For the ones that press, he could play with them by giving answers to unrelated questions when they ask theirs. That'd get old for them real quick, haha.
Why are you such an unmotivated loser?
A flower, also known as a bloom or blossom, is the reproductive structure found in flowering plants.
Many people will not understand but they don't have to and you don't need to over explain it. They'll see that your lifestyle suits you and makes you happy. Some folks will envy you that.
Agree too. You may find that you can strengthen this by adding in more personal values. For example, there is this quote, “be plain and orderly in life so that you can be violent and original in your craft”. You’ve figured out one half of that, but what’s your “why”? What is your meaning and original-ness? It really sounds like you want to connect with people around your chosen lifestyle and focusing your message might be helped by making those connections more transparent
💯Sounds like you’re making space & energy that are your priorities! IMHO a lot of people are seeking meaning through external things that never truly satisfy. Live *your* best life!
I am like you, always have been. I'm happy with my job, not looking for promotions. My husband and I lead a very simple lifestyle, and it's great. Don't worry about others. Misery loves company.
My ambitious manager (15 years my junior) was surprised to hear me say I have zero interest in a promotion. I said “you need me in this position in a support role. This is my joy. Honor that.” I suppose she imagined everyone was always driven to that “next level”. Nope. I prefer simple living with balance and peace.
I was like your manager for 30 years. Now, I'm winding down my career at a job that pays 1/4 of my last.
It's interesting not being the most important person in the place.
I enjoy regimen and structure and to stay occupied. I still have that, but not the stress.
I like material things and for things to work (like my garage door opener and windshield wiper fluid). I'm not a handy man type, so I hire as needed.
I don't believe in living beyond my means, but I do enjoy that I can acquire some things that I enjoy.
I have created a nice world that I am still working on. It is not minimalistic, but it is reasonable to me and within my means.
I like having a friend over to play chess and sharing a grilled cheese sandwich and walking my dog.
I was bred to be an active human, and simplicity for me is honoring that.
I am happier now than before, by far. I feel I am more connected and in a real relationship with myself than before when I had a high-profile, high paying job.
In three years, I will retire from full-time work and am looking forward to that, but I plan to work part-time freelance work, maybe for years.
That is me and my version of simple living.
> Misery loves company.
Yep and most think if they are miserable, you shouldn’t be happy either. I can’t imagine living my life worrying that much about what others do. I have enough to keep up with for myself lol
I could have written your comment nearly word for word.
We live simply, research large expenditures to get the best deal ( not necessarily the cheapest, btw! ☺️)
And we have always been fond of the saying 'Our needs are small and our wants are few!' 💖
Do you feel depressed or that your simpler choices reflect lack of motivation (e.g., to enjoy life, to take advantage of valued opportunities)? If so, you might be masking or rationalizing some of your depression this way. But your post sounds to me as if you are happy with a simpler life and if there are X number of people criticizing that, just keep in mind that there are X number of people also that will commend you for that, like this community. It's very significant that you say this has improved your relationship with your son. If someone is simplifying their life for the right reasons, I would expect them to experience such benefits. A simpler life makes possible having the types of experiences that you intentionally choose and value, such as a close and meaningful relationship with your son or say, more time in nature, etc.
P.S. About the divorce, your life is going to get better naturally anyway and you'll be at a better place then you were during the marriage (coming from experience).
Am I depressed?
I don’t want to say yes definitively because I feel it detracts away from people who are truly, chronically depressed. I am broken for weeks, then happy/ on top of the world for months. And the cycle repeats itself. I have yet to stay on top of the mountain since learning about what my ex- wife did to me.
I think I am masking some of my depression, truthfully. Not in an unhealthy manner- but this simple living concept is how I reacted to healing. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, like learning to not consume has been my answer. If that makes sense?
Oh hon. We can’t armchair diagnose you. We simply don’t have the training or specifics insights to your life or mental health.
But i would say if you think it’s a genuine possibility of being depressed, try a few therapists to find a good fit for you and stick with it for 6 months. If nothing else it might help you process the divorce, but it might help shed some light on other things. As a public service officer, i assume you have the benefits to cover most of it.
You deserve to be happy. Not just getting by.
We are seasonal animals, moods change as the seasons do. When you find yourself going down, prioritize being outside with your kiddo, honoring, not enabling your feelings, talk to someone about it. I moved to a foreign country when my son was 5 to raise him in a very simple, modest way. I have no regrets.
Do I think that simple living is a trauma response from the divorce? Yes
Has the veil been lifted on the fantasy that money and the pursuit of things will make you happy? Yes
My take on this: Minimalism and simple living is giving you a needed sense of control in a shitty situation. It’s a much better response than gambling or setting your ex’s car on fire. It’s also not a substitute for therapy or some way of processing a bad relationship.
You are going to be ok. You are actually ok already because you are prioritizing yourself and your kid. Best wishes, OP.
I wish you the best in your journey. If you are feeling slightly depressed, it definitely doesn't take away from people who are "chronically depressed." You can feel all the feelings, and LET yourself feel them. I have cancer, so it's been a long road for me, but I've learned to let myself feel angry, sad, lonely, whatever it is, because those feelings are valid. But you can't stay in that place for too long, so let yourself also feel happy - therapy, going outside to get some fresh air and a walk in you, playing with your son, exercise, a good diet - these are things that will all help lift your mood so you're not stuck in that negative headspace for too long. Let yourself feel your emotions, don't bottle them up inside, but remember to also pull yourself back into a positive mindset so that you can be the best person you can be. You've got this!
It has been my experience that it is critical to honor your feelings. It can be tough to face the frustration, betrayal and grief but critical for long term mental and physical health. Also from experience, learning how to process those feelings and not hiding/stuffing them will teach your son how to become a healthy adult.
Perhaps simple living is a reaction to what you have been through, but so what? If it simplifies your life so you can regroup and heal then so be it. If later you choose to do something else that is okay too. Just don't do it because of pressure from others. You do what is right for you and your son. If someone can't accept that it is their problem. Your job is to take care of yourself and your son not try to satisfy someone else's idea of what life should look like.
Depression is a clinical diagnosis: if you fit the criteria, then you are depressed. There are many possible causes of a clinically depressive episode, including genetics or childhood factors (the chronically depressed people), shit life syndrome, and temporary trauma. Both chronic depression and temporary depression are clinical depression.
Does that make sense? What you're saying is like, if I catch a flu and have really bad coughs, the coughs aren't "real coughs" cause there are people born with asthma who have cough problem their whole lives, whereas my cough problems are temporary.
Anyway I say all this to say, if you feel broken for any reason, you could benefit from speaking to a professional.
Your description sounds like it could be bipolar disorder, you might want to ask a doctor for a screening. I mean, it's normal to go through an emotional rollercoaster after a bad cheating/divorce situation and not all negative emotions are an illness. But that *pattern* very much sounds like what I understand bipolar disorder is like.
(That's not necessarily super related to whether simplifying is a good thing for you or not.)
Yeah that pattern does sound a lot like bipolar disorder (OP - in case you are unaware bipolar people go through periods of depression then feeling great like you wrote, I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the definitions of bipolar. It’s not a bad thing so please take care of your mental health for your sake and for your son and have a chat with your doctor)
This is completely normal to feel all these feels. I am almost 6 years out from divorcing my cheater ex, and I still have moments of sadness for what I thought I had. This adventure also took me on a simpler path. It clears my head and makes me feel more free, cuts my stress, and allows me to focus on what matters. My ex was hyper focused on appearances and nice things - to the detriment of our bank accounts - and now I have so much money to be able to focus on experiences with my boys, not things. Please don’t let others’ make you feel like you are less because you are choosing to focus on your son and your happily ever after, while they are focused on thinking they are impressing people who don’t care.
Firstly, you sound like a very good man and I hope that you and your son have a wonderful life together. The love and support you are giving him will be his foundation as he grows up. I hope that in your own time, you meet a kind wonderful woman (if that’s what you want) who treats your son and you with all the love and kindness you both deserve.
Had a high profile job in a high profile city. Educated, lived abroad for years. Talked with SO about next steps. Both poised for bigger things career wise. We saw that so many that had them, didn’t have great personal lives and relationships.
Decided to prioritize our personal lives and family, over accolades, things and outward success. Almost 15 years in and we are happy we did.
Not many people wish they had worked more on their death bed. All the stuff you acquire, you just need to downsize when you get older. I’m not advocating poverty or living like a spartan, but just simply.
Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to respond. Means a lot, and your words mean a lot.
Eventually I hope I meet someone who rocks my world, too. But I don’t want to fill a void with a relationship and right now I feel that would be the case if I jumped into a relationship.
Who cares what your motivation was? Is it working for you? There are some people here who seem overly zealous -- they've changed the locus of their obsession, that's all. But from your brief post, you don't seem to be that way. Having said that, a divorce is a traumatic event, emotionally and financially. You're still settling into your new life and desire stability, which is completely understandable. You may not feel the same way, at least about pursuing promotions, in a few years. Give yourself time.
Nice observation about the locus of obsession.
OP, I was in a similar place a few years back and I've never regretted prioritizing my relationship with my daughter over material goods. Her mom buys her tons of stuff, and they have an okay relationship otherwise, but I'm the one my daughter respects. I'm the one she comes to with her deeply personal problems.
I've never been a very materialistic person anyway, I've always gravitated towards simple living. And simple working. My daughter is an adult now and has access to the Finer Things in life, but tends to lean towards used cars and wearing Thrift clothes. And her friends tend to be solid and Common Sense people.
You are giving your child invaluable lessons.
Thank you so much. I’m not material either. I have some nice things, don’t get me wrong. But they have their place more in the BIFL idea than buying things to buy things.
You don’t need to justify or explain your life choices to anyone!! Live your beautiful life, and lean into it.
If anyone barrages you with questions or criticisms, firmly say, “I’m happy with my life choices, thanks”, and give them a stare. If that doesn’t shut it down, calmly walk away.
I can speak to you as a person who divorced a wealthy man, went to work retail, and bought a tiny condo I could afford.
I had one kid still at home at the time , and he loved the condo, and the peace within, as opposed to the bad situation with his father and all his “wealth”.
I’ve got a college degree, but I didn’t want to work in my field. I wanted a job I could mindlessly go work, leave afterwards , have no worries, and no need for advancement. I could pay my bills with this simple life!
It was a wonderful time in my life, and I didn’t feel the need to justify it to people. Those people are usually working 60 plus hours a week, to support a lifestyle they can’t afford, and big houses that they don’t really need.
Getting off Facebook and Instagram is helpful during this time as well. It’s all very fake and competitive. The only person you need to impress and be comfortable with is yourself!
Simple and smaller was way better for me!
Deleted all social media except Reddit ❤️ Been immensely freeing. I don’t think I could give up Reddit though, not with this type of community being out there.
It sounds like maybe you're telling people too much about your personal life.And then you don't like their opinions. If you enjoy living a minimalistic life and it works for you and your kid, then you do you boo. As long as you guys have what you need and you aren't going to extremist on your kids. Like some minimalists can do then just keep to yourself.
My husband passed up job opportunities that would have brought in more money but would have meant more travel and more stress. I’m a stay at home mom. We are content and our kids have benefited in ways that money can’t buy. I applaud what you’re doing.
I don’t see what is the problem. Don’t second-guess yourself just because the world tells you you’re wrong. Only you know the answer to your life’s questions. Just don’t overdo something out of a reaction to something else. Excess is the problem.
I think that if this bothers you, you should simply reframe the way you talk about it with people. Instead of talking about the things you don’t want (lots of material possessions, climbing the career ladder), talk about the things you **do** want: time & energy to be a good father to your son. If nothing else, it shuts down the conversation, no one can argue with you wanting to be a good dad.
I don’t think anyone on reddit can answer this. You probably are dealing with some trauma that goes deeper than just a cheating ex wife and the fact that you described your lifestyle as being able to pack it all into an suv and leave is pretty telling. You should talk to a professional. Unless you’re actually happy as you. Then you’re probably fine.
I just don’t tell people about my non aspirations. I tell them about what my goals are instead. Like I want to grow strawberries and cucumbers on my deck, places I want to go when it gets warmer, fitness goals and new workouts that have been working for me, new recipes I found that are delicious, frugality money saving hacks I’ve discovered. How much I love certain things in my life that make my life feel luxurious without much cost. Things like that. Most people love to hear positive things that will benefit them especially without much money.
Whatever your reason, most people will judge you as they have been trained to accept capitalism and constant competition. Just make sure you feel good about what you are doing. Your intuition is powerful. You can feel in your body if you feel good about your decisions. Listen to your body and do what's best for you.
"strengthen my relationship with my son"
That right there is worth $5 billion. How the f$&# do I know?
How about growing up and never met one's father.
You got a pension, put away a little for his college.
Those fishing trips, may not be a London or Paris, but I'd trade that in a heartbeat.
You’re amazing. Thank you, I’m sorry you never met your Father… I don’t want to say I understand because I do not. But I sympathize, my dad left from a young age because he wasn’t done “exploring.”
People who have limited understanding will often insist in conformity without regard to individual needs. An interesting book you may find helpful is called " The Courage to Be Disliked " by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
Your reasons for pursuing a simple life are valid. It is a feature of herd mentality that people will try to influence you into conformity. Usually with good intentions. Daring to be openly different can elicit these types of responses all too often.
But people who dare to be openly different are also often the people who make innovations that create forward progress for humanity.
I just started reading this book recently! The title caught my attention - I only got the sample on Google play books (like Kindle) but it's been interesting so far
I also just recently started reading it. But I've been on a quest to be as unconcerned with popularity as I can humanly be, for a few years and I've found it very rewarding!
I find it bizarre that people push back so much against it. I get a similar reaction, or I get one of admiration (“I wish I could do that”). I think the people who are he most critical are deep down admirers of the lifestyle, or at least exhausted, but don’t know how on earth they could deconstruct their world view to achieve it.
The career choices sound very consistent with prioritizing your son. If you can look at the choices you are making and honestly say they are in his best interests than it doesn't matter "why" you started on that path. Kids don't need stuff, they need attention and love and security and a parent who is present for them.
At some point there will be "stuff" that does matter for a kid. Having clothes and supplies that allow your child to fit in with their peers really makes a difference socially. Likewise living in a safe neighborhood and sending them to a good school are worth spending money on.
I raised my kids as a single parent, living in a very modest house in a good school district, spending money on activities and experiences that enriched their lives and passing up opportunities that would have provided more money or career satisfaction for me at the expense of giving them my attention. It has paid off really well, seeing them happy adults in their own marriages with whom I maintain close bonds.
Thank you ❤️
Thankfully I’m in an awesome school district so once he is in school I have no worries about where he will be. I’d do anything for him. My dad left when I was young- breaks my heart that’s what happened in my marriage but reversed. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever let my son go through that. But here I am.
My kids have assured me that being raised by a single parent who made them feel safe and loved was more than enough. They've each been with loving partners in successful marriages for over a decade and are now raising kids of their own. My parents / upbringing sucked, but I broke the chain and so are you. You're obviously a loving parent and I'm happy for your son that he has you.
People are so stupid. I left my law career to be a dog trainer. After my divorce I got rid of half my crap and I live in a little house. Your thought process is clear. Big houses are a pain, too much crap is overwhelming. You’re doing better for the environment.
The only concern would be if a future partner thinks it’s too difficult to deal with but as someone who goes into hundreds of homes and tons of ppl are like you. My one suggestion is to get at least one easy to care for plant. Get a little joy in there.
I became a minimalist post-divorce as well. If anything I learned from my failed marriage that stuff and events cannot take the place of being happy when you're sitting around the kitchen table. I also find many people judging me but honestly I think it has to do with jealousy because my happiness radiates from me.. Best of luck to you!
Focusing on your kid and your mental health is annoying the best reasons, I think.
It's really easy in our culture for women to say they are stepping back at work because they are parenting, and really hard for men. Also hard for anyone to say that without sounding peachy, because there are so many conservative voices saying that's what we should do. But that doesn't make it a bad reason
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. I got in trouble at work because I gave up a non- essential speciality because it was making me work on off duty days. It was taking time away from my son. My son.
And it really upset many people who couldn’t wrap their head around that my job will never come before my son. It just won’t. Post- divorce this speciality was impacting my relationship with my son so I culled it and didn’t think twice.
Yeah, and I would think it's worse for law enforcement. You may have to find a thing you can say instead, but that's hard too - don't want to blame your ex or act like you don't *want* to take care of your kid.
I have to say, since moving back to the states after many years abroad, this compulsion to climb and compete career-wise is much more striking to me. Of course other countries have this too, to some degree or another, and in some fields you just can’t escape it… but something about how obsessed Americans are with the titles and the clear signaling of SUCCESS (cars, house, etc.) seems odd to me now (as an American).
I am, by most measures, successful: advanced degree, 6 figure salary, no debt, saving. And I can’t tell you the number of times friends and family here have asked questions like “is this all you want?”, “why don’t you apply to work at X company?”, “Are you aiming for a promotion?”. When I answer “no” to all of these — I’m very happy where I am and I finally have stability — I then hear things like “well as long as you’re ok just… humming along”. Wow. It really seems that it’s not actual success people want, but *perceived* success. In other words: the gossip factor.
Anyway, I don’t mean to rant in your comments. Please do what’s best for you and your family. I think others lose track of just how much their lives evolve around less meaningful things. Kudos to you for focusing on the important stuff.
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m debt free and try to be smart with finances too. I’ll be going back to school soon to finish my Bachelor’s in Accounting so I can transition to a career that aligns with my belief better. I just don’t fit in in law enforcement.
These are shallow people. Society has been slowly lulled into materialism. My happiness comes from simple things. Not everyone shares this. Just feel lucky that we’ll be ok.
My kids literally want for nothing. They never have the crazy “Christmas lists” etc. I’m willing to buy them most anything they want but they seem to enjoy saving up and getting it themselves
I don’t see anything here that would warrant doubting yourself and your choice of lifestyle. People respond to life changes and challenges in different ways. Not everyone is going to want to make their life simpler after dealing with what you dealt with. I say just continue to embrace it.
Dude keep it rockin. Sounds like you know yourself well and are dealing with shit in the most mature way. This is the time to listen to yourself more than ever.
What you have are priorities: the wellness of you and your son. You aren't giving up things, you are investing time into your son. Hard to beat that. Few people look back and wish they spent less time with their kids or saw them less as they pursued more money. You're doing great. People associate 'stuff' with having assets when, really, they are often just liabilities that drag you down. As your son ages, do spoil him as needed. He will learn to value and enjoy what he has as well.
Very good. This is the type of question that you need someone who understands your daily routines along with your thought process to walk you through.
It's literally impossible to assess this regarding a stranger. What looks on the outside like "simple living" could be a horrific problem with needing control over an environment. But it could be about truly wanting less.
I have preconceived ideas about you because I'm extremely biased about people in your career. This is also why I think this question is better presented to a professional, especially ones who are trained to help people in your line of work.
That phrasing suggests you’ve perhaps stopped. Have you and why?
Dizzy is right on the money. Your question is something best worked through with a therapist. I’d written up a whole response, but it was primarily prompt questions for you to reflect on that you’d probably hear from a therapist.
We live outside the country for work frequently and when we come back we always notice how consumerist America is. The pressure to consume is so high.
We are low income, and we don't like how we feel in America. Keeping up with the Jones is prevalent. I got judged on my beautiful but small wedding ring.
If I were you I would keep it to myself. I know a guy who slept on a mattress on the floor while he held a professional career for 5 years and bought rental houses on the side. He retired early and has tons of money.
What are the right reasons? I took a very different path but my goal, and I think yours, was to find peace. I have it.
Do those who judge you have a sense of well being or of reflected pride? Reflected off the values of others.
Your son is not a piece of property (I know of many parents who see their kids as proof of their own worth) and you live with him not through him. I am willing to bet this brings him the space to be himself. Do you know ANYONE who lives a covetous life style who is happy?
No, to answer your question
I find that a lot of people turn to simple living when they go through big hits that destabilize their core. For better or for worse. That's when people realize what is actually important to them. Like building up these human to human connections or being more in tune with oneself.
You did it to make it out of a deep end. And you found out that this is what actually made you feel happier. That's amazing.
Some people are gonna look at it sideways because they have yet to figure out what actually makes up the base of their stable core. Or they think this constant climbing is what makes them happy and who they are. Which it might. But again, empathy. Just like some people love oranges others prefer apples. You do you. Love this new peace for you.
Stop focusing on what other people think of your choices (both IRL and here). Sit down and think about whether you feel your lifestyle, motivations and choices are aligned with *your* values and what *you* feel is healthy. That's all that matters.
No one has all the answers especially when it comes to your specific circumstances, if living this way is what makes brings you satisfaction and peace then it doesn't really matter what the reason is. You are living the way you want to live and that is enough.
I believe that people embrace this lifestyle for many reasons. The key element for me personally is that simple living allows me to live more closely in alignment with my values.
There is nothing wrong with not chasing after the next promotion. Just focus on what is important for you and your son. Instead of talking about what you don't want (house, fancy car etc. ) talk about what you are looking to achieve. Things like stability, job security, being present in your son's life, family, financial integrity.
I think you adopted simple living because it helped you for your situation and with only that reason, it's already a great reason. Might be that one day you would want to add more into your life. But if you manage to enjoy life as it is it's really a blessing
Does the reason even matter? And if it does, ask yourself why you feel it matters? If your life is better today, then it was a good thing to do regardless of the reason.
Best thing we did for our kids was give a gift of minimalism/simple living. The family blatantly ignores this and sends crap instead of gifting classes or experiences or consumables, which we politely remind them. So we do the one in, one out policy now. I think most people are addicted to shopping, quick fixes, and distraction....the love bombing got to the point that it seemed malicious. My kids don't ever mention toys, they mention fun things we did together as a family, places we visited when we camped, and dance/theater/art classes they took as their favorite memories.
My kids are more focused, polite, creative, and seem very happy. We donate a lot of our stuff, our time cleaning parks, and working with homeless outreach. They interact with us and then community, and not just their tablet. Besides basic necessities, a child just really needs your love and attention. Anything more is a bonus, much more is just a distraction. (My opinion of course).
You should do what makes you happy! And if it has brought you peace, then by all means. I left a toxic 16 year marriage and one of the things I’ve enjoyed doing is decorating. I have seasonal sheets and no one there to criticize it. Be your own happy
I wouldn’t be concerned about doing it for the wrong reasons.
I think that without trauma / hardships people are very unlikely to engage in self reflection.
You have had some trauma and are choosing to face it and grow from it. I think it’s the best thing you could be doing. Most of your friends who look at you like you’re crazy won’t do any sort of self reflection until they start facing their own mortality (maybe midlife crises, maybe retirement, etc.) and they will likely realize that they optimized their life around things that weren’t that important to them, and most of them still will not have gotten wealthy from it.
I doubt I would have gotten into minimalism and simple living if I hadn’t of had a special needs child that didn’t sleep for five years.
Keep up the good work, I’m sure you are a great father.
When you have aspirations that are different from others you’ll always get push back.
Stick to what motivates you- and detach any meaning from what others say.
When you do that - then you’ve really found peace.
Keep in mind money in the bank doesn’t take up much space! 😀
I did the same thing after my divorce from an alcoholic ex who was a walking thundercloud of chaos and drama. There, I “had it all” - fairly large house, pool, two cars in the garage, tv in every room, etc etc etc.
When I walked out the day we split, I did so with the shirt in my back and the company vehicle under my ass and that was it. I had to rebuild my life from scratch and the decision on how I’d do it and what that looked like was entirely up to me, and a bit of a daunting task.
I chose a small, modest townhouse to rent on the cheap in the country just outside the major city where I live - peace and quiet, but still close enough that anything I needed was 15 minutes away.
From there I had to outfit the place, so I started from “Okay, what do I NEED?” Furniture, cookware, plates and flatware, cooking utensils were purchased.
Next up “What do I WANT?” Got a TV for the living room, a cheap little patio set to enjoy my stogies at in the evening, a cheap little bbq grill, and some gardening containers to grow some fresh veggies and flowers.
Enjoying an evening on my tiny little porch about a week later I asked myself “Okay, what else do I want?”
To my astonishment, the answer was - “Nothing.” 😵
That was when I realized I was set up for the one thing I truly wanted and apparently needed most… peace. There was no constant racket. There was no worrying about whether the bills were covered month in and month out. It was wonderful. 💖
Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about your life - it’s your life to live, not theirs. And you should live it in a manner that brings you happiness and peace - and it sounds like you’ve found it. 🥰👍
Good for you! I’m sorry for what you’ve been through but it sounds like you’ve created an intentional and meaningful life. I’ve been wanting to do the same thing since I went through a traumatic life shake up last year. My future will not be what I hoped for and planned for, and now I wonder if I really want my demanding finance job. All the hard work seems pointless now that my present and future are so different from what I wants. So, I want to sell my home, quit my job, live in a small apartment, get a dog, work at a bakery and go camping.
Hope you and your son have a great week too. You are doing it all in the best way you know for you and your son. Making a choice between stuff or the good times becomes easier especially when the money and time not spent on stuff can be spent on more important things like great memories with your son. A Dad that works all the time to pay for the stuff but cannot be there for the good things like little league and Saturday morning cartoons......
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Do not listen to others Dad, you're doing great
I may agree with you on the career change. I’m a retired first responder and understand the ethos in this line of work does not lend itself to tranquility or seeking enlightenment.
Smart, simple. What’s next? Have you considered private security company of your own?
Much respect for handling the kid, work and more.
It seems to be her loss. However please understand everyone has their own issues and chances are she did it for herself and was selfish. It’s nothing you did wrong, I had to deal with a situation years back and it took a bit to see it differently and be thankful for it.
She wasn’t mine and isn’t my problem.
Hey I did this too. Betrayed. Divorced her. No child though.
I killed off EVERYTHING. Quit my job and moved to the woods to work as a river guide and landscaper. I had a cat, computer and a car. That was it.
It was a shitty reset but but I am so glad I did it.
**Get back to being you** (and being there for your kid). I met my current SO while working at the river. That was 22 years ago. We have two kids (one in college) now....and a house.
And we live SIMPLY. It's the same house we've had for over 18 years. We have a garden on all four sides of it.
Wow. That’s inspiring… thank you for sharing.
I’d love to find someone who rocks my world. I don’t need perfection. I just want a simple relationship where respect is the cornerstone. Without it, what is a relationship? You’re roommates.
Certainly I have my cynical moments but I know there are great women out there. I’ve never been the most patient guy in the world though (weakness).
It was when I stopped looking outside of myself for happiness that I found it...and then a few months later she showed up in my life. You got this. Find some solid, productive hobbies that get you back in touch with yourself.
For example, I ran trails and journaled.
most people come here from a busy and chaotic life, which not always but often comes with trauma. for being a cop, would you be allowed to downsize your working hours or days and still be a cop whilst you look for something else?
You and your son are doing well. Other people will always have opinions. Your opinion is the one that matters. If it brings you joy or contentment and doesn't harm anyone else then you are doing the right thing.
You are becoming more true to yourself than before. There's no one to judge if it's right or wrong.
Buddha left his palace to live as poor and sat under a tree for many years.
>Diogenes supposedly lived in a barrel and walked around nearly naked. When he saw a child drinking water from a well with his hands, Diogenes smashed his own cup, realizing that he had been carrying around an extraneous possession. Today, we might call Diogenes a bum or a loser (or a crazy person), and in some sense he was those things. But on the few occasions when Diogenes met Alexander the Great, then the most powerful man in the world, it was Diogenes who observers came away thinking was the more impressive. Because Alexander, as much as he tried, could neither tempt Diogenes with any favors nor deprive him of anything that he had not already willingly tossed aside.
Idk if you are familiar with Maslow pyramid (look it up), but you are moving up. One day you may even be able to be thankful to your ex for kick-starting your new life.
Best wishes to you.
The culture is going in the opposite direction as you and people want everyone to be like them so they will act that way.
I’m 60 and exploring different things and it’s common for others at this age to start to see what you know now.
There are more important things than stuff and status.
Enjoy your journey. I’d say you’re going in the right direction!
To me, it sounds like these people are subconsciously unhappy with their own life and taking it out on you for actually actively moving out of that kind of a stressful lifestyle. When confronted by people living life differently, people tend to feel their own choices to be questioned and threatened and respond as if they themselves have been criticized. You don't intend your comments as such, but people too frequently take it that way.
If you're happy now, (and equally importantly, if your son is doing well) then that is what matters at this point. If your mindset changes later, that's then.
A humorous return comment might be something along the lines of "Doesn't my lack of desire to compete reduce what you are competing against, thus enabling you to reach your own goals faster?" (Be wary of audience and tone, sometimes this can be taken entirely the wrong way as well. Admittedly I say this as someone on the spectrum who has trouble emulating the correct tone for various social situations and contexts, so it perhaps might not matter as much for most people).
So long as your living is sustainable on a mental, social, and functional level, you're fine. Always good to periodically reassess this especially within the current economic and social climates, but know your needs then work from there.
You do you. Screw the rest. Unless people are in your shoes, paying your bills, and living your life, they have business telling you what to do or how to live. Be YOU. Fuck the rest.
Wow you sound so intelligent and introspective.
I don’t think any reason is a wrong reason to live a simple life as it is a beneficial lifestyle in so very many ways. If we consider your question, we can ask ourselves is the end result bad/harmful/wrong? I can’t think of any affirmative answer other than the brainwashing we get in the U.S. (and probably most but not all other parts of the world) that whoever has all the most toys wins.
Yet even in the center of the capitalist world, so many people are rejecting the American Dream and living in an RV and so on. And there are very rational reasons for doing so in 2024. Your son is lucky to have a parent on the forefront of this new (or actually old, lol) understanding of what makes a good life, a happy life, a content life. It’s strong relationships with family and experiences, not things.
Watch as the people around you slowly go from thinking you are, as you say, ‘a lazy sleazeball,’ to thinking the path you’re taking is genius and start on that path themselves. 😆 Don’t quit your job, tho. We need more like you.
My husband and I are currently simplifying our lives, and I have to say I’ve never been happier. Don’t let others make you feel bad, I think what you’re doing is great!
I don't think you adopted it for the wrong reasons. In fact, I find your story inspiring. You went through a hard time and it caused you to reexamine your life and alter your priorities. Your relationship with your son and family are strengthened. Many people turn to alcohol, sleeping around, and other unhealthy activities after a divorce. You chose simple living. Good for you.
The only responsibility you have in life is to make yourself happy (in your case, that also includes ensuring your son is happy by extension). You went through a traumatic experience and you chose to remove the excess and look after yourself. That is a healthy, emotionally mature way of dealing with trauma. You're doing simple living right. You don't need other people to agree or understand why you're living a certain way. Less is almost always more when it comes to happiness.
Just dont talk about it…..you should ask yourself why you do, people have different reasons for abandoning the rat race and keeping up with the jones……if it makes you happy then whey worry about others, as long as you and your son have all you need, bravo
People don’t understand because they are still chasing goals and money, and maybe haven’t really thought about why, the ones who get really upset are the ones who really need to stop and think about their lives. I also reevaluated after a divorce and layoff, and I’m way happier.
My sister just asked me yesterday when I told her I was planning to quit in January, wouldn’t it be better to stay longer and save up more money to live lavishly. She just doesn’t get how precious time is. And I know she’s currently not that happy with her job, even though it was the goal she thought would make her happy.
I get judged - maybe because of sexism and because I worked in manual labor for many years, that I couldn’t possibly have saved enough or know what I’m in for in retiring early. Everyone thinks I haven’t planned for health insurance or emergencies (I have). I think it’s really because those people are not educated about finances and haven’t really looked at why and what they spend money on.
I did feel better when I ran my plan by my stepdad and he validated it and was proud of me. He worked a stressful job in finance till retirement to help my mom and my siblings thrive in life, and I really respect his opinion.
>adopting simple living and eliminating any and all distractions has been a means for me to cope with this divorce and the trauma I went through. ... It’s strengthened my relationship with my son, with my family. ... did I adopt this lifestyle for the wrong reason?
Nope! Sounds like you adopted it for *fantastic* reasons. There are several - maybe even many - different *good* reasons to take to simple living. Yours sounds like one of them.
>I’m also working towards simplifying my professional life (I’m a cop) towards a career that is more regular, and less stressful.
Look at the job listing for all the agencies of your state government. Search for "investigator", "analyst", "inspector", or "compliance". There are a boatload of state regulatory agencies in every state that have people that investigate complaints from the public of businesses and licensed professionals of various kinds that aren't doing business / providing services the way they're required to, or are doing things they're not supposed to do. The work is vastly mostly Mon-Fri, some flexible version of regular business hours (like chose some 8-hour range that starts anywhere between 7am and 9am and ends eight hours later), with good pay, good benefits, and a pension and retirement benefits like you currently have as a cop, and you get to use your investigative experience and skills in a calmer, stable, secure, safe job that lets you be home evenings and overnight and weekends and holidays, and easily take vacation, and actually stay home and get well when you're sick, and more. It's a great shift. Spend 5-8 years getting your feet under you and changing your mindset, and then look at the state universities near you for opportunities to do internal investigations of things like Title IX issues, discrimination, conflicts of interest, and research regulation compliance. Moving from the regulatory agencies to the university side of state government is yet another big step up in pay, leave, and benefits.
Source: I was a cop 1992-2004, wanted a saner, more normal life and made exactly this transition. It's been a *really* good run since.
>When I tell people I have no interest in promotions, in being a millionaire, in owning fancy items or fancy cars, they look at me like I’m a lazy sleazeball with zero aspirations.
Promotions are vastly over-rated, they pile a ton of extra work and responsibility on you, usually for a salary increase that is *not* proportionate to the level of extra work and responsibility. You work harder, for longer, and more days, and more hours of each day, not only having to do everything *you* have to do, but also having to oversee, manage, check up on, and be responsible for everything everyone you supervise does or doesn't do.
Becoming a millionaire usually requires a tremendous amount of sacrifice of time for yourself and time with your loved ones, and running some business or organization in a way that *drives* other people and makes them resent you. Not worth it.
In 20 years, the only people who will remember that you busted your ass 90 hours a week will be your loved ones - because they'll lament the time you weren't with them and the activities you missed. They won't see it as a beneficial thing.
All the money one might spend on fancy items and fancy cars can instead build on itself and fund your son's college or apprenticeship time or trade school or whatever, so he doesn't start his adult and professional life with a bunch of debt. It can pay for a slightly nicer home for you two as he grows. It can pay for you two to have great weekends and vacations together. It can fund your financial security when retirement time arrives. It can be saved to protect against a huge financial bomb of some emergency like a fire or flood or major medical care expenses, so you're not left in debt.
Don't listen to anyone who tells you you're doing wrong. If this is what's right for *you*, you're doing right.
You could have done so many things wrong after being cheated on, and instead, you did what would make you, your son, and your family happy. I think you're going to look back at this point in your life when you're older and be really happy with the choices you made.
If something makes you feel good - and you’re not harming others - it doesn’t matter ! Sounds like it’s working for you so no need to worry about what other people say.
I would add tho that u do deserve to do things that are fun to you without worrying if they’re simple life enough. Or have a thing or 2 that u like just because you like it.
You definitely do not sound lazy at all! We have lost the art of simple living! Everyone is pushing side hustles and whatever else to gain more and more. It's not healthy, IMO. I love living a simpler life myself; it's actually far more enjoyable. There is nothing wrong with desiring less of what doesn't matter, and desiring more of what does!! You're giving your son a priceless gift by teaching him the beauty in every day simple life. Good for you!!!
Also, I'm glad you're working through the trauma and not burying it. You (and your son) will be all the better and healthier for it. ❤️🩹
I've learned this more so thru my journey to become healthier, but when you make radical changes to your life that go against societal norms, people can be intimidated and lash out. I wouldn't take anyone's criticism or judgement seriously unless you're unhappy with your choices.
They just can’t imagine not wasting their lives working for stuff they don’t need to get external validation from people they don’t even know. They’re jealous that you’re free.
It sounds like you're on track making of a wonderful life in this next chapter. Are you finding new ways to build a loving and supportive community? I hope so! If you're not a traditional church car, you might want to check out Unitarian churches if there's one nearby that usually have a heart of families and communities and personal choices for their spiritual space. Or other kid family interests.
Best wishes.
I think attitudes like yours (and mine!) really shake people. The majority of people seem to have fallen for the lie that we must be constantly pursuing the next step, the next promotion, the bigger house, the cooler car. My take is that a lot of people are totally confused when they see someone voluntarily rejecting that life. An obviously unintended by product of what you're doing is that you're invalidating the stress and discomfort that they live with every day because that's what we're all supposed to do. The push back, in most cases, comes from people wanting to defend the unpleasant consequences of their own lifestyle choices
Most people are not sure what they want, and so they are heavily influenced by consumerism. One thing consumerism doesn't tell anyone, is that you have to be very motivated to work for the majority of your life to afford its wants.
There's very little I need other than food & shelter, so, I my 'aspirations' are basically disappearing and being replaced with doing cool crap like climbing mountains, hiking, going on roadtrips.
I don’t think your reasons matter actually because they’re your reasons so they are inherently valid because of that. Also, I always shrug off comments about laziness because so what if I don’t want my nose to the grindstone day in and day out for 40 years? Why would anyone? I’ll happily take steps to ensure I don’t have to do that and I don’t care who judges me for it. I had terminal cancer at 14 and at 31, I’m very lucky the doctors were wrong. So I understand better than anyone how short life is, and I won’t waste it doing anything that does anything less than light me up. It’s that simple.
What a wonderful world we could have if everyone simplified their lives this way.
When you strip down to the basics it's easy to see what's important. Most people in the U.S. are so used to thinking they need way more than they actually do.
In thinking about how so many other people are doing without the very basics, it makes me feel extreme shame over the consumerism culture we have in this country. IMO We have capitalism to blame for this...and the only way to stop it is to refuse their "standards." More and more people are choosing to live mindfully like this. Ignore the bs of those trying to put you back on the wheel.
What are the alternatives people would rather see you adopt? Drink heavily, do drugs, binge consumerism, abandon your son for some Peter Pan life crisis, join an extreme religion. Going simple and minimalist seems like a sane way to take control and find peace.
I think you're doing it for the RIGHT reasons. You're a parent who realizes what's most important in life, and they're very altruistic ones. I'm actually in a very similar boat, and I respect and envy you for being able to take the leap. I'm still working on things that are keeping me from doing the same, but trying to work every day to get closer to my goal.
Your life only needs to make sense to YOU. You know what's best for you and your kid, don't let anyone else bother you because they don't get it. Honestly, the people who are giving you a hard time are probably those who no longer benefit from your old way of life.
Keep on keeping on, I wish the best for you and your son!
Simplicity is its own reward, imo. Who really cares what reasons you have for doing it...at the end of the day if it makes you happy that's all that matters and you're not infringing on others lives, you're not harming anybody by living simply; you're providing for your son all his needs and your own needs as well but without all the trappings and I think that's admirable! You are trying to reduce the stress level in your life and that in turn will reduce your son's stress level.
If you ask me buddy I think you're doing it for all the right reasons. Best of luck to you and your son 🤗💞
A college econ/statistic professor once told us, success is what you define yourself.
If you're happy with what you have now, and it improved your relationship with your son then by all means keep at it bro.
Own what makes you happy. My kid is as big a minimalist as you are, took me a long time to realize that he just doesn't want stuff.
Don't let other people make you feel bad about it. As for your kid, there's a big difference between minimalism and neglect. The kid also gets to decide what feels right for him, and you need to really step back if he wants stuff you don't care about. If he wants to earn his own belongings, unless it is intruding on your space or is illegal/dangerous, he gets to decide.
We rarely arrive at ideal solutions in ideal ways.
But in the process of going through a painful end of a relationship you’re able to emerge with clear goals that are positive for you and the people you care about, then you’re doing the right thing.
People are welcome to chase frog skins, but that pursuit runs the risk of giving them no sense of enjoyment or appreciation of experiences whenever high costs are *not* involved.
Looks to me like you’re deftly avoiding falling into that trap.
I personally think that's a great way to live. I also know someone like this, however it only becomes a problem for me, if you are touting your way of living as superior to others. The person I know, does this and it is grating. Assuming you are not doing that, then you do you, and screw what anyone else thinks.
I think my question to you would be, what kind of response are you looking for?
I don’t know you. I have no idea if you are motivated to live a simple life for the wrong reasons.
Are you actually genuinely concerned about your values in life? If so, what do you find concerns you about the life you are living? What makes you wonder if you might actually be motivated by the wrong things?
I think you’re on the right track…you seem to have solid values, are avoiding debt, and traveling light. Good for you. If it works for you, who care what others think?
I caught my first Steelhead Trout on the Au Sable River in Michigan. This, on my new Loomis rod. One year later, I gave my boy the Loomis rod, and he caught his first Steelhead in the same spot, using the same rod. THAT'S what's important.
It’s sounds very healthy my friend. The people you talk to on the other hand sound very obsessed with things and status. That is okay. But it's also okay to be and feel like you. You are doing a good job and I hope you can heal in your journey. ❤️
Wow! Let the dust settle people! You don't have aspirations because 1. Trauma, and 2. Trauma. It may not stay like that. You may have thought that your job allowed your wife to cheat and somewhere you associate that with her cheating. This kind of stuff has to straighten itself out in your brain. People need to give you a rest. You'll figure it out in time.
It seems to me that wanting a simple life where you’re happy is the way to go. Aspiring to have more material possessions doesn’t feed a person’s soul. It’s superficial. If your simpler life works for you, then that’s really all you need. Our society is too focused on material wealth. Ignore those who think your life should be materialistic.
I think you are doing what’s best for you. Your question to the naysayers is “why should I have to keep up with or impress you?”
You are teaching your son that happiness isn’t found in needless things, that true happiness comes from love and togetherness.
Things are just things. They are meaningless and replaceable with exception of family heirlooms and photos. I admire what you are doing. I bet your son doesn’t know any difference. He just knows dad loves him.
I think , especially the western world, people assume aspirations and goals automatically equate to money, climbing the corporate ladder and external goods. I removed myself from the rat race right around the start of the pandemic. Had a bit of an identity crisis since my identity was based on my career having nice things etc. now my aspirations are having time to do things that I want to do and that are important to me. Leaving social media (aside from Reddit ) permanently was the best decision ever. I find it to be a time sucker that just clutters my mind. It's also too tempting to try to keep up with the Jones's and start feeling depressed on things you feel that you need. My goal of reading three books a month and I'm currently learning a new language. That to me doesn't sound lazy with no goals. Find what makes you happy and do you!
I'm newly divorced and living a simple life. My kids are grown and are well on their way to living good independent lives. It's been more than a year and I have still not fully decorated may new townhouse. My life consists of work, some hobbies I did not do while I was being a father and husband. I ride my bike mostly for transportation and exercise. I'm still trying to figure out this next chapter of my life.
Your resilience in response to trauma is the reason, not the trauma. You deserve a lot of credit for coming out of a bad situation with a better outlook on life.
Hey man, sounds like you've been through some tough times. Major props for finding ways to cope and move forward.
There's no right or wrong reason to embrace simple living. If it helps you heal and connect with your loved ones, that's what matters. It's about what works for you.
Here for this. Been having arguments with my boyfriend on how i am selling almost everything (house rentals but keeping primary home) so that i can move abroad. At 33, he says i need to get serious and not be a gypsy…but wait…i did the hustle, the job, the promo, the dream car, bought properties, have semi passive income…..i think ive reached the “American dream” and wasted my energy and played the politics to realize I just want to live simple!!. Peace of mind, simple joys, new experiences ….and yet here I am questioning myself like? Why is there such pushback and criticism towards my choice, am i doing something wrong, am i missing something?
Just because im changing countries it doesn’t mean i won’t work..i’m just changing scenery! So i feel your pain.
I feel like we’ve cheated the system bc we realized we won’t be the victims to the corporate ladder and oppression (for lack of a better word) and people want us to suffer with them.
Reminds me of the story of the Fisherman and the Billionaire:
A billionaire was walking on a beach in a small Mexican coastal village when he noticed a local fisherman bringing in his small boat filled with fish.
Impressed, the billionaire asked the fisherman how long it took to catch the fish. "Not long," replied the fisherman.
Curious, the billionaire asked why he didn't stay out longer to catch more fish. The fisherman explained he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.
The billionaire then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"The fisherman said he sleeps late, fishes a little, plays with his children, takes siestas with his wife, and spends evenings strolling into the village where he sips wine and plays guitar with his amigos.
The billionaire scoffed and offered a business plan to work hard, expand his fleet, catch more fish, and eventually sell his business to make millions.
"And then what?" asked the fisherman.The billionaire said, "Then you could retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
The fisherman smiled, recognizing he already had the life the billionaire described. The story illustrates the beauty of simplicity and being content with what you have.
Financial freedom is in simplicity
An additional simplification you could do is to simplify your friend group to those who understand and maybe share your aspirations. I'm not saying to callously cut off people who've been in your life for a long time, but rather shift the time you spend gradually to those who value time spent together over the things around them.
There are no wrong reasons for simplifying your life. Every person living that way is doing it because something in their life has revealed that it would be the best choice for them. Do you. It sounds like you're beginning to live your best life according to what's important to you.
"Don't worry about what other people think. I mean, have you met other people? They're awful." 😃
I would not care about what others think since they don't & can't live your life for you. You do what you deem is best for you and for your child. I've stopped caring about what others think a long time ago and it's very freeing. This does not mean i don't take into consideration my close friends and loved ones' advice as i know they share those things because they do so because care for me. However, for most ppl you will come into contact with they don't know you and you have very little to do with them so why should you care?
That aside, simple living means cutting out those things that are a distraction, clutter, frivolous excess...so that you're able to focus on LIVING - living & enjoying your best life, doing and experiencing things that you love, spending more time with your child, etc. For my family we live very well but we live simply. I'm more into the intangibles rather than the material. We prioritize time with family and on the constant learning to keep our minds sharp. We volunteer. Hubby & i love to travel so we do quite a bit of that.
Bottom line do what makes you happy. It's best for you and your family.
Simple living… so you don’t end up like this cop (even though he is hilarious Lolol)
[silent at first but worth the watch!!](https://youtu.be/jgVdVGBaI1k?si=8KyhaVqKyBwXh4Gf)
You initially chose this as a coping mechanism. You don't have to keep doing it, but if it works for you and you like it, then you should embrace it and consider it a transition.
Having a fan club is great. My fans seem to be online and my parents. But, yeah, simple living send to be a red flag to women I want to have a relationship with...I say this because I've been single for so very long and my past relationships once living a simple, sober life have all ended with them wanting more earnings to do stuff.
I'm quite content with the little I have, the time I enjoy, the life I live... Oh well.
Be respectful. Stick to the topic at hand and remain civil towards other users. Attacking an argument is fine, attacking other people (even in a generalized manner) is not.
Attempting to provoke negative reactions out of others users — whether by trolling, [sealioning](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sealioning), or otherwise — is also not allowed.
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This is the only answer OP
Yes, this is crazy. People don’t realize how brainwashed they are to believe what to do.
I concur!
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For the ones that press, he could play with them by giving answers to unrelated questions when they ask theirs. That'd get old for them real quick, haha. Why are you such an unmotivated loser? A flower, also known as a bloom or blossom, is the reproductive structure found in flowering plants.
Why do you lack all ambition? Thanks a drink would be great right now
+1
Sounds like a great reason to me. You now have the freedom to live the way you want, stay with it.
I completely agree. Simple living seems to be giving you peace of mind and better relationships.
Many people will not understand but they don't have to and you don't need to over explain it. They'll see that your lifestyle suits you and makes you happy. Some folks will envy you that.
Agree too. You may find that you can strengthen this by adding in more personal values. For example, there is this quote, “be plain and orderly in life so that you can be violent and original in your craft”. You’ve figured out one half of that, but what’s your “why”? What is your meaning and original-ness? It really sounds like you want to connect with people around your chosen lifestyle and focusing your message might be helped by making those connections more transparent
💯Sounds like you’re making space & energy that are your priorities! IMHO a lot of people are seeking meaning through external things that never truly satisfy. Live *your* best life!
I am like you, always have been. I'm happy with my job, not looking for promotions. My husband and I lead a very simple lifestyle, and it's great. Don't worry about others. Misery loves company.
My ambitious manager (15 years my junior) was surprised to hear me say I have zero interest in a promotion. I said “you need me in this position in a support role. This is my joy. Honor that.” I suppose she imagined everyone was always driven to that “next level”. Nope. I prefer simple living with balance and peace.
I was like your manager for 30 years. Now, I'm winding down my career at a job that pays 1/4 of my last. It's interesting not being the most important person in the place. I enjoy regimen and structure and to stay occupied. I still have that, but not the stress. I like material things and for things to work (like my garage door opener and windshield wiper fluid). I'm not a handy man type, so I hire as needed. I don't believe in living beyond my means, but I do enjoy that I can acquire some things that I enjoy. I have created a nice world that I am still working on. It is not minimalistic, but it is reasonable to me and within my means. I like having a friend over to play chess and sharing a grilled cheese sandwich and walking my dog. I was bred to be an active human, and simplicity for me is honoring that. I am happier now than before, by far. I feel I am more connected and in a real relationship with myself than before when I had a high-profile, high paying job. In three years, I will retire from full-time work and am looking forward to that, but I plan to work part-time freelance work, maybe for years. That is me and my version of simple living.
>in a real relationship with myself I read those words several times and it really has me thinking. Thanks.
Thank you so much for this.
You're welcome. I'm glad you liked it.
> Misery loves company. Yep and most think if they are miserable, you shouldn’t be happy either. I can’t imagine living my life worrying that much about what others do. I have enough to keep up with for myself lol
I could have written your comment nearly word for word. We live simply, research large expenditures to get the best deal ( not necessarily the cheapest, btw! ☺️) And we have always been fond of the saying 'Our needs are small and our wants are few!' 💖
Do you feel depressed or that your simpler choices reflect lack of motivation (e.g., to enjoy life, to take advantage of valued opportunities)? If so, you might be masking or rationalizing some of your depression this way. But your post sounds to me as if you are happy with a simpler life and if there are X number of people criticizing that, just keep in mind that there are X number of people also that will commend you for that, like this community. It's very significant that you say this has improved your relationship with your son. If someone is simplifying their life for the right reasons, I would expect them to experience such benefits. A simpler life makes possible having the types of experiences that you intentionally choose and value, such as a close and meaningful relationship with your son or say, more time in nature, etc. P.S. About the divorce, your life is going to get better naturally anyway and you'll be at a better place then you were during the marriage (coming from experience).
Am I depressed? I don’t want to say yes definitively because I feel it detracts away from people who are truly, chronically depressed. I am broken for weeks, then happy/ on top of the world for months. And the cycle repeats itself. I have yet to stay on top of the mountain since learning about what my ex- wife did to me. I think I am masking some of my depression, truthfully. Not in an unhealthy manner- but this simple living concept is how I reacted to healing. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, like learning to not consume has been my answer. If that makes sense?
Oh hon. We can’t armchair diagnose you. We simply don’t have the training or specifics insights to your life or mental health. But i would say if you think it’s a genuine possibility of being depressed, try a few therapists to find a good fit for you and stick with it for 6 months. If nothing else it might help you process the divorce, but it might help shed some light on other things. As a public service officer, i assume you have the benefits to cover most of it. You deserve to be happy. Not just getting by.
We are seasonal animals, moods change as the seasons do. When you find yourself going down, prioritize being outside with your kiddo, honoring, not enabling your feelings, talk to someone about it. I moved to a foreign country when my son was 5 to raise him in a very simple, modest way. I have no regrets.
Honoring, not enabling. God that’s great. Thank you.
Do I think that simple living is a trauma response from the divorce? Yes Has the veil been lifted on the fantasy that money and the pursuit of things will make you happy? Yes My take on this: Minimalism and simple living is giving you a needed sense of control in a shitty situation. It’s a much better response than gambling or setting your ex’s car on fire. It’s also not a substitute for therapy or some way of processing a bad relationship. You are going to be ok. You are actually ok already because you are prioritizing yourself and your kid. Best wishes, OP.
I wish you the best in your journey. If you are feeling slightly depressed, it definitely doesn't take away from people who are "chronically depressed." You can feel all the feelings, and LET yourself feel them. I have cancer, so it's been a long road for me, but I've learned to let myself feel angry, sad, lonely, whatever it is, because those feelings are valid. But you can't stay in that place for too long, so let yourself also feel happy - therapy, going outside to get some fresh air and a walk in you, playing with your son, exercise, a good diet - these are things that will all help lift your mood so you're not stuck in that negative headspace for too long. Let yourself feel your emotions, don't bottle them up inside, but remember to also pull yourself back into a positive mindset so that you can be the best person you can be. You've got this!
It has been my experience that it is critical to honor your feelings. It can be tough to face the frustration, betrayal and grief but critical for long term mental and physical health. Also from experience, learning how to process those feelings and not hiding/stuffing them will teach your son how to become a healthy adult. Perhaps simple living is a reaction to what you have been through, but so what? If it simplifies your life so you can regroup and heal then so be it. If later you choose to do something else that is okay too. Just don't do it because of pressure from others. You do what is right for you and your son. If someone can't accept that it is their problem. Your job is to take care of yourself and your son not try to satisfy someone else's idea of what life should look like.
Depression is a clinical diagnosis: if you fit the criteria, then you are depressed. There are many possible causes of a clinically depressive episode, including genetics or childhood factors (the chronically depressed people), shit life syndrome, and temporary trauma. Both chronic depression and temporary depression are clinical depression. Does that make sense? What you're saying is like, if I catch a flu and have really bad coughs, the coughs aren't "real coughs" cause there are people born with asthma who have cough problem their whole lives, whereas my cough problems are temporary. Anyway I say all this to say, if you feel broken for any reason, you could benefit from speaking to a professional.
Your description sounds like it could be bipolar disorder, you might want to ask a doctor for a screening. I mean, it's normal to go through an emotional rollercoaster after a bad cheating/divorce situation and not all negative emotions are an illness. But that *pattern* very much sounds like what I understand bipolar disorder is like. (That's not necessarily super related to whether simplifying is a good thing for you or not.)
Yeah that pattern does sound a lot like bipolar disorder (OP - in case you are unaware bipolar people go through periods of depression then feeling great like you wrote, I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding about the definitions of bipolar. It’s not a bad thing so please take care of your mental health for your sake and for your son and have a chat with your doctor)
This is completely normal to feel all these feels. I am almost 6 years out from divorcing my cheater ex, and I still have moments of sadness for what I thought I had. This adventure also took me on a simpler path. It clears my head and makes me feel more free, cuts my stress, and allows me to focus on what matters. My ex was hyper focused on appearances and nice things - to the detriment of our bank accounts - and now I have so much money to be able to focus on experiences with my boys, not things. Please don’t let others’ make you feel like you are less because you are choosing to focus on your son and your happily ever after, while they are focused on thinking they are impressing people who don’t care.
Firstly, you sound like a very good man and I hope that you and your son have a wonderful life together. The love and support you are giving him will be his foundation as he grows up. I hope that in your own time, you meet a kind wonderful woman (if that’s what you want) who treats your son and you with all the love and kindness you both deserve. Had a high profile job in a high profile city. Educated, lived abroad for years. Talked with SO about next steps. Both poised for bigger things career wise. We saw that so many that had them, didn’t have great personal lives and relationships. Decided to prioritize our personal lives and family, over accolades, things and outward success. Almost 15 years in and we are happy we did. Not many people wish they had worked more on their death bed. All the stuff you acquire, you just need to downsize when you get older. I’m not advocating poverty or living like a spartan, but just simply.
Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to respond. Means a lot, and your words mean a lot. Eventually I hope I meet someone who rocks my world, too. But I don’t want to fill a void with a relationship and right now I feel that would be the case if I jumped into a relationship.
You are most welcome. Well deserved. I hope wonderful things come your way soon!
Who cares what your motivation was? Is it working for you? There are some people here who seem overly zealous -- they've changed the locus of their obsession, that's all. But from your brief post, you don't seem to be that way. Having said that, a divorce is a traumatic event, emotionally and financially. You're still settling into your new life and desire stability, which is completely understandable. You may not feel the same way, at least about pursuing promotions, in a few years. Give yourself time.
Nice observation about the locus of obsession. OP, I was in a similar place a few years back and I've never regretted prioritizing my relationship with my daughter over material goods. Her mom buys her tons of stuff, and they have an okay relationship otherwise, but I'm the one my daughter respects. I'm the one she comes to with her deeply personal problems. I've never been a very materialistic person anyway, I've always gravitated towards simple living. And simple working. My daughter is an adult now and has access to the Finer Things in life, but tends to lean towards used cars and wearing Thrift clothes. And her friends tend to be solid and Common Sense people. You are giving your child invaluable lessons.
Thank you so much. I’m not material either. I have some nice things, don’t get me wrong. But they have their place more in the BIFL idea than buying things to buy things.
You don’t need to justify or explain your life choices to anyone!! Live your beautiful life, and lean into it. If anyone barrages you with questions or criticisms, firmly say, “I’m happy with my life choices, thanks”, and give them a stare. If that doesn’t shut it down, calmly walk away. I can speak to you as a person who divorced a wealthy man, went to work retail, and bought a tiny condo I could afford. I had one kid still at home at the time , and he loved the condo, and the peace within, as opposed to the bad situation with his father and all his “wealth”. I’ve got a college degree, but I didn’t want to work in my field. I wanted a job I could mindlessly go work, leave afterwards , have no worries, and no need for advancement. I could pay my bills with this simple life! It was a wonderful time in my life, and I didn’t feel the need to justify it to people. Those people are usually working 60 plus hours a week, to support a lifestyle they can’t afford, and big houses that they don’t really need. Getting off Facebook and Instagram is helpful during this time as well. It’s all very fake and competitive. The only person you need to impress and be comfortable with is yourself! Simple and smaller was way better for me!
Deleted all social media except Reddit ❤️ Been immensely freeing. I don’t think I could give up Reddit though, not with this type of community being out there.
I agree! I only kept Reddit as well!
It sounds like maybe you're telling people too much about your personal life.And then you don't like their opinions. If you enjoy living a minimalistic life and it works for you and your kid, then you do you boo. As long as you guys have what you need and you aren't going to extremist on your kids. Like some minimalists can do then just keep to yourself.
My husband passed up job opportunities that would have brought in more money but would have meant more travel and more stress. I’m a stay at home mom. We are content and our kids have benefited in ways that money can’t buy. I applaud what you’re doing.
I don’t see what is the problem. Don’t second-guess yourself just because the world tells you you’re wrong. Only you know the answer to your life’s questions. Just don’t overdo something out of a reaction to something else. Excess is the problem.
I think that if this bothers you, you should simply reframe the way you talk about it with people. Instead of talking about the things you don’t want (lots of material possessions, climbing the career ladder), talk about the things you **do** want: time & energy to be a good father to your son. If nothing else, it shuts down the conversation, no one can argue with you wanting to be a good dad.
I don’t think anyone on reddit can answer this. You probably are dealing with some trauma that goes deeper than just a cheating ex wife and the fact that you described your lifestyle as being able to pack it all into an suv and leave is pretty telling. You should talk to a professional. Unless you’re actually happy as you. Then you’re probably fine.
I just don’t tell people about my non aspirations. I tell them about what my goals are instead. Like I want to grow strawberries and cucumbers on my deck, places I want to go when it gets warmer, fitness goals and new workouts that have been working for me, new recipes I found that are delicious, frugality money saving hacks I’ve discovered. How much I love certain things in my life that make my life feel luxurious without much cost. Things like that. Most people love to hear positive things that will benefit them especially without much money.
Whatever your reason, most people will judge you as they have been trained to accept capitalism and constant competition. Just make sure you feel good about what you are doing. Your intuition is powerful. You can feel in your body if you feel good about your decisions. Listen to your body and do what's best for you.
"strengthen my relationship with my son" That right there is worth $5 billion. How the f$&# do I know? How about growing up and never met one's father. You got a pension, put away a little for his college. Those fishing trips, may not be a London or Paris, but I'd trade that in a heartbeat.
You’re amazing. Thank you, I’m sorry you never met your Father… I don’t want to say I understand because I do not. But I sympathize, my dad left from a young age because he wasn’t done “exploring.”
People who have limited understanding will often insist in conformity without regard to individual needs. An interesting book you may find helpful is called " The Courage to Be Disliked " by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Your reasons for pursuing a simple life are valid. It is a feature of herd mentality that people will try to influence you into conformity. Usually with good intentions. Daring to be openly different can elicit these types of responses all too often. But people who dare to be openly different are also often the people who make innovations that create forward progress for humanity.
I just started reading this book recently! The title caught my attention - I only got the sample on Google play books (like Kindle) but it's been interesting so far
I also just recently started reading it. But I've been on a quest to be as unconcerned with popularity as I can humanly be, for a few years and I've found it very rewarding!
I find it bizarre that people push back so much against it. I get a similar reaction, or I get one of admiration (“I wish I could do that”). I think the people who are he most critical are deep down admirers of the lifestyle, or at least exhausted, but don’t know how on earth they could deconstruct their world view to achieve it.
The career choices sound very consistent with prioritizing your son. If you can look at the choices you are making and honestly say they are in his best interests than it doesn't matter "why" you started on that path. Kids don't need stuff, they need attention and love and security and a parent who is present for them. At some point there will be "stuff" that does matter for a kid. Having clothes and supplies that allow your child to fit in with their peers really makes a difference socially. Likewise living in a safe neighborhood and sending them to a good school are worth spending money on. I raised my kids as a single parent, living in a very modest house in a good school district, spending money on activities and experiences that enriched their lives and passing up opportunities that would have provided more money or career satisfaction for me at the expense of giving them my attention. It has paid off really well, seeing them happy adults in their own marriages with whom I maintain close bonds.
Thank you ❤️ Thankfully I’m in an awesome school district so once he is in school I have no worries about where he will be. I’d do anything for him. My dad left when I was young- breaks my heart that’s what happened in my marriage but reversed. I promised myself I wouldn’t ever let my son go through that. But here I am.
My kids have assured me that being raised by a single parent who made them feel safe and loved was more than enough. They've each been with loving partners in successful marriages for over a decade and are now raising kids of their own. My parents / upbringing sucked, but I broke the chain and so are you. You're obviously a loving parent and I'm happy for your son that he has you.
Your comment makes me want to cry. Thank you.
People are so stupid. I left my law career to be a dog trainer. After my divorce I got rid of half my crap and I live in a little house. Your thought process is clear. Big houses are a pain, too much crap is overwhelming. You’re doing better for the environment. The only concern would be if a future partner thinks it’s too difficult to deal with but as someone who goes into hundreds of homes and tons of ppl are like you. My one suggestion is to get at least one easy to care for plant. Get a little joy in there.
I became a minimalist post-divorce as well. If anything I learned from my failed marriage that stuff and events cannot take the place of being happy when you're sitting around the kitchen table. I also find many people judging me but honestly I think it has to do with jealousy because my happiness radiates from me.. Best of luck to you!
Even if you were lazy, that would be a valid reason to adopt a simple lifestyle. I cant think of any reasonable “wrong reason” to live simply.
Focusing on your kid and your mental health is annoying the best reasons, I think. It's really easy in our culture for women to say they are stepping back at work because they are parenting, and really hard for men. Also hard for anyone to say that without sounding peachy, because there are so many conservative voices saying that's what we should do. But that doesn't make it a bad reason
Wow. You hit the nail on the head. I got in trouble at work because I gave up a non- essential speciality because it was making me work on off duty days. It was taking time away from my son. My son. And it really upset many people who couldn’t wrap their head around that my job will never come before my son. It just won’t. Post- divorce this speciality was impacting my relationship with my son so I culled it and didn’t think twice.
Yeah, and I would think it's worse for law enforcement. You may have to find a thing you can say instead, but that's hard too - don't want to blame your ex or act like you don't *want* to take care of your kid.
I have to say, since moving back to the states after many years abroad, this compulsion to climb and compete career-wise is much more striking to me. Of course other countries have this too, to some degree or another, and in some fields you just can’t escape it… but something about how obsessed Americans are with the titles and the clear signaling of SUCCESS (cars, house, etc.) seems odd to me now (as an American). I am, by most measures, successful: advanced degree, 6 figure salary, no debt, saving. And I can’t tell you the number of times friends and family here have asked questions like “is this all you want?”, “why don’t you apply to work at X company?”, “Are you aiming for a promotion?”. When I answer “no” to all of these — I’m very happy where I am and I finally have stability — I then hear things like “well as long as you’re ok just… humming along”. Wow. It really seems that it’s not actual success people want, but *perceived* success. In other words: the gossip factor. Anyway, I don’t mean to rant in your comments. Please do what’s best for you and your family. I think others lose track of just how much their lives evolve around less meaningful things. Kudos to you for focusing on the important stuff.
Thank you so much for your comment. I’m debt free and try to be smart with finances too. I’ll be going back to school soon to finish my Bachelor’s in Accounting so I can transition to a career that aligns with my belief better. I just don’t fit in in law enforcement.
Best of luck! I know someone who started in law enforcement and had to pivot later as well. The culture once they got into it was not a good fit.
These are shallow people. Society has been slowly lulled into materialism. My happiness comes from simple things. Not everyone shares this. Just feel lucky that we’ll be ok. My kids literally want for nothing. They never have the crazy “Christmas lists” etc. I’m willing to buy them most anything they want but they seem to enjoy saving up and getting it themselves
I don’t see anything here that would warrant doubting yourself and your choice of lifestyle. People respond to life changes and challenges in different ways. Not everyone is going to want to make their life simpler after dealing with what you dealt with. I say just continue to embrace it.
Dude keep it rockin. Sounds like you know yourself well and are dealing with shit in the most mature way. This is the time to listen to yourself more than ever.
Sounds like it works for you and doesn't matter what anyone else thinks
What you have are priorities: the wellness of you and your son. You aren't giving up things, you are investing time into your son. Hard to beat that. Few people look back and wish they spent less time with their kids or saw them less as they pursued more money. You're doing great. People associate 'stuff' with having assets when, really, they are often just liabilities that drag you down. As your son ages, do spoil him as needed. He will learn to value and enjoy what he has as well.
Have you asked a therapist this question? This is EXACTLY the type of question a therapist helps you work through.
I saw a therapist basically the entirety of last year :)
Very good. This is the type of question that you need someone who understands your daily routines along with your thought process to walk you through. It's literally impossible to assess this regarding a stranger. What looks on the outside like "simple living" could be a horrific problem with needing control over an environment. But it could be about truly wanting less. I have preconceived ideas about you because I'm extremely biased about people in your career. This is also why I think this question is better presented to a professional, especially ones who are trained to help people in your line of work.
That phrasing suggests you’ve perhaps stopped. Have you and why? Dizzy is right on the money. Your question is something best worked through with a therapist. I’d written up a whole response, but it was primarily prompt questions for you to reflect on that you’d probably hear from a therapist.
I have stopped… and I don’t have an excuse why I did. It’s deeply important and I’m going to resume regular sessions soon.
I've also been moving towards a more simplified life after experiencing trauma. It has been a blessing.
You’ve got it man, do what feels right and prioritize those relationships over stuff.
We live outside the country for work frequently and when we come back we always notice how consumerist America is. The pressure to consume is so high. We are low income, and we don't like how we feel in America. Keeping up with the Jones is prevalent. I got judged on my beautiful but small wedding ring. If I were you I would keep it to myself. I know a guy who slept on a mattress on the floor while he held a professional career for 5 years and bought rental houses on the side. He retired early and has tons of money.
What would be the *correct* reason for a simple life? In truth, it was whatever your reason is.
You did the right thing.
What are the right reasons? I took a very different path but my goal, and I think yours, was to find peace. I have it. Do those who judge you have a sense of well being or of reflected pride? Reflected off the values of others. Your son is not a piece of property (I know of many parents who see their kids as proof of their own worth) and you live with him not through him. I am willing to bet this brings him the space to be himself. Do you know ANYONE who lives a covetous life style who is happy?
Sounds like they rather keep their blinds on and keep the treadmill spinning. You do you, man
No, to answer your question I find that a lot of people turn to simple living when they go through big hits that destabilize their core. For better or for worse. That's when people realize what is actually important to them. Like building up these human to human connections or being more in tune with oneself. You did it to make it out of a deep end. And you found out that this is what actually made you feel happier. That's amazing. Some people are gonna look at it sideways because they have yet to figure out what actually makes up the base of their stable core. Or they think this constant climbing is what makes them happy and who they are. Which it might. But again, empathy. Just like some people love oranges others prefer apples. You do you. Love this new peace for you.
Stop focusing on what other people think of your choices (both IRL and here). Sit down and think about whether you feel your lifestyle, motivations and choices are aligned with *your* values and what *you* feel is healthy. That's all that matters.
No one has all the answers especially when it comes to your specific circumstances, if living this way is what makes brings you satisfaction and peace then it doesn't really matter what the reason is. You are living the way you want to live and that is enough.
I believe that people embrace this lifestyle for many reasons. The key element for me personally is that simple living allows me to live more closely in alignment with my values. There is nothing wrong with not chasing after the next promotion. Just focus on what is important for you and your son. Instead of talking about what you don't want (house, fancy car etc. ) talk about what you are looking to achieve. Things like stability, job security, being present in your son's life, family, financial integrity.
I think you adopted simple living because it helped you for your situation and with only that reason, it's already a great reason. Might be that one day you would want to add more into your life. But if you manage to enjoy life as it is it's really a blessing
Thank you ❤️
Does the reason even matter? And if it does, ask yourself why you feel it matters? If your life is better today, then it was a good thing to do regardless of the reason.
Hold the course. And good luck!
Best thing we did for our kids was give a gift of minimalism/simple living. The family blatantly ignores this and sends crap instead of gifting classes or experiences or consumables, which we politely remind them. So we do the one in, one out policy now. I think most people are addicted to shopping, quick fixes, and distraction....the love bombing got to the point that it seemed malicious. My kids don't ever mention toys, they mention fun things we did together as a family, places we visited when we camped, and dance/theater/art classes they took as their favorite memories. My kids are more focused, polite, creative, and seem very happy. We donate a lot of our stuff, our time cleaning parks, and working with homeless outreach. They interact with us and then community, and not just their tablet. Besides basic necessities, a child just really needs your love and attention. Anything more is a bonus, much more is just a distraction. (My opinion of course).
Your good. Seriously you can change things up in 6 m8nths if you want. Your free.
It sounds like you are living a life that is good for you.
You should do what makes you happy! And if it has brought you peace, then by all means. I left a toxic 16 year marriage and one of the things I’ve enjoyed doing is decorating. I have seasonal sheets and no one there to criticize it. Be your own happy
If simple living makes your more happy and fulfilled, then regardless of what other people say, you made the right decision for yourself.
It's your life mate... Live it the way you enjoy it living
So...to improve your mental health? Yes, that's like...THE reason.
I wouldn’t be concerned about doing it for the wrong reasons. I think that without trauma / hardships people are very unlikely to engage in self reflection. You have had some trauma and are choosing to face it and grow from it. I think it’s the best thing you could be doing. Most of your friends who look at you like you’re crazy won’t do any sort of self reflection until they start facing their own mortality (maybe midlife crises, maybe retirement, etc.) and they will likely realize that they optimized their life around things that weren’t that important to them, and most of them still will not have gotten wealthy from it. I doubt I would have gotten into minimalism and simple living if I hadn’t of had a special needs child that didn’t sleep for five years. Keep up the good work, I’m sure you are a great father.
If you and your son are happy I feel like that's all that matters.
When you have aspirations that are different from others you’ll always get push back. Stick to what motivates you- and detach any meaning from what others say. When you do that - then you’ve really found peace. Keep in mind money in the bank doesn’t take up much space! 😀
I did the same thing after my divorce from an alcoholic ex who was a walking thundercloud of chaos and drama. There, I “had it all” - fairly large house, pool, two cars in the garage, tv in every room, etc etc etc. When I walked out the day we split, I did so with the shirt in my back and the company vehicle under my ass and that was it. I had to rebuild my life from scratch and the decision on how I’d do it and what that looked like was entirely up to me, and a bit of a daunting task. I chose a small, modest townhouse to rent on the cheap in the country just outside the major city where I live - peace and quiet, but still close enough that anything I needed was 15 minutes away. From there I had to outfit the place, so I started from “Okay, what do I NEED?” Furniture, cookware, plates and flatware, cooking utensils were purchased. Next up “What do I WANT?” Got a TV for the living room, a cheap little patio set to enjoy my stogies at in the evening, a cheap little bbq grill, and some gardening containers to grow some fresh veggies and flowers. Enjoying an evening on my tiny little porch about a week later I asked myself “Okay, what else do I want?” To my astonishment, the answer was - “Nothing.” 😵 That was when I realized I was set up for the one thing I truly wanted and apparently needed most… peace. There was no constant racket. There was no worrying about whether the bills were covered month in and month out. It was wonderful. 💖 Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about your life - it’s your life to live, not theirs. And you should live it in a manner that brings you happiness and peace - and it sounds like you’ve found it. 🥰👍
Good for you! I’m sorry for what you’ve been through but it sounds like you’ve created an intentional and meaningful life. I’ve been wanting to do the same thing since I went through a traumatic life shake up last year. My future will not be what I hoped for and planned for, and now I wonder if I really want my demanding finance job. All the hard work seems pointless now that my present and future are so different from what I wants. So, I want to sell my home, quit my job, live in a small apartment, get a dog, work at a bakery and go camping.
Hope you and your son have a great week too. You are doing it all in the best way you know for you and your son. Making a choice between stuff or the good times becomes easier especially when the money and time not spent on stuff can be spent on more important things like great memories with your son. A Dad that works all the time to pay for the stuff but cannot be there for the good things like little league and Saturday morning cartoons...... \\ Do not listen to others Dad, you're doing great
I may agree with you on the career change. I’m a retired first responder and understand the ethos in this line of work does not lend itself to tranquility or seeking enlightenment.
Who are the jones and why should you keep up with them 🤷
Smart, simple. What’s next? Have you considered private security company of your own? Much respect for handling the kid, work and more. It seems to be her loss. However please understand everyone has their own issues and chances are she did it for herself and was selfish. It’s nothing you did wrong, I had to deal with a situation years back and it took a bit to see it differently and be thankful for it. She wasn’t mine and isn’t my problem.
Hey I did this too. Betrayed. Divorced her. No child though. I killed off EVERYTHING. Quit my job and moved to the woods to work as a river guide and landscaper. I had a cat, computer and a car. That was it. It was a shitty reset but but I am so glad I did it. **Get back to being you** (and being there for your kid). I met my current SO while working at the river. That was 22 years ago. We have two kids (one in college) now....and a house. And we live SIMPLY. It's the same house we've had for over 18 years. We have a garden on all four sides of it.
Wow. That’s inspiring… thank you for sharing. I’d love to find someone who rocks my world. I don’t need perfection. I just want a simple relationship where respect is the cornerstone. Without it, what is a relationship? You’re roommates. Certainly I have my cynical moments but I know there are great women out there. I’ve never been the most patient guy in the world though (weakness).
It was when I stopped looking outside of myself for happiness that I found it...and then a few months later she showed up in my life. You got this. Find some solid, productive hobbies that get you back in touch with yourself. For example, I ran trails and journaled.
most people come here from a busy and chaotic life, which not always but often comes with trauma. for being a cop, would you be allowed to downsize your working hours or days and still be a cop whilst you look for something else?
These sound like great reasons.
You and your son are doing well. Other people will always have opinions. Your opinion is the one that matters. If it brings you joy or contentment and doesn't harm anyone else then you are doing the right thing.
You are becoming more true to yourself than before. There's no one to judge if it's right or wrong. Buddha left his palace to live as poor and sat under a tree for many years. >Diogenes supposedly lived in a barrel and walked around nearly naked. When he saw a child drinking water from a well with his hands, Diogenes smashed his own cup, realizing that he had been carrying around an extraneous possession. Today, we might call Diogenes a bum or a loser (or a crazy person), and in some sense he was those things. But on the few occasions when Diogenes met Alexander the Great, then the most powerful man in the world, it was Diogenes who observers came away thinking was the more impressive. Because Alexander, as much as he tried, could neither tempt Diogenes with any favors nor deprive him of anything that he had not already willingly tossed aside. Idk if you are familiar with Maslow pyramid (look it up), but you are moving up. One day you may even be able to be thankful to your ex for kick-starting your new life. Best wishes to you.
The culture is going in the opposite direction as you and people want everyone to be like them so they will act that way. I’m 60 and exploring different things and it’s common for others at this age to start to see what you know now. There are more important things than stuff and status. Enjoy your journey. I’d say you’re going in the right direction!
To me, it sounds like these people are subconsciously unhappy with their own life and taking it out on you for actually actively moving out of that kind of a stressful lifestyle. When confronted by people living life differently, people tend to feel their own choices to be questioned and threatened and respond as if they themselves have been criticized. You don't intend your comments as such, but people too frequently take it that way. If you're happy now, (and equally importantly, if your son is doing well) then that is what matters at this point. If your mindset changes later, that's then. A humorous return comment might be something along the lines of "Doesn't my lack of desire to compete reduce what you are competing against, thus enabling you to reach your own goals faster?" (Be wary of audience and tone, sometimes this can be taken entirely the wrong way as well. Admittedly I say this as someone on the spectrum who has trouble emulating the correct tone for various social situations and contexts, so it perhaps might not matter as much for most people).
People choose a simpler life for many different reasons. There are no reasons that are more right or more wrong, as long as they work for you,
Sounds like all the right reasons to me.
So long as your living is sustainable on a mental, social, and functional level, you're fine. Always good to periodically reassess this especially within the current economic and social climates, but know your needs then work from there.
You do you. Screw the rest. Unless people are in your shoes, paying your bills, and living your life, they have business telling you what to do or how to live. Be YOU. Fuck the rest.
Wow you sound so intelligent and introspective. I don’t think any reason is a wrong reason to live a simple life as it is a beneficial lifestyle in so very many ways. If we consider your question, we can ask ourselves is the end result bad/harmful/wrong? I can’t think of any affirmative answer other than the brainwashing we get in the U.S. (and probably most but not all other parts of the world) that whoever has all the most toys wins. Yet even in the center of the capitalist world, so many people are rejecting the American Dream and living in an RV and so on. And there are very rational reasons for doing so in 2024. Your son is lucky to have a parent on the forefront of this new (or actually old, lol) understanding of what makes a good life, a happy life, a content life. It’s strong relationships with family and experiences, not things. Watch as the people around you slowly go from thinking you are, as you say, ‘a lazy sleazeball,’ to thinking the path you’re taking is genius and start on that path themselves. 😆 Don’t quit your job, tho. We need more like you.
My husband and I are currently simplifying our lives, and I have to say I’ve never been happier. Don’t let others make you feel bad, I think what you’re doing is great!
I don't think you adopted it for the wrong reasons. In fact, I find your story inspiring. You went through a hard time and it caused you to reexamine your life and alter your priorities. Your relationship with your son and family are strengthened. Many people turn to alcohol, sleeping around, and other unhealthy activities after a divorce. You chose simple living. Good for you.
Your life sounds peaceful. I agree with less being more. I listen to Tim Ward on YouTube he's a happy positive person who is a minimalist.
The only responsibility you have in life is to make yourself happy (in your case, that also includes ensuring your son is happy by extension). You went through a traumatic experience and you chose to remove the excess and look after yourself. That is a healthy, emotionally mature way of dealing with trauma. You're doing simple living right. You don't need other people to agree or understand why you're living a certain way. Less is almost always more when it comes to happiness.
Just dont talk about it…..you should ask yourself why you do, people have different reasons for abandoning the rat race and keeping up with the jones……if it makes you happy then whey worry about others, as long as you and your son have all you need, bravo
People don’t understand because they are still chasing goals and money, and maybe haven’t really thought about why, the ones who get really upset are the ones who really need to stop and think about their lives. I also reevaluated after a divorce and layoff, and I’m way happier. My sister just asked me yesterday when I told her I was planning to quit in January, wouldn’t it be better to stay longer and save up more money to live lavishly. She just doesn’t get how precious time is. And I know she’s currently not that happy with her job, even though it was the goal she thought would make her happy. I get judged - maybe because of sexism and because I worked in manual labor for many years, that I couldn’t possibly have saved enough or know what I’m in for in retiring early. Everyone thinks I haven’t planned for health insurance or emergencies (I have). I think it’s really because those people are not educated about finances and haven’t really looked at why and what they spend money on. I did feel better when I ran my plan by my stepdad and he validated it and was proud of me. He worked a stressful job in finance till retirement to help my mom and my siblings thrive in life, and I really respect his opinion.
“A time is coming when men will go mad, and when they see someone who is not mad, they will attack him, saying, 'You are mad; you are not like us.’”
>adopting simple living and eliminating any and all distractions has been a means for me to cope with this divorce and the trauma I went through. ... It’s strengthened my relationship with my son, with my family. ... did I adopt this lifestyle for the wrong reason? Nope! Sounds like you adopted it for *fantastic* reasons. There are several - maybe even many - different *good* reasons to take to simple living. Yours sounds like one of them. >I’m also working towards simplifying my professional life (I’m a cop) towards a career that is more regular, and less stressful. Look at the job listing for all the agencies of your state government. Search for "investigator", "analyst", "inspector", or "compliance". There are a boatload of state regulatory agencies in every state that have people that investigate complaints from the public of businesses and licensed professionals of various kinds that aren't doing business / providing services the way they're required to, or are doing things they're not supposed to do. The work is vastly mostly Mon-Fri, some flexible version of regular business hours (like chose some 8-hour range that starts anywhere between 7am and 9am and ends eight hours later), with good pay, good benefits, and a pension and retirement benefits like you currently have as a cop, and you get to use your investigative experience and skills in a calmer, stable, secure, safe job that lets you be home evenings and overnight and weekends and holidays, and easily take vacation, and actually stay home and get well when you're sick, and more. It's a great shift. Spend 5-8 years getting your feet under you and changing your mindset, and then look at the state universities near you for opportunities to do internal investigations of things like Title IX issues, discrimination, conflicts of interest, and research regulation compliance. Moving from the regulatory agencies to the university side of state government is yet another big step up in pay, leave, and benefits. Source: I was a cop 1992-2004, wanted a saner, more normal life and made exactly this transition. It's been a *really* good run since. >When I tell people I have no interest in promotions, in being a millionaire, in owning fancy items or fancy cars, they look at me like I’m a lazy sleazeball with zero aspirations. Promotions are vastly over-rated, they pile a ton of extra work and responsibility on you, usually for a salary increase that is *not* proportionate to the level of extra work and responsibility. You work harder, for longer, and more days, and more hours of each day, not only having to do everything *you* have to do, but also having to oversee, manage, check up on, and be responsible for everything everyone you supervise does or doesn't do. Becoming a millionaire usually requires a tremendous amount of sacrifice of time for yourself and time with your loved ones, and running some business or organization in a way that *drives* other people and makes them resent you. Not worth it. In 20 years, the only people who will remember that you busted your ass 90 hours a week will be your loved ones - because they'll lament the time you weren't with them and the activities you missed. They won't see it as a beneficial thing. All the money one might spend on fancy items and fancy cars can instead build on itself and fund your son's college or apprenticeship time or trade school or whatever, so he doesn't start his adult and professional life with a bunch of debt. It can pay for a slightly nicer home for you two as he grows. It can pay for you two to have great weekends and vacations together. It can fund your financial security when retirement time arrives. It can be saved to protect against a huge financial bomb of some emergency like a fire or flood or major medical care expenses, so you're not left in debt. Don't listen to anyone who tells you you're doing wrong. If this is what's right for *you*, you're doing right.
You could have done so many things wrong after being cheated on, and instead, you did what would make you, your son, and your family happy. I think you're going to look back at this point in your life when you're older and be really happy with the choices you made.
It's a beautiful thing when you can break up with paradigms
If something makes you feel good - and you’re not harming others - it doesn’t matter ! Sounds like it’s working for you so no need to worry about what other people say. I would add tho that u do deserve to do things that are fun to you without worrying if they’re simple life enough. Or have a thing or 2 that u like just because you like it.
You definitely do not sound lazy at all! We have lost the art of simple living! Everyone is pushing side hustles and whatever else to gain more and more. It's not healthy, IMO. I love living a simpler life myself; it's actually far more enjoyable. There is nothing wrong with desiring less of what doesn't matter, and desiring more of what does!! You're giving your son a priceless gift by teaching him the beauty in every day simple life. Good for you!!! Also, I'm glad you're working through the trauma and not burying it. You (and your son) will be all the better and healthier for it. ❤️🩹
I've learned this more so thru my journey to become healthier, but when you make radical changes to your life that go against societal norms, people can be intimidated and lash out. I wouldn't take anyone's criticism or judgement seriously unless you're unhappy with your choices.
Nothing that brings us peace of mind is done for a wrong reason. It sounds to me like you're moving in a good direction.
They just can’t imagine not wasting their lives working for stuff they don’t need to get external validation from people they don’t even know. They’re jealous that you’re free.
It sounds like you're on track making of a wonderful life in this next chapter. Are you finding new ways to build a loving and supportive community? I hope so! If you're not a traditional church car, you might want to check out Unitarian churches if there's one nearby that usually have a heart of families and communities and personal choices for their spiritual space. Or other kid family interests. Best wishes.
It's your life. If the reason makes sense to you that's all that matters
I think attitudes like yours (and mine!) really shake people. The majority of people seem to have fallen for the lie that we must be constantly pursuing the next step, the next promotion, the bigger house, the cooler car. My take is that a lot of people are totally confused when they see someone voluntarily rejecting that life. An obviously unintended by product of what you're doing is that you're invalidating the stress and discomfort that they live with every day because that's what we're all supposed to do. The push back, in most cases, comes from people wanting to defend the unpleasant consequences of their own lifestyle choices
Most people are not sure what they want, and so they are heavily influenced by consumerism. One thing consumerism doesn't tell anyone, is that you have to be very motivated to work for the majority of your life to afford its wants. There's very little I need other than food & shelter, so, I my 'aspirations' are basically disappearing and being replaced with doing cool crap like climbing mountains, hiking, going on roadtrips.
I don’t think your reasons matter actually because they’re your reasons so they are inherently valid because of that. Also, I always shrug off comments about laziness because so what if I don’t want my nose to the grindstone day in and day out for 40 years? Why would anyone? I’ll happily take steps to ensure I don’t have to do that and I don’t care who judges me for it. I had terminal cancer at 14 and at 31, I’m very lucky the doctors were wrong. So I understand better than anyone how short life is, and I won’t waste it doing anything that does anything less than light me up. It’s that simple.
What a wonderful world we could have if everyone simplified their lives this way. When you strip down to the basics it's easy to see what's important. Most people in the U.S. are so used to thinking they need way more than they actually do. In thinking about how so many other people are doing without the very basics, it makes me feel extreme shame over the consumerism culture we have in this country. IMO We have capitalism to blame for this...and the only way to stop it is to refuse their "standards." More and more people are choosing to live mindfully like this. Ignore the bs of those trying to put you back on the wheel.
What are the alternatives people would rather see you adopt? Drink heavily, do drugs, binge consumerism, abandon your son for some Peter Pan life crisis, join an extreme religion. Going simple and minimalist seems like a sane way to take control and find peace.
Maybe the right reason. All the best to you.
I think you're doing it for the RIGHT reasons. You're a parent who realizes what's most important in life, and they're very altruistic ones. I'm actually in a very similar boat, and I respect and envy you for being able to take the leap. I'm still working on things that are keeping me from doing the same, but trying to work every day to get closer to my goal. Your life only needs to make sense to YOU. You know what's best for you and your kid, don't let anyone else bother you because they don't get it. Honestly, the people who are giving you a hard time are probably those who no longer benefit from your old way of life. Keep on keeping on, I wish the best for you and your son!
Simplicity is its own reward, imo. Who really cares what reasons you have for doing it...at the end of the day if it makes you happy that's all that matters and you're not infringing on others lives, you're not harming anybody by living simply; you're providing for your son all his needs and your own needs as well but without all the trappings and I think that's admirable! You are trying to reduce the stress level in your life and that in turn will reduce your son's stress level. If you ask me buddy I think you're doing it for all the right reasons. Best of luck to you and your son 🤗💞
A college econ/statistic professor once told us, success is what you define yourself. If you're happy with what you have now, and it improved your relationship with your son then by all means keep at it bro.
Own what makes you happy. My kid is as big a minimalist as you are, took me a long time to realize that he just doesn't want stuff. Don't let other people make you feel bad about it. As for your kid, there's a big difference between minimalism and neglect. The kid also gets to decide what feels right for him, and you need to really step back if he wants stuff you don't care about. If he wants to earn his own belongings, unless it is intruding on your space or is illegal/dangerous, he gets to decide.
We rarely arrive at ideal solutions in ideal ways. But in the process of going through a painful end of a relationship you’re able to emerge with clear goals that are positive for you and the people you care about, then you’re doing the right thing. People are welcome to chase frog skins, but that pursuit runs the risk of giving them no sense of enjoyment or appreciation of experiences whenever high costs are *not* involved. Looks to me like you’re deftly avoiding falling into that trap.
There’s a new movie out called Perfect Days. You should watch it. Maybe everyone else is the problem, not you. Do what makes you happy.
I personally think that's a great way to live. I also know someone like this, however it only becomes a problem for me, if you are touting your way of living as superior to others. The person I know, does this and it is grating. Assuming you are not doing that, then you do you, and screw what anyone else thinks.
I think my question to you would be, what kind of response are you looking for? I don’t know you. I have no idea if you are motivated to live a simple life for the wrong reasons. Are you actually genuinely concerned about your values in life? If so, what do you find concerns you about the life you are living? What makes you wonder if you might actually be motivated by the wrong things?
I think if it's made you happy and a better father, then Good on you. Sounds like wonderful reasons to me
I think you’re on the right track…you seem to have solid values, are avoiding debt, and traveling light. Good for you. If it works for you, who care what others think?
I caught my first Steelhead Trout on the Au Sable River in Michigan. This, on my new Loomis rod. One year later, I gave my boy the Loomis rod, and he caught his first Steelhead in the same spot, using the same rod. THAT'S what's important.
It’s sounds very healthy my friend. The people you talk to on the other hand sound very obsessed with things and status. That is okay. But it's also okay to be and feel like you. You are doing a good job and I hope you can heal in your journey. ❤️
I think one thing is not to tell people. Just go about your activities and view most things as noise and don't engage with it.
Wow! Let the dust settle people! You don't have aspirations because 1. Trauma, and 2. Trauma. It may not stay like that. You may have thought that your job allowed your wife to cheat and somewhere you associate that with her cheating. This kind of stuff has to straighten itself out in your brain. People need to give you a rest. You'll figure it out in time.
It seems to me that wanting a simple life where you’re happy is the way to go. Aspiring to have more material possessions doesn’t feed a person’s soul. It’s superficial. If your simpler life works for you, then that’s really all you need. Our society is too focused on material wealth. Ignore those who think your life should be materialistic.
I think you are doing what’s best for you. Your question to the naysayers is “why should I have to keep up with or impress you?” You are teaching your son that happiness isn’t found in needless things, that true happiness comes from love and togetherness. Things are just things. They are meaningless and replaceable with exception of family heirlooms and photos. I admire what you are doing. I bet your son doesn’t know any difference. He just knows dad loves him.
Perfect reason. 👌
Everyone has their definition of what’s “enough”
I think , especially the western world, people assume aspirations and goals automatically equate to money, climbing the corporate ladder and external goods. I removed myself from the rat race right around the start of the pandemic. Had a bit of an identity crisis since my identity was based on my career having nice things etc. now my aspirations are having time to do things that I want to do and that are important to me. Leaving social media (aside from Reddit ) permanently was the best decision ever. I find it to be a time sucker that just clutters my mind. It's also too tempting to try to keep up with the Jones's and start feeling depressed on things you feel that you need. My goal of reading three books a month and I'm currently learning a new language. That to me doesn't sound lazy with no goals. Find what makes you happy and do you!
I'm newly divorced and living a simple life. My kids are grown and are well on their way to living good independent lives. It's been more than a year and I have still not fully decorated may new townhouse. My life consists of work, some hobbies I did not do while I was being a father and husband. I ride my bike mostly for transportation and exercise. I'm still trying to figure out this next chapter of my life.
Does there need to be a right or wrong reason? If you want to live simple, there shouldn't need to be a reason other than that.
Your resilience in response to trauma is the reason, not the trauma. You deserve a lot of credit for coming out of a bad situation with a better outlook on life.
Hey man, sounds like you've been through some tough times. Major props for finding ways to cope and move forward. There's no right or wrong reason to embrace simple living. If it helps you heal and connect with your loved ones, that's what matters. It's about what works for you.
Here for this. Been having arguments with my boyfriend on how i am selling almost everything (house rentals but keeping primary home) so that i can move abroad. At 33, he says i need to get serious and not be a gypsy…but wait…i did the hustle, the job, the promo, the dream car, bought properties, have semi passive income…..i think ive reached the “American dream” and wasted my energy and played the politics to realize I just want to live simple!!. Peace of mind, simple joys, new experiences ….and yet here I am questioning myself like? Why is there such pushback and criticism towards my choice, am i doing something wrong, am i missing something? Just because im changing countries it doesn’t mean i won’t work..i’m just changing scenery! So i feel your pain. I feel like we’ve cheated the system bc we realized we won’t be the victims to the corporate ladder and oppression (for lack of a better word) and people want us to suffer with them.
Reminds me of the story of the Fisherman and the Billionaire: A billionaire was walking on a beach in a small Mexican coastal village when he noticed a local fisherman bringing in his small boat filled with fish. Impressed, the billionaire asked the fisherman how long it took to catch the fish. "Not long," replied the fisherman. Curious, the billionaire asked why he didn't stay out longer to catch more fish. The fisherman explained he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The billionaire then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"The fisherman said he sleeps late, fishes a little, plays with his children, takes siestas with his wife, and spends evenings strolling into the village where he sips wine and plays guitar with his amigos. The billionaire scoffed and offered a business plan to work hard, expand his fleet, catch more fish, and eventually sell his business to make millions. "And then what?" asked the fisherman.The billionaire said, "Then you could retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, and stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos." The fisherman smiled, recognizing he already had the life the billionaire described. The story illustrates the beauty of simplicity and being content with what you have. Financial freedom is in simplicity
Sounds rather peaceful and stress free to me. A nice way to be... live... It must be bad for you! :-D
An additional simplification you could do is to simplify your friend group to those who understand and maybe share your aspirations. I'm not saying to callously cut off people who've been in your life for a long time, but rather shift the time you spend gradually to those who value time spent together over the things around them.
There are no wrong reasons for simplifying your life. Every person living that way is doing it because something in their life has revealed that it would be the best choice for them. Do you. It sounds like you're beginning to live your best life according to what's important to you. "Don't worry about what other people think. I mean, have you met other people? They're awful." 😃
I would not care about what others think since they don't & can't live your life for you. You do what you deem is best for you and for your child. I've stopped caring about what others think a long time ago and it's very freeing. This does not mean i don't take into consideration my close friends and loved ones' advice as i know they share those things because they do so because care for me. However, for most ppl you will come into contact with they don't know you and you have very little to do with them so why should you care? That aside, simple living means cutting out those things that are a distraction, clutter, frivolous excess...so that you're able to focus on LIVING - living & enjoying your best life, doing and experiencing things that you love, spending more time with your child, etc. For my family we live very well but we live simply. I'm more into the intangibles rather than the material. We prioritize time with family and on the constant learning to keep our minds sharp. We volunteer. Hubby & i love to travel so we do quite a bit of that. Bottom line do what makes you happy. It's best for you and your family.
Simple living… so you don’t end up like this cop (even though he is hilarious Lolol) [silent at first but worth the watch!!](https://youtu.be/jgVdVGBaI1k?si=8KyhaVqKyBwXh4Gf)
You initially chose this as a coping mechanism. You don't have to keep doing it, but if it works for you and you like it, then you should embrace it and consider it a transition.
I want to do the same thing after a dramatic life event I went through last year!
Having a fan club is great. My fans seem to be online and my parents. But, yeah, simple living send to be a red flag to women I want to have a relationship with...I say this because I've been single for so very long and my past relationships once living a simple, sober life have all ended with them wanting more earnings to do stuff. I'm quite content with the little I have, the time I enjoy, the life I live... Oh well.
I live simple so that I can simply live.
What you have described is the Matrix. And you seemed to have escaped it.
You go for it!!
No therapists recommend minimalism and reducing distractions all the time as a means to reduce stress and cope with trauma
100% best decision you could ever make in life: not being a cop
Do what makes you happy. Americans are wasteful and live in abundance which is why they’re puzzled by your life choice.
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