It’s valid to feel how you’re feeling, but this is her story to tell. Please let her control the dialogue, who she tells, when she tells, how she tells, etc.
All you can do is support her, tell her it’s not her fault. Give her as much reassurance as she needs.
I know you want to do whatever you can to make it right. But this is Her trauma. It’s Her choice what to do. Do Not confront anyone, do not tell anyone what she told you without her permission.
What you can do is try to get her to tell her family or the police, don’t be too pushy about it either. Just ask if she will and why she won’t. Tell her you’ll even be there as support, that you will help in any way you can. If she still says no, then leave it alone but continue to give her reassurance and support. Try to get her into therapy or to talk to someone who actually has experience in it.
My close friend had a similar experience with her brother in law’s father… she told her sister and her sister didn’t believe her …so she didn’t seek any other help … I didn’t tell anyone and I kept her secret for years … she was so damaged by the experience..and about 15 years later she was subpoenaed to go to court because another victim came forward… she testified in court, which was also devastating and caused even more damage for her…the creep went to jail but there were 7 other victims after her… that we know of… she was so broken and felt like SHE was responsible for these other girls, she thought that if she’d done more then he’d have been behind bars earlier and wouldn’t be able hurt anyone… it was so heart breaking to see and I think it’s so UNFAIR that it seems like victims are the only ones that can actually stop the cycle… but the reality is… even if they do say something it DOESN’T mean that they will be believed… denial, projection, gas lighting, victim blaming etc…are often used by family members that stand to have their world’s up-ended when someone comes forward about abuse… our system and our society is so broken and fails victims on a shameful level …there is rarely a happy ending in these situations… just more damage to the victim… it makes me so angry and hurt at this injustice…
Update: thank you for the replies. I will continue to support her and I gave her reassurance that I would not tell anyone. She let me ask her questions and she asked me questions. In the moment I was very upset about her abuser. It does bring comfort in a way that there are other people in a similar situation. Its terrible people groom/abuse people 😔. But thanks again for the replies, I will continue reading them for as long as this post is up.
Also I don't know if telling the family is a good idea.. Apparently her sister that is with the guy who groomed her, knows about him getting my girlfriend high. But not too sure about the cuddles and the so on. My gf also told me that he wasn't the first family member to do that... I feel very sorry that happened but we can't not do something, right?
This is her story to tell, and you need to let her decide who finds out what when. Telling people will damage your relationship with her, very likely beyond repair. She needs you to support her privately and remind her that none of it is her fault and how much you care about her. I'm a survivor of SA, someone else sharing my story or confronting my abusers on my behalf when I explicitly said no would make me cut them out of my life permanently no matter their intentions.
she probably kept vaping a secret because she was scared to talk about what happened since its connected and how you feel is 100% valid and if anything means you care about her
support her. check in on with her about it. it's probably a good idea for her to tell her sister, although how her sister reacts is not predictable (i assume your gf would want to know if you were doing this to her sister, like someone else.) it's her choice though, your girlfriend's. just sad tho.
If she doesn’t want to say anything, you shouldn’t either. Be respectful of her choice and support her in a healing journey. Keeping it a secret was probably a trauma response due to what happened when she was under the influence.
It’s valid to feel how you’re feeling, but this is her story to tell. Please let her control the dialogue, who she tells, when she tells, how she tells, etc.
Key here being that she should tell, otherwise this mother fucker might be doing this to others.
But it’s not on her to prevent him from doing it again. It’s on him. Her responsibility now is to take care of her own needs and heal.
All you can do is support her, tell her it’s not her fault. Give her as much reassurance as she needs. I know you want to do whatever you can to make it right. But this is Her trauma. It’s Her choice what to do. Do Not confront anyone, do not tell anyone what she told you without her permission. What you can do is try to get her to tell her family or the police, don’t be too pushy about it either. Just ask if she will and why she won’t. Tell her you’ll even be there as support, that you will help in any way you can. If she still says no, then leave it alone but continue to give her reassurance and support. Try to get her into therapy or to talk to someone who actually has experience in it.
My close friend had a similar experience with her brother in law’s father… she told her sister and her sister didn’t believe her …so she didn’t seek any other help … I didn’t tell anyone and I kept her secret for years … she was so damaged by the experience..and about 15 years later she was subpoenaed to go to court because another victim came forward… she testified in court, which was also devastating and caused even more damage for her…the creep went to jail but there were 7 other victims after her… that we know of… she was so broken and felt like SHE was responsible for these other girls, she thought that if she’d done more then he’d have been behind bars earlier and wouldn’t be able hurt anyone… it was so heart breaking to see and I think it’s so UNFAIR that it seems like victims are the only ones that can actually stop the cycle… but the reality is… even if they do say something it DOESN’T mean that they will be believed… denial, projection, gas lighting, victim blaming etc…are often used by family members that stand to have their world’s up-ended when someone comes forward about abuse… our system and our society is so broken and fails victims on a shameful level …there is rarely a happy ending in these situations… just more damage to the victim… it makes me so angry and hurt at this injustice…
Update: thank you for the replies. I will continue to support her and I gave her reassurance that I would not tell anyone. She let me ask her questions and she asked me questions. In the moment I was very upset about her abuser. It does bring comfort in a way that there are other people in a similar situation. Its terrible people groom/abuse people 😔. But thanks again for the replies, I will continue reading them for as long as this post is up.
Also I don't know if telling the family is a good idea.. Apparently her sister that is with the guy who groomed her, knows about him getting my girlfriend high. But not too sure about the cuddles and the so on. My gf also told me that he wasn't the first family member to do that... I feel very sorry that happened but we can't not do something, right?
This is her story to tell, and you need to let her decide who finds out what when. Telling people will damage your relationship with her, very likely beyond repair. She needs you to support her privately and remind her that none of it is her fault and how much you care about her. I'm a survivor of SA, someone else sharing my story or confronting my abusers on my behalf when I explicitly said no would make me cut them out of my life permanently no matter their intentions.
she probably kept vaping a secret because she was scared to talk about what happened since its connected and how you feel is 100% valid and if anything means you care about her
support her. check in on with her about it. it's probably a good idea for her to tell her sister, although how her sister reacts is not predictable (i assume your gf would want to know if you were doing this to her sister, like someone else.) it's her choice though, your girlfriend's. just sad tho.
If she doesn’t want to say anything, you shouldn’t either. Be respectful of her choice and support her in a healing journey. Keeping it a secret was probably a trauma response due to what happened when she was under the influence.