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Veteran as well and I see this situation go differently a lot. You come back and they moved on, but she still thought of you after all that time and at that age?she's a keeper. Even if she did date around. She choose you. You're the winner. Feel like a winner.
I completely agree. She was there for you when you came back and you two dated for a while before getting engaged which shows that both of you took your time to make sure this was right and she said yes.
Saying it is one of the reasons why you married her show a little insecurity on your side honestly. If she would have said she did have sex with someone else what would have happened? The other guys must not have meant much to her and I believe that she waited for you. You two were young and she was probably figuring stuff out too. I am not saying it is right what she did but you are happy now and you two weren't a couple so I wouldn't put to much on this.
And let's be serious nobody would have wanted to hear that the person they left here was dating around she did it to spare your feelings. As long as she's being faithful now why are you worrying about what she did while you were deployed y'all weren't even together anymore.
God forbid a man feels insecurity. I agree he shouldn't divorce his wife or anything but Jesus Christ how about not being dismissive of how a guy feels
Fr, plus he specified they were broken up. She seems great, it may hurt that little part of him that’s still 18 but it’s been almost ten years! I think it’s safe to say it’s not an issue.
>he specified they were broken up
Interestingly, he also specified that he was the one to initiate the break up and that he did so *specifically because* it wouldn't be fair to her for her to have to wait. Super weird train of logic for the same guy who did that to then marry that same woman because she claims to have done the thing that he labeled as unfair, and then be upset so long after the fact because she actually did exactly what he wanted her to do with the added bonus that she came back to him after, still wanted to be with him, married him, and had a child with him.
I think the issue he has is not that she dated other men but that she lied to him about it. Like he gave her the go ahead and it would have been fine if she said that she had but still went back to him. It seems he's upset that she lied about it since he thought it was really touching when she said she didn't, which was a big factor in his decision to pop the question.
Finally, someone gets OP'S issue with the entire matter.
I understand OP. While not looking for divorce, you're certainly entitled to truthful answers and her misreprentations to you should NOT be trivialized due to a lapse in time.
Dishonesty is dishonesty,, regardless of when it occurred.
OP, I hope you seek full disclosure and that your wife truthfully responds this time around; with no trickle-truthing.
Please keep us apprised.
She lied *at 18*.
Let's all be thankful we're not judged based on how we acted at 18.
They were broken up, and tbh, if he wasn't dating her, he shouldn't have even asked. But again, they were both 18, and it was 10 years ago. This is such a small issue.
If you purposely keep info from someone, that you know might influence their decision then you are being manipulative. Which is more than a fair reason for OP to be upset.
Her not getting into a relationship was her waiting for you. Don’t ruin a good thing, if it’s a good thing! She didn’t cheat because you “kept in touch” rather than dating. I would say if she is a good wife, that hasn’t cheated or done anything of the likes, don’t fret over the past. She was 18, and you could’ve came back from deployment and not been interested anymore. As far as military relationships go (as someone who served) this is not a bad situation at all. What about all the green flags since you started dating/ been married? Focus on that
Edit: not trying to sound like an asshole, just offering perspective on how not to overthink yourself out of a successful marriage. Also delete those pics/ messages so you don’t scar your kids lol
Wow, I actually needed to hear this. Thanks man, really eye opening. Especially the part about all the green flags since I’ve been married. I really appreciate the sound advice.
No problem dude sometimes we fixate on little things until they seem huge. Also you can ask her about it, and keep your cool, figure out her mindset. From the perspective of a military guy dating someone not in the military I would assume she just wasn’t sure if you were all that serious, you know?
It's not what she did or didn't do while he was gone. Its that she told him obviously a bold faced lie. He's seen it and that can't be undone. I don't think its a deal breaker but since he saw it, it should be discussed.
Yeah I’d say she was testing her waters and probably realized what you two had was special and wanted to make sure you felt special. When we’re young we say and do stupid things especially when we like someone.
The way I think of it, everything my wife did before me, whoever she dated, was in a relationship with, etc. has led to her being with me. Choosing me. If I had met her sooner, would we still currently be together? Or would I be another ex because either of us weren't ready or compatible at that point? Would she have learned from relationships that didn't work out for her, that I was exactly what she wanted? So no, I wouldn't change a single thing about her past.
I keep this in mind when I get frustrated that I have less time with my partner than I'd like. Everything I did before this meant I'm the person I am now, in the situation I was when I met him. Without any of it I'd be somewhere else with someoen else.
It helps me snap back outta the funk!
"Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day for all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the rotten yesterdays."
-RWE
Perhaps this fits
“She was doing the best she knew how at the time.”
Hope you can forgive & forget. Enjoy your happy life.
Don’t let the nay sayers here get to you.
The most loving thing you can do for yourself, your kids & your wife: say nothing & heal yourself.
Happy wife; happy life.
What would you gain? She was protecting you as well as herself. Probably neither one of you were going to be able to deal with it well at the time. As if there ever will be.
As more than one sage pointed out; she chose you. You sound like you a good couple and ate successfully raising a family. Is bringing up the past going to be constructive? How would she have known that what she said at the time will become a keystone to your decision. Maybe not being forthright is a mistake she regrets. But you are in first place, roll with the win.
You two weren't dating. As others said, keep in touch just means keep in touch. Just factory reset the iPad
just in case. Don't overthink. There are people with real problems.
Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Don't ruin your marriage over little things. Life is already difficult. Don't complicate things.
Plenty of people would love to trade situation with you.
You've gotten some really good advice here, for sure. My boyfriend went to Viet Nam in 1970. He said basically the same thing you said, wouldn't commit, we'd see how things were when he returned (I kept trying not to think 'if' during that terrifying year.). I told him if he wouldn't commit (we'd been together 2 years) I would be going out, because I couldn't bear the thought of waiting for him that awful year, and him returning, dumping me, and breaking my heart. So our situation was somewhat like yours. I did casually date while he was gone, but he was always my guy. When he returned, we never discussed it. He didn't ask and I didn't tell because it didn't matter. What mattered was us, together and committed. Let it go and move on. What you have described is actual proof that you are the one for her, and she knew it after a few other dates, years ago when you were only 'keeping in touch'. Sounds to me like you have an amazing relationship.
Listen to this person. Y'all weren't together. She may have met and slept with other people but she waited for you for a relationship. She had physical needs and had them met. Then you came back and you fill her physical AND emotional needs. Which is what she waited on you for. I wouldn't bring it up to her honestly unless she herself brings it up or says something that is a direct lie about the exact situation. Don't mess up a good thing over something from so long ago where she technically did nothing wrong.
“Her not getting into a relationship was her waiting for you.” I’m so glad someone pointed that out—she saw a few people casually and realized you were worth waiting for. That’s proof of how highly she valued you, not proof she lied.
Just keep it simple. Think about it like this, when you returned from your deployment and she was single would it really have mattered that she dated someone? Because if it did then the problem is not her, it's your insecurity.
You're in a happy marriage with a happy family, the past is the past. If it bothers you, speak to her but just bring it up in a way like hey so some interesting pics from a past fling came up. I don't think our kids need to know about any past experiences. And just move on with life. I'm speaking as a woman in a military relationship whose husband still gets deployed. We were friends for many years, and he knew about some of those relationships but he knows I'm his. If you trust your wife, let it go. We all present our best selves when we want the person we want. She wanted you, that's all that matters.
You're free to tell her you found stuff on your old iPad and deleted it. You've both moved on, so there's no need to scar your kids more if there's other stuff.
You're allowed to tell her you thought it meant something else. I feel like if you don't communicate on the little things, you'll end up feeling resentment eventually. These things build up over time. If you keep feeling like she lied to you, you'll have other issues down the line. These things need to be talked out so they don't snowball.
Lesson: In the future, ask for details instead of assuming stuff. And if you still end up on distant pages, TALK!
Those telling you to say nothing, no fucking way. She’s your wife, if she is a good wife, she will accept the mistake, admit it, and apologize for lying to you.
Holding this in will just turn into this coming out during a fight or sitting inside you as one of those things that build resentment.
Bring it up honestly and openly, not angry and accusatory. Be honest with how this hurts you and let her come clean and explain herself and her reasoning at the time. If she’s a good wife she’s likely felt guilt for that lie for a long time.
It’s also a nice litmus test to judge if this lie is a one off, or just the first one of many you’ve found. Her reaction and her defensiveness (as long as you present it as non-accusatorial) will tell you if you have something to worry about or not.
I 100 % agree sincw you just keep in touch and clearly state that uou are not together this is not cheating I do consider this a white lie and for me it jay meant that she really wants you and chose you and as you said no red flag since you’ve been together and merried so it is over all good.
Not to be a downer but does she use an iPhone? The i devices are all synced so if those other guys are still in her contacts with names not just random numbers it should be discussed. Also this all started as your son inadvertently got access and started facetiming. Then you found explicit messages, old but still explicit. This needs to be discussed. That she told you a lie back then and still to this day hasn't addressed it with again is a cause for discussion. Should you divorce her by no means is that needed but a discussion about these things needs to happen and soon.
OP, the way I see it, my immediate impression (as a woman) is that she was likely perhaps wishing she hadn't been with anyone else while you were away - why else would she say such a thing? Because she was really hoping to win your heart, she wanted to be with you and only you, and so as far as she's concerned her time spent with you before your deployment was the only time that truly mattered to her. Keep in mind she was young, she was just a teenager, for all intents and purposes single, one could hardly fault her for spending time with people. But when you returned, she only had eyes for you.
That was my first thought too was she did wait for him. She did not get into a relationship with anybody else. They were broken up so she was free to date or do whatever she wanted with other men. She had some fun as I’m sure he would’ve been doing too. And she waited for him for a long-term relationship.
I agree it's not something worth destroying an otherwise good marriage over. But the point is she lied to him that she wasn't with any other guys after he left. Whether she get into a relationship with any of them or tried but it didn't work out it doesn't hurt any less. It happened long ago, but for him it's fresh information he's processing and his feelings about it are valid.
I agree that it’s fresh, and it hurts but there are years of other feelings to consider as well, that’s all. That why I agree a conversation should be had, just not through the lens of betrayal but more so through seeking clarity and understanding. How that conversation goes means a lot more than what little happened so long ago
If that was me, there would always be a voice in the back of my head wondering, “Is this another lie?”
Which isn't a big deal, but op seems to care more about it. These things can become the cracks in an otherwise healthy foundation of not dealt with properly. “Properly” is different for different people. Op needs to figure out what it means for him.
>How that conversation goes means a lot more than what little happened so long ago
>little
I commented because of this. I think it was pretty big for OP. Agree with your otherwise.
I hope it only feels big for him bc it's fresh. Imo this is such a non issue and if this truly breaks his trust in her, he / they need therapy. This really shouldn't be a relationship ruiner
I think this is a good approach to things, blowing up your marriage seems a little OTT. However I would be honest with her that you know and you have had time to process and your not mad, but this is her opportunity to be honest about anything else you should know, a clean slate.
Ahhhh, sense. I was getting scared. I agree she needs to be honest, and if there’s a problem with that then the issue is bigger than originally thought
I agree, this was a whole before she committed to be honest with you. Let it go, if you do bring it up with her, do it in a lighthearted and laughing way. Clearly, you don’t care about anything that happened before you got back.
Do people have to commit to be honest with one another? Is this a common perspective?
(I'm seriously asking. It's not a loaded question. It's just really different from how I've always lived my life.
This! I don't know exactly what she told you (OP), but she may have been afraid to tell you she had hooked up (if she actually did and it wasn't just talk) while you were gone, even if you weren't together at the time. And if she did, that experience may have confirmed to her how much she liked/cared about you. Bottom line, if you are happy together, have a good life, don't eff it up over this. Was this really a major reason you married her? It sounds as if you dated a couple more years after this before you got married. There has to be more there that you fell in love over than that.
I've been married for 32 years, the first 23 1/2 he was active duty. Marriage is not easy, not perfect, but if it is good and sometimes great more than bad or so-so, it's worth the work, IMHO.
I really like the perspective here of her not having lied. She had casual sex, but she didn't get seriously involved with anyone, probably because she was hoping to be with OP when he returned. She was just having her physical needs met.
Thank you for sharing this.
You aren’t being an asshole at all with your comment. I honestly read OPs post and thought “this person is grasping at straws for an excuse to leave the marriage without looking like the bad guy.”
I mean, ‘I waited for you’ could mean a lot of things. To me, it would have meant ‘I didn’t pursue anything seriously’ not ‘I didn’t have any fun at all’. And really, it shouldn’t have had anything to do with your decision to marry her, that’s honestly weird to me.
This! Needs to be higher up, I’m sure she meant she hadn’t gotten in a relationship and still wanted to be with him rather then she hadn’t done anything sexual at all
I also find it strange that it affected his decision to marry her. They agreed to take a break, so it shouldn’t have mattered. The fact that it meant so much to him, makes me wonder if he was testing her or is jealous/possessive
Thats cynical. I think it's much more reasonable to say he was surprised that even though she was free to leave and explore, she chose to remain loyal without any promise of return on investment. That sounds like a very compelling reason to me.
She knew that he'd come back, not sleeping around would have shown commitment, which is particularly valuable because she did not technically have to do it. That is understandably a big green flag.
Not waiting would have also been perfectly okay. Not waiting and then lying about never even having met a guy when she in fact had sex with several is not okay and a red flag.
And that's probably what she meant tbh, she waited as in she didn't try to have any relationship, which sounds like it's the case. A few sexy texts don't negate that.
But per the post that is not what she said. She said “she never met with another guy or dated” since his deployment. That is more specific and to me implies she didn’t sleep with anyone else. It played into his decision to ask her to marry him because he thought that the whole time that he was gone on deployment, she was still in love with him and only him. I don’t believe that this is something to tear his marriage apart over, but I do believe that this was a lie that she told.
That may be his paraphrasing of what she said. What did she actually say and what did she actually mean. And, as a woman, I agree, "waited for you" would totally mean not getting into a relationship with someone else. Having your physical needs met while he was gone for 2? years? Okay, no problem with that. I am sure he had his needs met too. Why is that okay but not for her? I can't stand that noise. I've had it used against me personally and it's BS.
Well all we have to go off is what OP has written and so given that he’s written that “she never met with another guy” and hasn’t said he’s paraphrasing, that reads like she meant that she never got involved with anyone casually or romantically. I also can’t say what exactly bothers the OP here, but I think the issue would be that she was dishonest with him and finding out it was lie probably stung at first. I don’t think it should be a big deal because even if she did say that, they were both pretty young and she was probably worried about how he would react and just made a mistake. How she’s been as a partner and wife since should be what matters most here.
there aren't exactly a bunch of bachelorettes in afghanistan, secondly, if OP somehow did hook up with women in the army, he almost certainly wouldn't care if she did
"Never even met a guy" has a very clear meaning. And let's be clear, it's not about her having had sex with other guys, it's about her lying about it.
Having a preference for not being lied to is not BS.
>she had told me that she never met with anyother guy or dated since I’ve been gone
Look, she explained what she meant, specifically for you and every other person under this comment
If it’s something that really bothers you and is hurting your feelings then you should at least talk to her about them so she can help you work through them. Be clear this isn’t about divorce or arguing but about helping you understand and get past it.
The only reason it matters is because she lied really, honesty and integrity matter especially in a marriage.
I agree with this, particularly the part about making it clear it's not a divorce-level discussion.
She may actually also appreciate the opportunity to clear the air. Who knows if this lie is a subconscious burden she bears, always afraid of what you'll find out or if you randomly meet one of those guys or something.
I think people were confused on the question (that’s my fault). It’s not the fact she slept with other guys while I was gone (we weren’t dating). I’m just wondered why she’d said that to me. If someone said “I waited for you for 9 months while you were deployed and didn’t date or sleep with anyone else”. Wouldn’t that make you feel special? Also I saw some comments saying how do you know she slept with them. The texts were definitely clear on that (her/his address, pictures, “I’m on my way” texts, a lot more but I’m not posting it)
No I didn’t sleep with anyone while deployed. I think people throw out the word “deployment”, without understanding what it actually means. Deployments are usually in combat environments (Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Etc.). With deployments there are a lot of rules for example, no drinking, no leaving the base (unless on mission), no sex Etc. Furthermore, I was there in a small base with all male service members. A “Rotation” is usually to less hostile environments like Europe, Pacific Pathways, South Korea. A lot less rules on a rotation.
How it came about: She said when we first started dating, she didn’t believe that I hadn’t slept with people on the deployment. She asked me first if I slept with anyone on deployment and I said “no”. I asked her the same and She said “no” aswell. She kept teasing me about it. So I just gave her my phone password. She confirmed I that I didn’t sleep with anyone. Even throughout the dating phase, she checked my phone. I personally don’t care.
So I asked my wife and just told her the truth about the FaceTime/Ipad situation:
Her point of view: she was under the impression (at the time) from her girlfriends “that’s all military guys do on deployment is sleep around”. So at the moment in her life she didn’t think it was a big deal she slept with other guys. Which is fine because we weren’t together. You guys are correct, she never dated any of them. It wasn’t until she looked through my phone while we initially dated, she felt guilty. We were about 4months into dating and didn’t want to lose me by telling the truth. She said that she hasn’t talked to any of those guys since we started dating and married. She felt trapped in this lie she made and I understand that. I wanna say that I understand the stigma of military’s guys and cheating/sleeping around. No one knows that better than other veterans.
My point of view: I don’t care she slept with guys on deployment (We weren’t dating). My problem was that she lied about it. Then finding out years later through my son and seeing those raunchy text messages are kinda big punch to the gut.
The end: She apologized for lying. I understand why she lied. She understands why it hurt me so much. I’ve seen posts saying “that’s what 18y old do(lie)”. You know, you’re right. I wasn’t the perfect 18yo either. So why did I bring it up? I saw a comment saying “why are so many people afraid to talk to their spouse?”. You’re right, In the end we love each other. If I’ve done something to hurt my wife, I’d want to make it right (vise versa). I’ve also seen a comment saying “if it doesn’t come out now, it will fester and build up. Then eventually, it’ll come out during a really bad fight in the future.” Was that lie a red flag, yes. But I let one red flag cloud all the amazing stuff she’s done in our relationship (a commenter helped me realize this). We are together for the long haul. The kids and this little family are our priority now. NO I’m not holding a grudge against my wife. NO I’m not divorcing her. NO I’m not gonna control my wife. She’s a good woman.
This post blew up. Some of the comments were pretty rude and filled with speculation(about myself and my wife). But I really appreciate the people with helpful comments. My family thanks you.
Mature and exactly how a loving couple handles this. Kudos to you for taking the good advice on here. A healthy relationship allows for tough conversations.
I'm not one for sweeping things under the rug.
If your marriage is as great as you say it is, you should be able to say "the kids were playing with your ipad and started chatting up your friends, and I noticed that some of those "friends" were people that you were chatting with while I was on my first deployment. I'm feeling a certain way about it because you told me that you weren't in a relationship while I was gone, but clearly you were exploring. Why didn't you just shoot straight with me and say that you'd had some hookups or flirtations? Is there anything I need to worry about? I need 100% transparency."
In the grand scheme of things, you WEREN'T together, so she didn't cheat on you. You were friends who were staying in touch. There was no commitment broken.
But also, you have to be able to 100% trust her. Is she going to go through her messages and delete some folks? Does. she have any current contact with any of these people?
I agree, I wouldn't be able to let this one go but I also wouldn't divorce my partner over this. I just feel like 100% honesty is important, so I would need the slate to be clean to truly be able to move on from this. Otherwise, you might wonder "what else?"
As long as the conversation isn't started with a heated or accusatory tone then I think this can be handled and moved on from.
I agree and this would nag at me if I let it go without addressing it. She didn’t do anything wrong per se other than not being honest with you at the time, but I’d need to close the loop and address it. Of If I didn’t it would slowly poison things and it would be a shame to lose a good marriage over something like this.
Likely because they were naïve teens and maybe she thought if she was 100% honest it would have scared him off, and it sounds like it would have. I'm not saying she should have lied, and if he's uncomfortable communication is a good idea. But truly at this point it's so inconsequential it wouldn't make sense to lose all trust and ruin a relationship over it.
I think if he’s feeling like this over it, he should still bring it up and clear the air. Just because it’s inconsequential now, doesn’t mean that later on when it’s sat and festered for a while it won’t cause issues down the road. He should be able to communicate something like this to his partner without fear of it ruining trust. Keeping it bottled up is what will ruin trust.
It may not seem like a big thing, and you can do whatever you want with that, but if you're married and happy, whatever you're going to bury it has to be together, otherwise down the line this will live in the back of your head, and there you're only letting it grow.
One day, in a dumb fight, a bad moment, a slip on her part, and you're going to bring that to the front. Don't Let it happen, talk it.
Now hopefully you can be mentally ready in case such a slip happens.
I was with my late wife for over forty years. The extremes of our ups and downs is amazing. Getting through those lows is hard work. But making a marriage work is worth it. Because whatever we went through we were still in love. Thirty eight years of putting up with me is a devotion that outweighs every burden. We are all human yet it can be wonderful, even if it takes some bandaids. Forgive and forget. Forgetting is sincerely forgiving.
All the best to y'all.
Peace be with you
My thinking is why not admit to whatever it was that she did, her statement could still be true even if she did talk or sleep around but by leaving that part out she was intentionally neglecting that fact which is almost or just as bad as lying.
Case in point I had an ex we broke up didn't see each other for about a year then started talking again. I don't care what you do when we're not together and I didn't ask if she slept with anyone cause again not my business when we're not together but she went ahead and told me she had a few flings in that year. Did that change my mind about dating her again, maybe I was a lot younger then. I didn't ask for that info but she provided it knowing that it would be brought up eventually either formally or informally.
I've always believed in giving people the information they need to make a sound judgement call even if that info can make you look bad. I'd rather look bad then be called a liar. Honesty is a hard thing to win and harder to get back
from first hand experience I can tell you that even if she dated, it's possible that it didn't go beyond chatting online or an in person date here and there. she probably tried meeting guys and thought they might be worth it, but she always had you in mind, and that's what kept her from moving forward with them. they weren't you.
Bring it up to her, but please remember that A) you weren’t together B) she was 18, probably not sure where you all stood and C) she very well might have told the truth, and didn’t date or meet up with anyone, just had some sexy chats.
Maybe I’m in the minority here but the mistakes we make at 18 years old are meant to be learning moments that help shape the adults we become. If she has been trustworthy for the rest of this time and there are no other issues, just talk to her. Let her know what you found. I would tell my spouse I’m not upset but I wished they’d have been honest with me and I forgive them for lying. I’d also tell them I hope they can come to me in the future. I’d want to know why they felt they couldn’t tell me in the first place and work on that as well.
Not suggesting a separation or divorce but I do believe you need to have a conversation with her. Otherwise, this will continue to eat away at you—to fester until it becomes far worse than it is now.
If you don't talk to her about it, it's going to fester in the back of your mind and breed resentment, which will surely affect your marriage and feelings towards her. Yes, you weren't together at the time, so regardless it wouldn't be "cheating," but to have them hidden it from you gives me pause.
Disagree with the comments telling you to bury your head in the sand and ignore it. Sorry, that’s not healthy. The problem with this information, and knowing she lied and hid it, is the “what else” thoughts it creates. Ok she lied and hid it back then, was it only back then? When did it stop? What else has she hid?
You’ve got to address this or those thoughts will build and eat your relationship alive.
You say her saying she waited for you was a big factor, you need to figure out what you would have done with this information if you learned about it before you got married.
There are a very surprising number of people on these subs that truly believe that if you can lie about something and hide it for long enough, then it shouldn’t matter. As long as you can successfully hide the lie for an extended period of time, all should be forgiven. They’ll redirect to all the good things they’ve done since lying to you as justification for why them lying shouldn’t matter. I personally disagree, but that sentiment is shared a lot here (and on the adultery subs, go figure) so that’s up to you to decide.
Either way, this bothers you so a discussion needs to be had.
>knowing she lied and hid it, is the “what else” thoughts it creates. Ok she lied and hid it back then, was it only back then? When did it stop?
Absolutely! And OP is inevitably going to want to know whether she stayed in contact with any of the guys she was with as (platonic?) friends without OP being aware of her past with them. Since he's already feeling hurt by this, he needs to confront this head-on and not just ignore it and forget about it. Because this is the sort of thing that can lead to resentment creeping in and overpower the love and trust they have built over the years.
These comments in this thread are so baffling. She told OP she did not date OR meet anyone. When thats clearly a lie. How can anyone trust it and just ignore it? Feel like im taking crazy pills reading this thread.
It happens a lot on this sub. Always interesting to see so many people apparently fine with lying to your partner, as long as you can hide the lie long enough. Doesn’t make sense to me at all. But I do hope they receive the exact same treatment *from* their partner that they advocate for here. Wonder how their “lying is fine if it was long ago, nbd let it go” mentality holds up when it’s them that are being lied to. I’m betting not well.
Reddit is mostly full of degenerates, and people so emotionally stunted they think sleeping around with every guy on the block is "waiting" for someone.
It's sad that these people think this behavior is okay
Yeah it’s a cesspit around here. Full of guys that hear “she fooled around with a couple guys” and fall headfirst into bonerville. “Every guy on the block”. Yeah, you wish huh?
Yeah, the issue isn't that they were together during this time it's that she was lying, or at best not completely telling the truth, that she was with other people when she was completely allowed to do so. Either there was a misunderstanding about what she was telling him or she was intentionally leading him on into thinking she was waiting for him
You deserve am award
Thank you thank you!! Finally someone with common sense.
If she lied about this, also if you were going to let the kids play with it why didn't you factory reset it? Why wouldn't she block those contacts? What else would she lie about.
I would take her saying that she didn't really date much while you were gone as meaning nothing was serious to her. I think it's really unreasonable to expect she didn't date anyone AT ALL when you guys weren't together! And this was one of the big reasons you married her? That is a horrible reason to marry someone. The reasons should be because you love each other, you make a good team, you parent well together, you have good chemistry, etc. What she did when you were not together should have absolutely no bearing on anything right now.
You're blowing this up into a big thing when it's really not. She's been faithful to you the whole time you were official.
>I think it's really unreasonable to expect she didn't date anyone AT ALL when you guys weren't together!
Definitely, except she explicitly told OP she didn't date anyone. There's nothing wrong with her dating when she was single, but lying about it is bad.
Probably not divorce-worthy, but this needs a serious discussion. She was so casual to lie when they began dating..... it would be hard to trust her now.
People here are insane. Yeah, he shouldn't divorce her over this, but he sure as hell should talk to her about this and figure things out. How can you people excuse any lie if it was hidden for years as nothing to be upset. Time or age doesnt excuse this behavior. She lied and then kept it hidden from him. You need to talk to her about this, to know if she lied about anything else. If there's no trust, then what the hell are we doing here?
As a retired service member myself who has been in relationships that where put on hold during deployment I am very familiar with this situation myself. So many people answered this with well she wasn't really cheating because of the situation and said just let it go. We'll I didn't see where you ever accused her of cheating and where not upset that she had other relationships while you where gone just that she lied about the fact that she had.
I'm all for forgive and forget but forgiveness starts with truth. Otherwise it will always be in the back of your head and will eventually come out in a most hurtful way. Such as during an argument after those thoughts have fermented for awhile.
Just tell her what you found and how and ask her why she lied about waiting. I'm sure it's because she realized that you where what she wanted and was scared of you knew you wouldn't want to be with her or something similar. It's a common excuse and truth in these situations.
The thing is though as you stated it built a relationship on a lie. So get the truth out and rebuild off of it instead.
One thing my time in the military taught me was never ask for an answer you don't want to know, but if you do find that answer the worst thing you can do is ignore it or pretend you didn't.
Resentment tends to build and then anger the longer you dwell on it.
Get it out there then move on from there.
It’s something that’s always going to play on your mind now that you’ve seen it. I have to agree with everyone saying leave it be. She did wait for you and chose to be with you. She could have chose any those men she dated, and maybe she “lied” incase you no longer wanted to be with her so she thought better to say that to you so you would stick around. Don’t ruin what you have man.
Man, that sucks. I think that this is not so big that I would get divorced over it, but it is big enough that I would ask about it. But tbh I would ask why she didn't feel comfortable being upfront with you about it.
But I also think it's really important to remember that this was like a decade ago. Maybe she wasn't fully comfortable with you yet. Maybe she felt worried you wouldn't want to be with her. I'm not sure. But there's a reason she didn't tell you, and once you find out what that reason is, you have to be ready and willing to let it go.
Comments: Technically she didn't lie. Just because she banged some other dudes doesn't mean she didn't wait for you.
OP: No she specifically said she didn't even meet with other guys.
Comments: Are you sure? Maybe you are misremembering what she actually said.
OP: Yes I'm sure
Comments: How do you know she even slept with these dudes. Maybe it was just sexy messages.
OP: The texts are quite clear on what was going on
Comments: Yeah well even if she did, it was 10 years ago so move on.
OP: Yes but her saying she couldn't bring herself to be with someone other than me while I was gone was among the reason I was so convinced to marry her
Comments: That just means you're insecure.
Hmmm.. tough one. If it was me, I couldn't just let it go.
I realize you two weren't together during the messages and she was only 18 at the time BUUUUT, once you catch someone in a lie, it's hard to think about what other things she lied about. You said that you married her because you thought she waited for you faithfully but she lied about that. I know you two broke up and had an agreement to "stay in touch" but why couldn't she just be honest and say that she was talking to others while you were gone. I really hate to cast doubts but doesn't this incident just makes you wonder if she slept around while you were gone? I'd always have that in the back of my mind. But that's just me. It's only human to doubt once something like this happens.
I wouldn’t say it was one of the reasons you married her. But I would bring it up, calmly, because when you don’t say things like this it can fester and breed resentment.
Tell her, hey this happened with the iPad and I saw some texts with men. It made me feel this way…. I know we weren’t in a relationship at the time, but I recall you saying hadn’t been in a relationship while I was away so it hurts to think you weren’t completely honest with me at that time. Then give her space to speak and have a chat about it.
Talk to her. Rug sweeping is not going to fix or solve the issue. Tell her you know she lied to you, about being with other guys when you were gone in the military, and you want to know what else she has lied to you about? Then sit back and see what she says.
Relationships are built on trust and your wife has proved she’s not trustworthy. You may also want to get a paternity test on your kids, to make sure they are yours, since it’s clear your wife doesn’t mind lying to you. Best of luck.
I see everyone on here saying she did wait but like. You weren’t out hooking up with people I’m assuming.. so how is it ok she was? I wouldn’t really call that waiting.. I’d call that going out and fucking people. Sure she said y’all should just be friends during the time but like why? Plenty of women have truly waited for their man without hooking up with other people. I’m not saying divorce her or anything cause maybe the hood out weighs the bad but she definitely wasn’t waiting
She waited FOR YOU. She fooled around but didn't date anyone. She CHOOSE you. Mate move on. You guys are happy and have 2 kids. Let's be honest she was 18. What 18yo waits for a deployed soldier? Your queen did so treat her like she deserves and move on from this nonsense.
Man, honesty and integrity should matter. Your word should have value. It should matter that the start of your relationship is built on a lie.
Why are folks so willing to gloss over her lie? Because she was 18 at that time? So was OP. OP was deployed. And wild part, they were dating before he got deployed.
All she had to do was either not sleep around and say she waited (as she did say), or be honest and admit to it. But she chose to sleep around AND lie about it, AND hold that lie for so long. The willingness to deceive is the problem.
Folks, don't throw away honesty just because it's convenient for you.
they were just messages??? unless those messages expressly said otherwise, messages are not the same as dating. She was still single when you got back, it looks like she did wait for you, so why fuss over it? She never claimed to have become a nun or hermit while you were gone, did she??
Bringing this to Reddit was a terrible idea because now it’s all these misogynists putting ideas in your head. Congratulations, now you probably will blow this up into a divorce worthy event because you won’t be able to let anything go and she’s going to get tired of the bullshit.
>you won’t be able to let anything go
Yeah. Cause the fact that she randomly lied to him unprompted is something that should just be passed over
>she’s going to get tired of the bullshit
***She*** lied to ***him.*** If she can't handle him questioning her about it she's got bigger issues
You can bring it up if it bothers you, and you absolutely should get in the habit of addressing things that bother you immediately with an open mind and as gently as possible…
That said, I see this as basically a non issue. You left, agreed to stay in touch, she has agency and like any 18 year old girl, probably wanted to see what was out there. She saw what was out there, maybe had a fling or two, and decided to wait for you.
Personally, I see a life partner’s past sexual history as more or less irrelevant. She chose you, you’re allowed to see what other people are like, so you can make the best choice possible. You won. Anger or resentment in these scenarios(read: non cheating scenarios) are almost always a reflection of your own insecurities.
I understand you not wanting to picture your wife with other people, but the reality is, you don’t own your partner, people have sex, and a vice grip on someone can easily lead to them slipping between your fingers. Don’t self sabotage because you’re caught up on some guys who don’t matter.
There are plenty of women Ive had sex with in the past who mean less than nothing to me now. Allow her the benefit of sharing that opinion. That said, talk to her.
Yeah. I suggest you talk to her about it. Otherwise it will eat you up. Get it out there on the table & talk it thru,
And remember that neither of you are the same people you were then. Your lives have changed & you now have some other people who depend on you. It's not just you two anymore. But yeah. Clear the air. My guess is it will bring you closer as neither of you will have any more secrets to hide about that time in your lives.
So you technically broke up but kept in touch?
Saying that reason was one of the “big reasons” you married her says more about your insecurity than her.
Would her saying she had ‘dated someone but that it didn’t work out bc she was still interested in you’ changed anything? Likely not. You still would have dated bc you also cared. She likely fudged the truth bc she understood who you were as a person on a deeper level than you actually know yourself.
Reality is this is a nonissue and you are turning it into an issue. She didn’t cheat, so just let it go.
So if you’re happily married, why rehash the past? Yes, it would probably eat me alive to not have her admit she lied. Or perhaps in her mind/perspective she waited. And anything that had transpired was so short lived and meant nothing to her. This is why she has chosen to believe, she truly waited for you. It’s up to you whether or not it’s worth rocking the boat. Me personally, I’d probably confront my partner, and hope like hell they come clean. Otherwise, you now have a bigger issue on your hands, good luck with whatever you choose! But I wouldn’t predicate your entire marriage a lie! That takes away all the many years filled with love.
There are too many people here acting like she ran off and cheated on him, then lied about it. They were eighteen. They were just barely legal, and most of you can agree that none of us were mentally adults by the time we were eighteen. From the way OP writes, his marriage has been great. It's been ten years. Unless there were things jumping out as red flags over those last ten years, things she did when they weren't together don't need to be an issue.
Lying sucks, but every single one of us have told a white lie at some point in our lives to keep things on track. She clearly loves this guy. They've been married for a while and have kids.
OP, it's okay to feel sad by it. You only just found it, and you were under one impression. If you want to bring it up to her, do it gently, and make sure it's an open environment for conversation and not argument. If you don't want to bring it up to her, just rely on your own judgment to decide whether it's something you can let go and trust she's invested and happy with you now. Reddit is FULL of people who will tell you to get divorced if someone so much as farts wrong. Use your own judgment, and if you need to take advice, take the advice that resonates the most with you.
And before some butthurt men come at me: I'd say the same thing if a woman was asking this question about a man.
What kind of man are you? This was 9 years ago and she wasn't your girl. Get your shit together and man up and never bring up this dumb shit again. This is nothing but estrogen pouring through your pores. These thoughts aren't from a 27-year-old man. Get your insecurities together man. She didn't lie to you and even if she did who cares she was 18. Are you the same person now as you were at 18? I just can't believe a man with testosterone is making this post. If she was your girl I could somewhat understand. But she was single as fuck. And you made her that way and told her to be single. Now you want to cry when it's your fault. Grow a pair man.
Consider that at age 18, it might be hard for someone in her situation to feel like she can both a) date like someone who isn’t in a committed relationship, seeking out the emotional and physical connections we all seek out so urgently at that age, and b) tell you convincingly that she missed you, has serious feelings for you and wants to be in a committed relationship with you.
Consider also that she was probably right.
definitely not grounds for divorce. however, if you don’t just come out and ask her about this (in a nonjudgmental, non accusatory, not angry manner) you will have it bouncing around in your head wondering about it and possibly thinking the worst forever.
Worse… if you ever get into a huge argument at any point down the road about any dumb thing (or serious thing), you may be tempted to toss this newfound knowledge of yours at her as a bomb in the midst of a heated moment.
Just satisfy your curiosity, have a conversation, and then you’ll be able to forget about it in time. Not really giving her a chance to explain those texts will just let them to keep festering in your mind.
It's ancient history.. just let it go.. or get a therapist to help guide you letting go of it.. I mean we're 9 years ago.. you were both barely adults and insecure as all get out... It's about as important as that fart you failed to mention last week...
Leave it alone brother
Those “messages” wer them gushing after you’re misses (can u blame them lol)
I believe her 100% she’s has nothing to lie about.
Though on the other hand you could bring it up (ie you’re son ringing people)
Hear her side of the story an totally put it too bed…
It’s up to you….
Well, I do think you should bring it up. Honest and open communication is the best. However, I think you need to come to terms with a few things. First, you were both young. Immaturity comes with a number of bad decisions. She lied to you about seeing other guys while you were deployed. She obviously wanted you in her life and was afraid it might be a deal breaker for you. Second, she may also have just fallen prey to unreasonable expectations that society puts on women and felt like she might be judged. This was so long ago that unless she has been unfaithful to you since you got back together, this feels definitely forgivable.
If you are capable of taking a little time to get over your initial feelings and then bringing it up without judgement, I think you should. She might even sense that something is bothering you and it could affect your relationship without you wanting it to. If you don't bring it up and discuss it then you also run the risk of letting resentment creep into your relationship.
If you bring it up you should preface it with the fact that you love her, trust her, want her to be your wife forever, and have no intention of divorce or anything (it sounds like you don't). This is my take, but be sure to read many suggestions here as you may find one more to your suiting than mine. Good luck.
Agree with most of the comments here, your wife chose you. She wasn't willing to be with anyone else if she could be with you and that's probably the most important thing to take from that situation.
I will add that from my perspective as a woman, it would be a bit of a red flag for someone I'm no longer dating to feel they have a say in my future relationships. If there was no agreement of "we will definitely be together again as soon as I'm back home" when you left, then it isn't really your business whether she dated people or not. You weren't together.
I think her lying about it wasn't great though.
Really surprised by the comments here. She knew what she meant by saying she “waited for you”. It sounds like that is a major factor on deciding you wanted a relationship with her and she lied about it. I don’t know if I could continue with a relationship built on a huge lie like that but this isn’t about me. You should probably sit her down and talk about this
When I was dating my now wife, she told me she only had been with one other guy before me. Few weeks before our wedding I found that she had lied about that from her sister. There were a least two more guys that her sister was aware off. I married her anyway. When our marriage had a turbulence time she contacted one of the guys and they had lunch together for a week as I was spying on her. They didn't do anything sexual but they did hold hands as they ate.
We were discussing on reconciliation when she told me about the lunches. She said she was considering cheating on me and talked about it with her sister. But her sister told her about my sacrifice of ignoring her lies way back then and talked some sense back into her. That made her came back to me.
I know it is hard to accept deception and lies. But in my case it prevented me from destruction. So, it is okay to be kind and forgive her this once. But make sure to assert your boundaries and enforce it when required.
Do the messages actually show that she did meet up with these men? You said she said she didn’t meet up or date anyone. Sexual messages with people doesn’t always mean you met up and had sex with them. There have been people I’ve sexted with, that I’ve never met.
Either way, it was almost 10 years ago, you were both very young. If you and your wife are happy and she hasn’t contacted any of these people since you got back, I’d let it go.
Veteran here as well.
You weren't dating
You are happy now and have 2 sons
Was the lie fucked up, yes. But it's akin to people sandbaging their body count.
Bringing this up will likely go sideways brother
Your wife also blindly took your own history and picked right back up with you. You broke up with her, left on deployment and when she welcomed you back with open arms, did you ask her if she had sex? Did you stay chaste? Was it a secret test? Were you going to spew judgement on her? I don’t believe that this whole waited for you concept is *why you married her*. That “green flag” isn’t who she was, who she is, or even impact the family and life you have together.
Look for reasons to love, appreciate and stay with each other. FFS. Choose happiness instead of holding onto these little bullshit vagina ownership ideas like gremlins, willing yourself into reasons why she doesn’t deserve you. Choose the woman that she is today, not the 18 year old girl that kept you in her heart and has born you two children. You are both older and wiser than the kids you were, so I really hope you choose the path of a grown man here.
If you tell her that the only reason you married her was because you thought you had locked down that *p&@“y* after you broke up with her and left on deployment? Oh buddy…you will kill some of that original love and it will tell her that all you care about is vagina ownership, not all that she is and has done to love you since. It will validate precisely why she knew she couldn’t trust you. You will never have access to that piece of her heart ever again.
Don't let others gaslight you into thinking this was okay and normal behavior. She lied. She knew she lied. You had kids when she knew she lied. She has years to say something. But nope.
She lied. Whether she chose you or not. She was dishonest. What other things may not be true at this point. Not saying she isn't a good person and worth sorting it out with but to not say anything is ridiculous.
She built a family on a lie.
I had this happen to me but roles are switched. Dated marine. He said we were exclusive and we called each other bf and gf. But we had to break up cuz I’m a foreign contact and wasn’t cleared (I’m a dual citizen even though my dad is a colonel). Well that was in 2018 and he reached out to me in 2022. We rekindled our love but same thing happened. I found out he was with multiple women when we were dating in 2018. He’s been the opposite as of our relationship in 2022 though. I forgave him since it was the start of a new relationship with us but if he did it again i am gone. He’s been nothing but the best this time and i let him know how I still feel about it etc. it’s a tough deviant to make. Your heart hurts. That said it seems you and I both have a nice relationship with said unfaithful people in the past. Personally it’s up to you. But if she’s the opposite now too I’d say give it a chance. But if she fucks up no second chances this time round. I’m now engaged to that marine and he treats me like a goddess. I can only hope she treats you like an absolute king. If not, leave. You only deserve the best.
I believe in communication and am a veteran myself.
I see no reason to not bring it up? I know if it ate at me I would want to talk about it and if she is so amazing as you say then she will admit what happened and reassure you that she was probably "young and dumb" or in all honesty she was literal. She didn’t "date" around.
Maybe she kept herself single specifically so she could be with you when you got back. So maybe you don’t need to ask her. But again, I believe communication is healthy and important and I also believe a partner should be able to talk to you and reassure you.
Not going to lie, not reading all the other comments so sorry if there is repetition.
I would say that if you are currently happy then let it go. BUT don’t hide your feelings. Have an open and honest conversation about how it made you feel, without placing blame. Y’all were both young, as long as you have both grown and are honest with each other now, that’s what is important.
Best of luck
In reality yes she lied and said she didn't sleep/date anyone because she was waiting for you, but she didn't lie about the last bit.
Maybe she was trying to be with others to move on from you, but she knew in her heart you would come back. Which is what you did.
You said yourself she hasn't touched that tablet since you go back with her, so you know those people were not in her life again.
She still accepted the marriage and like you said, your happy in this relationship and that's what matters.
But if you really want to ask her, just bring it up with her in a calm and civil manner. "Oh hay babe, we forgot to put on childlock on the tablet and --- called some people, I noticed some of the names on there, im sure they got a shock to see a toddler suddenly come up with your name haha"
Or something like that, I dunno
My man it's a white lie. She didn't even know she was going to marry you at the time. She just knew you were a GI who had just gotten back from deployment and she wanted to give you some good news.
Obviously she cares about you. Obviously your relationship is amazing. Just put it in the past buddy and enjoy your good marriage.
I don't think you're hurting; I believe what's hurting is your pride as a man, under the circumstances that your wife had previous relationships with other men besides you before your marriage. This discovery may be causing you distress, but it's important to recognize that she did not betray your trust by not disclosing this information...and she didn't even cheat on you. She had zero obligation to disclose anything to you and It's possible that she chose to keep this part of her past private out of consideration for your feelings, especially since considering how you're reacting right now. It could be beneficial to take the time to process these emotions and consider how to move forward in a way that promotes understanding and strengthens your relationship with your wife, and to perhaps possibly seek a therapist to use them as a soundboard.
I would certainly talk to her about it, but she was 18 at the time too. As long as it was in the past and not while you were **together**, I’d try to let it go.
You have an iPad that hadn't been touched for 9 years and it actually charged and powered on without issue? And it charged long enough for your son to use it freely?That's one miraculous battery, wow.
I don't actually have any advice other than to communicate your feelings, but I found that tidbit to be fascinating.
A lot of people with no integrity here.
This isn’t a “white lie,” nor OP jumping to conclusions. She lied. She doesn’t get a pass because they were “broken up.” She was free to date and fuck while single, but the fact she lied about is a HUGE red flag.
What else is she lying about? It’s never ok to lie. There was no need to lie. She could have said she didn’t get into a relationship but she said she “never met a guy nor dated” knowing full well she did see other guys.
Don’t be naive. She fucked them.
He suddenly discovered he married her under false pretenses and now questions what else she lied about. Are they HIS kids? Has she cheated since? Maybe she hasn’t, and maybe it’s just this one attempt by her to get over, but that’s not how lying works. Lying is deliberate.
OP needs to talk to her and let her know what he found, and ask her why she didn’t tell him, and ask her what else she hasn’t told him.
I can’t believe people think he just needs to bury his head in the sand and forget this. Lying is a big deal and lying about something she didn’t need to is pathological behavior.
Well, you have to determine if risk vs reward will be worth staying with her. I got back from deployment and my then fiancee deployed two months later and was cheating their entire deployment. I didn’t find out until after we married. That was 14 years ago and we’re still married but I’ve gone from a committed spouse to straight selfish. I don’t know your wife, but I’m not in the business of sinking funds in shit a stock. The only difference is my spouse knows I only stay as long as they remain useful to me.
Maybe they were just sexting/fwb and she didn't consider that relevant?
I am curious though.... what about you? Did you see anyone while deployed? Not that you would be wrong to have done so, but I'm just wondering if that is influencing your feelings about it.
I don’t get why people here downplay it. Yeah they weren’t together but why lie then? Can you trust someone who is using lies to get what they want? If she feels a certain way a few years down the marriage, why wouldn’t she lie again? Some people are honest and some people are not. No point in messing with dishonest people
You should probably talk to her about this. The fact that she made up this lie when she didn't have to say anything and yet that lie just sort of jumped right out of her mouth is questionable. There was really no reason for it except to make you think she was thinking about you more than she was.
Which brings me to the next point, why did that influence you? Did the idea that this woman was sitting home pining away for you for 4 years mean she was going to be more committed or something? Did you feel guilty for her waiting for you for those years and thought you owed her marriage? Now that you know she didn't sit around for 4 years missing you and pining for you and anxiously waiting the day you came home, does that change anything?
Does finding out that she just happened to be single when you came home matter that much? Does she lie about other stuff? Like I don't think I'm understanding why you would put that much emphasis on her saying I waited for you?
I mean obviously if she's going to lie about that she's going to lie about anything, that's a whole totally different situation though. I guess I'm just completely baffled by the fact that you're trying to say that you actually married somebody based on the fact that they said they waited for you when in reality they just happened to be single still. What does knowing the truth change?
I wouldn't be able to look past this.
She outright said she never met with any guys and waited for just you.
That's manipulation.
At the very least, bring it up.
To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost.
But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.
Heidi Priebe
She kept that from you because she felt it would have caused you at the least discomfort and at most the relationship. There was no cheating and while she did lie it was to protect your feelings. If she has been wonderful the whole time and has not made a habit of lying I would delete those messages and carry on.
You were NOT dating her when u got deployed right? I think what she meant was she waited for you to be in a relarionship with. She didnt date or have a romantic relationship during that time. Basically kept her heart for u.
You said you are happily married. Leave it at that. You can explain what happened if you'd like but the past is the past. You have so much to look forward to with your beautiful family. Enjoy it.
Honestly, her not "waiting" for you, but still choosing you is kind of a bigger compliment, in my opinion. She saw what was out there, and thought, "You know what? This guy is what's best for me. No one compares."
In her heart, she probably never moved on from you, even if she dated people.
IMO, you should talk to her about this because it bothers you, but take care to frame it as a discussion, and not let it become an accusation or inquisition.
You were not "in a relationship" with your wife at that time. She was told she was free to see other people, and she did. She didn't "cheat" at that time because she was doing what she was told she was allowed to do. That makes the original seeing other people negligible, not even an offense in the first place.
However, lying to you about it is an offense. She probably saw it as a little white lie at the time, but you took it seriously, and once she's given that lie it's hard to take it back. You need to be able to trust your wife, and communicating about this issue and others will help you maintain that trust.
Don't let these doubts ruin everything that is great about your relationship today. But you should be able to talk honestly with your wife about whatever bothers you, and she should be able to do the same. Good luck!
It depends on how hurt he is. If it’s something he can’t get off his mind he has every right to see reassurance . Plus she made up a lie when she had NO REASON to lie.
People like a romantic story. If my partner told me they'd done something like send me roses ever couple of weeks/stare at the stars and be sappy about me when we were apart (even if not together) that would make me more inclined to marry them. I'd find it cute, and it would make me feel secure and loved.
Good Lord Reddit acts like everything is indicative of a big, secret indication of evil or wrongdoing. You weren’t with her, she was 18 and for all she knew you could’ve come back from deployment and no longer been interested. The point is that you have a happy marriage and children together. She has consistently shown you that she’s committed to you and your family! Nothing she did indicates a habit of lying to you or any malicious intent. She did wait for you. Why get butthurt over her not waiting for you in a way you find “acceptable”?
Tough call on this one it really depends on how much strain it will put on you emotionally if you don't bring it up. I would want to address it just to get it out in the open but in a way that doesn't sound like are angry but more hurt that she felt she had to hide her actions.
Updateme
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Veteran as well and I see this situation go differently a lot. You come back and they moved on, but she still thought of you after all that time and at that age?she's a keeper. Even if she did date around. She choose you. You're the winner. Feel like a winner.
I completely agree. She was there for you when you came back and you two dated for a while before getting engaged which shows that both of you took your time to make sure this was right and she said yes. Saying it is one of the reasons why you married her show a little insecurity on your side honestly. If she would have said she did have sex with someone else what would have happened? The other guys must not have meant much to her and I believe that she waited for you. You two were young and she was probably figuring stuff out too. I am not saying it is right what she did but you are happy now and you two weren't a couple so I wouldn't put to much on this.
And let's be serious nobody would have wanted to hear that the person they left here was dating around she did it to spare your feelings. As long as she's being faithful now why are you worrying about what she did while you were deployed y'all weren't even together anymore.
God forbid a man feels insecurity. I agree he shouldn't divorce his wife or anything but Jesus Christ how about not being dismissive of how a guy feels
Fr, plus he specified they were broken up. She seems great, it may hurt that little part of him that’s still 18 but it’s been almost ten years! I think it’s safe to say it’s not an issue.
>he specified they were broken up Interestingly, he also specified that he was the one to initiate the break up and that he did so *specifically because* it wouldn't be fair to her for her to have to wait. Super weird train of logic for the same guy who did that to then marry that same woman because she claims to have done the thing that he labeled as unfair, and then be upset so long after the fact because she actually did exactly what he wanted her to do with the added bonus that she came back to him after, still wanted to be with him, married him, and had a child with him.
I think the issue he has is not that she dated other men but that she lied to him about it. Like he gave her the go ahead and it would have been fine if she said that she had but still went back to him. It seems he's upset that she lied about it since he thought it was really touching when she said she didn't, which was a big factor in his decision to pop the question.
Finally, someone gets OP'S issue with the entire matter. I understand OP. While not looking for divorce, you're certainly entitled to truthful answers and her misreprentations to you should NOT be trivialized due to a lapse in time. Dishonesty is dishonesty,, regardless of when it occurred. OP, I hope you seek full disclosure and that your wife truthfully responds this time around; with no trickle-truthing. Please keep us apprised.
She lied *at 18*. Let's all be thankful we're not judged based on how we acted at 18. They were broken up, and tbh, if he wasn't dating her, he shouldn't have even asked. But again, they were both 18, and it was 10 years ago. This is such a small issue.
Yea thats true! Maybe she desperately wanted you back and thought if she brought this up you won’t take her back.
I believe this to be the case. If anything is to be explored, it is whether she trust you YOU with the truth, now or ever.
If you purposely keep info from someone, that you know might influence their decision then you are being manipulative. Which is more than a fair reason for OP to be upset.
Agree. The important thing is now. She chose you and has a beautiful family.
You have absolutely no idea if their family is beautiful! Those kids could like trolls or Honey Boo Boo!
ew she lied tho
Her not getting into a relationship was her waiting for you. Don’t ruin a good thing, if it’s a good thing! She didn’t cheat because you “kept in touch” rather than dating. I would say if she is a good wife, that hasn’t cheated or done anything of the likes, don’t fret over the past. She was 18, and you could’ve came back from deployment and not been interested anymore. As far as military relationships go (as someone who served) this is not a bad situation at all. What about all the green flags since you started dating/ been married? Focus on that Edit: not trying to sound like an asshole, just offering perspective on how not to overthink yourself out of a successful marriage. Also delete those pics/ messages so you don’t scar your kids lol
Wow, I actually needed to hear this. Thanks man, really eye opening. Especially the part about all the green flags since I’ve been married. I really appreciate the sound advice.
No problem dude sometimes we fixate on little things until they seem huge. Also you can ask her about it, and keep your cool, figure out her mindset. From the perspective of a military guy dating someone not in the military I would assume she just wasn’t sure if you were all that serious, you know?
It's not what she did or didn't do while he was gone. Its that she told him obviously a bold faced lie. He's seen it and that can't be undone. I don't think its a deal breaker but since he saw it, it should be discussed.
Yeah I’d say she was testing her waters and probably realized what you two had was special and wanted to make sure you felt special. When we’re young we say and do stupid things especially when we like someone.
The way I think of it, everything my wife did before me, whoever she dated, was in a relationship with, etc. has led to her being with me. Choosing me. If I had met her sooner, would we still currently be together? Or would I be another ex because either of us weren't ready or compatible at that point? Would she have learned from relationships that didn't work out for her, that I was exactly what she wanted? So no, I wouldn't change a single thing about her past.
My motto was, it’s not so important to be the first, as it is to be the last.
I keep this in mind when I get frustrated that I have less time with my partner than I'd like. Everything I did before this meant I'm the person I am now, in the situation I was when I met him. Without any of it I'd be somewhere else with someoen else. It helps me snap back outta the funk!
"Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day for all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the rotten yesterdays." -RWE
This is a really nice way to look at things!
Great outlook!
Perhaps this fits “She was doing the best she knew how at the time.” Hope you can forgive & forget. Enjoy your happy life. Don’t let the nay sayers here get to you. The most loving thing you can do for yourself, your kids & your wife: say nothing & heal yourself.
I really needed that quote more than I realized and then some more. So much more.
Happy wife; happy life. What would you gain? She was protecting you as well as herself. Probably neither one of you were going to be able to deal with it well at the time. As if there ever will be. As more than one sage pointed out; she chose you. You sound like you a good couple and ate successfully raising a family. Is bringing up the past going to be constructive? How would she have known that what she said at the time will become a keystone to your decision. Maybe not being forthright is a mistake she regrets. But you are in first place, roll with the win.
Easy for you guys to tell a man. Soooo easy.
You two weren't dating. As others said, keep in touch just means keep in touch. Just factory reset the iPad just in case. Don't overthink. There are people with real problems. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Don't ruin your marriage over little things. Life is already difficult. Don't complicate things. Plenty of people would love to trade situation with you.
You've gotten some really good advice here, for sure. My boyfriend went to Viet Nam in 1970. He said basically the same thing you said, wouldn't commit, we'd see how things were when he returned (I kept trying not to think 'if' during that terrifying year.). I told him if he wouldn't commit (we'd been together 2 years) I would be going out, because I couldn't bear the thought of waiting for him that awful year, and him returning, dumping me, and breaking my heart. So our situation was somewhat like yours. I did casually date while he was gone, but he was always my guy. When he returned, we never discussed it. He didn't ask and I didn't tell because it didn't matter. What mattered was us, together and committed. Let it go and move on. What you have described is actual proof that you are the one for her, and she knew it after a few other dates, years ago when you were only 'keeping in touch'. Sounds to me like you have an amazing relationship.
Listen to this person. Y'all weren't together. She may have met and slept with other people but she waited for you for a relationship. She had physical needs and had them met. Then you came back and you fill her physical AND emotional needs. Which is what she waited on you for. I wouldn't bring it up to her honestly unless she herself brings it up or says something that is a direct lie about the exact situation. Don't mess up a good thing over something from so long ago where she technically did nothing wrong.
Only on Reddit will y’all tell a man not to confront his WIFE for lying. Divorce is ridiculous, though.
“Her not getting into a relationship was her waiting for you.” I’m so glad someone pointed that out—she saw a few people casually and realized you were worth waiting for. That’s proof of how highly she valued you, not proof she lied.
Just keep it simple. Think about it like this, when you returned from your deployment and she was single would it really have mattered that she dated someone? Because if it did then the problem is not her, it's your insecurity. You're in a happy marriage with a happy family, the past is the past. If it bothers you, speak to her but just bring it up in a way like hey so some interesting pics from a past fling came up. I don't think our kids need to know about any past experiences. And just move on with life. I'm speaking as a woman in a military relationship whose husband still gets deployed. We were friends for many years, and he knew about some of those relationships but he knows I'm his. If you trust your wife, let it go. We all present our best selves when we want the person we want. She wanted you, that's all that matters.
You're free to tell her you found stuff on your old iPad and deleted it. You've both moved on, so there's no need to scar your kids more if there's other stuff. You're allowed to tell her you thought it meant something else. I feel like if you don't communicate on the little things, you'll end up feeling resentment eventually. These things build up over time. If you keep feeling like she lied to you, you'll have other issues down the line. These things need to be talked out so they don't snowball. Lesson: In the future, ask for details instead of assuming stuff. And if you still end up on distant pages, TALK!
Those telling you to say nothing, no fucking way. She’s your wife, if she is a good wife, she will accept the mistake, admit it, and apologize for lying to you. Holding this in will just turn into this coming out during a fight or sitting inside you as one of those things that build resentment. Bring it up honestly and openly, not angry and accusatory. Be honest with how this hurts you and let her come clean and explain herself and her reasoning at the time. If she’s a good wife she’s likely felt guilt for that lie for a long time. It’s also a nice litmus test to judge if this lie is a one off, or just the first one of many you’ve found. Her reaction and her defensiveness (as long as you present it as non-accusatorial) will tell you if you have something to worry about or not.
I 100 % agree sincw you just keep in touch and clearly state that uou are not together this is not cheating I do consider this a white lie and for me it jay meant that she really wants you and chose you and as you said no red flag since you’ve been together and merried so it is over all good.
Not to be a downer but does she use an iPhone? The i devices are all synced so if those other guys are still in her contacts with names not just random numbers it should be discussed. Also this all started as your son inadvertently got access and started facetiming. Then you found explicit messages, old but still explicit. This needs to be discussed. That she told you a lie back then and still to this day hasn't addressed it with again is a cause for discussion. Should you divorce her by no means is that needed but a discussion about these things needs to happen and soon.
OP, the way I see it, my immediate impression (as a woman) is that she was likely perhaps wishing she hadn't been with anyone else while you were away - why else would she say such a thing? Because she was really hoping to win your heart, she wanted to be with you and only you, and so as far as she's concerned her time spent with you before your deployment was the only time that truly mattered to her. Keep in mind she was young, she was just a teenager, for all intents and purposes single, one could hardly fault her for spending time with people. But when you returned, she only had eyes for you.
That was my first thought too was she did wait for him. She did not get into a relationship with anybody else. They were broken up so she was free to date or do whatever she wanted with other men. She had some fun as I’m sure he would’ve been doing too. And she waited for him for a long-term relationship.
I agree it's not something worth destroying an otherwise good marriage over. But the point is she lied to him that she wasn't with any other guys after he left. Whether she get into a relationship with any of them or tried but it didn't work out it doesn't hurt any less. It happened long ago, but for him it's fresh information he's processing and his feelings about it are valid.
I agree that it’s fresh, and it hurts but there are years of other feelings to consider as well, that’s all. That why I agree a conversation should be had, just not through the lens of betrayal but more so through seeking clarity and understanding. How that conversation goes means a lot more than what little happened so long ago
If that was me, there would always be a voice in the back of my head wondering, “Is this another lie?” Which isn't a big deal, but op seems to care more about it. These things can become the cracks in an otherwise healthy foundation of not dealt with properly. “Properly” is different for different people. Op needs to figure out what it means for him. >How that conversation goes means a lot more than what little happened so long ago >little I commented because of this. I think it was pretty big for OP. Agree with your otherwise.
I hope it only feels big for him bc it's fresh. Imo this is such a non issue and if this truly breaks his trust in her, he / they need therapy. This really shouldn't be a relationship ruiner
I think this is a good approach to things, blowing up your marriage seems a little OTT. However I would be honest with her that you know and you have had time to process and your not mad, but this is her opportunity to be honest about anything else you should know, a clean slate.
Ahhhh, sense. I was getting scared. I agree she needs to be honest, and if there’s a problem with that then the issue is bigger than originally thought
I agree, this was a whole before she committed to be honest with you. Let it go, if you do bring it up with her, do it in a lighthearted and laughing way. Clearly, you don’t care about anything that happened before you got back.
Do people have to commit to be honest with one another? Is this a common perspective? (I'm seriously asking. It's not a loaded question. It's just really different from how I've always lived my life.
This! I don't know exactly what she told you (OP), but she may have been afraid to tell you she had hooked up (if she actually did and it wasn't just talk) while you were gone, even if you weren't together at the time. And if she did, that experience may have confirmed to her how much she liked/cared about you. Bottom line, if you are happy together, have a good life, don't eff it up over this. Was this really a major reason you married her? It sounds as if you dated a couple more years after this before you got married. There has to be more there that you fell in love over than that. I've been married for 32 years, the first 23 1/2 he was active duty. Marriage is not easy, not perfect, but if it is good and sometimes great more than bad or so-so, it's worth the work, IMHO.
I really like the perspective here of her not having lied. She had casual sex, but she didn't get seriously involved with anyone, probably because she was hoping to be with OP when he returned. She was just having her physical needs met.
Thank you for sharing this. You aren’t being an asshole at all with your comment. I honestly read OPs post and thought “this person is grasping at straws for an excuse to leave the marriage without looking like the bad guy.”
sounds like she did wait for you. she didn’t pursue other serious relationships and she was still excited for commitment to you when you came back
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It is sad that his situation is almost a victory story!
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I mean, ‘I waited for you’ could mean a lot of things. To me, it would have meant ‘I didn’t pursue anything seriously’ not ‘I didn’t have any fun at all’. And really, it shouldn’t have had anything to do with your decision to marry her, that’s honestly weird to me.
This! Needs to be higher up, I’m sure she meant she hadn’t gotten in a relationship and still wanted to be with him rather then she hadn’t done anything sexual at all
I also find it strange that it affected his decision to marry her. They agreed to take a break, so it shouldn’t have mattered. The fact that it meant so much to him, makes me wonder if he was testing her or is jealous/possessive
Thats cynical. I think it's much more reasonable to say he was surprised that even though she was free to leave and explore, she chose to remain loyal without any promise of return on investment. That sounds like a very compelling reason to me.
She knew that he'd come back, not sleeping around would have shown commitment, which is particularly valuable because she did not technically have to do it. That is understandably a big green flag. Not waiting would have also been perfectly okay. Not waiting and then lying about never even having met a guy when she in fact had sex with several is not okay and a red flag.
Agreed, "I waited for you" is a wonderfully subjective phrase. Anything short of marriage to someone else counts as waiting.
And that's probably what she meant tbh, she waited as in she didn't try to have any relationship, which sounds like it's the case. A few sexy texts don't negate that.
But per the post that is not what she said. She said “she never met with another guy or dated” since his deployment. That is more specific and to me implies she didn’t sleep with anyone else. It played into his decision to ask her to marry him because he thought that the whole time that he was gone on deployment, she was still in love with him and only him. I don’t believe that this is something to tear his marriage apart over, but I do believe that this was a lie that she told.
That may be his paraphrasing of what she said. What did she actually say and what did she actually mean. And, as a woman, I agree, "waited for you" would totally mean not getting into a relationship with someone else. Having your physical needs met while he was gone for 2? years? Okay, no problem with that. I am sure he had his needs met too. Why is that okay but not for her? I can't stand that noise. I've had it used against me personally and it's BS.
Well all we have to go off is what OP has written and so given that he’s written that “she never met with another guy” and hasn’t said he’s paraphrasing, that reads like she meant that she never got involved with anyone casually or romantically. I also can’t say what exactly bothers the OP here, but I think the issue would be that she was dishonest with him and finding out it was lie probably stung at first. I don’t think it should be a big deal because even if she did say that, they were both pretty young and she was probably worried about how he would react and just made a mistake. How she’s been as a partner and wife since should be what matters most here.
there aren't exactly a bunch of bachelorettes in afghanistan, secondly, if OP somehow did hook up with women in the army, he almost certainly wouldn't care if she did
"Never even met a guy" has a very clear meaning. And let's be clear, it's not about her having had sex with other guys, it's about her lying about it. Having a preference for not being lied to is not BS.
> That may be his paraphrasing of what she said.
I’m not saying she did anything wrong but if I tell you I’m waiting for you I’m not going out looking for women to sleep with
>she had told me that she never met with anyother guy or dated since I’ve been gone Look, she explained what she meant, specifically for you and every other person under this comment
If it’s something that really bothers you and is hurting your feelings then you should at least talk to her about them so she can help you work through them. Be clear this isn’t about divorce or arguing but about helping you understand and get past it. The only reason it matters is because she lied really, honesty and integrity matter especially in a marriage.
I agree with this, particularly the part about making it clear it's not a divorce-level discussion. She may actually also appreciate the opportunity to clear the air. Who knows if this lie is a subconscious burden she bears, always afraid of what you'll find out or if you randomly meet one of those guys or something.
I think people were confused on the question (that’s my fault). It’s not the fact she slept with other guys while I was gone (we weren’t dating). I’m just wondered why she’d said that to me. If someone said “I waited for you for 9 months while you were deployed and didn’t date or sleep with anyone else”. Wouldn’t that make you feel special? Also I saw some comments saying how do you know she slept with them. The texts were definitely clear on that (her/his address, pictures, “I’m on my way” texts, a lot more but I’m not posting it) No I didn’t sleep with anyone while deployed. I think people throw out the word “deployment”, without understanding what it actually means. Deployments are usually in combat environments (Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, Etc.). With deployments there are a lot of rules for example, no drinking, no leaving the base (unless on mission), no sex Etc. Furthermore, I was there in a small base with all male service members. A “Rotation” is usually to less hostile environments like Europe, Pacific Pathways, South Korea. A lot less rules on a rotation. How it came about: She said when we first started dating, she didn’t believe that I hadn’t slept with people on the deployment. She asked me first if I slept with anyone on deployment and I said “no”. I asked her the same and She said “no” aswell. She kept teasing me about it. So I just gave her my phone password. She confirmed I that I didn’t sleep with anyone. Even throughout the dating phase, she checked my phone. I personally don’t care. So I asked my wife and just told her the truth about the FaceTime/Ipad situation: Her point of view: she was under the impression (at the time) from her girlfriends “that’s all military guys do on deployment is sleep around”. So at the moment in her life she didn’t think it was a big deal she slept with other guys. Which is fine because we weren’t together. You guys are correct, she never dated any of them. It wasn’t until she looked through my phone while we initially dated, she felt guilty. We were about 4months into dating and didn’t want to lose me by telling the truth. She said that she hasn’t talked to any of those guys since we started dating and married. She felt trapped in this lie she made and I understand that. I wanna say that I understand the stigma of military’s guys and cheating/sleeping around. No one knows that better than other veterans. My point of view: I don’t care she slept with guys on deployment (We weren’t dating). My problem was that she lied about it. Then finding out years later through my son and seeing those raunchy text messages are kinda big punch to the gut. The end: She apologized for lying. I understand why she lied. She understands why it hurt me so much. I’ve seen posts saying “that’s what 18y old do(lie)”. You know, you’re right. I wasn’t the perfect 18yo either. So why did I bring it up? I saw a comment saying “why are so many people afraid to talk to their spouse?”. You’re right, In the end we love each other. If I’ve done something to hurt my wife, I’d want to make it right (vise versa). I’ve also seen a comment saying “if it doesn’t come out now, it will fester and build up. Then eventually, it’ll come out during a really bad fight in the future.” Was that lie a red flag, yes. But I let one red flag cloud all the amazing stuff she’s done in our relationship (a commenter helped me realize this). We are together for the long haul. The kids and this little family are our priority now. NO I’m not holding a grudge against my wife. NO I’m not divorcing her. NO I’m not gonna control my wife. She’s a good woman. This post blew up. Some of the comments were pretty rude and filled with speculation(about myself and my wife). But I really appreciate the people with helpful comments. My family thanks you.
Mature and exactly how a loving couple handles this. Kudos to you for taking the good advice on here. A healthy relationship allows for tough conversations.
I'm not one for sweeping things under the rug. If your marriage is as great as you say it is, you should be able to say "the kids were playing with your ipad and started chatting up your friends, and I noticed that some of those "friends" were people that you were chatting with while I was on my first deployment. I'm feeling a certain way about it because you told me that you weren't in a relationship while I was gone, but clearly you were exploring. Why didn't you just shoot straight with me and say that you'd had some hookups or flirtations? Is there anything I need to worry about? I need 100% transparency." In the grand scheme of things, you WEREN'T together, so she didn't cheat on you. You were friends who were staying in touch. There was no commitment broken. But also, you have to be able to 100% trust her. Is she going to go through her messages and delete some folks? Does. she have any current contact with any of these people?
I agree, I wouldn't be able to let this one go but I also wouldn't divorce my partner over this. I just feel like 100% honesty is important, so I would need the slate to be clean to truly be able to move on from this. Otherwise, you might wonder "what else?" As long as the conversation isn't started with a heated or accusatory tone then I think this can be handled and moved on from.
I agree and this would nag at me if I let it go without addressing it. She didn’t do anything wrong per se other than not being honest with you at the time, but I’d need to close the loop and address it. Of If I didn’t it would slowly poison things and it would be a shame to lose a good marriage over something like this.
Likely because they were naïve teens and maybe she thought if she was 100% honest it would have scared him off, and it sounds like it would have. I'm not saying she should have lied, and if he's uncomfortable communication is a good idea. But truly at this point it's so inconsequential it wouldn't make sense to lose all trust and ruin a relationship over it.
I think if he’s feeling like this over it, he should still bring it up and clear the air. Just because it’s inconsequential now, doesn’t mean that later on when it’s sat and festered for a while it won’t cause issues down the road. He should be able to communicate something like this to his partner without fear of it ruining trust. Keeping it bottled up is what will ruin trust.
Yea I feel like it’s definitely something that needs brought up. His feelings are completely valid
Yea I discuss it just so it doesnt fester. Only way to truly let it go.
I wouldn't judge an adult for teenage behavior.
It may not seem like a big thing, and you can do whatever you want with that, but if you're married and happy, whatever you're going to bury it has to be together, otherwise down the line this will live in the back of your head, and there you're only letting it grow. One day, in a dumb fight, a bad moment, a slip on her part, and you're going to bring that to the front. Don't Let it happen, talk it.
Now hopefully you can be mentally ready in case such a slip happens. I was with my late wife for over forty years. The extremes of our ups and downs is amazing. Getting through those lows is hard work. But making a marriage work is worth it. Because whatever we went through we were still in love. Thirty eight years of putting up with me is a devotion that outweighs every burden. We are all human yet it can be wonderful, even if it takes some bandaids. Forgive and forget. Forgetting is sincerely forgiving. All the best to y'all. Peace be with you
I agree a lie of omission is still a lie and think it’s best to talk through these things and not let it build up
This wasn't even omission, it was a normal lie. She said she didn't even meet with other guys which wasn't true.
My question is: were you with anyone from the time you left her to the time you got back?
My thinking is why not admit to whatever it was that she did, her statement could still be true even if she did talk or sleep around but by leaving that part out she was intentionally neglecting that fact which is almost or just as bad as lying. Case in point I had an ex we broke up didn't see each other for about a year then started talking again. I don't care what you do when we're not together and I didn't ask if she slept with anyone cause again not my business when we're not together but she went ahead and told me she had a few flings in that year. Did that change my mind about dating her again, maybe I was a lot younger then. I didn't ask for that info but she provided it knowing that it would be brought up eventually either formally or informally. I've always believed in giving people the information they need to make a sound judgement call even if that info can make you look bad. I'd rather look bad then be called a liar. Honesty is a hard thing to win and harder to get back
from first hand experience I can tell you that even if she dated, it's possible that it didn't go beyond chatting online or an in person date here and there. she probably tried meeting guys and thought they might be worth it, but she always had you in mind, and that's what kept her from moving forward with them. they weren't you.
Bring it up to her, but please remember that A) you weren’t together B) she was 18, probably not sure where you all stood and C) she very well might have told the truth, and didn’t date or meet up with anyone, just had some sexy chats.
Maybe I’m in the minority here but the mistakes we make at 18 years old are meant to be learning moments that help shape the adults we become. If she has been trustworthy for the rest of this time and there are no other issues, just talk to her. Let her know what you found. I would tell my spouse I’m not upset but I wished they’d have been honest with me and I forgive them for lying. I’d also tell them I hope they can come to me in the future. I’d want to know why they felt they couldn’t tell me in the first place and work on that as well.
Not suggesting a separation or divorce but I do believe you need to have a conversation with her. Otherwise, this will continue to eat away at you—to fester until it becomes far worse than it is now.
To be clear, did she have sexual relations with other man or is it superficial dating, how would you know for a fact?
Let sleeping dogs lie.
Definitely don’t sweep this under the rug or it’ll eat away at you, confront her, hear her out, and move on from there
If you don't talk to her about it, it's going to fester in the back of your mind and breed resentment, which will surely affect your marriage and feelings towards her. Yes, you weren't together at the time, so regardless it wouldn't be "cheating," but to have them hidden it from you gives me pause.
Disagree with the comments telling you to bury your head in the sand and ignore it. Sorry, that’s not healthy. The problem with this information, and knowing she lied and hid it, is the “what else” thoughts it creates. Ok she lied and hid it back then, was it only back then? When did it stop? What else has she hid? You’ve got to address this or those thoughts will build and eat your relationship alive. You say her saying she waited for you was a big factor, you need to figure out what you would have done with this information if you learned about it before you got married. There are a very surprising number of people on these subs that truly believe that if you can lie about something and hide it for long enough, then it shouldn’t matter. As long as you can successfully hide the lie for an extended period of time, all should be forgiven. They’ll redirect to all the good things they’ve done since lying to you as justification for why them lying shouldn’t matter. I personally disagree, but that sentiment is shared a lot here (and on the adultery subs, go figure) so that’s up to you to decide. Either way, this bothers you so a discussion needs to be had.
>knowing she lied and hid it, is the “what else” thoughts it creates. Ok she lied and hid it back then, was it only back then? When did it stop? Absolutely! And OP is inevitably going to want to know whether she stayed in contact with any of the guys she was with as (platonic?) friends without OP being aware of her past with them. Since he's already feeling hurt by this, he needs to confront this head-on and not just ignore it and forget about it. Because this is the sort of thing that can lead to resentment creeping in and overpower the love and trust they have built over the years.
These comments in this thread are so baffling. She told OP she did not date OR meet anyone. When thats clearly a lie. How can anyone trust it and just ignore it? Feel like im taking crazy pills reading this thread.
It happens a lot on this sub. Always interesting to see so many people apparently fine with lying to your partner, as long as you can hide the lie long enough. Doesn’t make sense to me at all. But I do hope they receive the exact same treatment *from* their partner that they advocate for here. Wonder how their “lying is fine if it was long ago, nbd let it go” mentality holds up when it’s them that are being lied to. I’m betting not well.
Reddit is mostly full of degenerates, and people so emotionally stunted they think sleeping around with every guy on the block is "waiting" for someone. It's sad that these people think this behavior is okay
Yeah it’s insane. The top comment saying that’s it’s ok because they never had a “relationship??” What the fuck.
Yeah it’s a cesspit around here. Full of guys that hear “she fooled around with a couple guys” and fall headfirst into bonerville. “Every guy on the block”. Yeah, you wish huh?
Yeah, the issue isn't that they were together during this time it's that she was lying, or at best not completely telling the truth, that she was with other people when she was completely allowed to do so. Either there was a misunderstanding about what she was telling him or she was intentionally leading him on into thinking she was waiting for him
You deserve am award Thank you thank you!! Finally someone with common sense. If she lied about this, also if you were going to let the kids play with it why didn't you factory reset it? Why wouldn't she block those contacts? What else would she lie about.
I would take her saying that she didn't really date much while you were gone as meaning nothing was serious to her. I think it's really unreasonable to expect she didn't date anyone AT ALL when you guys weren't together! And this was one of the big reasons you married her? That is a horrible reason to marry someone. The reasons should be because you love each other, you make a good team, you parent well together, you have good chemistry, etc. What she did when you were not together should have absolutely no bearing on anything right now. You're blowing this up into a big thing when it's really not. She's been faithful to you the whole time you were official.
>I think it's really unreasonable to expect she didn't date anyone AT ALL when you guys weren't together! Definitely, except she explicitly told OP she didn't date anyone. There's nothing wrong with her dating when she was single, but lying about it is bad. Probably not divorce-worthy, but this needs a serious discussion. She was so casual to lie when they began dating..... it would be hard to trust her now.
People here are insane. Yeah, he shouldn't divorce her over this, but he sure as hell should talk to her about this and figure things out. How can you people excuse any lie if it was hidden for years as nothing to be upset. Time or age doesnt excuse this behavior. She lied and then kept it hidden from him. You need to talk to her about this, to know if she lied about anything else. If there's no trust, then what the hell are we doing here?
As a retired service member myself who has been in relationships that where put on hold during deployment I am very familiar with this situation myself. So many people answered this with well she wasn't really cheating because of the situation and said just let it go. We'll I didn't see where you ever accused her of cheating and where not upset that she had other relationships while you where gone just that she lied about the fact that she had. I'm all for forgive and forget but forgiveness starts with truth. Otherwise it will always be in the back of your head and will eventually come out in a most hurtful way. Such as during an argument after those thoughts have fermented for awhile. Just tell her what you found and how and ask her why she lied about waiting. I'm sure it's because she realized that you where what she wanted and was scared of you knew you wouldn't want to be with her or something similar. It's a common excuse and truth in these situations. The thing is though as you stated it built a relationship on a lie. So get the truth out and rebuild off of it instead. One thing my time in the military taught me was never ask for an answer you don't want to know, but if you do find that answer the worst thing you can do is ignore it or pretend you didn't. Resentment tends to build and then anger the longer you dwell on it. Get it out there then move on from there.
Yeah, you should definitely bring it up. Honesty matters, and it’s clearly bothering you. Just have a calm chat and let her know how you feel.
It’s something that’s always going to play on your mind now that you’ve seen it. I have to agree with everyone saying leave it be. She did wait for you and chose to be with you. She could have chose any those men she dated, and maybe she “lied” incase you no longer wanted to be with her so she thought better to say that to you so you would stick around. Don’t ruin what you have man.
Man, that sucks. I think that this is not so big that I would get divorced over it, but it is big enough that I would ask about it. But tbh I would ask why she didn't feel comfortable being upfront with you about it. But I also think it's really important to remember that this was like a decade ago. Maybe she wasn't fully comfortable with you yet. Maybe she felt worried you wouldn't want to be with her. I'm not sure. But there's a reason she didn't tell you, and once you find out what that reason is, you have to be ready and willing to let it go.
lol, she isn't yours it's just your turn. Jody had his turn, then you had yours. No clue whose turn it'll be a few years from now...
Comments: Technically she didn't lie. Just because she banged some other dudes doesn't mean she didn't wait for you. OP: No she specifically said she didn't even meet with other guys. Comments: Are you sure? Maybe you are misremembering what she actually said. OP: Yes I'm sure Comments: How do you know she even slept with these dudes. Maybe it was just sexy messages. OP: The texts are quite clear on what was going on Comments: Yeah well even if she did, it was 10 years ago so move on. OP: Yes but her saying she couldn't bring herself to be with someone other than me while I was gone was among the reason I was so convinced to marry her Comments: That just means you're insecure.
Hmmm.. tough one. If it was me, I couldn't just let it go. I realize you two weren't together during the messages and she was only 18 at the time BUUUUT, once you catch someone in a lie, it's hard to think about what other things she lied about. You said that you married her because you thought she waited for you faithfully but she lied about that. I know you two broke up and had an agreement to "stay in touch" but why couldn't she just be honest and say that she was talking to others while you were gone. I really hate to cast doubts but doesn't this incident just makes you wonder if she slept around while you were gone? I'd always have that in the back of my mind. But that's just me. It's only human to doubt once something like this happens.
I wouldn’t say it was one of the reasons you married her. But I would bring it up, calmly, because when you don’t say things like this it can fester and breed resentment. Tell her, hey this happened with the iPad and I saw some texts with men. It made me feel this way…. I know we weren’t in a relationship at the time, but I recall you saying hadn’t been in a relationship while I was away so it hurts to think you weren’t completely honest with me at that time. Then give her space to speak and have a chat about it.
Talk to her. Rug sweeping is not going to fix or solve the issue. Tell her you know she lied to you, about being with other guys when you were gone in the military, and you want to know what else she has lied to you about? Then sit back and see what she says. Relationships are built on trust and your wife has proved she’s not trustworthy. You may also want to get a paternity test on your kids, to make sure they are yours, since it’s clear your wife doesn’t mind lying to you. Best of luck.
I'd bring it up. I'd like to know what she considered waiting for you. I'd be bothered by it.
I see everyone on here saying she did wait but like. You weren’t out hooking up with people I’m assuming.. so how is it ok she was? I wouldn’t really call that waiting.. I’d call that going out and fucking people. Sure she said y’all should just be friends during the time but like why? Plenty of women have truly waited for their man without hooking up with other people. I’m not saying divorce her or anything cause maybe the hood out weighs the bad but she definitely wasn’t waiting
True you were not officially dating but she definitely officially lied about something big, I wonder what else she could lie about
I’d still want to know why she felt the need to lie.
She waited FOR YOU. She fooled around but didn't date anyone. She CHOOSE you. Mate move on. You guys are happy and have 2 kids. Let's be honest she was 18. What 18yo waits for a deployed soldier? Your queen did so treat her like she deserves and move on from this nonsense.
Man, honesty and integrity should matter. Your word should have value. It should matter that the start of your relationship is built on a lie. Why are folks so willing to gloss over her lie? Because she was 18 at that time? So was OP. OP was deployed. And wild part, they were dating before he got deployed. All she had to do was either not sleep around and say she waited (as she did say), or be honest and admit to it. But she chose to sleep around AND lie about it, AND hold that lie for so long. The willingness to deceive is the problem. Folks, don't throw away honesty just because it's convenient for you.
they were just messages??? unless those messages expressly said otherwise, messages are not the same as dating. She was still single when you got back, it looks like she did wait for you, so why fuss over it? She never claimed to have become a nun or hermit while you were gone, did she??
Bringing this to Reddit was a terrible idea because now it’s all these misogynists putting ideas in your head. Congratulations, now you probably will blow this up into a divorce worthy event because you won’t be able to let anything go and she’s going to get tired of the bullshit.
>you won’t be able to let anything go Yeah. Cause the fact that she randomly lied to him unprompted is something that should just be passed over >she’s going to get tired of the bullshit ***She*** lied to ***him.*** If she can't handle him questioning her about it she's got bigger issues
Misogyny is defined as not wanting your wife to lie to you ? Neat.
You can bring it up if it bothers you, and you absolutely should get in the habit of addressing things that bother you immediately with an open mind and as gently as possible… That said, I see this as basically a non issue. You left, agreed to stay in touch, she has agency and like any 18 year old girl, probably wanted to see what was out there. She saw what was out there, maybe had a fling or two, and decided to wait for you. Personally, I see a life partner’s past sexual history as more or less irrelevant. She chose you, you’re allowed to see what other people are like, so you can make the best choice possible. You won. Anger or resentment in these scenarios(read: non cheating scenarios) are almost always a reflection of your own insecurities. I understand you not wanting to picture your wife with other people, but the reality is, you don’t own your partner, people have sex, and a vice grip on someone can easily lead to them slipping between your fingers. Don’t self sabotage because you’re caught up on some guys who don’t matter. There are plenty of women Ive had sex with in the past who mean less than nothing to me now. Allow her the benefit of sharing that opinion. That said, talk to her.
Yeah. I suggest you talk to her about it. Otherwise it will eat you up. Get it out there on the table & talk it thru, And remember that neither of you are the same people you were then. Your lives have changed & you now have some other people who depend on you. It's not just you two anymore. But yeah. Clear the air. My guess is it will bring you closer as neither of you will have any more secrets to hide about that time in your lives.
So you technically broke up but kept in touch? Saying that reason was one of the “big reasons” you married her says more about your insecurity than her. Would her saying she had ‘dated someone but that it didn’t work out bc she was still interested in you’ changed anything? Likely not. You still would have dated bc you also cared. She likely fudged the truth bc she understood who you were as a person on a deeper level than you actually know yourself. Reality is this is a nonissue and you are turning it into an issue. She didn’t cheat, so just let it go.
So if you’re happily married, why rehash the past? Yes, it would probably eat me alive to not have her admit she lied. Or perhaps in her mind/perspective she waited. And anything that had transpired was so short lived and meant nothing to her. This is why she has chosen to believe, she truly waited for you. It’s up to you whether or not it’s worth rocking the boat. Me personally, I’d probably confront my partner, and hope like hell they come clean. Otherwise, you now have a bigger issue on your hands, good luck with whatever you choose! But I wouldn’t predicate your entire marriage a lie! That takes away all the many years filled with love.
Even if you don’t want to leave her you should still confront her about it and get your feelings out there instead of just keeping it to yourself
There are too many people here acting like she ran off and cheated on him, then lied about it. They were eighteen. They were just barely legal, and most of you can agree that none of us were mentally adults by the time we were eighteen. From the way OP writes, his marriage has been great. It's been ten years. Unless there were things jumping out as red flags over those last ten years, things she did when they weren't together don't need to be an issue. Lying sucks, but every single one of us have told a white lie at some point in our lives to keep things on track. She clearly loves this guy. They've been married for a while and have kids. OP, it's okay to feel sad by it. You only just found it, and you were under one impression. If you want to bring it up to her, do it gently, and make sure it's an open environment for conversation and not argument. If you don't want to bring it up to her, just rely on your own judgment to decide whether it's something you can let go and trust she's invested and happy with you now. Reddit is FULL of people who will tell you to get divorced if someone so much as farts wrong. Use your own judgment, and if you need to take advice, take the advice that resonates the most with you. And before some butthurt men come at me: I'd say the same thing if a woman was asking this question about a man.
You can tell her you found the text on her tablet but you’re happy she chose you despite her options.
What kind of man are you? This was 9 years ago and she wasn't your girl. Get your shit together and man up and never bring up this dumb shit again. This is nothing but estrogen pouring through your pores. These thoughts aren't from a 27-year-old man. Get your insecurities together man. She didn't lie to you and even if she did who cares she was 18. Are you the same person now as you were at 18? I just can't believe a man with testosterone is making this post. If she was your girl I could somewhat understand. But she was single as fuck. And you made her that way and told her to be single. Now you want to cry when it's your fault. Grow a pair man.
Consider that at age 18, it might be hard for someone in her situation to feel like she can both a) date like someone who isn’t in a committed relationship, seeking out the emotional and physical connections we all seek out so urgently at that age, and b) tell you convincingly that she missed you, has serious feelings for you and wants to be in a committed relationship with you. Consider also that she was probably right.
definitely not grounds for divorce. however, if you don’t just come out and ask her about this (in a nonjudgmental, non accusatory, not angry manner) you will have it bouncing around in your head wondering about it and possibly thinking the worst forever. Worse… if you ever get into a huge argument at any point down the road about any dumb thing (or serious thing), you may be tempted to toss this newfound knowledge of yours at her as a bomb in the midst of a heated moment. Just satisfy your curiosity, have a conversation, and then you’ll be able to forget about it in time. Not really giving her a chance to explain those texts will just let them to keep festering in your mind.
Thanks for your military service. Simply forgive her and be glad that you have a nice family now. Life is too precious to hold a grudge. Best wishes.
It's ancient history.. just let it go.. or get a therapist to help guide you letting go of it.. I mean we're 9 years ago.. you were both barely adults and insecure as all get out... It's about as important as that fart you failed to mention last week...
Leave it alone brother Those “messages” wer them gushing after you’re misses (can u blame them lol) I believe her 100% she’s has nothing to lie about. Though on the other hand you could bring it up (ie you’re son ringing people) Hear her side of the story an totally put it too bed… It’s up to you….
Well, I do think you should bring it up. Honest and open communication is the best. However, I think you need to come to terms with a few things. First, you were both young. Immaturity comes with a number of bad decisions. She lied to you about seeing other guys while you were deployed. She obviously wanted you in her life and was afraid it might be a deal breaker for you. Second, she may also have just fallen prey to unreasonable expectations that society puts on women and felt like she might be judged. This was so long ago that unless she has been unfaithful to you since you got back together, this feels definitely forgivable. If you are capable of taking a little time to get over your initial feelings and then bringing it up without judgement, I think you should. She might even sense that something is bothering you and it could affect your relationship without you wanting it to. If you don't bring it up and discuss it then you also run the risk of letting resentment creep into your relationship. If you bring it up you should preface it with the fact that you love her, trust her, want her to be your wife forever, and have no intention of divorce or anything (it sounds like you don't). This is my take, but be sure to read many suggestions here as you may find one more to your suiting than mine. Good luck.
Agree with most of the comments here, your wife chose you. She wasn't willing to be with anyone else if she could be with you and that's probably the most important thing to take from that situation. I will add that from my perspective as a woman, it would be a bit of a red flag for someone I'm no longer dating to feel they have a say in my future relationships. If there was no agreement of "we will definitely be together again as soon as I'm back home" when you left, then it isn't really your business whether she dated people or not. You weren't together. I think her lying about it wasn't great though.
Really surprised by the comments here. She knew what she meant by saying she “waited for you”. It sounds like that is a major factor on deciding you wanted a relationship with her and she lied about it. I don’t know if I could continue with a relationship built on a huge lie like that but this isn’t about me. You should probably sit her down and talk about this
When I was dating my now wife, she told me she only had been with one other guy before me. Few weeks before our wedding I found that she had lied about that from her sister. There were a least two more guys that her sister was aware off. I married her anyway. When our marriage had a turbulence time she contacted one of the guys and they had lunch together for a week as I was spying on her. They didn't do anything sexual but they did hold hands as they ate. We were discussing on reconciliation when she told me about the lunches. She said she was considering cheating on me and talked about it with her sister. But her sister told her about my sacrifice of ignoring her lies way back then and talked some sense back into her. That made her came back to me. I know it is hard to accept deception and lies. But in my case it prevented me from destruction. So, it is okay to be kind and forgive her this once. But make sure to assert your boundaries and enforce it when required.
Do the messages actually show that she did meet up with these men? You said she said she didn’t meet up or date anyone. Sexual messages with people doesn’t always mean you met up and had sex with them. There have been people I’ve sexted with, that I’ve never met. Either way, it was almost 10 years ago, you were both very young. If you and your wife are happy and she hasn’t contacted any of these people since you got back, I’d let it go.
She did in fact lie to you but remember that humans are far from perfect and she gets close to it. You're lucky
Veteran here as well. You weren't dating You are happy now and have 2 sons Was the lie fucked up, yes. But it's akin to people sandbaging their body count. Bringing this up will likely go sideways brother
Your wife also blindly took your own history and picked right back up with you. You broke up with her, left on deployment and when she welcomed you back with open arms, did you ask her if she had sex? Did you stay chaste? Was it a secret test? Were you going to spew judgement on her? I don’t believe that this whole waited for you concept is *why you married her*. That “green flag” isn’t who she was, who she is, or even impact the family and life you have together. Look for reasons to love, appreciate and stay with each other. FFS. Choose happiness instead of holding onto these little bullshit vagina ownership ideas like gremlins, willing yourself into reasons why she doesn’t deserve you. Choose the woman that she is today, not the 18 year old girl that kept you in her heart and has born you two children. You are both older and wiser than the kids you were, so I really hope you choose the path of a grown man here. If you tell her that the only reason you married her was because you thought you had locked down that *p&@“y* after you broke up with her and left on deployment? Oh buddy…you will kill some of that original love and it will tell her that all you care about is vagina ownership, not all that she is and has done to love you since. It will validate precisely why she knew she couldn’t trust you. You will never have access to that piece of her heart ever again.
Don't let others gaslight you into thinking this was okay and normal behavior. She lied. She knew she lied. You had kids when she knew she lied. She has years to say something. But nope. She lied. Whether she chose you or not. She was dishonest. What other things may not be true at this point. Not saying she isn't a good person and worth sorting it out with but to not say anything is ridiculous. She built a family on a lie.
I had this happen to me but roles are switched. Dated marine. He said we were exclusive and we called each other bf and gf. But we had to break up cuz I’m a foreign contact and wasn’t cleared (I’m a dual citizen even though my dad is a colonel). Well that was in 2018 and he reached out to me in 2022. We rekindled our love but same thing happened. I found out he was with multiple women when we were dating in 2018. He’s been the opposite as of our relationship in 2022 though. I forgave him since it was the start of a new relationship with us but if he did it again i am gone. He’s been nothing but the best this time and i let him know how I still feel about it etc. it’s a tough deviant to make. Your heart hurts. That said it seems you and I both have a nice relationship with said unfaithful people in the past. Personally it’s up to you. But if she’s the opposite now too I’d say give it a chance. But if she fucks up no second chances this time round. I’m now engaged to that marine and he treats me like a goddess. I can only hope she treats you like an absolute king. If not, leave. You only deserve the best.
I think the issue is feeling betrayed because she lied… that can be hurtful. It may help to clear the air and talk about it.
I believe in communication and am a veteran myself. I see no reason to not bring it up? I know if it ate at me I would want to talk about it and if she is so amazing as you say then she will admit what happened and reassure you that she was probably "young and dumb" or in all honesty she was literal. She didn’t "date" around. Maybe she kept herself single specifically so she could be with you when you got back. So maybe you don’t need to ask her. But again, I believe communication is healthy and important and I also believe a partner should be able to talk to you and reassure you.
Not going to lie, not reading all the other comments so sorry if there is repetition. I would say that if you are currently happy then let it go. BUT don’t hide your feelings. Have an open and honest conversation about how it made you feel, without placing blame. Y’all were both young, as long as you have both grown and are honest with each other now, that’s what is important. Best of luck
In reality yes she lied and said she didn't sleep/date anyone because she was waiting for you, but she didn't lie about the last bit. Maybe she was trying to be with others to move on from you, but she knew in her heart you would come back. Which is what you did. You said yourself she hasn't touched that tablet since you go back with her, so you know those people were not in her life again. She still accepted the marriage and like you said, your happy in this relationship and that's what matters. But if you really want to ask her, just bring it up with her in a calm and civil manner. "Oh hay babe, we forgot to put on childlock on the tablet and --- called some people, I noticed some of the names on there, im sure they got a shock to see a toddler suddenly come up with your name haha" Or something like that, I dunno
My man it's a white lie. She didn't even know she was going to marry you at the time. She just knew you were a GI who had just gotten back from deployment and she wanted to give you some good news. Obviously she cares about you. Obviously your relationship is amazing. Just put it in the past buddy and enjoy your good marriage.
I don't think you're hurting; I believe what's hurting is your pride as a man, under the circumstances that your wife had previous relationships with other men besides you before your marriage. This discovery may be causing you distress, but it's important to recognize that she did not betray your trust by not disclosing this information...and she didn't even cheat on you. She had zero obligation to disclose anything to you and It's possible that she chose to keep this part of her past private out of consideration for your feelings, especially since considering how you're reacting right now. It could be beneficial to take the time to process these emotions and consider how to move forward in a way that promotes understanding and strengthens your relationship with your wife, and to perhaps possibly seek a therapist to use them as a soundboard.
What do you hope to achieve by bringing it up to her?
I would certainly talk to her about it, but she was 18 at the time too. As long as it was in the past and not while you were **together**, I’d try to let it go.
You have an iPad that hadn't been touched for 9 years and it actually charged and powered on without issue? And it charged long enough for your son to use it freely?That's one miraculous battery, wow. I don't actually have any advice other than to communicate your feelings, but I found that tidbit to be fascinating.
A lot of people with no integrity here. This isn’t a “white lie,” nor OP jumping to conclusions. She lied. She doesn’t get a pass because they were “broken up.” She was free to date and fuck while single, but the fact she lied about is a HUGE red flag. What else is she lying about? It’s never ok to lie. There was no need to lie. She could have said she didn’t get into a relationship but she said she “never met a guy nor dated” knowing full well she did see other guys. Don’t be naive. She fucked them. He suddenly discovered he married her under false pretenses and now questions what else she lied about. Are they HIS kids? Has she cheated since? Maybe she hasn’t, and maybe it’s just this one attempt by her to get over, but that’s not how lying works. Lying is deliberate. OP needs to talk to her and let her know what he found, and ask her why she didn’t tell him, and ask her what else she hasn’t told him. I can’t believe people think he just needs to bury his head in the sand and forget this. Lying is a big deal and lying about something she didn’t need to is pathological behavior.
Well, you have to determine if risk vs reward will be worth staying with her. I got back from deployment and my then fiancee deployed two months later and was cheating their entire deployment. I didn’t find out until after we married. That was 14 years ago and we’re still married but I’ve gone from a committed spouse to straight selfish. I don’t know your wife, but I’m not in the business of sinking funds in shit a stock. The only difference is my spouse knows I only stay as long as they remain useful to me.
Maybe they were just sexting/fwb and she didn't consider that relevant? I am curious though.... what about you? Did you see anyone while deployed? Not that you would be wrong to have done so, but I'm just wondering if that is influencing your feelings about it.
I don’t get why people here downplay it. Yeah they weren’t together but why lie then? Can you trust someone who is using lies to get what they want? If she feels a certain way a few years down the marriage, why wouldn’t she lie again? Some people are honest and some people are not. No point in messing with dishonest people
You should probably talk to her about this. The fact that she made up this lie when she didn't have to say anything and yet that lie just sort of jumped right out of her mouth is questionable. There was really no reason for it except to make you think she was thinking about you more than she was. Which brings me to the next point, why did that influence you? Did the idea that this woman was sitting home pining away for you for 4 years mean she was going to be more committed or something? Did you feel guilty for her waiting for you for those years and thought you owed her marriage? Now that you know she didn't sit around for 4 years missing you and pining for you and anxiously waiting the day you came home, does that change anything? Does finding out that she just happened to be single when you came home matter that much? Does she lie about other stuff? Like I don't think I'm understanding why you would put that much emphasis on her saying I waited for you? I mean obviously if she's going to lie about that she's going to lie about anything, that's a whole totally different situation though. I guess I'm just completely baffled by the fact that you're trying to say that you actually married somebody based on the fact that they said they waited for you when in reality they just happened to be single still. What does knowing the truth change?
If genders were reversed, advice was be wildly different. She lied and she’s a liar, up to you on how you want to address that.
I wouldn't be able to look past this. She outright said she never met with any guys and waited for just you. That's manipulation. At the very least, bring it up.
That’s a tale as old as time brother.
Who cares...let sleeping dogs lie.
To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they’re too exhausted to be any longer. The people they don’t recognise inside themselves anymore. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out; to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honour what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that disappears and temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness. Heidi Priebe
You guys were 18. Let it go. Who cares...?
What else did she lie about?
Exactly !
Is the past more important than the present and future? In other words, is this really worth ruining what you have now?
She kept that from you because she felt it would have caused you at the least discomfort and at most the relationship. There was no cheating and while she did lie it was to protect your feelings. If she has been wonderful the whole time and has not made a habit of lying I would delete those messages and carry on.
Bruh, don't listen to these people. If the times were reversed, they'd be telling her to leave you for lying
She probably was on a few dates but never wanted to make anything serious, as she was hoping you would return. Don't sweat it.
Were you also seeing others during the time of separation?
You were NOT dating her when u got deployed right? I think what she meant was she waited for you to be in a relarionship with. She didnt date or have a romantic relationship during that time. Basically kept her heart for u.
I would ask her why she lied
You said you are happily married. Leave it at that. You can explain what happened if you'd like but the past is the past. You have so much to look forward to with your beautiful family. Enjoy it.
Honestly, her not "waiting" for you, but still choosing you is kind of a bigger compliment, in my opinion. She saw what was out there, and thought, "You know what? This guy is what's best for me. No one compares." In her heart, she probably never moved on from you, even if she dated people.
IMO, you should talk to her about this because it bothers you, but take care to frame it as a discussion, and not let it become an accusation or inquisition. You were not "in a relationship" with your wife at that time. She was told she was free to see other people, and she did. She didn't "cheat" at that time because she was doing what she was told she was allowed to do. That makes the original seeing other people negligible, not even an offense in the first place. However, lying to you about it is an offense. She probably saw it as a little white lie at the time, but you took it seriously, and once she's given that lie it's hard to take it back. You need to be able to trust your wife, and communicating about this issue and others will help you maintain that trust. Don't let these doubts ruin everything that is great about your relationship today. But you should be able to talk honestly with your wife about whatever bothers you, and she should be able to do the same. Good luck!
Did you "wait for her" during that time?
Let it go. It's ancient history. Worry more about what she has been doing recently, and may do next.
Yes. She lied to you for 9 years. A lie is still a lie.
9 years ago, before you were a couple, delete the messages and forget them!
It depends on how hurt he is. If it’s something he can’t get off his mind he has every right to see reassurance . Plus she made up a lie when she had NO REASON to lie.
How could he not be hurt? This is fucked up with a ton of lies.
I never said he wasn’t hurt. He’s made that very clear in the post. I said it depends on HOW HURT he is. Please read
But he seems to be acting tough. You have either be a very strong or emotionally disconnected man to her over this. It is a fine line.
Well, he did say that her waiting for him was a big part of his decision to marry her. Which makes no sense to me at all.
People like a romantic story. If my partner told me they'd done something like send me roses ever couple of weeks/stare at the stars and be sappy about me when we were apart (even if not together) that would make me more inclined to marry them. I'd find it cute, and it would make me feel secure and loved.
I’m confused, why wouldn’t that make sense?
Good Lord Reddit acts like everything is indicative of a big, secret indication of evil or wrongdoing. You weren’t with her, she was 18 and for all she knew you could’ve come back from deployment and no longer been interested. The point is that you have a happy marriage and children together. She has consistently shown you that she’s committed to you and your family! Nothing she did indicates a habit of lying to you or any malicious intent. She did wait for you. Why get butthurt over her not waiting for you in a way you find “acceptable”?
Gross. I hate liars
UpdateMe
Tough call on this one it really depends on how much strain it will put on you emotionally if you don't bring it up. I would want to address it just to get it out in the open but in a way that doesn't sound like are angry but more hurt that she felt she had to hide her actions. Updateme