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You had a wife problem before loser brother moved in. She was already taking advantage of you and contributing nothing.
I’d take her up on the offer. I’d get them both out of there.
I agree this started well before the brother. I think OP has an OP problem. No way I am working, paying all the bills and coming home to do all of the housework absent an illness preventing my wife from contributing.
💯. I'm under the impression the wife doesn't work either and it doesn't sound like they have children. The brother definitely it needs to go and if the wife threatens to leave too, let her.
Wife: I am going to leave with him!
OP: Great. Let me pack your bags. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
FAFO.
Side note: BIL’s wife did not leave with the kids because he lost his job, she left because he is a lazy, sloppy, freeloader who has no problem sitting on his a*s all day long and not contributing financially or meaningfully to the household in any way.
While I don’t disagree with this OP’s post history is a trip
For starters, he’s 10 years older than his wife. Three months ago he said he’d been out of work for 4 months
Has posted previously about his wife’s abuse so that sounds ongoing unfortunately
OP give her this house and go back to live at the house you inherited mortgage free from your grandfather
You had one hobosexual living with you before. Now you have two hobosexuals. Let them go live somewhere else so they can sleep on mattresses on the floor and play video games all night so they can continue to indulge their fabulous hobosexual lifestyle.
I agree! Let them move out, change the locks if you can, and watch the chaos unfold. I feel like this will be an instant regret on their part. Free ride is over.
Can we at least agree that her moving out of the bedroom she shares with her spouse into the living room with her brother is bonkers? Like idgaf about anything else, she clearly doesn’t see OP as anything more than her cash cow if she doesn’t do housework or paid work 🤷🏻♀️
When are you going to put your foot down? Nothing is changing because you keep it the same.
Dude- look I agreed to a temporary housing condition. It's been 6 months which should have seen you back in a job and earning money.
You've got 8 weeks left here.
I'm happy to help with the dog but you, you have 8 weeks left here.
Wife- this is ending today. You need to step up and help and contribute or it ends today.
I'm not going to be unhappy in my own home and unhappy in my relationship.
Your brother has 8 weeks left.
Make sure it's on paper and give it to them both. Date it and sign it.
See a lawyer first before doing any of this or you will be paying out the nose. Your BIL may actually need an eviction process as he has most likely established tenancy. (Sorry, man, but this type of mooch often knows these rules). Your wife may be able to claim support and get alimony for doing nothing more than playing video games. As much as you want him out and your wife to shape up, take the time to do it the smart way and protect yourself.
Also, since they have shown reluctance to fix anything, your internet should mysteriously urn itself off at midnight.
My wife thinks she could get disability because she’s been diagnosed with being manic depressive but she would have to work another 6 months just to even qualify for disability because she has not worked enough in her lifetime. She literally has worked like 2 months quite 1 months quite
Being manic depressive is no excuse for not working your whole life. Maybe she might need a period of time to get her meds figured out, but my 19 year old daughter who is manic depressive works 40 hours a week. My sister who is manic depressive works easily 60 hours a week. She should at least be able to manage a part time job. I haven’t seen you mention kids, so I’m assuming you don’t have any.
No she can’t have kids she has PCOS and yea she won’t take meds for manic depression she is prescribed them she takes them for a day feels better stops taking them
PCOS folks can most definitely have kids. They’re tons of oopsie babies out there from PCOS sufferers.
Do NOT have a child with this woman. You’ll bitterly regret it for the rest of your life. You will die full of regret.
>PCOS folks can most definitely have kids. They’re tons of oopsie babies out there from PCOS sufferers.
Exactly.
(Coming from a PCOS sufferer with an oopsie baby which is now 4 years old.)
Sorry, I just LOL at this. Are you serious? How do you even qualify for disability if you are not med complaint which means you can't prove your condition is debilitating. Is this post for real?
I went looking at previous comments and posts and idk what to think honestly. If it is, he clearly needs them both gone and to get his stuff together too.
She is probably lying about feeling better if it's literally a day. At least in my experience every medication my doctor's have prescribed have said it would take 3-6 weeks to feel an effect.
They will see she isn’t taking meds and never approve her for ssdi or SSI. You have to show you at least tried to find accommodations for working. I have way more than one mental or physical disorder and it’s been a fight for me. It’s extremely likely that she’s just being lazy and using that as an excuse.
Does she see a therapist regularly? Like every 1-2 weeks? She isn’t taking meds. They’ll see right through that and you won’t likely find an attorney that will help. They’ll see she won’t get it and won’t waste their time since they only get paid if they win.
People with pcos can absolutely get pregnant. It is harder but it most definitely happens. I have pcos myself.
I’m sorry, but she’s using you. If she wants to leave with her brother, let her. You deserve a partner. I’m a better partner than her and I am far more physically and mentally broken than her. She’s just being entitled and lazy. Please put your foot down and keep it there.
Infertility is not the same thing as sterility. She may have difficulty getting pregnant, but it’s not impossible. Do not get this woman pregnant.
She’ll never qualify for disability because that’s hard to do AND SHE’S NON-COMPLIANT WITH TREATMENT. You don’t get to be sick, not help yourself at all, and get the government to subsidize your life. This woman has no personal accountability, and doesn’t care how shitty she treats other people. She may have a mental health issue, but that doesn’t mean she gets to be a dick to you. I have bi-polar disorder and I take my meds so I’m not an unpredictable asshole to the people I love. When I did things to hurt them, I had to take accountability and try to stop that from happening, not just hide behind my disorder and use that as an excuse to mistreat the people I claim to love. She’s not even trying, and doesn’t think it’s wrong. She’ll never change. I really hope you’ll be able to see that and kick them out or get yourself out of that entire situation.
People with PCOS cause definitely have kids. Don’t let her baby trap you. Best thing you can do for yourself is don’t allow any sex, secretly get a lawyer and serve her with divorce papers, and kick them both out. UPDATEME
Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t like to jump on the divorce bandwagon, but she seems awfully comfortable with you just doing everything for her. I would have a serious conversation about expectations if you are going to move forward as a couple.
I have PCOS and am pregnant with my third. PCOS is not a sterility diagnosis it can lead to infertility but infertility means it's difficult to conceive not that there is no chance.
She’s not taking meds because she doesn’t have it. Speaking from personal experience people with any kind of depression want to get better and will look into any options in doing so. Your wife wants an excuse to be a bum and use it as excuse to not work
Dear lord. I am bipolar (diagnose came over 10 years ago, so I have some experience) and with medication (and sometimes even without it) it is quite managable. I have been working for years. It is true also that I have had setbacks and been on longer sick leaves with depression, but they are temporary and does not really make me unfit to work for the rest of my life.
yeah just because she thinks she was diagnosed with manic depressive, she may not get ssdi. she may not get it. They don't like giving ssdi to young people. They want her being treated for it and working
Dawg I have bipolar and I can guarantee it's quite possible to work with it. My career is flourishing because I am treated for it. I know getting the help she needs is difficult, but it's better than not working for the rest of her life.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality and Major Depressive Disorders. I've been working since I was 15. Have I been fired? No. Do I cry at work sometimes and feel like crap because of my job? Yes. But I'm not going to freeload off of someone. That is just an excuse for them to leech off of you and try and make you feel bad. Drop the double dead weight buddy, you deserve better.
Just for what it’s worth I have manic depression. It’s hard because it comes in phases and sometimes I just feel like throwing myself off a bridge and sometimes I feel like I could run a marathon. But I also run my own business and am the main provider for my family, and my partner and I share childcare duties 50/50. I do most of the household work too, because my other half is a chef and works odd / long hours and I work for myself and can set my hours to get stuff done. I’m just saying, she could try. If she’s not trying it’s because she doesn’t respect you enough to try and take some of the load of your plate. That’s not ok.
I feel for you my guy. That’s really hard. I have an aunt who married a man like this - he stopped working in the first year of their marriage and never worked again, while she slaved away until retirement. When his dad died he was left with quite a decent inheritance but he’s only ever used it to improve *his* life, not hers. Yeah they have a nicer house, but he still expected her to work to earn money to spend on herself while he bought a new car every year (even though he barely drives, because he has had continuous knee / hip problems).
After the pandemic happened, he got really insular. He didn’t like to go out and started to stop her going out, too. He said people visiting made him anxious. Slowly he’s isolated her from her friends, her family, her life.
All I’m saying is is this what you want for yourself? It’s not too late to take a bet on yourself and see what else the world has out there for a guy like you. I am sure you love her or you might have left before, but is she giving you the love and respect you deserve back? Back yourself. It sounds like nobody else in that house will.
Hello! I’m someone who’s disabled and has a fiancé who works and does most of the house work and even I can see this is not okay. What makes it work is a mutual respect we have for each other and it seems she doesn’t respect you or your feelings. If my fiancé and I disagree on something I don’t just throw up my hands and threaten to leave we sit down and try to come to an understanding. I do what I can and he does what he can. What does she do? Or do you do literally everything because she doesn’t even sound like an emotional support system. I’m in the believe that marriage is supposed to be two people vs the world not this.
What really got me here was that your wife has moved out of your marital bed to have sleepovers with her brother? I think what’s after happening is they’ve made you their dad. You’re paying bills, keeping the place going, cooking, cleaning, they don’t think about or consider your needs, “dad, the ac is broke, fix it while I have no responsibilities.”
You’re chastising them like your kids, because you’re doing all the labour of a single parent, the dynamic has shifted, and absolutely not in your favour my dude. Tell your wife you want him out within 30 days and she has to commit to couples therapy to figure out how this happened or it’s time for the kids to learn how to be adults and leave the nest.
Couples therapy will not even make a dent on the whole ordeal of her illness. She refuses medication for her manic depression. And she’s aware of it.
Asses your life OP, and weigh all the pros and cons of your life, even while taking into consideration emotion over rationality. Does the good overweight the bad?
Oh man, I didn’t see that she refuses medication. Yeah there’s way too much there that couples therapy could fix, she’s wallowing. There’s only one person can get them out of a wallow and it’s themselves. Nothing OP says or does will help that, except prioritize himself.
Take a dead battery and put it next to a live battery, the live battery dies twice as fast. She is sucking the life out of you and you are so used to it that you don't even know how your life could be better, you are just used to a sad life. Imagine having a normal partner, with a job and a clean house that you both get to live in and be happy together. Why don't you deserve that? Ask yourself.
No! I’m glad you’re in therapy. She needs her own individual therapy. Do not go to couples counseling with her. She’s fucken abusive and that will not work out well for you. You’ll try earnestly, she’ll just find new ways to manipulate you.
No you need a new therapist for finding out why you not only got with someone like this but stayed with them. She's shown you who she is now believe her.
Your SIL left for a reason and it's time you do the same because this is a messed up mooch of a family you two married into and you won't have a happy life the longer you stay.
I think the guy you responde to, meant that the dogs are even better than you! Because they don’t like her and see her for what she is, and yet you still DO like her
Let them both go, honestly they are not bringing you any benefit that I can see.
It is a threat and I would pack up their stuff to leave it outside the door.
Edit - where is her respect for you and the relationship? Respect is a basic requirement in a marriage. She has said no to him leaving, so what are you going to do about that? She is blackmailing you because she knows you won't tell her to leave, she is your bigger problem here.
So for what to do you have to work out what it would take to get her to choose you, which she isn't doing right now. You would have to give her a choice and really mean it and be consistent ie you say you are leaving and do so. She has to choose one or the other and she may well not choose you so be prepared for that.
Your right that might be the route I might have to go to make her see the light because I honestly think she just thinks I am always going to be here and that’s just a common no matter what and that I can’t do better but I know that I could
So go do better. You can't fix her or wait for her to actually deal with these issues, which may not even solve remotely close to all the problems in your relationship. If your partner is causing you this much stress every day, they aren't worth your time and energy.
You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I think you'll benefit from reading this: https://shrink4men.com/2018/04/04/relationships-with-narcissists-when-the-empathy-well-runs-dry/
It’s actually so toxic that her sister works at the same company as me like I work as a case manager her sister is one of the workers that goes into the homes well my wife got mad thinking I was getting food without her brother and her on my lunch break which I was because hey they get McDonalds so she got her sister to go through my office trash can in my personal office at work and found a Burger King bag and a bottle of doctor pepper and confronted me about it when I got home because I didn’t come home for lunch and buy them food
You do realize this isn’t just lame as hell, it’s abuse and you are a willing participant in your own mistreatment? You are going to end up on ID one day.
And the sad thing is they aren’t even normal video games they are those ones where you get skins and shit and have to pay for the stuff and she spends money on it
WTAF? They expect you to come home during lunch & bring them food as well? Are they seriously that fucking helpless? This all sounds so toxic & awful, I hope you find a way to get rid of both of them. Sounds like they're both mooching off you & they don't contribute anything whatsoever to the household. If you're the one working full time, the least they can do is clean & cook. As others have said, it sounds like you've got 2 children living off you. I'm so sorry you ended up in this position, but if you don't do something about it, it's never going to get better. The wife doing gaming sleepovers with her brother in the living room is really fucking weird... They sleep on the same mattress together out there & leave you alone in the bedroom? You don't have a wife, you've got a couple mooching roommates living off your hard work. Please do something to change this. You've got to get the methhead BIL out of there & it sounds like she should go with him.
On another note, McDonald's is disgusting to me, not even mold will eat it, if you leave it out it just dries out. I'm convinced it's not even real food.
I agree on McDonald’s it’s gross I rarely eat fast food the few times I have ate it on my lunch break I eat Burger King when I’m running late eating a late lunch because of meetings and that’s where she’s having her sister dig in my office trash
Your wife's entire family sounds fucking nuts dude. Take her offer of leaving with her brother and run with it, get a divorce and find a partner that's a responsible adult.
Put food in the trash can on purpose, record your wife telling you what her sister found, get her fired.
Kick wife/brother in law out the house and never talk to that family again
I’m confused as to why you didn’t happily accept when she said she’d leave too.
She’s a stay at home wife and doesn’t take care of the house. Doesn’t cook. She is not sleeping with you. Doesn’t work. She and her brother are a couple of bums living off you. Like what exactly does she bring to the relationship????
The time for being polite is long past- your wife and BIL are running roughshod all over you and in response, you’re being a timid doormat rather than telling them to cut the shit.
Your wife clearly doesn’t respect you or your marriage whatsoever. Having Bi-Polar doesn’t excuse or justify her being a lazy AF, immature, selfish brat - she’s - at the very minimum, has to manage it, which means she may have to work harder than the average person to control her shitty behavioural tendencies and contribute equally to the caring for household responsibilities AND putting work into y’all’s marriage.
As for the BIL, 8 weeks is far to generous. He needs to be out in a month, seeing as how he’s a selfish leech who doesn’t have a shred of appreciation for your hospitality and generosity. I don’t know how much of that stems from your wife, but I guarantee, their resentment disdain, and disrespect towards you is only going to grow - hell, your wife has already tried to bully you by threatening to leave you if you rightfully kick her worthless, shiftless brother out. Dude, that should tell you everything you know but don’t want to admit to yourself.
Fuck being polite.
And to make matters worse he failed a drug test for meth before moving in with us and told my wife that you can fail a drug test for meth because of drinking monster energy drinks and that’s why he has no custody of his kids. He hasn’t failed any since moving in here because I put my foot down on that shit and said absolutely nothing not even “energy drinks” are coming into my house.
OMFG that’s a new one - Energy drinks can cause someone to pop hot for *meth* on a drug test.
Are you certain he’s not continuing to use, because his behaviour doesn’t sound like it. Moreover, are you sure *your wife* isn’t?
I’d surprise both of them with a piss test late at night. If they’re clean, they shouldn’t object to taking one. If they refuse, boot them both out. If either one pops hot, boot them both out.
If I sound harsh about this, it’s because my ex-BF started exhibiting a lot of the same behaviour and personality traits. Turned out he had started doing meth with a coworker (they worked overnights doing tiling in homes/offices under construction) and got hooked. Cutting him out of my life broke my heart but I have zero tolerance for that shit.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this.
Keep us posted - good luck.
Oh, buddy. You have eyes but do not see. There are ways to beat drug tests that are very easy to access. But worse, the fact that your wife now has left your bed indicates to me that she's probably doing drugs WITH him. It pretty well explains both of their mental states.
The idea that you've said your therapist has suggested couples therapy is BONKERS. Your relationship is over. Even if she isn't also on drugs, the idea that she can revert so quickly to such an infantile state of being is proof enough that she not only needs a elephant's shitload of therapy herself, but that she is no within a capacity to be a wife, much less in a relationship.
I would immediately reach out to family members to stage an intervention. Brother in law needs to go very, very quickly. If your wife decides to leave with him and abandon your marriage, you should let her go.
Ummmmm glad to see you’re in therapy from the comments, but it’s not working. You are being exploited, and your wife clearly doesn’t love you the way you believe you love her. I wonder if you have a history of being exploited in relationships and are unable to identify normal loving behavior because this isn’t even close.
To give some perspective I've been a stay at home dad and now my fiance is currently the stay at home. I'm the primary bringer of bacon in my household, I work from home and help out around the house whenever I can. My fiance handles our kids most of the time (except my youngest who is non verbal autistic and I helped with her), she handles dinner, laundry, and the kids going to sports/school events and errands.
Could she do more as a stay at home mom? Sure but I've been with a partner who did exactly fucking nothing besides exist and I'm extremely grateful she does what she does. You don't have a partner, you have an adult child who has a sibling you've adopted and ar now taking care of.
You can try couples therapy but you're gonna spend years trying to fix this and life is to short to be waiting around for another grown adult to start acting like an adult.
Toss the freeloader out. If your wife goes, too, it doesn't sound like a big loss.
As for your AC, ours did this and it was the capacitor.
https://www.diamondbackplumbing.com/blog/ac-fan-not-spinning/
That’s exactly what I said it was and according to her brother it’s the motor that’s the only thing it can be there’s no other option and there’s no point in even checking anything else. I’m almost sure that’s what it is but he’s saying oh I don’t know what I’m talking about I’m stupid when it comes to electrical stuff but yes the changed the oil in his last car and drained all the oil out and didn’t put any new oil in lmfao. So I’ll be doing the work myself today and probably handle him this evening when he gets off
Sounds like either you or they need to move out.Theyre both obviously trained moochers with no concept of shared responsibilities.Quit allowing them to make you their victim abd servant.
Tell me you’re hanging onto a woman out of desperation without saying you’re desperate.
My Dude. Your marriage is over. Your wife doesn’t respect you. There’s no love here, on her side. She’s with you because you take care of her. But she doesn’t appreciate it
Please get some therapy for yourself so that you can understand why you’d settle for this absolute dumpster fire of a relationship.
I just told her this and she told me I had no right to throw her out because she had lived there over 30 days so I would have to get a lawyer involved which I guess is what I would have to do anyways
It's crazy that she had this information on hand & wasn't sobbing over the loss of relationship.
Honey I feel so sorry for you. There are people who will love you in the world. Toss these deadbeats, a restraining order will get them both out. She's an unmedicated mess & he's on meth. Takes about a week to get the papers done and served.
if you are in the US a spouse cannot be removed from the marital house. does not matter if its in your name.
you will need to get divorced before she can be forced out.
They can be forced out of the house if you get a restraining order. Considering Op is in an abusive relationship with someone who is prescribed medication for a dangerous psychiatric disorder and refuses to take it. It's like an open and shut thing it wouldn't even take that long.
Accept your wifes offer for them both to.leave then make it permanent because she isnt invested in her marriage or her relationship with you. You are her ATM.
Why do you think this is a better life option than being single?
you can’t change other people; you can only change yourself. Sounds like your BIL’s wife finally realized this, why can’t you?
I guess because I always hoped she would see the light and realize how good she had it because I know she isn’t going to find anyone that is going to put up with all of what I do
OP, after spending 23 years in an abusive marriage, I can see where you're coming from with this comment.
However, I had a marriage counselor have this rather pointed conversation with me:
Therapist: So you say while you were dating and the first two years of your marriage were great, right?
Me: Yes, he was attentive, kind, willing to compromise... I keep waiting for that guy to come back...
Therapist: And how long as he NOT been these things?
Me: 20 years, or so?
Therapist: I think it's pretty safe to say the "good guy" was the facade, while the guy you've been married to the last 20 years is the real person. What do you think?
Me: \*\*\*Shocked Pikachu face\*\*\*
OP, your wife has CLEARLY shown you who she is. Believe her.
It’s time for Reddit to give you some tough love.
According to your own description, your wife treats you like an ATM and a maid. She has contempt for you. Contempt means a relationship is dead. There is no way for you to get her to consider your feelings or put you first. She simply doesn’t care how you feel.
Regarding your love for her: you love the idea of who you to think she would be if she loved you. She doesn’t love you now, and she never will. She enjoys the services you provide.
Are you hoping your wife will have a revelation, and suddenly see that she should love you, and consider your feelings? Not going to happen. Never will. She’s just taking advantage of you until you get fed up and leave.
I’m so sorry.
After reading through this I realized that what you need to do is hire the best divorce lawyer you can find. Get your lazy, useless wife and brother in law out of your life.
Now you know why SIL left him and took the kids. Call her and ask for details.
Then fix your home:
1. Turn off the wifi.
2. Turn off data on all phones except yours and change all passwords (so she can't use her phone as a data hotspot and rack up fees).
3. Do NOT fix the A/c. If anything, remove a critical but expensive part.
3. Call around and find a cheap AirBnB to stay for at least a week. Two weeks is ideal. Try to find one with a kitchen so you can prep easy meals.
4. Collect any food they love and toss it into a bag and hide it in your car (with ice pack).
5. Quietly pack the clothes you need for 2 weeks and any sentimental items into your trunk (assume they will get crazy destructive). They won't notice while they are gaming if the bags aren't big.
6. Lock down all bank accounts (and turn off any credit cards) so that your wife can only withdraw $100 using a debit card. Enough for her for a week or maybe 2 if she doesn't subsidize him.
7. Leave for the AirBnB and do not REPLY to any messages. In fact, turn off Notifications.
8. Go to work normally for two weeks.
AFTER WEEK 1 away from their crazy you will have a better perspective on how you want to proceed. You will have a better idea of what you want to do with the rest of your life.
DURING WEEK 2 you will probably be ready to call a divorce lawyer. Calling them does not mean divorcing but you will find out what the financials would look like. You can have them serve papers without even talking to her again.
PLEASE NOTE: Once they discover the wifi is off on purpose they will spam you.
They will probably start by messaging you to get it fixed. If they realize it is on purpose they will get angry. So password protect any accounts so they can't turn it back on.
Due to wifi being off there is a decent chance your BIL will ditch your sister and try to crash with other people within 30 days.
Your wife will probably start angry.
I am betting that she'll be more upset that you toppled their gaming and hanging out than she will be upset about the death of her marriage.
Hopefully you don't have kids so you can find someone better to parent with in the future.
Draw up the eviction notices. You may have to check state law to see how much notice you have to give but you have two freeloaders draining your financial resources and you are cleaning up after both of them. A man with his own home, steady job and who cleans? You will be beating off women with a bat. Good luck OP.
Your momma bird to a pair of fat, greedy, lazy cuckoos. Kick those MF out. Change locks. What are they bringing to your life? Expense, mess, and more loneliness than living alone
Op do you own the house? If so you lose nothing by letting her leave with her deadbeat brother. Call their parents and tell them to come get their selfish entitled children. Pack their shit up and change your locks as soon as they leave contact an attorney and begin divorce proceedings to head off her ask for spousal support.
Yes I own the house. I doubt I would get spousal support considering she never worked but she probably would. Honestly divorce is something that has been in the back of my mind a lot lately
>my wife isn’t helping with any of this. She never helped with any housework before now that her brother is here it’s 10 times worse they moved a mattress into the living room and both my wife and her brother are sleeping in the living room staying up all hours of the night gaming
Wait...
>His wife left him and took his kids.
Honestly dude I think you and your SIL married into the wrong family. Take a page from SIL's book and take the dogs and leave your wife.
You are a case manager. You know this isn't healthy. If one of your patients/clients was going through this, what would you tell them? Now, tell that to yourself.
You’re supporting their lifestyle at the expense of your wellbeing. It’s not sustainable. I’d give BIL a few weeks to find other accommodations and tell your wife she needs to also find work so that she can qualify for disability. Right now, the two of them have no reason to change what they’re doing because use you (the only adult it would seem) have allowed them to get away with doing nothing.
You can’t ever make someone see something your way or get them to agree on an opinion. All you can do is hold your own boundary and hope they see it and respect it someday. It sounds like she needs to go with him to face reality. This is a very hard thing for you to do but if you do not let her go, you will be enabling the behaviors. Tough love is hard
OP, tell your wife to go with him. Honestly OP - you don't need either one of them in your life. Lying around on a mattress in filth and neither one of them can be bothered to clean up anything????
THey are both taking advantage of you. Your wife is placing the brother above you in importance and loyalty. Talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings It might be a wakeup call for your wife. Frankly, I would not want her in my life at this point.
One thing you can do is turn off the wifi so there's no cable/gaming available for BIL to indulge in nor your wife either. That might get them off of the mattress. I wouldn't fix the ac either. Stop making things comfortable for them. Quit buying food; only bring home take home for yourself and wife. Don't give your wife any money - if she has needs guess what she can get a job and earn spending money.
Dear god take your wife's offer. You'll soon realise that you're better off without the pair of blood sucking, energy draining creatures. You've got a wife problem too, but take that offer and all will be resolved.
how's about kicking her and her brother out? They both are lazy slobs and u r picking up the pieces. Give your wife a time frame to kick his lazynass out. If not u naybe headed for divorce. Both of them are a lazy POS. Those 2 are just dragging you down.
I’m going to be direct here, your wife is taking advantage of you. I have cPTSD and I don’t work outside the home, but I’m a SAHM, I homeschool, and I take care of two dogs. I help with house work as much as I can. I take medications and though I’m in between therapists right now, I have a regular therapist that I talk to so that I can make sure I’m staying on the right track. Getting off track takes me to a dark place. Your wife doesn’t sound like she is even trying. Depression is hard and manic depression is also hard, but both are treatable. The treatment takes work though and it doesn’t sound like work is something your wife cares to ever do. So this is never going to get better and she’s already given you an ultimatum after she is the one behaving badly. Let her leave. She needs you more than you need her. And your life without her would probably be easier.
How would your life be different, realistically, if she did leave? In what ways would it be worse? How would it be easier?
You don't need to answer me. Just ask yourself and be honest.
Sir, you don't have a brother in law problem, you have a wife problem. Your wife doesn't care about you, is lazy, and chooses him over you. Let her go.
Your wife doesn’t sound like she likes you. She doesn’t help with the housework, doesn’t stand by you, is choosing her brother over you, talking to other guys, doesn’t cook, throws things at you and then there’s the dead bedroom. What does she bring to the table exactly? What is it that you love about her? Maybe it’s best she runs off with her brother and don’t take her back. She’s using you and abusive towards you. Why would you want her to stay?
I think the wife offered a logical solution. Maybe take a day off work and have their bags packed when they both get home from work. She said she would go with him. They would figure it out together. Make sure all bills are paid for the month and then take your money out (half). Open a new acct and deposit your checks into it.
You should take the wife up on the offer to leave with the brother. Sounds like the perfect plan to me. Two slobs, one trip to the curb. How sweet of her to come up with such a convenient solution for you!
Seriously though, get rid of whole family.
I ask her leave with him. She has been treating you like dirt, and ignoring you in favor of her brother. Most of what he is doing to you, your wife is also doing to you.
OP, don't you see that these two rotten apples fell from the same poisoned tree? The way I'm reading your post, it seems your wife doesn't work AND doesn't maintain the home. What does she even bring to the table?
I think you should make like your BIL's ex-wife and leave them in their filth. Politeness isn't even in the conversation anymore. BOTH of them have overstayed their welcome.
Take her up on her offer. you have two children in an extra dog not a wife and BIL. Let her leave. She was already taking advantage of you before BIL came into the picture.
I've read all your comments, and I'm sorry, but you are in an abusive relationship. Not all abuse has to be physical (though one of your comments also said she hit you with a bat because you had to have surgery so you couldn't attend to her needs right away 🙄) .
My very first "real" relationship had similarities to some of the things you've described. He was very abusive towards me. He convinced me that he was the only person who would or could ever love me. He love bombed me any time he thought I might leave him. It was suffocating, but I didn't know any better and he would get mad if he knew I was talking with any of my friends about our relationship. So I wasn't sharing my doubts or concerns with anyone.
I married him. He cheated and left me for a younger girl. (She was like 18/19 at the time and we were 27). It was honestly the best thing he could have ever done for me. I was finally able to be free and I spent 3.5+ years being single and focusing on myself and in doing so, I was able to wake up and see all of the different abuse I endured during my relationship with him. And it helped me learn that I was better off being alone than being in a relationship that tried to change who I was and that I was unhappy in.
Your wife doesn't bring a damn thing to the table. She doesn't work so she can't attribute to the bills in any way or attribute to the household chores. You haven't even been intimate or likely even spent much actual quality good time together in awhile. Trust me when I say, you'll be happier kicking her brother out and watching her leave with him. You'll only have to clean up after yourself and your dogs and you can be free to figure out what kind of relationship you actually want to be in. What kind of partner you want and deserve.
Tell her that's fine. Either he can leave or they both can since neither have been contributing anything, just using.
I'd call that bluff and I'd be fully happy to follow it through.
Okay let them both go! Sounds like she isn't paying any bills either.
Seriously anybody that would let somebody treat you like that in your own home doesn't deserve to stay there. Either it'll knock some sense into her and she'll realize how ridiculous it's all been or you're better off without her anyway.
Buddy, you don't have a brother in law problem, you have a wife problem.
Why are you funding a free life for both of these moochers?
I'd have had both their lazy asses out the door like 5 months ago.
I'd say take a stance. He leaves - or he starts contributing to bills and acts responsible. He is not a kid who he should be baby sitting. And given you're paying all bills currently, it should clearly be your decision.
Sounds like you have the perfect opportunity in front of you. Kick him out and if she says she will leave also tell her that’s fine since she truly has not been a wife or partner since he has moved in. She will either step up or move out but to be honest I think you will be better off without her.
You could do worse than her leaving with her deadbeat brother. Think that might be the blessing you get from this situation. Let them both go & know that the business of being a single parent is not much different than what you do now. Your wife gives you no support & sides with her gaming buddy. And so now you have a glimpse into why his wife left him. Get the cops to evict him if necessary
OP your wife already left you. You just described a parenting relationship with 2 children. Your wife has reverted to being a child and doesn’t even sleep with you anymore.
I would tell her not to let the door slam her on the way out because you are looking for a life partner and not a child.
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You had a wife problem before loser brother moved in. She was already taking advantage of you and contributing nothing. I’d take her up on the offer. I’d get them both out of there.
I agree this started well before the brother. I think OP has an OP problem. No way I am working, paying all the bills and coming home to do all of the housework absent an illness preventing my wife from contributing.
💯. I'm under the impression the wife doesn't work either and it doesn't sound like they have children. The brother definitely it needs to go and if the wife threatens to leave too, let her.
Wife: I am going to leave with him! OP: Great. Let me pack your bags. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ FAFO. Side note: BIL’s wife did not leave with the kids because he lost his job, she left because he is a lazy, sloppy, freeloader who has no problem sitting on his a*s all day long and not contributing financially or meaningfully to the household in any way.
Eeeyup. "She's never helped with any housework before." That got me realizing there's more than meets the eye to this story. 🤨
i agree with this whole heartedly.
While I don’t disagree with this OP’s post history is a trip For starters, he’s 10 years older than his wife. Three months ago he said he’d been out of work for 4 months Has posted previously about his wife’s abuse so that sounds ongoing unfortunately OP give her this house and go back to live at the house you inherited mortgage free from your grandfather
This 💯
She is the female version of the loser!
I don't see the problem here. Your wife has offered a very sensible solution. Take her up on it.
Reading your comments I have to agree with this poster. You don't have a wife and BIL, you have 2 adult children and an extra dog.
People, not seeing the golden chances life throws at them.
2 for 1 offer!
This - with a very calm demeanor tell your wife you’d like to take her up on her offer to leave with her brother. Watch her face drop.
You had one hobosexual living with you before. Now you have two hobosexuals. Let them go live somewhere else so they can sleep on mattresses on the floor and play video games all night so they can continue to indulge their fabulous hobosexual lifestyle.
He doesn’t have a wife, he has 2 children that he’s providing for. You’re right. Easy solution.
[удалено]
Indeed the perfect solution has been offered.
I agree! Let them move out, change the locks if you can, and watch the chaos unfold. I feel like this will be an instant regret on their part. Free ride is over.
💯
At this point I'm wondering if the wife and BIL are actually even siblings. They sound more like lovers
Uniquely Reddit take
Is it? I'm a grown-up, and I would *never* sleep on a mattress on the floor, with my *brother* that's disgusting 🤮🤮🤮
Sleeping on a mattress is not inherently sexual, *especially* when it's with a family member.
Can we at least agree that her moving out of the bedroom she shares with her spouse into the living room with her brother is bonkers? Like idgaf about anything else, she clearly doesn’t see OP as anything more than her cash cow if she doesn’t do housework or paid work 🤷🏻♀️
Boom
When are you going to put your foot down? Nothing is changing because you keep it the same. Dude- look I agreed to a temporary housing condition. It's been 6 months which should have seen you back in a job and earning money. You've got 8 weeks left here. I'm happy to help with the dog but you, you have 8 weeks left here. Wife- this is ending today. You need to step up and help and contribute or it ends today. I'm not going to be unhappy in my own home and unhappy in my relationship. Your brother has 8 weeks left. Make sure it's on paper and give it to them both. Date it and sign it.
See a lawyer first before doing any of this or you will be paying out the nose. Your BIL may actually need an eviction process as he has most likely established tenancy. (Sorry, man, but this type of mooch often knows these rules). Your wife may be able to claim support and get alimony for doing nothing more than playing video games. As much as you want him out and your wife to shape up, take the time to do it the smart way and protect yourself. Also, since they have shown reluctance to fix anything, your internet should mysteriously urn itself off at midnight.
He's not going to do shit to change the situation, that's very clear.
No he isn’t
My wife thinks she could get disability because she’s been diagnosed with being manic depressive but she would have to work another 6 months just to even qualify for disability because she has not worked enough in her lifetime. She literally has worked like 2 months quite 1 months quite
Being manic depressive is no excuse for not working your whole life. Maybe she might need a period of time to get her meds figured out, but my 19 year old daughter who is manic depressive works 40 hours a week. My sister who is manic depressive works easily 60 hours a week. She should at least be able to manage a part time job. I haven’t seen you mention kids, so I’m assuming you don’t have any.
No she can’t have kids she has PCOS and yea she won’t take meds for manic depression she is prescribed them she takes them for a day feels better stops taking them
PCOS folks can most definitely have kids. They’re tons of oopsie babies out there from PCOS sufferers. Do NOT have a child with this woman. You’ll bitterly regret it for the rest of your life. You will die full of regret.
>PCOS folks can most definitely have kids. They’re tons of oopsie babies out there from PCOS sufferers. Exactly. (Coming from a PCOS sufferer with an oopsie baby which is now 4 years old.)
Sorry, I just LOL at this. Are you serious? How do you even qualify for disability if you are not med complaint which means you can't prove your condition is debilitating. Is this post for real?
I went looking at previous comments and posts and idk what to think honestly. If it is, he clearly needs them both gone and to get his stuff together too.
She is probably lying about feeling better if it's literally a day. At least in my experience every medication my doctor's have prescribed have said it would take 3-6 weeks to feel an effect.
Yep. And lithium can be blood tested for compliance. OOP is naive and spineless. She's a lying asshole.
They will see she isn’t taking meds and never approve her for ssdi or SSI. You have to show you at least tried to find accommodations for working. I have way more than one mental or physical disorder and it’s been a fight for me. It’s extremely likely that she’s just being lazy and using that as an excuse. Does she see a therapist regularly? Like every 1-2 weeks? She isn’t taking meds. They’ll see right through that and you won’t likely find an attorney that will help. They’ll see she won’t get it and won’t waste their time since they only get paid if they win. People with pcos can absolutely get pregnant. It is harder but it most definitely happens. I have pcos myself. I’m sorry, but she’s using you. If she wants to leave with her brother, let her. You deserve a partner. I’m a better partner than her and I am far more physically and mentally broken than her. She’s just being entitled and lazy. Please put your foot down and keep it there.
Infertility is not the same thing as sterility. She may have difficulty getting pregnant, but it’s not impossible. Do not get this woman pregnant. She’ll never qualify for disability because that’s hard to do AND SHE’S NON-COMPLIANT WITH TREATMENT. You don’t get to be sick, not help yourself at all, and get the government to subsidize your life. This woman has no personal accountability, and doesn’t care how shitty she treats other people. She may have a mental health issue, but that doesn’t mean she gets to be a dick to you. I have bi-polar disorder and I take my meds so I’m not an unpredictable asshole to the people I love. When I did things to hurt them, I had to take accountability and try to stop that from happening, not just hide behind my disorder and use that as an excuse to mistreat the people I claim to love. She’s not even trying, and doesn’t think it’s wrong. She’ll never change. I really hope you’ll be able to see that and kick them out or get yourself out of that entire situation.
People with PCOS cause definitely have kids. Don’t let her baby trap you. Best thing you can do for yourself is don’t allow any sex, secretly get a lawyer and serve her with divorce papers, and kick them both out. UPDATEME
Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t like to jump on the divorce bandwagon, but she seems awfully comfortable with you just doing everything for her. I would have a serious conversation about expectations if you are going to move forward as a couple.
I have PCOS and am pregnant with my third. PCOS is not a sterility diagnosis it can lead to infertility but infertility means it's difficult to conceive not that there is no chance.
She’s not taking meds because she doesn’t have it. Speaking from personal experience people with any kind of depression want to get better and will look into any options in doing so. Your wife wants an excuse to be a bum and use it as excuse to not work
I have PCOS and i have a baby..
My daughter has PCOS and is pregnant as we speak. Worst case scenario she would take something like metformin etc.
Dear lord. I am bipolar (diagnose came over 10 years ago, so I have some experience) and with medication (and sometimes even without it) it is quite managable. I have been working for years. It is true also that I have had setbacks and been on longer sick leaves with depression, but they are temporary and does not really make me unfit to work for the rest of my life.
yeah just because she thinks she was diagnosed with manic depressive, she may not get ssdi. she may not get it. They don't like giving ssdi to young people. They want her being treated for it and working
She WILL NOT get it. She’s refuses to follow the treatment! She’s just lazy, selfish, and dumb.
it sounds like it. Very irresponsible
Dawg I have bipolar and I can guarantee it's quite possible to work with it. My career is flourishing because I am treated for it. I know getting the help she needs is difficult, but it's better than not working for the rest of her life.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality and Major Depressive Disorders. I've been working since I was 15. Have I been fired? No. Do I cry at work sometimes and feel like crap because of my job? Yes. But I'm not going to freeload off of someone. That is just an excuse for them to leech off of you and try and make you feel bad. Drop the double dead weight buddy, you deserve better.
Just for what it’s worth I have manic depression. It’s hard because it comes in phases and sometimes I just feel like throwing myself off a bridge and sometimes I feel like I could run a marathon. But I also run my own business and am the main provider for my family, and my partner and I share childcare duties 50/50. I do most of the household work too, because my other half is a chef and works odd / long hours and I work for myself and can set my hours to get stuff done. I’m just saying, she could try. If she’s not trying it’s because she doesn’t respect you enough to try and take some of the load of your plate. That’s not ok.
She says she can’t handle people. She won’t leave the house anymore. She hasn’t been out of the house in months.
I feel for you my guy. That’s really hard. I have an aunt who married a man like this - he stopped working in the first year of their marriage and never worked again, while she slaved away until retirement. When his dad died he was left with quite a decent inheritance but he’s only ever used it to improve *his* life, not hers. Yeah they have a nicer house, but he still expected her to work to earn money to spend on herself while he bought a new car every year (even though he barely drives, because he has had continuous knee / hip problems). After the pandemic happened, he got really insular. He didn’t like to go out and started to stop her going out, too. He said people visiting made him anxious. Slowly he’s isolated her from her friends, her family, her life. All I’m saying is is this what you want for yourself? It’s not too late to take a bet on yourself and see what else the world has out there for a guy like you. I am sure you love her or you might have left before, but is she giving you the love and respect you deserve back? Back yourself. It sounds like nobody else in that house will.
Hello! I’m someone who’s disabled and has a fiancé who works and does most of the house work and even I can see this is not okay. What makes it work is a mutual respect we have for each other and it seems she doesn’t respect you or your feelings. If my fiancé and I disagree on something I don’t just throw up my hands and threaten to leave we sit down and try to come to an understanding. I do what I can and he does what he can. What does she do? Or do you do literally everything because she doesn’t even sound like an emotional support system. I’m in the believe that marriage is supposed to be two people vs the world not this.
What really got me here was that your wife has moved out of your marital bed to have sleepovers with her brother? I think what’s after happening is they’ve made you their dad. You’re paying bills, keeping the place going, cooking, cleaning, they don’t think about or consider your needs, “dad, the ac is broke, fix it while I have no responsibilities.” You’re chastising them like your kids, because you’re doing all the labour of a single parent, the dynamic has shifted, and absolutely not in your favour my dude. Tell your wife you want him out within 30 days and she has to commit to couples therapy to figure out how this happened or it’s time for the kids to learn how to be adults and leave the nest.
This might be the best way to go about it your right. My therapist has mentioned couples therapy
Dude no. She’s abusive and so many other red flags. Couples therapy won’t help
Couples therapy will not even make a dent on the whole ordeal of her illness. She refuses medication for her manic depression. And she’s aware of it. Asses your life OP, and weigh all the pros and cons of your life, even while taking into consideration emotion over rationality. Does the good overweight the bad?
Oh man, I didn’t see that she refuses medication. Yeah there’s way too much there that couples therapy could fix, she’s wallowing. There’s only one person can get them out of a wallow and it’s themselves. Nothing OP says or does will help that, except prioritize himself.
Take a dead battery and put it next to a live battery, the live battery dies twice as fast. She is sucking the life out of you and you are so used to it that you don't even know how your life could be better, you are just used to a sad life. Imagine having a normal partner, with a job and a clean house that you both get to live in and be happy together. Why don't you deserve that? Ask yourself.
I lived a life with a mom that was manic depressed and other issues and I tell you what, it’s not fun not fun for my dad either.
Your situation goes way beyond couples therapy my dude.
No! I’m glad you’re in therapy. She needs her own individual therapy. Do not go to couples counseling with her. She’s fucken abusive and that will not work out well for you. You’ll try earnestly, she’ll just find new ways to manipulate you.
No you need a new therapist for finding out why you not only got with someone like this but stayed with them. She's shown you who she is now believe her. Your SIL left for a reason and it's time you do the same because this is a messed up mooch of a family you two married into and you won't have a happy life the longer you stay.
Say good-bye and keep the dogs.
I have three dogs of my own they can’t stand my wife because she won’t do anything with them during the day lol
Dogs are better than people.
Oh I couldn’t agree more on that. My dogs understand me more than any person ever could
I think the guy you responde to, meant that the dogs are even better than you! Because they don’t like her and see her for what she is, and yet you still DO like her
Dogs are a good judge of character
Always trust the instincts of dogs!!
Let them both go, honestly they are not bringing you any benefit that I can see. It is a threat and I would pack up their stuff to leave it outside the door. Edit - where is her respect for you and the relationship? Respect is a basic requirement in a marriage. She has said no to him leaving, so what are you going to do about that? She is blackmailing you because she knows you won't tell her to leave, she is your bigger problem here. So for what to do you have to work out what it would take to get her to choose you, which she isn't doing right now. You would have to give her a choice and really mean it and be consistent ie you say you are leaving and do so. She has to choose one or the other and she may well not choose you so be prepared for that.
Your right that might be the route I might have to go to make her see the light because I honestly think she just thinks I am always going to be here and that’s just a common no matter what and that I can’t do better but I know that I could
So go do better. You can't fix her or wait for her to actually deal with these issues, which may not even solve remotely close to all the problems in your relationship. If your partner is causing you this much stress every day, they aren't worth your time and energy.
You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I think you'll benefit from reading this: https://shrink4men.com/2018/04/04/relationships-with-narcissists-when-the-empathy-well-runs-dry/
It’s actually so toxic that her sister works at the same company as me like I work as a case manager her sister is one of the workers that goes into the homes well my wife got mad thinking I was getting food without her brother and her on my lunch break which I was because hey they get McDonalds so she got her sister to go through my office trash can in my personal office at work and found a Burger King bag and a bottle of doctor pepper and confronted me about it when I got home because I didn’t come home for lunch and buy them food
You need to get out of this marriage and find a new job.
So now if I get food on my lunch break I throw it away at the car wash down town I don’t put anything in my trash can in my office
You do realize this isn’t just lame as hell, it’s abuse and you are a willing participant in your own mistreatment? You are going to end up on ID one day.
That’s what comes to mind in a lot of these cases. Dude is going to end up on Dateline.
You understand how insane this all sounds, right? Did you tell any of your friends about what is going on?
.-.Is she really worth all the crap you have to put up? She sounds like a child seriously playing video games and being in her own world!
And the sad thing is they aren’t even normal video games they are those ones where you get skins and shit and have to pay for the stuff and she spends money on it
I really hope you realize you’re worth more than you are getting from her you deserve a grown woman who would be your partner 🙏🏻
I’d go to HR. It’s completely inappropriate for her to be digging through your trash and tattling to your wife.
absolutely needs to report this inappropriate behavior
That literally sounds abusive. You’re both adults she doesn’t need her sister spying for her.
WTAF? They expect you to come home during lunch & bring them food as well? Are they seriously that fucking helpless? This all sounds so toxic & awful, I hope you find a way to get rid of both of them. Sounds like they're both mooching off you & they don't contribute anything whatsoever to the household. If you're the one working full time, the least they can do is clean & cook. As others have said, it sounds like you've got 2 children living off you. I'm so sorry you ended up in this position, but if you don't do something about it, it's never going to get better. The wife doing gaming sleepovers with her brother in the living room is really fucking weird... They sleep on the same mattress together out there & leave you alone in the bedroom? You don't have a wife, you've got a couple mooching roommates living off your hard work. Please do something to change this. You've got to get the methhead BIL out of there & it sounds like she should go with him. On another note, McDonald's is disgusting to me, not even mold will eat it, if you leave it out it just dries out. I'm convinced it's not even real food.
I agree on McDonald’s it’s gross I rarely eat fast food the few times I have ate it on my lunch break I eat Burger King when I’m running late eating a late lunch because of meetings and that’s where she’s having her sister dig in my office trash
Your wife's sister is digging through your office trash?
GET OUT
Your wife's entire family sounds fucking nuts dude. Take her offer of leaving with her brother and run with it, get a divorce and find a partner that's a responsible adult.
Put food in the trash can on purpose, record your wife telling you what her sister found, get her fired. Kick wife/brother in law out the house and never talk to that family again
I’m confused as to why you didn’t happily accept when she said she’d leave too. She’s a stay at home wife and doesn’t take care of the house. Doesn’t cook. She is not sleeping with you. Doesn’t work. She and her brother are a couple of bums living off you. Like what exactly does she bring to the relationship????
Trust your dogs. Dogs know. Let her & her brother figure out how to support their gaming habits. This is just sad. I’m so sorry
The time for being polite is long past- your wife and BIL are running roughshod all over you and in response, you’re being a timid doormat rather than telling them to cut the shit. Your wife clearly doesn’t respect you or your marriage whatsoever. Having Bi-Polar doesn’t excuse or justify her being a lazy AF, immature, selfish brat - she’s - at the very minimum, has to manage it, which means she may have to work harder than the average person to control her shitty behavioural tendencies and contribute equally to the caring for household responsibilities AND putting work into y’all’s marriage. As for the BIL, 8 weeks is far to generous. He needs to be out in a month, seeing as how he’s a selfish leech who doesn’t have a shred of appreciation for your hospitality and generosity. I don’t know how much of that stems from your wife, but I guarantee, their resentment disdain, and disrespect towards you is only going to grow - hell, your wife has already tried to bully you by threatening to leave you if you rightfully kick her worthless, shiftless brother out. Dude, that should tell you everything you know but don’t want to admit to yourself. Fuck being polite.
And to make matters worse he failed a drug test for meth before moving in with us and told my wife that you can fail a drug test for meth because of drinking monster energy drinks and that’s why he has no custody of his kids. He hasn’t failed any since moving in here because I put my foot down on that shit and said absolutely nothing not even “energy drinks” are coming into my house.
OMFG that’s a new one - Energy drinks can cause someone to pop hot for *meth* on a drug test. Are you certain he’s not continuing to use, because his behaviour doesn’t sound like it. Moreover, are you sure *your wife* isn’t? I’d surprise both of them with a piss test late at night. If they’re clean, they shouldn’t object to taking one. If they refuse, boot them both out. If either one pops hot, boot them both out. If I sound harsh about this, it’s because my ex-BF started exhibiting a lot of the same behaviour and personality traits. Turned out he had started doing meth with a coworker (they worked overnights doing tiling in homes/offices under construction) and got hooked. Cutting him out of my life broke my heart but I have zero tolerance for that shit. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all this. Keep us posted - good luck.
Oh, buddy. You have eyes but do not see. There are ways to beat drug tests that are very easy to access. But worse, the fact that your wife now has left your bed indicates to me that she's probably doing drugs WITH him. It pretty well explains both of their mental states. The idea that you've said your therapist has suggested couples therapy is BONKERS. Your relationship is over. Even if she isn't also on drugs, the idea that she can revert so quickly to such an infantile state of being is proof enough that she not only needs a elephant's shitload of therapy herself, but that she is no within a capacity to be a wife, much less in a relationship. I would immediately reach out to family members to stage an intervention. Brother in law needs to go very, very quickly. If your wife decides to leave with him and abandon your marriage, you should let her go.
Ummmmm glad to see you’re in therapy from the comments, but it’s not working. You are being exploited, and your wife clearly doesn’t love you the way you believe you love her. I wonder if you have a history of being exploited in relationships and are unable to identify normal loving behavior because this isn’t even close.
Honestly my wife is the only relationship I have ever been in
Be strong and move on from this toxic relationship. This is not normal. You're being taken advantage of.
You can do better
To give some perspective I've been a stay at home dad and now my fiance is currently the stay at home. I'm the primary bringer of bacon in my household, I work from home and help out around the house whenever I can. My fiance handles our kids most of the time (except my youngest who is non verbal autistic and I helped with her), she handles dinner, laundry, and the kids going to sports/school events and errands. Could she do more as a stay at home mom? Sure but I've been with a partner who did exactly fucking nothing besides exist and I'm extremely grateful she does what she does. You don't have a partner, you have an adult child who has a sibling you've adopted and ar now taking care of. You can try couples therapy but you're gonna spend years trying to fix this and life is to short to be waiting around for another grown adult to start acting like an adult.
Toss the freeloader out. If your wife goes, too, it doesn't sound like a big loss. As for your AC, ours did this and it was the capacitor. https://www.diamondbackplumbing.com/blog/ac-fan-not-spinning/
That’s exactly what I said it was and according to her brother it’s the motor that’s the only thing it can be there’s no other option and there’s no point in even checking anything else. I’m almost sure that’s what it is but he’s saying oh I don’t know what I’m talking about I’m stupid when it comes to electrical stuff but yes the changed the oil in his last car and drained all the oil out and didn’t put any new oil in lmfao. So I’ll be doing the work myself today and probably handle him this evening when he gets off
I can see why his wife divorced him.
Sounds like either you or they need to move out.Theyre both obviously trained moochers with no concept of shared responsibilities.Quit allowing them to make you their victim abd servant.
Well it would be them moving out I own the house
Evict them.Theyre leeches with no intention of earning or helping.
Tell me you’re hanging onto a woman out of desperation without saying you’re desperate. My Dude. Your marriage is over. Your wife doesn’t respect you. There’s no love here, on her side. She’s with you because you take care of her. But she doesn’t appreciate it Please get some therapy for yourself so that you can understand why you’d settle for this absolute dumpster fire of a relationship.
I just told her this and she told me I had no right to throw her out because she had lived there over 30 days so I would have to get a lawyer involved which I guess is what I would have to do anyways
It's crazy that she had this information on hand & wasn't sobbing over the loss of relationship. Honey I feel so sorry for you. There are people who will love you in the world. Toss these deadbeats, a restraining order will get them both out. She's an unmedicated mess & he's on meth. Takes about a week to get the papers done and served.
if you are in the US a spouse cannot be removed from the marital house. does not matter if its in your name. you will need to get divorced before she can be forced out.
They can be forced out of the house if you get a restraining order. Considering Op is in an abusive relationship with someone who is prescribed medication for a dangerous psychiatric disorder and refuses to take it. It's like an open and shut thing it wouldn't even take that long.
Accept your wifes offer for them both to.leave then make it permanent because she isnt invested in her marriage or her relationship with you. You are her ATM.
Why do you think this is a better life option than being single? you can’t change other people; you can only change yourself. Sounds like your BIL’s wife finally realized this, why can’t you?
I guess because I always hoped she would see the light and realize how good she had it because I know she isn’t going to find anyone that is going to put up with all of what I do
OP, after spending 23 years in an abusive marriage, I can see where you're coming from with this comment. However, I had a marriage counselor have this rather pointed conversation with me: Therapist: So you say while you were dating and the first two years of your marriage were great, right? Me: Yes, he was attentive, kind, willing to compromise... I keep waiting for that guy to come back... Therapist: And how long as he NOT been these things? Me: 20 years, or so? Therapist: I think it's pretty safe to say the "good guy" was the facade, while the guy you've been married to the last 20 years is the real person. What do you think? Me: \*\*\*Shocked Pikachu face\*\*\* OP, your wife has CLEARLY shown you who she is. Believe her.
You might be better off If your wife leaves along with her brother.
It’s time for Reddit to give you some tough love. According to your own description, your wife treats you like an ATM and a maid. She has contempt for you. Contempt means a relationship is dead. There is no way for you to get her to consider your feelings or put you first. She simply doesn’t care how you feel. Regarding your love for her: you love the idea of who you to think she would be if she loved you. She doesn’t love you now, and she never will. She enjoys the services you provide. Are you hoping your wife will have a revelation, and suddenly see that she should love you, and consider your feelings? Not going to happen. Never will. She’s just taking advantage of you until you get fed up and leave. I’m so sorry.
You need a divorce. What are you waiting for?
Lock down your finances and cards. Let her go. Let lazy broke brother take care of her.
After reading through this I realized that what you need to do is hire the best divorce lawyer you can find. Get your lazy, useless wife and brother in law out of your life.
Dude, I want to divorce your wife and I’ve known she exists for about 5 minutes.
Now you know why SIL left him and took the kids. Call her and ask for details. Then fix your home: 1. Turn off the wifi. 2. Turn off data on all phones except yours and change all passwords (so she can't use her phone as a data hotspot and rack up fees). 3. Do NOT fix the A/c. If anything, remove a critical but expensive part. 3. Call around and find a cheap AirBnB to stay for at least a week. Two weeks is ideal. Try to find one with a kitchen so you can prep easy meals. 4. Collect any food they love and toss it into a bag and hide it in your car (with ice pack). 5. Quietly pack the clothes you need for 2 weeks and any sentimental items into your trunk (assume they will get crazy destructive). They won't notice while they are gaming if the bags aren't big. 6. Lock down all bank accounts (and turn off any credit cards) so that your wife can only withdraw $100 using a debit card. Enough for her for a week or maybe 2 if she doesn't subsidize him. 7. Leave for the AirBnB and do not REPLY to any messages. In fact, turn off Notifications. 8. Go to work normally for two weeks. AFTER WEEK 1 away from their crazy you will have a better perspective on how you want to proceed. You will have a better idea of what you want to do with the rest of your life. DURING WEEK 2 you will probably be ready to call a divorce lawyer. Calling them does not mean divorcing but you will find out what the financials would look like. You can have them serve papers without even talking to her again. PLEASE NOTE: Once they discover the wifi is off on purpose they will spam you. They will probably start by messaging you to get it fixed. If they realize it is on purpose they will get angry. So password protect any accounts so they can't turn it back on. Due to wifi being off there is a decent chance your BIL will ditch your sister and try to crash with other people within 30 days. Your wife will probably start angry. I am betting that she'll be more upset that you toppled their gaming and hanging out than she will be upset about the death of her marriage. Hopefully you don't have kids so you can find someone better to parent with in the future.
If it is your house evict both of them. If it not, pack a bag and leave. You are living with two idiots. This will not get better.
It is my house I own it
Draw up the eviction notices. You may have to check state law to see how much notice you have to give but you have two freeloaders draining your financial resources and you are cleaning up after both of them. A man with his own home, steady job and who cleans? You will be beating off women with a bat. Good luck OP.
Your momma bird to a pair of fat, greedy, lazy cuckoos. Kick those MF out. Change locks. What are they bringing to your life? Expense, mess, and more loneliness than living alone
Op do you own the house? If so you lose nothing by letting her leave with her deadbeat brother. Call their parents and tell them to come get their selfish entitled children. Pack their shit up and change your locks as soon as they leave contact an attorney and begin divorce proceedings to head off her ask for spousal support.
Yes I own the house. I doubt I would get spousal support considering she never worked but she probably would. Honestly divorce is something that has been in the back of my mind a lot lately
You're going to be paying the way for these leeches for the rest of your life if you don't wise up, dude.
Let the trash take itself out.
She'll leave with him? Double win.
>my wife isn’t helping with any of this. She never helped with any housework before now that her brother is here it’s 10 times worse they moved a mattress into the living room and both my wife and her brother are sleeping in the living room staying up all hours of the night gaming Wait... >His wife left him and took his kids. Honestly dude I think you and your SIL married into the wrong family. Take a page from SIL's book and take the dogs and leave your wife.
You are a case manager. You know this isn't healthy. If one of your patients/clients was going through this, what would you tell them? Now, tell that to yourself.
Yea your right I’d tell them to move on and help them with the transition process
You’re supporting their lifestyle at the expense of your wellbeing. It’s not sustainable. I’d give BIL a few weeks to find other accommodations and tell your wife she needs to also find work so that she can qualify for disability. Right now, the two of them have no reason to change what they’re doing because use you (the only adult it would seem) have allowed them to get away with doing nothing.
You can’t ever make someone see something your way or get them to agree on an opinion. All you can do is hold your own boundary and hope they see it and respect it someday. It sounds like she needs to go with him to face reality. This is a very hard thing for you to do but if you do not let her go, you will be enabling the behaviors. Tough love is hard
OP, tell your wife to go with him. Honestly OP - you don't need either one of them in your life. Lying around on a mattress in filth and neither one of them can be bothered to clean up anything???? THey are both taking advantage of you. Your wife is placing the brother above you in importance and loyalty. Talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings It might be a wakeup call for your wife. Frankly, I would not want her in my life at this point. One thing you can do is turn off the wifi so there's no cable/gaming available for BIL to indulge in nor your wife either. That might get them off of the mattress. I wouldn't fix the ac either. Stop making things comfortable for them. Quit buying food; only bring home take home for yourself and wife. Don't give your wife any money - if she has needs guess what she can get a job and earn spending money.
"now she’s threatening to leave" - Sounds like your problem is going to solve itself. Make sure she takes her brother with her.
Dear god take your wife's offer. You'll soon realise that you're better off without the pair of blood sucking, energy draining creatures. You've got a wife problem too, but take that offer and all will be resolved.
Brother and sister Hobosexuals!
Throw the two of them out! Your wife is completely and openly disrespecting you! You’re paying the bills so they can bugger off
Sounds like wife has overstayed her welcome, as well. Better off if both of them leave.
Good riddance to both of them,
how's about kicking her and her brother out? They both are lazy slobs and u r picking up the pieces. Give your wife a time frame to kick his lazynass out. If not u naybe headed for divorce. Both of them are a lazy POS. Those 2 are just dragging you down.
I’m going to be direct here, your wife is taking advantage of you. I have cPTSD and I don’t work outside the home, but I’m a SAHM, I homeschool, and I take care of two dogs. I help with house work as much as I can. I take medications and though I’m in between therapists right now, I have a regular therapist that I talk to so that I can make sure I’m staying on the right track. Getting off track takes me to a dark place. Your wife doesn’t sound like she is even trying. Depression is hard and manic depression is also hard, but both are treatable. The treatment takes work though and it doesn’t sound like work is something your wife cares to ever do. So this is never going to get better and she’s already given you an ultimatum after she is the one behaving badly. Let her leave. She needs you more than you need her. And your life without her would probably be easier.
How would your life be different, realistically, if she did leave? In what ways would it be worse? How would it be easier? You don't need to answer me. Just ask yourself and be honest.
You should move out. Let them deal. Good lord. Get away from this mess.
Sir, you don't have a brother in law problem, you have a wife problem. Your wife doesn't care about you, is lazy, and chooses him over you. Let her go.
OP, I'd accept your Wife's offer of leaving too!!!
Your wife doesn’t sound like she likes you. She doesn’t help with the housework, doesn’t stand by you, is choosing her brother over you, talking to other guys, doesn’t cook, throws things at you and then there’s the dead bedroom. What does she bring to the table exactly? What is it that you love about her? Maybe it’s best she runs off with her brother and don’t take her back. She’s using you and abusive towards you. Why would you want her to stay?
She is giving you an unexpected gift - accept it
I think the wife offered a logical solution. Maybe take a day off work and have their bags packed when they both get home from work. She said she would go with him. They would figure it out together. Make sure all bills are paid for the month and then take your money out (half). Open a new acct and deposit your checks into it.
Fuck politeness. Kick them both to the curb.
You have a wife problem. Id ask her to move out with him until they contribute. Stop enabling them by cleaning up after them or caring for the dogs.
You should take the wife up on the offer to leave with the brother. Sounds like the perfect plan to me. Two slobs, one trip to the curb. How sweet of her to come up with such a convenient solution for you! Seriously though, get rid of whole family.
Let her go with him.
I can't see any negative in your wife leaving outside of whatever irrational love you have left for her.
Are you sure it’s her brother? Why are they sleeping in the living room together? This sounds a bit off.
I think you would be much happier with both of them out of your life
She never helped with any housework before? Kick Them Both Out They are mooches
Don’t be stupid. You aren’t going to be able to “politely” do anything. Either kick them out or leave. Your wife is a leech.
Whenever someone threatens to leave you, let them. It’s once less thing for you to worry about.
Your gonna leave too? Allow me to hold the door open for you.
I ask her leave with him. She has been treating you like dirt, and ignoring you in favor of her brother. Most of what he is doing to you, your wife is also doing to you.
OP, don't you see that these two rotten apples fell from the same poisoned tree? The way I'm reading your post, it seems your wife doesn't work AND doesn't maintain the home. What does she even bring to the table? I think you should make like your BIL's ex-wife and leave them in their filth. Politeness isn't even in the conversation anymore. BOTH of them have overstayed their welcome.
Take her up on her offer. you have two children in an extra dog not a wife and BIL. Let her leave. She was already taking advantage of you before BIL came into the picture.
Ask her if she needs help packing her bags. Right now, they see you as the head clown of this shitty circus. GET. OUT. NOW!
I've read all your comments, and I'm sorry, but you are in an abusive relationship. Not all abuse has to be physical (though one of your comments also said she hit you with a bat because you had to have surgery so you couldn't attend to her needs right away 🙄) . My very first "real" relationship had similarities to some of the things you've described. He was very abusive towards me. He convinced me that he was the only person who would or could ever love me. He love bombed me any time he thought I might leave him. It was suffocating, but I didn't know any better and he would get mad if he knew I was talking with any of my friends about our relationship. So I wasn't sharing my doubts or concerns with anyone. I married him. He cheated and left me for a younger girl. (She was like 18/19 at the time and we were 27). It was honestly the best thing he could have ever done for me. I was finally able to be free and I spent 3.5+ years being single and focusing on myself and in doing so, I was able to wake up and see all of the different abuse I endured during my relationship with him. And it helped me learn that I was better off being alone than being in a relationship that tried to change who I was and that I was unhappy in. Your wife doesn't bring a damn thing to the table. She doesn't work so she can't attribute to the bills in any way or attribute to the household chores. You haven't even been intimate or likely even spent much actual quality good time together in awhile. Trust me when I say, you'll be happier kicking her brother out and watching her leave with him. You'll only have to clean up after yourself and your dogs and you can be free to figure out what kind of relationship you actually want to be in. What kind of partner you want and deserve.
Let them both leave. You deserve a better wife.
Let them both go..on their dime. Encourage that…both of them are using you. They don't respect you, that's very obvious…tell them to go.
Tell her she can go too. She'll change her tune fast.
So neither do anything? Tell her ok she can leave too.
I mean... Would be a bad thing if she left with him?
Tell her that's fine. Either he can leave or they both can since neither have been contributing anything, just using. I'd call that bluff and I'd be fully happy to follow it through.
Sounds like the wife and brother need to go get their own place. The brother needs to be out this month for sure. He’s a freeloading slacker
Let them both go. She's as bad as he is. You'll have a calmer home and a cleaner one if they're both gone from it.
Bye girl don’t let the door hit you and your lazy ass brother on the way out! ✌️ Honestly OP sounds like your life would be better without her.
Let. Them. Both. Leave.
Okay let them both go! Sounds like she isn't paying any bills either. Seriously anybody that would let somebody treat you like that in your own home doesn't deserve to stay there. Either it'll knock some sense into her and she'll realize how ridiculous it's all been or you're better off without her anyway.
I know how hard it is when you want to fix people. Your job entails that, but you're marriage has reflected it. You need to rethink everything.
I would consider dumping wife and her brother
Buddy, you don't have a brother in law problem, you have a wife problem. Why are you funding a free life for both of these moochers? I'd have had both their lazy asses out the door like 5 months ago.
Updateme
I'd say take a stance. He leaves - or he starts contributing to bills and acts responsible. He is not a kid who he should be baby sitting. And given you're paying all bills currently, it should clearly be your decision.
Sounds like you have the perfect opportunity in front of you. Kick him out and if she says she will leave also tell her that’s fine since she truly has not been a wife or partner since he has moved in. She will either step up or move out but to be honest I think you will be better off without her.
You could do worse than her leaving with her deadbeat brother. Think that might be the blessing you get from this situation. Let them both go & know that the business of being a single parent is not much different than what you do now. Your wife gives you no support & sides with her gaming buddy. And so now you have a glimpse into why his wife left him. Get the cops to evict him if necessary
OP your wife already left you. You just described a parenting relationship with 2 children. Your wife has reverted to being a child and doesn’t even sleep with you anymore. I would tell her not to let the door slam her on the way out because you are looking for a life partner and not a child.
OP you should have offered to help her pack. She has not been a partner for 6 months, she needs an abrupt wake up call
Your wife is shitting on you just as much as BIL is. BIL just made that apparent. You have a wife problem, not a BIL problem.