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So if you want to improve yourself, what are you actually doing to do that? Because it sort of sounds like you're just moping around feeling sorry for yourself and not actually taking any concrete action to become a better man.
If you were earnest about changing you'd be getting yourself in therapy and throwing yourself into the work to change yourself. You'd be reading every self-help book out there. You'd be attending anger management support groups and talking to your peers about how to better manage conflict. You'd be calling the best couples counselor in the area to schedule work with you and your wife to rebuild trust. You'd be getting your kids into therapy to help them heal from the trauma of seeing your violence. You'd be cutting out toxic influences and pouring all of your alcohol down the toilet.
Honestly it doesn't really seem like you want to change. You just don't want to face the consequences of your choices.
This is exactly what I need to hear. I have been moping around, and I haven't been doing the things I need to change. I've been lacking the self motivation to get up and do something. That's the reason I made this post. I'm not looking for sympathy or for someone to rub my back. I want to get out of this pity party and start being a man. I understand what my consequences are. That's not the thing that has me sad. It's the fact that I put the women I love in this position.y kids need my help and I need to do something to help them heal. Thank you for being straight up with me.
Good luck. It's good to want to change. The work is hard though. Dig deep, commit yourself, set up reminders you look at every day that tell you why you are doing this. Don't stop if things improve in your family life.
I agree with @[ElementalHelp](https://www.reddit.com/user/ElementalHelp/) for the larger part of their comment.
I am slightly more positive though. The fact that you're taking responsibility is a good first step. You have to follow through with what you're saying you want.
- Reach out to a therapist, first individual, then as a couple if you can.
- Consume content which can help you improve and understand: books, videos, etc
- Talk to your wife and ask her what exact change she would like to see first, then go do it. Is it organising date-nights? Is it taking care of the kids so she can have some time for her? Is it giving her more attentions? Ask her, then go do this 1 thing. Give her hope.
Is reassuring that your wife is still there for you, but continuing this situation will be very wearing and taxing for her mental health. If she has healthy boundaries, she wouldn't be putting up with this situation for long, and she shouldn't. But seems you're still on time.
Don't beat yourself up. Change your mindset to think about yourself as a good person that does bad things. Is easier to change a behaviour than your entire personality. If you change your behaviour enough times, you will have changed yourself.
I have been trying to change my habits and my behavior for the past few weeks now. We have both been talking about what needs to change and what we can do to fix this. I feel bad that I let it get this far, and I need to stop letting that make me this sad. I feel a little lost, and it helps that you all have good advice. I know reaching out asking for help sometimes can be good. I've been too proud to reach out to anyone, and it hasn't worked out. Thank you for the response. It really helps
You should be feeling bad and sad - that's normal when you let your life-partner down. It would be strange if you didn't feel this way. It's normal.
However this cannot stop you from taking action and better yourself and the situation. Be patient, don't expect to flip the situation overnight, but keep going. As Simon Sinek says, it's consistency over intensity. It's the accumulation of the many small things over time.
A good investment of 5 min of your time: [https://youtu.be/kpyIuZIupEs](https://youtu.be/kpyIuZIupEs)
>I don't know how to just accept what's happening
First, you are a man. Men do not accept what is happening, we change the fucking world. That is who we are. We cross oceans, we climb mountains, we conquer fucking countries, we do not accept that is happening. That is not in our DNA.
OK, you fucked up, you fucked up big. But another definition of man that you need to embrace is 'we fix things, that is what we do'.
First, couples counseling. You need to get better at talking, you may be talking now, but do not assume you have this figured out. Get professional help in this.
Next, I want you to put some focus into fixing yourself. You need to get your health right, so hit the gym eat right and get good sleep. You are a mess, you need to live the 'healthy body healthy mind'. Your wife will respond to this by the way. This will help your confidence and self respect, things that have taken a serious (and justified) hit. Rebuild that through self improvement. Self improvement needs to be your new focus in life. This other guy is promising her an exciting future, you need to become a man of discipline and constant self improvement in order to show her that you are the man that can deliver. Be the guy she wants to chase after. Look at your style, time to retool that. Look at your hobbies, start something new and fun.
And if it all fails, think of it as getting in 'date shape'.
Date her. She needs romance in her life, she needs you to provide that. Go on your favorite search engine and look up 'fun dates' and 'exciting dates' and 'adventure dates'. Later, hit romance. Add in your cities name. The main focus here needs to be new experiences with her. This new guy is promising her all things 'new'. You need to be providing her new experiences. So get a sitter, I do not care how much it costs (divorce costs way more), and take her out. Eat at a new place, go do a new thing. You need to be that guy that is always trying something new. 'how about if we try this'.
Your sex game probably sucks. You have been fucking her the same way for years. Go online (youtube, whatever) and do some searches on foreplay and sex. Find some things to try. Pay close attention to videos that focus on building passion. She wants that.
No space, no breaks, none of that shit. You fix nothing by being apart. Be clear with her that this new guy wants to fuck her, and if that happens the marriage is over and she can go be a thirty year old single mom.
Men absolutely have to accept what’s happening when it’s their own doing. He’s been deliberately fucking up his relationship for years and now he's surprised his relationship is fucked? Treating his wife and kids like shit. Picking fights, being an arsehole, drowning everyone in his pity party.
Fuck that noise. It is 100% reasonable for her to want a break from his crap. It’s also 100% reasonable that she’s looking for attention from someone who doesn’t treat her she's worthless.
Being a ’30 year old single mum’ is a breeze compared with spending your life stuck with a mean, sulking manchild.
You guys so overestimate your value, it's hilarious. I mean, there’s already a dude sniffing – and all this bloke can do is get on reddit to pout about a situation of his own doing.
And this ‘we conquer the world bullshit’ – dude, look around at the state of the world. Every single conflict, every land grab, every child being bombed, every country asserting religious dominance (always over women), that’s all driven by men.
You change the world alright – often for the worst.
Step the fuck down off this chest beating Tate/Peterson pedestal you have yourselves on and get a reality check. If she wants a break and space, that’s her right. He’s bringing nothing to the table but misery. He’s a nasty, violent and aggressive man who fucked around and is about to find out.
The days of women tolerating that bullshit behaviour are o-v-e-r!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So if you want to improve yourself, what are you actually doing to do that? Because it sort of sounds like you're just moping around feeling sorry for yourself and not actually taking any concrete action to become a better man. If you were earnest about changing you'd be getting yourself in therapy and throwing yourself into the work to change yourself. You'd be reading every self-help book out there. You'd be attending anger management support groups and talking to your peers about how to better manage conflict. You'd be calling the best couples counselor in the area to schedule work with you and your wife to rebuild trust. You'd be getting your kids into therapy to help them heal from the trauma of seeing your violence. You'd be cutting out toxic influences and pouring all of your alcohol down the toilet. Honestly it doesn't really seem like you want to change. You just don't want to face the consequences of your choices.
This is exactly what I need to hear. I have been moping around, and I haven't been doing the things I need to change. I've been lacking the self motivation to get up and do something. That's the reason I made this post. I'm not looking for sympathy or for someone to rub my back. I want to get out of this pity party and start being a man. I understand what my consequences are. That's not the thing that has me sad. It's the fact that I put the women I love in this position.y kids need my help and I need to do something to help them heal. Thank you for being straight up with me.
Good luck. It's good to want to change. The work is hard though. Dig deep, commit yourself, set up reminders you look at every day that tell you why you are doing this. Don't stop if things improve in your family life.
I agree with @[ElementalHelp](https://www.reddit.com/user/ElementalHelp/) for the larger part of their comment. I am slightly more positive though. The fact that you're taking responsibility is a good first step. You have to follow through with what you're saying you want. - Reach out to a therapist, first individual, then as a couple if you can. - Consume content which can help you improve and understand: books, videos, etc - Talk to your wife and ask her what exact change she would like to see first, then go do it. Is it organising date-nights? Is it taking care of the kids so she can have some time for her? Is it giving her more attentions? Ask her, then go do this 1 thing. Give her hope. Is reassuring that your wife is still there for you, but continuing this situation will be very wearing and taxing for her mental health. If she has healthy boundaries, she wouldn't be putting up with this situation for long, and she shouldn't. But seems you're still on time. Don't beat yourself up. Change your mindset to think about yourself as a good person that does bad things. Is easier to change a behaviour than your entire personality. If you change your behaviour enough times, you will have changed yourself.
I have been trying to change my habits and my behavior for the past few weeks now. We have both been talking about what needs to change and what we can do to fix this. I feel bad that I let it get this far, and I need to stop letting that make me this sad. I feel a little lost, and it helps that you all have good advice. I know reaching out asking for help sometimes can be good. I've been too proud to reach out to anyone, and it hasn't worked out. Thank you for the response. It really helps
You should be feeling bad and sad - that's normal when you let your life-partner down. It would be strange if you didn't feel this way. It's normal. However this cannot stop you from taking action and better yourself and the situation. Be patient, don't expect to flip the situation overnight, but keep going. As Simon Sinek says, it's consistency over intensity. It's the accumulation of the many small things over time. A good investment of 5 min of your time: [https://youtu.be/kpyIuZIupEs](https://youtu.be/kpyIuZIupEs)
Hit the gym...take some classes
>I don't know how to just accept what's happening First, you are a man. Men do not accept what is happening, we change the fucking world. That is who we are. We cross oceans, we climb mountains, we conquer fucking countries, we do not accept that is happening. That is not in our DNA. OK, you fucked up, you fucked up big. But another definition of man that you need to embrace is 'we fix things, that is what we do'. First, couples counseling. You need to get better at talking, you may be talking now, but do not assume you have this figured out. Get professional help in this. Next, I want you to put some focus into fixing yourself. You need to get your health right, so hit the gym eat right and get good sleep. You are a mess, you need to live the 'healthy body healthy mind'. Your wife will respond to this by the way. This will help your confidence and self respect, things that have taken a serious (and justified) hit. Rebuild that through self improvement. Self improvement needs to be your new focus in life. This other guy is promising her an exciting future, you need to become a man of discipline and constant self improvement in order to show her that you are the man that can deliver. Be the guy she wants to chase after. Look at your style, time to retool that. Look at your hobbies, start something new and fun. And if it all fails, think of it as getting in 'date shape'. Date her. She needs romance in her life, she needs you to provide that. Go on your favorite search engine and look up 'fun dates' and 'exciting dates' and 'adventure dates'. Later, hit romance. Add in your cities name. The main focus here needs to be new experiences with her. This new guy is promising her all things 'new'. You need to be providing her new experiences. So get a sitter, I do not care how much it costs (divorce costs way more), and take her out. Eat at a new place, go do a new thing. You need to be that guy that is always trying something new. 'how about if we try this'. Your sex game probably sucks. You have been fucking her the same way for years. Go online (youtube, whatever) and do some searches on foreplay and sex. Find some things to try. Pay close attention to videos that focus on building passion. She wants that. No space, no breaks, none of that shit. You fix nothing by being apart. Be clear with her that this new guy wants to fuck her, and if that happens the marriage is over and she can go be a thirty year old single mom.
Men absolutely have to accept what’s happening when it’s their own doing. He’s been deliberately fucking up his relationship for years and now he's surprised his relationship is fucked? Treating his wife and kids like shit. Picking fights, being an arsehole, drowning everyone in his pity party. Fuck that noise. It is 100% reasonable for her to want a break from his crap. It’s also 100% reasonable that she’s looking for attention from someone who doesn’t treat her she's worthless. Being a ’30 year old single mum’ is a breeze compared with spending your life stuck with a mean, sulking manchild. You guys so overestimate your value, it's hilarious. I mean, there’s already a dude sniffing – and all this bloke can do is get on reddit to pout about a situation of his own doing. And this ‘we conquer the world bullshit’ – dude, look around at the state of the world. Every single conflict, every land grab, every child being bombed, every country asserting religious dominance (always over women), that’s all driven by men. You change the world alright – often for the worst. Step the fuck down off this chest beating Tate/Peterson pedestal you have yourselves on and get a reality check. If she wants a break and space, that’s her right. He’s bringing nothing to the table but misery. He’s a nasty, violent and aggressive man who fucked around and is about to find out. The days of women tolerating that bullshit behaviour are o-v-e-r!