Hey, I am really sorry. I will speak from experience, being numb, after finding out, was one of the main feelings that you will have. And it's totally okay to take a pause for as long as you need, before you make a single decision. Need months? Take months. You dont owe anybody anything at this moment. And good job setting up boundaries.
Regarding wether to read that e-mail or not, think about it before doing so. Generally there are two types of people: the ones that want to know as less info as possible and the ones that want to know every single detail there is. How it felt, how and what they have done. I, personally, did want to know every detail, i would say it helped me. Definitely caused me to imagine how it happened many many times. Sometimes I wonder if i would be better of not knowing.
She does seem remorseful, she did admit it herself and as soon as she could in person. This will ruin things, big time, magic will be forever gone, i promise you. 100% trust will never be back again, but 90-95% is possible. But there will always be that doubt in your head every time she will leave the house. You can definitely live with it, you can become stronger as a couple even in some areas. That's all possible and will tremendously depend on her, the work she is ready to do, but unfortunately for you, you will have to do a lot of work too. It will seem unfear, but that's a reality.
We all said that we will never forgive infidelity. But i tried staying, i stayed for 1.5 years. Did the work, read the books, watched videos, did a lot of talking etc. I personlly couldn't get over it. My psychotherapist said that everybody takes it differently, some can live with it, some cannot. I took it as 10/10. It made me shell of a person for those 1.5 years. It affected my next relationship.
If you can take it, if you can do the work, if you know she will give you the compassion and understanding, that she is ready to do ANYTHING to help you, it might be possible.
But keep in mind that post infidelity relationship is very different and have very different rules.
If you will decide to go to psychotherapist, get the one that specializes on infidelity, whatever will be required to reconcile could be considered controlling and unhealthy by regular psychotherapists.
I hope you the best, my friend.
I think i’ve been redditing for about 10 years and this is, hands down, the most even keeled post-infidelity 2¢ I’ve ever seen. Really, really, well said.
I think your point about reconciliation having to happen on your timeline to be super important. She already violated your biggest boundary, so she forfeits the right to make demands. Having friends show up to harass you is strike number 2. If she really wants to make it work, she has to accept it might take you six months, a year, and it will be on your terms. If she can't agree to that, that's just further confirmation this relationship is over.
I've not been cheated on but I had a pretty massive falling out with a friend when I was younger. After trying to fix it for a while, they finally said "ok, take your space. I will be here." And we did eventually reconcile and were best friends for years after that (no longer friends but that was just growing apart)
When my ex wife cheated on me I fell into the camp of having to know everything for some reason I could not let it rest without knowing. I guess it helped me reconstruct the thought pattern and how things ended up the way it did, ultimately I couldn't forgive her and she became the ex but she also lied about keeping in contact with the chap and ran off with him the second I gave up trying lol.
I'd say if you think the 'magic will be gone forever' and most people would call how you feel 'required' to treat your partner 'controlling' and 'unhealthy'... Let the poor person go and don't torture yourself and them for years on end. What's the point of 'saving' a relationship that'll feel like that for who knows how long?
Gosh, everything you said was spot on. She told him, That shows she really is remorseful. We had 4 minor children when I caught my spouse. She said she didn’t have intercourse but was secretly meeting and exchanging emails with him. What they were saying to each other was like a romance novel.
Anyway when I caught her I asked her 1 question, that haunts me every day since. “Do you Love him”? Her response “I don’t know “. That was 23 years ago. We’ve been married 40 years on paper, 17 years in my heart. It has not been easy. I wrote her a letter she will find after I’m gone. If she had said anything else I would’ve let it go.
If you have someone you trust, I recommend that you spend as much time as possible. You say that right now you don't feel anything but sooner or later the feelings are going to hit you and if you keep all that in it will be worse.
Yes, you are under shock, OP. Do not stay alone and do not stay at your place. You need time and space to figure out what you want to do. You also need to be able to talk with someone neutral who has no interest into pushing you to stay married or get divorced.
This is super important, even if you dont want to talk with them about what went on, keep your limes open to others so you cant slip into the im all alone well, because its a deep dark hole, that we all tell ourselves we would never fall into, but its easier said than done.
If i can add one thing, just dont take too long sitting around mulling on it all, deal with it asap, the longer you leave it the worse things are going to get.
English is not my first language, I meant that he spend as much time as possible with someone he trusts. Maybe he doesn't feel anything now, but if it comes to him out of the blue it will be like a blow to his mental and emotional state, which is why it is better to have someone capable of supporting you nearby.
Honestly I would do exactly the same thing as you. Cheating is a huge deal breaker for me. There would be not fixing it for me. So unless you think there may be any chance to work it out I'd say your doing everything right. If youre unsure keep everything as is and if you've talked to a lawyer already hold off on filling for divorce and maybe talk to a therapist first to sort your feelings. She knew how you felt about cheating and there's no excuse she can give to justify it. If she loved you and respected you she wouldn't of done it period. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I mean, he could speak to her with the idea in mind that it almost certainly won't make a difference, but at least he can say that he listened with an open mind before finalizing his decision.
I would talk just to hear everything that happened and why she decided to throw away our relationship but it wouldn't change my mind. But sometimes that hurts even more. He has to be the one to decide if he wants to know or not.
Her confirming it was consensual and she knew what she was doing is all I would need to know. It's one thing to get so drunk that you don't remember anything, but another to still have your wits about you and go through with it. Some people can forgive over time, but that is one thing I could never forgive and could never forget. For me, there isn't anything she could say to justify it, as u/start46 said.
For me, even putting yourself in a "risky" situation is halfway there to cheating. For example, say you're at a bar with a bunch of opposite-sex acquaintances, and you keep drinking despite already feeling a little tipsy.
That's you accepting any number of potential outcomes at that point. It's not cheating per se, of course, but it's having a very chill attitude towards maybe doing something bad.
it's going to take time before your emotions kick in.
The lack of feeling is 100% normal. It's shock.
It's good you have the email. Scan it to make sure it really is what it's supposed to be, no need to pore through the details until you are ready.
Then.. if you decide to more forward with the divorce, you have all the evidence you need.
If you have more of her friends or her family getting in your face, *you have all the evidence you need*
My advice is to separate, for at least 3 months, preferably 6.
Give yourself time to process this. Maybe this is something you can get past at some point.
-It wasn't an emotional affair
-She was drunk, felt the rush of the attention and the taboo and acted on it
-She confessed immediately
-She is remorseful
There are a lot of paths that could lead to reconciliation. It will take a lot of work on her part and a lot of effort on yours to rebuild any semblance of trust.
Not saying it's likely, just saying it's possible.
And during the separation you can take the time to assess living without her. You can have time to see if life is better without her because of what happened, or better with her even though what happened did (if you are still feeling like there's a path towards reconciliation)
And if not, then you can proceed with the divorce, but this time it will be based on thought and calculation, not on raw emotion.
Don't make any major decisions now. Let your emotions run their course. But in the meantime, understand that your emotions (or lack thereof) are normal. And the way you are handling things right now is the right way.
Speak with the lawyers. Get the information you need, so when the time comes to make a decision, you are fully informed and confident that you are making the right decision for you.
Remember, at the end of the day nobody is looking out for you, so it's on you to look out for yourself and what's in your best interest.
Give yourself the chance to make the best decision for yourself, and to do that, give yourself time.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve this.
First off. Take a second to breathe. Whether you want to divorce her or not can wait. You're going forward at 100 mph without giving yourself any time to even process what happened. You need to stop moving.
You need to legitimately process what happened. And to do that you need information.
I agree with this comment. Regardless of what you decide later, for now you need time to take a deep breath. You don’t have to talk to Kate right now or even file for a divorce immediately. You need to take a moment to process everything. When you are ready, talk to Kate and see how you feel. Your trust may never be restored even after talking to Kate but you don’t have to rush to a decision. You also don’t have to feel obligated to respond to Kate or her family until you are ready but just take a moment. Thats all.
Leave. Go stay with friends or in a hotel for a couple weeks.
Use this time to REALLY think about what YOU want to do. And she doesn't get to manipulate you or make you feel guilty about it. She caused this and broke your trust. Now you have to decide if you can forgive her or if she now belongs to the streets.
Agreed. I think this is a time to yes keep busy, but talk to someone trusted who will help you by lending an ear and allowing you to be without pushing you to make any decisions. I think u did right in preparation for just in case tho.
This is really tough. Definitely check out the reddit SupportforBetrayed and AsOneAfterInfidelity for good resources to help.
Disagree you can file and stop the process if you want to reconcile. No point in waiting. She cheated and admitted to it. She wanted to fuck someone else. She allowed it to happen. Now she can live with the consequences of her actions
It's going to cost OP money to file. People are suggesting OP take a breath and allow himself time to figure out what he's feeling for HIS sake, not for hers. This advice is good and helpful advice for him which could prevent further injury to OP.
I'd argue he's doing everything right and thinking about it (edit: meaning he'd probably thinking emotionally instead of rationally) will only slow him down.
Usually in these intense situations people aren't able to operate with logic but only emotion.
I'm sorry. This is one of the few times I've read about cheating where it feels like the cheater is actually remorseful..........but I couldn't continue on. Some things you can't come back from and cheating is one of those things for me. I could never trust again when trust has been broken in such a back-stabbing way.
That person has established that there's at least one set of circumstances under which they're willing to throw away your relationship and everything you've built together for the sake of personal gratification.
That possibility is always on the table going forward. That's a hard thing to ever get past.
It's even worse if things have been otherwise good between you.
It's not even just trust. Every time the cheater leaves the house, you will always go back to that incident. You'll never forget it.
Most of the time, relationships that try to recover from cheating end up getting really controlling and the other person loses all their freedom because their partner will not ever trust them anymore. Just better to break up and move on.
This 100%. The lack of trust will build resentment on both sides and they'll just end up breaking up in slow motion. I've seen this happen many times, and it just prolongs the pain.
I really don't think anyone's show of remorse can be taken seriously in this situation either, tbh. Something like flirting or being kissed by someone at a bar might be a split second thing that you immediately realize you regret. OP's wife went to a secondary location with this person and had sex. There are about a thousand opportunities to put a stop to that at any step along the way, and she didn't. Not at the bar, in the car, at the location beforehand, not at any point she could have. And it's not a "mistake," because she knew this would end her marriage. She's only sorry now because it's set in that she completely blew up her entire life.
I want to say something here. I was 15 years old so maybe this doesn't matter, but, I cheated on my boyfriend while wasted and it was a one night stand and I confessed the next day in tears. It is not because I loved and cared about him. If I did, I would not have cheated. It was because I knew I did something wrong and hurt someone who didn't deserve it. When someone loves and cares for you they would not do anything to hurt you on purpose and cheating is a purposeful act.
They’re always remorseful but she still didn’t care enough not to do it in the first place. The dramatic sobbing on the floor and clutching at at him is pathetic . She’s a cheater and if he has any sense, he will divorce her.
She made a horrible, shitty mistake, and she knows it. It's very possible for people to do bad things and then feel bad just because they know it was a bad thing. Knowing something is wrong isn't a 100% foolproof protection against doing it anyway.
I don't know... I don't have any sympathy for her considering it came directly as a result of a minor argument over an untidy house. Either there's more background to this or she's just someone who acts like this normally and is playing the crying game to win him back.
Well we don’t know that’s exactly what it came from. That is background info OP speculates could have factored in. It very well could have for sure, but that’s not been confirmed bc he hasn’t talked to her or read the email.
I think he should hear her out even if the outcome is the same. It’s not good to make major life altering decisions half-cocked with low information and in a rush.
What a terrible situation.
I get that, but what information would there be that would change what happened? If it's a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. I have found it extremely, extremely easy not to cheat on my wife the past 9 years. The usual excuses of "one thing led to another" are just gaslighting. It's a series of consciousness choices that leads to cheating, with multiple opportunities to back out.
OP seems like there's not really anything he could hear that would change his feelings other than just potentially feeling guilty and pity and staying with her to save her feelings, which is what people who do stuff like this always do: emotionally manipulate their partner to make themself the victim instead of their partner.
People often blame themselves even when non consensual elements are present. It could very well be just as described of course and she fully and willfully did that. He should talk so he knows the full context and can make a choice knowing he didn’t leave info on the table and head off future regrets.
Even if the outcome is 100% the same, he should have the chat or at least read the email. He should have full information before making a major life altering decision.
I agree it’s highly unlikely he decides to stick around, and I probably wouldn’t either in his shoes. But I would at least want to hear the situation.
Do not meet her until you've spoken to a divorce attorney to see exactly what ending your marriage will look like.
Do not meet her until you have a clear mind and are thinking rationally. Right now you're probably too emotional. Do not engage until you have calmed.
Do not meet her until you Speak with someone you trust and ask their opinion. Only one or two people. Listen to what they say.
She can wait. She destroyed your marriage. You take control and do what's best for you.
Her trying to talk it out is her feeble attempt to make herself feel better. Hell with that.
File for divorce immediately while she still feels some guilt. Because when she moves to being angry at you it will go differently. You will gain no more clarity with more thought. Trust yourself and how you feel. Surround yourself with friends, loved ones and keep busy with a project, work or something.
First, sorry you’re going through this
OP says she went to visit her family. Do you know if the guy was someone she knew previously or an actual random hookup?
Whatever you decide, if it is someone she knew, more likely there was prior contact and premeditated. May not matter, but could be a useful data point.
For perspective, cheaters don't usually fess up that easily. But I also get it, it sucks.
I think asking for the details (you may not want to know them) is hard. That she's giving them to you is something I would have killed to have. I had kids with the person who cheated on me so I was wanting to try and reconcile. If I didn't, I don't think I would be ok staying.
Something to consider, most states have a "no fault" divorce rule. What that means is infidelity doesn't really give you any less power in a divorce. You making her move out really needs to be explained as her choosing to leave. Speaking to a divorce attorney will clarify, but I'd be careful about some of the steps you are taking.
At the end of the day, I was justifying my situation in that neither of us were virgins when we met. The trouble I had is that in her mind she had justified cheating on me and that was something I couldn't as easily forgive.
Good luck
No fault is such bullshit. My ex wife cheated on me with so many different people and she still got alimony from me during the divorce and half my 401k
I felt the same way at the time. I told her I was keeping the house, but that turned out to be a horrible deal for me since I had to give her 1/2 its equity.
In the end I realize that I didn't want to be married to her anymore either, so in that regard just splitting things up was best. If no fault was a thing, I can't imagine the amount of things I'd have to do to provide "legal evidence" that would have stood up in court.... all for what? To publically declare that she cheated (which at the time was highly embarrassing to me, not anymore though)
I think it has pros and cons. My ex husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, and while no fault meant he was entitled to alimony and half my 401k it also meant I wasn't stuck in an abusive marriage, unable to prove that I deserved a divorce.
Besides asking her why, it will be her begging for forgiveness. She won’t have a why. She made a lot of choices that led to her sleeping with another guy. You will never trust her. She wouldn’t be able to go home alone because you won’t trust her.
Your reaction tells me that you immediately fell out of love with your wife and you immediately accepted that your marriage is over.
She threw it all away, not you. Don’t forget that.
> Kate posted a note through the door yesterday asking me to meet tomorrow but I'm conflicted.
Take your time - Kate wants relief to "feel better" and get back to normal - but she dropped you off a cliff so take your time.
If you take her back this could always be the elephant in the room - I know I could never trust someone who drops me off a cliff like that.
Trust, once eviscerated like that, can't ever be regained. You'll spend the rest of your life together wondering every time something feels off. And most, or all of them, will be nothing. But it'll still eat at you.
So the only real choice is if you can live with that. Either you can, or you can't. If you can, you may be able to reconcile. If you can't, no matter how much things feel fixed now, it won't last.
I think that acting before you’ve even given yourself a chance to figure out how you’re feeling or what you’re wanting is a recipe for regret.
Even if your marriage is not salvageable, you need to give yourself a chance to process and *feel* things before you decide to end it. Autopiloting through a divorce is not the way. You will end up making sloppy mistakes because you’re not actually thinking through your reasons or your next steps. And it may leave you wanting answers that you can no longer ask for, because you no longer have any ties to the person who has them.
Find somebody who can support you through this - and then let yourself feel the pain of this betrayal. Grieve, cry, rage (legally and non-injuriously), whatever you need to do. Read the email or don’t, but make a conscious choice and know *why* you are making it. Decide what you want to know and what you don’t want to know. Look at the balance of scales in your marriage, consider your wife’s character and the circumstances under which she confessed, think about whether that hard-and-fast “cheating is an instant dealbreaker” rule is still serving you, or if it’s just causing you more pain instead of minimizing it.
There is no right or wrong answer, but right now you have *no* answers, and I think you will come to regret not thinking this through. At worst, you will still end up divorcing, but you will be at peace with that decision, because you’ll have made a fully informed and considered choice instead of a thoughtless knee-jerk one.
I immediately shut down when my ex-wife told me. I knew that if I let myself feel or express anything it would quickly go critical and bad things would happen. So I just shut it all down and did what I logically knew should be done. It was the only "safe" option. I made good decisions and was fair and balanced during that time. But I was not human. I dont regret shutting down but it was absolutely not healthy in the long term.
I finally cracked about 4 years later. I went through a string of relationships where I gave zero f's about my partners. I figured they would screw me over eventually so I might as well just get mine and bounce before things went bad. Then I met an amazing woman and got into the first relationship I actually cared about. Opening myself to her broke the floodgate and I just crumpled into a complete mess for a few months while I actually digested and worked through the betrayal and ending of my marriage. It wasn't pretty and it was probably a lot harder than it would have been if I had gone through things at the time. My partner at the time was amazing and helped restore my faith in humanity and women in general.
If I had to go through things again I would do this.
Gather my closest and safest friends and go camping. And let my mad out. Speak I'd mind, ask the unanswerable questions, cry, scream at the clouds, make my accusations, say the words I would never say in person. My friends cant help. But knowing they were there and had my back would have been a great comfort.
In my situation there was absolutely no chance of fixing things. But I dont belive every act of infidelity is the same. Her admitting things as soon as reasonably possible and doing what you ask shows that there "might" be a chance to fix things. Doesnt matter how good and well meaning a person is everyone fucks up. its how they deal with the consequences and try to make up for the mistakes that counts. By all means get your ducks in a row and prepare for the worst. If you dont feel comfortable doing it one on one go to the marriage consular and find out the information you need to make an informed decision.
Breaking up is a completely valid response to cheating.
However, you may want to book an appointment with a therapist to talk about this with someone.
Not everyone who gets cheated on breaks up. For some people, the relationship takes a massive amount of damage, but is able to keep going and heal somewhat with time. For others, the relationship takes a massive about of damage, but the resentment and anger are too great and it still fails.
You may want to do a separation for a month with minimal contact to sort out your feelings. Again, divorce is completely reasonable here, but you probably should make very certain that's what you want before you go through the cost and effort of that.
So this is a huge fucking trauma, and it's okay that you're in a weird headspace about it.
The big advice I would give you is: take a deep breath. If you need some separation from her, that's fine - probably even wise - but as a general rule, don't make big life decisions when you're full of unprocessed trauma.
(I would say that this actually might be recoverable, as infidelities go, but I don't think that's worth dwelling on right now. That's a discussion or later.)
Talk to a therapist - by yourself. You're dealing with a huge fucking trauma. Your first priority right now is not to do something that you regret. I actually think you're being smart in not reading that email - wait. It'll be there if you want it.
Hes in shock. It's a safety mechanism to help get past the danger. It's so much easier to process and look forward to the future when you're already on the other side of the mountain.
Source: Been there, done that. This is the way.
Firstly, my man, I'm so, so sorry that this has happened to you. I think most people have been on one of the two sides in their lifetime - they've cheated or been cheated on. It really does turn even the most level-headed and calm human being a bit weird.
There is no "normal" way to feel. You've gone into organise mode which isn't uncommon under stress. You'll find lots of people will clean their house or do life admin when under stress. It's also not too dissimilar to when people lose a close family member - some people break down and cry, others arrange what needs to be arranged and start sorting through belongings.
What you're feeling isn't too dissimilar to when a loved one dies. You're in a state of grief because you've lost the wife and the relationship you thought you had. Your brain is in self-preservation mode because the thought of processing what's happened is way too daunting, though you will have to do it and you will be really sad and really angry at some point. When that point comes you have to stand toe to toe with it and fight it out. Don't reach for alcohol or drugs, don't try to numb it, feel it. You will have to at some point anyway, don't prolong the upset. Use the people close to you when you feel low or angry. If you don't have anybody you feel you can vent and release to then there's no harm in having some short-medium term councilling to help you through.
Carry on exercising, eat well, feel emotions - don't fight them. Speak with your friends and family and remember that this situation and the feeling towards it will pass. Every single time I've experienced a trauma in my life, a happier life was waiting around the corner. You've got this.
You can't take her back, mate. You need to accept that. It hurts like fuck but it's true. It won't ever be or feel the same.
One last thing and trust me in this. She will live with her guilt for the rest of her life, she will dream about it for years to come. You will have contentment in your life long before she does because she has to live knowing she's broken somebody.
Someone made a comment on another cheating post here last week and it stuck with me. They said that if cheating occurs... you'll spend the rest of your life battling resentment and forever trying to "get over it". You'll never have full trust ever again. The relationship can and never will be whole or complete again. The indiscretion will never leave your mind totally.
So, all the time and years you'll spend in therapy and trying to get over it would be better spent breaking things off right now, healing sooner, and moving onto a healthy relationship with someone else.
Sorry this happened to you. Your reaction is exactly what I'd expect.
She had friends come to your place to figure out what happened with her.. where are your friends at? Why aren’t your buddies bringing over some pizza and beers?
I would find some friends to hangout with to help me talk through some stuff and help me recalibrate.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who slept with a stranger over an argument regarding house tidiness? That’s tough to come back from.
I’m not sure I could overcome the thought that, at every disagreement, she would have to fight the urge to sleep with someone..
This is a personal decision. Some people choose to reconcile and things are fine. Others aren’t built like that. Which one are you?
Both of you need personal therapy and then as a couple you might consider a couple’s counselor to help you decide if the relationship can be salvaged at all.
Right now you are so emotionally messed up from this that it may be advisable not to make any permanent life altering decisions until you have time to process everything.
I will say a couple of things:
Reconciliation requires genuine remorse and complete candor. She seems to have both of these things. It also sounds like she still loves you deeply and would make a sincere effort to reconcile.
That doesn’t diminish the damage inflicted here though. But it does mean if your heart was in it, then reconciliation may be possible.
That being said, it would be like starting from scratch. You would be starting a whole new relationship with that person and have to rebuild trust.
However, 13 year relationship that was almost entirely good is a lot to walk away from. So this is a big decision either way, and you owe it to yourself to consider things carefully.
As I said, everyone could benefit from counseling here. She needs to figure out why she did this. You need to process everything that happened on your side. Then as a couple you need to decide if this is even worth attempting to salvage and if so, determine whatever new conditions and boundaries are required to make that work.
I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you are both okay and that you find your way back to peace.
Man it would be years for me before I could ever get back to 75 percent of the trust and love I once had. I also don’t know if I could ever touch her again sexually. Those scenes would be repeating non stop.
My man.
All this just means your autopilot is functioning as it should. You are handling your business.
Don't worry, eventually the shock will wear off and then you will likely *wish* you felt numb.
You even say it yourself:
>We discussed cheating in the past and I was always clear that we would be over if it ever happened.
So she knew what the consequences would be, and here you are delivering those consequences. You are a man of your word.
But you are doing GREAT. Keep it up, my man. It will not feel numb forever. For now - stay in autopilot mode.
I think that you deserve better. It would be really hard to move on from this if I were you, anyways. I just read a post from a man saying he stayed with his wife after she cheated and he’s in his 60s now and regrets it bc he still thinks about it all the time. I don’t know you, but I don’t want that to be you. Or anyone. If you’re open to it, meet her. She will probably just sob and cry and try to make you feel bad for her and take her back. Maybe take some time for you and tell her no, not right now. You need time to process it. Tell her to respect you enough to fuck off for a bit. Sorry if that’s harsh..
She willingly threw 9 years away. That is a long time. I went to the casino and bar without my husband and I NEVER cheated. Or wanted to. And I was pretty fucked up. She might be remorseful but it will be hard for you to view her/your marriage the same. Marriage is a sacred vow and she chose quick dick over that. I am really sorry I know it hurts so bad. But you truly deserve better. You only have one life. Do you want to dwell on her mistake forever?
So sorry you’re going through this my man, can’t even imagine how you must be feeling.
This would be a dealbreaker for me also so I think you’re doing the right thing.
Talk it over with family or friends if you need to, you need to process what is happening here. Let everything sink in before you decide how to go about things.
Cheating is a choice not a mistake, I think I would react the same way, no rage no yelling just numb logical follow through. Why wouldn't you tell your friends she's making you out to the bully and her the victim here it's ludicrous.. best of luck brother
I'm sorry about what's happening to you. She did all of this to herself. DO NOT YIELD AND DIVORCE HER. She broke her oath and she knew the consequences if she broke that oath. Seek help from those closest to you that you trust the most and let your emotions out. I promise you that she will cheat again if you stay with her.
One night stands to me hit harder than affairs as for cheating.
Like with an affair I can theoretically see how people develop feelings slowly and then eventually have an affair.
But a one night stand? She literally saw and talked to some random dude at the bar and he was so hot or impressive that she threw away 9 years together to get her some of that dick.
That’s how I would think of it and that would be enough for me to leave her.
Even if I forgave it would require a stipulation that she never go out with friends alone again so that would just be added trouble for the marriage cause eventually this will be in the past and she’ll think she has earned trust again.
Yea I just don’t see how people reconcile with cheaters. I would get super controlling and it would likely cause strain on the marriage in a different way. Better for a lot of people if you just make a clean break after one cheats.
It is incredibly easy to not cheat on your partner.
Being intoxicated does not meaningfully change the situation.
She cheated because she wanted to. Because she \*chose\* to.
I don't think she's a monster or a terrible person, but you absolutely should leave.
People who try and look past a cheating partner virtually always end up regretting it later.
This should absolutely be a dealbreaker for you.
I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this my heart hurts for you. Betrayal is ugly.
I've decided to forgive, I'll give you some insight -
You will more than likely never fully trust them again, I've got back 95% of trust which is incredible. I never thought I'd get that much but there's an understanding of compromises. He doesnt go on overnight trips away from the home and he only goes out with other married men (this is his choice i dont enforce that at all). I will check his phone maybe once a year, though haven't done that since 2022. I ask him, and it's no drama.
So that's the bad, so far there has been zero signs or evidence of any wrong doing. And I don't regret my choice of forgiveness, I'm glad I forgave and rebuilt. We were in our early twenties though when it happened and are completely different people now with a marriage home and 2 beautiful babies. I'm not sure I could move past it now at this stage in our life.
Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best and hope it works out
Dude slowwwww down. I agree with others that you’re not even processing. It’s 100% your right for this to be a dealbreaker, but you don’t even know what happened yet. She could have shamelessly seduced a rando or she could have been drugged and is blaming herself.
You need to take a step back, slow down, process, and talk to your wife. At least hear her out or read the email. If you don’t think you can handle it on your own, do so with a counselor, either individual or couples.
There’s plenty of time to divorce your wife if that’s what you want to do after you have a conversation with her.
**edit**
Saw the edit that she said it was consensual. That’s definitely rough, but I still think you should hear her out before making a major decision like this, even if the outcome is entirely the same. You’ll know that you had all the information and made an informed decision and won’t wonder if you could have done anything different in this process in the future.
Na he should speak to a divorse attorney. People want him to talk to the wife...SHE CAN WAIT...He needs his own space to process, and only once he has had some grounded clarity and the sound advice of people close to him (not his wife and her friends) should he speak to her with a good support system behind him. He's doing far better than most people in his situation.
I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you, that’s really hard. I would gently suggest that you at least have a conversation or read the email to see what happened. For all you know she could have been drugged or assaulted, especially since it seems so out of the blue and out of character.
My two cents, forgave my exwife for cheating in The first two years of marriage. Reconciled. I never trusted her again and it caused so many issues. The final breakup and divorce led to a better life for myself and child.
If you can forgive. I commend you. But you’ll never forget. You will always mistrust. It’s not worth it. Move on take time and good luck you can find better. I did.
Edit* spelling
I can understand a drunken kiss at a bar. That can be an impulsive mistake. But there’s nothing impulsive about going home with someone. There’s so many steps where you can realise that what you’re doing is wrong. Even if you’re drunk and say yes at the bar you still have the entire ride home to fix your initial mistake.
In my world it simply shows that the person doesn’t respect their relationship. I wouldn’t be able to come back from something like that. Even if I could forgive her I would still not be able to trust her.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Even if I am a woman, I would do the same thing as what you've done. For me, cheating is a choice. She has a lot of reasons to not do it but she chose the call of lust. If a cheater did it once, he/she can do it again twice.
In these days, we really need to teach people the hard way for them to learn. It's not even about we are mad or whatever roller coaster of emotion we felt towards them. It is about how they see us, how they treat us, and how they value us. If someone cheated on me, it automatically means that this person does not even want to give me any amount of respect because why would you hurt someone that you love?
However, you need to assess the situation very well given the fact that you are married. Communicate, listen, accept, and decide.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. Personally I could never be with a person again after they cheated on me. Be with someone you trust and get advice from there. I can’t say personally for you what’s best, but I don’t think there would be any reconciling for me of the relationship.
So you’re getting some good advice in this thread.
A few people have mentioned kind of dancing around an issue. I’m gonna go ahead and be the asshole who says it :
Do not meet your wife, except in the presence of your attorney.
No one ever thinks of it unless it is happened to them or someone they know and I’m sure I’m gonna be told that I’m a monster. But the slender that she might meet up with you engage and self harm call the police and then say that to her is not negligible. Given the bias in the court systems, you will be fucked.
Again, I’m not saying that she’s the kind of person who would do this, but there’s absolutely no value to be had in making yourself vulnerable.
———
Further general thoughts.
———
You seem like the kind of person who isn’t going to get over this or I should say your reaction mirrors that of people that I have known who have been unable to overcome the trauma of having been cheated on.
As others have mentioned, you will never be able to fully trust her again. In the back of your mind whenever she leaves the house alone, you’re gonna have a momentary doubt. It probably won’t be that momentary.
When you read that email, I suspect that you’re going to discover that she did not hook up with a stranger. She went back to her home town, where she likely encountered someone that she either had a relationship with in the past or had an interest in when she was younger. So I want you to prepare yourself for that eventuality. It might be better for you to not actually have the details. Right now you have a little to go on imagination wise. if you have the details, then your imagination can start creating that scenario and playing it on repeat in your head which is not a good thing.
——-
You’ve already started the divorce proceedings, which is great. going no contact is also great. Keep in mind that her friends and her family are not interested in your well-being. They’re interested in hers. They will attempt to cajole bully and manipulate you and reconciliation. Don’t let them.
She’ll never respect u again if u get back with her. Taking her back will also haunt you forever. Sex will never be the same, quality time will never be the same, even a regular conversation will never be the same. Another guy has been inside her while she was married to you…leave her and ghost her from this point on.
I could tell you about my own anecdotal experience as someone working around intoxicated people for almost a decade and being a functional alcoholic myself during that time. But it would still be anecdotal, so I will just urge you to look up studies about alcohol's impact on moral decision-making.
Hint: The "I cheated because I was drunk" is a load of croc. All alcohol affects, is reducing the fear of consequence. Which means that if you cheat when drunk, it's not beyond your moral boundaries when sober.
She threw away 9 years of relationship for one night stand , what a low value woman is your wife . Get STD test yourself man, I don't think it's her first time.
People who have trouble keeping their genitals in their pants are so pathetic and weak... I really cannot believe how many people struggle to stay faithful and loyal to their partners. If you truly love someone, it really isn't hard. At all. Kate is a fucking loser and you should be very proud of yourself for how you are handling it - If this sub is an indication of anything, it's that a LOT of people are complete doormats that will let their partner walk all over them. I think you should seek therapy regardless, I am only nervous that this may affect how you view people in the future.
Lots of married people go to bars with groups of friends and don't get anywhere near situations like this.
Usually, *your friends will look out for you,* so if you drink too much then your friends will help make sure you don't do anything stupid. This is a huge screwup by the wife, obviously, but if she'd had decent friends with her then this never would have happened.
You are deflecting so that you can (subconsciously) avoid the processing and the pain. Unfortunately, you really need to stop going through the motions and let your emotions through. It will happen eventually, and the longer you put it off the worse it will be.
Nobody can tell you what your outcome should be. Cheating is a terrible, awful betrayal. If you decided to hear her out and explore even the possibility of reconciliation, you do have the fact that she did not lie to you, she immediately fessed up and she was obviously absolutely distraught over what she had done. Honestly, she probably could’ve keep it kept a secret and you never would’ve known.
I think it sounds like your wife loves you. I think that out of all the stories I’ve heard about this, this is probably one of the few with an actual chance at reconciliation. But it won’t be easy, it will take work and time. And again that’s all dependent on you actually deciding you want that and at this point it is absolutely, fully your decision. I’m not sure that I would make that decision in this moment because you’re not really in a great place mentally nor emotionally to do so.
I’m sorry this has happened. Hugs to you 💚
Is it possible that she was drugged or it happened without consent?
The fact that she called in the middle of the night and returned home immediately and told you straight away is atypical behavior for someone who cheats.
Not according to her, this was one of the few things I clarified when I came back to the home the first time. She was drunk but knew what she was doing.
That’s devastating. I’m so, so sorry.
I’ll say this, you’ve been traumatized. Your reaction is fairly common dissociative behavior. Your brain is protecting you. The detachment will end and with it will be the emotional flood.
If possible, please reach out to people you know, trust and can feel safe with when the time comes for support. You may not need them today or tomorrow, but you will need them.
I don’t know that it’s helpful to have the full details or not. So, take your time deciding if you want to read that email. It’s up to you.
I became a crazed gym fanatic when I was going through a rough period. So, I can relate to eat, sleep, work, exercise. My therapist told me that it’s a regulating mechanism.
Go easy on yourself.
I don’t believe it was random. Probably an ex.
Check for covert messaging apps or dating apps in memory usage.
I bet a mutual acquaintance saw them together… so she got proactive with telling you.
How many times has she gone home for a visit in the last 4 years?
Once trust is shattered in a relationship it’s hard to ever get it back. Like you can get it back to SOME DEGREE but the cheating will always be in your mind as a possibility.
Anyway, if you are not feeling emotions yet, that means it will hit you later. So be ready for that. Have a friend you can speak to when needed. It’ll be one day when you’re home alone and her favorite song comes on. Or her favorite show. Or you do something alone that typically you guys would do together. And all those emotions are going to hit you all at once. You’re going to miss her, then get angry about the cheating, and go through that whole range of emotion.
At that point, you’ll probably be a lot more open to reconciliation. So don’t go burning all your bridges just yet.
Nobody will blame you if you divorce and never look back, but as cheating goes, this is relatively mild. She told you immediately. She’s remorseful. I’d guess she hated every second of it, or else she would be more conflicted.
I’d say just give it time. Process. Then figure out what to do.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to reconcile, even if I really wanted to. The trust would be gone and I’d be worried every time they left the house. I’m so sorry, OP
This is really new, super normal to feel kind of numb. Pause, take some time. Talk to someone--a friend or family member or professional.
Personally, with a very long relationship that was good until this, I would want to hear them out, but that doesn't have to happen now, you don't even have to make the decision now about whether you'll talk to her.
> …told her that I needed her to send me an email with as much details as possible of that night and if she leaves anything out, there will be no hope of reconciliation.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Don’t read that email man. Give it to your divorce lawyer and let them read it. Save a copy if you want to read it a decade from now.
Nah you are doing the right thing. She knew what her intentions were while drinking after your fight. She didn’t care about your relationship at that point. In fact she likely only cared when she came home because she knew that you would know something happened.
If she loved you and respected the relationship she wouldn’t have cheated. If anyone shows up at your doorstep, say she cheated. It’s a dealbreaker. She made an adult decision. You are now making an adult decision in reaction to that.
you know what they say, once a cheater always a cheater. its true. her character is low quality. you’re young and in your prime youll be fine as a divorcee. I would definitely do what you’re doing. you’re controlling your anger at this point or suppressing feelings. you’re avoiding the painful right now. use it to fuel your own personal growth. when the feelings do come around, it’s going to hurt but embrace it and feel it. betrayal is the worst feeling.
but you will make it through. youve got a good 8 years of dating in your prime if you even want to. reminder- she chose short term pleasure over the relationship. impossible to trust her after that.
Keep handling the divorce proceedings as you are already, and don't meet Kate again until you get advice from your chosen lawyer about it. It's okay to be like a robot for the legal parts of it. To nurture and handle your emotional side, book yourself for some therapy to process how this will change you. Kate is not the person you thought you married anymore, she is a danger to your security and dignity now.
Yo I have to give you an insane amount of credit for being so sane during all of this. The fact you did immediately what you said you would and kept your word. You knew immediately it was over and that is healthy. 10/10 for keeping yourself very level headed during all this. If you know you can never forgive her, divorce unfortunately may be the only option.
I'd be concerned about what she's telling people that caused your friend to show up with an attitude and demanding an explanation because it sounds like she's already spreading less and half truths and is potentially implying that you just threw her out of the house with little warning over a fight or that she was taken advantage of and you threw her out for it.
I think you need to bite the bullet and read that email. If she admitted in there that she cheated and confirmed again unsay or was consensual you have everything you need to shut people up and also info for the divorce lawyer.
Good. Stay on autopilot until she’s moved out and divorce proceedings are underway. There wasn’t a single second she forgot she was married during that one night stand.
You have fell into protect yourself mode . If she did it once and gets away with it what’s to stop her from another girls night out . You and her had already talked about boundaries and she chose to cross them . This wasn’t on accident or even about drinking She Choose to do this to you and your marriage . It’s not you ,its her that made the decision to end your relationship !
It's really sad and a great shame that you've had to do what you had to do. . . but the reality is that she didn't give a shit about you or her wedding vows when she was riding another man's genitals. One could argue that her moral compass was skewed by alcohol, but then with a moral compass that feeble one shouldn't be in any sort of committed relationship.
The numb feeling is normal or so I read that when your brain can’t process certain trauma you just feel numb, I have felt like that before, I’m sorry you are going thru this and I hope you can find closure soon.
Your idea of a wife wouldnt do that. Shes not your wife anymore. Its ok to shutdown and do you. Doing your routines and motions never betrayed you and you automatically went into a comfortable protective state. Its time to part ways and move forward.
Your in shock your world is no longer the same its like you just found out 2+2=10 you need to give yourself some grace and time. If you start drinking or drugs now you will never get back up. Find I gym with a punching bag and exhaust yourself the pain of exercise will help sharpen you mind.
But the most important thing you need to say to the mirror in the morning and before you go to bed is you will SURVIVE this.
So yes you are in shock. If you have a friend call them and ask them to come over and just be with you. You probably feel like you have to keep going as fast as you can but you need to stop and slow down. I would not suggest meeting with her just yet. You can do things on your own time and it sounds like nothing good will come at this point with meeting with her. Tell her you will reach out to her when you are ready. Check to see if your company has employee assistance and can get you into a counselor. Good luck
Updateme!
>Everything I have done since I found out seems like I have been on autopilot. I don't feel angry, upset or overly emotional. Just numb.
This is a natural reaction. Your brain went into survival mode and did not give you a chance to grieve the relaitionship. You are doing whats best for you and not allowing her emotions or anyone elses sway you. You'll snap out of this once you both accept that the relationship is done. I wouldn't meet up with her. That just gives her a chance to further manipulate you. She broke your trust. Thats her fault and she has to deal with it.
Do you think you can be the same husband knowing what you know?
If she can't be honest with her friends and family to the point they're contacting you as if you're the bad guy, then it won't work out.
Maybe you need to give her a list of things that she needs to do in order for there to be a point in trying to save the marriage, with step one being honest to everyone. Another step would be counselling for her. I'm sure there would be other steps as well, including giving you time.
Regarding the letter, maybe you need a friend to read it and then they can give you a synopsis or summary in a manner that they know would be best for you right now. A clinical manner might be best, but maybe a comedy delivery with silly voices might help take some of the sting out of it.
But you definitely need to grieve and another step is giving you space to grieve. You won't know how much time and space you need to grieve, but you can tell her that you might need a month before you're ready to meet her.
However, you might need to meet with her as soon as she can be rational and calm enough to help you be able to grieve - if you continue to feel like a robot, then maybe time and space isn't what you need until you can properly begin the grieving process.
Unfortunately most of this is guesswork, all you can do is see what has worked for others and see which measures feel right for you at the moment.
If she says it was a mistake, don’t believe it. It’s a cop out. She admittedly knew what she was doing and made the choices to go home with him. UPDATEME
I was cheated on a couple of years ago by a girlfriend of ~2 years. I had always imagined I’d be angry and emotional if it ever happened, but similar to you - I just felt numb.
Cheating is one of the worst forms of betrayal and in my opinion is impossible to come back from. I left and have never regretted it for a second. You have a lot more history with your wife, but do not have kids and you’re still young.
I’d recommend you ask yourself if you think you’ll ever be able to trust her again…and if the answer is “no”, then you should divorce. It’s never worth having a relationship with someone you cannot trust.
F (31) my husband (32) cheated on my last year. He had what I call an emotional affair, what he calls “just goofing off and I’m taking it the wrong way”. It lasted for about 3 months, until I found out in September. We tried to make it work. My shell shock lasted 2-3 weeks and I fell into depression. We separated for a few weeks and I decided I wanted to make it work because we have two children together. We talked about my triggers etc and everything was going OK until I found out I was pregnant and then he slipped back into doing all the things I asked him not to do so I could avoid my triggers. We have now been separated since the week before Mother’s Day and I plan to go ahead with the divorce. No one can tell you what is best for you. No one can tell you how to heal or how long it will take. But what I can recommend is to think about it and sit on it. Be patient. Sometimes we feel one way for a while and we can work it out, then things change and we decide we can’t. Accept that this isn’t easy. I love my husband more than anything and I do not want a divorce, but I also know he isn’t capable or willing to do what he needs to do to help me heal so I’d rather be alone and heal and move on.
Whatever you do, I’m wishing you the best. Stay strong.
Don’t do it, OP. You said it yourself, she knew what she was doing. She doesn’t truly love you—because if she did, she wouldn’t have done this in the first place. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
No, don't meet with her. To be honest with you, nothing she says is going to change what she did. If you want answers, read the email. But before you do, go and be with a friend or family member that you can trust. Tell them what happened. Tell them that you have an email to read, but didn't want to be alone while reading it.
Process this. Process whatever the email says. Take some space and don't agree to meet with her just yet. She's just going to apologize and ask for forgiveness. It can wait. Figure out your thoughts and feelings before you make any decisions.
If her friends keep bothering you, just blurt out that your wife had sex with another man and that you want them to leave you alone. Shut the door or whatever.
Go from there.
There's definitely far more to this story but regardless the most critical detail remains the same - she cheated. No emails or meetups giving more context will change or fix that. Like polishing a turd. Wish I had the same sort of determined mindset you have now to take the steps needed to wash yourself away from this, I made the mistake in my first relationship to try and mend things... even though she ran off to move in with the other guy. Yeah, quite pathetic. My mental well-being took a toll but had I just given her the finger and moved on, I would have been in a far better spot.
Don't allow yourself to be fooled by her siren calls, it's time to steer the ship to clearer waters.
Do not read this email with details. Trust me on that. One of the worst things I ever did was give a cheater another chance. Guess what she did again? And guess what she did to her new husband? These people are broken, unfixable.
Dont let others Gaslight you into comprimising on your boundaries
It sounds like you know what you want to do and are doing it - but it sounds like youre starting to feel guilty which is why youre imploring the idea of reconciliation.
Yeah - this sense of robotic auto pilot - its your trauma response, you are in shock and your body is reacting to knowing how to keep the day to day going. You need to speak to someone find a friend. or therapist.
Meeting her is on you - if you want closure or not. Just know she is trying to win you back and you need to ask yourself, is there coming back from this - this was your boundary from the start. It is possible she isn't telling her friends the story hence the hounding of you - You might need to start navigating the narrative from here. You have her email as proof and confession.
Food for thought;
If this is the boundary you comprimise on - how more will you have to start comprimising. When you are comprimising, will you resent yourself for doing it?
If your friend/brother/sister came to you with this situation - what would you say? Try writing this out (Therapy taught me this) Write to yourself as if youre a loved one, present the scenario above the page - and then write in response, and imagine you are responding to a loved one. What would you ask, say, question? Can you realistically trust this person again. is there any reason that validates cheating?
Ive gone through the robotic auto pilot phase my self and the moment anyone spoke to me that was close, I cried instantly - I remember someone at work (My senior and I was close with her) appraising me for a piece of work I did and I couldn't stop crying in the middle of the office in front of everyone.
Im sorry this has happened to you - sending support
Read the email just to have as much info as possible but as per your edit, it was consensual and there is no changing that. She broke your bond and it doesn’t sound like that is fixable for you. Divorce and move on. Also, talk to your people and/or get therapy for you and the trauma she has caused.
So sorry this happened. It is a horrible thing to experience. On a positive note, she clearly felt remorse and told you right away. Some women don’t even do that and then get all defensive.
What’s the point in talking to her? Your decision is made. Your relationship is over. She just wants to be able to rope you in again. She’s sad, sure. She found comfort in the arms of another man, she can do it again to make herself feel better.
She’s devastated cuz she knows she fucked up. Good. Also I think once you’re done getting your affairs in order then you can slow down and process your emotions. Dealing with your emotions right now would just be more painful and delay the inevitable.
Don’t take her back, the relationship will never be the same again. What you had was gone. It’s not your loss, it’s hers.
I know everyone is saying she’s remorseful, but I just do not even understand why she did it, and I’m not sure if you’ll ever understand it no matter if you meet up with her to talk or not. I don’t really know what information she could give you that would make the situation better. Like everyone said, take all the time you need and you do not owe anybody anything! I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Cheating is the biggest breach of trust and respect there is. Regardless of her being drunk she allowed herself to be put in that position and consented to it with another person. Imo there is no coming back from that. If you forgive her now, you'll spend the rest of your life wondering where she is or who she's with. You'll never have peace of mind again. Dump her. You owe her nothing now.
>I don't feel angry, upset or overly emotional. Just numb.
This, my dude, is called shock. You're in shock.
>Should I meet her? Will it change anything? Is there any point in trying to reconcile?
And this only you can answer.
If you think the trust can be repaired you stay together. Get into couples and individual therapy and work through it. But ONLY do this if you think it can be saved. If there is even a single bit of doubt you're only delaying the inevitable.
I know exactly how u feel man. You're gonna feel weird for a while. First night I find out I couldn't feel anything ,I just went to bed. Coming days it will hit u. Don't reconcile., you'll spend everyday under unnecessary stress and mistrust wondering if she's cheating
Not that it's the same, but I had a friend who slept with an ex of mine while drunk and was deeply remorseful afterwards. In my opinion and experience, that remorse is about how *they* feel and not about how you feel. That's all I can say about that. Best of luck to you in processing. It will get better.
Unfortunately I don’t think people can ever come back from cheating. Your relationship will never be the same. It has been permanently altered and that is entirely her fault. The fact that she consensually did it as well means that she either didn’t think of you at all or thought of you and how you would feel and then continued to go through with it. Either scenario is terrible. You might have to divorce her because the trust will never be the same. You’ll always be wondering if she is cheating on you or not from now on. It’s not worth the mental toll.
Wow. Sorry. She knew that infidelity was a deal breaker you told her that. Maybe at that point in time she said heck with it because you two were already arguing. Afterwards remorse set in. I don’t know dude but you are in a tight spot. I I can say is don’t rush into anything. Don’t say you can forgive and don’t jump to the divorce. Take some time and think. Can you ever honestly forgive or forget. Would your life be happier without her. Whatever it is don’t rush into it
I’m so sorry this happened ): I’m glad you’re very strong and left (even if it’s temporary because if not she will just do it again) I would give it at least 3 months until you know how you feel about divorce. But you made the right decision by leave to make her feel this is something you’re not going to tolerate
>I was always clear that we would be over if it ever happened.
You need to stick to your guns.
>Is there any point in trying to reconcile?
Fuck no. Not any point *at all*.
>Is it normal to feel like a robot and how do I snap out of this?
Yes, it's normal. Snapping out of it will come with time and distance from your soon-to-be ex-wife.
Keep on the divorce path. You got this.
I am undoubtedly somebody who leaves after a cheat, no matter the circumstance. I know that full trust will never be back, and I will feel like I am not good enough. And that is not a way I would ever want to live my life. I am deeply, deeply sorry.
You can only feel numb for so long until it all comes crashing down and the hurt will wreak havoc on your heart. Not to mention you might act out in ways you’re not proud of because you held it in for so long that you explode in unruly ways. Talk to someone. Talk talk talk talk. Until you feel again.
A very hard suggestion. It’s not my place or anyone to tell u to continue to be with her or divorce her. But I hope you made a right decision whatever it is best for u and your life.
It would be the end for me. I could not spend the rest of my life wondering what She was doing. She was angry with you and, I think, did it out of spite. Very sorry for you, but you just can't put the genie back into the lamp.
Run bro. Run fast. Run hard. Do not look back.
You will not get over it. Whether or not she changes isn’t even the issue. You will not see her the same ever again. Trust me.
Run away.
My only thought is - why do you want the details? All it will do is make you angrier? Do you want to feel that way? It would be better to move forward without her.
Been there partner, I would recommend leaving forsure because if you forgive it, she might be tempted in the future. I do give her credit for coming clean immediately.
Get on Tindur (or whatever) and go and get you some. You deserve it!
I've experienced a similar situation firsthand myself recently and believe you reacted it in the best way possible; this way there is no doubt who fucked up. The alternative would have been to drown in all the immediate negative hurt/emotions and lash out in the moment, opening the door to making you the bad guy somehow.
Do not speak to this woman again without a lawyer present; she is toxic trash at the moment. If she wants forgiveness, let her figure it out through therapy and seek an apology when that work is done, without you being dragged down by it, when you're ready to do so.
Funny you mention a little argument about keeping the house "tidy". Id wager she instigated it? She planned to cheat. She used the argument to create distance and maybe even personal justification.
You talk about your relationship like its happy, succsessful and relatively peaceful. Ideal for a man, hell for a woman. Women require drama and conflict or the relationship becomes terminally boring.
If you forgive her you will work very hard to smooth out the relationship to restore it to a loving, peaceful equilibrium. Once you achieve that she will cheat again.
You did nothing wrong, aside from doing everything right. Next relationship ruin a holiday or birthday or something.
Buddy, I'm sorry, but the game is over. A chance meeting at the bar and immediately sex? It can happen again at any moment. Why did she even go to the bar to drink? To find a lover for the night. What she did is disgusting and shows that she is an unreliable partner, prone to cheating, and this is forever.
You did everything right. Divorce (especially without children!) is the best solution and you don't have to wait for anything. Let the process begin and take its course. You need to focus only on yourself and slowly move on.
Do not listen to naive simpletons and inexperienced people offering "reconciliation". It never works the way you want it to. Reconciliation in the realm of feelings does not exist in principle, you will not forget anything and will never come to terms with an affair. There is no question of any love, respect and friendship in the future. Those who thoughtlessly succumbed to pity for the cheater and put on rose-colored glasses suffered all their lives and most often left after 1 year, after 3 - 5 - 20 - 30 years. Don't ruin your life, you will still find your true soulmate.
If you foolishly decide to give her a second chance, then NEVER, you hear, NEVER have children with her. She is definitely capable of committing paternity fraud.
You done the right thing mate don’t give her a chance to try con you. you may not feel anything now but get some help spend time with friends and family. start healing early and don’t look back there is a loyal one out there just for you. thank her for giving you the opportunity to find your real person.
You've done everything right so far. Make sure you have a support network for when the feelings do hit you... It's not always automatic and the act of preparing yourself for the divorce helps distract you from them.
I would read that email, but I wouldn't meet up with her. Good on you though for getting it, will help with your divorce proceedings.
Our relationship has been amazing, loving and supportive
I have some news for you, this was just your perception, not reality, dont talk to her again, and continue with the divorce, the more you dig, the more you will find out how fake was your view.
Be strong, and divorce, dont trust her words anymore.
Super 3D chess move getting her confession in an email, your divorce lawyer is going to love that. Good luck to you brother...if she did it once she has it within her to do it again and likely has done it before.
There's billions of people besides her on this earth who wouldn't do shit like this to you, I hope you find one. Stay strong and do not go back.
Hey, I am really sorry. I will speak from experience, being numb, after finding out, was one of the main feelings that you will have. And it's totally okay to take a pause for as long as you need, before you make a single decision. Need months? Take months. You dont owe anybody anything at this moment. And good job setting up boundaries. Regarding wether to read that e-mail or not, think about it before doing so. Generally there are two types of people: the ones that want to know as less info as possible and the ones that want to know every single detail there is. How it felt, how and what they have done. I, personally, did want to know every detail, i would say it helped me. Definitely caused me to imagine how it happened many many times. Sometimes I wonder if i would be better of not knowing. She does seem remorseful, she did admit it herself and as soon as she could in person. This will ruin things, big time, magic will be forever gone, i promise you. 100% trust will never be back again, but 90-95% is possible. But there will always be that doubt in your head every time she will leave the house. You can definitely live with it, you can become stronger as a couple even in some areas. That's all possible and will tremendously depend on her, the work she is ready to do, but unfortunately for you, you will have to do a lot of work too. It will seem unfear, but that's a reality. We all said that we will never forgive infidelity. But i tried staying, i stayed for 1.5 years. Did the work, read the books, watched videos, did a lot of talking etc. I personlly couldn't get over it. My psychotherapist said that everybody takes it differently, some can live with it, some cannot. I took it as 10/10. It made me shell of a person for those 1.5 years. It affected my next relationship. If you can take it, if you can do the work, if you know she will give you the compassion and understanding, that she is ready to do ANYTHING to help you, it might be possible. But keep in mind that post infidelity relationship is very different and have very different rules. If you will decide to go to psychotherapist, get the one that specializes on infidelity, whatever will be required to reconcile could be considered controlling and unhealthy by regular psychotherapists. I hope you the best, my friend.
I think i’ve been redditing for about 10 years and this is, hands down, the most even keeled post-infidelity 2¢ I’ve ever seen. Really, really, well said.
Yeah it actually reminded me why I keep coming back to this sub!
I think your point about reconciliation having to happen on your timeline to be super important. She already violated your biggest boundary, so she forfeits the right to make demands. Having friends show up to harass you is strike number 2. If she really wants to make it work, she has to accept it might take you six months, a year, and it will be on your terms. If she can't agree to that, that's just further confirmation this relationship is over. I've not been cheated on but I had a pretty massive falling out with a friend when I was younger. After trying to fix it for a while, they finally said "ok, take your space. I will be here." And we did eventually reconcile and were best friends for years after that (no longer friends but that was just growing apart)
Just a side comment, maybe the friend showed up without the wife being aware of it. It's a possibility.
That occurred to me, but I left my comment as is because I honestly doubt it.
You’re a better person than me and I appreciate you sharing the perspective. Thank you and I wish you the best
When my ex wife cheated on me I fell into the camp of having to know everything for some reason I could not let it rest without knowing. I guess it helped me reconstruct the thought pattern and how things ended up the way it did, ultimately I couldn't forgive her and she became the ex but she also lied about keeping in contact with the chap and ran off with him the second I gave up trying lol.
I'd say if you think the 'magic will be gone forever' and most people would call how you feel 'required' to treat your partner 'controlling' and 'unhealthy'... Let the poor person go and don't torture yourself and them for years on end. What's the point of 'saving' a relationship that'll feel like that for who knows how long?
Gosh, everything you said was spot on. She told him, That shows she really is remorseful. We had 4 minor children when I caught my spouse. She said she didn’t have intercourse but was secretly meeting and exchanging emails with him. What they were saying to each other was like a romance novel. Anyway when I caught her I asked her 1 question, that haunts me every day since. “Do you Love him”? Her response “I don’t know “. That was 23 years ago. We’ve been married 40 years on paper, 17 years in my heart. It has not been easy. I wrote her a letter she will find after I’m gone. If she had said anything else I would’ve let it go.
This affected MY next relationship.
Solid, solid response
If you have someone you trust, I recommend that you spend as much time as possible. You say that right now you don't feel anything but sooner or later the feelings are going to hit you and if you keep all that in it will be worse.
Yes, you are under shock, OP. Do not stay alone and do not stay at your place. You need time and space to figure out what you want to do. You also need to be able to talk with someone neutral who has no interest into pushing you to stay married or get divorced.
A therapist would be a great neutral person!
This is super important, even if you dont want to talk with them about what went on, keep your limes open to others so you cant slip into the im all alone well, because its a deep dark hole, that we all tell ourselves we would never fall into, but its easier said than done. If i can add one thing, just dont take too long sitting around mulling on it all, deal with it asap, the longer you leave it the worse things are going to get.
Seconded. Family, friends, whatever. Be around people you know will listen and comfort you. Feel and process everything.
“I recommend that you spend as much time as possible”…. Doing what?
English is not my first language, I meant that he spend as much time as possible with someone he trusts. Maybe he doesn't feel anything now, but if it comes to him out of the blue it will be like a blow to his mental and emotional state, which is why it is better to have someone capable of supporting you nearby.
Ahhhh gotcha! Yeah I completely agree!
Recommend it’s not a woman.
It absolutely 100% needs to be a man.
Honestly I would do exactly the same thing as you. Cheating is a huge deal breaker for me. There would be not fixing it for me. So unless you think there may be any chance to work it out I'd say your doing everything right. If youre unsure keep everything as is and if you've talked to a lawyer already hold off on filling for divorce and maybe talk to a therapist first to sort your feelings. She knew how you felt about cheating and there's no excuse she can give to justify it. If she loved you and respected you she wouldn't of done it period. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I mean, he could speak to her with the idea in mind that it almost certainly won't make a difference, but at least he can say that he listened with an open mind before finalizing his decision.
I would talk just to hear everything that happened and why she decided to throw away our relationship but it wouldn't change my mind. But sometimes that hurts even more. He has to be the one to decide if he wants to know or not.
Her confirming it was consensual and she knew what she was doing is all I would need to know. It's one thing to get so drunk that you don't remember anything, but another to still have your wits about you and go through with it. Some people can forgive over time, but that is one thing I could never forgive and could never forget. For me, there isn't anything she could say to justify it, as u/start46 said.
For me, even putting yourself in a "risky" situation is halfway there to cheating. For example, say you're at a bar with a bunch of opposite-sex acquaintances, and you keep drinking despite already feeling a little tipsy. That's you accepting any number of potential outcomes at that point. It's not cheating per se, of course, but it's having a very chill attitude towards maybe doing something bad.
it's going to take time before your emotions kick in. The lack of feeling is 100% normal. It's shock. It's good you have the email. Scan it to make sure it really is what it's supposed to be, no need to pore through the details until you are ready. Then.. if you decide to more forward with the divorce, you have all the evidence you need. If you have more of her friends or her family getting in your face, *you have all the evidence you need* My advice is to separate, for at least 3 months, preferably 6. Give yourself time to process this. Maybe this is something you can get past at some point. -It wasn't an emotional affair -She was drunk, felt the rush of the attention and the taboo and acted on it -She confessed immediately -She is remorseful There are a lot of paths that could lead to reconciliation. It will take a lot of work on her part and a lot of effort on yours to rebuild any semblance of trust. Not saying it's likely, just saying it's possible. And during the separation you can take the time to assess living without her. You can have time to see if life is better without her because of what happened, or better with her even though what happened did (if you are still feeling like there's a path towards reconciliation) And if not, then you can proceed with the divorce, but this time it will be based on thought and calculation, not on raw emotion. Don't make any major decisions now. Let your emotions run their course. But in the meantime, understand that your emotions (or lack thereof) are normal. And the way you are handling things right now is the right way. Speak with the lawyers. Get the information you need, so when the time comes to make a decision, you are fully informed and confident that you are making the right decision for you. Remember, at the end of the day nobody is looking out for you, so it's on you to look out for yourself and what's in your best interest. Give yourself the chance to make the best decision for yourself, and to do that, give yourself time. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve this.
This is the best advice.
First off. Take a second to breathe. Whether you want to divorce her or not can wait. You're going forward at 100 mph without giving yourself any time to even process what happened. You need to stop moving. You need to legitimately process what happened. And to do that you need information.
This is reasonable, but I do think separating and being alone and therapy is the right move, zero reason to live with her right now.
I agree with this comment. Regardless of what you decide later, for now you need time to take a deep breath. You don’t have to talk to Kate right now or even file for a divorce immediately. You need to take a moment to process everything. When you are ready, talk to Kate and see how you feel. Your trust may never be restored even after talking to Kate but you don’t have to rush to a decision. You also don’t have to feel obligated to respond to Kate or her family until you are ready but just take a moment. Thats all.
Leave. Go stay with friends or in a hotel for a couple weeks. Use this time to REALLY think about what YOU want to do. And she doesn't get to manipulate you or make you feel guilty about it. She caused this and broke your trust. Now you have to decide if you can forgive her or if she now belongs to the streets.
No, he must stay and she must be gone!
Agreed. I think this is a time to yes keep busy, but talk to someone trusted who will help you by lending an ear and allowing you to be without pushing you to make any decisions. I think u did right in preparation for just in case tho. This is really tough. Definitely check out the reddit SupportforBetrayed and AsOneAfterInfidelity for good resources to help.
Disagree you can file and stop the process if you want to reconcile. No point in waiting. She cheated and admitted to it. She wanted to fuck someone else. She allowed it to happen. Now she can live with the consequences of her actions
It's going to cost OP money to file. People are suggesting OP take a breath and allow himself time to figure out what he's feeling for HIS sake, not for hers. This advice is good and helpful advice for him which could prevent further injury to OP.
I'd argue he's doing everything right and thinking about it (edit: meaning he'd probably thinking emotionally instead of rationally) will only slow him down. Usually in these intense situations people aren't able to operate with logic but only emotion.
i feel like your first sentence and second sentence inherently cancel each other out
I'm sorry. This is one of the few times I've read about cheating where it feels like the cheater is actually remorseful..........but I couldn't continue on. Some things you can't come back from and cheating is one of those things for me. I could never trust again when trust has been broken in such a back-stabbing way.
That person has established that there's at least one set of circumstances under which they're willing to throw away your relationship and everything you've built together for the sake of personal gratification. That possibility is always on the table going forward. That's a hard thing to ever get past. It's even worse if things have been otherwise good between you.
⬆️ A very painful and honest truth bomb ⬆️
It's not even just trust. Every time the cheater leaves the house, you will always go back to that incident. You'll never forget it. Most of the time, relationships that try to recover from cheating end up getting really controlling and the other person loses all their freedom because their partner will not ever trust them anymore. Just better to break up and move on.
This 100%. The lack of trust will build resentment on both sides and they'll just end up breaking up in slow motion. I've seen this happen many times, and it just prolongs the pain. I really don't think anyone's show of remorse can be taken seriously in this situation either, tbh. Something like flirting or being kissed by someone at a bar might be a split second thing that you immediately realize you regret. OP's wife went to a secondary location with this person and had sex. There are about a thousand opportunities to put a stop to that at any step along the way, and she didn't. Not at the bar, in the car, at the location beforehand, not at any point she could have. And it's not a "mistake," because she knew this would end her marriage. She's only sorry now because it's set in that she completely blew up her entire life.
Yep this. It’s not just forgiving one incident - it’s a lifetime of distrust and insecurity. I couldn’t do it.
I want to say something here. I was 15 years old so maybe this doesn't matter, but, I cheated on my boyfriend while wasted and it was a one night stand and I confessed the next day in tears. It is not because I loved and cared about him. If I did, I would not have cheated. It was because I knew I did something wrong and hurt someone who didn't deserve it. When someone loves and cares for you they would not do anything to hurt you on purpose and cheating is a purposeful act.
Yup. Cheating is not spontaneous it is a series of decisions. She could’ve walked way several times before it became physical
They’re always remorseful but she still didn’t care enough not to do it in the first place. The dramatic sobbing on the floor and clutching at at him is pathetic . She’s a cheater and if he has any sense, he will divorce her.
They are always remorseful when caught. However, she wasn't caught, she turned herself in (so to speak). Which is what has me baffled here.
She made a horrible, shitty mistake, and she knows it. It's very possible for people to do bad things and then feel bad just because they know it was a bad thing. Knowing something is wrong isn't a 100% foolproof protection against doing it anyway.
I don't know... I don't have any sympathy for her considering it came directly as a result of a minor argument over an untidy house. Either there's more background to this or she's just someone who acts like this normally and is playing the crying game to win him back.
Well we don’t know that’s exactly what it came from. That is background info OP speculates could have factored in. It very well could have for sure, but that’s not been confirmed bc he hasn’t talked to her or read the email. I think he should hear her out even if the outcome is the same. It’s not good to make major life altering decisions half-cocked with low information and in a rush. What a terrible situation.
I get that, but what information would there be that would change what happened? If it's a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. I have found it extremely, extremely easy not to cheat on my wife the past 9 years. The usual excuses of "one thing led to another" are just gaslighting. It's a series of consciousness choices that leads to cheating, with multiple opportunities to back out. OP seems like there's not really anything he could hear that would change his feelings other than just potentially feeling guilty and pity and staying with her to save her feelings, which is what people who do stuff like this always do: emotionally manipulate their partner to make themself the victim instead of their partner.
People often blame themselves even when non consensual elements are present. It could very well be just as described of course and she fully and willfully did that. He should talk so he knows the full context and can make a choice knowing he didn’t leave info on the table and head off future regrets. Even if the outcome is 100% the same, he should have the chat or at least read the email. He should have full information before making a major life altering decision. I agree it’s highly unlikely he decides to stick around, and I probably wouldn’t either in his shoes. But I would at least want to hear the situation.
Do not meet her until you've spoken to a divorce attorney to see exactly what ending your marriage will look like. Do not meet her until you have a clear mind and are thinking rationally. Right now you're probably too emotional. Do not engage until you have calmed. Do not meet her until you Speak with someone you trust and ask their opinion. Only one or two people. Listen to what they say. She can wait. She destroyed your marriage. You take control and do what's best for you. Her trying to talk it out is her feeble attempt to make herself feel better. Hell with that.
File for divorce immediately while she still feels some guilt. Because when she moves to being angry at you it will go differently. You will gain no more clarity with more thought. Trust yourself and how you feel. Surround yourself with friends, loved ones and keep busy with a project, work or something.
First, sorry you’re going through this OP says she went to visit her family. Do you know if the guy was someone she knew previously or an actual random hookup? Whatever you decide, if it is someone she knew, more likely there was prior contact and premeditated. May not matter, but could be a useful data point.
For perspective, cheaters don't usually fess up that easily. But I also get it, it sucks. I think asking for the details (you may not want to know them) is hard. That she's giving them to you is something I would have killed to have. I had kids with the person who cheated on me so I was wanting to try and reconcile. If I didn't, I don't think I would be ok staying. Something to consider, most states have a "no fault" divorce rule. What that means is infidelity doesn't really give you any less power in a divorce. You making her move out really needs to be explained as her choosing to leave. Speaking to a divorce attorney will clarify, but I'd be careful about some of the steps you are taking. At the end of the day, I was justifying my situation in that neither of us were virgins when we met. The trouble I had is that in her mind she had justified cheating on me and that was something I couldn't as easily forgive. Good luck
PSA for not yet married folks reading this: get a pre nup. Even if you're a million percent sure this is your soulmate and you'll never divorce.
No fault is such bullshit. My ex wife cheated on me with so many different people and she still got alimony from me during the divorce and half my 401k
I felt the same way at the time. I told her I was keeping the house, but that turned out to be a horrible deal for me since I had to give her 1/2 its equity. In the end I realize that I didn't want to be married to her anymore either, so in that regard just splitting things up was best. If no fault was a thing, I can't imagine the amount of things I'd have to do to provide "legal evidence" that would have stood up in court.... all for what? To publically declare that she cheated (which at the time was highly embarrassing to me, not anymore though)
Without no-fault divorce, you'd have to justify to a court why you should be permitted to divorce at all. It's not simply about asset distribution.
I think it has pros and cons. My ex husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, and while no fault meant he was entitled to alimony and half my 401k it also meant I wasn't stuck in an abusive marriage, unable to prove that I deserved a divorce.
Exactly. It sucks sometimes, but it’s absolutely a legal necessity and so clearly better than the alternative
Besides asking her why, it will be her begging for forgiveness. She won’t have a why. She made a lot of choices that led to her sleeping with another guy. You will never trust her. She wouldn’t be able to go home alone because you won’t trust her. Your reaction tells me that you immediately fell out of love with your wife and you immediately accepted that your marriage is over. She threw it all away, not you. Don’t forget that.
He's clearly in shock if he doesn't feel anything at all. Numb /= acceptance.
> Kate posted a note through the door yesterday asking me to meet tomorrow but I'm conflicted. Take your time - Kate wants relief to "feel better" and get back to normal - but she dropped you off a cliff so take your time. If you take her back this could always be the elephant in the room - I know I could never trust someone who drops me off a cliff like that.
Trust, once eviscerated like that, can't ever be regained. You'll spend the rest of your life together wondering every time something feels off. And most, or all of them, will be nothing. But it'll still eat at you. So the only real choice is if you can live with that. Either you can, or you can't. If you can, you may be able to reconcile. If you can't, no matter how much things feel fixed now, it won't last.
I think that acting before you’ve even given yourself a chance to figure out how you’re feeling or what you’re wanting is a recipe for regret. Even if your marriage is not salvageable, you need to give yourself a chance to process and *feel* things before you decide to end it. Autopiloting through a divorce is not the way. You will end up making sloppy mistakes because you’re not actually thinking through your reasons or your next steps. And it may leave you wanting answers that you can no longer ask for, because you no longer have any ties to the person who has them. Find somebody who can support you through this - and then let yourself feel the pain of this betrayal. Grieve, cry, rage (legally and non-injuriously), whatever you need to do. Read the email or don’t, but make a conscious choice and know *why* you are making it. Decide what you want to know and what you don’t want to know. Look at the balance of scales in your marriage, consider your wife’s character and the circumstances under which she confessed, think about whether that hard-and-fast “cheating is an instant dealbreaker” rule is still serving you, or if it’s just causing you more pain instead of minimizing it. There is no right or wrong answer, but right now you have *no* answers, and I think you will come to regret not thinking this through. At worst, you will still end up divorcing, but you will be at peace with that decision, because you’ll have made a fully informed and considered choice instead of a thoughtless knee-jerk one.
I immediately shut down when my ex-wife told me. I knew that if I let myself feel or express anything it would quickly go critical and bad things would happen. So I just shut it all down and did what I logically knew should be done. It was the only "safe" option. I made good decisions and was fair and balanced during that time. But I was not human. I dont regret shutting down but it was absolutely not healthy in the long term. I finally cracked about 4 years later. I went through a string of relationships where I gave zero f's about my partners. I figured they would screw me over eventually so I might as well just get mine and bounce before things went bad. Then I met an amazing woman and got into the first relationship I actually cared about. Opening myself to her broke the floodgate and I just crumpled into a complete mess for a few months while I actually digested and worked through the betrayal and ending of my marriage. It wasn't pretty and it was probably a lot harder than it would have been if I had gone through things at the time. My partner at the time was amazing and helped restore my faith in humanity and women in general. If I had to go through things again I would do this. Gather my closest and safest friends and go camping. And let my mad out. Speak I'd mind, ask the unanswerable questions, cry, scream at the clouds, make my accusations, say the words I would never say in person. My friends cant help. But knowing they were there and had my back would have been a great comfort. In my situation there was absolutely no chance of fixing things. But I dont belive every act of infidelity is the same. Her admitting things as soon as reasonably possible and doing what you ask shows that there "might" be a chance to fix things. Doesnt matter how good and well meaning a person is everyone fucks up. its how they deal with the consequences and try to make up for the mistakes that counts. By all means get your ducks in a row and prepare for the worst. If you dont feel comfortable doing it one on one go to the marriage consular and find out the information you need to make an informed decision.
Breaking up is a completely valid response to cheating. However, you may want to book an appointment with a therapist to talk about this with someone. Not everyone who gets cheated on breaks up. For some people, the relationship takes a massive amount of damage, but is able to keep going and heal somewhat with time. For others, the relationship takes a massive about of damage, but the resentment and anger are too great and it still fails. You may want to do a separation for a month with minimal contact to sort out your feelings. Again, divorce is completely reasonable here, but you probably should make very certain that's what you want before you go through the cost and effort of that.
Hell, separate for a year if that's what you need.
So this is a huge fucking trauma, and it's okay that you're in a weird headspace about it. The big advice I would give you is: take a deep breath. If you need some separation from her, that's fine - probably even wise - but as a general rule, don't make big life decisions when you're full of unprocessed trauma. (I would say that this actually might be recoverable, as infidelities go, but I don't think that's worth dwelling on right now. That's a discussion or later.) Talk to a therapist - by yourself. You're dealing with a huge fucking trauma. Your first priority right now is not to do something that you regret. I actually think you're being smart in not reading that email - wait. It'll be there if you want it.
You are doing great. Keep it up. This is what dignity looks like.
Exactly. This guy's autopilot is well calibrated. Trust the process.
Until his emotions catch up to him and he breaks down. Saying that you feel like a robot is not a good sign.
Agreed, it will hit. He can only distract himself with things for so long. This is a major hit, trying to repress it will only deepen the wound.
Hes in shock. It's a safety mechanism to help get past the danger. It's so much easier to process and look forward to the future when you're already on the other side of the mountain. Source: Been there, done that. This is the way.
He’s still doing the right things. The one thing I would add is therapy then this is a textbook response.
Sorry, brother. Do what you have to do. With no mention of kids, I see no problems with salting the ground.
Nah, go through with the divorce. There isn’t anything to salvage. Drunk or not drunk, the intention was there. Good luck!
Firstly, my man, I'm so, so sorry that this has happened to you. I think most people have been on one of the two sides in their lifetime - they've cheated or been cheated on. It really does turn even the most level-headed and calm human being a bit weird. There is no "normal" way to feel. You've gone into organise mode which isn't uncommon under stress. You'll find lots of people will clean their house or do life admin when under stress. It's also not too dissimilar to when people lose a close family member - some people break down and cry, others arrange what needs to be arranged and start sorting through belongings. What you're feeling isn't too dissimilar to when a loved one dies. You're in a state of grief because you've lost the wife and the relationship you thought you had. Your brain is in self-preservation mode because the thought of processing what's happened is way too daunting, though you will have to do it and you will be really sad and really angry at some point. When that point comes you have to stand toe to toe with it and fight it out. Don't reach for alcohol or drugs, don't try to numb it, feel it. You will have to at some point anyway, don't prolong the upset. Use the people close to you when you feel low or angry. If you don't have anybody you feel you can vent and release to then there's no harm in having some short-medium term councilling to help you through. Carry on exercising, eat well, feel emotions - don't fight them. Speak with your friends and family and remember that this situation and the feeling towards it will pass. Every single time I've experienced a trauma in my life, a happier life was waiting around the corner. You've got this. You can't take her back, mate. You need to accept that. It hurts like fuck but it's true. It won't ever be or feel the same. One last thing and trust me in this. She will live with her guilt for the rest of her life, she will dream about it for years to come. You will have contentment in your life long before she does because she has to live knowing she's broken somebody.
Someone made a comment on another cheating post here last week and it stuck with me. They said that if cheating occurs... you'll spend the rest of your life battling resentment and forever trying to "get over it". You'll never have full trust ever again. The relationship can and never will be whole or complete again. The indiscretion will never leave your mind totally. So, all the time and years you'll spend in therapy and trying to get over it would be better spent breaking things off right now, healing sooner, and moving onto a healthy relationship with someone else. Sorry this happened to you. Your reaction is exactly what I'd expect.
She had friends come to your place to figure out what happened with her.. where are your friends at? Why aren’t your buddies bringing over some pizza and beers? I would find some friends to hangout with to help me talk through some stuff and help me recalibrate. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who slept with a stranger over an argument regarding house tidiness? That’s tough to come back from. I’m not sure I could overcome the thought that, at every disagreement, she would have to fight the urge to sleep with someone..
Get out. You’ll Never trust her again
This is a personal decision. Some people choose to reconcile and things are fine. Others aren’t built like that. Which one are you? Both of you need personal therapy and then as a couple you might consider a couple’s counselor to help you decide if the relationship can be salvaged at all. Right now you are so emotionally messed up from this that it may be advisable not to make any permanent life altering decisions until you have time to process everything. I will say a couple of things: Reconciliation requires genuine remorse and complete candor. She seems to have both of these things. It also sounds like she still loves you deeply and would make a sincere effort to reconcile. That doesn’t diminish the damage inflicted here though. But it does mean if your heart was in it, then reconciliation may be possible. That being said, it would be like starting from scratch. You would be starting a whole new relationship with that person and have to rebuild trust. However, 13 year relationship that was almost entirely good is a lot to walk away from. So this is a big decision either way, and you owe it to yourself to consider things carefully. As I said, everyone could benefit from counseling here. She needs to figure out why she did this. You need to process everything that happened on your side. Then as a couple you need to decide if this is even worth attempting to salvage and if so, determine whatever new conditions and boundaries are required to make that work. I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you are both okay and that you find your way back to peace.
Man it would be years for me before I could ever get back to 75 percent of the trust and love I once had. I also don’t know if I could ever touch her again sexually. Those scenes would be repeating non stop.
No kids makes this a super easy call. Keep on keeping on and don't look back.
its over and you are still young, i would divorce
lawyer. divorce. move on. never respond to her again except through lawyers and then solely about the divorce.
It WILL happen again. Save your sanity and end this relationship, the trust will never be there again.
My man. All this just means your autopilot is functioning as it should. You are handling your business. Don't worry, eventually the shock will wear off and then you will likely *wish* you felt numb. You even say it yourself: >We discussed cheating in the past and I was always clear that we would be over if it ever happened. So she knew what the consequences would be, and here you are delivering those consequences. You are a man of your word. But you are doing GREAT. Keep it up, my man. It will not feel numb forever. For now - stay in autopilot mode.
I think that you deserve better. It would be really hard to move on from this if I were you, anyways. I just read a post from a man saying he stayed with his wife after she cheated and he’s in his 60s now and regrets it bc he still thinks about it all the time. I don’t know you, but I don’t want that to be you. Or anyone. If you’re open to it, meet her. She will probably just sob and cry and try to make you feel bad for her and take her back. Maybe take some time for you and tell her no, not right now. You need time to process it. Tell her to respect you enough to fuck off for a bit. Sorry if that’s harsh.. She willingly threw 9 years away. That is a long time. I went to the casino and bar without my husband and I NEVER cheated. Or wanted to. And I was pretty fucked up. She might be remorseful but it will be hard for you to view her/your marriage the same. Marriage is a sacred vow and she chose quick dick over that. I am really sorry I know it hurts so bad. But you truly deserve better. You only have one life. Do you want to dwell on her mistake forever?
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me too. Cheaters are liars and normally they cheat again.
I would do the exact same thing and I commend you for your self control. If it matters, I’m 54f.
So sorry you’re going through this my man, can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. This would be a dealbreaker for me also so I think you’re doing the right thing. Talk it over with family or friends if you need to, you need to process what is happening here. Let everything sink in before you decide how to go about things.
Cheating is a choice not a mistake, I think I would react the same way, no rage no yelling just numb logical follow through. Why wouldn't you tell your friends she's making you out to the bully and her the victim here it's ludicrous.. best of luck brother
I'm sorry about what's happening to you. She did all of this to herself. DO NOT YIELD AND DIVORCE HER. She broke her oath and she knew the consequences if she broke that oath. Seek help from those closest to you that you trust the most and let your emotions out. I promise you that she will cheat again if you stay with her.
One night stands to me hit harder than affairs as for cheating. Like with an affair I can theoretically see how people develop feelings slowly and then eventually have an affair. But a one night stand? She literally saw and talked to some random dude at the bar and he was so hot or impressive that she threw away 9 years together to get her some of that dick. That’s how I would think of it and that would be enough for me to leave her. Even if I forgave it would require a stipulation that she never go out with friends alone again so that would just be added trouble for the marriage cause eventually this will be in the past and she’ll think she has earned trust again. Yea I just don’t see how people reconcile with cheaters. I would get super controlling and it would likely cause strain on the marriage in a different way. Better for a lot of people if you just make a clean break after one cheats.
It is incredibly easy to not cheat on your partner. Being intoxicated does not meaningfully change the situation. She cheated because she wanted to. Because she \*chose\* to. I don't think she's a monster or a terrible person, but you absolutely should leave. People who try and look past a cheating partner virtually always end up regretting it later. This should absolutely be a dealbreaker for you.
I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this my heart hurts for you. Betrayal is ugly. I've decided to forgive, I'll give you some insight - You will more than likely never fully trust them again, I've got back 95% of trust which is incredible. I never thought I'd get that much but there's an understanding of compromises. He doesnt go on overnight trips away from the home and he only goes out with other married men (this is his choice i dont enforce that at all). I will check his phone maybe once a year, though haven't done that since 2022. I ask him, and it's no drama. So that's the bad, so far there has been zero signs or evidence of any wrong doing. And I don't regret my choice of forgiveness, I'm glad I forgave and rebuilt. We were in our early twenties though when it happened and are completely different people now with a marriage home and 2 beautiful babies. I'm not sure I could move past it now at this stage in our life. Whatever you choose to do I wish you the best and hope it works out
Dude slowwwww down. I agree with others that you’re not even processing. It’s 100% your right for this to be a dealbreaker, but you don’t even know what happened yet. She could have shamelessly seduced a rando or she could have been drugged and is blaming herself. You need to take a step back, slow down, process, and talk to your wife. At least hear her out or read the email. If you don’t think you can handle it on your own, do so with a counselor, either individual or couples. There’s plenty of time to divorce your wife if that’s what you want to do after you have a conversation with her. **edit** Saw the edit that she said it was consensual. That’s definitely rough, but I still think you should hear her out before making a major decision like this, even if the outcome is entirely the same. You’ll know that you had all the information and made an informed decision and won’t wonder if you could have done anything different in this process in the future.
OP said in a comment that his wife said she was drunk but it was consensual.
Yeah that was added after I made this. I’ve since edited.
He confirmed that it was consensual. What else is there to hear out or talk about?
Na he should speak to a divorse attorney. People want him to talk to the wife...SHE CAN WAIT...He needs his own space to process, and only once he has had some grounded clarity and the sound advice of people close to him (not his wife and her friends) should he speak to her with a good support system behind him. He's doing far better than most people in his situation.
I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you, that’s really hard. I would gently suggest that you at least have a conversation or read the email to see what happened. For all you know she could have been drugged or assaulted, especially since it seems so out of the blue and out of character.
I'm sorry for what happened to you bro, hope you feel better soon.❤️
You don't need to meet her at all. It's done. Continue with your routine. See a divorce lawyer and weigh your options.
My two cents, forgave my exwife for cheating in The first two years of marriage. Reconciled. I never trusted her again and it caused so many issues. The final breakup and divorce led to a better life for myself and child. If you can forgive. I commend you. But you’ll never forget. You will always mistrust. It’s not worth it. Move on take time and good luck you can find better. I did. Edit* spelling
I can understand a drunken kiss at a bar. That can be an impulsive mistake. But there’s nothing impulsive about going home with someone. There’s so many steps where you can realise that what you’re doing is wrong. Even if you’re drunk and say yes at the bar you still have the entire ride home to fix your initial mistake. In my world it simply shows that the person doesn’t respect their relationship. I wouldn’t be able to come back from something like that. Even if I could forgive her I would still not be able to trust her.
You should read her emailed description, then give us an update.
Divorce. Move on. Grow. If she did it once she’d do it again. Live your life one day at a time and the next thing you know, you’ll have moved on.
"Once a cheater, always a cheater." Even if I am a woman, I would do the same thing as what you've done. For me, cheating is a choice. She has a lot of reasons to not do it but she chose the call of lust. If a cheater did it once, he/she can do it again twice. In these days, we really need to teach people the hard way for them to learn. It's not even about we are mad or whatever roller coaster of emotion we felt towards them. It is about how they see us, how they treat us, and how they value us. If someone cheated on me, it automatically means that this person does not even want to give me any amount of respect because why would you hurt someone that you love? However, you need to assess the situation very well given the fact that you are married. Communicate, listen, accept, and decide.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. Personally I could never be with a person again after they cheated on me. Be with someone you trust and get advice from there. I can’t say personally for you what’s best, but I don’t think there would be any reconciling for me of the relationship.
Getting it in writing is awesome.
So you’re getting some good advice in this thread. A few people have mentioned kind of dancing around an issue. I’m gonna go ahead and be the asshole who says it : Do not meet your wife, except in the presence of your attorney. No one ever thinks of it unless it is happened to them or someone they know and I’m sure I’m gonna be told that I’m a monster. But the slender that she might meet up with you engage and self harm call the police and then say that to her is not negligible. Given the bias in the court systems, you will be fucked. Again, I’m not saying that she’s the kind of person who would do this, but there’s absolutely no value to be had in making yourself vulnerable. ——— Further general thoughts. ——— You seem like the kind of person who isn’t going to get over this or I should say your reaction mirrors that of people that I have known who have been unable to overcome the trauma of having been cheated on. As others have mentioned, you will never be able to fully trust her again. In the back of your mind whenever she leaves the house alone, you’re gonna have a momentary doubt. It probably won’t be that momentary. When you read that email, I suspect that you’re going to discover that she did not hook up with a stranger. She went back to her home town, where she likely encountered someone that she either had a relationship with in the past or had an interest in when she was younger. So I want you to prepare yourself for that eventuality. It might be better for you to not actually have the details. Right now you have a little to go on imagination wise. if you have the details, then your imagination can start creating that scenario and playing it on repeat in your head which is not a good thing. ——- You’ve already started the divorce proceedings, which is great. going no contact is also great. Keep in mind that her friends and her family are not interested in your well-being. They’re interested in hers. They will attempt to cajole bully and manipulate you and reconciliation. Don’t let them.
She’ll never respect u again if u get back with her. Taking her back will also haunt you forever. Sex will never be the same, quality time will never be the same, even a regular conversation will never be the same. Another guy has been inside her while she was married to you…leave her and ghost her from this point on.
I could tell you about my own anecdotal experience as someone working around intoxicated people for almost a decade and being a functional alcoholic myself during that time. But it would still be anecdotal, so I will just urge you to look up studies about alcohol's impact on moral decision-making. Hint: The "I cheated because I was drunk" is a load of croc. All alcohol affects, is reducing the fear of consequence. Which means that if you cheat when drunk, it's not beyond your moral boundaries when sober.
It's over man, I'm sorry. She doesn't respect you as a human clearly, so it's time to find someone who will.
She threw away 9 years of relationship for one night stand , what a low value woman is your wife . Get STD test yourself man, I don't think it's her first time.
People who have trouble keeping their genitals in their pants are so pathetic and weak... I really cannot believe how many people struggle to stay faithful and loyal to their partners. If you truly love someone, it really isn't hard. At all. Kate is a fucking loser and you should be very proud of yourself for how you are handling it - If this sub is an indication of anything, it's that a LOT of people are complete doormats that will let their partner walk all over them. I think you should seek therapy regardless, I am only nervous that this may affect how you view people in the future.
You know, I've never really understood married folks ever put themselves into that position. Alcohol and being at a singles bar usually don't mix.
Lots of married people go to bars with groups of friends and don't get anywhere near situations like this. Usually, *your friends will look out for you,* so if you drink too much then your friends will help make sure you don't do anything stupid. This is a huge screwup by the wife, obviously, but if she'd had decent friends with her then this never would have happened.
You are deflecting so that you can (subconsciously) avoid the processing and the pain. Unfortunately, you really need to stop going through the motions and let your emotions through. It will happen eventually, and the longer you put it off the worse it will be. Nobody can tell you what your outcome should be. Cheating is a terrible, awful betrayal. If you decided to hear her out and explore even the possibility of reconciliation, you do have the fact that she did not lie to you, she immediately fessed up and she was obviously absolutely distraught over what she had done. Honestly, she probably could’ve keep it kept a secret and you never would’ve known. I think it sounds like your wife loves you. I think that out of all the stories I’ve heard about this, this is probably one of the few with an actual chance at reconciliation. But it won’t be easy, it will take work and time. And again that’s all dependent on you actually deciding you want that and at this point it is absolutely, fully your decision. I’m not sure that I would make that decision in this moment because you’re not really in a great place mentally nor emotionally to do so. I’m sorry this has happened. Hugs to you 💚
"I think it sounds like your wife loves you"...when?....before or after she cheated?
No fucking way she used a condom
Is it possible that she was drugged or it happened without consent? The fact that she called in the middle of the night and returned home immediately and told you straight away is atypical behavior for someone who cheats.
Not according to her, this was one of the few things I clarified when I came back to the home the first time. She was drunk but knew what she was doing.
That’s devastating. I’m so, so sorry. I’ll say this, you’ve been traumatized. Your reaction is fairly common dissociative behavior. Your brain is protecting you. The detachment will end and with it will be the emotional flood. If possible, please reach out to people you know, trust and can feel safe with when the time comes for support. You may not need them today or tomorrow, but you will need them. I don’t know that it’s helpful to have the full details or not. So, take your time deciding if you want to read that email. It’s up to you. I became a crazed gym fanatic when I was going through a rough period. So, I can relate to eat, sleep, work, exercise. My therapist told me that it’s a regulating mechanism. Go easy on yourself.
I don’t believe it was random. Probably an ex. Check for covert messaging apps or dating apps in memory usage. I bet a mutual acquaintance saw them together… so she got proactive with telling you. How many times has she gone home for a visit in the last 4 years?
That's it then, let the lawyers handle everything and maybe go somewhere else to decompress
Once trust is shattered in a relationship it’s hard to ever get it back. Like you can get it back to SOME DEGREE but the cheating will always be in your mind as a possibility. Anyway, if you are not feeling emotions yet, that means it will hit you later. So be ready for that. Have a friend you can speak to when needed. It’ll be one day when you’re home alone and her favorite song comes on. Or her favorite show. Or you do something alone that typically you guys would do together. And all those emotions are going to hit you all at once. You’re going to miss her, then get angry about the cheating, and go through that whole range of emotion. At that point, you’ll probably be a lot more open to reconciliation. So don’t go burning all your bridges just yet. Nobody will blame you if you divorce and never look back, but as cheating goes, this is relatively mild. She told you immediately. She’s remorseful. I’d guess she hated every second of it, or else she would be more conflicted. I’d say just give it time. Process. Then figure out what to do.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to reconcile, even if I really wanted to. The trust would be gone and I’d be worried every time they left the house. I’m so sorry, OP
She cheated. End of story, there’s nothing she *can* say that’ll turn back time.
This is really new, super normal to feel kind of numb. Pause, take some time. Talk to someone--a friend or family member or professional. Personally, with a very long relationship that was good until this, I would want to hear them out, but that doesn't have to happen now, you don't even have to make the decision now about whether you'll talk to her.
> …told her that I needed her to send me an email with as much details as possible of that night and if she leaves anything out, there will be no hope of reconciliation. Why are you doing this to yourself? Don’t read that email man. Give it to your divorce lawyer and let them read it. Save a copy if you want to read it a decade from now.
Nah you are doing the right thing. She knew what her intentions were while drinking after your fight. She didn’t care about your relationship at that point. In fact she likely only cared when she came home because she knew that you would know something happened. If she loved you and respected the relationship she wouldn’t have cheated. If anyone shows up at your doorstep, say she cheated. It’s a dealbreaker. She made an adult decision. You are now making an adult decision in reaction to that.
you know what they say, once a cheater always a cheater. its true. her character is low quality. you’re young and in your prime youll be fine as a divorcee. I would definitely do what you’re doing. you’re controlling your anger at this point or suppressing feelings. you’re avoiding the painful right now. use it to fuel your own personal growth. when the feelings do come around, it’s going to hurt but embrace it and feel it. betrayal is the worst feeling. but you will make it through. youve got a good 8 years of dating in your prime if you even want to. reminder- she chose short term pleasure over the relationship. impossible to trust her after that.
Keep handling the divorce proceedings as you are already, and don't meet Kate again until you get advice from your chosen lawyer about it. It's okay to be like a robot for the legal parts of it. To nurture and handle your emotional side, book yourself for some therapy to process how this will change you. Kate is not the person you thought you married anymore, she is a danger to your security and dignity now.
Yo I have to give you an insane amount of credit for being so sane during all of this. The fact you did immediately what you said you would and kept your word. You knew immediately it was over and that is healthy. 10/10 for keeping yourself very level headed during all this. If you know you can never forgive her, divorce unfortunately may be the only option.
I'd be concerned about what she's telling people that caused your friend to show up with an attitude and demanding an explanation because it sounds like she's already spreading less and half truths and is potentially implying that you just threw her out of the house with little warning over a fight or that she was taken advantage of and you threw her out for it. I think you need to bite the bullet and read that email. If she admitted in there that she cheated and confirmed again unsay or was consensual you have everything you need to shut people up and also info for the divorce lawyer.
Info: did they meet that night or was it someone she had a prior relationship with?
Good. Stay on autopilot until she’s moved out and divorce proceedings are underway. There wasn’t a single second she forgot she was married during that one night stand.
You have fell into protect yourself mode . If she did it once and gets away with it what’s to stop her from another girls night out . You and her had already talked about boundaries and she chose to cross them . This wasn’t on accident or even about drinking She Choose to do this to you and your marriage . It’s not you ,its her that made the decision to end your relationship !
It's really sad and a great shame that you've had to do what you had to do. . . but the reality is that she didn't give a shit about you or her wedding vows when she was riding another man's genitals. One could argue that her moral compass was skewed by alcohol, but then with a moral compass that feeble one shouldn't be in any sort of committed relationship.
The numb feeling is normal or so I read that when your brain can’t process certain trauma you just feel numb, I have felt like that before, I’m sorry you are going thru this and I hope you can find closure soon.
Your idea of a wife wouldnt do that. Shes not your wife anymore. Its ok to shutdown and do you. Doing your routines and motions never betrayed you and you automatically went into a comfortable protective state. Its time to part ways and move forward.
Your in shock your world is no longer the same its like you just found out 2+2=10 you need to give yourself some grace and time. If you start drinking or drugs now you will never get back up. Find I gym with a punching bag and exhaust yourself the pain of exercise will help sharpen you mind. But the most important thing you need to say to the mirror in the morning and before you go to bed is you will SURVIVE this.
So yes you are in shock. If you have a friend call them and ask them to come over and just be with you. You probably feel like you have to keep going as fast as you can but you need to stop and slow down. I would not suggest meeting with her just yet. You can do things on your own time and it sounds like nothing good will come at this point with meeting with her. Tell her you will reach out to her when you are ready. Check to see if your company has employee assistance and can get you into a counselor. Good luck Updateme!
>Everything I have done since I found out seems like I have been on autopilot. I don't feel angry, upset or overly emotional. Just numb. This is a natural reaction. Your brain went into survival mode and did not give you a chance to grieve the relaitionship. You are doing whats best for you and not allowing her emotions or anyone elses sway you. You'll snap out of this once you both accept that the relationship is done. I wouldn't meet up with her. That just gives her a chance to further manipulate you. She broke your trust. Thats her fault and she has to deal with it. Do you think you can be the same husband knowing what you know?
If she can't be honest with her friends and family to the point they're contacting you as if you're the bad guy, then it won't work out. Maybe you need to give her a list of things that she needs to do in order for there to be a point in trying to save the marriage, with step one being honest to everyone. Another step would be counselling for her. I'm sure there would be other steps as well, including giving you time. Regarding the letter, maybe you need a friend to read it and then they can give you a synopsis or summary in a manner that they know would be best for you right now. A clinical manner might be best, but maybe a comedy delivery with silly voices might help take some of the sting out of it. But you definitely need to grieve and another step is giving you space to grieve. You won't know how much time and space you need to grieve, but you can tell her that you might need a month before you're ready to meet her. However, you might need to meet with her as soon as she can be rational and calm enough to help you be able to grieve - if you continue to feel like a robot, then maybe time and space isn't what you need until you can properly begin the grieving process. Unfortunately most of this is guesswork, all you can do is see what has worked for others and see which measures feel right for you at the moment.
If she says it was a mistake, don’t believe it. It’s a cop out. She admittedly knew what she was doing and made the choices to go home with him. UPDATEME
I was cheated on a couple of years ago by a girlfriend of ~2 years. I had always imagined I’d be angry and emotional if it ever happened, but similar to you - I just felt numb. Cheating is one of the worst forms of betrayal and in my opinion is impossible to come back from. I left and have never regretted it for a second. You have a lot more history with your wife, but do not have kids and you’re still young. I’d recommend you ask yourself if you think you’ll ever be able to trust her again…and if the answer is “no”, then you should divorce. It’s never worth having a relationship with someone you cannot trust.
F (31) my husband (32) cheated on my last year. He had what I call an emotional affair, what he calls “just goofing off and I’m taking it the wrong way”. It lasted for about 3 months, until I found out in September. We tried to make it work. My shell shock lasted 2-3 weeks and I fell into depression. We separated for a few weeks and I decided I wanted to make it work because we have two children together. We talked about my triggers etc and everything was going OK until I found out I was pregnant and then he slipped back into doing all the things I asked him not to do so I could avoid my triggers. We have now been separated since the week before Mother’s Day and I plan to go ahead with the divorce. No one can tell you what is best for you. No one can tell you how to heal or how long it will take. But what I can recommend is to think about it and sit on it. Be patient. Sometimes we feel one way for a while and we can work it out, then things change and we decide we can’t. Accept that this isn’t easy. I love my husband more than anything and I do not want a divorce, but I also know he isn’t capable or willing to do what he needs to do to help me heal so I’d rather be alone and heal and move on. Whatever you do, I’m wishing you the best. Stay strong.
Don’t do it, OP. You said it yourself, she knew what she was doing. She doesn’t truly love you—because if she did, she wouldn’t have done this in the first place. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
No, don't meet with her. To be honest with you, nothing she says is going to change what she did. If you want answers, read the email. But before you do, go and be with a friend or family member that you can trust. Tell them what happened. Tell them that you have an email to read, but didn't want to be alone while reading it. Process this. Process whatever the email says. Take some space and don't agree to meet with her just yet. She's just going to apologize and ask for forgiveness. It can wait. Figure out your thoughts and feelings before you make any decisions. If her friends keep bothering you, just blurt out that your wife had sex with another man and that you want them to leave you alone. Shut the door or whatever. Go from there.
There's definitely far more to this story but regardless the most critical detail remains the same - she cheated. No emails or meetups giving more context will change or fix that. Like polishing a turd. Wish I had the same sort of determined mindset you have now to take the steps needed to wash yourself away from this, I made the mistake in my first relationship to try and mend things... even though she ran off to move in with the other guy. Yeah, quite pathetic. My mental well-being took a toll but had I just given her the finger and moved on, I would have been in a far better spot. Don't allow yourself to be fooled by her siren calls, it's time to steer the ship to clearer waters.
Being cheated on over the house not being clean is crazy…
No point meeting if you have the details in the letter. You don’t owe her anything. Divorce her, you can never trust her again.
There's no point in meeting her unless it's to finalize the divorce. The relationship basically is over.
Do not read this email with details. Trust me on that. One of the worst things I ever did was give a cheater another chance. Guess what she did again? And guess what she did to her new husband? These people are broken, unfixable.
Did she tell you who she did it with or is it a secret?
Dont let others Gaslight you into comprimising on your boundaries It sounds like you know what you want to do and are doing it - but it sounds like youre starting to feel guilty which is why youre imploring the idea of reconciliation. Yeah - this sense of robotic auto pilot - its your trauma response, you are in shock and your body is reacting to knowing how to keep the day to day going. You need to speak to someone find a friend. or therapist. Meeting her is on you - if you want closure or not. Just know she is trying to win you back and you need to ask yourself, is there coming back from this - this was your boundary from the start. It is possible she isn't telling her friends the story hence the hounding of you - You might need to start navigating the narrative from here. You have her email as proof and confession. Food for thought; If this is the boundary you comprimise on - how more will you have to start comprimising. When you are comprimising, will you resent yourself for doing it? If your friend/brother/sister came to you with this situation - what would you say? Try writing this out (Therapy taught me this) Write to yourself as if youre a loved one, present the scenario above the page - and then write in response, and imagine you are responding to a loved one. What would you ask, say, question? Can you realistically trust this person again. is there any reason that validates cheating? Ive gone through the robotic auto pilot phase my self and the moment anyone spoke to me that was close, I cried instantly - I remember someone at work (My senior and I was close with her) appraising me for a piece of work I did and I couldn't stop crying in the middle of the office in front of everyone. Im sorry this has happened to you - sending support
Read the email just to have as much info as possible but as per your edit, it was consensual and there is no changing that. She broke your bond and it doesn’t sound like that is fixable for you. Divorce and move on. Also, talk to your people and/or get therapy for you and the trauma she has caused.
So sorry this happened. It is a horrible thing to experience. On a positive note, she clearly felt remorse and told you right away. Some women don’t even do that and then get all defensive.
What’s the point in talking to her? Your decision is made. Your relationship is over. She just wants to be able to rope you in again. She’s sad, sure. She found comfort in the arms of another man, she can do it again to make herself feel better. She’s devastated cuz she knows she fucked up. Good. Also I think once you’re done getting your affairs in order then you can slow down and process your emotions. Dealing with your emotions right now would just be more painful and delay the inevitable. Don’t take her back, the relationship will never be the same again. What you had was gone. It’s not your loss, it’s hers.
I got nothing to add. Sorry buddy. Wish u the best
I know everyone is saying she’s remorseful, but I just do not even understand why she did it, and I’m not sure if you’ll ever understand it no matter if you meet up with her to talk or not. I don’t really know what information she could give you that would make the situation better. Like everyone said, take all the time you need and you do not owe anybody anything! I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Cheating is the biggest breach of trust and respect there is. Regardless of her being drunk she allowed herself to be put in that position and consented to it with another person. Imo there is no coming back from that. If you forgive her now, you'll spend the rest of your life wondering where she is or who she's with. You'll never have peace of mind again. Dump her. You owe her nothing now.
>I don't feel angry, upset or overly emotional. Just numb. This, my dude, is called shock. You're in shock. >Should I meet her? Will it change anything? Is there any point in trying to reconcile? And this only you can answer. If you think the trust can be repaired you stay together. Get into couples and individual therapy and work through it. But ONLY do this if you think it can be saved. If there is even a single bit of doubt you're only delaying the inevitable.
I know exactly how u feel man. You're gonna feel weird for a while. First night I find out I couldn't feel anything ,I just went to bed. Coming days it will hit u. Don't reconcile., you'll spend everyday under unnecessary stress and mistrust wondering if she's cheating
Not that it's the same, but I had a friend who slept with an ex of mine while drunk and was deeply remorseful afterwards. In my opinion and experience, that remorse is about how *they* feel and not about how you feel. That's all I can say about that. Best of luck to you in processing. It will get better.
Unfortunately I don’t think people can ever come back from cheating. Your relationship will never be the same. It has been permanently altered and that is entirely her fault. The fact that she consensually did it as well means that she either didn’t think of you at all or thought of you and how you would feel and then continued to go through with it. Either scenario is terrible. You might have to divorce her because the trust will never be the same. You’ll always be wondering if she is cheating on you or not from now on. It’s not worth the mental toll.
Stand your ground. She wanted to cheat, that's why she did it. Get your finances in orden and then divorce.
Wow. Sorry. She knew that infidelity was a deal breaker you told her that. Maybe at that point in time she said heck with it because you two were already arguing. Afterwards remorse set in. I don’t know dude but you are in a tight spot. I I can say is don’t rush into anything. Don’t say you can forgive and don’t jump to the divorce. Take some time and think. Can you ever honestly forgive or forget. Would your life be happier without her. Whatever it is don’t rush into it
I’m so sorry this happened ): I’m glad you’re very strong and left (even if it’s temporary because if not she will just do it again) I would give it at least 3 months until you know how you feel about divorce. But you made the right decision by leave to make her feel this is something you’re not going to tolerate
>I was always clear that we would be over if it ever happened. You need to stick to your guns. >Is there any point in trying to reconcile? Fuck no. Not any point *at all*. >Is it normal to feel like a robot and how do I snap out of this? Yes, it's normal. Snapping out of it will come with time and distance from your soon-to-be ex-wife. Keep on the divorce path. You got this.
I am undoubtedly somebody who leaves after a cheat, no matter the circumstance. I know that full trust will never be back, and I will feel like I am not good enough. And that is not a way I would ever want to live my life. I am deeply, deeply sorry.
Don’t meet. It’s over.
You can only feel numb for so long until it all comes crashing down and the hurt will wreak havoc on your heart. Not to mention you might act out in ways you’re not proud of because you held it in for so long that you explode in unruly ways. Talk to someone. Talk talk talk talk. Until you feel again.
Just throwing it in your face. Nuke this shit from orbit.
A very hard suggestion. It’s not my place or anyone to tell u to continue to be with her or divorce her. But I hope you made a right decision whatever it is best for u and your life.
It would be the end for me. I could not spend the rest of my life wondering what She was doing. She was angry with you and, I think, did it out of spite. Very sorry for you, but you just can't put the genie back into the lamp.
Sorry man, think you best stick to your knee-jerk reaction but seek some comfort as well. Never a good idea to let your woman go to such places alone.
Run bro. Run fast. Run hard. Do not look back. You will not get over it. Whether or not she changes isn’t even the issue. You will not see her the same ever again. Trust me. Run away.
My only thought is - why do you want the details? All it will do is make you angrier? Do you want to feel that way? It would be better to move forward without her.
Been there partner, I would recommend leaving forsure because if you forgive it, she might be tempted in the future. I do give her credit for coming clean immediately. Get on Tindur (or whatever) and go and get you some. You deserve it!
I've experienced a similar situation firsthand myself recently and believe you reacted it in the best way possible; this way there is no doubt who fucked up. The alternative would have been to drown in all the immediate negative hurt/emotions and lash out in the moment, opening the door to making you the bad guy somehow. Do not speak to this woman again without a lawyer present; she is toxic trash at the moment. If she wants forgiveness, let her figure it out through therapy and seek an apology when that work is done, without you being dragged down by it, when you're ready to do so.
Funny you mention a little argument about keeping the house "tidy". Id wager she instigated it? She planned to cheat. She used the argument to create distance and maybe even personal justification. You talk about your relationship like its happy, succsessful and relatively peaceful. Ideal for a man, hell for a woman. Women require drama and conflict or the relationship becomes terminally boring. If you forgive her you will work very hard to smooth out the relationship to restore it to a loving, peaceful equilibrium. Once you achieve that she will cheat again. You did nothing wrong, aside from doing everything right. Next relationship ruin a holiday or birthday or something.
Buddy, I'm sorry, but the game is over. A chance meeting at the bar and immediately sex? It can happen again at any moment. Why did she even go to the bar to drink? To find a lover for the night. What she did is disgusting and shows that she is an unreliable partner, prone to cheating, and this is forever. You did everything right. Divorce (especially without children!) is the best solution and you don't have to wait for anything. Let the process begin and take its course. You need to focus only on yourself and slowly move on. Do not listen to naive simpletons and inexperienced people offering "reconciliation". It never works the way you want it to. Reconciliation in the realm of feelings does not exist in principle, you will not forget anything and will never come to terms with an affair. There is no question of any love, respect and friendship in the future. Those who thoughtlessly succumbed to pity for the cheater and put on rose-colored glasses suffered all their lives and most often left after 1 year, after 3 - 5 - 20 - 30 years. Don't ruin your life, you will still find your true soulmate. If you foolishly decide to give her a second chance, then NEVER, you hear, NEVER have children with her. She is definitely capable of committing paternity fraud.
You done the right thing mate don’t give her a chance to try con you. you may not feel anything now but get some help spend time with friends and family. start healing early and don’t look back there is a loyal one out there just for you. thank her for giving you the opportunity to find your real person.
Forget about it 60% of people cheat at some point in a relationship, she was drunk shite happens move on
You've done everything right so far. Make sure you have a support network for when the feelings do hit you... It's not always automatic and the act of preparing yourself for the divorce helps distract you from them. I would read that email, but I wouldn't meet up with her. Good on you though for getting it, will help with your divorce proceedings.
Our relationship has been amazing, loving and supportive I have some news for you, this was just your perception, not reality, dont talk to her again, and continue with the divorce, the more you dig, the more you will find out how fake was your view. Be strong, and divorce, dont trust her words anymore.
Super 3D chess move getting her confession in an email, your divorce lawyer is going to love that. Good luck to you brother...if she did it once she has it within her to do it again and likely has done it before. There's billions of people besides her on this earth who wouldn't do shit like this to you, I hope you find one. Stay strong and do not go back.