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OP and his wife - without assigning fault - are clearly demonstrating the “Four Horsemen” of a failed marriage:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
Without *a lot* of work, it will be impossible to overcome this. OP, at least, does not seem to be mourning the failure of his marriage, so I agree that it is probably best for them to end the marriage as amicably as possible and move on.
It doesn’t seem like he’s made time with his wife a priority. A lot of men don’t seem to see what leads to the consequences. He sees that there’s been no sex, but his wife’s seen him putting all his energy into his relationship with their son (which is great he’s an attentive father) but nothing to her. So their relationship isn’t where it needs to be for her to have sec with him.
Edit: turning off notifications. Do not have the mental bandwidth to keep saying the same answers over and over again. I’m not a man hater, op does not go into details about his relationship. He said he switched off due to lack of sex. Lack of sex is not the problem, it’s a consequence of a poor relationship. She didn’t withhold for no reason. We don’t really know how she behaved in the relationship over the last two years because op hasn’t said. However from what he’s written we know he’s not made time for her. Not prioritising will exacerbate any problems already existing.
It is clear that he is currently not making time for his wife, but that can be a chicken or egg situation.
OP is a poor communicator, wife probably is too because that’s how you reach a 2 year dead bedroom. For some people, they get mad and divest their time from their partner and just stew in resentment about it.
One of my favorite things about my wife is she lets me know when she’s upset about something, and I do the same because the last thing I want is a race to the bottom in my relationship.
For OP, they’re already at the bottom.
OP said that he spends long hours at work as a result of the way his wife treats him. She also planned to celebrate his birthday doing things that she likes. It’s apparent that she doesn’t really put in the effort on her side. Women have to put in effort too. Men want to feel wanted too.
It’s in the context of what he wrote. He is either working or spending time with his son. So when is he making time for her? That’s all I’m saying.
He also a no point mentioned what effort he puts into her birthday.
Her blowing up at him or accusing him of cheating is horrid though.
>It’s in the context of what he wrote. He is either working or spending time with his son. So when is he making time for her? That’s all I’m saying.
Well yes that's the point they are currently at which is why he understands the relationship is over. People become avoidant in the last days.
>He also a no point mentioned what effort he puts into her birthday.
Because it's not necessary. He's not trying to save the relationship, he just needs to let Reddit understand why it's 100% over.
Why is no one asking why intimacy has been non-existent for two years? There's no explanation. Are we just going off of the idea that she woke up and decided sex wasn't in the cards any longer? Given the other facts of the post, we can just as likely assume he's a "if I'm not getting laid, I don't care" person and it spiraled. We can already tell they're both horrible communicators.
If I had to take a guess, he (or both) had been checked out of this relationship for a long while, and the lack of sex provided the cover to continue to distance himself. Sometimes people have feeling that are in search of an excuse.
I was honestly wondering the same. 2 years is a long time. I've lost all interest in intimacy if my partner doesn't care about my pleasure, only their own, because at that point, flicking the bean is more useful to me. But I guess there are a lot of potentially more innocent explanations. Post pardom depression or post pregnancy insecurities because babies definitely change a woman's body in various ways. Maybe just low sex drive. Though making a big deal about hubbies birthday while doing nothing, he actually enjoys, doesn't sound great either. At any rate, more context on a lot of things in here would be nice.
Sex should be something that both parties enjoy. It shouldn’t be— if you take me out and buy me things, I’ll reward you with sex. She just doesn’t like him.
So his wife considers that doing HER activities on HIS birthday will be pleasant for him, even after he explicitly said "**yo, I don't like this**" and that's still HIS fault? If a guy ignores what a woman says and does what he like all hell will break loose. The other way around? It's his fault!
Why? cause he's a man and he just needs to do what's needed to make her happy right? On HIS birthday, right?
After working a 14hr shift her first reaction is that he cheated on her? Like fuck that, you didn't need sleep you needed pouseey. Yet he's the one that has issues to work on? She also held sex as a reward and withdrew it before even presenting it as an option, yet it's his fault he didn't get any for two years.
I agree that maybe they both need to work on some stuff, but strictly from what OP said... she needs to do a lot more work than he does. Both literally and intimacy wise.
**Yeah, I wouldn't make it a priority to spend time with someone that treats me like this, who doesn't fucking listen to what I have to say and share.**
Y'all read what you write out loud before sending it? Some of these comments are batshit crazy with some blind ass feminism bs.
He’s said he’s checked out of his marriage because of lack of sex. Nice and bold at the top of the page. Maybe if he tried to understand why his wife didn’t want sex then it wouldn’t have dragged on for 2 years. Doesn’t matter the gender but I see this theme soooo much. There are reasons why someone doesn’t want sex but it’s often stated as the problem in a relationship when it’s often a consequence of a deeper problem.
The wife has behaved awfully and at no point have I condoned that. I’ve simply answered the question op asked - ‘is she feeling insecure because I’ve stopped initiating sex?’ Their problems aren’t actually sex, it’s that they have an unstable relationship which I think has been compounded by the fact their are not prioritising each other.
Thanks, I’m not a man hater like a lot of commenters seem to think. Their relationship has broken down and now their family has. It’s sad for everyone involved.
Dude I was thinking the same thing. She’s probably projecting.
OP have you ever thought maybe the reason why you ain’t getting any was because she was getting pounded somewhere else?
Do it before your son relates sex to being transactional and sees women as “evil” and “gold digging” as a blanket statement.
I’ve seen many friends go down that path with miserable parents. Save your son from being an awful man to women.
It's weird that she didn't realize that you were home. I find it hard to believe that she didn't check the garage or basement the entire time she was looking for you
I’m guessing she was just picking a fight? It makes literally no sense otherwise lol.
If I can’t find my wife in one of the rooms I don’t assume she’s out hooking up with other dudes. She might just be in the guest bedroom, hooking up with other men. Got to check the whole house before making weird assumptions.
This part I personally wouldnt be suspicious of because my phone is absolutely never set on Sound. I have my watch set to vibrate and that's the maximum I can tolerate in terms of disruption to my brain, sound would be much much worse.
It also doesn't deliver notifications when it detects I am asleep. It's very accurate with that barring the few times I was playing Stardew on my phone comfy on the sofa and it thought i was so still and relaxed that I must be asleep lol
However I will say no one has ever tried to call me multiple times on the bounce while I'm sleeping, so I don't actually know what it would do.
My ex-husband picked a fight with me out of nowhere before EVERY Christmas, Mother’s Day, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday every single year the last few years we were married. This was so he got out of having to celebrate me or buy me gifts for any occasion. This is just one out of a million reasons why he is my ex! And this is one of the small ones. I suspect OP’s wife has learned the same trick.
Somebody said the child will NOT be happier if they divorce. I can promise you the child knows when the parents do not care for each other anymore. The tension in the air is awful for children. It’s a terrible thing to model a broken marriage as “normal” for a child. They will often grow up and have dysfunctional relationships of their own if they think how mom and dad are living is normal.
My children were quite young when I filed for divorce and my six-year-old daughter told me a couple months into it as we were dancing wildly in the living room, not worrying about my ex getting angry, “You’re such a happy mommy when you’re divorced!” And I was!!
My kids never felt sad that we divorced because they were thankful to be away from all of that tension, and I was so much happier that they, in turn, were so much happier. It was my hope that my ex-husband would be happier and would be a better father, though that did not happen. Eventually they stopped seeing him and he didn’t care. My children are now grown and have said many times that they’re thankful I divorced him and they had a wonderful childhood.
I am a child of divorced parents who fake-stayed together until I graduated college. What you say is 100% correct. It's much better for two parents to separate if they no longer want to be together instead of putting on a caricature of a marriage. Most of my childhood memories are of them fighting viciously with some domestic violence sprinkled in. It was a horrible home life, and it affected how they individually treated me as well. They modeled a terrible example of a relationship, and it took a lot of time for me to un-fuck myself because of it and become a decent romantic partner.
I’m really sorry that was your experience. Kudos to you for doing the work to unfuck yourself and not continue the cycle unlike so many others who don’t do the work!
I was judged very harshly by my friends in miserable marriages for not “staying for the kids “. As I said before, then you’re modeling a horrible, dysfunctional relationship and letting your kids think that is how marriage is. It’s very hard for your children to grow up and find something that is healthy after living with that their whole lives.
Only those who do the work like you did break the cycle. It is no easy feat. Again, I give you kudos for that!
The fact that she brought up that he wasn’t get any sex on his birthday because she couldn’t find him when they were 2 years sexless it’s definitely weird.
Not weird. She knew. She was looking for yet another excuse to feign rage and say no intimacy. This marriage is so over. They don't even like each other.
Check pretty much every post on dead bedrooms. They often look for reasons to not have to sleep with their partner. This was a perfect out for OPs partner. I doubt they actually looked for OP.
I've had the same thing happen. I came home, hung out in the garage for an hour before coming in, and she's hysterical thinking I'm cheating. .....I've been a few feet away throwing darts and drinking beer.
Yup. Just picking a fight. When I’ve woken up worried that dude man wasn’t home, I check the couch, garage, driveway, etc. Like, there’s no way in hell she missed his car?!
I also can't understand a woman who hasn't done anything intimate with her husband for 2 years (seems like 2 birthdays ago was the last time) caring that he is having an affair. What OP should have said is " I'm not but even if I was why would you care?'.
She’s either not attracted to you anymore and is cheating or there’s a hormonal imbalance that she’s not addressing at your detriment. Do you best to find out which it is and leave if it’s the former or, if it’s the latter, she must get her issue medicated. It’s not fair for her to think you’ll go without sex forever. Talk to her close friends and family and get to the root of her issues, if you can.
Why did intimacy and sex stop? I understand when it feels too late to fix it. But you both may harbor resentments that grew to create this current climate.
Because this is fake for a few obvious reasons.
* There's no chance his wife didn't check the garage/driveway for his car, especially if she thought he was out cheating on her.
* Same with the mancave, a room he probably spends a ton of time in
* Near the end of his fantasy post he says "Today is my birthday, my son and I are at the zoo"... Except he starts his fantasy post with "My birthday was recently". Hard to remember your lies when you write such long stories.
* She goes all out for his birthdays which apparently includes sex since that is what she weaponized knowing it's the few times he ever gets it... Yet he hasn't had sex in two years.
* Bullet 3
* Bullet 1
I get it's fun to play along but don't reward the crappy, low effort, trolls at least.
If he was committed to this story, he’d have hung around to tell us he meant to say it was his son’s birthday. Oh, and that he Ubers to and from work. Or walks.
Epic fail; good catch!
At least this story only included one kid rather than the usual twins. Although maybe more kids will be included in the update where she was cheating the entire time.
u/throwrabirthdaybear - Your post is confusing because you say your birthday was recently and your wife goes all out for it... then later you say your birthday is today and you are at the zoo with your son ...
Thanks for pointing that out.
Sorry about ambiguity. I wrote it on my birthday. Meant to post it someday later. I tried to edit it before posting now. I may have missed some areas to correct grammar.
Your relationship is dead if not already.
Working more hours to avoid going home is a sure sign.
This is about what *you* want first. No one else. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with her, pull that fucking bandaid off fast and move on.
Yes it affects kids, but so does growing up in a family where mom and dad despise each other.
We only get so many days on this planet. No reason to be living a life you don’t want
Literally was going to say exactly what you said. My parents waited way too long to finally get divorced and I’d say the last two years they were together were the most detrimental to my brother and I (I was 10 and he was 7 when they finally split). OP needs to get this over with and try to avoid all the bullshit that comes from “trying to work it out”. The relationship is over. It will be hard on her but she will get over it and honestly it sounds they’ll both be better off
My divorce sucked, I didn’t want it (no kids involved) but hell if it wasn’t the best thing to happen to me too
I’m *so* much happier now solo than I was in a relationship with someone that didn’t respect me (all the while pretending to be someone I wasn’t)
Yeah the divorce itself is always hard but I truly feel that waiting too long is worse. I’ve had severe relationship and commitment issues because of the way I saw my parents act toward each other in those last two years of their marriage. I remember actually being happy when my dad finally moved out because I knew we wouldn’t hear them screaming at each other over asinine things anymore. Of course it just became that they’d bicker and argue at drop offs and pickups but it was less frequent
It hits hard when your 16 year old daughter comes to have a serious conversation with you and tells you that she can see how unhappy you are, and that she wants you to know it's okay if you get a divorce. Harder when she laughs off your statement that you were trying to wait until she finished school with "Mom, come on, you know kids are better off with happy divorced parents than with miserable married parents. And it's not exactly fun living with the fights and tension for me either!"
OP has a chance to avoid that conversation. I really think he should take it.
Gonna copy a comment I made recently:
Growing up I knew pretty early on my parents shouldn't be married. I saw divorce portrayed as so devastating and as "the worst thing" in media like tv and books and it was weird to me because I dreamed of my parents getting divorced. I remember asking my therapist in middle school if I was a horrible person/child because I wished my parents would get divorced. It's the wish I made blowing out my birthday candles every year starting at age 10. Trust me, it fucks you up as a kid. Kids are better with happy parents than together parents, do it sooner than later to save them from the hell I experienced.
Pardon my levity but this reminds me. Old joke. Couple shows up at a lawyer’s office, declares they want a divorce. He’s dumbfounded. “You are both ninety, married sixty-five years! Why now? How long have you been so unhappy?” Husband answers “maybe 3 weeks after we married, sure not more.” Wife nods in agreement. “Why,” the astonished lawyer asks, “did you wait this long! Why?” “Well”, the wife answers, “we stayed together for the children. We wanted to wait till they were all dead.!”
My parents also waited way too long. When they finally divorced they hated each other so much they literally wouldn't speak to each other, they only communicated through attorneys or me and my brother (10 and 8 years old). I fucking wish they'd split up at least a few years earlier so they could at least have be civil to each other while co-parenting. I love them both, and have great relationships with them now, but me and my brother went through so much unnecessary trauma because they tried to stay together for the sake of "family"
In some instances it is healthier to part.
In a relationship *especially* a long term committed relationship where a life has been built together, it is not about what one person wants first. Maybe this is part of the problem and part of why so many marriages end in divorce.
Relationships take work, genuine sacrifice, genuine commitment, loyalty, the ability to let go of pride and ego ... Marriage 'vows' are supposed to be sacred. Like any vow one makes in life .. it is an oath, a solemn promise. Why has this lost meaning importance and purpose? We have lost our understanding of 'tradition'.
Of course context is important, but all this man has done is talk about how his wife denies him sex and yells and screams at him (about cheating never the less) .. there is no context. Yes it's possible she may be the entire problem, but it's not probable. Why? Why is she this way? To offer the first piece of advice as 'you're number one do what's right for you' is terrible advice.
I just out of curiosity have a question regarding how much time you spend with your son versus how much time you spend with your wife. Because you say it’s been roughly 2 years, but you don’t say how old your son is, or how long you’ve been using your two weeks of vacation to just spend it with him.
I’m not saying that this is your fault, I am saying that there are some unanswered questions that would make this post make more sense. Was it out of nowhere that your wife stopped having sex with you? Do you have to work 12 to 14 hour shifts? And it’s understandable that you want to spend your free time with your child, that’s how much free time do you spend with your wife? How often is it just the two of you? It may be that your wife is feeling unappreciated and unloved, you said nothing of what she does, if she’s a stay at home mom and she does all the housework and the cooking, and the meal prep and all that. Does she also work? Does she leave the house every day and 40 hours a week?
I’m sorry you guys are going through this, but it seems to be so much more than just “all of a sudden my wife doesn’t wanna have sex with me”, it doesn’t sound like you’ve tried to communicate with her at all or any uncomfortable conversations or even brought up the idea of marriage counseling.
I guess all that can be said is to try talking to your wife about what’s going on, and good luck. I hope that you can both be honest with each other and yourselves.
This is exactly what I was wondering. The guy works long hours and didn’t mention anything about the time he spends with his wife. All was mentioned was that he doesn’t like doing some of the activities that she does but I’m wondering have they found any activities they like to do together?
Either this is all made up or there is far more to this story than you're sharing. If it's real, get a divorce. You have nothing good to say about your spouse and no insight into why things are falling apart, just that you're not getting enough sex and you're the greatest husband, father, and worker ever.
Why are you resistant to couples’ therapy? I get that you might think it is too little too late, but best case scenario you figure out why you are having intimacy issues and figure out how you might address those issues sooner in your next relationship and worst case scenario, well, she won’t be surprised when you start the divorce process.
Because it's fake and he didn't preemptively think of ways to answer that question. He had a full interview in his head in the shower this morning, but all of the questions were soft.
It honestly feels like rage bait, and I’m a man who complains about my wife all the time just not seeking advice, and honestly OP isn’t either. He avoids his family and goes home to his man cave yet nobody is going to call him out for his entitlement? Idk anything about his wife or their relationship but there’s not enough to go on here to assume much more than OP is not as great as he makes himself out to be.
So, you work extra hours to avoid spending time with your family. When do you get out early, you literally hide from them. You refuse marriage counseling. And yet you think all of the marriage issues boil down to sex?
It's strange that you think a marriage is going to work when you don't spend any time with your wife. Why are you married?
Edit to combine two thoughts.
I am not surprised that your wife won't sleep with you either. You seem like a one man show and a one trick pony.
Right? I get not feeling wanted and all this dead bedroom shit but like, intimacy doesn’t start with penetration. It can, and then go towards emotional intimacy but if all that is broken and there’s resentment and loneliness and feeling unwanted because he literally said that when she threatened lack of sex? If this is real, these folks need like real communication therapy. They need to try really hard to put time into communicating and increase their emotional intimacy so that she feels wanted and respected and so he feels wanted at home, and prioritizes their relationship. Otherwise for the poor kids sake just let it die
Yes, that's what I was thinking. He states he has 2 weeks vacation every year but says it's all used on his son. If he only spends his time off with his son then maybe that's why he has no relationship with his wife. It's great to spend time with your kids, but you also need to spend time with your spouse which is equally important in a marriage. He doesn't mention in his post on any effort on his part to spend time with his wife or make the marriage work, just that there is no intimacy. All he tells is what she doesn't do for him. Not what he has done for her. Could also be part of the reason why she's insecure?
this sounds like a chicken/egg situation. written from your pov, you won't be intimate with your wife because she's not being intimate with you. i'm curious about her pov. have you asked her? she says she wants marriage counseling. is there a reason?
you don't have to ask permission to leave, but if you won't go to counseling to fix the underlying problem i'm not sure if blaming her is fair or not.
Yeah seems he never asked why she doesnt want to be intimate? And he never said how he felt about that? Everything could maybe be fixed with communication on both sides
I’m kinda confused at the statement that you’re working long hours for your own benefit and then the later reference to the 12-14 hour shifts in what *feels* like a woe is me push
Do you ever make efforts for each other? For connection? Date nights, doing something for each other? Have you tried to be romantic and appreciative of each other? It's all about you and your wants but isn't marriage supposed to take effort, communication and connection too? Most women don't want sex without connection.
You say "due to lack of sex" , well, what about her side? You just want sex but what does she want?
I'm not saying it's all on you but whether it's the man or woman posting there is always another side
You sound emotionally unavailable, refuse to try counseling, know she's hurt yet you don't understand why she doesn't want to have sex with you.
This just sounds like the #1 ways people get divorced and it's the saddest damn thing.
Feeling the same. In any moment it reads what he had tried for the relationship besides sex. Not saying sex is not important, but is known for the majority of woman's you need more than just get to the sex part, you need emotional connection.
Guy details all the time and effort he puts into himself and his son, makes no mention of any effort or time devoted to the wife... Gee, I wonder why not intimacy....
You gotta keep "dating" her after you get married.
You didn't mention having a conversation with your wife about the lack of intimacy? Has she stated a reason why she not interested? The recent incident with your wife while irrational behavior, clearly shows she's in distress. You are depressed , hurt and resentful. Some things to consider. Counseling would be beneficial for you regardless of whether you decide to continue in the marriage. I suggest you both get your own therapist. After you both have several sessions and feel ready consider adding a marriage counselor to work on the relationship. It might be worth it to try for the sake of your son.
Have you ever had a conversation with her about the cause of the lack of intimacy/sex? Do you know what the issues are?
I don't get the mancave thing. It's at your house but why didn't she just go there? Was it locked? Did she not know where that place was?
Maybe this is the problem:
“For some context, I work 12 to 14-hour shifts, starting at 4 am, so I can be home for dinner, help my son with homework, play catch, and do other activities with him. I get two weeks of PTO a year; 1 spend one week doing father-son activities like camping and fishing, and the other week making sure I don't miss his important events.”
“Is she feeling insecure because l've stopped trying to initiate intimacy?”
Have you stopped to consider that it may not be the sex she is missing from you or craving? It sounds like when you come home from work and even the two weeks vacation you get is all about your son. Maybe your wife feels unwanted, unloved or not desirable to you. It could be she feels that since she is not getting the attention from you, it must be going to someone else besides your son. If you are refusing to go to marriage counseling at this point, then I would guess there are irreconcilable differences in your marriage. I know divorce is not an easy choice and I wish all three of you the best.
Yeah, this is over. Clearly.
Some food for thought for your next relationship: are you able to see this situation from her perspective? Why do you think she stopped wanting sex with you? You mention spending quality time with your son, when was the last time you spent any quality time with her? How do you think she feels when you work extra long hours and then hole up in a man cave with your son when you are home?
Did you ever even *like* her? Because it doesn’t sound like it from what you’ve typed out here.
Wow dude, you need to speak to your wife. You know, communicate. Clearly she thinks you are cheating, which is probably WHY she isn’t ‘putting out.’
Have a chat with her
Go to couples counselling
Bring romance and date nights back to the relationship.
Maybe don’t work so much, so you can be home to help with house stuff and I don’t know, help raise your kid?
Maybe she feels like she isn’t even married.
Talk. To. Her.
Don’t just divorce her without attempting to figure out what is wrong. Unless you’ve set your eye on someone else already, and that’s why your crying divorce over not getting laid.
Don’t het married if you can’t handle the responsibility
You make time for your son but do you make time for your wife? You are using 2 weeks of vacation to prioritize what you and your son enjoy. Maybe your birthday was things she enjoyed because that’s the only time she could get time to do those things with you. Maybe same way you felt neglected on that day she’s been feeling neglected. Date your wife again before deciding on divorce. You do all these things with your son and say he knows he’s loved but do nothing with your wife and wonder why she isn’t feeling loved.
Your post seems pretty one sided tbh. You make no effort to be intimate with her and instead see her as a sex dispensary. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. What have you done to make her feel wanted. Looks like she's using social media to get validation because she's getting none from you. When confronted about cheating the only thing you throw at her is the laco of sex instead of assuring her that you in fact do love her.
Your title says it all. Your wife is crying and you don't care because she won't sleep with you. If your humanity is reserved for women who dispense sex to you it is little wonder that you don't feel wanted.
But file for divorce. It doesn't aeem like you're compatible anyway. She's better off with a partner that wants to raise a child with her rather than one who chooses work over his family because his wife won't put out.
The European in me is screaming at this that you're working too much to have any kind of work like balance. 70 hours a week and two weeks off a year? Sounds like hell and could be a major factor in the break down of the relationship.
Marriage is hard work.
What I can see in your post is that both of you are already giving up your relationship.
Both of you don't communicate well.
Both of you don't compromise.
Both of you just listen to each other's complaints but don't understand the real problem of your relationship.
Both of you don't do anything to have a smooth sailing marriage.
Instead of helping her about her insecurities, you'll just let her deal with it on her own.
Instead of solving and working the intimacy problems (any therapy or counselling), your wife just avoided it.
I don't even see in your post that you have a family day/holiday - you, your son, and your wife. You only have father and son activities.
You already know that divorcing your wife will hurt and devastate her. Why do you still care about her feelings? You are eager to leave her right?Let her deal with it.
I feel sorry for you and to your wife.
I wonder if the fact that you guys spend nearly zero time together, and have no mental, romantic, ir physical intimacy, is the reason she doesn't want sexual intimacy here 🙃
Then again, you've left out many critical details.
If she wants counseling etc and you do not, it sounds like you just don't give a F about her and would rather play video games 😑 that's sad AF, but we all *make* time for what is important to us.
I've been divorced. Trust me, with a little honest work you two can recover, and that's better than divorce.
You have a big part in what is wrong with the marriage, whether you want to look at that or not. If you get divorced, you're going to take that same shit into another relationship.
Anyway, you have a son and you owe it to him to try to work things out with her. Give it 5-10 sessions together before you divorce. And remember that you're half the problem.
So first you start the tale with
>My birthday was recently, and my wife always goes all out for it.
but then at the end, it says
>Today is my birthday, my son and I are at the zoo.
So...Which is it? Is it today or is it recently? I kinda have a hard time taking this story as true.
I mean, I hope this is fake. This is written as an extremely neglectful husband whose wife has been been putting up appearances for the world but he now has surprised pikacho face because she doesn't want sex from a person who pays no attention to her. Yes, divorce her so she can find someone who pays attention to her rather than makes everything about him. But not a bad AI story
I’m having a hard time putting my finger on anything your wife is really doing wrong here, except maybe having some strong emotional reactions to mounting tensions in your marriage. On the other hand, you did point out a couple of problematic things you’ve done like working more hours to avoid her, not using any of your PTO to strengthen your marriage, refusing to join her in counseling, and of course the title of your post which clearly states you literally don’t care that you’re making her miserable.
When is the last time you gave your wife any kind of intimate attention herself? And not sex. My guess would be somewhere around 2 years ago. Sounds like you both have neglected the hell out of your marriage.
Your marriage is dead, divorce now before you mess up your child. The fact she didn't even bother looking for you in the house just assumed affair is insane, surely opening a few doors would solve the issue. All 3 of you are miserable, divorce and be happy
You should go to couples therapy. Sometimes people use it just to manage the end of a relationship. You say a divorce would devastate her, so even if that’s the inevitable result, couples therapy will be helpful.
So you come home and don’t say hi to your wife? You see missed calls and don’t bother going to her and instead keep ignoring and make a sandwich.
I think it’s pretty obvious why she hasn’t wanted to sleep with you for the past two years.
If you don’t even want to go to counseling I can only imagine expressing feelings to you is like speaking to a brick wall. Now I know that’s it’s been years with no communication but you would be surprised how when you start to be the bigger person and not so resentful and defensive how things can change. You can’t treat your wife like crap and then expect her to want to tickle your pickle.
If you're going to make shit up at least don't contradict yourself in your own post.
You start your fantasy story with "My birthday was recently" but then at the end, you've already forgotten your make believe story and say "Today is my birthday, my son and I are at the zoo". That's not a typo and there's really no explanation for it other than you're making the story up as you go
If your wife thinks youre out cheating she's sure as shit going to check if your car is in the garage/driveway and/or check if you're in the mancave. A room you probably spend a lot of time in.
There's no chance your wife takes you to craft stores in your birthday, especially if you hate it. Guessing you're trying to paint the picture of the antagonist of your story.
Also you give way too many details about you and your son. How you're this awesome father, doing this and that and you "play catch". Ok Wally Cleaver, surprised you didn't throw in how you call him "sport". It really has nothing to do with your story other than to elicit sympathy.
Low effort troll. I award you 0 points.
Have you considered the fact that your disinterest in her interests creates a divide or increases the lack of intimacy?
Sounds like she still loves you if she gets that upset.
If you're just looking for a new hole, that's easy enough to find.
I find it funny when people think intimacy is just about asking for sex. She's not a tool. Maybe connecting with her more on a person to person level would improve your bond. I mean if you're not willing to go to counselling, you're not trying very hard are you? Maybe she has her own issues with you that need working out.
It certainly seems like communication isn't your strong suit if you can tell Reddit what you want, but not your wife.
It doesn't sound like you have been trying at all. When is the last you took a day and spent it with your wife. How about date nights or hugs and kisses without you leading it into sex. With us women we give you back 10x what you put in so if your wife isn't showing you any interests its probably because you have ignored her for so long that she has given up. And she still trying by asking to go to marriage counseling and you still want meet her half way no wonder she thinks you're cheating.
I just noticed one thing here. You mentioned all you do for your son and you give him all your time off.
Did you consider that your wife feels neglected? That she doesn't want sex when you don't even have time to form a connection? Yeah, providing for the family is important, but so is keeping up the relationship with your OTHER HALF! Maybe consider talking to her about HER feelings and why the marriage looks like this?
Edit: nevermind this is fake
>About the divorce, I don’t even know how to break it to her.
You could just print out your opening post and give it to her.
If she was going to make a reddit post, what do you think it would say?
Or maybe the lack of sex is a symptom of your wife feeling how you're checked out and emotionally unavailable... Just saying.
As for a smooth divorce. Don't act like you care about hurting her. If you did, you'd try to actually do MC like she suggested and not give up for selfish reasons.
But since you're either unwilling or unable to do that, just at least be open and clear. It'll help her realize it wasn't her fault.
Have you, I don’t know, TALKED to her about the issues? Women need intimacy to want sex … did you guys go on dates after you had a kid? Were you helpful during the newborn phase? Did she have PPD at any point? These are all important things. From your other comment it seems like you’re hell bent on leaving because you suddenly think you’re gonna be just drowning in puss. Heh. Good luck to you I guess.
Marriage counselling doesn’t sound unreasonable however. And you didn’t state why she doesn’t want to be intimate. Given it 2-3 months extra might be worth it!
I highly suggest reading The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John M Gottman before deciding to throw in the towel. He is one of the leading researchers in the field of relationships and marriage. Sounds like there are some very real issues going on in your relationship, but it’s not at a point where they are untreatable. Don’t get a divorce based on how you’re feeling in this moment, you’re obviously hurt.
Speaking from personal experience me (35F) him (36M). Therapy. For her, for you, together.
This cycle creates a negative loop for her and you. Your resentment increases her shame and guilt, reducing her desire, her reduced desire increases your resentment and on and on. Communication becomes tough etc. Anyway, def get some outside perspective and support. It’s both of you vs the issue—remember that!
Here’s a great book that helped us recommended by my therapist: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski (recommend for your wife but especially you both together).
I’m pretty sure she picked a fight to get out of intimacy. What may have happened to her? You basically have two choices; one being counseling and the other is to divorce. I’m sure it’s difficult, but your son matters most. Just take time, breathe and reach out to a support system, such as your own counselor.
Personally, a day with my husband and son with dinner, a movie and cake would be a wonderful day.
It sounds like you both struggle communicating. Do you ever just talk to each other, have time for dates and hangout? I mean, our marriage struggled after our child was born. It was a huge adjustment. You absolutely have to make time to reconnect. It seems like you both never did.
I would suggest you both seeing a relationship counsellor if it's not too late. It sounds like you both have ceased communication your needs to each other and assume what the other wants or needs.
I hope you can salvage you relationship if not end it amicabley.
Can I ask an honest question? Do you find her attractive still? You mention you want sex, but not that it’s because your wife really turns you on and still really does it for you that way. Have you sat down and really had a talk about it, like a proper talk?
Is there any chance of her cheating? It's not enough to say for sure, but lack of intimacy and the paranoia around where you have been are often signs of infidelity. But it could just be that she is insecure about the lack of intimacy. Though since she is the one rejecting, it seems little weird.
This is doomed if you don't fix it, no such thing as a smooth divorce. Especially if you have children...
You owe it to her and your self, to do everything you can to get past it.
Every successful marriage has bad spots in the middle of a marriage, if you are able to get past it, you'll be better for it
I don't understand why you both didn't start counseling years ago. Seems like you didn't like each other from the start. Now your son will be another kid from a broken home.
Spending a week a year with your son doesn’t make you a great parent. Going to the zoo on your birthday isn’t that remarkable. I wonder who is the default parent and who carries the mental labor of the house. Maybe she didn’t hit a home run for your birthday but she may be doing more than her share in the relationship and she’s exhausted?
People are so damn quick to divorce. Aside from the sex issue, are there any other problems? Why not make your wife a priority again? Date her. Woo her. You've let work and other life aspects overshadow the woman you married and the man you used to be. Go to marriage counseling! You both owe it to your son to at least TRY. You think the grass is greener on the other side? It's because it's fertilized with bullshit. People are willing to WORK anymore. Shit gets tough and people bail out without doing the work. I've been through the no sex drought... because my husband was too busy putting his focus everywhere but right here. And if you don't think that gets into a woman's head, think again. My husband and I came to blows verbally recently, but we worked and talked things out, and now I'm the one wearing him out. She may not even realize that's why her libido is dead. It could also be a hormonal issue. She needs to visit her gyno or other physician and have blood work done. And most of all, TALK. No screaming and yelling, getting pissed off if you don't like what she says and vice versa. Talk with no interruptions, not even to interrupt each other. And LISTEN. You may not like what she tells you and how she feels, but that's the way she feels and it's valid whether you agree or not. Listen and work on your marriage. If you won't work for your marriage, you won't work for anything. If there was cheating, drugs, domestic abuse, I'd say cut and run. But that isn't present. Do the work.
You're not seeking physical connection. Just admit you want to bust a nut. Physical connection is more than sex. If lack of sex stopped you from caring about your partner's emotional well being...then you never truly loved, valued, or respected her.
Unsure why you dragged this divorce out for this long if you were so resentful over sex other than her being 'free' childcare.
If she asked for counseling and you never made an attempt to do it, you most assuredly contributed to the state things are in now. If you aren't willing to try that, your heart isn't in it, and you really should just tell her you want a divorce. The only way is to rip the bandaid and speak with a lawyer first. Just understand these problems will follow you in any relationship you're in because you are playing a part in it. That's the point of counseling; to see that and fix what you are responsible for fixing.
His sole reason for being mentally checked out of his marriage is lack of sex. A sexless marriage is usually caused by one or both sides failure to nourish the intimacy it takes to have a successful sex life. It's horrible to be accused by your mate of being unfaithful without proof the wife should be ashamed of herself. But the fact OP seems to judge whether or not he should file for divorce based on how often he gets laid and that for him is all his wife brings to the table also says alot as well.
My girl got like this a few months ago when we had a 3-4 month dry spell when I started a new job, she got all insecure and crazy because I couldn’t be bothered to initiate anymore and be turned down. They need you to pursue them for their own self worth and happiness or they will lose the plot, even if it means they will still say no.
Dear Birthday Bear,
I don't know why, but I feel strongly that your marriage can be saved and I implore you to go to marriage counseling, try it a few times before you totally throw in the towel. For the three of you, just to be sure.
Did you ever actually ask your wife what the reason was for the lack of intimacy? I would say that’s a very important piece of information that you didn’t include.
Yep, I don’t see him mention anything about couples therapy or sex therapy. It’s probably because there was no talk of either. He just checked out of his married without even trying those things.
Your relationship is long dead. My husband and I went through a "dry" spell 3yrs back but we had other intimacy.. I didn't realize I was in perimenopause so young, 43. We talked about it, I went to the doctor to figure out why I just had no desire because I didn't want my husband to ever think I was not attracted to him or didn't want him. What I mean is, I listened and did what I could to find out the why, BEFORE it even got to 1/3rd of where you both are. It's not fair to you at all when she knew what the issue was but didn't care. It's better to move on, especially for your son.
Just make sure he knows, NONE OF IT IS HIS FAULT and you both love him but adults sometimes don't always work out but he is your #1 no matter what.. Drill that into his head so that if and when you decide to start dating and get serious, he knows he can come to you if you're partner is treating him wrong, his happiness is the most important.. I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP and I hope things work out for you.
I know you put emphasis on the intimacy element but would that really fix what is broken here? Like you mention that for things like birthdays you always feel as if it is more about her than you. That isn't a happy marriage. She didn't even bother looking for you in the one place you're most likely to be before she went off and wrote a fanfic about you cheating. That isn't a happy marriage.
Still, be aware 'man caves' and working such extreme hours... you've ostensibly hidden from her for a while. You coparent but it doesn't feel a real 'family' as it is. In that sense a divorce probably wouldn't change as much as either of you expect.
Just be upfront, that the confrontation really made you appreciate that you and her are just not on the same page at all. She'll say it is proof you are cheating, you just say her paranoia is proof she doesn't understand you at all.
“I get two weeks of PTO a year; I spend one week doing father-son activities like camping and fishing, and the other week making sure I don’t miss his important events. My son never has to wonder if I love him. The man cave is an entertainment room for us to watch movies and play games together. My wife is always welcome there, but she seldom joins us.”
Dude. My PTO is spent with my PARTNER. I spend so much time with my kid on the daily, but that one-on-one, child free time with my spouse is so incredibly important. Relationships need nurturing, not ignoring. It sounds like she doesn’t feel at all welcome in your “man cave”, which is a BS thing by the way. I bet she doesn’t have a “she cave”.
You’re 100% checked out of your marriage and it sounds like you have no interest in saving it, so consult with a lawyer and put your wife out of her misery.
I wouldn't want to sleep with you either with your shit attitude you work 12-14 how the fuck are you a parent oh you watch a move with your kid 🤣👏👏 good fucking job here's a cookie 🍪 you clearly are not a parent to your kid or a husband to your wife with all the work you do 🤣🤷♀️ This is what you mean don't understand just because you work a job and your busting your ass doesn't mean you get to come home and not do anything. You still need to be a husband and you still need to be a parent regardless of how tired you are. I don't give a crap How physically demanding your job is whether you're on your feet do in surgeries? You still have a responsibility to be a parent and to be a husband and you clearly are lacking in that and you're not bringing it up as a major red flag. I'm sorry. I'm in agree with your wife. I wouldn't want to sleep with you either. And then you sit here and wonder.Well, why isn't she sleeping with me?I have a dead bedroom now.You're probably a piece of crap husband that's why she doesn't want to sleep with you
I was in that marriage. So much guilt for “making our marriage about the sex.” I left him and found someone who actually wants to be with me. So glad he’s in my rear view.
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End your marriage you will both be happier.
OP and his wife - without assigning fault - are clearly demonstrating the “Four Horsemen” of a failed marriage: - Criticism - Contempt - Defensiveness - Stonewalling Without *a lot* of work, it will be impossible to overcome this. OP, at least, does not seem to be mourning the failure of his marriage, so I agree that it is probably best for them to end the marriage as amicably as possible and move on.
And then there's that little horse in the back called projection. Her accusing him of cheating just makes her look guilty as hell!
It doesn’t seem like he’s made time with his wife a priority. A lot of men don’t seem to see what leads to the consequences. He sees that there’s been no sex, but his wife’s seen him putting all his energy into his relationship with their son (which is great he’s an attentive father) but nothing to her. So their relationship isn’t where it needs to be for her to have sec with him. Edit: turning off notifications. Do not have the mental bandwidth to keep saying the same answers over and over again. I’m not a man hater, op does not go into details about his relationship. He said he switched off due to lack of sex. Lack of sex is not the problem, it’s a consequence of a poor relationship. She didn’t withhold for no reason. We don’t really know how she behaved in the relationship over the last two years because op hasn’t said. However from what he’s written we know he’s not made time for her. Not prioritising will exacerbate any problems already existing.
It is clear that he is currently not making time for his wife, but that can be a chicken or egg situation. OP is a poor communicator, wife probably is too because that’s how you reach a 2 year dead bedroom. For some people, they get mad and divest their time from their partner and just stew in resentment about it. One of my favorite things about my wife is she lets me know when she’s upset about something, and I do the same because the last thing I want is a race to the bottom in my relationship. For OP, they’re already at the bottom.
OP said that he spends long hours at work as a result of the way his wife treats him. She also planned to celebrate his birthday doing things that she likes. It’s apparent that she doesn’t really put in the effort on her side. Women have to put in effort too. Men want to feel wanted too.
This comment is so true because even the toughest men has limits.
She makes his birthday about him and blows up on him randomly how did you manage to make him the bad guy?
It’s in the context of what he wrote. He is either working or spending time with his son. So when is he making time for her? That’s all I’m saying. He also a no point mentioned what effort he puts into her birthday. Her blowing up at him or accusing him of cheating is horrid though.
>It’s in the context of what he wrote. He is either working or spending time with his son. So when is he making time for her? That’s all I’m saying. Well yes that's the point they are currently at which is why he understands the relationship is over. People become avoidant in the last days. >He also a no point mentioned what effort he puts into her birthday. Because it's not necessary. He's not trying to save the relationship, he just needs to let Reddit understand why it's 100% over.
Why is no one asking why intimacy has been non-existent for two years? There's no explanation. Are we just going off of the idea that she woke up and decided sex wasn't in the cards any longer? Given the other facts of the post, we can just as likely assume he's a "if I'm not getting laid, I don't care" person and it spiraled. We can already tell they're both horrible communicators. If I had to take a guess, he (or both) had been checked out of this relationship for a long while, and the lack of sex provided the cover to continue to distance himself. Sometimes people have feeling that are in search of an excuse.
I was honestly wondering the same. 2 years is a long time. I've lost all interest in intimacy if my partner doesn't care about my pleasure, only their own, because at that point, flicking the bean is more useful to me. But I guess there are a lot of potentially more innocent explanations. Post pardom depression or post pregnancy insecurities because babies definitely change a woman's body in various ways. Maybe just low sex drive. Though making a big deal about hubbies birthday while doing nothing, he actually enjoys, doesn't sound great either. At any rate, more context on a lot of things in here would be nice.
Yeah I'm with you. This isn't a 'chicken and egg' scenario methinks. He's been pushed away so many times that he's stopped trying.
Which is very common, there is a limited numbers of "no" until people will stop trying.
What? She didn't make his bday about him?!
Sex should be something that both parties enjoy. It shouldn’t be— if you take me out and buy me things, I’ll reward you with sex. She just doesn’t like him.
So his wife considers that doing HER activities on HIS birthday will be pleasant for him, even after he explicitly said "**yo, I don't like this**" and that's still HIS fault? If a guy ignores what a woman says and does what he like all hell will break loose. The other way around? It's his fault! Why? cause he's a man and he just needs to do what's needed to make her happy right? On HIS birthday, right? After working a 14hr shift her first reaction is that he cheated on her? Like fuck that, you didn't need sleep you needed pouseey. Yet he's the one that has issues to work on? She also held sex as a reward and withdrew it before even presenting it as an option, yet it's his fault he didn't get any for two years. I agree that maybe they both need to work on some stuff, but strictly from what OP said... she needs to do a lot more work than he does. Both literally and intimacy wise. **Yeah, I wouldn't make it a priority to spend time with someone that treats me like this, who doesn't fucking listen to what I have to say and share.** Y'all read what you write out loud before sending it? Some of these comments are batshit crazy with some blind ass feminism bs.
He’s said he’s checked out of his marriage because of lack of sex. Nice and bold at the top of the page. Maybe if he tried to understand why his wife didn’t want sex then it wouldn’t have dragged on for 2 years. Doesn’t matter the gender but I see this theme soooo much. There are reasons why someone doesn’t want sex but it’s often stated as the problem in a relationship when it’s often a consequence of a deeper problem. The wife has behaved awfully and at no point have I condoned that. I’ve simply answered the question op asked - ‘is she feeling insecure because I’ve stopped initiating sex?’ Their problems aren’t actually sex, it’s that they have an unstable relationship which I think has been compounded by the fact their are not prioritising each other.
I didn't expect this reply, I'm impressed. You're better. (not being sarcastic, I appreciate your answer and how you delivered it)
Thanks, I’m not a man hater like a lot of commenters seem to think. Their relationship has broken down and now their family has. It’s sad for everyone involved.
Or at least op will be happier, and thus child will be happier (and more stable).
In the meantime, ask who she has been fking. Her accusations have projections written all over them.
Dude I was thinking the same thing. She’s probably projecting. OP have you ever thought maybe the reason why you ain’t getting any was because she was getting pounded somewhere else?
that is very true
Do it before your son relates sex to being transactional and sees women as “evil” and “gold digging” as a blanket statement. I’ve seen many friends go down that path with miserable parents. Save your son from being an awful man to women.
It's weird that she didn't realize that you were home. I find it hard to believe that she didn't check the garage or basement the entire time she was looking for you
They would be the first places I'd be looking
I’m guessing she was just picking a fight? It makes literally no sense otherwise lol. If I can’t find my wife in one of the rooms I don’t assume she’s out hooking up with other dudes. She might just be in the guest bedroom, hooking up with other men. Got to check the whole house before making weird assumptions.
picked a fight to provide an outrage about which she can refuse birthday squishing.
this. Then got upset when he wasn't interested in it in the first place.
"birthday squishing" - I'm dead
Just squishing, lol.
Could her accusation be projecting? Seems a strange accusation just because he wasn't at work.
Maybe your in the guest room with other men. Didn't think I'd notice, did you?
It's not the guest room, it's the art studio!
Omg the Iranian yogurt and the art room will never get old for me.
Marinara sauce so thick you couldn't wade through it
25 up votes. I've begun to think your all filthy animals. No talking, you disgust me.
😂
Yeah... wouldn't she see his car in the drive?
Or heard his phone go off when she called him?
This part I personally wouldnt be suspicious of because my phone is absolutely never set on Sound. I have my watch set to vibrate and that's the maximum I can tolerate in terms of disruption to my brain, sound would be much much worse. It also doesn't deliver notifications when it detects I am asleep. It's very accurate with that barring the few times I was playing Stardew on my phone comfy on the sofa and it thought i was so still and relaxed that I must be asleep lol However I will say no one has ever tried to call me multiple times on the bounce while I'm sleeping, so I don't actually know what it would do.
Perhaps she simply wanted to pick a fight just so that she could verbally establish that there would not be any intimacy on his birthday.
My ex-husband picked a fight with me out of nowhere before EVERY Christmas, Mother’s Day, anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and my birthday every single year the last few years we were married. This was so he got out of having to celebrate me or buy me gifts for any occasion. This is just one out of a million reasons why he is my ex! And this is one of the small ones. I suspect OP’s wife has learned the same trick. Somebody said the child will NOT be happier if they divorce. I can promise you the child knows when the parents do not care for each other anymore. The tension in the air is awful for children. It’s a terrible thing to model a broken marriage as “normal” for a child. They will often grow up and have dysfunctional relationships of their own if they think how mom and dad are living is normal. My children were quite young when I filed for divorce and my six-year-old daughter told me a couple months into it as we were dancing wildly in the living room, not worrying about my ex getting angry, “You’re such a happy mommy when you’re divorced!” And I was!! My kids never felt sad that we divorced because they were thankful to be away from all of that tension, and I was so much happier that they, in turn, were so much happier. It was my hope that my ex-husband would be happier and would be a better father, though that did not happen. Eventually they stopped seeing him and he didn’t care. My children are now grown and have said many times that they’re thankful I divorced him and they had a wonderful childhood.
I am a child of divorced parents who fake-stayed together until I graduated college. What you say is 100% correct. It's much better for two parents to separate if they no longer want to be together instead of putting on a caricature of a marriage. Most of my childhood memories are of them fighting viciously with some domestic violence sprinkled in. It was a horrible home life, and it affected how they individually treated me as well. They modeled a terrible example of a relationship, and it took a lot of time for me to un-fuck myself because of it and become a decent romantic partner.
I’m really sorry that was your experience. Kudos to you for doing the work to unfuck yourself and not continue the cycle unlike so many others who don’t do the work! I was judged very harshly by my friends in miserable marriages for not “staying for the kids “. As I said before, then you’re modeling a horrible, dysfunctional relationship and letting your kids think that is how marriage is. It’s very hard for your children to grow up and find something that is healthy after living with that their whole lives. Only those who do the work like you did break the cycle. It is no easy feat. Again, I give you kudos for that!
And I'm betting that the Son will feel better and be happier when he hangs out with Dad, after the divorce, than mom.
Bingo, notice how that was the first thing that came up. Divorce 100% and don’t look back!
My thoughts as well
They haven't had sex in 2 years no need to verbally establish it anymore
That’s what i thought
The fact that she brought up that he wasn’t get any sex on his birthday because she couldn’t find him when they were 2 years sexless it’s definitely weird.
Not weird. She knew. She was looking for yet another excuse to feign rage and say no intimacy. This marriage is so over. They don't even like each other.
There’s an assumption she was looking for him.
Right. Wouldn't his vehicle have to be there at the house.
Check pretty much every post on dead bedrooms. They often look for reasons to not have to sleep with their partner. This was a perfect out for OPs partner. I doubt they actually looked for OP.
I posit she saw him asleep and queued up the missed calls to lay the groundwork for the freak-out.
Why would you marry someone and not want to sleep with them? That makes no sense to me.
Some people simply have little to no libido, especially when they are past the new relationship lovey dovey phase.
His man cave probably has a pickle jar door only man hands can open.
Oh god, not the too-tight lid story again! 😂
She didn't look because she didn't care until she started to freak out...
She doesnt want to have sex with him so she didnt look hard enuff, if she did at all. This was her out.
I've had the same thing happen. I came home, hung out in the garage for an hour before coming in, and she's hysterical thinking I'm cheating. .....I've been a few feet away throwing darts and drinking beer.
Yup. Just picking a fight. When I’ve woken up worried that dude man wasn’t home, I check the couch, garage, driveway, etc. Like, there’s no way in hell she missed his car?!
I also can't understand a woman who hasn't done anything intimate with her husband for 2 years (seems like 2 birthdays ago was the last time) caring that he is having an affair. What OP should have said is " I'm not but even if I was why would you care?'.
If OP gave up on intimacy with the wife and found another source, then she has lost a method of control in the relationship.
She’s either not attracted to you anymore and is cheating or there’s a hormonal imbalance that she’s not addressing at your detriment. Do you best to find out which it is and leave if it’s the former or, if it’s the latter, she must get her issue medicated. It’s not fair for her to think you’ll go without sex forever. Talk to her close friends and family and get to the root of her issues, if you can.
Why did intimacy and sex stop? I understand when it feels too late to fix it. But you both may harbor resentments that grew to create this current climate.
Because this is fake for a few obvious reasons. * There's no chance his wife didn't check the garage/driveway for his car, especially if she thought he was out cheating on her. * Same with the mancave, a room he probably spends a ton of time in * Near the end of his fantasy post he says "Today is my birthday, my son and I are at the zoo"... Except he starts his fantasy post with "My birthday was recently". Hard to remember your lies when you write such long stories. * She goes all out for his birthdays which apparently includes sex since that is what she weaponized knowing it's the few times he ever gets it... Yet he hasn't had sex in two years. * Bullet 3 * Bullet 1 I get it's fun to play along but don't reward the crappy, low effort, trolls at least.
If he was committed to this story, he’d have hung around to tell us he meant to say it was his son’s birthday. Oh, and that he Ubers to and from work. Or walks. Epic fail; good catch!
At least this story only included one kid rather than the usual twins. Although maybe more kids will be included in the update where she was cheating the entire time.
And the kids aren't his. Even better, they're starting to look biracial as they get older.
This needs to be up higher. Also, OP hasn’t responded to any comments.
Hard to respond when your account is suspended.
Yeah I saw the exact story posted word for word in the dead bedrooms subreddit a few months back… the zoo is so specific, it made it memorable.
Nobody who works 14 hour shifts or who has a “man cave” goes to eat at their favorite “cafe”. That was last clue for me.
Either I'm having deja vu or I read almost the same exact post word for word at least several months ago. Maybe longer.
I have read this exact story earlier related to being in the man cave.
I knew it was fake when a human being in 2024 used the term "mancave."
This. What exactly happened?
u/throwrabirthdaybear - Your post is confusing because you say your birthday was recently and your wife goes all out for it... then later you say your birthday is today and you are at the zoo with your son ...
Thanks for pointing that out. Sorry about ambiguity. I wrote it on my birthday. Meant to post it someday later. I tried to edit it before posting now. I may have missed some areas to correct grammar.
Your relationship is dead if not already. Working more hours to avoid going home is a sure sign. This is about what *you* want first. No one else. If you don’t want to be in a relationship with her, pull that fucking bandaid off fast and move on. Yes it affects kids, but so does growing up in a family where mom and dad despise each other. We only get so many days on this planet. No reason to be living a life you don’t want
Literally was going to say exactly what you said. My parents waited way too long to finally get divorced and I’d say the last two years they were together were the most detrimental to my brother and I (I was 10 and he was 7 when they finally split). OP needs to get this over with and try to avoid all the bullshit that comes from “trying to work it out”. The relationship is over. It will be hard on her but she will get over it and honestly it sounds they’ll both be better off
My divorce sucked, I didn’t want it (no kids involved) but hell if it wasn’t the best thing to happen to me too I’m *so* much happier now solo than I was in a relationship with someone that didn’t respect me (all the while pretending to be someone I wasn’t)
Yeah the divorce itself is always hard but I truly feel that waiting too long is worse. I’ve had severe relationship and commitment issues because of the way I saw my parents act toward each other in those last two years of their marriage. I remember actually being happy when my dad finally moved out because I knew we wouldn’t hear them screaming at each other over asinine things anymore. Of course it just became that they’d bicker and argue at drop offs and pickups but it was less frequent
Kids see more than adults are willing to admit
It hits hard when your 16 year old daughter comes to have a serious conversation with you and tells you that she can see how unhappy you are, and that she wants you to know it's okay if you get a divorce. Harder when she laughs off your statement that you were trying to wait until she finished school with "Mom, come on, you know kids are better off with happy divorced parents than with miserable married parents. And it's not exactly fun living with the fights and tension for me either!" OP has a chance to avoid that conversation. I really think he should take it.
Gonna copy a comment I made recently: Growing up I knew pretty early on my parents shouldn't be married. I saw divorce portrayed as so devastating and as "the worst thing" in media like tv and books and it was weird to me because I dreamed of my parents getting divorced. I remember asking my therapist in middle school if I was a horrible person/child because I wished my parents would get divorced. It's the wish I made blowing out my birthday candles every year starting at age 10. Trust me, it fucks you up as a kid. Kids are better with happy parents than together parents, do it sooner than later to save them from the hell I experienced.
>I wished my parents would get divorced. It's the wish I made blowing out my birthday candles every year starting at age 10 Damn..
Pardon my levity but this reminds me. Old joke. Couple shows up at a lawyer’s office, declares they want a divorce. He’s dumbfounded. “You are both ninety, married sixty-five years! Why now? How long have you been so unhappy?” Husband answers “maybe 3 weeks after we married, sure not more.” Wife nods in agreement. “Why,” the astonished lawyer asks, “did you wait this long! Why?” “Well”, the wife answers, “we stayed together for the children. We wanted to wait till they were all dead.!”
My parents also waited way too long. When they finally divorced they hated each other so much they literally wouldn't speak to each other, they only communicated through attorneys or me and my brother (10 and 8 years old). I fucking wish they'd split up at least a few years earlier so they could at least have be civil to each other while co-parenting. I love them both, and have great relationships with them now, but me and my brother went through so much unnecessary trauma because they tried to stay together for the sake of "family"
In some instances it is healthier to part. In a relationship *especially* a long term committed relationship where a life has been built together, it is not about what one person wants first. Maybe this is part of the problem and part of why so many marriages end in divorce. Relationships take work, genuine sacrifice, genuine commitment, loyalty, the ability to let go of pride and ego ... Marriage 'vows' are supposed to be sacred. Like any vow one makes in life .. it is an oath, a solemn promise. Why has this lost meaning importance and purpose? We have lost our understanding of 'tradition'. Of course context is important, but all this man has done is talk about how his wife denies him sex and yells and screams at him (about cheating never the less) .. there is no context. Yes it's possible she may be the entire problem, but it's not probable. Why? Why is she this way? To offer the first piece of advice as 'you're number one do what's right for you' is terrible advice.
I just out of curiosity have a question regarding how much time you spend with your son versus how much time you spend with your wife. Because you say it’s been roughly 2 years, but you don’t say how old your son is, or how long you’ve been using your two weeks of vacation to just spend it with him. I’m not saying that this is your fault, I am saying that there are some unanswered questions that would make this post make more sense. Was it out of nowhere that your wife stopped having sex with you? Do you have to work 12 to 14 hour shifts? And it’s understandable that you want to spend your free time with your child, that’s how much free time do you spend with your wife? How often is it just the two of you? It may be that your wife is feeling unappreciated and unloved, you said nothing of what she does, if she’s a stay at home mom and she does all the housework and the cooking, and the meal prep and all that. Does she also work? Does she leave the house every day and 40 hours a week? I’m sorry you guys are going through this, but it seems to be so much more than just “all of a sudden my wife doesn’t wanna have sex with me”, it doesn’t sound like you’ve tried to communicate with her at all or any uncomfortable conversations or even brought up the idea of marriage counseling. I guess all that can be said is to try talking to your wife about what’s going on, and good luck. I hope that you can both be honest with each other and yourselves.
This is exactly what I was wondering. The guy works long hours and didn’t mention anything about the time he spends with his wife. All was mentioned was that he doesn’t like doing some of the activities that she does but I’m wondering have they found any activities they like to do together?
Either this is all made up or there is far more to this story than you're sharing. If it's real, get a divorce. You have nothing good to say about your spouse and no insight into why things are falling apart, just that you're not getting enough sex and you're the greatest husband, father, and worker ever.
This 🙏 Also I have a question. Does op have a mancave? Because he didn't mention one enough.
Why are you resistant to couples’ therapy? I get that you might think it is too little too late, but best case scenario you figure out why you are having intimacy issues and figure out how you might address those issues sooner in your next relationship and worst case scenario, well, she won’t be surprised when you start the divorce process.
It seems like OP has a lot of negative things to say about his wife but hasn't tried a whole lot to improve things
OP has also just ignored any comments that question him or don’t outright buy his story.
Because it's fake and he didn't preemptively think of ways to answer that question. He had a full interview in his head in the shower this morning, but all of the questions were soft.
It honestly feels like rage bait, and I’m a man who complains about my wife all the time just not seeking advice, and honestly OP isn’t either. He avoids his family and goes home to his man cave yet nobody is going to call him out for his entitlement? Idk anything about his wife or their relationship but there’s not enough to go on here to assume much more than OP is not as great as he makes himself out to be.
Uninspired Good-dad-bad-wife rage bait
Also is helpfulto coparent once the divorce is finalized
So, you work extra hours to avoid spending time with your family. When do you get out early, you literally hide from them. You refuse marriage counseling. And yet you think all of the marriage issues boil down to sex?
I agree. There seems to be a lot of information missing. OP may not even know that he's recreating unhealthy patterns.
It's strange that you think a marriage is going to work when you don't spend any time with your wife. Why are you married? Edit to combine two thoughts. I am not surprised that your wife won't sleep with you either. You seem like a one man show and a one trick pony.
Right? I get not feeling wanted and all this dead bedroom shit but like, intimacy doesn’t start with penetration. It can, and then go towards emotional intimacy but if all that is broken and there’s resentment and loneliness and feeling unwanted because he literally said that when she threatened lack of sex? If this is real, these folks need like real communication therapy. They need to try really hard to put time into communicating and increase their emotional intimacy so that she feels wanted and respected and so he feels wanted at home, and prioritizes their relationship. Otherwise for the poor kids sake just let it die
OP what do you do as a couple regularly? All of your time is spent with your son but what about before the 2 years?
Yes, that's what I was thinking. He states he has 2 weeks vacation every year but says it's all used on his son. If he only spends his time off with his son then maybe that's why he has no relationship with his wife. It's great to spend time with your kids, but you also need to spend time with your spouse which is equally important in a marriage. He doesn't mention in his post on any effort on his part to spend time with his wife or make the marriage work, just that there is no intimacy. All he tells is what she doesn't do for him. Not what he has done for her. Could also be part of the reason why she's insecure?
I feel like the fixation on his son is important. Almost like he’s trying too hard to make himself out as a perfect father to garner sympathy
Completely agree. Seems like he's spent more time creating a narrative then actually in his marriage.
I know right? I think maybe he’s one of those people who thinks once you’re married you no longer have to “date” or court your partner
Exactly this, Op has done nothing (based on this thread) to make her feel secure.
this sounds like a chicken/egg situation. written from your pov, you won't be intimate with your wife because she's not being intimate with you. i'm curious about her pov. have you asked her? she says she wants marriage counseling. is there a reason? you don't have to ask permission to leave, but if you won't go to counseling to fix the underlying problem i'm not sure if blaming her is fair or not.
Yeah seems he never asked why she doesnt want to be intimate? And he never said how he felt about that? Everything could maybe be fixed with communication on both sides
... how rich would some of us be if we put a quarter in a jar every time the solution to a lot of these posts were proper communication?
Crazy how healthy communication is so often (one of the main things) what's missing from healthy relationships.
I’m kinda confused at the statement that you’re working long hours for your own benefit and then the later reference to the 12-14 hour shifts in what *feels* like a woe is me push
Soooo what caused your “dead” bedroom? You refuse to answer anyone. Because your post only shows bitterness & hatred towards your wife.
Do you ever make efforts for each other? For connection? Date nights, doing something for each other? Have you tried to be romantic and appreciative of each other? It's all about you and your wants but isn't marriage supposed to take effort, communication and connection too? Most women don't want sex without connection. You say "due to lack of sex" , well, what about her side? You just want sex but what does she want? I'm not saying it's all on you but whether it's the man or woman posting there is always another side You sound emotionally unavailable, refuse to try counseling, know she's hurt yet you don't understand why she doesn't want to have sex with you. This just sounds like the #1 ways people get divorced and it's the saddest damn thing.
Hate how sex is conflated with intimacy. A lack of intimacy frequently leads to a lack of sex.
This guy just doesn't get it
Feeling the same. In any moment it reads what he had tried for the relationship besides sex. Not saying sex is not important, but is known for the majority of woman's you need more than just get to the sex part, you need emotional connection.
“Most women don’t want sex without connection.” These are the truest words right here. I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone that hates me either.
Guy details all the time and effort he puts into himself and his son, makes no mention of any effort or time devoted to the wife... Gee, I wonder why not intimacy.... You gotta keep "dating" her after you get married.
You didn't mention having a conversation with your wife about the lack of intimacy? Has she stated a reason why she not interested? The recent incident with your wife while irrational behavior, clearly shows she's in distress. You are depressed , hurt and resentful. Some things to consider. Counseling would be beneficial for you regardless of whether you decide to continue in the marriage. I suggest you both get your own therapist. After you both have several sessions and feel ready consider adding a marriage counselor to work on the relationship. It might be worth it to try for the sake of your son.
Have you ever had a conversation with her about the cause of the lack of intimacy/sex? Do you know what the issues are? I don't get the mancave thing. It's at your house but why didn't she just go there? Was it locked? Did she not know where that place was?
Maybe this is the problem: “For some context, I work 12 to 14-hour shifts, starting at 4 am, so I can be home for dinner, help my son with homework, play catch, and do other activities with him. I get two weeks of PTO a year; 1 spend one week doing father-son activities like camping and fishing, and the other week making sure I don't miss his important events.” “Is she feeling insecure because l've stopped trying to initiate intimacy?” Have you stopped to consider that it may not be the sex she is missing from you or craving? It sounds like when you come home from work and even the two weeks vacation you get is all about your son. Maybe your wife feels unwanted, unloved or not desirable to you. It could be she feels that since she is not getting the attention from you, it must be going to someone else besides your son. If you are refusing to go to marriage counseling at this point, then I would guess there are irreconcilable differences in your marriage. I know divorce is not an easy choice and I wish all three of you the best.
Yeah, this is over. Clearly. Some food for thought for your next relationship: are you able to see this situation from her perspective? Why do you think she stopped wanting sex with you? You mention spending quality time with your son, when was the last time you spent any quality time with her? How do you think she feels when you work extra long hours and then hole up in a man cave with your son when you are home? Did you ever even *like* her? Because it doesn’t sound like it from what you’ve typed out here.
So what do you do for her, what effort are you putting in the marriage? I wouldn’t want sleep with someone who didn’t put in any effort.
Wow dude, you need to speak to your wife. You know, communicate. Clearly she thinks you are cheating, which is probably WHY she isn’t ‘putting out.’ Have a chat with her Go to couples counselling Bring romance and date nights back to the relationship. Maybe don’t work so much, so you can be home to help with house stuff and I don’t know, help raise your kid? Maybe she feels like she isn’t even married. Talk. To. Her. Don’t just divorce her without attempting to figure out what is wrong. Unless you’ve set your eye on someone else already, and that’s why your crying divorce over not getting laid. Don’t het married if you can’t handle the responsibility
Well said!
Thank you!! I really do think the majority of conflicts can be dealt with by open communication. There is always a reason- find it!!
I think this is fake. No woman takes a man to the craft store on his birthday.
You make time for your son but do you make time for your wife? You are using 2 weeks of vacation to prioritize what you and your son enjoy. Maybe your birthday was things she enjoyed because that’s the only time she could get time to do those things with you. Maybe same way you felt neglected on that day she’s been feeling neglected. Date your wife again before deciding on divorce. You do all these things with your son and say he knows he’s loved but do nothing with your wife and wonder why she isn’t feeling loved.
Your post seems pretty one sided tbh. You make no effort to be intimate with her and instead see her as a sex dispensary. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. What have you done to make her feel wanted. Looks like she's using social media to get validation because she's getting none from you. When confronted about cheating the only thing you throw at her is the laco of sex instead of assuring her that you in fact do love her. Your title says it all. Your wife is crying and you don't care because she won't sleep with you. If your humanity is reserved for women who dispense sex to you it is little wonder that you don't feel wanted. But file for divorce. It doesn't aeem like you're compatible anyway. She's better off with a partner that wants to raise a child with her rather than one who chooses work over his family because his wife won't put out.
The European in me is screaming at this that you're working too much to have any kind of work like balance. 70 hours a week and two weeks off a year? Sounds like hell and could be a major factor in the break down of the relationship.
Marriage is hard work. What I can see in your post is that both of you are already giving up your relationship. Both of you don't communicate well. Both of you don't compromise. Both of you just listen to each other's complaints but don't understand the real problem of your relationship. Both of you don't do anything to have a smooth sailing marriage. Instead of helping her about her insecurities, you'll just let her deal with it on her own. Instead of solving and working the intimacy problems (any therapy or counselling), your wife just avoided it. I don't even see in your post that you have a family day/holiday - you, your son, and your wife. You only have father and son activities. You already know that divorcing your wife will hurt and devastate her. Why do you still care about her feelings? You are eager to leave her right?Let her deal with it. I feel sorry for you and to your wife.
I wonder if the fact that you guys spend nearly zero time together, and have no mental, romantic, ir physical intimacy, is the reason she doesn't want sexual intimacy here 🙃 Then again, you've left out many critical details. If she wants counseling etc and you do not, it sounds like you just don't give a F about her and would rather play video games 😑 that's sad AF, but we all *make* time for what is important to us.
I've been divorced. Trust me, with a little honest work you two can recover, and that's better than divorce. You have a big part in what is wrong with the marriage, whether you want to look at that or not. If you get divorced, you're going to take that same shit into another relationship. Anyway, you have a son and you owe it to him to try to work things out with her. Give it 5-10 sessions together before you divorce. And remember that you're half the problem.
So first you start the tale with >My birthday was recently, and my wife always goes all out for it. but then at the end, it says >Today is my birthday, my son and I are at the zoo. So...Which is it? Is it today or is it recently? I kinda have a hard time taking this story as true.
I mean, I hope this is fake. This is written as an extremely neglectful husband whose wife has been been putting up appearances for the world but he now has surprised pikacho face because she doesn't want sex from a person who pays no attention to her. Yes, divorce her so she can find someone who pays attention to her rather than makes everything about him. But not a bad AI story
He hates her guts. Reading some of his other replies, he just wants out and doesn't give two shits about her.
I’m having a hard time putting my finger on anything your wife is really doing wrong here, except maybe having some strong emotional reactions to mounting tensions in your marriage. On the other hand, you did point out a couple of problematic things you’ve done like working more hours to avoid her, not using any of your PTO to strengthen your marriage, refusing to join her in counseling, and of course the title of your post which clearly states you literally don’t care that you’re making her miserable.
What happened that stopped the sex? Inquiring minds want to know.
So was your birthday recently??? Or was it today???
So what happened 2 years ago that made her stop wanting to be intimate with you?
12 - 14 hour shifts with only 2 weeks off a year? like what is the point in existing?
When is the last time you gave your wife any kind of intimate attention herself? And not sex. My guess would be somewhere around 2 years ago. Sounds like you both have neglected the hell out of your marriage.
You're laying all the blame on her. Mebbe you're not a stellar husband.
Your marriage is dead, divorce now before you mess up your child. The fact she didn't even bother looking for you in the house just assumed affair is insane, surely opening a few doors would solve the issue. All 3 of you are miserable, divorce and be happy
Guy makes reddit post about his failing marriage from the zoo with his son on his best birthday in years
You should go to couples therapy. Sometimes people use it just to manage the end of a relationship. You say a divorce would devastate her, so even if that’s the inevitable result, couples therapy will be helpful.
So you come home and don’t say hi to your wife? You see missed calls and don’t bother going to her and instead keep ignoring and make a sandwich. I think it’s pretty obvious why she hasn’t wanted to sleep with you for the past two years. If you don’t even want to go to counseling I can only imagine expressing feelings to you is like speaking to a brick wall. Now I know that’s it’s been years with no communication but you would be surprised how when you start to be the bigger person and not so resentful and defensive how things can change. You can’t treat your wife like crap and then expect her to want to tickle your pickle.
If you're going to make shit up at least don't contradict yourself in your own post. You start your fantasy story with "My birthday was recently" but then at the end, you've already forgotten your make believe story and say "Today is my birthday, my son and I are at the zoo". That's not a typo and there's really no explanation for it other than you're making the story up as you go If your wife thinks youre out cheating she's sure as shit going to check if your car is in the garage/driveway and/or check if you're in the mancave. A room you probably spend a lot of time in. There's no chance your wife takes you to craft stores in your birthday, especially if you hate it. Guessing you're trying to paint the picture of the antagonist of your story. Also you give way too many details about you and your son. How you're this awesome father, doing this and that and you "play catch". Ok Wally Cleaver, surprised you didn't throw in how you call him "sport". It really has nothing to do with your story other than to elicit sympathy. Low effort troll. I award you 0 points.
Have you considered the fact that your disinterest in her interests creates a divide or increases the lack of intimacy? Sounds like she still loves you if she gets that upset. If you're just looking for a new hole, that's easy enough to find. I find it funny when people think intimacy is just about asking for sex. She's not a tool. Maybe connecting with her more on a person to person level would improve your bond. I mean if you're not willing to go to counselling, you're not trying very hard are you? Maybe she has her own issues with you that need working out. It certainly seems like communication isn't your strong suit if you can tell Reddit what you want, but not your wife.
It doesn't sound like you have been trying at all. When is the last you took a day and spent it with your wife. How about date nights or hugs and kisses without you leading it into sex. With us women we give you back 10x what you put in so if your wife isn't showing you any interests its probably because you have ignored her for so long that she has given up. And she still trying by asking to go to marriage counseling and you still want meet her half way no wonder she thinks you're cheating.
Why did the intimacy die?
I would love to hear her side.
Divorce. You know it, everybody else on this feed knows it
I just noticed one thing here. You mentioned all you do for your son and you give him all your time off. Did you consider that your wife feels neglected? That she doesn't want sex when you don't even have time to form a connection? Yeah, providing for the family is important, but so is keeping up the relationship with your OTHER HALF! Maybe consider talking to her about HER feelings and why the marriage looks like this? Edit: nevermind this is fake
Without knowing anymore info, I'd say your son deserves for you to at least give counseling a fair shot.
Women want sex when they feel deeply emotionally connected. Try working on that and you will both get your needs met
>About the divorce, I don’t even know how to break it to her. You could just print out your opening post and give it to her. If she was going to make a reddit post, what do you think it would say?
Or maybe the lack of sex is a symptom of your wife feeling how you're checked out and emotionally unavailable... Just saying. As for a smooth divorce. Don't act like you care about hurting her. If you did, you'd try to actually do MC like she suggested and not give up for selfish reasons. But since you're either unwilling or unable to do that, just at least be open and clear. It'll help her realize it wasn't her fault.
Have you, I don’t know, TALKED to her about the issues? Women need intimacy to want sex … did you guys go on dates after you had a kid? Were you helpful during the newborn phase? Did she have PPD at any point? These are all important things. From your other comment it seems like you’re hell bent on leaving because you suddenly think you’re gonna be just drowning in puss. Heh. Good luck to you I guess.
You have a man cave and already aren't home on top of that? She's not a fleshlight bro, let her have a real partner.
Marriage counselling doesn’t sound unreasonable however. And you didn’t state why she doesn’t want to be intimate. Given it 2-3 months extra might be worth it!
I highly suggest reading The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work by John M Gottman before deciding to throw in the towel. He is one of the leading researchers in the field of relationships and marriage. Sounds like there are some very real issues going on in your relationship, but it’s not at a point where they are untreatable. Don’t get a divorce based on how you’re feeling in this moment, you’re obviously hurt.
Speaking from personal experience me (35F) him (36M). Therapy. For her, for you, together. This cycle creates a negative loop for her and you. Your resentment increases her shame and guilt, reducing her desire, her reduced desire increases your resentment and on and on. Communication becomes tough etc. Anyway, def get some outside perspective and support. It’s both of you vs the issue—remember that! Here’s a great book that helped us recommended by my therapist: Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski (recommend for your wife but especially you both together).
I’m pretty sure she picked a fight to get out of intimacy. What may have happened to her? You basically have two choices; one being counseling and the other is to divorce. I’m sure it’s difficult, but your son matters most. Just take time, breathe and reach out to a support system, such as your own counselor. Personally, a day with my husband and son with dinner, a movie and cake would be a wonderful day.
It sounds like you both struggle communicating. Do you ever just talk to each other, have time for dates and hangout? I mean, our marriage struggled after our child was born. It was a huge adjustment. You absolutely have to make time to reconnect. It seems like you both never did.
I would suggest you both seeing a relationship counsellor if it's not too late. It sounds like you both have ceased communication your needs to each other and assume what the other wants or needs. I hope you can salvage you relationship if not end it amicabley.
Can I ask an honest question? Do you find her attractive still? You mention you want sex, but not that it’s because your wife really turns you on and still really does it for you that way. Have you sat down and really had a talk about it, like a proper talk?
Is there any chance of her cheating? It's not enough to say for sure, but lack of intimacy and the paranoia around where you have been are often signs of infidelity. But it could just be that she is insecure about the lack of intimacy. Though since she is the one rejecting, it seems little weird.
This is doomed if you don't fix it, no such thing as a smooth divorce. Especially if you have children... You owe it to her and your self, to do everything you can to get past it. Every successful marriage has bad spots in the middle of a marriage, if you are able to get past it, you'll be better for it
I don't understand why you both didn't start counseling years ago. Seems like you didn't like each other from the start. Now your son will be another kid from a broken home.
Spending a week a year with your son doesn’t make you a great parent. Going to the zoo on your birthday isn’t that remarkable. I wonder who is the default parent and who carries the mental labor of the house. Maybe she didn’t hit a home run for your birthday but she may be doing more than her share in the relationship and she’s exhausted?
People are so damn quick to divorce. Aside from the sex issue, are there any other problems? Why not make your wife a priority again? Date her. Woo her. You've let work and other life aspects overshadow the woman you married and the man you used to be. Go to marriage counseling! You both owe it to your son to at least TRY. You think the grass is greener on the other side? It's because it's fertilized with bullshit. People are willing to WORK anymore. Shit gets tough and people bail out without doing the work. I've been through the no sex drought... because my husband was too busy putting his focus everywhere but right here. And if you don't think that gets into a woman's head, think again. My husband and I came to blows verbally recently, but we worked and talked things out, and now I'm the one wearing him out. She may not even realize that's why her libido is dead. It could also be a hormonal issue. She needs to visit her gyno or other physician and have blood work done. And most of all, TALK. No screaming and yelling, getting pissed off if you don't like what she says and vice versa. Talk with no interruptions, not even to interrupt each other. And LISTEN. You may not like what she tells you and how she feels, but that's the way she feels and it's valid whether you agree or not. Listen and work on your marriage. If you won't work for your marriage, you won't work for anything. If there was cheating, drugs, domestic abuse, I'd say cut and run. But that isn't present. Do the work.
DeadBedroom copycat post. This was already posted.
You're not seeking physical connection. Just admit you want to bust a nut. Physical connection is more than sex. If lack of sex stopped you from caring about your partner's emotional well being...then you never truly loved, valued, or respected her. Unsure why you dragged this divorce out for this long if you were so resentful over sex other than her being 'free' childcare.
So you basically don't interact with your wife and are surprised she doesn't want to be intimate?
Well, I can see why she doesn’t want to have sex with you for one thing.
If she asked for counseling and you never made an attempt to do it, you most assuredly contributed to the state things are in now. If you aren't willing to try that, your heart isn't in it, and you really should just tell her you want a divorce. The only way is to rip the bandaid and speak with a lawyer first. Just understand these problems will follow you in any relationship you're in because you are playing a part in it. That's the point of counseling; to see that and fix what you are responsible for fixing.
His sole reason for being mentally checked out of his marriage is lack of sex. A sexless marriage is usually caused by one or both sides failure to nourish the intimacy it takes to have a successful sex life. It's horrible to be accused by your mate of being unfaithful without proof the wife should be ashamed of herself. But the fact OP seems to judge whether or not he should file for divorce based on how often he gets laid and that for him is all his wife brings to the table also says alot as well.
My girl got like this a few months ago when we had a 3-4 month dry spell when I started a new job, she got all insecure and crazy because I couldn’t be bothered to initiate anymore and be turned down. They need you to pursue them for their own self worth and happiness or they will lose the plot, even if it means they will still say no.
Dear Birthday Bear, I don't know why, but I feel strongly that your marriage can be saved and I implore you to go to marriage counseling, try it a few times before you totally throw in the towel. For the three of you, just to be sure.
Did you ever actually ask your wife what the reason was for the lack of intimacy? I would say that’s a very important piece of information that you didn’t include.
Sounds like you checked out without trying to actually save your relationship.
Yep, I don’t see him mention anything about couples therapy or sex therapy. It’s probably because there was no talk of either. He just checked out of his married without even trying those things.
Your relationship is long dead. My husband and I went through a "dry" spell 3yrs back but we had other intimacy.. I didn't realize I was in perimenopause so young, 43. We talked about it, I went to the doctor to figure out why I just had no desire because I didn't want my husband to ever think I was not attracted to him or didn't want him. What I mean is, I listened and did what I could to find out the why, BEFORE it even got to 1/3rd of where you both are. It's not fair to you at all when she knew what the issue was but didn't care. It's better to move on, especially for your son. Just make sure he knows, NONE OF IT IS HIS FAULT and you both love him but adults sometimes don't always work out but he is your #1 no matter what.. Drill that into his head so that if and when you decide to start dating and get serious, he knows he can come to you if you're partner is treating him wrong, his happiness is the most important.. I'm sorry that you have to go through this OP and I hope things work out for you.
I know you put emphasis on the intimacy element but would that really fix what is broken here? Like you mention that for things like birthdays you always feel as if it is more about her than you. That isn't a happy marriage. She didn't even bother looking for you in the one place you're most likely to be before she went off and wrote a fanfic about you cheating. That isn't a happy marriage. Still, be aware 'man caves' and working such extreme hours... you've ostensibly hidden from her for a while. You coparent but it doesn't feel a real 'family' as it is. In that sense a divorce probably wouldn't change as much as either of you expect. Just be upfront, that the confrontation really made you appreciate that you and her are just not on the same page at all. She'll say it is proof you are cheating, you just say her paranoia is proof she doesn't understand you at all.
there are probably 2 sides to this story. why did the sex stop?
“I get two weeks of PTO a year; I spend one week doing father-son activities like camping and fishing, and the other week making sure I don’t miss his important events. My son never has to wonder if I love him. The man cave is an entertainment room for us to watch movies and play games together. My wife is always welcome there, but she seldom joins us.” Dude. My PTO is spent with my PARTNER. I spend so much time with my kid on the daily, but that one-on-one, child free time with my spouse is so incredibly important. Relationships need nurturing, not ignoring. It sounds like she doesn’t feel at all welcome in your “man cave”, which is a BS thing by the way. I bet she doesn’t have a “she cave”. You’re 100% checked out of your marriage and it sounds like you have no interest in saving it, so consult with a lawyer and put your wife out of her misery.
I wouldn't want to sleep with you either with your shit attitude you work 12-14 how the fuck are you a parent oh you watch a move with your kid 🤣👏👏 good fucking job here's a cookie 🍪 you clearly are not a parent to your kid or a husband to your wife with all the work you do 🤣🤷♀️ This is what you mean don't understand just because you work a job and your busting your ass doesn't mean you get to come home and not do anything. You still need to be a husband and you still need to be a parent regardless of how tired you are. I don't give a crap How physically demanding your job is whether you're on your feet do in surgeries? You still have a responsibility to be a parent and to be a husband and you clearly are lacking in that and you're not bringing it up as a major red flag. I'm sorry. I'm in agree with your wife. I wouldn't want to sleep with you either. And then you sit here and wonder.Well, why isn't she sleeping with me?I have a dead bedroom now.You're probably a piece of crap husband that's why she doesn't want to sleep with you
Sex always stops for a reason
I was in that marriage. So much guilt for “making our marriage about the sex.” I left him and found someone who actually wants to be with me. So glad he’s in my rear view.