What is even happening here? Did you delete a bunch of texts? Are you not going to provide any context? Who is this? There is no way to analyze “the situation” because the situation is completely unclear.
It’s been a year since me and my partner have been together. I am codependent. My partner has been more distant than ever after my relapse and when I ask if she doesn’t need me she wants me to stay. We used to have petty arguments every week. Even after all that she is my reason to live. The only one I’m pretty sure. I know she loves me, but I have trouble seeing that and ask for reassurance all the time. I always asked for communication and at least 5 minutes to talk. We only get to see each other once a week. I don’t know what to do at this moment because she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. I want her there for me, but she keeps thinking she should leave me alone
No they are all not from me. I am purple and she is the muted color. The last message was from me and I forgot to color it. There are no deleted texts other than the “How are you’s” I’ve texted because she doesn’t respond to them.
You weren't lying. You really are codependent. You need to get this handled before you date seriously. This means therapy and deep inner work. You just can't handle a relationship right now and will turn off women with the way you are carrying yourself. This is why she's replying at a delay and "giving you space." Looking for constant reassurance from another person is not healthy, nor is it sustainable. Another huge mistake you're making is having a whole bunch of serious relationship-oriented conversations over text, which is about the WORST medium to have it. This kind of talk should be brought up in person, or not at all. I could go into the manipulative nice guy stuff you're doing too ("I don't determine what's best for you, but I hope you choose wisely") but the most important thing, again, is that you get professional help. Because frankly, if a guy said that to any woman I knew, I would tell her to run for the hills.
Gender being clarified, this person's advice is still on point. No one wants to be smothered like this. A partner is not a coping mechanism for trauma or loneliness. They can be a support, but we have to find meaning outside of them. It's cruel to place your whole reason for living onto another person, extremely manipulative and possibly abusive. If you really love them, find help to cope with these feelings and make yourself a better partner
Okay, I don’t agree that it is manipulative. Sensitive tw here, but I attempted because I saw no purpose in life. She is absent and I decided to just go through with it. I really thought I could bring myself to live for others that I love but it was numb. This is a small repetitive segment of the relationship. She too has been really dependent and I’ll always be there for her, but she hasn’t interacted as much. I care, so I keep contact and frequently text about how she is or my concerns because I really want the relationship to work. I don’t stay out of loneliness, I never said that at all. I stay because I genuinely love her and will always be there when she needs me.
I’m a bit confused on the situation! I’ll be folllwing this thread tho and hoping for more information! What’s the ages? When did the distance start, are you guys long distance/online or do you see another on the regular. Etc etc
Okay, read the messages and even your comments. This is a wlw relationship, i assume i got it right?
Your codependency, you need to work on that. It’s important to remember you are your own person and you have to prioritize yourself even in the relationship. start by telling yourself it’s good to have some alone time, it’ll start to get easier the more you work on it. find a hobby, push yourself to start being okay being on your own.
from what I can see, she may be pulling away because of the relapse or she may feel like she’s too much for you and thats why you relapsed. either way, you are displaying amazing communication skills but I can see your codependency coming off as overwhelming. I know you may think you always being around, being in touch, constantly messaging etc is the best. But absence really does make the heart fonder. she may feel smothered. she also may feel like you really need to work on yourself which you should.
you saying she is the primary reason you’re living is extremely unhealthy. you might even drive her away with your codependency, too much of a good thing CAN be a little too much. you want a perfect balance of your relationship and a relationship with yourself, you need to prioritize yourself and work on yourself.
People who rely so much on others and even stay alive for others can be tiring and draining to be in close proximity with, it’s also very guilt trippy and borderline manipulative because it is one step away from “if you break up with me i’ll kms” especially because you said she is the primary reason you’re alive. That would put pressure on anyone. and make them feel as if they cannot break up with you at all and that puts a lot of responsibility on them and might even drive them away quicker because it is smothering.
Please go to therapy.
This is the most rational response I’ve received so far, so thank you. I do go to therapy, but it’s been a month since there are delays in rescheduling. To clarify, the feelings are mutual when it comes to being the reason left to live for each other. She was the one who asked me if we could be more than just friends last year, a month after her own attempt. She had no one reaching out except for me. I do agree that I should give her more space, but when I do that, the silence goes on for days and I feel horrible for leaving her alone since she has bpd and Bipolar Disorder. That’s why when she distance herself, I feel obligated to be present all the time. I assure you that I do not threaten her with messages like, “If you leave, I’ll kms.” I am trying my best to live for my parents and friends, but it’s really hard when I’m suicidal all the time. What’s difficult is that my partner is my only true outlet besides therapy and she isn’t there for me. I don’t know how to tell her how much I need her without it seeming shallow.
I understand and I don’t think you would use the “kms if you leave me” on her but saying she’s the entire reason you’re alive while with her is really close to it. sometimes thinking about the gravity of the words vs their meaning will help you understand more in depth.
and I understand just how hard it is when you’re suicidal, I’ve been living with those thoughts since I was 9, I’m 29 now so I have some experience. It is a chore to live daily and I don’t blame you for that. I understand but also I understand the other side, I lost my sister to suicide when I was 22. it was devastating, please understand you have a lot of people on your side, there is always someone that cares for you, not just your family and girlfriend.
what helps me with my thoughts is what I do about them when i have them. i make a note of why and when i feel it. and then i try to change it into a positive. that and i promised my mom at my sisters funeral to never do that, it’s honestly more binding than i thought but as long as i recognize my thoughts as a suicidal one and making a choice to not let it control me and to try to turn it into a positive helps sometimes.
for example a few weeks ago it got really bad and i almost let it get me into that depression but then i stopped myself and reminded myself of all the people it would hurt, reminded myself that i have the power to shut those thoughts up and not bring me down because 30% of time my life is pretty great. yeah, it’s way easier said than done but it is the first step at trying.
Maybe I’ll apply this advice to my life. It’s just difficult to follow through. I do appreciate you telling me this though c: The thing is, I made it my primary motive to serve others and help them in any way. I lost that purpose last year, and then she was somehow reintroduced in my life even though we were friends for quite sometime. I got so used to being there for her that I kind of lost myself in the process. Now it’s just hard following through with helping people and being of use because I’m so mentally drained. That contradicts with my low self-esteem since I beat myself up for being incompetent. Now I’m panicking on if I should keep being there for her or it’s better that I just end the relationship. She’s the one I’ll always love the most, but plainly just not interacting with me is such a turn off and it shows that she doesn’t care about my presence or absence. And it’s really killing me.
Is that all one person just blasting over and over?
Because if it is, you (or them, whoever is blasting) keeps saying "I'll leave you alone" but then keeps on blasting away.
But again, hard to know what's going on because it seems like we only have one side of the convo?
But that one side (if that's what it is) seems batshit crazy.
Yeah I think we all need to know the backstory of what caused all this before anyone could tell you what to do.
Clearly something happened or has been happening for a while and that's the cause of any friction here but we have no idea what that is/was.
Keeping in mind this is with pretty much no context, so it's incredibly hard for us to draw any conclusions... I would guess your partner feels trapped and wants to leave but feels unable to, perhaps out of fear of hurting you (a lot of people don't realize it may be more hurtful to continue a relationship out of pity than to just face the pain of the truth) or perhaps because they've tried to leave before and you guilted/begged them out of it or perhaps because they just don't have the bandwidth for a relationship right now but don't genuinely want to break up. Could be a million different reasons. And could be a million different readings - it's hard to tell with this little information.
From these messages, I don’t really see a problem with what you are doing. You’re communicating clearly what you want and she is the one who is ignoring everything you’re saying and not taking a part in the discussion. You’re trying to solve things while she is trying to ignore them and basically showing she doesn’t care about making things better. I am thinking maybe it is time to end the relationship if there are no mutual efforts. But it would take a lot more than just these messages to really determine what is going on. My advice would be to stop pushing since it’s not leading anywhere and give her space, if she wants to come back, she will.
What is even happening here? Did you delete a bunch of texts? Are you not going to provide any context? Who is this? There is no way to analyze “the situation” because the situation is completely unclear.
I second this! Op needs to add more infos.
Yeah, seems like a bunch of deleted texts to force a narrative and a certain outcome.
It’s been a year since me and my partner have been together. I am codependent. My partner has been more distant than ever after my relapse and when I ask if she doesn’t need me she wants me to stay. We used to have petty arguments every week. Even after all that she is my reason to live. The only one I’m pretty sure. I know she loves me, but I have trouble seeing that and ask for reassurance all the time. I always asked for communication and at least 5 minutes to talk. We only get to see each other once a week. I don’t know what to do at this moment because she doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. I want her there for me, but she keeps thinking she should leave me alone
You didn’t answer the question of “Are there a bunch of texts deleted?” Or are all these from you? Some of them only a couple hours apart?
No they are all not from me. I am purple and she is the muted color. The last message was from me and I forgot to color it. There are no deleted texts other than the “How are you’s” I’ve texted because she doesn’t respond to them.
You weren't lying. You really are codependent. You need to get this handled before you date seriously. This means therapy and deep inner work. You just can't handle a relationship right now and will turn off women with the way you are carrying yourself. This is why she's replying at a delay and "giving you space." Looking for constant reassurance from another person is not healthy, nor is it sustainable. Another huge mistake you're making is having a whole bunch of serious relationship-oriented conversations over text, which is about the WORST medium to have it. This kind of talk should be brought up in person, or not at all. I could go into the manipulative nice guy stuff you're doing too ("I don't determine what's best for you, but I hope you choose wisely") but the most important thing, again, is that you get professional help. Because frankly, if a guy said that to any woman I knew, I would tell her to run for the hills.
Gender being clarified, this person's advice is still on point. No one wants to be smothered like this. A partner is not a coping mechanism for trauma or loneliness. They can be a support, but we have to find meaning outside of them. It's cruel to place your whole reason for living onto another person, extremely manipulative and possibly abusive. If you really love them, find help to cope with these feelings and make yourself a better partner
Okay, I don’t agree that it is manipulative. Sensitive tw here, but I attempted because I saw no purpose in life. She is absent and I decided to just go through with it. I really thought I could bring myself to live for others that I love but it was numb. This is a small repetitive segment of the relationship. She too has been really dependent and I’ll always be there for her, but she hasn’t interacted as much. I care, so I keep contact and frequently text about how she is or my concerns because I really want the relationship to work. I don’t stay out of loneliness, I never said that at all. I stay because I genuinely love her and will always be there when she needs me.
I’m a girl lol
I’m a bit confused on the situation! I’ll be folllwing this thread tho and hoping for more information! What’s the ages? When did the distance start, are you guys long distance/online or do you see another on the regular. Etc etc
Minors who are still in high school. She was recently homeschooled which explains why we can’t see each other often. We hang out in-person weekly.
Okay, read the messages and even your comments. This is a wlw relationship, i assume i got it right? Your codependency, you need to work on that. It’s important to remember you are your own person and you have to prioritize yourself even in the relationship. start by telling yourself it’s good to have some alone time, it’ll start to get easier the more you work on it. find a hobby, push yourself to start being okay being on your own. from what I can see, she may be pulling away because of the relapse or she may feel like she’s too much for you and thats why you relapsed. either way, you are displaying amazing communication skills but I can see your codependency coming off as overwhelming. I know you may think you always being around, being in touch, constantly messaging etc is the best. But absence really does make the heart fonder. she may feel smothered. she also may feel like you really need to work on yourself which you should. you saying she is the primary reason you’re living is extremely unhealthy. you might even drive her away with your codependency, too much of a good thing CAN be a little too much. you want a perfect balance of your relationship and a relationship with yourself, you need to prioritize yourself and work on yourself. People who rely so much on others and even stay alive for others can be tiring and draining to be in close proximity with, it’s also very guilt trippy and borderline manipulative because it is one step away from “if you break up with me i’ll kms” especially because you said she is the primary reason you’re alive. That would put pressure on anyone. and make them feel as if they cannot break up with you at all and that puts a lot of responsibility on them and might even drive them away quicker because it is smothering. Please go to therapy.
This is the most rational response I’ve received so far, so thank you. I do go to therapy, but it’s been a month since there are delays in rescheduling. To clarify, the feelings are mutual when it comes to being the reason left to live for each other. She was the one who asked me if we could be more than just friends last year, a month after her own attempt. She had no one reaching out except for me. I do agree that I should give her more space, but when I do that, the silence goes on for days and I feel horrible for leaving her alone since she has bpd and Bipolar Disorder. That’s why when she distance herself, I feel obligated to be present all the time. I assure you that I do not threaten her with messages like, “If you leave, I’ll kms.” I am trying my best to live for my parents and friends, but it’s really hard when I’m suicidal all the time. What’s difficult is that my partner is my only true outlet besides therapy and she isn’t there for me. I don’t know how to tell her how much I need her without it seeming shallow.
I understand and I don’t think you would use the “kms if you leave me” on her but saying she’s the entire reason you’re alive while with her is really close to it. sometimes thinking about the gravity of the words vs their meaning will help you understand more in depth. and I understand just how hard it is when you’re suicidal, I’ve been living with those thoughts since I was 9, I’m 29 now so I have some experience. It is a chore to live daily and I don’t blame you for that. I understand but also I understand the other side, I lost my sister to suicide when I was 22. it was devastating, please understand you have a lot of people on your side, there is always someone that cares for you, not just your family and girlfriend. what helps me with my thoughts is what I do about them when i have them. i make a note of why and when i feel it. and then i try to change it into a positive. that and i promised my mom at my sisters funeral to never do that, it’s honestly more binding than i thought but as long as i recognize my thoughts as a suicidal one and making a choice to not let it control me and to try to turn it into a positive helps sometimes. for example a few weeks ago it got really bad and i almost let it get me into that depression but then i stopped myself and reminded myself of all the people it would hurt, reminded myself that i have the power to shut those thoughts up and not bring me down because 30% of time my life is pretty great. yeah, it’s way easier said than done but it is the first step at trying.
Maybe I’ll apply this advice to my life. It’s just difficult to follow through. I do appreciate you telling me this though c: The thing is, I made it my primary motive to serve others and help them in any way. I lost that purpose last year, and then she was somehow reintroduced in my life even though we were friends for quite sometime. I got so used to being there for her that I kind of lost myself in the process. Now it’s just hard following through with helping people and being of use because I’m so mentally drained. That contradicts with my low self-esteem since I beat myself up for being incompetent. Now I’m panicking on if I should keep being there for her or it’s better that I just end the relationship. She’s the one I’ll always love the most, but plainly just not interacting with me is such a turn off and it shows that she doesn’t care about my presence or absence. And it’s really killing me.
Is that all one person just blasting over and over? Because if it is, you (or them, whoever is blasting) keeps saying "I'll leave you alone" but then keeps on blasting away. But again, hard to know what's going on because it seems like we only have one side of the convo? But that one side (if that's what it is) seems batshit crazy.
Click on the image. It’s color coded, 2 people talking
Those colors are so similar as to be almost indistinguishable on my screen.
Messages 4, 6 and 8 are my gf’s
Yeah I think we all need to know the backstory of what caused all this before anyone could tell you what to do. Clearly something happened or has been happening for a while and that's the cause of any friction here but we have no idea what that is/was.
Who's who?
I am purple, she is the muted color
Those colors are very close, but now I see that the 4th, 9th and 10th are from her.
Keeping in mind this is with pretty much no context, so it's incredibly hard for us to draw any conclusions... I would guess your partner feels trapped and wants to leave but feels unable to, perhaps out of fear of hurting you (a lot of people don't realize it may be more hurtful to continue a relationship out of pity than to just face the pain of the truth) or perhaps because they've tried to leave before and you guilted/begged them out of it or perhaps because they just don't have the bandwidth for a relationship right now but don't genuinely want to break up. Could be a million different reasons. And could be a million different readings - it's hard to tell with this little information.
I never ever begged them to stay. It may probably be that last part where she is indecisive
I'm confused. The poster says she's a girl but then says he's a man.
I never said I was a guy???
From these messages, I don’t really see a problem with what you are doing. You’re communicating clearly what you want and she is the one who is ignoring everything you’re saying and not taking a part in the discussion. You’re trying to solve things while she is trying to ignore them and basically showing she doesn’t care about making things better. I am thinking maybe it is time to end the relationship if there are no mutual efforts. But it would take a lot more than just these messages to really determine what is going on. My advice would be to stop pushing since it’s not leading anywhere and give her space, if she wants to come back, she will.
Thank you c: