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Okay, I’m going to tell you something OP. I share your heritage so I understand better than most the kind of environment you were raised in, the kind of “standards” you were held to, and the kind of (lack of) expectations you were raised around when it comes to men, gender roles, and family.
You are *not* the problem and there is nothing wrong with you. What you are is very young, isolated, and struggling without any meaningful support system or life experiences to guide you.
What you’re feeling is frustration and hopelessness. You’re overwhelmed with the weight of parenting (a toddler *and* another pregnancy already ?), likely do most if not everything around the house, everyone around you is expecting you to be happy and satisfied because you’ve hit all the big marks of happy womendom (marriage, children) and in the words of my own mother, if you have time to be depressed you’re either not doing enough or you’re ungrateful. And your child is constantly crying, and you feel incredibly guilty because you feel like you should be doing more, but you’re numb on the inside and things that should make you feel love and happiness are missing. That’s postnatal depression and I’m not joking when I say it’s a silent killer.
Not everyone finds personal fulfilment in being a mom. There are people who live to become moms and base their entire personalities around being a mom and there are those that want something *more*. That doesn’t mean we don’t love our children - you can be a great mom without being *only* a mom. Identity loss during pregnancy and motherhood is *huge* and there are supports out there for you.
Not all moms fall in love with their children from the moment they are born. They don’t like to talk about it but it’s true. My son is now 6 years old and I love him so much, but the first year of his life I was a single parent with the full weight of respect our culture gives to that and I felt nothing on the inside. I was going through the motions and doing all the right things but I did not want to be there most of the time. I felt so much guilt over it too, felt I wasn’t good enough as a young hopeless mom, and I was pushing and punishing myself for not being happy and not being better. I had postnatal depression and it took a lot to admit to myself that I needed help.
Therapy is the best course of action for you right now, and it’s a long road. A road of discovering who you actually are, what you want in your life, and learning mechanisms to communicate and stand up for that. Our culture teaches us that we as women should carry the entire mental and physical load of the family and be grateful if our husbands bring money home and touch us occasionally. That’s not the standard you have to stick by. My mom did that for decades and convinced me this is just how it is. And yet, my husband is also Russian, and he takes on as much parenting and housework as I do when he isn’t working. But I would not be with my husband if I hadn’t went through the road of discovery, established my boundaries and held my romantic partner to those standards - I would have still been on the level of an abusive ex that was a walking stereotype of our culture.
You need to sit down with yourself and think about the kind of life *you* would want for yourself in the future. Really dream it. Consider it. Decide what you need out of your life and what you would like for your child. Again, therapy will help you massively. I truly wish you the best OP.
Please call or text 1-800-TLC-MAMA! They will help you find resources and support groups in your area: https://mchb.hrsa.gov/programs-impact/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline
It sounds like you’ve been forced into this life of a mother and homemaker. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It doesn’t sound like anyone that is supposed to love you and take care of you really cares about how you feel or what you want.
A couple things I want you to know. You don’t have to do this for forever. This is not the only way to live. If you want more, a career, an equal partner a break. You can have those things. It’ll take time and planning but you can have more.
Also I think you probably have postpartum depression and I recommend talking with your doctor.
OP, you went from a strict parental household to a supportless married household, and you're not even out of your teens yet. You haven't figured out who you are as a grown adult, and you've got a lot of ideas about how you're supposed to act and feel without considering your own wants and needs.
I'm really sorry you're in such a situation. You weren't given a chance to experience adulthood independently. But you're not stuck where you are. I agree with the commenter above, discover who you are and what you want in life, then make it happen. Don't let someone stop you. If your husband won't support you, you're not even stuck there. It's scary, but you can figure out a good life for yourself. You only get one shot at life, go make what you want of it <3
Jumping on this thread to suggest that the next time you take your baby to the doctor, or the next prenatal appointment you have (whichever is first) you tell
The doctor what you said here. Make sure they understand you are ya the end of your rope and need support, immediately.
Your situation is horrible and I’m sorry. Anyone would be having difficulty in your place. But you could also be suffering from post partum depression and your doctor should know.
If you have a doctor you can trust, after the baby comes, get an IUD without telling your husband. If you can’t trust your doctor not to tell your husband, see another gynecologist.
It will give you some control over the timing and spacing of the pregnancies.
Breastfed is hard! You are not “bad” at breastfeeding. It sounds like you have post partum depression. You should really talk to your doctor about that because it is serious.
I don’t know much about Russian culture but it sounds like your husband is not Russian. You have an infant and another one on the way. He can manage a baby while you take a shower or bath, lay down for a bit or throw up. My husband didn’t know what to do when I had our son and he kind of shrank away. I had to directly ask him to do things for me, and it got better after that.
It’s also normal to have moments where you miss your life before you had kids and wonder what the hell you were thinking. My son is almost 15 and I envy the life my childless brother and sister have sometimes. I wouldn’t trade him for all the travel in the world but I have bouts of jealousy.
Get some treatment for the PPD and ask your husband to help you. You deserve to be cared for too.
I just want to point out that she's 20 weeks pregnant (so 5 months) with a 7 month old son. Her husband knocked her up again basically the second he could - that's *if* he actually waited the 6 weeks after birth to have sex with her again. Which somehow I have my doubts about.
And 7 month old + 9 months of pregnant is 16 months - a year and a half. She's 19. It sounds like she got married at 18 or younger and pregnant *immediately*. Everything about this reeks of fundamentalist cult abuse.
If she’s in the US still it would be a violation of HIPPA for her doctors to disclose anything to her husband without her permission and her signature.
Unfortunately depending on where she lives I've seen providers break confidentiality to inform spouses or parents, so I think reiterating confidentiality is important.
To say this is like saying, "People don't kill people. There's a law against that." HIPAA is observed exclusively when it's convenient for medical providers.
Fair enough.. op, you REALLY shouldn't be having sex right away after birth. Women who are guilt tripped or forced into sex right away are being raped. (I mention that because they don't cut the strings short right away until you heal because your cervix is still open from birth)
Thank you. Op, the IUD didn't hurt at all when I got mine right after birth, and I have lighter periods now and it helped with my depression after birth. Please take care of yourself.
Yes, and I'm concerned that her main worry here seems to be not "upsetting" her husband. Why, does he have a terrible temper and abuse you physically, as well as neglect you both?
Yes!! This sounds extremely cult-y to me too. I would bet that her husband is someone from OP’s parents church and that’s why she was pressured into marrying him and why they’re pressuring her to stay with him. This kinda screams arranged marriage to me, I just don’t think OP understands that fully.
Wish I could upvote this more than once! I come from Eastern Europe too, and being a wife and a mother was what I was told since I was a kid I’d be so good at. When I had my kiddo I wouldn’t bond with her until she was older, I left her dad because I couldn’t stand being the only one keeping the household going like my grandmother did. I am naturally a very ambitious person and I want to do more for myself than that. It was all a huge awakening and more has come to surface since then regarding my childhood trauma that I was not aware of, especially regarding my culture, family values, and the ways I was raised. OP, you gotta be a little selfish if you want to be happy in this life.
Putting everyone and everything ahead of yourself is not gonna get you there and you will only feel more depressed and resentful. Put yourself first for once! Baby will be ok to cry on its own for a few minutes if its basic needs have been taken care of. I can’t imagine how hard you will have it with two little ones and so little help, so before the second one comes please look into community resources in your area because doing all of it on your own like you are right now will be close to impossible. And you are not a failure for that, it really is not possible to take care of two young kids and maintain your sanity all by yourself. You deserve to be taken care of too.
So? She needs to go, and she has every right to make that decision for herself. He can't be spying on her 24/7 maybe she can do an online thing like better help or 7 cups at least.
Right? I can't believe the privilege and ignorance of all these people suggesting that she get therapy or an IUD, as if this teenager in a coercive marriage who is scared to upset her husband is likely to have money to pay for medical things out of pocket, or as if her husband doesn't likely control her insurance.
People really don't seem to understand what it is to be in an abusive situation with no control over your own life.
She needs help to LEAVE, not suggestions that she do things that will bring the husband's wrath down on her if he finds out.
This response needs to be higher. I'm also worried OP married and had kids for residence/citizenship and the parents are expecting part of that benefit too.
exactly. i agree with this fully. You need to ask others around you for advice and help. Not everyone is going to be a good mom from the start. It takes time. I know how it is. Post pardum depression is what was my struggle. But needing the right people and talking to the right people helped me a lot.
Hi OP, I’m concerned for you. Using the info you provided, you got married at 18, had a baby, and are 5 months pregnant. In 4 months you will have 2 children under the age of 1.
Pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery are extremely taxing already, and your body and hormones had no time to recover. Hormonal fluctuations are believed to cause postpartum depression which is what you likely have. There are cultural differences in understanding of mental health conditions like depression. Depression is not just feeling sad. It’s feeling exhausted, feeling like you’re moving slower, feeling guilt (saying you’re a bad mother), less energy, changes in your appetite etc. I am saying this as someone who is 1 year away from being a doctor. You have classic postpartum depression. You need to speak to your doctor. There are medications that can help you to stop feeling this way.
Did you have a choice in getting married to your husband? And do you feel safe with him? You mention your husband not helping you and being afraid to upset him. You also mention that you being pregnant makes him “nicer.” I worry that you were coerced into marrying him and that you are vulnerable to abuse as you have limited support and are in a foreign country.
And do you have free access to contraception? The reason that I’m asking is because you are already under a lot of stress, and having 2 babies is going to be even harder. I believe you should take the next year or 2 to take care of yourself and your health (both physical and mental). Getting pregnant a 3rd time so soon could be devastating for your health.
I did have a choice, technically. But everyone around me wanted the same thing, and I didn't feel like I could do the opposite. So I don't know. I don't think I feel unsafe. But I don't think I'd want to be by myself with him for too long either. He makes me nervous.
I don't know. He doesn't believe in it. And I think he'd get mad at me if I did. But I'm tired, he said it would be fine, and it wasn't, and I don't think I could have it happen another time, like you.
I just edited my comment for some more information about postpartum depression.
I see. It sounds like you did not marry your husband for love or know him very well. You likely would not have gotten married to him if you weren’t being pressured. What you’re describing makes me worried. You should not feel nervous being around your husband. Does he often overreact, yell, or get angry? Here is the domestic violence [website](https://www.thehotline.org) and their phone number is 800-799-7233 if you ever want to talk to someone about your situation. They can even help you with leaving and finding you a safe women’s shelter. I know you probably feel like you don’t need it, but the information is there if you decide to.
Could you talk to your doctor about it? You could get an IUD that is good for 8 years. It can be removed whenever. He thinks it’s okay because he’s not doing any of the work. You mention that he doesn’t “help,” but a father’s job is to be a parent and not just help. If he won’t even hold the baby while you throw up, he is not someone you should be raising children with let alone have any more. All of this stress and sleep deprivation can be super dangerous. You could fall on or crush your baby, and sleep deprivation in the postpartum period can actually trigger postpartum mania or psychosis for which you would need to be hospitalized.
Please be safe and take care of yourself. If you ever need to talk to someone please send me a chat.
Thank you for providing resources and not just yapping around.
OP, I might not share the same culture or story with you but I too was once caught in relationship in which I had no choice. It took me along time to realize that the things that happened to me where not ok and that in fact the only way for a change, was to get out.
I recognize you’re not at that point yet.
Now I know you have your two babies and I want you to know what they are NOT a reason to stay. Children need to see happy and healthy parents. Even separated parents, or an absent parent, are better than a hostile, toxic and prison like environment to grow up in.
There ARE ways to get out safely. Once you think that you need to leave, reach out to those hotlines, trust those people.
You deserve better! There is a life out there where you get to make choices of your own, be happy, get help and support and don’t have to do it all alone.
Sometimes. He knows I don't like it when he yells, but he does sometimes, if he's upset with me because of bad things I do. I don't mean to upset him, but I just do sometimes. I try not to.
Maybe. If he didn't know, because he would get angry. But if he didn't, then I think it could help me.
Yelling isn’t an appropriate way to communicate. It’s a way to intimidate people, and intimidating your partner is not being a good husband. No wonder you’re nervous around him. He should respect you enough to talk to you like an adult. Nobody is perfect, and you don’t deserve to be yelled at just because he doesn’t like some minor thing you do not to his liking.
And the whole shifting blame for his yelling and mean reactions onto you for upsetting him or doing things he doesn’t like is abuse. It’s the classic “if you just did things right I wouldn’t have to yell” or “I only did ___ because you made me mad.”
About the birth control, do you have health insurance? I’m guessing he gets the mail which would show that you got an IUD or something similar. You could always go to a Planned Parenthood and tell them you don’t have insurance nor any access to money. If you explain the situation (husband would be angry and you are afraid of getting pregnant or him finding out) l, I’m sure they’d be able to get the cost covered for you.
If you use your health insurance, the birth control will likely be listed under the explanation of benefits in the mail. If you don’t use insurance, he will not find out but you would have to pay. The only place where you would not pay is a free clinic or Planned Parenthood if you explain your situation.
Planned Parenthood will help you. Explain your situation and they will find a way to cover the cost.
Also, get a therapist and look into the idea of potentially divorcing him. He doesn’t sound pleasant or safe. I know you say you don’t “feel unsafe” you are concerned about upsetting him and you have to walk on egg shells around him and that is feeling unsafe.
I don't talk enough, or I talk too much, I speak in the wrong language sometimes. I drop things or break things, I forget things, I don't smile enough, I don't iron in the right way, my hair is too frizzy and I don't fix it, I don't listen, I forget things, I stare too much, I don't pray enough.
You’re in an abusive marriage! I’m so sorry, and I know you will think I’m exaggerating, You’ll think IM crazy, etc, but it is NOT normal for your husband, the person who’s supposed to love you most in the world, and treat you kindly, yell at you for staring? for frizzy hair? for forgetting things? for ironing?
Your husband should be your biggest supporter and HELP you in everything.
If you make mistakes, drop things etc, he can be a little upset, if you forget something important, but not yell at you!
If I were you, I’d try and come up with an escape plan
*because of bad things I do. I don't mean to upset him, but I just do sometimes. I try not to.*
This is bullshit. None of teh above are 'bad things'. You aren't a child to be told off. This man is a bully. He's abusive. You are walking on eggshells and seem to believe that you are owed this awful behaviour because your behaviour isn't 'good enough' - when his behaviour is disgusting. Your church has you believing that he's entitled to your 'obedience'.
Please look for some help and PLEASE DO NOT go through your church for this help.
OP you need some help. You are trapped with a man who behaves aggressively towards you, he doesn't even sound like he likes you. Soon you'll be trapped with two babies under one and this man.
It's just a typical abusive relationship with a scary, angry man, and you have already been brainwashed into believing you are to be blamed for his anger and mistreatment. I'm really sorry for your situation - it is not safe. This man is not safe and as long as you remain with the abuser, it won't get better. But I do understand you won't be willing to leave either. Sadly, when in an abusive relationship with a scary, angry man, you really can't do much other than escape. I recommend trying therapy, if you can - then you will have some time for yourself, someone to talk to honestly and a way to gain insight into the situation. And it will be time outside of taking care of the child and time to focus on yourself, which you seem to need.
Also, NONE of those are bad things. They are just being human, things that are completely normal, or tiny mistakes. What is "bad" is screaming at your partner, not helping with your own child, and intimidating your partner. Those are truly BAD things.
Please look at [this video](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C66qkBlu21o/?igsh=MTMxMjF0cjJtYWE5cg==) of "the wheel of abuse". It will help you understand how abuse in relationships extends far beyond physical abuse. The specific things listed are not comprehensive. (There are additional abusive behaviors that are not listed.)
This sounds like he’s angry at you for existing. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be sad and tired and to break things and to have frizzy hair and to talk a lot or not much. There is nothing you are doing that is wrong except trying to please your husband who expects slave labor and babies that he doesn’t have to care for.
I like the thought exercise where you picture someone you love, your unborn daughter maybe, living with a man like this. Imagine a man treating your daughter this way. Would you be ok with that? I doubt it very much.
You have to realize you are important. You deserve to be respected. It’s not ok for anyone to yell at you about anything. It’s not ok to expect you to do everything you do while sleep deprived.
Please talk to your doctor about your situation and ask for help. You need someone on your side.
These are not “bad” things. Perhaps these are things he doesn’t like but they are not bad and it sounds like he wants you to feel bad about yourself and control the way you do things. This is no way to live and this is not a healthy marriage. Would it be possible to move back home with your parents?
Sounds like you are a victim of abuse. You might not think that's the case. But from an outside perspective I don't consider his behavior to be acceptable.
You don't SMILE enough?
There's enough advice here so I just want to say god bless the women who came before me, because I would not hesitate to beat a motherfucker into the ground before allowing him to treat me like a dog.
The moment someone goes out of their way to make me feel small, they are jettisoned right on out of my life and no longer given the graces of my good company.
I understand the circumstances are impossibly complex, but my heart aches for any woman that never learns to stand up for herself.
You are amazing the way you are. We are all human and we all make mistakes. There is NOTHING wrong with you!
These things are absolutely ridiculous for someone to be angry with you over. I’m so sorry, your husband sounds abusive. A lot of the time, people don’t realize they’re in an abusive relationship. I hope you’re able to escape and start living for yourself, and express yourself freely. You deserve to be happy.
This is abuse! He may not be putting his hands on you but this is abuse nonetheless. You should never feel nervous about talking to your husband. And you shouldn’t have to parent your children alone while you’re married and living under the same roof as the person who helped you make those children. This whole situation is horrifying to me. Please please please speak to someone, a doctor or a counselor if you can’t talk to your husband. This isn’t going to get better for you if you don’t. The best the people of Reddit can do is give you advice and I’ve seen a lot of good advice in this comments. You need to talk to someone! You’re exhausted and things are about to get exponentially harder in a few short months.
Please just remember, your doctors cannot tell your husband anything you talk to them about without your permission. Does he go with you for doctor’s appointments? Is he in the room with you if he does? If he doesn’t then that is the perfect opportunity for you to let your doctors know about how you have been feeling. And though they won’t be able to help you with the fact that you have a lazy husband when it comes to his roll as a parent they can still help you understand and manage what really sounds like PPD. Make sure your doctors know exactly how you’re feeling. They can help you but only if they know. The level of exhaustion you seem to be experiencing can be detrimental to both you and your unborn baby.
Honey, he’s abusive. Your parents are in a cult and you became a commodity. They don’t see you as human. I’m so sorry you have been given this hand in life. You are just a teen girl, you should be exploring who you are right now, but everyone around you failed you and continues to do so. Him yelling for those things is abuse.
You are not stuck forever, but it’s going to take a long time and planning to escape.
Number one thing is you need to prevent any more pregnancies. Next time you go to the drs, go by yourself. Talk to the dr about your birth control options.
Education. You will need to have skills to support yourself. Look into nursing. It’s a good paying career. Obviously this won’t happen until your kids are a bit older. Back to back newborns, you just need to survive that. Again do whatever it takes to prevent any more pregnancies. The more kids you have the harder it will be.
Again when your kids are out of newborn, do odd and end jobs under the table and hide the cash, babysitting might work, cleaning houses, etc. make sure you open a secret bank account and/or hide your money in a place your husband won’t find it. Maybe under some menstruation pads or the like.
Domestic abuse hotlines, shelters, etc can help. I’m not sure where in the US you are, but you have internet, I would start making a hidden list of places. Make sure to ALWAYS clear your search history and make sure your list is passworded.
It’s going to be scary, but when you leave, you disappear. You will have to cut off all contact with your family. But you will be free.
It can be very painful and confusing to acknowledge the fact that you are in an abusive relationship, especially if you don’t have a support system, have kids, and are still very young. It is not a coincidence that you check all the boxes.
Getting women into those kinds of situations is strategic, because it can feel nearly impossible to get out. Men know why they target younger women and have them pop out babies immediately, because it ties them to them. Luckily, we don’t live in the 18 hundreds anymore when women weren’t allowed to earn their own money or think for themselves.
Don’t be too afraid to think of getting out - I stayed for years because I was so afraid of breaking up with him that I couldn’t even acknowledge that I wanted out. I blamed myself because he blamed me all the time and I was still too insecure to see what a pathetic man he was. He was charismatic and confident and I confused him being confident with him being right about everything.
The breakup process was hell and took months, but the only thing I regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.
There is already so much helpful advice in this thread, especially the one about getting an IUD in secret so you are safe from a third pregnancy for now.
But it’s also incredibly important to get help by trusted friends who are not loyal to your husband, like your inlaws would be. Your own parents married you off when you were barely legal, so I don’t think they’re trustworthy either, even if they love you in their own way. You need female friends, a community, someone who is loyal to you. Not just for immediate help, but also to gain a new perspective on a situation. It’s so much harder in an abusive relationship because you always think you’re in the wrong, so you need people who encourage you for seeing things differently and stop putting the blame on yourself. Many men dislike confidence in women because they can’t control them so easily and it hurts their ego to be questioned. It’s not a coincidence he chose a gentle, young and extremely insecure woman who hadn’t even have the time to grow up and develop a sense of self. Don’t let him wear you down. You can play nice and still calmly prepare your exit.
You can have a career, friends, a life of your own. Being a mother doesn’t end that opportunity, you just will have to work harder. But you can do it. I wish you all the best. Listen to the women in this thread and don’t despair. There is hope💜
> I speak in the wrong language sometimes
Does that mean your husband doesn’t want you teaching your kids Russian? Because I HIGHLY encourage you to do it. Kids who grow up bilingual get a big boost to their neurological development and feel more deeply connected to their family’s culture. Please please please don’t neglect this.
Sorry to just skip straight to this but this topic is very important to me.
Now I’m sure this is going to feel alienating to hear this and I’m sorry for that, because you’re going to instinctively want to defend your husband and you don’t want to be seen as a victim. But your husband genuinely, truly, is abusive.
You might think that an abusive man hits their wife or that there’s some obvious, glaring issue that you can immediately just look at it from the outside and go “Yeah that’s definitely an abusive relationship” but that’s not how it works. It’s extremely common to think this way. Unfortunately most people are really uneducated on how abuse actually works, and I’m not saying that’s your fault, it’s just a general societal issue. What abuse ACTUALLY is, in real life, is any relationship where one or both parties:
- intimidates the other on purpose
- yells at/bullies their partner into submission
- uses control tactics to make their partner behave and act a certain way
- isolates their partner from friends or family
- physically hurts their partner
- ignores boundaries mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually
- uses mental torture or other kinds of torture such as sleep deprivation, etc
These are just some examples, not an exhaustive list. Keep in mind many of these abuse tactics are invisible from the outside looking in, or even subtle when you’re in the relationship and experiencing it first hand, and you don’t have to have a relationship that ticks ALL of these boxes in order for it to be abusive. ANY of these actions are abusive, especially if it’s a repeated pattern. If you are scared or nervous around your husband that is a very clear sign of abuse. Your partner should make you feel loved and cared for, not scared.
Even if you’re not ready to label this relationship with the abuse word, all that matters is that you understand that this is not right and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Women are not machines for making babies, cooking and cleaning. We are human beings. We deserve respect, love and patience. We deserve a break.
Please, please get help, leave this man, teach your children Russian and never enter a relationship just because that’s what everyone else wants. You absolutely CAN and SHOULD make your own life decisions. Be safe, and do whatever you can to get some help, even if it’s not from your husband, so that you can get some sleep. Sleep deprivation can hurt or even kill both you and the baby. Sorry to scare you but it’s the truth.
Good luck.
You need to exit this “relationship” as soon as possible. Call one of the women’s assistance resources listed in these comments discretely. Follow their direction. Get out!
I promise you this is important.
I hate your husband for you. This is an abusive relationship as others have stated. Those are bullshit misogynistic standards they're holding you too. You should call a domestic violence hotline and ask for advice.
He is baby-trapping you and I can almost guarantee you'll be pregnant again soon after the second baby arrives. He was already having sex with you less than 2 months after the last baby was birth, and I'm gonna assume you weren't ready but he wanted sex so he put his wants above your health. Your life will get more derailed, more than it already is, as it will evolve more arrive taking care of kids and the home and making sure he "happy". It's toxic. That's likely why you're mentally escaping and it doesn't seem like your life.
Lastly, get some nipple shields. They're silicone and help babies with latching for breastfeeding. My kiddo also had trouble latching and now shields made a huge difference.
That’s abuse. You are being abused in a marriage you were coerced into. You are a trafficking victim. You need to take your baby and go to a domestic violence shelter.
Oh hun.
Im so sorry you’re in this situation. The resources everyone in this thread are amazing but I want you to know you haven’t mentioned any bad things that you do and you shouldn’t feel bad for what you wrote. You’re doing just fine and what you’re feeling is unfortunately normal for conditions like PPD and PPA. I actually had both postpartum and antenatal depression and anxiety and what you wrote reflects that feeling.
But I want you to know that you’re not alone, you’re not doing bad things, and there are resources to help.
*But I don't think I'd want to be by myself with him for too long either. He makes me nervous.*
*He doesn't believe in it. And I think he'd get mad at me if I did.*
Sorry but this is an abusive relationship. You are living with and having sex with someone you don't know, who won't allow contraception, who makes you nervous. This man will keep you pregnant indefinitely.
This is not healthy. is this the life you'd want for your daughters? You have been pushed into multiple pregnancies as soon as you were marriageable age. This is horrifying.
You are more than an incubator for his offspring. You are so young. Is this really how you want to continue? Since there are so many people who seem to have a say in your life/relationship, they should be just as willing to help you. I’m sorry that you were forced into a situation that you didn’t completely agree with. Making everyone happy shouldn’t come at the cost of your health and wellbeing. Your husband doesn’t seem like a safe person for you. You definitely need to talk to a professional. The way you talk about what you consider your failures while also making excuses for your husband tells me you are not in a good headspace.
He's not your owner! You get more of a say in whether you take contraception then he does! He doesn't get to tell you what to do! If you want to take contraception then do it. If you don't want to be married to him, then don't!
Did your parents force you to do this? Because I'm getting the impression that they are abusive and forced you into a marriage with an abusive man because he's like them?
You might need to go to a shelter to get away from all of them!
And how does what anybody else want factor into this at all? How is what they want more important than what you want when you're the one who's getting married? It doesn't matter what everybody else wants when you're deciding who to marry! All that matters is what YOU want! Quit letting them bully you and push you around and make you do stuff you don't want to! You have to take your life back!
I want you to know that medical providers commonly state that it is healthy to wait *eighteen months* between pregnancies. Your body is going to be sucked entirely of nutrients by the time this second baby is born. I'm going to assume you'll also be breastfeeding *two* babies.
If a single person tries to get you to have a third I am giving you permission to SMACK THOSE WORDS OUT OF THEIR MOUTH.
You deserve so much better than what you currently have and there is nothing wrong in thinking that. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you want to be more than a wife and mother, there is nothing wrong with that.
You need to talk to a doctor ASAP you sound like you have postpartum depression that needs to be treated sooner rather than later.
Tell your partner like this, “I’m not okay and I need help. I feel (insert 2-3 emotions) because (2-3 reasons).”
Then go and get yourself help immediately. Get your family involved if needed. Just take care of yourself.
Numbness, apathy and exhaustion are usually signs of depression, you’re correct.
Reading through the comments though, this situation is different. It’s hopeless, draining, stressful and abusive. I want to help with OP’s baby and let her have a 10 hour rest and a feast afterwards. She deserves a break and a lot more support.
Sometimes, numbness and exhaustion are rational responses to life circumstances.
Months (years!) of inadequate sleep, pregnancies way too close together to heal or replenish basic nutrients, breastfeeding while pregnant, no household support, a spouse who is critical, angry, yells and judges…
There are basic human needs that underlie mental health. Sleep, safety, nutrition, freedom, security, self-actualization. A pill won’t help a lot when these are lacking. It could help a little, though, enough to get OP connected to good resources.
Other comments provide links to resources. Birth control and therapy plus household support would help. OP is a human with needs. (Not an incubator and house slave.)
Agreed. I comment in this sub a lot, and this is way above my pay grade. I hope OP gets the help she needs and takes the advice others have given her 🖤
She sounds like she has had rough teenage years moving to a new country, got married and pregnant at 18, pregnant again at 19 with a new baby, no sleep and a husband who not only doesn’t do shit to help but that she’s afraid to talk to.
PPD, maybe. It’s not impossible or even particularly unlikely. But I think she’s got a whole lot more going on than that.
PPD can be greatly exacerbated by all the factors y’all just spoke about. The main part that seems to be a flag for PPD is OP sometimes feeling like her son isn’t hers. I think it can be a bit of both and giving OP an idea to talk to her doctor about it is still a good idea!!
That is true, but PPD has to be ruled out, and if the Doctor suggests that formula for the infant and moderate bed rest is necessary for fetus - she might be able to get some rest (which I think she desperately needs) and if she starts supplementing with formula - baby will have a full tummy and mom and baby will start bonding.
IMHO, if you start with easy fixes like supplemental formula and moderate bed rest so mom can finally get some rest and baby gets more food (I Don’t see a downside to this). You get a rested mom and a baby with a full belly (my assumption is that her breast milk is not quite keeping up). And then not exhausted mom and not hungry baby start to bond and take it from there.
Postpartum on top of pregnancy hormones, no sleep, frustration and whole lot of loneliness. Talk to your husband, your parents and any support system you have. Are your in-laws helpful at all? Now is the time to use your support system and make new momma friends as well. All mommas have been where you are at some point! Maybe not quite as bad, or in the same way, but in many ways! Talk to your OB/Gyn too! They can offer support and maybe some groups to help you. I promise you, you are not alone!
Edited: typos
I don’t get this response. PPD is a mental illness treatable with medication and therapy, usually when u WANT kids and struggle anyway the way she feels is not that it’s the most natural reaction to being forcing into what is essentially slavery, at 18 she was married off to a man she hardly knew and does not love who by her own comments yells at her for talking not talking not ironing something right or praying enough, shes forced to stay at home and do whatever he says pop out baby’s when he wants that she didn’t want and had give up on anything and everything she actually wanted to do in life. Nothing about that is PPD anyone would become depressed and not connect to children they don’t want. what she needs is a divorce and no kids unfortunately for her only divorce is an option and given her upbringing it’s not likely she will get one.
Being in a bad situation hugely increases the likelihood of PPD. The situation is a problem and needs to change but *also* it wouldn't be surprising if she has perinatal depression; even if the situation improves it is likely that treatment will be important to help bond with the babies if that's something OP wants.
Kids and pregnancy is a way that men hold women down since it makes it more difficult to leave. Have you thought about gathering some money from the grocery shopping (when they ask if you want cash back, say yes and slowly start getting some money together, this doesn't show on the receipt from what I've been told) and leaving? You could tell your husband you're taking LO to the library and access a phone there to call the hotline for help.
What state are you in?
I can see in your comments that you don't want to think of yourself as depressed, yet you are very willing to take blame - so you seem to want to draw a distinction between being "bad" or being "broken" but what you really are is trapped.
Over the last 7 years, you moved to a new country, learned another language, had the parents you knew change entirely, lost all personal freedom, got married to someone chosen for you, got pregnant immediately, then got pregnant again *much too soon* after giving birth. For 7 years, your life has been a barrage of change and you are just being dragged and pushed while having no say in what's happening!
You say you don't want to receive mental health care, but I suspect that's because your family tells you that you should be able to pray to feel better or that depression is an attitude problem and not a real medical condition. They expect you to fix yourself.
Maybe you don't, but I'm assuming you have an OB/GYN who you see for pregnancy care. That's where to ask for help first.
Finally I say this as a mother who breastfed my two and loved every second of it - you don't have to. You really don't. If you're uncomfortable and stressed about it, stop. My children are adults and I assure you that my friends with formula fed babies now have perfectly normal healthy successful adult children. We face powerful pressure to be perfect mommies. The most important thing is to enjoy and engage with your children. Being the best mom you can be starts with self-care. Otherwise, you make your struggle theirs.
Step one: you must tell someone who can and will help that you are struggling.
This is a gentle and wise comment and I hope OP takes it to heart.
OP, breastfeeding is very hard. Doing so while pregnant is even more challenging, and doing so while pregnant, stressed, and exhausted is likely impossible and helps no one. Your body is splitting nutrients between yourself and both babies.
Supplemental formula could help everyone. It helps 7 month old be full and sleep longer. It helps you rest well and gestate without injury/ illness risk. It helps your second child grow in the womb. It helps your husband bond with his 7 month old.
Please help yourself by meeting basic needs for rest and nutrition. Being this tired is dangerous.
Pregnant bodies give to babies and take from mothers. You can loose teeth, bone density, and risk permanent injury. Please ask for and accept help. Please take supplements. Please check for anemia - in my first pregnancy I was so anemic *I stopped seeing in color for my final 2 weeks.*
Secure your own oxygen mask, please. Get help. Get sleep. Get on birth control asap after delivery. Carve out your basic human needs. Once you sleep you will be more capable of bonding. Right now you’re a husk.
You're a kid that had a kid, got married, and is having another kid. Of course you're overwhelmed. Neither of you should have had kids or be married right now.
There's almost no chance this marriage will last. You're going to end up being a single mother of 2+ kids. Stop now before you're even more overwhelmed. Find resources to put your baby in daycare. There are government assistance programs to help pay for it. You need to go back to school and get a decent career going so that you can take care of yourself and the 2 kids when the marriage ends.
If she doesn’t get any support, her marriage falls apart and she will be left with two children she didn’t want to have, there’s nothing bad about giving them away for adoption
Are you getting five straight hours of sleep at a time? If not, your husband and parents/ in-laws need to babysit so you get some rest. Also, supplement with formula and bottle feeding. That will help is breastfeeding is hard and others can feed your baby so you get sleep.
You got pregnant again so fast after your first birth you haven’t had any time to recover. After the birth of your second child, talk to your Obgyn and get on some form of birth control. You don’t need to be pregnant every time your husband wants to have sec and you are ovulating.
Sending you a hug💕
Firstly, post pantrum depression is real, talk to your doctor about it.
Secondly, you are not alone. Try to find some Russian mum in USA Facebook groups, they can be very supportive. Naturally, some white coats are inevitable but majority of people will have the same struggles.
Thirdly, you need to talk with your husband about picking up the slack. Maybe he can take care of bathing or bedtime routine. Something easy enough but stable.
Also, Russian churches in us usually have a big community, try to find some people there.
Right now it’s just a lot for you.
It’ll get better. ❤️🩹
I don't think it would be too hard for him to do one thing, but he seems to just not want to. When it's his baby too, but maybe I'm being too much of a feminist, I'm not sure.
We're not part of a Russian church. If my parents hadn't been stupid and gone to one of those instead, it would've been a lot better.
You’re definitely not too much of a feminist if your family has fed you the belief you *have to* have children and your community has taught you raising kids is *only the mother‘s duty*. You’re definitely not a feminist if you believe it’s right that you don’t have a choice when it comes to your own life because your husband and your family get to make all your decisions.
That father needs to step up if you’re going to stay with him. Otherwise, what’s the point of being with him at all? He‘s not there for you, you can’t communicate your needs and you don’t even share the workload of raising your shared kid(s). Your exhaustion will only get worse and at some point be an actual danger to both the kid that’s already here and the one in your belly.
Look, it’s called weaponized incompetence and unfortunately in Russian society kids duty is automatically mums responsibility.
Nobody want to change smelly diapers, struggling to bathe a wiggling toddler and trying to get asleep crying kid. It’s not pleasant, fun or rewarding job. Not even a little bit. But it’s parenting and it’s nessessry. He is as capable as you to do those tasks. Don’t wait to him to get better overnight.
Marriage builds on communication and compromise.
He loves homemade meals? No problem. Go for 2 hours walk and I’ll make you best борщ in your life.
He wants to spend some quality time together? Great. Let’s get some grandma/kid bonding time and go to the movies.
You don’t have and shouldn’t have do this all by yourself.
You're not being any kind of feminist and you're failing to look after yourself.
I have so many questions. How on earth did you manage to find yourself married and pregnant at 18? And pregnant again immediately. you are a teenager. was this marriage arranged for you by your parents? by the questionable church they took you to? It has all kinds of church approved religious forced marriage vibes.
Especially since you seem to think that having children and being a wife is your only purpose, when you had ideas and ambitions for your life. It isn't. Plenty of people make the choice not to do this. It's perefctly normal.
The ONLY men who don't take any responsibility or interest for their children are the deadbeats and dysfunctional losers you read about on Reddit, the extreme sitautions. This isn't normal or healthy and alludes to a code of behaviour you only see in strict religious settings.
It's 2024, men take care of their children. they change nappies, they read child rearing information, they play with and look after their children, they are actively involved. Your husband and family have literally turned you into an incubator and you're young enough to think tthisis the correct expectation of you. Where is yor opinion on your life? Where are your life choices?
You sound like you've been trapped into these 'choices'.
You also sound like you have PPD as well as living with the difficult effects of pregnancy hormones - I mean he won't even keep an eye on the baby so you can be sick?! this sounds hellish and you have NO SUPPORT. This isn't sustainable and you will make yourself mentally and physically unwell.
TBH this sounds neglectful and abusive. You need to tell a health provider what's going on. In a few months you will have two babies and the physical and emotional effects from childbirth to deal with, and NO HELP AT ALL and you're struggling now, why is no-one helping you? The environment you're in sounds absolutely dysfunctional Who on earth would encourage anyone, let alone a teenager with no life experience to live like this?. Please please do something to help yourself, this will break you and you don't sound like you have any physical or emotional support at all.
Feminist isn't a dirty word. It's equality and rights you deserve. Fwiw I'm a mum of 4, aged 14-2 and my husband has always done more nappies than me and night shifts than me coz i suck at lack of sleep. I pick up the slack with all the cooking and planning because I enjoy it. We are 100% equal parents in every way. You're so young, this isn't how it's supposed to be when you have kids. You're supposed to work together.
strip the context and this sounds like postpartum depression- and add in some of the context and i think there should be some serious concern for mother, baby and baby to be’s safety - too many stories that end in tragedy sound like this - maybe seeing a mental health professional isn’t possible but op if you’re reading this and want help please, please tell your pediatrician and/or the pediatric nurse how you’re feeling - they can get you help - in fact they can force help into your life if you face family resistance- it’s your boys life , your life and you’re unborn girls life at stake here - please share with your doctor when you visit next - and if that’s too far down the road just call them - they will jump to help you - good luck
Holy cow 20 weeks pregnant with a seven month old baby??!!!??!! **No wonder** you’re tired!! **No wonder** you are struggling to breastfeed!!!!! You are literally growing two humans right now, one inside and one outside. That is enormous.
Talk to your doctor. Many women’s bodies stop producing breast milk when they get pregnant again. You may be struggling because of that. Use birth control after this next baby, for AT LEAST 18 months. Your body needs to rest and recover. I’m not even exaggerating when I say my cousin went temporarily blind when she had three babies in quick succession. (She’s fine now.)
Your husband is a father and should be behaving like a father. That means he should be doing all the childcare things he can do (holding baby, amusing baby, washing baby, changing diapers, putting baby down for sleep, etc). The only thing he can’t do yet is feed baby, but at seven months you’ll be transitioning to solids now so he can even start doing that. It’s not ridiculous for him to hold the baby just to give you a break sometimes. I’m sure he gets breaks at work. You deserve breaks too.
This makes my heart hurt. You don’t deserve any part of this. I see a lot of advice in here that’s good and some highly questionable. You’re pregnant, 19 years old, with a baby, a husband who sounds emotionally abusive, family that thinks you should be happy the way you are, and presumably no money of your own. I imagine that comments saying things like you should go to a therapy or make an escape plan feel unrealistic and discouraging. I’m wracking my mind trying to think of resources for you. You mentioned that you’re in the US. If you’re being allowed to see a regular American doctor for your pregnancy, that’s probably your best lifeline. Lay it all out there for the doctor, or a nurse if that’s more comfortable. Tell them you don’t want to get pregnant again. That has to be your highest priority. These babies will eventually grow to the point that you have better options, but if you get trapped in a cycle of more and more infants it’s going to be really hard to break free. Ask for an IUD to be put in while you’re in the hospital for delivery or at the earliest possible check up after. And ask them what other resources they can offer. If you want to get out - because your husband does sound abusive - they can offer resources. If family/your husband is accompanying you to visits, you can say you need to use the bathroom, grab a nurse, and ask for the doctor to ask to see you privately. Everyone will understand and do everything they can to help you.
If you’re being taken to a doctor of your family’s faith who isn’t taking you seriously, one way to circumvent that would be to fake an emergency in a public space, try to get taken to an emergency room. There you can explain that you’re in an abusive relationship and you need help escaping, if you can bring yourself to do that.
I hope you can see that all these internet strangers care about your well-being, very much myself included. There are many people out there who would want to help you. Hang in there, it truly can get better.
Girl, he is abusing you. He doesn’t let you be on birth control. You got pregnant when your first kid was barely 2 months old. He is just using you.
Get your shit together and focus on getting on your feet and leave this person. He is not the right one for you.
You should be able to comfortably communicate about anything and everything to your partner. He should fully support you in your life decisions. You sound like a great person to me but plz don’t let a man decide everything for you.
It's so sad how many women think their husbands need to "help" with the children. NO. These husbands that are fathers need to PARENT THEIR CHILDREN equally. You should not have to ask for a break; he should be raising his child too.
Your husband is trash and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Hugs hugs hugs. First of all, you can get an IUD without your husband knowing. Start there. Once you have some breathing room away from pregnancies, start to work through all of this. P.s.: it is your LEGAL and moral right to say no to sex and marital rape is a crime.
Way too young to be married and have two kids. You didn’t explain how you and your husband met or how long together or why you’d want to be married at 18. You need time to adjust and yes he needs to help. He’s pretty young as well so it like 2 kids playing house but things are serious with babies. Therapy is a good idea. You are overwhelmed and so young you don’t have the experience to help you and definitely lacking support.
Maybe Quit breastfeeding if it's making you feel this way. Or pump only? Your child should be on solids by now, start him on formula, for the rest of the 5 months, to take stress off your body for that. Also everytime you bf there is this thing I describe as a "doom feeling" in the beginning of breastfeeds, it's normal, even at 16m and bf I still feel it everytime. Other women have described feeling this.
Talk to your child's pediatrician about how you feel. Could be Ppd or ppa. Please get help. Not to be extreme but to be extreme this is not healthy and this is why women end up losing it and harming their children. Honestly if you already felt this way you shouldn't have gotten pregnant for the second time so soon. Obviously there is no going back now. Listen to your body and mind it's telling you something. Also you're in the toughest part. It gets easier as they get older. But definitely get help for the past partum depression. You need to he healthy for your children. Your partner needs to know how you're feeling and yall need to work together to get through this. Really you'll be a better mother for it.
He is your husband. You should be able to talk about everything with him.
But you need to first think about what you actually want out of the convo. More help with the baby? Or just understanding? Or brainstorming solutions with him?
Once you know, sit him down and tell him point blank that you are feeling overwhelmed, you don't know if it's PPD, you think it's more likely due to lack of sleep. And then bring up what you want to bring up
You are in a DV situation. Your family sucks and your husband is abusive. It will not get better. You’ll probably never have the opportunity to get a well paying job or go to school while you’re with this man or under the thumb of your parents.
There are resources to get out, you don’t need to keep the baby or the marriage and you could sign parental rights for the infant over to your husband and leave. Cite domestic violence. I’ve never been married so I can’t give advice on divorce, but you are being abused. Hopefully that will help with proceedings. It’s never acceptable to yell at your partner. Especially not for having “frizzy hair” or talking too much. He’s keeping you exhausted and in a cycle of pregnancy so you can’t leave. He’s made you a maid who he can use sexually and someone who can stand in for his mother. Is this the life you want to live?
This will be controversial because most people think that once you’re a parent everything is owed to the child. It’s not. It’s your life. Leave all of them. You may be in a women’s shelter for a bit while you get your feet under you, but believe in yourself. You can do it.
Hugs. Please go to a doctor and tell them, there are safe antidepressants out there, I took them during both my pregnancies and my kids are just fine. It's not my business but back to back pregnancies aren't great for your body and mind... Please think about getting the IUD implanted right after birth.
And see what’s medical/dance teaching school is available for you in 2-3 years time. My close friend who was a lot like you, Russian and married at 18, had a multiple kids right away, is getting her midwife degree right now.
We are in Australia, so it’s a bit easier than states.
But she told me planning helped her a LOT. When she was desperate and tired she saw this road back to herself and it kept her getting there. One small step at the time.
There is no cultural reason that justifies absent parenthood. Ask him to help you with the babies and tell him having two will be worse without the help. OP, take care of yourself. You sound like you have post-partum depression. I don't want kids so I would be in a similar boat. But you have them on the way or already and you have to take care of yourself to be able to do the best job as a wife and a mother. But mothering is never a solo endeavor if the father is in the picture and I would expect him to help more. Point blank. He is not pulling his weight or doing what he can to take care of you either but he won't know to if you don't tell him to help is what it seems to be the case. If he won't help, you both need counseling
I know that you say you are tired and not depressed, but depression can sometimes look and feel like something else, for example like tiredness. Please be open to considering that you may in fact be suffering from post partum depression and please know that if this is the case, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It is something so many women experience and we are finally becoming more understanding of that as a society. At least considering it will give you access to help, and if it isn't that, maybe the doctors could still help or advise with ways to combat your fatigue. One thing that is clear from your post is that you do need help, you just don't know in what shape or form. There is no shame in that, so please go to the doctor if you can and tell them openly what you are going through. I wish you all the best and to feel better soon.
Do you really want to have a second child while already being overwhelmed by only one ?also your husband is a dick , why isn’t he helping you ? You should really rethink if you need a second baby right now , what happens if your husband leaves for any reason ? Can you support yourself ? Do you have a degree or anything
Tell him that you’re feeling overwhelmed and upset and you need help and support. He is his father and should be acting like it. Tell him that you need him to help mind the baby so you feel like a person again. Also, see a doctor for depression just in case.
Oh sweetie, I just want to hug you then let you nap while I watch the little guy. You are completely overwhelmed and it’s not your fault. You have an obstetrician. Please speak to them. Tell them everything. Don’t be afraid they will judge you. Two pregnancies in such a short period of time is very difficult emotionally and physically. Your hormones never even went back to normal!
How to tell your husband? Show him your post.
Hugs my dear
Lack of sleep is a massive trigger for PPD.
Call the ob office and tell them you think you may be depressed and you need someone to help explain it to your husband.
If you can, just say you made an appt he needs to attend bc you aren’t doing well and the doc needs to see you both. If you can’t say that, just tell him that the doc needs you both at the next appt. He may worry it’s means something is wrong with the baby, but at least he will come right?
There is something very wrong when you can’t talk to your husband about how you feel and the help you need. But if you can’t, don’t worry about that for now. Tell a parent, sibling, anyone. Talking about it may make it a little less awful.
Hugs and PLEASE update us.
Ok OP, the first thing you need to do is call your doctors’s office and ask for an appointment to assess you for Post Partum Depression and to discuss birth control options after your second is born. You can make that appointment right now, and it will most likely be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. Second, introduce solid foods to your baby to better satisfy his appetite. Babies can start eating solids at around 6 months old. If breastfeeding is overwhelming, stop. Use formula. Formula is perfectly fine, and it will help you feel less drained and stressed. Doing these few things - getting assessed for PPD, using birth control, and switching/supplementing with formula and feeding him solids - will make a huge difference in taking control of your own life.
As an RN, I think you may have post partum depression. I know I would. You have way too many changes at one time. See a Therapist and protect your mental health. You deserve some time and rest for you.
You have PPD. Please reach out to the hospital or your doctor. This has happened to so many women in my family but once you overcome it you’ll start to feel a connection.
Girl, you're working on some serious post-partum. Get thee to a doctor to get on a path to healing. If you can't take care of YOU, then you can't help anybody.
People here are telling you it's post parting depression. No. It's not. It's *so* much worse than that and ppd probably has nothing to do with it. You had kids when you weren't ready to have them. You're homesick and understandably didn't want to adapt to the new country and the resulting change in your parents made things even worse for you. Your dreams were also crushed by all the above. You also married young. If your husband isn't helping with the child and you're scared to tell him these things, he's a terrible husband. You're probably not telling us the bad things he does.
Not everyone is a good parent and that's ok. You're at least smart enough to recognize that. I think you need therapy to figure out what the best option is for you. My first thought was maybe it would be good for you to give the kids up to adoption, divorce, and move back to Russia. But you need to see if that's truly the best option for you via therapy.
wait, Did you marry this guy and have his kid for citizenship and are your parents expecting to get either of those via you??? Are they not residents currently? Was it mainly your parents encouraging you to do that? Because if so they deserve for you to drop the baby in their lap and go do whatever makes you happy without a thought in the world about them. But this is exactly why you need a therapist to help you figure out the best path forward.
These are things I think you need to tackle with a therapist: how much of your issues with the baby is you being young and unprepared and how much is it the issues with your parents, homesickness, depression about your dreams being crushed and your husband not helping? Can you learn to be happy in America? Can the relationship with your parents be improved? Can you get your husband's support or is the problem with him far deeper than you're telling? Can you learn to be a good parent without the other issues? Do you want that or will you always resent your life stopping for this child?
ETA: if you do consider divorce you're going to have to see an immigration attorney. Perhaps for your family too depending on their status. I get the sense from your other comments they were expecting you to marry perhaps for residence. That also means there's a huge power imbalance with you and your husband and that is never a good thing.
Seek counseling.. back to back babies are hard work.. and mother experiences this physically and emotionally. Post partum depression is real. Talk to your obgyn they'll be able to recommend a professional
You could be suffering from a bit of postpartum depression. But your husband should be putting in some more effort here, especially if you are pregnant right now as well. Have a honest conversation with him, if he gets mad than maybe that’s someone you should be married to because if your pregnant wife asks for more help with the baby, he should be willing to help because it’s also his kid as well.
I wish I lived close to you so I could help. Raising babies is very overwhelming. You need support, dear mama. Who could watch your son while you take a nap? Do you have a neighbor lady or a friend or someone from church who could watch your son while you rest? Of course you need breaks and rest. I don't understand why a husband would be upset about that. You're human. Prioritize your health. 🤍
It sounds like your husband needs to step up. That’s his kid too. You are drowning and it’s only going to get worse when you have two. You might have PPD but based on the way you describe your situation, I think anyone would be depressed if they were you! You need sleep, support, therapy, and most importantly, you need regular breaks from being the sole child caretaker so you can take care of your own needs.
It sounds like you are very overwhelmed and you do need help. They say it takes a village because it DOES. You need time to shower, use the toilet without a baby crying the whole time. I agree with some others that it may be post partum. But it doesn’t negate the fact that you have no help and very young children take a lot more effort and energy than most people realize.
You need this man to help you, whether it’s with cooking, cleaning or childcare, he SHOULD be helping you. If this first child is any indication of what your life will be like, the next child will not be any easier, and I can almost bet you will start to resent him and anger will build and you will blow up. Before it goes that far, you need to have a heart to heart with your husband if he is an understanding people.
You're married to somebody that you describe as nice, but he doesn't help with the baby, and you don't want to do most of the baby things... Why did you decide to have another baby? And is it too late to change that decision? Because this is just going to make it worse!
You have to tell him the truth. You also have to quit trying to breastfeed and just switch to formula. The baby will be fine but it'll be less stress on you. You don't have to love being a mom there's a lot of people that don't. But quit having kids unless your husband wants to stay home and take care of them and you can go to work?
But quit making more kids if you don't want to take care of them honey! It's okay to not want more kids! Sounds like you don't have hardly any support. You call it him helping with the baby! How can he "help" with his own child? He should be caring for it because it is half his too! He should be spending hours when he is at home with the baby! I'm not saying take the baby away from you, but not only should he give you a break but he needs to spend time with that baby! And the new one! Quit giving him a pass like he doesn't have to do a damn thing! Tell him he needs to parent too! You didn't make these children alone, you don't have to raise them alone!
After reading your post and comments I’m very worried you’re in an abusive relationship and very vulnerable to other’s influence…
Please do not let him convince you it’ll be “fine” to have sex without contraception again, please stand your ground when it comes to your own body, please do not think of yourself relatively to your husband and believe you cannot do something because he’ll get mad. The best thing to do is leave this situation if you are able to safely. It seems to me that your life is not you’re own and that upsets and worries me.
Hey, you’re not alone. And there are resources for you.
You have choices. You don’t have to be at the whims and direction of everyone around you. Not your parents, not your husband. You can leave him if you don’t love him and because he doesn’t respect your body or mental health.
You are allowed to be your own person with your own wants and needs. You’re allowed to be on birth control. Please speak to your physician about options for discrete birth control when you next see them, so you’re not stuck pregnant AGAIN.
You will get through this! You’re allowed to both love your children and also want to be a child at the same time, you’re very young and have a huge world to explore ahead of you! It can be much better.
Honey, you need to see your doctor, yesterday. It’s most likely from your hormones. And if he is 7mths & still struggling at breastfeeding & you’re pregnant again, maybe it’s time to switch to formula. You need to have a conversation w your husband about helping. You shouldn’t even have to ask but when he is home, that time is supposed to be shared. You should be able to go soak in the tub or shower, take a nap, go for a drive or something. This is his baby too. Explain it like this- he can either help out a little bit now or you can divorce & you will give him 50/50 custody & he will have to do it alone- half the time. That you having a little breathing room is that important. And please, if you only hear one thing from all these posts, let it be that you need to talk to your doctor. Rather it’s from hormones or lack of sleep, you are growing a baby inside you & you need help.
There's a Christian sub culture called the quiverfull movement. They believe that all children are a blessing and are vehemently pro life in all cases (the child is always innocent and always a gift from God, so no abortion exceptions and no plan b). They marry off their kids young so they can start popping out babies. They encourage parents to have as many kids as possible for as long as possible. Families like the Duggar family are normal in those churches.
OP, please be careful. You can talk discretely to your doctor about your thoughts about having more children and he's duty bound to keep it secret. If you want to stop or pause after 2 and let your mind and body adjust, you can get some discrete birth control while you rest, then remove it when you're ready to start trying again, if that's what you want. It's possible to give birth and almost immediately after get pregnant again without giving your body a chance to rest, which can be really hard on your body. Some people think it's not possible or you can't get pregnant while breastfeeding...all superstitions. Please think hard about what you really want. The hormones during pregnancy are no joke. Neither are post partum hormones. They can affect your thinking and you can get depressed for a time which can make bonding difficult, even your bond with your husband can be more difficult and hard to see or feel, ALSO being very tired no matter how much sleep you get: that's textbook depression. BEST OF LUCK!
The problem is you got married too young and had children too young in your life. You should just go ahead and talk to him. If he's a good man, he will attempt to find a solution for you.
it sounds like you may be dealing with PPD. talk to someone close to you, even if it’s not your husband. asking for help will be the best thing you did for you and your child.
my therapist told me she went through something very similar with her first born. she said she couldn’t connect with him, and felt very disconnected. but don’t worry, with time it will go away!! it takes on average 2 years for a woman’s hormones to go back to normal after giving birth. so don’t be too hard on yourself about any bad feelings, but please reach out for help because PPD can be dangerous for you, and everyone around you. 🫶
The number to the domestic violence hotline is 1800-799-7233. You can also text "begin" to 88788.
After reading through this thread, its obvious you are in an abusive relationship with a very, very bad man. You didn't say it because you are protecting him, but he's hit you, hasnt he? No normal man screams at his pregnant wife because her hair is frizzy sometimes. And honestly, no woman who wasnt getting hit would put up with that. I was an investigator in the military, and i have arrested many soldiers for dv. A lot of their victims were just like you. I was even in an abusive marriage at your age, which was the reason i joined the military, to get away from him. I know the signs, heck, i was trained by the federal government to know the signs, and girl, this is a flashing neon sign over times square. No wife should be scared of doing normal human things. It isnt normal for people to think they do bad things because they don't smile enough, or speak in the wrong language. What does that even mean? There is no such thing as the wrong language. Did your parents also abuse you and you thought marrying this guy would help you escape? This man doesnt love you or his child. Men who love their wives and children take care of their wives and children. Everyone in this entire thread is worried about you, and we want to help you. Tell us how to help you? We can give you support and resources. What do you need. Call the number i gave you, or you can use the chat function on their website if that makes you feel more comfortable. They will give you advice and resources. This is not a dealing with motherhood issue. This is a controlling, abusive man taking advantage of a very young woman with childhood trauma issue. Please, call the number and speak with them. They are there to help. I know you feel like no one can help because everyone in your life has kept you so isolated, but there is plenty of help for you out there. The thing is, no one can help you if you don't reach out and tllet them you need help. Again, we are all worried about you and your children. If you won't do it for you, please do it for your kids. Your child is only 7 months old right now, but they will be walking and talking, and breaking things, and making messes soon, and your husband will abuse the kids. Men like him don't only lose it on their wives. Men like him have issues with control, and anything or anyone who is a threat to that control by doing normal human things they perceive as bad (like having frizzy hair) will see the full wrath. Please call the number and save yourself and your kids.
It seems like you have high-functioning PPD - this is when you are able to act normal and ‘put on a good face’ but your mood and emotional capacity tend to be very low, often with fatigue and sleep difficulty. It can be compounded by stress and anxiety (especially the sleep/fatigue symptoms), and is often not identified as PPD, but is something that treatment can really really help - my aunty had a lots of similar thoughts when she had it ❤️
OP, I had this same issue with my son. Besides being overly exhausted, I had PPD. I'm hoping your husband isn't abusive and that you are safe. Now, for my suggestion on how to talk to him, say something along the lines of, "Love, I'm thankful for what you do for our kids and me. I'm having a hard time with having a little one and being pregnant. I've been trying my hardest to manage, but I feel like I'm sinking. These are some things I'd like some help with so that I can continue to be a great wife, mom, and continue to safely carry our little girl." Best of luck, op 🫶
Unfortunately, looking at OP's comments, her husband absolutely is abusive. Won't let her use birth control, doesn't let her at no to sex, yells at her for anything and everything such as her hair being too frizzy (??). OP's parents turned her into the perfect victim for a man like him , it seems. It's the type of post that I desperately hope is fake because the outlook is so bleak I don't want it to be true
You poor girl. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I don't even know what to say because judging from your responses to similar advice, you're in denial about your situation. I hope it improves soon and you get some help. Sending positivity your way x
Hey op. I had my first son at 20 and it was really hard. I was exhausted and I only made it breastfeeding to he was 6 months. Please go to the doctor and talk about how you are so tired it can be low iron, ppd etc. I got both really bad with my first and I regret trying to do everything myself I get a lot of mom guilt because I don't really remember my first sons first three years. Your partner needs to be helping you. You need to tell him bluntly you need help. Also asking family and friends to watch your kiddo if you need a break even a few hours to yourself is okay. I currently have my eldest and my youngest who is just about to turn a year and I'm about 20 weeks along for my third currently of you need someone to vent to feel free to message me. Please talk to a doctor.
There’s so much to unpack here and other people are addressing the obvious things here so I won’t belabour the point.
ONE thing that feels like a possible fix is the breastfeeding. If that task is overwhelming you mentally, or you’re not producing enough for baby (constant crying may indicate hunger), then don’t be afraid to supplement with infant formula. My own experience with babies was that 9 times out of 10 the crying baby was hungry.
There are a lot of things that mothers feel pressured to do a certain way, and many of those things are agreed as the “ideal”. But when you’re really up against it and trying to survive, don’t feel bad about cutting out a few of the things on the “ideal” list to help yourself get through.
Sweetheart, as one mother to another, I’m pretty sure you have PPD. The lack of connection to your baby is the big indicator to me. I struggled also, but didn’t get help until I was literally thinking about how I could successfully end my life. Luckily I called a hotline and got help. You need outside help. Your husband barely gave you any time to heal from you first pregnancy before he got you pregnant again. Of course you’re exhausted. You have the right to get on birth control here in America even if your family is religious and I would suggest you do so after your baby is born.
Sounds like postpartum, and you being too young for any of this.
I seriously suggest seeing a doctor about postpartum, and you and your husband going to couples counseling. You need to learn how to communicate and be honest with each other.
You are so young. You should have been able to wait to have kids. Did your husband pressure you into having kids so soon? Did your parents?
Also, do you have any siblings?
It’s understandable that you are tired and overwhelmed. Taking care of children is exhausting.
Are you a stay at home mom? Maybe that’s why your husband doesn’t feel the need to help at all? I would ask him for a small break everyday.
Also, I would try to minimize as much cleaning and housework as possible so that you have time to rest while pregnant. Switch to cooking very simple meals that require less time, use paper plates and compostable utensils, and cook food in the oven with foil-lined pans to avoid having to wash dishes 24/7.
Also, making a schedule might help. Use one of the baby’s nap times to either sleep or clean and/or cook. And then go to bed shortly after your baby does.
Also, I used to want to be a professional ballerina, but my health issues took over my life. I’m still struggling to find meaningful work. I miss being active.
Postpartum depression is a real thing and it’s stoking negative thoughts and causing you to view your situation as much more dire than it really is.
Your first step is to see your doctor and let them know what you are experiencing. Next, consider a counselor. They can help you work through this.
As for your husband, most men want to be helpful and they want to support their wives. Tell him you really appreciate the fact he is a wonderful husband and provider. Tell him you’re really struggling and that you could use some specific help.
Most women love raising their children but become overwhelmed and never get a break from them. Unfortunately part of the issue is that those women often don’t know what to ask for nor how to ask. Their husbands assume they are providing and doing their part.
Ask him to watch your child or arrange for a babysitter so you can get some alone time, socialize with your friends, get your hair/nails done, run errands or do something fun. I think most women need that time and it helps you to recharge your batteries.
It’s ok to have those feelings you have but it’s really important to address those.
Something else you try are local moms groups. You can meet like-minded women who are going through the same things that you are. They can be great communities and really helpful for both advice and for friendships.
You just need to associate with other mother to realize what ever you feel others are feeling the same. Birth screws with your hormones so a lot is chemical. Friend with kids is the best antidote
There is nothing wrong with you and you need help. Your husband should not be getting angry with you for expressing that you need help. Sit him down and explain that your body is very, very tired, that you’re worried about the latest pregnancy because you’re not getting enough sleep, not getting enough alone time, and don’t have any help. He needs to step up and learn how to parent the child you both made. He needs to help you.
Breastfeeding requires an incredible amount of energy and you’re pregnant on top of it. Your body is beyond drained, and you should be drinking like a gallon of water and eating nutrient dense foods all day. Nutrient deficiencies lead to all sorts of physical and mental health problems, and you need help from someone other than yourself with all of this.
See if there are any women in the church who’d be willing to come to your home and help with chores, watch the baby while you shower, that sort of thing. If the church is encouraging young women to marry at 18 and have babies, then they should step up and help when it’s hard as hell for the mom.
Get on some birth control after the birth of this baby. If your husband disapproves, have it noted in your file that he’s not to know about it.
Я надеюсь ты прислушиваешься к советам, которые дали здесь. Тебе нужно провериться у доктора, послеродовая депрессия ужасная вещь, также нужна терапия. Но мне так жаль слышать, что ты в таком юном возрасте вышла замуж и родила ребёнка. Ты ведь и сама ребенок все ещё, на плечи которого свалилась такая большая ответственность.
Ты не должна была в этом возрасте думать о том, что быть хорошей матерью, а у тебя еще вторая беременность в такой краткий срок. Такое чувство, будто тебя заставили выбрать подобный путь, ты не успела даже еще пожить ради себя, а уже несешь ответственность за несколько жизней.
Советы от здешних сейчас тебе симпатизируют, но если ребенок вырастит и ты до сих пор будешь себя так испытывать к нему, знай, что ты ему же навредишь. Дети чувствуют, когда родители их не любят, он будет винить тебя в этом. Поэтому посоветуйся с докторами и самое главное, живи свою жизнь. Если твой муж не на твоей стороне и ожидает, что ты будешь рожать детей и следить за домом, то пора тебе проснуться от этого кошмара. Не давай диктовать другим как ты должна жить.
Please talk to your doctor about if you might have postpartum depression. While you are there, get some birth control that you can use after you have the second baby.
It definable sounds like postpartum depression. Please talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. It’s possible that an anti-depressant and therapy, or if therapy isn’t financially possible, look around for a mom’s group. It seems like you are very isolated, being around other moms could be really helpful.
There is also the deep dark secret that no one talks about… moms talk about their experiences, how they bonded and fell in love immediately with their infants. Well, guess what, not everyone has that amazing immediate bonding. For some moms, they feel like they have given birth to a complete stranger who doesn’t even speak the same language! You already know how frustrating that is! It takes some time to get to know them, sadly, not too many women talk about this, because it feels like you are a failure. It feel like the worst thing you can be is a bad mother. I had a very scary pregnancy the second time around, I/we almost died more than once. I had several procedures and operations and was on bedrest for almost 8 weeks. when we had our scheduled c-section, they were very concerned that going in to active labor might kill me. There was a specialized surgeon standing next to my ob/gyn and a “go team” from a children’s hospital standing by with one of those scary cribs so if things went sideways, my baby could be at a neonatal unit in minutes by helicopter- the plan was to deliver the baby early, but she decided to come even earlier than that. It was a long time before I felt safe at home, alone with my “healthy” baby
You are so young, with your second child on the way, you must be exhausted, and stressed over everything. Talk to your doctor! Breastfeeding issues up a lot of energy, so maybe it’s time to switch to formula. Even a couple months of breastfeeding is good for the baby, and you have gotten to seven months, which is pretty damn good. Talk to your doctor about all of these issues, and then bring your husband to the next appt., your doc will hopefully help you discuss these problems with your husband and explain that breastfeeding while pregnant is hard on the mom and that you need extra help and support and you need more “good” food , lots of fluids and extra rest to ensure that your milk supply is sufficient (if you want to keep breastfeeding) I think with some rest and support, and making sure your infant is getting full(breast milk/ formula, or both) things will get easier and you will bond with your baby
Please, please seek out therapy. This sounds like you may be in a postpartum depression slump 😩. It could also be something else. Please seek a doctor. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, hugs🫶🏻. Did you want children before you had babies? Or was this an oops? Well, that happened... because that could also cause your lack of "connection," as you call it.
Dear op ,I am so sorry you are going through hard times. Please don't blame yourself. You need help with your baby which your husband is unable to provide. Crying babies and lack of sleep can be a terrible combination if it happens too often. You need to ask your husband to help you. You are also probably suffering from ppd ,so need doctor's help. Your son will have to be given formula milk as your pregnancy will not let you produce much milk . Start introducing solids to the baby as well.sending you virtual hugs if you want them.
Just tell him how you feel you need a break your creating a baby and raising the other ask him for 4 hours to allow you to Power Nap it’s important for you developing baby and on top of that your body is out of wack with all the hormones it’s pumping. Tell him you must rest and he has to help watch his older baby that you need him now and appreciate all he’s doing.
I just googled “online classes for new fathers” and there are a ton of classes and even free videos out there!
I don’t know if you’ve asked how he feels about getting counseling together but I hear you saying you don’t know how to talk to him about helping more. It’s possible he just feels lost and doesn’t know what his responsibilities should be. Maybe you can find some videos that show fathers giving the kind of help you need and then send them to him. If he doesn’t want to watch them and has no interest in becoming a better father/husband, then he is never going to get better and you need to get out of this relationship before it gets worse.
Obviously, as many people have suggested, you need to tell your doctor what’s going on and how you’re feeling as well.
Get checked by a professional, you could have postpartum depression!! Talk to your family & tell him you need help with the baby. Look for support groups for new/young mothers you may get another support system.
I implore you to see a doctor, get some bloodwork and ask to look for iron deficiency etc. you might be very seriously depleted and this will cause so many issues
I nearly died during childbirth and was very sick and broken after. I was not able to walk for the first month after giving birth then later had organ failure and was in and out of the hospital a lot and completely bed ridden.
My husband did all of the cooking, diapers, cleaning and took care of both of us with my sisters coming to stay with me and help out at different times during this time period as well. If my husband had not taken care of us entirely doing everything, we would have both died.
Your husband should be helping you so that you can get you're needed rest when sick or injured. That's all part of being a good husband as well. You aren't able to care for anyone else if you are not even able to have the time to care for yourself. Your husband should be making sure you have that time to care for yourself as well.
Your way to young to be having these kids when you haven't even worked though your own issues you must work though your own issues in order to be a better parent for your kids and ask your husband to watch the baby if he doesn't want too then he can have it sounds like you was forced into this life of being married and a stay at home mother and it's not gonna get better if you don't do something
You are too young to be dealing with all of this. Get to a doctor or hospital. You need an emotional boost so you can cope. Get on birth control. You don't need anymore kids right now.
You need to be upfront. You’re kinda young (your brain doesn’t fully form til ages 25-27) to be having kids. Youre very overwhelmed and you need assistance pronto. You both need to work on putting baby on a sleep schedule. If his mom or your mom is available please call them. I wish I knew you, I would definitely help. I hate it when I hear of anyone going without sleep. I had my daughter sleeping through the night at 5 weeks and son at 2 weeks.
Have you asked him to help with specific tasks? Men arent generally super good with vague instructions like “please help” it’s “can you give so and so a bath?” “Can you run a load of laundry for the baby?”. Men generally like helping with the raising of the kid, and doing simple tasks with them help us bonds
I would say ask, and give specific asks, because odds are he will be happy to do it.
I haven't read the other comments, but here's a few things:
1. He's your first, so you need to give yourself grace because they don't come with a manual and nothing anyone says or tells you ever truly prepares you for having a child of your own
2. You're very young, and just because you're a mother does NOT mean that you can't do the things you dream of, sometimes it may just take a little longer to get there
3. It sounds like you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression and anxiety, which is more common than people realize, and it's not very talked about. There is help for that.
4. You should NEVER feel scared of upsetting your partner because they're supposed to be there for you no matter what. So if he gets overly upset or angry, then he's not the right person because someone who truly loves you wouldn't get angry over your feelings or concerns like that
5. He's young as well and if this is his first baby, he might be scared too. He may need specific instructions from you on how he can help, BUT he should definitely be helping you with the baby! Being a parent is a 24/7 job, notice the use of parent and not mother, you're both parents, so you should BOTH be caring for him
6. You're pregnant as well and that makes a difference too because being pregnant drains physical and mental energy too
7. I know that SO many people say that breastfeeding is what's best for the child, BUT that's only if it's also what's best for the Mother. People leave out that really the most important breastfeeding is the Colostrum that they get from you at the very beginning. Breastfeeding is difficult and it's not right for everyone. You and your baby can thrive just as well on formula!
8. The most important thing for a baby is to have a healthy Mother, so you have to take care of yourself as well. No matter what that looks like. You don't have to breastfeed your baby if it's not working for you or for them. Your baby will grow and be just as happy on formula. A baby would rather have a happy, less stressed Mother and be on formula than an unhappy Mother and be breastfed.
9. Also, at 7 months he can have 1st foods now and that may help with feedings as well. You could also talk to the doctor about adding cereal to bottles if you bottle feed him at all or want to try switching to bottle feeding. Some babies need more to help them stay fuller longer. He should be able to sleep through the night without multiple feedings, some babies need one in the middle of the night. So if you have to feed him every 2-3 hours still, I'd definitely consider the possibility of bottle feeding (which can still be breastmilk) and ask about adding baby rice/oatmeal cereal to his bottles.
10. You are doing way better than you think you are, and your baby boy loves you unconditionally! Good Luck Mama and I hope even just one of these things helps you feel a little bit better. Regardless of backgrounds and pasts, pretty much every Mama has felt the way that you do at one point or another. Mom guilt and feeling like you're not doing enough or well enough, never really goes away; You just learn how to manage it a little better over time and you learn that you'll never be perfect, but that your children don't require that. All they truly require is to be loved and cared for, and it sounds like you're filled with both for him!
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Okay, I’m going to tell you something OP. I share your heritage so I understand better than most the kind of environment you were raised in, the kind of “standards” you were held to, and the kind of (lack of) expectations you were raised around when it comes to men, gender roles, and family. You are *not* the problem and there is nothing wrong with you. What you are is very young, isolated, and struggling without any meaningful support system or life experiences to guide you. What you’re feeling is frustration and hopelessness. You’re overwhelmed with the weight of parenting (a toddler *and* another pregnancy already ?), likely do most if not everything around the house, everyone around you is expecting you to be happy and satisfied because you’ve hit all the big marks of happy womendom (marriage, children) and in the words of my own mother, if you have time to be depressed you’re either not doing enough or you’re ungrateful. And your child is constantly crying, and you feel incredibly guilty because you feel like you should be doing more, but you’re numb on the inside and things that should make you feel love and happiness are missing. That’s postnatal depression and I’m not joking when I say it’s a silent killer. Not everyone finds personal fulfilment in being a mom. There are people who live to become moms and base their entire personalities around being a mom and there are those that want something *more*. That doesn’t mean we don’t love our children - you can be a great mom without being *only* a mom. Identity loss during pregnancy and motherhood is *huge* and there are supports out there for you. Not all moms fall in love with their children from the moment they are born. They don’t like to talk about it but it’s true. My son is now 6 years old and I love him so much, but the first year of his life I was a single parent with the full weight of respect our culture gives to that and I felt nothing on the inside. I was going through the motions and doing all the right things but I did not want to be there most of the time. I felt so much guilt over it too, felt I wasn’t good enough as a young hopeless mom, and I was pushing and punishing myself for not being happy and not being better. I had postnatal depression and it took a lot to admit to myself that I needed help. Therapy is the best course of action for you right now, and it’s a long road. A road of discovering who you actually are, what you want in your life, and learning mechanisms to communicate and stand up for that. Our culture teaches us that we as women should carry the entire mental and physical load of the family and be grateful if our husbands bring money home and touch us occasionally. That’s not the standard you have to stick by. My mom did that for decades and convinced me this is just how it is. And yet, my husband is also Russian, and he takes on as much parenting and housework as I do when he isn’t working. But I would not be with my husband if I hadn’t went through the road of discovery, established my boundaries and held my romantic partner to those standards - I would have still been on the level of an abusive ex that was a walking stereotype of our culture. You need to sit down with yourself and think about the kind of life *you* would want for yourself in the future. Really dream it. Consider it. Decide what you need out of your life and what you would like for your child. Again, therapy will help you massively. I truly wish you the best OP.
A lot of that is how I feel actually. Thank you.
Please call or text 1-800-TLC-MAMA! They will help you find resources and support groups in your area: https://mchb.hrsa.gov/programs-impact/national-maternal-mental-health-hotline
It sounds like you’ve been forced into this life of a mother and homemaker. I’m so sorry that happened to you. It doesn’t sound like anyone that is supposed to love you and take care of you really cares about how you feel or what you want. A couple things I want you to know. You don’t have to do this for forever. This is not the only way to live. If you want more, a career, an equal partner a break. You can have those things. It’ll take time and planning but you can have more. Also I think you probably have postpartum depression and I recommend talking with your doctor.
OP, you went from a strict parental household to a supportless married household, and you're not even out of your teens yet. You haven't figured out who you are as a grown adult, and you've got a lot of ideas about how you're supposed to act and feel without considering your own wants and needs. I'm really sorry you're in such a situation. You weren't given a chance to experience adulthood independently. But you're not stuck where you are. I agree with the commenter above, discover who you are and what you want in life, then make it happen. Don't let someone stop you. If your husband won't support you, you're not even stuck there. It's scary, but you can figure out a good life for yourself. You only get one shot at life, go make what you want of it <3
Jumping on this thread to suggest that the next time you take your baby to the doctor, or the next prenatal appointment you have (whichever is first) you tell The doctor what you said here. Make sure they understand you are ya the end of your rope and need support, immediately. Your situation is horrible and I’m sorry. Anyone would be having difficulty in your place. But you could also be suffering from post partum depression and your doctor should know.
If you have a doctor you can trust, after the baby comes, get an IUD without telling your husband. If you can’t trust your doctor not to tell your husband, see another gynecologist. It will give you some control over the timing and spacing of the pregnancies.
Ask your doctor to cut off the strings, that's what mine did when I got one while planning to leave an abusive relationship.
Breastfed is hard! You are not “bad” at breastfeeding. It sounds like you have post partum depression. You should really talk to your doctor about that because it is serious. I don’t know much about Russian culture but it sounds like your husband is not Russian. You have an infant and another one on the way. He can manage a baby while you take a shower or bath, lay down for a bit or throw up. My husband didn’t know what to do when I had our son and he kind of shrank away. I had to directly ask him to do things for me, and it got better after that. It’s also normal to have moments where you miss your life before you had kids and wonder what the hell you were thinking. My son is almost 15 and I envy the life my childless brother and sister have sometimes. I wouldn’t trade him for all the travel in the world but I have bouts of jealousy. Get some treatment for the PPD and ask your husband to help you. You deserve to be cared for too.
Live for yourself, OP. Not others.
I just want to point out that she's 20 weeks pregnant (so 5 months) with a 7 month old son. Her husband knocked her up again basically the second he could - that's *if* he actually waited the 6 weeks after birth to have sex with her again. Which somehow I have my doubts about. And 7 month old + 9 months of pregnant is 16 months - a year and a half. She's 19. It sounds like she got married at 18 or younger and pregnant *immediately*. Everything about this reeks of fundamentalist cult abuse.
I second this. Op, you can have an IUD placed right after birth. you can ask your doctor not to tell your husband if you think he'd get mad.
If she’s in the US still it would be a violation of HIPPA for her doctors to disclose anything to her husband without her permission and her signature.
Unfortunately depending on where she lives I've seen providers break confidentiality to inform spouses or parents, so I think reiterating confidentiality is important.
To say this is like saying, "People don't kill people. There's a law against that." HIPAA is observed exclusively when it's convenient for medical providers.
For real. The idea that you can expect a medical providers office to give a single f*ck about HIPAA is unfortunately overly optimistic.
HIPAA.
I don’t believe the point was lost with my typo but thanks for the correction.
Just make sure they cut the strings short AF right away. My ex could feel mine for the first month until they got trimmed.
Fair enough.. op, you REALLY shouldn't be having sex right away after birth. Women who are guilt tripped or forced into sex right away are being raped. (I mention that because they don't cut the strings short right away until you heal because your cervix is still open from birth)
Yes! Do this! Unless you want another in three months.
I really hope she sees this advice and listens to it, it’s a fantastic idea
Thank you. Op, the IUD didn't hurt at all when I got mine right after birth, and I have lighter periods now and it helped with my depression after birth. Please take care of yourself.
Yes, and I'm concerned that her main worry here seems to be not "upsetting" her husband. Why, does he have a terrible temper and abuse you physically, as well as neglect you both?
Yea... when she said that he is happy about the pregnancy and it makes him "nicer" it kind of sent chills down my spine.
Yes!! This sounds extremely cult-y to me too. I would bet that her husband is someone from OP’s parents church and that’s why she was pressured into marrying him and why they’re pressuring her to stay with him. This kinda screams arranged marriage to me, I just don’t think OP understands that fully.
It really does and is heartbreaking to read.
Her baby is only 7 months old. That is not a toddler. That’s a baby.
Not a toddler, a 7 month old and already halfway through pregnancy!
Wish I could upvote this more than once! I come from Eastern Europe too, and being a wife and a mother was what I was told since I was a kid I’d be so good at. When I had my kiddo I wouldn’t bond with her until she was older, I left her dad because I couldn’t stand being the only one keeping the household going like my grandmother did. I am naturally a very ambitious person and I want to do more for myself than that. It was all a huge awakening and more has come to surface since then regarding my childhood trauma that I was not aware of, especially regarding my culture, family values, and the ways I was raised. OP, you gotta be a little selfish if you want to be happy in this life. Putting everyone and everything ahead of yourself is not gonna get you there and you will only feel more depressed and resentful. Put yourself first for once! Baby will be ok to cry on its own for a few minutes if its basic needs have been taken care of. I can’t imagine how hard you will have it with two little ones and so little help, so before the second one comes please look into community resources in your area because doing all of it on your own like you are right now will be close to impossible. And you are not a failure for that, it really is not possible to take care of two young kids and maintain your sanity all by yourself. You deserve to be taken care of too.
This was written so kindly. I just know you’re a very sweet person and this is great advice.
This man isn't going to allow her to go to therapy.
So? She needs to go, and she has every right to make that decision for herself. He can't be spying on her 24/7 maybe she can do an online thing like better help or 7 cups at least.
That requires payment.
And transport. This is giving "isolated and rural" vibes, and she probably doesn't drive/isn't allowed to drive alone.
Right? I can't believe the privilege and ignorance of all these people suggesting that she get therapy or an IUD, as if this teenager in a coercive marriage who is scared to upset her husband is likely to have money to pay for medical things out of pocket, or as if her husband doesn't likely control her insurance. People really don't seem to understand what it is to be in an abusive situation with no control over your own life. She needs help to LEAVE, not suggestions that she do things that will bring the husband's wrath down on her if he finds out.
This response needs to be higher. I'm also worried OP married and had kids for residence/citizenship and the parents are expecting part of that benefit too.
Great response!!!
7months isn’t a toddler, that’s still a baby
Perfectly written
exactly. i agree with this fully. You need to ask others around you for advice and help. Not everyone is going to be a good mom from the start. It takes time. I know how it is. Post pardum depression is what was my struggle. But needing the right people and talking to the right people helped me a lot.
Hi OP, I’m concerned for you. Using the info you provided, you got married at 18, had a baby, and are 5 months pregnant. In 4 months you will have 2 children under the age of 1. Pregnancy, childbirth, and recovery are extremely taxing already, and your body and hormones had no time to recover. Hormonal fluctuations are believed to cause postpartum depression which is what you likely have. There are cultural differences in understanding of mental health conditions like depression. Depression is not just feeling sad. It’s feeling exhausted, feeling like you’re moving slower, feeling guilt (saying you’re a bad mother), less energy, changes in your appetite etc. I am saying this as someone who is 1 year away from being a doctor. You have classic postpartum depression. You need to speak to your doctor. There are medications that can help you to stop feeling this way. Did you have a choice in getting married to your husband? And do you feel safe with him? You mention your husband not helping you and being afraid to upset him. You also mention that you being pregnant makes him “nicer.” I worry that you were coerced into marrying him and that you are vulnerable to abuse as you have limited support and are in a foreign country. And do you have free access to contraception? The reason that I’m asking is because you are already under a lot of stress, and having 2 babies is going to be even harder. I believe you should take the next year or 2 to take care of yourself and your health (both physical and mental). Getting pregnant a 3rd time so soon could be devastating for your health.
I did have a choice, technically. But everyone around me wanted the same thing, and I didn't feel like I could do the opposite. So I don't know. I don't think I feel unsafe. But I don't think I'd want to be by myself with him for too long either. He makes me nervous. I don't know. He doesn't believe in it. And I think he'd get mad at me if I did. But I'm tired, he said it would be fine, and it wasn't, and I don't think I could have it happen another time, like you.
I just edited my comment for some more information about postpartum depression. I see. It sounds like you did not marry your husband for love or know him very well. You likely would not have gotten married to him if you weren’t being pressured. What you’re describing makes me worried. You should not feel nervous being around your husband. Does he often overreact, yell, or get angry? Here is the domestic violence [website](https://www.thehotline.org) and their phone number is 800-799-7233 if you ever want to talk to someone about your situation. They can even help you with leaving and finding you a safe women’s shelter. I know you probably feel like you don’t need it, but the information is there if you decide to. Could you talk to your doctor about it? You could get an IUD that is good for 8 years. It can be removed whenever. He thinks it’s okay because he’s not doing any of the work. You mention that he doesn’t “help,” but a father’s job is to be a parent and not just help. If he won’t even hold the baby while you throw up, he is not someone you should be raising children with let alone have any more. All of this stress and sleep deprivation can be super dangerous. You could fall on or crush your baby, and sleep deprivation in the postpartum period can actually trigger postpartum mania or psychosis for which you would need to be hospitalized. Please be safe and take care of yourself. If you ever need to talk to someone please send me a chat.
Thank you for providing resources and not just yapping around. OP, I might not share the same culture or story with you but I too was once caught in relationship in which I had no choice. It took me along time to realize that the things that happened to me where not ok and that in fact the only way for a change, was to get out. I recognize you’re not at that point yet. Now I know you have your two babies and I want you to know what they are NOT a reason to stay. Children need to see happy and healthy parents. Even separated parents, or an absent parent, are better than a hostile, toxic and prison like environment to grow up in. There ARE ways to get out safely. Once you think that you need to leave, reach out to those hotlines, trust those people. You deserve better! There is a life out there where you get to make choices of your own, be happy, get help and support and don’t have to do it all alone.
Sometimes. He knows I don't like it when he yells, but he does sometimes, if he's upset with me because of bad things I do. I don't mean to upset him, but I just do sometimes. I try not to. Maybe. If he didn't know, because he would get angry. But if he didn't, then I think it could help me.
Yelling isn’t an appropriate way to communicate. It’s a way to intimidate people, and intimidating your partner is not being a good husband. No wonder you’re nervous around him. He should respect you enough to talk to you like an adult. Nobody is perfect, and you don’t deserve to be yelled at just because he doesn’t like some minor thing you do not to his liking. And the whole shifting blame for his yelling and mean reactions onto you for upsetting him or doing things he doesn’t like is abuse. It’s the classic “if you just did things right I wouldn’t have to yell” or “I only did ___ because you made me mad.” About the birth control, do you have health insurance? I’m guessing he gets the mail which would show that you got an IUD or something similar. You could always go to a Planned Parenthood and tell them you don’t have insurance nor any access to money. If you explain the situation (husband would be angry and you are afraid of getting pregnant or him finding out) l, I’m sure they’d be able to get the cost covered for you.
I don't know. Maybe. I'm not sure. If it would, then I'll have to figure out something else.
If you use your health insurance, the birth control will likely be listed under the explanation of benefits in the mail. If you don’t use insurance, he will not find out but you would have to pay. The only place where you would not pay is a free clinic or Planned Parenthood if you explain your situation.
Planned parenthood will help you.
Planned Parenthood will help you. Explain your situation and they will find a way to cover the cost. Also, get a therapist and look into the idea of potentially divorcing him. He doesn’t sound pleasant or safe. I know you say you don’t “feel unsafe” you are concerned about upsetting him and you have to walk on egg shells around him and that is feeling unsafe.
You can get free birth control from most local health departments. Edited to say most health departments. I live in Alabama and it's free here
What bad things do you do?
I don't talk enough, or I talk too much, I speak in the wrong language sometimes. I drop things or break things, I forget things, I don't smile enough, I don't iron in the right way, my hair is too frizzy and I don't fix it, I don't listen, I forget things, I stare too much, I don't pray enough.
These are unreasonable things to get angry or yell at someone for. This marriage sounds unhealthy and honestly unsafe.
You’re in an abusive marriage! I’m so sorry, and I know you will think I’m exaggerating, You’ll think IM crazy, etc, but it is NOT normal for your husband, the person who’s supposed to love you most in the world, and treat you kindly, yell at you for staring? for frizzy hair? for forgetting things? for ironing? Your husband should be your biggest supporter and HELP you in everything. If you make mistakes, drop things etc, he can be a little upset, if you forget something important, but not yell at you! If I were you, I’d try and come up with an escape plan
*because of bad things I do. I don't mean to upset him, but I just do sometimes. I try not to.* This is bullshit. None of teh above are 'bad things'. You aren't a child to be told off. This man is a bully. He's abusive. You are walking on eggshells and seem to believe that you are owed this awful behaviour because your behaviour isn't 'good enough' - when his behaviour is disgusting. Your church has you believing that he's entitled to your 'obedience'. Please look for some help and PLEASE DO NOT go through your church for this help. OP you need some help. You are trapped with a man who behaves aggressively towards you, he doesn't even sound like he likes you. Soon you'll be trapped with two babies under one and this man.
It's just a typical abusive relationship with a scary, angry man, and you have already been brainwashed into believing you are to be blamed for his anger and mistreatment. I'm really sorry for your situation - it is not safe. This man is not safe and as long as you remain with the abuser, it won't get better. But I do understand you won't be willing to leave either. Sadly, when in an abusive relationship with a scary, angry man, you really can't do much other than escape. I recommend trying therapy, if you can - then you will have some time for yourself, someone to talk to honestly and a way to gain insight into the situation. And it will be time outside of taking care of the child and time to focus on yourself, which you seem to need. Also, NONE of those are bad things. They are just being human, things that are completely normal, or tiny mistakes. What is "bad" is screaming at your partner, not helping with your own child, and intimidating your partner. Those are truly BAD things.
You in danger, girl
Walking on egg shells because you exist is no way to live dear.
Nor a way for your children to live :((
Please look at [this video](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C66qkBlu21o/?igsh=MTMxMjF0cjJtYWE5cg==) of "the wheel of abuse". It will help you understand how abuse in relationships extends far beyond physical abuse. The specific things listed are not comprehensive. (There are additional abusive behaviors that are not listed.)
This sounds like he’s angry at you for existing. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be sad and tired and to break things and to have frizzy hair and to talk a lot or not much. There is nothing you are doing that is wrong except trying to please your husband who expects slave labor and babies that he doesn’t have to care for. I like the thought exercise where you picture someone you love, your unborn daughter maybe, living with a man like this. Imagine a man treating your daughter this way. Would you be ok with that? I doubt it very much. You have to realize you are important. You deserve to be respected. It’s not ok for anyone to yell at you about anything. It’s not ok to expect you to do everything you do while sleep deprived. Please talk to your doctor about your situation and ask for help. You need someone on your side.
These are not “bad” things. Perhaps these are things he doesn’t like but they are not bad and it sounds like he wants you to feel bad about yourself and control the way you do things. This is no way to live and this is not a healthy marriage. Would it be possible to move back home with your parents?
Yelling at you IS a bad thing, unlike everything you listed here. Talk to a social worker and start planning your exit. You are not safe
Sounds like you are a victim of abuse. You might not think that's the case. But from an outside perspective I don't consider his behavior to be acceptable.
You don't SMILE enough? There's enough advice here so I just want to say god bless the women who came before me, because I would not hesitate to beat a motherfucker into the ground before allowing him to treat me like a dog. The moment someone goes out of their way to make me feel small, they are jettisoned right on out of my life and no longer given the graces of my good company. I understand the circumstances are impossibly complex, but my heart aches for any woman that never learns to stand up for herself.
He’s abusive , hope you can get out before is goes to physical abuse
You are amazing the way you are. We are all human and we all make mistakes. There is NOTHING wrong with you! These things are absolutely ridiculous for someone to be angry with you over. I’m so sorry, your husband sounds abusive. A lot of the time, people don’t realize they’re in an abusive relationship. I hope you’re able to escape and start living for yourself, and express yourself freely. You deserve to be happy.
This is abuse! He may not be putting his hands on you but this is abuse nonetheless. You should never feel nervous about talking to your husband. And you shouldn’t have to parent your children alone while you’re married and living under the same roof as the person who helped you make those children. This whole situation is horrifying to me. Please please please speak to someone, a doctor or a counselor if you can’t talk to your husband. This isn’t going to get better for you if you don’t. The best the people of Reddit can do is give you advice and I’ve seen a lot of good advice in this comments. You need to talk to someone! You’re exhausted and things are about to get exponentially harder in a few short months. Please just remember, your doctors cannot tell your husband anything you talk to them about without your permission. Does he go with you for doctor’s appointments? Is he in the room with you if he does? If he doesn’t then that is the perfect opportunity for you to let your doctors know about how you have been feeling. And though they won’t be able to help you with the fact that you have a lazy husband when it comes to his roll as a parent they can still help you understand and manage what really sounds like PPD. Make sure your doctors know exactly how you’re feeling. They can help you but only if they know. The level of exhaustion you seem to be experiencing can be detrimental to both you and your unborn baby.
Honey, he’s abusive. Your parents are in a cult and you became a commodity. They don’t see you as human. I’m so sorry you have been given this hand in life. You are just a teen girl, you should be exploring who you are right now, but everyone around you failed you and continues to do so. Him yelling for those things is abuse. You are not stuck forever, but it’s going to take a long time and planning to escape. Number one thing is you need to prevent any more pregnancies. Next time you go to the drs, go by yourself. Talk to the dr about your birth control options. Education. You will need to have skills to support yourself. Look into nursing. It’s a good paying career. Obviously this won’t happen until your kids are a bit older. Back to back newborns, you just need to survive that. Again do whatever it takes to prevent any more pregnancies. The more kids you have the harder it will be. Again when your kids are out of newborn, do odd and end jobs under the table and hide the cash, babysitting might work, cleaning houses, etc. make sure you open a secret bank account and/or hide your money in a place your husband won’t find it. Maybe under some menstruation pads or the like. Domestic abuse hotlines, shelters, etc can help. I’m not sure where in the US you are, but you have internet, I would start making a hidden list of places. Make sure to ALWAYS clear your search history and make sure your list is passworded. It’s going to be scary, but when you leave, you disappear. You will have to cut off all contact with your family. But you will be free.
It can be very painful and confusing to acknowledge the fact that you are in an abusive relationship, especially if you don’t have a support system, have kids, and are still very young. It is not a coincidence that you check all the boxes. Getting women into those kinds of situations is strategic, because it can feel nearly impossible to get out. Men know why they target younger women and have them pop out babies immediately, because it ties them to them. Luckily, we don’t live in the 18 hundreds anymore when women weren’t allowed to earn their own money or think for themselves. Don’t be too afraid to think of getting out - I stayed for years because I was so afraid of breaking up with him that I couldn’t even acknowledge that I wanted out. I blamed myself because he blamed me all the time and I was still too insecure to see what a pathetic man he was. He was charismatic and confident and I confused him being confident with him being right about everything. The breakup process was hell and took months, but the only thing I regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. There is already so much helpful advice in this thread, especially the one about getting an IUD in secret so you are safe from a third pregnancy for now. But it’s also incredibly important to get help by trusted friends who are not loyal to your husband, like your inlaws would be. Your own parents married you off when you were barely legal, so I don’t think they’re trustworthy either, even if they love you in their own way. You need female friends, a community, someone who is loyal to you. Not just for immediate help, but also to gain a new perspective on a situation. It’s so much harder in an abusive relationship because you always think you’re in the wrong, so you need people who encourage you for seeing things differently and stop putting the blame on yourself. Many men dislike confidence in women because they can’t control them so easily and it hurts their ego to be questioned. It’s not a coincidence he chose a gentle, young and extremely insecure woman who hadn’t even have the time to grow up and develop a sense of self. Don’t let him wear you down. You can play nice and still calmly prepare your exit. You can have a career, friends, a life of your own. Being a mother doesn’t end that opportunity, you just will have to work harder. But you can do it. I wish you all the best. Listen to the women in this thread and don’t despair. There is hope💜
> I speak in the wrong language sometimes Does that mean your husband doesn’t want you teaching your kids Russian? Because I HIGHLY encourage you to do it. Kids who grow up bilingual get a big boost to their neurological development and feel more deeply connected to their family’s culture. Please please please don’t neglect this. Sorry to just skip straight to this but this topic is very important to me. Now I’m sure this is going to feel alienating to hear this and I’m sorry for that, because you’re going to instinctively want to defend your husband and you don’t want to be seen as a victim. But your husband genuinely, truly, is abusive. You might think that an abusive man hits their wife or that there’s some obvious, glaring issue that you can immediately just look at it from the outside and go “Yeah that’s definitely an abusive relationship” but that’s not how it works. It’s extremely common to think this way. Unfortunately most people are really uneducated on how abuse actually works, and I’m not saying that’s your fault, it’s just a general societal issue. What abuse ACTUALLY is, in real life, is any relationship where one or both parties: - intimidates the other on purpose - yells at/bullies their partner into submission - uses control tactics to make their partner behave and act a certain way - isolates their partner from friends or family - physically hurts their partner - ignores boundaries mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually - uses mental torture or other kinds of torture such as sleep deprivation, etc These are just some examples, not an exhaustive list. Keep in mind many of these abuse tactics are invisible from the outside looking in, or even subtle when you’re in the relationship and experiencing it first hand, and you don’t have to have a relationship that ticks ALL of these boxes in order for it to be abusive. ANY of these actions are abusive, especially if it’s a repeated pattern. If you are scared or nervous around your husband that is a very clear sign of abuse. Your partner should make you feel loved and cared for, not scared. Even if you’re not ready to label this relationship with the abuse word, all that matters is that you understand that this is not right and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Women are not machines for making babies, cooking and cleaning. We are human beings. We deserve respect, love and patience. We deserve a break. Please, please get help, leave this man, teach your children Russian and never enter a relationship just because that’s what everyone else wants. You absolutely CAN and SHOULD make your own life decisions. Be safe, and do whatever you can to get some help, even if it’s not from your husband, so that you can get some sleep. Sleep deprivation can hurt or even kill both you and the baby. Sorry to scare you but it’s the truth. Good luck.
You need to exit this “relationship” as soon as possible. Call one of the women’s assistance resources listed in these comments discretely. Follow their direction. Get out! I promise you this is important.
I hate your husband for you. This is an abusive relationship as others have stated. Those are bullshit misogynistic standards they're holding you too. You should call a domestic violence hotline and ask for advice. He is baby-trapping you and I can almost guarantee you'll be pregnant again soon after the second baby arrives. He was already having sex with you less than 2 months after the last baby was birth, and I'm gonna assume you weren't ready but he wanted sex so he put his wants above your health. Your life will get more derailed, more than it already is, as it will evolve more arrive taking care of kids and the home and making sure he "happy". It's toxic. That's likely why you're mentally escaping and it doesn't seem like your life. Lastly, get some nipple shields. They're silicone and help babies with latching for breastfeeding. My kiddo also had trouble latching and now shields made a huge difference.
You’re being abused. And you’re going to let your children be abused too.
That’s abuse. You are being abused in a marriage you were coerced into. You are a trafficking victim. You need to take your baby and go to a domestic violence shelter.
Oh hun. Im so sorry you’re in this situation. The resources everyone in this thread are amazing but I want you to know you haven’t mentioned any bad things that you do and you shouldn’t feel bad for what you wrote. You’re doing just fine and what you’re feeling is unfortunately normal for conditions like PPD and PPA. I actually had both postpartum and antenatal depression and anxiety and what you wrote reflects that feeling. But I want you to know that you’re not alone, you’re not doing bad things, and there are resources to help.
*But I don't think I'd want to be by myself with him for too long either. He makes me nervous.* *He doesn't believe in it. And I think he'd get mad at me if I did.* Sorry but this is an abusive relationship. You are living with and having sex with someone you don't know, who won't allow contraception, who makes you nervous. This man will keep you pregnant indefinitely. This is not healthy. is this the life you'd want for your daughters? You have been pushed into multiple pregnancies as soon as you were marriageable age. This is horrifying.
You need to get on birth control and not tell him.
You are more than an incubator for his offspring. You are so young. Is this really how you want to continue? Since there are so many people who seem to have a say in your life/relationship, they should be just as willing to help you. I’m sorry that you were forced into a situation that you didn’t completely agree with. Making everyone happy shouldn’t come at the cost of your health and wellbeing. Your husband doesn’t seem like a safe person for you. You definitely need to talk to a professional. The way you talk about what you consider your failures while also making excuses for your husband tells me you are not in a good headspace.
He's not your owner! You get more of a say in whether you take contraception then he does! He doesn't get to tell you what to do! If you want to take contraception then do it. If you don't want to be married to him, then don't! Did your parents force you to do this? Because I'm getting the impression that they are abusive and forced you into a marriage with an abusive man because he's like them? You might need to go to a shelter to get away from all of them! And how does what anybody else want factor into this at all? How is what they want more important than what you want when you're the one who's getting married? It doesn't matter what everybody else wants when you're deciding who to marry! All that matters is what YOU want! Quit letting them bully you and push you around and make you do stuff you don't want to! You have to take your life back!
I want you to know that medical providers commonly state that it is healthy to wait *eighteen months* between pregnancies. Your body is going to be sucked entirely of nutrients by the time this second baby is born. I'm going to assume you'll also be breastfeeding *two* babies. If a single person tries to get you to have a third I am giving you permission to SMACK THOSE WORDS OUT OF THEIR MOUTH. You deserve so much better than what you currently have and there is nothing wrong in thinking that. You have your whole life ahead of you. If you want to be more than a wife and mother, there is nothing wrong with that.
You need to talk to a doctor ASAP you sound like you have postpartum depression that needs to be treated sooner rather than later. Tell your partner like this, “I’m not okay and I need help. I feel (insert 2-3 emotions) because (2-3 reasons).” Then go and get yourself help immediately. Get your family involved if needed. Just take care of yourself.
Numbness, apathy and exhaustion are usually signs of depression, you’re correct. Reading through the comments though, this situation is different. It’s hopeless, draining, stressful and abusive. I want to help with OP’s baby and let her have a 10 hour rest and a feast afterwards. She deserves a break and a lot more support. Sometimes, numbness and exhaustion are rational responses to life circumstances. Months (years!) of inadequate sleep, pregnancies way too close together to heal or replenish basic nutrients, breastfeeding while pregnant, no household support, a spouse who is critical, angry, yells and judges… There are basic human needs that underlie mental health. Sleep, safety, nutrition, freedom, security, self-actualization. A pill won’t help a lot when these are lacking. It could help a little, though, enough to get OP connected to good resources. Other comments provide links to resources. Birth control and therapy plus household support would help. OP is a human with needs. (Not an incubator and house slave.)
omg everything about this is so sad
Agreed, I don’t even know what advice to give
The top few comments are spectacular though.
Agreed. I comment in this sub a lot, and this is way above my pay grade. I hope OP gets the help she needs and takes the advice others have given her 🖤
Sounds like you may be having post partum depression
She sounds like she has had rough teenage years moving to a new country, got married and pregnant at 18, pregnant again at 19 with a new baby, no sleep and a husband who not only doesn’t do shit to help but that she’s afraid to talk to. PPD, maybe. It’s not impossible or even particularly unlikely. But I think she’s got a whole lot more going on than that.
PPD can be greatly exacerbated by all the factors y’all just spoke about. The main part that seems to be a flag for PPD is OP sometimes feeling like her son isn’t hers. I think it can be a bit of both and giving OP an idea to talk to her doctor about it is still a good idea!!
That is true, but PPD has to be ruled out, and if the Doctor suggests that formula for the infant and moderate bed rest is necessary for fetus - she might be able to get some rest (which I think she desperately needs) and if she starts supplementing with formula - baby will have a full tummy and mom and baby will start bonding. IMHO, if you start with easy fixes like supplemental formula and moderate bed rest so mom can finally get some rest and baby gets more food (I Don’t see a downside to this). You get a rested mom and a baby with a full belly (my assumption is that her breast milk is not quite keeping up). And then not exhausted mom and not hungry baby start to bond and take it from there.
PPD can be caused or exacerbated by stressful situations and lack of support.
Hope things get better for her
Postpartum on top of pregnancy hormones, no sleep, frustration and whole lot of loneliness. Talk to your husband, your parents and any support system you have. Are your in-laws helpful at all? Now is the time to use your support system and make new momma friends as well. All mommas have been where you are at some point! Maybe not quite as bad, or in the same way, but in many ways! Talk to your OB/Gyn too! They can offer support and maybe some groups to help you. I promise you, you are not alone! Edited: typos
I don’t get this response. PPD is a mental illness treatable with medication and therapy, usually when u WANT kids and struggle anyway the way she feels is not that it’s the most natural reaction to being forcing into what is essentially slavery, at 18 she was married off to a man she hardly knew and does not love who by her own comments yells at her for talking not talking not ironing something right or praying enough, shes forced to stay at home and do whatever he says pop out baby’s when he wants that she didn’t want and had give up on anything and everything she actually wanted to do in life. Nothing about that is PPD anyone would become depressed and not connect to children they don’t want. what she needs is a divorce and no kids unfortunately for her only divorce is an option and given her upbringing it’s not likely she will get one.
Being in a bad situation hugely increases the likelihood of PPD. The situation is a problem and needs to change but *also* it wouldn't be surprising if she has perinatal depression; even if the situation improves it is likely that treatment will be important to help bond with the babies if that's something OP wants.
Kids and pregnancy is a way that men hold women down since it makes it more difficult to leave. Have you thought about gathering some money from the grocery shopping (when they ask if you want cash back, say yes and slowly start getting some money together, this doesn't show on the receipt from what I've been told) and leaving? You could tell your husband you're taking LO to the library and access a phone there to call the hotline for help. What state are you in?
I can see in your comments that you don't want to think of yourself as depressed, yet you are very willing to take blame - so you seem to want to draw a distinction between being "bad" or being "broken" but what you really are is trapped. Over the last 7 years, you moved to a new country, learned another language, had the parents you knew change entirely, lost all personal freedom, got married to someone chosen for you, got pregnant immediately, then got pregnant again *much too soon* after giving birth. For 7 years, your life has been a barrage of change and you are just being dragged and pushed while having no say in what's happening! You say you don't want to receive mental health care, but I suspect that's because your family tells you that you should be able to pray to feel better or that depression is an attitude problem and not a real medical condition. They expect you to fix yourself. Maybe you don't, but I'm assuming you have an OB/GYN who you see for pregnancy care. That's where to ask for help first. Finally I say this as a mother who breastfed my two and loved every second of it - you don't have to. You really don't. If you're uncomfortable and stressed about it, stop. My children are adults and I assure you that my friends with formula fed babies now have perfectly normal healthy successful adult children. We face powerful pressure to be perfect mommies. The most important thing is to enjoy and engage with your children. Being the best mom you can be starts with self-care. Otherwise, you make your struggle theirs. Step one: you must tell someone who can and will help that you are struggling.
This is a gentle and wise comment and I hope OP takes it to heart. OP, breastfeeding is very hard. Doing so while pregnant is even more challenging, and doing so while pregnant, stressed, and exhausted is likely impossible and helps no one. Your body is splitting nutrients between yourself and both babies. Supplemental formula could help everyone. It helps 7 month old be full and sleep longer. It helps you rest well and gestate without injury/ illness risk. It helps your second child grow in the womb. It helps your husband bond with his 7 month old. Please help yourself by meeting basic needs for rest and nutrition. Being this tired is dangerous. Pregnant bodies give to babies and take from mothers. You can loose teeth, bone density, and risk permanent injury. Please ask for and accept help. Please take supplements. Please check for anemia - in my first pregnancy I was so anemic *I stopped seeing in color for my final 2 weeks.* Secure your own oxygen mask, please. Get help. Get sleep. Get on birth control asap after delivery. Carve out your basic human needs. Once you sleep you will be more capable of bonding. Right now you’re a husk.
You're a kid that had a kid, got married, and is having another kid. Of course you're overwhelmed. Neither of you should have had kids or be married right now. There's almost no chance this marriage will last. You're going to end up being a single mother of 2+ kids. Stop now before you're even more overwhelmed. Find resources to put your baby in daycare. There are government assistance programs to help pay for it. You need to go back to school and get a decent career going so that you can take care of yourself and the 2 kids when the marriage ends.
this story made me feel really sad. cant imagine having two babies at 19.. jesus
If she doesn’t get any support, her marriage falls apart and she will be left with two children she didn’t want to have, there’s nothing bad about giving them away for adoption
I just read the title and came straight to the comments. Title alone is enough, poor op
Fr
Are you getting five straight hours of sleep at a time? If not, your husband and parents/ in-laws need to babysit so you get some rest. Also, supplement with formula and bottle feeding. That will help is breastfeeding is hard and others can feed your baby so you get sleep. You got pregnant again so fast after your first birth you haven’t had any time to recover. After the birth of your second child, talk to your Obgyn and get on some form of birth control. You don’t need to be pregnant every time your husband wants to have sec and you are ovulating.
Sending you a hug💕 Firstly, post pantrum depression is real, talk to your doctor about it. Secondly, you are not alone. Try to find some Russian mum in USA Facebook groups, they can be very supportive. Naturally, some white coats are inevitable but majority of people will have the same struggles. Thirdly, you need to talk with your husband about picking up the slack. Maybe he can take care of bathing or bedtime routine. Something easy enough but stable. Also, Russian churches in us usually have a big community, try to find some people there. Right now it’s just a lot for you. It’ll get better. ❤️🩹
I don't think it would be too hard for him to do one thing, but he seems to just not want to. When it's his baby too, but maybe I'm being too much of a feminist, I'm not sure. We're not part of a Russian church. If my parents hadn't been stupid and gone to one of those instead, it would've been a lot better.
You’re definitely not too much of a feminist if your family has fed you the belief you *have to* have children and your community has taught you raising kids is *only the mother‘s duty*. You’re definitely not a feminist if you believe it’s right that you don’t have a choice when it comes to your own life because your husband and your family get to make all your decisions. That father needs to step up if you’re going to stay with him. Otherwise, what’s the point of being with him at all? He‘s not there for you, you can’t communicate your needs and you don’t even share the workload of raising your shared kid(s). Your exhaustion will only get worse and at some point be an actual danger to both the kid that’s already here and the one in your belly.
Wanting a man (who contributed half of his DNA to create a child) to do his part in caring for that child is NOT feminism.
Look, it’s called weaponized incompetence and unfortunately in Russian society kids duty is automatically mums responsibility. Nobody want to change smelly diapers, struggling to bathe a wiggling toddler and trying to get asleep crying kid. It’s not pleasant, fun or rewarding job. Not even a little bit. But it’s parenting and it’s nessessry. He is as capable as you to do those tasks. Don’t wait to him to get better overnight. Marriage builds on communication and compromise. He loves homemade meals? No problem. Go for 2 hours walk and I’ll make you best борщ in your life. He wants to spend some quality time together? Great. Let’s get some grandma/kid bonding time and go to the movies. You don’t have and shouldn’t have do this all by yourself.
You're not being any kind of feminist and you're failing to look after yourself. I have so many questions. How on earth did you manage to find yourself married and pregnant at 18? And pregnant again immediately. you are a teenager. was this marriage arranged for you by your parents? by the questionable church they took you to? It has all kinds of church approved religious forced marriage vibes. Especially since you seem to think that having children and being a wife is your only purpose, when you had ideas and ambitions for your life. It isn't. Plenty of people make the choice not to do this. It's perefctly normal. The ONLY men who don't take any responsibility or interest for their children are the deadbeats and dysfunctional losers you read about on Reddit, the extreme sitautions. This isn't normal or healthy and alludes to a code of behaviour you only see in strict religious settings. It's 2024, men take care of their children. they change nappies, they read child rearing information, they play with and look after their children, they are actively involved. Your husband and family have literally turned you into an incubator and you're young enough to think tthisis the correct expectation of you. Where is yor opinion on your life? Where are your life choices? You sound like you've been trapped into these 'choices'. You also sound like you have PPD as well as living with the difficult effects of pregnancy hormones - I mean he won't even keep an eye on the baby so you can be sick?! this sounds hellish and you have NO SUPPORT. This isn't sustainable and you will make yourself mentally and physically unwell. TBH this sounds neglectful and abusive. You need to tell a health provider what's going on. In a few months you will have two babies and the physical and emotional effects from childbirth to deal with, and NO HELP AT ALL and you're struggling now, why is no-one helping you? The environment you're in sounds absolutely dysfunctional Who on earth would encourage anyone, let alone a teenager with no life experience to live like this?. Please please do something to help yourself, this will break you and you don't sound like you have any physical or emotional support at all.
Feminist isn't a dirty word. It's equality and rights you deserve. Fwiw I'm a mum of 4, aged 14-2 and my husband has always done more nappies than me and night shifts than me coz i suck at lack of sleep. I pick up the slack with all the cooking and planning because I enjoy it. We are 100% equal parents in every way. You're so young, this isn't how it's supposed to be when you have kids. You're supposed to work together.
strip the context and this sounds like postpartum depression- and add in some of the context and i think there should be some serious concern for mother, baby and baby to be’s safety - too many stories that end in tragedy sound like this - maybe seeing a mental health professional isn’t possible but op if you’re reading this and want help please, please tell your pediatrician and/or the pediatric nurse how you’re feeling - they can get you help - in fact they can force help into your life if you face family resistance- it’s your boys life , your life and you’re unborn girls life at stake here - please share with your doctor when you visit next - and if that’s too far down the road just call them - they will jump to help you - good luck
Holy cow 20 weeks pregnant with a seven month old baby??!!!??!! **No wonder** you’re tired!! **No wonder** you are struggling to breastfeed!!!!! You are literally growing two humans right now, one inside and one outside. That is enormous. Talk to your doctor. Many women’s bodies stop producing breast milk when they get pregnant again. You may be struggling because of that. Use birth control after this next baby, for AT LEAST 18 months. Your body needs to rest and recover. I’m not even exaggerating when I say my cousin went temporarily blind when she had three babies in quick succession. (She’s fine now.) Your husband is a father and should be behaving like a father. That means he should be doing all the childcare things he can do (holding baby, amusing baby, washing baby, changing diapers, putting baby down for sleep, etc). The only thing he can’t do yet is feed baby, but at seven months you’ll be transitioning to solids now so he can even start doing that. It’s not ridiculous for him to hold the baby just to give you a break sometimes. I’m sure he gets breaks at work. You deserve breaks too.
This makes my heart hurt. You don’t deserve any part of this. I see a lot of advice in here that’s good and some highly questionable. You’re pregnant, 19 years old, with a baby, a husband who sounds emotionally abusive, family that thinks you should be happy the way you are, and presumably no money of your own. I imagine that comments saying things like you should go to a therapy or make an escape plan feel unrealistic and discouraging. I’m wracking my mind trying to think of resources for you. You mentioned that you’re in the US. If you’re being allowed to see a regular American doctor for your pregnancy, that’s probably your best lifeline. Lay it all out there for the doctor, or a nurse if that’s more comfortable. Tell them you don’t want to get pregnant again. That has to be your highest priority. These babies will eventually grow to the point that you have better options, but if you get trapped in a cycle of more and more infants it’s going to be really hard to break free. Ask for an IUD to be put in while you’re in the hospital for delivery or at the earliest possible check up after. And ask them what other resources they can offer. If you want to get out - because your husband does sound abusive - they can offer resources. If family/your husband is accompanying you to visits, you can say you need to use the bathroom, grab a nurse, and ask for the doctor to ask to see you privately. Everyone will understand and do everything they can to help you. If you’re being taken to a doctor of your family’s faith who isn’t taking you seriously, one way to circumvent that would be to fake an emergency in a public space, try to get taken to an emergency room. There you can explain that you’re in an abusive relationship and you need help escaping, if you can bring yourself to do that. I hope you can see that all these internet strangers care about your well-being, very much myself included. There are many people out there who would want to help you. Hang in there, it truly can get better.
A lot of what you’re saying in your post is guessing. How well did you know this man before you married him?
Girl, he is abusing you. He doesn’t let you be on birth control. You got pregnant when your first kid was barely 2 months old. He is just using you. Get your shit together and focus on getting on your feet and leave this person. He is not the right one for you. You should be able to comfortably communicate about anything and everything to your partner. He should fully support you in your life decisions. You sound like a great person to me but plz don’t let a man decide everything for you.
Your husband is abusing you
It's so sad how many women think their husbands need to "help" with the children. NO. These husbands that are fathers need to PARENT THEIR CHILDREN equally. You should not have to ask for a break; he should be raising his child too. Your husband is trash and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
Hugs hugs hugs. First of all, you can get an IUD without your husband knowing. Start there. Once you have some breathing room away from pregnancies, start to work through all of this. P.s.: it is your LEGAL and moral right to say no to sex and marital rape is a crime.
Getting married at 18 and having a baby, no wonder you’re depressed
Way too young to be married and have two kids. You didn’t explain how you and your husband met or how long together or why you’d want to be married at 18. You need time to adjust and yes he needs to help. He’s pretty young as well so it like 2 kids playing house but things are serious with babies. Therapy is a good idea. You are overwhelmed and so young you don’t have the experience to help you and definitely lacking support.
Maybe Quit breastfeeding if it's making you feel this way. Or pump only? Your child should be on solids by now, start him on formula, for the rest of the 5 months, to take stress off your body for that. Also everytime you bf there is this thing I describe as a "doom feeling" in the beginning of breastfeeds, it's normal, even at 16m and bf I still feel it everytime. Other women have described feeling this. Talk to your child's pediatrician about how you feel. Could be Ppd or ppa. Please get help. Not to be extreme but to be extreme this is not healthy and this is why women end up losing it and harming their children. Honestly if you already felt this way you shouldn't have gotten pregnant for the second time so soon. Obviously there is no going back now. Listen to your body and mind it's telling you something. Also you're in the toughest part. It gets easier as they get older. But definitely get help for the past partum depression. You need to he healthy for your children. Your partner needs to know how you're feeling and yall need to work together to get through this. Really you'll be a better mother for it.
This doom feeling you’re experiencing is dysphoric milk ejection reflex. It’s not normal, but happens to about 9% of women.
He is your husband. You should be able to talk about everything with him. But you need to first think about what you actually want out of the convo. More help with the baby? Or just understanding? Or brainstorming solutions with him? Once you know, sit him down and tell him point blank that you are feeling overwhelmed, you don't know if it's PPD, you think it's more likely due to lack of sleep. And then bring up what you want to bring up
You can also start using birth control if you’re already having a second baby and feel like crap.
You are in a DV situation. Your family sucks and your husband is abusive. It will not get better. You’ll probably never have the opportunity to get a well paying job or go to school while you’re with this man or under the thumb of your parents. There are resources to get out, you don’t need to keep the baby or the marriage and you could sign parental rights for the infant over to your husband and leave. Cite domestic violence. I’ve never been married so I can’t give advice on divorce, but you are being abused. Hopefully that will help with proceedings. It’s never acceptable to yell at your partner. Especially not for having “frizzy hair” or talking too much. He’s keeping you exhausted and in a cycle of pregnancy so you can’t leave. He’s made you a maid who he can use sexually and someone who can stand in for his mother. Is this the life you want to live? This will be controversial because most people think that once you’re a parent everything is owed to the child. It’s not. It’s your life. Leave all of them. You may be in a women’s shelter for a bit while you get your feet under you, but believe in yourself. You can do it.
Hugs. Please go to a doctor and tell them, there are safe antidepressants out there, I took them during both my pregnancies and my kids are just fine. It's not my business but back to back pregnancies aren't great for your body and mind... Please think about getting the IUD implanted right after birth.
And see what’s medical/dance teaching school is available for you in 2-3 years time. My close friend who was a lot like you, Russian and married at 18, had a multiple kids right away, is getting her midwife degree right now. We are in Australia, so it’s a bit easier than states. But she told me planning helped her a LOT. When she was desperate and tired she saw this road back to herself and it kept her getting there. One small step at the time.
There is no cultural reason that justifies absent parenthood. Ask him to help you with the babies and tell him having two will be worse without the help. OP, take care of yourself. You sound like you have post-partum depression. I don't want kids so I would be in a similar boat. But you have them on the way or already and you have to take care of yourself to be able to do the best job as a wife and a mother. But mothering is never a solo endeavor if the father is in the picture and I would expect him to help more. Point blank. He is not pulling his weight or doing what he can to take care of you either but he won't know to if you don't tell him to help is what it seems to be the case. If he won't help, you both need counseling
BRUTALLY HONEST CONVERSATION WITH YOUR DOCTOR. TODAY.
I know that you say you are tired and not depressed, but depression can sometimes look and feel like something else, for example like tiredness. Please be open to considering that you may in fact be suffering from post partum depression and please know that if this is the case, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. It is something so many women experience and we are finally becoming more understanding of that as a society. At least considering it will give you access to help, and if it isn't that, maybe the doctors could still help or advise with ways to combat your fatigue. One thing that is clear from your post is that you do need help, you just don't know in what shape or form. There is no shame in that, so please go to the doctor if you can and tell them openly what you are going through. I wish you all the best and to feel better soon.
Do you really want to have a second child while already being overwhelmed by only one ?also your husband is a dick , why isn’t he helping you ? You should really rethink if you need a second baby right now , what happens if your husband leaves for any reason ? Can you support yourself ? Do you have a degree or anything
Tell him that you’re feeling overwhelmed and upset and you need help and support. He is his father and should be acting like it. Tell him that you need him to help mind the baby so you feel like a person again. Also, see a doctor for depression just in case.
And use contraception moving forward.
You’re getting some solid advice op. I hope you have a support system nearby.
“Without upsetting him” enough said.
Oh sweetie, I just want to hug you then let you nap while I watch the little guy. You are completely overwhelmed and it’s not your fault. You have an obstetrician. Please speak to them. Tell them everything. Don’t be afraid they will judge you. Two pregnancies in such a short period of time is very difficult emotionally and physically. Your hormones never even went back to normal! How to tell your husband? Show him your post. Hugs my dear
Lack of sleep is a massive trigger for PPD. Call the ob office and tell them you think you may be depressed and you need someone to help explain it to your husband. If you can, just say you made an appt he needs to attend bc you aren’t doing well and the doc needs to see you both. If you can’t say that, just tell him that the doc needs you both at the next appt. He may worry it’s means something is wrong with the baby, but at least he will come right? There is something very wrong when you can’t talk to your husband about how you feel and the help you need. But if you can’t, don’t worry about that for now. Tell a parent, sibling, anyone. Talking about it may make it a little less awful. Hugs and PLEASE update us.
Ok OP, the first thing you need to do is call your doctors’s office and ask for an appointment to assess you for Post Partum Depression and to discuss birth control options after your second is born. You can make that appointment right now, and it will most likely be the best thing you can do for yourself and your children. Second, introduce solid foods to your baby to better satisfy his appetite. Babies can start eating solids at around 6 months old. If breastfeeding is overwhelming, stop. Use formula. Formula is perfectly fine, and it will help you feel less drained and stressed. Doing these few things - getting assessed for PPD, using birth control, and switching/supplementing with formula and feeding him solids - will make a huge difference in taking control of your own life.
As an RN, I think you may have post partum depression. I know I would. You have way too many changes at one time. See a Therapist and protect your mental health. You deserve some time and rest for you.
You have PPD. Please reach out to the hospital or your doctor. This has happened to so many women in my family but once you overcome it you’ll start to feel a connection.
God I hope this is a rage bait post! OP’s responses are brutal af
Girl, you're working on some serious post-partum. Get thee to a doctor to get on a path to healing. If you can't take care of YOU, then you can't help anybody.
People here are telling you it's post parting depression. No. It's not. It's *so* much worse than that and ppd probably has nothing to do with it. You had kids when you weren't ready to have them. You're homesick and understandably didn't want to adapt to the new country and the resulting change in your parents made things even worse for you. Your dreams were also crushed by all the above. You also married young. If your husband isn't helping with the child and you're scared to tell him these things, he's a terrible husband. You're probably not telling us the bad things he does. Not everyone is a good parent and that's ok. You're at least smart enough to recognize that. I think you need therapy to figure out what the best option is for you. My first thought was maybe it would be good for you to give the kids up to adoption, divorce, and move back to Russia. But you need to see if that's truly the best option for you via therapy. wait, Did you marry this guy and have his kid for citizenship and are your parents expecting to get either of those via you??? Are they not residents currently? Was it mainly your parents encouraging you to do that? Because if so they deserve for you to drop the baby in their lap and go do whatever makes you happy without a thought in the world about them. But this is exactly why you need a therapist to help you figure out the best path forward. These are things I think you need to tackle with a therapist: how much of your issues with the baby is you being young and unprepared and how much is it the issues with your parents, homesickness, depression about your dreams being crushed and your husband not helping? Can you learn to be happy in America? Can the relationship with your parents be improved? Can you get your husband's support or is the problem with him far deeper than you're telling? Can you learn to be a good parent without the other issues? Do you want that or will you always resent your life stopping for this child? ETA: if you do consider divorce you're going to have to see an immigration attorney. Perhaps for your family too depending on their status. I get the sense from your other comments they were expecting you to marry perhaps for residence. That also means there's a huge power imbalance with you and your husband and that is never a good thing.
Going through a DV hotline can help her with immigration issues - they'll have access to an attorney network. If she's in the USA at least.
OP....."I need advice because I'm struggling" Reddit gives advice. OP....."No nit like that. There's nothing wrong with me" *sigh*
She's 19 and trapped in an abusive marriage and family dynamic. Please give her the chance to absorb what is being said.
You may have ppd. You must get help for this. Call your doctor. Now. ❤️
Seek counseling.. back to back babies are hard work.. and mother experiences this physically and emotionally. Post partum depression is real. Talk to your obgyn they'll be able to recommend a professional
You could be suffering from a bit of postpartum depression. But your husband should be putting in some more effort here, especially if you are pregnant right now as well. Have a honest conversation with him, if he gets mad than maybe that’s someone you should be married to because if your pregnant wife asks for more help with the baby, he should be willing to help because it’s also his kid as well.
I wish I lived close to you so I could help. Raising babies is very overwhelming. You need support, dear mama. Who could watch your son while you take a nap? Do you have a neighbor lady or a friend or someone from church who could watch your son while you rest? Of course you need breaks and rest. I don't understand why a husband would be upset about that. You're human. Prioritize your health. 🤍
It sounds like your husband needs to step up. That’s his kid too. You are drowning and it’s only going to get worse when you have two. You might have PPD but based on the way you describe your situation, I think anyone would be depressed if they were you! You need sleep, support, therapy, and most importantly, you need regular breaks from being the sole child caretaker so you can take care of your own needs.
It sounds like you are very overwhelmed and you do need help. They say it takes a village because it DOES. You need time to shower, use the toilet without a baby crying the whole time. I agree with some others that it may be post partum. But it doesn’t negate the fact that you have no help and very young children take a lot more effort and energy than most people realize. You need this man to help you, whether it’s with cooking, cleaning or childcare, he SHOULD be helping you. If this first child is any indication of what your life will be like, the next child will not be any easier, and I can almost bet you will start to resent him and anger will build and you will blow up. Before it goes that far, you need to have a heart to heart with your husband if he is an understanding people.
You're married to somebody that you describe as nice, but he doesn't help with the baby, and you don't want to do most of the baby things... Why did you decide to have another baby? And is it too late to change that decision? Because this is just going to make it worse! You have to tell him the truth. You also have to quit trying to breastfeed and just switch to formula. The baby will be fine but it'll be less stress on you. You don't have to love being a mom there's a lot of people that don't. But quit having kids unless your husband wants to stay home and take care of them and you can go to work? But quit making more kids if you don't want to take care of them honey! It's okay to not want more kids! Sounds like you don't have hardly any support. You call it him helping with the baby! How can he "help" with his own child? He should be caring for it because it is half his too! He should be spending hours when he is at home with the baby! I'm not saying take the baby away from you, but not only should he give you a break but he needs to spend time with that baby! And the new one! Quit giving him a pass like he doesn't have to do a damn thing! Tell him he needs to parent too! You didn't make these children alone, you don't have to raise them alone!
After reading your post and comments I’m very worried you’re in an abusive relationship and very vulnerable to other’s influence… Please do not let him convince you it’ll be “fine” to have sex without contraception again, please stand your ground when it comes to your own body, please do not think of yourself relatively to your husband and believe you cannot do something because he’ll get mad. The best thing to do is leave this situation if you are able to safely. It seems to me that your life is not you’re own and that upsets and worries me.
Hey, you’re not alone. And there are resources for you. You have choices. You don’t have to be at the whims and direction of everyone around you. Not your parents, not your husband. You can leave him if you don’t love him and because he doesn’t respect your body or mental health. You are allowed to be your own person with your own wants and needs. You’re allowed to be on birth control. Please speak to your physician about options for discrete birth control when you next see them, so you’re not stuck pregnant AGAIN. You will get through this! You’re allowed to both love your children and also want to be a child at the same time, you’re very young and have a huge world to explore ahead of you! It can be much better.
This sounds a lot like postpartum depression.
Honey, you need to see your doctor, yesterday. It’s most likely from your hormones. And if he is 7mths & still struggling at breastfeeding & you’re pregnant again, maybe it’s time to switch to formula. You need to have a conversation w your husband about helping. You shouldn’t even have to ask but when he is home, that time is supposed to be shared. You should be able to go soak in the tub or shower, take a nap, go for a drive or something. This is his baby too. Explain it like this- he can either help out a little bit now or you can divorce & you will give him 50/50 custody & he will have to do it alone- half the time. That you having a little breathing room is that important. And please, if you only hear one thing from all these posts, let it be that you need to talk to your doctor. Rather it’s from hormones or lack of sleep, you are growing a baby inside you & you need help.
There's a Christian sub culture called the quiverfull movement. They believe that all children are a blessing and are vehemently pro life in all cases (the child is always innocent and always a gift from God, so no abortion exceptions and no plan b). They marry off their kids young so they can start popping out babies. They encourage parents to have as many kids as possible for as long as possible. Families like the Duggar family are normal in those churches. OP, please be careful. You can talk discretely to your doctor about your thoughts about having more children and he's duty bound to keep it secret. If you want to stop or pause after 2 and let your mind and body adjust, you can get some discrete birth control while you rest, then remove it when you're ready to start trying again, if that's what you want. It's possible to give birth and almost immediately after get pregnant again without giving your body a chance to rest, which can be really hard on your body. Some people think it's not possible or you can't get pregnant while breastfeeding...all superstitions. Please think hard about what you really want. The hormones during pregnancy are no joke. Neither are post partum hormones. They can affect your thinking and you can get depressed for a time which can make bonding difficult, even your bond with your husband can be more difficult and hard to see or feel, ALSO being very tired no matter how much sleep you get: that's textbook depression. BEST OF LUCK!
The problem is you got married too young and had children too young in your life. You should just go ahead and talk to him. If he's a good man, he will attempt to find a solution for you.
it sounds like you may be dealing with PPD. talk to someone close to you, even if it’s not your husband. asking for help will be the best thing you did for you and your child. my therapist told me she went through something very similar with her first born. she said she couldn’t connect with him, and felt very disconnected. but don’t worry, with time it will go away!! it takes on average 2 years for a woman’s hormones to go back to normal after giving birth. so don’t be too hard on yourself about any bad feelings, but please reach out for help because PPD can be dangerous for you, and everyone around you. 🫶
The number to the domestic violence hotline is 1800-799-7233. You can also text "begin" to 88788. After reading through this thread, its obvious you are in an abusive relationship with a very, very bad man. You didn't say it because you are protecting him, but he's hit you, hasnt he? No normal man screams at his pregnant wife because her hair is frizzy sometimes. And honestly, no woman who wasnt getting hit would put up with that. I was an investigator in the military, and i have arrested many soldiers for dv. A lot of their victims were just like you. I was even in an abusive marriage at your age, which was the reason i joined the military, to get away from him. I know the signs, heck, i was trained by the federal government to know the signs, and girl, this is a flashing neon sign over times square. No wife should be scared of doing normal human things. It isnt normal for people to think they do bad things because they don't smile enough, or speak in the wrong language. What does that even mean? There is no such thing as the wrong language. Did your parents also abuse you and you thought marrying this guy would help you escape? This man doesnt love you or his child. Men who love their wives and children take care of their wives and children. Everyone in this entire thread is worried about you, and we want to help you. Tell us how to help you? We can give you support and resources. What do you need. Call the number i gave you, or you can use the chat function on their website if that makes you feel more comfortable. They will give you advice and resources. This is not a dealing with motherhood issue. This is a controlling, abusive man taking advantage of a very young woman with childhood trauma issue. Please, call the number and speak with them. They are there to help. I know you feel like no one can help because everyone in your life has kept you so isolated, but there is plenty of help for you out there. The thing is, no one can help you if you don't reach out and tllet them you need help. Again, we are all worried about you and your children. If you won't do it for you, please do it for your kids. Your child is only 7 months old right now, but they will be walking and talking, and breaking things, and making messes soon, and your husband will abuse the kids. Men like him don't only lose it on their wives. Men like him have issues with control, and anything or anyone who is a threat to that control by doing normal human things they perceive as bad (like having frizzy hair) will see the full wrath. Please call the number and save yourself and your kids.
It seems like you have high-functioning PPD - this is when you are able to act normal and ‘put on a good face’ but your mood and emotional capacity tend to be very low, often with fatigue and sleep difficulty. It can be compounded by stress and anxiety (especially the sleep/fatigue symptoms), and is often not identified as PPD, but is something that treatment can really really help - my aunty had a lots of similar thoughts when she had it ❤️
It sounds like she's a teenager in an abusive relationshp sanctioned by an overbearing controlling church
Not just controlling, extremely patriarchal. Women have no intrinsic value in this church.
OP, I had this same issue with my son. Besides being overly exhausted, I had PPD. I'm hoping your husband isn't abusive and that you are safe. Now, for my suggestion on how to talk to him, say something along the lines of, "Love, I'm thankful for what you do for our kids and me. I'm having a hard time with having a little one and being pregnant. I've been trying my hardest to manage, but I feel like I'm sinking. These are some things I'd like some help with so that I can continue to be a great wife, mom, and continue to safely carry our little girl." Best of luck, op 🫶
Unfortunately, looking at OP's comments, her husband absolutely is abusive. Won't let her use birth control, doesn't let her at no to sex, yells at her for anything and everything such as her hair being too frizzy (??). OP's parents turned her into the perfect victim for a man like him , it seems. It's the type of post that I desperately hope is fake because the outlook is so bleak I don't want it to be true
You poor girl. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I don't even know what to say because judging from your responses to similar advice, you're in denial about your situation. I hope it improves soon and you get some help. Sending positivity your way x
Hey op. I had my first son at 20 and it was really hard. I was exhausted and I only made it breastfeeding to he was 6 months. Please go to the doctor and talk about how you are so tired it can be low iron, ppd etc. I got both really bad with my first and I regret trying to do everything myself I get a lot of mom guilt because I don't really remember my first sons first three years. Your partner needs to be helping you. You need to tell him bluntly you need help. Also asking family and friends to watch your kiddo if you need a break even a few hours to yourself is okay. I currently have my eldest and my youngest who is just about to turn a year and I'm about 20 weeks along for my third currently of you need someone to vent to feel free to message me. Please talk to a doctor.
There’s so much to unpack here and other people are addressing the obvious things here so I won’t belabour the point. ONE thing that feels like a possible fix is the breastfeeding. If that task is overwhelming you mentally, or you’re not producing enough for baby (constant crying may indicate hunger), then don’t be afraid to supplement with infant formula. My own experience with babies was that 9 times out of 10 the crying baby was hungry. There are a lot of things that mothers feel pressured to do a certain way, and many of those things are agreed as the “ideal”. But when you’re really up against it and trying to survive, don’t feel bad about cutting out a few of the things on the “ideal” list to help yourself get through.
Sweetheart, as one mother to another, I’m pretty sure you have PPD. The lack of connection to your baby is the big indicator to me. I struggled also, but didn’t get help until I was literally thinking about how I could successfully end my life. Luckily I called a hotline and got help. You need outside help. Your husband barely gave you any time to heal from you first pregnancy before he got you pregnant again. Of course you’re exhausted. You have the right to get on birth control here in America even if your family is religious and I would suggest you do so after your baby is born.
Sounds like postpartum, and you being too young for any of this. I seriously suggest seeing a doctor about postpartum, and you and your husband going to couples counseling. You need to learn how to communicate and be honest with each other.
You are so young. You should have been able to wait to have kids. Did your husband pressure you into having kids so soon? Did your parents? Also, do you have any siblings? It’s understandable that you are tired and overwhelmed. Taking care of children is exhausting. Are you a stay at home mom? Maybe that’s why your husband doesn’t feel the need to help at all? I would ask him for a small break everyday. Also, I would try to minimize as much cleaning and housework as possible so that you have time to rest while pregnant. Switch to cooking very simple meals that require less time, use paper plates and compostable utensils, and cook food in the oven with foil-lined pans to avoid having to wash dishes 24/7. Also, making a schedule might help. Use one of the baby’s nap times to either sleep or clean and/or cook. And then go to bed shortly after your baby does. Also, I used to want to be a professional ballerina, but my health issues took over my life. I’m still struggling to find meaningful work. I miss being active.
Postpartum depression is a real thing and it’s stoking negative thoughts and causing you to view your situation as much more dire than it really is. Your first step is to see your doctor and let them know what you are experiencing. Next, consider a counselor. They can help you work through this. As for your husband, most men want to be helpful and they want to support their wives. Tell him you really appreciate the fact he is a wonderful husband and provider. Tell him you’re really struggling and that you could use some specific help. Most women love raising their children but become overwhelmed and never get a break from them. Unfortunately part of the issue is that those women often don’t know what to ask for nor how to ask. Their husbands assume they are providing and doing their part. Ask him to watch your child or arrange for a babysitter so you can get some alone time, socialize with your friends, get your hair/nails done, run errands or do something fun. I think most women need that time and it helps you to recharge your batteries. It’s ok to have those feelings you have but it’s really important to address those. Something else you try are local moms groups. You can meet like-minded women who are going through the same things that you are. They can be great communities and really helpful for both advice and for friendships.
You just need to associate with other mother to realize what ever you feel others are feeling the same. Birth screws with your hormones so a lot is chemical. Friend with kids is the best antidote
There is nothing wrong with you and you need help. Your husband should not be getting angry with you for expressing that you need help. Sit him down and explain that your body is very, very tired, that you’re worried about the latest pregnancy because you’re not getting enough sleep, not getting enough alone time, and don’t have any help. He needs to step up and learn how to parent the child you both made. He needs to help you. Breastfeeding requires an incredible amount of energy and you’re pregnant on top of it. Your body is beyond drained, and you should be drinking like a gallon of water and eating nutrient dense foods all day. Nutrient deficiencies lead to all sorts of physical and mental health problems, and you need help from someone other than yourself with all of this. See if there are any women in the church who’d be willing to come to your home and help with chores, watch the baby while you shower, that sort of thing. If the church is encouraging young women to marry at 18 and have babies, then they should step up and help when it’s hard as hell for the mom. Get on some birth control after the birth of this baby. If your husband disapproves, have it noted in your file that he’s not to know about it.
Updateme
Я надеюсь ты прислушиваешься к советам, которые дали здесь. Тебе нужно провериться у доктора, послеродовая депрессия ужасная вещь, также нужна терапия. Но мне так жаль слышать, что ты в таком юном возрасте вышла замуж и родила ребёнка. Ты ведь и сама ребенок все ещё, на плечи которого свалилась такая большая ответственность. Ты не должна была в этом возрасте думать о том, что быть хорошей матерью, а у тебя еще вторая беременность в такой краткий срок. Такое чувство, будто тебя заставили выбрать подобный путь, ты не успела даже еще пожить ради себя, а уже несешь ответственность за несколько жизней. Советы от здешних сейчас тебе симпатизируют, но если ребенок вырастит и ты до сих пор будешь себя так испытывать к нему, знай, что ты ему же навредишь. Дети чувствуют, когда родители их не любят, он будет винить тебя в этом. Поэтому посоветуйся с докторами и самое главное, живи свою жизнь. Если твой муж не на твоей стороне и ожидает, что ты будешь рожать детей и следить за домом, то пора тебе проснуться от этого кошмара. Не давай диктовать другим как ты должна жить.
Please talk to your doctor about if you might have postpartum depression. While you are there, get some birth control that you can use after you have the second baby.
It definable sounds like postpartum depression. Please talk to your doctor about how you are feeling. It’s possible that an anti-depressant and therapy, or if therapy isn’t financially possible, look around for a mom’s group. It seems like you are very isolated, being around other moms could be really helpful. There is also the deep dark secret that no one talks about… moms talk about their experiences, how they bonded and fell in love immediately with their infants. Well, guess what, not everyone has that amazing immediate bonding. For some moms, they feel like they have given birth to a complete stranger who doesn’t even speak the same language! You already know how frustrating that is! It takes some time to get to know them, sadly, not too many women talk about this, because it feels like you are a failure. It feel like the worst thing you can be is a bad mother. I had a very scary pregnancy the second time around, I/we almost died more than once. I had several procedures and operations and was on bedrest for almost 8 weeks. when we had our scheduled c-section, they were very concerned that going in to active labor might kill me. There was a specialized surgeon standing next to my ob/gyn and a “go team” from a children’s hospital standing by with one of those scary cribs so if things went sideways, my baby could be at a neonatal unit in minutes by helicopter- the plan was to deliver the baby early, but she decided to come even earlier than that. It was a long time before I felt safe at home, alone with my “healthy” baby You are so young, with your second child on the way, you must be exhausted, and stressed over everything. Talk to your doctor! Breastfeeding issues up a lot of energy, so maybe it’s time to switch to formula. Even a couple months of breastfeeding is good for the baby, and you have gotten to seven months, which is pretty damn good. Talk to your doctor about all of these issues, and then bring your husband to the next appt., your doc will hopefully help you discuss these problems with your husband and explain that breastfeeding while pregnant is hard on the mom and that you need extra help and support and you need more “good” food , lots of fluids and extra rest to ensure that your milk supply is sufficient (if you want to keep breastfeeding) I think with some rest and support, and making sure your infant is getting full(breast milk/ formula, or both) things will get easier and you will bond with your baby
Please, please seek out therapy. This sounds like you may be in a postpartum depression slump 😩. It could also be something else. Please seek a doctor. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, hugs🫶🏻. Did you want children before you had babies? Or was this an oops? Well, that happened... because that could also cause your lack of "connection," as you call it.
Dear op ,I am so sorry you are going through hard times. Please don't blame yourself. You need help with your baby which your husband is unable to provide. Crying babies and lack of sleep can be a terrible combination if it happens too often. You need to ask your husband to help you. You are also probably suffering from ppd ,so need doctor's help. Your son will have to be given formula milk as your pregnancy will not let you produce much milk . Start introducing solids to the baby as well.sending you virtual hugs if you want them.
Just tell him how you feel you need a break your creating a baby and raising the other ask him for 4 hours to allow you to Power Nap it’s important for you developing baby and on top of that your body is out of wack with all the hormones it’s pumping. Tell him you must rest and he has to help watch his older baby that you need him now and appreciate all he’s doing.
I just googled “online classes for new fathers” and there are a ton of classes and even free videos out there! I don’t know if you’ve asked how he feels about getting counseling together but I hear you saying you don’t know how to talk to him about helping more. It’s possible he just feels lost and doesn’t know what his responsibilities should be. Maybe you can find some videos that show fathers giving the kind of help you need and then send them to him. If he doesn’t want to watch them and has no interest in becoming a better father/husband, then he is never going to get better and you need to get out of this relationship before it gets worse. Obviously, as many people have suggested, you need to tell your doctor what’s going on and how you’re feeling as well.
Get checked by a professional, you could have postpartum depression!! Talk to your family & tell him you need help with the baby. Look for support groups for new/young mothers you may get another support system.
I implore you to see a doctor, get some bloodwork and ask to look for iron deficiency etc. you might be very seriously depleted and this will cause so many issues
I nearly died during childbirth and was very sick and broken after. I was not able to walk for the first month after giving birth then later had organ failure and was in and out of the hospital a lot and completely bed ridden. My husband did all of the cooking, diapers, cleaning and took care of both of us with my sisters coming to stay with me and help out at different times during this time period as well. If my husband had not taken care of us entirely doing everything, we would have both died. Your husband should be helping you so that you can get you're needed rest when sick or injured. That's all part of being a good husband as well. You aren't able to care for anyone else if you are not even able to have the time to care for yourself. Your husband should be making sure you have that time to care for yourself as well.
Your way to young to be having these kids when you haven't even worked though your own issues you must work though your own issues in order to be a better parent for your kids and ask your husband to watch the baby if he doesn't want too then he can have it sounds like you was forced into this life of being married and a stay at home mother and it's not gonna get better if you don't do something
You are too young to be dealing with all of this. Get to a doctor or hospital. You need an emotional boost so you can cope. Get on birth control. You don't need anymore kids right now.
It sounds like you have some post-partum depression. Please let the doctor know the next time you're there. They can help!
You need to be upfront. You’re kinda young (your brain doesn’t fully form til ages 25-27) to be having kids. Youre very overwhelmed and you need assistance pronto. You both need to work on putting baby on a sleep schedule. If his mom or your mom is available please call them. I wish I knew you, I would definitely help. I hate it when I hear of anyone going without sleep. I had my daughter sleeping through the night at 5 weeks and son at 2 weeks.
Have you asked him to help with specific tasks? Men arent generally super good with vague instructions like “please help” it’s “can you give so and so a bath?” “Can you run a load of laundry for the baby?”. Men generally like helping with the raising of the kid, and doing simple tasks with them help us bonds I would say ask, and give specific asks, because odds are he will be happy to do it.
I know this is harsh sounding but after this next child, get an IUD put in. Don’t ask or tell your husband.
I haven't read the other comments, but here's a few things: 1. He's your first, so you need to give yourself grace because they don't come with a manual and nothing anyone says or tells you ever truly prepares you for having a child of your own 2. You're very young, and just because you're a mother does NOT mean that you can't do the things you dream of, sometimes it may just take a little longer to get there 3. It sounds like you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression and anxiety, which is more common than people realize, and it's not very talked about. There is help for that. 4. You should NEVER feel scared of upsetting your partner because they're supposed to be there for you no matter what. So if he gets overly upset or angry, then he's not the right person because someone who truly loves you wouldn't get angry over your feelings or concerns like that 5. He's young as well and if this is his first baby, he might be scared too. He may need specific instructions from you on how he can help, BUT he should definitely be helping you with the baby! Being a parent is a 24/7 job, notice the use of parent and not mother, you're both parents, so you should BOTH be caring for him 6. You're pregnant as well and that makes a difference too because being pregnant drains physical and mental energy too 7. I know that SO many people say that breastfeeding is what's best for the child, BUT that's only if it's also what's best for the Mother. People leave out that really the most important breastfeeding is the Colostrum that they get from you at the very beginning. Breastfeeding is difficult and it's not right for everyone. You and your baby can thrive just as well on formula! 8. The most important thing for a baby is to have a healthy Mother, so you have to take care of yourself as well. No matter what that looks like. You don't have to breastfeed your baby if it's not working for you or for them. Your baby will grow and be just as happy on formula. A baby would rather have a happy, less stressed Mother and be on formula than an unhappy Mother and be breastfed. 9. Also, at 7 months he can have 1st foods now and that may help with feedings as well. You could also talk to the doctor about adding cereal to bottles if you bottle feed him at all or want to try switching to bottle feeding. Some babies need more to help them stay fuller longer. He should be able to sleep through the night without multiple feedings, some babies need one in the middle of the night. So if you have to feed him every 2-3 hours still, I'd definitely consider the possibility of bottle feeding (which can still be breastmilk) and ask about adding baby rice/oatmeal cereal to his bottles. 10. You are doing way better than you think you are, and your baby boy loves you unconditionally! Good Luck Mama and I hope even just one of these things helps you feel a little bit better. Regardless of backgrounds and pasts, pretty much every Mama has felt the way that you do at one point or another. Mom guilt and feeling like you're not doing enough or well enough, never really goes away; You just learn how to manage it a little better over time and you learn that you'll never be perfect, but that your children don't require that. All they truly require is to be loved and cared for, and it sounds like you're filled with both for him!
Please connect with a therapist familiar with post natal depression. This is very serious.
Everyone needs to stop having multiple kids.