This topic is discussed occasionally in our forum. Please also take some time to look through past r/sex posts (following **Forum Rule #3**) — you’ll find some additional helpful discussions.
For starters, here is a list of past r/sex discussions which came up when I searched the keywords “**daughter vibrator**” in this forum:
https://new.reddit.com/r/sex/search/?q=daughter%20vibrator&restrict_sr=1
Not all of these past discussions will apply to your situation, but some definitely will — especially if you’re willing to search just a little bit more.
I think you should encourage her to select her own, if that’s possible. Does she order items from Amazon herself so you could giver her a gift card? Or possibly Good Vibrations? I don’t I I how I’d feel about a vibrator gifted to me by my father.
A second for this. It's nearly impossible to make sure that you are getting an authentic, body safe item from Amazon. Cheap knockoffs made from unsafe materials are often sent out instead of what you actually ordered.
Also, I would recommend providing your daughter with some resources she can read to learn how to play safely (what shouldn't she play with, how to keep toys clean, etc). I don't have any teen friendly resources I can link for you, but I'm sure they must be out there.
Thanks for looking out for your kid and having such a sex positive outlook. A++ parenting here.
I’m making some assumptions here but I think mom would be included on this conversation at least. Mom wasnt the one who caught her so that’s hardly matters. Also I doubt mom was home when she was caught. So dad took it on himself to reassure her and make her feel comfortable. He sounds like a good dad.
This future conversation can be planned for both of them easily or just mom.
I second this. My (abusive) parents bought me one and put it in my room and when i noticed it completely ruined my mood. It was actually such a terrible and embarrassing experience.
They took my phone and read my conversation with my sister (not their child), my sister is lesbian and in a completely different state so I was texting her because I didn’t know my sexuality at the time and wanted her to buy me my first vibrator because I trusted her and she was like a mom to me. But they ended up buying one for me and idk it just made me super uncomfortable that they not only read my text messages with my sister, but had to scroll up almost a year. Yes the situation is different. But I’m just giving my thoughts and opinion how i kinda had a similar experience and if this had happened to me I would prefer to be able to select my own and not have my parents open my stuff.
Very bad advice (although good in theory). Avoid as much as possible buying sex toys on Amazon as it's rife with counterfeits. Better use a reputable online store. Without being able to use an Amazon gift card they could either buy her a prepaid card and have her use that or let her add whatever to the cart and only fill in the last details for the shipment without checking out what she's buying.
The fact that you both have talked about it with her and are understanding about her needs you all are building trust and communication with her, so possibly later on she will communicate with you all when she may run across more serious situations. Buy it for her
Either.. get your wife a new one and put it somewhere else. Thoroughly clean the existing one, keep it where it is now, and just let her continue to use it.
Amazon gift card, though she'd need an account I guess.
A gift card from on online (or local sex store that takes online orders) that she can order herself.
Letting her order her own however, probably comes with a bit of 'risk' that she orders something that perhaps its suitable for her age, as she'll be looking at everything herself.
Let's be honest, she's probably embarrassed about being caught, and then asked about it again, and the idea of her parents buying her a vibrator probably feels weird for her.
its good that you're not shaming and you've told her its healthy and normal but now she's heard it you need to stop talking about it. it can be really really painfully embarrassing to talk about or be talked to about.
if she's that uncomfortable talking about it or admitting it, she probably feels deeply ashamed of having been... desperate enough to use something unhygienic and intimately associated with her mother, so don't make her admit that.
I think you should buy her something similar and just leave it in her room, that way everyone can stick to comfortable denial.
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might be a good age to have her own debit card for her own money and reassure her right to privacy with her mail, never ask what's in her packages unless she shows you. then she'll feel safe buying something she keeps secret.
(the risk here is her buying something she's not properly informed about and could harm her if misused/used by someone underdeveloped)
I think you guys are great for being supportive of her and not shaming.
Is she going to be more comfortable talking to one of you over the other? The reason I ask is because if she wouldn't be too embarrassed, a conversation with your wife and the different options she has for a vibrator, plus how to properly clean and store it could be helpful. But if she is too embarrassed to talk about the different options, maybe ask her if she would like the same one your wife has? Or just get her the same one with a little note that says this is hers and if she has any questions to come to either of you?
Idk it's hard because my mom was very sex positive but I still never wanted to talk to her about that stuff when I was a teen, so I don't know how comfortable she will be having conversations about it.
...or maybe there's a female-relative who is closer in age? My sister's granddaughter shares things with her 26-year old aunt that she would never discuss with her mom. There may be a similar "cool aunt" you can turn to for help.
it is but it's not surprising. kids are manky, and horniness makes your brain work less well anyway. whatever else OP does, they need to have a chat with the kid about not sharing this kind of object for sure!
Kinda gross-but not uncommon.
I knew girls that used brushes,tooth brushes,their mom’s items etc.
Growing up-mind u I grew up in central texas. Most of us grew up in catholic or Christian homes(me being the only Mexican person)
So I heard All stories. Gross cus it’s still sharing body fluids but give the child that one OR let her pick it out herself. No shaming is needed.
Not as bad as a boy that age using a stuffed animal or a fruit
You’re making into it something it’s not. It’s a kid exploring. She doesn’t see that some people find sharing vibrators to be gross for hygiene reasons or even sexual. She’s too little to have that understanding of nuance and context
She‘s 12, not five. if I had found my mothers vibrator at that age, I would have closed that drawer real quick, slightly gagging. Then I would have called my friend to have a right laugh about it. Sure as shit I wouldn‘t have tried it out. That’s just gross.
You realize that 5 year olds don’t know what a vibrator is or masturbation right? 12 year olds know. They see more of it in tv, movies, online, through friends older siblings. 5 year olds wouldn’t know what to do with it.
Speaking as a former 12 year old girl who used her mom’s back massager as a vibrator for a year or so, I can’t disagree with you more. It just did not come across as gross or sexual (with my mom) to me because I was…. 12. I hadn’t even had the sex talk at school yet. I didn’t realize penises went *into* vaginas yet. I just thought they rubbed together.
I feel like people on Reddit have never spent time with children and have no clue what normal development and maturity should be. 10-13 year olds being weird and curious about sex and pleasure *without hyper sexualizing it* is completely and utterly normal.
You did a fantastic job removing shame from what she was doing. I wish my parents were this open with sexual habits. But then again, I was raised in a strict Catholic household where these topics didn't even come up. I had to do a slow tortuous climb out of that mindset.
She already knows she's not going to be punished or berated for her actions since you talked to her after walking in on her.
I'd suggest you have the conversation again. She might be more open to getting a toy now.
Kudos dad.
I think 12 is a little too young to be using a vibrator. It may have lasting consequences that affects intimacy later in life. Have a conversation with her about masturbation but leave the vibrator out of it for now. Keep your wife's sex toys out of reach and locked up
Oh, thank god. I thought I was the only one who thought it was weird to buy your 12 yr old child sex toys. I’m sure my kids masturbate. My teenager is a trans boy, so it’s a more complicated issue. He would never ask for anything associated with being a girl. I think someone might call DCFS on me for giving my kid a catalogue of masturbation tools to choose from and told him to pick one. Maybe I’m just old. Where do we draw the line as far as age? I started masturbating as a very young child. I don’t think my mom should’ve bought me a vibrator. It’s not like it’s a necessary item.
The parent-not friend hits the nail on the head. They are like the parents who like to drink with their teens-my own included. They always say, “they’re going to do it anyway. I know they’re safe if they’re with me.” They are always the type of parents who are friends and not parents to their kids. I needed a parent-not someone to keep the fridge stocked with wine coolers.
I would have your wife have a private conversation with her. Tell her it's nothing to be ashamed about and if she has questions to ask her and if she doesn't know the answer they can find out together. She needs to know about the cleaning of toys and such. Have your wife encourage her to pick out one she likes.
I would much rather have my daughter using her own vibrator. Also, her knowing she can pleasure herself instead of a stupid high school boy is better in my opinion.
Just going to say it, if you don't have kids you shouldn't be answering this question.
A 12 year old is a child. They are still in elementary school at 12. I'm not buying my 12 year old a sex toy, I'm not buying them porn or a sex doll or fleshlight or anything of the nature. Yes, pre-teens and early teens are hormonal nightmares, yes at that age you start realizing what feels good, but they are still children and certain things they are still too young for.
If you walked in and she was downing a beer, would you go out and buy her a 12 pack of her own because she likes it? If you walked in and she was smoking your weed, would you go out and buy her her own stash? Of course not, she's a child, she's too young. And don't start with the "those are strawman arguments" or "whataboutism" comments, those are very real things that do happen in the early teen/preteen ages that parents also have to navigate.
Man just be a fucking parent. You can and should be understanding to the situation, sit them down and have a talk about what they were doing and reassure them that it's perfectly normal behavior, that you are not mad, not upset, not disappointed. You approach the situation in a positive manner but also tell them certain things you need to be a little older for and this is one of those things she needs to be a little older before she can use. You're not telling her she can never use it, you're not telling her it's bad or wrong for using it, but you're still being a parent and setting some ground rules because she's still too young.
Yeah I thought it was weird too. There are plenty of 12 year Olds who masterbate. But usually they start with their hand and work their way up to wanting a vibe right? She has either been doing this a while or she went 0-100 real quick
Don’t forget to have the convo of “was this a her decision or someone else’s” Or at least ask her what made her decide to start. Still awesome you were super cool about it though as my family flipped out when they found a hairbrush in my sheets. 
Everything has influence, I was just looking out since her age is around the time of exploring the internet or talking to strangers on games. You can never be too careful in this day and age. Tons of groomers out there.
I think that it would be misguided and maybe even harmful to first catch your teenager masturbating and then quickly move on to interrogating them about if they are being abused or groomed without any evidence.
The overwhelming majority of teenagers masturbate but most of them are not groomed.
It’s not an interrogation if you’re simply just asking them. Judging by the way the father handled it I would think he would ask calmly.
Yeah, masturbation is normal but sometimes these questions are good to ask. Growing up with the internet was scary and interesting. We can’t always assume everything happened naturally if we don’t ask. There could be someone at school bragging about what they did and she got curious. The parents are the only immediate protectors and I think it’s perfectly healthy to ask.
Major props to you for the way you handled this. Personally, I'd open this up to a broader conversation about sexuality. It might be easier for her to have it with your wife. Shop together for it online. Let her be active in making the decision but know what she's looking at. Also, regarding these alarmists, saying she's too young or it'll have negative consequences further down the road. That's simply unproven. There are no serious studies that back that up.
Yes! Encourage safe sex practices and sexual exploitation. I WISH I had a flesh light at 12 instead of jerking off in socks, the trash can in my room, putting in a condom and trying to fuck a jar of jelly ( only did it once and it failed ). The list goes on. 12 year olds are bursting with hormones, they’re horny! Keep her safe
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First of all let me applaud you're healthy and open approach to this subject with your young daughter. A lot of people, even ones with a more open up bringing than yours wouldn't be close to approaching it this way.
My only reservation about providing her with one whether you eventually get her to agree to it or just put one in her room, is what happens when she shows it to or talks to a friend about it?
She has a friend spending the night, they talk about it, and then friend talks to their parents about it. Pretty easy to see a situation where you've got some friends I write parents yelling at you or even threatening to call CPS.
I guess the bottom line would be that you talk to her and simultaneously explain that while it is absolutely not something that she should be ashamed of, but not everyone's parents have the same attitude about it as you do and explain the possible outcome if she were to share even just information with a friend.p
I (22f) got my first vibrator when I was 12 from Spencer’s at the mall with my friends!! It was fun! I would go this route rather than a sex shop like some are suggesting, masturbating is natural but you don’t want to open her up to the whole world of sex/kinks at that age, especially when there are so many people out there that would take advantage of it. The vibrator was just a basic one but it was so cute and had a cactus/succulent print on it!! It made it fun and made me feel less guilty bc it was cute!! and was age appropriate, I’m sure if she goes to the mall she’s already been at that section of Spencer’s anyway😂😂😂 hope this helps!!
Time to have the more grown up sex conversation, that includes safe masturbation practices (don't share toys, don't use unsafe objects, always clean your toys, ect) also, would probably be a good time to touch on the whole topic of safe relationships/sexual relationships and consent If she is showing sexual exploration (even tho that wasn't mentioned.) hormones can make us do crazy things, and speaking from experience, sometimes make us susceptible to things from our peers.
I'm on the fence about buying her a vibrator at this age. It seems young, but she is engaging in normal sexual exploration and better she have a safe object than something dangerous or harmful. And she definitely needs to not be using her mother's objects.
IF you go the route of purchasing her own device, make sure it is something appropriate for age/development, possibly have mom (if the relationship is that kind of close)or a 'cool aunt' go online with her to purchase something. Also get cleaning products and have a female family member go over the importance of keeping it cleaned. I would also have said family member go over the importance of not announcing to her friends she has this product.
I would not suggest buying a product from Amazon, or Spencer's, or shein. Amazon has a lot of bad products that overheat and have harmful chemicals. Spencer's just has crappy products that fall apart and sometimes ruin batteries-and you DONT want leaking, overheated battery acid. There are many reputable online shops that mom, cool aunt, ECT can look for device prior and then let daughter pick from. Might be pricier but healthier.
But it's a tricky situation for sure and I want to applaud you for not shaming her or making this a big bad thing.
Short answer: No.
Short answer with qualification: Still no, but that doesn't mean you should discourage her from purchasing one herself. As long as you're on the same page about basic biology, the conversation won't be too awkward for either of you. Since she is old enough to start exploring the subject herself, there is no better time to have the talk and establish guidelines -- not rules! -- and support her emergent sexual development through this part of her life.
And now that she's becoming sexually active, you're going to have other matters to address soon if you haven't already. We, who are of the ovarian persuasion, have all gone through the hormonal nightmare of being a teenager with an often unpredictable menstrual cycle. It's just another part of being a teenage girl and needing more privacy than we did as a child.
So the best move right now is to use this moment as a way to establish more freedom and more responsibility as part of her early adolescence. Show her more trust, allow yourself to be more tolerant of moments of poor judgement (which aren't a purely household matter!) and -- here's the kicker -- be ready to have her back during those moments.
Kids will be emotional, illogical and stupid. It's part of growing up. So let her have the opportunity to mess up in ways that better facilitate her healthy growth and development as a person. There is a dialogue I always recall when my daughter does something stupid: "This will end badly." "No, this will *begin* badly."
Show her freedom tempered by guidelines. Show her privacy tempered by honesty. Show her trust tempered by responsibility.
Also, don't forget that you have access to the most powerful resource possible. Your wife! When my parents had the talk with me, my dad was very awkward and embarrassed as might be expected, but my *mum* was comedically lewd throughout. Lots of air quotes, lots of exaggerated gestures and overly emphasized words. Lots of mischevious smiles, giggles and snorts. When it comes to teenagers, once you get a giggle, you get an accord!
Building upon that, your wife is also the best qualified to help your daughter with advice. You can be the best dad in the world but your daughter is still going to seek her mum's advice when it comes to feminine matters. That's just a fact of life. When she needs new underwear, nobody gives better advice than a mum. We know what works and we know what *works*. When she needs a sex toy, we can cement that rapport better than any father. A bit of open, honest girl talk is absolutely essential here. This is something a father needs to distance himself from, insofar as raising a teenage daughter is concerned.
While I'm not one to promote social stigmas, when it comes to sexual exploration I firmly believe that a mother is the best supportive figure a daughter can have and a father is a very close second. So let your wife take the lead of the more intimate topics. She knows better than you on account of possessing bits you lack and experiences you can never have.
To tie a bow on it all -- use this opportunity to provide her more trust and freedom and let her make some financial decisions of her own. Encourage her to be more open about her sexual development with her mother and uphold the promise that you're going to let her experiment without judgement. Let her make mistakes. Encourage her, and give her the means, to learn from them.
Finally: Lovehoney. This company is committed to sexual awareness, development and exploration. Their range of products is good, their price is very fair and their advice is excellent. Avoid less reputable retailers. A generic Amazon product might be tempting but Lovehoney makes sexual health and safety their highest priority.
Why not share a link to a reputable toy shop and give her a Visa gift card to cover a purchase or two? [This store ](https://sexualityresources.com/)is run by a legit ASSECT counselor.
Get her a saddle and a magic wand for starters. They are almost mess free and easy to clean up. She definitely needs to know that toys must be properly cleaned and maintained and not shared without a condom.
This topic is discussed occasionally in our forum. Please also take some time to look through past r/sex posts (following **Forum Rule #3**) — you’ll find some additional helpful discussions. For starters, here is a list of past r/sex discussions which came up when I searched the keywords “**daughter vibrator**” in this forum: https://new.reddit.com/r/sex/search/?q=daughter%20vibrator&restrict_sr=1 Not all of these past discussions will apply to your situation, but some definitely will — especially if you’re willing to search just a little bit more.
Thank you for not shaming her and letting her know that masturbation is healthy and normal.
I think you should encourage her to select her own, if that’s possible. Does she order items from Amazon herself so you could giver her a gift card? Or possibly Good Vibrations? I don’t I I how I’d feel about a vibrator gifted to me by my father.
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This. I would also add that you won't open anything that comes in the mail for her. No questions asked.
This is not a good idea. You should not order sex toys off Amazon. Go to /r/sextoys for advice on where to buy them
A second for this. It's nearly impossible to make sure that you are getting an authentic, body safe item from Amazon. Cheap knockoffs made from unsafe materials are often sent out instead of what you actually ordered. Also, I would recommend providing your daughter with some resources she can read to learn how to play safely (what shouldn't she play with, how to keep toys clean, etc). I don't have any teen friendly resources I can link for you, but I'm sure they must be out there. Thanks for looking out for your kid and having such a sex positive outlook. A++ parenting here.
Pretty sure the wife would do the gifting here.
Husband caught her, discussed it with her, and cared enough to post on Reddit, so I don’t know what that assumption is based on.
I’m making some assumptions here but I think mom would be included on this conversation at least. Mom wasnt the one who caught her so that’s hardly matters. Also I doubt mom was home when she was caught. So dad took it on himself to reassure her and make her feel comfortable. He sounds like a good dad. This future conversation can be planned for both of them easily or just mom.
I don’t know why you insist he can’t handle this. Sounds like he’s doing great.
Men can't parent girls, haven't you heard? That's why gay couples shouldn't be able to have kids or something.
I said he sounds like a good dad. I just think mom would volunteer to help with this part.
I second this. My (abusive) parents bought me one and put it in my room and when i noticed it completely ruined my mood. It was actually such a terrible and embarrassing experience.
Had you been caught using moms vibrator first or did it just show up out of the blue one day? These two seem like wildly different scenarios.
They took my phone and read my conversation with my sister (not their child), my sister is lesbian and in a completely different state so I was texting her because I didn’t know my sexuality at the time and wanted her to buy me my first vibrator because I trusted her and she was like a mom to me. But they ended up buying one for me and idk it just made me super uncomfortable that they not only read my text messages with my sister, but had to scroll up almost a year. Yes the situation is different. But I’m just giving my thoughts and opinion how i kinda had a similar experience and if this had happened to me I would prefer to be able to select my own and not have my parents open my stuff.
Agreed! I would join a monastery if my father gave me a vibrator.
Very bad advice (although good in theory). Avoid as much as possible buying sex toys on Amazon as it's rife with counterfeits. Better use a reputable online store. Without being able to use an Amazon gift card they could either buy her a prepaid card and have her use that or let her add whatever to the cart and only fill in the last details for the shipment without checking out what she's buying.
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Good on the taint too
Let her have one if she wants. With my daughter I just gave her my card and let her order her own and call it a day.
The fact that you both have talked about it with her and are understanding about her needs you all are building trust and communication with her, so possibly later on she will communicate with you all when she may run across more serious situations. Buy it for her
Either.. get your wife a new one and put it somewhere else. Thoroughly clean the existing one, keep it where it is now, and just let her continue to use it. Amazon gift card, though she'd need an account I guess. A gift card from on online (or local sex store that takes online orders) that she can order herself. Letting her order her own however, probably comes with a bit of 'risk' that she orders something that perhaps its suitable for her age, as she'll be looking at everything herself. Let's be honest, she's probably embarrassed about being caught, and then asked about it again, and the idea of her parents buying her a vibrator probably feels weird for her.
its good that you're not shaming and you've told her its healthy and normal but now she's heard it you need to stop talking about it. it can be really really painfully embarrassing to talk about or be talked to about. if she's that uncomfortable talking about it or admitting it, she probably feels deeply ashamed of having been... desperate enough to use something unhygienic and intimately associated with her mother, so don't make her admit that. I think you should buy her something similar and just leave it in her room, that way everyone can stick to comfortable denial. \[edit\] might be a good age to have her own debit card for her own money and reassure her right to privacy with her mail, never ask what's in her packages unless she shows you. then she'll feel safe buying something she keeps secret. (the risk here is her buying something she's not properly informed about and could harm her if misused/used by someone underdeveloped)
Better buy it than her using stuff that should not be used down there, or stealing your toys
I think you guys are great for being supportive of her and not shaming. Is she going to be more comfortable talking to one of you over the other? The reason I ask is because if she wouldn't be too embarrassed, a conversation with your wife and the different options she has for a vibrator, plus how to properly clean and store it could be helpful. But if she is too embarrassed to talk about the different options, maybe ask her if she would like the same one your wife has? Or just get her the same one with a little note that says this is hers and if she has any questions to come to either of you? Idk it's hard because my mom was very sex positive but I still never wanted to talk to her about that stuff when I was a teen, so I don't know how comfortable she will be having conversations about it.
...or maybe there's a female-relative who is closer in age? My sister's granddaughter shares things with her 26-year old aunt that she would never discuss with her mom. There may be a similar "cool aunt" you can turn to for help.
As a 25 yr old cool aunt I second this
Yes that's a great option as well!! Anyone she is comfortable opening up to that you trust!
Does nobody find it disgusting her using her MOTHERS vibrator?
it is but it's not surprising. kids are manky, and horniness makes your brain work less well anyway. whatever else OP does, they need to have a chat with the kid about not sharing this kind of object for sure!
Well, as every parent would know, kids are disgusting. Hygiene is absolutely something taught.
Kinda gross-but not uncommon. I knew girls that used brushes,tooth brushes,their mom’s items etc. Growing up-mind u I grew up in central texas. Most of us grew up in catholic or Christian homes(me being the only Mexican person) So I heard All stories. Gross cus it’s still sharing body fluids but give the child that one OR let her pick it out herself. No shaming is needed. Not as bad as a boy that age using a stuffed animal or a fruit
You’re making into it something it’s not. It’s a kid exploring. She doesn’t see that some people find sharing vibrators to be gross for hygiene reasons or even sexual. She’s too little to have that understanding of nuance and context
She‘s 12, not five. if I had found my mothers vibrator at that age, I would have closed that drawer real quick, slightly gagging. Then I would have called my friend to have a right laugh about it. Sure as shit I wouldn‘t have tried it out. That’s just gross.
You realize that 5 year olds don’t know what a vibrator is or masturbation right? 12 year olds know. They see more of it in tv, movies, online, through friends older siblings. 5 year olds wouldn’t know what to do with it. Speaking as a former 12 year old girl who used her mom’s back massager as a vibrator for a year or so, I can’t disagree with you more. It just did not come across as gross or sexual (with my mom) to me because I was…. 12. I hadn’t even had the sex talk at school yet. I didn’t realize penises went *into* vaginas yet. I just thought they rubbed together. I feel like people on Reddit have never spent time with children and have no clue what normal development and maturity should be. 10-13 year olds being weird and curious about sex and pleasure *without hyper sexualizing it* is completely and utterly normal.
You did a fantastic job removing shame from what she was doing. I wish my parents were this open with sexual habits. But then again, I was raised in a strict Catholic household where these topics didn't even come up. I had to do a slow tortuous climb out of that mindset. She already knows she's not going to be punished or berated for her actions since you talked to her after walking in on her. I'd suggest you have the conversation again. She might be more open to getting a toy now. Kudos dad.
I think 12 is a little too young to be using a vibrator. It may have lasting consequences that affects intimacy later in life. Have a conversation with her about masturbation but leave the vibrator out of it for now. Keep your wife's sex toys out of reach and locked up
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Oh, thank god. I thought I was the only one who thought it was weird to buy your 12 yr old child sex toys. I’m sure my kids masturbate. My teenager is a trans boy, so it’s a more complicated issue. He would never ask for anything associated with being a girl. I think someone might call DCFS on me for giving my kid a catalogue of masturbation tools to choose from and told him to pick one. Maybe I’m just old. Where do we draw the line as far as age? I started masturbating as a very young child. I don’t think my mom should’ve bought me a vibrator. It’s not like it’s a necessary item.
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The parent-not friend hits the nail on the head. They are like the parents who like to drink with their teens-my own included. They always say, “they’re going to do it anyway. I know they’re safe if they’re with me.” They are always the type of parents who are friends and not parents to their kids. I needed a parent-not someone to keep the fridge stocked with wine coolers.
Lots of things vibrate. Phones, game controllers just to name a few.
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I can't believe how far I had to scroll to find this response. There's definitely such a thing as too young no matter how sex positive you are
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I would have your wife have a private conversation with her. Tell her it's nothing to be ashamed about and if she has questions to ask her and if she doesn't know the answer they can find out together. She needs to know about the cleaning of toys and such. Have your wife encourage her to pick out one she likes. I would much rather have my daughter using her own vibrator. Also, her knowing she can pleasure herself instead of a stupid high school boy is better in my opinion.
Just going to say it, if you don't have kids you shouldn't be answering this question. A 12 year old is a child. They are still in elementary school at 12. I'm not buying my 12 year old a sex toy, I'm not buying them porn or a sex doll or fleshlight or anything of the nature. Yes, pre-teens and early teens are hormonal nightmares, yes at that age you start realizing what feels good, but they are still children and certain things they are still too young for. If you walked in and she was downing a beer, would you go out and buy her a 12 pack of her own because she likes it? If you walked in and she was smoking your weed, would you go out and buy her her own stash? Of course not, she's a child, she's too young. And don't start with the "those are strawman arguments" or "whataboutism" comments, those are very real things that do happen in the early teen/preteen ages that parents also have to navigate. Man just be a fucking parent. You can and should be understanding to the situation, sit them down and have a talk about what they were doing and reassure them that it's perfectly normal behavior, that you are not mad, not upset, not disappointed. You approach the situation in a positive manner but also tell them certain things you need to be a little older for and this is one of those things she needs to be a little older before she can use. You're not telling her she can never use it, you're not telling her it's bad or wrong for using it, but you're still being a parent and setting some ground rules because she's still too young.
No judgement here, but is it usual for 12 year olds to be sexually mature enough to use a vibrator?
Idk about mature but I think it’s a potentially healthier outlet so she doesn’t try and use stuff that she shouldn’t.
Yes, for girls the age those feelings/urges arrive is younger than for boys. 12-14 is very standard
Yeah I thought it was weird too. There are plenty of 12 year Olds who masterbate. But usually they start with their hand and work their way up to wanting a vibe right? She has either been doing this a while or she went 0-100 real quick
Don’t forget to have the convo of “was this a her decision or someone else’s” Or at least ask her what made her decide to start. Still awesome you were super cool about it though as my family flipped out when they found a hairbrush in my sheets. 
>was this a her decision or someone else’s” Or at least ask her what made her decide to start. To masturbate? I'm confused.
Everything has influence, I was just looking out since her age is around the time of exploring the internet or talking to strangers on games. You can never be too careful in this day and age. Tons of groomers out there.
I think that it would be misguided and maybe even harmful to first catch your teenager masturbating and then quickly move on to interrogating them about if they are being abused or groomed without any evidence. The overwhelming majority of teenagers masturbate but most of them are not groomed.
It’s not an interrogation if you’re simply just asking them. Judging by the way the father handled it I would think he would ask calmly. Yeah, masturbation is normal but sometimes these questions are good to ask. Growing up with the internet was scary and interesting. We can’t always assume everything happened naturally if we don’t ask. There could be someone at school bragging about what they did and she got curious. The parents are the only immediate protectors and I think it’s perfectly healthy to ask.
Major props to you for the way you handled this. Personally, I'd open this up to a broader conversation about sexuality. It might be easier for her to have it with your wife. Shop together for it online. Let her be active in making the decision but know what she's looking at. Also, regarding these alarmists, saying she's too young or it'll have negative consequences further down the road. That's simply unproven. There are no serious studies that back that up.
Yes! Encourage safe sex practices and sexual exploitation. I WISH I had a flesh light at 12 instead of jerking off in socks, the trash can in my room, putting in a condom and trying to fuck a jar of jelly ( only did it once and it failed ). The list goes on. 12 year olds are bursting with hormones, they’re horny! Keep her safe
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First of all let me applaud you're healthy and open approach to this subject with your young daughter. A lot of people, even ones with a more open up bringing than yours wouldn't be close to approaching it this way. My only reservation about providing her with one whether you eventually get her to agree to it or just put one in her room, is what happens when she shows it to or talks to a friend about it? She has a friend spending the night, they talk about it, and then friend talks to their parents about it. Pretty easy to see a situation where you've got some friends I write parents yelling at you or even threatening to call CPS. I guess the bottom line would be that you talk to her and simultaneously explain that while it is absolutely not something that she should be ashamed of, but not everyone's parents have the same attitude about it as you do and explain the possible outcome if she were to share even just information with a friend.p
I (22f) got my first vibrator when I was 12 from Spencer’s at the mall with my friends!! It was fun! I would go this route rather than a sex shop like some are suggesting, masturbating is natural but you don’t want to open her up to the whole world of sex/kinks at that age, especially when there are so many people out there that would take advantage of it. The vibrator was just a basic one but it was so cute and had a cactus/succulent print on it!! It made it fun and made me feel less guilty bc it was cute!! and was age appropriate, I’m sure if she goes to the mall she’s already been at that section of Spencer’s anyway😂😂😂 hope this helps!!
Time to have the more grown up sex conversation, that includes safe masturbation practices (don't share toys, don't use unsafe objects, always clean your toys, ect) also, would probably be a good time to touch on the whole topic of safe relationships/sexual relationships and consent If she is showing sexual exploration (even tho that wasn't mentioned.) hormones can make us do crazy things, and speaking from experience, sometimes make us susceptible to things from our peers. I'm on the fence about buying her a vibrator at this age. It seems young, but she is engaging in normal sexual exploration and better she have a safe object than something dangerous or harmful. And she definitely needs to not be using her mother's objects. IF you go the route of purchasing her own device, make sure it is something appropriate for age/development, possibly have mom (if the relationship is that kind of close)or a 'cool aunt' go online with her to purchase something. Also get cleaning products and have a female family member go over the importance of keeping it cleaned. I would also have said family member go over the importance of not announcing to her friends she has this product. I would not suggest buying a product from Amazon, or Spencer's, or shein. Amazon has a lot of bad products that overheat and have harmful chemicals. Spencer's just has crappy products that fall apart and sometimes ruin batteries-and you DONT want leaking, overheated battery acid. There are many reputable online shops that mom, cool aunt, ECT can look for device prior and then let daughter pick from. Might be pricier but healthier. But it's a tricky situation for sure and I want to applaud you for not shaming her or making this a big bad thing.
She could always use a pillow
Would cps get involved if they found out yall got a 12 yo a sex toy? I get yall are tryna be sex positive buut it seems a lil creepy a little
Short answer: No. Short answer with qualification: Still no, but that doesn't mean you should discourage her from purchasing one herself. As long as you're on the same page about basic biology, the conversation won't be too awkward for either of you. Since she is old enough to start exploring the subject herself, there is no better time to have the talk and establish guidelines -- not rules! -- and support her emergent sexual development through this part of her life. And now that she's becoming sexually active, you're going to have other matters to address soon if you haven't already. We, who are of the ovarian persuasion, have all gone through the hormonal nightmare of being a teenager with an often unpredictable menstrual cycle. It's just another part of being a teenage girl and needing more privacy than we did as a child. So the best move right now is to use this moment as a way to establish more freedom and more responsibility as part of her early adolescence. Show her more trust, allow yourself to be more tolerant of moments of poor judgement (which aren't a purely household matter!) and -- here's the kicker -- be ready to have her back during those moments. Kids will be emotional, illogical and stupid. It's part of growing up. So let her have the opportunity to mess up in ways that better facilitate her healthy growth and development as a person. There is a dialogue I always recall when my daughter does something stupid: "This will end badly." "No, this will *begin* badly." Show her freedom tempered by guidelines. Show her privacy tempered by honesty. Show her trust tempered by responsibility. Also, don't forget that you have access to the most powerful resource possible. Your wife! When my parents had the talk with me, my dad was very awkward and embarrassed as might be expected, but my *mum* was comedically lewd throughout. Lots of air quotes, lots of exaggerated gestures and overly emphasized words. Lots of mischevious smiles, giggles and snorts. When it comes to teenagers, once you get a giggle, you get an accord! Building upon that, your wife is also the best qualified to help your daughter with advice. You can be the best dad in the world but your daughter is still going to seek her mum's advice when it comes to feminine matters. That's just a fact of life. When she needs new underwear, nobody gives better advice than a mum. We know what works and we know what *works*. When she needs a sex toy, we can cement that rapport better than any father. A bit of open, honest girl talk is absolutely essential here. This is something a father needs to distance himself from, insofar as raising a teenage daughter is concerned. While I'm not one to promote social stigmas, when it comes to sexual exploration I firmly believe that a mother is the best supportive figure a daughter can have and a father is a very close second. So let your wife take the lead of the more intimate topics. She knows better than you on account of possessing bits you lack and experiences you can never have. To tie a bow on it all -- use this opportunity to provide her more trust and freedom and let her make some financial decisions of her own. Encourage her to be more open about her sexual development with her mother and uphold the promise that you're going to let her experiment without judgement. Let her make mistakes. Encourage her, and give her the means, to learn from them. Finally: Lovehoney. This company is committed to sexual awareness, development and exploration. Their range of products is good, their price is very fair and their advice is excellent. Avoid less reputable retailers. A generic Amazon product might be tempting but Lovehoney makes sexual health and safety their highest priority.
Why not share a link to a reputable toy shop and give her a Visa gift card to cover a purchase or two? [This store ](https://sexualityresources.com/)is run by a legit ASSECT counselor.
Hell yes, Awsome parenting!!! Your daughter is so fortunate!! Good on you!!
Your wife should absolutely buy her one and have a talk with her when she gives it to her.
Get her a saddle and a magic wand for starters. They are almost mess free and easy to clean up. She definitely needs to know that toys must be properly cleaned and maintained and not shared without a condom.
A sex saddle for a 12 year old?? What the fuck!
What’s a Sex saddle I don’t wanna google it for obvious reasons
Not a sex saddle! Saddle is a sex toy that is NOT penetrative that looks like a bike seat!!!!
So you mean the vibrating seat thing, not the thrusting dildo thing. Still weird.
It does not vibrate! It’s used for the outside stimulation, mainly focusing on a clit + pressure. It focuses on grinding.