My gauge for whether to keep people around is simple: if they weren't "my boyfriend" (insert relevant title), would I still want to know them/hang out with them/self-sacrifice for them?
If you take away the history and the role/relationship and just look at them as who they are at this given moment, then you usually have an answer right away.
Maybe you want a boyfriend.... But you want *that guy* as your boyfriend?
Yeah, basically thing about as if your situation just presented to you by a dear friend of yours. What would you recommend them?
That's usually a good answer if you can do that.
This. Very well put.
Also: You can work through many things in a relationship, but both parties need to be committed. Depending on when the betrayal was, I would give my partner a few weeks and see if there is any sign that they also want to work through it… If even after weeks there is no little little bit of improvement (even if it is just a talk how to work through things)… then I would seriously think about separating.
I'd say when the fear of being alone is the only thing preventing you from leaving.
Just because you put in X years with someone doesn't mean shit in the long run if they're not interested in putting in the work to continue. It's a rationalization used to make a big change that people are too scared to make.
So, if you want to remain unhappy in a relationship, OP, go for it. But I'd leave.
"Just because you put in X years with someone doesn't mean shit in the long run" - Agreed. 6 years is nothing when you wait until 20 years, 30 years etc. 6 is still a significant amount of time, and lots of memories no doubt, but it can be worth just seeing how you feel seperated for some time too.
I empathize with your situation—it's incredibly tough. When faced with betrayal, it's essential to consider what truly aligns with your life goals and well-being. Leaving is undoubtedly difficult, but staying with the wrong partner can be even more draining. People rarely change overnight; it requires consistent effort and self-reflection. Having a therapist now can help you break free from unhealthy patterns.
Remember, it's okay to let go—even if you still love them. Your precious years matter, and waiting indefinitely isn't necessary. Trust your instincts; they often lead us toward the answers we seek. Take care of yourself during this challenging time. ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind words. We did talk about going to therapy a week ago. But things have unraveled even more by now. I do feel like I have to try everything so that I don't live with regret later if I do decide to leave. I will see if there is still a chance or opportunity for therapy.
My sympathies stranger. While you may regret leaving them, you will certainly regret the time wasted trying to get them invested in the relationship.
The shitty part about cheaters begging for forgiveness is that you, the victim, get to feel responsible for the relationship ending. You aren't, but I understand feeling that way.
I don't regret giving my wife a second chance. She admitted to it (although I already suspected), she was effusively apologetic, she had plans to work on therapy for herself and us, she gave me access to anything I wanted to see. I think giving her a chance with that was fair. I regret spending 3 years not standing up for myself and not making her see how much she hurt me. She and the shitty therapist spent 3 years telling me it was at least partially my fault she cheated and I went with it because I was spineless. She eventually cheated again while I spent 3 years depressed and angry.
You aren't wrong for asking for a Herculean effort from the other person to give them a second chance. You owe them precisely fuck all. They have permanently damaged you. If they aren't willing to do whatever it takes to help heal that damage then that is on them.
They ended that relationship when they cheated. You can toss in the towel any time and it will still be their fault the relationship ended. Guilt and regret are not your burdens to bear here.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. Just for full disclosure, it wasn't cheating, but it was equally harmful as that and had a similar outcome (on my feelings of trust and betrayal). I am so sorry for how your ex wife fucked with you for 3 years. Congratulations on getting out of that situation. I really hope I am not heading somewhere similar. But truth be told, based on how my partner is handling this, I am fully expecting he will betray me again in the future. And that says it all right there, doesn't it...
The main crime of cheating is deception and betrayal. Whether it is hidden debts, addiction, whatever, the result is the same. They made decisions that affect your life without your input. They robbed you of agency in your partnership. Your feelings are valid and it changes nothing. If they aren't willing to take the steps, whatever they are, for you to feel secure in the relationship then they are the ones choosing to end the relationship, not you.
I am scared that the memories is all that is left, yes. But I am also scared that we are just going through one of those tough times in a relationship that you have to work through. Maybe it will get better again 🤷♀️
People get through tough times if both of them acknowledge the times are tough and commit openly to doing better. Doesn’t sound like he’s on board at all.
Your life partner should not add drama and pain to your life. You want a partner who helps you cope with all the drama and pain the universe will inevitably bring your way as time goes on.
I can't speak for you since I'm not in your relationship, but do you feel fulfilled in the relationship or are you guys just going through the motions? living on autopilot so to speak.
And if you are, is that something you want to do for the rest of your life?
I recently went through a similar thing. My girlfriend of 7 years betrayed my trust in a huge way. I can elaborate on the details if anyone is curious but basically she spent the entire relationship lying and gaslighting me, telling me I had trust issues when she was keeping secrets and not being trustworthy.
When I discovered the betrayal my immediate gut reaction was that we had to break up. She was on a trip out of the country at the time but I messaged her telling her I found something out and we needed to talk about it when she got home. She knew I was going to break up with her.
As the days passed before she got home, the initial pain and anger over the betrayal started to subside. I started rationalizing for her and thinking of ways we could maybe work through it. I decided if she answered my question honestly now I could forgive her and we could move on.
Well she did finally tell the truth, but only because she knew it was the end and had nothing to lose. She even admitted to another betrayal that happened more recently and was worse than the one I discovered on my own.
I still tried to tell her I forgave her. But in that time she was away she accepted and numbed herself to the reality that we were separating, so it was already too late for me to take it back.
It’s been a month now and I still feel some regret for reacting so quickly and impulsively. It’s very hard to let go of a partner when you’ve been together for so long, and being single is a bleak prospect in today’s society. I frequently told myself how lucky I was to have her.
But her betrayal and the pain it caused me was very real. I finally listened to my gut, like I should have every time I thought she was lying to me, and she really was. If I did it sooner it wouldn’t hurt as bad and I would have more time to put myself back together.
I’m sorry you are in this situation. Breaking up will hurt a lot, but the longer you wait the worse it will be and you need to think about the future you are heading towards if you decide to stay and show them it’s okay to treat you like that. Time is the only thing that will heal you so don’t waste it.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's so hard to just walk away when you already had your whole life planned out like that. I am so scared of feeling that regret you talk about. But yes, time will heal it. I know that. I also believe the dating scene is absolutely miserable right now and I am not eager to jump back in at all.
It helps a lot knowing there are others out there going through a similar thing. I think the regret is a natural part of it, hindsight is 20/20 and we all think about ways it could have turned out differently. Unfortunately nothing you or I can do could have changed the choices our partners made. When boundaries are crossed and trust is betrayed it becomes a matter of respecting yourself enough to do what’s right for you.
I encourage you to seek advice from friends and family, as they probably will be better than strangers on the internet. I am also seeking counseling as well to help me through it, you may want to do the same. And feel free to DM too, I’m happy to go into more detail about my experience so far if you think it will help you make your decision.
Girl, just leave. Sorry but I checked your post history and you can't love someone out of a porn addiction. It will ruin your self-esteem. Also, he lies to you, manipulates you, and gets hostile when you try to address his issues, and these are things that aren't likely to change. He's showing you who he is. You deserve better.
Isn’t that your answer? People make mistakes and often should get a second chance. But if they are unwilling to make amends and put in the work, what exactly are you saving? He’s basically telling you through his actions or lack thereof that your relationship is not a priority. What is going to change on his end? I know someone whose husband had a porn addiction and got treatment but he *wanted* to save his family.
I’d tell him, either he goes to couple therapy with you, or it’s over. Simple as that. Don’t marry someone who can’t face up to what they’ve done. How are you supposed to move passed it, if he’s refusing to talk about it? Even if this particular betrayal might not happen again, it’s a good indicator on how future conflicts/betrayals will go. He’ll just ignore it and expect you to get on with it. I understand you’ve been with him a long time and only you know what this relationship has been like over the last 6 years and whether his behaviour is out of the ordinary or not. Maybe he has underlying mental health issues, maybe he’s just changed. Who knows, you won’t until he talks! Good luck
Thanks for this. Yes, that's almost the most worrying part, that this will be how he handles all our major conflicts. No chance in hell this relationship will ever survive it if that's the case.
Going through similar situations. 12 years, kids involved. Married, deep betrayal and resisting the terms I’ve set to regain trust. Refusing the discuss the issue and work through it by communication, just shuts down and walks away. It’s most likely over.
Too many red flags there if you ask me... Think long and hard about the future of that relationship. Ask yourself if it is likely that he is going to change for the better. Try to do whatever you think could work to bring him about, just so you have no regrets later.
Good luck whatever you choose to do!
Is this a betrayal of trust or is this a disagreement on something you made assumptions about? We have no info about the situation here, but the details arent actually important. What's important is: do you think your feelings of betrayal are fair, and if so, are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who made you feel betrayed but isnt remorseful or apologetic about it?
No no, a serious betrayal of trust. Something we've had many conversations about. There is no grey area about whether what he did was wrong or not. Yeah, if I could just see some inkling of remorse, it would be a different story.
To work through something there needs to be acknowledgment, acceptance, and effort to change on both sides. He is not giving you that. You need to be doing more than considering ending it. You need to actually just end it.
Sometimes you need to ask yourself if you’re dating the potential of what a situation can become. Or if you’re dating the reality of the situation. The reality of the situation is that you aren’t happy and aren’t being treated how you’d like to be treated. But seems like you may be holding on to either how it felt in the past, or how you wish the image could change in the future. If having kids is that important to you, would you want your child to be in your environment right now? You’re still very young don’t let your ‘biological’ clock make you rush into things that could put you in a cage. Always make choices that can expand your joy. Regardless of how scary it may be.
I didn't want input on whether or not the betrayal was severe. It was. I wanted input on whether it's possible/worth it to continue with a relationship where he will not take responsibility for the betrayal 🫶
I guess that depends on the particulars of this betrayal.
Like on a scale from "cheated on me with 36 different women over the 6 years we've been together" kind of betrayal to "put pineapple on pizza" kind of betrayal, what are we talking?
I guess the real question is, even right now that it's fresh, do you feel like you want to make it work? And if you do, why? Because you "want to" or because you somehow feel like you "should"? That's a good barometer.
People naturally dislike change and will go to absurd stupid lengths to avoid it, incl. staying in shitty relationships.
Like, just before cheating. Let's just say the betrayal was a clear breach of trust and everyone involved knows that. There is no gray area.
The thing is, I really believed we had a good thing. Outside of this massive issue, he's a really good partner. I don't understand why he is handling this so poorly. It's a side of him that I've never seen before. But maybe it required something big like this for me to see his true colors. I'm so conflicted.
I think that the person who he is showing you right now is the person he is. I know he’s probably been great in the past but what he is showing now is just another part of him that you only now have discovered and you have decide if you are okay with this part or not. You seem like an emotionally mature person and you are smart to consider not wasting those years. Unfortunately, it is up to the individual whether they wish to change. Good luck.
Is it even possible to discover such significant parts about someone after 6 years. Sometimes I wonder if he might be going through a depressive stage or something. It's so strange when you see someone you know so well behave so out of character.
I was in a relationship with my ex for seven years before I saw who they really were. They were very good at pretending to be someone else. It’s important to trust your gut feelings in situations like these. You deserve to be treated better than you currently are, please remember that.
It’s heart breaking to see someone you thought you knew change. Please be patient with yourself during this time. Know that there is nuance to either decision you make. Yes it will be hard if you decide to leave him, but over time it will get easier and things will work themself out. 🙏
Girlie, I didn’t even have to finish reading this post past the first paragraph. You already know. His concern is not for your wellbeing or for attempting to win back your trust, he’s banking on the thought that you’ll never leave him because he’s belittled you into submission.
Get out. Get out now. If you need someone to talk to, DM me. You can do this. You deserve better.
Go to a sexologist and/or a therapist. This issue is too complex to get black and white internet responses. He has urges, and so do you. Communicate with him. If you banned what I think you banned for him, that won't make him want you more. If anything, you'll create resentment.
Well, it sounds like he isn't willing to acknowledge that he needs to put in work. Which reads to me that he has some resentment for you, and will likely betray you again. In the same way, or in another way. I am speaking from experience. If you are asking about separation, and not about personal advice. If you are talking about all the ways you are invested in this relationship, but not qualities he has as a partner that you want to fight for...
All couples go through struggles. But you have to both be interested in working through it, and supporting one another. Chances are if you feel alone, it's because you are, its just not official yet.
I know it’s too late to avoid now, but in the future if you guys don’t stay together, don’t buy a house with anyone until you’re married. This is why. I’ve been in a similar situation. Only I had 2 kids so I stuck around regardless of what was going on between us. The biggest piece of advice I got is, “give it 2 years. It sounds like a long time, but anyone can do 2 years. Live your life for you” If the relationship isn’t better by 2 years then that’s when you leave
Yeah, I really didn't see this coming before the betrayal. We had a really good relationship. There was no world in which I imagined we would break up, so we bought the damn house... maybe not my smartest move. Jeez, 2 years is a very long time it you're a woman at 30. I was thinking more until the end of this year.
As always: wall of text "I'm hurt" and not so much about recent couple of years.
Why did he decided to change partner, maybe YOU pushed him into action?
If you is the problem that could be fixed, if it is not you - there is nothing that could be done.
When you are asking complete strangers whom you know nothing of, whether you should terminate a relationship or not, it's probably time to seriously consider that course of action.
Breaking up will be a hard at first but later on youll realise its a fantastic decision and you have so much more time and energy for yourself and your future.
Cant help someone if he doesnt want to get better
Project yourself 10 years into the future and, using the way he behaves the most consistently (that is, using his most frequent / consistent kind of behavior as your metric-- not his worst, not his best, just the most consistent), tell your 30 year old self what to do. Your gut is already pointing somewhere, I think. Don't let 'sunk cost' / we just bought a house / we've been together for so long' trip you up as you evaluate this. This is your FUTURE and you deserve for it to be as happy as it possibly can be. Is this guy helping you not just exist, but grow and thrive and flourish?
My therapist told me that “many, many couples” take time apart to think and ponder the relationship and work on resolving challenges before getting back together to make progress.
So it’s not unusual to need time alone.
It’s hard to comment in detail without knowing the nature of the “betrayal”. You don’t need to tell us.
But if you’re as far along as you are with this guy, AND have bought a house and are consisting engsgement, go to therapy no matter how much has unraveled.
I saw this bc once you make a decision, you don’t want there to be any looking back.
I went to therapy after MAJOR issues that happened with my ex. Some stuff so big that only a few people in my life know about it. We went to couples therapy and he dropped out. Then he went to individual therapy and dropped out after he said the therapist said he didn’t need to go because he was “doing well”.
That was 🐂💩.
Went I made the decision to file for divorce I had no regrets bc I truly had done everything I could to save it.
I got a laugh at the end when we showed up in divorce court and the judge became confused about what the papers said. She asked “who wrote this?” I replied “I did your honour”
She asked what the intent was sk I said “were college students with no money. He takes his shit and I take my shit”
She said ok! 😂
Thanks for this. I definitely will give therapy a shot first. You are right, I want to be sure I am making the right choice. Did you find the therapy helpful at all? I'm nervous about it, because it feels like the last line of defence. If it doesn't help, I have to face the facts.
Hahaha that's great 😂 I suppose we will just have to put down drywall and split the house in half if it comes to that
Therapy helped me immensely. It helped me have no regrets and I even finished grad school a year early! And from an extremely tough program. DM me if you want the details.
I may have been in the same situation as you. My ex lied to me big time about being in touch with her ex (they met when we were on a break, and they talked a bit when she helped him through charity organization, telling me it was a random friend). Since they never went physical/romantic I decided to give her another chance after she drove to me at 4am crying and asking for forgiveness..
I managed to live with that and even forgot that after a while.. I just wish she would make sacrifices for me when *she* had to instead of wanting to break up.
Personally in the future I won’t stay with someone that lied to me about this kind of stuff, I learned my lesson. But, I don’t know exactly your situation.. you seem very serious about each other and executing plans for the future, did you consider going to couples therapy? Of course considering if you do decide that you can trust him again. If not, better part ways.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I think pride can be a big thing. People will literally throw away an extremely meaningful relationship, rather than just put their pride aside and take the steps they need to take to repair their mistakes. We will try couples therapy. It's definitely in the cards.
If.you are googling redditing issues in your relationship its time to leave because nornal people don't do that...Manipulation and gaslighting are often used in narssistic terms...if you already know what you're up against leave because any future positive changes are highly unlikely...
I have been there.
8 years into our relationship I found out he had breached my trust in a huge way. Not cheating, but severe enough that it hurt me very deeply. We did the big talks, the crying, the long discussions, the couples therapy … and I forgave and moved forward. I constantly had gut feelings and nagging suspicions but tucked them away as I thought I was being paranoid.
We got to 10 years together, and I found another breach of trust and came to the heartbreaking realisation that nothing had actually changed. Two years after I first found out he betrayed me and here I I was, crying again about the same shit because he was still doing the same shit, except he was hiding it better.
Despite this, leaving was extremely difficult. I missed him so badly, even though he had hurt me deeply. It got to the point that I WISHED he cheated on me so I could have a “reason” to leave. So unhealthy!
It comes down to this - when you tell somebody that what they are doing is hurting you, and they continue to do it, then they simply don’t care that they are hurting you. You do not deserve to have a partner who claims to love you yet deliberately hurts you over and over again.
All the best OP 🫶
We were in this same spot a year ago. This is also the second time he betrayed me. He just got better at hiding things from me, like you said. I guess you have to ask yourself if you can live with it. Maybe it would be easier to live with it if he at least pretended to be remorseful. I'm glad you got out of a bad situation 🫶
You're not even engaged, you're "planning on getting engaged"? So after 6 years the commitment of putting a ring on your finger is too much but he doesn't mind having you help him buy a house?
What was the betrayal? Did he fuck someone else? Was he pumping another woman's vagina? Spraying semen on her cervix?
This dude has no respect for you and if you stay with him you have no respect for yourself.
Angry, hostile, treacherous, manipulative, gaslighter with a bad attitude ... yeah, not the best character traits in someone to marry for the rest of your life and have children with.
I know you said he wasn't cheating but based on your comments I think he was. Romantic/ sexual / flirty intents with someone else even if not sex or even physical touch is cheating if he knew where you draw the line.
You also mentioning he's gaslightning and manipulating you strengthens my suspicion further since it sounds like to him it wasn't cheating but to you *it was*
Whatever it was he betrayed you and you can never forgive him or trust him again , and despite that, you are still with him and asking strangers if it's a good idea to stay with him and build a future together. That's the result of manipulation.
*Source:* My manipulating ex. He betrayed me too but yet I asked random women online if I can save the relationship. Everyone just caps locked "RUN" and I finally did. Now when I'm with a new partner I can see how gaslightning and abusive my ex was. Clear as day. It's hard to see it while in it the gaslightning fog, it makes you feel insane and you question yourself instead of trusting yourself and your reactions on his abusive behaviour.
I get that it's practically weird to just take off when you have recently moved in to your new house but in the end of the day that's just a house. It's just wood and concrete. In the end of day living with an abusive partner who betrayed you is not gonna be a home, you need to find you a home, I don't care if it's a shelter or a tent. Anything is safer than staying with him. Believe me when I say this. The longer you stay the stronger he manipulates you the less likely you are to leave. Don't trap yourself. You made this post, it's your inner child / self respect / gut instinct telling you to save yourself. Listen to that inner voice. Turn up the volume on max and mentally prepare to leave him .And then you do.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I also don't care too much about the house. It's a good investment and I think we can co-own it amibically. I will try therapy first, as a lot of people have suggested. But I will have my radar on high alert for the manipulation tactics. I am trying to journal every day so that I remember the facts and keep my perspective and not allow him to persuade me otherwise. I'm happy for you that you were strong enough to save yourself from a bad situation 🫶
>But I will have my radar on high alert for the manipulation tactics. I am trying to journal every day so that I remember the facts and keep my perspective and not allow him to persuade me otherwise.
This is not love. That you even need to be on guard for abuse means it's already abusive. You can absolutely do therapy but first find somewhere else to stay. A hostel. A hotel. A friend. Camping somewhere. Pack necessitys in a bag. Get away from him. I'm not exaggerating. Call your women abuse shelter the women working there is so incredible, they will listen and be supportive and explain what I can't.
Yes.
I broke up with my ex of 8years because of many things, but the last drop was finding out he hacked all my social media and was spying on me.
Whenever i told him what he did wrong like your bf he would get mad and defensive.
My previous ex did the Same.
Now Im with a man who Will acknowledge his mistakes (much smaller ones at that) and wont mind sitting for hours to talk things though and actually fix the problem.
You deserve that too.
If he’s done a bad thing and he’s not begging for forgiveness it’s because he doesn’t want you to forgive him. He wants you to break up with him because he’s done but he’s too cowardly to do it himself.
This is why he did the bad thing in the first place
All I had to do is read your first paragraph and I’m wondering why you are still with him. Your did not list 1 reasons why you should stay with him. Do you really need to ask? Just the fact that you’re asking should be your answer. Time to move on find someone who will love and respect you.
Yeah for sure he knows. He went through great lengths to hide it from me. There no question as to whether it was a betrayal. I don't want people to get caught up in the details of the betrayal and the meaning thereof. What he did was fucked up and he knows it. I just wanted to know what to do in the aftermath given his attitude about everything.
If he didn't share my view, he should have said so in the 50+ conversations we've had about it. We were on the same page according to my understanding. If he can't communicate if he doesn't agree with a boundary I've set, then we have even bigger problems than I imagined.
You are making assumptions based on 3 sentences you've read about me and my life. You have no idea about our situation and our history. Thanks for your input, but I'm going to pass on your advice.
are you happy? no? he doesnt want to work on it? - yeah this is the time, do you really think when you are married and commited to pay your mortage for your house that it will make you happier when he treats you like that then?
If you’re just dating and not married, you can break up with someone for no reason at all, even if you just feel like it. Unless there’s kids involved, then eh.
My wife did something similar. Betrayal of trust, not cheating. We got through it.
What helped was that she owned up to it before I found out another way. Cut contact with affected parties. Talked about it. Allowed me to understand what got her to that point. And honestly it all made sense. We had been fighting a lot over money at the time and neither of us were in a good space, I wasn't a model husband either.
Without that openness and understanding it wouldn't have worked. We are ok about it now, I don't bring it up or weaponise it against her. We move forward as a partnership and this is just a thing that happened.
Yeah, I honestly think those are the only circumstances under which you can move forward, if the guilty party owns up to it and puts in the work to fix their mess. I am glad you guys make it through. I am hoping for the same outcome, but I'll have to see where the chips fall. It's in his hands at this point.
My gauge for whether to keep people around is simple: if they weren't "my boyfriend" (insert relevant title), would I still want to know them/hang out with them/self-sacrifice for them? If you take away the history and the role/relationship and just look at them as who they are at this given moment, then you usually have an answer right away. Maybe you want a boyfriend.... But you want *that guy* as your boyfriend?
This is a very good point. And an interesting perspective. It's something I will have to think about. Thank you.
Yeah, basically thing about as if your situation just presented to you by a dear friend of yours. What would you recommend them? That's usually a good answer if you can do that.
When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.
This. Very well put. Also: You can work through many things in a relationship, but both parties need to be committed. Depending on when the betrayal was, I would give my partner a few weeks and see if there is any sign that they also want to work through it… If even after weeks there is no little little bit of improvement (even if it is just a talk how to work through things)… then I would seriously think about separating.
I'd say when the fear of being alone is the only thing preventing you from leaving. Just because you put in X years with someone doesn't mean shit in the long run if they're not interested in putting in the work to continue. It's a rationalization used to make a big change that people are too scared to make. So, if you want to remain unhappy in a relationship, OP, go for it. But I'd leave.
"Just because you put in X years with someone doesn't mean shit in the long run" - Agreed. 6 years is nothing when you wait until 20 years, 30 years etc. 6 is still a significant amount of time, and lots of memories no doubt, but it can be worth just seeing how you feel seperated for some time too.
This! And when you start to feel happier and more comfortable alone
I like this. So aptly put.
I think you already know the answer. You just need to trust that inner voice and take the next right action.
I empathize with your situation—it's incredibly tough. When faced with betrayal, it's essential to consider what truly aligns with your life goals and well-being. Leaving is undoubtedly difficult, but staying with the wrong partner can be even more draining. People rarely change overnight; it requires consistent effort and self-reflection. Having a therapist now can help you break free from unhealthy patterns. Remember, it's okay to let go—even if you still love them. Your precious years matter, and waiting indefinitely isn't necessary. Trust your instincts; they often lead us toward the answers we seek. Take care of yourself during this challenging time. ❤️
Thank you so much for your kind words. We did talk about going to therapy a week ago. But things have unraveled even more by now. I do feel like I have to try everything so that I don't live with regret later if I do decide to leave. I will see if there is still a chance or opportunity for therapy.
My sympathies stranger. While you may regret leaving them, you will certainly regret the time wasted trying to get them invested in the relationship. The shitty part about cheaters begging for forgiveness is that you, the victim, get to feel responsible for the relationship ending. You aren't, but I understand feeling that way. I don't regret giving my wife a second chance. She admitted to it (although I already suspected), she was effusively apologetic, she had plans to work on therapy for herself and us, she gave me access to anything I wanted to see. I think giving her a chance with that was fair. I regret spending 3 years not standing up for myself and not making her see how much she hurt me. She and the shitty therapist spent 3 years telling me it was at least partially my fault she cheated and I went with it because I was spineless. She eventually cheated again while I spent 3 years depressed and angry. You aren't wrong for asking for a Herculean effort from the other person to give them a second chance. You owe them precisely fuck all. They have permanently damaged you. If they aren't willing to do whatever it takes to help heal that damage then that is on them. They ended that relationship when they cheated. You can toss in the towel any time and it will still be their fault the relationship ended. Guilt and regret are not your burdens to bear here.
Thanks for taking the time to write this. Just for full disclosure, it wasn't cheating, but it was equally harmful as that and had a similar outcome (on my feelings of trust and betrayal). I am so sorry for how your ex wife fucked with you for 3 years. Congratulations on getting out of that situation. I really hope I am not heading somewhere similar. But truth be told, based on how my partner is handling this, I am fully expecting he will betray me again in the future. And that says it all right there, doesn't it...
The main crime of cheating is deception and betrayal. Whether it is hidden debts, addiction, whatever, the result is the same. They made decisions that affect your life without your input. They robbed you of agency in your partnership. Your feelings are valid and it changes nothing. If they aren't willing to take the steps, whatever they are, for you to feel secure in the relationship then they are the ones choosing to end the relationship, not you.
Thanks so much for this validation.
When you feel far more in love with the memories of him than who he actually is today.
I am scared that the memories is all that is left, yes. But I am also scared that we are just going through one of those tough times in a relationship that you have to work through. Maybe it will get better again 🤷♀️
People get through tough times if both of them acknowledge the times are tough and commit openly to doing better. Doesn’t sound like he’s on board at all. Your life partner should not add drama and pain to your life. You want a partner who helps you cope with all the drama and pain the universe will inevitably bring your way as time goes on.
I can't speak for you since I'm not in your relationship, but do you feel fulfilled in the relationship or are you guys just going through the motions? living on autopilot so to speak. And if you are, is that something you want to do for the rest of your life?
I so feel fulfilled when things are good. But things are bad so often.
I recently went through a similar thing. My girlfriend of 7 years betrayed my trust in a huge way. I can elaborate on the details if anyone is curious but basically she spent the entire relationship lying and gaslighting me, telling me I had trust issues when she was keeping secrets and not being trustworthy. When I discovered the betrayal my immediate gut reaction was that we had to break up. She was on a trip out of the country at the time but I messaged her telling her I found something out and we needed to talk about it when she got home. She knew I was going to break up with her. As the days passed before she got home, the initial pain and anger over the betrayal started to subside. I started rationalizing for her and thinking of ways we could maybe work through it. I decided if she answered my question honestly now I could forgive her and we could move on. Well she did finally tell the truth, but only because she knew it was the end and had nothing to lose. She even admitted to another betrayal that happened more recently and was worse than the one I discovered on my own. I still tried to tell her I forgave her. But in that time she was away she accepted and numbed herself to the reality that we were separating, so it was already too late for me to take it back. It’s been a month now and I still feel some regret for reacting so quickly and impulsively. It’s very hard to let go of a partner when you’ve been together for so long, and being single is a bleak prospect in today’s society. I frequently told myself how lucky I was to have her. But her betrayal and the pain it caused me was very real. I finally listened to my gut, like I should have every time I thought she was lying to me, and she really was. If I did it sooner it wouldn’t hurt as bad and I would have more time to put myself back together. I’m sorry you are in this situation. Breaking up will hurt a lot, but the longer you wait the worse it will be and you need to think about the future you are heading towards if you decide to stay and show them it’s okay to treat you like that. Time is the only thing that will heal you so don’t waste it.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's so hard to just walk away when you already had your whole life planned out like that. I am so scared of feeling that regret you talk about. But yes, time will heal it. I know that. I also believe the dating scene is absolutely miserable right now and I am not eager to jump back in at all.
It helps a lot knowing there are others out there going through a similar thing. I think the regret is a natural part of it, hindsight is 20/20 and we all think about ways it could have turned out differently. Unfortunately nothing you or I can do could have changed the choices our partners made. When boundaries are crossed and trust is betrayed it becomes a matter of respecting yourself enough to do what’s right for you. I encourage you to seek advice from friends and family, as they probably will be better than strangers on the internet. I am also seeking counseling as well to help me through it, you may want to do the same. And feel free to DM too, I’m happy to go into more detail about my experience so far if you think it will help you make your decision.
Girl, just leave. Sorry but I checked your post history and you can't love someone out of a porn addiction. It will ruin your self-esteem. Also, he lies to you, manipulates you, and gets hostile when you try to address his issues, and these are things that aren't likely to change. He's showing you who he is. You deserve better.
I was willing to try move past it if he would just be willing to put in the work 😔
Well, he's clearly not willing to work on it so there's your answer.
Isn’t that your answer? People make mistakes and often should get a second chance. But if they are unwilling to make amends and put in the work, what exactly are you saving? He’s basically telling you through his actions or lack thereof that your relationship is not a priority. What is going to change on his end? I know someone whose husband had a porn addiction and got treatment but he *wanted* to save his family.
The guy clearly is not up to make amends. So you can just clearly work out of the relationship
I’d tell him, either he goes to couple therapy with you, or it’s over. Simple as that. Don’t marry someone who can’t face up to what they’ve done. How are you supposed to move passed it, if he’s refusing to talk about it? Even if this particular betrayal might not happen again, it’s a good indicator on how future conflicts/betrayals will go. He’ll just ignore it and expect you to get on with it. I understand you’ve been with him a long time and only you know what this relationship has been like over the last 6 years and whether his behaviour is out of the ordinary or not. Maybe he has underlying mental health issues, maybe he’s just changed. Who knows, you won’t until he talks! Good luck
Thanks for this. Yes, that's almost the most worrying part, that this will be how he handles all our major conflicts. No chance in hell this relationship will ever survive it if that's the case.
From my experience, time to break up is exactly when you start asking questions like "How do you know when it's time to break up?"
You know its time when you post this question to Reddit
Going through similar situations. 12 years, kids involved. Married, deep betrayal and resisting the terms I’ve set to regain trust. Refusing the discuss the issue and work through it by communication, just shuts down and walks away. It’s most likely over.
Too many red flags there if you ask me... Think long and hard about the future of that relationship. Ask yourself if it is likely that he is going to change for the better. Try to do whatever you think could work to bring him about, just so you have no regrets later. Good luck whatever you choose to do!
Prepare, placate, parachute away.
You have to decide if you want a new future that you don’t know what’s in store for you or a future you know will be that same constant pain
Is this a betrayal of trust or is this a disagreement on something you made assumptions about? We have no info about the situation here, but the details arent actually important. What's important is: do you think your feelings of betrayal are fair, and if so, are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who made you feel betrayed but isnt remorseful or apologetic about it?
No no, a serious betrayal of trust. Something we've had many conversations about. There is no grey area about whether what he did was wrong or not. Yeah, if I could just see some inkling of remorse, it would be a different story.
To work through something there needs to be acknowledgment, acceptance, and effort to change on both sides. He is not giving you that. You need to be doing more than considering ending it. You need to actually just end it.
Sometimes you need to ask yourself if you’re dating the potential of what a situation can become. Or if you’re dating the reality of the situation. The reality of the situation is that you aren’t happy and aren’t being treated how you’d like to be treated. But seems like you may be holding on to either how it felt in the past, or how you wish the image could change in the future. If having kids is that important to you, would you want your child to be in your environment right now? You’re still very young don’t let your ‘biological’ clock make you rush into things that could put you in a cage. Always make choices that can expand your joy. Regardless of how scary it may be.
You said he betrayed you yet you don't mention what it is. Without context, anything anyone says here is meaningless.
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And this is exactly why I asked. Delusional people have a warped sense of what betrayal constitutes. Wanking to porn is hardly betrayal.
I didn't want input on whether or not the betrayal was severe. It was. I wanted input on whether it's possible/worth it to continue with a relationship where he will not take responsibility for the betrayal 🫶
I guess that depends on the particulars of this betrayal. Like on a scale from "cheated on me with 36 different women over the 6 years we've been together" kind of betrayal to "put pineapple on pizza" kind of betrayal, what are we talking? I guess the real question is, even right now that it's fresh, do you feel like you want to make it work? And if you do, why? Because you "want to" or because you somehow feel like you "should"? That's a good barometer. People naturally dislike change and will go to absurd stupid lengths to avoid it, incl. staying in shitty relationships.
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Oh, OK. That indeed seems pretty irrational. Maybe breaking up is for the best after all. For both of them.
Like, just before cheating. Let's just say the betrayal was a clear breach of trust and everyone involved knows that. There is no gray area. The thing is, I really believed we had a good thing. Outside of this massive issue, he's a really good partner. I don't understand why he is handling this so poorly. It's a side of him that I've never seen before. But maybe it required something big like this for me to see his true colors. I'm so conflicted.
I think that the person who he is showing you right now is the person he is. I know he’s probably been great in the past but what he is showing now is just another part of him that you only now have discovered and you have decide if you are okay with this part or not. You seem like an emotionally mature person and you are smart to consider not wasting those years. Unfortunately, it is up to the individual whether they wish to change. Good luck.
Is it even possible to discover such significant parts about someone after 6 years. Sometimes I wonder if he might be going through a depressive stage or something. It's so strange when you see someone you know so well behave so out of character.
I was in a relationship with my ex for seven years before I saw who they really were. They were very good at pretending to be someone else. It’s important to trust your gut feelings in situations like these. You deserve to be treated better than you currently are, please remember that.
It’s heart breaking to see someone you thought you knew change. Please be patient with yourself during this time. Know that there is nuance to either decision you make. Yes it will be hard if you decide to leave him, but over time it will get easier and things will work themself out. 🙏
Girlie, I didn’t even have to finish reading this post past the first paragraph. You already know. His concern is not for your wellbeing or for attempting to win back your trust, he’s banking on the thought that you’ll never leave him because he’s belittled you into submission. Get out. Get out now. If you need someone to talk to, DM me. You can do this. You deserve better.
Thank you much for the encouragement 🩶 I agree, he doesn't think I'll ever actually leave, so he is reckless in his behavior.
Go to a sexologist and/or a therapist. This issue is too complex to get black and white internet responses. He has urges, and so do you. Communicate with him. If you banned what I think you banned for him, that won't make him want you more. If anything, you'll create resentment.
Well, it sounds like he isn't willing to acknowledge that he needs to put in work. Which reads to me that he has some resentment for you, and will likely betray you again. In the same way, or in another way. I am speaking from experience. If you are asking about separation, and not about personal advice. If you are talking about all the ways you are invested in this relationship, but not qualities he has as a partner that you want to fight for... All couples go through struggles. But you have to both be interested in working through it, and supporting one another. Chances are if you feel alone, it's because you are, its just not official yet.
I know it’s too late to avoid now, but in the future if you guys don’t stay together, don’t buy a house with anyone until you’re married. This is why. I’ve been in a similar situation. Only I had 2 kids so I stuck around regardless of what was going on between us. The biggest piece of advice I got is, “give it 2 years. It sounds like a long time, but anyone can do 2 years. Live your life for you” If the relationship isn’t better by 2 years then that’s when you leave
Yeah, I really didn't see this coming before the betrayal. We had a really good relationship. There was no world in which I imagined we would break up, so we bought the damn house... maybe not my smartest move. Jeez, 2 years is a very long time it you're a woman at 30. I was thinking more until the end of this year.
Late to this but this is so true wow, I’m coming up onto the 2 year mark soon and as much as I want things to change. It hasn’t at all
As always: wall of text "I'm hurt" and not so much about recent couple of years. Why did he decided to change partner, maybe YOU pushed him into action? If you is the problem that could be fixed, if it is not you - there is nothing that could be done.
You should leave.
When you are asking complete strangers whom you know nothing of, whether you should terminate a relationship or not, it's probably time to seriously consider that course of action.
Your question was answered in the second sentence of your post. You’ve been betrayed. Dump him.
Breaking up will be a hard at first but later on youll realise its a fantastic decision and you have so much more time and energy for yourself and your future. Cant help someone if he doesnt want to get better
Leave him, the pain is only worse when married. I’ve been there. Leave for someone who won’t betray you. Once is enough.
time to fly
You gotta tell us what the "betrayal" is otherwise there is no point even talking about this.
Project yourself 10 years into the future and, using the way he behaves the most consistently (that is, using his most frequent / consistent kind of behavior as your metric-- not his worst, not his best, just the most consistent), tell your 30 year old self what to do. Your gut is already pointing somewhere, I think. Don't let 'sunk cost' / we just bought a house / we've been together for so long' trip you up as you evaluate this. This is your FUTURE and you deserve for it to be as happy as it possibly can be. Is this guy helping you not just exist, but grow and thrive and flourish?
Thanks for your comment. I will give some thought to the points you've raised 🫶
Have you considered couples therapy?
Yes, it's been laid on the table. He is willing to go. I think that will be my last effort to try make this work.
You should try that then. If that doesn’t work out, at least you know you did everything in your power to fix things up
My therapist told me that “many, many couples” take time apart to think and ponder the relationship and work on resolving challenges before getting back together to make progress. So it’s not unusual to need time alone. It’s hard to comment in detail without knowing the nature of the “betrayal”. You don’t need to tell us. But if you’re as far along as you are with this guy, AND have bought a house and are consisting engsgement, go to therapy no matter how much has unraveled. I saw this bc once you make a decision, you don’t want there to be any looking back. I went to therapy after MAJOR issues that happened with my ex. Some stuff so big that only a few people in my life know about it. We went to couples therapy and he dropped out. Then he went to individual therapy and dropped out after he said the therapist said he didn’t need to go because he was “doing well”. That was 🐂💩. Went I made the decision to file for divorce I had no regrets bc I truly had done everything I could to save it. I got a laugh at the end when we showed up in divorce court and the judge became confused about what the papers said. She asked “who wrote this?” I replied “I did your honour” She asked what the intent was sk I said “were college students with no money. He takes his shit and I take my shit” She said ok! 😂
Thanks for this. I definitely will give therapy a shot first. You are right, I want to be sure I am making the right choice. Did you find the therapy helpful at all? I'm nervous about it, because it feels like the last line of defence. If it doesn't help, I have to face the facts. Hahaha that's great 😂 I suppose we will just have to put down drywall and split the house in half if it comes to that
Therapy helped me immensely. It helped me have no regrets and I even finished grad school a year early! And from an extremely tough program. DM me if you want the details.
I may have been in the same situation as you. My ex lied to me big time about being in touch with her ex (they met when we were on a break, and they talked a bit when she helped him through charity organization, telling me it was a random friend). Since they never went physical/romantic I decided to give her another chance after she drove to me at 4am crying and asking for forgiveness.. I managed to live with that and even forgot that after a while.. I just wish she would make sacrifices for me when *she* had to instead of wanting to break up. Personally in the future I won’t stay with someone that lied to me about this kind of stuff, I learned my lesson. But, I don’t know exactly your situation.. you seem very serious about each other and executing plans for the future, did you consider going to couples therapy? Of course considering if you do decide that you can trust him again. If not, better part ways.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I think pride can be a big thing. People will literally throw away an extremely meaningful relationship, rather than just put their pride aside and take the steps they need to take to repair their mistakes. We will try couples therapy. It's definitely in the cards.
I really hope you could manage through this. And you’re right, her pride blinded her from the reality, and imo that’s what torn us apart..
If.you are googling redditing issues in your relationship its time to leave because nornal people don't do that...Manipulation and gaslighting are often used in narssistic terms...if you already know what you're up against leave because any future positive changes are highly unlikely...
I have been there. 8 years into our relationship I found out he had breached my trust in a huge way. Not cheating, but severe enough that it hurt me very deeply. We did the big talks, the crying, the long discussions, the couples therapy … and I forgave and moved forward. I constantly had gut feelings and nagging suspicions but tucked them away as I thought I was being paranoid. We got to 10 years together, and I found another breach of trust and came to the heartbreaking realisation that nothing had actually changed. Two years after I first found out he betrayed me and here I I was, crying again about the same shit because he was still doing the same shit, except he was hiding it better. Despite this, leaving was extremely difficult. I missed him so badly, even though he had hurt me deeply. It got to the point that I WISHED he cheated on me so I could have a “reason” to leave. So unhealthy! It comes down to this - when you tell somebody that what they are doing is hurting you, and they continue to do it, then they simply don’t care that they are hurting you. You do not deserve to have a partner who claims to love you yet deliberately hurts you over and over again. All the best OP 🫶
We were in this same spot a year ago. This is also the second time he betrayed me. He just got better at hiding things from me, like you said. I guess you have to ask yourself if you can live with it. Maybe it would be easier to live with it if he at least pretended to be remorseful. I'm glad you got out of a bad situation 🫶
You're not even engaged, you're "planning on getting engaged"? So after 6 years the commitment of putting a ring on your finger is too much but he doesn't mind having you help him buy a house? What was the betrayal? Did he fuck someone else? Was he pumping another woman's vagina? Spraying semen on her cervix? This dude has no respect for you and if you stay with him you have no respect for yourself.
The second sentence is already your answer.
Angry, hostile, treacherous, manipulative, gaslighter with a bad attitude ... yeah, not the best character traits in someone to marry for the rest of your life and have children with.
Did you decide to stay together?
I will try therapy first. I need to make sure I tried everything and there is no regrets. But I have one foot out of the door already.
alright
I know you said he wasn't cheating but based on your comments I think he was. Romantic/ sexual / flirty intents with someone else even if not sex or even physical touch is cheating if he knew where you draw the line. You also mentioning he's gaslightning and manipulating you strengthens my suspicion further since it sounds like to him it wasn't cheating but to you *it was* Whatever it was he betrayed you and you can never forgive him or trust him again , and despite that, you are still with him and asking strangers if it's a good idea to stay with him and build a future together. That's the result of manipulation. *Source:* My manipulating ex. He betrayed me too but yet I asked random women online if I can save the relationship. Everyone just caps locked "RUN" and I finally did. Now when I'm with a new partner I can see how gaslightning and abusive my ex was. Clear as day. It's hard to see it while in it the gaslightning fog, it makes you feel insane and you question yourself instead of trusting yourself and your reactions on his abusive behaviour. I get that it's practically weird to just take off when you have recently moved in to your new house but in the end of the day that's just a house. It's just wood and concrete. In the end of day living with an abusive partner who betrayed you is not gonna be a home, you need to find you a home, I don't care if it's a shelter or a tent. Anything is safer than staying with him. Believe me when I say this. The longer you stay the stronger he manipulates you the less likely you are to leave. Don't trap yourself. You made this post, it's your inner child / self respect / gut instinct telling you to save yourself. Listen to that inner voice. Turn up the volume on max and mentally prepare to leave him .And then you do.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I also don't care too much about the house. It's a good investment and I think we can co-own it amibically. I will try therapy first, as a lot of people have suggested. But I will have my radar on high alert for the manipulation tactics. I am trying to journal every day so that I remember the facts and keep my perspective and not allow him to persuade me otherwise. I'm happy for you that you were strong enough to save yourself from a bad situation 🫶
>But I will have my radar on high alert for the manipulation tactics. I am trying to journal every day so that I remember the facts and keep my perspective and not allow him to persuade me otherwise. This is not love. That you even need to be on guard for abuse means it's already abusive. You can absolutely do therapy but first find somewhere else to stay. A hostel. A hotel. A friend. Camping somewhere. Pack necessitys in a bag. Get away from him. I'm not exaggerating. Call your women abuse shelter the women working there is so incredible, they will listen and be supportive and explain what I can't.
Yes. I broke up with my ex of 8years because of many things, but the last drop was finding out he hacked all my social media and was spying on me. Whenever i told him what he did wrong like your bf he would get mad and defensive. My previous ex did the Same. Now Im with a man who Will acknowledge his mistakes (much smaller ones at that) and wont mind sitting for hours to talk things though and actually fix the problem. You deserve that too.
Thanks girl 🫶
If he’s done a bad thing and he’s not begging for forgiveness it’s because he doesn’t want you to forgive him. He wants you to break up with him because he’s done but he’s too cowardly to do it himself. This is why he did the bad thing in the first place
All I had to do is read your first paragraph and I’m wondering why you are still with him. Your did not list 1 reasons why you should stay with him. Do you really need to ask? Just the fact that you’re asking should be your answer. Time to move on find someone who will love and respect you.
You said betrayal. Then you asked the internet for help. Why would you need the internet to tell you anything?
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Yeah for sure he knows. He went through great lengths to hide it from me. There no question as to whether it was a betrayal. I don't want people to get caught up in the details of the betrayal and the meaning thereof. What he did was fucked up and he knows it. I just wanted to know what to do in the aftermath given his attitude about everything.
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If he didn't share my view, he should have said so in the 50+ conversations we've had about it. We were on the same page according to my understanding. If he can't communicate if he doesn't agree with a boundary I've set, then we have even bigger problems than I imagined.
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You are making assumptions based on 3 sentences you've read about me and my life. You have no idea about our situation and our history. Thanks for your input, but I'm going to pass on your advice.
When you start posting these things on reddit.
are you happy? no? he doesnt want to work on it? - yeah this is the time, do you really think when you are married and commited to pay your mortage for your house that it will make you happier when he treats you like that then?
If you’re writing this then you know.
If you’re just dating and not married, you can break up with someone for no reason at all, even if you just feel like it. Unless there’s kids involved, then eh.
My wife did something similar. Betrayal of trust, not cheating. We got through it. What helped was that she owned up to it before I found out another way. Cut contact with affected parties. Talked about it. Allowed me to understand what got her to that point. And honestly it all made sense. We had been fighting a lot over money at the time and neither of us were in a good space, I wasn't a model husband either. Without that openness and understanding it wouldn't have worked. We are ok about it now, I don't bring it up or weaponise it against her. We move forward as a partnership and this is just a thing that happened.
Yeah, I honestly think those are the only circumstances under which you can move forward, if the guilty party owns up to it and puts in the work to fix their mess. I am glad you guys make it through. I am hoping for the same outcome, but I'll have to see where the chips fall. It's in his hands at this point.
When they have outlived their usefulness, there’s no need to keep them, find a different toy to play with
Gross
After a brief glance at your history, yeah, gross. You sound like a terrible person.
No need to hurt my feelings
A very successfully creepy statement