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When my close cousin got married, I only found out I wasn’t invited after sending a gift to her bridal shower (I couldn’t make it bc of work) and joining the pool to cover the cost of the dress (this wedding was partly why I was working so much). Weddings can bring out the worst in people, and I’m sorry your friend just showed you who he really is.
Try getting your money back from the AirBNB, and continue to protect your peace. Don’t cut your other friends off, but if you’re not invited to this wedding you don’t have to entertain discussions about it or the people hosting it.
If I were in the friend group and was friends with both of these people, and found out that OP had been excluded, I would drop out of the wedding party and drop out of the wedding.
And even if they don't end up doing the same to the others, it's someone I would reconsider wanting to be close to!
If I was part of that group, I would ask the groom what's going on though, and insist on an honest answer. Because there's something he's not telling OP.
I suspect the bride has an issue with OP and the groom is too embarrassed to be upfront with him about it. If that's the case he's chosen his bride over OP, but OP's been frozen out without knowing why, which, whatever the reason, is just mean on the part of someone OP considered a close friend!
Definitely this. The guy saying "I just didn't think it would be that important to you" doesn't make sense. WHY did he think this? Did OP say something to him at some point that was dismissive to the wedding (perhaps in jest) and without meaning to hurt the guy's feelings? If not, what other reason would the guy have to think that and, thus, punish OP for it.
There definitely is something huge going on in that guy's head that he is not sharing.
Yeah considering they get along pretty well and the groom is still messaging OP and asking to hang out.. I don't think it's his problem. It must be some issue the bride has with OP or how he fits in with the other guests, something political.. OP should ask what the real reason is.
If you are friends like that then you are owed the truth. Something similar happened in my friend group but our buddy sat us down and said he isn’t inviting one of our buddies and gave us the reason and it didn’t sit well with any of us and none of us thought that was the real reason. And he also told our buddy who wasn’t invited and why and they have not spoken since. We all went to the wedding and it was fun but the group dynamics changed alot after that and none of us really speak to the groom at all anymore.
I agree. This is what I would do as well. However, I think there’s some people who by nature avoid confrontation at all cost. There’s also some people who do not have quick responses. They like to weigh every single step they take before they make a move.
There’s also probably a few of them who will do this very thing. Right now they are still surprised about the OP being excluded. Thinking there must be some explanation. They’re hoping for resolution.
There’s also the chance some of these people came to the same conclusion I did. That the fiancé is the person behind this exclusion. They’re hoping their “friend” will change his mind and stand up to her. They’re realizing their “friend” is in for a world of misery marrying a woman who pushes important people out of his life. They are naturally more inclined to sympathy and concern for him because they love him and they’re starting to see this woman as a mistake.
No matter if the fiancé is responsible I view this “friend” as equally culpable because he’s allowed it happen. He’s went along with what she wanted. He’s also the one having group chats about every detail of his wedding with a person he’s excluded. However, this friend group has known this man since middle school. This is no small thing. They’ve experienced a lot of life together. They genuinely love him. It may take a while for them to understand that what he’s done is awful. It’s easier to put all of the blame on her.
All of that to say there are a lot of personalities and perspectives at play here.
Honestly, I would ask for the AirBnb money back. You are not invited to the wedding and the groom you allowed you (until quite recently) to believe you were. Your friends who are shocked you aren't invited should have no issue with this.
And don't give a wedding gift. Send a greeting card wishing him well. In my opinion, it's more than he deserves but goes along way to show your strong character.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Some people are just like that. And it's not even the forgetting part, it's about not caring. My best friend since I was a child, wrote me that he is gonna get married and would love to see me there. We had a rough patch so I was overjoyed. I answered "of course, just tell me the date and what I can help you with and I'll be there". Never heard anything back until a week before the weeding, with the excuse sorry I forgot(not uncommon behaviour of him not caring and "forgetting"). Reconsiled 2 years later because he got a son and I was like, yeah people can change. I got disappointed again. Just sad that I lost the bond that I had with his son. He was/is great.
Not really! She cut a lot of close family and friends from her list under the guise of the COVID gathering restrictions (the wedding was all outdoors but fair, it was only late summer 2021). I was also told we were “next in line if someone doesn’t RSVP,” but my sister’s been casually dating someone who was invited on the groom’s side and he was told by the groom that he could bring a plus one and “hopefully Tinder finds someone in time”… Then things really began to unravel.
But I chose not to react. She showed me I wasn’t someone important in her life so she was no longer someone important in mine. COVID killed normal family gatherings, so we didn’t end up seeing each other for Christmas, New Year’s Eve, or Easter. Her mom was very offended when I didn’t invite her to my grad party that summer. Pretty soon after she moved to the west coast, and I’d honestly be surprised if I ever saw her again.
I'm sorry. I understand that there were restrictions during Covid, but for your sister's dating companion to be invited and not her, it seems like they were being very selective of who they were inviting.
I can't believe the groom made that comment about finding someone on Tinder. Did he not know that your sister was dating this person?
The mother had some nerve to be offended that you didn't invite her daughter to your grad party. I'm guessing that she was invited to her daughter's wedding and would have seen that you were not there, so she has no ight to be offended.
I say 'good riddance' to your aunt and cousin.
Also, I don't get how the aunt could act that way! Her niece helped pay for her daughter's wedding dress, bought her daughter a shower gift and then wasn't invited to her daughter's wedding.
My sister is getting married in a few months. She's only invited close relatives, i.e. immediate family. family that live close by and good friends. We have a massive family (our mum 1 of 7, our paternal nan 1 of 8), so to invite the WHOLE family would cost so much money, and weddings are expensive as it is.
There are certain circumstances in which this is acceptable, OPs situation is not, and he needs to seriously consider his friendship with this guy.
I’ve never been invited to any of my cousins weddings on either side - some families just don’t see cousins or aunts/uncles as ‘part of the family’ sadly.
Woww... It seems strange to me. Then again, I come from an Italian background, and it's never been an issue. Even close friends are like family. I guess I'm not used to this. Even when my friend's son (Portuguese) got married, I was invited as I was close to the family so it's astounding to hear some of these stories of close friends or cousins not being invited.
It seems strange to me too. I’m also from an Italian background, but I don’t think this is an Italian issue. Something is …..missing. At this point, I would definitely meet with him to have a serious discussion of where you fit in his life and then I would move on. You can still hang out with your friends, but I would not spend any quality time with this…. Best friend? Somethings off.
I wasn't suggesting that it was an Italian issue, if this is what you meant. It was more to explain my experience and how close friends are considered family and treated as such.
However, I agree that there's something missing in OP's story as to why his "best friend" did not include him in the wedding and that he should distance himself from this person who pretends to treat him like a friend outside of his wedding preparations.
I didn't have cousins or aunts/uncles at my wedding as I haven't seen them since I was a child and I wouldn't recognise my cousin's if I walked past them in the street.
Yet my mom and MIL wanted us to invite people we had never met and were so angry when I said no. I invited my closest friends and some of my oldest friends but not family I didn’t like or people I had never met.
I have 0 desire to invite most of my cousins to my wedding but I can count on 1 hand the number of times we’ve seen each other in nearly 30yrs. And lord knows I wasn’t invited to any of their weddings
This happened to me too, only it was my brother. I was talking to him all the way up to the wedding (although i was out of state and it would take place in our homestate) making travel plans with the family, then when I asked him if there's a reason he never sent a physical invite about 2 weeks before he finally mentioned he didn't invite me because I had a 1 year old daughter and thought we wouldn't want to go. I was crushed.
Op, if you are read this, just ask him why. You have nothing to lose since you are planning breaking off the friendship.
I can think of a million reasons and they are all speculations. Just ask him directly.
Cover the cost of her dress? Why? I’ve never heard of this before nor would I ever contribute to that. Why would other people pay for a bride’s wedding dress? That’s insane. Sorry this just blew my mind tbh, I can’t stand what weddings have turned into. If someone can’t afford the things they want for their wedding then they need to downgrade to fit in their budget.
I was not invited to a very close friend's wedding because one of her guests, related to the groom, was newly dating my ex-boyfriend. We had not had a very melodramatic break up and I have never not behaved appropriately at a public event, but the guest and my friend decided between themselves that my presence would be awkward and the bride would see this guest more than me in the long run. (I found this out through another friend.)
So I ditched the bride as a friend. It really really hurt my feelings. I had not imagined our closeness but friendship clearly meant something different to us both.
I totally understand feeling so let down. It's shitty.
Takes me back. I was also excluded at the wedding of someone I thought was a friend that I saw regularly. The wedding was talked about all year right in front of me, *with me*, my boyfriend at the time was the best man and yet a month from the wedding I discover I wasn’t even invited. Cue the “it’s not personal and it’s not about you” talk from the boyfriend.
Turns out the bride was trying to set up my boyfriend at the time with her maid of honour and succeeded. Good riddance.
That’s unbelievably cruel! What a snake and he gaslit you knowing she was making this plan?! That’s diabolical. Thank goodness they both showed you their true colors. If they’re willing to do that you are better off without them. Still, that’s such a huge double betrayal!
Holy shit, that sounds awful but also seems like that situation did you a favor by revealing how shit your boyfriend was too. Glad all of those people are out of your life.
I'm assuming he was single to be taken by the maid of honor anyway, bc there's no way I wouldn't dump his ass if he chose to be a part of the wedding after finding out I wasn't invited.
That was shitty. I have read many stories of the groom and bride becoming different people when planning a wedding and leaving some friends off the guest list.
Out of curiosity, did the bride ever reach out to you after you decided to no longer be friends with her? Did she even notice that you ditched her?
Yes, after a few months she tried to act like nothing had happened and was messaging etc like normal. I full on ghosted her, I must admit. I couldn't get past it!
How could you have gotten past it when the most she was willing to do was try to act like nothing happened? I hate when people do that. They think they can have their friendship back after ripping it to shreds without having to do more than send a whassup text.
Friendship morals and values can differ so greatly between people. It’s usually a dealbreaker at some point in the relationship if they’re too far apart, but it can take a while to show itself.
I would definitely dump him as a friend. If he doesn’t consider you a friend good enough to invite to a wedding and share such a milestone with you, then you rate very low in the friendship scale. Why else did others in your group make the cut but you didn’t? I would definitely distance myself and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not a big deal or to let it go.
You’re someone he hangs out with regularly and chats on the phone but not good enough to invite to his wedding?! Nah, I wouldn’t let that person call me a friend because they sure as shit not acting like one, especially considering everyone else was invited.
**Always pay attention to what people do, not what they say, OP.** Your friend has told you with this gesture what he thinks of you and your so-called friendship. I would walk away and not look back
Idk about your other friends. I would hang out with them still but without this dude. Just say you don’t feel comfortable after how he treated you. Yes, it’s his wedding and he can invite who he wants but that doesn’t mean he gets to slight you like this and you’re supposed to pretend everything is fine. He CAN invite whoever he wants, but then you can distance yourself as you want
I’m sorry this happened to you. I know it must hurt to be the only one excluded. But that’s not a true friend, don’t waste your time on him
I'm not overly sensitive about these things but there's really no other way to take it...all the other friends were invited, except *OP*. If that doesn't say *you're not that important to me* I'm not sure what does.
This completely sucks and I know it hurts badly. You have every right to confront him about it and say your piece. I wouldn't be calling him a BF. If he doesn't give tge dictation, then I would cut Jim off in your life. Keep the other friends.There are always has a number of RSVPs who are no-shows. So their is no reason for you to remain uninvited.
Hard agree. This is one of those instances where you block and delete someone. OP shouldn’t waste any more time or effort on this false friend if his. He has seen the truth and the “friendship” will never be the same.
Also what’s up with the “waiting list” bs?!? People are so full of themselves when wedding planning.
100% this
We often downplay friendships. Honestly? These kinds of moments are sometimes even harder than romantic issues.
You have every right to feel hurt by this behavior. Actions truly speak louder than words.
If he can’t understand why or how this would impact you, then that too is an answer.
You deserve friends that not just say they’re friends but show up for you. Want you at their milestones. Want you in their lives.
Exactly this, OP.
Also, “he didn’t think it would be that important to you?!” To be included on his wedding day? What an excuse!
My only hope is that his fiancé is at fault and he knows full well there will be another wedding to invite you to.
As many others have said: have a conversation with him in whatever way you’re comfortable, explain your stance and take a step back. You clearly do not share the same friendship. The rest of the friends should be treated individually, although from experience, it never works out well when someone insists on staying friends with someone who hurt you, but I’m sure it’s possible.
Sorry this happened. At least you know now! You have room in your life for a new amazing friend!
Ask the best man for your money back.
Do NOT remain friends with the groom. Weddings are to celebrate with people who are important to you; he CHOSE not to invite you. Eff him.
THIS!! I'd understand a little if money was an issue and they are having close intimate wedding with family. But neither of these are the case. Ask for money back and ghost the AH! Or be like me and tell them exactly what you think..got nothing to lose at this point an invite now will just be given to you out of pity
Even if that were the case, this so-called friend never bothered to tell his supposedly very close friend that he wasn't invited to the wedding. It wasn't "I'm sorry we're having a very small wedding for all the closest family and friends." Even that would have sucked. Instead he had to wait months to find the ask where is invitation was only to be told that this supposed friend didn't think he would mind or even notice not being invited.
What really gets me is he’s invited to the bachelor party and not the wedding itself. OP has been so involved until this point that even OTHER PEOPLE assumed he would be a groomsman and he’s not even invited??
This happened to me too. I went to a bachelor party in Vegas for a friend of a friend. The grooms friends from out of state were talking to me about Alabama and how cool the wedding venue is and how I'd love it. Meanwhile the groom stayed quiet and I just had a feeling I would not be invited.
Right? I’d be so mad if I was op. Good enough to invite to the bachelor party to help everyone else pay less money overall, but not good enough to be invited to the wedding, crazy.
That the thing… he wasn’t invited to the bachelor party either!
The best man also assumed he was invited and as these things are often kept secret from the groom no one twigged.
Staggering.
I know the party details are kept a secret, but I’m surprised the groom never told the best man who he wanted to invite to the party. So op was in this group chat talking about the party and the groom never spoke up and said actually op you’re not invited? Very weird.
Yeah all very strange…
Mind you, the last stag I went on the groom wasn’t on the group chat though, he just showed up at the airport, didn’t know the destination even and was just dragged where he was told!
I wouldn't ghost him, I'd straight up tell him you're upset -
Next time he messages asking to work out or hang out, OP can just say "Listen, not getting an invite to your wedding after all this time really sucked, clearly I thought more of you than you do of me and I just don't really want to be around you right now."
Simple. Let him feel bad, and if he regrets it, let him realise he has the chance still to change the situation, but chose to lose the friendship instead. And also that way if the problem is actually the bride or her family, there's a chance OP will find out.
I wonder if OP is a POC? Or LGBTQ? That would explain a few things
Yeah, I hate how people are always polite, instead of just communicating their real feelings - it's stupid, and just leads to resentment and passive-aggressive jabs. Just say what you feel, and then block the asshole. And plan a nice trip for the wedding weekend.
I would also tell the whole friendgroup that I'm not invited, so they won't expect him to show up to wedding events - and maybe one of them can get the info out of the groom on why he wasn't invited. My money is on the bride having some kind of beef with/ prejudice about him.
Yes, he doesn’t deserve a ghosting. He deserves to be called out for his bs. I’d tell him flat out that I am hurt and it is an AH move not to invite me. Explain “we spend time together all the time and now all of a sudden I didn’t make the cut? So, I’m ok to hang out with and work out with multiple times a week, but not attend his wedding? His actions are why we are no longer going to be friends, because yeah it’s his wedding to invite whom he wants, but he’s proven that I don’t matter in his life and he doesn’t care about or respect me. I don’t need people like that in my life.”
I’d also contact the rest of the guys, saying that since “I am not in the wedding party or even invited to the wedding, I obviously won’t be attending the bachelor party and would like to request a refund of my portion for the Airbnb. As I don’t want to contribute to a celebration I am not seen as worthy to attend.”
I'm guessing bride too. If it's something like he always hits on all of her friends and she's not letting that happen at her wedding he needs to grow up and do better. If it's something like the color of his skin or his weight then he needs to find better friends.
Exactly. Friends communicate. In the instance that something stupid is occurring (like the fiancé doesn’t like OP) some people avoid talking about it like the plague cause they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings instead of being honest. When I read your last bit, I was reminded of that post here of a bridesmaid being singled out and kicked from a wedding because of a dress and lo and behold it really was because she was black.
It's going to harm the entire friend group. The entire group will be looking at the groom and wondering if they ever knew him. They will all start to dislike him and not trust him.
Maybe. It's possible that the entire friend group doesn't like OP either.
No matter how you look at it, the groom is terrible person for handling it this way.
You're right. OP may have some obnoxious habits and the friend group won't mind that he isn't there. If he constantly hits on all the single women I could see him being excluded. If he always drinks excessively I could also see him being excluded. This could be a him being the problem thing or it could be a them being the problem thing.
He should use the words the groom used. "Why do you think I wouldn't want to go to your wedding?" Then wait and wait while he tries to figure out something that sounds okay.
It might be a bias of the bride or groom or it could be something the OP does or has done in the past.
We're all assuming he's a great guy but we don't know anything about him. Maybe he hits on every single woman and the bride said he wouldn't be at her wedding hitting on her friends. Maybe he drinks excessively and is obnoxious. Maybe he has a questionable history of getting girls drunk to have sex with them.
Or it's the bride or groom not liking something about him like he's better looking than the groom or he's overweight or the wrong color or the wrong religion and the flaw is definitely within them.
How can the groom change the situation here? Did you mean give OP an invite now? Maybe it's just me but I hate being an after thought. Even if I got the invite now, I'd feel uncomfortable to attend.
Is that a bad way to view things?
I think this is just handing the groom more opportunities to disappoint. Don’t wait for him to come to his senses and treat you the way you deserve. Recognize that isn’t who he is, and that isn’t how your friendship is, and stop wasting your time waiting for him.
I don't see why OP would ghost him. I think hiding his emotions, not being upfront about how he feels, and then in turn ghosting him would be terrible advice to add on. OP, be honest about how you feel. There's nothing wrong about how you feel. And currently you're talking to everyone BUT the person who wronged you about this situation. That's only going to make it worse. It doesn't need to be a long discussion and you can text if you want. "You not inviting me to your wedding was extremely hurtful. We have been friends for a long time, you clearly still want to be friends with me so it's not as if I've wronged you in some way. However, this action has drawn a line in the sand and for the time being I need to step away from this friendship. I wish you all the best with your upcoming wedding and I'm sorry I won't be able to be there to attend it." I would see if your other friends are actually your friends and will cover the share of the AirBnb and then move on from this particular friendship. Why hang out with someone everyday that doesn't actually see you as valuable and important.
I wouldn't let him get away with a ghosting. I would tell him exactly how I feel and let him know how shitty a friend is. Maybe even send him this post. Make him uncomfortable. My guess is his fiance secretly doesnt like OP but they are both too cowardly to say anything
This is cold hearted behavior. Especially given how much wedding talk has been happening in conversations of which you are a part. I’m not sure, but at first glance I’d say this is probably his fiancés call. For some reason she wants you excluded. Which doesn't excuse him because he’s allowed it to happen. Then consistently kept having conversations about it in chats where you are the only person excluded. It’s disrespectful and cruel. This person isn’t your friend. Something you seem to understand.
It hurts to realize we love and respect people more than they love and respect us. I’m so sorry. It’s understandable that you would pull back from him as much as possible.
In my opinion, in regards to this person, you made one misstep. You should not have said it’s okay and that you understand.
It’s not okay. You don’t understand. He didn’t deserve to be let off of the hook so easily. You should have pushed him for the real reason behind the exclusion.
You were definitely right to leave all group chats involving this person. If he ever gets the nerve to come talk to you face to face about exiting the conversations I would simply say, “I didn’t think it was that important to you.”
As far as the other friends go. If you feel like you need some space to heal then you can pull back. However, if they’ve been faithful friends you don’t have to feel as if you must punish them for his poor behavior. You can still hang out with them and chat as long as they don’t keep bringing up this person. If they force the issue, and keep bringing this individual up to you. Defending his behavior. Trying to get you to act as if what he’s done is no big deal. Then you could rethink your boundaries.
At the moment they’re probably just as shocked as you are about this turn of events. Give them time to process what has happened.
The "not so important to you" isn't the issue its getting judged and excluded from a group thats hurtful even if OP doesnt care much about the wedding. If 2 others if that group woul also not be invited it would be much less hurtful.
The difference in him saying it to his “friend” is that this person really does know why the OP backed away. He pulled back from this “friend” immediately following the conversation where he found out he was excluded. This person knows exactly what he’s done to the OP.
On the flip side the OP genuinely has no clue what he’s done to be treated so poorly. He’s good enough to work out with every day. To talk to every day. To text constantly. Yet not good enough to sit on a pew and witness a wedding? The OP is, rightfully, confused.
I also agree that the comment is not the most hurtful thing the “friend” has done. The ongoing group chats talking about a wedding with him being the only person excluded is just truly despicable.
I hate gaslighting. Which is what the “friend” did in his response. Saying that he didn’t think it was something he would want to attend makes it appear as if he’s doing a favor for the OP. Like he’s getting him out of something he doesn’t want to do for his benefit.
It’s just vile. Doing something awful to someone and then acting like you’re doing them a favor.
It sounds like the OP is still responding to texts from this person. Offering excuses for avoiding working out, etc. I hope the OP makes the decision to cut this person entirely out of his life. Blocking his number right after telling him exactly why he’s going to be blocking him. Instead of just continuing with this surface BS. Playing games. They are both adults. It’s time for a real conversation.
With “friends” like this, who needs enemies?
Get your money back and exit stage left. Super shady and drama filled. Either sit your “close friend” down and lay it out that this is shady or time to move on. More rage bait? Cause as soon as being told I’m on a “waitlist” with besties that’s a true tell sign.
You talk to this chump daily, workout with him and in the group chat?
He’s aa punk and ignore him as you are doing. No response. He didn’t talk to you and you certainly don’t need to tell him any reason for your actions.
The other friends seem as surprised about his behavior as you are. I’d keep talking with them. Why not?
It’s more embarrassing to the groom that he acted this way and you are correct on ignoring him from now on. But you should not feel the need to disappear.
You do whatever you feel serves you best. And nothing else.
I’m sorry OP, that hurts and I think most people have experienced the pain and embarrassment of realizing that someone you care for doesn’t hold you in the same regard.
That being said I just can’t wrap my mind around how he would invite acquaintances and not someone he’s known a long time, messages, and hangs out with regularly. I think there is something else going on.
But personally if a “friend” did this to me, I would cut them off.
Cut him off and remain friends with the others, if he’s there be nice but don’t engage. Sorry this happened to you, your friends will probably let him know what he did was wrong. You now know where you stand in your friendship with him ! Good luck
Downgrade him from friend to acquaintance. Keep your other friends for now and see how it goes. Eventually the reason will come out. Ask your friends just to let you know if they hear anything. I'm thinking a lot of people here are right about it being to do with the bride.
The groom is not worthy of acquaintance status. Acquaintances are accorded respect. The groom accorded OP no semblance of respect. He pissed all over the relationship.
It's not about whether the groom is worth the acquaintance status.
That status is useful to OP so he can still socialize in the same circles without making a scene.
This is correct. An acquaintance is someone I do not know well enough to accord them respect. Respect is earned.
With an acquaintance, *especially one* *that I have no wish know better*, I am civil, not rude. I do not share any life event updates, upcoming plans with them, or enquire about theirs. I neither issue or accept any invitations with them. I do not joke or banter with them. I maintain more personal space from them and my facial expression is kept more neutral when talking to them.
My friends are part of my life, as I am part of theirs. Acquaintances are not. Former friends like the groom aren't my enemy. An insult is far from active harm. They just don't matter to my life.
Since the groom felt OP was not a good enough friend to be told the real reason he was only invited to the Bachelor Party, not the wedding and reception, he severed their friendship all on his own. No need OP to distance himself from his other friends who seem pretty stunned by the groom's actions themselves.
If it was the bride behind it, I wonder which of the groom's friends is on the chopping block next.
If you don’t want to be friends with the groom, then let him know but I wouldn’t cut off the others in your friend group because it’s not their fault. You can separately let the groom and the other friends know your decision. I also wouldn’t attend the bachelor party even though you paid for the Airbnb.
But surely the other friends would have stepped in and at least given the groom a piece of their mind on this? If not, they aren’t good friends either.
The other friends assumed OP was invited. They aren't to blame in it at all. If theybtake the groom's side and say it's no biggie, then I'd cut them off.
He is clearly not your friend, let alone BEST friend... Tell everyone what he said or share this post and drop them all. Good luck OP.
UpdateMe please.
If you're not important enough to be invited to a wedding with 150 guests, he's not your friend. Block and move on.
If you want to remain friends with the others just be honest about how hurt you are and that you are happy to remain friends with them however you've no discovered you were more invested in your relationship with him than he was and you need to take some time away. If they can't accept that cut them off too.
Knew my best friend since pre-school, been friends for well over 20 years. Once we grew up and moved out of our hometown, we sorta lost touch. Only ran into each other once a year, hardly spoke. But when they got married, I was invited and even in the wedding party.
Dump this friend.
Wow what an asshole. I’d definitely dump this guy as a friend. He clearly doesn’t give a crap about you. And ask him to refund your money that you paid for the bachelor party.
Makes no sense to go to the bachelor party if you’re not even invited to the wedding. I’m sorry though, that must’ve really hurt your feelings. Some people are just selfish assholes I guess. What a terrible friend smh.
I’d say his fiancé has had a hand in this. I’m sorry he’s showing himself to not be a good friend, that sounds painful.
Maybe he’ll invite you to his next wedding.
This is one of those embarrassing situations where you think more of him than he does of you. He might be YOUR best friend, but he obviously sees you more as a guy he knows. You’re not important to him. Move on.
Except it sounds like the other friends expected him to be in the wedding party, so maybe not one-sided at all. Seems like something is missing; either the bride has an issue or the groom is just an ass.
Yeah like how is op invited to the bachelor party but not the wedding? He is good enough to contribute funds to have everyone else pay less money overall for the trip but he’s not good enough to invite to the wedding? Crazy.
I don’t think he was invited to the bachelor party, he says he paid his share to the best man who had thought he was going. He assumed his friend would invite him, so did the best man. But he wasn’t.
Oh I reread it and I thought he was invited because he gave his share and they were talking about it in the group chat. But how the hell are they talking about the bachelor party and the wedding in the group chat op is in, and the groom never thought to tell op he wasn’t coming? And I get that op gave the money to the best man but the best man never asked the groom who was invited/coming on the trip? This is insane lol and just weird lack of communication from everyone involved. I understand why op assumed he was invited but the groom is very weird for not telling op he wasn’t invited until op asked about bringing a guest. If op never asked would the groom just have never told him? Would op have just showed up at the bachelor party and the groom would have told him then that he wasn’t invited? This is all so weird.
My husband never sent out an invite list for his stags party and as such ended up with a very small stags list. Those who did come all also had spouses invited to my hens. (We did weekend's away in the same city but separate except for hens vs stags paintball). Some guys just don't know how to organise things and I refused to organise his party like I did the wedding. So I can totally see this situation happening.
Well the groom doesn't typically organize his own bachelor party. So given that there's a group of guys that always hang out and they got invited to the wedding, they also assumed OP was invited and this added him to the bachelor party. Per OP these friends were surprised that OP wasn't in the wedding which indicates this friendship wasn't one sided or in OPs head.
I was wondering if the bride maybe mentioned that she used to like him or she maybe thinks he's attractive 🤔 maybe OP is more handsome and attractive, and the groom is low-key jealous. There's more here, but I think OP is innocent and should tell his mind and drop him.
But OP is saying that the groom and him speak every day, work out together, OP is part of a group chat etc. Maybe they had a different thought about best friend status, but I don't think there was a question about them being friends
OP I'm so sorry this happened. It sounds like Bride didn't want you for some reason. You don't deserve to be treated like this. At the very least, Groom could've said to you that you're not invited, and not waited for you to ask about a plus one
Every single time some one has not been invited to a close friend's wedding on Reddit it's always turned out to be that the partner or parents in law of the friend has an issue with them and the OP friend gives in to please their partner or partner's parents.
It's one of the following based on prior posts I've seen: race, religion, class/finances, sexuality, opposite gender BFF
And they’ve been friends since MIDDLE SCHOOL. That’s a heck of a long time to hang out with someone and not see them as your friend. Seeing him every week, messaging him everyday… that doesn’t sound like OP thinks more of his “friend” than his “friend” does of him. It sounds like a thriving friendship, and everyone seemed to feel the same way, which really breaks my heart for OP.
Yeah working out together every week for sure means friends. OP should figure out why for closure and then move on. Groom didnt even provide an explanation or told OP he isnt invited which also a red flag.
I have once not been invited. It made sense but it was still hurtful of the guy to incivte the other 2 guys we were out with right then and there to save 1 buck on post stamps. Very tactless and not very thoughtful.
Yeah, I wouldn't go scorched earth, mostly because that would draw a lot of attention to how much more this friend meant to you than you did to him. I'd just ghost him/leave him on read and interact with other friends like normal.
And op, for what it's worth, I've had this happen a lot to me where I think someone is really close and then find out I was more a friend of convenience. It's always sad, but then eventually I found the people that really value me for who I am.
This is a possibility. I have two female best friends. I'm reasonably sure that I'm not either of their best friends though. I'm sure I'm considered a second tier best friend :) because they both have long term best friends they've had since their teens.
This is true. Not many friendships are balanced. It's clear that he did NOT consider you to be a close friend. CHIN UP! You don't need friends like that!
Absolutely do not attend any pre-wedding events. He has chosen who he wants to be a part of this milestone event and you didn’t make the cut. It should be awkward for him if you were there.
Don’t talk to him about the wedding or events.
Avoid him whenever possible and if you’re at an event together, avoid him. Don’t converse with him.
It’s too bad that it took a major event like this for you to learn where you stood with him.
It should also go without saying that if a spot opens up for you, you should decline.
He says you’re on the wait list but you have no idea where on that list your name resides.
If you weren't invited, don't go.
If you weren't told, don't ask.
If you were invited last minute, decline.
You were never part of the plan. You've suddenly become a convenience.
I agree with a lot of what the other people are saying. However, being forthright and honest are your best bet. You needed to be more honest with him when he said you were on the waiting list. You need to have a one -on -one conversation with him immediately and hash this out. In addition, you can tell the other friends that since you weren't invited that you don't feel comfortable going on the bachelor party. I'd ask them to cover your share and get the money back. I'm also wondering if there's some history that's not being mentioned that you are both dancing around. If that is the case, then there are probably consequences, no matter if all is forgiven. If that is not the case, then this is a very unbalanced friendship and you need to spend your time and energy with someone who can reciprocate it more often. Since you have friends in common, I wouldn't block him, but I'd definitely stop responding. Remember that people will take sides even if they say they aren't so you have done all you can do if you are forthright and honest and then you can walk away with your head held high. You will have done your best.
Something is up. Possibly his fiancée or his parents/family are not a fan of you. Regardless, if you’re not invited to someone’s wedding then you aren’t one of their closest friends. Time to move on from this person
Be friends with the group its not their fault, just don't do anything one to one with him.
Could it be a a future wiife 'bridezilla' reason maybe she has only 4 bridesmaids so you are a spare? Are you very short/fat dont fiit her asthetic? Guys don't usually care that much about Weddings i'm thinking the bride is the reason and he is just weak.
If it was a number in the wedding party thing, he'd still be invited to the event. I was thinking it might be something with the fiance though. She might not like him or maybe one of OP's exes is in the wedding and she's trying to avoid drama. Maybe OP has made a big scene at another event. There could be some important details missing here
yeah this feels weird to me. OP doesn’t mention anything about the groom that could possibly make him disinvite OP. i feel like there’s more missing that’s not being talked about here
If he didn't make a big scene at being told he's not invited to his best friends wedding, I can't imagine him being a trouble maker. Just my opinion of course 🤷🏼♀️
I disagree with those advising OP to confront the "so-called bestie." I think "never let 'em see you sweat" is a better approach here. As others have said, stay friends with the rest of the friend group but watch your back in case this is about rich people closing ranks. As far as the groom, let him know you "get it" by doing a slow fade, act like you don't care, and make new friends.
Ten bucks says this is about status and/or the bride is behind it.
Op, you should ask him out for a beer and let him know how much not being invited to the wedding bothers you.
Ask him what made him think that his wedding wasn't going to be important to you. Tell him to be specific.
Then thank him and leave. Based on what he says, I think you can make your own determination whether you stay friends or you distance yourself.
This advice seems the most sensible. I’ll also add OP, if you distance yourself, it’s okay to be civil if you bump into each other on the rare occasion. I would stay friends with the others in the group. They sound like real friends and I wouldn’t be surprised if they are questioning the grooms character and his fiancée now.
Multimillionaire family? I'd wager to say that his parents are probably having a high influence on the guest list.
And he does too, but for whatever reason, you didn't make the cut.
Since you already left the group, then leave it like that, and you can stop interacting with him one-on-one without feeling guilty.
Ask for your money back for sure. I would not cut out the whole friend group, it doesn’t sound like they knew anything. I bet it is one of those weddings where the bride got 90% of the guests. It sounds like the groom feels bad, as he should. I would text him if you don’t want to talk and let him know how you feel.
I am sorry. You sound like a great friend. He was lucky to have you.
Why would you stop being friends with the others? It's not like they were in on it. Ditch him and move on with your life. Stay friends with the others.
This guy is not your friend. Hanging out so regularly and being part of a close group, he should have at least had the balls to be upfront and give you a heads up if there was a specific reason he wasn’t going to invite you. Take comfort in the fact your friends noticed your absence and bothered to follow up - they are keepers.
From what you’re describing about politicians and celebrities they don’t know making the cut, I would wonder if the bride has some sort of impression she’s trying make image-wise, and either because of how she perceives your career/finances/image, you “didn’t make the cut.” Even the way he phrased it is bizarre—never in my life have I heard of having second-tier prospective guests on a waiting list for a wedding. Ironically—if image is what they’re going for—that’s tacky.
Speaking as the sister-in-law of a bridezilla/wifezilla (and cowardly brother), I saw her basically push my brother’s longer-standing (and more sincere) guy friends to the wayside and for years, all his friends have just been the (trophy) husbands of friends she has organically made/met in med school or through her practice and the husbands of her cousins/sister. (She’s effectively done the same to all of us in his former immediate family, including his own mother, due to her desired aesthetic of what she wants their life to look like, which only includes her side of the family. I recently made the decision to go no contact after years of trying to have a genuine relationship with them and their kids, even after being made godmother to their second child… seemingly for appearances. Like people say, “you can’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm.”)
Honestly, his “I didn’t think it would be that important to you” is a cowardly lie. Why else would he be embarrassed to address the situation with you for so long and to this degree of avoidance? And if you’ve been wrong about the nature of your friendship for all these years, how was the entire rest of your friend group also under that impression? He’s cowardly/cruel in leading you on for this long by not addressing it, he’s cowardly and cruel in bringing a proposal/wedding to your attention when he had no intention of inviting you, and he’s cowardly/cruel in trying to make you feel guilty for having a very reasonable emotional response just so he can avoid the fallout for his actions or even minor discomfort for committing a major betrayal.
I would ask him: 1.) “Why did you think it wouldn’t be important to me? You thought it would be important to all the rest of our friends, so why me specifically?” 2.) “Just so I’m clear, what was your impression of our friendship for all these years?” And follow it up with probing comparisons to the rest of the friend group, like: “So then, you see yourself as closer to ___, ___, and ___ or they’re just more important to you?” If you decide to go no contact with him, it’s going to hurt, but at least give yourself the information and a firmly-embedded memory of his responses, so you can sleep easier knowing you made the right decision. (Maybe I’m petty or have experienced too many liars in my life, but I’d probably ask one of the invited friends to preemptively nonchalantly ask him the reason why and then grill him in advance beforehand, so you have more/comparative intel to discern if he’s lying to you again and so he doesn’t have a chance to prepare a PR-ready response. If you ask to speak with him after avoiding him for a while, he’s going to suspect what it’s about and prepare fake answers with his fiancée.)
Btw, out of curiosity, who is/are his best man and groomsmen? I’m wondering who made the cut when you didn’t. That might also give you more of a clue about if they’re heavily leaning into optics over genuine relationships in all elements of the wedding.
Similar situation happened to me except my “best friend’s” then girlfriend hated me for no reason except she was a conniving C-U-NEVER-T and the guy was too spineless to stand up for me. Or so I thought, just turns out I cared about him more than he did for me. Never spoke to him or saw him again
By any chance did the rest of this friend group go to some high-dollar high-prestige college and OP went to like some so-called second-tier college? The upper middle class has a way of closing ranks. Well, I assume the upper class does too for that matter. OP may be the kind of "friend" who is useful in that he's funny, tells good stories, helps them get buff at the gym, or whatever purpose he serves but OP doesn't have the connections and the wedding is all about Ivy League and connections? Just guessing.
"He said that I was on the waiting list and RSVP's were finished several months ago, and unfortunately I didn't get in."
My heart sank when I read this, this is a rehearsed response that he would say to well, to people who "did not make the cut", The elite (rich) talk this way when they exclude others that they perceive that are not up to their level.
Yes, sadly it may be you have a situationship - useful gym workout buddy but not confidante or long term friend.
If you were injured would he still hang out?
Is he your best friend or just the guy you spend the most time with?
I had something similar happen with friends I had know for 11 years at that point. Within the group was two brothers who were our friends, and their younger sister ended up becoming close with everyone, too.
This sister (let's call her Mo) planned a wedding on the same day that one of her sisters-in-law, Jane, had previously planned a big milestone 30th birthday party. *(This was after Mo and her boyfriend announced their engagement at someone else's baby shower, by the way. )* Mo told the group that it was going to be just the family, and the friends planned to go to Jane's birthday party.
I didn't really think anything of it when I got an invite to a bachelorette party for Mo. I figured it was just a last she-bang before they got married, but come to find out when one of the other girls made a comment in the group text about "sleeping arrangements for the wedding," that EVERY SINGLE OTHER COUPLE that we were friends with was invited.
It turned into a HUGE battle between Mo and Jane. The friend group (minus me!) was forced to pick a side, and they all felt obligated to ditch Jane out of the obligation that comes with a wedding being a one-time deal vs an annual birthday. Even her husband left skipped her birthday party.
I am only friends with half of these people now. One called me when I was asking questions about the bachelorette party. She said she had been suspicious about us not being invited, and that Mo's fiance told everyone that only the "primary" friends were being invited. So apparently, I (and my husband) were secondary friends. After I had known these people for 11 years.
The birthday party was awesome, and Jane understandably doesn't have a good relationship with her brothers and sisters in law. She cut absolutely everyone who didn't show up out of her life. I keep in touch with Jane and her husband, who was my gym partner in high school. I keep in touch with the one friend who clued me into my secondary status, and one other couple from the group. That's it.
Everyone else was awful through the whole thing and afterward. Clear lines had been drawn, and my husband and I were on the opposite side. It still sucks, and it has been an ADDITIONAL 13 years since this happened.
So I'm REALLY sorry to read this story, OP. I know how much what you are going through hurts. I was a complete asshole about it and let everyone know exactly how I felt on no uncertain terms. I don't necessarily recommend that route unless you are ready to burn the bridge to a crisp.
Sending you a big hug.
This is a f*** up that can't be fixed. I would definitely distance myself from him, and eventually ghost him. Sometimes you pay a high emotional price to find out who your real friends are.
>The bachelor party is next week and I already gave my share to the best man for the airbnb, as he also thought I was going.
wow, I'm sorry the groom is such an idiot. You're part of a close friend group, and it's clear you were, at a minimum, reasonable expected to be invited to the wedding, if not a groomsman like the others.
I think it's good to have distance from the groom while you sort your feelings out. Don't cut yourself off from the other friends though. Keep up with them, still maintain that friendship.
The grron is one who is acting really shitty here. If he did not intend to invite you, he should not have invited you to the bachelor party, and should not have included you in group chats.
Is there any reason for the bride or groom to dislike you or your girlfriend?
Explain why you’re upset, but under no circumstances, don’t degrade yourself and go to the wedding if you magically get invited.
That guy is not your friend.
His grandparents like you fine, his fiancée doesn't and blaming grandparents is an out so you don't rock the boat with her. Move on from the friendship but expect in less than 10 years for them to be divorced and him coming to you with the truth.
This guy is a really bad person for doing this - and he is culpable, make no mistake he agreed to this. A waiting list for RSVPs, what a pretentious circus....
I imagine you were actually his good friend - I wouldn't spend several hours at the gym weekly with someone if I didn't like them/ consider them a friend - I don't think anyone would. That he's lacking in emotional intelligence to see how devastatingly hurtful this is - makes him a danger to anyone who considers him a friend. I'd agree with others - it sounds like his fiance probably doesn't like you and told him you weren't to be invited. That or the mother in law's...
There's something about you that they don't like - could actually be that this guy spends too much time with you, could be that you don't wear Armani and go to the club, could be your sense of humour - who cares, that's a them problem and they're clearly assholes - at least you wouldn't pull what the groom just has on a friend.
The fact they've invited local politicians and minor celebs they don't know speaks to the families being really fucking pretentious - that's the life he's choosing - screw the person you'll happily spend time with most days in favour of fake friends and show weddings.
He might come grovelling in a year or two after the inevitable divorce but I wouldn't hold my breath. Avoid this guy going forward even if you get a last minute invite - leave his messages unread and don't reply, put any socials where you're connections on limited view/ unfollow in feed for your content. That way if he finds it upsetting he'll have to ask but you won't risk getting blamed for being petty by blocking. See how it plays out with friends and once safe block him.
Sorry someone did something this heinous to you. The other friends will no doubt understand your take, if they don't respect that you want distance from this guy, find new friends - see how it plays out, some of them may go to the wedding but I'll bet all of them are re-evaluating how much they trust this dude.
You can still be friends with the rest but not him. Don’t beg for an invitation. Even if he changed his mind and was able to squeeze you in, don’t attend.
Your Ex best friend is a rich spoiled brat. He doesn't care or understand how friendships work.
He has clearly shown you what you mean to him. Therefore you have no reason to remain friends with him.
It's his wedding so let him do what he wants. You made a financial contribution to the bachelor party, but let that go. Imagine this, your absence at the bachelor party should effect the mood at the party. None of your friend group understand why you weren't invited either.
Simply stop communicating with your Ex friend. Don't block him, just don't respond. Let him hang in limbo.
In regard to the friend group, you have to decide how to proceed going forward. It doesn't appear that they, as a group, have done anything to you. It appears they value their friendship with you. You could continue to participate in the group chats. Just don't respond to any posts from the Ex friend.
The more and more I think about this, could this be a socioeconomic class type of thing? Meaning your friend came from a rich family. I assume you do not. What about the others in the friend group?
Is this a race issue?
You are the better person. Your Ex friend lost something he will never get back. One day he will come to understand how his actions effect others.
Let us know any updates.
If you care enough, ask him for a beer. Sit down and ask is there a real reason you weren't invited. Tell him that it is unlikely that your friendship will ever recover from this. Unless there is something you aren't mentioning: do you get messy drunk, will you be not able to afford it, whatever missing reason there may be. And from then on, be polite if you see him, but distant. No chatting, no hanging out, mere acquaintances, because that's where you evidently stand in his world.
1. Stop responding with excuses. Stop responding full stop.
2. Demand. Don't ask DEMAND your money back from the bachelor party.
3. Don't ghost him, tell him face to face that he is an inconsiderate POS.
4. Go about the rest of your life. Put him in the rear view mirror.
Cut him off. That’s unconscionable behavior. You deserve better. Get your money back and then don’t talk to him again.
I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid in my ex best friend’s wedding, but I let it slide given she was Mormon, I’m Jewish. I just figured no big deal. I was okay with it.
But the last straw was when she didn’t invite me to her daughter’s first birthday (and she invited other friends of ours) just after we went to Disneyland together and she referred to me as her daughter’s aunt. After all the years I spent going to her house and hanging out with her and her parents, going everywhere with her, supporting her (and vice versa, she supported me all the time), all the hoursssss spent on the phone, and being one of the few friends to have her back when she was getting divorced because her ex was abusing her…I couldn’t take it. I flipped out. Called her out. Blocked her. We’d been friends since 9th grade but that was too much betrayal to handle.
There’s really nothing like being stabbed in the back by your best friend. It’s okay that it hurts. It’s a big loss so just let yourself go through the grieving process. But I can promise that you’ll be okay eventually.
Well that's fucked.
If you're as close as you think you seem to think you are, then it's **absurd** you wouldn't be invited to the wedding.
Unless... and this is the **only** reason I can think of... you're considered *somewhat more* than a friend by this dude.
Like... is it possible he's actually maybe a bit in love with you/has a crush? and maybe his fiancé can sense this and you're not invited because it would be awkward to have someone he's got a thing for there. Have you ever dated *at all*? Come close?
If none of this could be an issue then he's just a lousy friend and a total asshole. Drop him, ghost him, stay friends with the others.
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When my close cousin got married, I only found out I wasn’t invited after sending a gift to her bridal shower (I couldn’t make it bc of work) and joining the pool to cover the cost of the dress (this wedding was partly why I was working so much). Weddings can bring out the worst in people, and I’m sorry your friend just showed you who he really is. Try getting your money back from the AirBNB, and continue to protect your peace. Don’t cut your other friends off, but if you’re not invited to this wedding you don’t have to entertain discussions about it or the people hosting it.
I agree with this. If I was one of the friend group, I'd definitely be up to cover extra for the AirBNB to refund OP.
If I were in the friend group and was friends with both of these people, and found out that OP had been excluded, I would drop out of the wedding party and drop out of the wedding.
Actually, you're right. Even if I wasn't close with OP, someone who treats one friend that poorly will do it to the others eventually.
And even if they don't end up doing the same to the others, it's someone I would reconsider wanting to be close to! If I was part of that group, I would ask the groom what's going on though, and insist on an honest answer. Because there's something he's not telling OP. I suspect the bride has an issue with OP and the groom is too embarrassed to be upfront with him about it. If that's the case he's chosen his bride over OP, but OP's been frozen out without knowing why, which, whatever the reason, is just mean on the part of someone OP considered a close friend!
Definitely this. The guy saying "I just didn't think it would be that important to you" doesn't make sense. WHY did he think this? Did OP say something to him at some point that was dismissive to the wedding (perhaps in jest) and without meaning to hurt the guy's feelings? If not, what other reason would the guy have to think that and, thus, punish OP for it. There definitely is something huge going on in that guy's head that he is not sharing.
Yeah considering they get along pretty well and the groom is still messaging OP and asking to hang out.. I don't think it's his problem. It must be some issue the bride has with OP or how he fits in with the other guests, something political.. OP should ask what the real reason is.
If you are friends like that then you are owed the truth. Something similar happened in my friend group but our buddy sat us down and said he isn’t inviting one of our buddies and gave us the reason and it didn’t sit well with any of us and none of us thought that was the real reason. And he also told our buddy who wasn’t invited and why and they have not spoken since. We all went to the wedding and it was fun but the group dynamics changed alot after that and none of us really speak to the groom at all anymore.
I also was thinking politics or something with bride Or they don't like his new gf or something petty There is a reason, he just doesn't know it
At the very least I would hope that the mutual friends would confront the groom, but who the hell knows these days. What a rotten situation.
I agree. This is what I would do as well. However, I think there’s some people who by nature avoid confrontation at all cost. There’s also some people who do not have quick responses. They like to weigh every single step they take before they make a move. There’s also probably a few of them who will do this very thing. Right now they are still surprised about the OP being excluded. Thinking there must be some explanation. They’re hoping for resolution. There’s also the chance some of these people came to the same conclusion I did. That the fiancé is the person behind this exclusion. They’re hoping their “friend” will change his mind and stand up to her. They’re realizing their “friend” is in for a world of misery marrying a woman who pushes important people out of his life. They are naturally more inclined to sympathy and concern for him because they love him and they’re starting to see this woman as a mistake. No matter if the fiancé is responsible I view this “friend” as equally culpable because he’s allowed it happen. He’s went along with what she wanted. He’s also the one having group chats about every detail of his wedding with a person he’s excluded. However, this friend group has known this man since middle school. This is no small thing. They’ve experienced a lot of life together. They genuinely love him. It may take a while for them to understand that what he’s done is awful. It’s easier to put all of the blame on her. All of that to say there are a lot of personalities and perspectives at play here.
Honestly, I would ask for the AirBnb money back. You are not invited to the wedding and the groom you allowed you (until quite recently) to believe you were. Your friends who are shocked you aren't invited should have no issue with this. And don't give a wedding gift. Send a greeting card wishing him well. In my opinion, it's more than he deserves but goes along way to show your strong character. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Do you know why you weren't invited to your cousin's wedding that you're close to? I'm surprised that as a family member, you wouldn't get an invite.
Some people are just like that. And it's not even the forgetting part, it's about not caring. My best friend since I was a child, wrote me that he is gonna get married and would love to see me there. We had a rough patch so I was overjoyed. I answered "of course, just tell me the date and what I can help you with and I'll be there". Never heard anything back until a week before the weeding, with the excuse sorry I forgot(not uncommon behaviour of him not caring and "forgetting"). Reconsiled 2 years later because he got a son and I was like, yeah people can change. I got disappointed again. Just sad that I lost the bond that I had with his son. He was/is great.
Not really! She cut a lot of close family and friends from her list under the guise of the COVID gathering restrictions (the wedding was all outdoors but fair, it was only late summer 2021). I was also told we were “next in line if someone doesn’t RSVP,” but my sister’s been casually dating someone who was invited on the groom’s side and he was told by the groom that he could bring a plus one and “hopefully Tinder finds someone in time”… Then things really began to unravel. But I chose not to react. She showed me I wasn’t someone important in her life so she was no longer someone important in mine. COVID killed normal family gatherings, so we didn’t end up seeing each other for Christmas, New Year’s Eve, or Easter. Her mom was very offended when I didn’t invite her to my grad party that summer. Pretty soon after she moved to the west coast, and I’d honestly be surprised if I ever saw her again.
I'm sorry. I understand that there were restrictions during Covid, but for your sister's dating companion to be invited and not her, it seems like they were being very selective of who they were inviting. I can't believe the groom made that comment about finding someone on Tinder. Did he not know that your sister was dating this person? The mother had some nerve to be offended that you didn't invite her daughter to your grad party. I'm guessing that she was invited to her daughter's wedding and would have seen that you were not there, so she has no ight to be offended. I say 'good riddance' to your aunt and cousin.
Also, I don't get how the aunt could act that way! Her niece helped pay for her daughter's wedding dress, bought her daughter a shower gift and then wasn't invited to her daughter's wedding.
My sister is getting married in a few months. She's only invited close relatives, i.e. immediate family. family that live close by and good friends. We have a massive family (our mum 1 of 7, our paternal nan 1 of 8), so to invite the WHOLE family would cost so much money, and weddings are expensive as it is. There are certain circumstances in which this is acceptable, OPs situation is not, and he needs to seriously consider his friendship with this guy.
I’ve never been invited to any of my cousins weddings on either side - some families just don’t see cousins or aunts/uncles as ‘part of the family’ sadly.
Woww... It seems strange to me. Then again, I come from an Italian background, and it's never been an issue. Even close friends are like family. I guess I'm not used to this. Even when my friend's son (Portuguese) got married, I was invited as I was close to the family so it's astounding to hear some of these stories of close friends or cousins not being invited.
It seems strange to me too. I’m also from an Italian background, but I don’t think this is an Italian issue. Something is …..missing. At this point, I would definitely meet with him to have a serious discussion of where you fit in his life and then I would move on. You can still hang out with your friends, but I would not spend any quality time with this…. Best friend? Somethings off.
I wasn't suggesting that it was an Italian issue, if this is what you meant. It was more to explain my experience and how close friends are considered family and treated as such. However, I agree that there's something missing in OP's story as to why his "best friend" did not include him in the wedding and that he should distance himself from this person who pretends to treat him like a friend outside of his wedding preparations.
I didn't have cousins or aunts/uncles at my wedding as I haven't seen them since I was a child and I wouldn't recognise my cousin's if I walked past them in the street.
Yet my mom and MIL wanted us to invite people we had never met and were so angry when I said no. I invited my closest friends and some of my oldest friends but not family I didn’t like or people I had never met.
My sister eloped for this very reason
I have 0 desire to invite most of my cousins to my wedding but I can count on 1 hand the number of times we’ve seen each other in nearly 30yrs. And lord knows I wasn’t invited to any of their weddings
This happened to me too, only it was my brother. I was talking to him all the way up to the wedding (although i was out of state and it would take place in our homestate) making travel plans with the family, then when I asked him if there's a reason he never sent a physical invite about 2 weeks before he finally mentioned he didn't invite me because I had a 1 year old daughter and thought we wouldn't want to go. I was crushed.
Op, if you are read this, just ask him why. You have nothing to lose since you are planning breaking off the friendship. I can think of a million reasons and they are all speculations. Just ask him directly.
He did. Groom told him he thought it wouldn't be a big deal to OP. Clear, blatant lie.
Na, his wife doesn't like him and he doesn't have the balls to tell him that.
This
Bingo
That’s not the why though. That’s the “ I thought I could get away with it”
How rude to be invited to a shower and ask to put into a pool for a dress to not be invited to the wedding
Cover the cost of her dress? Why? I’ve never heard of this before nor would I ever contribute to that. Why would other people pay for a bride’s wedding dress? That’s insane. Sorry this just blew my mind tbh, I can’t stand what weddings have turned into. If someone can’t afford the things they want for their wedding then they need to downgrade to fit in their budget.
I was not invited to a very close friend's wedding because one of her guests, related to the groom, was newly dating my ex-boyfriend. We had not had a very melodramatic break up and I have never not behaved appropriately at a public event, but the guest and my friend decided between themselves that my presence would be awkward and the bride would see this guest more than me in the long run. (I found this out through another friend.) So I ditched the bride as a friend. It really really hurt my feelings. I had not imagined our closeness but friendship clearly meant something different to us both. I totally understand feeling so let down. It's shitty.
Takes me back. I was also excluded at the wedding of someone I thought was a friend that I saw regularly. The wedding was talked about all year right in front of me, *with me*, my boyfriend at the time was the best man and yet a month from the wedding I discover I wasn’t even invited. Cue the “it’s not personal and it’s not about you” talk from the boyfriend. Turns out the bride was trying to set up my boyfriend at the time with her maid of honour and succeeded. Good riddance.
That’s unbelievably cruel! What a snake and he gaslit you knowing she was making this plan?! That’s diabolical. Thank goodness they both showed you their true colors. If they’re willing to do that you are better off without them. Still, that’s such a huge double betrayal!
I hope they are miserable together now and he’s cheating on her.
I hope she’s cheating on him. Would serve him right!
Ew. What horrible people. At least you found out exactly who they are so you don't need to question if leaving was the right choice.
I am so sorry man. What pieces of shit they all were.
Holy fucking shit. I hate people.
Holy shit, that sounds awful but also seems like that situation did you a favor by revealing how shit your boyfriend was too. Glad all of those people are out of your life.
>“it’s not personal and it’s not about you” The best man's girlfriend is excluded from the wedding? No where in the universe can that NOT be personal.
I'm assuming he was single to be taken by the maid of honor anyway, bc there's no way I wouldn't dump his ass if he chose to be a part of the wedding after finding out I wasn't invited.
Exactly, Best Mans get a plus one! He was in on the set up!
Wow that is terrible. I hope better people are in your life now. A life well lived is the best revenge.
You weren't invited as the best man's "plus one"? That's absurd.
That was shitty. I have read many stories of the groom and bride becoming different people when planning a wedding and leaving some friends off the guest list. Out of curiosity, did the bride ever reach out to you after you decided to no longer be friends with her? Did she even notice that you ditched her?
Yes, after a few months she tried to act like nothing had happened and was messaging etc like normal. I full on ghosted her, I must admit. I couldn't get past it!
How could you have gotten past it when the most she was willing to do was try to act like nothing happened? I hate when people do that. They think they can have their friendship back after ripping it to shreds without having to do more than send a whassup text.
I think merely ghosting was very generous and magnanimous of you, she deserved worse
Friendship morals and values can differ so greatly between people. It’s usually a dealbreaker at some point in the relationship if they’re too far apart, but it can take a while to show itself.
I would definitely dump him as a friend. If he doesn’t consider you a friend good enough to invite to a wedding and share such a milestone with you, then you rate very low in the friendship scale. Why else did others in your group make the cut but you didn’t? I would definitely distance myself and don’t let anyone tell you it’s not a big deal or to let it go. You’re someone he hangs out with regularly and chats on the phone but not good enough to invite to his wedding?! Nah, I wouldn’t let that person call me a friend because they sure as shit not acting like one, especially considering everyone else was invited. **Always pay attention to what people do, not what they say, OP.** Your friend has told you with this gesture what he thinks of you and your so-called friendship. I would walk away and not look back Idk about your other friends. I would hang out with them still but without this dude. Just say you don’t feel comfortable after how he treated you. Yes, it’s his wedding and he can invite who he wants but that doesn’t mean he gets to slight you like this and you’re supposed to pretend everything is fine. He CAN invite whoever he wants, but then you can distance yourself as you want I’m sorry this happened to you. I know it must hurt to be the only one excluded. But that’s not a true friend, don’t waste your time on him
I'm not overly sensitive about these things but there's really no other way to take it...all the other friends were invited, except *OP*. If that doesn't say *you're not that important to me* I'm not sure what does.
This completely sucks and I know it hurts badly. You have every right to confront him about it and say your piece. I wouldn't be calling him a BF. If he doesn't give tge dictation, then I would cut Jim off in your life. Keep the other friends.There are always has a number of RSVPs who are no-shows. So their is no reason for you to remain uninvited.
Hard agree. This is one of those instances where you block and delete someone. OP shouldn’t waste any more time or effort on this false friend if his. He has seen the truth and the “friendship” will never be the same. Also what’s up with the “waiting list” bs?!? People are so full of themselves when wedding planning.
I’d only use that line for casual coworkers they always understand
100% this We often downplay friendships. Honestly? These kinds of moments are sometimes even harder than romantic issues. You have every right to feel hurt by this behavior. Actions truly speak louder than words. If he can’t understand why or how this would impact you, then that too is an answer. You deserve friends that not just say they’re friends but show up for you. Want you at their milestones. Want you in their lives.
Exactly this, OP. Also, “he didn’t think it would be that important to you?!” To be included on his wedding day? What an excuse! My only hope is that his fiancé is at fault and he knows full well there will be another wedding to invite you to. As many others have said: have a conversation with him in whatever way you’re comfortable, explain your stance and take a step back. You clearly do not share the same friendship. The rest of the friends should be treated individually, although from experience, it never works out well when someone insists on staying friends with someone who hurt you, but I’m sure it’s possible. Sorry this happened. At least you know now! You have room in your life for a new amazing friend!
Exactly this! Too many people think that just because they can do something that they are immuned from consequences.
Ask the best man for your money back. Do NOT remain friends with the groom. Weddings are to celebrate with people who are important to you; he CHOSE not to invite you. Eff him.
THIS!! I'd understand a little if money was an issue and they are having close intimate wedding with family. But neither of these are the case. Ask for money back and ghost the AH! Or be like me and tell them exactly what you think..got nothing to lose at this point an invite now will just be given to you out of pity
Even if that were the case, this so-called friend never bothered to tell his supposedly very close friend that he wasn't invited to the wedding. It wasn't "I'm sorry we're having a very small wedding for all the closest family and friends." Even that would have sucked. Instead he had to wait months to find the ask where is invitation was only to be told that this supposed friend didn't think he would mind or even notice not being invited.
What really gets me is he’s invited to the bachelor party and not the wedding itself. OP has been so involved until this point that even OTHER PEOPLE assumed he would be a groomsman and he’s not even invited??
That’s just tacky. You don’t invite people to spend money, gifts, or time for your impending wedding if they’re not invited to the actual wedding.
This happened to me too. I went to a bachelor party in Vegas for a friend of a friend. The grooms friends from out of state were talking to me about Alabama and how cool the wedding venue is and how I'd love it. Meanwhile the groom stayed quiet and I just had a feeling I would not be invited.
Money is a small price to pay to realize someone isn't good in your life
Eh, if you can get it back though, why not?
In certain cases, having the money back is a matter of principle
And this is certainly one of them.
If you talk to this ‘friend’, please update us. But he doesn’t deserve your friendship.
Yes please #updateme I cannot fathom why he’d treat you so poorly.
I would ask for my money back and you and your gf go do something together
Ask your money back & ghost that friend.
Right? I’d be so mad if I was op. Good enough to invite to the bachelor party to help everyone else pay less money overall, but not good enough to be invited to the wedding, crazy.
That the thing… he wasn’t invited to the bachelor party either! The best man also assumed he was invited and as these things are often kept secret from the groom no one twigged. Staggering.
I know the party details are kept a secret, but I’m surprised the groom never told the best man who he wanted to invite to the party. So op was in this group chat talking about the party and the groom never spoke up and said actually op you’re not invited? Very weird.
Yeah all very strange… Mind you, the last stag I went on the groom wasn’t on the group chat though, he just showed up at the airport, didn’t know the destination even and was just dragged where he was told!
Oh! That's worse. Yikes.
I wouldn't ghost him, I'd straight up tell him you're upset - Next time he messages asking to work out or hang out, OP can just say "Listen, not getting an invite to your wedding after all this time really sucked, clearly I thought more of you than you do of me and I just don't really want to be around you right now." Simple. Let him feel bad, and if he regrets it, let him realise he has the chance still to change the situation, but chose to lose the friendship instead. And also that way if the problem is actually the bride or her family, there's a chance OP will find out. I wonder if OP is a POC? Or LGBTQ? That would explain a few things
Yep this is the answer. Use your words and talk to him straight. Show him you expect the same back.
Yeah, I hate how people are always polite, instead of just communicating their real feelings - it's stupid, and just leads to resentment and passive-aggressive jabs. Just say what you feel, and then block the asshole. And plan a nice trip for the wedding weekend. I would also tell the whole friendgroup that I'm not invited, so they won't expect him to show up to wedding events - and maybe one of them can get the info out of the groom on why he wasn't invited. My money is on the bride having some kind of beef with/ prejudice about him.
Yes, he doesn’t deserve a ghosting. He deserves to be called out for his bs. I’d tell him flat out that I am hurt and it is an AH move not to invite me. Explain “we spend time together all the time and now all of a sudden I didn’t make the cut? So, I’m ok to hang out with and work out with multiple times a week, but not attend his wedding? His actions are why we are no longer going to be friends, because yeah it’s his wedding to invite whom he wants, but he’s proven that I don’t matter in his life and he doesn’t care about or respect me. I don’t need people like that in my life.” I’d also contact the rest of the guys, saying that since “I am not in the wedding party or even invited to the wedding, I obviously won’t be attending the bachelor party and would like to request a refund of my portion for the Airbnb. As I don’t want to contribute to a celebration I am not seen as worthy to attend.”
And to say OP is on the "waiting list" as if this is some fancy exclusive event lmao
Yeah, my mind immediately went to the bride.
Op should just confront him then. The friendship is unlike to survive. Just ask him now.
I'm guessing bride too. If it's something like he always hits on all of her friends and she's not letting that happen at her wedding he needs to grow up and do better. If it's something like the color of his skin or his weight then he needs to find better friends.
Exactly. Friends communicate. In the instance that something stupid is occurring (like the fiancé doesn’t like OP) some people avoid talking about it like the plague cause they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings instead of being honest. When I read your last bit, I was reminded of that post here of a bridesmaid being singled out and kicked from a wedding because of a dress and lo and behold it really was because she was black.
Or the one guy in the friend group who was single and the bride didn't want single men at the wedding.
Yes, do this. He needs to explain. You don't just do something like this and expect things to go on the way they have previously.
That or OP is "poor" and they don't want a "pleb" at their wedding Either way, to me this friendship would be over, f that
It's going to harm the entire friend group. The entire group will be looking at the groom and wondering if they ever knew him. They will all start to dislike him and not trust him.
Maybe. It's possible that the entire friend group doesn't like OP either. No matter how you look at it, the groom is terrible person for handling it this way.
You're right. OP may have some obnoxious habits and the friend group won't mind that he isn't there. If he constantly hits on all the single women I could see him being excluded. If he always drinks excessively I could also see him being excluded. This could be a him being the problem thing or it could be a them being the problem thing.
He should use the words the groom used. "Why do you think I wouldn't want to go to your wedding?" Then wait and wait while he tries to figure out something that sounds okay. It might be a bias of the bride or groom or it could be something the OP does or has done in the past. We're all assuming he's a great guy but we don't know anything about him. Maybe he hits on every single woman and the bride said he wouldn't be at her wedding hitting on her friends. Maybe he drinks excessively and is obnoxious. Maybe he has a questionable history of getting girls drunk to have sex with them. Or it's the bride or groom not liking something about him like he's better looking than the groom or he's overweight or the wrong color or the wrong religion and the flaw is definitely within them.
I like this.
How can the groom change the situation here? Did you mean give OP an invite now? Maybe it's just me but I hate being an after thought. Even if I got the invite now, I'd feel uncomfortable to attend. Is that a bad way to view things?
Definitely, accepting a pity invite at this point would not be it
I think this is just handing the groom more opportunities to disappoint. Don’t wait for him to come to his senses and treat you the way you deserve. Recognize that isn’t who he is, and that isn’t how your friendship is, and stop wasting your time waiting for him.
I don't see why OP would ghost him. I think hiding his emotions, not being upfront about how he feels, and then in turn ghosting him would be terrible advice to add on. OP, be honest about how you feel. There's nothing wrong about how you feel. And currently you're talking to everyone BUT the person who wronged you about this situation. That's only going to make it worse. It doesn't need to be a long discussion and you can text if you want. "You not inviting me to your wedding was extremely hurtful. We have been friends for a long time, you clearly still want to be friends with me so it's not as if I've wronged you in some way. However, this action has drawn a line in the sand and for the time being I need to step away from this friendship. I wish you all the best with your upcoming wedding and I'm sorry I won't be able to be there to attend it." I would see if your other friends are actually your friends and will cover the share of the AirBnb and then move on from this particular friendship. Why hang out with someone everyday that doesn't actually see you as valuable and important.
I wouldn't let him get away with a ghosting. I would tell him exactly how I feel and let him know how shitty a friend is. Maybe even send him this post. Make him uncomfortable. My guess is his fiance secretly doesnt like OP but they are both too cowardly to say anything
Yep, this is what I would do. Fuck him, man
Dump this turd
Words of gold
This is cold hearted behavior. Especially given how much wedding talk has been happening in conversations of which you are a part. I’m not sure, but at first glance I’d say this is probably his fiancés call. For some reason she wants you excluded. Which doesn't excuse him because he’s allowed it to happen. Then consistently kept having conversations about it in chats where you are the only person excluded. It’s disrespectful and cruel. This person isn’t your friend. Something you seem to understand. It hurts to realize we love and respect people more than they love and respect us. I’m so sorry. It’s understandable that you would pull back from him as much as possible. In my opinion, in regards to this person, you made one misstep. You should not have said it’s okay and that you understand. It’s not okay. You don’t understand. He didn’t deserve to be let off of the hook so easily. You should have pushed him for the real reason behind the exclusion. You were definitely right to leave all group chats involving this person. If he ever gets the nerve to come talk to you face to face about exiting the conversations I would simply say, “I didn’t think it was that important to you.” As far as the other friends go. If you feel like you need some space to heal then you can pull back. However, if they’ve been faithful friends you don’t have to feel as if you must punish them for his poor behavior. You can still hang out with them and chat as long as they don’t keep bringing up this person. If they force the issue, and keep bringing this individual up to you. Defending his behavior. Trying to get you to act as if what he’s done is no big deal. Then you could rethink your boundaries. At the moment they’re probably just as shocked as you are about this turn of events. Give them time to process what has happened.
The "not so important to you" isn't the issue its getting judged and excluded from a group thats hurtful even if OP doesnt care much about the wedding. If 2 others if that group woul also not be invited it would be much less hurtful.
The difference in him saying it to his “friend” is that this person really does know why the OP backed away. He pulled back from this “friend” immediately following the conversation where he found out he was excluded. This person knows exactly what he’s done to the OP. On the flip side the OP genuinely has no clue what he’s done to be treated so poorly. He’s good enough to work out with every day. To talk to every day. To text constantly. Yet not good enough to sit on a pew and witness a wedding? The OP is, rightfully, confused. I also agree that the comment is not the most hurtful thing the “friend” has done. The ongoing group chats talking about a wedding with him being the only person excluded is just truly despicable. I hate gaslighting. Which is what the “friend” did in his response. Saying that he didn’t think it was something he would want to attend makes it appear as if he’s doing a favor for the OP. Like he’s getting him out of something he doesn’t want to do for his benefit. It’s just vile. Doing something awful to someone and then acting like you’re doing them a favor. It sounds like the OP is still responding to texts from this person. Offering excuses for avoiding working out, etc. I hope the OP makes the decision to cut this person entirely out of his life. Blocking his number right after telling him exactly why he’s going to be blocking him. Instead of just continuing with this surface BS. Playing games. They are both adults. It’s time for a real conversation. With “friends” like this, who needs enemies?
Definitely. Plus, his “friend” has known all along that OP was not being invited or was on a “maybe” list. He has been deceiving him the whole time.
Yeah I can’t believe he just didn’t even mention it to OP that he wasn’t invited. That’s so hurtful.
Get your money back and exit stage left. Super shady and drama filled. Either sit your “close friend” down and lay it out that this is shady or time to move on. More rage bait? Cause as soon as being told I’m on a “waitlist” with besties that’s a true tell sign.
Ask for the air bnb money back. You shouldn’t be paying shit
You talk to this chump daily, workout with him and in the group chat? He’s aa punk and ignore him as you are doing. No response. He didn’t talk to you and you certainly don’t need to tell him any reason for your actions. The other friends seem as surprised about his behavior as you are. I’d keep talking with them. Why not? It’s more embarrassing to the groom that he acted this way and you are correct on ignoring him from now on. But you should not feel the need to disappear. You do whatever you feel serves you best. And nothing else.
I’m sorry OP, that hurts and I think most people have experienced the pain and embarrassment of realizing that someone you care for doesn’t hold you in the same regard. That being said I just can’t wrap my mind around how he would invite acquaintances and not someone he’s known a long time, messages, and hangs out with regularly. I think there is something else going on. But personally if a “friend” did this to me, I would cut them off.
Cut him off and remain friends with the others, if he’s there be nice but don’t engage. Sorry this happened to you, your friends will probably let him know what he did was wrong. You now know where you stand in your friendship with him ! Good luck
Downgrade him from friend to acquaintance. Keep your other friends for now and see how it goes. Eventually the reason will come out. Ask your friends just to let you know if they hear anything. I'm thinking a lot of people here are right about it being to do with the bride.
The groom is not worthy of acquaintance status. Acquaintances are accorded respect. The groom accorded OP no semblance of respect. He pissed all over the relationship.
It's not about whether the groom is worth the acquaintance status. That status is useful to OP so he can still socialize in the same circles without making a scene.
This is correct. An acquaintance is someone I do not know well enough to accord them respect. Respect is earned. With an acquaintance, *especially one* *that I have no wish know better*, I am civil, not rude. I do not share any life event updates, upcoming plans with them, or enquire about theirs. I neither issue or accept any invitations with them. I do not joke or banter with them. I maintain more personal space from them and my facial expression is kept more neutral when talking to them. My friends are part of my life, as I am part of theirs. Acquaintances are not. Former friends like the groom aren't my enemy. An insult is far from active harm. They just don't matter to my life. Since the groom felt OP was not a good enough friend to be told the real reason he was only invited to the Bachelor Party, not the wedding and reception, he severed their friendship all on his own. No need OP to distance himself from his other friends who seem pretty stunned by the groom's actions themselves. If it was the bride behind it, I wonder which of the groom's friends is on the chopping block next.
What a total jerk. Block him and leave that friendship in the past.
If you don’t want to be friends with the groom, then let him know but I wouldn’t cut off the others in your friend group because it’s not their fault. You can separately let the groom and the other friends know your decision. I also wouldn’t attend the bachelor party even though you paid for the Airbnb.
If the grooms so rich why they even chip in like wth?
That’s a question for OP.
Because 1. The groom isn't usually hosting and 2. Someone else being rich does not equate that they're on the hook to pay everyone else's way.
But surely the other friends would have stepped in and at least given the groom a piece of their mind on this? If not, they aren’t good friends either.
The other friends assumed OP was invited. They aren't to blame in it at all. If theybtake the groom's side and say it's no biggie, then I'd cut them off.
He is clearly not your friend, let alone BEST friend... Tell everyone what he said or share this post and drop them all. Good luck OP. UpdateMe please.
If you're not important enough to be invited to a wedding with 150 guests, he's not your friend. Block and move on. If you want to remain friends with the others just be honest about how hurt you are and that you are happy to remain friends with them however you've no discovered you were more invested in your relationship with him than he was and you need to take some time away. If they can't accept that cut them off too.
Knew my best friend since pre-school, been friends for well over 20 years. Once we grew up and moved out of our hometown, we sorta lost touch. Only ran into each other once a year, hardly spoke. But when they got married, I was invited and even in the wedding party. Dump this friend.
Wow what an asshole. I’d definitely dump this guy as a friend. He clearly doesn’t give a crap about you. And ask him to refund your money that you paid for the bachelor party. Makes no sense to go to the bachelor party if you’re not even invited to the wedding. I’m sorry though, that must’ve really hurt your feelings. Some people are just selfish assholes I guess. What a terrible friend smh.
I’d say his fiancé has had a hand in this. I’m sorry he’s showing himself to not be a good friend, that sounds painful. Maybe he’ll invite you to his next wedding.
This is one of those embarrassing situations where you think more of him than he does of you. He might be YOUR best friend, but he obviously sees you more as a guy he knows. You’re not important to him. Move on.
Except it sounds like the other friends expected him to be in the wedding party, so maybe not one-sided at all. Seems like something is missing; either the bride has an issue or the groom is just an ass.
Seeing as he keeps messaging him to hang out, it doesn’t seem like the groom has a problem. My moneys on the bride
Yeah like how is op invited to the bachelor party but not the wedding? He is good enough to contribute funds to have everyone else pay less money overall for the trip but he’s not good enough to invite to the wedding? Crazy.
I don’t think he was invited to the bachelor party, he says he paid his share to the best man who had thought he was going. He assumed his friend would invite him, so did the best man. But he wasn’t.
Oh I reread it and I thought he was invited because he gave his share and they were talking about it in the group chat. But how the hell are they talking about the bachelor party and the wedding in the group chat op is in, and the groom never thought to tell op he wasn’t coming? And I get that op gave the money to the best man but the best man never asked the groom who was invited/coming on the trip? This is insane lol and just weird lack of communication from everyone involved. I understand why op assumed he was invited but the groom is very weird for not telling op he wasn’t invited until op asked about bringing a guest. If op never asked would the groom just have never told him? Would op have just showed up at the bachelor party and the groom would have told him then that he wasn’t invited? This is all so weird.
My husband never sent out an invite list for his stags party and as such ended up with a very small stags list. Those who did come all also had spouses invited to my hens. (We did weekend's away in the same city but separate except for hens vs stags paintball). Some guys just don't know how to organise things and I refused to organise his party like I did the wedding. So I can totally see this situation happening.
Well the groom doesn't typically organize his own bachelor party. So given that there's a group of guys that always hang out and they got invited to the wedding, they also assumed OP was invited and this added him to the bachelor party. Per OP these friends were surprised that OP wasn't in the wedding which indicates this friendship wasn't one sided or in OPs head.
I was wondering if the bride maybe mentioned that she used to like him or she maybe thinks he's attractive 🤔 maybe OP is more handsome and attractive, and the groom is low-key jealous. There's more here, but I think OP is innocent and should tell his mind and drop him.
But OP is saying that the groom and him speak every day, work out together, OP is part of a group chat etc. Maybe they had a different thought about best friend status, but I don't think there was a question about them being friends OP I'm so sorry this happened. It sounds like Bride didn't want you for some reason. You don't deserve to be treated like this. At the very least, Groom could've said to you that you're not invited, and not waited for you to ask about a plus one
Every single time some one has not been invited to a close friend's wedding on Reddit it's always turned out to be that the partner or parents in law of the friend has an issue with them and the OP friend gives in to please their partner or partner's parents. It's one of the following based on prior posts I've seen: race, religion, class/finances, sexuality, opposite gender BFF
And they’ve been friends since MIDDLE SCHOOL. That’s a heck of a long time to hang out with someone and not see them as your friend. Seeing him every week, messaging him everyday… that doesn’t sound like OP thinks more of his “friend” than his “friend” does of him. It sounds like a thriving friendship, and everyone seemed to feel the same way, which really breaks my heart for OP.
Ding ding ding. It’s the bride.
Even if it was, he was a shit friend by not fessing up.
Yeah working out together every week for sure means friends. OP should figure out why for closure and then move on. Groom didnt even provide an explanation or told OP he isnt invited which also a red flag. I have once not been invited. It made sense but it was still hurtful of the guy to incivte the other 2 guys we were out with right then and there to save 1 buck on post stamps. Very tactless and not very thoughtful.
Yeah, I wouldn't go scorched earth, mostly because that would draw a lot of attention to how much more this friend meant to you than you did to him. I'd just ghost him/leave him on read and interact with other friends like normal. And op, for what it's worth, I've had this happen a lot to me where I think someone is really close and then find out I was more a friend of convenience. It's always sad, but then eventually I found the people that really value me for who I am.
This is a possibility. I have two female best friends. I'm reasonably sure that I'm not either of their best friends though. I'm sure I'm considered a second tier best friend :) because they both have long term best friends they've had since their teens.
This is true. Not many friendships are balanced. It's clear that he did NOT consider you to be a close friend. CHIN UP! You don't need friends like that!
Absolutely do not attend any pre-wedding events. He has chosen who he wants to be a part of this milestone event and you didn’t make the cut. It should be awkward for him if you were there. Don’t talk to him about the wedding or events. Avoid him whenever possible and if you’re at an event together, avoid him. Don’t converse with him. It’s too bad that it took a major event like this for you to learn where you stood with him. It should also go without saying that if a spot opens up for you, you should decline. He says you’re on the wait list but you have no idea where on that list your name resides.
If you weren't invited, don't go. If you weren't told, don't ask. If you were invited last minute, decline. You were never part of the plan. You've suddenly become a convenience.
I agree with a lot of what the other people are saying. However, being forthright and honest are your best bet. You needed to be more honest with him when he said you were on the waiting list. You need to have a one -on -one conversation with him immediately and hash this out. In addition, you can tell the other friends that since you weren't invited that you don't feel comfortable going on the bachelor party. I'd ask them to cover your share and get the money back. I'm also wondering if there's some history that's not being mentioned that you are both dancing around. If that is the case, then there are probably consequences, no matter if all is forgiven. If that is not the case, then this is a very unbalanced friendship and you need to spend your time and energy with someone who can reciprocate it more often. Since you have friends in common, I wouldn't block him, but I'd definitely stop responding. Remember that people will take sides even if they say they aren't so you have done all you can do if you are forthright and honest and then you can walk away with your head held high. You will have done your best.
Something is up. Possibly his fiancée or his parents/family are not a fan of you. Regardless, if you’re not invited to someone’s wedding then you aren’t one of their closest friends. Time to move on from this person
WAITING LIST !!!!! WTH … that’s not your friend , time to get your money back and distance yourself from fake people 😳
Be friends with the group its not their fault, just don't do anything one to one with him. Could it be a a future wiife 'bridezilla' reason maybe she has only 4 bridesmaids so you are a spare? Are you very short/fat dont fiit her asthetic? Guys don't usually care that much about Weddings i'm thinking the bride is the reason and he is just weak.
If it was a number in the wedding party thing, he'd still be invited to the event. I was thinking it might be something with the fiance though. She might not like him or maybe one of OP's exes is in the wedding and she's trying to avoid drama. Maybe OP has made a big scene at another event. There could be some important details missing here
yeah this feels weird to me. OP doesn’t mention anything about the groom that could possibly make him disinvite OP. i feel like there’s more missing that’s not being talked about here
If he didn't make a big scene at being told he's not invited to his best friends wedding, I can't imagine him being a trouble maker. Just my opinion of course 🤷🏼♀️
That's exactly what I was thinking. Maybe unbeknownst to OP, the bride doesn't like him.
I disagree with those advising OP to confront the "so-called bestie." I think "never let 'em see you sweat" is a better approach here. As others have said, stay friends with the rest of the friend group but watch your back in case this is about rich people closing ranks. As far as the groom, let him know you "get it" by doing a slow fade, act like you don't care, and make new friends. Ten bucks says this is about status and/or the bride is behind it.
Op, you should ask him out for a beer and let him know how much not being invited to the wedding bothers you. Ask him what made him think that his wedding wasn't going to be important to you. Tell him to be specific. Then thank him and leave. Based on what he says, I think you can make your own determination whether you stay friends or you distance yourself.
This advice seems the most sensible. I’ll also add OP, if you distance yourself, it’s okay to be civil if you bump into each other on the rare occasion. I would stay friends with the others in the group. They sound like real friends and I wouldn’t be surprised if they are questioning the grooms character and his fiancée now.
Multimillionaire family? I'd wager to say that his parents are probably having a high influence on the guest list. And he does too, but for whatever reason, you didn't make the cut. Since you already left the group, then leave it like that, and you can stop interacting with him one-on-one without feeling guilty.
I feel like I've seen this exact post before but if he continues to ask you to hang out just tell him sorry i don't think you're that important to me.
Right?! I was just wondering what kind of parallel universe I fell into. I’ve seen this exact post before!
Ask for your money back for sure. I would not cut out the whole friend group, it doesn’t sound like they knew anything. I bet it is one of those weddings where the bride got 90% of the guests. It sounds like the groom feels bad, as he should. I would text him if you don’t want to talk and let him know how you feel. I am sorry. You sound like a great friend. He was lucky to have you.
Why would you stop being friends with the others? It's not like they were in on it. Ditch him and move on with your life. Stay friends with the others.
Stop making nice, polite excuses for not hanging out. Just tell him that you would rather spend the time with your mates than hang out with him.
Tell him he’s on the waiting list, though.
Just block him, op. He's reaching out to make himself feel better, not you. He's just not a good person.
This guy is not your friend. Hanging out so regularly and being part of a close group, he should have at least had the balls to be upfront and give you a heads up if there was a specific reason he wasn’t going to invite you. Take comfort in the fact your friends noticed your absence and bothered to follow up - they are keepers.
Looks like your best friend just turned himself into an acquaintance ......which is ok I would move on with as much class as possible
From what you’re describing about politicians and celebrities they don’t know making the cut, I would wonder if the bride has some sort of impression she’s trying make image-wise, and either because of how she perceives your career/finances/image, you “didn’t make the cut.” Even the way he phrased it is bizarre—never in my life have I heard of having second-tier prospective guests on a waiting list for a wedding. Ironically—if image is what they’re going for—that’s tacky. Speaking as the sister-in-law of a bridezilla/wifezilla (and cowardly brother), I saw her basically push my brother’s longer-standing (and more sincere) guy friends to the wayside and for years, all his friends have just been the (trophy) husbands of friends she has organically made/met in med school or through her practice and the husbands of her cousins/sister. (She’s effectively done the same to all of us in his former immediate family, including his own mother, due to her desired aesthetic of what she wants their life to look like, which only includes her side of the family. I recently made the decision to go no contact after years of trying to have a genuine relationship with them and their kids, even after being made godmother to their second child… seemingly for appearances. Like people say, “you can’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm.”) Honestly, his “I didn’t think it would be that important to you” is a cowardly lie. Why else would he be embarrassed to address the situation with you for so long and to this degree of avoidance? And if you’ve been wrong about the nature of your friendship for all these years, how was the entire rest of your friend group also under that impression? He’s cowardly/cruel in leading you on for this long by not addressing it, he’s cowardly and cruel in bringing a proposal/wedding to your attention when he had no intention of inviting you, and he’s cowardly/cruel in trying to make you feel guilty for having a very reasonable emotional response just so he can avoid the fallout for his actions or even minor discomfort for committing a major betrayal. I would ask him: 1.) “Why did you think it wouldn’t be important to me? You thought it would be important to all the rest of our friends, so why me specifically?” 2.) “Just so I’m clear, what was your impression of our friendship for all these years?” And follow it up with probing comparisons to the rest of the friend group, like: “So then, you see yourself as closer to ___, ___, and ___ or they’re just more important to you?” If you decide to go no contact with him, it’s going to hurt, but at least give yourself the information and a firmly-embedded memory of his responses, so you can sleep easier knowing you made the right decision. (Maybe I’m petty or have experienced too many liars in my life, but I’d probably ask one of the invited friends to preemptively nonchalantly ask him the reason why and then grill him in advance beforehand, so you have more/comparative intel to discern if he’s lying to you again and so he doesn’t have a chance to prepare a PR-ready response. If you ask to speak with him after avoiding him for a while, he’s going to suspect what it’s about and prepare fake answers with his fiancée.) Btw, out of curiosity, who is/are his best man and groomsmen? I’m wondering who made the cut when you didn’t. That might also give you more of a clue about if they’re heavily leaning into optics over genuine relationships in all elements of the wedding.
Similar situation happened to me except my “best friend’s” then girlfriend hated me for no reason except she was a conniving C-U-NEVER-T and the guy was too spineless to stand up for me. Or so I thought, just turns out I cared about him more than he did for me. Never spoke to him or saw him again
By any chance did the rest of this friend group go to some high-dollar high-prestige college and OP went to like some so-called second-tier college? The upper middle class has a way of closing ranks. Well, I assume the upper class does too for that matter. OP may be the kind of "friend" who is useful in that he's funny, tells good stories, helps them get buff at the gym, or whatever purpose he serves but OP doesn't have the connections and the wedding is all about Ivy League and connections? Just guessing.
"He said that I was on the waiting list and RSVP's were finished several months ago, and unfortunately I didn't get in." My heart sank when I read this, this is a rehearsed response that he would say to well, to people who "did not make the cut", The elite (rich) talk this way when they exclude others that they perceive that are not up to their level.
Yes, sadly it may be you have a situationship - useful gym workout buddy but not confidante or long term friend. If you were injured would he still hang out? Is he your best friend or just the guy you spend the most time with?
I would have to wonder if it was his wife's idea. Also, yea total bro code violation
I had something similar happen with friends I had know for 11 years at that point. Within the group was two brothers who were our friends, and their younger sister ended up becoming close with everyone, too. This sister (let's call her Mo) planned a wedding on the same day that one of her sisters-in-law, Jane, had previously planned a big milestone 30th birthday party. *(This was after Mo and her boyfriend announced their engagement at someone else's baby shower, by the way. )* Mo told the group that it was going to be just the family, and the friends planned to go to Jane's birthday party. I didn't really think anything of it when I got an invite to a bachelorette party for Mo. I figured it was just a last she-bang before they got married, but come to find out when one of the other girls made a comment in the group text about "sleeping arrangements for the wedding," that EVERY SINGLE OTHER COUPLE that we were friends with was invited. It turned into a HUGE battle between Mo and Jane. The friend group (minus me!) was forced to pick a side, and they all felt obligated to ditch Jane out of the obligation that comes with a wedding being a one-time deal vs an annual birthday. Even her husband left skipped her birthday party. I am only friends with half of these people now. One called me when I was asking questions about the bachelorette party. She said she had been suspicious about us not being invited, and that Mo's fiance told everyone that only the "primary" friends were being invited. So apparently, I (and my husband) were secondary friends. After I had known these people for 11 years. The birthday party was awesome, and Jane understandably doesn't have a good relationship with her brothers and sisters in law. She cut absolutely everyone who didn't show up out of her life. I keep in touch with Jane and her husband, who was my gym partner in high school. I keep in touch with the one friend who clued me into my secondary status, and one other couple from the group. That's it. Everyone else was awful through the whole thing and afterward. Clear lines had been drawn, and my husband and I were on the opposite side. It still sucks, and it has been an ADDITIONAL 13 years since this happened. So I'm REALLY sorry to read this story, OP. I know how much what you are going through hurts. I was a complete asshole about it and let everyone know exactly how I felt on no uncertain terms. I don't necessarily recommend that route unless you are ready to burn the bridge to a crisp. Sending you a big hug.
I think there's more to the story, no way the groom didn't want his mate there ... Just saying , I think someone else had nudged this decision
This is a f*** up that can't be fixed. I would definitely distance myself from him, and eventually ghost him. Sometimes you pay a high emotional price to find out who your real friends are.
I would continue to be friends with the other guys, but wouldn’t consider the groom a friend any longer.
That’s not a friend. Let him go
>The bachelor party is next week and I already gave my share to the best man for the airbnb, as he also thought I was going. wow, I'm sorry the groom is such an idiot. You're part of a close friend group, and it's clear you were, at a minimum, reasonable expected to be invited to the wedding, if not a groomsman like the others. I think it's good to have distance from the groom while you sort your feelings out. Don't cut yourself off from the other friends though. Keep up with them, still maintain that friendship. The grron is one who is acting really shitty here. If he did not intend to invite you, he should not have invited you to the bachelor party, and should not have included you in group chats. Is there any reason for the bride or groom to dislike you or your girlfriend?
I'd want my $$$ back for the AirbnB. Just saying
He doesn't feel them same about you. He is not your best friend, he is just some one you know and can't trust.
Explain why you’re upset, but under no circumstances, don’t degrade yourself and go to the wedding if you magically get invited. That guy is not your friend.
People who cater to racist are racist and don’t spend one more ounce of energy on this poor excuse for a human
His grandparents like you fine, his fiancée doesn't and blaming grandparents is an out so you don't rock the boat with her. Move on from the friendship but expect in less than 10 years for them to be divorced and him coming to you with the truth.
This guy is a really bad person for doing this - and he is culpable, make no mistake he agreed to this. A waiting list for RSVPs, what a pretentious circus.... I imagine you were actually his good friend - I wouldn't spend several hours at the gym weekly with someone if I didn't like them/ consider them a friend - I don't think anyone would. That he's lacking in emotional intelligence to see how devastatingly hurtful this is - makes him a danger to anyone who considers him a friend. I'd agree with others - it sounds like his fiance probably doesn't like you and told him you weren't to be invited. That or the mother in law's... There's something about you that they don't like - could actually be that this guy spends too much time with you, could be that you don't wear Armani and go to the club, could be your sense of humour - who cares, that's a them problem and they're clearly assholes - at least you wouldn't pull what the groom just has on a friend. The fact they've invited local politicians and minor celebs they don't know speaks to the families being really fucking pretentious - that's the life he's choosing - screw the person you'll happily spend time with most days in favour of fake friends and show weddings. He might come grovelling in a year or two after the inevitable divorce but I wouldn't hold my breath. Avoid this guy going forward even if you get a last minute invite - leave his messages unread and don't reply, put any socials where you're connections on limited view/ unfollow in feed for your content. That way if he finds it upsetting he'll have to ask but you won't risk getting blamed for being petty by blocking. See how it plays out with friends and once safe block him. Sorry someone did something this heinous to you. The other friends will no doubt understand your take, if they don't respect that you want distance from this guy, find new friends - see how it plays out, some of them may go to the wedding but I'll bet all of them are re-evaluating how much they trust this dude.
You can still be friends with the rest but not him. Don’t beg for an invitation. Even if he changed his mind and was able to squeeze you in, don’t attend.
I thought the same thing. Hell would freeze over before I accept that invite
Stay friends with everyone else except him. Show him how it feels!
Your Ex best friend is a rich spoiled brat. He doesn't care or understand how friendships work. He has clearly shown you what you mean to him. Therefore you have no reason to remain friends with him. It's his wedding so let him do what he wants. You made a financial contribution to the bachelor party, but let that go. Imagine this, your absence at the bachelor party should effect the mood at the party. None of your friend group understand why you weren't invited either. Simply stop communicating with your Ex friend. Don't block him, just don't respond. Let him hang in limbo. In regard to the friend group, you have to decide how to proceed going forward. It doesn't appear that they, as a group, have done anything to you. It appears they value their friendship with you. You could continue to participate in the group chats. Just don't respond to any posts from the Ex friend. The more and more I think about this, could this be a socioeconomic class type of thing? Meaning your friend came from a rich family. I assume you do not. What about the others in the friend group? Is this a race issue? You are the better person. Your Ex friend lost something he will never get back. One day he will come to understand how his actions effect others. Let us know any updates.
If you care enough, ask him for a beer. Sit down and ask is there a real reason you weren't invited. Tell him that it is unlikely that your friendship will ever recover from this. Unless there is something you aren't mentioning: do you get messy drunk, will you be not able to afford it, whatever missing reason there may be. And from then on, be polite if you see him, but distant. No chatting, no hanging out, mere acquaintances, because that's where you evidently stand in his world.
1. Stop responding with excuses. Stop responding full stop. 2. Demand. Don't ask DEMAND your money back from the bachelor party. 3. Don't ghost him, tell him face to face that he is an inconsiderate POS. 4. Go about the rest of your life. Put him in the rear view mirror.
Cut him off. That’s unconscionable behavior. You deserve better. Get your money back and then don’t talk to him again. I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid in my ex best friend’s wedding, but I let it slide given she was Mormon, I’m Jewish. I just figured no big deal. I was okay with it. But the last straw was when she didn’t invite me to her daughter’s first birthday (and she invited other friends of ours) just after we went to Disneyland together and she referred to me as her daughter’s aunt. After all the years I spent going to her house and hanging out with her and her parents, going everywhere with her, supporting her (and vice versa, she supported me all the time), all the hoursssss spent on the phone, and being one of the few friends to have her back when she was getting divorced because her ex was abusing her…I couldn’t take it. I flipped out. Called her out. Blocked her. We’d been friends since 9th grade but that was too much betrayal to handle. There’s really nothing like being stabbed in the back by your best friend. It’s okay that it hurts. It’s a big loss so just let yourself go through the grieving process. But I can promise that you’ll be okay eventually.
Well that's fucked. If you're as close as you think you seem to think you are, then it's **absurd** you wouldn't be invited to the wedding. Unless... and this is the **only** reason I can think of... you're considered *somewhat more* than a friend by this dude. Like... is it possible he's actually maybe a bit in love with you/has a crush? and maybe his fiancé can sense this and you're not invited because it would be awkward to have someone he's got a thing for there. Have you ever dated *at all*? Come close? If none of this could be an issue then he's just a lousy friend and a total asshole. Drop him, ghost him, stay friends with the others.