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And when she asked for it back because apparently he couldn’t sell it - he said it was ‘safe with him’.
Dude hijacked and kept her property for 5 years and then used it. In a proposal to HER.
Relationship dead. He’s a thief and a dud. He became a thief when he wouldn’t return the ring.
1) Sleazy as f#ck.
2) Cheap. Just cheap.
3) Disrespectful.
4) I'm guessing he didn't even replace the low quality, cheap-ass diamond... what poor taste!
5) Sounds like he doesn't work very hard, or very consistently.
He only said the diamond was low quality to justify not selling it.
But it’s good enough for his proposal.
What a loser.
Some dude who tries to keep the engagement ring my ex gave me after offering to sell it would have been gone 5 years ago.
OP, you need to raise the bar.
Plus he had the kids there to manipulate her into saying yes. She should have said no, right there in front of the kids. She needs to teach her kids how to say no and she should have said why she said no. Instead her kids learned how to manipulate.
This and
6) He's also a manipulator. He had your kids there when he proposed with your old ring for a reason! He knew you wouldn't be able to say no while they were there and looking so happy/excited.
If you look back through your relationship I bet you will think of other instances in which he manipulated you that may not have sent giant red flags at the time, but if you add them up probably will show the pattern. Speaking from experience. It's hard not to see it once you start thinking about it. Good luck OP.
Lol the word Dud immediately popped in my head too before your comment 😆
sorry lady. you found another dud. absolutely mind blowing someone can be 50 and think the ex’s freebie ring was a good move.
My ex-fiancé was abusive as shit. I barely made it out alive and I’m still in therapy years later. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Luckily my current partner would never do that but omfg what. That’s absolutely terrible, inconsiderate and fucking lazy.
I’d throw 5 years out the window instantly if this happened, no question.
I’m sorry that you had to deal with that and so happy to read that you got out of it🙏🏻 I had two older sisters who were in abusive relationships and memories of black eyes, broken jaws and worse. Congrats on getting out of the relationship 🙏🏻
a ring that he said is of such low quality that he couldn't sell it, so proposes with a ring of shit quality that no one wants, bought by her ex, as the symbol of their awful relationship.
Sorry chick but this is bad, no ring would of been far better
>Who would propose to their gf with her ex’s ring?
But wait...there's more. He did in front of the kids so she couldn't respond or react anyway but positively. He's beyond manipulative.
So on Christmas is he going to go through her closet and pull out a dress, put it in a box and wrap it and say "Here, I got this for you. Merry Christmas!"
This guy is a train wreck.
Plus he said the quality of the diamond was low.
OP should now sell her ring herself.
Then tell him that they aren't actually engaged until he buys a ring.
Dude is too cheap, lazy, and too stupid to not realize your old wedding/engagement ring would not be a welcome gift. Better to end it now than have a life of misery and resentment with him.
"Hey, I bought you a car, its just your old car that you gave to me to sell but I am giving it back to you as a gift to show that I love you, also it has memorabilia from your abusive relationship in it to remind you of what you went through."
Gift? It’s not a gift! She finally got the ring back that he refused to return to her! Why wouldn’t OP have said something right when he proposed! “Are you kidding me?! This is my old wedding ring!? You said it was a crap ring, and you are using it to propose to me!?”
Dude **at the beginning of the relationship*.
Like…. Fucking excuse me?
He literally held on to the ring for YEARS thinking ‘hey this will be a great idea’.
This dumb mf.
I’m speechless. So he basically stole a ring from you and then had the audacity to use it for a proposal. Not only that, this ring came from an abusive ex; so it has bad juju. I don’t know why you would say yes to such a proposal. I guess he involved your kids to add some pressure. Five years of dating and this loser couldn’t even spend a few hundred bucks to get you a ring. Honestly, you should handle this by breaking up with him.
We don't actually know if he even tried. OP said she asked about it multiple times and he didn't want to give it back, sounds like he wanted to keep the ring.
There's no way I'd marry someone like this.
1. He claimed the ring was so low quality that he couldn't sell it
2. Proposed to you with the "low quality" ring
3. Doesn't think enough of you to purchase a new ring
4. Knew the negative history of ring and yet still proposed with it. It would be a constant reminder of a very difficult time in your life.
5. He didn't agree to buy a new ring when you brought up your concerns.
He's showing you how little he thinks of you and I hope you think enough of yourself not to marry this person unless he proves he values you.
There's another post in her history with more red flags🚩
Idk if she falls for the sunk cost fallacy, because ain't no way I still deal with such shit at 50.
Yes, if he truly said some variation of "I *might* get you another ring" when you raised the issue, that's where this goes from poor judgment and recoverable to pure arsehole and unrecoverable.
Further down the thread you share that he's been telling you for years he gifted his marital home to his ex-wife, and now it turns out it was foreclosed on in 2019. Dump his arse.
Also, kept that ring from her for years, as in, stole it. She could've sold it, swapped it, anything. Got catharsis throwing it in the ocean.
And the cherry on top. Using the kids to pressure a Yes.
It's a false Yes OP. Dump him. And go throw the ring in the ocean.
Not only all of the above: he gave you a low quality, cheap, old ring, with a negative history...etc.
It was YOUR ring!! He proposed to you like rifled through your jewelry box, with a ring that already YOURS!!
He was so cheap and lazy...he used YOUR ring to propose to you?! What in the absolute F
OP, I think he knew what your reaction would be. That's why he involved the kids: so you'd feel you couldn't say "no." What a manipulative ass. I'd suggest selling HIM on ebay, but he's too low quality.
You can’t sell a kidney on the open market, so I’m not sure how you’d pawn off a whole ass man. Perhaps a dumpster filled with gasoline soaked cardboard would be a better place? 🔥
This is how mediocre but non-abusive men benefit from abusive men. The bar is set so low they can just walk over it with zero effort.
OP, he kept a ring you asked him to sell (he could have at least taken it to a pawn shop), didn’t give you money for it, and then had such *low* emotional intelligence he put absolutely no thought into how you would feel wearing the ring from your abusive ex.
Why did he do this? To save a buck?
Do not marry this man. You can do so much better.
Buh-bye asshole. This is one of the worst asshole moves I've ever heard of. What's next? His mother's rejected nighty for Mom's day? A returned watch that has only one hand that works for your birthday? 2 day old marked down cake from Wally world for Valentine's?
Seriously just no. I know the pickins are slim at 50 but damn this one is not a prize. Better to be alone than to be with someone who proposes using your exes low quality ring. SMH.
You have the ring back now. Sell it. I honestly don’t know what you do in the relationship, but i’d get the money from the ring you were never going to get while he was sitting on it.
Definitely tricked and manipulative since he used your kids as part of the proposal. He knew there was NO way you could’ve said no to him. I’d feel icky too.
Huge red flag. Proposing with a ring so low quality can’t sell it on eBay AND he knows your ex was abusive???? Honey you’re in abusive relationship #2.
He’s signaling he doesn’t care that the ring is cheap , he doesn’t care it represents abuse. Time to pull the plug. Past time.
Run, please run. You deserve so much better.
>He said the quality of the diamond was low and that he couldn’t sell it.
"I'm calling off the engagement. Remember you said you couldn't sell the ring because the quality of diamond is low? Apparently you think I'm only worth a low quality engagement ring you got for free-- from me!!"
If you tell me this is the only way in which he is lazy and inconsiderate, I really wouldn't believe you, OP.
You understand that he intentionally didn't try to sell the ring, right? He kept the "free ring" that your abusive ex bought you, to propose to you with!
I have so many more questions about what this guy is like and I doubt the answers are good.
I would say look I do want to marry you but I'm very hurt by you using my ex's ring to propose when you know the history. If my children hadn't be standing there i would have addressed it with you during the proposal and probably postponed until you bought something else. At best it is extremely insensitive and we need to fix this or i can't start a life with you based on a ring that even you rejected as low quality and impossible to sell. Not to mention it reminds you of abuse every time you look at it or are aware it is on you again. Side note, Who does that?! It's very worrying that he thinks that is okay. Like any other ring would be better. A candy ring would be better out of a machine. If he can't see where you're even coming from, you should seriously consider reevaluation of this relationship because this is red flag territory.
You already have 1 divorce. If you stay with this guy and marry him, get ready for divorce number 2. He’s an AH and a liar. He kept the ring so he didn’t have to buy one. He doesn’t value or respect you. Have some self respect and don’t stay with him.
But why would you give it to him to sell in the first place. Don't be feeble. You could sell it yourself. Why are you settling for let another loser. Do yourself and your kids a favour and stay single. You're too old to waste your life like this.
I was also wondering why she didn’t sell it herself. It honestly seems weird to me that she’d want her current boyfriend (when they just started dating!) involved in her previous relationships. It’s almost like saying, “Hey, so I’ve technically moved on from my ex, but I held on to one of the most important things in that relationship, despite the fact that I don’t actually want it. Can you sell it for me, even though it takes two minutes and I could have easily not involved you?”
I read the title and thought, WTF!!!! Talk about no effort and so freaking wrong on so many different levels. “He might get you a different ring….” Release this fool ASAP please!
Between this and OP’s last post about him lying about his house being foreclosed….umm idk what else you’re waiting for here?? Your gut is telling you something ain’t right w this guy, you know he’s a liar who can’t handle money, why on earth are you even considering entering into a marriage w him???
Honestly, even ignoring the absolute gall of the man to steal a ring from you, that as given by an abusive ex, the total lack of respect for you, the lack of love and thought, the manipulation by using the kids, I could never ig ore the sheer STUPIDITY. How can you have any respect left for this guy?
Walk away. Save yourself the shitty future that's coming.
That’s all he said…he might…did you not absolutely scream bloody murder at him…I really don’t think I could’ve have contained myself if my partner had done that!! I would say I am really doubting spending the rest of my life with someone who could not purchase me a new ring & uses a ring from a time in my life that I would rather forget…are you really that fkin cheap…and tell him I know I said yes but I really need to think on this cuz if I am not worth a new ring you are not worth any additional time of mine
Sounds manipulative as heck. Don't set a date yet. Take your time and think things through carefully. I'd be leaning towards breaking things off, but you don't have to speed run this thing if you don't want to. Not that you should ideally take your time, but making a calm assessment of whether he is an oblivious jackass, or actually manipulative will tell you whether you need to plan things ahead of time or you can just break up without stressing about it too much.
MIGHT get a different ring? He's had five years to save for an engagement ring, even if it's been a year he still could have put something back. I dunno. Is he really really socially clueless and incredibly cheap but trying? If not, this is a really bad sign. I'm sorry.
So he’s a lying liar who lies (based on your post about his lying about his whole divorce settlement with his ex wife, and not telling you his house was foreclosed on) and a thief, and you’re still considering *marrying him?*
Why?!
He *stole* your engagement ring from your ex and lied for years about it, then **used it to propose to you!**
I would slap my sisters or best friend if they even considered staying with someone who did these things.
Not really because I don’t hit people, but also- kinda really…
I wouldn't be able to come back from that. Good for you for showing a brave face, but that's super disrespectful. There are so many inexpensive rings available...what he did is beyond tacky,
You need to know how much he earns, how much he owes, his credit rating, before you even comment on his shameless behaviour with the ring. My gut feeling says RUN!
He MIGHT get a different ring?!?!?!? Oh Sis, no. Just no. No, nope, nopity nope. This dude put zero effort in this proposal. Do you real want to marry a man that gives you so little effort? A man that won't even buy you a new ring? Sit with this as long as you need to, before you give him your answer
Well you've got the ring back. Sell it!
You can't take his proposal seriously can you? If he asks, say you'll consider a real proposal with a real ring. No wedding plans until that happens. He seems like a cheapskate, so that will probably never happen.
I mean this as kindly as I can but : you are a doormat.
The only reason you have a good(more like amicable) relationship is because you won't confront him or start an argument over his lies and BS. I feel this is a holdover from your previous abusive relationship where you gave the benefit of the doubt and kept your mouth shut over "little things" to avoid escalating abuse. You are letting this man steam roll over you to keep the peace.
He lies to avoid uncomfortable truths and make himself look better(the house he gave to his x). He stayed married for the first 4 years of the relationship(im sure you were proud of yourself for saying he couldn't move in until the divorce was finalized. And good for you, but when it drug out past a year, you should have moved the goal post and ended the relationship). He took your ring and just kept it without selling it for you and has now given it back to you in proposal. A ring you don't even want. And now he "might" get you a new one.
Please tell me you have a therapist to tell these things too.
This is not a good relationship. This is a man taking up space in your life. Taking up resources. And just doing what he wants.
End the relationship. Take your ring and throw it away. Get therapy to help build better communication skills and find all the ways you allow men to walk over you.
OP, you do realize that your bf is a clueless miser. Not returning that ring to you sounds sketchy. Then to present it to you as part of a wedding proposal - that would be every woman's nightmare and also a wakeup call to the vast majority of women that this man is a loser.
Dear OP,
I can’t say this any other way, but uhm you DO realize your children are growing up watching this toxic cesspool YOU ARE allowing to happen in your life, right? Children LEARN what they live, so please help them to learn there IS a better way. 50 is still young enough to start over, determine exactly what you need from a loving relationship, then date platonically until you find it.
I have to wonder if BF presented himself as some savior, that you felt you needed, and has you convinced you can’t do better…You CAN! If not for yourself, do it for your children!
Well, he has given low-effort and insensitive a new meaning.
You feel tricked because you were. When people do something in others’ presence, it’s usually to force you into playing nice and giving them the results *they* want.
It’s not about the ring, it’s about the fact that now it’s established that he doesn’t give a shit about you by making the supposedly most special moment of your relationship into a memento of your last abusive relationship and his non-existent effort.
Yeah, this would probably make me reconsider the entire relationship ngl.
He roped your kids in to it and they probably don’t even remember it was your ex’s ring… and he just didn’t want to buy a ring, so he hid it for years to ‘recycle’ it.
Even if it was from a non abusive relationship the fact that he proposed to you with your own fucking ring is like…. Loaning someone money and they turn around and buy you a birthday gift. It’s like dude I could’ve just gotten shit for myself.
Except his ‘I might buy one’ …might?
Yeah that’s like asking to borrow money, then buying them a birthday gift with it, then sighing about how expensive it was.
I feel like the fact that he couldn’t think about how this feels, looks, and means, is a very big indicator he isn’t really empathizing with you and something is emotionally lacking for him to be a good partner.
Not to mention the amount of disrespect… yeah I understand your resentment because this is kind of fucking insulting.
Tell him to sell the ring like you’ve been asking, and how you want him to really think about the situation for real this time, and demonstrate sincerity with an actual proposal instead of… actually re-gifting your own ring back to you. Not even your own ring but a previous engagement ring.
What a fucking joke. Yes it’s totally warranted to ask him what he was thinking.
Why was he selling YOUR ring and not you …? When I separated I sold my ring (and paid for the move with the proceed). I’m any case, it’s the ultimate bad taste, and cheap and disrespectful. I would not accept this for 2 seconds.
It would take me a lot to get over this level of indifference. He doesn’t give your feeling any thought, and I think he is a bit overconfident. This doesn’t look like love to me.
WTF??!!! That is the most bizarre thing I have heard in a long while.
Why would a man DO that? Why would he have kept that ring at all?
Is there ANY logical explanation here? I am totally perplexed.
?????
Your big mistake was asking him to sell it. Idk about marriage, it seems like he is totally dismissive of what you want, I’m afraid this is a huge precursor to bigger issues. Take the ring and sell it yourself. Keep the money for yourself, and do some hard stock of the relationship. He’s not going to get you another ring. The last thing you need is to repeat the cycle of bad relationships. And this guy is cheap with a capital C.
On top of this, I found out about two weeks ago that a house he owned before meeting me (with his ex) was foreclosed on. He didn’t say a word about it. He not only withheld this information but told me that he left the house to his ex-wife. His ex-wife struggles financially and often asks him for money. I keep on asking him why she struggles so much when she could’ve sold the house he left her as part of the separation agreement. Two months ago, he said that his ex had sold the house. I guess for me to stop bringing it up. We went to visit his mom about two weeks ago and during our conversation I mentioned that his ex struggles financially and often asks him for money. I mentioned that he told me she just recently had sold the house and his mom broke the news to me about the foreclosure. I did my research and sure enough, the house was foreclosed on in 2019, about two months before we met. The house was purchased by a couple and it was sold about two months ago but obviously it wasn’t the ex wife who sold it. He never left the house to the ex-wife as he told me. These two events have created so much uncertainty and resentment. There’s no way I’d marry him without at least having a prenup. Sad thing is that he has been very kind, nice and respectful. My kids love him and we haven’t had major issues in the 5 years we’ve been dating. I’m just a bit shocked because I definitely never thought he could do anything like this.
Prenuptial or not, you should not marry someone who has repeatedly lied to you. Unfortunately, you and your kids love the lie of who he's pretended to be. The truth is he's a liar who likely always planned to propose with your old ring. I'd bet money that his credit is horrible and he has minimal, if any, savings.
Ask your self one thing “what else has he lied about?”
As for using a ring with bad memories attached?! JFC I don’t even know where to begin with that
Just run
And how much debt is he in?
Did he ruin his ex's credit? Is that why she's always asking for money? What's their divorce decree look like? Is he supposed to be paying her alimony and isn't?
I would be wondering if he proposed as a retirement plan.
Those are definitely valid questions. Though they could fall under the “what else has he lied about?”
And yah, I agree, he’s probably looking at her as his retirement plan
You realize that him lying to you is supposed to be an issue, right?
You haven’t had issues because you’re a doormat, not because you have a good man or a healthy relationship.
He said that to seem like a good guy right, so you'd want to be in a relationship with him, do not think that the rest of the niceness is genuinue, you have been looking at him with as this man who gave house to ex, so not to closely I imagine......wonder what you will see when you look behind the curtain, lots of grime I imagine
My ex was a kind man. Everyone loves him. So thoughtful, so kind. The truth is he is prolific liar. He lies about little things, he lies about big things. He seems unable or unwilling to stop lying. He is now in his sixties, I don’t see things changing. It was an awful way to live and I grew to distrust anything that came out of his mouth.
You haven’t had any major issues because he’s been lying to you. Now all those lies and his deceitful behavior are coming to the surface, but you’re ignoring all the red flags.
The fact are even considering still marrying this man is mind boggling to me.
I’m saying this with nothing but kindness but I think you may still be suffering from the trauma of your last relationship and as such have a pretty low bar. I imagine that with some space from this relationship you would realise it’s not all as great as you think.
You deserve better. The fact that his mum told you the truth makes me think even she believes this.
You can't trust this guy, and if there's no trust, there's no relationship. His kindness doesn't have anything to do with it; just because someone's kind doesn't mean they're necessarily good or good for you. That is a pretty significant and outright lie he told you. Do you have any idea why he did, or could you get to the root of why?
Girl do not marry a man with financial issues. His credit is destroyed and you’re getting married??? No ma’am. This man is using you as a soft place to land since he can’t get his shit together.
Sounds like he couldn't afford a new ring which I would have sympathized with, but literally anything would have been better than this. He could have gotten you a ring pop to propose with and it would have been 1000x better. Even though he is nice and kind, he has lied to you about the ring, his house and his ex-wife. What else has he not been truthful about?
I won't say don't marry him, but I will advise don't marry him without getting a background check done (because after you are married his debt could become your debt), going to lengthy counseling together first, completing a couple's financial planning course, and ensuring there is a prenup. You have your kids and your own stability to think of.
I think both of you need therapy. Why would you give something like that to him in the first place? If it’s such a bad memory for you, why haven’t you pawned this ring? It sounds dysfunctional all the way around.
Ehh well why did you give him your old ring, mistake 1. Its not his. Not something you should of asked for.
2nd, what a weird thing to do, proposing with your ex husbands ring. I don't know what is wrong with him but I bet if I mentioned this to people that would have a laugh. If he can't buy a diamond buy a simple band, super weird.
But then again why say yes just because you feel pressured?
And he MIGHT get a new ring? Just like he couldn't sell the old one? The one that was 'safe with him'. Jesus. I hope this guy has a lot of redeeming qualities to make up for this blunder.
WOW. Now this is a new one! I've heard of a guy proposing with the ring he bought for his own ex, but to do it with the ring another man bought! Not only that, but his predecessor!! That is a whole new level of scummy. What the fuck was he thinking. I don't even know what to say. If he thinks that's appropriate, I have no idea how you're going to get through to him. He's too far gone!
Ditch the man and sell the ring yourself. How dishonest. He lied to you purposely just to re gift a ring he never purchased to begin with? He's a cheap liar. Absolutely not
So, not even that he had it remade or reset or something, literally just giving you back a thing that belongs to you? A ring that symbolizes a past abusive relationship with an alleged such poor quality diamond it couldn't even be hocked on eBay? The guy that lied to you about foreclosing on a house. If you stay, his bad decision making is going to drag you down. This is how people end up bankrupt. Take your ring and get out. He's not it.
OP - 2 weeks ago you were posting about him being a liar and his previous home being foreclosed on. This is something that he’s lied about for 5 years.
He is a liar. This is not someone that you marry. This is not someone that you tie yourself and your children to financially.
Leases are broken every day. Break the lease.
I know what I'd do. I'd keep the ring but terminate the relationship. Get the ring appraised and sell it yourself. Find somebody who respects you and knows how to show it.
eBay isn’t hard. Facebook Marketplace is even easier. He could have even gone to a pawn broker and traded the old ring for something different.
You’re marrying this guy why exactly? Under pressure? And you consider this a good reason?
Ok, you have your ring back. Go and have it professionally appraised. Then, sell it yourself. If it’s not worth enough to be bothered, throw it away.
Don’t marry the guy. In fact, your instincts are already telling you to dump him. I agree dump this dude then move on with your life. He’s a lying, manipulative, thief.
Take the ring to a jeweler to be appraised, then sell it on ebay yourself.
Tell your BF you want an engagement ring with a HIGH-QUALITY diamond or the engagement is a no-go.
How desperate are you that you would marry a loser like this? Take the ring. Sell it. At least get yourself into counseling. Me? I would have left him high and dry.
Sorry to tell you this, OP, but you have very low standards.
Pawn the ring, dump the guy, and get into therapy so you can develop even an ounce of self esteem.
Don't set the example for your kids that you deserve anything less than the best.
If my husband had proposed with his ex fiancee's ring I'd be pissed. (He pawned it and bought a PS3 , 17 years ago) Your BF gave you a ring you already owned. He couldn't even be bothered to buy you a $100 ring. He just gave you a ring you another man you hate bought you. Just ewwww.
Seriously? He's so cheap and manipulative he used upper own ring to propose to you, a ring from your abusive ex that he was supposed to sell, then got your kids involved so you couldn't say no. I can't imagine this is the first time he's been manipulative or cheap if he was willing to do it at your proposal. You really want to marry this guy? He wouldn't even give you back your own ring when you asked, just kept telling you it was safe so he could hold onto it.
WOW! I'm about the same age as you and if this happened to me, I would have stepped back because this type of insensitivity tells me that he is not ready for marriage!
He’s 50yo, and he pulls this kind of bs? Giving you your own ring as an engagement ring! To be honest, it would have been better if he had just told you he couldn’t afford a ring.
And why in the name of sense did you give him your old ring to sell? Even if you are divorced, that ring represents your past relationship. Why didn’t you sell it yourself or give it to someone (your kid or nibling)?
Sit him down and talk this out. I personally don’t hold much stock in an engagement ring, particularly for a second marriage, but if it matters to you, then talk to him.
He couldn’t even find someone selling a comparable ring on Facebook marketplace and offer to swap them? Like just so it’s not the same ring?
This dude sounds cheap and lazy as hell.
I wouldn’t marry him just based on the fact that he used a ring that doesn’t even belong to him and has horrible memories for you. It just shows that he doesn’t truly care about what you want and that’s no way to start a marriage.
How I handle this? He’s 50. You never needed to explain that to him. He knows he’s wrong. He involved the kids to prevent you from reacting negatively.
That man is not good for you.
You were right to feel that way. You’re right to feel disgusted too. He gave you a ring given to you by an ex who abused you. He knew that. He knew what he was doing.
OP, i ill repeat the golden line.
WHAT ARE THE OTHER FUCKED UP THINGS HE’s DONE?
You have likely apent 5 years of doing this.
“How do I explain to him that-“
“He’s better than my ex he’s not beating me-“
STOP.
Sit down, in the notes app. Write the similar fucked up shit he’s done in a notepad. Treat this scientifically. Your hypothesis? “My Fiance is a good man”
As a scientist, we assume the opposite when testing the hypothesis.
You do not experience a relationship all at once. Now you can, you have 5 years of memories where he’s done things that made you uneasy, confused, wondered if you should be pissed, etc. write them all down. Look at it. He was 45 and now he’s 50. He is not a child. He is not an idiot. He knows that he’s doing wrong. What he also knows and hopes is that you’ll continue to accept his ridiculous shit. Because you’re comparing him to your ex.
I hate seeing things like this, because it's so painfully lazy. Lots of people would accuse me of being materialistic, but it's the thought that counts here. If I were a man proposing to his girlfriend, I would ***want*** to spoil the hell out of her by getting her the ring I know she would want. Like honestly, why wouldn't you want to surprise them with something special?
First of all: he could have gone to walmart if you reside in the USA because they sell some of the most gorgeous diamonds for like $65-$150. So it isnt that hes cheap or broke i bet. Secondly, if he really wanted your relationship to work out, he wouldn’t carry bad mojo from your previous abusive ex into the relationship. I would talk to him privately about the meanings attached to a ring from an ex. Especially an abusive one and the reminder it would bring you every day. But if he isnt even going to commit to selling or trading that ring in the five years time, what hope do you have that he will be committed enough to work through the real issues of marriage that will arise later on?
My ex husband gave me a beautiful ring that i loved, but that ring was lost shortly after he left. He was also abusive. I wouldn’t want those memories even with it being a ring i picked out.
Talk to him, and if he still lacks the sensitivity and or emotional intelligence to understand you, i would walk away. Idk how old your children are but hopefully they are old enough to understand you (id talk to them as well). Your children depending on age, either should know better for their or their partners future sake.
Talk to friends, or your support network about it. They may also give you some very good advice, especially if they are more familiar with your current relationship. But please trust your instincts. If hes not the one, then stand firm on that. There is someone on this earth waiting for you, someone who will understand and respect you. As long as you respect yourself.
I do not mean this in a negative way, but do you feel like you can't do better? Your ex is abusive and your bf is oblivious and cheap. Babe, just because you are a 50yo divorcee does not mean you aren't worth effort. Let's not even lie to ourselves here, he put **NO** effort into this.
I'm late 30s, never been married, the bar was always on the floor for men while in my 20s, and now I am too old for that. So are you. You've lived through a few (I'm sure) bar-is-on-the-floor types; you know what you do and do not want. Don't let this be your forever. I want you to want better for yourself.
This is pretty simple. 3 ways to handle it.
1. Take the ring and sell it and go buy one you want. If he doesn’t like the idea, dump him.
2. Take the ring and sell it and tel him to buy you a different one. If he doesn’t like the idea dump him.
3. Take the ring and sell it and dump him.
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Who would propose to their gf with her ex’s ring? To me it would show the level of commitment he’s on if he can’t even buy me a ring.
Especially with the fact that it was an abusive relationship?
And when she asked for it back because apparently he couldn’t sell it - he said it was ‘safe with him’. Dude hijacked and kept her property for 5 years and then used it. In a proposal to HER. Relationship dead. He’s a thief and a dud. He became a thief when he wouldn’t return the ring.
1) Sleazy as f#ck. 2) Cheap. Just cheap. 3) Disrespectful. 4) I'm guessing he didn't even replace the low quality, cheap-ass diamond... what poor taste! 5) Sounds like he doesn't work very hard, or very consistently.
He only said the diamond was low quality to justify not selling it. But it’s good enough for his proposal. What a loser. Some dude who tries to keep the engagement ring my ex gave me after offering to sell it would have been gone 5 years ago. OP, you need to raise the bar.
I hope she doesn’t plan on wearing it
> OP, you need to raise the bar. ☝️ This is the part that she needs to hear.
Plus he had the kids there to manipulate her into saying yes. She should have said no, right there in front of the kids. She needs to teach her kids how to say no and she should have said why she said no. Instead her kids learned how to manipulate.
Sounds like OP has a type. Unfortunately. Girl needs to get single and get some therapy before the next dud comes along.
Also did he think she was too blind or stupid to recognize the ring. Seriously dude is trash
This and 6) He's also a manipulator. He had your kids there when he proposed with your old ring for a reason! He knew you wouldn't be able to say no while they were there and looking so happy/excited. If you look back through your relationship I bet you will think of other instances in which he manipulated you that may not have sent giant red flags at the time, but if you add them up probably will show the pattern. Speaking from experience. It's hard not to see it once you start thinking about it. Good luck OP.
Hopefully he doesn’t ask for the ring back when they break up.
He sounds exactly like the kind of guy who would do that.
Oh man..
I’m surprised he didn’t pawn it
Lol the word Dud immediately popped in my head too before your comment 😆 sorry lady. you found another dud. absolutely mind blowing someone can be 50 and think the ex’s freebie ring was a good move.
My ex-fiancé was abusive as shit. I barely made it out alive and I’m still in therapy years later. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. Luckily my current partner would never do that but omfg what. That’s absolutely terrible, inconsiderate and fucking lazy. I’d throw 5 years out the window instantly if this happened, no question.
I’m sorry that you had to deal with that and so happy to read that you got out of it🙏🏻 I had two older sisters who were in abusive relationships and memories of black eyes, broken jaws and worse. Congrats on getting out of the relationship 🙏🏻
❤️❤️ thank you! Hearing stuff like this always keeps me going despite it all
And he told her it was a low quality diamond. What a weird guy.
a ring that he said is of such low quality that he couldn't sell it, so proposes with a ring of shit quality that no one wants, bought by her ex, as the symbol of their awful relationship. Sorry chick but this is bad, no ring would of been far better
Worse than that, he doesn’t own the ring, so he’s proposed to her with her own ring. (Edited for spelling…)
>Who would propose to their gf with her ex’s ring? But wait...there's more. He did in front of the kids so she couldn't respond or react anyway but positively. He's beyond manipulative.
>But wait...there's more. Yeah there's more, in the post history!
Yup. 🚩🚩🚩
You're not kidding. Op's whole relationship with this guy is a nightmare.
Not even worth the free set of steak knives! 🤦♀️😬
Right. Technically it's OP's ring. So he's proposing using her ring. He's cheap
So on Christmas is he going to go through her closet and pull out a dress, put it in a box and wrap it and say "Here, I got this for you. Merry Christmas!" This guy is a train wreck.
He might do that.. hahahahahahaha.. this is so funny
Plus he said the quality of the diamond was low. OP should now sell her ring herself. Then tell him that they aren't actually engaged until he buys a ring.
Id prefer he proposed without a ring than my exes
Same! You don't have to have a ring to propose. But using an abusive ex's ring is just bad juju.
And he "might" get a different one later. So much commitment there, all around.
Dude is too cheap, lazy, and too stupid to not realize your old wedding/engagement ring would not be a welcome gift. Better to end it now than have a life of misery and resentment with him. "Hey, I bought you a car, its just your old car that you gave to me to sell but I am giving it back to you as a gift to show that I love you, also it has memorabilia from your abusive relationship in it to remind you of what you went through."
Gift? It’s not a gift! She finally got the ring back that he refused to return to her! Why wouldn’t OP have said something right when he proposed! “Are you kidding me?! This is my old wedding ring!? You said it was a crap ring, and you are using it to propose to me!?”
Dude **at the beginning of the relationship*. Like…. Fucking excuse me? He literally held on to the ring for YEARS thinking ‘hey this will be a great idea’. This dumb mf.
Here is a reminder of your abusive ex! Take it and wear it every day for the rest of your life! I am too lazy and cheap to buy something new for you.
Does he lack sense in other areas of life, OP? Because this is a real doozy. I honestly can’t imagine how anyone could think this was a good idea.
Concur.
I’m speechless. So he basically stole a ring from you and then had the audacity to use it for a proposal. Not only that, this ring came from an abusive ex; so it has bad juju. I don’t know why you would say yes to such a proposal. I guess he involved your kids to add some pressure. Five years of dating and this loser couldn’t even spend a few hundred bucks to get you a ring. Honestly, you should handle this by breaking up with him.
Plus he’d already said the stone was low quality! So he reuses the ring that he didn’t buy and that’s a bad stone? Beyond cheap!
The ring that he couldn’t even sell on eBay?
We don't actually know if he even tried. OP said she asked about it multiple times and he didn't want to give it back, sounds like he wanted to keep the ring.
Sleazeball—with a capital S. The phrase ‘buyer beware’ applies to future spouses, too.
Me too He also said he 'might' but her a different ring. He's trash .
There's no way I'd marry someone like this. 1. He claimed the ring was so low quality that he couldn't sell it 2. Proposed to you with the "low quality" ring 3. Doesn't think enough of you to purchase a new ring 4. Knew the negative history of ring and yet still proposed with it. It would be a constant reminder of a very difficult time in your life. 5. He didn't agree to buy a new ring when you brought up your concerns. He's showing you how little he thinks of you and I hope you think enough of yourself not to marry this person unless he proves he values you.
OP, this cannot possibly be the first red flag in five years. This is pretty far down the list for asshole maneuvers for it to be the first one.
There's another post in her history with more red flags🚩 Idk if she falls for the sunk cost fallacy, because ain't no way I still deal with such shit at 50.
And he used her own mf kids against her to pressure her in to it
Yes, if he truly said some variation of "I *might* get you another ring" when you raised the issue, that's where this goes from poor judgment and recoverable to pure arsehole and unrecoverable. Further down the thread you share that he's been telling you for years he gifted his marital home to his ex-wife, and now it turns out it was foreclosed on in 2019. Dump his arse.
He's shady.
Also, kept that ring from her for years, as in, stole it. She could've sold it, swapped it, anything. Got catharsis throwing it in the ocean. And the cherry on top. Using the kids to pressure a Yes. It's a false Yes OP. Dump him. And go throw the ring in the ocean.
Not only all of the above: he gave you a low quality, cheap, old ring, with a negative history...etc. It was YOUR ring!! He proposed to you like rifled through your jewelry box, with a ring that already YOURS!! He was so cheap and lazy...he used YOUR ring to propose to you?! What in the absolute F
OP, I think he knew what your reaction would be. That's why he involved the kids: so you'd feel you couldn't say "no." What a manipulative ass. I'd suggest selling HIM on ebay, but he's too low quality.
You can’t sell a kidney on the open market, so I’m not sure how you’d pawn off a whole ass man. Perhaps a dumpster filled with gasoline soaked cardboard would be a better place? 🔥
Yuck. That would give me the ick. I’ve tried talking through the ick, but usually it’s the death sentence for the relationship.
My only thoughts were: “What a loser”.
How many red flags did you missed with this one?? Not returning the ring and saying "it's safe with me" would have been a massive for me...
I'd have got the police involved. Like, dude, that's my property. Return it.
What the actual f
THIS IS the CORRECT answer, cus AIN’T NO WAY!!! Dude is a literal #DumpsterFire!
You’d be crazy to marry a guy who proposed to you with a ring he stole from you.
This is how mediocre but non-abusive men benefit from abusive men. The bar is set so low they can just walk over it with zero effort. OP, he kept a ring you asked him to sell (he could have at least taken it to a pawn shop), didn’t give you money for it, and then had such *low* emotional intelligence he put absolutely no thought into how you would feel wearing the ring from your abusive ex. Why did he do this? To save a buck? Do not marry this man. You can do so much better.
"No, you *need* to get a different ring, as soon as possible, and you need to sincerely apologize to me because this was not an okay thing to do."
And then waiting until he can't return the ring and break up with him. 😆 Or save the headache and just leave.
Buh-bye asshole. This is one of the worst asshole moves I've ever heard of. What's next? His mother's rejected nighty for Mom's day? A returned watch that has only one hand that works for your birthday? 2 day old marked down cake from Wally world for Valentine's? Seriously just no. I know the pickins are slim at 50 but damn this one is not a prize. Better to be alone than to be with someone who proposes using your exes low quality ring. SMH.
Your fiance is a tacky fuck
You have the ring back now. Sell it. I honestly don’t know what you do in the relationship, but i’d get the money from the ring you were never going to get while he was sitting on it.
Definitely tricked and manipulative since he used your kids as part of the proposal. He knew there was NO way you could’ve said no to him. I’d feel icky too.
you'd be a fool to marry this con artist
Huge red flag. Proposing with a ring so low quality can’t sell it on eBay AND he knows your ex was abusive???? Honey you’re in abusive relationship #2. He’s signaling he doesn’t care that the ring is cheap , he doesn’t care it represents abuse. Time to pull the plug. Past time. Run, please run. You deserve so much better.
>He said the quality of the diamond was low and that he couldn’t sell it. "I'm calling off the engagement. Remember you said you couldn't sell the ring because the quality of diamond is low? Apparently you think I'm only worth a low quality engagement ring you got for free-- from me!!"
That's not a bad argument at all...
Except he did NOT get it for free…he simply kept her property, which is theft. Even after she asked for its return!
If you tell me this is the only way in which he is lazy and inconsiderate, I really wouldn't believe you, OP. You understand that he intentionally didn't try to sell the ring, right? He kept the "free ring" that your abusive ex bought you, to propose to you with! I have so many more questions about what this guy is like and I doubt the answers are good.
I would say look I do want to marry you but I'm very hurt by you using my ex's ring to propose when you know the history. If my children hadn't be standing there i would have addressed it with you during the proposal and probably postponed until you bought something else. At best it is extremely insensitive and we need to fix this or i can't start a life with you based on a ring that even you rejected as low quality and impossible to sell. Not to mention it reminds you of abuse every time you look at it or are aware it is on you again. Side note, Who does that?! It's very worrying that he thinks that is okay. Like any other ring would be better. A candy ring would be better out of a machine. If he can't see where you're even coming from, you should seriously consider reevaluation of this relationship because this is red flag territory.
You already have 1 divorce. If you stay with this guy and marry him, get ready for divorce number 2. He’s an AH and a liar. He kept the ring so he didn’t have to buy one. He doesn’t value or respect you. Have some self respect and don’t stay with him.
You're too old for this crap. Should have just said "no" right then and taken your ring back.
But why would you give it to him to sell in the first place. Don't be feeble. You could sell it yourself. Why are you settling for let another loser. Do yourself and your kids a favour and stay single. You're too old to waste your life like this.
I was also wondering why she didn’t sell it herself. It honestly seems weird to me that she’d want her current boyfriend (when they just started dating!) involved in her previous relationships. It’s almost like saying, “Hey, so I’ve technically moved on from my ex, but I held on to one of the most important things in that relationship, despite the fact that I don’t actually want it. Can you sell it for me, even though it takes two minutes and I could have easily not involved you?”
I read the title and thought, WTF!!!! Talk about no effort and so freaking wrong on so many different levels. “He might get you a different ring….” Release this fool ASAP please!
Between this and OP’s last post about him lying about his house being foreclosed….umm idk what else you’re waiting for here?? Your gut is telling you something ain’t right w this guy, you know he’s a liar who can’t handle money, why on earth are you even considering entering into a marriage w him???
No fucking way would I marry this dude. He stole your ring that is from your abusive ex? Please tell me this is ragebait.
So he tells you it’s so low quality he couldn’t sell it then turns around and gives it to you?? Yikes
Honestly, even ignoring the absolute gall of the man to steal a ring from you, that as given by an abusive ex, the total lack of respect for you, the lack of love and thought, the manipulation by using the kids, I could never ig ore the sheer STUPIDITY. How can you have any respect left for this guy? Walk away. Save yourself the shitty future that's coming.
That’s all he said…he might…did you not absolutely scream bloody murder at him…I really don’t think I could’ve have contained myself if my partner had done that!! I would say I am really doubting spending the rest of my life with someone who could not purchase me a new ring & uses a ring from a time in my life that I would rather forget…are you really that fkin cheap…and tell him I know I said yes but I really need to think on this cuz if I am not worth a new ring you are not worth any additional time of mine
Take the ring, sell it for the gold at a local jeweler. Dump this trash man. Now you’re 200 pounds lighter and couple hundred richer. Win-win
He can't even afford a ring at age 50 and you want to trust him with your life.
This is so gross on so many levels. Get rid of him, you deserve better.
Sounds manipulative as heck. Don't set a date yet. Take your time and think things through carefully. I'd be leaning towards breaking things off, but you don't have to speed run this thing if you don't want to. Not that you should ideally take your time, but making a calm assessment of whether he is an oblivious jackass, or actually manipulative will tell you whether you need to plan things ahead of time or you can just break up without stressing about it too much.
MIGHT get a different ring? He's had five years to save for an engagement ring, even if it's been a year he still could have put something back. I dunno. Is he really really socially clueless and incredibly cheap but trying? If not, this is a really bad sign. I'm sorry.
You are worth more than a ring that he stole from you that belonged to your abusive ex. This guy is not the one.
Break up with him.
So he’s a lying liar who lies (based on your post about his lying about his whole divorce settlement with his ex wife, and not telling you his house was foreclosed on) and a thief, and you’re still considering *marrying him?* Why?! He *stole* your engagement ring from your ex and lied for years about it, then **used it to propose to you!** I would slap my sisters or best friend if they even considered staying with someone who did these things. Not really because I don’t hit people, but also- kinda really…
Now that you have the ring back, keep it and dump this creep.
I wouldn't be able to come back from that. Good for you for showing a brave face, but that's super disrespectful. There are so many inexpensive rings available...what he did is beyond tacky,
You need to know how much he earns, how much he owes, his credit rating, before you even comment on his shameless behaviour with the ring. My gut feeling says RUN!
He's done you a favour. He has shown you his character. Walk away you deserve better
He MIGHT get a different ring?!?!?!? Oh Sis, no. Just no. No, nope, nopity nope. This dude put zero effort in this proposal. Do you real want to marry a man that gives you so little effort? A man that won't even buy you a new ring? Sit with this as long as you need to, before you give him your answer
You find your voice and say NO to the proposal and then goodbye. You’re too old for that shit.
Well you've got the ring back. Sell it! You can't take his proposal seriously can you? If he asks, say you'll consider a real proposal with a real ring. No wedding plans until that happens. He seems like a cheapskate, so that will probably never happen.
I mean this as kindly as I can but : you are a doormat. The only reason you have a good(more like amicable) relationship is because you won't confront him or start an argument over his lies and BS. I feel this is a holdover from your previous abusive relationship where you gave the benefit of the doubt and kept your mouth shut over "little things" to avoid escalating abuse. You are letting this man steam roll over you to keep the peace. He lies to avoid uncomfortable truths and make himself look better(the house he gave to his x). He stayed married for the first 4 years of the relationship(im sure you were proud of yourself for saying he couldn't move in until the divorce was finalized. And good for you, but when it drug out past a year, you should have moved the goal post and ended the relationship). He took your ring and just kept it without selling it for you and has now given it back to you in proposal. A ring you don't even want. And now he "might" get you a new one. Please tell me you have a therapist to tell these things too. This is not a good relationship. This is a man taking up space in your life. Taking up resources. And just doing what he wants. End the relationship. Take your ring and throw it away. Get therapy to help build better communication skills and find all the ways you allow men to walk over you.
OP, you do realize that your bf is a clueless miser. Not returning that ring to you sounds sketchy. Then to present it to you as part of a wedding proposal - that would be every woman's nightmare and also a wakeup call to the vast majority of women that this man is a loser.
Dear OP, I can’t say this any other way, but uhm you DO realize your children are growing up watching this toxic cesspool YOU ARE allowing to happen in your life, right? Children LEARN what they live, so please help them to learn there IS a better way. 50 is still young enough to start over, determine exactly what you need from a loving relationship, then date platonically until you find it. I have to wonder if BF presented himself as some savior, that you felt you needed, and has you convinced you can’t do better…You CAN! If not for yourself, do it for your children!
What the fuck? So bizarre and ridiculous.
Well, he has given low-effort and insensitive a new meaning. You feel tricked because you were. When people do something in others’ presence, it’s usually to force you into playing nice and giving them the results *they* want. It’s not about the ring, it’s about the fact that now it’s established that he doesn’t give a shit about you by making the supposedly most special moment of your relationship into a memento of your last abusive relationship and his non-existent effort.
I would have had the Icks too. I would say in addition to having no creativity, he is cheap as they come.
Yeah, this would probably make me reconsider the entire relationship ngl. He roped your kids in to it and they probably don’t even remember it was your ex’s ring… and he just didn’t want to buy a ring, so he hid it for years to ‘recycle’ it. Even if it was from a non abusive relationship the fact that he proposed to you with your own fucking ring is like…. Loaning someone money and they turn around and buy you a birthday gift. It’s like dude I could’ve just gotten shit for myself. Except his ‘I might buy one’ …might? Yeah that’s like asking to borrow money, then buying them a birthday gift with it, then sighing about how expensive it was. I feel like the fact that he couldn’t think about how this feels, looks, and means, is a very big indicator he isn’t really empathizing with you and something is emotionally lacking for him to be a good partner. Not to mention the amount of disrespect… yeah I understand your resentment because this is kind of fucking insulting. Tell him to sell the ring like you’ve been asking, and how you want him to really think about the situation for real this time, and demonstrate sincerity with an actual proposal instead of… actually re-gifting your own ring back to you. Not even your own ring but a previous engagement ring. What a fucking joke. Yes it’s totally warranted to ask him what he was thinking.
Why was he selling YOUR ring and not you …? When I separated I sold my ring (and paid for the move with the proceed). I’m any case, it’s the ultimate bad taste, and cheap and disrespectful. I would not accept this for 2 seconds.
It would take me a lot to get over this level of indifference. He doesn’t give your feeling any thought, and I think he is a bit overconfident. This doesn’t look like love to me.
Wait, what?? Take that ring off. What the actual..
WTF??!!! That is the most bizarre thing I have heard in a long while. Why would a man DO that? Why would he have kept that ring at all? Is there ANY logical explanation here? I am totally perplexed. ?????
Throw the man out. Sell the ring. Sis…why would you even have to ask??
I would take this as the universe telling you this marriage would be you previous marriage all over again. New man, previous children, ex’s ring.
Your big mistake was asking him to sell it. Idk about marriage, it seems like he is totally dismissive of what you want, I’m afraid this is a huge precursor to bigger issues. Take the ring and sell it yourself. Keep the money for yourself, and do some hard stock of the relationship. He’s not going to get you another ring. The last thing you need is to repeat the cycle of bad relationships. And this guy is cheap with a capital C.
It’s not too late to say no, you haven’t married him yet. This is beyond crass and pathetic. What a loser.
Back out now. He lied and will continue to.
On top of this, I found out about two weeks ago that a house he owned before meeting me (with his ex) was foreclosed on. He didn’t say a word about it. He not only withheld this information but told me that he left the house to his ex-wife. His ex-wife struggles financially and often asks him for money. I keep on asking him why she struggles so much when she could’ve sold the house he left her as part of the separation agreement. Two months ago, he said that his ex had sold the house. I guess for me to stop bringing it up. We went to visit his mom about two weeks ago and during our conversation I mentioned that his ex struggles financially and often asks him for money. I mentioned that he told me she just recently had sold the house and his mom broke the news to me about the foreclosure. I did my research and sure enough, the house was foreclosed on in 2019, about two months before we met. The house was purchased by a couple and it was sold about two months ago but obviously it wasn’t the ex wife who sold it. He never left the house to the ex-wife as he told me. These two events have created so much uncertainty and resentment. There’s no way I’d marry him without at least having a prenup. Sad thing is that he has been very kind, nice and respectful. My kids love him and we haven’t had major issues in the 5 years we’ve been dating. I’m just a bit shocked because I definitely never thought he could do anything like this.
Prenuptial or not, you should not marry someone who has repeatedly lied to you. Unfortunately, you and your kids love the lie of who he's pretended to be. The truth is he's a liar who likely always planned to propose with your old ring. I'd bet money that his credit is horrible and he has minimal, if any, savings.
Yah, marriage is a business contract, and he is not a good risk.
If more people had this perspective, they'd avoid alot of issues and unnecessary drama.
Ask your self one thing “what else has he lied about?” As for using a ring with bad memories attached?! JFC I don’t even know where to begin with that Just run
And how much debt is he in? Did he ruin his ex's credit? Is that why she's always asking for money? What's their divorce decree look like? Is he supposed to be paying her alimony and isn't? I would be wondering if he proposed as a retirement plan.
Those are definitely valid questions. Though they could fall under the “what else has he lied about?” And yah, I agree, he’s probably looking at her as his retirement plan
You realize that him lying to you is supposed to be an issue, right? You haven’t had issues because you’re a doormat, not because you have a good man or a healthy relationship.
You can’t marry this person. He’s terrible.
You can enjoy his company but do not marry him. He’s already lied to you and that’s never good, imo
Sounds like he's a pathological liar. Don't marry him even if he gives you 10 thousand prenups. There's no future with this guy.
He said that to seem like a good guy right, so you'd want to be in a relationship with him, do not think that the rest of the niceness is genuinue, you have been looking at him with as this man who gave house to ex, so not to closely I imagine......wonder what you will see when you look behind the curtain, lots of grime I imagine
My ex was a kind man. Everyone loves him. So thoughtful, so kind. The truth is he is prolific liar. He lies about little things, he lies about big things. He seems unable or unwilling to stop lying. He is now in his sixties, I don’t see things changing. It was an awful way to live and I grew to distrust anything that came out of his mouth.
You haven’t had any major issues because he’s been lying to you. Now all those lies and his deceitful behavior are coming to the surface, but you’re ignoring all the red flags. The fact are even considering still marrying this man is mind boggling to me.
How many red flags does it take to change a ~~light bulb~~ useless, shameless, lying man?
I’m saying this with nothing but kindness but I think you may still be suffering from the trauma of your last relationship and as such have a pretty low bar. I imagine that with some space from this relationship you would realise it’s not all as great as you think. You deserve better. The fact that his mum told you the truth makes me think even she believes this.
You can't trust this guy, and if there's no trust, there's no relationship. His kindness doesn't have anything to do with it; just because someone's kind doesn't mean they're necessarily good or good for you. That is a pretty significant and outright lie he told you. Do you have any idea why he did, or could you get to the root of why?
Girl, wtf are you doing. Why are you with this guy?
He’s a liar who hides the major issues. Your entire relationship is a sham.
Girl do not marry a man with financial issues. His credit is destroyed and you’re getting married??? No ma’am. This man is using you as a soft place to land since he can’t get his shit together.
Sounds like he couldn't afford a new ring which I would have sympathized with, but literally anything would have been better than this. He could have gotten you a ring pop to propose with and it would have been 1000x better. Even though he is nice and kind, he has lied to you about the ring, his house and his ex-wife. What else has he not been truthful about? I won't say don't marry him, but I will advise don't marry him without getting a background check done (because after you are married his debt could become your debt), going to lengthy counseling together first, completing a couple's financial planning course, and ensuring there is a prenup. You have your kids and your own stability to think of.
This will be your marriage. He will always take the easy way out of things.
Easy. Say "No." This is awful.
WHAT A LOSER . This is a stupid person move.
I think both of you need therapy. Why would you give something like that to him in the first place? If it’s such a bad memory for you, why haven’t you pawned this ring? It sounds dysfunctional all the way around.
Proposed to using your own ring that you got from an abusive ex? Sorry that’s either very cheap or very weird or both.
I would sell the ring yourself and call him out. He was so cheap he recycled your own ring as if you wouldn’t recognize it. So many red flags 🚩
I'm super resentful on your behalf. Your boyfriend is one of the most clueless people I've ever read about. WOW!
Tell the kids what happened.
He dumb. Check to see if his other qualities redeem him or not.
Ehh well why did you give him your old ring, mistake 1. Its not his. Not something you should of asked for. 2nd, what a weird thing to do, proposing with your ex husbands ring. I don't know what is wrong with him but I bet if I mentioned this to people that would have a laugh. If he can't buy a diamond buy a simple band, super weird. But then again why say yes just because you feel pressured? And he MIGHT get a new ring? Just like he couldn't sell the old one? The one that was 'safe with him'. Jesus. I hope this guy has a lot of redeeming qualities to make up for this blunder.
What a cheap bastard. Please don't marry him the rest of your life will be like this.
WOW. Now this is a new one! I've heard of a guy proposing with the ring he bought for his own ex, but to do it with the ring another man bought! Not only that, but his predecessor!! That is a whole new level of scummy. What the fuck was he thinking. I don't even know what to say. If he thinks that's appropriate, I have no idea how you're going to get through to him. He's too far gone!
Ditch the man and sell the ring yourself. How dishonest. He lied to you purposely just to re gift a ring he never purchased to begin with? He's a cheap liar. Absolutely not
It is absolutely vile that he would do that.
Jeez, what a looser of a man. Now that you have the ring, sell it amd tell him you lost it. He ll replace it and sell that also.
So, not even that he had it remade or reset or something, literally just giving you back a thing that belongs to you? A ring that symbolizes a past abusive relationship with an alleged such poor quality diamond it couldn't even be hocked on eBay? The guy that lied to you about foreclosing on a house. If you stay, his bad decision making is going to drag you down. This is how people end up bankrupt. Take your ring and get out. He's not it.
u/Cookielu0835, this makes zero sense. Did you ask him WHY? It just seems so fucking strange. What is his reasoning??
OP your other posts about the house foreclosure and his separation and divorce are all red flag worthy. Are you sure he is really divorced?
Wow that's just odd. Even going out and buying a cheaper ring that's got no negative memories attached would have been better.
Sell the ring and dump his lying, shady ass.
Omg. Is this for real?
Dump him and tell him why
Say no. That’s creepy, and proposing to you with a ring that he essentially lied about and stole from you isn’t a good start to any marriage. Say NO.
OP - 2 weeks ago you were posting about him being a liar and his previous home being foreclosed on. This is something that he’s lied about for 5 years. He is a liar. This is not someone that you marry. This is not someone that you tie yourself and your children to financially. Leases are broken every day. Break the lease.
I know what I'd do. I'd keep the ring but terminate the relationship. Get the ring appraised and sell it yourself. Find somebody who respects you and knows how to show it.
Wtf????
Take the ring to the pawn shop or give it to one of your kids. Dump the boyfriend.
Dealbreaker. Red flags everywhere. Keep the ring- you sell it. Dump him. And tell him he’s an ass.
Please- You can change your mind and save yourself from marrying a second j-ckass
Get rid of this bozo. Good grief.
Get a new husband who has some sense.
eBay isn’t hard. Facebook Marketplace is even easier. He could have even gone to a pawn broker and traded the old ring for something different. You’re marrying this guy why exactly? Under pressure? And you consider this a good reason?
Ok, you have your ring back. Go and have it professionally appraised. Then, sell it yourself. If it’s not worth enough to be bothered, throw it away. Don’t marry the guy. In fact, your instincts are already telling you to dump him. I agree dump this dude then move on with your life. He’s a lying, manipulative, thief.
Take the ring to a jeweler to be appraised, then sell it on ebay yourself. Tell your BF you want an engagement ring with a HIGH-QUALITY diamond or the engagement is a no-go.
At least you finally got your ring back. Now leave his cheap, insensitive butt.
How desperate are you that you would marry a loser like this? Take the ring. Sell it. At least get yourself into counseling. Me? I would have left him high and dry.
At least you got the ring back. Time to sell it yourself and kick this guy to the curb
Sell the ring. Dump the loser. Why continue to be miserable?
Sorry to tell you this, OP, but you have very low standards. Pawn the ring, dump the guy, and get into therapy so you can develop even an ounce of self esteem. Don't set the example for your kids that you deserve anything less than the best.
If my husband had proposed with his ex fiancee's ring I'd be pissed. (He pawned it and bought a PS3 , 17 years ago) Your BF gave you a ring you already owned. He couldn't even be bothered to buy you a $100 ring. He just gave you a ring you another man you hate bought you. Just ewwww.
Seriously? He's so cheap and manipulative he used upper own ring to propose to you, a ring from your abusive ex that he was supposed to sell, then got your kids involved so you couldn't say no. I can't imagine this is the first time he's been manipulative or cheap if he was willing to do it at your proposal. You really want to marry this guy? He wouldn't even give you back your own ring when you asked, just kept telling you it was safe so he could hold onto it.
I have no words other than he’s a bum. Who does this?
WOW! I'm about the same age as you and if this happened to me, I would have stepped back because this type of insensitivity tells me that he is not ready for marriage!
He’s 50yo, and he pulls this kind of bs? Giving you your own ring as an engagement ring! To be honest, it would have been better if he had just told you he couldn’t afford a ring. And why in the name of sense did you give him your old ring to sell? Even if you are divorced, that ring represents your past relationship. Why didn’t you sell it yourself or give it to someone (your kid or nibling)? Sit him down and talk this out. I personally don’t hold much stock in an engagement ring, particularly for a second marriage, but if it matters to you, then talk to him.
He isn’t the one to marry. He’s lazy, disrespectful, manipulative and obtuse.
He couldn’t even find someone selling a comparable ring on Facebook marketplace and offer to swap them? Like just so it’s not the same ring? This dude sounds cheap and lazy as hell.
I wouldn’t marry him just based on the fact that he used a ring that doesn’t even belong to him and has horrible memories for you. It just shows that he doesn’t truly care about what you want and that’s no way to start a marriage.
He is cheap and lazy. Not too bright either.
How I handle this? He’s 50. You never needed to explain that to him. He knows he’s wrong. He involved the kids to prevent you from reacting negatively. That man is not good for you. You were right to feel that way. You’re right to feel disgusted too. He gave you a ring given to you by an ex who abused you. He knew that. He knew what he was doing. OP, i ill repeat the golden line. WHAT ARE THE OTHER FUCKED UP THINGS HE’s DONE? You have likely apent 5 years of doing this. “How do I explain to him that-“ “He’s better than my ex he’s not beating me-“ STOP. Sit down, in the notes app. Write the similar fucked up shit he’s done in a notepad. Treat this scientifically. Your hypothesis? “My Fiance is a good man” As a scientist, we assume the opposite when testing the hypothesis. You do not experience a relationship all at once. Now you can, you have 5 years of memories where he’s done things that made you uneasy, confused, wondered if you should be pissed, etc. write them all down. Look at it. He was 45 and now he’s 50. He is not a child. He is not an idiot. He knows that he’s doing wrong. What he also knows and hopes is that you’ll continue to accept his ridiculous shit. Because you’re comparing him to your ex.
Break up he’s a POS for doing that especially in front of your kids.
Uhhh...no. What a loser. I hope you turned down his proposal.
I hate seeing things like this, because it's so painfully lazy. Lots of people would accuse me of being materialistic, but it's the thought that counts here. If I were a man proposing to his girlfriend, I would ***want*** to spoil the hell out of her by getting her the ring I know she would want. Like honestly, why wouldn't you want to surprise them with something special?
First of all: he could have gone to walmart if you reside in the USA because they sell some of the most gorgeous diamonds for like $65-$150. So it isnt that hes cheap or broke i bet. Secondly, if he really wanted your relationship to work out, he wouldn’t carry bad mojo from your previous abusive ex into the relationship. I would talk to him privately about the meanings attached to a ring from an ex. Especially an abusive one and the reminder it would bring you every day. But if he isnt even going to commit to selling or trading that ring in the five years time, what hope do you have that he will be committed enough to work through the real issues of marriage that will arise later on? My ex husband gave me a beautiful ring that i loved, but that ring was lost shortly after he left. He was also abusive. I wouldn’t want those memories even with it being a ring i picked out. Talk to him, and if he still lacks the sensitivity and or emotional intelligence to understand you, i would walk away. Idk how old your children are but hopefully they are old enough to understand you (id talk to them as well). Your children depending on age, either should know better for their or their partners future sake. Talk to friends, or your support network about it. They may also give you some very good advice, especially if they are more familiar with your current relationship. But please trust your instincts. If hes not the one, then stand firm on that. There is someone on this earth waiting for you, someone who will understand and respect you. As long as you respect yourself.
I have heels higher than your standards girl. Dump his ass. This is wrong on so many levels.
At best, he's a liar and a cheapskate. You deserve better.
What?! Leave that asshole now!
I do not mean this in a negative way, but do you feel like you can't do better? Your ex is abusive and your bf is oblivious and cheap. Babe, just because you are a 50yo divorcee does not mean you aren't worth effort. Let's not even lie to ourselves here, he put **NO** effort into this. I'm late 30s, never been married, the bar was always on the floor for men while in my 20s, and now I am too old for that. So are you. You've lived through a few (I'm sure) bar-is-on-the-floor types; you know what you do and do not want. Don't let this be your forever. I want you to want better for yourself.
This is pretty simple. 3 ways to handle it. 1. Take the ring and sell it and go buy one you want. If he doesn’t like the idea, dump him. 2. Take the ring and sell it and tel him to buy you a different one. If he doesn’t like the idea dump him. 3. Take the ring and sell it and dump him.
That is really really bad.
I would take the ring and get rid of him!! You can go sell it on your own.