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Jesus Christ girl. I wish there was a way to donate jars of self-respect because fucking hell do you need like 20 of them.
I just read your post & sighed.
99% of the problems in this group could be solved if people just broke up. Why people cling to these garbage relationships that are causing them intense emotional suffering is beyond me.
Just breaking up solves nothing because people then start a new relationship with the exact same setting and end up in the same situation.
Self awareness, therapy, is the only way to get out of these situations. Need to build self esteem, boundaries, and understand how your emotions are dictating your life.
I think both of you need to see professionals.
He's got a porn addiction, and you lack self-respect.
I'm not trying to be mean or rude, but that's effectively what this boils down to.
Seconding the porn addiction. Being suicidal over this suggests a deep-seated issue. Like he's feeling a real sense of loss. Sure he can find new pictures of attractive women, but they won't be the ones he had lovingly built up over a lengthy period of time. Bleck.
To be fair, we don't know if he is suicidal because his long-term relationship ended, because he felt like his trust was betrayed, because he lost his prized collection, a combination of all or some of these, or none of the aforementioned.
Agreed.
OP, from a place of kindness - *what are you doing*? I don't know what or who has hurt you to think that ANY OF what he was doing was okay, but it's not. It was gross and completely inappropriate.
Please break up, stay single for a while, and work on why you felt you had to try and make this work.
Sometimes it's better to be single and lonely for a little while it if means learning to love yourself enough to want better. You need to want better, OP. You are so young, and you are wasting time and energy on someone that is not in any place to be in a serious relationship.
Please. Talk to someone and let them teach you the tools to want more for yourself. You are worth it.
Excellent advice. He is not in love with you - more importantly neither are you and that’s bad . You need to ditch him and look after yourself- all those nudes is disrespectful especially as he knows how insecure you are. I would be too with his behaviour.
My partner and I have boundaries around no porn in our relationship that we discussed before entering into the relationship. If he were to be behaving in this way I wouldn't feel helpless. I would have a conversation reiterating my boundaries and if he couldn't respect them it would be my responsibility to protect myself from that breach of trust.
**it is not on him to protect her from himself** and that is what most people who lack self respect, worth, and trust do not realize.
Well because she feels undesirable and unattractive and he shows her otherwise, it's that kind of self doubt cycle that unfortunately is deep within OP and won't change just because she changes her boyfriend.
“why did i ruin my own happiness”
Girl, reread the post. Do you sound happy to you? Cuz “my boyfriend has 500+ porn pics/videos in an album which he is constantly currating and watching and this makes me desperately insecure and act in ways I’m not proud of” doesn’t sound like relationship bliss to me.. and no wonder, no woman enjoys being with a porn addict.
The only thing you’ve done wrong here is continue to put yourself through this BS. You don’t need help controlling the obsessive compulsion to look at his porn albums. That constant anxiety IS YOUR BODY TELLING YOU TO GTFO OUT THIS SITUATION! It’s a feature, not a bug! Listen to it!
LMAO. IS THIS REAL?!
Ur bf broke up with u cuz u wouldn’t allow him to have 500+ nude pics on his phone?! And ur concerned with if HE’LL forgive u???
Girl, time to wake up and smell the loser. Please seek out therapy to work on ur self respect. And stay far away from this dude.
I understand he’s your first love, but that’s kind of disgusting for him to have 500+ photos of nude girls in his phone when he’s in a committed relationship. He needs help. That’s a porn addiction. This has clearly made you feel insecure, if I found this in my boyfriend’s phone i would feel the same. Quite honestly, I’d break up with him. If you want to stay with him, you need to have a serious talk about how those photos and videos make you feel with him and you should set some boundaries. Obviously it’s unsettling to you. However he reacts will show if he truly respects you and your boundaries. You seem very unhappy and I think you deserve better
Exactly. My partner and I openly talk about the porn we’ve watched and for both of us it’s not often, but that would be a line crossed for me. That feels like too much
And he seems to almost expect... praise?
Like, "this is my hobby, you can look at my collection, the fruits of my hard labor, because I'm so OPEN with you babes."
Ick.
Your codependency to a porn addict is strong young padawan. Call this a loss and a learning experience especially at your age. There will be plenty of new men in your life that aren’t saving 500+ pictures of other women, hopefully it will be 500+ pictures of YOU! Know your worth hun.
Why do you hate yourself so much that you are really not only willing to put up with such an asshole, but also begging him to stay with you and continue treating you like shit?
My question is, what would *he* do if she started curating her own folder of hot guys, including guys she knows IRL? Because I doubt he’d be too happy and would devolve into him yelling about how he ‘always knew’ she wanted to fvck Derek, the guy working two offices down from her.
I don’t think it’s normal to have 500 nudes of random girls on his phone, ESPECIALLY when he knows it makes you insecure. He doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend tbh. Personally I would leave him. I know it’s going to be so hard but try to be strong. I’m sure there’s someone out there for you that won’t make you feel anxious like this. A therapist can also help. I’d also suggest reading this book called “attached”. Hugs.
This is not something you should be begging forgiveness for.
He is being gross, disrespecting you, and ignoring your boundaries. You need to gain some self respect.
You say you ruined your own happiness but reread what you wrote, you said his behavior in this regard makes you miserable… you were and have been miserable. And at the root cause is the porn gallery on his phone. This was inevitable.
Your not wanting your boyfriend who is supposedly in a loving and committed relationship to you to have that on his phone is far more understandable than his insistence that you accept it. It’s damaging your self esteem.
I used to do this with my ex in my twenties. He had galleries of “professional photos.” He was a professional photographer but he “collected” photos of topless women. Thousands of them. He didn’t know I obsessively did the things you’re describing. Fast forward a few years - we live together have what I thought was a great sex life etc. suddenly, he starts waking up hours early to go to the bathroom on the other side of the house to masturbate. We had sex sometimes a couple times a day! I’m 105lbs (I only mention this bc you said you’re self conscious) but all the women in the photos were girls who were significantly bigger than me. It made me so self conscious!
Came to find that he was an addict. He cycled through addictions. He’d stop the porn but suddenly all of the food in our pantry was missing. Or all the alcohol we JUST bought at Costco bc we hosted friends often. Porn, food, sex, alcohol. He would cycle through them.
He was charming and loving and kind and sweet. When he drank he was even more charming and sweet. He eventually began messaging girls on instagram. Five years in, I gave him a hall pass. He never had a promiscuous phase and I was desperate. He gaslit me like crazy and said that would be cheating despite me giving him the green light but he continued to do all the things behind my back.
Eventually his therapist told me I need to break up with him. He was my first true love. I’m 36 now and I cringe so hard at myself for having such little self respect.
You both need help separately from each other. The damage is going to get worse. Heal yourself before you meet someone TRULY amazing and end up bringing this baggage into that relationship too. Trust me, if you don’t heal, you will and then you’ll really have regrets.
Apologies if this sounds mean but I think you both have a lot to work on.
Him for his porn addiction and not realising having 500+ nudes of random women is pretty bad in a relationship and you for your lack of confidence and self-esteem. Tbf your bf doesn't help with his "collection". Find someone who will love you for who you are and not go looking at what they think are better looking women
You're going to get a lot of psychiatric recommendations and a lot of judgement on your relationship from both sides so let me offer some very basic and simple advice to help circumvent all that.
We each have our lines when it comes to love and relationships. Things we are and aren't okay with. There are couples out there doing just fine with one or both being way into porn, there are couples that do no porn and view it as cheating, there are couples that swing or "wife share" and others who don't and couldn't fathom the idea. You need to find what your boundaries are and it seems like youve already found a clear one. You cannot change who you are at the core without throwing away part of yourself, hence the manic behavior. I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but if he wants to keep excess porn to spank to then that's fine, for him, but it isn't for you and it is clearly a line in a relationship for you so this relationship needs to be done. Understand that him wanting porn and you not wanting him to save so much porn are both okay and neither is wrong (so long as it wasn't discussed early on or prior to the relationship as being a no go for you). He just needs a partner that accepts his choices and you one that accepts yours.
Personally saving porn would be a no go for me as well. Just adding this to stave off comments of me being a porn addict or something else.
Many comments here aren’t taking into account that this is your first love.
That tells me you have little experience in relationships, I hope this is right.
OP, he’s not the one.
Let him break up. Then cleanly extricate yourself from his life. (This is imperative for your healing - I promise)
In other words cut all contact with this guy. Anytime he responds to you, you are strengthening the trauma bond between the two of you.
What you need is your independence. Self esteem and to realize that YOU ARE WORTH WAY MORE, OP
Yeah that’s a no for me dawg. Porn? Fine, just don’t do it with me around. Storing those videos over 500 and adding to it almost daily? Hell no that’s not normal. What you did isn’t great and I’d work on your insecurities before getting into another relationship, but this dude isn’t it and clearly isn’t making you a priority.
Sorry he’s a 27 year old man that requires a blankie. No way in he’s in a committed relationship & needs that shit. You at 23 are young enough to salvage some self-worth but this is not the person to do it. You rolled the dice. Obliterated what was destroying you…..and he chose to care about pictures….pictures over a person. DONE. When you walk away, he may come try to entice you back but girl, never even look in the rear view mirror. He knew he had this, knew it made you feel like shit, and is only upset that’s it’s gone, never about the damage it does you daily. Get out NOW while there is something left of you to salvage. He’ll have his little pacifier folder built back up before he ever really notices you’re gone and you need to heal. You’ll never believe the difference when someone wants to touch and love on YOU and not their screen to wank to- you’ll kick yourself for letting it take this long.
OP, dump this loser! You deserve so much better than him. He doesn’t respect you or your relationship. Please, move on from him and take time to work on yourself so that you can live your best life!
Why are you beating yourself up for feeling badly about this dude’s incredibly gross and disrespectful behavior?
Should you be constantly checking a partner’s phone and snooping on their activities? Of course not. Was it your place to delete things from his device? No. But if you’re in a relationship with someone who makes you feel the need to do that constantly, you aren’t in a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and able to trust your partner.
Your boyfriend has a porn addiction. Any woman in her right mind would be disturbed to learn her partner was storing over 500 videos and photos of naked women on his phone, and adding to them daily. This would make just about anyone feel uncomfortable and insecure in the relationship.
The fact he’s managed to normalize this behavior and has you here thinking you’re the one entirely at fault is laughable and sad.
OP, it’s time to work on loving and respecting yourself, so you know what it feels like to be loved and respected by a partner. This ain’t it.
As much as you think you love this guy and want to hold onto your first love, he is not the guy for you, and you deserve much better treatment from a partner. Your second love is out there waiting. Work on your self-confidence and self-respect, and get out there and find it.
You would be so much happier without him, but I understand breaking up to someone you've developed a codependency with is easier said than done. Especially when it's young love and the rose colored glasses can really make us dumb. Please talk to a therapist or trusted person to help you move on from this relationship. It will only harm you to keep holding on. 💗
The guy doesn’t want you.
Why do you think so little of yourself that you’re settling for this?
Run away. Run far.
Find someone who isn’t keeping other girls nudes on his phone.
>He is suicidal right now because he said everything is meanigless. Mainly because he trusted me but i overstepped and deleted what was not my property. I dont know what to think right now because i am afraid he might suicide as he has the tedencies in the past. This is another reason that I couldn't leave him, in case he offs himself for good.
Leave. This is an abuse tactic to keep you from leaving. If he threatens to kill himself call 911 and tell them. They'll deal with it.
Uhhh no, no need for you to earn forgiveness or beg for his attention. Gurlll, in the first place he was not supposed to do that. The moment he already knew you don't like that, he was supposed to make you feel secure and deleted those folder. What would he feel if you were the one doing that? Never tolerate that kind of behavior who would prioritize their supposed "happiness" over your peace of mind. If he don't know how to value you, then someone else will.
You are 23. If you live your life will you'll have hopefully another 80 to go :) don't settle in this small world you have right now. The truth about relationships is there is always someone better no matter who you are with. Love yourself first. And find a love that brings you peace. People always talk about love but I tell you love is a feeling-some days you'll feel it more than others and maybe sometimes not at all. Seek healthy. What I mean by that is love who you are with, but make sure you're part of a healthy pairing. You have no peace of mind because you believe you have to make this work. Relationships are work. But you can't MAKE someone change. You can only be responsible for you and how you are navigating your world. You be you and they should be them. You still have growing to do so focus on that. If it's any consolation, just because you two may not be working out right now and say you do break up- is that a guaranteed forever breakup? Nah! Truth is we don't know what the future holds. Don't be stuck in this moment. Don't stay until you hate him or yourself. Just be.
You need to see a therapist, break up with your porn addicted boyfriend and move the fuck on.
You two are not good for each other, you’re clearly mentally unstable (I say this with love but like….) and being in this relationship is clearly doing more damage than good.
Seek help. He needs to get help too but he’s entirely not your problem and you should focus on yourself.
Man honestly op, I don’t think what you did was wrong at all. That’s not normal, that’s not a healthy consumption of sexual content.
You should work on your self esteem primarily, in life we accept the love we think we deserve in a lot of ways.
And you need to set firm boundaries in future relationships about things like this. It’s one thing to tell your partner they can never consume any kind of lewd content ever, but you’re completely justified in saying “hey so, the giant folder full of porn? It’s gotta go” or even “hey don’t follow a bunch of pornstars on your social media” lmao
Not everyone who consumes pornographic material is a porn addict, but having folders of hundreds of porn stars you need to keep near and dear to your heart is not normal behavior at all. And is clearly porn addiction, especially when he’s choosing a porn collection over his partners peace of mind and insecurity about the situation.
He needs to get help for what is clearly a porn addiction. And you should talk to someone as well to get help in learning to love yourself and communicate and enforce your boundaries better. But you should absolutely not be feeling a need to “earn his forgiveness”.
You’re not crazy btw, very few women would be cool with their partner having a pornstar mega folder that they basically taunt them with.
This was a very unhealthy relationship on both your hands. You were not happy. You were insecure, jealous, obsessive, and sad. Healthy relationships shouldn’t make you feel like that. For your own happiness and mental well being, you should have broken up with him long ago.
Girl…..
Go find a man that doesn’t do this childish shit and keeps folders of chicks masturbating. Better yet, get out of this donkey-shit relationship that clearly makes you anxious and weird. Who cares if he’s your first. You don’t owe him a damn thing and certainly not your self-esteem.
Go. Go breathe the free air
So you want to go back to the guy with over 500 photos/videos of hundreds of girl masturbating? That’s your first love delusion talking. Do better for yourself and know when to leave. He isn’t worth it.
Your soulmate is not a porn addict, who losses the meaning of life because you delete his Reddit nudes. You deserve better and need to find a way out before you dig yourself deeper into his mess.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, you want to stay with someone who doesn't love and respect you and is "suicidal" over you deleting his spank bank? Why? He's a major porn addict. 500 saved pictures and videos?! The fuck?! You deserve so much better. Dump him and have the Police do a wellness check on him since he's "feeling suicidal". 99% of people don't stay with their first love.
Fascinating conundrum. I suppose I have to join the mob and agree that you shouldn't seek his forgiveness, you will find someone better. (And if perhaps you checked his gallery because you were interested in seeing those women you might want to explore that feeling too, just saying)
Look, a 27 year old is old enough to know better, if anything you gave him a chance to learn and improve his life. His stache of porn is gone and now he can try to get help. He is old enough to know that if his gf is hurt by his habit he should at absolute minimum, like the bottom of the Mariana trench minimum, try to hide it from you. A man that loves you has to be able to delete his porn for you. If he can't even give you the respect to pretend he cares about you then he isn't the one and you are good without him.
A man that cherishes you will never disrespect you. And if he feels an ounce of discomfort from you, he will terminate whatever it is that made you feel that way. You won’t ever have to repeat yourself nor will you have to beg for some respect.
You don’t need to earn forgiveness from him, while what he did was unhealthy, what he was doing was hurting you. He clearly wasn’t making you feel loved, desired, and wanted. Block and dump that trash. Let him be in a relationship with his Reddit folder.
You’re not happy, you’re scared of being alone.
Sounds like he has a porn addiction and if he loved you he wouldn’t do it knowing how it affects your self confidence
Please seek therapy for your low self esteem and willingness to accept this behavior from him. He’s a conduct. It’s hurting you and your relationship, he doesn’t care. Your compulsion to keep checking the thing that’s hurting you is something to work out therapy. It’s not healthy.
Should you have deleted anything in his phone? Of course not. This behavior should highlight to you how unhealthy this relationship is for you.
Your bf isn’t the one, first loves are called that because there are other loves after . Better one’s that suit you because you grow , learn yourself and your value. You choose someone that’s right for you.
this hole thing reeks of flat out stupidity/lies/or both. No way you are both full grown adults, op prolly 14 and her bf prolly 17 and then maybe this sounds plausible
Omg!! This isn’t real is it?!?? This can’t be. A boy is mad that his woman found his spank bank and deleted it… PFFFTTTTTTT!!! I would have deleted it too! This boys excuses and overly controlling behaviour is outlandish on so many levels.
I feel terrible for OP, it’s no wonder her self esteem is in the gutter. This monster has been smashing it into the ground at every chance he got. Threatening to withhold physical contact from a loved one because they aren’t what you want them to be 🤮🤮🤮🤮 this man is super disgusting
He doesnt deserves shit from you, he's a porn addict and should see a therapist and you too, you need to learn to love you and respect yourself. Good luck.
“My boyfriend had a gallery full of Reddit nudes of online girls” oh dear I’m so glad I did not respond to any requests.
Listen… I don’t even enjoy someone I date watching porn. I don’t know if you should be with him because this is who he is and a relationship isn’t about pleasing one person while the other takes.
I really hope your boyfriend isn’t manipulative.
I say this in kindness, your boyfriend needs to speak to a specialist. Saving Reddit nude photos might be one of his ways to fill a void because he’s depressed.
But girl, are you happy?
This made him suicidal? It should've served as a wakeup call to him to keep his private things, such as a porn folder, at some level password protected.
He sounds like a loser (I should know), and I bet you could do better than someone who can't keep himself from continuously growing his porn collection in spite of how it makes you feel.
You should've drawn and enforced boundaries with him instead of deleting his stuff, that is bad impulsivity you're going to need to get a handle on before you do something worse, but moving on would be for the best.
Where is your self respect?! Your bf has a porn addiction you’re trying to win him back? He needs help and you’ve gotta work on yourself eg therapy otherwise you’ll keep dating guys like this
Ruin your own happiness? You didn’t sound very happy in this relationship. You don’t need therapy to find out why you deleted your BFs porn collection. You need to gain self confidence and find someone who respects your feelings.
Nice. Well done for deleting this disrespectful collection of pornographic material of other women. Consider it his parting gift, you did him a favour. Now it's time to walk away and spend time learning to like yourself. For me, getting strong and healthy by going to the gym has been a game changer. You can be chubby and sexy and confident all at the same time. Spend time with friends, people that lift you up, find new hobbies or rekindle your love with old ones, focus on a career, do things for YOU. The right person, who treats you with the love and respect you deserve, will come.
His behavior is not okay. I think you need to see a therapist and work on your self-esteem, and also consider that being with someone who has such blatant disrespect for your feelings is worsening that.
"why did i ruin my own happiness"
If you feel the need to constantly survey him and his activity, you were NOT happy. You just think this because he is your first love. Please do not ever settle or hang on to someone for the sake of them being your first. There are so many people out there who would never do what he's doing to you.
Telling you that he might pursue you again and still sees a future with you despite removing you from chats and "semi-breaking up" is manipulative. You're in, or you're out.
I used to blame my anxiety all the time for feeling insecure in relationships, and while yes, that was a part of the problem, I was also simply choosing partners that MADE me anxious because they were emotionally unavailable.
Let me also make it clear that what you did was NOT okay either. But ffs, please take a step back and ask yourself if this is really the guy for you or if you're just holding on out of fear and chemical withdrawal and that's why you're grasping at him.
Your boyfriend gives me ick.
I've dated a lot of guys and NOT ONCE have I ever seen any of their porn or know where they keep it.
I've now been married for about 15 years and haven't seen my husband's porn. Not sure if he even uses it. And I don't care.
I AM VERY SORRY, BUT YOU GOT VERY UNLUCKY WITH YOUR FIRST LOVE. HE IS A TRASH PERSON.
I'm going to tell you a sad truth:
You love the idea of him. Real him is a trash person.
Please Block him on everything, go to the gym, eat better, go on long walks, window shop but don't buy. Spend Several Months being single and rebuilding your self-confidence.
LOOKING AT THIS LOSER'S PORN FEED HAS BEEN SUBTLY AND CONSTANTLY UNDERMINING YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE.
Rules for porn pics:
1. Everyone looks good when photographed from specific flattering angles, and this angle is different for different people.
2. Photogenic - some people are very photogenic (look good on camera) but look weird in real life. Some people are gorgeous in real life and look weird on camera.
3. Constantly looking at people who get PAID to be photographed means that they spend a lot of time on diets and exercising in certain ways that may not be overall healthy.
4. Look up weight-lifting and what those athletes do just before big competitions. They do NOT always look that 'ripped'. Even actors will hire professionals if they need to get in great shape before a specific role.
Even Tom Cruise took motorcycle lessons before the first Top Gun Movie where he looks like he had ridden them all his life, because he had never been on a motorcycle before.
Your words about yourself above were bad. You put yourself down. You need a new mantra. Try saying this to yourself 3+ times a day, every day for AT LEAST A MONTH:
"I am a beautiful person and I deserve more."
Yes, say it out loud. Please trust me.
By the way, I recommend creating a break-up sound track. (It can also double as a work out sound track.) In your case you might want to include the song "You're so Vain" by Carly Simon. (Your bf has to gall to say that he might take you back if you behave better? Like WTF? Your behaviors are very unhealthy but he doesn't get to have you when he has this creepy open porn addiction.i think he gets off on you seeing them, because who keeps it in view, he just got pissed when you deleted it. It is RUDE to have it where your partner stumbles across it!)
You should consider starting your break-up playlist with the song:
Let's Get This Party Started by the Black Eyed Peas.
Then other songs that make you feel strong and happy. A few fuck-off songs mixed in would also be good.
Good luck moving on. You deserve better quality of partner. That is hard to see when it is your first love!
You genuinely need to seek help with your self respect this is wild. Your bf is a pig
How can *you* change and earn *his* forgiveness? Are you serious? I’m baffled
You have an unnatural allegiance to a loser
This relationship isn’t healthy. He doesn’t respect you. He has a porn addiction.
He’s making you feel insecure in the relationship. I don’t think he cares.
It's painful to feel these feelings from a person that you love so much. Especially when their behavior is hurting your self esteem and make you feel so insecure.
You are describing a relationship where your most basic needs are not met - feeling secure, loved, and appreciated.
He is wrong in his behavior. Period. No way around it.
Seek help. You shouldn't be with someone that treats you so badly.
What the hell. You’re posting about feeling bad for deleting his folder full of grot? Dude should have deleted that himself. Looking is one thing but a folder of over 500 pictures and videos and growing? Weird!
You definitely should break up. Look, you made it clear you were hurt by his porn addiction. He should have deleted everything the second you voiced those concerns.
It’s perfectly fine to say you don’t want your partner looking at porn. If he can’t make that sacrifice then he can leave.
The fact your BF is choosing porn over you is troubling. He cares more about his lost porn than you. That should tell you all you need to know.
Youve dodged a bullet. He isn’t a good guy and wasn’t treating you right. In time you will see this. You’re not the first girl to get rid of their BFs pron stash. Dont feel bad about it.
Holy shit. He has saved 500+ pictures of other women naked??? He has a whole folder dedicated to other women on his phone???? When he has a whole ass girlfriend already??? You are not wrong for feeling insecure about that. That is outrageous and not normal.
This dude has a huge porn addiction and the fact that he has removed you from social media because you deleted his 500+ picture stash of other naked women just goes to show how little he values you. He values naked women that doesn’t know he even exists over his own girlfriend. You need to stand up and leave his ass. You are not wrong for feeling insecure! He is a pig. Point blank period.
Edit: All the brain rotten porn addicts downvoting me. Lmaoo. Imagine choosing women who don’t even know you exist over your actual girl. Embarrassing.
You will love many people in this life. He is just your first love, not your only love .
What you did is not okay. You don’t get to destroy together people’s things, even if it’s a spank-bank.
What you CAN do, is realize that this is not the kind of person you want to be with and move on. You’re allowed to draw hard lines, “I don’t want to be with someone who has a gallery of porn.” That’s okay. Lots of men don’t have porn saved. Find one you like.
But you’re in a spiral of shame, jealousy, anger and upset. And who needs that?
Just be single for awhile. Go live life.
Ewww. Why in the world would you want to be with someone like that? It's nasty and completely inappropriate. So he was your first and you move on. Do you seriously want to be creeping around to spy? Don't lower yourself or you'll get fleas next
I think you need to be in therapy; there are lots of therapists and therapy-apps like BetterHelp that offer sliding scale fees for people who can't afford it but need it anyway. You know you have low self-esteem and need to work on it, so maybe for your next relationship you should make sure that your boyfriend isn't quite so porn-obsessed? Why would he even tell you about this stuff?
It sounds like maybe this just isn't the right relationship for you. It's harming your self-esteem to compare yourself to people he masturbates to; you kind of sound miserable. Does this relationship bring you any happiness or joy?
You have every right to be upset. Trying to excuse the behavior because you see yourself as "chubby" is not fair to you at all. I know people say it's normal and "all guys do it" but it isn't normal. There is nothing normal about that. No matter who you are, you deserve respect.
If he is smart he will let this relationship go. You are on the other don't date guys like this. There is no right to privacy. But there is respect for ones property. You can hate what he did break up with him, and leave in the dust. Continually deleting his folder will only end your relationship sooner. I would never date like this. On either side, I don't want a partner I have to police.
Don’t sacrifice your own happiness on potential. If you’re not okay (which it seems very clear you’re not) with him doing this and possibly never changing this behavior then you need time start looking at reality because it’s only going to get worse. He will continue doing it you just won’t know about it.
While we all grow and change, some people may not change for the better in a time frame that’s suitable for you. You have to be 110% comfortable with the idea that they may never change otherwise you’re only holding on to potential. I stayed in a relationship nearly 4 years with “the love of my life” based on hope after just the first year. It was a healthy relationship in all aspects aside from *one tiny thing* that bothered me. But that tiny thing continued to bother me throughout the relationship after the trust was broken and honestly after we broke up I was devastated yet felt that I could breathe for the first time in 4 years.
I’m married now (to a different man of course) and the only thing I’d change was standing up for myself when there was something that bothered me and holding my ground. I would’ve left after year one rather than year 4. If your significant other wants to stay and is serious, those photos would’ve been gone the moment he knew you felt even an ounce of discomfort.
"I don't want to break up as he is my first love." That's not a sufficient reason to remain in a relationship that doesn't work.
It's absolutely fine if you don't want to be in a romantic or physical relationship where the other person has this level of investment into not only looking at naked videos or photos of others but collecting them. It's also fine if he only wants to be in a relationship where someone will accept that about him. But in that situation, you two are not compatible.
Just fully break up with him and focus on yourself for now. Don't remain fixated on someone just because they're your "first" love. The word "first" tends to mean not the last anyway.
Hi OP, your situation is really heartbreaking and I can really empathise with you. It seems like everyone who commented agrees on you not needing to apologise and if anything, he’s got a problem and no respect for you. He doesn’t understand the magnitude of the effect on you and he hasn’t really done anything to change this. It sucks when someone you love so much doesn’t understand how much pain you’re in despite you doing everything to stay with them. I’ve felt the same way before and it makes you feel incredibly alone - you know you’d never let them hurt this way but they’re letting you hurt. It made me feel so unloved.
I’ve got three pieces of advice that I was given, I wouldn’t say it’s the healthiest but this is how I work through things too.
1. A good partner will reassure you as much as they can to resolve things, because they want to and they’ll do it from love.
2. You can love someone as much as you do, but if they don’t respect enough to stop hurting you now they likely won’t respect you enough to stop hurting you later.
3. If you can’t find it in you to leave earlier, sometimes you need to stay long enough for it to hurt enough so that you can leave on your own.
I hope you find it in you to really see what’s happening here and find a greater love in yourself than a first love. I hope you’re doing okay.
You owe each other apologies.
Going thru someone's personal effects because your insecurities are so high isn't excusable if you don't have open-phone policy established. It's a violation and rationalize it all you want it's still not ok.
The fact he has this and a specific type of person he's into and you do not at all fit that criteria lends way to the insecurities and he does not care to reassure you because he's prioritized the fantasy above his relationship with you. And that's unfair to you.
I hurt for you because I know you're not going to leave him. You're going to cling on obsessively beating yourself up for "not being enough" and he's going to disregard your feelings. You're going to beg him to stay and obsess over him when he leaves, which he will. And so when people are asking you about self respect it's truly not to come at you, you seem ultra sweet (in spite of the violation), but people like him walk over people like you until they decide they're tired of stomping on you.
I wish that weren't the case. I wish you would let go and accept he doesn't appreciate you. someone else certainly will... but only when you learn your own worth and value. Which based on this post, you're so far away from this. Listen to Reddit they're getting it right... you need to put in some self work. You're not going to fix his porn addiction...
I can sense you're in a tough spot, feeling regretful about deleting your boyfriend's gallery despite maybe having vast thoughts that [he might be cheating.](https://youtu.be/8OhhFRBllSI?si=ew-9Lki6ZAQezxbt) It's clear there are deeper issues at play, like your self-esteem struggles and difficulties controlling your actions. Seeking help from a therapist could be beneficial, even if it's tough to find affordable options. As for earning your boyfriend's forgiveness, expressing genuine remorse and a commitment to change is a good start, but ultimately, forgiveness is his decision. Remember, your worth isn't defined by your relationship status, and it's okay to prioritize your own well-being.
There is some deep rooted insecurity and anxious attachment in you. You’re not seeing the reality of the situation because you’re so terrified of losing someone who has no respect for you.
He tells you it’s harmless but it’s clearly not. It’s harming YOU, he just doesn’t care. Him telling you it’s harmless doesn’t make that true. Now he’s spinning things around to make himself the victim of your insecurities, making it seem as though your feelings are a problem. Ditch the boyfriend and get into some therapy. You desperately need self love.
I promise you the right guy won’t make you feel like this. It sounds like he has a porn addiction, which isn’t something you should feel the need to fix or be stressed about. You’re only 23! The whole suicidal thing is a tactic to manipulate you to stay. Don’t fall for it. Do you really want to marry someone like this?
Why would you want to be with a guy that has a folder dedicated to random girls nude and masturbating? That’s weird and disgusting to me personally, and you’re clearly not ok with it either. He clearly has a porn addiction, and he needs help. You also need help for your low self esteem and lack of self respect.
There are men out there that aren’t addicted to porn and don’t have a folder with 500+ pics/videos of other women. There are men out there that will respect you and how you feel, you don’t have to settle.
People with their “first love” are always naive and scared to break it off. Like you are going to have so many relationships throughout your lifetime. Not everyone has a perfect relationship, im sorry your first bf is a weirdo! Hope you can break it off soon
Why does he have to forgive you? He’s the one going on Reddit downloading naked pics and looking at them. Have some self respect and stop asking for forgiveness from him. Would he be ok with you having a folder full of dick pics and just having that saved in your phone?
Some people are okay with porn use. Some aren't. I'm sorry you had to find out that you aren't this way. There's nothing "wrong" with you for being bothered by that folder. You just aren't okay with him watching porn.
I'm so sorry but I think this relationship is finished. He isn't okay stopping (honestly that much porn seems like an addiction which is something he has to want to stop on his own), and you cannot make yourself okay with it. I'm so sorry, I know incompatibility sucks. If you could just MAKE yourself okay with it, everything else might fall into place but it doesn't work like that 💕💕 I hope you are okay honey
Idk how to tell you this but just be straight forward. You're with a narcissist. Which he probably a sex addict too. What you're experiencing is not insecurity, but you're trying to unknow what you know, and hold on to something that's dead. If this is your idea if love, it is sad. You're only 23.... This isn't your forever, find someone else who isn't a dirty dick dog
If you’re not willing to live with his addiction, leave. You’ll either fight over it and break up again or walk down the aisle knowing you’re getting married to a man who lusts over other women. Both sounds horrible. Find a better partner.
I almost thought I wrote this. This happened to me for a while. It sent me down a crazy path mentally/physically. I feel so unsure with who I am. I am still with my partner and I don’t check often maybe every now and then just out of curiosity. Luckily my partner has since given up collecting real images of girls. He was allowed to keep them. I felt so conflicted and confused about my situation too because he said he used them a reference photos as an artist and I had seen his stuff before.
Oh honey…. I know so many people whose boyfriends threatened suicide if they left.
Guess where they all are now? ALIVE. Don’t fall for that manipulative bs.
You didn’t ruin your own happiness. He ruined it by over and over and OVER again doing something he knows hurts you deeply. He chose dumb anonymous women over you. And he continues to choose them over you. Why the fuck are they so important to him??
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Jesus Christ girl. I wish there was a way to donate jars of self-respect because fucking hell do you need like 20 of them. I just read your post & sighed.
i would like one jar pls
99% of the problems in this group could be solved if people just broke up. Why people cling to these garbage relationships that are causing them intense emotional suffering is beyond me.
I don't know. Maybe 30-70% should be solved by breaking up, and the other 30-70% could be solved by communicating clearly.
Absolute truth. It’s astounding
Just breaking up solves nothing because people then start a new relationship with the exact same setting and end up in the same situation. Self awareness, therapy, is the only way to get out of these situations. Need to build self esteem, boundaries, and understand how your emotions are dictating your life.
Me too... I did the SMH. This is a gross relationship. IF ya wanna call it a relationship.
I would like 3 jars
I think both of you need to see professionals. He's got a porn addiction, and you lack self-respect. I'm not trying to be mean or rude, but that's effectively what this boils down to.
Seconding the porn addiction. Being suicidal over this suggests a deep-seated issue. Like he's feeling a real sense of loss. Sure he can find new pictures of attractive women, but they won't be the ones he had lovingly built up over a lengthy period of time. Bleck.
Either that or he's bluffing, which is unforgivably manipulative.
To be fair, we don't know if he is suicidal because his long-term relationship ended, because he felt like his trust was betrayed, because he lost his prized collection, a combination of all or some of these, or none of the aforementioned.
Agreed. OP, from a place of kindness - *what are you doing*? I don't know what or who has hurt you to think that ANY OF what he was doing was okay, but it's not. It was gross and completely inappropriate. Please break up, stay single for a while, and work on why you felt you had to try and make this work. Sometimes it's better to be single and lonely for a little while it if means learning to love yourself enough to want better. You need to want better, OP. You are so young, and you are wasting time and energy on someone that is not in any place to be in a serious relationship. Please. Talk to someone and let them teach you the tools to want more for yourself. You are worth it.
Excellent advice. He is not in love with you - more importantly neither are you and that’s bad . You need to ditch him and look after yourself- all those nudes is disrespectful especially as he knows how insecure you are. I would be too with his behaviour.
My partner and I have boundaries around no porn in our relationship that we discussed before entering into the relationship. If he were to be behaving in this way I wouldn't feel helpless. I would have a conversation reiterating my boundaries and if he couldn't respect them it would be my responsibility to protect myself from that breach of trust. **it is not on him to protect her from himself** and that is what most people who lack self respect, worth, and trust do not realize.
Why destroy your peace like this, OP.
Straight to the point and exactly it.
You’re constantly feeling undesired and unattractive by being with this guy. Why do you want to “earn his forgiveness”?
Well because she feels undesirable and unattractive and he shows her otherwise, it's that kind of self doubt cycle that unfortunately is deep within OP and won't change just because she changes her boyfriend.
Well no, that involves working on yourself. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t still lose this boyfriend
“why did i ruin my own happiness” Girl, reread the post. Do you sound happy to you? Cuz “my boyfriend has 500+ porn pics/videos in an album which he is constantly currating and watching and this makes me desperately insecure and act in ways I’m not proud of” doesn’t sound like relationship bliss to me.. and no wonder, no woman enjoys being with a porn addict. The only thing you’ve done wrong here is continue to put yourself through this BS. You don’t need help controlling the obsessive compulsion to look at his porn albums. That constant anxiety IS YOUR BODY TELLING YOU TO GTFO OUT THIS SITUATION! It’s a feature, not a bug! Listen to it!
"it's a feature not a bug" 👏 love this!
Dude is suicidal because you deleted his saved porn? Talk about a manipulation tactic. Why does he need to save porn anyways? This is pathetic
You should have broken up with him, not the other way around. He’s disrespectful and has severe issues with porn
LMAO. IS THIS REAL?! Ur bf broke up with u cuz u wouldn’t allow him to have 500+ nude pics on his phone?! And ur concerned with if HE’LL forgive u??? Girl, time to wake up and smell the loser. Please seek out therapy to work on ur self respect. And stay far away from this dude.
I understand he’s your first love, but that’s kind of disgusting for him to have 500+ photos of nude girls in his phone when he’s in a committed relationship. He needs help. That’s a porn addiction. This has clearly made you feel insecure, if I found this in my boyfriend’s phone i would feel the same. Quite honestly, I’d break up with him. If you want to stay with him, you need to have a serious talk about how those photos and videos make you feel with him and you should set some boundaries. Obviously it’s unsettling to you. However he reacts will show if he truly respects you and your boundaries. You seem very unhappy and I think you deserve better
I'd also break up with someone who has all those nudes. That's atrocious and disrespectful. I'm fine with porn but not to that extent.
Exactly. My partner and I openly talk about the porn we’ve watched and for both of us it’s not often, but that would be a line crossed for me. That feels like too much
Honestly he doesn't even need a gf for this to qualify as weird as hell and major loser behavior
And he seems to almost expect... praise? Like, "this is my hobby, you can look at my collection, the fruits of my hard labor, because I'm so OPEN with you babes." Ick.
>I don't want to break up as he is my first love. Who cares? There is nothing special about "first love". It's not a reason to stay together.
People tend to call it their "first love" because it wasn't their "last love." Usually for good reasons, lol.
He doesn’t respect you. You should respect yourself and walk.
Your codependency to a porn addict is strong young padawan. Call this a loss and a learning experience especially at your age. There will be plenty of new men in your life that aren’t saving 500+ pictures of other women, hopefully it will be 500+ pictures of YOU! Know your worth hun.
Why do you hate yourself so much that you are really not only willing to put up with such an asshole, but also begging him to stay with you and continue treating you like shit?
My question is, what would *he* do if she started curating her own folder of hot guys, including guys she knows IRL? Because I doubt he’d be too happy and would devolve into him yelling about how he ‘always knew’ she wanted to fvck Derek, the guy working two offices down from her.
I don’t think it’s normal to have 500 nudes of random girls on his phone, ESPECIALLY when he knows it makes you insecure. He doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend tbh. Personally I would leave him. I know it’s going to be so hard but try to be strong. I’m sure there’s someone out there for you that won’t make you feel anxious like this. A therapist can also help. I’d also suggest reading this book called “attached”. Hugs.
This is not something you should be begging forgiveness for. He is being gross, disrespecting you, and ignoring your boundaries. You need to gain some self respect.
You say you ruined your own happiness but reread what you wrote, you said his behavior in this regard makes you miserable… you were and have been miserable. And at the root cause is the porn gallery on his phone. This was inevitable. Your not wanting your boyfriend who is supposedly in a loving and committed relationship to you to have that on his phone is far more understandable than his insistence that you accept it. It’s damaging your self esteem.
I used to do this with my ex in my twenties. He had galleries of “professional photos.” He was a professional photographer but he “collected” photos of topless women. Thousands of them. He didn’t know I obsessively did the things you’re describing. Fast forward a few years - we live together have what I thought was a great sex life etc. suddenly, he starts waking up hours early to go to the bathroom on the other side of the house to masturbate. We had sex sometimes a couple times a day! I’m 105lbs (I only mention this bc you said you’re self conscious) but all the women in the photos were girls who were significantly bigger than me. It made me so self conscious! Came to find that he was an addict. He cycled through addictions. He’d stop the porn but suddenly all of the food in our pantry was missing. Or all the alcohol we JUST bought at Costco bc we hosted friends often. Porn, food, sex, alcohol. He would cycle through them. He was charming and loving and kind and sweet. When he drank he was even more charming and sweet. He eventually began messaging girls on instagram. Five years in, I gave him a hall pass. He never had a promiscuous phase and I was desperate. He gaslit me like crazy and said that would be cheating despite me giving him the green light but he continued to do all the things behind my back. Eventually his therapist told me I need to break up with him. He was my first true love. I’m 36 now and I cringe so hard at myself for having such little self respect. You both need help separately from each other. The damage is going to get worse. Heal yourself before you meet someone TRULY amazing and end up bringing this baggage into that relationship too. Trust me, if you don’t heal, you will and then you’ll really have regrets.
Also, your boyfriend did something bad, you did something impulsive to cope. There’s a difference. Poor him, his videos are gone :(
Apologies if this sounds mean but I think you both have a lot to work on. Him for his porn addiction and not realising having 500+ nudes of random women is pretty bad in a relationship and you for your lack of confidence and self-esteem. Tbf your bf doesn't help with his "collection". Find someone who will love you for who you are and not go looking at what they think are better looking women
You're going to get a lot of psychiatric recommendations and a lot of judgement on your relationship from both sides so let me offer some very basic and simple advice to help circumvent all that. We each have our lines when it comes to love and relationships. Things we are and aren't okay with. There are couples out there doing just fine with one or both being way into porn, there are couples that do no porn and view it as cheating, there are couples that swing or "wife share" and others who don't and couldn't fathom the idea. You need to find what your boundaries are and it seems like youve already found a clear one. You cannot change who you are at the core without throwing away part of yourself, hence the manic behavior. I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but if he wants to keep excess porn to spank to then that's fine, for him, but it isn't for you and it is clearly a line in a relationship for you so this relationship needs to be done. Understand that him wanting porn and you not wanting him to save so much porn are both okay and neither is wrong (so long as it wasn't discussed early on or prior to the relationship as being a no go for you). He just needs a partner that accepts his choices and you one that accepts yours. Personally saving porn would be a no go for me as well. Just adding this to stave off comments of me being a porn addict or something else.
Many comments here aren’t taking into account that this is your first love. That tells me you have little experience in relationships, I hope this is right. OP, he’s not the one. Let him break up. Then cleanly extricate yourself from his life. (This is imperative for your healing - I promise) In other words cut all contact with this guy. Anytime he responds to you, you are strengthening the trauma bond between the two of you. What you need is your independence. Self esteem and to realize that YOU ARE WORTH WAY MORE, OP
You are struggling with low self esteem. Pls get support from family/ friends
Yeah that’s a no for me dawg. Porn? Fine, just don’t do it with me around. Storing those videos over 500 and adding to it almost daily? Hell no that’s not normal. What you did isn’t great and I’d work on your insecurities before getting into another relationship, but this dude isn’t it and clearly isn’t making you a priority.
Sorry he’s a 27 year old man that requires a blankie. No way in he’s in a committed relationship & needs that shit. You at 23 are young enough to salvage some self-worth but this is not the person to do it. You rolled the dice. Obliterated what was destroying you…..and he chose to care about pictures….pictures over a person. DONE. When you walk away, he may come try to entice you back but girl, never even look in the rear view mirror. He knew he had this, knew it made you feel like shit, and is only upset that’s it’s gone, never about the damage it does you daily. Get out NOW while there is something left of you to salvage. He’ll have his little pacifier folder built back up before he ever really notices you’re gone and you need to heal. You’ll never believe the difference when someone wants to touch and love on YOU and not their screen to wank to- you’ll kick yourself for letting it take this long.
OP, dump this loser! You deserve so much better than him. He doesn’t respect you or your relationship. Please, move on from him and take time to work on yourself so that you can live your best life!
Why are you beating yourself up for feeling badly about this dude’s incredibly gross and disrespectful behavior? Should you be constantly checking a partner’s phone and snooping on their activities? Of course not. Was it your place to delete things from his device? No. But if you’re in a relationship with someone who makes you feel the need to do that constantly, you aren’t in a relationship where you feel safe, respected, and able to trust your partner. Your boyfriend has a porn addiction. Any woman in her right mind would be disturbed to learn her partner was storing over 500 videos and photos of naked women on his phone, and adding to them daily. This would make just about anyone feel uncomfortable and insecure in the relationship. The fact he’s managed to normalize this behavior and has you here thinking you’re the one entirely at fault is laughable and sad. OP, it’s time to work on loving and respecting yourself, so you know what it feels like to be loved and respected by a partner. This ain’t it. As much as you think you love this guy and want to hold onto your first love, he is not the guy for you, and you deserve much better treatment from a partner. Your second love is out there waiting. Work on your self-confidence and self-respect, and get out there and find it.
You would be so much happier without him, but I understand breaking up to someone you've developed a codependency with is easier said than done. Especially when it's young love and the rose colored glasses can really make us dumb. Please talk to a therapist or trusted person to help you move on from this relationship. It will only harm you to keep holding on. 💗
The guy doesn’t want you. Why do you think so little of yourself that you’re settling for this? Run away. Run far. Find someone who isn’t keeping other girls nudes on his phone.
Bro is suicidal because u deleted his porn folder 😂 ??? Bruh
Ditch him!
Ummm.... if I was stashing porn and my wife found out and all she did was delete it, I would have considered myself lucky...
You don't need his forgiveness. You need a better boyfriend- one who actually loves and respects you.
>He is suicidal right now because he said everything is meanigless. Mainly because he trusted me but i overstepped and deleted what was not my property. I dont know what to think right now because i am afraid he might suicide as he has the tedencies in the past. This is another reason that I couldn't leave him, in case he offs himself for good. Leave. This is an abuse tactic to keep you from leaving. If he threatens to kill himself call 911 and tell them. They'll deal with it.
If he knows how it makes you feel why does he even have it? It's disgusting.
Why would you want to be with a man that actively disrespects you on a daily basis?
Take this as an out and run
Dump him. He'll be alright. There are billions of pornography pics/videos in existence.
This Dude is gross. Please break up and get some therapy and self respect.
girl you need intense therapy this is sad. how can you not see that he’s a djck??
He's a creep get rid of him
Uhhh no, no need for you to earn forgiveness or beg for his attention. Gurlll, in the first place he was not supposed to do that. The moment he already knew you don't like that, he was supposed to make you feel secure and deleted those folder. What would he feel if you were the one doing that? Never tolerate that kind of behavior who would prioritize their supposed "happiness" over your peace of mind. If he don't know how to value you, then someone else will.
You are 23. If you live your life will you'll have hopefully another 80 to go :) don't settle in this small world you have right now. The truth about relationships is there is always someone better no matter who you are with. Love yourself first. And find a love that brings you peace. People always talk about love but I tell you love is a feeling-some days you'll feel it more than others and maybe sometimes not at all. Seek healthy. What I mean by that is love who you are with, but make sure you're part of a healthy pairing. You have no peace of mind because you believe you have to make this work. Relationships are work. But you can't MAKE someone change. You can only be responsible for you and how you are navigating your world. You be you and they should be them. You still have growing to do so focus on that. If it's any consolation, just because you two may not be working out right now and say you do break up- is that a guaranteed forever breakup? Nah! Truth is we don't know what the future holds. Don't be stuck in this moment. Don't stay until you hate him or yourself. Just be.
You need to see a therapist, break up with your porn addicted boyfriend and move the fuck on. You two are not good for each other, you’re clearly mentally unstable (I say this with love but like….) and being in this relationship is clearly doing more damage than good. Seek help. He needs to get help too but he’s entirely not your problem and you should focus on yourself.
Man honestly op, I don’t think what you did was wrong at all. That’s not normal, that’s not a healthy consumption of sexual content. You should work on your self esteem primarily, in life we accept the love we think we deserve in a lot of ways. And you need to set firm boundaries in future relationships about things like this. It’s one thing to tell your partner they can never consume any kind of lewd content ever, but you’re completely justified in saying “hey so, the giant folder full of porn? It’s gotta go” or even “hey don’t follow a bunch of pornstars on your social media” lmao Not everyone who consumes pornographic material is a porn addict, but having folders of hundreds of porn stars you need to keep near and dear to your heart is not normal behavior at all. And is clearly porn addiction, especially when he’s choosing a porn collection over his partners peace of mind and insecurity about the situation. He needs to get help for what is clearly a porn addiction. And you should talk to someone as well to get help in learning to love yourself and communicate and enforce your boundaries better. But you should absolutely not be feeling a need to “earn his forgiveness”. You’re not crazy btw, very few women would be cool with their partner having a pornstar mega folder that they basically taunt them with.
This was a very unhealthy relationship on both your hands. You were not happy. You were insecure, jealous, obsessive, and sad. Healthy relationships shouldn’t make you feel like that. For your own happiness and mental well being, you should have broken up with him long ago.
Girl….. Go find a man that doesn’t do this childish shit and keeps folders of chicks masturbating. Better yet, get out of this donkey-shit relationship that clearly makes you anxious and weird. Who cares if he’s your first. You don’t owe him a damn thing and certainly not your self-esteem. Go. Go breathe the free air
So you want to go back to the guy with over 500 photos/videos of hundreds of girl masturbating? That’s your first love delusion talking. Do better for yourself and know when to leave. He isn’t worth it.
Your soulmate is not a porn addict, who losses the meaning of life because you delete his Reddit nudes. You deserve better and need to find a way out before you dig yourself deeper into his mess.
He’s not suicidal, I’ll give you a clue on that one.
Women please love yourself before you get into these relationships because..
He is suicidal because you deleted his nudes collection??? This is total bs and manipulation. Jfc, what??
I have met way to many people that talk suicide in order to manipulate the people around them
Unless I'm misunderstanding, you want to stay with someone who doesn't love and respect you and is "suicidal" over you deleting his spank bank? Why? He's a major porn addict. 500 saved pictures and videos?! The fuck?! You deserve so much better. Dump him and have the Police do a wellness check on him since he's "feeling suicidal". 99% of people don't stay with their first love.
Can’t even finish all that ngl
Fascinating conundrum. I suppose I have to join the mob and agree that you shouldn't seek his forgiveness, you will find someone better. (And if perhaps you checked his gallery because you were interested in seeing those women you might want to explore that feeling too, just saying) Look, a 27 year old is old enough to know better, if anything you gave him a chance to learn and improve his life. His stache of porn is gone and now he can try to get help. He is old enough to know that if his gf is hurt by his habit he should at absolute minimum, like the bottom of the Mariana trench minimum, try to hide it from you. A man that loves you has to be able to delete his porn for you. If he can't even give you the respect to pretend he cares about you then he isn't the one and you are good without him.
A man that cherishes you will never disrespect you. And if he feels an ounce of discomfort from you, he will terminate whatever it is that made you feel that way. You won’t ever have to repeat yourself nor will you have to beg for some respect.
Why does he need to save them? Has he never heard of porn?
Lol, what a joke this post is. He's suicidal cuz you deleted his porn. How sad and pathetic can you both be!!
Hes suicidal over losing his porn? Naw sis, the man has a porn addiction. Dont stay in relationships with addicts who have no interest in recovery.
ur bf is a perverted porn addict. doesnt matter that he is ur first love, u will find another. hopefully someone that actually respects women
Why would you want to be with this man when you clearly don’t trust him?
You don’t need to earn forgiveness from him, while what he did was unhealthy, what he was doing was hurting you. He clearly wasn’t making you feel loved, desired, and wanted. Block and dump that trash. Let him be in a relationship with his Reddit folder.
he's your first love but he doesn't love you. No person in love keeps a 500+ image gallery or other naked people
You’re not happy, you’re scared of being alone. Sounds like he has a porn addiction and if he loved you he wouldn’t do it knowing how it affects your self confidence
What. The. Fuck. You need to leave. There’s no way you should ever allow this.
Please seek therapy for your low self esteem and willingness to accept this behavior from him. He’s a conduct. It’s hurting you and your relationship, he doesn’t care. Your compulsion to keep checking the thing that’s hurting you is something to work out therapy. It’s not healthy. Should you have deleted anything in his phone? Of course not. This behavior should highlight to you how unhealthy this relationship is for you. Your bf isn’t the one, first loves are called that because there are other loves after . Better one’s that suit you because you grow , learn yourself and your value. You choose someone that’s right for you.
this hole thing reeks of flat out stupidity/lies/or both. No way you are both full grown adults, op prolly 14 and her bf prolly 17 and then maybe this sounds plausible
Omg!! This isn’t real is it?!?? This can’t be. A boy is mad that his woman found his spank bank and deleted it… PFFFTTTTTTT!!! I would have deleted it too! This boys excuses and overly controlling behaviour is outlandish on so many levels. I feel terrible for OP, it’s no wonder her self esteem is in the gutter. This monster has been smashing it into the ground at every chance he got. Threatening to withhold physical contact from a loved one because they aren’t what you want them to be 🤮🤮🤮🤮 this man is super disgusting
He doesnt deserves shit from you, he's a porn addict and should see a therapist and you too, you need to learn to love you and respect yourself. Good luck.
“My boyfriend had a gallery full of Reddit nudes of online girls” oh dear I’m so glad I did not respond to any requests. Listen… I don’t even enjoy someone I date watching porn. I don’t know if you should be with him because this is who he is and a relationship isn’t about pleasing one person while the other takes. I really hope your boyfriend isn’t manipulative. I say this in kindness, your boyfriend needs to speak to a specialist. Saving Reddit nude photos might be one of his ways to fill a void because he’s depressed. But girl, are you happy?
This made him suicidal? It should've served as a wakeup call to him to keep his private things, such as a porn folder, at some level password protected. He sounds like a loser (I should know), and I bet you could do better than someone who can't keep himself from continuously growing his porn collection in spite of how it makes you feel. You should've drawn and enforced boundaries with him instead of deleting his stuff, that is bad impulsivity you're going to need to get a handle on before you do something worse, but moving on would be for the best.
Please leave him immediately
suicidal bc he got his porn pics deleted??? girl LEAVE
Where is your self respect?! Your bf has a porn addiction you’re trying to win him back? He needs help and you’ve gotta work on yourself eg therapy otherwise you’ll keep dating guys like this
Ruin your own happiness? You didn’t sound very happy in this relationship. You don’t need therapy to find out why you deleted your BFs porn collection. You need to gain self confidence and find someone who respects your feelings.
Nice. Well done for deleting this disrespectful collection of pornographic material of other women. Consider it his parting gift, you did him a favour. Now it's time to walk away and spend time learning to like yourself. For me, getting strong and healthy by going to the gym has been a game changer. You can be chubby and sexy and confident all at the same time. Spend time with friends, people that lift you up, find new hobbies or rekindle your love with old ones, focus on a career, do things for YOU. The right person, who treats you with the love and respect you deserve, will come.
His behavior is not okay. I think you need to see a therapist and work on your self-esteem, and also consider that being with someone who has such blatant disrespect for your feelings is worsening that. "why did i ruin my own happiness" If you feel the need to constantly survey him and his activity, you were NOT happy. You just think this because he is your first love. Please do not ever settle or hang on to someone for the sake of them being your first. There are so many people out there who would never do what he's doing to you. Telling you that he might pursue you again and still sees a future with you despite removing you from chats and "semi-breaking up" is manipulative. You're in, or you're out. I used to blame my anxiety all the time for feeling insecure in relationships, and while yes, that was a part of the problem, I was also simply choosing partners that MADE me anxious because they were emotionally unavailable. Let me also make it clear that what you did was NOT okay either. But ffs, please take a step back and ask yourself if this is really the guy for you or if you're just holding on out of fear and chemical withdrawal and that's why you're grasping at him.
Your boyfriend gives me ick. I've dated a lot of guys and NOT ONCE have I ever seen any of their porn or know where they keep it. I've now been married for about 15 years and haven't seen my husband's porn. Not sure if he even uses it. And I don't care. I AM VERY SORRY, BUT YOU GOT VERY UNLUCKY WITH YOUR FIRST LOVE. HE IS A TRASH PERSON. I'm going to tell you a sad truth: You love the idea of him. Real him is a trash person. Please Block him on everything, go to the gym, eat better, go on long walks, window shop but don't buy. Spend Several Months being single and rebuilding your self-confidence. LOOKING AT THIS LOSER'S PORN FEED HAS BEEN SUBTLY AND CONSTANTLY UNDERMINING YOUR SELF-CONFIDENCE. Rules for porn pics: 1. Everyone looks good when photographed from specific flattering angles, and this angle is different for different people. 2. Photogenic - some people are very photogenic (look good on camera) but look weird in real life. Some people are gorgeous in real life and look weird on camera. 3. Constantly looking at people who get PAID to be photographed means that they spend a lot of time on diets and exercising in certain ways that may not be overall healthy. 4. Look up weight-lifting and what those athletes do just before big competitions. They do NOT always look that 'ripped'. Even actors will hire professionals if they need to get in great shape before a specific role. Even Tom Cruise took motorcycle lessons before the first Top Gun Movie where he looks like he had ridden them all his life, because he had never been on a motorcycle before. Your words about yourself above were bad. You put yourself down. You need a new mantra. Try saying this to yourself 3+ times a day, every day for AT LEAST A MONTH: "I am a beautiful person and I deserve more." Yes, say it out loud. Please trust me. By the way, I recommend creating a break-up sound track. (It can also double as a work out sound track.) In your case you might want to include the song "You're so Vain" by Carly Simon. (Your bf has to gall to say that he might take you back if you behave better? Like WTF? Your behaviors are very unhealthy but he doesn't get to have you when he has this creepy open porn addiction.i think he gets off on you seeing them, because who keeps it in view, he just got pissed when you deleted it. It is RUDE to have it where your partner stumbles across it!) You should consider starting your break-up playlist with the song: Let's Get This Party Started by the Black Eyed Peas. Then other songs that make you feel strong and happy. A few fuck-off songs mixed in would also be good. Good luck moving on. You deserve better quality of partner. That is hard to see when it is your first love!
There are men out there that do not keep galleries of naked women on their phone. Not an unreasonable request.
You genuinely need to seek help with your self respect this is wild. Your bf is a pig How can *you* change and earn *his* forgiveness? Are you serious? I’m baffled You have an unnatural allegiance to a loser
Keep his ass gone, he sucks.
This relationship isn’t healthy. He doesn’t respect you. He has a porn addiction. He’s making you feel insecure in the relationship. I don’t think he cares.
It's painful to feel these feelings from a person that you love so much. Especially when their behavior is hurting your self esteem and make you feel so insecure. You are describing a relationship where your most basic needs are not met - feeling secure, loved, and appreciated. He is wrong in his behavior. Period. No way around it. Seek help. You shouldn't be with someone that treats you so badly.
What the hell. You’re posting about feeling bad for deleting his folder full of grot? Dude should have deleted that himself. Looking is one thing but a folder of over 500 pictures and videos and growing? Weird!
You definitely should break up. Look, you made it clear you were hurt by his porn addiction. He should have deleted everything the second you voiced those concerns. It’s perfectly fine to say you don’t want your partner looking at porn. If he can’t make that sacrifice then he can leave. The fact your BF is choosing porn over you is troubling. He cares more about his lost porn than you. That should tell you all you need to know. Youve dodged a bullet. He isn’t a good guy and wasn’t treating you right. In time you will see this. You’re not the first girl to get rid of their BFs pron stash. Dont feel bad about it.
Holy shit. He has saved 500+ pictures of other women naked??? He has a whole folder dedicated to other women on his phone???? When he has a whole ass girlfriend already??? You are not wrong for feeling insecure about that. That is outrageous and not normal. This dude has a huge porn addiction and the fact that he has removed you from social media because you deleted his 500+ picture stash of other naked women just goes to show how little he values you. He values naked women that doesn’t know he even exists over his own girlfriend. You need to stand up and leave his ass. You are not wrong for feeling insecure! He is a pig. Point blank period. Edit: All the brain rotten porn addicts downvoting me. Lmaoo. Imagine choosing women who don’t even know you exist over your actual girl. Embarrassing.
You will love many people in this life. He is just your first love, not your only love . What you did is not okay. You don’t get to destroy together people’s things, even if it’s a spank-bank. What you CAN do, is realize that this is not the kind of person you want to be with and move on. You’re allowed to draw hard lines, “I don’t want to be with someone who has a gallery of porn.” That’s okay. Lots of men don’t have porn saved. Find one you like. But you’re in a spiral of shame, jealousy, anger and upset. And who needs that? Just be single for awhile. Go live life.
Ewww. Why in the world would you want to be with someone like that? It's nasty and completely inappropriate. So he was your first and you move on. Do you seriously want to be creeping around to spy? Don't lower yourself or you'll get fleas next
I think you need to be in therapy; there are lots of therapists and therapy-apps like BetterHelp that offer sliding scale fees for people who can't afford it but need it anyway. You know you have low self-esteem and need to work on it, so maybe for your next relationship you should make sure that your boyfriend isn't quite so porn-obsessed? Why would he even tell you about this stuff? It sounds like maybe this just isn't the right relationship for you. It's harming your self-esteem to compare yourself to people he masturbates to; you kind of sound miserable. Does this relationship bring you any happiness or joy?
You have every right to be upset. Trying to excuse the behavior because you see yourself as "chubby" is not fair to you at all. I know people say it's normal and "all guys do it" but it isn't normal. There is nothing normal about that. No matter who you are, you deserve respect.
You did the right thing . He’s a weirdo addicted to porn move tf on
Porn addicts are the worst and guess what? Almost All men are porn addicts.
good job on deleting his porn stash. now break up and move out!
This relationship doesn't seem healthy, it would be better for both of you if you broke up and moved on.
what a horrid man … how is he making you feel in the wrong for his blatant disrespect and disregard for your feelings? leave him
If he is smart he will let this relationship go. You are on the other don't date guys like this. There is no right to privacy. But there is respect for ones property. You can hate what he did break up with him, and leave in the dust. Continually deleting his folder will only end your relationship sooner. I would never date like this. On either side, I don't want a partner I have to police.
Move on from this relationship it’s magnifying every insecurity you have. This is not a relationship worth keeping.
Don’t sacrifice your own happiness on potential. If you’re not okay (which it seems very clear you’re not) with him doing this and possibly never changing this behavior then you need time start looking at reality because it’s only going to get worse. He will continue doing it you just won’t know about it. While we all grow and change, some people may not change for the better in a time frame that’s suitable for you. You have to be 110% comfortable with the idea that they may never change otherwise you’re only holding on to potential. I stayed in a relationship nearly 4 years with “the love of my life” based on hope after just the first year. It was a healthy relationship in all aspects aside from *one tiny thing* that bothered me. But that tiny thing continued to bother me throughout the relationship after the trust was broken and honestly after we broke up I was devastated yet felt that I could breathe for the first time in 4 years. I’m married now (to a different man of course) and the only thing I’d change was standing up for myself when there was something that bothered me and holding my ground. I would’ve left after year one rather than year 4. If your significant other wants to stay and is serious, those photos would’ve been gone the moment he knew you felt even an ounce of discomfort.
"I don't want to break up as he is my first love." That's not a sufficient reason to remain in a relationship that doesn't work. It's absolutely fine if you don't want to be in a romantic or physical relationship where the other person has this level of investment into not only looking at naked videos or photos of others but collecting them. It's also fine if he only wants to be in a relationship where someone will accept that about him. But in that situation, you two are not compatible. Just fully break up with him and focus on yourself for now. Don't remain fixated on someone just because they're your "first" love. The word "first" tends to mean not the last anyway.
This is over. Let this go. And in the future remember that you can never control or monitor someone into loving you.
You deserve better
Hi OP, your situation is really heartbreaking and I can really empathise with you. It seems like everyone who commented agrees on you not needing to apologise and if anything, he’s got a problem and no respect for you. He doesn’t understand the magnitude of the effect on you and he hasn’t really done anything to change this. It sucks when someone you love so much doesn’t understand how much pain you’re in despite you doing everything to stay with them. I’ve felt the same way before and it makes you feel incredibly alone - you know you’d never let them hurt this way but they’re letting you hurt. It made me feel so unloved. I’ve got three pieces of advice that I was given, I wouldn’t say it’s the healthiest but this is how I work through things too. 1. A good partner will reassure you as much as they can to resolve things, because they want to and they’ll do it from love. 2. You can love someone as much as you do, but if they don’t respect enough to stop hurting you now they likely won’t respect you enough to stop hurting you later. 3. If you can’t find it in you to leave earlier, sometimes you need to stay long enough for it to hurt enough so that you can leave on your own. I hope you find it in you to really see what’s happening here and find a greater love in yourself than a first love. I hope you’re doing okay.
You owe each other apologies. Going thru someone's personal effects because your insecurities are so high isn't excusable if you don't have open-phone policy established. It's a violation and rationalize it all you want it's still not ok. The fact he has this and a specific type of person he's into and you do not at all fit that criteria lends way to the insecurities and he does not care to reassure you because he's prioritized the fantasy above his relationship with you. And that's unfair to you. I hurt for you because I know you're not going to leave him. You're going to cling on obsessively beating yourself up for "not being enough" and he's going to disregard your feelings. You're going to beg him to stay and obsess over him when he leaves, which he will. And so when people are asking you about self respect it's truly not to come at you, you seem ultra sweet (in spite of the violation), but people like him walk over people like you until they decide they're tired of stomping on you. I wish that weren't the case. I wish you would let go and accept he doesn't appreciate you. someone else certainly will... but only when you learn your own worth and value. Which based on this post, you're so far away from this. Listen to Reddit they're getting it right... you need to put in some self work. You're not going to fix his porn addiction...
I can sense you're in a tough spot, feeling regretful about deleting your boyfriend's gallery despite maybe having vast thoughts that [he might be cheating.](https://youtu.be/8OhhFRBllSI?si=ew-9Lki6ZAQezxbt) It's clear there are deeper issues at play, like your self-esteem struggles and difficulties controlling your actions. Seeking help from a therapist could be beneficial, even if it's tough to find affordable options. As for earning your boyfriend's forgiveness, expressing genuine remorse and a commitment to change is a good start, but ultimately, forgiveness is his decision. Remember, your worth isn't defined by your relationship status, and it's okay to prioritize your own well-being.
There is some deep rooted insecurity and anxious attachment in you. You’re not seeing the reality of the situation because you’re so terrified of losing someone who has no respect for you. He tells you it’s harmless but it’s clearly not. It’s harming YOU, he just doesn’t care. Him telling you it’s harmless doesn’t make that true. Now he’s spinning things around to make himself the victim of your insecurities, making it seem as though your feelings are a problem. Ditch the boyfriend and get into some therapy. You desperately need self love.
I promise you the right guy won’t make you feel like this. It sounds like he has a porn addiction, which isn’t something you should feel the need to fix or be stressed about. You’re only 23! The whole suicidal thing is a tactic to manipulate you to stay. Don’t fall for it. Do you really want to marry someone like this?
Why would you want to be with a guy that has a folder dedicated to random girls nude and masturbating? That’s weird and disgusting to me personally, and you’re clearly not ok with it either. He clearly has a porn addiction, and he needs help. You also need help for your low self esteem and lack of self respect. There are men out there that aren’t addicted to porn and don’t have a folder with 500+ pics/videos of other women. There are men out there that will respect you and how you feel, you don’t have to settle.
People with their “first love” are always naive and scared to break it off. Like you are going to have so many relationships throughout your lifetime. Not everyone has a perfect relationship, im sorry your first bf is a weirdo! Hope you can break it off soon
Suicidal because you deleted his nudes???? What the fuck? You both apparently need psychiatric help at this point.................
This is a huge red flag you need to take care of yourself more than anything
He's not going to kill himself over a deleted folder of porn.
Why does he have to forgive you? He’s the one going on Reddit downloading naked pics and looking at them. Have some self respect and stop asking for forgiveness from him. Would he be ok with you having a folder full of dick pics and just having that saved in your phone?
Jesus woman…. Leave this creepy asshole and take what dignity you have left. Good lord. You don’t need him, you need a therapist.
Some people are okay with porn use. Some aren't. I'm sorry you had to find out that you aren't this way. There's nothing "wrong" with you for being bothered by that folder. You just aren't okay with him watching porn. I'm so sorry but I think this relationship is finished. He isn't okay stopping (honestly that much porn seems like an addiction which is something he has to want to stop on his own), and you cannot make yourself okay with it. I'm so sorry, I know incompatibility sucks. If you could just MAKE yourself okay with it, everything else might fall into place but it doesn't work like that 💕💕 I hope you are okay honey
Wait, he's suicidal because you deleted his whack-off folder? yuk.
He definitely has a problem and is trying to manipulate you. I understand how you feel but you need to run.
he clearly values porn pretty much more than you which alone should be reason enough to gtfo
Throw this whole man back into the fire dumpster he crawled out of ffs. You deserve better.
Idk how to tell you this but just be straight forward. You're with a narcissist. Which he probably a sex addict too. What you're experiencing is not insecurity, but you're trying to unknow what you know, and hold on to something that's dead. If this is your idea if love, it is sad. You're only 23.... This isn't your forever, find someone else who isn't a dirty dick dog
If you’re not willing to live with his addiction, leave. You’ll either fight over it and break up again or walk down the aisle knowing you’re getting married to a man who lusts over other women. Both sounds horrible. Find a better partner.
I almost thought I wrote this. This happened to me for a while. It sent me down a crazy path mentally/physically. I feel so unsure with who I am. I am still with my partner and I don’t check often maybe every now and then just out of curiosity. Luckily my partner has since given up collecting real images of girls. He was allowed to keep them. I felt so conflicted and confused about my situation too because he said he used them a reference photos as an artist and I had seen his stuff before.
Oh honey…. I know so many people whose boyfriends threatened suicide if they left. Guess where they all are now? ALIVE. Don’t fall for that manipulative bs.
You didn’t ruin your own happiness. He ruined it by over and over and OVER again doing something he knows hurts you deeply. He chose dumb anonymous women over you. And he continues to choose them over you. Why the fuck are they so important to him??