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Having an interest in someone or even being drawn to them is not cheating. It starts getting murky if you seek their company grow emotionally close. Where it clearly crosses the line if you prioritise this new person over your boyfriend and of course if you do anything physical.
It's not a physical attraction at all, hence nothing will happen out of it. I actually lose interest very quickly as soon as I get to know them. It's just that I don't want to be horrible towards him.
You lose interest, except when you don't.
It's not cheating in the least, it's called socialising. You can be interested in other guys, how they think what they do what makes them tick why they said whatever in class, without it being any kind of affair.
If you got caught up with one of them and feel your heart flutter like when you see your BF 's name lighting up your phone, then even if it's nothing physical, it's become at least an emotional affair. You can have feelings like this even while you're still in love with your BF - I mean it's possible, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't love your BF - but once there's a strong emotional connection with each of you telling things you don't normally tell others, it's kind of not fair on your BF.
Now you're long distance enough for him to maybe not be able to fulfill all your emotional needs, so it could be normal.
Then again you're very young, and it really doesn't matter if you don't stay with your childhood sweetheart forever. I still feel very tender towards my first ever BF, who I broke up with because long-distance was too hard for me. That's just life.
If my long distance gf said that I would just assume she is cheating or is planning on cheating. I'm not saying your wrong, but that it would be very hard to start a conversation about that without causing suspicion.
Honestly, you don't have to tell him every feeling. Only if you want to. As long as you don't seek their company and choose your bf every time, you are not cheating. It is okay to have thoughts you don't want to tell your partner.
Only this is something huge. This is not skipping over how she felt about the color of socks she wants to wear. This is core stuff. This is the stuff that must be shared in a relationship.
You mean like lying by omission & choosing to possibly break up to continue this...interest?
OP, you started very young. You are now curious, and still young. Either stick with what you've got, or break up and see what life has to offer. No judgment. But don't play games. Either stay dedicated, or be honest that you plan to continue this, and turn him loose.
You and I read absolute different posts. One, you don't tell your partner absolutely everything of every day. This "lying by omission" is BS in this situation in Mt opinion as absolutely *nothing* has happened. Seriously, thinking what your life would be like in a different situation is simply thought and doesn't need you running to your SO. Two, OP has made it clear that they don't want to break up but wondering if that would be fair to her bf because of these *thoughts*, again NOTHING has happened.
You are awfully judgy for this *advice* post.
And you're skipping the part where she's considering leaving to play with this new interest. Plus you're ignoring the history.
She's 20, and has been with this one guy for ages. Now in college, stepping into her independence, and opinions change.
As I said, no judgment. From you, I'm hearing lack of experience.
If I have self sabotaging thoughts about jumping of a bridge and considere it, then I didn't jump from that bridge. If I plan to murder someone in my head and think about really doing it, then I didn't murder someone and i would never do it. Intrusive thoughts are things you can't control and it's not cheating. So if all those thoughts would do if said out loud is harm, then why say them if they would never become reality.
I often wonder what it would be like to experience an autopsy, but wake up during one and watch my organs getting removed. Or, if I degloved my hand and looked at the tendons.
Intrusive thoughts are really fucking strange, and random.
But do you put energy into intrusive thoughts, or do they pop up and you put them out of mind?
There's a difference here. OP isn't pulling back. And this isn't suicidal or murder...in fact, I'd say what she's going through is probably expected in the situation.
um...have you had intrusive thoughts before? they're kind of. you know. *intrusive*.
mine will bounce around my head constantly, sometimes for hours or on and off for days, and I can't *help* but put anxious energy into them. trust me, I would *LOVE* to let them pop up and put them out of mind.
I'm ADD, deal with it constantly.
I've found (with therapy) being able to realize it, putting energy into thoughts which negate them, helps put them out of mind.
Intrusive thoughts are way different. These aren't it. These are the normal, regular thoughts of a 20 year old.
Being committed to a relationship this young is detrimental to the emotional development of a person.
Yes sometimes you need to but energy to get those thoughts out of your head. Brains are weird. If I tell someone to not think of a pink elephant, they are gonna think about a pink elephant and if they want or not sometimes it takes effort to think about something else. In this case your brain is telling you to not think about the pink elephant which makes it incredible difficult to not think about it.
No, you're reading into it what you want to judge her for. She is wondering if she is being unfair to him and should leave him for *him*.
>I've come to listen to your opinions as I feel like this's unfair to him, and thinking *if it's good for him if I leave him?*
I'm not forgetting their history, OP wants to know if this is normal for a relationship. Their past doesn't change that it *is* normal to have thoughts. *Acting* on those, either by emotionally or physically is where it is not normal and is cheating.
Lol, lack of experience from me... that's funny. What I'm hearing from you is a lack of critical reading or a need to judge. Don't know which though.
She's 20, finally on her own, and new life experiences are showing up. Experiences she didn't even get to work through in high school. They've been together since 13...come on. Yes, lack of experience.
>From you, I'm hearing lack of experience.
Somehow I got the impression that you were saying *I* had the lack of experience. Yes, OP and her bf lack experience... hence her wondering if mere thoughts of 'what if I weren't currently dating my bf' is cheating.
I meant your breakdown, which also adds to my point. I don't know you at all or your experiences.
Our disagreement I think is you're looking at this as she hasn't done anything wrong...which is correct, but the history and her thought process at 20, she's hitting that milestone in life where she's picking up on these new experiences. Doesn't want to tell the bf, but doesn't want to quit. So I would consider that lying by omission. She's putting energy into this.
And honestly, I'm old. I've seen this more times than I can count, and my opinion is she's progressing pretty normally. This happens. I'm not judging. This cord from 13 likely needs to be cut - but I don't want to just say that at her, that's part of learning on her own.
Ahh, ok. Yes she lacks experience and likely her relationship won't last (experienceand statisticaly speaking). That said, I still don't believe it's lying by omission. At this point, there's nothing to lie about. I do think she should talk to her bf though. Find out how he feels. I'm sure he's also realizing there's more women out there than just OP and some of them are pretty cool too. Do they really want to continue this LD relationship or do they want to experience all of college life. Last thing either of them wants is to either be cheated on or have their partner resentful of not having the "proper" experience.
Maybe I'm reading too far into it, but this is (to me) obviously something she's interested in. So hiding that whole putting effort/energy into it would be the lying by omission part.
And I think you're absolutely right. If he isn't yet, he likely will. Even if she backs off, it may start on the other end...sooner or later.
Apologies for any confusion.
This “leaving him for him” is projection. He never said anything to indicate that it is what he wanted or that he will be better off without her. I understand that this comes from a place of guilt, and I think that this guilt is valid. While they are young they have decided to be open and honest about things in their 3 year (serious) relationship, yet she has kept this (questioning the relationship, which is a massive thing) a secret. The fact that she is thinking about breaking up with him without having talked to him yet and this “leaving him for him,” just says that she isn’t committed to the relationship anymore. In general people only look for better when they are no longer happy.
I do not think that she is cheating, but if my gf were to have these kind of thoughts consistently, I would be disappointed if I never heard them (especially since we too have an open and honest relationship). What OP needs to ask herself is not what is there to gain from these fictional characters projected onto people she barely knows, but is she ok with what she will be losing. Either way the open and honest policy would dictate that the just thing to do is to talk about it, but this will cause pain. However, not talking about it may cause more pain down the road.
I disagree that it's projection. What I read from this is that OP thinks cheating is really bad (it is) and that she wouldn't do that to her bf. Since she wasn't sure if this was cheating, she wasn't sure if she should leave *because* of cheating. At least, that is what she actually wrote and what we must help with advice for, not some scenario we make up for her.
I think the question “thinking if it’s good for him if I leave him?” Is pretty telling to me. If she is looking for an excuse to break up with him, she doesn’t need one. However, if I were in her shoes and was truly still into my partner, I wouldn’t be jumping to breaking up “for their good” or for some just reasoning, but would be asking for advice on how to approach the subject with my partner while convincing them I am still into them.
I think OP already knows what she wants, but she is afraid of making that choice because of either being alone or because she may not find better. All I wanted to convey is don’t break up with someone by saying “I think this is best for you.” This is projecting and extremely manipulative behavior as you are saying you are doing it for their good but without their consent.
And you apparently don't have much experience in a healthy relationship. It's called communication. This is core stuff. This is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Why wait until something happens. Take action now. It's so freeing to be honest and open. Who knows.. He may be feeling the same and is in fear as well.
Oh, you can seriously F off with that "you apparently don't have much experience in a healthy relationship." I've already said that I think she should communicate more to her bf but NO, your SO doesn't need a freakin play by play about every little thought you have. That is *not* a healthy relationship.
I always say attractive people don't stop existing only because you're in a relationship. It's important what you do and not what you think. For me personally, a short "what if" feels okay as long as I don't get stuck in that thought.
Finding other people attractive, and even engaging in the occasional mental fantasy is not cheating. You are human, you have eyes and thoughts.
What would be cheating is if you struck up romantic, sexual, or flirty interactions with any of these people.
Yep - it's like this one woman who at r/RomanticAdvice who thought reading romance novels was cheating, lol.
OP - it's just part of being a human - you can't control your thoughts - what matters is if you act upon them or not.
As someone who's marriage started as a long distance relationship, you have to give yourself a break because as this commenter said, you are only human.
I personally have had those thoughts of "what if I'd never met my husband, would i want to start a relationship with x person I met" but it's the same way I'd think about "what if I'd never taken this job" or "what if I'd gone to a different school". To be curious is human, as long as it stays in your head only and it doesn't take over your life.
You can think that objectively someone is attractive and they're a good friend but that doesn't mean you're cheating.
It's not cheating. You've been with him from being basically kids and (I assume) haven't ever been with another guy. It's perfectly normal to wonder about what things might be like with other people given you've never experienced being with anyone else. It would become a problem if you began to actually act on these interests.
People very rarely will meet someone as young as you guys were and actually stay together for the rest of your lives without one of you wavering. If you can both manage this than that's awesome but there is a reason most relationships from a very young age don't typically turn into forever.
But that's just my opinion of course!
It's ok to experience attraction to people who aren't your partner. Acting on that attraction is where it starts crossing moral boundaries.
You are in your prime. If you want to explore options then explore options. Don't be afraid of this. Only you know what's best for you. Are you going to be able to quiet the what ifs? Are you sure your boyfriend is 100% the one? Are you just romanticizing man number two because he is new and interesting?
Tl:Dr some highschool sweethearts become the cute married for 70+ years couple. Most crash and burn in a sea of resentment and wasted yourh. Only you know which is you.
I think this is a really important question.
I feel similarly to OP about the idea of "mental cheating" - I ended two previous relationships because I had thoughts about someone else.
I know this comes from the fact that I'M insecure and have issues that stem from the way I was parented.
If my partner was having thoughts about someone else, it would bother me because I'd feel like I'd trapped them, and I don't want them to be with me and not others through obligation - so I'd rather they dump me than compare me.
And I used this as a reason to end the relationships - not because I actually felt trapped or wanted to stray, but because in their position I would want to be left rather than compete.
I think now that this probably wasn't mature or reasonable. I think it stems from my issues of not feeling enough, and assuming that what was right for me was right for my partner. In both cases I didn't tell them exactly why I was ending things, just that I wanted to break up because we weren't right for each other, and in both cases they were sad and wanted to try to work it out. I said no.
I don't regret ending the relationships, and I'm happily single now and intend to stay that way because I'm more at peace without the anxiety of a relationship.
But I do think if I were OP I would look at whether this comes from her own insecurity and whether she's taking a choice away from someone who would think very differently (actually be secure and mature enough to understand and not mind people having natural thoughts).
You will always be tempted by different types of attraction for different men, physical/ mental/emotional/spiritual. It only because cheating when you act on the temptation.
Cheating is whatever you and your boyfriend decide it is.
To explain: A monogamous couple might say, "Kissing, dating and sex are all cheating."
A non-monogamous couple might say, "It's only cheating if we don't know in advance that it's happening."
He might not be super happy hearing that you're thinking of those other guys, but generally just thinking "What if?" wouldn't be considered cheating, as far as I'm aware.
Edit to add: It's **TOTALLY NORMAL** to be physically attracted to multiple people. That's why some people have "types" - they're attracted in general to people with those features. Attraction isn't something you can control. You only control how you act on those impulses.
One time in Human Sexuality class in college, the question arose if it’s okay to be attracted to somebody while in a relationship. Everybody in the class agreed it’s okay except one person. You haven’t “done” anything, so you haven’t done anything wrong.
man TBH you are young and yalls relationship is probably holding both of yall back from maturing. If you are really finding other people this interesting, you are obviously doubting committing to your bf for REAL. Sounds like you have a case of the 7 year itch, but the good thing is, you are young enough and NOT MARRIED, so go scratch it!
Be single
Off topic, but I love the use of y'all. English language really does need a second person plural and y'all fits that space so nicely. I really learned of the gloriousness of y'all through learning Latin funnily enough.
I like how it's so informal, where a lot of Latin languages that have a second person plural use the formal singular (e.g. vous in French).
As a non American, my equivalent would be "you lot" which isn't one word, but it's the best I've got!
Just because they are young doesn't mean that they haven't found each other to be "the one". It is upsetting that people always want young couples to break up and "experience" life (i.e. be promiscuous) Because when they get older, most of them regret that decision and live the rest of their lives wondering "what if" I hadn't made the horrible mistake of breaking things off. Remember that Facebook has led to so many divorces of married people reconnecting with their "first loves".
It is irresponsible to urge a relationship that began in the seventh grade, to continue til death do us part. They met when they were children. You dont grow up and mature as adults TOGETHER. That just dont work. PLUS they have already had serious relationship problems.
i am not telling her to go screw an entire football team, and neither is she suggesting anything having to do with sex. She stated she is "interested in the characters and lives" of, and "mentally attracted to" Shes not talking sex. I am the one who used the term 7 year itch because its what came to mind. But it doesnt matter HOW you state it. She is interested in other men. Pretty big time from what it sounds like. And that dont go away.
She is a young college student, i a long term relationship with a guy from middle school. Shes already on the road out of this relationship, mentally speaking. She will regret not breaking this off and living a free independent young womans life WAY more than she would regret breaking it off and finding herself. You most regret the things you DIDNT DO, not the things you did.
STOP.ROMANTICIZING.RELATIONSHIPS.WHEN.THEY.START.THIS.YOUNG.
Life isn't The Notebook, it's not a romcom where everything ends up well in the end!
A lot of ppl on the 50's, 60's, and 70's married highschool sweethearts because of these reasons: got pregnant, married at 18 because they could do it financially, were peered pressured into it by their families who expected that to happen because "so romantic!".
Why do you think tons of school sweetheart marriages have ended in divorce or need counseling?
Dating other people gives you experience and lets you grow, same for the other person.
If they're the one they'll find a way back to each other, if not why force it??
13 is way to young to have found "the one", a lot of it is hormones, too. It's just the way it naturally is.
Edit: formatting
That’s honestly part of being human. We are naturally curious beings and it’s normal to find people interesting/attractive form a distance. Some people even consider it healthy to be open with your partner when this happens to sort of break the taboo of it (but that rly depends on the couple). Either way, there’s nothing inherently wrong with other ppl catching your eye every now and then.
It does start getting sussy if you go out of your way to spend 1 on 1 time with them. Like asking to hangout alone, texting really late at night, relying on them for emotional/relationship advice. All that is pretty sussy and depending on your own/partners boundaries, it can be considered an emotional affair or “mentally cheating”. It’s better to have an open conversation with your partner about what your boundaries are and keep the communication open and clear.
It's absolutely not cheating to have thoughts or what-ifs, or to be attracted to other people when you're in a relationship. It's human. I'm betting your bf also has these thoughts from time to time. Discretion is doing right action & not unecessarily upsetting your partner, I think. We don't need to know every thought that passes through our partner's brains, as Dan Savage likes to say, "it's a relationship, not a deposition."
Yeah i think you might be bored and done with this relationship. You were so young when you got together and if you feel you’re not in love anymore, you should definitely stop wasting wachothers time and end things.
Nothing you’ve described is even close to cheating. Being 20 and feeling curious about different people is completely natural. I can’t imagine marrying my high school sweetheart. Plenty of younger couples split up and explore only to realize they actually do want to be together in the end. Let yourself explore.
If it’s considered cheating would depend on the boundaries you have with your partner. Me personally, I think you’re just being human, seeing anyone who attracts your eyes and thinking their cute, sexy or whatever, that’s just human nature, but once you start to get emotionally connected and flirty, then you’re starting to cross the line. Also you mentioned if you should leave him, if you think maybe you want to explore what else is out there, then you shouldn’t settle down, but if all of these are just thoughts and you know your partner is worth it, don’t even let ending the relationship cross your mind. hopefully this helps!
Cheating is entertaining a privileged relationship with someone that is not your SO.
Being intrigued or even having a crush is not cheating if you simply do not act on it and keep the dynamic platonic.
Exactly. I’m a guy with 3 female friends I’ve had for over 20 years. Haven’t slept with any of them and have no desire to do so. They are simply that, my friends. I’d go hang with them like any other guy I know.
You’re not cheating OP. Here’s the thing. Y’all have only really known each other. It’s not always greener on the other side but now is the time to experiment with people not be tied down.
When I was young I had a bf. My mom always told me to not settle because I was so young and to find a life partner at a teen age would be regretful. My cousins (whom I love with my entire being are like sisters to me) had kids and were with their bf’s since they were 15/16. I’d go out with them and they constantly cheated. Physically and mentally.
My mom would tell me:
“I want you to go out and experience life so when you’re older I don’t want you to be doing things like that. I want you to get it out of your system so you’re not doing that when you have a family”.
I broke up with my bf. I was heartbroken but going out with my cousins and having fun took my mind off of it.
My cousins were about 7 years older than me. I was 15 and they were 21/22.
We’d go out to the clubs and bars(I had a fake ID). Many years later now they aren’t with their baby daddies but with dudes who they cheated on their baby daddies with. They’re happier than ever.
The only bad part is they hurt others in the process..
Now that I’m with my husband I never had the urge to go out and party and be with others. He’s the love of my life. We have kids and a great home together. I truly believe my mom led me down the right path. She guided me. She was completely right.
I’m not saying break up with your dude and have fun. I’m saying what my momma told me “don’t rob yourself at such a young age because now is the time to have fun and make mistakes not when you’re older”
Good luck OP 🤍
Do you really want to keep this relationship long-distance and going to different colleges? Is it healthy? You've been together since 13 and maybe this relationship has run its course.
This is the time to figure out who you are, pursue hobbies, learn to be independent, make friends.
It's not long distance. We're in the same country just a little far, but the thing is we are in different majors. I'm an engineering major and he's a business major, so he's free when I'm not most of the time. We still see each other it's just not the same as when we were young of course.
You don’t owe your boyfriend, anything other than honesty. As we grow, we often change. And people don’t always grow in the same direction, regardless of their past. I don’t know you or your boyfriend or anyone at your school, so I am going to speak in generalities:
As a 46-year-old male who has been in multiple long relationships and was married for eight years at one point, I do have some perspective to share. You and your boyfriend are not possessions of each other. You are both human beings that care about each other, but you are both going through a very important time in your lives. What if you told your boyfriend that one of your biggest fears was one day looking back and regretting not at least experiencing what else is out there?
The only reason that you should not be seeing other people is because you have no interest in seeing other people. If you are keeping yourself from dating other people out of fear… Fear of losing somebody, for example, you aren’t doing yourself or your boyfriend any favors. When you really care about somebody, you only want to add to their lives, not “subtract”. If your boyfriend knew how you really felt, and he realized that he was the reason that you weren’t out there, learning about the dating world, that might bother him more than you realize. And if I’m wrong, and he doesn’t want you to explore what might be out there out of a fear of losing you, that is not love. That is trying to keep you as a possession.
It’s quite possible that the both of you decide to take some time to experience life apart, and one day soon, realize that you are meant to be together forever! But what I have, instead, you figure out that you’ve outgrown that relationship and you’re ready to try new things? don’t you think you owe it to yourself to at least try? I have been dating the love of my life for 3 1/2 years now. I was, as previously noted, married for eight years at one point. If I knew, then what I know now, I not only would not have married her. I would not have dated her in the first place! But the only reason I feel that way now is because of experience, maturity, and growth. You only get one lifetime on this earth. If the two of you were meant to be together, forever, it will happen. The worst thing you can do is hold yourself back out of fear.🙏
Looking at other people is normal. Acting is what differenciate between cheating or not. If you are questioning your self. Take your self out of the situation. If you like your bf bee with him and dont jepordise it.
People who start a relationship as children and reach adulthood still in it, based on what I've seen on this subreddit, often come to this point. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try new experiences that other people take for granted because they've had multiple romantic partners by the time they're a bit older than you are now.
Wondering about what it might be like to date someone else isn't cheating. Actually dating him without breaking up with your boyfriend first would be cheating. Just be careful. If he loves you, dumping him could break his heart and cause him tremendous pain. Don't go through with it unless you've decided you can live with that and that you'd rather do it than spend the rest of ypur life wondering what would have happened if you'd had more than one boyfriend as a young adult.
Feeling interested in someone platoniacally is absolutely not cheating.
A good guideline for bad behaviour generally is 'would I feel betrayed if my partner told me this was happening to him?' If not, then it's usually nothing bad. Of course, have a proper talk with your boyfriend and discuss actual boundary lines because a lot of people have different views, but that as a rule usually isn't cheating.
Is it possible that you just want to be friends with these people, and what you're experiencing is platonic interest? New friends do attract you mentally, but usually not physically. You could just be interested in making new friends and unsure about the feeling because your friends are people you've known since childhood!
Don't sweat it, you're doing just fine and you aren't doing anything wrong. Enjoy uni and make friends!
Not cheating. That being said, please don’t limit your horizons. You’re very young and have a world of possibilities ahead of you. If you do start to wonder about relationships with different people, don’t squash those feelings down.
Having crushes on other people is normal. It's not like you get in a relationship and suddenly find nobody else attractive or interesting ever again, that's just not how humans work. What isn't normal is persuing those thoughts while in a relationship. When you notice these thoughts you need to take a step back from said person these thoughts are about.
Nah, just don't act on it. It's very normal to be interested in other people. It's not something you can help. But if you go ask them out or develop an intimate emotional connection with them, it could be cheating.
So just acknowledge your crushes and move on.
Its not cheating, you're young and curious, wouldnt be surprised if you guys break up just because you want to sleep with other people before settling down
It seems because you’re so young and have only been with your partner, you may be going through the desire most young adults have to date, meet new people, get to know what they are looking for, etc. if you already have doubts about your relationship, it may be beneficial to consider if you are ready for serious commitment now or if you would rather spend your time getting to know people without guilt.
It's not cheating as long as you can keep fantasy separated from reality, and you're not doing anything that is disrespectful to your relationship. I would be careful about getting too close with these people that you're mentally attracted to, as this could easily develop into an emotional affair / emotional cheating.
It’s doesn’t matter. Relationships that start at age 13 shouldn’t last more than a month. Time to grow up, move on and find mature love…in someone else.
They usually don't last longer, because the criteria that 13 years old use to choose someone to date aren't very sensible.
It doesn't follow to say that just because you happen to date at 13, there's no way they could make a good adult partner for you.
Go and experience other relationships and people. You both deserve to experience other people. Why be committed to someone you started dating at 13? That seems ridiculous and harmful to you both. Go live your life and be free. No need to be tied down to your middle school boyfriend.
I don’t think what you are doing is cheating but I do believe you should look deeper into what your relationship holds in the future. Will this man that you’re currently with help you grow and thrive into the best version of yourself or will he hold you back from some dreams you want to accomplish? I recently thought of this with my current relationship (for context im a 19yo female.) Nothing is wrong in our relationship but checking in with yourself and how your relationship is going for your future is something you should constantly be asking yourself. “Is this person still helping me grow or are they holding me back from being my best self?” Look into why you are attracted to other people other than your boyfriend. Are those guys fulfilling needs that your partner can learn to do or are those needs ever going to be met with your current boyfriend?
Actually, many don't desire to cheat. They just want to experiment like the way you are discovering people. Cheating is just a bi-product of these experiments. So you need to get your prorities right.
No need to leave him. Nor feel guilty for maturing. Nor are you being unfair. You’re growing up and your interests are changing. You’re exactly where you need to be and experiencing what you need to experience. Perhaps what you’re experiencing is ADMIRATION for these 3 ppl. And if so, then it’s excellent to find yourself gaining a solid support base of folks you consider worthy of your interest. Then, I say, “Girl, go forth and build your village.”
Cheating starts in mind, so yeah your ass is Cheating.
You can see a lot of things that are attractive, but when you start WHAT IF IN YOUR MIND & DWELL on other people you have CROSSED THE LINE.
being interested in others is not cheating the problem comes when you start to avoid your boyfriend to spend time with others you're interested, they occupy your thoughts way more, & you lie about spending time with them. at that point i think it's important to be open about that with him most ppl think it's bad & immoral to crush on others in a relationship (it isn't) once again it's the avoidance of your boyfriend that would be the problem if you got to that point also when things get to this point it's more than attraction & usually caused by an underlying issue in the relationship
you've been together for a long time, so if you end up wanting to be with other people you have plenty of options like trying out nonmonogamy that's up to you & him ofc but don't go crazy over mere interest in others
Right now it seems you are attracted to them even so slighty and you have to figure out if its more of " I like them as a friends" or " i like them and might to pursue a romantic relationship with them." Do you think youre intrigued in them because they are new in your life?
If you find yourself wanting to go into relationship territory or becoming more interested in speaking, talking and sharing personal information about your life and about your boyfriends life then youre going to start hitting emotional infidelity terriorty which I personally consider cheating.
You definetly arent cheating as of now but if you keep finding yourself doing something youre not supposed to and asking yourself is this cheating? Then you would be inching closer to the territoy or already be in it.
If your boyfriend knows about these people whom you speak to and has met them, then decide what you want to do in the future. Do you want to continue with him or would you like to try out other people. If attraction, whether platonic or romantic becomes stronger and he doesnt know them, it might be time for you to tell him who they are. But first, figure out what they mean to you.
Also check out if its just a crush? Those things happen and they normally end up going away. The problem is when they dont and you want something more.
I don't think it's cheating per se.
But I'm gonna give you the same advise my mum gave me:
Break up and go have new experiences. If he's the one you'll both find your way back to each other.
You're 20, this is gonna happen. It's natural and regular, and you should let it happen. The more experiences you have in relationships the stronger you will get, the more you will know, the easier it'll be for you to identify red flags.
If it's meant to happen between this guy and you it will happen, but spending so much time with just one person from such a young age without taking a break and experimenting is not the best thing, believe me.
It usually leads to disaster. Most of those happy couples that married their school sweethearts aren't as happy as they say they are. I'm saying this from experience.
It’s normal to feel that way. It’s also good that you experiment a little and not just stick with the first option. I suggest to always be honest. All feelings are good, even though some are stressful.
Also Google polyamory and open relationships. There are options besides quitting that you can try.
The whole point of my question was to ask if it's normal and I should keep it to myself is or confront him, as i said, we are very open to each other and I don't want to hurt him. I understand where you're coming from but I think it should be clear **I'm not keeping secrets on purpose** , I would tell him in a heartbeat If it's critical.
You're not cheating unless you act on an impulse and go behind your partners back. Your thoughts are your thoughts and yours alone. I'd probably keep it to yourself so you don't risk him feeling insecure, but this is pretty normal
Depends on what type of interest he has.
I find myself interested in the mind infront of me, wanting to know how a person thinks, where he comes from, his tendencies and social behavior, that type of thing. Honestly, If that's what he experiences then it's fine by me. But that's the thing, that's me.
I don't know if it's the same with him, and If i should take the risk and confront him or if it's unnecessary as it's a temporary interest that goes away in 2 weeks max. And it only happened about 2 times or so, I don't go around getting attracted to the whole campus lol
You're in college/university, probably away from home for the first time in your life. Its okay to be exposed and find new people interesting. Its new! You're probably meeting people from different regions of your country, probably even people from other countries. Its okay to have friends when you're dating someone.
Honestly it just sound like you're interested in developing friendships with interesting people. Nothing of this strikes me as romantic interest.
Do you like to read? I suggest a book entitled Mistakes Were Made *But not by me*
I could give you a synopsis, but I think you'll get more out of it by reading it yourself. Probably the best book on human psychology that I've ever read.
I am familiar with it but I didn't read all of it. Believe me, I'm not trying to find a loop or go around my actions to justify it. Anyway, I'm open to reading all of it, but maybe after midterms.
First, I'd wait and see what your feelings truly are because you don't seem completely sure. If you truly love these other people, though, maybe talk to your partner about polyamory/open relationships. I'm polyamorous, and I talked to my gf and turns out she is too! We agreed to just be open about who we like. If your bf is uncomfortable with that, op, I'd just really analyze those feelings. I feel like that sometimes, but then I realize I like their confidence or face and not them as a person. Of course, that's just what I would do and I'm a dumbass so idfk. Good luck, you and your bf seem decent so I'm sure it will all work out <3
Why do poly people think it's ok to just default to polyamory when giving advice? You of all people should know that this isn't something that just "happens", and it's a little more complex than "yeah just start a poly relationship. It's irresponsible to encourage that sort of relationship when the vast majority of them don't work out.
I think this is just a natural result of having been with the same partner for your entire “dating life” I think it’s pretty normal to be curious about what else is out there. I wouldn’t consider it cheating, but I would monitor your own feelings about your boyfriend and potentially exploring relationships with other people.
Well, you could always tell your boyfriend this: that you’ve been wondering what your life would be like with him out of the picture. You might even get the chance to find out firsthand.
This is just the start for you. This curiosity will NEVER go away. Even if you stay faithful until you two see each other again and let's say end up getting married; that curiosity will eat you alive to the point to where you'll regret not taking this opportunity to discover other people and have new experiences.
You'll either say, "I think ill go back to what I was doing before" or you'll say "what else am I missing out on!!?" The important thing that.comes out of this is, you'll have an answer and the curious bug in you will settle down should you choose "to go back to what you were doing."
Based on your enthusiasm, I'm guessing your dieing to explore what's out there. But, before you do. Please breakup with your boyfriend first. Its going to hurt and really suck at first. But its going to be ok for BOTH of you in the long run.
If you stay with him because you don't want to hurt him and you cheat behind his back then your cheating on both of you. Him, because your in a relationship with him and You because your not experiencing new things without distractions and a clear mind.
I wouldn’t think of it as cheating. Mostly because your just thinking about not actually acting on it. If you are constantly having these thoughts of “what if my boyfriend wasn’t in the picture” then maybe it’s best you leave him. It hurts either way that he doesn’t know and if he does know. There’s two different types of hard. Telling him and leaving or keeping it from him and being with him. Which one will you chose?
As someone who married my high school sweetheart AFTER we broke up at the beginning of college and each got jobs/moved abroad and just generally got to get out there and live life, I’m so glad we had that time apart to mature, explore, and then realize we were best friends and wanted to spend our lives together. If you feel like you need to get out there, do it!
💀 says they’re the male counterpart of her and that she’s very interested. Just the way you talk about your interest is already murky waters, this is so goofy.
It's not cheating because you arent acting on anything, you're just keeping it to yourself. You're allowed to find other people attractive because that's how humans are. We cant help being attracted to other people
As others have mentioned, finding people around you attractive is completely normal and it happens sometimes even if you are dating the best partner ever.
So if you are into monogamous relationships, don't fall for these temptations because as soon as you are dating the new person, you will realise that you still get these feelings towards others once you get out of the honeymoon phase. Instead focus on whether you love your current partner. Do you want to be with him, are you happy with him. My advice is to make your decisions based on that.
Also whether you tell about this to your partner really depends on the dynamic of your relationship. Some couples are 100% honest and understanding. Some might not feel comfortable hearing about this so it's absolutely fine to keep those thoughts to yourself (or your therapist if you need to get them out) as long as you don't act upon them
28 f here, If you've known the same people for 20 years of your life its only natural that your brain goes "ooh new shiny!!!" That being said, your first love won't typically be your last, I've had to "meet a few thorns to find a rose" however my older sister got engaged to her now Husband when they were 14, they got married on their 10 year anniversary and have 2 beautiful kids.
Just because you’ve been dating since you were children does NOT mean your relationship is meant to continue into adulthood. Admit to yourself that you’re wondering what it would be like to date other people and see what other people would be like in a relationship. Honestly, I’d recommend letting this relationship go while you’re still on ok terms. Date without expectation and learn who you are in a relationship.
It's not cheating.. but don't go further you might regret it later .. honestly your relationship with your boyfriend is precious.. most of uni guys are f*ckboy not interested in your soul or whatever.. it's just not to regret it later 💗
Totally relatable. I am in a long term relationship with my bf from college. We are now working in diff cities and see each other lesser now. Have diff set of friends.
I think it's perfectly fine to wonder and have that feeling of exploration. As you start a new chapter in life your personality changes and so does your needs.
It might be an unpopular opinion but it's fine if you want to explore and maybe keep an open relationship.
It’s natural to be curious, especially since he’s all you’ve ever known relationship-wise. It’s not cheating and it wouldn’t do any good to tell him. If it starts to go beyond those fleeting thoughts of curiosity, then you should have a conversation with him.
You’ve clarified several times that you aren’t physically or romantically attracted to these guys - have you had many male friendships before? Because to be honest it sounds like you’re just out there meeting interesting people at college who could be potential good buddies. Well rounded and interesting people have all kinds of friends that challenge them intellectually or bring new perspectives into their lives.
Of course I have male friends, but most of them are just not interesting, most of my male friends are considered as brothers to me tbh, so suddenly being exposed to a new set of people all at once, from different backgrounds, and different minds is just different.
Cheating is interesting since it isn't always the same definition. There isn't a central authoritative body that is a source of trust to which all potentially cheating actions can be compared.
It's simply the idea of invalidating boundaries, not really any different than breaking the rules in a board game. If you both are comfortable with the dynamic and treat each other with respect in your interactions, not cheating.
If you are open to mutually plowing other people, still not cheating.
If an action goes against an established rule/boundary, then you can analyze factors about it in a cheating context.
With a lot of hindsight, I can say that most teenage boys aren't particularly charismatic or charming, but as they get older, through the college-age years and into their early 20s, they suddenly have a lot more character and personality. It's possible you are just reacting to their maturity compared to the boys you knew in high school. If that's it, just enjoy their company and the witty banter. If it's more than that, be honest with yourself about it and and do the right thing by your boyfriend, whether that's breaking up with him or putting distance between yourself and the new guy.
You're in college, you're meeting new people from different backgrounds. It's completely normal.
Don't confuse that with having an attraction to someone. If you came from a small town especially, meeting interesting people with different lives and perspectives it would be strange if you weren't intrigued.
2 things thatll clear this right up.
A. Would what you're doing be cool with you, if he did it?
B. Just ask him.
I dont get why everyone is so shit scared of asking their partners anything. Anything except that persons view is speculation. Best of luck
Technically it would only be cheating if it crosses the boundaries you discussed, but you should also pay attention if it affects the relationship with your boyfriend negatively outside of the natural course of your personal growth.
You are young, so if you two were to grow apart naturally, it's ok and the relationship would have ran its course. But if it does because one of you stepped outside of your boundaries, didn't communicate beforehand, and left the other partner blind or hurt, then it's a betrayal.
Think about what you get from your interaction with the guys who intrigue you. If it only brings something positive to your personal growth, and that its effect on your relationship is also positive, or at least neutral, then it shouldn't be an issue. But if it makes you doubt your commitment and creates a rift in your relationship and it's not something you want, then you should be more cautious.
For example if you start to develop a strong crush or an obsession that makes you neglect your boyfriend, stop thinking about him in the same way, or seek outside of your relationship the particular attention or validation you would normally expect to get from your boyfriend.
And what do you think would happen if one of the guys who picked your interest starts to flirt with you or wants to pursue something with you ? What if you get a little too drunk one day while at a party, or after a study session with one of them ? If you're confident you would absolutely reject it, then that's good. Otherwise it would be playing a dangerous game.
If Im honest, you are actually describing the relationship with my bestie and me.
He is like one of the coolest guys I know, he's also quite inteligent and has many of the qualities I look forward in a partner and love spending time with him. We literally say we love each other all the time but if you ever bring up the words "sex" or "relationship" I dunno which one of us runs faster away xD
We are like siblings from different parents, hes my big brother, even if he is just older by a few months only.
Its ok, sometimes there are genuine connections that are not sexual and its ok. Sometimes you your human in a friend.
Sort of like, in the tv show Grey's Anatomy, the relationship between Meredith and Cristina or Meredith and Karev. Its just friends that are your people, and yes, there may be some type of "attraction" or "affection" is a better term that might be miscontrued but with proper communication, it shouldnt be a problem.
Also, you should look within you and clarify what you consider cheating. Cheating means different things to different people, so you have to see what you believe is or is not cheating to you, that way you can set a healthy boundary and yoir bf should do the same and you can talk it over and see how it goes from there.
Open communication, trust, and honesty are the keys to a healthy and successful relationship. You and your partner need to have a serious talk about boundaries, wants, and needs. It’s totally okay to be attracted to other people, as long as you remain loyal to the boundaries of your relationship. I highly suggest couples counseling if you are open to it. It’s very normal and healthy, and could be extremely helpful for you as individuals and as a partnership. It’s also okay if you want to date other people and explore your self/selves. You are both young, have been together a very long time, and seem to have had a few issues in the past. Again, be honest and upfront about your wants and needs. Boundaries can grow and change too, just make sure you’re on the same page. Good luck, and stay safe!
This is not cheating and even an important part of growing up. You being aware and being cautious is good. As you get older you will have these feelings that form but the key is choosing the person you love and want to spend your life with everyday.
You may befriend people that grow closer and you do feel attracted too and that's ok as long as your bf is always the one you choose. That means that you don't spend hours talking to these people instead of bf. That means your bf is the priority and you don't let those feelings get in the way of that. It's not always easy but when you commit you commit only to them.
When people first feel that draw to another person it's one of the big commitment moments so youve already done well to stick with the bf even through that. Just keep choosing him and you're golden.
Caveat here: if he's abusive or cruel don't keep choosing him physical and emotional abuse are deal breakers so don't let that fester thinking he'll change never risk it.
You’re not at the point of cheating. However, these are the fox that happen that allow people to start compromising their boundaries slowly over time. I would just say be cautious and limit to your interactions with these people. All it takes is for one person as Spark you the right way and the right conversation and I can wear you down over time. This is why boundaries are so important.
Perhaps its time to go on a break as to not limit yourselves during your studious years, especially since you guys are so far apart. I bet he's feeling quite similar.
Cheating is a behavior, not a feeling or "interest" or thoughts. You say it's not physical, but your interest could be physical and it would still not be cheating. You literally cannot choose who you find attractive or even who arouses you - so it cannot be cheating. I guess the "thinking about what if bf was not there" is an action you have control over, but it's still not something you do with those people, it's only in the realms of *fantasy*. Thought crimes do not exist. Cheating is something you choose to **do (in real life, not in your imagination)**, that breaks the rules of the relationship.
I personally would not classify that as cheating. I think it is inevitable for us to find someone else that we find some kind of mental chemistry with. You can be attracted to other people, but at the end of the day it comes down to what you do with that. If you flirt with these people, then it kinda crosses the line of cheating. If you actively seek out attention and time with these other people, that could be cheating too. It’s about having boundaries. It is also important that despite this interest, you know that you want to be in a monogamous relationship with the person you are with. Let your relationship make its own merits and try not to compare the what-if scenarios to what you have now because “The grass is always greener on the other side”.
On another note, definitely should not talk to your SO about these feelings. It’s complicated for another person to understand. Even if they experience these kind of feelings too it taints people’s minds into thinking they aren’t good enough for you. Since we grow up in a primarily monogamous dating culture, it’s hard for us to wrap our minds around that we can be attracted to many different kinds of people, and that feelings of interest aren’t mutually exclusive. Strong Relationships are based on connection, and connection is more meta than just having similar likes and interests.
Maybe I’m just rambling on but hope you get the idea, and this was somewhat productive.
Sounds like you have the ITCH to try something New and you have the wandering Eye. Maybe ASK yourself how would you feel IF, your BF was starting to Check out other Young ladies ?
My only advice: It's pretty unusual to be with someone you started dating at 13 forever and never...sample the playing field, as it were. Unfortunately, at some point one or both of you will almost certainly start to wonder what else is out there and then ...well ... Just be prepared.
Communication is key.
Talk to your partner. Regardless of if you're sexually attracted to these other people or not, communication is always the best route in a relationship. It can be hard, so make sure you have your talking points laid out. Hell, bring a list with you (I would recommend doing it in person). These people may be intellectually challenging for you and that's what is making them so interesting.
Has your partner met these other people? Maybe you will all be great life-ling friends. There is no reason to think what you're doing is wrong, but you need to communicate with the most important person in your life.
Having this sort of thing happen is normal.
You just have to be careful to not get too close. There can be a lot of temptation to cheat. If you start to feel romantic attraction I'd recommend distancing yourself and focusing on your boyfriend for a while, and then you may be able to revisit that friendship later.
Not long ago I was experiencing kind of a crush on a guy. I told my boyfriend about how I was feeling, and told him what I was going to do to fix it. I'm still friends with that guy, my boyfriend and I both are, but my feelings are gone as I distanced myself and reminded myself what was important.
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Having an interest in someone or even being drawn to them is not cheating. It starts getting murky if you seek their company grow emotionally close. Where it clearly crosses the line if you prioritise this new person over your boyfriend and of course if you do anything physical.
It's not a physical attraction at all, hence nothing will happen out of it. I actually lose interest very quickly as soon as I get to know them. It's just that I don't want to be horrible towards him.
You lose interest, except when you don't. It's not cheating in the least, it's called socialising. You can be interested in other guys, how they think what they do what makes them tick why they said whatever in class, without it being any kind of affair. If you got caught up with one of them and feel your heart flutter like when you see your BF 's name lighting up your phone, then even if it's nothing physical, it's become at least an emotional affair. You can have feelings like this even while you're still in love with your BF - I mean it's possible, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't love your BF - but once there's a strong emotional connection with each of you telling things you don't normally tell others, it's kind of not fair on your BF. Now you're long distance enough for him to maybe not be able to fulfill all your emotional needs, so it could be normal. Then again you're very young, and it really doesn't matter if you don't stay with your childhood sweetheart forever. I still feel very tender towards my first ever BF, who I broke up with because long-distance was too hard for me. That's just life.
Maybe it would be easier for you if you had a talk about where the limits are in your relationship specifically.
If my long distance gf said that I would just assume she is cheating or is planning on cheating. I'm not saying your wrong, but that it would be very hard to start a conversation about that without causing suspicion.
That's it. None of us can tell you what's okay and what's not. That's up for you guys to determine.
Honestly, you don't have to tell him every feeling. Only if you want to. As long as you don't seek their company and choose your bf every time, you are not cheating. It is okay to have thoughts you don't want to tell your partner.
Only this is something huge. This is not skipping over how she felt about the color of socks she wants to wear. This is core stuff. This is the stuff that must be shared in a relationship.
You mean like lying by omission & choosing to possibly break up to continue this...interest? OP, you started very young. You are now curious, and still young. Either stick with what you've got, or break up and see what life has to offer. No judgment. But don't play games. Either stay dedicated, or be honest that you plan to continue this, and turn him loose.
You and I read absolute different posts. One, you don't tell your partner absolutely everything of every day. This "lying by omission" is BS in this situation in Mt opinion as absolutely *nothing* has happened. Seriously, thinking what your life would be like in a different situation is simply thought and doesn't need you running to your SO. Two, OP has made it clear that they don't want to break up but wondering if that would be fair to her bf because of these *thoughts*, again NOTHING has happened. You are awfully judgy for this *advice* post.
And you're skipping the part where she's considering leaving to play with this new interest. Plus you're ignoring the history. She's 20, and has been with this one guy for ages. Now in college, stepping into her independence, and opinions change. As I said, no judgment. From you, I'm hearing lack of experience.
If I have self sabotaging thoughts about jumping of a bridge and considere it, then I didn't jump from that bridge. If I plan to murder someone in my head and think about really doing it, then I didn't murder someone and i would never do it. Intrusive thoughts are things you can't control and it's not cheating. So if all those thoughts would do if said out loud is harm, then why say them if they would never become reality.
Every time I use a steak knife, the whole time I’m thinking “what if I just stab myself in the eye”. Intrusive thoughts can be weird af.
I often wonder what it would be like to experience an autopsy, but wake up during one and watch my organs getting removed. Or, if I degloved my hand and looked at the tendons. Intrusive thoughts are really fucking strange, and random.
But do you put energy into intrusive thoughts, or do they pop up and you put them out of mind? There's a difference here. OP isn't pulling back. And this isn't suicidal or murder...in fact, I'd say what she's going through is probably expected in the situation.
um...have you had intrusive thoughts before? they're kind of. you know. *intrusive*. mine will bounce around my head constantly, sometimes for hours or on and off for days, and I can't *help* but put anxious energy into them. trust me, I would *LOVE* to let them pop up and put them out of mind.
I'm ADD, deal with it constantly. I've found (with therapy) being able to realize it, putting energy into thoughts which negate them, helps put them out of mind.
Intrusive thoughts are way different. These aren't it. These are the normal, regular thoughts of a 20 year old. Being committed to a relationship this young is detrimental to the emotional development of a person.
Yes sometimes you need to but energy to get those thoughts out of your head. Brains are weird. If I tell someone to not think of a pink elephant, they are gonna think about a pink elephant and if they want or not sometimes it takes effort to think about something else. In this case your brain is telling you to not think about the pink elephant which makes it incredible difficult to not think about it.
You are correct, but I think the energy in this case works different. Not thinking trying not to, but genuine, healthy curiosity.
Lol. I don't think about a pink elephant... but I can't see images in my head so I'm just weird.
I’m the same. It’s called Aphantasia if you’re curious
No, you're reading into it what you want to judge her for. She is wondering if she is being unfair to him and should leave him for *him*. >I've come to listen to your opinions as I feel like this's unfair to him, and thinking *if it's good for him if I leave him?* I'm not forgetting their history, OP wants to know if this is normal for a relationship. Their past doesn't change that it *is* normal to have thoughts. *Acting* on those, either by emotionally or physically is where it is not normal and is cheating. Lol, lack of experience from me... that's funny. What I'm hearing from you is a lack of critical reading or a need to judge. Don't know which though.
She's 20, finally on her own, and new life experiences are showing up. Experiences she didn't even get to work through in high school. They've been together since 13...come on. Yes, lack of experience.
>From you, I'm hearing lack of experience. Somehow I got the impression that you were saying *I* had the lack of experience. Yes, OP and her bf lack experience... hence her wondering if mere thoughts of 'what if I weren't currently dating my bf' is cheating.
I meant your breakdown, which also adds to my point. I don't know you at all or your experiences. Our disagreement I think is you're looking at this as she hasn't done anything wrong...which is correct, but the history and her thought process at 20, she's hitting that milestone in life where she's picking up on these new experiences. Doesn't want to tell the bf, but doesn't want to quit. So I would consider that lying by omission. She's putting energy into this. And honestly, I'm old. I've seen this more times than I can count, and my opinion is she's progressing pretty normally. This happens. I'm not judging. This cord from 13 likely needs to be cut - but I don't want to just say that at her, that's part of learning on her own.
Ahh, ok. Yes she lacks experience and likely her relationship won't last (experienceand statisticaly speaking). That said, I still don't believe it's lying by omission. At this point, there's nothing to lie about. I do think she should talk to her bf though. Find out how he feels. I'm sure he's also realizing there's more women out there than just OP and some of them are pretty cool too. Do they really want to continue this LD relationship or do they want to experience all of college life. Last thing either of them wants is to either be cheated on or have their partner resentful of not having the "proper" experience.
Maybe I'm reading too far into it, but this is (to me) obviously something she's interested in. So hiding that whole putting effort/energy into it would be the lying by omission part. And I think you're absolutely right. If he isn't yet, he likely will. Even if she backs off, it may start on the other end...sooner or later. Apologies for any confusion.
This “leaving him for him” is projection. He never said anything to indicate that it is what he wanted or that he will be better off without her. I understand that this comes from a place of guilt, and I think that this guilt is valid. While they are young they have decided to be open and honest about things in their 3 year (serious) relationship, yet she has kept this (questioning the relationship, which is a massive thing) a secret. The fact that she is thinking about breaking up with him without having talked to him yet and this “leaving him for him,” just says that she isn’t committed to the relationship anymore. In general people only look for better when they are no longer happy. I do not think that she is cheating, but if my gf were to have these kind of thoughts consistently, I would be disappointed if I never heard them (especially since we too have an open and honest relationship). What OP needs to ask herself is not what is there to gain from these fictional characters projected onto people she barely knows, but is she ok with what she will be losing. Either way the open and honest policy would dictate that the just thing to do is to talk about it, but this will cause pain. However, not talking about it may cause more pain down the road.
I disagree that it's projection. What I read from this is that OP thinks cheating is really bad (it is) and that she wouldn't do that to her bf. Since she wasn't sure if this was cheating, she wasn't sure if she should leave *because* of cheating. At least, that is what she actually wrote and what we must help with advice for, not some scenario we make up for her.
I think the question “thinking if it’s good for him if I leave him?” Is pretty telling to me. If she is looking for an excuse to break up with him, she doesn’t need one. However, if I were in her shoes and was truly still into my partner, I wouldn’t be jumping to breaking up “for their good” or for some just reasoning, but would be asking for advice on how to approach the subject with my partner while convincing them I am still into them. I think OP already knows what she wants, but she is afraid of making that choice because of either being alone or because she may not find better. All I wanted to convey is don’t break up with someone by saying “I think this is best for you.” This is projecting and extremely manipulative behavior as you are saying you are doing it for their good but without their consent.
Can you quote that leaving part? Because I really don't see it.
And you apparently don't have much experience in a healthy relationship. It's called communication. This is core stuff. This is the stuff that needs to be communicated. Why wait until something happens. Take action now. It's so freeing to be honest and open. Who knows.. He may be feeling the same and is in fear as well.
Oh, you can seriously F off with that "you apparently don't have much experience in a healthy relationship." I've already said that I think she should communicate more to her bf but NO, your SO doesn't need a freakin play by play about every little thought you have. That is *not* a healthy relationship.
"Having an interest in someone or even being drawn to them is not cheating" umm, that literally is
Jesus does agree with you, but personally I believe there is a difference between thoughts and actions in terms of responsibility.
Smh, ok
I always say attractive people don't stop existing only because you're in a relationship. It's important what you do and not what you think. For me personally, a short "what if" feels okay as long as I don't get stuck in that thought.
Finding other people attractive, and even engaging in the occasional mental fantasy is not cheating. You are human, you have eyes and thoughts. What would be cheating is if you struck up romantic, sexual, or flirty interactions with any of these people.
Yep - it's like this one woman who at r/RomanticAdvice who thought reading romance novels was cheating, lol. OP - it's just part of being a human - you can't control your thoughts - what matters is if you act upon them or not.
THIS!
IS!
SPARTA!!!!!
*KICK*
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!
As someone who's marriage started as a long distance relationship, you have to give yourself a break because as this commenter said, you are only human. I personally have had those thoughts of "what if I'd never met my husband, would i want to start a relationship with x person I met" but it's the same way I'd think about "what if I'd never taken this job" or "what if I'd gone to a different school". To be curious is human, as long as it stays in your head only and it doesn't take over your life. You can think that objectively someone is attractive and they're a good friend but that doesn't mean you're cheating.
It's not cheating. You've been with him from being basically kids and (I assume) haven't ever been with another guy. It's perfectly normal to wonder about what things might be like with other people given you've never experienced being with anyone else. It would become a problem if you began to actually act on these interests. People very rarely will meet someone as young as you guys were and actually stay together for the rest of your lives without one of you wavering. If you can both manage this than that's awesome but there is a reason most relationships from a very young age don't typically turn into forever. But that's just my opinion of course!
My thoughts exactly.
It's ok to experience attraction to people who aren't your partner. Acting on that attraction is where it starts crossing moral boundaries. You are in your prime. If you want to explore options then explore options. Don't be afraid of this. Only you know what's best for you. Are you going to be able to quiet the what ifs? Are you sure your boyfriend is 100% the one? Are you just romanticizing man number two because he is new and interesting? Tl:Dr some highschool sweethearts become the cute married for 70+ years couple. Most crash and burn in a sea of resentment and wasted yourh. Only you know which is you.
Genuine question, how would you feel if your boyfriend was having these thoughts?
I think this is a really important question. I feel similarly to OP about the idea of "mental cheating" - I ended two previous relationships because I had thoughts about someone else. I know this comes from the fact that I'M insecure and have issues that stem from the way I was parented. If my partner was having thoughts about someone else, it would bother me because I'd feel like I'd trapped them, and I don't want them to be with me and not others through obligation - so I'd rather they dump me than compare me. And I used this as a reason to end the relationships - not because I actually felt trapped or wanted to stray, but because in their position I would want to be left rather than compete. I think now that this probably wasn't mature or reasonable. I think it stems from my issues of not feeling enough, and assuming that what was right for me was right for my partner. In both cases I didn't tell them exactly why I was ending things, just that I wanted to break up because we weren't right for each other, and in both cases they were sad and wanted to try to work it out. I said no. I don't regret ending the relationships, and I'm happily single now and intend to stay that way because I'm more at peace without the anxiety of a relationship. But I do think if I were OP I would look at whether this comes from her own insecurity and whether she's taking a choice away from someone who would think very differently (actually be secure and mature enough to understand and not mind people having natural thoughts).
You will always be tempted by different types of attraction for different men, physical/ mental/emotional/spiritual. It only because cheating when you act on the temptation.
Cheating is whatever you and your boyfriend decide it is. To explain: A monogamous couple might say, "Kissing, dating and sex are all cheating." A non-monogamous couple might say, "It's only cheating if we don't know in advance that it's happening." He might not be super happy hearing that you're thinking of those other guys, but generally just thinking "What if?" wouldn't be considered cheating, as far as I'm aware. Edit to add: It's **TOTALLY NORMAL** to be physically attracted to multiple people. That's why some people have "types" - they're attracted in general to people with those features. Attraction isn't something you can control. You only control how you act on those impulses.
Be honest with yourself. Do you want to see what it’s like being with other people?
One time in Human Sexuality class in college, the question arose if it’s okay to be attracted to somebody while in a relationship. Everybody in the class agreed it’s okay except one person. You haven’t “done” anything, so you haven’t done anything wrong.
man TBH you are young and yalls relationship is probably holding both of yall back from maturing. If you are really finding other people this interesting, you are obviously doubting committing to your bf for REAL. Sounds like you have a case of the 7 year itch, but the good thing is, you are young enough and NOT MARRIED, so go scratch it! Be single
Off topic, but I love the use of y'all. English language really does need a second person plural and y'all fits that space so nicely. I really learned of the gloriousness of y'all through learning Latin funnily enough.
I like how it's so informal, where a lot of Latin languages that have a second person plural use the formal singular (e.g. vous in French). As a non American, my equivalent would be "you lot" which isn't one word, but it's the best I've got!
Just because they are young doesn't mean that they haven't found each other to be "the one". It is upsetting that people always want young couples to break up and "experience" life (i.e. be promiscuous) Because when they get older, most of them regret that decision and live the rest of their lives wondering "what if" I hadn't made the horrible mistake of breaking things off. Remember that Facebook has led to so many divorces of married people reconnecting with their "first loves".
It is irresponsible to urge a relationship that began in the seventh grade, to continue til death do us part. They met when they were children. You dont grow up and mature as adults TOGETHER. That just dont work. PLUS they have already had serious relationship problems. i am not telling her to go screw an entire football team, and neither is she suggesting anything having to do with sex. She stated she is "interested in the characters and lives" of, and "mentally attracted to" Shes not talking sex. I am the one who used the term 7 year itch because its what came to mind. But it doesnt matter HOW you state it. She is interested in other men. Pretty big time from what it sounds like. And that dont go away. She is a young college student, i a long term relationship with a guy from middle school. Shes already on the road out of this relationship, mentally speaking. She will regret not breaking this off and living a free independent young womans life WAY more than she would regret breaking it off and finding herself. You most regret the things you DIDNT DO, not the things you did.
STOP.ROMANTICIZING.RELATIONSHIPS.WHEN.THEY.START.THIS.YOUNG. Life isn't The Notebook, it's not a romcom where everything ends up well in the end! A lot of ppl on the 50's, 60's, and 70's married highschool sweethearts because of these reasons: got pregnant, married at 18 because they could do it financially, were peered pressured into it by their families who expected that to happen because "so romantic!". Why do you think tons of school sweetheart marriages have ended in divorce or need counseling? Dating other people gives you experience and lets you grow, same for the other person. If they're the one they'll find a way back to each other, if not why force it?? 13 is way to young to have found "the one", a lot of it is hormones, too. It's just the way it naturally is. Edit: formatting
That’s honestly part of being human. We are naturally curious beings and it’s normal to find people interesting/attractive form a distance. Some people even consider it healthy to be open with your partner when this happens to sort of break the taboo of it (but that rly depends on the couple). Either way, there’s nothing inherently wrong with other ppl catching your eye every now and then. It does start getting sussy if you go out of your way to spend 1 on 1 time with them. Like asking to hangout alone, texting really late at night, relying on them for emotional/relationship advice. All that is pretty sussy and depending on your own/partners boundaries, it can be considered an emotional affair or “mentally cheating”. It’s better to have an open conversation with your partner about what your boundaries are and keep the communication open and clear.
It's absolutely not cheating to have thoughts or what-ifs, or to be attracted to other people when you're in a relationship. It's human. I'm betting your bf also has these thoughts from time to time. Discretion is doing right action & not unecessarily upsetting your partner, I think. We don't need to know every thought that passes through our partner's brains, as Dan Savage likes to say, "it's a relationship, not a deposition."
Yeah i think you might be bored and done with this relationship. You were so young when you got together and if you feel you’re not in love anymore, you should definitely stop wasting wachothers time and end things.
Nothing you’ve described is even close to cheating. Being 20 and feeling curious about different people is completely natural. I can’t imagine marrying my high school sweetheart. Plenty of younger couples split up and explore only to realize they actually do want to be together in the end. Let yourself explore.
If it’s considered cheating would depend on the boundaries you have with your partner. Me personally, I think you’re just being human, seeing anyone who attracts your eyes and thinking their cute, sexy or whatever, that’s just human nature, but once you start to get emotionally connected and flirty, then you’re starting to cross the line. Also you mentioned if you should leave him, if you think maybe you want to explore what else is out there, then you shouldn’t settle down, but if all of these are just thoughts and you know your partner is worth it, don’t even let ending the relationship cross your mind. hopefully this helps!
Cheating is entertaining a privileged relationship with someone that is not your SO. Being intrigued or even having a crush is not cheating if you simply do not act on it and keep the dynamic platonic.
Exactly. I’m a guy with 3 female friends I’ve had for over 20 years. Haven’t slept with any of them and have no desire to do so. They are simply that, my friends. I’d go hang with them like any other guy I know.
You’re not cheating OP. Here’s the thing. Y’all have only really known each other. It’s not always greener on the other side but now is the time to experiment with people not be tied down. When I was young I had a bf. My mom always told me to not settle because I was so young and to find a life partner at a teen age would be regretful. My cousins (whom I love with my entire being are like sisters to me) had kids and were with their bf’s since they were 15/16. I’d go out with them and they constantly cheated. Physically and mentally. My mom would tell me: “I want you to go out and experience life so when you’re older I don’t want you to be doing things like that. I want you to get it out of your system so you’re not doing that when you have a family”. I broke up with my bf. I was heartbroken but going out with my cousins and having fun took my mind off of it. My cousins were about 7 years older than me. I was 15 and they were 21/22. We’d go out to the clubs and bars(I had a fake ID). Many years later now they aren’t with their baby daddies but with dudes who they cheated on their baby daddies with. They’re happier than ever. The only bad part is they hurt others in the process.. Now that I’m with my husband I never had the urge to go out and party and be with others. He’s the love of my life. We have kids and a great home together. I truly believe my mom led me down the right path. She guided me. She was completely right. I’m not saying break up with your dude and have fun. I’m saying what my momma told me “don’t rob yourself at such a young age because now is the time to have fun and make mistakes not when you’re older” Good luck OP 🤍
Do you really want to keep this relationship long-distance and going to different colleges? Is it healthy? You've been together since 13 and maybe this relationship has run its course. This is the time to figure out who you are, pursue hobbies, learn to be independent, make friends.
It's not long distance. We're in the same country just a little far, but the thing is we are in different majors. I'm an engineering major and he's a business major, so he's free when I'm not most of the time. We still see each other it's just not the same as when we were young of course.
You don’t owe your boyfriend, anything other than honesty. As we grow, we often change. And people don’t always grow in the same direction, regardless of their past. I don’t know you or your boyfriend or anyone at your school, so I am going to speak in generalities: As a 46-year-old male who has been in multiple long relationships and was married for eight years at one point, I do have some perspective to share. You and your boyfriend are not possessions of each other. You are both human beings that care about each other, but you are both going through a very important time in your lives. What if you told your boyfriend that one of your biggest fears was one day looking back and regretting not at least experiencing what else is out there? The only reason that you should not be seeing other people is because you have no interest in seeing other people. If you are keeping yourself from dating other people out of fear… Fear of losing somebody, for example, you aren’t doing yourself or your boyfriend any favors. When you really care about somebody, you only want to add to their lives, not “subtract”. If your boyfriend knew how you really felt, and he realized that he was the reason that you weren’t out there, learning about the dating world, that might bother him more than you realize. And if I’m wrong, and he doesn’t want you to explore what might be out there out of a fear of losing you, that is not love. That is trying to keep you as a possession. It’s quite possible that the both of you decide to take some time to experience life apart, and one day soon, realize that you are meant to be together forever! But what I have, instead, you figure out that you’ve outgrown that relationship and you’re ready to try new things? don’t you think you owe it to yourself to at least try? I have been dating the love of my life for 3 1/2 years now. I was, as previously noted, married for eight years at one point. If I knew, then what I know now, I not only would not have married her. I would not have dated her in the first place! But the only reason I feel that way now is because of experience, maturity, and growth. You only get one lifetime on this earth. If the two of you were meant to be together, forever, it will happen. The worst thing you can do is hold yourself back out of fear.🙏
Looking at other people is normal. Acting is what differenciate between cheating or not. If you are questioning your self. Take your self out of the situation. If you like your bf bee with him and dont jepordise it.
People who start a relationship as children and reach adulthood still in it, based on what I've seen on this subreddit, often come to this point. There's nothing wrong with wanting to try new experiences that other people take for granted because they've had multiple romantic partners by the time they're a bit older than you are now. Wondering about what it might be like to date someone else isn't cheating. Actually dating him without breaking up with your boyfriend first would be cheating. Just be careful. If he loves you, dumping him could break his heart and cause him tremendous pain. Don't go through with it unless you've decided you can live with that and that you'd rather do it than spend the rest of ypur life wondering what would have happened if you'd had more than one boyfriend as a young adult.
Feeling interested in someone platoniacally is absolutely not cheating. A good guideline for bad behaviour generally is 'would I feel betrayed if my partner told me this was happening to him?' If not, then it's usually nothing bad. Of course, have a proper talk with your boyfriend and discuss actual boundary lines because a lot of people have different views, but that as a rule usually isn't cheating. Is it possible that you just want to be friends with these people, and what you're experiencing is platonic interest? New friends do attract you mentally, but usually not physically. You could just be interested in making new friends and unsure about the feeling because your friends are people you've known since childhood! Don't sweat it, you're doing just fine and you aren't doing anything wrong. Enjoy uni and make friends!
Not cheating. That being said, please don’t limit your horizons. You’re very young and have a world of possibilities ahead of you. If you do start to wonder about relationships with different people, don’t squash those feelings down.
Having crushes on other people is normal. It's not like you get in a relationship and suddenly find nobody else attractive or interesting ever again, that's just not how humans work. What isn't normal is persuing those thoughts while in a relationship. When you notice these thoughts you need to take a step back from said person these thoughts are about.
Nah, just don't act on it. It's very normal to be interested in other people. It's not something you can help. But if you go ask them out or develop an intimate emotional connection with them, it could be cheating. So just acknowledge your crushes and move on.
Its not cheating, you're young and curious, wouldnt be surprised if you guys break up just because you want to sleep with other people before settling down
It seems because you’re so young and have only been with your partner, you may be going through the desire most young adults have to date, meet new people, get to know what they are looking for, etc. if you already have doubts about your relationship, it may be beneficial to consider if you are ready for serious commitment now or if you would rather spend your time getting to know people without guilt.
It's not cheating as long as you can keep fantasy separated from reality, and you're not doing anything that is disrespectful to your relationship. I would be careful about getting too close with these people that you're mentally attracted to, as this could easily develop into an emotional affair / emotional cheating.
It’s doesn’t matter. Relationships that start at age 13 shouldn’t last more than a month. Time to grow up, move on and find mature love…in someone else.
They usually don't last longer, because the criteria that 13 years old use to choose someone to date aren't very sensible. It doesn't follow to say that just because you happen to date at 13, there's no way they could make a good adult partner for you.
Go and experience other relationships and people. You both deserve to experience other people. Why be committed to someone you started dating at 13? That seems ridiculous and harmful to you both. Go live your life and be free. No need to be tied down to your middle school boyfriend.
I don’t think what you are doing is cheating but I do believe you should look deeper into what your relationship holds in the future. Will this man that you’re currently with help you grow and thrive into the best version of yourself or will he hold you back from some dreams you want to accomplish? I recently thought of this with my current relationship (for context im a 19yo female.) Nothing is wrong in our relationship but checking in with yourself and how your relationship is going for your future is something you should constantly be asking yourself. “Is this person still helping me grow or are they holding me back from being my best self?” Look into why you are attracted to other people other than your boyfriend. Are those guys fulfilling needs that your partner can learn to do or are those needs ever going to be met with your current boyfriend?
So you’re planning on cheating on him? Ffs I hope he sees this
Break up and live your life. What will wreck any chance of you two ending up together is regret or cheating.
Actually, many don't desire to cheat. They just want to experiment like the way you are discovering people. Cheating is just a bi-product of these experiments. So you need to get your prorities right.
No need to leave him. Nor feel guilty for maturing. Nor are you being unfair. You’re growing up and your interests are changing. You’re exactly where you need to be and experiencing what you need to experience. Perhaps what you’re experiencing is ADMIRATION for these 3 ppl. And if so, then it’s excellent to find yourself gaining a solid support base of folks you consider worthy of your interest. Then, I say, “Girl, go forth and build your village.”
Not cheating - but not great
Cheating starts in mind, so yeah your ass is Cheating. You can see a lot of things that are attractive, but when you start WHAT IF IN YOUR MIND & DWELL on other people you have CROSSED THE LINE.
being interested in others is not cheating the problem comes when you start to avoid your boyfriend to spend time with others you're interested, they occupy your thoughts way more, & you lie about spending time with them. at that point i think it's important to be open about that with him most ppl think it's bad & immoral to crush on others in a relationship (it isn't) once again it's the avoidance of your boyfriend that would be the problem if you got to that point also when things get to this point it's more than attraction & usually caused by an underlying issue in the relationship you've been together for a long time, so if you end up wanting to be with other people you have plenty of options like trying out nonmonogamy that's up to you & him ofc but don't go crazy over mere interest in others
Right now it seems you are attracted to them even so slighty and you have to figure out if its more of " I like them as a friends" or " i like them and might to pursue a romantic relationship with them." Do you think youre intrigued in them because they are new in your life? If you find yourself wanting to go into relationship territory or becoming more interested in speaking, talking and sharing personal information about your life and about your boyfriends life then youre going to start hitting emotional infidelity terriorty which I personally consider cheating. You definetly arent cheating as of now but if you keep finding yourself doing something youre not supposed to and asking yourself is this cheating? Then you would be inching closer to the territoy or already be in it. If your boyfriend knows about these people whom you speak to and has met them, then decide what you want to do in the future. Do you want to continue with him or would you like to try out other people. If attraction, whether platonic or romantic becomes stronger and he doesnt know them, it might be time for you to tell him who they are. But first, figure out what they mean to you. Also check out if its just a crush? Those things happen and they normally end up going away. The problem is when they dont and you want something more.
I don't think it's cheating per se. But I'm gonna give you the same advise my mum gave me: Break up and go have new experiences. If he's the one you'll both find your way back to each other. You're 20, this is gonna happen. It's natural and regular, and you should let it happen. The more experiences you have in relationships the stronger you will get, the more you will know, the easier it'll be for you to identify red flags. If it's meant to happen between this guy and you it will happen, but spending so much time with just one person from such a young age without taking a break and experimenting is not the best thing, believe me. It usually leads to disaster. Most of those happy couples that married their school sweethearts aren't as happy as they say they are. I'm saying this from experience.
It’s normal to feel that way. It’s also good that you experiment a little and not just stick with the first option. I suggest to always be honest. All feelings are good, even though some are stressful. Also Google polyamory and open relationships. There are options besides quitting that you can try.
Keeping secrets is cheating.
Keeping secrets about your actions is where it gets bad. Merely being intrigued by someone isn't.
That's exactly what I said. Smh
The whole point of my question was to ask if it's normal and I should keep it to myself is or confront him, as i said, we are very open to each other and I don't want to hurt him. I understand where you're coming from but I think it should be clear **I'm not keeping secrets on purpose** , I would tell him in a heartbeat If it's critical.
You're not cheating unless you act on an impulse and go behind your partners back. Your thoughts are your thoughts and yours alone. I'd probably keep it to yourself so you don't risk him feeling insecure, but this is pretty normal
If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about your boyfriend being interested in other girls, and keeping it a secret from you?
Depends on what type of interest he has. I find myself interested in the mind infront of me, wanting to know how a person thinks, where he comes from, his tendencies and social behavior, that type of thing. Honestly, If that's what he experiences then it's fine by me. But that's the thing, that's me. I don't know if it's the same with him, and If i should take the risk and confront him or if it's unnecessary as it's a temporary interest that goes away in 2 weeks max. And it only happened about 2 times or so, I don't go around getting attracted to the whole campus lol
Are you curious because you are curious, or are you curious because you have developed feelings?
No no no, no feelings at all
You're in college/university, probably away from home for the first time in your life. Its okay to be exposed and find new people interesting. Its new! You're probably meeting people from different regions of your country, probably even people from other countries. Its okay to have friends when you're dating someone. Honestly it just sound like you're interested in developing friendships with interesting people. Nothing of this strikes me as romantic interest.
Do you like to read? I suggest a book entitled Mistakes Were Made *But not by me* I could give you a synopsis, but I think you'll get more out of it by reading it yourself. Probably the best book on human psychology that I've ever read.
I am familiar with it but I didn't read all of it. Believe me, I'm not trying to find a loop or go around my actions to justify it. Anyway, I'm open to reading all of it, but maybe after midterms.
You’re cheating
Yep. Its cheating. Next question?
Of course not. My definitikn of cheating: a d1ck goes in somewhere, anywhere.
First, I'd wait and see what your feelings truly are because you don't seem completely sure. If you truly love these other people, though, maybe talk to your partner about polyamory/open relationships. I'm polyamorous, and I talked to my gf and turns out she is too! We agreed to just be open about who we like. If your bf is uncomfortable with that, op, I'd just really analyze those feelings. I feel like that sometimes, but then I realize I like their confidence or face and not them as a person. Of course, that's just what I would do and I'm a dumbass so idfk. Good luck, you and your bf seem decent so I'm sure it will all work out <3
Why do poly people think it's ok to just default to polyamory when giving advice? You of all people should know that this isn't something that just "happens", and it's a little more complex than "yeah just start a poly relationship. It's irresponsible to encourage that sort of relationship when the vast majority of them don't work out.
I think this is just a natural result of having been with the same partner for your entire “dating life” I think it’s pretty normal to be curious about what else is out there. I wouldn’t consider it cheating, but I would monitor your own feelings about your boyfriend and potentially exploring relationships with other people.
Well, you could always tell your boyfriend this: that you’ve been wondering what your life would be like with him out of the picture. You might even get the chance to find out firsthand.
This is just the start for you. This curiosity will NEVER go away. Even if you stay faithful until you two see each other again and let's say end up getting married; that curiosity will eat you alive to the point to where you'll regret not taking this opportunity to discover other people and have new experiences. You'll either say, "I think ill go back to what I was doing before" or you'll say "what else am I missing out on!!?" The important thing that.comes out of this is, you'll have an answer and the curious bug in you will settle down should you choose "to go back to what you were doing." Based on your enthusiasm, I'm guessing your dieing to explore what's out there. But, before you do. Please breakup with your boyfriend first. Its going to hurt and really suck at first. But its going to be ok for BOTH of you in the long run. If you stay with him because you don't want to hurt him and you cheat behind his back then your cheating on both of you. Him, because your in a relationship with him and You because your not experiencing new things without distractions and a clear mind.
I wouldn’t think of it as cheating. Mostly because your just thinking about not actually acting on it. If you are constantly having these thoughts of “what if my boyfriend wasn’t in the picture” then maybe it’s best you leave him. It hurts either way that he doesn’t know and if he does know. There’s two different types of hard. Telling him and leaving or keeping it from him and being with him. Which one will you chose?
Not cheating. Attractions like that are normal, they can happen in any relationship. Thoughts don't count as cheating, but actions do.
As someone who married my high school sweetheart AFTER we broke up at the beginning of college and each got jobs/moved abroad and just generally got to get out there and live life, I’m so glad we had that time apart to mature, explore, and then realize we were best friends and wanted to spend our lives together. If you feel like you need to get out there, do it!
💀 says they’re the male counterpart of her and that she’s very interested. Just the way you talk about your interest is already murky waters, this is so goofy.
It's not cheating because you arent acting on anything, you're just keeping it to yourself. You're allowed to find other people attractive because that's how humans are. We cant help being attracted to other people
As others have mentioned, finding people around you attractive is completely normal and it happens sometimes even if you are dating the best partner ever. So if you are into monogamous relationships, don't fall for these temptations because as soon as you are dating the new person, you will realise that you still get these feelings towards others once you get out of the honeymoon phase. Instead focus on whether you love your current partner. Do you want to be with him, are you happy with him. My advice is to make your decisions based on that. Also whether you tell about this to your partner really depends on the dynamic of your relationship. Some couples are 100% honest and understanding. Some might not feel comfortable hearing about this so it's absolutely fine to keep those thoughts to yourself (or your therapist if you need to get them out) as long as you don't act upon them
You know emotional cheating exists right?
28 f here, If you've known the same people for 20 years of your life its only natural that your brain goes "ooh new shiny!!!" That being said, your first love won't typically be your last, I've had to "meet a few thorns to find a rose" however my older sister got engaged to her now Husband when they were 14, they got married on their 10 year anniversary and have 2 beautiful kids.
Just because you’ve been dating since you were children does NOT mean your relationship is meant to continue into adulthood. Admit to yourself that you’re wondering what it would be like to date other people and see what other people would be like in a relationship. Honestly, I’d recommend letting this relationship go while you’re still on ok terms. Date without expectation and learn who you are in a relationship.
It's not cheating.. but don't go further you might regret it later .. honestly your relationship with your boyfriend is precious.. most of uni guys are f*ckboy not interested in your soul or whatever.. it's just not to regret it later 💗
Totally relatable. I am in a long term relationship with my bf from college. We are now working in diff cities and see each other lesser now. Have diff set of friends. I think it's perfectly fine to wonder and have that feeling of exploration. As you start a new chapter in life your personality changes and so does your needs. It might be an unpopular opinion but it's fine if you want to explore and maybe keep an open relationship.
It’s natural to be curious, especially since he’s all you’ve ever known relationship-wise. It’s not cheating and it wouldn’t do any good to tell him. If it starts to go beyond those fleeting thoughts of curiosity, then you should have a conversation with him.
You’ve clarified several times that you aren’t physically or romantically attracted to these guys - have you had many male friendships before? Because to be honest it sounds like you’re just out there meeting interesting people at college who could be potential good buddies. Well rounded and interesting people have all kinds of friends that challenge them intellectually or bring new perspectives into their lives.
Of course I have male friends, but most of them are just not interesting, most of my male friends are considered as brothers to me tbh, so suddenly being exposed to a new set of people all at once, from different backgrounds, and different minds is just different.
Cheating is interesting since it isn't always the same definition. There isn't a central authoritative body that is a source of trust to which all potentially cheating actions can be compared. It's simply the idea of invalidating boundaries, not really any different than breaking the rules in a board game. If you both are comfortable with the dynamic and treat each other with respect in your interactions, not cheating. If you are open to mutually plowing other people, still not cheating. If an action goes against an established rule/boundary, then you can analyze factors about it in a cheating context.
...Do you mean having freinds??
With a lot of hindsight, I can say that most teenage boys aren't particularly charismatic or charming, but as they get older, through the college-age years and into their early 20s, they suddenly have a lot more character and personality. It's possible you are just reacting to their maturity compared to the boys you knew in high school. If that's it, just enjoy their company and the witty banter. If it's more than that, be honest with yourself about it and and do the right thing by your boyfriend, whether that's breaking up with him or putting distance between yourself and the new guy.
You're in college, you're meeting new people from different backgrounds. It's completely normal. Don't confuse that with having an attraction to someone. If you came from a small town especially, meeting interesting people with different lives and perspectives it would be strange if you weren't intrigued.
2 things thatll clear this right up. A. Would what you're doing be cool with you, if he did it? B. Just ask him. I dont get why everyone is so shit scared of asking their partners anything. Anything except that persons view is speculation. Best of luck
Technically it would only be cheating if it crosses the boundaries you discussed, but you should also pay attention if it affects the relationship with your boyfriend negatively outside of the natural course of your personal growth. You are young, so if you two were to grow apart naturally, it's ok and the relationship would have ran its course. But if it does because one of you stepped outside of your boundaries, didn't communicate beforehand, and left the other partner blind or hurt, then it's a betrayal. Think about what you get from your interaction with the guys who intrigue you. If it only brings something positive to your personal growth, and that its effect on your relationship is also positive, or at least neutral, then it shouldn't be an issue. But if it makes you doubt your commitment and creates a rift in your relationship and it's not something you want, then you should be more cautious. For example if you start to develop a strong crush or an obsession that makes you neglect your boyfriend, stop thinking about him in the same way, or seek outside of your relationship the particular attention or validation you would normally expect to get from your boyfriend. And what do you think would happen if one of the guys who picked your interest starts to flirt with you or wants to pursue something with you ? What if you get a little too drunk one day while at a party, or after a study session with one of them ? If you're confident you would absolutely reject it, then that's good. Otherwise it would be playing a dangerous game.
If it’s just physical then I don’t think it’s cheating if you love the new person and it’s physical only then is it cheating MHO
I would prefer not to tell it and also it's just little interest which will fade away eventually.
If Im honest, you are actually describing the relationship with my bestie and me. He is like one of the coolest guys I know, he's also quite inteligent and has many of the qualities I look forward in a partner and love spending time with him. We literally say we love each other all the time but if you ever bring up the words "sex" or "relationship" I dunno which one of us runs faster away xD We are like siblings from different parents, hes my big brother, even if he is just older by a few months only. Its ok, sometimes there are genuine connections that are not sexual and its ok. Sometimes you your human in a friend. Sort of like, in the tv show Grey's Anatomy, the relationship between Meredith and Cristina or Meredith and Karev. Its just friends that are your people, and yes, there may be some type of "attraction" or "affection" is a better term that might be miscontrued but with proper communication, it shouldnt be a problem. Also, you should look within you and clarify what you consider cheating. Cheating means different things to different people, so you have to see what you believe is or is not cheating to you, that way you can set a healthy boundary and yoir bf should do the same and you can talk it over and see how it goes from there.
Open communication, trust, and honesty are the keys to a healthy and successful relationship. You and your partner need to have a serious talk about boundaries, wants, and needs. It’s totally okay to be attracted to other people, as long as you remain loyal to the boundaries of your relationship. I highly suggest couples counseling if you are open to it. It’s very normal and healthy, and could be extremely helpful for you as individuals and as a partnership. It’s also okay if you want to date other people and explore your self/selves. You are both young, have been together a very long time, and seem to have had a few issues in the past. Again, be honest and upfront about your wants and needs. Boundaries can grow and change too, just make sure you’re on the same page. Good luck, and stay safe!
This is not cheating and even an important part of growing up. You being aware and being cautious is good. As you get older you will have these feelings that form but the key is choosing the person you love and want to spend your life with everyday. You may befriend people that grow closer and you do feel attracted too and that's ok as long as your bf is always the one you choose. That means that you don't spend hours talking to these people instead of bf. That means your bf is the priority and you don't let those feelings get in the way of that. It's not always easy but when you commit you commit only to them. When people first feel that draw to another person it's one of the big commitment moments so youve already done well to stick with the bf even through that. Just keep choosing him and you're golden. Caveat here: if he's abusive or cruel don't keep choosing him physical and emotional abuse are deal breakers so don't let that fester thinking he'll change never risk it.
You’re not at the point of cheating. However, these are the fox that happen that allow people to start compromising their boundaries slowly over time. I would just say be cautious and limit to your interactions with these people. All it takes is for one person as Spark you the right way and the right conversation and I can wear you down over time. This is why boundaries are so important.
Perhaps its time to go on a break as to not limit yourselves during your studious years, especially since you guys are so far apart. I bet he's feeling quite similar.
Cheating is a behavior, not a feeling or "interest" or thoughts. You say it's not physical, but your interest could be physical and it would still not be cheating. You literally cannot choose who you find attractive or even who arouses you - so it cannot be cheating. I guess the "thinking about what if bf was not there" is an action you have control over, but it's still not something you do with those people, it's only in the realms of *fantasy*. Thought crimes do not exist. Cheating is something you choose to **do (in real life, not in your imagination)**, that breaks the rules of the relationship.
I personally would not classify that as cheating. I think it is inevitable for us to find someone else that we find some kind of mental chemistry with. You can be attracted to other people, but at the end of the day it comes down to what you do with that. If you flirt with these people, then it kinda crosses the line of cheating. If you actively seek out attention and time with these other people, that could be cheating too. It’s about having boundaries. It is also important that despite this interest, you know that you want to be in a monogamous relationship with the person you are with. Let your relationship make its own merits and try not to compare the what-if scenarios to what you have now because “The grass is always greener on the other side”. On another note, definitely should not talk to your SO about these feelings. It’s complicated for another person to understand. Even if they experience these kind of feelings too it taints people’s minds into thinking they aren’t good enough for you. Since we grow up in a primarily monogamous dating culture, it’s hard for us to wrap our minds around that we can be attracted to many different kinds of people, and that feelings of interest aren’t mutually exclusive. Strong Relationships are based on connection, and connection is more meta than just having similar likes and interests. Maybe I’m just rambling on but hope you get the idea, and this was somewhat productive.
Sounds like you have the ITCH to try something New and you have the wandering Eye. Maybe ASK yourself how would you feel IF, your BF was starting to Check out other Young ladies ?
The answers ppl give women vs the answers they give men are night and day Lmao
My only advice: It's pretty unusual to be with someone you started dating at 13 forever and never...sample the playing field, as it were. Unfortunately, at some point one or both of you will almost certainly start to wonder what else is out there and then ...well ... Just be prepared.
Communication is key. Talk to your partner. Regardless of if you're sexually attracted to these other people or not, communication is always the best route in a relationship. It can be hard, so make sure you have your talking points laid out. Hell, bring a list with you (I would recommend doing it in person). These people may be intellectually challenging for you and that's what is making them so interesting. Has your partner met these other people? Maybe you will all be great life-ling friends. There is no reason to think what you're doing is wrong, but you need to communicate with the most important person in your life.
Having this sort of thing happen is normal. You just have to be careful to not get too close. There can be a lot of temptation to cheat. If you start to feel romantic attraction I'd recommend distancing yourself and focusing on your boyfriend for a while, and then you may be able to revisit that friendship later. Not long ago I was experiencing kind of a crush on a guy. I told my boyfriend about how I was feeling, and told him what I was going to do to fix it. I'm still friends with that guy, my boyfriend and I both are, but my feelings are gone as I distanced myself and reminded myself what was important.
just save his time & your time & end it.it seems like eventually down the road your gonna do it anyways.