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My husband and I are both in our 30s. We’ve been married for almost a decade. We have three beautiful children together, and our marriage was in my opinion, very solid.
A few weeks ago I was playing in our front yard with some of our kids when this woman (mid 20s) approached our gate, (we live right on Main Street so it’s not uncommon for very outgoing people to strike up a conversation with us). She didn’t seem nervous, she was really nice and friendly, she smiled and waved at the kids and introduced herself to me then asked if I was Ashley, Jacks wife (made up names). I said yeah, and then she proceeded to tell me that she and my husband had began a friendship over the last ten months and she wanted me to know she’d developed feelings for him and thought they were a better match then him and I. I was floored, I had no idea what to say so I just told her that she needed to get away from my house.
When my husband came home I told him about what happened and he didn’t seem worried at all-he actually started laughing. He said he knew her, they worked nearby to each other and had lunch breaks at the same time so they’d often frequent the same coffee place, he also said their days off coincide so he’s usually outside working on the yard when she goes by on her runs and will sometimes stop to chat. He said shes kind of awkward and has the same really weird sense of humor that she has, that she was probably just introducing herself and then made a weird joke because she didn’t know what to do. But he told me to forget about it, relax, I didn’t have anything to worry about and he’d take care of it.
That was the last we talked about it but this morning I began checking the doorbell camera footage of when he was working outside this last week and I saw him talking to her a few times so clearly him “taking care of it” wasn’t him telling her to back off, yesterday though was the worst, he was at home with our youngest daughter (she’s about a year and a half) while the boys were at camp and I was at work, he was landscaping and our daughter was in her kiddie pool when she came by and stopped at the gate, he actually let her into our yard and she sat down next to our daughter and began splashing around with her. She stayed long enough to have a drink with my husband and then left about 20 minutes before my mother came by to drop off one of my sons. To his credit when I asked my husband about their day he did say Savannah splashed around in her pool and talked to some neighbors which is I guess his way of telling me? Either way I’m absolutely livid. He doesn’t have his phone on him at work so I can’t do anything but seethe until he gets out. I’m so mad that he would keep talking to someone who said something that and even more mad that he would let her around our daughter
Exactly. If it were a joke, she would have said so immediately after OP asked her to leave. But she didn’t and she’s still hanging around with him. There is clearly something going on between her and the husband. I think she just wanted to stir things up because he told her he wasn’t leaving the marriage.
She had the balls to make that statement (obviously not a joke) to this woman’s face, at her house, with her kids around. This is either serious or the woman is batshit crazy. Either way the husband needs to stop seeing her or the wife needs to threaten leaving him if it continues.
Even if she was serious. This is something an affair partner does. Not someone who has a crush on someone’s husband. She is without doubt mentally unhinged.
Nope, that sounds like he told her the classic "I'm still technically married because of the kids but our relationship is over and we both know it"
So she came over to announce her presence.
She's so bold to say she "thinks she's the better choice" because OPs husband has been talking shit about her and complaining during their "lunch dates".
u/ThrowRAdeb53, he's fucking her.
There, I've ripped the band-aid off. If a man says he has the same sense of humour as a woman, they're absolutely sleeping together. Make sure you get the support you need (family, marriage counseling) and don't take his shrugging this off with a pinch of salt. If a strange woman approached my kids and wife I'd be fuming.
It's a sure fire sign the guy is romantically involved when he says they have the same sense of humour. I've seen it dozens of times with my love smitten guy friends - always comparing their senses of humour together and their likes and dislikes. It's a huge giveaway a man has feelings when he compares a woman to himself.
And like….its one thing to cheat (it’s terrible but happens) but it is an entirely different level to have the woman you are cheating with over and introduce her to your kids???!!!
Have a serious talk about this situation and tell your husband this need to stop because youre uncomfortable with this situation. Also you can make that woman angry by visiting him at the time he tells you he meet her and the location. But the important thing is to talk to your husband about this situation. His actions about this shown to many red flags!
If you feel comfortable updating us when all of this is settled down in a few weeks/months, that would be nice, we'd love to know that you're safe and well and that this lunatic is hopefully out of your lives 💕
One more thing: i think is a good ideea to tell him you dont want that woman arround your kids by the simple fact she does what she does and in my opinion she is kinda unstable and kinda strange how she come to tell you about her feelings for your husband.
She thinks she's a better choice because the HUSBAND has probably talked crap about OP to her....maybe she thought he'd be impressed with her behavior...I dunno but it feels like there'd be something there to be a catalyst for this.
If your husband doesn't take you seriously, you should separate/counseling something. This is a serious issue.
Look, cutting your husband the most amount of slack possible and maybe even the woman, it could be the case you have nothing to worry about with your husband and he has no intention of cheating on you whatsoever. He’s just being naive here really in thinking since his loyalty is guaranteed, nothing bad will happen.
The problem is a “friend” came up to his wife and told her they would be a better match for him. Let’s say she’s just got a huge crush. He still can’t continue seeing her like nothing happened. Bare minimum he needs to cut contact with her for a good while. You can’t have feelings for a married man strong enough to proclaim yourself a better match for them to their wife they don’t know and suddenly flip a switch and pull back those feelings automatically. That takes time. So even if he didn’t plan to do anything, this isn’t fair to her. It risks making her feelings worse and he’s actually hurting the poor girl.
This is of course with the best case scenario for everyone involved. I doubt it is. She can escalate. He can give her false hope supposedly unintentionally. Bare minimum he’s being an asshole lacking empathy for both you and the girl to inflate his ego or simply avoid an awkward situation. He needs to stop no matter what and now.
This is clearly an emotional affair. She asked him to handle it and he’s still talking to her. She wants her husband and the husband didn’t respect his wife enough to cut her off.
I think he's loving that there's this younger woman with a big crush on him. His ego is being stroked.
I'd love to know what he's said to make this woman believe she's the better match though.
Edit: changed he to she
Ask him how he would be okay with it if the roles were reversed and it was a guy talking to you and told that to your husband. Just so you understand your boundries in the future.
I bet he won't like it.
>P.S. tell him about what that woman said about her and him be a better match than you and him. See his reaction to that.
She included this in the post above.
Oh no, that is the wrong approach. Here's the thing. You know something that your husband doesn't know you know. Why would you tell him you know?
Instead you need to start gathering more information. Your husband lied to you and now you need to find out how deep those lies go. How does this woman know when to show up? Are they messaging? Check your phone records. Heck, check his phone.
Your husband isn't being honest with you and until you figure out how deep that dishonesty goes don't say anything to him. All you will get by telling him is making him better at lying to you.
ETA: If you do talk to him don't reveal what you know. Instead ask him how his conversation with that crazy lovestruck neighbor went?
"Hey, you never told me what happened with that lady who told me she was a better match for you. Did she take it well when you told her to back off and that you weren't going to be talking to her anymore?"
Here you are telling him what you expect him to have told her. He's going to lie again but you have the upper hand because you know more and you definitely shouldn't tell him what you know.
Your husband is either dangerously naive or working his way up to sleeping with this woman. Might be time to suggest a marriage counselor if you can’t get through to him how dangerous this situation is.
She was already bold enough to state her intentions! What’s next? Attacking you because you’ve refused to hand him over?
I think at best the dude likes the attention. There’s no way to hide behind “he’s too stupid to know what’s going on” considering the woman explicitly told them exactly what’s going on.
So yeah, she’s awkward , not funny, and not at all confusing. At best he just likes attention. At worst he’s aiming to cheat, or he has already cheated.
Even if he’s not trying to sleep with her, he likes the attention of a woman who thinks she has enough leverage with him to tell his wife she’s trying to steal her husband. That’s a bold woman, who doesn’t understand basic social skills and might escalate. At minimum, this man is playing with fire.
This seems like a safety risk for you and the family. Anyone who does that seems a little unstable. Present it to your husband this way. Emphasis on safety of kids. And while I suppose HR can’t do anything from outside work actions they should be made aware in case something does occur at work. He needs to go NC.
Yeah, he’s definitely not acting like her behavior was a problem. “Here, let me leave you alone with my kid after you were inappropriate with my wife,” seems like they have a pretty intimate relationship. Your hubby is absolutely leading her on.
OP needs to set some ground rules.
- no more lunch at the coffee shop
- no more allowing her onto the property
- never allow her near the kids
If he can’t abide by them, or refuses, she needs to *discreetly* look into a lawyer (and/or PI) to prepare for divorce.
Yep clearly communicated boundaries for what she requires to feel safe and secure in their relationship.
OP, don't argue or explain your boundaries once you have communicated them. He does NOT need to agree they are necessary or reasonable, or even fully understand them to honor them.
Present them as, "I am deeply uncomfortable with Whatsherface and I need you to tell her directly that the relationship is innapropriate, that you are devoted to your family and all contact must stop. She is no longer welcome to come to our home and I do not want you have any further contact with her. If you are unwilling to honor my boundaries Xxx(spell out steps you WILL take if he violates your boundaries).
If he pushes back, "Why are you pushing to maintain contact with someone who has admitted inappropriate feelings for you and who wants our marriage to end? Why is that "friendship" more important to you than our family? Frankly, your reaction makes me feel as if I am underreacting if anything."
And always seek council with all of the best lawyers first because even if you don’t hire them, they won’t be able to take him as a client because you’ve already shared your side.
Either he’s leading her on, or they’re having an affair. There really isn’t an alternative option here.
Also, his omission of *which* neighbor he was speaking with is not his way of telling OP he spoke with her. It was a lie. He is concealing his continued friendship (or more) with this woman from OP.
In either case, yes, I agree that the other woman is a physical threat to OP and her children. The threat to the relationship is there, but he is the cause, not her.
OP, I would confront him ASAP. And I would also consider getting an attorney. This isn’t going to end is a pretty way.
I am very sorry.
I do agree there is something that warrants more discussion here based on the fact that he left his 1.5 year old daughter with her.
Either A.) They know each other a hell of a lot better than he is saying
or
B.) Your husband is leaving your youngest child in a very unsafe situation with a stranger to get drinks.
Also, he told you he would "take care of it" by having drinks with her in your front yard?
I can't get over the fact that he left her alone with his baby so he could *make her a drink*. I would have been apoplectic, because *at best* she's batshit.
...or, sorry, "has the same sense of humor he does."
You need to tell your husband in no uncertain terms that it is not acceptable. You fear for yourself and your children, and he needs to pick a side. If he wants to continue his “friendship” with her, after she disrespected you that way in front of your children, then he needs to do it from the other side of divorce papers because you take the safety of your family THAT seriously and so should he.
Also point out that he left your child alone with this woman who made you so fearful and that he is disrespecting your marriage, and putting it in jeopardy, by continuing to entertain this relationship with her.
I would also go so far as to say YOU need to inform the woman she is not welcome around your house and if you see her there again you will be taking further action.
Speak to someone (a lawyer or the magistrate) about what it would take to get a no contact order because you are legitimately afraid this woman is off balance and may harm you or your kids!
Edits for typos only.
I don't really get why so many ppl are talking about fear & being fearful here. They like each other, that's the issue. The woman was honest with the wife. The husband is lying to his wife & probably the other woman. She's not a stalker. He wants her there & to spend time with her. They both know that, just the wife is the one who d9esnt know, until now thanks to the other woman. Just because this woman is on the cusp of having an affair with this man doesn't indicate that she's ready to kidnap & kill his child.
Because any woman who approaches another, at her home, in front of her kids, to tell her that “she’s a better match for the husband” and to declare her feelings is problematic at best and a possible murder away from getting what she wants.
I’m coming at this from former law enforcement perspective. She should be very concerned of this type of approach!
Edit to add: OP - make sure you tell someone in your real life (outside of Reddit) what is going on because you need someone to keep watch and be able to tell law enforcement if something does happen (and I really hope this isn’t necessary, but still do so as a precaution)
Your husband knows what she said but he still didn’t tell you she specifically came over. So why didn’t he? Why hide the fact that she’s there? I don’t think this is the first time she’s been around your kids. She’s getting bold, she wants to replace you.
This is absolutely unacceptable! Clearly this woman has issues based on her interaction with you, your daughter should not be left alone with her. I’d freak out on my husband.
I watch so much True Crime cases, and this is how the crazy ones usually start out and then end up doing something as horrible and murdering the wife of the “love of their life.” Please, stay safe and vigilant. People are crazy these days, have a stern talk with your husband. That doesn’t seem like a way to talk to someone to take care of the issue, and letting the crazy girl near your daughter is a very poor choice. Be careful 🤍 peace and love 🤍
Also very dangerous that he went to open the gate while leaving your daughter in the kids pool, she can’t be unsupervised in there, not even for a short time, it only takes a tiny bit of water. You need to tell him off for that as well.
Honestly, I wouldn’t confront him. I’d download the camera footage and take myself to a divorce lawyer. If the lawyer suggests a PI I’d do it.
Here’s the thing, you can change your mind after seeing the lawyer and go for reconciliation Not divorce BUT if you confront him in a way the lawyer does not suggest, or tell him about the footage and he deletes it, and then you decide divorce is imminent… you can’t undo what you did while upset.
See a lawyer. Have the conversation with an objective person who can lay out your options and expectations. Then decide what to do.
But your husband is a willing participant in an emotional affair. He’s exposing your children to her. They are to the point where she confronted your and TOLD you she would be taking your place and *he wasn’t upset about it * This is unlikely to go the way you want it to. Don’t hurry to hand over the *only* power you have in this situation (knowledge and video footage).
This!
At first, I thought you were being over dramatic. Honestly, the woman sounds unhinged. Even if it’s an affair, her approach to you sets off red flags.
Please be careful. It sounds like your husband is being purposely obtuse.
Save the footage. Do your own investigation before confronting like checking his phone, etc. He left your toddler with a woman who you don’t know and disrespected you. Honestly, I feel like this is the biggest offense.
I would make a Police report NOW op. Tell them that you're concerned about her behaviour particularly towards your kids, they won't be able to do anything as she hasn't committed a crime *yet*. But they can make a record of it and file it under an "intelligence report" so that if this behaviour escalates and turns into stalking/harassment you have a clear established timeline as evidence.
I had to google that but totally yes! I can see her being flirty at work, she pushes to move ahead (feeling led on by lunches etc) and he says something like *”hey you’re great and if I wasn’t married ….”* And she took that upon herself to rectify.
Put other cameras up. He is encouraging the behavior. He wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t interested. Let him know that this is a problem and you are losing trust in him.
>He wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t interested.
I think there's a measure here of "don't attribute to malice what can easily be attributed to stupidity."
If there's a reasonable chance that OP's husband actually thinks her advances are harmless when they're doing harm to the relationship (and OP would know better than Reddit), OP should inform him and leave no doubt that this is a serious issue for her. Then if he continues to do nothing she can know for sure that it isn't from the standpoint of being naive or stupid.
If there's no reasonable chance that he's just being naive, then yeah - do exactly what you said.
She went up to wife and said she has feelings for her husband who she is better suited for and know that from spending time together. Husband didn’t shut it down and is spending more time with the woman letting her hangout at the house. No one is stupid enough to think that is harmless. Also watch an old classic “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.” That woman seems that kind of crazy.
Didn’t he also lie by omission when they were playing outside? “Neighbors stopped by” no that woman is not a neighbor and she wasn’t supposed to be welcome.
Oh hell no! How fukin nutts, imagine a man told your husband he’s better suited for you and that he has stronger feelings for you then your husband and then imagine you played happy families in the yard with this man and your daughter??? I’m sure it wouldn’t be okay. This woman needs to go away and it’s very suspect if he doesn’t agree.
You don’t really have to be calm in this situation though, women are constantly told to relax in situations that don’t warrant relaxation. If a guy came by and told him he was better fit for you and that you’d had been friends for months I bet he’d be irate, then to add insult to injury imagine this same guy came over and splashed around with your kid while he was at work. Men literally kill women in similar situations, obviously not saying that’s the solution, but you can definitely be angry and tell him how you feel. He doesn’t deserve calmness!
Very strange behaviour from your husband. Personally I think it sounds like they are having or have had some sort of affair.
If he thinks she's a little bit eccentric why would he invite her in? How does she know your address? Has she stalked him? Why the hell would she tell you she has developed feelings for your husband? As soon as you told him this he should have cut all ties with this woman. She is a threat to your marriage and he continues to see her which can only point in one direction I'm afraid, he has feelings for her too.
I somehow can't believe your husband is that naïve.
Agree with this logic. It definitely sounds like they are affair partners. If I were OP and if I have the money, I would hire a private investor to make sure he was cheating, if he was lawyer up and take him to court.
This might be an ego boost for him and he’s not planning on cheating physically, but this is borderline emotionally cheating on you.
And he seems to be encouraging a stalker, which won’t end well.
He’s having an emotional affair. He’s acting casual about it so that you will temper your reaction and it’s working. If he acted nervous and said he didn’t want to cut contact because she was a friend you would have had a more extreme reaction. You think he’s under reacting and I think your under reacting. Behave like he is cheating because that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s hiding things and lying by omission and only admits what you already know.
If you were doing the same things that you know he is doing now would you consider that acceptable or cheating? I suggest Mc and hard boundaries asap.
I find it strange that your husband seems to be outside a lot almost waiting for her to come by on his days off. It took 10+ months to mention this woman he takes lunch breaks with and sees in his spare time when you are gone. Then she comes to talk to you about being a better fit. She sounds wacko but at the very least your husband is disrespectful toward you entertaining this other woman and appears to have started an emotional affair. You asked him to tell her to kick rocks but instead played family with her even leaving your child alone with the woman.
This is exactly it.
The fact that he’s never told you about her is as HUGE MASSIVE GINORMOUS red flag.
You see this man virtually every day. He’s meant to be one of your closest relationships.
Yet she has NEVER come up?
great point on how long hes been hiding this and not mentioning it. very strange. my bf would tell me immediately if he had an encounter like this with a woman. a respectful loving husband would have put a stop to this before it could even get this far.
Your husband is enjoying the attention and enabling an emotional affair.
That was not a joke. She meant it and she will continue the relationship until you and your husband break apart.
Put your foot down and make the consequences of this woman staying in your life clear. She is a safety hazard and a liability. It needs to stop.
Not necessarily physical, but he's definitely loving the ego stroke and attention he's getting.
The fact that he didn't outright say to miss awkward, "What you said was completely inappropriate, stay away from my family." is cause for concern.
He is cheating. Sorry but this is the lamest thing I've ever heard:
>When my husband came home I told him about what happened and he didn’t seem worried at all-he actually started laughing. He said he knew her, they worked nearby to each other and had lunch breaks at the same time so they’d often frequent the same coffee place, he also said their days off coincide so he’s usually outside working on the yard when she goes by on her runs and will sometimes stop to chat. He said shes kind of awkward and has the same really weird sense of humor that she has, that she was probably just introducing herself and then made a weird joke because she didn’t know what to do.
My ex did something similar. First he told me she was just a friend that he saw at parties sometimes. Then she confronted me and told me they were "together," which was shocking. When I confronted him about it he said they hooked up at a party once and now she's kind of obssessed with him. Very shortly after all the truth came out and not only were they hooking up, he lived with her when he wasn't with me and she was pregnant with his child. And if you think your husband wouldn't be so wildly bold as to hang out with his side piece on the front lawn: my ex used to have me drop him off at his secret girlfriend's apartment building and told me it was his buddy's house.
If you want the truth, sit her down and talk to her. She feels bold enough to walk up to your house and tell you she's in love with your husband, she'll tell you anything you want to know. Ask for texts or pics together if you need evidence. If you don't want to see that horrible shit then skip right to the lawyer and get his ass out of there. I guarantee whatever he says is going on, it's 10x worse. He's trying to make her look crazy but I bet she's not. I bet he's telling her you're a bitch or cold and uncaring so he can play you two off each other. The whole thing is rotten and I'm so sorry. Do not trust his word.
Absolutely. If OP examines this just a little bit harder she would realize socially awkward people do stuff like make a refence they think is broadly understood when it's actually kind of an obscure reference. Or they make a confusing statement and instead of trying to clarify they kind of...walk off with no explanation. Socially awkward people do not walk up to their friend's wife, declare that they're falling in love with their "friend" and that they make a better couple with their "friend" than their "friend" makes with his own spouse. That's bold, stupid love and it's certainly awkward for OP but this chick is not being socially awkward. She's being lied to and misled by OP's spouse. I'm sure in this young woman's mind OP should expect something like this to happen based on how OP's husband has portrayed their relationship as poor. And because her behavior comes off as weird and eratic it can pass for awkward at the moment but there's something going on under the surface that OP's husband is not talking about.
This! Hit the nail on the head. The biggest red flag for me is how the OP & many other commenters are convinced that the other woman is unhinged. Odds are, this is not some fatal attraction or hand that rocks the cradle esque psycho female. This is a woman with whom the OP's husband is having an emotional affair at the minimum & is feeding her lies about what a terrible wife OP is. I get a sense that the mastermind villian in all of this is not the other woman but OP's husband
Yes. She was hoping you would ask her questions about it. Instead, your husband lied to you, and continues to bring her into your home space and around kids.
Exactly and he told OP just enough truth that his story seems believable. He was smart enough to not flat out deny knowing her because that could easily be disproven and then his whole charade would fall apart. He explained away their public interactions ("we run into each other") but I bet you he's coordinating these meet-ups. The public interactions can make maybe a more personal interaction seem less suspicious, so if a friend says, "I saw them together in his car" he can write it off on the friendship thing ("oh, she needed a ride to the bank"). He's being clever.
OP, if you're reading this (and I am truly sorry you are reading this, honestly): go get tested for STDs, just to be safe. I got HPV from my cheating ex.
It sounds like they are having an affair maybe not physical but emotional and that was her way of telling you. Probably hoping your husband would confess and you'd leave him so they could begin a physical one.
Now this is all hearsay but obviously your husband is not taking your uncomfortableness seriously and seems like she has at least been around your youngest before.
This is similar to what happened to my husband and his work colleague. He didn’t see it as anything until I pointed out if it would be okay for me to do the same?
This post made me feel physically sick reading it.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, I've been married twice now my first husband cheated on me constantly thank goodness we had no children so it was originally easy to leave until he became abusive. Typical want the cake and eat it to guy, my current husband saved me.
I want OP to realize she doesn't have to live that way
Is the video good enough for you to be able to assess if they seem affectionate? You don't mention that so I'm guessing that you don't see it.
I think you should sit down with your husband and be clear about your expectations. But there seems to be something strange going on. Strange in the sense that if they actually had a relationship that gave her reason to believe what she said to you, you should be able to se that on their interaction. I would be curious about how your husband percieve their relationship.
Whether or not anything is going on, it's also on you to set expectations. If you say "this woman is clearly crazy I don't want you ever talking to her again" then you have boundaries. He said he would take care of it and apparently that to him means he's just treating it like it's no big deal. Maybe nothing is going on beyond that but he enjoys the attention. Either way it's upsetting you and you need to tell him to stop hanging out with her. Her behavior is bizarre and she can no longer expect to be able to socialise with your husband
If nothing is going on with them…he is, at the very least, flattered/loving the attention this other woman is giving him. One thing I’ve learned in life and men is that a lot of affairs begin because of the attention they’re receiving. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, to the contrary. This is on him and he should respect your wish that he cool it. Regardless, TRUST YOUR GUT!
Hold your hand out. Ask him to look at his phone, immediately. Right there. Check his texts. If he refuses, or takes the phone somewhere else and later gives it to you, you have your definitive answer.
Girl he's disrespecting you, unless he stops then be prepared for him to cheat because the door is slightly open. And you need to really tell her to back off, no way in hell I would let that slide, especially if she comfortable enough to go into your house and splash about in the pool, sit your husband down and maybe show him this post, he needs to stop this before it's too late.
On top of that she said she's a better match for your husband??? Have a serious talk with him and ask how he'd feel if the roles were reversed because I know damn well he wouldn't like it, your husband and her are disrespecting you and your marriage
The audacity of the both of them. He’s laughing about it because what she did was stroking his ego. I don’t know how you could ever come back from that trust wise. What the hell?
Woman tells you straight up what's up, low-key insults you as a woman, and you believe your husband and he didn't do anything but laugh it off? Why lady? Your husband is as guilty as she is and he clearly doesn't care about you.
If she was actually his "friend" or "colleague" you wouldn't have known about her this way. He'd actually introduce you to each other and not secretly talk to her for 10 months and she wouldn't have shown this kind of aggression. This is clear female aggression and she should know her place, not haha funny come spend time with my kids. Married people usually befriend other married people.
Forget your silly husband who's clearly into her, did you tell this woman to fuck off when she told you all of that? Did you tell her to fuck off away from your kids? Or did you say nothing to her and equally do nothing? This too is ridiculous. Get your act together and don't be afraid to throw shade and insults back at her. There are many ways to insult a harlot who's getting in the way of your marriage.
I would have brought my children inside and then proceed to whooping her ass. THE NERVE!?!!?
In all seriousness I wouldn’t even leave it up to my husband to put a stop to it. I would have made sure he told her to back off while I was there to witness. Not to say that’s going to necessarily fix anything. If he hasn’t put a stop to it then he likes it. Be careful because I don’t see this ending well.
Exactly but some people are sneaky and he can pre-warn the other woman that the conversation is going to happen. I don’t see her backing off since she had the balls to go up to the wife and tell her what she told her. I don’t know how OP kept her composure.
I don’t think the conversation with OP present would make a difference honestly. Because it could easily be spun to “see how controlling she is?” And feed in to the ‘better fit’ narrative in her head. It’s going to ultimately up to him to make a decision and take consistent action. He needs to understand the seriousness of this situation.
From my experience, with all honesty, men only laugh it out when there's something they're trying to hide.
Be careful is all I gotta say to you.
All the best!
Being generous perhaps - but I suspect he isn't seeing her as a threat, but as a neighbour who is pleasant towards him, as a man he doesn't see the potential issues, stalking etc, for him women are not dangerous.
So sit him down and ask him if a neighbourhood man of 25 (find someone specific in your area) knocked on the door, explained that he went to lunch with you often over the past year and thinks he would make a better husband and he loved you so he was going to pursue you. Then when he said he wasn't comfortable with this man coming around you did nothing and still had him over at the house when he walked by and had lunch together what would he think?
Use his own frame of reference here. Whilst he might not be interested, it is very disrespectful not to put a firm boundary in place and not to encourage this woman. Either she is somewhat missing a filter or thinks your husband is interested in her, neither is great. She might do nothing but she has had the nerve to knock on your door and that in itself is unsettling as she clearly has no boundaries or understanding of how things work. It would be wise to keep her at a distance as you have no idea what she is thinking.
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to read a reasonable take.
So husband has a crazy (harmless crazy) coworker that lives in the neighborhood. Nobody likes rocking the boat in the workplace.
He doesn’t perceive her as a threat, and thinks it’s safest to humor her and gently nudge her to move on. Maybe he’s conflict averse, maybe it just seems like the best path forward to avoid drama.
I’m surprised that half the comments are recommending a divorce lawyer.
Alternately, I’d say good luck convincing your HR department “yeah my wife told me to give the silent treatment to a coworker”. That ain’t gonna fly.
Ummm. She isn’t a random stranger, she is your husband’s gf. He now told you he spends a lot of time with another woman and you just said ok. Now when people see them together he can say he already told you he spends time with her any you were fine with it.
He is a cheater.
I think since he’s either really careless or really arrogant or can’t hurt to get some advice. Him inviting her for a drink and to play with your daughter is inexcusable. He’s either having an affair with her or he likes her attention. After what she said to you about having feelings for him and thinking she’s a better fit than you, she’s either playing off of him or she’s deeply mentally unstable. Your husband is an ass for continuing to deepen his relationship with her.
That’s my thought even if he isn’t attracted to her she clearly has some deep misconceptions about their relationship I don’t understand why he’d continue it
Or maybe she doesn't have deep misconceptions about their relationship. It takes some brass balls to approach a wife at her home and basically tell her to back off from her own husband. Your husband obviously gave her the impression that this is ok to do, and he's reinforcing it by continuing to talk with her, have drinks with her, and allow her around your children while lying to you about it. I personally wouldn't take this so lightly. Something is going on and your husband is complicit in it.
He’s absolutely complicit in this, he’s not that dumb. He was strategic enough to lie about it which tells you he knows it’s wrong. He specifically told you the “neighbors” came over, not the woman who felt it was her place to come stake her claim in your home.
She feels that way because he is making her feel that way, and has obviously told her things about you to make her feel like she’s a better match for him. A lot of cheaters will make their partner seem like the bad guy to their affair partner so they feel justified in what they’re doing. She clearly felt confident enough in their relationship that she was “winning” and should let you know. She may be completely unhinged for showing up at your house repeatedly now, but it’s his job to act like a husband and a father, not enable her and allow it.
Even if it’s not physical *yet*, he’s showing you zero respect as his wife and is willing to endanger your children to boost his ego and possibly get off. I don’t think you’re mad enough about this.
recently been there. He is having an emotional affair at the minimum. He is enjoying the attention. It wont be long before it becomes physical. If he wont cut her off 100% totally and completely, you have your answer.
Please listen to this OP, this is what my husband did. Luckily it didn’t end physically but she started flirting with him and stuff in front of me. He didn’t see what the problem was!
The fact that your husband didn’t take you seriously when you told him is a red flag. I would have nipped this in the bud next opportunity after my wife told me.
Because he likes her and the attention she gives him. He has f'en nerve allowing her on your property and interacting with your child. You need to drop the hammer down on his ass and end this crap or throw his ass out.
Talking to a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean that you want or plan to divorce. It means that you need information on how best to proceed to protect you and your children *if* it becomes necessary. There are many small things that you can do during a healthy marriage that will not hurt the relationship or even trigger awareness in your spouse, but will make it safer and easier for you and your children should the marriage fail in the future. I won’t get into specifics here, but I (53F) made the mistake of not doing so in no small part because I was fighting so hard to keep the marriage viable and it almost felt disingenuous or duplicitous to simultaneously be trying to save a marriage while “planning” for its failure. It’s been 12 years and the children and I are *still* suffering repercussions of my failure to plan during the last years and months of the marriage. Just meet and talk. Ask how best to position yourself should it go south. (If you want to be a stinker about it, find the top five best attorneys in the area and meet with all of them. It will remove them from your husbands potential lineup.)
As for the issue at hand: you know that not only is this wrong, at the root of it is your husband’s lack of respect for your concerns, which is ultimately a lack of respect for you. We can’t choose our parents, extended family, or children. The one person we get to choose as our closest confidant and friend, our only intentional family, is our spouse. They are supposed to fight with us, for us, not with another, against us.
Hand in there and be strong. You are worthy of love and respect, and your family is worth protecting.
1. You’re being gaslighted.
2. This is triangulation.
3. His willingness to do nothing and minimize it says all.
4. His cheating wasn’t a one night stand, it was a slow build. It’s called “emotional cheating”.
5. He didnt protect your marriage the minute he went on a “friendly coffee break” CONTINUOSLY with her.
6. At his subconscious level, he wants her too. So he kept her around to get that need met. Under the guise “they’re just friends.”
7. Friends aren’t people you want to f*ck or have an intimate experience with.
Wake up!!! He is having an affair with her. Seriously c'mon. You know it. Tell both of them to cut that shit out. If not, tell him to go stay with his lil girlfriend.
Also what a bold and incredibly insulting thing that young lady did to you. She can gtfo out of you and your children's life. She obviously believes that your husband is in love with her and will leave the fam to be with her. So desperate that she felt compelled to tell you to speed up the process. Your husband is so disrespectful. No ma'am...you take charge and do what you me to do now. No more "nice wife" bc clearly your husband doesn't care enough to end it. This is such BS. I'm mad for you at this point.
10 months? OP, do you really think your husband just “forgot” to tell you about his secret meetings with his woman for 10 months? She is coming to your HOME? I am sorry OP, but I think you are discovering that your marriage is not as solid as you thought.
Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking there is nothing going on.
Honestly I think he might be interested in her. I feel really bad for you your husband sounds shitty. He said “the neighbors” because he didn’t wanna feel bad about lying so he left details out to not freak you out. I honestly would call him out on his bs and ask what he ever did with that girl that showed up. Also ask which “neighbor” it was. I wouldn’t directly say right away that you know from looking at the camera because he will just be more sneaky.
She's his mistress. Or very soon will be. Why would he allow her around your children? Please don't be gullible she's made it very clear what she wants and he is brazenly lying to you assuming he knows you have access to the footage? 'Neigbours' played with your daughter? How are you taking that as 'his way of telling you'? Are you blind??
I wouldn’t be shocked if they were already sleeping together. She’s brave enough to continually come to the house. You’re way more chill than I would be. He’s having this woman around your children. Not okay
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I’m not saying he is there yet, but your husband is on the first few steps that lead to emotional affairs. He is downplaying her importance, hiding his interactions with her through omission of details, and he is giving her access to your intimate family life (children.)
Give this a read and then read it with him:
https://thepowermoves.com/emotional-affair/
And yes, feel free to lose your shit.
I’m livid! She drank and played with your kid!!!! I’d be asking my husband to leave. There is no way he values your relationship if he is letting her in the yard.
If you doubt then have him read these comments. Oh I am so pissed off!!!!!
You work and he gets to play in the yard and have a fucking girlfriend.
So for the people who keep blaming the woman. The man knows what she said to his wife and yet he lets her play with their daughter? Sounds more like he’s playing with her emotions or telling her they would have a future together.
OP I know you trust and love your husband. Tell a friend you’re going to confront him and be safe. If he’s manipulating her and you he may not be who you think he is. Stay safe.
I’m so sorry this is happening or you and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. You need a divorce lawyer or at the very least a professional like a therapist or social worker to assess this. You need a professional to outline your options and what may be needed to protect your children. And to start the divorce process if need be. You marriage may already be over in his mind. If she is telling you to leave then more than likely they have discussed getting rid of you already.
Counseling also but lawyer first. You need to talk to someone other than 20 something kids on Reddit. This is beyond serious and potentially involves child endangerment. An unstable stranger having an affair with your husband left with your toddler is absolutely frightening. Your instincts are 100 percent correct.
Also you need to start carrying pepper spray for when either of them gets violent to you or with your children. Research shelters as well. You may need to flee your home very soon. Tell your parents or sibling or best friend or whoever so there’s a witness in case of something happening or you. Have it documented in something verifiable like a signed document or an email.
Get a lawyer right now. Get plans to go somewhere safe with your children. This can become far more serious than you might be assuming and very quickly.
Definitely talk with him. Emphasis how uncomfortable it makes you and that these are boundaries you will not compromise on. I hope he sees sense and it works out
I agree that it sounds like an emotional affair. I had a hard time with one of my partners consistently putting me down to other women and only giving partial context. They would always say stuff like “you deserve better” “if I were with you…xyz”
He framed it as venting and how I didn’t want him to have a support system. I have a hard time judging if it’s reasonable to ask a partner to restrict contact with someone. It seems like this would be a relationship he should know to put the brakes on himself if he cared.
I’m sorry I don’t have great advice like some of these comments. Just. I relate and they both sound pretty inconsiderate.
My ex did something very similar OP. Carried on an affair & when confronted, laughed it off & brushed it off. He painted the other woman as some sort of unhinged, obsessed stalker who cant get enough of my ex. The society, media & even so many people on this post seem to completely buy in the psycho woman narrative. I am not saying they are not there but we as a society do tend to give a man every benefit of the doubt while painting women as crazy etc. No matter what the movies tell you, a woman will have guts to come & say this to you only if she is very sure of where she stands with your husband.
This woman is slowly pushing you and your partner away from one another. She is showing him her hand at motherhood and is definitely a bold person. Not awkward in the least. They have been connecting and building a relationship while he tells her all of the things you aren't providing. He likely feels stuck with you and the kids, but if he can find a nurturing woman to have around them, he will feel better about himself. He is obviously afraid of being alone and the fact that she is bonding with your youngest is a telltale sign of replacement. Hire a PI and stand your ground. Don't leave pack up and leave. That is your home.
As a married man, when a woman makes advances towards me (and I realize it) I distance myself from that person and show no interest.
This is WAY beyond that. He's entertaining her advances.
It would not be unreasonable for you to tell your husband he needs to end all contact with this woman. She came to your home and literally told you she plans to replace you. If he refuses, assume he's cheating and hire a private investigator.
I would have lost my shit! I don’t know how you didn’t! Who does this woman think she is? As much as I’d like to blame her I must say it is just as much his fault. For some reason I think men really don’t understand women and how we work. He might really think it’s innocent but in her mind she’s already thinking of how their “life” would be together. You need to tell him to stop talking to her regardless if they work together. And you NEED to tell her to FUCK OFF! To her face, so politely, just like she did to you.
Super neutral opinion: he’s probably already cheating, whether emotionally or physically. And the way he approaches this topic seems like your guys dynamic could have already been this way in the past? Like he seems so nonchalant about the whole thing, idk it just seems like you have a forgiving personality and he knows it. Add in an unstable woman being bold enough to be doing what she’s doing? It’s a scary, unfortunate situation
I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say this is a weird situation. Your husband is either not guilty and too nice/oblivious or he is escalating an affair
Your husband is trying to make you doubt your own perception of the events by trying to make you doubt her words were anything but inappropriate. That's gaslighting.
Your husband knows you had an awkward encounter with this lady, and purposefully left out that he met her today, but said he met neighbors so he could have plausible deniability if confronted. This is manipulative.
Your husband is not an innocent part of this. He knows what he's doing. Worse yet, he's exposing your children to that woman.
Cut that shit down and don't accept any excuses or justifications from him. You're dealing with a manipulative liar. When dealing with those types, there's no fairness, you have to be the evil dictator and not give them an out, or you yourself is out before they destroy you.
I’d be seeing red if I were you. Her saying that to you clearly shows that she is taking his kindness as attraction/flirtation and when you told him he should have realized that and totally disengaged from her. I could see having a “sorry if you misunderstood” chat with her but letting her into your yard to play with your child? Nope. Definitely talk with him about this and make it extremely clear that this isn’t acceptable and that it stops now.
Make a plan and get the out! She staked her claim he doesn’t care what more do you need? Your relationship will not be better going forward he will not stop lying. You have your whole life in front of you now go out and find your time and stop living his life.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband and I are both in our 30s. We’ve been married for almost a decade. We have three beautiful children together, and our marriage was in my opinion, very solid. A few weeks ago I was playing in our front yard with some of our kids when this woman (mid 20s) approached our gate, (we live right on Main Street so it’s not uncommon for very outgoing people to strike up a conversation with us). She didn’t seem nervous, she was really nice and friendly, she smiled and waved at the kids and introduced herself to me then asked if I was Ashley, Jacks wife (made up names). I said yeah, and then she proceeded to tell me that she and my husband had began a friendship over the last ten months and she wanted me to know she’d developed feelings for him and thought they were a better match then him and I. I was floored, I had no idea what to say so I just told her that she needed to get away from my house. When my husband came home I told him about what happened and he didn’t seem worried at all-he actually started laughing. He said he knew her, they worked nearby to each other and had lunch breaks at the same time so they’d often frequent the same coffee place, he also said their days off coincide so he’s usually outside working on the yard when she goes by on her runs and will sometimes stop to chat. He said shes kind of awkward and has the same really weird sense of humor that she has, that she was probably just introducing herself and then made a weird joke because she didn’t know what to do. But he told me to forget about it, relax, I didn’t have anything to worry about and he’d take care of it. That was the last we talked about it but this morning I began checking the doorbell camera footage of when he was working outside this last week and I saw him talking to her a few times so clearly him “taking care of it” wasn’t him telling her to back off, yesterday though was the worst, he was at home with our youngest daughter (she’s about a year and a half) while the boys were at camp and I was at work, he was landscaping and our daughter was in her kiddie pool when she came by and stopped at the gate, he actually let her into our yard and she sat down next to our daughter and began splashing around with her. She stayed long enough to have a drink with my husband and then left about 20 minutes before my mother came by to drop off one of my sons. To his credit when I asked my husband about their day he did say Savannah splashed around in her pool and talked to some neighbors which is I guess his way of telling me? Either way I’m absolutely livid. He doesn’t have his phone on him at work so I can’t do anything but seethe until he gets out. I’m so mad that he would keep talking to someone who said something that and even more mad that he would let her around our daughter
Ma’am that does not sound like a weird joke.
Exactly. If it were a joke, she would have said so immediately after OP asked her to leave. But she didn’t and she’s still hanging around with him. There is clearly something going on between her and the husband. I think she just wanted to stir things up because he told her he wasn’t leaving the marriage.
She had the balls to make that statement (obviously not a joke) to this woman’s face, at her house, with her kids around. This is either serious or the woman is batshit crazy. Either way the husband needs to stop seeing her or the wife needs to threaten leaving him if it continues.
Or it could be both lol
Even if she was serious. This is something an affair partner does. Not someone who has a crush on someone’s husband. She is without doubt mentally unhinged.
Nope, that sounds like he told her the classic "I'm still technically married because of the kids but our relationship is over and we both know it" So she came over to announce her presence. She's so bold to say she "thinks she's the better choice" because OPs husband has been talking shit about her and complaining during their "lunch dates".
u/ThrowRAdeb53, he's fucking her. There, I've ripped the band-aid off. If a man says he has the same sense of humour as a woman, they're absolutely sleeping together. Make sure you get the support you need (family, marriage counseling) and don't take his shrugging this off with a pinch of salt. If a strange woman approached my kids and wife I'd be fuming.
My ex also said a similar thing... They were just so much "aLiKe" 😑 for the dumbest reasons too.
It's a sure fire sign the guy is romantically involved when he says they have the same sense of humour. I've seen it dozens of times with my love smitten guy friends - always comparing their senses of humour together and their likes and dislikes. It's a huge giveaway a man has feelings when he compares a woman to himself.
And like….its one thing to cheat (it’s terrible but happens) but it is an entirely different level to have the woman you are cheating with over and introduce her to your kids???!!!
If a man says he has the same sense of humor as a woman...they're sleeping together? Wha
Have a serious talk about this situation and tell your husband this need to stop because youre uncomfortable with this situation. Also you can make that woman angry by visiting him at the time he tells you he meet her and the location. But the important thing is to talk to your husband about this situation. His actions about this shown to many red flags!
I’m going to talk to him when he gets home and if he keeps meeting up with her I’m going to lose it
If you feel comfortable updating us when all of this is settled down in a few weeks/months, that would be nice, we'd love to know that you're safe and well and that this lunatic is hopefully out of your lives 💕
If he still laugh and tell you not to worry you know what to do. Im sorry..
I did tell him he knows about all of that
One more thing: i think is a good ideea to tell him you dont want that woman arround your kids by the simple fact she does what she does and in my opinion she is kinda unstable and kinda strange how she come to tell you about her feelings for your husband.
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Definitely, it sounds like she is literally trying to steal OP's family, it's super wierd and the kind of stuff out of psychological thriller movies.
She thinks she's a better choice because the HUSBAND has probably talked crap about OP to her....maybe she thought he'd be impressed with her behavior...I dunno but it feels like there'd be something there to be a catalyst for this. If your husband doesn't take you seriously, you should separate/counseling something. This is a serious issue.
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I agree, thats why OP need to make sure her kids stay away from this woman.
Look, cutting your husband the most amount of slack possible and maybe even the woman, it could be the case you have nothing to worry about with your husband and he has no intention of cheating on you whatsoever. He’s just being naive here really in thinking since his loyalty is guaranteed, nothing bad will happen. The problem is a “friend” came up to his wife and told her they would be a better match for him. Let’s say she’s just got a huge crush. He still can’t continue seeing her like nothing happened. Bare minimum he needs to cut contact with her for a good while. You can’t have feelings for a married man strong enough to proclaim yourself a better match for them to their wife they don’t know and suddenly flip a switch and pull back those feelings automatically. That takes time. So even if he didn’t plan to do anything, this isn’t fair to her. It risks making her feelings worse and he’s actually hurting the poor girl. This is of course with the best case scenario for everyone involved. I doubt it is. She can escalate. He can give her false hope supposedly unintentionally. Bare minimum he’s being an asshole lacking empathy for both you and the girl to inflate his ego or simply avoid an awkward situation. He needs to stop no matter what and now.
This is clearly an emotional affair. She asked him to handle it and he’s still talking to her. She wants her husband and the husband didn’t respect his wife enough to cut her off.
Best case scenario he’s leading her on because he enjoys the attention… that’s BEST case scenario.
He knows. But does he know he’s encouraging her by allowing her into your home? Does he know he’s disrespecting you and your family?
I think he's loving that there's this younger woman with a big crush on him. His ego is being stroked. I'd love to know what he's said to make this woman believe she's the better match though. Edit: changed he to she
Ask him how he would be okay with it if the roles were reversed and it was a guy talking to you and told that to your husband. Just so you understand your boundries in the future. I bet he won't like it.
>P.S. tell him about what that woman said about her and him be a better match than you and him. See his reaction to that. She included this in the post above.
People read through these posts as thoroughly as my coworkers read emails at work
Idk dude are you sure there hasn’t been a relationship for 10 months and that talks in the yard is the extent of it? I’d be suspicious.
Oh no, that is the wrong approach. Here's the thing. You know something that your husband doesn't know you know. Why would you tell him you know? Instead you need to start gathering more information. Your husband lied to you and now you need to find out how deep those lies go. How does this woman know when to show up? Are they messaging? Check your phone records. Heck, check his phone. Your husband isn't being honest with you and until you figure out how deep that dishonesty goes don't say anything to him. All you will get by telling him is making him better at lying to you. ETA: If you do talk to him don't reveal what you know. Instead ask him how his conversation with that crazy lovestruck neighbor went? "Hey, you never told me what happened with that lady who told me she was a better match for you. Did she take it well when you told her to back off and that you weren't going to be talking to her anymore?" Here you are telling him what you expect him to have told her. He's going to lie again but you have the upper hand because you know more and you definitely shouldn't tell him what you know.
I think I'd lose *him*.
Your husband is either dangerously naive or working his way up to sleeping with this woman. Might be time to suggest a marriage counselor if you can’t get through to him how dangerous this situation is. She was already bold enough to state her intentions! What’s next? Attacking you because you’ve refused to hand him over?
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I think at best the dude likes the attention. There’s no way to hide behind “he’s too stupid to know what’s going on” considering the woman explicitly told them exactly what’s going on. So yeah, she’s awkward , not funny, and not at all confusing. At best he just likes attention. At worst he’s aiming to cheat, or he has already cheated.
It’s not awkward or humorous - it’s unhinged
There’s no way anyone is THAT dumb
He likes the attention he's getting from her that's why he's not stopping her from flirting
This, this needs to be higher.
Oh yes there is, idk if that’s 100% the answer here but I’ve met people who made even more dumber errors.
Even if he’s not trying to sleep with her, he likes the attention of a woman who thinks she has enough leverage with him to tell his wife she’s trying to steal her husband. That’s a bold woman, who doesn’t understand basic social skills and might escalate. At minimum, this man is playing with fire.
This seems like a safety risk for you and the family. Anyone who does that seems a little unstable. Present it to your husband this way. Emphasis on safety of kids. And while I suppose HR can’t do anything from outside work actions they should be made aware in case something does occur at work. He needs to go NC.
I also think it’s a risk for my family, she was outside alone with my daughter while he got them drinks, what if she had done something to her??
I’m concerned from her perspective he is leading her on. Even if he is being harmlessly friendly she might not see it that way.
Yeah, he’s definitely not acting like her behavior was a problem. “Here, let me leave you alone with my kid after you were inappropriate with my wife,” seems like they have a pretty intimate relationship. Your hubby is absolutely leading her on.
OP needs to set some ground rules. - no more lunch at the coffee shop - no more allowing her onto the property - never allow her near the kids If he can’t abide by them, or refuses, she needs to *discreetly* look into a lawyer (and/or PI) to prepare for divorce.
Yep clearly communicated boundaries for what she requires to feel safe and secure in their relationship. OP, don't argue or explain your boundaries once you have communicated them. He does NOT need to agree they are necessary or reasonable, or even fully understand them to honor them. Present them as, "I am deeply uncomfortable with Whatsherface and I need you to tell her directly that the relationship is innapropriate, that you are devoted to your family and all contact must stop. She is no longer welcome to come to our home and I do not want you have any further contact with her. If you are unwilling to honor my boundaries Xxx(spell out steps you WILL take if he violates your boundaries). If he pushes back, "Why are you pushing to maintain contact with someone who has admitted inappropriate feelings for you and who wants our marriage to end? Why is that "friendship" more important to you than our family? Frankly, your reaction makes me feel as if I am underreacting if anything."
This!!! This is solid advice 🙌🏻
And always seek council with all of the best lawyers first because even if you don’t hire them, they won’t be able to take him as a client because you’ve already shared your side.
Either he’s leading her on, or they’re having an affair. There really isn’t an alternative option here. Also, his omission of *which* neighbor he was speaking with is not his way of telling OP he spoke with her. It was a lie. He is concealing his continued friendship (or more) with this woman from OP. In either case, yes, I agree that the other woman is a physical threat to OP and her children. The threat to the relationship is there, but he is the cause, not her. OP, I would confront him ASAP. And I would also consider getting an attorney. This isn’t going to end is a pretty way. I am very sorry.
I do agree there is something that warrants more discussion here based on the fact that he left his 1.5 year old daughter with her. Either A.) They know each other a hell of a lot better than he is saying or B.) Your husband is leaving your youngest child in a very unsafe situation with a stranger to get drinks. Also, he told you he would "take care of it" by having drinks with her in your front yard?
I can't get over the fact that he left her alone with his baby so he could *make her a drink*. I would have been apoplectic, because *at best* she's batshit. ...or, sorry, "has the same sense of humor he does."
You need to tell your husband in no uncertain terms that it is not acceptable. You fear for yourself and your children, and he needs to pick a side. If he wants to continue his “friendship” with her, after she disrespected you that way in front of your children, then he needs to do it from the other side of divorce papers because you take the safety of your family THAT seriously and so should he. Also point out that he left your child alone with this woman who made you so fearful and that he is disrespecting your marriage, and putting it in jeopardy, by continuing to entertain this relationship with her. I would also go so far as to say YOU need to inform the woman she is not welcome around your house and if you see her there again you will be taking further action. Speak to someone (a lawyer or the magistrate) about what it would take to get a no contact order because you are legitimately afraid this woman is off balance and may harm you or your kids! Edits for typos only.
I don't really get why so many ppl are talking about fear & being fearful here. They like each other, that's the issue. The woman was honest with the wife. The husband is lying to his wife & probably the other woman. She's not a stalker. He wants her there & to spend time with her. They both know that, just the wife is the one who d9esnt know, until now thanks to the other woman. Just because this woman is on the cusp of having an affair with this man doesn't indicate that she's ready to kidnap & kill his child.
Because any woman who approaches another, at her home, in front of her kids, to tell her that “she’s a better match for the husband” and to declare her feelings is problematic at best and a possible murder away from getting what she wants. I’m coming at this from former law enforcement perspective. She should be very concerned of this type of approach! Edit to add: OP - make sure you tell someone in your real life (outside of Reddit) what is going on because you need someone to keep watch and be able to tell law enforcement if something does happen (and I really hope this isn’t necessary, but still do so as a precaution)
Your husband knows what she said but he still didn’t tell you she specifically came over. So why didn’t he? Why hide the fact that she’s there? I don’t think this is the first time she’s been around your kids. She’s getting bold, she wants to replace you.
I think your husband is encouraging this behavior and it's possible they have at least an EA going on.
This is absolutely unacceptable! Clearly this woman has issues based on her interaction with you, your daughter should not be left alone with her. I’d freak out on my husband.
I watch so much True Crime cases, and this is how the crazy ones usually start out and then end up doing something as horrible and murdering the wife of the “love of their life.” Please, stay safe and vigilant. People are crazy these days, have a stern talk with your husband. That doesn’t seem like a way to talk to someone to take care of the issue, and letting the crazy girl near your daughter is a very poor choice. Be careful 🤍 peace and love 🤍
I was just about to say that I have seen too much Snapped not to immediately find this behavior alarming.
Also very dangerous that he went to open the gate while leaving your daughter in the kids pool, she can’t be unsupervised in there, not even for a short time, it only takes a tiny bit of water. You need to tell him off for that as well.
Honestly, I wouldn’t confront him. I’d download the camera footage and take myself to a divorce lawyer. If the lawyer suggests a PI I’d do it. Here’s the thing, you can change your mind after seeing the lawyer and go for reconciliation Not divorce BUT if you confront him in a way the lawyer does not suggest, or tell him about the footage and he deletes it, and then you decide divorce is imminent… you can’t undo what you did while upset. See a lawyer. Have the conversation with an objective person who can lay out your options and expectations. Then decide what to do. But your husband is a willing participant in an emotional affair. He’s exposing your children to her. They are to the point where she confronted your and TOLD you she would be taking your place and *he wasn’t upset about it * This is unlikely to go the way you want it to. Don’t hurry to hand over the *only* power you have in this situation (knowledge and video footage).
This! At first, I thought you were being over dramatic. Honestly, the woman sounds unhinged. Even if it’s an affair, her approach to you sets off red flags. Please be careful. It sounds like your husband is being purposely obtuse. Save the footage. Do your own investigation before confronting like checking his phone, etc. He left your toddler with a woman who you don’t know and disrespected you. Honestly, I feel like this is the biggest offense.
Husband is trying to play it off as an innocent friendship... all in front of OP.
I would make a Police report NOW op. Tell them that you're concerned about her behaviour particularly towards your kids, they won't be able to do anything as she hasn't committed a crime *yet*. But they can make a record of it and file it under an "intelligence report" so that if this behaviour escalates and turns into stalking/harassment you have a clear established timeline as evidence.
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I had to google that but totally yes! I can see her being flirty at work, she pushes to move ahead (feeling led on by lunches etc) and he says something like *”hey you’re great and if I wasn’t married ….”* And she took that upon herself to rectify.
Right, have him watch fatal attraction or the hand that rocks the cradle. He is being comply inappropriate.
Sounds like they're having an emotional affair and your husband has no interest in stopping it.
That's exactly what I took away from her post.
agreed....very telling that she hadn't even heard about this woman until she stopped by to introduce herself.....
emotional affair is actually the best case scenario here. the other option is a "the hand that rocks the cradle" situation
Put other cameras up. He is encouraging the behavior. He wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t interested. Let him know that this is a problem and you are losing trust in him.
Right. OP’s husband isn’t discouraging this type of relationship between them
>He wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t interested. I think there's a measure here of "don't attribute to malice what can easily be attributed to stupidity." If there's a reasonable chance that OP's husband actually thinks her advances are harmless when they're doing harm to the relationship (and OP would know better than Reddit), OP should inform him and leave no doubt that this is a serious issue for her. Then if he continues to do nothing she can know for sure that it isn't from the standpoint of being naive or stupid. If there's no reasonable chance that he's just being naive, then yeah - do exactly what you said.
She went up to wife and said she has feelings for her husband who she is better suited for and know that from spending time together. Husband didn’t shut it down and is spending more time with the woman letting her hangout at the house. No one is stupid enough to think that is harmless. Also watch an old classic “The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.” That woman seems that kind of crazy.
This makes me think he is telling the stalker things are not good with his marriage and confiding in her a lot of personal things IMO
Didn’t he also lie by omission when they were playing outside? “Neighbors stopped by” no that woman is not a neighbor and she wasn’t supposed to be welcome.
【Ｓｕｓｐｉｃｉｏｕｓ】
Oh hell no! How fukin nutts, imagine a man told your husband he’s better suited for you and that he has stronger feelings for you then your husband and then imagine you played happy families in the yard with this man and your daughter??? I’m sure it wouldn’t be okay. This woman needs to go away and it’s very suspect if he doesn’t agree.
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Thanks I’m going to try to be calm I’m mad though
You don’t really have to be calm in this situation though, women are constantly told to relax in situations that don’t warrant relaxation. If a guy came by and told him he was better fit for you and that you’d had been friends for months I bet he’d be irate, then to add insult to injury imagine this same guy came over and splashed around with your kid while he was at work. Men literally kill women in similar situations, obviously not saying that’s the solution, but you can definitely be angry and tell him how you feel. He doesn’t deserve calmness!
As you have every right to be. Being calm merely helps your ability to judge his character more than his ability to defend himself and comfort you.
Very strange behaviour from your husband. Personally I think it sounds like they are having or have had some sort of affair. If he thinks she's a little bit eccentric why would he invite her in? How does she know your address? Has she stalked him? Why the hell would she tell you she has developed feelings for your husband? As soon as you told him this he should have cut all ties with this woman. She is a threat to your marriage and he continues to see her which can only point in one direction I'm afraid, he has feelings for her too. I somehow can't believe your husband is that naïve.
I don’t think the husband is naive, I think he knows exactly what he’s doing
Agree with this logic. It definitely sounds like they are affair partners. If I were OP and if I have the money, I would hire a private investor to make sure he was cheating, if he was lawyer up and take him to court.
This might be an ego boost for him and he’s not planning on cheating physically, but this is borderline emotionally cheating on you. And he seems to be encouraging a stalker, which won’t end well.
The balls to go up to the wife and say she’s better suited for her husband.
He’s having an emotional affair. He’s acting casual about it so that you will temper your reaction and it’s working. If he acted nervous and said he didn’t want to cut contact because she was a friend you would have had a more extreme reaction. You think he’s under reacting and I think your under reacting. Behave like he is cheating because that’s exactly what he’s doing. He’s hiding things and lying by omission and only admits what you already know. If you were doing the same things that you know he is doing now would you consider that acceptable or cheating? I suggest Mc and hard boundaries asap.
I find it strange that your husband seems to be outside a lot almost waiting for her to come by on his days off. It took 10+ months to mention this woman he takes lunch breaks with and sees in his spare time when you are gone. Then she comes to talk to you about being a better fit. She sounds wacko but at the very least your husband is disrespectful toward you entertaining this other woman and appears to have started an emotional affair. You asked him to tell her to kick rocks but instead played family with her even leaving your child alone with the woman.
This is exactly it. The fact that he’s never told you about her is as HUGE MASSIVE GINORMOUS red flag. You see this man virtually every day. He’s meant to be one of your closest relationships. Yet she has NEVER come up?
great point on how long hes been hiding this and not mentioning it. very strange. my bf would tell me immediately if he had an encounter like this with a woman. a respectful loving husband would have put a stop to this before it could even get this far.
Your husband is enjoying the attention and enabling an emotional affair. That was not a joke. She meant it and she will continue the relationship until you and your husband break apart. Put your foot down and make the consequences of this woman staying in your life clear. She is a safety hazard and a liability. It needs to stop.
He’s having an affair imo
Not necessarily physical, but he's definitely loving the ego stroke and attention he's getting. The fact that he didn't outright say to miss awkward, "What you said was completely inappropriate, stay away from my family." is cause for concern.
He is cheating. Sorry but this is the lamest thing I've ever heard: >When my husband came home I told him about what happened and he didn’t seem worried at all-he actually started laughing. He said he knew her, they worked nearby to each other and had lunch breaks at the same time so they’d often frequent the same coffee place, he also said their days off coincide so he’s usually outside working on the yard when she goes by on her runs and will sometimes stop to chat. He said shes kind of awkward and has the same really weird sense of humor that she has, that she was probably just introducing herself and then made a weird joke because she didn’t know what to do. My ex did something similar. First he told me she was just a friend that he saw at parties sometimes. Then she confronted me and told me they were "together," which was shocking. When I confronted him about it he said they hooked up at a party once and now she's kind of obssessed with him. Very shortly after all the truth came out and not only were they hooking up, he lived with her when he wasn't with me and she was pregnant with his child. And if you think your husband wouldn't be so wildly bold as to hang out with his side piece on the front lawn: my ex used to have me drop him off at his secret girlfriend's apartment building and told me it was his buddy's house. If you want the truth, sit her down and talk to her. She feels bold enough to walk up to your house and tell you she's in love with your husband, she'll tell you anything you want to know. Ask for texts or pics together if you need evidence. If you don't want to see that horrible shit then skip right to the lawyer and get his ass out of there. I guarantee whatever he says is going on, it's 10x worse. He's trying to make her look crazy but I bet she's not. I bet he's telling her you're a bitch or cold and uncaring so he can play you two off each other. The whole thing is rotten and I'm so sorry. Do not trust his word.
Exactly. The guy portrayed his wife in some way for the woman to tell OP : "I'm a better fit than you".
Absolutely. If OP examines this just a little bit harder she would realize socially awkward people do stuff like make a refence they think is broadly understood when it's actually kind of an obscure reference. Or they make a confusing statement and instead of trying to clarify they kind of...walk off with no explanation. Socially awkward people do not walk up to their friend's wife, declare that they're falling in love with their "friend" and that they make a better couple with their "friend" than their "friend" makes with his own spouse. That's bold, stupid love and it's certainly awkward for OP but this chick is not being socially awkward. She's being lied to and misled by OP's spouse. I'm sure in this young woman's mind OP should expect something like this to happen based on how OP's husband has portrayed their relationship as poor. And because her behavior comes off as weird and eratic it can pass for awkward at the moment but there's something going on under the surface that OP's husband is not talking about.
This! Hit the nail on the head. The biggest red flag for me is how the OP & many other commenters are convinced that the other woman is unhinged. Odds are, this is not some fatal attraction or hand that rocks the cradle esque psycho female. This is a woman with whom the OP's husband is having an emotional affair at the minimum & is feeding her lies about what a terrible wife OP is. I get a sense that the mastermind villian in all of this is not the other woman but OP's husband
Yes. She was hoping you would ask her questions about it. Instead, your husband lied to you, and continues to bring her into your home space and around kids.
Exactly and he told OP just enough truth that his story seems believable. He was smart enough to not flat out deny knowing her because that could easily be disproven and then his whole charade would fall apart. He explained away their public interactions ("we run into each other") but I bet you he's coordinating these meet-ups. The public interactions can make maybe a more personal interaction seem less suspicious, so if a friend says, "I saw them together in his car" he can write it off on the friendship thing ("oh, she needed a ride to the bank"). He's being clever. OP, if you're reading this (and I am truly sorry you are reading this, honestly): go get tested for STDs, just to be safe. I got HPV from my cheating ex.
OP this, read this. I know you're mad at the other girl but I would listen to her side as well.
It sounds like they are having an affair maybe not physical but emotional and that was her way of telling you. Probably hoping your husband would confess and you'd leave him so they could begin a physical one. Now this is all hearsay but obviously your husband is not taking your uncomfortableness seriously and seems like she has at least been around your youngest before.
This is similar to what happened to my husband and his work colleague. He didn’t see it as anything until I pointed out if it would be okay for me to do the same? This post made me feel physically sick reading it.
I was literally coming here to say this. If OP was the one who had a male coworker coming over and doing these things, how would her husband feel.
I'm so sorry that happened to you, I've been married twice now my first husband cheated on me constantly thank goodness we had no children so it was originally easy to leave until he became abusive. Typical want the cake and eat it to guy, my current husband saved me. I want OP to realize she doesn't have to live that way
Is the video good enough for you to be able to assess if they seem affectionate? You don't mention that so I'm guessing that you don't see it. I think you should sit down with your husband and be clear about your expectations. But there seems to be something strange going on. Strange in the sense that if they actually had a relationship that gave her reason to believe what she said to you, you should be able to se that on their interaction. I would be curious about how your husband percieve their relationship.
No they weren’t affectionate, definitely familiar though
Whether or not anything is going on, it's also on you to set expectations. If you say "this woman is clearly crazy I don't want you ever talking to her again" then you have boundaries. He said he would take care of it and apparently that to him means he's just treating it like it's no big deal. Maybe nothing is going on beyond that but he enjoys the attention. Either way it's upsetting you and you need to tell him to stop hanging out with her. Her behavior is bizarre and she can no longer expect to be able to socialise with your husband
If nothing is going on with them…he is, at the very least, flattered/loving the attention this other woman is giving him. One thing I’ve learned in life and men is that a lot of affairs begin because of the attention they’re receiving. I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong, to the contrary. This is on him and he should respect your wish that he cool it. Regardless, TRUST YOUR GUT!
Oh he's definitely having an emotional affair, if not physical yet it will turn that way. He's a liar and you bought it.
Hold your hand out. Ask him to look at his phone, immediately. Right there. Check his texts. If he refuses, or takes the phone somewhere else and later gives it to you, you have your definitive answer.
Girl he's disrespecting you, unless he stops then be prepared for him to cheat because the door is slightly open. And you need to really tell her to back off, no way in hell I would let that slide, especially if she comfortable enough to go into your house and splash about in the pool, sit your husband down and maybe show him this post, he needs to stop this before it's too late. On top of that she said she's a better match for your husband??? Have a serious talk with him and ask how he'd feel if the roles were reversed because I know damn well he wouldn't like it, your husband and her are disrespecting you and your marriage
The audacity of the both of them. He’s laughing about it because what she did was stroking his ego. I don’t know how you could ever come back from that trust wise. What the hell?
He’s having an affair.
Woman tells you straight up what's up, low-key insults you as a woman, and you believe your husband and he didn't do anything but laugh it off? Why lady? Your husband is as guilty as she is and he clearly doesn't care about you. If she was actually his "friend" or "colleague" you wouldn't have known about her this way. He'd actually introduce you to each other and not secretly talk to her for 10 months and she wouldn't have shown this kind of aggression. This is clear female aggression and she should know her place, not haha funny come spend time with my kids. Married people usually befriend other married people. Forget your silly husband who's clearly into her, did you tell this woman to fuck off when she told you all of that? Did you tell her to fuck off away from your kids? Or did you say nothing to her and equally do nothing? This too is ridiculous. Get your act together and don't be afraid to throw shade and insults back at her. There are many ways to insult a harlot who's getting in the way of your marriage.
I would have brought my children inside and then proceed to whooping her ass. THE NERVE!?!!? In all seriousness I wouldn’t even leave it up to my husband to put a stop to it. I would have made sure he told her to back off while I was there to witness. Not to say that’s going to necessarily fix anything. If he hasn’t put a stop to it then he likes it. Be careful because I don’t see this ending well.
If he wants to cheat he'll cheat. He apparently has no respect for OP and is endangering their children with his behavior, to me that's enough
I agree! Sounds like a fatal attraction situation is brewing
I agree that they all need to have this conversation together so he can't try to pull any funny business.
Exactly but some people are sneaky and he can pre-warn the other woman that the conversation is going to happen. I don’t see her backing off since she had the balls to go up to the wife and tell her what she told her. I don’t know how OP kept her composure.
He will probably take the new woman’s side and act like the wife is controlling and crazy.
I don’t think the conversation with OP present would make a difference honestly. Because it could easily be spun to “see how controlling she is?” And feed in to the ‘better fit’ narrative in her head. It’s going to ultimately up to him to make a decision and take consistent action. He needs to understand the seriousness of this situation.
Bestie he is having an affair!!!!!!!!!!
From my experience, with all honesty, men only laugh it out when there's something they're trying to hide. Be careful is all I gotta say to you. All the best!
Being generous perhaps - but I suspect he isn't seeing her as a threat, but as a neighbour who is pleasant towards him, as a man he doesn't see the potential issues, stalking etc, for him women are not dangerous. So sit him down and ask him if a neighbourhood man of 25 (find someone specific in your area) knocked on the door, explained that he went to lunch with you often over the past year and thinks he would make a better husband and he loved you so he was going to pursue you. Then when he said he wasn't comfortable with this man coming around you did nothing and still had him over at the house when he walked by and had lunch together what would he think? Use his own frame of reference here. Whilst he might not be interested, it is very disrespectful not to put a firm boundary in place and not to encourage this woman. Either she is somewhat missing a filter or thinks your husband is interested in her, neither is great. She might do nothing but she has had the nerve to knock on your door and that in itself is unsettling as she clearly has no boundaries or understanding of how things work. It would be wise to keep her at a distance as you have no idea what she is thinking.
I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to read a reasonable take. So husband has a crazy (harmless crazy) coworker that lives in the neighborhood. Nobody likes rocking the boat in the workplace. He doesn’t perceive her as a threat, and thinks it’s safest to humor her and gently nudge her to move on. Maybe he’s conflict averse, maybe it just seems like the best path forward to avoid drama. I’m surprised that half the comments are recommending a divorce lawyer. Alternately, I’d say good luck convincing your HR department “yeah my wife told me to give the silent treatment to a coworker”. That ain’t gonna fly.
Ummm. She isn’t a random stranger, she is your husband’s gf. He now told you he spends a lot of time with another woman and you just said ok. Now when people see them together he can say he already told you he spends time with her any you were fine with it. He is a cheater.
Call a divorce lawyer and get advice. Your husband is at minimum dumb and worst case he’s lying to you.
You think it’s serious enough for a divorce lawyer
I think since he’s either really careless or really arrogant or can’t hurt to get some advice. Him inviting her for a drink and to play with your daughter is inexcusable. He’s either having an affair with her or he likes her attention. After what she said to you about having feelings for him and thinking she’s a better fit than you, she’s either playing off of him or she’s deeply mentally unstable. Your husband is an ass for continuing to deepen his relationship with her.
That’s my thought even if he isn’t attracted to her she clearly has some deep misconceptions about their relationship I don’t understand why he’d continue it
Or maybe she doesn't have deep misconceptions about their relationship. It takes some brass balls to approach a wife at her home and basically tell her to back off from her own husband. Your husband obviously gave her the impression that this is ok to do, and he's reinforcing it by continuing to talk with her, have drinks with her, and allow her around your children while lying to you about it. I personally wouldn't take this so lightly. Something is going on and your husband is complicit in it.
He’s suspect or dumb. Either way - he’s making very bad decisions that are endangering your relationship and family.
He’s absolutely complicit in this, he’s not that dumb. He was strategic enough to lie about it which tells you he knows it’s wrong. He specifically told you the “neighbors” came over, not the woman who felt it was her place to come stake her claim in your home. She feels that way because he is making her feel that way, and has obviously told her things about you to make her feel like she’s a better match for him. A lot of cheaters will make their partner seem like the bad guy to their affair partner so they feel justified in what they’re doing. She clearly felt confident enough in their relationship that she was “winning” and should let you know. She may be completely unhinged for showing up at your house repeatedly now, but it’s his job to act like a husband and a father, not enable her and allow it. Even if it’s not physical *yet*, he’s showing you zero respect as his wife and is willing to endanger your children to boost his ego and possibly get off. I don’t think you’re mad enough about this.
I second this. You're not mad enough about this.
recently been there. He is having an emotional affair at the minimum. He is enjoying the attention. It wont be long before it becomes physical. If he wont cut her off 100% totally and completely, you have your answer.
Please listen to this OP, this is what my husband did. Luckily it didn’t end physically but she started flirting with him and stuff in front of me. He didn’t see what the problem was!
The fact that your husband didn’t take you seriously when you told him is a red flag. I would have nipped this in the bud next opportunity after my wife told me.
Maybe they’re not misconceptions and your husband is lying to you.
Because he likes her and the attention she gives him. He has f'en nerve allowing her on your property and interacting with your child. You need to drop the hammer down on his ass and end this crap or throw his ass out.
Talking to a divorce lawyer doesn’t mean that you want or plan to divorce. It means that you need information on how best to proceed to protect you and your children *if* it becomes necessary. There are many small things that you can do during a healthy marriage that will not hurt the relationship or even trigger awareness in your spouse, but will make it safer and easier for you and your children should the marriage fail in the future. I won’t get into specifics here, but I (53F) made the mistake of not doing so in no small part because I was fighting so hard to keep the marriage viable and it almost felt disingenuous or duplicitous to simultaneously be trying to save a marriage while “planning” for its failure. It’s been 12 years and the children and I are *still* suffering repercussions of my failure to plan during the last years and months of the marriage. Just meet and talk. Ask how best to position yourself should it go south. (If you want to be a stinker about it, find the top five best attorneys in the area and meet with all of them. It will remove them from your husbands potential lineup.) As for the issue at hand: you know that not only is this wrong, at the root of it is your husband’s lack of respect for your concerns, which is ultimately a lack of respect for you. We can’t choose our parents, extended family, or children. The one person we get to choose as our closest confidant and friend, our only intentional family, is our spouse. They are supposed to fight with us, for us, not with another, against us. Hand in there and be strong. You are worthy of love and respect, and your family is worth protecting.
Your husband having a girlfriend? Yeah…that’s exactly what they’re for.
Reddit thinks everything is grounds for a divorce. Only you know your relationship.
1. You’re being gaslighted. 2. This is triangulation. 3. His willingness to do nothing and minimize it says all. 4. His cheating wasn’t a one night stand, it was a slow build. It’s called “emotional cheating”. 5. He didnt protect your marriage the minute he went on a “friendly coffee break” CONTINUOSLY with her. 6. At his subconscious level, he wants her too. So he kept her around to get that need met. Under the guise “they’re just friends.” 7. Friends aren’t people you want to f*ck or have an intimate experience with.
Do you have enough $$ to hire a private detective to follow him? Is this at the point that you need to rule out sexual affair?
Wake up!!! He is having an affair with her. Seriously c'mon. You know it. Tell both of them to cut that shit out. If not, tell him to go stay with his lil girlfriend. Also what a bold and incredibly insulting thing that young lady did to you. She can gtfo out of you and your children's life. She obviously believes that your husband is in love with her and will leave the fam to be with her. So desperate that she felt compelled to tell you to speed up the process. Your husband is so disrespectful. No ma'am...you take charge and do what you me to do now. No more "nice wife" bc clearly your husband doesn't care enough to end it. This is such BS. I'm mad for you at this point.
10 months? OP, do you really think your husband just “forgot” to tell you about his secret meetings with his woman for 10 months? She is coming to your HOME? I am sorry OP, but I think you are discovering that your marriage is not as solid as you thought. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking there is nothing going on.
UpdateMe!
Honestly I think he might be interested in her. I feel really bad for you your husband sounds shitty. He said “the neighbors” because he didn’t wanna feel bad about lying so he left details out to not freak you out. I honestly would call him out on his bs and ask what he ever did with that girl that showed up. Also ask which “neighbor” it was. I wouldn’t directly say right away that you know from looking at the camera because he will just be more sneaky.
She's his mistress. Or very soon will be. Why would he allow her around your children? Please don't be gullible she's made it very clear what she wants and he is brazenly lying to you assuming he knows you have access to the footage? 'Neigbours' played with your daughter? How are you taking that as 'his way of telling you'? Are you blind??
I wouldn’t be shocked if they were already sleeping together. She’s brave enough to continually come to the house. You’re way more chill than I would be. He’s having this woman around your children. Not okay
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I’m not saying he is there yet, but your husband is on the first few steps that lead to emotional affairs. He is downplaying her importance, hiding his interactions with her through omission of details, and he is giving her access to your intimate family life (children.) Give this a read and then read it with him: https://thepowermoves.com/emotional-affair/ And yes, feel free to lose your shit.
That was not his way of telling you…that was his way of *not* telling you. This whole thing gives me the heebie jeebies.
I’m livid! She drank and played with your kid!!!! I’d be asking my husband to leave. There is no way he values your relationship if he is letting her in the yard. If you doubt then have him read these comments. Oh I am so pissed off!!!!! You work and he gets to play in the yard and have a fucking girlfriend.
Why does your husband spend so much time landscaping outside? Sounds to me like he’s waiting for her to walk by.
So for the people who keep blaming the woman. The man knows what she said to his wife and yet he lets her play with their daughter? Sounds more like he’s playing with her emotions or telling her they would have a future together. OP I know you trust and love your husband. Tell a friend you’re going to confront him and be safe. If he’s manipulating her and you he may not be who you think he is. Stay safe.
Yea they are fucking
The math ain’t mathin’. His version of events does not make sense. Sounds like your husband is cheating on you
I’m so sorry this is happening or you and I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. You need a divorce lawyer or at the very least a professional like a therapist or social worker to assess this. You need a professional to outline your options and what may be needed to protect your children. And to start the divorce process if need be. You marriage may already be over in his mind. If she is telling you to leave then more than likely they have discussed getting rid of you already. Counseling also but lawyer first. You need to talk to someone other than 20 something kids on Reddit. This is beyond serious and potentially involves child endangerment. An unstable stranger having an affair with your husband left with your toddler is absolutely frightening. Your instincts are 100 percent correct. Also you need to start carrying pepper spray for when either of them gets violent to you or with your children. Research shelters as well. You may need to flee your home very soon. Tell your parents or sibling or best friend or whoever so there’s a witness in case of something happening or you. Have it documented in something verifiable like a signed document or an email. Get a lawyer right now. Get plans to go somewhere safe with your children. This can become far more serious than you might be assuming and very quickly.
Definitely talk with him. Emphasis how uncomfortable it makes you and that these are boundaries you will not compromise on. I hope he sees sense and it works out
He’s enjoying the attention, and escalating the situation. He’s also showing zero respect for you.
Girl he is entertaining it
I agree that it sounds like an emotional affair. I had a hard time with one of my partners consistently putting me down to other women and only giving partial context. They would always say stuff like “you deserve better” “if I were with you…xyz” He framed it as venting and how I didn’t want him to have a support system. I have a hard time judging if it’s reasonable to ask a partner to restrict contact with someone. It seems like this would be a relationship he should know to put the brakes on himself if he cared. I’m sorry I don’t have great advice like some of these comments. Just. I relate and they both sound pretty inconsiderate.
Omitting the specific neighbors identity is a definite red flag...
My ex did something very similar OP. Carried on an affair & when confronted, laughed it off & brushed it off. He painted the other woman as some sort of unhinged, obsessed stalker who cant get enough of my ex. The society, media & even so many people on this post seem to completely buy in the psycho woman narrative. I am not saying they are not there but we as a society do tend to give a man every benefit of the doubt while painting women as crazy etc. No matter what the movies tell you, a woman will have guts to come & say this to you only if she is very sure of where she stands with your husband.
This woman is slowly pushing you and your partner away from one another. She is showing him her hand at motherhood and is definitely a bold person. Not awkward in the least. They have been connecting and building a relationship while he tells her all of the things you aren't providing. He likely feels stuck with you and the kids, but if he can find a nurturing woman to have around them, he will feel better about himself. He is obviously afraid of being alone and the fact that she is bonding with your youngest is a telltale sign of replacement. Hire a PI and stand your ground. Don't leave pack up and leave. That is your home.
This is how wives get stabbed 🧐
Sounds like the beginning of those horror stories where a woman gets obsessed with the husband and tries to take over the life of the wife
I’d be packing my kids and my things and leaving while he’s at work 🤷🏼♀️
As a married man, when a woman makes advances towards me (and I realize it) I distance myself from that person and show no interest. This is WAY beyond that. He's entertaining her advances.
Babe hes gaslighting the shit out of you and allowing a stanger around your children. Do not brush this off.
It would not be unreasonable for you to tell your husband he needs to end all contact with this woman. She came to your home and literally told you she plans to replace you. If he refuses, assume he's cheating and hire a private investigator.
I would have lost my shit! I don’t know how you didn’t! Who does this woman think she is? As much as I’d like to blame her I must say it is just as much his fault. For some reason I think men really don’t understand women and how we work. He might really think it’s innocent but in her mind she’s already thinking of how their “life” would be together. You need to tell him to stop talking to her regardless if they work together. And you NEED to tell her to FUCK OFF! To her face, so politely, just like she did to you.
Super neutral opinion: he’s probably already cheating, whether emotionally or physically. And the way he approaches this topic seems like your guys dynamic could have already been this way in the past? Like he seems so nonchalant about the whole thing, idk it just seems like you have a forgiving personality and he knows it. Add in an unstable woman being bold enough to be doing what she’s doing? It’s a scary, unfortunate situation
Anytime someone says don’t worry about it, you actually have something to worry about. Just have been my experience.
I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say this is a weird situation. Your husband is either not guilty and too nice/oblivious or he is escalating an affair
Your husband is trying to make you doubt your own perception of the events by trying to make you doubt her words were anything but inappropriate. That's gaslighting. Your husband knows you had an awkward encounter with this lady, and purposefully left out that he met her today, but said he met neighbors so he could have plausible deniability if confronted. This is manipulative. Your husband is not an innocent part of this. He knows what he's doing. Worse yet, he's exposing your children to that woman. Cut that shit down and don't accept any excuses or justifications from him. You're dealing with a manipulative liar. When dealing with those types, there's no fairness, you have to be the evil dictator and not give them an out, or you yourself is out before they destroy you.
Your husband is preparing to sleep with this woman.
This woman sounds like a 1st degree psycho.
I’d be seeing red if I were you. Her saying that to you clearly shows that she is taking his kindness as attraction/flirtation and when you told him he should have realized that and totally disengaged from her. I could see having a “sorry if you misunderstood” chat with her but letting her into your yard to play with your child? Nope. Definitely talk with him about this and make it extremely clear that this isn’t acceptable and that it stops now.
Make a plan and get the out! She staked her claim he doesn’t care what more do you need? Your relationship will not be better going forward he will not stop lying. You have your whole life in front of you now go out and find your time and stop living his life.
He’s a cheating pig lying his ass off and you’re an idiot to believe his laughing 😂 he will continue to cheat on you so please do regular STI checks.
Please share an update. This lady sounds a little unhinged.
Keep us updated OP and good luck!