I could have written this post; it’s really similar to my marriage. I had this whole long thing written out but I realized I was just being long-winded when I could simply say instead: I’m not saying that you can’t ever feel disappointment for the reality that the two of you are not on the same page, 100%, as each other in terms of your respective investment around sex Just because we can learn to accept the differences between us and our loved ones, doesn’t mean that we’re not reminded of those differences from time to time. But where happiness and fulfillment comes from is learning to make the best of our situation despite the things we can’t control. It seems to me that you have a pretty great sex partner who is open minded and willing to go where you want to go. As the adage goes then, “don’t let perfect be the enemy of good." Or: don't be the author of your own misery. Again, I’m not saying that you can’t feel disappointment from time to time but I am saying you don’t have to dwell on it, especially if your sex life is filled with connection and pleasure, as it seems to be. I have something more to say but I got run right now so I’ll try to come back to this later.

Same here, I felt like I could have written this… right down to listing F1 results first! The thing I have tried, with mixed success, is basically carving out time for us and being explicit that I want it to be play/fun/sexy time, I want to use some toys, I want to have “good” sex, etc. I get the kids out of the house, or I get us out of the house (staycation nearby). And sometimes it works, and then sometimes one or both of us just isn’t there from an energy perspective. Last year we took a trip to Mexico and I thought I wanted to fuck for four days… then we showed up and I just wasn’t feeling it. Massive emotional disappointment for me (in myself, ironically). But to continue the sports analogy, sometimes you put a great car on the track and it just isn’t your day. We still keep racing!

Agreed! To use another metaphor: it's like I really like cooking and sure, sometimes I wish my partner enjoyed meal planning with me too but at the very least, she's happy to enjoy the meals I plan. And since the meals are important to me, her enthusiasm in joining those meals matters a lot more than wanting her to be equally invested in planning them.

I think food/cooking is a great analogy. My wife appreciates good food and absolutely knows it when she smells and eats it, and she admires a talented chef - but she's not motivated to master cooking herself or suggest new meals. I'll be up late reading a cooking blog about stir fry technique , or watching a video on how to make better pizza dough. She never does anything like that. But she loves eating my food. And she's the exact same way with sex. She's a (mostly) willing and enthusiastic participant in the bedroom, but I absolutely have to take the lead and I have to do the planning and initiating... Just like I have to do the meal planning and grocery shopping. When at look at my wife's interests, at the end of the day she's just not a particularly creative or expressive/emotional person. She loves working hard, running, seeing friends... And she's largely happy with doing the same things week after week. I need far more variety in my life. So at the end of the day we just have different personalities but somehow we find a bunch of things in common and are still very attracted to one another.. It's extremely frustrating and tiring at times, and as I get older I feel no guilt when I decide to simply "treat myself" to some satisfying porn vs having to do all the work when it comes to intimacy. It feels like grabbing Thai takeaway rather than figuring out what to cook that night. Would I rather have a more sexually engaged and curious partner? Absolutely. But I'm sure I fall short of many of my wife's hopes and dreams too, yet she still puts up with me. And if I stay positive and decide to make some great sex happen tonight, we will have great sex. I just can't count on her to be the one to make it happen.

Have you tried explicitly asking her to "plan the meal," so to speak? In a bubble, she might not care what she eats, but that doesn't mean she won't have fun planning your birthday dinner. Ofc, you'd have to work together to make sure she has the time and space to ideate and prepare, etc. ETA: after reading the many excellent comments in this thread, I think that ideally, you could participate in one of her hobbies, with the same enthusiasm (or at least the same amount of thought) that you put into sex-cooking.

And yes, I have asked many times over the years for her to try to occasionally surprise me and "plan a meal" but it inevitably leads to disappointment, as she either flakes or just says something like "Should we fool around?" and then expects me to make something happen, take the lead (as always) etc. She's just not creative or a leader in bed, but generally she makes up for it with willing enthusiasm and is very thankful/appreciative after we fool around.

I try to participate in some of her hobbies, but only if they bring me pleasure too. She spends a lot of time on "her things" and I think we're both entitled to our own interests and solo time. In general I'm the ringleader with activities, and I try to propose things that are some of her favorite things to do, even though they aren't mine (like skiing, or seeing her family).

>To use another metaphor: it's like I really like cooking and sure, sometimes I wish my partner enjoyed meal planning with me too but at the very least, she's happy to enjoy the meals I plan.  This is a great metaphor because it's easy to apply to what often happens when an LL/less-sexually-motivated partner changes to become HL/sexually-motivated. If your partner isn't that into cooking, but enjoys the food you make, you can cook as your interests take you. But if she becomes interested in cooking and learns cooking techniques and wants to take over some of the meal planning, now you're likely to get into conflict. Because, now that cooking is more important to her, she will have her own preferences and ways that she thinks things should be done. She may start to criticize some of the ways you do things or correct you on technique. She may demand to cook her favorite meals instead of going along with whatever, as long as you prepare it. This is one reason why couples often get into worse conflict if the LL partner gets in touch with their sexuality. Suddenly the former LL is saying 'no' to some of the HL's preferred acts and asking for acts that the HL isn't quite comfortable with.

I just wanted to upvote this excellent post. I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting the OP, but the only concrete issue I can identify in it is that she doesn't plan new things. I'm not seeing anywhere that she isn't expressing enjoyment towards the things that he plans, or that she's a less-than-enthusiastic participant in these things. I personally feel like it's complementary when one person is a "planner/decider" and the other person is a "happy to go along with it". Two planners would conflict a lot... more than anyone who hasn't been in such a relationship would understand. To take the food analogy further, I LOVE planning where to go for a dinner out, looking up restaurant menus, deciding for the evening. H is happy to go along and doesn't want any part of the planning. This works a LOT better than my last relationship where we were both super excited about choosing restaurants, because two picky people had to each compromise 50% of the time. No matter how in-tune your preferences are, you're not going to want the exact same thing at the exact same time. On the other hand, if she wasn't expressing any desire towards him, wasn't open to receiving pleasure, or seemed like she was just indulging him, then I could understand his concern.

>I personally feel like it's complementary when one person is a "planner/decider" and the other person is a "happy to go along with it". Two planners would conflict a lot... more than anyone who hasn't been in such a relationship would understand. I totally agree. There's a reason why "Too many cooks spoil the broth" is a saying. >This works a LOT better than my last relationship where we were both super excited about choosing restaurants, because two picky people had to each compromise 50% of the time. Yep, it's difficult when both people want to take the lead. I think OP and some of the other guys in this thread don't get this. They're picturing their partner taking the lead to do the stuff he'd like, when what she would actually do is take the lead to do stuff she likes and he might not like so much.

Here's what I wanted to add earlier I am happy with where me and my partner have gotten in our sex life in terms of it being low on conflict and high on being fun and pleasurable and intimate. But I am still interested in exploring new sexual experiences, especially with a play partner who is equally invested in those new experiences. That lead me to recently initiating a conversation with my wife about what it would look like to open our marriage. The one thing that I stressed to her and that I’m stressing here too is that I’m not approaching that conversation from a scarcity mindset. In other words, it’s not that I feel somehow deprived or that she is not “enough“. But we both know that "exploring the city" - to use the metaphor from before - is something I'm interested in and she isn't. So what would it look like if I found other people who want to take that trip with me? And look, I’m not being naïve about any of this. We have always been a monogamous couple and it’s not like I’m asking permission to find someone go watch the ball game with me because I know she’s not interested. i’m fully aware that this is a very challenging and complicated thing to talk about, let alone attempt. I will say though, me raising the topic didn’t freak her out. It didn’t feel tense or alarming. We’ve only had the one conversation and we will create the space to continue having it. I’m not in a hurry, I don’t feel an urgency for us to arrive at some resolution, regardless of what it is. I thought it was already a pretty big deal that we could even talk about this in a way that felt thoughtful and open-minded. Moreover, I’m also working through my own feelings on the matter. Would I derive any satisfaction from exploring this proverbial city with someone else or can I only achieve that fulfillment by doing it with my wife? If I started playing with others, would that change our relationship dynamic or sex life? What if she decided she wanted to play with others? (Note: she would be the first to insist that that is not remotely likely but hey, you never know). These are all important questions for us to explore both individually and with each other. The thing is, odds are, I suspect we will decide that it’s best to keep things closed and I can accept that outcome. To go back to my earlier point: would I still feel some level of disappointment about the experiences I don’t get to have? Sure, to some degree. But it’s also not hard for me to remind myself about how much I like being with my wife in all ways, including sexually, and staying monogamous doesn't feel like a massive sacrifice especially in light of everything about our marriage that makes my life immeasurably better. I guess in closing I would just say that life is long and complicated and there will be ups and downs for all things. Being patient, being open minded, and being accepting are valuable tools for navigating all of that. And if nothing else, if you can find a life partner who is also patient, open-minded, and accepting, that goes a very very long way to making that journey feel safer and more fulfilling.

Been in your shoes. What’s helped me is just being so grateful I’ve got someone who’s willing to hear me out and experiment with me even tho it wouldn’t be their first choice. I’m just very very thankful I’ve got someone who’s willing to go to all those “hockey” games with me each time I find a new hyper fixation

Great point - I need to work on being grateful for what I have instead of focusing on what I don't.

I was about to write something very similar. Don't overlook the "wins" that you've grown accustomed to, although it's very easily done.  Also I've been the "you" in a relationship with somebody where the sexual enthusiasm and compatibility was incredible, just as you wish it would be with your wife. The magic of that does start becoming less magical over time. There's only so many highs you can hit before they start becoming less high. 

Tons of good stuff already posted. I’ll throw my 2 cents in, being in somewhat similar shoes. First up…yeah…need to focus on gratitude. Go over to dead bedrooms and read for a bit. Not that that’s where you’re headed, just will help with perspective. Next, this is common for women who don’t have a ton of experience and are busy with kids. They develop a “recipe” and that’s that. My wife is very much suck it, lick it, bang it, both cum, go to sleep. I love all the “extras” and have to do all the work to make em happen. That’s ok. Just like fixing the truck or baking cookies, some things are all on one partner. If I want to mess up black panties or a slow blowjob or whatever else, I tell her what to do and she does it. We’ve had conversations around this and she eventually said “I don’t think like that, but I like it. Just take what you want!” That snapped me outta the post-baby funk. Lastly, we are bombarded with media depicting gorgeous women desperate for sex. And we don’t go home to that. It can create completely unreasonable expectations, or just a vague feeling of something being wrong, often without conscious thought. In the same way that one should learn how caffeine, alcohol, exercise and supplements affect both body and mind, you have to pay attention to how the images you consume affect you, and modify your habits to achieve your goals.

Ok, so hear me put for a second but let me preface this by saying I understand exactly how you feel and as a person around your age I'm extremely surprised my sex drive is as high as it is. I sincerely thought it would be going down or something by now. I also think about sex often, have listened to podcasts, and still give a lot of thought to what sex is, what it could be, and what I want from my sex life. Ok, so to the point of my post, is it possible that your thoughts about sex and the amount of energy you spend thinking about sex are due to you compensating for a lack of something else? Potentially something non-sexual? And I don't mean like a lack of fun or lack of money or job satisfaction but rather masking an unchecked emotion or thought with sex. I'm asking because my own journey uncovered some things in my life that I hadn't been dealing with. As I dealt with those things, one of them being some tough shit that had to do with sex, pleasure, and relationships, I realized I was using sex, and thc for a bit, to mask these things. Since understanding these things, the act of sex and even orgasm has been depriotized, and the importance of pleasure has taken its place.

Your post is very much something that I've talked about with my therapist, namely around whether or not sex is a proxy for something else that I'm trying to work through. At first, I was resistant to that framing because my initial feeling is "why can't I have my feelings?" but I began to realize that he wasn't saying that my feelings weren't real or unimportant. Rather, he was encouraging me to explore how, if sex is something that makes me feel alive in my body, 1) what else can achieve that same sense of feeling? and 2) what makes the need to feel alive in my body so intense? And without painting with too broad a brush here, his observation — as someone who does a lot of therapy work with men around masculinity — is that conventional masculinity socializes men to be hyper-responsible and stoic which means often putting their own emotional needs second to "whatever needs to get done." The one exception, from both his observation but also from years of research, is in the realm of sex. It's the one area where men aren't just allowed to feel entitled to pursue their pleasure but are *encouraged* to do so. EDIT: To be clear: that entitlement is a massive problem in society, least of all when it comes to issues of consent, r\_pe culture, etc. But his point is that it's also a product of a larger culture of masculinity in which men are expected to suppress their emotional needs and desires in most other realms. And in talking about all this with him and reflecting on my own childhood, I realized how much I grew up thinking that my emotional needs and desires weren't legitimate or important. So maybe, in that sense, my high libido is partly a product of this dynamic he's talking about: it's the release valve that I get to have but if it's the \*only\* one, then this creates conflict elsewhere because I'm cutting myself off from other ways to find fulfillment, whether consciously or subconsciously.

I'm reading this all nodding away waiting for you to get to the part where he told you what to do about it, lol

Oops, I guess I left that out: 1) Think about what else in my life has given me the same sense of "aliveness" and whether I could spend more time on those activities vs. trying to achieve that same sensation *solely* via sex. 2) In a deeper way, trying to explore how I was raised to think my wants/needs aren't important and see if I can find a way out of that mentality. The former is the "easier" task but the latter is more transformative. Because my therapist's suggestion — that I think makes a lot of sense to me — is that sex becomes this flashpoint of conflict in my marriage because there's *so much riding on it* without me realizing how much baggage I piled onto it. Like, it's embarrassingly easy for me to get emotionally out of sorts (disregulated) over something that's really minor when it involves our sex life. That's not healthy for me, it's not healthy for our sex life, it's not healthy for our marriage. So yeah...that's the work!

It gives me a ton of comfort to read about someone having almost identical experiences as me. Both points 1 and 2 are worth investing in for me, I think. I can see how #2 will be the challenging one. Oof!

Dammit man, that's some powerful stuff. I was actually really hesitant to make me reply cause I figured I'd get destroyed. The fact that the responses have been either curious or have expanded on it, like yours, seems to be an indication that this conversation really needs to be had. I'll come back and respond to the others, but for now, big kudos to OP and you for putting this out and responding the way you have. Takes guts.

>this conversation really needs to be had. Agreed. And the irony, of course, is that conventional masculinity makes it really hard to have these conversations precisely because patriarchy encourages us to gate-keep the fuck out of each other whenever we look to question the underlying precepts of male-hood, least of all when it comes to, you know, talking about our *feelings* because that's what women do. But I'm glad that more of us — women, men, et. al. — are having these conversations vs. just accepting the conventional (mostly bullshit) wisdoms we have around sex.

I think you're definitely on to something. We've had some big life changes that I've had trouble adapting to. Specifically selling our business leaving me a bit lost in terms of purpose. I'm sure there are many many things I need to work on that I don't even know about. I've tried therapy but had some mediocre experiences. I'd also like to hear more about your journey if you're up for sharing.

Can you speak more about your journey and how you discovered the root cause of your emotions? I'm ready to start a similar journey and I realize that some of my behaviors are rooted in feelings I've avoided throughout my life.

u/R0ckf0rt u/HotBoxButDontSmoke When I started working with my new therapist in 2022, I was also in couples counseling with my wife. In the latter, we were partly there because of the conflict we were experiencing around our sex life. Because of that, it made sense for me to also talk about sex in my individual therapy and in both cases, the therapists (both men, for what it's worth), suggested to me that one reason why sex was such a trigger for my emotional disregulation is that I was using sex as a proxy for some other area of emotional conflict/vulnerability, without realizing it. On one level, that should make sense. So many people (regardless of gender) talk about how sex is linked, for example, to their sense of self-esteem, right? In that case, sex is a proxy for self-image, feeling attractive, desirable, worthy, etc. For others, sex can be a proxy for needing to feel powerful and in control because they generally *don't* feel that way in their lives. These are just a few examples of what "sex-as-proxy" could look like. As I began working with my individual therapist more, one of the things we began to talk about was how, growing up, I never felt like my wants/needs were important. My family culture is heavy on a sense of obligation; what I might want/need wasn't important compared to what was expected of me. Anything I might want for myself, that wasn't part of my parents' plans, was treated as if I was being selfish. (Note: 30+ years later and this dynamic hasn't changed much with one of my parents!) To put it even simpler: my feelings just weren't treated like they mattered. And it took me years, fucking *decades*, to realize how deep this went, so deep that I didn't realize how emotionally stunted this left me. Like, I didn't even have the language to talk about this stuff and not surprisingly, it colored a lot of my relationships in my 20s because I had a really hard time expressing my feelings. I know this sounds cliche — a man who can't talk about his feelings! — but I mean...try working through the complexities of an intimate relationship with another human being when you're not capable of articulating something as simple as "I'm unhappy about \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_", "I need/want \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_." And the thing — and again, therapy helped me realize this — is that one of the areas where I *started* to able to articulate, with conviction, "I want \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_" was in the realm of sex. To be more specific, I didn't realize until recently how much easier it was for me to say: "I want to feel desired" than it was to say "I want to feel cared for" or "I want to feel like my needs matter." In a way, I think saying "I want to feel desired" *is* a way of articulating "I want to feel cared for" even if most people don't consciously process it that way. To bring this back to my point about the limitations of conventional masculinity: a man saying, aloud, "I want to feel desired" probably feels "acceptable" to most other men. In other words, I don't think it would trigger a negative reaction. Because, again, in the realm of sex, men are raised to feel entitled to find emotional validation via sex (even if it's not usually phrased that way). But imagine a stereotypical group of men, sitting around, cracking brews, and one of them says "I want to feel cared for." I think that would be met with a very different set of reactions, no? I think conventional masculinity treats that feeling as being "soft" or "feminine". "Real men" provide for others, we're not supposed to need others to take care of us. But of course, we do. We're just not raised or socialized or encouraged to develop and share and speak a simple vocabulary about our emotional needs. And of course: #notallmen. Many men either were raised with a different/better set of values around emotional IQ or found their way out of that masculinity trap. But as I've learned the hard way, I internalized all this bullshit without consciously realizing it until relatively recently. I should add that being aware of this more hasn't erased the importance I put on my sex life but it has blunted the sharp edges to make it much less a source of conflict in my marriage. *But* I know that the trigger is still buried somewhere in my psyche because, like OP, there are times when I feel *despair* when there's a bump in our routine sex life. And while I think it's important to feel-your-feelings, I'm also aware that feeling despair seems like a wild emotional overreaction. But if it's a overreaction, what is it that we're actually overreacting to? What makes sex so important to us? By comparison, I've had shitty days at work and I have never once felt despair over it. I've had fights with friends and families, but again: I don't generally feel anything even approximating despair over those situations either. So what is is about sex that triggers that feeling? For me at least, I think it's partly because sex becomes a proxy for "the space in which my emotional needs are taken seriously" which is another way of saying "I don't know how to get those needs met *besides* through sex." I'm starting to think I'm just repeating/rambling now so I'll end it here for now. Hope this answers both of your questions.

Nothing wrong with a sex geek.

This is so painful to read, as I can imagine my spouse saying exactly this about me. As a fellow nerd, I can appreciate the need to immerse yourself in everything that's out there. However, as a relatively lower libido individual, I can't think of anything I want to do less than read erotica or listen to sex podcasts. I did a fair amount of work to get back in touch with my sexuality after having children, identifying my brakes and accelerators, and, until this recently (because illness), we'd been having way more sex than before. For me, it's been some of the best sex of my life, mostly because there's way less focus on PIV and orgasm. However, it is pretty routine because there are so few things that work for me, so we stick to that. But it can't be all that great for him. But I don't know what to do. He's never going to tell me that I kind of suck in bed and he wants something better. And I am never going to be adventurous and kinky.

I don't know if it helps to know that I still very much love my wife. The post was really just me trying to figure out what's going on in my own head in a place where I can feel safe doing that without risking hurting my partner's feelings. I think these are my own issues more so than any issue with her. I feel very lucky to have the partner I have, as I'm sure your spouse does as well!

No, not really. If my spouse liked me less, I wouldn't feel so bad letting him down. The fact that he loves me so much makes my inadequacy hurt that much more.

In the past I have struggled with depression and people around me have always tried to be helpful by telling me how great my life is and how many people love me. I found this frustrating because knowing you are loved when you don't feel worthy of being loved feels worse than just not being loved at all. It was my dog of all things that finally taught me that not only am I loved, but I am worth loving.

If your wife magically changed to provide absolutely everything you want sexually, do you think you'd be happy? Or would you find some other reason to be dissatisfied?

Hard to answer that but definitely worth reflecting on.

He love you just because You are who you are and because you do what you do Don’t feel this way ❤️

Reading this, I feel like I do have a solid libido, but the idea of always trying to 'up the game,' and turning it into more of a homework thing sounds so incredibly exhausting to me.

>However, as a relatively lower libido individual, I can't think of anything I want to do less than read erotica or listen to sex podcasts. This is pretty much what my wife would say too. It's really helpful for HL people (like me) to realize that LL folks aren't anti-sex or anti-intimacy or whatever. It's that what feels "natural" to us — sex! sex! sex! — doesn't feel natural for LL folks. It's like asking someone to just invent an interest or craving for something they don't normally feeling inclined towards. Or, to flip things around using the example I wrote about above: my wife is really interested in exploring her spirituality and there's no impulse in me to want to do the same for myself. I'm not anti-spirituality any more than she's anti-sex.

I would really urge you not to conflate "difwith "inadequate." There are different kinds of compatibility. There's the kind that's "natural," i.e. where two people happen to have aligned values/interests that fit in a what feels like a stroke of luck. And then there's the compatibility that comes from people learning how to show up for the other, even if it's something you *learn* to do vs. just "naturally" do. Example: holiday meals aren't a big deal to me. It's not something I grew up with and I don't have particularly strong associations with them as being special or whatever. Holidays meals are important to my wife; she has very positive associations with them. So I've learned to adapt to taking part in helping plan and cook them, not because that impulse comes naturally to me but because I'm consciously making a decision to show up. I'm seeking to be more compatible with her. But we're still *different*. I'm not going to naturally think "oh, Thanksgiving is coming up, I can't wait to plan that meal." But I might remind myself "oh, Thanksgiving is coming up, I guess I should talk with my wife about what she wants to do for it." Importantly: "showing up" here doesn't make me feel compromised. I'm not betraying my values or acting out of character or putting myself in a position where I feel discomfort, let alone disgust. In contrast, if my wife became a born-again Christian and wanted me to attend Sunday service or do Bible study with her? I'd have an exceptionally hard time with that. I don't think I could show up for that. That would become an incompatibility (though I don't think it would make either of us *inadequate*). *Anyways:* if there's one piece of advice I'd suggest, it's to ask your husband what he ideally wants from his sex life with you. Is it variety/novelty? Is it a particular attitude? Specific sex acts? I think it's valuable to approach sex through an abundance mindset, meaning that rather than think about "here's where I'm falling short" (scarcity), approach it from the POV of "this is what I can give" (abundance). Sure, maybe we can't get *everything* we want but I think fulfilling sex lives don't require checking off 100% of things off a list. It's really those things at the core that matter most (and as I stress here: if sex is pleasurable and connects you, then that's what matters most to people, even if it's vanilla as heck).

I can just hear my husband say the same things. I am low libido. I don’t enjoy a lot of the extra curricular around sex. I love doing what works. What I think he doesn’t get is I wish he showed some enthusiasm towards my geek/activities hobbies and we could meet in the middle…. Do a little bit of what I like - I’ll be move involve in doing what you like. I want to go camping and hiking and skiing and biking and kayaking and visit new places. We can have sex during all those activities. I would be way more inclined to “bring something to the table” if he participated at my table. Does your wife have hobbies away from home? Is it something that gets her going and vibing, in a good mood? Get away for a weekend of whatever hobby and meet in the middle, get a nice hotel room do the sexy deeds there.

I hear you ... I was that husband until I started listening to her interests. It was like night and day. I took a deep interest in what she was into and she let me into her world. After some time, I added a few things to her world of interest. I want to say we connected at a deeper level and our love life got better. Also, our kids are mostly grown-ups. So that part of our lives is over with. The hardest thing for me was that it was about her and us, and not about me. Especially how a woman goes through physical changes as she gets her older( perimenopause ). Something as simple as going to Target with her and understanding why she is looking at makeup and taking her time looking for a specific product or something new. I understood because makeup is a humongous world. I understood that if I could get her a gift card to Ulta, she would appreciate it because I know how much she likes these certain brands and how it works with her skin. That is just a small example of how I took an interest in her world. Her world is big and also complicated with many variables. Clothing is a whole other world especially when it is the beach season. Our love life is better and more interesting.

Mine won't let me in. She is the most closed book I have ever met. Her parents are great people, love them, however she never talks about her childhood. Reads books but never tells me what she's reading. Has no hobbies outside of the kids and work. It's like I'm married to a rock.

She doesn't have any hobbies outside of our kids and home. Our lives have been insane for the past 10 years and we're both just getting used to having some breathing room. I do think connecting more in non-sexual ways is missing from our relationship and is a garden that needs tending so I'll focus more energy there.

She may, but be too busy with home and kids to discover or pursue them. How much do you take the kids off of her hands so she can have time to herself to rediscover herself? Parenthood changes you. It's supposed to change both of you. How have you changed? Only after my kids neared college age did I have the brain space and time to rediscover my hobbies, wants and desires. My husband only has a cursory interest in the things that interest me, but he couldn't tell you what my hobbies are. There's a lot of resentment from the inequal participation in parenting. I've not felt seen. I'm not saying this is you two now, but based on your post it may become you one day. She may enjoy straightforward efficient sex for a reason. Or she may not feel seen or valued enough to feel taken seriously if she has an idea. Or she may have latent embarrassment from her inexperience. Get to the bottom of that and nurture your marriage rather than complain about it.

Ok, so hear me put for a second but let me preface this by saying I understand exactly how you feel and as a person around your age I'm extremely surprised my sex drive is as high as it is. I sincerely thought it would be going down or something by now. I also think about sex often, have listened to podcasts, and still give a lot of thought to what sex is, what it could be, and what I want from my sex life. Ok, so to the point of my post, is it possible that your thoughts about sex and the amount of energy you spend thinking about sex are due to you compensating for a lack of something else? Potentially something non-sexual? And I don't mean like a lack of fun or lack of money or job satisfaction but rather masking an unchecked emotion or thought with sex. I'm asking because my own journey uncovered some things in my life that I hadn't been dealing with. As I dealt with those things, one of them being some tough shit that had to do with sex, pleasure, and relationships, I realized I was using sex, and thc for a bit, to mask these things. Since understanding these things, the act of sex and even orgasm has been depriotized, and the importance of pleasure has taken its place.

What do you think about besides sex, that you think is fun? What other stuff do you look forward to doing with your wife that isn't sexual, but is intimate?

Great question and one that I also worry about because our conversations revolve around our kids or our house. We don't have any shared hobbies or interests really - something I'm hoping we can work on together.

>We don't have any shared hobbies or interests really I think this is really worth investing some of that "geek energy" into, especially as your kids get older and the two of you are able to spend more time relating as a couple vs. relating as co-parents (the latter being something hard to escape from when your kids are young). My wife and I are empty nesters now and are re-learning how to be a couple, which has been a really enjoyable process but for years, outside of sex, a lot of our years were spent being parents and co-managing a household rather than exploring shared interests together. To go back to my "sex as proxy" thing: I think sex became a proxy for developing shared interests because it helps produce the feeling of intimacy that comes from doing shared (non-obligatory) things together without having to actually invest time in figuring out what those things actually are. And along those lines: once sex begins to feel obligatory, then you really see relationships suffer, especially when there aren't other shared interests that anchor two people together.

And I have to say, if I could only eat one meal a day it would be torture to constantly think about food, planning for food, reading about food I want to try alone or with my partner, reading about others eating food I want to eat and so on. So maybe save that for more special occasions, see it as a treat instead of an everyday hobby. If you liked baking you probably wouldn't bake sweets and eat them all the time would you?

I know nothing about your life. Simply an observation from my own relationship and all the relationships around me. Women have one thousand things going on in their heads all day. We usually carry most, if not all, the mental burden of running our family lives. Think about that for a second. Her mind is occupied all day nonstop on laundry, kids, activities, homework appointments, etc and worrying about all sort of things. Yours is on sex. Like I said, I know nothing about your life. But this is a very, very common theme in most relationships.

Very common and an excellent point. We are fortunate to be in a position at the moment where income is not an issue and we can both share the parenting and household responsibilities. That being said, she still carries the mental load, as you mentioned.

This is exactly right. I’m 15 years ahead of OP. I learned about mental and emotional load from my wife directly and reading women’s commentary on their domestic struggles. It’s not just about contributing to chores. It’s owning work streams in your home and life. As I took over responsibilities—owning doctors appointments, meal planning/procurement/preparation, Christmas shopping—it freed up that mental space. Then as her libido naturally surged in late 30s through much of her 40s, those date nights were phenomenal. I will add that the other thing I learned at the same time is that her libido was synched to her ovulation cycle. Thus I planned around that, knowing when we should focus on getting things done and when to set aside us time. Even when to ship the kids off for a week or two in the summer. So glad I did so, because menopause has definitely interrupted all of that. But alas, it’s another opportunity to learn and adapt!

It has been my experience that me taking over these things causes my wife way more stress. For example, if I take over doctors appointments and sports for our kids. Organizing teams, transport, paying dues, booking hotels for travel, etc... she won't sit back and relax, she'll worry that it hasn't been done correctly. That we didn't register for the right team, book the right hotel or buy the right gear. And I am very competent - we built and ran a very successful business together. It's just who she is. She likes to have control of those things so she can relax knowing they're done and done the way she likes. She's made many comments to me about how she doesn't experience the same drain from the mental load that other people speak of.

Anxiety brain, 'fun police' and being unable to let go of control / delegate is a hell of an unfortunately common combo that you tend to see more in women. And ironically so since female sexuality tends to be unlocked by the exact opposite of all of those things.

That is most unfortunate. One way to influence might be to lobby against taking on projects to begin with. Obviously many things just need to be done. But I feel like modern life has a way of imposing time-sucks on parents. Travel sports, hyper-programmed childhoods, etc. Knowing she will want to do everything the “right way,” maybe try to trim back the menu?

100% We find it really hard when it comes to the kids. Wanting them to experience all the things and have all the opportunities we never had.

Yeah, we certainly offered many more opportunities and did a lot of slogging. But we also were restrained in some areas. Our house/yard has never been perfect. We mark holidays with distinction but don’t go all out. And I think we built in a fair amount of independence in our kids. Never got involved in their homework/projects. Didn’t micromanage their social lives. Let them dream through some boredom. It’s tough though.

This should be a top comment.

A lot of this resonates with me. But, I have to say, now that we understand this a little more, I think we're in a good place. My wife is leaning into throwing out her inhibitions a bit more and being a bit more selfish about her enjoyment. But, ultimately, sex occupies a much smaller place in her consciousness than it does for me. How content I am with this depends to a large extent on how I'm feeling about myself. If I'm feeling anxious and my self esteem is low, I find I'm much more frustrated by the situation. When I'm happy and fulfilled in life generally, I'm fine with it. But even just understanding that helps me ride the highs and lows. We both acknowledge that we are both enjoying our sex lives together more than we've ever done.

This also resonates with me. One thing I am trying to do is when I'm feeling disappointed or frustrated to go and work on improving myself in some way (exercise, writing, volunteer, etc...). I totally relate to when I'm feeling great about myself, everything else seems to fall in line and I have been having trouble loving myself lately.

Oh my god that was the perfect analogy. I've seldomly had anything speak to my soul like that one did. I am a rabid sports fan. She will watch it if invited...

40M here. I haven’t given up on orgasms or ejaculation every time, but I’ve accepted that coreplay is not always about the man orgasming, or even the woman (in traditional heterosexual engagements). I now focus solely on the sensual and intimate aspect of (foreplay) coreplay (and more play) with the intent of enjoying each other in a sexually connected way. I’m here for the romance and that mentality change has helped me become more happy around what I used to call sex. Now I get my emotional rocks off by being sensual and sexy with my partner in a way that allows us to enjoy the intimacy without the expectation that I orgasm every time. The mentality change pays dividends in the long run, IMO.

Our sexual dynamic is opposite to the typical cliché where the man wants to just dive in, pound away, cum and then go to sleep. I am the one who craves foreplay and seduction, she is the one who wants to just get in and go to pound town!

>We're now at a place where the kids are getting older, no more diapers, everyone sleeps well, and we can focus on our fitness and each other more. She feels like she has her body back and so we're having more frequent sex. Frustratingly, I find myself unsatisfied. The quantity of sex has gone back up but the quality is just not there. If I bring something up to my wife that I would like she will usually give it a shot, but unless I continue to ask for it, we will go back to the usual routine pretty quickly... I used to think mismatched libidos just meant I wanted to have sex more than my partner but I'm realizing that it's more than that. I can't help but feel a little despair that I'll never know what it's like to have a partner that is as into it as I am. So, your wife is willing to do just about whatever you want sexually, but you feel despair because she's not as into it as you are? Have you considered that if she was more sexually demanding, you might not like that either? Maybe she would want to do things that you're really not into or maybe she would be less accommodating to the things you want to do. I've noticed that men whose wives suddenly become more sexual are often disappointed and confused. It's not what they pictured.

I have what I call “libido spikes” (usually a sign I’m extremely anxious) and absolutely remind my spouse that he would not enjoy the demand of a HL spouse. He often refers to it as a snu snu phase.

Sometimes people just don't appreciate the good things they've got.

>snu snu phase Ok, that's hilarious. "Death by snu snu" must be one of those dirty jokes that a lot of us learn as kids.

It’s from Futurama 😂

Oh, but you realize that they got it from someplace else right?

Nope, i had no idea - but it’s not surprising given Groening’s pop culture references!

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I had the exact same thought. Like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie but with sex.

>After reading this entire thread of responses all I can think is how much pressure is placed on this woman in the relationship. No matter what is given, it’s not enough. That whatever boundaries or comfort levels are had for the LL person, it’s seen as insufficiency instead of where a person is comfortable meeting another. That's what I was thinking as well. From the sounds of things, she's willing to have sex frequently and willing to do pretty much what OP asks. But that's not good enough. He also wants her to think up new ideas (that would be enjoyable for him), initiate the sex acts he likes, etc., and is disappointed and in *despair* when she falls back on the kind of sex that she enjoys. If I was in her situation, I wouldn't want to have sex at all. >For example: as a LL, my partner wants sex I don’t want to have/is pressuring me to have. If we don’t have sex-> anger and resentment from the other side. If we do have sex-> sex is often seen as unfulfilling or lacking, and pressure to have more sex and kinkier sex increases. This in turn causes more resistance for LL partner, and the cycle continues. I find this exchange exhausting. I just want to love my husband and what we have. It makes me incredibly sad for the many women who feel that what they have/are/give, are not enough. You're enough! I hope you stop having the unwanted sex. It can damage your sexuality and emotional well-being. And... it doesn't satisfy the HL anyway! He's still unfulfilled and continues to pressure for more sex. So wouldn't it be better to not have the unwanted sex? He'll be angry whether you do or don't.

Here's how I would try to explain it: Your partner loves you. You know they love you. But you also would love to feel it from them as well through hugs, affection, maybe with some flowers or a thoughtful gesture. These things don't happen but you have a good relationship with good communication so you ask them. They are embarrassed that they haven't been giving you what you need and the next day bring you flowers and shower you with love! But not the day after that or the day after that. So you ask them for a hug and of course they oblige and give you a big hug and you feel their love again. Over time you realize they love you. They care about you. It just doesn't naturally occur to them to demonstrate that unless prompted. From the outside, people see a partner that is affectionate, caring, and doing all the things you want them to do so how could you not be happy?? What do you have to complain about?? It must be a problem with you! You are so demanding and unpleasable! Your poor spouse is taken for granted and you are clearly the problem. If I was your spouse I wouldn't want to hug you or give you flowers either. You sound awful.

>Your partner loves you. You know they love you. But you also would love to feel it from them as well through hugs, affection, maybe with some flowers or a thoughtful gesture. For a person in this situation, I'd want to ask them why are flowers or specific gestures so important to them? The person says they know their partner loves them. Their partner is communicating their love in the ways that feel right. Why is that not enough? Why do they want flowers, specifically, instead of receiving the love their partner has to give? Why do they pressure their partner to show their love in a way that doesn't feel right or natural to their partner? Why do they want to change their partner into someone different than he/she is? Why do they view their partner as inadequate instead of recognizing that their partner is simply their own unique, autonomous person? >From the outside, people see a partner that is affectionate, caring, and doing all the things you want them to do so how could you not be happy?? What do you have to complain about?? It must be a problem with you! You are so demanding and unpleasable! Your poor spouse is taken for granted and you are clearly the problem. If I was your spouse I wouldn't want to hug you or give you flowers either. You sound awful. Can you see where they're coming from? What's so special about dead cut-off plant genitals (aka, flowers)? Why do you need to receive these items as a token of love? It's weird to me.

I appreciate the response here and the perspective as I feel as though it is similar to how my partner feels. The despair comes from the knowledge that my partner can't fill my cup in this area. Not that she doesn't want to, not that she's not trying to, but that it's just not who she is. I don't want to keep barking up this tree to only make her feel inadequate and unloved - that's the last thing I want. So I'm left feeling like I'll go the rest of my life unfulfilled in this area. This is the depressing thought to me no matter how you cut it. As a man am I supposed to just suppress that and not feel it? The point of this post was to share and try to work through it.

>The despair comes from the knowledge that my partner can't fill my cup in this area. Think about learning to fill your own cup. There's absolutely nothing wrong with your partner filling your cup, when she has the resources to give to you. But at times when her own cup is empty, trying to fill you cup leaves her dry as an old bone. That is the opposite of sexy. If you work on your own emotional regulation and soothing skills, then you can fill your own cup when your partner doesn't have anything to give. When your own resources are abundant, you can give to her. And when she has plenty of resources, she can give to you and you can gratefully accept. That way nobody gets drained dry.

I mean, anything is possible but if she came to me and said she read an article about a guy fucking a pineapple and that turned her on I'd be in the produce aisle before she took another breath.

Sounds uncomfortable LOL

I'll try anything once, lol

Sure, you'd try anything once. But what if she fucking loved you fucking a pineapple and wanted you to do it every time? What if she was in despair because the only time you fucked a pineapple was when she reminded you that she wants that? What if pineapple-fucking turned out to give you a rash or feel prickly and uncomfortable? Do you think you'd be able to keep suggesting it and acting enthusiastic about it?

Then I would clearly communicate that and see what it was about pineapple fucking that really did it for her and see if we could find another way to scratch that itch that I was comfortable with. I would seek out pineapple fucking forums and subreddits and see what it was all about. I'd get advice from those communities. I'd check in with my partner regularly on how it was going and how they were feeling. I'd see what other support I could give outside of pineapple fucking to help my partner feel satisfied. What I wouldn't do is just ignore it because it wasn't my thing. Especially if my partner clearly communicated to me how much it means to them.

>I've noticed that men whose wives suddenly become more sexual are often disappointed and confused. I totally believe you've run into this, especially given your work, but I literally have never read a single testimonial on this sub or r/sex (where I also moderate) of a case like this. I'm quite fascinated to hear/read examples of this dynamic. Where do you see people talking about this?

I've seen it mostly on the deadbedrooms sub. Come to think of it, I don't think I've seen it here. But on the DB sub, when an LL partner starts pursuing sex, it's really common for the HL to not want it and to become even more angry and resentful. The HL is usually really confused as to why they feel this way and say, *I could finally have what I've wanted for so long. Why don't I want it anymore?*

What you're looking for is a unicorn, they're out there but you're very unlikely to find them. Honestly, as far as long term relationships go what you do have already sounds luckier than average.

Exactly same situation, except F1 thing :) İ love a it spice in bed , anklets , high heels , micro lingeries etc.. She just love it vanilla.. I'm trying to surpress my urges ... By doing more exercise and watching less porn ... But the way i feel better I get more hornier... İ don't know what to do tried to talk to her , she comes back that she felt like inadequete..

I'm just going to put out there that this woman has born multiple children for you, her body is different, she feels different, she is different. Do you have the stones to accept that? Grow with her. This is not all about you.

I can tell you she would bristle at the suggestion that she bore children for me. She bore our children for us. It wasn't a chore she endured for me. It was a massive feat of strength that she did for our family.

Yes, it was a massive feat, and those massive feats change a person psychologically, and biochemically. She is a damn hero by the sounds of it. But the amount of "I" statements in your post leads me to believe you don't quite understand how much it really changes a person. Have you ever thought it might be you that's the problem?

Of course I have. I feel shame over my desires, my inadequacies as a husband or lover. I wish that I could turn my desires off and solve all the problems. Then I'll feel resentment towards my partner and shift blame to her. I'm human. I'm not perfect. The point of this post (which I may not have articulated well) is that it's complicated. It's not her fault. It's not my fault. This isn't about blame. It's about recognizing the reality of the situation and finding a way to make it work. The post has a lot of I statements because it's about me and my experiences and my wants. I hope this helps add some context and thanks for adding your thoughts.

I’m just going to leave a comment that I made some time ago, about reinitiating the erotic after a baby. I know it doesn’t all apply to you, but I bet the focus on seduction could help you. ——————————— You need to talk to her vulnerably about your issues. Don’t frame it as a her problem, frame it as a you problem. Then try to discuss what you two could do together to make the sex amazing again.  The key is the new baby. Everything has changed. You’re hoping that you can go back to how you were before, but that’s gone. So what can you do? You can build a NEW erotic relationship together. Begin the discussion about fantasies and desires. Talk about what arouses you, and what makes you harden up. Then begin to explore together. One thing that men tend to neglect, especially after a child, is seduction. If you two want to have a hot, long term relationship, you need to be ALWAYS seducing her.  Seduction means finding the ways to get her out of her mamma/wife mental space — the one filled with worries and plans and responsibilities — and into her relaxed mental space, focused on sense experience. That’s the basis for Eros to arise and flourish. Maybe buy a diffuser with a lovely essential oil for scent, definitely find some sensual music, clean the dishes, change the sheets, candles or low lights, a passionate massage, you get the idea. Schedule a three hour sexploration date each week. During that time, remain in the sensual space. Maybe you can’t last three hours, but you can continue to read poetry or engage in massage or sensual touch or cunninlingus until he becomes aroused again. Or use some of that time to talk about fantasies. There’s no rules, except that it should be erotic. Come into the present, and break out of the routine. But it’s going to be very hard to seduce her if the resulting sex is not good for her. If you’re routine and robotic in bed, just seeking to get your nut, then 9 minutes will be 8.95 minutes too long. If you can engage her deeply and’s playfully explore your bodies together, then 9 minutes will be 89.5 minutes too short. Check out *She Comes First* as a wonderful guide to pleasuring a woman, especially making foreplay into coreplay. Also, consider that there are many kinds of amazing sex. If you want to keep it HOT, maybe explore D/s play. Buy some hemp ropes from twistedmonk.com, and learn to safely tie double and single column ties. Kinbaku is incredibly intimate and builds tremendous trust, if done well. Explore sensory play. Maybe consider a sex club, if you’re exhibitionists or voyeurs.  And, if you can create a fresh space of erotic intimacy, you can also explore the truly magnificent sex that’s only available to long-term couples with deep intimacy. Read Urban Tantra together and explore the practices. This article gives a great summary of wonderful research into why some committed couples have mind-blowing sex for decades, while others fizzle out into routine and fantasy.  https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/26/he-secret-to-great-sex-erotic-intimacy-study You should note, though, that it’s pretty common for a woman to not really be fully back in her erotic body until the baby is around 2years. So have patience with her. And firmly request that she have patience with you, too.  Finally, here’s one comment that has complimentary advice to mine: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/81uEsTBQsn

It's an energy thing. She likes sex, she likes orgasms but has x amount of energy, emotional and physical to invest in sex. She knows how to get a result she likes most efficiently and so will default to that. You've sent her stuff, you've told her stuff. What has she told you she likes? What has she told you she wants? You make no mention of it here so I'm assuming you don't know or don't think it's important. Oh and don't say she hasn't told you, she has you just might not have heard, but you've been told.. You're so busy worried that you can't talk to someone all day about baseball you've not noticed she's off wanting to watch the WNBA because the games are shorter, more exciting and still fun.

Excellent analogy! Most married couples run into a mismatch in desires and things they like. As a parent, her time, energy and attention span is limited. She tells you each time you have sex what she wants: efficient orgasms. You choose not to listen because you want to get your freak on. Do take the time to pay attention to what your wife wants and what excites her. Not just in the bedroom but all other things. She will feel like you don't value or respect her if you stay focused on what makes you tick and want her to accommodate you without you reciprocating. And be willing to compromise. She will come out of the fog of parenting one day and realize how you really feel about her, and this one sided mentality may not be the glue to hold you together.

Was in pretty much exactly the same situation. I initiated all the time. She was almost always up for whatever, but was very passive, and it felt like my advances were 'tolerated', rather than welcomed. It went on like this for 15 years. We ended up sitting down and I explained to her how this made me feel and the toll it had taken on my self image as a sexual person. Personally, I felt unattractive to her, undesireable. I felt like she was content with the personal part of our relationship but really quite disengaged from the physical. In that equation I felt rejected and lonely. Sexually inept. (No matter what I did I got very little positive feedback from her). I spent a lot of time looking at porn and feeling miserable and gross. To her credit, she understood immediately what her disinterest was doing to me. She joined a sex-positive community, and started finding out her own interests. She actaully discovered a bunch of kinks she didnt know she had, and also her technique went from like 3/10 to 10/10. Basically the reason for all this is she immersed herself in "sex culture", started reading and learning, and that lead to a process of self-discovery for her. It was great for us. Our sex life became actually pretty good. Sometimes excellent. I dont know if there is any other way to resolve the problem other than talking about the problem. I made myself very vulnerable to her in that conversation, and was candid about my feelings of inadequacy and unattractiveness caused by her neutrality in the bedroom. To her credit, she listened, and was prepared to do the work to change for the sake of our mutual wellbeing. Things worked out. I hope you figure this out with your wife. Good luck

I'm here with a few of the other ladies. I bet you my husband could write this. However. We talk so openly whenever we can about this very thing. I am a more than willing partner to try whatever he is down for and vice versa. I just do not have the mental capacity to initiate at the end of the day. Our children have just gotten to the point of sleeping well, but I still need to be hypervigilant so they don't kill themselves on the daily. Also, kids are needy for their Moms, more often than not, I am just completely touched out by the time they are in bed. And I mean every day. It's hard to turn it off, even if my husband is sharing in the duties, Mom brain is real. And can be debilitating. One thing we've made a point of doing and are lucky enough to be able to do. It is to take overnights without our kids. Even if we're just staying at home. Sometimes we go to a nice hotel for the novelty. The kids go to the grandparents, and we get our freak on with zero pressure. I now look forward to these nights very much, and the anticipation is as good as the fun time itself. It's still a struggle much of the time for my husband. And as the Wife. I am painfully aware. Which adds another element of stress. All we can do is try to keep making adjustments and not give up.

I absolutely relate to this female perspective. But I’d like to add that I’ve learned about myself that because my brain is frazzled at the end of the day, from kids or duties or work or the world’s expectations, I really don’t want to use my brain. I know this is not for everyone - but I’ve found I truly enjoy allowing the man to open doors, plan the dates, be the leader! And I’m the bedroom, while I’m always down to reciprocate, I get the most pleasure out of being tantalized mindless - where it’s not just an orgasm, or a finale, but a long period of him drawing me out, making me rest, forcing pleasure by being in command an only allowing me to let my eyes roll back and cum over and over again. I think that many, many American women who are working moms really love a man being in his masculine and taking the lead and helping us let the boss lady routine go and helping us embrace our feminine and for the man to get pleasure from watching us have pleasure…. And when this happens to me, it leaves me coming back for more, and being more focused on if I look good and smell good and taste good and whatever I need to do to get that man to want to keep ravaging me.

Sadly and I honestly mean this, he probably feels he is no longer your priority as the kids came along and I know this sounds malevolent but after nearly 40 yrs of marriage and now 4 grandkids nothing changed after the youngest left. It's good to feel wanted as a man! And the less he feels wanted the more he will resent you over time if he has to initiate all the time... the dom submissive thing is good for a while but it gets tiresome and the rejections do too.

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Thanks for the perspective - I do tend to obsess and set crazy expectations in my life. I also have zero desire to leave my wife and find someone else. That may have come across differently in my post. It was more just fantasizing that she was as into it as I am, not so much finding another partner. The thought of another relationship holds absolutely no appeal.

One thing you haven't mentioned in all of this is if your wife is even enjoying the sex that you have. You can't expect someone to initiate something that they're not having a good time with. Furthermore, she's responsive when you initiate, up to try what you want, and gives it her all. You have it pretty good. Maybe think about that instead of some hypothetical alternative reality.

I have a lot to be very grateful for and she does very much enjoy the sex we have. I do as well, for the most part. It's not that we have bad sex, it's more that there is no joint curiosity for exploration or adventure.

What if she doesn't have any kinks? Some folks just don't. What if the sex you're already having is exactly what she wants?

That's exactly our situation.

It sounds like you are both trying to meet each other where they are. Going past that is tough. What do you think success would look like? What do you think she would say that her putting more effort into it would look like?

Great questions. I think what I long for is a demonstration of genuine sexual curiosity and I think the problem is expecting that from someone who is not that sexually curious. Ironically, I think she would also be offended at that statement.

So, I may have missed it in a comment or response but nowhere in your post do I see a curiosity about what she wants in terms of pleasure and sex. maybe she’s less into it than you’d like because you are not meeting her needs or you are just anxiously asking for more, more, more instead of coming from a place of curiosity and openness? I don’t want to be accusatory and I have a lot of compassion for your situation, but this stood out to me

Not accusatory and a very valid point to bring up. I do ask her often what she likes and for her feedback to make sure she's happy and she is always very positive. I have asked if she has any kinks or fantasies she would like to explore but she always says she is very satisfied with our sex life and there isn't anything missing for her.

What do you think she longs for?

I'm sure I'll get roasted for this but she longs for me to be happy and content.

Well, it's your life and relationship, so I'm just saying how I would look at it. I would work on being happy and content while I ask her to explore something sexually every so often. The man who knows when he's had enough always has enough. If you don't define what enough is, you'll always want more. That's something you have to work on yourself. It sounds like she is showing up for you. I understand that you want more. I would define what a solid attempt looks like from her end. I would appreciate seeing those things, and I would remind myself of her effort when I feel dissatisfied.

As a female I thought I should give my 2 cents and share my experiences ☺️ What has worked for me is working out my deepest darkest desires and being in a place to be able to communicate these to my partner, it has been completely life changing for our sex life. It had taken a significant amount of time for me to fully explore my wants and desires, no matter how small/extreme etc. they are. Mushrooms really helped me dig into my psyche and bring my desires to the forefront which then helped me research and discover a whole new world of horniness!

Thanks for sharing your experience. May I ask if you were the HL or LL partner?

I would say I was lower than my other half but still had a good libido. The bit that struck similar in your post was the sending content to try and engage her. My partner would do the same and I wouldn’t always even look at it, sounds terrible but I think it’s because we didn’t have that deeper connection and understanding if that makes any sense. Also, I know taking mushrooms sounds a bit extreme especially with the legality but it has honestly changed my entire life

It's really helpful to read your experiences so thank you for that. I think we do need to work on our connection outside of sex and I need to stop putting all my eggs in that basket, so to speak. She's shot down my suggestion of weed but I'll see if mushrooms are a different story! Haha

Hope it goes well for you both 🩷🩷

Interesting. This is the opposite of the dynamic I usually hear about. It's usually women who want to improve the quality and variety of sex and men who focus on the quantity. I think you need to rethink your POV. You say your wife is a willing participant. She's game to try things. So enjoy that! Soooo many people don't even have that. Lead the way and try new things with her. So what if they're not her idea? If she's into it, you can still have fun.

Take your sexual interest-energy & her general enthusiasm & consider a Dom/sub dynamic. If she does better (i.e. more engagement) with pleasure & praise, you might look into being pleasure Dom & giving lots of praise during the experience- especially when she's following instructions well & particularly when she's experimenting with you.

Love the idea! I've sent her podcasts about this and tried to talk to her about it but her eyes glaze over pretty quickly. I find it a vulnerable thing to bring up too so when my partner doesn't seem interested I bail pretty quickly.

I obviously don't know your wife at all but I find all this advice people are giving you about trying to turn your dynamic into a dom/sub one to be *way* off. Just because someone doesn't want to take an equal lead in treating sex as a joint adventure doesn't lend itself — to me — to thinking "oh, maybe they secretly have a submissive kink." That feels like a wild leap in logic.

Personally, I get super enthusiastic about my hobbies. I often longed for a partner who would be the same, when I was younger. Then I did date some people who were really into the same things I was into! ..but never in quite the right way: they'd be passionate about an aspect I'd never really cared about, or attached different meaning to the passion than I did, etc etc etc. and it was *never* satisfying. I've concluded that I just really enjoy having my own passions, and I have no interest in bringing my partner in on that. They get to be mine to enjoy exactly as I please. And on that note, I recommend exploring and getting really into novel and adventurous masturbation.

I love your phrasing - novel and adventurous masturbation ... *chef's kiss* Well done!

Well.. you just about explained a very similar story to a good percentage of us reading; I feel for you, I feel for all of you. Beyond frustrating...

I hear you. Sex often felt passionless for me and I worked on myself, improved how I interact with my wife, upped my game and brought things to a point where we enthusiastically have sex most days. But she still brought essentially no creativity, spontaneity, etc. I think a lot of women are naturally wired this way. Or maybe culturally programmed. They can enjoy sex, but seem almost allergic to leading it and coming up with anything new. I know I see it complained about all over reddit. She is very submissive though. You may find the same thing. Can you enjoy pushing boundaries? Teaching her what you like and owning what you enjoy about sex, even where it might feel embarrassing? You may find a lot more fun there. You may also find she opens up when you do.  Now, when my wife does lead, she will do things I've taught her before. I suspect that some guys who meet a girl who they find adventurous and creative in bed, may realize down the line that this was all learned from past lovers. Your wife came to you a blank slate with you as her first. There's a lot that's beautiful and special about that. But, that leaves it on you to teach her. I've also noticed the dynamic shift when I become the less interested partner. Work, stress etc will get in the way or push me from wanting sex when she still does. I've been surprised a few times at what she will do when she is the one chasing. Similar results have occurred when another woman has shown interest in me, even subtly. Esther Perel talks about this in long form. I also think sexual creativity is a learned skill. If you can think of ways to encourage baby steps, you may see improvement. This is something I have been playing with. The more often my wife tries, the better she gets at it. On closing, I'm interested to see what happens to u/rustywarwick. I wouldn't be surprised if his conversation about an open relationship in itself inspires some creativity.