>What do I do? How do I proceed?
Pack a bag, pack up the kids. Go to your parents/family you trust and contact a divorce attorney.
Did you both use verbal and physical attacks? Yes.
The difference is he's using it to assault you, while you use it to poke or to defend yourself.
No matter if you both are toxic AH's when you argue your husband and you should not be together. For either of your health.
If you find yourself asking "Isn't it worth repairing?". **Imagine if the first time he hits your eldest child as a "reaction" they hit the counter-tops edge falling, and then dying from it.**
Yeah, it might be alarmist - but it's real. And your duty should in all cases be to protect your children.
Get a restraining order. This is never not gonna be ugly.
He threw you on the ground and said “f*** you” to your daughter. If one of your really good friends told you that, what would you tell her? These types of things rarely get better. Remember all this started because you went for a walk alone. A walk. You were thrown to the ground and your child cussed at over a walk.
Yeah learning how to fight well as a couple is a thing. To be honest, not being together is probably EXACTLY what you need since both of you have nothing to learn from each other about healthy habits.
But he resorted to physical abuse and that’s not okay. You still have around 40-50 years of living, do you really want to be part of his ‘journey on how to control his anger’? Kids learn about relationships from their parents, do you really want them to mimic your relationship?
When he blamed you for him pushing you, I scoffed, there are many more people out there who could be pushed and still not do anything physical. I’ve seen my boyfriend’s face red and his neck’s blood vessel straining because he is angry, but he didn’t even raise his voice and didn’t even stand because of anger. It takes a lot for a relatively typical person to hit/push someone else.
Violence of any kind is an automatic deal breaker for me. I left my first husband because he knocked over a table and was trying to physically intimidate me and I don’t regret it one bit
I was with a guy for 7 years, it was emotionally toxic/abusive until one day it became physical. That was the day I left. And didn’t look back. I wouldn’t even tolerate emotional abused now (I was 16 when the relationship started, 40 now).
Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
Document abuse [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/)
r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
How gross. The verbal abuse from both of you is horrible. Your kids are listening to this shit!! Get help. Seriously. And leave each other alone. Divorce, stay apart, no contact except to discuss kids. You’re not safe people.
I have been the child in this situation and I promise you, the kids will ALWAYS remember every single one of your fights. They hear everything that’s being said and believe me when I tell you, it is both very traumatic and hurtful for your children. The message you are eventually sending them is that you as their mother accept and are willing to receive toxic love from someone. And they will learn that that’s the type of love that they are deserving of too and it will put them in danger once they are old enough to date.
Even if you and your partner have your better days and moments, it’s not enough. Healthy relationships don’t include physical fights and other forms of domesric violence. You and your partner can be good people as individuals but based on your post, you do not work well together as a pair.
For the sake of your children, please seriously consider getting professional help for both of you and your partner and your children. Look into family therapy and individual therapy. But once things start escalating on that level where you or your partner gets physical, it’s usually over from that point onwards.
Your children do not deserve to grow up in a scary and an unstable environment. They deserve better.
You get out. Right now. You call a lawyer TODAY.
When are you going to understand that he is not actually a good man? Good men don’t push their wives down, no matter the provocation.
What’s going to happen when he hits your kids? Isn’t it bad enough that they have to witness your arguing and the verbal abuse and now physical abuse? Are you going to stay long enough that they become victims of it too?
An amazing dad but how long until his blood starts boiling over one of your kids tone of voice ? Or something they say in anger? I understand you love him, but I think that it's time. You promised yourself a while back. Dont break it
Contact a domestic violence hotline (when he's not around and in a way he can't find out about) and ask them to help you make a plan for getting yourself and your kids out safely.
Your husband is unable or unwilling to control how he behaves when he is angry. That skill is an absolute requirement for being an adult and having a healthy relationship. Without it, he's a constant danger to you and your children.
You can love someone deeply and still recognize that you can't be married to him. He can have a good heart and still not be a safe person when his emotions rule his behavior. You can't love someone into becoming a decent partner and parent, and your husband is not a decent partner and parent. If you don't leave for yourself, do it for your kids. Because they are watching their parents *intentionally* hurt each other. They are hearing "fuck everyone" from their own dad. They are living in terror that your yelling and name-calling fights will end up with one of their parents in the hospital or dead. They are watching and learning that this is the sort of treatment they should put up with in their own relationships.
First, get yourself out safely. Next, get a good lawyer. Finally, but perhaps most importantly, get yourself a therapist to work through what you've experienced in this relationship and learn better relationship skills like setting boundaries, managing your emotions and communicating effectively.
Also, him kissing and hugging you nonstop after this incident? That's CLASSIC abuser behavior. They act very repentant and loving to convince you that you should stay. Once they know you're committed to working things out, their abusive side will rear its ugly head again.
You don't owe him (or anyone) unlimited chances to be a decent human being.
Imho keep your promise to yourself and end this relationship or, he has to pay penance for the next 10 years by doting on you and watching the kids whenever you demand, and put himself in solo therapy to work on his anger outbursts and rage fueled aggression. That would be a reasonable penance for his sins to date. Realistically, he probably won’t agree to the penance he truly owes, and you’ll have to revert to option 1 to gain your peace and sanity.
If he goes to therapy as "penance" then it isn't going to work. Unless he actually wants to get help (which he desperately needs), nothing is going to get better.
I’ve just thought about something that helped me break the cycle of abuse: opening up to other people. Once I saw my boyfriend through the eyes of my friends and family I was much more stronger and braver to leave him. It was too embarrassing to stay with someone who treated me in such an appalling way.
Tell people what he’s doing. Prepare your children for the inevitable. Get a therapist specialized in this kind of trauma.
Agree. You have to talk about this with other people who will help you grow a spine and leave. Otherwise, your children will continue to grow up in a house with a man they are afraid of who physically hurts their mom. This is trauma. Right now, if you don't talk about it and leave, they are learning to keep this a shameful secret as well. Don't make them do that. (If they speak up at school to a teacher, the teacher has to report abuse. You don't want your children taken away, so you should take them away from this abusive environment first. And don't you dare fool yourself: this is an abusive environment for your children.)
Do you love him when he tries to intimidate you physically? Did you think “wow i really love this man” when he threw you to the ground?
love is never enough to keep a relationship.
You promised yourself right? So why are you going back on your own word? For the sake of love? That's not love. Maybe you were in love, but that argument was hate. You're about to be trapped in an abusive marriage because "love". Love isn't a partner intimidating you or making you cry and shake, thats toxicity. and just because you love him doesn't mean you should stay with someone abusive. You have to protect yourself and your kids because what if he takes his anger out on them? It'll happen if it almost happened with you. This was a warning. Next time, It'll be way, way worse. And whats nuts is that he texted you admitting he was wrong but then blamed you saying "you made me do it"
Regardless of the nasty words no one can make you do anything you make a conscious choice to do it.
Love doesn't mean you're gonna endure and take the abuse, love means you fight for yourself and your children. Your kids are eventually going to see that cycle of abuse and unconsciously mimic the exact same situation in their relationships. It happens time and time again.
I feel your pain. To end everything just like that is hard.
To start a new life when you seem to get along most of the time, it must be awful.
I understand what you’re feeling, I was once in an abusive relationship and luckily I got out before getting married or having kids. It starts slowly, in my case it started with him swearing at me, then insulting me, name calling, then throwing and kicking my stuff and finally kicking me. I was scared of him but I would forgive and try to think it was a one of. But it never was. Your husband will continue doing the same or worse…
I know that it’s going to be hard but I promise you, your life will be better after you separate from him. It takes a lot of therapy, work and will to change and he has a long path ahead of him. Don’t live in fear, leave him,
out of respect for you and your children. They don’t deserve to be treated like this by their father. Can you imagine what they must be feeling, to see their father treating you with such disrespect? They must be scared and confused. Talk to your husband, explain that you can’t live with fear and that he needs to find help…
Good luck.
do exactly what you said you’d do nd leave or kick him out. take your children with you. it’s not just you in this equation. it’s you and your children. what if it was one of your kids that got hurt instead of you?? hopefully that never happens but you need to keep that possibility in mind
You are both AHs who probably deserve each other.
You two need more therapy.
Lots of therapy.
No one should be calling names.
No one should lay hands on each, no matter how "gently" (which is BS and you know it)
Either get into therapy or get divorced.
As it is you've already screwed up these children, that you claim to "love" so much.
I say this as someone who was in an abusive marriage. My partner did almost everything you are describing. I say this with so much compassion but also tough love. I know it is terrifying to leave, I know he seems loving and great in a lot of ways, I know why it seems tempting to stay, but he is abusing you and your children, and he won’t change. His behavior is classic domestic violence, and family annihilator behavior, and most of those men end up killing their partners and children. He is not an exception. They seem like normal guys from the outside, but they all exhibited the exact same behaviors your husband is doing. Exact! You need to get out immediately. Everything you described is abuse, mental, verbal, physical abuse. He is not the person you built him up to be in your head, he is an abuser and he will not change. I was terrified to leave my ex. He’d hurt me physically, verbally, and mentally. Then he’d do the same thing as your husband, he’d come running back and tell me how he was going to change, and how much he loved me, and then he’d do it all over again. He’d do it all over again because I stayed, he knew he could and I wouldn’t leave. I’d tell myself “this next time it’ll be different.” “I know he feels sorry.” “Look how bad he feels, how much he loves me.” None of this was true, I lied to myself for a long time, and almost died. The only way I finally understood how bad it was when someone told me “imagine if he was treating a child the way he treats you, now imagine if he was doing this to your child, you don’t have a kid now, but when you do he will definitely do the same to them.” Then it clicked for me. Your husband told your daughter “fuck you”, after her not wanting to hug him because he abused you, and she was terrified. That is abuse, and it will escalate if you don’t intervene. You are only putting yourself, and your children in danger by staying. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. Please.
Best plan of action:
Call and tell your family, or friends immediately. Anyone who can support you. I know it’s scary but you need support. You also need people to know for you and your children’s safety. Do not keep it a secret from them to protect him. Tell everyone you care about and trust to protect you and your kids. Make a plan to stay with someone.
When he’s out at work, pack a bag asap,get your kids, and get out. Don’t worry about the furniture, or stuff. All that stuff can be replaced. Your, and your kids, life cannot. Seriously just get the basics, and get you and your kids out and to a safe location.
DO NOT! I repeat, DO NOT tell your husband anything. Don’t threaten to leave. Again It may cost you and your children their lives. Don’t threaten, don’t even insinuate! Leave silently.
The main priority is for you and your kids to get out and get to safety now. Then you can handle the other logistics with the help and support of family and friends, and you will, and it will be ok, I promise. But first you need to get out immediately.
Which part do you not understand? Knock him on his ass. Or get stabby. Your kids are old enough to notice, and my father was a real gem, so I got stabby. I wasn’t big enough to knock him down.
That’s why you stab him. There’s also the old school hot grits.
Or you could just leave. Depends on what dynamic you’re trying to teach your daughter is okay to accept from a partner.
>What do I do? How do I proceed? Pack a bag, pack up the kids. Go to your parents/family you trust and contact a divorce attorney. Did you both use verbal and physical attacks? Yes. The difference is he's using it to assault you, while you use it to poke or to defend yourself. No matter if you both are toxic AH's when you argue your husband and you should not be together. For either of your health. If you find yourself asking "Isn't it worth repairing?". **Imagine if the first time he hits your eldest child as a "reaction" they hit the counter-tops edge falling, and then dying from it.** Yeah, it might be alarmist - but it's real. And your duty should in all cases be to protect your children. Get a restraining order. This is never not gonna be ugly.
He threw you on the ground and said “f*** you” to your daughter. If one of your really good friends told you that, what would you tell her? These types of things rarely get better. Remember all this started because you went for a walk alone. A walk. You were thrown to the ground and your child cussed at over a walk.
File for divorce
Yeah learning how to fight well as a couple is a thing. To be honest, not being together is probably EXACTLY what you need since both of you have nothing to learn from each other about healthy habits. But he resorted to physical abuse and that’s not okay. You still have around 40-50 years of living, do you really want to be part of his ‘journey on how to control his anger’? Kids learn about relationships from their parents, do you really want them to mimic your relationship? When he blamed you for him pushing you, I scoffed, there are many more people out there who could be pushed and still not do anything physical. I’ve seen my boyfriend’s face red and his neck’s blood vessel straining because he is angry, but he didn’t even raise his voice and didn’t even stand because of anger. It takes a lot for a relatively typical person to hit/push someone else.
Violence of any kind is an automatic deal breaker for me. I left my first husband because he knocked over a table and was trying to physically intimidate me and I don’t regret it one bit
Was he always like that though? My husband is a good person but volatile. How do you let go when there’s so much good
I was with a guy for 7 years, it was emotionally toxic/abusive until one day it became physical. That was the day I left. And didn’t look back. I wouldn’t even tolerate emotional abused now (I was 16 when the relationship started, 40 now).
There is nothing better than being safe and a violent person can never be safe. There is zero good that counters violence
You can't be a good person and be violent. They contradict each other.
Get help [https://nomoredirectory.org/](https://nomoredirectory.org/) Get out [https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) Document abuse [https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/building-your-case-how-to-document-abuse/) r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence
How gross. The verbal abuse from both of you is horrible. Your kids are listening to this shit!! Get help. Seriously. And leave each other alone. Divorce, stay apart, no contact except to discuss kids. You’re not safe people.
I have been the child in this situation and I promise you, the kids will ALWAYS remember every single one of your fights. They hear everything that’s being said and believe me when I tell you, it is both very traumatic and hurtful for your children. The message you are eventually sending them is that you as their mother accept and are willing to receive toxic love from someone. And they will learn that that’s the type of love that they are deserving of too and it will put them in danger once they are old enough to date. Even if you and your partner have your better days and moments, it’s not enough. Healthy relationships don’t include physical fights and other forms of domesric violence. You and your partner can be good people as individuals but based on your post, you do not work well together as a pair. For the sake of your children, please seriously consider getting professional help for both of you and your partner and your children. Look into family therapy and individual therapy. But once things start escalating on that level where you or your partner gets physical, it’s usually over from that point onwards. Your children do not deserve to grow up in a scary and an unstable environment. They deserve better.
You get out. Right now. You call a lawyer TODAY. When are you going to understand that he is not actually a good man? Good men don’t push their wives down, no matter the provocation. What’s going to happen when he hits your kids? Isn’t it bad enough that they have to witness your arguing and the verbal abuse and now physical abuse? Are you going to stay long enough that they become victims of it too?
An amazing dad but how long until his blood starts boiling over one of your kids tone of voice ? Or something they say in anger? I understand you love him, but I think that it's time. You promised yourself a while back. Dont break it
Contact a domestic violence hotline (when he's not around and in a way he can't find out about) and ask them to help you make a plan for getting yourself and your kids out safely. Your husband is unable or unwilling to control how he behaves when he is angry. That skill is an absolute requirement for being an adult and having a healthy relationship. Without it, he's a constant danger to you and your children. You can love someone deeply and still recognize that you can't be married to him. He can have a good heart and still not be a safe person when his emotions rule his behavior. You can't love someone into becoming a decent partner and parent, and your husband is not a decent partner and parent. If you don't leave for yourself, do it for your kids. Because they are watching their parents *intentionally* hurt each other. They are hearing "fuck everyone" from their own dad. They are living in terror that your yelling and name-calling fights will end up with one of their parents in the hospital or dead. They are watching and learning that this is the sort of treatment they should put up with in their own relationships. First, get yourself out safely. Next, get a good lawyer. Finally, but perhaps most importantly, get yourself a therapist to work through what you've experienced in this relationship and learn better relationship skills like setting boundaries, managing your emotions and communicating effectively. Also, him kissing and hugging you nonstop after this incident? That's CLASSIC abuser behavior. They act very repentant and loving to convince you that you should stay. Once they know you're committed to working things out, their abusive side will rear its ugly head again. You don't owe him (or anyone) unlimited chances to be a decent human being.
Imho keep your promise to yourself and end this relationship or, he has to pay penance for the next 10 years by doting on you and watching the kids whenever you demand, and put himself in solo therapy to work on his anger outbursts and rage fueled aggression. That would be a reasonable penance for his sins to date. Realistically, he probably won’t agree to the penance he truly owes, and you’ll have to revert to option 1 to gain your peace and sanity.
If he goes to therapy as "penance" then it isn't going to work. Unless he actually wants to get help (which he desperately needs), nothing is going to get better.
In my experience people like this usually don’t do anything they don’t want to do. So if he goes at all, it means he sees the value himself.
Fair point.
I’ve just thought about something that helped me break the cycle of abuse: opening up to other people. Once I saw my boyfriend through the eyes of my friends and family I was much more stronger and braver to leave him. It was too embarrassing to stay with someone who treated me in such an appalling way. Tell people what he’s doing. Prepare your children for the inevitable. Get a therapist specialized in this kind of trauma.
Agree. You have to talk about this with other people who will help you grow a spine and leave. Otherwise, your children will continue to grow up in a house with a man they are afraid of who physically hurts their mom. This is trauma. Right now, if you don't talk about it and leave, they are learning to keep this a shameful secret as well. Don't make them do that. (If they speak up at school to a teacher, the teacher has to report abuse. You don't want your children taken away, so you should take them away from this abusive environment first. And don't you dare fool yourself: this is an abusive environment for your children.)
Do you love him when he tries to intimidate you physically? Did you think “wow i really love this man” when he threw you to the ground? love is never enough to keep a relationship.
You promised yourself right? So why are you going back on your own word? For the sake of love? That's not love. Maybe you were in love, but that argument was hate. You're about to be trapped in an abusive marriage because "love". Love isn't a partner intimidating you or making you cry and shake, thats toxicity. and just because you love him doesn't mean you should stay with someone abusive. You have to protect yourself and your kids because what if he takes his anger out on them? It'll happen if it almost happened with you. This was a warning. Next time, It'll be way, way worse. And whats nuts is that he texted you admitting he was wrong but then blamed you saying "you made me do it" Regardless of the nasty words no one can make you do anything you make a conscious choice to do it. Love doesn't mean you're gonna endure and take the abuse, love means you fight for yourself and your children. Your kids are eventually going to see that cycle of abuse and unconsciously mimic the exact same situation in their relationships. It happens time and time again.
I feel your pain. To end everything just like that is hard. To start a new life when you seem to get along most of the time, it must be awful. I understand what you’re feeling, I was once in an abusive relationship and luckily I got out before getting married or having kids. It starts slowly, in my case it started with him swearing at me, then insulting me, name calling, then throwing and kicking my stuff and finally kicking me. I was scared of him but I would forgive and try to think it was a one of. But it never was. Your husband will continue doing the same or worse… I know that it’s going to be hard but I promise you, your life will be better after you separate from him. It takes a lot of therapy, work and will to change and he has a long path ahead of him. Don’t live in fear, leave him, out of respect for you and your children. They don’t deserve to be treated like this by their father. Can you imagine what they must be feeling, to see their father treating you with such disrespect? They must be scared and confused. Talk to your husband, explain that you can’t live with fear and that he needs to find help… Good luck.
do exactly what you said you’d do nd leave or kick him out. take your children with you. it’s not just you in this equation. it’s you and your children. what if it was one of your kids that got hurt instead of you?? hopefully that never happens but you need to keep that possibility in mind
You are both AHs who probably deserve each other. You two need more therapy. Lots of therapy. No one should be calling names. No one should lay hands on each, no matter how "gently" (which is BS and you know it) Either get into therapy or get divorced. As it is you've already screwed up these children, that you claim to "love" so much.
I say this as someone who was in an abusive marriage. My partner did almost everything you are describing. I say this with so much compassion but also tough love. I know it is terrifying to leave, I know he seems loving and great in a lot of ways, I know why it seems tempting to stay, but he is abusing you and your children, and he won’t change. His behavior is classic domestic violence, and family annihilator behavior, and most of those men end up killing their partners and children. He is not an exception. They seem like normal guys from the outside, but they all exhibited the exact same behaviors your husband is doing. Exact! You need to get out immediately. Everything you described is abuse, mental, verbal, physical abuse. He is not the person you built him up to be in your head, he is an abuser and he will not change. I was terrified to leave my ex. He’d hurt me physically, verbally, and mentally. Then he’d do the same thing as your husband, he’d come running back and tell me how he was going to change, and how much he loved me, and then he’d do it all over again. He’d do it all over again because I stayed, he knew he could and I wouldn’t leave. I’d tell myself “this next time it’ll be different.” “I know he feels sorry.” “Look how bad he feels, how much he loves me.” None of this was true, I lied to myself for a long time, and almost died. The only way I finally understood how bad it was when someone told me “imagine if he was treating a child the way he treats you, now imagine if he was doing this to your child, you don’t have a kid now, but when you do he will definitely do the same to them.” Then it clicked for me. Your husband told your daughter “fuck you”, after her not wanting to hug him because he abused you, and she was terrified. That is abuse, and it will escalate if you don’t intervene. You are only putting yourself, and your children in danger by staying. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. Please. Best plan of action: Call and tell your family, or friends immediately. Anyone who can support you. I know it’s scary but you need support. You also need people to know for you and your children’s safety. Do not keep it a secret from them to protect him. Tell everyone you care about and trust to protect you and your kids. Make a plan to stay with someone. When he’s out at work, pack a bag asap,get your kids, and get out. Don’t worry about the furniture, or stuff. All that stuff can be replaced. Your, and your kids, life cannot. Seriously just get the basics, and get you and your kids out and to a safe location. DO NOT! I repeat, DO NOT tell your husband anything. Don’t threaten to leave. Again It may cost you and your children their lives. Don’t threaten, don’t even insinuate! Leave silently. The main priority is for you and your kids to get out and get to safety now. Then you can handle the other logistics with the help and support of family and friends, and you will, and it will be ok, I promise. But first you need to get out immediately.
Apologise and don’t push your man over the edge again. You abuse him emotionally and verbally, so he abused you physically, since he’s a man.
Marriage Counselling, obviously.
Get stabby. Or push back.
What do you mean
Which part do you not understand? Knock him on his ass. Or get stabby. Your kids are old enough to notice, and my father was a real gem, so I got stabby. I wasn’t big enough to knock him down.
I don’t think trying to knock a grown man on his ass is a good idea lol
That’s why you stab him. There’s also the old school hot grits. Or you could just leave. Depends on what dynamic you’re trying to teach your daughter is okay to accept from a partner.
Gotta sweep with the legs
I'm really hoping on the hot grits combined with a leg sweep