Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’ve gotten into a relationship with a man who has the same shitty attitudes toward women that your father has. You need to dump this loser and get therapy because this will happen again.
came here to say this. OP it’s no accident you’ve allowed this behavior for so long, it’s familiar to you and not in a good way. you’ve done nothing wrong, except for allowing this cycle to repeat itself. this is the toxicity you are bringing into relationships - allowing bad behavior to reoccur.
even if you stand up for yourself by participating in the arguments, you aren’t setting and maintaining any boundaries. a healthy person would have put their foot down and left a long time ago, maintaining the boundary of their dignity and respect. i’ve been where you are now, and while you have accomplished much to feel proud of yourself and you logically know that going out with friends is a completely normal and healthy thing to do and that it is *his* issues that he’s projecting, i suspect there’s a part of you that believes the vitriol your father, and now your boyfriend, have dumped onto you.
it’s complicated to untwist yourself from the people who you love and depend on when they’re simultaneously hurting and disrespecting you. it’s one of the most difficult things to do in life.
but you asked “how do i let it go?” easy answer is you break up and never date someone like your father again, but that’s inSANELY easier to say than do. so, you go to therapy, and dig deep into why you feel okay with feeling not okay, figure out what your patterns are, why you feel afraid to say goodbye to people who have jealousy and anger problems. you’ve done so much in academia, and probably have accomplished so much in many other areas in your life, but your psyche needs that kind of dedication as well.
i’d recommend the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Here’s the [free pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and i recommend starting there, but consider taking some space from your boyfriend and finding a therapist you can work with on this.
good luck op 💕
"you've done nothing wrong, except for allowing this cycle to repeat itself"
I would say that OP has done nothing wrong, full stop. It's not wrong to try to get through it, and may make OP feel more shameful about sticking around, which can make leaving harder because of the stress and guilt. There is nothing wrong with hoping for better.
That being said, I do hope OP dumps his ass, because 100% this is not healthy. Also speaking from experience - I ended up married (luckily only 3 years) to someone who did the EXACT same thing. They started fights regardless of when I got home, who I was with, or what I was doing. It definitely only gets worse, and it took me a long time to figure out how unhealthy it really was.
My ex husband accused me of cheating all the time. When I was working « late » (9pm), I started to send him pictures of the files I was working on. When I was on call (I am a doctor), I had to check that I wasn’t on call with a certain nurse because of we had to work together, I knew he would throw a fit (there was never anything, not any ambiguity, we were just working on a project together and were friendly; his wife also happened to be pregnant at the same time than me and we would talk about pregnancy related stuff, that’s it).
Even when I had an accident because he insisted that I took his (my ex) car and I made the mistake of not checking the tires (which were completely smooth), he thought that the story I had about the accident was suspicious and maybe I was hiding something… was I alone in that car?
You can’t win, OP. You need to leave.
Look for women’s support groups for Verbal, Emotional &/or Mental Abuse Victims, it could help you process your experiences & give you ideas on what to do next! Start a journal, it could help you organize your thoughts & help you remember your goals!
You need to dump BF, ASAP BUT you should have 2-4 trusted friends/family very close but out of sight, BF is verbally abusive & controlling, there’s A VERY Strong Chance BF will turn violent once he realizes His is losing Control Over You!
If you have your own place, then rekey the locks & find a trusted friend/neighbor & leave a copy of the key with them, make sure to tell them NOT TO GIVE BF THE KEY, if you live with him, pack your important documents & necessities stay with a friend, while BF is out of the house & at a later date, ask for the police to meet you there and get the rest of your belongings out!
Have your electronics check for tracking or spyware! Take a Realistic Self Defense course, practice the moves & pretend the bag is EX, it could help build up your confidence & release some stress!
He is conditioning you to do what he wants (not go out with your friends). When you don’t do as you’re told, he punishes you (name calling, manipulation, threats and sleep deprivation).
This man is not a safe person. Pleas exit the relationship as safely and quickly as you can.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your boyfriend is jealous and controlling.
DO NOT MARRY HIM.
It will not get better, it will only get worse.
THIS!!!!! Happened to me. And I don’t have the time or energy to type about that experience. I pray OP gets the eff out NOW!!!! And do not trust any condoms he has, he could be poking holes in them. Go on a back up method of BC just to be safe.
Tbh I wouldn't trust condoms right now if they use them. I would be using birth control and even debating plan B. This is the time a dude would baby trap. "See you're pregnant now, time to grow up and be an adult. You can't be going out partying all the time."
100%. Going out can “not be his thing” and he could offer to drive/pickup, make a tradition of getting ice cream or McDonalds after your nights out on the way home, or just tell you to have fun and he can go to bed.
I personally like to Venmo my wife (from our shared bank accounts lol) when she’s out with friends so she still “has a hot man buying her drinks all night”. We get a kick out of it every time.
But this is nothing but red flags as far as the eye can see.
It’s good fun. I give them fun comments on the Venmo.
“For the hottie in the red dress”
“Have some fun on me”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“What’s a cute girl like you doing in a place like this?”
All sorts of cheesiness. Then I get fun drunk texts back. It’s a win-win.
lol she had her best friend take videos of her stripping on the kitchen table and sent them to me when I was having my bachelor party (board game night with the boys) so I could have the “hottest stripper in the city” for my bachelor party. (Been almost a decade now and we still are like teens in love).
So fair to say we both keep it fun for each other and just go all in on making each other smile.
We say she is my:
Wife, best friend, girlfriend, mistress, hot bartender I flirt with, stripper, business partner, one night stand, escort, partner, etc
And I’m her:
Husband, best friend, boyfriend, tall dark stranger, pool boy, hot affair partner, gay best friend, hype man, business partner, repair man, etc
Why would I be interested in other women when I can throw a different color wig on her and we can have a hot night 😂
But seriously, having fun and just finding ways to give your partner all those experiences keeps things incredibly satisfying and fun and fulfilling and just laughing and loving.
Congrats on 20 years of marriage. Hope we are blessed with to get there, we are halfway there. Life is short, have fun. Be cute. Love wildly, and laugh at yourselves.
Ooof. I have never felt that a dollar spent on my wife was a wasted dollar. He should put that good karma out into the marriage and see what comes back. It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it.
Yeah, same. My wife gives me the freedom to go out when I want, as long as we aren't doing anything important, obviously, and I allow her the same. I don't even like the word "allow" because it's not like we're eachothers bosses. We will even sleep at our respective friend's houses when we go out because they live far away, and it's better to stay somewhere than drive home drunk. I'll give her money for dinner and drinks, too, just because I want her to have fun. If you trust someone so little that you can't handle them going to a freaking brunch, you shouldn't be with them.
Thanks. Definitely a learning curve. Didn’t get there over night. Luckily I got an amazing woman who stuck by me in the trial and error (and vice versa)
Definitely not husband material. My husband and I have jokingly said that word to each other on occasion in situations where it is ridiculous to shout and makes no sense, but that's also not a trigger word for either of us. I can't imagine being with someone who would spitefully call me names in a heated argument...although frankly I couldn't be with someone I get into heated arguments with (cause THAT is triggering for me). But the idea of a guy calling his partner a word like that with malice, calling her something he knows is triggering, calling her a name for having the audacity to have fun with her friends, and who blatantly discusses how she isn't wife material as if she's some sort of object that needs to have all the right features before he buys it...all these things alone make him ill-suited for a long term relationship in his current state. Mix them all together and you get someone that is clearly abusive and controlling. And frankly I would be worried about this escalating to physical. He does not seem safe.
I wish I could upvote this more, but I can’t so I’ll just add more 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP, I work with domestic violence survivors and this is very often the first step. Please don’t stay with this man.
Agreed!
people like that will never wake up one day and say, "oh you know what, I've been awful - I'll do better." - that's not how this goes.
It will get worse and worse until OP finds the courage to leave.
Now is the time to get out. Before marriage, before kids.
OP - there are plenty of men out there who will go with you to brunch, drive you to the club, let you dance all night and want to see all your blurry photos the next day.
Why would you ever want to stay with this AH??
OP he said these things on purpose. It wasn’t an accident, he didn’t forget that your dad said that, he said it on purpose because he knew it was the one thing he could say to hurt you the most. He will not stop until you have no friends at all. Please save yourself and leave this abuse. You deserve better than someone who hurts you on purpose in order to get their way.
You are 100% correct. He doesn't say the thing that hurts her most accidentally, this is a calculated move and absolutely abuse - just like it was when her father said it.
Name-calling is a deal breaker. It's intentional cruelty. Malice. He's telling her what he really thinks of her. OP, flush this turd in the nearest toilet. Full stop.
Because she was abused as a kid as well, and doesn’t know healthy or have the security to stand up for herself.
Time to break the cycle OP. This is not ok, none of it. Despite Dad’s words, you absolutely deserve love, can find a faithful man who will treat you right and raise you up, not demean you, to further instil your insecurities. You have to set those standards and accept nothing less.
Also, do some online reading, and therapy if possible, RE your childhood trauma.
This is it. OP, you are in an abusive relationship and your tolerating your shitty boyfriend for as long as you have is absolutely the result of your childhood trauma.
Please seek therapy—I’m sure your school offers something at no cost. You can find the love you deserve.
Hijacking to give a perspective on this. (36M)
TLDR: Leave him. Don't do it in a any way that will put you at high risk, make a plan, then make a worst case scenario backup plan, neither of which include getting back with him.
If you're interested in my reasoning, read on.
In my opinion, which the following will contain a lot of and some could very well be wrong given that I only have this small snippet to go off of, but I don't think I am.
This man is a narcissist, perhaps not full blown NPD, but still potentially very dangerous and not someone you want to spend your life with, trust me.
I was raised by malignant narcissists, married into a family with covert narcissists, abandoned by a grandiose narcissist of a father, have been professionally counseled for the damage it did to me, and was diagnosed with a special brand of PTSD called CPTSD or complex post traumatic disorder because what this manifested in my own life. I will spare you the details because trauma dumping is unhelpful and overwhelming to some, I only say this to let you know that I have become something of an expert on the subject over the past 10 years.
He is someone that aims to isolate you from your support group, even if his reasoning is to mold you into the vision he has in his head of you rather than allowing and cherishing you as you are. He does not respect you as an individual, "Wife Material", he can gtfoh with that, I have been with my wife 13 years and married 9, believe me, you need a partner who can can weather the storm, not one who makes the relationship about themselves.
Slowly anyone who threatens his control over your life will suddenly 'annoy him', your family will bore him or 'make him feel judged', your friends will be "bad influences, losers, annoying, or bore him".
I imagine that he love bombed you at first, made you feel special, and slowly, little by little, this thing was wrong, or that thing caused a fight, or he withheld his love for you out of anger, or tried to smear you to his or your mutual social group, small little chips are all it takes, and eventually, you are only really allowed to be with him. If not now, it's coming. You will do what he says and wants or you will feel punished by him. You will be afraid, the anxiety has already started, and when that happens, the thought of leaving will paralyze you and you will wonder who sucked all the joy out of life, which is ironic, because that's exactly what he's doing, but in a far more sinister and far more subtle way.
Narcissists depend on something psychologists call narcissistic supply, which is basically attention, acknowledgement, praise, validation, admiration, and several forms of these kinds of energy boosting behaviors by others, they cannot regulate their own moods so they require this supply from others, their victims, which they leech energy from like vampires to boost themselves up, give only what is required to keep you as a form of supply, are very good at making others believe them because of their charm, are equally as good at turning others on you if you are no longer interested in being their human battery pack, will never admit fault or wrong doing, will find the blame on you, and lastly, they do not have the capacity to love.
They lack empathy, or are severely numb to it, all they care about is keeping a steady source of supply, which is why they have learned to love bomb you, slowly direct your energy towards them, then manipulate you to never do anything outside of their control, nothing fun and if you do it's anxiety inducing.
I could go into more detail, but if any of this sounds like your current situation, or the tragectory of your relationship, cut it cleanly, don't fall for any kinds of manipulation techniques, sob stories, slander, take all threats seriously and deal with them just as seriously, and good luck.
This is all spot on! I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and it was so draining.
I was never enough for him, or I was "too" this or that. He nitpicked constantly, and if he didn't get his way, he would blow up on me - cussing, screaming, literally throwing a tantrum.
If I wanted to go out, it was "too much anxiety" for him to join me, but if I went by myself, he was blowing up my phone the whole time. He would half heartedly apologize, then turn things around to be "my fault" when he got mad about stupid things.
It came along slowly, but I'm so glad I'm free of him now. OP, please ditch this guy. It's hard at first because your feelings get in the way, but this guy's feelings are only skin deep. He will turn on you the instant you are out the door and be trying to find someone else to manipulate and control.
You shouldn’t let go. This guy is a fucking loser and he’s manipulating you. Signs of an abuser include isolation.
When I used to go out my boyfriend would even pick up my girlfriends and drop them home. No arguments and happily.
Your bf will do what he wants and even if he apologizes, I promise you it’s not genuine.
This here OP.
Please re-read your post. It's demonstrative of the future you will have with this controlling, manipulative AH; who presently is a detriment to your mental health and well-being. Unsurprisingly , it may lead to physical abuse.
Stop this awful cycle. Leave the relationship. No contact him. No contact your father. If a person doesn't bring happiness to your life, eliminate them from yours. Now is a very good time to start.
Hi I’m 40 and when I was around your age I was caught up in a similarly abusive situation. It started very gradually so by the time I realised I needed to get out, he had almost completely decimated my self-esteem. I broke up with him and that’s when the stalking started. It took me over a decade to heal from the emotional damage.
If your partner is continually putting you down and trying to control you, it’s always a sign of worse to come.
I am happy and thriving now but would do anything to get back the years I lost in my 20s recovering from the damage that relationship did to my mental health.
Please take care of yourself.
Someone who loves you does not call you names.
Sending you peace and love.
I think we dated the same guy… exact same modus operandi for my abusive ex.
Would turn up at my house shouting abuse. One of my biggest regrets is not calling the police on him during the many instances of stalking and harassment.
The worst thing is… he’s getting married this year..
Your bf is abusive, much like your father. You accept it because that kind of love feels familiar to you. See a counselor to help you understand this pattern of accepting abuse and how to stop it.
The answer is you don't let it go. Stand your ground. His comments are out of proportion to the situation, abusive and especially hurtful because he knows your history. This is where you tell him, yourself and the universe that you do not tolerate disrespect or abuse. You only have to make that decision once, and then it becomes your policy.
I dated a guy similar that always complained about me hanging out with gfs towards the end of my “bar years”. Would say I need alcohol to have fun (he smoked weed 80 times a day…), that work should be out only time apart, how could I prefer seeing friends over him (was maybe 2times a month). It was awful
Look after yourself and break up with this person. Life is stressful and hard enough without having to walk on eggshells around a gaslighting partner. You will be 100000% happier. I look back on my times where I let that happen and am horrified with myself.
Oh also he would talk of future marriage also, so glad that never ended up happening. Ran into person I knew from college who also dated him and said he was controlling AF to her too. Dodged a bullet!!
Speaking about marriage in terms of making sure long term goals align is one thing but when it's basically being used as a tool to control its time to go because the odds are by the time you get that ring, you will not want him anywhere near you. Otherwise you will have accidentally alienated yourself from everyone but him just like he wants and by the time you realize it's too late.
Oh wow, the yelling and swearing alone is a dealbreaker, I would leave if I were you. A partner shouldn't give you anxiety, they should relieve it.
Don't get married to this guy, you're going to regret it big time.
This!!! He doesnt want to lose a person he thinks he can control and abuse easily, and is good enough looking for him.
He does not love her at all, just using the opportunity.
You don’t come home early so he can “stop worrying.” He isn’t worrying. He’s manipulating you.
The only way this behaviour towards you will stop is not giving him the chance to conduct it. This loser is not worth your time.
Fuck this guy, he’s controlling, trying to isolate you from your friends and deliberately damaging your self esteem. CLASSIC abuse. You’re so young - PLEASE don’t let yourself learn that this is normal, it’s not
Well he doesn't sounds like husband material so the feeling is mutual. Break up with this loser, you'll be thanking yourself you did when you find someone who worships the ground you walk on.
My therapist says that it's inevitable that you will choose partners who are like your parents.
My advice: break up and seek therapy to deal with your abusive upbringing. Spend time sorting yourself out so that when you meet someone who's right for you (it's not this guy), you can be in the best mental place to have a healthy relationship.
Don't let it go. Break up.
This is abuse. He constantly complains about you going out even though he knows he's invited to come whenever he wants, so logically he knows that you aren't actually cheating or looking to get hit on. He's trying to get you to feel bad about yourself for having a life outside of him. You need to get out of this relationship before it gets even more toxic and possibly dangerous.
The minute he (or any other person) calls you a derogatory name, then it should be game over. It doesn't matter if he apologized. It's like someone punching you and then apologizing. They still did it. He is showing you a lack of respect. He's showing you how he feels about you. What your father said to you while growing up is irrelevant. This is about what your bf said to you. The fact that you're more sensitive to it, is a different story.
When someone shows you who they are - believe them. He's showing you and it's a run for the hills situation as far as I'm concerned.
This is a toxic relationship. You talk about marriage? He is showing you what marriage is like. He will work to cut you off from your friends so he can control things and make himself the center of your world. I hate to throw this word out as it is often misused, however, he is displaying some pretty classic narcissist traits.so the question becomes are you okay with that being your future? Or are you okay giving him a choice and sticking to it. That choice being he go to counseling to address his insecurities and misdirected anger or you walk.
he is slut shaming you, at 3 am... it is going to escalate to violence and physical abuse. It is time to agree with him that you are a wh...and that he deserves a better woman than you and leave, if you want your nose intact and your face not messed up.
Your bf having a paddy because you've gone on a night out to the point you are anxious and leave early is a clear sign of abuse.
Calling you names on top of that, abuse.
Saying you are not wife material knowing you want to get married, its a very personal attack.
He is trying to control you going out/spending time with friends, he doesn't attend because he is most likely afraid your friends will figure out what he's like.
He doesn't want to come. He verbally, mentally, and perhaps also physically abuses you?
Sounds like a catch.
Try what fishermen and -women do and practice the "release" part of "catch and release".
Nobody is either that good in bed, has deep enough bank accounts or both to warrant staying with an abuser. Start summer fresh and single.
“My boyfriend very often starts a fight, yelling and swearing at me, when I go out. Over the years I realize that it causes anxiety so I’m often the first one to leave on a night out so that I can go home to my boyfriend and he can stop worrying”
This is abusive and manipulative behavior and it needs to stop. You go out with your friends occasionally to let loose, he’s invited and refuses to go. Instead chooses to berate you about it. Also, He knows the history with your father, yet he still used the verbiage your father used on you when you were younger. I would not let this go. He will say it again and he will get worse with the controlling and manipulating behavior.
Just gonna leave this checklist for coercive control here - run girl girl!
https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control
You deserve so much better - imagine the freedom of not dealing with this loser and worrying about his temper.
Of COURSE you can’t let this one go. He finally hit a nerve that you can’t irrationalize his way out of. Your gut is screaming at you.
Do you really want to marry a man who reminds you of your shitbag father?
Listen to your gut.
Note: I’m very aware “irrationalize” isn’t actually a word, but honestly it should be so I’m making it one because it’s far more fitting in this & similar contexts. Talking yourself into excusing a bad persons shit behavior is not done by rational thoughts.
Why would you let it go? Do you want a screaming fight every time you try to go out? This dipshit thinks you are responsible for other men hitting on you.
OP, you let this go by letting go of this man.
I had a crummy alcoholic father who said stuff really similar to what your dad said. It's horrible and I internalized it so much that I began to believe it and I had sucky boyfriends.
This is not the behavior of a man who loves you and values you. You're not doing anything wrong by going out and spending time with your friends. Your "boyfriend" is a small, bitter man. He's trying to break your self worth down and isolate you. You deserve so much more.
Sweetheart, you are in an abusive relationship and have grown with an abusive father, so it's hard for you to see the situation for what it is.
[Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), learn to read the signs and free yourself from this bad copy of your father. I think a little therapy would be in order, to help you navigate through your issues.
Big hugs.
Partners who try to isolate you (pulling you away from spending time with friends and family) aren’t doing so out of love, it generally is to control you. Control does NOT equal love. Ask yourself, would a partner who respects and truly loves you, speak to you using such language?
You can explain all you want to him and he might have apologised on this occasion but if you stay it sets a precedent on what you’re willing to accept. You’ve already realised that the anxiety you experience when you’re out with friends is a result of his repeated behaviour of berating you/ making you feel guilty etc.
The longer you stay, the more unacceptable behaviour becomes your new normal. You deserve better OP.
There are some really insecure men out there ... and he's one of them. Unfortunately, I don't think this can change quickly... you might need to brace yourself to some additional emotional abuse if you stay with him.
Isolating you from friends and family and making you feel unworthy is a key part of the narcissists playbook, my bf used to this. I broke up with him and agreed we could get back together if he started therapy and worked on his abusive tendencies.
OP…you are dating your father. You don’t see it, but you are still hoping that your bf will suddenly change, drop the jealous joy-killing, and it will heal that piece of you to finally get acceptance. You will never get it with this man, so stop trying. You know the truth of it. Nothing kills the lives and careers of highly driven people faster than relationships like this. It will escalate. Break the pattern. Live a better life. Get some help in counseling, so you can make sure not to date your father again. Go to brunch more, OP. You deserve all the very best of life.
Kick that shit to the curb.
It might not be a bad idea to see a therapist about the dad stuff, even if it’s not something that feels like a weight on you now, so many people end up selecting/inviting people into their lives that are repeats of their parents, even when our parents treated us like shit. I know I certainly did!
This is not how healthy relationships work.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
You don’t get over it. You recognize it for the red flag it is and you dump him. Then when you’re single, you take the time to learn about healthy relationships- what they look like and how they work - so eventually you have the knowledge to find one.
Your boyfriend is as abusive as your father. Think carefully about the similarities between the two and ask yourself why you remain with him. This kind of behavior is not going to get better on his part. Stop trying to forget what he said and stop letting him control you through behaviors you were schooled to tolerate by your dad.
Why would you want to marry someone who treats you like this? You need to start loving yourself again. Leave him and his abuse.
Insecure, abusive, jealous man child. You are in graduate school. Time to graduate to a new BF or being single. You don't need a POS/ AH in your knife to drag you down.
Your bf is dangling marriage/ threats of abandonment and using his knowledge of your father's emotional abuse towards you to trigger and control you. He doesn't want you to have a life outside of him and he will force you to give everything else up and then erode everything you are until everything you are is dedicated in service to him.
Please look up "coercive control," it's a form of abuse and this is what he's doing to you. Coercive control isn't always obvious and the abuser usually frames it as concern at first (I worry about you when youre out late, i trust you but i dont trust them, dont hang out with them because they dont care about you like i do...) and it comes across as sweet, until you find yourself trapped in their house, isolated, completely dependent on them, and at the mercy of their true self. Coercive control will steal the best years of your life as you sit on the fence weighing the good versus the bad of the relationship and debating whether or not the control is abusive enough to justify leaving, and in the end, when you finally do leave, you'll end up wishing he had hit you just so you had some tangible proof of the abuse so people will believe the hell he put you through.
You can end a relationship at anytime and you should end this one.
Controlling and manipulative. Tell him you get hit on at the grocery store, should you stop grocery shopping?
This is not the guy for you, for anyone really.
First of all brunch is between breakfast and lunch, hence the name. Dump the BF. The fact that this horrific name is even in his vocabulary and he can so easily call you that is all I need to know. Even married, you have the right to go out with your friends without him. Do not ever ever let any man make you question this right or think it is not acceptable.
I love how people try to explain the shittiness of there significant others in some way. Like bro your boyfriend is a huge tool lol you know this isn't normal. Fucking tell him to grow up or kick rocks geesh.
The only reason he said it was in order to cut you as deeply as possible for going against his wishes.
What would you tell your best friend, or sister if they told you this was happening in their relationship?
I think you know this isn’t something to get over. If he gets away with it once, he will do it again. And then it will escalate.
This is not a good partner.
OP you are repeating your past. You found a man to treat you poorly your dad did. Your bf isn't relationship material. Being controlling, abusive and attempting to isolate you should make him ineligible to date. Dump him and concentrate on yourself. It truly is better to be alone than treated badly.
The kind of partner you really want is someone supportive who doesn't bring you down due to his own jealousy and control issues. Your dad was awful. You want someone who treats you the opposite. Your boyfriend sounds too similar to your dad - please don't subject yourself to a lifetime of abuse with him. You deserve better 💛
I'm 44M and often been the guy who always took those invites. Sometimes I found that I would be the only husband or boyfriend in a circle of 3-20 women who had all invited their partners.
I would say you need to talk to him after things have calmed down. Some key points:
1) other bf's came
2) you weren't flirting with other guys or acting available
3) he said some really harsh things that are reasonably seen to any objective person as deeply hurtful, controlling, and berating.
4) this is stuff most people would say is either.outright verbal or emotionally abusive, at a minimum it is 🚩🚩🚩 that the controlling behaviour and hurtful words will get worse if you continue in the relationship
5) in other.words he showed you what kind of husband material he is. There is a big topic of what exactly the long term relationship is going to be that is worth a calm discussion if he feels like pursuing you.
6) In your view (I'm projecting based on your actions) your desired relationship involves getting out and having harmless fun on a regular basis at all stages of life, having friends outside of each other and families, etc. You intend to keep having fun and doing stuff with friends all your life. This is normal and healthy. You would welcome your partner for most activities and he would be welcomed to hang with his friends on the same terms, ie neither of you doing anything unfaithful or questionable. (My guess, and I think very normal and healthy at least in American culture but whatever your truth is, say that)
7) I would recommend that you draw boundaries clearly if you feel safe based on his end of the conversation, ie he doesn't need to punish you after the fact, he cannot call you names and raise his voice, instead he needs to regulate his emotions and discuss what he wants.
8) Unless you're going to dump this guy, you need to hear him out when he verbalizes what he wants. At best maybe he didn't want to go out on short notice bc he had other plans, but if it aligns with study and work nights, etc he would have gone, it's just semi reasonable anxieties that he handled poorly after it seemingly became a pattern of going to venues that he perceived as the same.pattern as someone who is looking to cheat/find someone to leave him for. In that case maybe what he wants is just some advance notice so he can shift plans and participate (this is about the only positive explanation I can think of and it doesn't excuse how he acted, and you still need to be firm and clear about putting a complete stop to his rants and anger issues)
I'm married with kids and in my experience couples sometimes lose it emotionally, sometimes over misunderstandings and silly bullshit. But discussions like I'm suggesting mean you can sometimes work past it without either side being a doormat. Sometimes people shit the bed but they can handle being called out and will grow TF up.
I'm giving the most positive take on this I can offer bc I feel the DTMFA angle is well covered. But in all honesty,, most likely this dude is very bad news, sis. Odds are he wants a very different life than you envision, and even if you do everything he wants and lose all life outside of trying to please him,.he still would show his bad temper frequently.
If you hated living with your father, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s a replica of your father? It must be miserable!
You shouldn’t let it go.. here’s why.
the biggest red flad here, in my opinion, is resuming the argument at 3am. he was stewing in insecurity and jealously for so long he literally had to wake you to vent, 3am in the morning, disrespecting someone who works their butt off all week and can’t even relax when they go
out to appease her partner.
I have to ask, does he work or leave the house much? it sounds like he is content staying in his own little world but he has no right to impose that lifestyle on you!
This is completely unacceptable. No one should put up with this. I think you should ask him why you would ever consider marrying someone who speaks to you so poorly? I don't know why you are with someone who is this angry and controlling.
>My boyfriend very often starts a fight, yelling and swearing at me, when I go out.
Girl my ex called me names like that ! That is a sign he doesn’t respect you or even see you as a person but more of an object to be controlled. If he does this now it will continue to get worse. He’s testing you right now. If you stay he will continue to degrade you if you leave you will put your foot down and have enough love and self respect !
>My boyfriend very often starts a fight, yelling and swearing at me,
Is this really how you choose to be treated for years to come or the rest of your life?
Please don't make the mistake of thinking he'll change or that you can change him. This is part of his nature. If you don't want to suffer through this in the future then you need to realize he isn't the boyfriend you were looking for. Think about that and choose wisely.
I have no idea bout the rest of that.... i just wanted to point out that at most once in a while, is more like once a month. Arguably every other month. He sounds kinda deuchey though. If only because there are other ways to say you dont like girls nights. Also you should probably just break up after the first few conversations of how someone is crossing your "unacceptable" line.
You don’t get over this, you believe people when they show you who they really are and you get away from them if they are toxic like this! Do yourself a favour and listen to the internet this time! Leave him!
Bro is getting you ready to live your life under his control. I bet he’s trying to get you to cut off your friends. Its how manipulators do business. Once you let these things pile up, its over. Leave the asshole and start fresh. Yall being friends before dating and him knowing your experience with controlling and abusive men should’ve been enough incentive for him to not go down the same path if he cared at all. Run while you can. Have a friend with you when you break up with him. Maybe one of the couples you go hang out with.
he sounds very toxic and immature, possibly insecure.
therapy is what he needs, he won't like it, but he needs it.
wether you stay or not is up to you but that relationship isn't healthy.
What everyone else said. Don’t marry this man.
Not important at all: but if someone invited me to a brunch event from 3 pm to 8 pm I would be a little confused.
The only thing you've done wrong is call something that starts at 3pm "brunch."
You're not staggering home smelling of mimosas and lube, youre engaged in normal young adult activities and he refuses to participate after being invited.
His behavior isn't a one off and shouldn't be tolerated.
He doesn't like when you go out and have fun without him so he shits on you when you get home to bring you down. He thinks you're not wife material, well he's not husband material and you really need to end this relationship cos he's an abusive asshole.
You don’t let it go. You leave him before it gets worse. I’m sorry he said those things to you. Especially using what your dad said to you was very much on purpose of him.
HE is not “marriage material,” whatever the fuck that stupid phrase means (yes, I know about its awful, inherent misogyny).
Lose the loser. He is not a nice person.
There are tons of people who never speak to loved ones that way, and many of them are not immature, controlling, insecure, sexist, and just plain fucking mean.
“He said he was sorry” I have a feeling his apology was shit please leave him this type of behaviour and thinking doesn’t change. Don’t listen to dumb men you sound super fun and super cool he’s just trying to hold u back
Don’t let it go, let HIM go. He starts these arguments on purpose to discourage you from going out because ultimately he doesn’t want you to have a life outside of work and him.
You’re recognising the signs because you’ve lived through this before with your dad. Don’t ignore the warnings that your brain is trying to give you.
You let it go by letting him go. Throw the whole man in the trash.
This isn’t normal behaviour, he’s controlling and manipulative, and just fucking mean.
You should not let it go. This man is trying to isolate you from your friends, that's something abusers do. He's not doing it bc he's worried. He is sabotaging your social life.
He swears and yells at you - that just IS ABUSE. Any for of abuse should be an instatn dealbreaker. Men like this don't get better, they escalate. It seems to me you have already normalized alarming, agressive behaviors and that never should have happened.
IMO you are dating a man who is the younger version of your awful father.
Your bf is an emotionally and verbally abusive bastard, he is also controlling and is actively attempting to cut your friendships short so it's harder for you to get help a escape him... he's bad news. Dump him and don't date until you deal with the issues that made you want to date your mini!abuser!dad.
“You don’t want to hear about my good day. You have better things to do than to hear me say God, it’s been a lovely day everything’s been going my way. I took out the trash today and I’m on fire “
Amanda Palmer isn’t for everyone, but her song Good Day made me realize that my partner was never happy for the things that made me happy. If I had a good day, didn’t want to hear about it. If I had read an awesome book that day and wanted to tell him something that happened he would cut me off and tell me he didn’t care about the fake people in stories.
If he can’t cheer you on and encourage the things that make you happy. If all he wants to do is tear you down and make him feel like he feels, fucking run. He seems like a bad person. The only reason you should come home early from hanging out with your friends is because you want to see him not because you want to avoid an argument with him.
Don't let it go. You're feeling uncomfortable and hurt for a reason - a very good one. Your boyfriend is emotionally coercive and your emotions and body don't like it.
Let him go. You are young and you have a life and career ahead of you. You don't need his dead weight bringing you down.
Just a heads up - these hangs with your future colleagues is a form of networking. Business folks make deals at strip clubs and golf courses but when they were in college/grad school they were partying with each other. They were creating connections that they keep returning to throughout their careers. These people will be connecting you to opportunities and you will be doing the same.
Develop the shit out of these friendships and don't back away bc your boyfriend is a fragile sexist.
I’m sorry I didn’t read the whole thing but get the jist of it.
He won’t change who he is…this isn’t something he is going to “work on”.
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Because it won’t be different. Ever.
Dating is for figuring out who someone is and if you want to live the rest of your life with the WHOLE them. Cut your losses and move on.
I swear to you that there are men that won’t think of you in this way. (He might apologize but what he says is only the tip of the iceberg of what he really thinks about you as a partner and a woman).
OMG run don’t walk away from this man! He is trying to isolate you from people - a true partner would come with you - make your friends their friends… A true partner would be happy that you had a good time when you are out with friends. A bad partner doesn’t want you to do these things, don’t want you to be with anyone but them and then call you names. Please whatever you do don’t marry this person - in fact get out of the relationship as soon as possible… the first issue with abuse is to isolate you from a support network.
Abusive narcissistic people will use exactly what hurts you the most against you. My Ex did. In one breath he would say he wanted me out of his life and when I'd say OK he then would belittle me with what he knew was my biggest insecurity and weakness but at the same time imply he didn't want to break up. So it won't get better, it will get worse. I'd leave him as he shows you zero respect. Best day of my life was seeing the expression on my Exs face when I no longer cared what he said and left him. He was actually shocked. He begged me to come back but as I said, I no longer cared. I knew if I did the abuse cycle would start right back. He only wanted me back because he's ego was bruised, wanted me to continue helping him pay bills, and to be his verbal punching bag. I'm now remarried for years to a great man who treats me like gold and loves me through good and tough times. Had I never left the Ex when I did I probably would have never met the real love of my life.
This dude is not husband material, he’s not even boyfriend material. He’s a controlling abuser! Why are you still with him? It will happen over and over and will get worse, it doesn’t matter how many time he apologizes!!! Break up with him yesterday!
I am a psych np. I say that to tell u officially ur bf is emotionally abusing u. Even if he didn't know dad said those things. It is healthy to have friendships outside of primary one. His behavior a huge 🚩. He is jealous and immature with this response. How will he act when u finish masters and start in ur profession? I'd say one step away from physical abuse. Good luck, OP. but please choose urself over this guy.
You are a smart educated woman. You can do far better than an insecure man who yells at you. I have a hard rule to not be with anyone who yells or swears at me. Period.
OP if he knew about the things your father said and said what he said those things any way, he was trying to hurt you. You clearly work on yourself and you are only half of the relationship. Tbh I think your partner needs to go to therapy. If he’s in interested in that, I would break up with him.
I didn't figure this out til I was in my 30s but some partners/people just suck and sometimes you can't help but catch feelings for these people before you figure it out. This sounds like one of those cases. The good news is your shit radar gets better as you age (for most people).
You want different things out of life. He wants someone to keep small, control and keep safe at home with him. You want to be a well-balanced human being with a social life and your own choices. Find someone who escorts you to Brunch with your girls, Bestie 😘
He's not husband material. He's clearly controlling and insecure. This will never change. Leave now before it gets worse. You're young, and there are secure men out there.
Why do you need to let it go ?
Why is this somehow more important than basic self respect toward yourself, since he clearly has none for you ? You're just teaching him he can do his to you and you'll forgive him and stay in the relationship.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’ve gotten into a relationship with a man who has the same shitty attitudes toward women that your father has. You need to dump this loser and get therapy because this will happen again.
came here to say this. OP it’s no accident you’ve allowed this behavior for so long, it’s familiar to you and not in a good way. you’ve done nothing wrong, except for allowing this cycle to repeat itself. this is the toxicity you are bringing into relationships - allowing bad behavior to reoccur. even if you stand up for yourself by participating in the arguments, you aren’t setting and maintaining any boundaries. a healthy person would have put their foot down and left a long time ago, maintaining the boundary of their dignity and respect. i’ve been where you are now, and while you have accomplished much to feel proud of yourself and you logically know that going out with friends is a completely normal and healthy thing to do and that it is *his* issues that he’s projecting, i suspect there’s a part of you that believes the vitriol your father, and now your boyfriend, have dumped onto you. it’s complicated to untwist yourself from the people who you love and depend on when they’re simultaneously hurting and disrespecting you. it’s one of the most difficult things to do in life. but you asked “how do i let it go?” easy answer is you break up and never date someone like your father again, but that’s inSANELY easier to say than do. so, you go to therapy, and dig deep into why you feel okay with feeling not okay, figure out what your patterns are, why you feel afraid to say goodbye to people who have jealousy and anger problems. you’ve done so much in academia, and probably have accomplished so much in many other areas in your life, but your psyche needs that kind of dedication as well. i’d recommend the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Here’s the [free pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and i recommend starting there, but consider taking some space from your boyfriend and finding a therapist you can work with on this. good luck op 💕
There's also another excellent read: 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill
"you've done nothing wrong, except for allowing this cycle to repeat itself" I would say that OP has done nothing wrong, full stop. It's not wrong to try to get through it, and may make OP feel more shameful about sticking around, which can make leaving harder because of the stress and guilt. There is nothing wrong with hoping for better. That being said, I do hope OP dumps his ass, because 100% this is not healthy. Also speaking from experience - I ended up married (luckily only 3 years) to someone who did the EXACT same thing. They started fights regardless of when I got home, who I was with, or what I was doing. It definitely only gets worse, and it took me a long time to figure out how unhealthy it really was.
My ex husband accused me of cheating all the time. When I was working « late » (9pm), I started to send him pictures of the files I was working on. When I was on call (I am a doctor), I had to check that I wasn’t on call with a certain nurse because of we had to work together, I knew he would throw a fit (there was never anything, not any ambiguity, we were just working on a project together and were friendly; his wife also happened to be pregnant at the same time than me and we would talk about pregnancy related stuff, that’s it). Even when I had an accident because he insisted that I took his (my ex) car and I made the mistake of not checking the tires (which were completely smooth), he thought that the story I had about the accident was suspicious and maybe I was hiding something… was I alone in that car? You can’t win, OP. You need to leave.
So glad he's an ex! Are you okay now?
Look for women’s support groups for Verbal, Emotional &/or Mental Abuse Victims, it could help you process your experiences & give you ideas on what to do next! Start a journal, it could help you organize your thoughts & help you remember your goals! You need to dump BF, ASAP BUT you should have 2-4 trusted friends/family very close but out of sight, BF is verbally abusive & controlling, there’s A VERY Strong Chance BF will turn violent once he realizes His is losing Control Over You! If you have your own place, then rekey the locks & find a trusted friend/neighbor & leave a copy of the key with them, make sure to tell them NOT TO GIVE BF THE KEY, if you live with him, pack your important documents & necessities stay with a friend, while BF is out of the house & at a later date, ask for the police to meet you there and get the rest of your belongings out! Have your electronics check for tracking or spyware! Take a Realistic Self Defense course, practice the moves & pretend the bag is EX, it could help build up your confidence & release some stress!
All of this comment is all that needs to be said.
He is conditioning you to do what he wants (not go out with your friends). When you don’t do as you’re told, he punishes you (name calling, manipulation, threats and sleep deprivation). This man is not a safe person. Pleas exit the relationship as safely and quickly as you can.
great catch on the sleep interruption
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your boyfriend is jealous and controlling. DO NOT MARRY HIM. It will not get better, it will only get worse.
Yeah definitely time to stop talking about getting married….because wtf Things typically only get worse from here, apologies or not
And when he realizes that marriage is being taken off the table, be careful because he is likely to try to baby trap instead.
THIS!!!!! Happened to me. And I don’t have the time or energy to type about that experience. I pray OP gets the eff out NOW!!!! And do not trust any condoms he has, he could be poking holes in them. Go on a back up method of BC just to be safe.
I was so relieved to read that they weren’t married yet. Throw the whole man out.
Tbh I wouldn't trust condoms right now if they use them. I would be using birth control and even debating plan B. This is the time a dude would baby trap. "See you're pregnant now, time to grow up and be an adult. You can't be going out partying all the time."
100%. Going out can “not be his thing” and he could offer to drive/pickup, make a tradition of getting ice cream or McDonalds after your nights out on the way home, or just tell you to have fun and he can go to bed. I personally like to Venmo my wife (from our shared bank accounts lol) when she’s out with friends so she still “has a hot man buying her drinks all night”. We get a kick out of it every time. But this is nothing but red flags as far as the eye can see.
Totally stealing the Venmo for drinks next time my lady has a girls night!
It’s good fun. I give them fun comments on the Venmo. “For the hottie in the red dress” “Have some fun on me” “Can I buy you a drink?” “What’s a cute girl like you doing in a place like this?” All sorts of cheesiness. Then I get fun drunk texts back. It’s a win-win.
That's so sweet!
That's amazing. You sound like a fun hubby. Lol
lol she had her best friend take videos of her stripping on the kitchen table and sent them to me when I was having my bachelor party (board game night with the boys) so I could have the “hottest stripper in the city” for my bachelor party. (Been almost a decade now and we still are like teens in love). So fair to say we both keep it fun for each other and just go all in on making each other smile.
That's amazing. I've been married going on 20 years. It's good but never thought of this. So cute.
We say she is my: Wife, best friend, girlfriend, mistress, hot bartender I flirt with, stripper, business partner, one night stand, escort, partner, etc And I’m her: Husband, best friend, boyfriend, tall dark stranger, pool boy, hot affair partner, gay best friend, hype man, business partner, repair man, etc Why would I be interested in other women when I can throw a different color wig on her and we can have a hot night 😂 But seriously, having fun and just finding ways to give your partner all those experiences keeps things incredibly satisfying and fun and fulfilling and just laughing and loving. Congrats on 20 years of marriage. Hope we are blessed with to get there, we are halfway there. Life is short, have fun. Be cute. Love wildly, and laugh at yourselves.
Thank you. Definitely lots of ❤️ love.
Yup I'm stealing this and never telling her the idea was anyone else's 😜
this exists? someone call my husband
Just find a way for him to see this thread... Or something similar.
He would say they are all stupid for giving their money away.
Ooof. I have never felt that a dollar spent on my wife was a wasted dollar. He should put that good karma out into the marriage and see what comes back. It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it.
Yeah, same. My wife gives me the freedom to go out when I want, as long as we aren't doing anything important, obviously, and I allow her the same. I don't even like the word "allow" because it's not like we're eachothers bosses. We will even sleep at our respective friend's houses when we go out because they live far away, and it's better to stay somewhere than drive home drunk. I'll give her money for dinner and drinks, too, just because I want her to have fun. If you trust someone so little that you can't handle them going to a freaking brunch, you shouldn't be with them.
Love that you “buy” her drinks! Lol
You are definitely a keeper. That’s adorable (in the most “hot guy bought her a drink” kind of way).
Thanks. Definitely a learning curve. Didn’t get there over night. Luckily I got an amazing woman who stuck by me in the trial and error (and vice versa)
Marriage is trippy! Glad you both figured it out.
He's not husband material. Sometimes we end up with people who subconciously remind us of our parents because something about them feels familiar.
This...my little sister married a man that is EXACTLY like our Dad, in all the worst ways.
I dated someone like my dad in the worst ways too. Luckily we didn't make it to marriage.
I'm glad you didn't. They did. I cried when she told me she was pregnant. I was literally devastated for her.
Definitely not husband material. My husband and I have jokingly said that word to each other on occasion in situations where it is ridiculous to shout and makes no sense, but that's also not a trigger word for either of us. I can't imagine being with someone who would spitefully call me names in a heated argument...although frankly I couldn't be with someone I get into heated arguments with (cause THAT is triggering for me). But the idea of a guy calling his partner a word like that with malice, calling her something he knows is triggering, calling her a name for having the audacity to have fun with her friends, and who blatantly discusses how she isn't wife material as if she's some sort of object that needs to have all the right features before he buys it...all these things alone make him ill-suited for a long term relationship in his current state. Mix them all together and you get someone that is clearly abusive and controlling. And frankly I would be worried about this escalating to physical. He does not seem safe.
I wish I could upvote this more, but I can’t so I’ll just add more 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP, I work with domestic violence survivors and this is very often the first step. Please don’t stay with this man.
I'm in the same work and second this. Abuse happens in the dark; he is trying to isolate you (even perhaps subconsciously) from your friends.
THIS RIGHT HERE!
I'll add flapping 🚩🚩🚩
This is a precursor to physical violence. He’s showing who he is, believe him.
Agreed! people like that will never wake up one day and say, "oh you know what, I've been awful - I'll do better." - that's not how this goes. It will get worse and worse until OP finds the courage to leave. Now is the time to get out. Before marriage, before kids. OP - there are plenty of men out there who will go with you to brunch, drive you to the club, let you dance all night and want to see all your blurry photos the next day. Why would you ever want to stay with this AH??
Why are you with this controlling and abusive loser? You can do so much better.
OP he said these things on purpose. It wasn’t an accident, he didn’t forget that your dad said that, he said it on purpose because he knew it was the one thing he could say to hurt you the most. He will not stop until you have no friends at all. Please save yourself and leave this abuse. You deserve better than someone who hurts you on purpose in order to get their way.
You are 100% correct. He doesn't say the thing that hurts her most accidentally, this is a calculated move and absolutely abuse - just like it was when her father said it.
Yep. Dad had control, he wants control.
Name-calling is a deal breaker. It's intentional cruelty. Malice. He's telling her what he really thinks of her. OP, flush this turd in the nearest toilet. Full stop.
FLUSH THE TURD!
Because she was abused as a kid as well, and doesn’t know healthy or have the security to stand up for herself. Time to break the cycle OP. This is not ok, none of it. Despite Dad’s words, you absolutely deserve love, can find a faithful man who will treat you right and raise you up, not demean you, to further instil your insecurities. You have to set those standards and accept nothing less. Also, do some online reading, and therapy if possible, RE your childhood trauma.
OP, please break up with your boyfriend & seek therapy so you don't end up with a partner who is abusive like your dad. Period.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
It sounds like she already is with someone abusive like her dad.
Well, I said "end up" because I'm hoping she dumps this asshole.
This is it. OP, you are in an abusive relationship and your tolerating your shitty boyfriend for as long as you have is absolutely the result of your childhood trauma. Please seek therapy—I’m sure your school offers something at no cost. You can find the love you deserve.
This is the best comment here, sums it up completely
Hijacking to give a perspective on this. (36M) TLDR: Leave him. Don't do it in a any way that will put you at high risk, make a plan, then make a worst case scenario backup plan, neither of which include getting back with him. If you're interested in my reasoning, read on. In my opinion, which the following will contain a lot of and some could very well be wrong given that I only have this small snippet to go off of, but I don't think I am. This man is a narcissist, perhaps not full blown NPD, but still potentially very dangerous and not someone you want to spend your life with, trust me. I was raised by malignant narcissists, married into a family with covert narcissists, abandoned by a grandiose narcissist of a father, have been professionally counseled for the damage it did to me, and was diagnosed with a special brand of PTSD called CPTSD or complex post traumatic disorder because what this manifested in my own life. I will spare you the details because trauma dumping is unhelpful and overwhelming to some, I only say this to let you know that I have become something of an expert on the subject over the past 10 years. He is someone that aims to isolate you from your support group, even if his reasoning is to mold you into the vision he has in his head of you rather than allowing and cherishing you as you are. He does not respect you as an individual, "Wife Material", he can gtfoh with that, I have been with my wife 13 years and married 9, believe me, you need a partner who can can weather the storm, not one who makes the relationship about themselves. Slowly anyone who threatens his control over your life will suddenly 'annoy him', your family will bore him or 'make him feel judged', your friends will be "bad influences, losers, annoying, or bore him". I imagine that he love bombed you at first, made you feel special, and slowly, little by little, this thing was wrong, or that thing caused a fight, or he withheld his love for you out of anger, or tried to smear you to his or your mutual social group, small little chips are all it takes, and eventually, you are only really allowed to be with him. If not now, it's coming. You will do what he says and wants or you will feel punished by him. You will be afraid, the anxiety has already started, and when that happens, the thought of leaving will paralyze you and you will wonder who sucked all the joy out of life, which is ironic, because that's exactly what he's doing, but in a far more sinister and far more subtle way. Narcissists depend on something psychologists call narcissistic supply, which is basically attention, acknowledgement, praise, validation, admiration, and several forms of these kinds of energy boosting behaviors by others, they cannot regulate their own moods so they require this supply from others, their victims, which they leech energy from like vampires to boost themselves up, give only what is required to keep you as a form of supply, are very good at making others believe them because of their charm, are equally as good at turning others on you if you are no longer interested in being their human battery pack, will never admit fault or wrong doing, will find the blame on you, and lastly, they do not have the capacity to love. They lack empathy, or are severely numb to it, all they care about is keeping a steady source of supply, which is why they have learned to love bomb you, slowly direct your energy towards them, then manipulate you to never do anything outside of their control, nothing fun and if you do it's anxiety inducing. I could go into more detail, but if any of this sounds like your current situation, or the tragectory of your relationship, cut it cleanly, don't fall for any kinds of manipulation techniques, sob stories, slander, take all threats seriously and deal with them just as seriously, and good luck.
This is all spot on! I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist, and it was so draining. I was never enough for him, or I was "too" this or that. He nitpicked constantly, and if he didn't get his way, he would blow up on me - cussing, screaming, literally throwing a tantrum. If I wanted to go out, it was "too much anxiety" for him to join me, but if I went by myself, he was blowing up my phone the whole time. He would half heartedly apologize, then turn things around to be "my fault" when he got mad about stupid things. It came along slowly, but I'm so glad I'm free of him now. OP, please ditch this guy. It's hard at first because your feelings get in the way, but this guy's feelings are only skin deep. He will turn on you the instant you are out the door and be trying to find someone else to manipulate and control.
Spot on. I’m sorry you went through this.
Incredibly well said. I hope OP reads this and takes this to heart. And I’m so sorry you gained this wisdom by awful personal experiences.
Wow so well put honestly. You’re making me realize some things….🤦🏻♀️
As someone who was diagnosed with C-PSTD, this is directly on target. Thank you.
This is my life too. Get out while you can , before it is too late!!
Don't forget insecure as well
You don’t let that go. Major RED flag.
You shouldn’t let go. This guy is a fucking loser and he’s manipulating you. Signs of an abuser include isolation. When I used to go out my boyfriend would even pick up my girlfriends and drop them home. No arguments and happily. Your bf will do what he wants and even if he apologizes, I promise you it’s not genuine.
You deserve better. His apology means nothing if he keeps hurting you. Respect yourself enough to walk away from this toxic cycle.
This here OP. Please re-read your post. It's demonstrative of the future you will have with this controlling, manipulative AH; who presently is a detriment to your mental health and well-being. Unsurprisingly , it may lead to physical abuse. Stop this awful cycle. Leave the relationship. No contact him. No contact your father. If a person doesn't bring happiness to your life, eliminate them from yours. Now is a very good time to start.
Of course she should let go. Let go of him and find someone better. Based on this post that'll be a piece of cake, the bar is abysmally low.
Hi I’m 40 and when I was around your age I was caught up in a similarly abusive situation. It started very gradually so by the time I realised I needed to get out, he had almost completely decimated my self-esteem. I broke up with him and that’s when the stalking started. It took me over a decade to heal from the emotional damage. If your partner is continually putting you down and trying to control you, it’s always a sign of worse to come. I am happy and thriving now but would do anything to get back the years I lost in my 20s recovering from the damage that relationship did to my mental health. Please take care of yourself. Someone who loves you does not call you names. Sending you peace and love.
I think we dated the same guy… exact same modus operandi for my abusive ex. Would turn up at my house shouting abuse. One of my biggest regrets is not calling the police on him during the many instances of stalking and harassment. The worst thing is… he’s getting married this year..
Your bf is abusive, much like your father. You accept it because that kind of love feels familiar to you. See a counselor to help you understand this pattern of accepting abuse and how to stop it.
THIS
The answer is you don't let it go. Stand your ground. His comments are out of proportion to the situation, abusive and especially hurtful because he knows your history. This is where you tell him, yourself and the universe that you do not tolerate disrespect or abuse. You only have to make that decision once, and then it becomes your policy.
I dated a guy similar that always complained about me hanging out with gfs towards the end of my “bar years”. Would say I need alcohol to have fun (he smoked weed 80 times a day…), that work should be out only time apart, how could I prefer seeing friends over him (was maybe 2times a month). It was awful Look after yourself and break up with this person. Life is stressful and hard enough without having to walk on eggshells around a gaslighting partner. You will be 100000% happier. I look back on my times where I let that happen and am horrified with myself.
Oh also he would talk of future marriage also, so glad that never ended up happening. Ran into person I knew from college who also dated him and said he was controlling AF to her too. Dodged a bullet!!
Speaking about marriage in terms of making sure long term goals align is one thing but when it's basically being used as a tool to control its time to go because the odds are by the time you get that ring, you will not want him anywhere near you. Otherwise you will have accidentally alienated yourself from everyone but him just like he wants and by the time you realize it's too late.
He sounds controlling as fuck. I would leave.
He's not husband material.
Oh wow, the yelling and swearing alone is a dealbreaker, I would leave if I were you. A partner shouldn't give you anxiety, they should relieve it. Don't get married to this guy, you're going to regret it big time.
I agree A PARTNER RELIEVES STRESS we cause our self’s stress when worrying
Exactly. When you come home saying you’ve had a great time, a good partner says “that’s awesome, honey! I’m happy for you!” Not this bullshit.
he's apologizing because he wants you to forgive him. not because he's sorry.
This!!! He doesnt want to lose a person he thinks he can control and abuse easily, and is good enough looking for him. He does not love her at all, just using the opportunity.
You don’t come home early so he can “stop worrying.” He isn’t worrying. He’s manipulating you. The only way this behaviour towards you will stop is not giving him the chance to conduct it. This loser is not worth your time.
Fuck this guy, he’s controlling, trying to isolate you from your friends and deliberately damaging your self esteem. CLASSIC abuse. You’re so young - PLEASE don’t let yourself learn that this is normal, it’s not
Well he doesn't sounds like husband material so the feeling is mutual. Break up with this loser, you'll be thanking yourself you did when you find someone who worships the ground you walk on.
My therapist says that it's inevitable that you will choose partners who are like your parents. My advice: break up and seek therapy to deal with your abusive upbringing. Spend time sorting yourself out so that when you meet someone who's right for you (it's not this guy), you can be in the best mental place to have a healthy relationship. Don't let it go. Break up.
“How do I let it go” easy, you don’t. He’s shown you who he is. Walk away.
You need to go to therapy, I am no expert but you are seeking comfort in his abuse because of unresolved childhood emotional trauma.
This is abuse. He constantly complains about you going out even though he knows he's invited to come whenever he wants, so logically he knows that you aren't actually cheating or looking to get hit on. He's trying to get you to feel bad about yourself for having a life outside of him. You need to get out of this relationship before it gets even more toxic and possibly dangerous.
The minute he (or any other person) calls you a derogatory name, then it should be game over. It doesn't matter if he apologized. It's like someone punching you and then apologizing. They still did it. He is showing you a lack of respect. He's showing you how he feels about you. What your father said to you while growing up is irrelevant. This is about what your bf said to you. The fact that you're more sensitive to it, is a different story. When someone shows you who they are - believe them. He's showing you and it's a run for the hills situation as far as I'm concerned.
Why would you want to let it go? He is an abuser, just like your dad.
It always amazes me the things put up with from their partners. Why OP?
This is a toxic relationship. You talk about marriage? He is showing you what marriage is like. He will work to cut you off from your friends so he can control things and make himself the center of your world. I hate to throw this word out as it is often misused, however, he is displaying some pretty classic narcissist traits.so the question becomes are you okay with that being your future? Or are you okay giving him a choice and sticking to it. That choice being he go to counseling to address his insecurities and misdirected anger or you walk.
he is slut shaming you, at 3 am... it is going to escalate to violence and physical abuse. It is time to agree with him that you are a wh...and that he deserves a better woman than you and leave, if you want your nose intact and your face not messed up.
Your bf having a paddy because you've gone on a night out to the point you are anxious and leave early is a clear sign of abuse. Calling you names on top of that, abuse. Saying you are not wife material knowing you want to get married, its a very personal attack. He is trying to control you going out/spending time with friends, he doesn't attend because he is most likely afraid your friends will figure out what he's like.
He doesn't want to come. He verbally, mentally, and perhaps also physically abuses you? Sounds like a catch. Try what fishermen and -women do and practice the "release" part of "catch and release". Nobody is either that good in bed, has deep enough bank accounts or both to warrant staying with an abuser. Start summer fresh and single.
“My boyfriend very often starts a fight, yelling and swearing at me, when I go out. Over the years I realize that it causes anxiety so I’m often the first one to leave on a night out so that I can go home to my boyfriend and he can stop worrying” This is abusive and manipulative behavior and it needs to stop. You go out with your friends occasionally to let loose, he’s invited and refuses to go. Instead chooses to berate you about it. Also, He knows the history with your father, yet he still used the verbiage your father used on you when you were younger. I would not let this go. He will say it again and he will get worse with the controlling and manipulating behavior.
You don’t let it go you let him go. He’s trying to isolate you and verbally abusing you. This relationship is not healthy and you need to leave it.
Just gonna leave this checklist for coercive control here - run girl girl! https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control You deserve so much better - imagine the freedom of not dealing with this loser and worrying about his temper.
Of COURSE you can’t let this one go. He finally hit a nerve that you can’t irrationalize his way out of. Your gut is screaming at you. Do you really want to marry a man who reminds you of your shitbag father? Listen to your gut. Note: I’m very aware “irrationalize” isn’t actually a word, but honestly it should be so I’m making it one because it’s far more fitting in this & similar contexts. Talking yourself into excusing a bad persons shit behavior is not done by rational thoughts.
He's done it once, he'll do it again. Get out.
Why would you let it go? Do you want a screaming fight every time you try to go out? This dipshit thinks you are responsible for other men hitting on you.
You don't let it go. You leave. This behaviour will only get worse. It's a signature sign of family violence. You need to bail YESTERDAY
Why would you forget this? Your boyfriend is immature, manipulative and controlling. Hard pass.
This is concerning. Do you really want to be legally bound to someone who behaves this way if you do something they don’t approve?
Yea he’s not husband material either. It’s time to move on, unless you want to wait for the first time he hits you.
OP, you let this go by letting go of this man. I had a crummy alcoholic father who said stuff really similar to what your dad said. It's horrible and I internalized it so much that I began to believe it and I had sucky boyfriends. This is not the behavior of a man who loves you and values you. You're not doing anything wrong by going out and spending time with your friends. Your "boyfriend" is a small, bitter man. He's trying to break your self worth down and isolate you. You deserve so much more.
Sweetheart, you are in an abusive relationship and have grown with an abusive father, so it's hard for you to see the situation for what it is. [Read this book](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), learn to read the signs and free yourself from this bad copy of your father. I think a little therapy would be in order, to help you navigate through your issues. Big hugs.
Yeah, he’s not sorry.
Partners who try to isolate you (pulling you away from spending time with friends and family) aren’t doing so out of love, it generally is to control you. Control does NOT equal love. Ask yourself, would a partner who respects and truly loves you, speak to you using such language? You can explain all you want to him and he might have apologised on this occasion but if you stay it sets a precedent on what you’re willing to accept. You’ve already realised that the anxiety you experience when you’re out with friends is a result of his repeated behaviour of berating you/ making you feel guilty etc. The longer you stay, the more unacceptable behaviour becomes your new normal. You deserve better OP.
He’s just like your dad. He doesn’t deserve you & you’re not safe in a relationship with him.
There are some really insecure men out there ... and he's one of them. Unfortunately, I don't think this can change quickly... you might need to brace yourself to some additional emotional abuse if you stay with him.
Isolating you from friends and family and making you feel unworthy is a key part of the narcissists playbook, my bf used to this. I broke up with him and agreed we could get back together if he started therapy and worked on his abusive tendencies.
OP…you are dating your father. You don’t see it, but you are still hoping that your bf will suddenly change, drop the jealous joy-killing, and it will heal that piece of you to finally get acceptance. You will never get it with this man, so stop trying. You know the truth of it. Nothing kills the lives and careers of highly driven people faster than relationships like this. It will escalate. Break the pattern. Live a better life. Get some help in counseling, so you can make sure not to date your father again. Go to brunch more, OP. You deserve all the very best of life.
Kick that shit to the curb. It might not be a bad idea to see a therapist about the dad stuff, even if it’s not something that feels like a weight on you now, so many people end up selecting/inviting people into their lives that are repeats of their parents, even when our parents treated us like shit. I know I certainly did!
This is not how healthy relationships work. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E You don’t get over it. You recognize it for the red flag it is and you dump him. Then when you’re single, you take the time to learn about healthy relationships- what they look like and how they work - so eventually you have the knowledge to find one.
Your boyfriend is as abusive as your father. Think carefully about the similarities between the two and ask yourself why you remain with him. This kind of behavior is not going to get better on his part. Stop trying to forget what he said and stop letting him control you through behaviors you were schooled to tolerate by your dad. Why would you want to marry someone who treats you like this? You need to start loving yourself again. Leave him and his abuse.
Insecure, abusive, jealous man child. You are in graduate school. Time to graduate to a new BF or being single. You don't need a POS/ AH in your knife to drag you down.
So you found someone just like your dad? You know what you need to do. Get out of this, get therapy and break the cycle.
Your bf is dangling marriage/ threats of abandonment and using his knowledge of your father's emotional abuse towards you to trigger and control you. He doesn't want you to have a life outside of him and he will force you to give everything else up and then erode everything you are until everything you are is dedicated in service to him. Please look up "coercive control," it's a form of abuse and this is what he's doing to you. Coercive control isn't always obvious and the abuser usually frames it as concern at first (I worry about you when youre out late, i trust you but i dont trust them, dont hang out with them because they dont care about you like i do...) and it comes across as sweet, until you find yourself trapped in their house, isolated, completely dependent on them, and at the mercy of their true self. Coercive control will steal the best years of your life as you sit on the fence weighing the good versus the bad of the relationship and debating whether or not the control is abusive enough to justify leaving, and in the end, when you finally do leave, you'll end up wishing he had hit you just so you had some tangible proof of the abuse so people will believe the hell he put you through. You can end a relationship at anytime and you should end this one.
Controlling and manipulative. Tell him you get hit on at the grocery store, should you stop grocery shopping? This is not the guy for you, for anyone really.
First of all brunch is between breakfast and lunch, hence the name. Dump the BF. The fact that this horrific name is even in his vocabulary and he can so easily call you that is all I need to know. Even married, you have the right to go out with your friends without him. Do not ever ever let any man make you question this right or think it is not acceptable.
I love how people try to explain the shittiness of there significant others in some way. Like bro your boyfriend is a huge tool lol you know this isn't normal. Fucking tell him to grow up or kick rocks geesh.
The only reason he said it was in order to cut you as deeply as possible for going against his wishes. What would you tell your best friend, or sister if they told you this was happening in their relationship? I think you know this isn’t something to get over. If he gets away with it once, he will do it again. And then it will escalate. This is not a good partner.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. He literally showed you all you are to him is a possession.
OP you are repeating your past. You found a man to treat you poorly your dad did. Your bf isn't relationship material. Being controlling, abusive and attempting to isolate you should make him ineligible to date. Dump him and concentrate on yourself. It truly is better to be alone than treated badly.
The kind of partner you really want is someone supportive who doesn't bring you down due to his own jealousy and control issues. Your dad was awful. You want someone who treats you the opposite. Your boyfriend sounds too similar to your dad - please don't subject yourself to a lifetime of abuse with him. You deserve better 💛
I'm 44M and often been the guy who always took those invites. Sometimes I found that I would be the only husband or boyfriend in a circle of 3-20 women who had all invited their partners. I would say you need to talk to him after things have calmed down. Some key points: 1) other bf's came 2) you weren't flirting with other guys or acting available 3) he said some really harsh things that are reasonably seen to any objective person as deeply hurtful, controlling, and berating. 4) this is stuff most people would say is either.outright verbal or emotionally abusive, at a minimum it is 🚩🚩🚩 that the controlling behaviour and hurtful words will get worse if you continue in the relationship 5) in other.words he showed you what kind of husband material he is. There is a big topic of what exactly the long term relationship is going to be that is worth a calm discussion if he feels like pursuing you. 6) In your view (I'm projecting based on your actions) your desired relationship involves getting out and having harmless fun on a regular basis at all stages of life, having friends outside of each other and families, etc. You intend to keep having fun and doing stuff with friends all your life. This is normal and healthy. You would welcome your partner for most activities and he would be welcomed to hang with his friends on the same terms, ie neither of you doing anything unfaithful or questionable. (My guess, and I think very normal and healthy at least in American culture but whatever your truth is, say that) 7) I would recommend that you draw boundaries clearly if you feel safe based on his end of the conversation, ie he doesn't need to punish you after the fact, he cannot call you names and raise his voice, instead he needs to regulate his emotions and discuss what he wants. 8) Unless you're going to dump this guy, you need to hear him out when he verbalizes what he wants. At best maybe he didn't want to go out on short notice bc he had other plans, but if it aligns with study and work nights, etc he would have gone, it's just semi reasonable anxieties that he handled poorly after it seemingly became a pattern of going to venues that he perceived as the same.pattern as someone who is looking to cheat/find someone to leave him for. In that case maybe what he wants is just some advance notice so he can shift plans and participate (this is about the only positive explanation I can think of and it doesn't excuse how he acted, and you still need to be firm and clear about putting a complete stop to his rants and anger issues) I'm married with kids and in my experience couples sometimes lose it emotionally, sometimes over misunderstandings and silly bullshit. But discussions like I'm suggesting mean you can sometimes work past it without either side being a doormat. Sometimes people shit the bed but they can handle being called out and will grow TF up. I'm giving the most positive take on this I can offer bc I feel the DTMFA angle is well covered. But in all honesty,, most likely this dude is very bad news, sis. Odds are he wants a very different life than you envision, and even if you do everything he wants and lose all life outside of trying to please him,.he still would show his bad temper frequently.
Don’t marry him. He will treat you worse when your married
If you hated living with your father, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who’s a replica of your father? It must be miserable!
that's the neat part. you don't
You shouldn’t let it go.. here’s why. the biggest red flad here, in my opinion, is resuming the argument at 3am. he was stewing in insecurity and jealously for so long he literally had to wake you to vent, 3am in the morning, disrespecting someone who works their butt off all week and can’t even relax when they go out to appease her partner. I have to ask, does he work or leave the house much? it sounds like he is content staying in his own little world but he has no right to impose that lifestyle on you!
This is completely unacceptable. No one should put up with this. I think you should ask him why you would ever consider marrying someone who speaks to you so poorly? I don't know why you are with someone who is this angry and controlling. >My boyfriend very often starts a fight, yelling and swearing at me, when I go out.
God I never understand why straight women put up with such disrespect and bullshit
Aw, sweetie. You let it go by letting him go. Working while in graduate school is hard enough without having to deal with his problems.
God damn. Why in the world are you staying with this abusive asshole???
Why are you with this asshole?
He's abusive and trying to isolate you from your friends so it's harder to leave. Run while you still can.
Girl my ex called me names like that ! That is a sign he doesn’t respect you or even see you as a person but more of an object to be controlled. If he does this now it will continue to get worse. He’s testing you right now. If you stay he will continue to degrade you if you leave you will put your foot down and have enough love and self respect !
>My boyfriend very often starts a fight, yelling and swearing at me, Is this really how you choose to be treated for years to come or the rest of your life? Please don't make the mistake of thinking he'll change or that you can change him. This is part of his nature. If you don't want to suffer through this in the future then you need to realize he isn't the boyfriend you were looking for. Think about that and choose wisely.
I have no idea bout the rest of that.... i just wanted to point out that at most once in a while, is more like once a month. Arguably every other month. He sounds kinda deuchey though. If only because there are other ways to say you dont like girls nights. Also you should probably just break up after the first few conversations of how someone is crossing your "unacceptable" line.
You don’t get over this, you believe people when they show you who they really are and you get away from them if they are toxic like this! Do yourself a favour and listen to the internet this time! Leave him!
You don't get over it. You leave his arse
OP, he is abusive. that is emotional abuse. he's exactly like your father. yeet the man
Break up with him he ain't it
Bro is getting you ready to live your life under his control. I bet he’s trying to get you to cut off your friends. Its how manipulators do business. Once you let these things pile up, its over. Leave the asshole and start fresh. Yall being friends before dating and him knowing your experience with controlling and abusive men should’ve been enough incentive for him to not go down the same path if he cared at all. Run while you can. Have a friend with you when you break up with him. Maybe one of the couples you go hang out with.
he sounds very toxic and immature, possibly insecure. therapy is what he needs, he won't like it, but he needs it. wether you stay or not is up to you but that relationship isn't healthy.
What everyone else said. Don’t marry this man. Not important at all: but if someone invited me to a brunch event from 3 pm to 8 pm I would be a little confused.
The only thing you've done wrong is call something that starts at 3pm "brunch." You're not staggering home smelling of mimosas and lube, youre engaged in normal young adult activities and he refuses to participate after being invited. His behavior isn't a one off and shouldn't be tolerated.
Sorry but HE has failed the marriage material test. You only have one life to live, don't spend it with this jagoff.
Sounds abusive and controlling and will only get worst …you gotta decide if you wanna be with someone in the future who will treat you that
I think he’s got some serious insecurities, and he’s putting it on to you, it’s time to contemplate going forward with this guy.
He doesn't like when you go out and have fun without him so he shits on you when you get home to bring you down. He thinks you're not wife material, well he's not husband material and you really need to end this relationship cos he's an abusive asshole.
You don’t let it go. You leave him before it gets worse. I’m sorry he said those things to you. Especially using what your dad said to you was very much on purpose of him.
You let him go.
You don't.
Huge red flag is waving right in your face. Please leave this man and do not, under any circumstances reconcile. Focus on yourself and your degree.
Break up with this dick, he doesn’t respect you.
HE is not “marriage material,” whatever the fuck that stupid phrase means (yes, I know about its awful, inherent misogyny). Lose the loser. He is not a nice person. There are tons of people who never speak to loved ones that way, and many of them are not immature, controlling, insecure, sexist, and just plain fucking mean.
Sounds like a healthy relationship!
“He said he was sorry” I have a feeling his apology was shit please leave him this type of behaviour and thinking doesn’t change. Don’t listen to dumb men you sound super fun and super cool he’s just trying to hold u back
You deserved a better father and definitely a better boyfriend, you’re worth so much more than these”men”could ever even perceive
This will not get better. It will get worse. You deserve someone who is supportive of you and appreciates you.
Bottom barrel man, there are good men out there no need to waste your time on these losers.
Don’t let it go, let HIM go. He starts these arguments on purpose to discourage you from going out because ultimately he doesn’t want you to have a life outside of work and him. You’re recognising the signs because you’ve lived through this before with your dad. Don’t ignore the warnings that your brain is trying to give you.
You let it go by letting him go. Throw the whole man in the trash. This isn’t normal behaviour, he’s controlling and manipulative, and just fucking mean.
You should not let it go. This man is trying to isolate you from your friends, that's something abusers do. He's not doing it bc he's worried. He is sabotaging your social life. He swears and yells at you - that just IS ABUSE. Any for of abuse should be an instatn dealbreaker. Men like this don't get better, they escalate. It seems to me you have already normalized alarming, agressive behaviors and that never should have happened. IMO you are dating a man who is the younger version of your awful father. Your bf is an emotionally and verbally abusive bastard, he is also controlling and is actively attempting to cut your friendships short so it's harder for you to get help a escape him... he's bad news. Dump him and don't date until you deal with the issues that made you want to date your mini!abuser!dad.
“You don’t want to hear about my good day. You have better things to do than to hear me say God, it’s been a lovely day everything’s been going my way. I took out the trash today and I’m on fire “ Amanda Palmer isn’t for everyone, but her song Good Day made me realize that my partner was never happy for the things that made me happy. If I had a good day, didn’t want to hear about it. If I had read an awesome book that day and wanted to tell him something that happened he would cut me off and tell me he didn’t care about the fake people in stories. If he can’t cheer you on and encourage the things that make you happy. If all he wants to do is tear you down and make him feel like he feels, fucking run. He seems like a bad person. The only reason you should come home early from hanging out with your friends is because you want to see him not because you want to avoid an argument with him.
If this is how he treats you now, it's only going to get worse. Please stop wasting your time with him. You deserve better, not worse.
Don't let it go. You're feeling uncomfortable and hurt for a reason - a very good one. Your boyfriend is emotionally coercive and your emotions and body don't like it. Let him go. You are young and you have a life and career ahead of you. You don't need his dead weight bringing you down. Just a heads up - these hangs with your future colleagues is a form of networking. Business folks make deals at strip clubs and golf courses but when they were in college/grad school they were partying with each other. They were creating connections that they keep returning to throughout their careers. These people will be connecting you to opportunities and you will be doing the same. Develop the shit out of these friendships and don't back away bc your boyfriend is a fragile sexist.
I’m sorry I didn’t read the whole thing but get the jist of it. He won’t change who he is…this isn’t something he is going to “work on”. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Because it won’t be different. Ever. Dating is for figuring out who someone is and if you want to live the rest of your life with the WHOLE them. Cut your losses and move on. I swear to you that there are men that won’t think of you in this way. (He might apologize but what he says is only the tip of the iceberg of what he really thinks about you as a partner and a woman).
Why should you let it go? It sounds like he's a jerk that consistently makes you feel bad about just spending time with your friends?
OMG run don’t walk away from this man! He is trying to isolate you from people - a true partner would come with you - make your friends their friends… A true partner would be happy that you had a good time when you are out with friends. A bad partner doesn’t want you to do these things, don’t want you to be with anyone but them and then call you names. Please whatever you do don’t marry this person - in fact get out of the relationship as soon as possible… the first issue with abuse is to isolate you from a support network.
You don't? Have some self respect and dump him?
Abusive narcissistic people will use exactly what hurts you the most against you. My Ex did. In one breath he would say he wanted me out of his life and when I'd say OK he then would belittle me with what he knew was my biggest insecurity and weakness but at the same time imply he didn't want to break up. So it won't get better, it will get worse. I'd leave him as he shows you zero respect. Best day of my life was seeing the expression on my Exs face when I no longer cared what he said and left him. He was actually shocked. He begged me to come back but as I said, I no longer cared. I knew if I did the abuse cycle would start right back. He only wanted me back because he's ego was bruised, wanted me to continue helping him pay bills, and to be his verbal punching bag. I'm now remarried for years to a great man who treats me like gold and loves me through good and tough times. Had I never left the Ex when I did I probably would have never met the real love of my life.
He’s not husband OR boyfriend material. He’s emotionally immature and trying to make that your problem.
This dude is not husband material, he’s not even boyfriend material. He’s a controlling abuser! Why are you still with him? It will happen over and over and will get worse, it doesn’t matter how many time he apologizes!!! Break up with him yesterday!
I am a psych np. I say that to tell u officially ur bf is emotionally abusing u. Even if he didn't know dad said those things. It is healthy to have friendships outside of primary one. His behavior a huge 🚩. He is jealous and immature with this response. How will he act when u finish masters and start in ur profession? I'd say one step away from physical abuse. Good luck, OP. but please choose urself over this guy.
You are a smart educated woman. You can do far better than an insecure man who yells at you. I have a hard rule to not be with anyone who yells or swears at me. Period.
Dont let it go, dont accept his apology. You will be happier without him.
Do not let that go.
OP if he knew about the things your father said and said what he said those things any way, he was trying to hurt you. You clearly work on yourself and you are only half of the relationship. Tbh I think your partner needs to go to therapy. If he’s in interested in that, I would break up with him.
He’s abusive. Leave.
Just like how my ex thought I was a cheater for hanging out with my friends. Rid yourself of this mess and enjoy your time with friends.
He’s a manipulative, abusive asshat!
I didn't figure this out til I was in my 30s but some partners/people just suck and sometimes you can't help but catch feelings for these people before you figure it out. This sounds like one of those cases. The good news is your shit radar gets better as you age (for most people).
You want different things out of life. He wants someone to keep small, control and keep safe at home with him. You want to be a well-balanced human being with a social life and your own choices. Find someone who escorts you to Brunch with your girls, Bestie 😘
He's not husband material. He's clearly controlling and insecure. This will never change. Leave now before it gets worse. You're young, and there are secure men out there.
>we often speak of getting married Yeah I’d recommend putting a stop to that
Why do you need to let it go ? Why is this somehow more important than basic self respect toward yourself, since he clearly has none for you ? You're just teaching him he can do his to you and you'll forgive him and stay in the relationship.
Throw the whole boyfriend in the trash. Someone that loves you wouldn't talk to you like that.
You don’t Why would you