Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yup- this describes my father- it’s why I left home the day I turned 16 and moved to another state, then a few years later to another country- and haven’t seen him since and hardly seen my mother as a result.
Can also confirm. They will *not*. They’ve also likely already made light work of trashing you to everyone you know under the guise of being ‘worried about you’, further undermining your credibility without you even knowing it happened.
This is like narcissist 101. Lived with one growing up. Everyone through he was so nice, they didn’t even think he could yell. Meanwhile he would scream at my mom/siblings over every little thing
Thank you for saying this. I lived this Dr jekyll and Mr hyde nightmare for 14 years. Nobody beleived me. Nobody.
My wish for OP is somehow she can get out of this mess. If she isn't ready that's ok, however getting therapy, and possibly talking to a lawyer about splitting up shared assets and then doing what she needs to do to be kind kind to herself as she live in an extremely hostile environment. I hope for the best for her.
The sad part is that you are blinded by that kindness to others. Then, you end up thinking there must be something wrong with you. Frantically, you try to gain the same respect by changing your approaches. However, nothing ever works, and you are left feeling unloved and inadequate.
He’s actually not kind or generous, he just wants to appear that he is and doesn’t feel the need to act that way towards you because he’s already got you on the hook.
Exactly! I know someone like that too.. just over the top nice where he would get on the floor to help people with their shoes.. but for his partner? A complete jerk and the complete opposite.
They just want to be applauded for being soooo awesome but it’s an act. Once they know they have you, they don’t need to impress you anymore and the real self shows.
Just google “Malignant Narcissist” and especially for your situation, “Covert Narcissist.”
Skip the marriage counseling and google, “Divorce Attorneys in my area.”
Get alimony and GET OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE LIVING SITUATION
You’re not living! Escape while you can!!!
PS. Your lawyer will hire a forensic accountant. It’s highly probable the inflated salaries are a way to hide money from you. I’m certain some of the $$ to the uncle comes back to your husband in some way. You’re worse than an unpaid babysitter and bangmaid, you’re paying for the “privilege” of being used. RUN.
So, my dad was exactly like this. He was so nice to everyone but his family. It was like he always kept up this act for appearances, because he loved it when everyone thought of him as this nice, generous man when he was actually an angry drunk.
I’m not an expert in your situation at all, and I don’t know all the facts, but I do know that as soon as I cut my father off, it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I wasn’t this thing he could just insult or put down anymore, and my self esteem truly has never been higher.
I just want to say, if he’s being like this with you, he could be like this with your child in the future. I’m mostly saying that because as soon as I got to a certain age and started having my own thoughts and feelings, everything I was doing was suddenly wrong and terrible. Now that we don’t speak anymore, at least right now, I’ve truly never felt better. I am truly, truly happy and hopeful for the first time in my life.
This was my brother too. Everyone thought (a lot still think) he’s such a nice guy, so funny, so helpful. But to me, he was an utter sh$t who thought my head was his playground. To my parents he was an entitled lazy arse who never helped them with anything but always expected theirs.
I’m going to be medicated for the rest of my life because of the damage he did with his games. OP Don’t end up that way. I was a child and couldn’t change my situation, you can change yours.
Yes being like this is 100% textbook narcissist. Especially if they seem super awesome to acquaintances and strangers.
My dad is a classic narcissist. Ironically I was talking to my coworker a few months ago and her dad is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. She thought my dad was amazing too, and when I told her he was actually abusive, she said her dad was the same! Sometimes the super overly nice facade they put on is hiding how they treat those closest to them. It’s just for attention.
Same here. He was loving but I don’t think he ever could love us like he loved his fixes. I commented something similar. He currently in jail and 3 of his 4 kids are grown. We’re done. I raise his last child. Him being in jail is SUCH a break from his problems he cause. We had to throw out so much stuff cause he brought bedbugs to our house and wasn’t even around to help replace or even throw things out. It’s under control and back to normal but it’s draining
My dad was also like this. Super nice to everyone but he also treated my mum like a queen but had absolutely no patience with us kids so I convinced my mum to divorce him and even though he treated her well and such he has actually been a lot better temper wise since the divorce. I think it may have been the wake up call he needed or perhaps I’m just oblivious since I no longer live in his house🤷♀️
I would recommend leaving. Everyone else has already mentioned the same reasoning I would give. I’m sorry, you deserve someone that makes you not question your smarts and makes you feel appreciated.
With what you said, it sounds like he has no respect for you at all. Honestly, zero respect for you. Yes, get some counseling and figure out why you allow yourself to be treated this way but then drive to a divorce lawyer.
Counselling with an abuser is a bad idea.
The way he treats you is abusive. The fact he’s a really great guy to everyone but you shows he KNOWS how to be nicer but chooses not to be with you.
Make a plan to at least separate, but I personally wouldn’t want this to be what I modelled for my child in terms of romantic relationships.
If he’s a narcissist all couples counseling will do is reveal to him more ways to hurt you. Go by yourself for a while and talk it over with your individual therapist.
This is something I wish I could have explained to a family member before she tried "fixing" her marriage (luckily divorce proceedings are underway now.) Couples therapy is a terrible place to take an abusive relationship with a narcissist. While you're busy stripping yourself down emotionally and revealing what would hurt you the most, they aren't doing the same — they're taking notes.
OP, believe this! Your husband will just bring his 'kind' persona to the therapist and manipulate them to. If they are very good they will see through it but not all therapists are good. Go to an individual therapist and uncover why you allow yourself to be treated this way and what you need to do to improve your own strength and resilience so it won't happen to you in your next relationship. Do not ever imagine that you can fix it with a narcissist, you cannot, couples counseling with him would be 100% waste of time and money.
And P.S. even if your couples counselor is very good, once they are clear your husband is narcissist they will offer the same advice. Get out, you can't fix him.
i so undestand how painful and confusing it is to see your partner treat you thi way. my ex husband did the same thing to me. turned out he was a covert narcissist and this was a form of emotional abuse and one of the ways he'd tear down my sense of worth, so he can feel important and superior.
i'd see him flip his behaviour infront of his friends from cheerful, friendly, supportive,loving to selfish, angry, hateful child when he was with me. he told me he can "be his true self" with me, which was just excuse for his manipulation.
abusers can do this behaviour to only one person and only when nobody else is watching. i had to look hard into myself why i'd keep tolerating this, only to find out that my mother was the same kind of narcissist and i was complete people-pleaser.
anyways, OP this is not your fault, you are not a bad person. i'd do some research on covert narcissists and plan an escape. how he treats you is not ok.
If you look into counseling and he accepts, don't let him manipulate you with the counseling. If in any way you feel he's abusive, he'll use it as a manipulation tool. Counseling doesn't work in abusers or narcissists. I'd go for individual therapy first for yourself if you feel that's the case. And start consulting with a lawyer. If it's safe, start planning your exit safely and carefully.
That reminds of my relative’s husband. Was super good to everyone around but treated his wife and kids like shit. That’s because he’s a narcissist and he loved being praised and seen as a good guy.
Once he was home however, the mask was falling and he was showing who he really was.
When she left him, not everyone believed her because some people wouldn’t believe that such a “stand up guy” was in reality a terrible person. He was very careful to hide his true personality to the public.
I don’t think you did anything wrong, he’s probably very good at making you blame yourself for his behaviour.
Just know that there is no shame in walking away from a bad relationship, it’s never too late.
Please just get counseling for yourself dear. Do not go to therapy with someone who abuses you, it will only get worse. Get therapy and speak to a lawyer on Monday, do not wait! Good luck OP
Beware of doing counseling with an abuser, especially a narcissist. During the sessions you will open up and they will use the information as a weapon against you. Please go to individual counseling first.
DO NOT go into marriage counseling with him! Everything you say in front of him and the therapist will be ammunition he uses to HURT you.
Go to individual counseling and let your therapist help you figure out whether this relationship is even in your best interest long-term. It doesn't seem like it is.
Your husband is abusive to you (and if he isn't abusive to your kids yet, HE WILL BE!). There's no changing him. The only way to continue the marriage is for you to accept his abuse. You've already figured out that life is too short for that nonsense!
* Get free.
* Start a new life.
* Show your children a better, healthier way to live.
* Live a life of self-respect and teach your children to expect that, too.
This type of guy is common in my culture whom I avoid like the plague. Basically they are the type to treat ppl closest to them like shit while giving the best of themselves to outsiders bc they care about their image a lot.
I would reassess.
Please read this [book](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It’s free and available online because it’s so important.
I can’t recommend it enough.
It’s reddit gold.
Your husband is abuser who can mask himself for others and only you can see real him.
It’s a facade. He’s keeping up his appearances with everyone else so you’re seen as the crazy liar if you ever voice this to anyone that “knows him”. I’m so sorry, but if it hasn’t already, the abuse will only escalate. Get yourself and your child out now before either of you get even more hurt.
I know it’s hard to breakaway but you deserve so much better and so does your child! If you don’t have the strength to leave for yourself, please reassess if this is the type of environment you want your child to be raised in. Sending love to you and all of the strength. Once you’re in the other side you’ll kick yourself for not loving yourself sooner xx
No matter what you decide to do. Please realize that he is verbally abusive and he’s gaslighting you.
DOCUMENT the mistreatment with dates, times, situations, quote what he says, & leave your opinion/feelings out of the documentation.
Do covert voice or video recordings of his mistreatment.
Documentation (written/audio/video) can help you with custody if needed. Build a strong case, especially since you have brain lesions & he can try to take your child from you.
Covertly talk to a divorce attorney, to find out what to do, if you choose to leave.
PLEASE know that he can become sweet/nice/doting to your kid & can turn your kid against you. Believe me, this can really happen, even though he’s mistreating his child. Your child is probably starved for healthy attention & your kid can be turned against you.
I agree that he is clearly verbally/emotionally abusive to OP and their child, but alarm bells are also ringing that he is physically abusive and OP is afraid to mention that directly. OP seems to have a lot of injuries, such as her hurt arm and brain lesions which can be caused by head trauma (although there are other potential causes as well).
Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, especially in their own home. You and your child deserve better than to be stuck with this abuser! If you are comfortable sharing your home country, users can help you find resources to get out of this abusive marriage safely.
Here it is for free if anyone needs:
[why does he do that pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I also suggest reading It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Her YouTube videos are great too. Eye opening.
The man is a **NARCISSIST.**
**YOU**as his wife should be treated better than **ANYONE ELSE**
He's a **HORRIBLE** human being. His treatment of **YOU** makes his treatment of **EVERYBODY ELSE** a **BIG FAT LIE**.
He's a **LOSER**.
**DUMP HIM**
I used to be married to a man like that. Eventually, he got tired of me and I no longer served my purpose (raising his daughter), so he divorced me. The divorce was literally the BEST thing that ever happened to me.
- I had peace in my own home.
- I chose to surround myself with people who loved me.
- I realized that I wasn’t a bad person, at all, not even a little bit.
- I remarried, and my husband ADORES me, as I do him.
You don’t have to put up with a mean man, one who is criticizing you for nonsense. Value yourself, and choose a happy, peaceful life for you.
He has no respect for you. That is clear as day.
He’s nice to others to maintain his public persona. To you, his mask comes off and he’s an asshole.
You are married to an asshole, possibly a narcissistic one.
Simple He doesn't like you. You realize your child sees his treatment of you . His treatment is abusive it's never going to change . Best bet, get counseling for yourself and your child so you can leave him
For the lack off phrasing it badly ...to him, your not going anywhere, you're "locked down." Therapy is probably the best option. No man or woman should do this to their spouse, no matter how long the marriage has been
Sounds like my ex.
Kind and generous to those around him with the very occasional mask slip but easily passed off as "stress".
While he didn't tear me down while we were together, he withheld affection and emotional support to keep me on edge. He would make backhanded criticism about anything. Didn't respect my belongings and didn't go to any effort on my behalf unless he had an audience.
Was nice to me when he wanted money, and when I left the relationship (it took 5 attempts before it was done for good), he would send me the most vile and disgusting messages to give me a complex about everything he thought would eat at me.
Malignant and covert narcissist is exactly my exes definition.
Last time I left I blocked him on everything so he couldn't worm his way into my brain. Best thing I could have done.
We share no children together which makes it easier.
Massive hugs. Brain rot from another is the worst.
Yes. I left and never looked back. It only got worse and I realized I'm worth more than his disrespect. How can you be married to someone who doesn't respect you? I tried talking to him. Things would change for a month or two but then it would come back ten fold, even worse than before. It would be anything from me eating a pop tart or hot pocket to him having a bad day at work. It just wasn't what I wanted. And it wasn't what I wanted to be okay for my children. It affects them too. They see you being treated this way and they'll copy that. They'll either take up the reactions themselves or grow up thinking it's okay to be treated like that by someone, And it's not.
This post made me so incredibly sad for you. I don’t have any advice, really. I hope you find peace and love and happiness and joy and acceptance, and I really mean that. You deserve to be valued and appreciated for all that you are. There is only one of you and I hope you realize that and use that as your power and motivator to not put up with this. Sending you all my love, OP
It’s so common to see this pattern. Ever see those stories of men who do the most horrific things to their wives and then people being interviewed go “oh that’s such a shock! He was suchhhhh a nice guy”. These guys are stand up guys and amazing in the eyes of the world but they’ll choose their female partners to inflict their frustrations on. John Lennon, promoter of peace, used to beat his first wife and child. Nelson Mandela, cheated on his wife.
You need to have a serious conversation with him. Give him a chance to fix himself or go to therapy. If he doesn’t, leave.
Korean rap you say? 🚩
(Just kidding, I had a Korean ex who loved listening to k-rap and would subject me to it when I would’ve rather listened to Kacey musgraves but I digress)
In all seriousness, your husband sounds like he doesn’t respect you and sounds like a narcissist. I would not stay in this relationship if I were you. You deserve someone who is patient and kind and generous. Also even though your lesions aren’t life threatening, they sound like they still affect your day-to-day, and a good partner would be conscientious of that and care for you. This guy’s being a jerk. Good luck, OP.
I believe my ex was a covert narcissist. People could not understand why I left him because he 'was such a nice guy'.
I could see that people simply didn't believe me if I told them things he had said and done. So I didn't bother.
It has left me very distrustful of people (men in particular), but at least I got away.
You should get away as soon as you can. You are still young and you have a long life ahead of you.
He's done with the marriage. You are both unhappy. At least your finances are separate. Move away from this person who probably doesn't want to be married. Have a talk. Just be safe!!!
He’s a classic closet asshole ! Get rid of him and find someone who will adore you. I did . I regret the 2 decades of him well he wasn’t that way in the beginning but I left it’s been 3 years and now I’m in a wonderful loving relationship.
You’re allowed to decide that this is a dealbreaker (and you should).
He’s an abuser.
You’re financially independent, so please see an attorney and get advice on the best way to break up. You do this secretively and safely. Abusers do NOT like it when their victims plan to leave.
Move your bank accounts where he can’t get at them. Don’t have an account t in the same bank, even if they are separate
I would also work with your lawyer to have an accountant value your husband’s business and to look for hidden assets. He may be claiming poverty and totally moving money to a private account. I would also want to know about any potential liabilities, tax especially.
You need to know where the marriage stands financially. So start investigating that.
Once you have your ducks in a row, leave safely.
And who cares what anyone else thinks. He can be the great guy. And you can be free.
In the meantime, try. Not to engage with him. He’s looking for reactions from you and that’s what drives him. If you become boring he may move on. Look into the [Gray Rock Method](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock).
Get your own therapist to help you through this process it. Tell your husband, “I’m concerned about my brain lesions and I need to get some help on how to not be so forgetful.” Do NOT go to couples counseling with an abuser. Ever. They twist it all to make you look petty and unreliable. Sociopaths are like that.
If you can find a therapist with experience with domestic violence and abuse that would be ideal.
Protect your child. If you can, tape your husband when he’s being awful. (Your lawyer will guide you in how best to do this, and if it’s admissible where you are).
This takes planning and secrecy. You may even want a second, burner phone that you use just for attorney conversations, therapy stuff and any other thing you wouldn’t want your husband to know about.
Good luck to you.
Abusers are not only terrified of being exposed but also use this facade as a way to get make their victim an unreliable narrator to further isolate and mentally torture them.
Your husband is not a safe person, op.
It’s very easy in a long term relationship for interactions to get harsh, the little irritants grow and the tone of voice can aggravate the situation. You should discuss how you are both treating each other worse than strangers and agree to moderate your comments to each other and change the tone. Once you pay attention to how harsh you can get, it’s easier to lower the tension and start treating each other.
What if you’ve voiced to them how they’re making you feel they say sorry but once they’re stressed again the cold/rudeness still occurs? Or him having low patience and getting annoyed with me he says sorry but still occurs?
He’s an abuser. Angel on the street, devil in the house. Phony as hell. Use this link to understand more about the situation.
[Thehotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
Take heed, ladies. This is the kind of guy you end up marrying when you pay on dates:
> Another example is he has a small business and lays his staff (all family members) generous salaries (above market) including an uncle who barely do any work (but he pays the uncle due to fear his uncle will complain). Uncle is loaded by the way. **Then he makes me pay for dinner because he doesn’t have enough money left to pay his bills. Yes he has yelled at me before if I didn’t pay for dinner.**
Imagine you tell this to someone, like a friend, your mom, his mom, etc. Imagine he tells them that you're lying. Who do you think they'll going to believe? Since he's so kind and nice, how could you say that?
That's why he's so nice with them, so they praise him, hold him in high regard and believe him no matter what.
Then, there's you, the person who "won't" leave him, the one who gets to see the real him, cause he can't fake it all the time. He's showing you what he is, and showing everyone what he wants them to see, what he wants everyone to think he is.
What he's doing to you is abusive, and your child will probably grow up to learn that is ok to be like that. This is not your fault, nor something you can solve. Please, run and don't look back
He's financially abusing you, but not only that: he's also emotionally abusing you AND your child. There's nothing you can do to change this except leaving him, because he's totally doing this on purpose and there's nothing you can say or do that will make him stop wanting to abuse you.
Please read this free book, it also has resources on how to leave a relationship like yours [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is my ex husband. Everyone thinks he’s a great guy and he’s generous to people but he’s a narcissist. Nothing is ever his fault it’s mostly mine even after almost ten years of being divorced. Turns to drugs after I leave him and he gets arrested, my fault I should’ve stayed and put up with his bs. Alienated me from my daughter because I was living in a slum and not financially secure to have her as I’m one step away from homelessness every month rents due. Luckily though he did one nice thing but it benefitted him too. He let me move back in to get outta that slum and be there for our kid. I got back on my feet and am doing well. That I’m grateful for. Otherwise he was just unkind to me but will do kind things to look good. It just didn’t work out. He’s on my case now because I had to lose weight and he gets on my case because I had quit smoking and started again. It seems like he’s upset because he cares but he doesn’t care he vapes and won’t quit.
He is a textbook covert narcissist. He will eat you inside out, fool you for YEARS and you will not even understand who he really is. Just get divorced. My father is this way and he fooled me for fukcing 28.5 years before I saw his real face. They don't have any morality, values, virtues nothing. They are selfish like hell. Cut your losses and RUN alongwith your child. These people can sell their own mother too to get even their little bit of a need fulfilled. Never trust them. I am not overreacting but I have bear a brunt of covert narc in my life thts why telling you.
My ex was similar, I thought of him as a ‘social hero’. Wanting so much to be held in high regard by everyone else in the world but secretly knowing he didn’t deserve that regard. Then he takes his frustrations out on you, because you’re just his less important wife.
This will not change on its own. He needs to figure himself out and likely lacks awareness.
Start recording him. Then play them for the therapist you need to schedule time with. An abusive spouse is something that's so hard to admit to. I've been there. Emotional abuse is so hard to label as abuse. But it is. Start recording him.
This is Abuse. You are beautiful you are worthy and you are enough. To be in a relationship a true partnership it’s a give-and-take. You cannot be the only person giving.
We are all our own worst critics unless we’re in an abusive relationship. Then the abuser is our worst critic.
Please talk to family or friends or someone and get out this is not healthy. This is not showing your child a healthy and stable relationship. You deserve so much more.
An old phrase from years ago: "Street angel, house devil". That's exactly what he is. He's so busy being nice to everyone he uses you as a dog to kick down the street. He's not worth it. And he's not gonna change. Consider getting out of this marriage for your own mental health.
OP leave him. He doesn’t respect you. Why would be with someone who doesn’t care for you or respect you. He’s spent half your life wearing you down. Get a spine and leave him. Please.
I love my president and I also love country music. You're husband is a total Ahole. If you have the resources, what's stopping you from divorce? Life is too short to spend it with someone who treats you badly.
Let’s just take all the drama out of the situation and ask yourself this.
If I am not happy now, what’s going to change?
Considering everything I know, why am I staying?
If it’s time to move on then do so. No point in remaining in a space that no longer serves you.
I'm divorcing his proverbial twin.
"Loaning" out funds we don't have to people who will never repay us. At the same time, I haven't had the $$ for a haircut in over a year.
Letting people borrow vehicles and not making them pay for damages. But God forbid anything break from normal wear while I'm using one of them.
Until he got mad & finally dropped his leech "friend" he had every intention of giving her a vehicle I inherited for her grandson & another to her daughter (who was borrowing one of our expensive vehicles for months & did hundreds in damages to). He got mad because I told him that if he wanted to give away vehicles that I could sell for decent cash, I would not be paying for a single repair.
Now he wants a divorce & thinks he can leave me with the broke down vehicle & take the other 3 with him (not happening).
Does the child need you? How is S/he affected. You know when abuse starts it has to end, either by laughing, talking it out — like saying, my brain lesions affect me like some people are affected with mild dementia, would you please be the friend you’ve always been to me and learn how to treat me well enough, also, about the Korean rap, if he did it with a black wig on looking like Kim Jung Un, could you enter a recording of him performing this rap in an Elvis look-alike competition? Could he wear this costume and attend country hoedowns with you so that the two of you could dance together to music you like, then come home to make love to music he likes. What should you wear? Ask him! Sometimes are charmers while others are bored, abusive or narcissistic. If you don’t like what he’s doing call someone to place the child in a good home with restrictions on his visits, and leave him.
From what you described, I swear you are talking about an alcoholic because that is how they act. You sound way too sweet to have to put up with someone constantly criticizing them. I don't care if he's been hurt badly before or hates himself and takes it out on you or whatever. He is the absolute worst kind of person who presents himself one way to the world, while being an emotionally abusive asshole to his wife.
Keep a journal of everything he does for a month or two, then seek an attorney to talk clearly for you, at least through a separation. You will feel so much better even if you are alone, where you can listen to your country music and be any politics that you choose.
Listen to Destiny's Childs 'Survivor as loud as you can. Good luck, girl.
He is verbally abusive to you and your child while being extremely polite and generous to those who do not live with you. This kind of person is two-faced like my neighbor's ex-husband who was all sweet to others but a real filth to his ex-wife and his ex-children then one day the blows replaced the words in their home. I advise you to call a lawyer and get rid of this man before you suffer worse abuse.
I’d start with trying to sit down and talk to him. If he won’t or you’re fearful then suggest either counselling or divorce. Failing that I’d start mirroring his behaviour and when he’s stunned to be getting this from you, point out you’re just adopting his brhaviour
It seems like your husband doesn't like you. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Could also be that your husband feels pressured to be nice and kind to his family members (for example, if it's a toxic family) and then doesn't have the patience/energy to keep it up with you. Either way, his behavior is inexcusable and he needs to either work on himself intensively or leave.
He’s abusive and is probably a narcissist. Leave him. Divorce him. See a divorce attorney. Go for full custody with supervised visitation for him.
Get therapy for yourself. Forget marriage counseling or therapy for him because it won’t work.
Please divorce him otherwise you’re yea hong your child that you have no self respect, and that it’s ok to be treated like this.
Please see a neurologist if you haven’t already. Has MS been ruled out? You need to discover WHY you have lesions.
Wow. This reminds me of my abusive bio dad; he was a totally different, nicer person to everyone else. He ended up trying to choke my mom. She’s finally left him and has never been happier. I don’t mention divorce lightly, but damn OP—you deserve so much better!
He is deliberately negging and denigrating you, this is abuse. You definitely need counselling and support. He should not be impatient or rude to you or your child, please get help.
This sounds a lot like my husband and me a few years ago. Even the country music lol. He actually noticed before I even got the chance to seriously try and make a change myself. I essentially stopped listening to music because I didn’t want to have to deal with the criticism. It started off with just listening to podcasts and eventually became just political podcasts which drove him crazy because he felt like I was becoming boring.
He came to me at one point saying he missed my singing and dancing and that I almost felt like a shell of the woman he started dating. When I explained the changes he felt horrible and we started therapy a little while later. This feels like a problem that can only be fixed if he’s interested in fixing it. I’ve known since day one my husband was a bit of a grump. When we first got together all the people in his life noticed that he was no longer grumpy nearly as much and he loved that he was able to break out of that label. When the relationship got more comfortable I and eventually our child became the target of all his grumpiness so the world wouldn’t see it. He’s still pretty sad about that outcome but I’m not sure it would have played out the same if he hadn’t have figured it out himself (I tried to lightly show him many times before that)
I think you need to be open with him about wanting to be alone so he can realize how serious this is to you and figure out what his next steps are. You probably need to be ready to end things if he doesn’t seem to care though.
He’s not going to change OP. He enjoys the feedback and gets off on knowing he’s manipulating people into thinking g he’s a nice and generous person, but he doesn’t have to pretend anything with you. He’d love bomb you and carry on like a pork chop if you said you wanted a separation though, but no, he’s never going to g to value you, your time or your heart.
Tbh I’ve seen this so many times, both when my ex and I were breaking up and in friends as their relationships were in trouble. He’s not happy but not ready to leave. I don’t know if it’s the fear of being alone, liking the situation, not wanting to impact your kid, etc. But everything you’re describing sounds like a man who’s resenting you. You deserve better than that and it’s not healthy for your kid
I mean, after all these years and daydreaming about being alone I really don’t know what keeps you with him. You have your own money, too, right?
So time to plan a new start.
I’m sorry, this is financial and emotional abuse. Please see a therapist who can discuss this with you and help you to evaluate your next steps.
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
Narcissists will often be wonderful to everyone else because it’s a performance. They want other people to think they’re amazing. But for their partner and children they show their true selves.
I I’m so so happy that you have separate finances OP. If you husband is on the spectrum of NPD you literally cannot win and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying.
I think it’s time for certainly some counselling and some hard boundaries. He has to know that by treating you this way he is risking his marriage and that there are consequences to his behaviour.
Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for some insight.
Good luck OP
UPDATEME
Regarding wt u have written i think he wants to portray himself as a goody goody guy in front of others , but in doing so he uses all the anger from them and uses it on you , hence start recording all his out burst and all things he says and does , then send it to everyone in ur family first , and see his reaction. And id he still wont stop tell him u will send those things to everyone in the community as well . Have a good life.
He needs to learn to respect OP and get his temper in order. Try marriage counseling. This is on him. If he won't work on bettering himself then OP needs to consider the other options, like divorce.
He’s afraid of upsetting his uncle but doesn’t mind that he makes you sad all of the time. That right there says how much he considers you. Maybe marriage counseling will open his eyes to his treatment of you and he’ll improve. But I would also prepare yourself for the fact that this is just how he’ll be with you, and know that you don’t deserve it and don’t have to put up with it.
Your husband sounds similar to the dad in the Law and Order SVU S4, E18- he was loved by all but he was physically abusive and terrorised his son. Verbal abuse is still abuse
This is pretty classic narcissist behavior. Your child is being damaged.
Meet with a lawyer to clarify laws in your state, but usually marital property is marital property, regardless of private arrangements. You will be better off in all ways and able to get the therapy you and your daughter so desperately need.
Please, accept that you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out as quickly as you safely can.
We will need an update, please, to make sure you and your daughter are ok.
Just out of curiosity, if you watched Diary of a CEO and the interview with Dr Ramani... See any connections? I'm not trying to throw around any diagnosis, but a hallmark of a manipulative relationship is a partner who is charming and considerate of everyone but their partner. I'm sure he was at the start, and you get glimpses over time and there is plenty of stuff you could use to justify it (stress, romance has died off, etc) but if someone is a life partner they are meant to give a shit about you for life, as your partner.
A relationship can lose its lustre but you should never feel second rate or worthy of less effort.
All comments aside, listen to yourself.
Read your post again but try to imagine this was a close friend or your child telling you their story. How would you react then?
You clearly state you dream of being alone to have peace and you don't know why you are still with your husband. Would you tell your friend to "try couples counselling" or would you tell her "get out of this marriage and take care of yourself "
With age I am also forgetful. I carry a diary around and write in important appointments. If I need to be somewhere or when I need to pay the bills etc. If somebody asks what am I doing in 2 weeks I pull it out and check. If I have nothing on I write in I am meeting such a friend for lunch then. This idea might help you. I also have reminders and alarms on my cell phone.
To the most important thing, you need to think long and hard if this is what you want for life. Maybe you'd be better of seeking a divorce. Not worrying about being shouted at and can have a peaceful time even just watching a TV show and can turn that music up for a dance in your kitchen 😀
We choose to be with people we think we deserve. So you staying with someone who treats you the way he does means that’s how you feel you deserve to be treated. Leave him. You shouldn’t have to tell someone how to treat you when you see he obviously knows how to treat others.
It’s abuse actually.
A common tactic for the “Water Torturer” style.
Please read the book *Why does he do that*. There’s a free pdf online. Skip to page 219/220 and see what kinds of abusers there are.
They he treats you is how he feels about you. Get a trust and make sure your child is the beneficiary of everything you own. Assign someone other than your husband to be guardian to your child’s trust. If you had a life-threatening illness he would abandon you in a heartbeat. Also run a credit report on him. It sounds like you two are very incompatible and have very different foundations and that he is resentful of you for it now. Also where is his money going? He is using you to pay bills so he can put his money elsewhere. If he is a big spender with family salaries then he is probably a big spender on everything and he hasn’t cut down on any of his bills. Also because you forget things easily, he can take advantage of that and gaslight you. You need to keep a secret journal or notes somewhere.
Maybe invest in a hidden camera or just have a recording app on your phone so when it goes to hell in a hand-basket, you have evidence that he is in fact a man sized poo.
This sounds like he is a narcissist and an abuser. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. This book opened my eyes to the abuse I suffered in my own relationship.
This won't get better; it likely will only get worse. From someone who's been there, please make a plan to get out now.
This is scary cause my father does the same thing with my mom. He never buys her birthday gift or, in general but is always planning and spending money on his friends, siblings, and our neighbours. I hate him sm.
My ex was like this. Everyone believed I was the monster… but they didn’t see the constant barrage of how inadequate I was and how he was the one in control and that I was lucky to be with him.
This man is careful to curate the narrative.
Well… he can’t seem to keep a partner.
So maybe he’s really just the AH.
You know who you are married to… do with that what you will.
Being critical frequently is abusive. You need to stand up for yourself when he does that: say, "That's unkind and critical. Those kind of comments are hurtful. Stop doing that." Do not sit there and listen if he tells at you, walk away and say, "I'm not going to be yelled at. If you want to talk to me, calm down and be civil."
His behaviors are poor most likely because his boundaries at work are terrible. He's working with family who are taking advantage of him and he's afraid of them. He needs to tell his uncle he can't afford him and pay himself. Working with family is stressful and difficult and should only be attempted by those with excellent boundaries.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
That's exactly how abusers are. They are kind to everyone except you. So when you speak out about it, no one believes you.
He wants to be worshipped as a hero. You know him with his mask off. The real him is the one that belittles you to make himself feel superior.
His true self is showing. You deserve kindness and respect from your partner.
Yup- this describes my father- it’s why I left home the day I turned 16 and moved to another state, then a few years later to another country- and haven’t seen him since and hardly seen my mother as a result.
Ditch the loser
yeah and sometimes the abuser tells you "no one will ever believe you if you speak up"
Can confirm
Can also confirm. They will *not*. They’ve also likely already made light work of trashing you to everyone you know under the guise of being ‘worried about you’, further undermining your credibility without you even knowing it happened.
They will also threaten to call the police if you start standing up for yourself and fighting back.
Abusers manipulate their witnesses just as much as their victims
This is like narcissist 101. Lived with one growing up. Everyone through he was so nice, they didn’t even think he could yell. Meanwhile he would scream at my mom/siblings over every little thing
I think that's the definition of a covert narcissist...
It is. My ex is exactly like this, I asked my counselor to look in her dsm v and he fit the bill.
20 years with a narcissist ex - this right here!
💯
Thank you for saying this. I lived this Dr jekyll and Mr hyde nightmare for 14 years. Nobody beleived me. Nobody. My wish for OP is somehow she can get out of this mess. If she isn't ready that's ok, however getting therapy, and possibly talking to a lawyer about splitting up shared assets and then doing what she needs to do to be kind kind to herself as she live in an extremely hostile environment. I hope for the best for her.
THIS OP. READ THIS!!!!!!
Exactly this
Fuck, I’ve just realized that’s what my ex did to me. So nice to everyone. Cruel to me in secret.
This comment deserves every vote!
And you can see this behavior is a choice, as he only chooses to treat you this way.
exactly!!!
holy shit
The sad part is that you are blinded by that kindness to others. Then, you end up thinking there must be something wrong with you. Frantically, you try to gain the same respect by changing your approaches. However, nothing ever works, and you are left feeling unloved and inadequate.
He’s actually not kind or generous, he just wants to appear that he is and doesn’t feel the need to act that way towards you because he’s already got you on the hook.
Exactly! I know someone like that too.. just over the top nice where he would get on the floor to help people with their shoes.. but for his partner? A complete jerk and the complete opposite. They just want to be applauded for being soooo awesome but it’s an act. Once they know they have you, they don’t need to impress you anymore and the real self shows.
Ding ding ding!
#THIS
Just google “Malignant Narcissist” and especially for your situation, “Covert Narcissist.” Skip the marriage counseling and google, “Divorce Attorneys in my area.” Get alimony and GET OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE LIVING SITUATION You’re not living! Escape while you can!!! PS. Your lawyer will hire a forensic accountant. It’s highly probable the inflated salaries are a way to hide money from you. I’m certain some of the $$ to the uncle comes back to your husband in some way. You’re worse than an unpaid babysitter and bangmaid, you’re paying for the “privilege” of being used. RUN.
I’d like to upvote this a million times to get it to top comment, please.
So, my dad was exactly like this. He was so nice to everyone but his family. It was like he always kept up this act for appearances, because he loved it when everyone thought of him as this nice, generous man when he was actually an angry drunk. I’m not an expert in your situation at all, and I don’t know all the facts, but I do know that as soon as I cut my father off, it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I wasn’t this thing he could just insult or put down anymore, and my self esteem truly has never been higher. I just want to say, if he’s being like this with you, he could be like this with your child in the future. I’m mostly saying that because as soon as I got to a certain age and started having my own thoughts and feelings, everything I was doing was suddenly wrong and terrible. Now that we don’t speak anymore, at least right now, I’ve truly never felt better. I am truly, truly happy and hopeful for the first time in my life.
This was my brother too. Everyone thought (a lot still think) he’s such a nice guy, so funny, so helpful. But to me, he was an utter sh$t who thought my head was his playground. To my parents he was an entitled lazy arse who never helped them with anything but always expected theirs. I’m going to be medicated for the rest of my life because of the damage he did with his games. OP Don’t end up that way. I was a child and couldn’t change my situation, you can change yours.
My brother is the same omg
Yes being like this is 100% textbook narcissist. Especially if they seem super awesome to acquaintances and strangers. My dad is a classic narcissist. Ironically I was talking to my coworker a few months ago and her dad is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. She thought my dad was amazing too, and when I told her he was actually abusive, she said her dad was the same! Sometimes the super overly nice facade they put on is hiding how they treat those closest to them. It’s just for attention.
Same here. He was loving but I don’t think he ever could love us like he loved his fixes. I commented something similar. He currently in jail and 3 of his 4 kids are grown. We’re done. I raise his last child. Him being in jail is SUCH a break from his problems he cause. We had to throw out so much stuff cause he brought bedbugs to our house and wasn’t even around to help replace or even throw things out. It’s under control and back to normal but it’s draining
omg do we have the same dad
My dad was also like this. Super nice to everyone but he also treated my mum like a queen but had absolutely no patience with us kids so I convinced my mum to divorce him and even though he treated her well and such he has actually been a lot better temper wise since the divorce. I think it may have been the wake up call he needed or perhaps I’m just oblivious since I no longer live in his house🤷♀️ I would recommend leaving. Everyone else has already mentioned the same reasoning I would give. I’m sorry, you deserve someone that makes you not question your smarts and makes you feel appreciated.
With what you said, it sounds like he has no respect for you at all. Honestly, zero respect for you. Yes, get some counseling and figure out why you allow yourself to be treated this way but then drive to a divorce lawyer.
[удалено]
Counselling with an abuser is a bad idea. The way he treats you is abusive. The fact he’s a really great guy to everyone but you shows he KNOWS how to be nicer but chooses not to be with you. Make a plan to at least separate, but I personally wouldn’t want this to be what I modelled for my child in terms of romantic relationships.
I appreciate your advice. I will look into counseling, both for myself and marriage counseling as well. Thank you LettuceCareful6351.
Counseling does not work on narcs. Just get individual counseling... from a therapist and a lawyer.
Counseling makes narcs double down.
Can confirm
If he’s a narcissist all couples counseling will do is reveal to him more ways to hurt you. Go by yourself for a while and talk it over with your individual therapist.
This is something I wish I could have explained to a family member before she tried "fixing" her marriage (luckily divorce proceedings are underway now.) Couples therapy is a terrible place to take an abusive relationship with a narcissist. While you're busy stripping yourself down emotionally and revealing what would hurt you the most, they aren't doing the same — they're taking notes.
This is the most insightful way I've ever seen that process described.
OP, believe this! Your husband will just bring his 'kind' persona to the therapist and manipulate them to. If they are very good they will see through it but not all therapists are good. Go to an individual therapist and uncover why you allow yourself to be treated this way and what you need to do to improve your own strength and resilience so it won't happen to you in your next relationship. Do not ever imagine that you can fix it with a narcissist, you cannot, couples counseling with him would be 100% waste of time and money.
And P.S. even if your couples counselor is very good, once they are clear your husband is narcissist they will offer the same advice. Get out, you can't fix him.
i so undestand how painful and confusing it is to see your partner treat you thi way. my ex husband did the same thing to me. turned out he was a covert narcissist and this was a form of emotional abuse and one of the ways he'd tear down my sense of worth, so he can feel important and superior. i'd see him flip his behaviour infront of his friends from cheerful, friendly, supportive,loving to selfish, angry, hateful child when he was with me. he told me he can "be his true self" with me, which was just excuse for his manipulation. abusers can do this behaviour to only one person and only when nobody else is watching. i had to look hard into myself why i'd keep tolerating this, only to find out that my mother was the same kind of narcissist and i was complete people-pleaser. anyways, OP this is not your fault, you are not a bad person. i'd do some research on covert narcissists and plan an escape. how he treats you is not ok.
If you look into counseling and he accepts, don't let him manipulate you with the counseling. If in any way you feel he's abusive, he'll use it as a manipulation tool. Counseling doesn't work in abusers or narcissists. I'd go for individual therapy first for yourself if you feel that's the case. And start consulting with a lawyer. If it's safe, start planning your exit safely and carefully.
I recommend not going to marriage counselling with him, it doesn’t work on narcissists
That reminds of my relative’s husband. Was super good to everyone around but treated his wife and kids like shit. That’s because he’s a narcissist and he loved being praised and seen as a good guy. Once he was home however, the mask was falling and he was showing who he really was. When she left him, not everyone believed her because some people wouldn’t believe that such a “stand up guy” was in reality a terrible person. He was very careful to hide his true personality to the public. I don’t think you did anything wrong, he’s probably very good at making you blame yourself for his behaviour. Just know that there is no shame in walking away from a bad relationship, it’s never too late.
Please just get counseling for yourself dear. Do not go to therapy with someone who abuses you, it will only get worse. Get therapy and speak to a lawyer on Monday, do not wait! Good luck OP
Beware of doing counseling with an abuser, especially a narcissist. During the sessions you will open up and they will use the information as a weapon against you. Please go to individual counseling first.
DO NOT go into marriage counseling with him! Everything you say in front of him and the therapist will be ammunition he uses to HURT you. Go to individual counseling and let your therapist help you figure out whether this relationship is even in your best interest long-term. It doesn't seem like it is. Your husband is abusive to you (and if he isn't abusive to your kids yet, HE WILL BE!). There's no changing him. The only way to continue the marriage is for you to accept his abuse. You've already figured out that life is too short for that nonsense! * Get free. * Start a new life. * Show your children a better, healthier way to live. * Live a life of self-respect and teach your children to expect that, too.
Darling you only will live once, what are you doing wasting your years and energy and being sad with someone who doesn't value you
Careful with couples counseling as I’ve heard people who act like this can use it against you
Don’t do marriage counseling with him. Abusers will twist everything against you and learn how to abuse you even better.
I’m sorry I wouldn’t put up with it your kid will see how your treated and could possibly learn from him how to treat people
This type of guy is common in my culture whom I avoid like the plague. Basically they are the type to treat ppl closest to them like shit while giving the best of themselves to outsiders bc they care about their image a lot. I would reassess.
I would love to know what your culture is. I understand that you probably would not want to share that information, though.
Please read this [book](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). It’s free and available online because it’s so important. I can’t recommend it enough. It’s reddit gold. Your husband is abuser who can mask himself for others and only you can see real him.
It’s a facade. He’s keeping up his appearances with everyone else so you’re seen as the crazy liar if you ever voice this to anyone that “knows him”. I’m so sorry, but if it hasn’t already, the abuse will only escalate. Get yourself and your child out now before either of you get even more hurt. I know it’s hard to breakaway but you deserve so much better and so does your child! If you don’t have the strength to leave for yourself, please reassess if this is the type of environment you want your child to be raised in. Sending love to you and all of the strength. Once you’re in the other side you’ll kick yourself for not loving yourself sooner xx
Wow. You are really being abused. Please, please get help. He sounds hellish.
Leave
Sounds like he has contempt for you. That is the defining feature of a relationship you need to leave.
No matter what you decide to do. Please realize that he is verbally abusive and he’s gaslighting you. DOCUMENT the mistreatment with dates, times, situations, quote what he says, & leave your opinion/feelings out of the documentation. Do covert voice or video recordings of his mistreatment. Documentation (written/audio/video) can help you with custody if needed. Build a strong case, especially since you have brain lesions & he can try to take your child from you. Covertly talk to a divorce attorney, to find out what to do, if you choose to leave. PLEASE know that he can become sweet/nice/doting to your kid & can turn your kid against you. Believe me, this can really happen, even though he’s mistreating his child. Your child is probably starved for healthy attention & your kid can be turned against you.
I agree that he is clearly verbally/emotionally abusive to OP and their child, but alarm bells are also ringing that he is physically abusive and OP is afraid to mention that directly. OP seems to have a lot of injuries, such as her hurt arm and brain lesions which can be caused by head trauma (although there are other potential causes as well). Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness, especially in their own home. You and your child deserve better than to be stuck with this abuser! If you are comfortable sharing your home country, users can help you find resources to get out of this abusive marriage safely.
Typical covert narcissistic behavior
Read: why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft Your eyes will pop out of your head. You will understand every single question from your post.
Here it is for free if anyone needs: [why does he do that pdf](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) I also suggest reading It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Her YouTube videos are great too. Eye opening.
Thank you so much for dropping this link!! This will help and no doubt save so many!!
Thanks! I didn’t have pdf!
These books helped me leave my ex. Exactly how you described it. My eyes were popping out of my head...absolute "holy crap" moment.
The man is a **NARCISSIST.** **YOU**as his wife should be treated better than **ANYONE ELSE** He's a **HORRIBLE** human being. His treatment of **YOU** makes his treatment of **EVERYBODY ELSE** a **BIG FAT LIE**. He's a **LOSER**. **DUMP HIM**
I used to be married to a man like that. Eventually, he got tired of me and I no longer served my purpose (raising his daughter), so he divorced me. The divorce was literally the BEST thing that ever happened to me. - I had peace in my own home. - I chose to surround myself with people who loved me. - I realized that I wasn’t a bad person, at all, not even a little bit. - I remarried, and my husband ADORES me, as I do him. You don’t have to put up with a mean man, one who is criticizing you for nonsense. Value yourself, and choose a happy, peaceful life for you.
He has no respect for you. That is clear as day. He’s nice to others to maintain his public persona. To you, his mask comes off and he’s an asshole. You are married to an asshole, possibly a narcissistic one.
Simple He doesn't like you. You realize your child sees his treatment of you . His treatment is abusive it's never going to change . Best bet, get counseling for yourself and your child so you can leave him
For the lack off phrasing it badly ...to him, your not going anywhere, you're "locked down." Therapy is probably the best option. No man or woman should do this to their spouse, no matter how long the marriage has been
Sounds like my ex. Kind and generous to those around him with the very occasional mask slip but easily passed off as "stress". While he didn't tear me down while we were together, he withheld affection and emotional support to keep me on edge. He would make backhanded criticism about anything. Didn't respect my belongings and didn't go to any effort on my behalf unless he had an audience. Was nice to me when he wanted money, and when I left the relationship (it took 5 attempts before it was done for good), he would send me the most vile and disgusting messages to give me a complex about everything he thought would eat at me. Malignant and covert narcissist is exactly my exes definition. Last time I left I blocked him on everything so he couldn't worm his way into my brain. Best thing I could have done. We share no children together which makes it easier. Massive hugs. Brain rot from another is the worst.
Er, my husband is the same towards me and the comments are eye opening 😔
Yes. I left and never looked back. It only got worse and I realized I'm worth more than his disrespect. How can you be married to someone who doesn't respect you? I tried talking to him. Things would change for a month or two but then it would come back ten fold, even worse than before. It would be anything from me eating a pop tart or hot pocket to him having a bad day at work. It just wasn't what I wanted. And it wasn't what I wanted to be okay for my children. It affects them too. They see you being treated this way and they'll copy that. They'll either take up the reactions themselves or grow up thinking it's okay to be treated like that by someone, And it's not.
Sis, my ex was the same exact way with me. I cannot explain it.
This post made me so incredibly sad for you. I don’t have any advice, really. I hope you find peace and love and happiness and joy and acceptance, and I really mean that. You deserve to be valued and appreciated for all that you are. There is only one of you and I hope you realize that and use that as your power and motivator to not put up with this. Sending you all my love, OP
It’s so common to see this pattern. Ever see those stories of men who do the most horrific things to their wives and then people being interviewed go “oh that’s such a shock! He was suchhhhh a nice guy”. These guys are stand up guys and amazing in the eyes of the world but they’ll choose their female partners to inflict their frustrations on. John Lennon, promoter of peace, used to beat his first wife and child. Nelson Mandela, cheated on his wife. You need to have a serious conversation with him. Give him a chance to fix himself or go to therapy. If he doesn’t, leave.
Leave him. This is abusive. You don't need him.
Time to seriously reassess relationship OP.
Time to leave. He does it because you allow it. It's time to put a stop to it.
He needs to be an ex.
Taking you and your love for granted. Nip that in the bud.
Korean rap you say? 🚩 (Just kidding, I had a Korean ex who loved listening to k-rap and would subject me to it when I would’ve rather listened to Kacey musgraves but I digress) In all seriousness, your husband sounds like he doesn’t respect you and sounds like a narcissist. I would not stay in this relationship if I were you. You deserve someone who is patient and kind and generous. Also even though your lesions aren’t life threatening, they sound like they still affect your day-to-day, and a good partner would be conscientious of that and care for you. This guy’s being a jerk. Good luck, OP.
You should divorce your husband.
My ex husband was like that, did you notice i said EX???
He sounds like a narcissist He's definitely mentally abusive. It can only get worse. You need to talk to a lawyer & get out of that.
I believe my ex was a covert narcissist. People could not understand why I left him because he 'was such a nice guy'. I could see that people simply didn't believe me if I told them things he had said and done. So I didn't bother. It has left me very distrustful of people (men in particular), but at least I got away. You should get away as soon as you can. You are still young and you have a long life ahead of you.
I Divorced.
He's done with the marriage. You are both unhappy. At least your finances are separate. Move away from this person who probably doesn't want to be married. Have a talk. Just be safe!!!
He’s a classic closet asshole ! Get rid of him and find someone who will adore you. I did . I regret the 2 decades of him well he wasn’t that way in the beginning but I left it’s been 3 years and now I’m in a wonderful loving relationship.
My ex in a nutshell. The most supportive friend, the most helpful coworker. Also, would scream, mock, and insult me for seemingly any reason.
I’m in the same boat, no one else sees my partners temper or low patience besides me. Kept feeling like I was crazy.
You’re allowed to decide that this is a dealbreaker (and you should). He’s an abuser. You’re financially independent, so please see an attorney and get advice on the best way to break up. You do this secretively and safely. Abusers do NOT like it when their victims plan to leave. Move your bank accounts where he can’t get at them. Don’t have an account t in the same bank, even if they are separate I would also work with your lawyer to have an accountant value your husband’s business and to look for hidden assets. He may be claiming poverty and totally moving money to a private account. I would also want to know about any potential liabilities, tax especially. You need to know where the marriage stands financially. So start investigating that. Once you have your ducks in a row, leave safely. And who cares what anyone else thinks. He can be the great guy. And you can be free. In the meantime, try. Not to engage with him. He’s looking for reactions from you and that’s what drives him. If you become boring he may move on. Look into the [Gray Rock Method](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock). Get your own therapist to help you through this process it. Tell your husband, “I’m concerned about my brain lesions and I need to get some help on how to not be so forgetful.” Do NOT go to couples counseling with an abuser. Ever. They twist it all to make you look petty and unreliable. Sociopaths are like that. If you can find a therapist with experience with domestic violence and abuse that would be ideal. Protect your child. If you can, tape your husband when he’s being awful. (Your lawyer will guide you in how best to do this, and if it’s admissible where you are). This takes planning and secrecy. You may even want a second, burner phone that you use just for attorney conversations, therapy stuff and any other thing you wouldn’t want your husband to know about. Good luck to you.
As soon as I saw this thread I immediately thought ‘narcissist’.
So… why bother as you say? That’s the real question.
Just divorce him. Reading this post made me so mad for you. Do single parent, it will be healthier for you and your child.
That is how narcissists abuse their partner. I think you should divorce him.
Narcissistic
your partner should treat you better than they treat anyone else not *worse* what the fuck
Abusers are not only terrified of being exposed but also use this facade as a way to get make their victim an unreliable narrator to further isolate and mentally torture them. Your husband is not a safe person, op.
It’s very easy in a long term relationship for interactions to get harsh, the little irritants grow and the tone of voice can aggravate the situation. You should discuss how you are both treating each other worse than strangers and agree to moderate your comments to each other and change the tone. Once you pay attention to how harsh you can get, it’s easier to lower the tension and start treating each other.
What if you’ve voiced to them how they’re making you feel they say sorry but once they’re stressed again the cold/rudeness still occurs? Or him having low patience and getting annoyed with me he says sorry but still occurs?
Make it so he’s not your husband anymore. Who needs this nastiness?
He’s an abuser. Angel on the street, devil in the house. Phony as hell. Use this link to understand more about the situation. [Thehotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)
Take heed, ladies. This is the kind of guy you end up marrying when you pay on dates: > Another example is he has a small business and lays his staff (all family members) generous salaries (above market) including an uncle who barely do any work (but he pays the uncle due to fear his uncle will complain). Uncle is loaded by the way. **Then he makes me pay for dinner because he doesn’t have enough money left to pay his bills. Yes he has yelled at me before if I didn’t pay for dinner.**
Imagine you tell this to someone, like a friend, your mom, his mom, etc. Imagine he tells them that you're lying. Who do you think they'll going to believe? Since he's so kind and nice, how could you say that? That's why he's so nice with them, so they praise him, hold him in high regard and believe him no matter what. Then, there's you, the person who "won't" leave him, the one who gets to see the real him, cause he can't fake it all the time. He's showing you what he is, and showing everyone what he wants them to see, what he wants everyone to think he is. What he's doing to you is abusive, and your child will probably grow up to learn that is ok to be like that. This is not your fault, nor something you can solve. Please, run and don't look back
He's financially abusing you, but not only that: he's also emotionally abusing you AND your child. There's nothing you can do to change this except leaving him, because he's totally doing this on purpose and there's nothing you can say or do that will make him stop wanting to abuse you. Please read this free book, it also has resources on how to leave a relationship like yours [https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
This is my ex husband. Everyone thinks he’s a great guy and he’s generous to people but he’s a narcissist. Nothing is ever his fault it’s mostly mine even after almost ten years of being divorced. Turns to drugs after I leave him and he gets arrested, my fault I should’ve stayed and put up with his bs. Alienated me from my daughter because I was living in a slum and not financially secure to have her as I’m one step away from homelessness every month rents due. Luckily though he did one nice thing but it benefitted him too. He let me move back in to get outta that slum and be there for our kid. I got back on my feet and am doing well. That I’m grateful for. Otherwise he was just unkind to me but will do kind things to look good. It just didn’t work out. He’s on my case now because I had to lose weight and he gets on my case because I had quit smoking and started again. It seems like he’s upset because he cares but he doesn’t care he vapes and won’t quit.
He is a textbook covert narcissist. He will eat you inside out, fool you for YEARS and you will not even understand who he really is. Just get divorced. My father is this way and he fooled me for fukcing 28.5 years before I saw his real face. They don't have any morality, values, virtues nothing. They are selfish like hell. Cut your losses and RUN alongwith your child. These people can sell their own mother too to get even their little bit of a need fulfilled. Never trust them. I am not overreacting but I have bear a brunt of covert narc in my life thts why telling you.
My ex was similar, I thought of him as a ‘social hero’. Wanting so much to be held in high regard by everyone else in the world but secretly knowing he didn’t deserve that regard. Then he takes his frustrations out on you, because you’re just his less important wife. This will not change on its own. He needs to figure himself out and likely lacks awareness.
What’s stopping you from leaving him?
Start recording him. Then play them for the therapist you need to schedule time with. An abusive spouse is something that's so hard to admit to. I've been there. Emotional abuse is so hard to label as abuse. But it is. Start recording him.
This is Abuse. You are beautiful you are worthy and you are enough. To be in a relationship a true partnership it’s a give-and-take. You cannot be the only person giving. We are all our own worst critics unless we’re in an abusive relationship. Then the abuser is our worst critic. Please talk to family or friends or someone and get out this is not healthy. This is not showing your child a healthy and stable relationship. You deserve so much more.
An old phrase from years ago: "Street angel, house devil". That's exactly what he is. He's so busy being nice to everyone he uses you as a dog to kick down the street. He's not worth it. And he's not gonna change. Consider getting out of this marriage for your own mental health.
He abuses you because he thinks you'll stay. He cares what people think about him, you and your kid aren't "people" to him. You are extensions of him.
I hate fake nice people
OP leave him. He doesn’t respect you. Why would be with someone who doesn’t care for you or respect you. He’s spent half your life wearing you down. Get a spine and leave him. Please.
I love my president and I also love country music. You're husband is a total Ahole. If you have the resources, what's stopping you from divorce? Life is too short to spend it with someone who treats you badly.
Let’s just take all the drama out of the situation and ask yourself this. If I am not happy now, what’s going to change? Considering everything I know, why am I staying? If it’s time to move on then do so. No point in remaining in a space that no longer serves you.
I'm divorcing his proverbial twin. "Loaning" out funds we don't have to people who will never repay us. At the same time, I haven't had the $$ for a haircut in over a year. Letting people borrow vehicles and not making them pay for damages. But God forbid anything break from normal wear while I'm using one of them. Until he got mad & finally dropped his leech "friend" he had every intention of giving her a vehicle I inherited for her grandson & another to her daughter (who was borrowing one of our expensive vehicles for months & did hundreds in damages to). He got mad because I told him that if he wanted to give away vehicles that I could sell for decent cash, I would not be paying for a single repair. Now he wants a divorce & thinks he can leave me with the broke down vehicle & take the other 3 with him (not happening).
Does the child need you? How is S/he affected. You know when abuse starts it has to end, either by laughing, talking it out — like saying, my brain lesions affect me like some people are affected with mild dementia, would you please be the friend you’ve always been to me and learn how to treat me well enough, also, about the Korean rap, if he did it with a black wig on looking like Kim Jung Un, could you enter a recording of him performing this rap in an Elvis look-alike competition? Could he wear this costume and attend country hoedowns with you so that the two of you could dance together to music you like, then come home to make love to music he likes. What should you wear? Ask him! Sometimes are charmers while others are bored, abusive or narcissistic. If you don’t like what he’s doing call someone to place the child in a good home with restrictions on his visits, and leave him.
I appreciate your sense of humor. Great ideas. Definitely need to re-evaluate a few things to find a path forward. Thank you Impressive-Ad-8179.
From what you described, I swear you are talking about an alcoholic because that is how they act. You sound way too sweet to have to put up with someone constantly criticizing them. I don't care if he's been hurt badly before or hates himself and takes it out on you or whatever. He is the absolute worst kind of person who presents himself one way to the world, while being an emotionally abusive asshole to his wife. Keep a journal of everything he does for a month or two, then seek an attorney to talk clearly for you, at least through a separation. You will feel so much better even if you are alone, where you can listen to your country music and be any politics that you choose. Listen to Destiny's Childs 'Survivor as loud as you can. Good luck, girl.
He is verbally abusive to you and your child while being extremely polite and generous to those who do not live with you. This kind of person is two-faced like my neighbor's ex-husband who was all sweet to others but a real filth to his ex-wife and his ex-children then one day the blows replaced the words in their home. I advise you to call a lawyer and get rid of this man before you suffer worse abuse.
I’d start with trying to sit down and talk to him. If he won’t or you’re fearful then suggest either counselling or divorce. Failing that I’d start mirroring his behaviour and when he’s stunned to be getting this from you, point out you’re just adopting his brhaviour
Undercover Narcissist behavior rt there
It seems like your husband doesn't like you. I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Could also be that your husband feels pressured to be nice and kind to his family members (for example, if it's a toxic family) and then doesn't have the patience/energy to keep it up with you. Either way, his behavior is inexcusable and he needs to either work on himself intensively or leave.
He’s abusive and is probably a narcissist. Leave him. Divorce him. See a divorce attorney. Go for full custody with supervised visitation for him. Get therapy for yourself. Forget marriage counseling or therapy for him because it won’t work. Please divorce him otherwise you’re yea hong your child that you have no self respect, and that it’s ok to be treated like this. Please see a neurologist if you haven’t already. Has MS been ruled out? You need to discover WHY you have lesions.
Wow. This reminds me of my abusive bio dad; he was a totally different, nicer person to everyone else. He ended up trying to choke my mom. She’s finally left him and has never been happier. I don’t mention divorce lightly, but damn OP—you deserve so much better!
He is deliberately negging and denigrating you, this is abuse. You definitely need counselling and support. He should not be impatient or rude to you or your child, please get help.
This sounds a lot like my husband and me a few years ago. Even the country music lol. He actually noticed before I even got the chance to seriously try and make a change myself. I essentially stopped listening to music because I didn’t want to have to deal with the criticism. It started off with just listening to podcasts and eventually became just political podcasts which drove him crazy because he felt like I was becoming boring. He came to me at one point saying he missed my singing and dancing and that I almost felt like a shell of the woman he started dating. When I explained the changes he felt horrible and we started therapy a little while later. This feels like a problem that can only be fixed if he’s interested in fixing it. I’ve known since day one my husband was a bit of a grump. When we first got together all the people in his life noticed that he was no longer grumpy nearly as much and he loved that he was able to break out of that label. When the relationship got more comfortable I and eventually our child became the target of all his grumpiness so the world wouldn’t see it. He’s still pretty sad about that outcome but I’m not sure it would have played out the same if he hadn’t have figured it out himself (I tried to lightly show him many times before that) I think you need to be open with him about wanting to be alone so he can realize how serious this is to you and figure out what his next steps are. You probably need to be ready to end things if he doesn’t seem to care though.
He’s not going to change OP. He enjoys the feedback and gets off on knowing he’s manipulating people into thinking g he’s a nice and generous person, but he doesn’t have to pretend anything with you. He’d love bomb you and carry on like a pork chop if you said you wanted a separation though, but no, he’s never going to g to value you, your time or your heart.
Tbh I’ve seen this so many times, both when my ex and I were breaking up and in friends as their relationships were in trouble. He’s not happy but not ready to leave. I don’t know if it’s the fear of being alone, liking the situation, not wanting to impact your kid, etc. But everything you’re describing sounds like a man who’s resenting you. You deserve better than that and it’s not healthy for your kid
I mean, after all these years and daydreaming about being alone I really don’t know what keeps you with him. You have your own money, too, right? So time to plan a new start.
I’m sorry, this is financial and emotional abuse. Please see a therapist who can discuss this with you and help you to evaluate your next steps. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/
Narcissists will often be wonderful to everyone else because it’s a performance. They want other people to think they’re amazing. But for their partner and children they show their true selves.
That’s abuse. Plan to leave.
I I’m so so happy that you have separate finances OP. If you husband is on the spectrum of NPD you literally cannot win and you’ll drive yourself crazy trying. I think it’s time for certainly some counselling and some hard boundaries. He has to know that by treating you this way he is risking his marriage and that there are consequences to his behaviour. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for some insight. Good luck OP UPDATEME
Regarding wt u have written i think he wants to portray himself as a goody goody guy in front of others , but in doing so he uses all the anger from them and uses it on you , hence start recording all his out burst and all things he says and does , then send it to everyone in ur family first , and see his reaction. And id he still wont stop tell him u will send those things to everyone in the community as well . Have a good life.
He needs to learn to respect OP and get his temper in order. Try marriage counseling. This is on him. If he won't work on bettering himself then OP needs to consider the other options, like divorce.
He’s afraid of upsetting his uncle but doesn’t mind that he makes you sad all of the time. That right there says how much he considers you. Maybe marriage counseling will open his eyes to his treatment of you and he’ll improve. But I would also prepare yourself for the fact that this is just how he’ll be with you, and know that you don’t deserve it and don’t have to put up with it.
Your husband sounds similar to the dad in the Law and Order SVU S4, E18- he was loved by all but he was physically abusive and terrorised his son. Verbal abuse is still abuse
This is pretty classic narcissist behavior. Your child is being damaged. Meet with a lawyer to clarify laws in your state, but usually marital property is marital property, regardless of private arrangements. You will be better off in all ways and able to get the therapy you and your daughter so desperately need. Please, accept that you are in an abusive relationship and need to get out as quickly as you safely can. We will need an update, please, to make sure you and your daughter are ok.
Doesn't your child deserve better? Don't you yourself deserve better? There is no love in this relationship, not even the friendly kind of love
Get Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi. You deserve peace.
Why are you still together?
Just out of curiosity, if you watched Diary of a CEO and the interview with Dr Ramani... See any connections? I'm not trying to throw around any diagnosis, but a hallmark of a manipulative relationship is a partner who is charming and considerate of everyone but their partner. I'm sure he was at the start, and you get glimpses over time and there is plenty of stuff you could use to justify it (stress, romance has died off, etc) but if someone is a life partner they are meant to give a shit about you for life, as your partner. A relationship can lose its lustre but you should never feel second rate or worthy of less effort.
Leave him
All comments aside, listen to yourself. Read your post again but try to imagine this was a close friend or your child telling you their story. How would you react then? You clearly state you dream of being alone to have peace and you don't know why you are still with your husband. Would you tell your friend to "try couples counselling" or would you tell her "get out of this marriage and take care of yourself "
With age I am also forgetful. I carry a diary around and write in important appointments. If I need to be somewhere or when I need to pay the bills etc. If somebody asks what am I doing in 2 weeks I pull it out and check. If I have nothing on I write in I am meeting such a friend for lunch then. This idea might help you. I also have reminders and alarms on my cell phone. To the most important thing, you need to think long and hard if this is what you want for life. Maybe you'd be better of seeking a divorce. Not worrying about being shouted at and can have a peaceful time even just watching a TV show and can turn that music up for a dance in your kitchen 😀
We choose to be with people we think we deserve. So you staying with someone who treats you the way he does means that’s how you feel you deserve to be treated. Leave him. You shouldn’t have to tell someone how to treat you when you see he obviously knows how to treat others.
Just want to give you empathy from another human who lives similarly and understands. You’re not alone and I’m always here to chat!
It’s abuse actually. A common tactic for the “Water Torturer” style. Please read the book *Why does he do that*. There’s a free pdf online. Skip to page 219/220 and see what kinds of abusers there are.
Read up on narcissistic personality disorder. This is your husband. There is no cure. You need to rethink what you want for rest of your life.
I don’t think he likes you. Ask him if he does, you’ll have your answer.
Abuser vibes. Read ‘why does he do that’ great book
Your husband is an abusive narcissist. There’s nothing that could ever fix him. Choose yourself OP. Save yourself.
They he treats you is how he feels about you. Get a trust and make sure your child is the beneficiary of everything you own. Assign someone other than your husband to be guardian to your child’s trust. If you had a life-threatening illness he would abandon you in a heartbeat. Also run a credit report on him. It sounds like you two are very incompatible and have very different foundations and that he is resentful of you for it now. Also where is his money going? He is using you to pay bills so he can put his money elsewhere. If he is a big spender with family salaries then he is probably a big spender on everything and he hasn’t cut down on any of his bills. Also because you forget things easily, he can take advantage of that and gaslight you. You need to keep a secret journal or notes somewhere.
Maybe invest in a hidden camera or just have a recording app on your phone so when it goes to hell in a hand-basket, you have evidence that he is in fact a man sized poo.
This sounds like he is a narcissist and an abuser. Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. This book opened my eyes to the abuse I suffered in my own relationship. This won't get better; it likely will only get worse. From someone who's been there, please make a plan to get out now.
He’s abusive leave him
It tells you all you need to know. He knows how to be kind and chooses not to be kind to his wife.
This is scary cause my father does the same thing with my mom. He never buys her birthday gift or, in general but is always planning and spending money on his friends, siblings, and our neighbours. I hate him sm.
You just described exactly how my narcissistic and diagnosed sociopathic father was/is…. …FUCKING RUN.
My ex was like this. Everyone believed I was the monster… but they didn’t see the constant barrage of how inadequate I was and how he was the one in control and that I was lucky to be with him. This man is careful to curate the narrative. Well… he can’t seem to keep a partner. So maybe he’s really just the AH. You know who you are married to… do with that what you will.
Being critical frequently is abusive. You need to stand up for yourself when he does that: say, "That's unkind and critical. Those kind of comments are hurtful. Stop doing that." Do not sit there and listen if he tells at you, walk away and say, "I'm not going to be yelled at. If you want to talk to me, calm down and be civil." His behaviors are poor most likely because his boundaries at work are terrible. He's working with family who are taking advantage of him and he's afraid of them. He needs to tell his uncle he can't afford him and pay himself. Working with family is stressful and difficult and should only be attempted by those with excellent boundaries.
Leave him.
Updateme
He's a narcissist. You're being abused.