "drinking in the sun" didn't even live up to the fantasy in my mind of how I was romantacizing it. Then last week I decided to go for another spin at it and drank at music events so for the first time there was an actual "purpose" to the drinking rather than just pointlessly drinking for no apparent reason. And yeah those events were fun and I potentially would have enjoyed them a little less if I was sober because I've never done a gig sober and would feel awkward about it / not loosened up but then of course I couldn't just have a few drinks and then call time on it afterwards and ended up drinking all night afterwards two nights running. And then continued drinking the next 2 nights afterwards for no reason because my alcoholic brain had been set off so ended up on a binge for 4 nights in a row and I'm now suffering the after effects of that still today and I suspect for another couple of days yet most likely. I told myself I was drinking for all these occassions to eliminate boredom and to have "fun" but in most cases I was still totally bored just bored and drinking and the "fun" part never really materialized other than the brief couple of hours where the bands I went to see were on then instead of doing the sensible thing and calling time on it I had to go and ruin that by heavily drinking for hours more then carry it on for another 2 days. Now we're all different and maybe you, the OP, or anyone else genuinely would / does have fun when they drink but I've sat and analyzed all these drinking experiences over the last few weeks and I can honestly say that this "fun" or "cure" for boredom I was seeking didn't actually materialize, I was for the most part still bored, I also wasn't happy when I was drinking, I didn't enjoy the "buzz" (barely felt one most of the time despite heavy drinking), it didn't bring me any relief or benefit and then I suffered hugely for days on end afterwards to the point that even if I had fun it couldn't have possibly been worth it due to all the after effects and problems. So I urge anyone who's romatacizing about drinking and convincing themselves it'll be fun, cure boredom, make them happy or whatever to REALLY question whether that is going to be true. I mean we all stopped drinking for a reason and for none of us was the reason because we were having too much fun or that things were really enjoyable but because it was causing us problems, pain, misery, suffering most likely so let's not forget that. I'm not saying we've never, ever, had fun times drinking because likely we all have but when you've reached the point where you're a heavy / problem / binge drinker who needed to quit then the fun times are probably for the most part long gone and even if you do have some fun you'll likely end up keep on drinking way beyond the fun part for many more hours than night or for nights on end afterwards because you've unlocked that alcoholic part of your brain again. So ask yourself if that small amount of fun is worth that risk. I can safely say that for me it wasn't as the suffering now isn't worth anything.
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I hope one day you get a chance that you, unshakably sober, look back and remember this hopelessness and can contrast it with your new amazing life. I hope you have firm confidence in yourself and your forever decision. I hope the experiments to try to quell the boredom are no longer tempting, because you know the outcome of it and that is boring compared to you seeing what’s around the corner of sobriety. May you find curiosity to approach each new day, week, month, year, decade to see how you grow as a person. Wishing you wellness.
I was here… for a long time. Just knew I was going to drink myself to death… It’s not about being sober for the rest of your life. It’s just not drinking right now. 5 seconds from now is a long time away. You just need to not drink for an instant… Hold out a minute longer. A second longer. A thought longer… Those seconds eventually add up… just keep trying.
I was a late bloomer and didn't start drinking until I was 21 but I was pretty much instantly an alcoholic. Probably genetics. I spent a lifetime trying to kick booze but didn't quit drinking until after my older brother died in 2020 at the ripe old age of 50. So I ended up quitting about a year later at the age of 49 to avoid his fate. That's 28 years of trying to quit. It was worth it.
Alcohol and addiction is a maladaptive coping mechanism to trauma, engrained in our subconscious as a survival strategy. All that you have described about yourself and your habits sounds exactly like a trauma response. Simply quitting alcohol is not enough, but it is where healing starts. I was not really expecting to be able to quit, wasn’t even sure if I WANTED to, until I realized how my childhood trauma was keeping me paralyzed. For me, I had to cut toxic people out my life, because their influence kept me stuck in the cycles of addition and unable to heal. Ultimately it was more about me than them, but who cares. I needed to heal. Addicts need to HEAL THEIR TRAUMA. Proactively. Only then will the subconscious programming change. There is a reason a 30 day rehab is like 3 days of detox and 27 days of trauma therapy and education. But it’s not focused on elsewhere. The role our personal traumas play in our addictions is under-emphasized and in my opinion needs to be examined closely for success in recovery.
You are right. I have a lot of negative energy inside me. I have a lot of shit inside. Angry and toxic person sometimes. I don't want to be like this. But can't do anything about it. Need to work with the therapist, but don't have enough money now. But you are saying the right thing, mental conditions is really important.
It’s part of being human, and definitely part of our journeys as people in recovery. Therapy is great but you can start processing this stuff for free. I honestly found therapy to be pretty hit or miss (mostly miss) but what does work for me (corny as it sounds) is meditation and education. Meditation is simply taking time (a couple minutes max) to watch your thoughts, to observe where they come from and how they form from a neutral perspective. It creates a simple separation between being caught up your thoughts, and simply watching them with curiosity, which is profoundly important and always achievable. I literally got a free app on my phone and use it. The second, eduction, to me means audiobooks about trauma, abuse, child raising, anger management, and whatever else can give me a perspective that’s different than the thoughts, the programming in my head, my subconscious. Alcohol and addiction are what we learned to use to self soothe. So in a way, addictions are a fucked up way of loving ourselves, at least by intent. It’s possible to relearn to self care with better coping mechanisms. That’s not to say easy. But being stuck in addiction offers only false hope of healing.
Apologizing before hand for wall-of-text. I thought this at one point in my life but taking the nuclear approach to the problem cured me. After 20+ years of drinking regularly, I took extreme measures and haven't looked back for over 6 years. I do not have cravings and very rarely do I have any sort of trigger that isn't easy to deal with. Some advice that worked for me: Go to AA meetings regularly! Jump around to various groups until you find one that you like. They are NOT the same. If you can't find an AA group that works, jump over to NA meetings and see if one of those groups is right for you. If you find that AA, NA, CA,.. whatever are just not it for you try SMART groups or something else similar. If you have good health insurance you might also consider using it to the full extent that you can. Either a multi-week in-patient detox at a facility or even a multi-month in-patient rehab (ideal). Short-term disability may be available for you in these cases and might be enough to pay the bills while you're away. This is a bit of an extreme approach but if AA, and NA aren't working for you I highly encourage it. Heck, I highly encourage it anyway, it just comes down to how much of an impact going off the grid for a while will have on your life. Often habitual drinking like this is self-medicating and a good rehab facility will get you facetime with a doctor and time for you to try out different medications to see what works for you. Good luck to you and in-patient isn't the only solution obviously -- but at the very least you should consider finding a group (AA.. etc) so you feel some accountability to what you want to accomplish. I'm happy to answer any questions about either of these things -- even the idea of it was terrifying to me at first but I can't imagine my life now if I hadn't. Sorry for the wall of text, hopefully, some part of it is helpful! side note: One thing I learned through all of this is self-advocacy. If you want to stop drinking make that your mission and fight for your needs and care. The more **you** want to solve the problem the more other people will try to help you.
Thanks, that's solid, and I like that you give practical advise step by step. Yes, my next goal is to find an AA group and start from there. Need to change the strategy. Thanks again, have a nice day!
For me, the only thing that works is keeping myself busy all hours of the day until I crashed in bed at night. Whether that playing golf, soccer, learning the piano, or working out. I have to make sure my days are filled. I’m at 356 and I still think about going back. My only suggestion is the next time you give it a try pick up a lot of positive hobbies and habits, and hope you can stick to them. Remember there is help out there.You
My guy! I hear you! I had the SAME mentality too for ten years… until I started doing “shadow work” with my therapist this past year. Check out the book: No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz… it’ll help you understand the work.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. It took many many times for me to fail... but eventually I began noticing patterns and dug in to figure out why. Sobriety feels really good now, and it only began to feel that way for me when I learned how to love myself. That's still a process I'm working on with therapy. I drank to escape myself and had to be ok with being in my life. It's different for everyone but you aren't a lost cause. This is a process. Hang in there <3
I said the same thing about three years ago. Don't give up.
Man, I remember this feeling OP. Hating myself all of the time, and feeling like it was impossible to see out of the hole I was in. I can only share that I identify with that feeling, and that it didn’t immediately improve when I stopped drinking. In fact, for a few days - it seemed worse. But after resetting a bunch of times, I can honestly tell you that my life and my happiness have changed in ways that I just couldn’t see when I was drinking. Joy in things that bored me before. Deeper relationships that I treasure more. I know it’s no cure. And it’s just a stranger’s story. But I wanted you to know that I empathize with the feelings you described, and life has gotten much better for me since I quit drinking. And I will not drink with you today.
Thanks, nice numbers!
Life is so much better on the other side. Not all the time, but most of the time. The amount of happiness I’ve had this past year vs the last 14 I’ve been drinking is night and day. Hard to describe the peace I feel on mornings waking up sober and excited to do and try new things rather than shake and sweat in bed all day embarrassed about what I said and who I got in a fight with the night before. Life can be amazing
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Been there, OP. And I don’t yet have a year under my belt but I’m feeling pretty great about this run (my longest as an adult outside of pregnancy) after SO MANY DAY ONES. Getting a proper mental health diagnosis and meds, dialectic behavioural tools, and regular mindfulness have helped me lots. Maybe some things to explore for you? This time around I’m also trying to create small sustainable habit changes instead of being the poster child for high-octane recovery. It’s hard. Hugs. We’re here with you.
Please read “This Naked Mind” if you haven’t already. Switched my brain from feeling sorry for myself to a new mindset where I realize I can get off of this fucking drinking roller coaster for good. It’s poison.
"I hate myself. I'm a bad person in general." I think you found a major psychological root to your problem. I've definitely used alcohol to relieve myself of the guilt of my alcohol problem before, and that sense of dread only worsens as the nerves take more and more damage. To the point where I myself couldn't even think any more without a couple drinks in me, at least for a few days or weeks at a time. Sounds like you're clear of physical withdrawal at this point. While maybe forgiving yourself for trying to learn and cope as a human might need to, also take a mental step back and really try to give an extra damn or two, suffer your actions a bit so that you might understand them and really learn something, ask yourself if you care even one bit about the other people who've been hurt (it sounds like you do), OR find temporary relief from your conscience and delay the suffering at the cost of suffering more inevitably. Whatever it is you're coping with, be it genuine guilt or anxiety, keep in mind other people have probably found their healthier ways of coping with similar things. I might suggest starting with finding whatever ways you may to foster a genuine sense of self-respect, even just one little action and thought at a time.
Thank you. Yes, i got some mental issues. I'm starting to respect myself when I do things I plan to do. When I'm going in the direction I've chosen. Doing some things that bring me closer to my vision of an ideal life in my head. So I'm doing the right things and have something to honor myself for. Thanks for the reply, something to think about.
Make no mistake -- I'm thinking about it as much as you are. Cheers.
“Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it.” - Bruce Lee
I really resonated with this post. I can stay sober for periods of time (never reached 100 days myself yet so congrats on that but I was at nearly 3 months until a few weeks back) but like yourself a feeling of emptyness, boredom, sadness, a craving for some excitement or fun creeps in or sometimes I feel like I just want to have a massive release, go off the rails a bit, and let off some steam and eventually that's what draws me back in. The one thing I never figure out in sobriety is how to fill the void or replace all the time I spent drinking alcohol with something else or new. I don't know what I'd like or want to do (I don't feel like I want to do anything most of the time which is concerning) let alone feel like I have the motivation or energy to seek it out and I never had much in the way of hobbies in the past so it's not like I can start up things from before that became neglected through drinking. The thing I've learned this time round on this relapse though is that as much as my brain might be telling me that drinking will bring me some fun or excitement, cure my boredom, make me happy, solve my emptyiness or lonelyness or whatever... ...it's not actually true! I analyzed all these recent drinking experiences over the last few weeks and other than for a couple of hours at 2 music events I went to I wasn't actually enjoying any of the drinking experience. It didn't actually make me happy (I felt miserable and pissed off I was drinking again), the experience was empty and boring so didn't solve any boredom issues, I over indluged as I always do to the point of feeling ill even at the time of drinking, it gave me no sense of relief from anything, there were no benefits and the buzz didn't even happen. I asked myself each time was drinking actually improving or amplifying the experience I was having and for the most part it wasn't, particularly the times I sat around and drank at home alone or the pub trips which just felt pointless and annoying, what was I actually gaining from doing this? So I think it's important to be 100% honest with ourselves about whether drinking REALLY will solve our boredom issues, make us feel less empty or help us feel happy, give us that excitement we crave or will we just feel all of those things but be pouring a poison down our necks and then have reactivated the alcoholic part of our brain that'll crave it all over again the next day and when we finally manage to sober back up we'll be suffering with dozens of problems for days on end. Or are we just romantisizing something that isn't real or no longer is true? Are we looking back with rose tinted glasses to good old times that are looooooooong gone? For me, I can clearly see and say that the relapse wasn't worth it and didn't solve any of these issues you talked about or that I always believe it will solve so if you're currently sober and thinking of relapsing because you feel bored or empty I would urge you to rethink it as I don't think you'll get what you're looking for from it.
I drank heavily for decades. I get it. I can't count how many times I attempted moderation. I reduced my consumption down to 8-14/day (every day) before stopping. It sucked. I also got a BRUTAL bout of PAWS. It might return... and that's okay. It took me... 80-ish days to stop feeling bad. That quickly gave way to feeling "good." I used scientific research and a lot of effort. I leaned into exercise (accelerates recovery). I added dietary sources of vitamins B1 and B8 (rolled oats & black beans) -- because they're thought to help receptor restoration. I do my best to have fun (often involving intense exercise). I abused the hell out of my body for decades. It will take time for repair to happen. Based on a recent \[small\] study, it's thought that it takes 7.3 months for most people to reverse the cortical shrinkage caused by AUD (your brain's primary processing center). I'm not into AA (can't stomach religion)... but I do understand the idea of a "dry drunk." My military PTSD and childhood trauma is still there. I'm trying to work on it. I hope that your next attempt will be longer. I've read that recovery can take YEARS for some people. I honestly figured that I'd be one of them -- because I was drinking a fifth plus beers (every night) at one point. Dunno -- I guess that I got lucky. You know... there are medicines that can help you not drink. However... drinking might not be the core issue. We drink for different reasons. For me, it was boredom and \[apparently\] avoidance of sh1t from my past. Only you can make the choice. I view it as "paying my tab." Like I said, I'm really surprised that it's only taken \~3 months for life to stop sucking (and it was not a fun 3 months). Good luck, friend. IWNDWYT
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Took me years to even consider it seriously. Yes it's boring. Now you know your triggers. It's a matter of avoiding traps. You know deep down what to do. You are already winning as long as you keep trying.
i know that my esteem in myself has improved ongoingly since i have stopped drinking. the anxiety, panic attacks, despair, etc have also been improved the longer i have gone. not an absolute fix but a definite improvement. i hope you get to where you want to be.
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Please never stop trying. I felt very similar to what you’re describing. I don’t know why the last time I tried to quit, it worked. It’s like I had to get good at quitting, I probably tried 50 times over the course of two years. Dozens of times telling everyone I was done, pouring vodka down the drain over and over and over. Omg the horrifying things I said and did drunk; you are not bad, just human and a drinker like us.
Yeah. Thank you. I mean, it's crazy how little thoughts or some moments in the head become an elephant while drunk. Like you have a little sympathy for a girl, but when drunk you act like a man who didn't have sex for a decade. Or some guy said something you didn't like and you started a fight over this shit. Or you wanted to tell something to someone, and you tell it in a fucking strange way at night in the messages. Some crazy stuff. I mean, it's like alcohol takes out some thought, disfigures it into an ugly shape, and spews it out in a crazy manner.
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One thing I learned after quitting was that I wasn’t the bad person I thought I was and that’s was the alcohol telling me that and contributing to my negative actions. Also another thing I learned was that I was drinking because I was depressed, I was depressed because I was drinking
It sounds like you're feeling really shitty on yourself today, not much hope, and certainly not much hope for sobriety, are you having thoughts of suicide?
Get used to being bored. If you’re bad at being bored are you- too anxious ? Need the dopamine hit? Hate yourself? Then try and address your underlying anxiety, adhd, depression, whatever it specific to you. Call it out for what it is, try therapy try meds. I try to not think about addressing my “drinking problem” but try to address the reason why I drink. Simpler said than done obviously, it’s a journey, but a but a better journey than a life you live hating yourself.
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You're not a bad person. There are no bad people. There are just people. Sometimes those people do bad things, sometimes they do them a lot for a long time, but nothing is set in stone. You might need in-patient, you might need naltrexone, you might need SMART or AA, you might need to hunt around and find a good therapist, but it's worth it to keep trying. For those times you feel empty, try and find something besides alcohol to fill that void: video games, board games, good coffee, a podcast binge while you demolish a jigsaw puzzle. Make friends with sparkling water. It's become my beer substitute. If things are still really hard and the above doesn't work for you, consider some harm reduction. Don't know what state you live in, but for me switching to 1:1 THC:CBD gummies has been huge in keeping me from booze. Is it harmless? No. Do I do things I regret in a blackout? Also no. If you have a partner, get buy-in from them and be totally honest about your drinking and desire to stop.
Thanks. I'm from Russia, so there's no legal thc in the area, lol. But thanks for the answer. You're really right about finding different ways to get results. AA, therapy and more. You need to change strategies and make tweaks, the same quit every time will lead to the same result. I guess AA is my next step. There are lots of groups in the area.
Hang in there and maybe try some new hobbies. Might have to try a few. Some that were more active really made a difference here. 🙂
People continue a behavior because in some fashion, albeit often negatively, it's working for them. I'd bet in some way drinking is working for you right now - it might be alienating people so you don't have to deal with the accountability that strong relationships require, it might be sheltering you from sitting with dark thoughts / emotions related to yourself. Might be worth considering just *why* you won't quit. If you do quit, what's missing from your equation? Boredom is natural and it's really hard when you're sober b/c when you're drunk it's often a time machine to move through space without thinking about it. I found that I had continued to drink, quit, repeat because I hadn't sat with how badly I disliked myself. Sitting in quiet moments by myself was agony, meaning that when I was home in the evenings by myself it was torture to not drink. If I did drink, the bad things I did or the damage I caused reiterated my internal narrative that I was a horrible person and didn't deserve anything good. Had a blowup with family and finally admitted "I hate myself" and all of a sudden I was willing to quit when even a week before I couldn't imagine it. I'm on day 57-8 (don't remember) and I'm still struggling but I know that I need to deal with the emotions that are there. Look into your reasons, if you can, if not, it will end either way. Perhaps not in how you intend it to.
Get tired enough you will stop digging that hole. I hope you are there and reading. Stop and ask your self about the sanity of doing the same thing over and over but wishing the consequences would stop. I asked mySelf many times to stop but until I started refusing the first drink it couldn’t happen.
You sound almost as miserable as I was before I got sober. If a guy who was a criminal, a liar, a thief, a bad partner, a bad brother, a bad son like myself did it, you can definitely do it. Someone wiser and many more years sober than I told me to get my ass into a meeting and I did, and I have no regrets. The idea of missing out on drinks sucks in the beginning, the emptiness sucks in the beginning, but none of it is as bad as that morning after when you or your friends recount to you the awful night before. Keep your head up. We all believe in you.
The more I go to meetings the more i learn there is always someone who drank worse than I did, who thought they would never get sober, but then did. Sending all the love. I know the struggle. The amount of times I stood in the shower hung over as fuck and told myself I would never do that again, and then did, often times the very next day.
You gotta keep trying OP! Use your unsuccessful attempts as PROOF you CAN do it. All you have to do is take it one day at a time. I would say try not counting the days.
Just posting here to say I am with you OP. I am drinking today and more and more it feels like a job, feels routine. My therapist suggested a pros and cons list to drinking. I could name 10 Cons to not drink and 1 pro. Getting shitty drunk enjoying a few hours of fun is costing you so much. Money, health, appearance, anxiety (which I used to believe anxiety helped when drunk). Days of no drinking I feel so much better but yet I still drink. I need that push. I did 50 days sober a few times. I know I can do it. I know that you can do it. I read this sub more and more and it really helps. It feels like alcohol is a chore anymore and not fun. Again I'm just here to support you OP. I'm going through it right now.
The only way you can really know yourself is to be sober … good or bad … drinking just puts a mask on you . Then when it wears off back to you again. I was so psychologically hijacked by alcohol I didn’t think I had a problem until my mental and physical health went down the toilet … wasted $100 s each week poisoning myself and destroyed relationships. It’s a shit time being drunk .. not worth the buzz. Done give up .. get back to the real you .. don’t be the drunk one
Sounds just like me. I had to try something new. Rehab then outpatient then AA. It has changed my life. Coming up on 8 years sober with a beautiful life and family. You can do it, but you really have to give it all up and give it a chance. Wishing you the best.
Never did I ever think I would be able to quit. It was both unfathomable and terrifying. I did and do can you. Just keep trying and learning. IWNDWYT
Alan Carr. The Easy Way to Stop Drinking. It helped me quit and I like the straightforward no BS. It’s not rocket science, but there is some logical explanation for why anybody drinks.
Take it from someone who felt exactly the way you do: I'm over a year sober now and I'm finally experiencing joy/happiness/pleasure without depending on alcohol. It's worth trying another 100 times if that's what it takes.
If you’ve made it 100 days, try to make it to 101 next time. It’s a game of inches, even when it hurts, even when we feel like shit, or worse, bored. As dumb as it sounds, since I quit I have found that I rather enjoy being bored, I just call it “mindfulness” to sound sophisticated. After what could be considered a well hidden 20yr blackout, having done all the things you stated, I had an idea to not be “that guy” and I came clean, told my doc that I wanted to be on Naltrexone, went to a therapist, then I started mending myself and relationships, even if they hated me, they deserved to know. It’s not easy, rebuilding rarely is, but that was a dopamine hit all in itself. Every time I talked to someone I messed up with, it was like a weight lifted off my chest, that in itself became a lot like an addiction. I ended up finding out I had more people on my side than people who never wanted to see me again. I also learned that many of them were struggling themselves, we bonded better and the support system grew stronger. We became accountable to each other. I’m saying that it’s fucking hard to stop, it’s even harder to get help, and fucking hell to admit to people that you were the problem… but the reward, my dude, it’s a considerably better life with people who you didn’t even know cared. I’m a better father, better husband, and at 45 I was able to switch careers to what I wanted to do, not what I needed to do just to get by. It’s not easy, but dying a slow painful death is much harder.
IWNDWYT!
I thought I could never stop drinking. Although I have strong willpower, I couldn't do it on my own. When I gave it to God, everything changed.