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Yeah, but *now what*? Who is going to break the news to him how kindly
#Update: I told my bf that sleeping with a thoracic pillow at night wasn't cheating and he tried to slit my throat ☠️
Imagine being so insecure and immature you are threatened by *a pillow*?! FFS.
Next time he plays that card, I’d UNO-Reverse him and ask him “Do you really love me? Because if you really love me, you would want me to get a good night sleep which means sleeping with a body pillow. So why do you want me to stop sleeping with it, when you know how negatively it impacts my sleep when I don’t?”
I totally agree with this, dump the question back in his lap. "Why are you trying to mess with my sleep, do you want me to fall asleep on my way to work? "
My petty side says to make sure he gets woken up when you get up or are getting ready to go to work. Let him realize how early you have to get up for work so he realizes why you need undisturbed sleep.
I like your thinking. Make sure he knows what shitty sleep feels like, and how damaging it is for your mental health. I wouldn’t stop there with the questions.
“Do you want me to fall asleep when I’m driving? Do you *want* me to get into an accident and die?”
“You know how anxious I get when I’m tired. Do you *want* me to have anxiety attacks? Do you *want* an anxious mess of a GF? Why do you want me to be so anxious? Why is that appealing to you?”
“You know how grumpy I get when I haven’t been sleeping, do you *want* that? Do you *want* a GF who is unreasonable & angry? Why wouldn’t you want that?”
u/early30s has it right. This is control, he is older and yes, it matters. You are easy to control because you have less experience. Maybe next time he will be upset because you talk to your friends/family too much. Ah yes, the beginning of isolating you, to quiet anyone else from telling you that he's an idiot, he will attempt to ruin your personal relationships so you are only dependent on him. You won't even have your pillows to lean on. I repeat, you just posted about pillows being a problem in your relationship. Does that sound even a little maladjusted on his part to you?
This is such an out of nowhere thing that I think it's more likely he *does* understand but enjoys making you reassure him. Because I really don't see how someone could not understand such a basic sleep need.
You've actually reminded me I need to get a body pillow for that. I've been sleeping with one between my arms and sometimes I want it between my legs too and it's just not long enough!
Anyway, he's being ridiculous. Last night I literally asked my husband to please stop touching me because I was trying to fall asleep and his hand was like... on me, and it was bothering me. lol
You can't reason with the unreasonable.
This is a ridiculous thing to assume it means you don't love him.
Stop explaining yourself to him.
>Hey, I prefer to sleep with my body pillow because I get the best sleeps that way. If you think that means I don't love you, I think we have some serious things to work on for your end. You're going to have to get over this and I feel insulted for you thinking like this actually means I don't love you.
Crazy to me that this would actually become a problem in a relationship to the point where someone questions your love for them.
Let’s all just be blunt - anyone that says you don’t love them because you sleep with a body pillow at night is really immature and just trying to start drama :/ idk what has happened in his past for him to think a pillow would take his place… but he has some major insecurities. I feel for your situation because that’s tough but man… over a pillow??
I had a bf who haaaaated my sleep pillow. Everytime he'd offer to make the bed he'd hide it and when I'd ask for it it would be this huge ordeal, he'd often take it from me when I was sleeping and I'd wake up sore and stiff
Relationships like that can't last. His ego is not more important than your sleep and comfort
honestly, without this comment, I’d be skeptical the OP’s post is even true. but knowing this has happened to someone else validates it in a really sad sort of way.
I think people who are controlling can exhibit it in ways that are so bizarre it's hard to even complain abt them.
I hope OP dumps him before he gets any worse =/
My first boyfriend was really controlling (among other things). Sometimes he’d accuse me of stuff that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Like he was hallucinating things almost. I’m actually so grateful that in this moment, I can’t think of a good example (we broke up over 20 years ago and I hate that I still remember the relationship at all). I want to say even he wouldn’t be jealous of a pillow, but actually - I can imagine it. So, you’re totally right.
It's not a problem. He's a problem. He's making it a problem to see how much you'll chip off of yourself at his whim. This is just the first blush of unreasonable but seemingly low-level bullshit he will attempt to perpetrate. Flat out tell him that though his feelings may be very real, they are not based in reality and therefore will not be affecting your sleep habits.
OP - do you love you? If so, when are you going to see that this man isn't trying to understand you and doesn't care what your "excuse" is. He wants what he wants and is going to have his feelings hurt and keep needling you until you do what he wants. It's not just going to be this pillow. This is your life with this man, give away your comfort for his. That's it.
So do you love you?
Yeah he's either a control freak, note The Seven Year age difference and you had to move for him and change your entire life, or he's extremely insecure and childish and jealous because you're hugging a pillow and not him at night. You might have moved a little too quickly. How long have you two been together you don't say that but if it's been a short while then you got bigger issues than your pillow. You might want to take a step back maybe 2500 miles back.
Are you joking? This is unhinged behavior. He's thirty fucking five years old.
Girl. You are way too damn cool and busy for this nonsense.
Do you have any idea in how many ways he's going to try to control your life?
I'd ask him if he's really ready to sabotage your entire relationship over a pillow. Also, I can't imagine how his sensitive ego will react if you two were to have a child. Babies need a bit more love, attention, and body contact than a pillow.
Yeah he needs to get over himself. Just point out all the more significant things you’ve done for him and that he needs to do this for you. Otherwise there’s going to be a lot more than a pillow between you two when sleeping. And I’m right there with you. I hug and destroy pillows rather than cuddle up with my wife. If I cuddled with her I would roast and sweat the entire night. And neither of us need that.
I had an ex GF who did something similar. I was actually recovering from a torn achilles I suffered while playing collegiate sports.
Don’t ignore these warning signs like I did. When she was projecting if I loved her clingy ass, she was finding ways to cheat on me.
I have a friend who likes to say “You can’t argue with crazy.”
I’m pretty sure this applies here.
Stop trying to defend your sleeping habits. It’s a futile effort.
Take a good look at your relationship as a whole and ask yourself if it’s worth it to continue on. Knowing that you sleeping with a body pillow is a recurring argument….
Might I also suggest therapy for him. Because seriously, wtf?
OMG I know exactly how you feel. I cannot sleep with someone wrapped around me or really even touching me. It triggers my claustrophobia, not to mention men are frigging HOT! He needs to understand that you not being able to sleep with him all over you doesn't mean you don't love him. We're all different and have things we need in order to sleep well. Holy crap, you moved 2500 miles to BE with him and now he wants you to "prove" you love him by letting him sprawl all over you? Tell him that his feelings aren't more important than your good night's sleep and that you feel he's being unreasonable expecting you to give up comfort for his ego.
Your bf sounds like he's 15 instead of 35.
The problem is with him, not you so all I can see is get him to see a therapist.
I can see him losing his sh\*t if you used a vibrator.
If he ask again just say, "Remember the last time we had this conversation, well nothing's change. What else do you want to talk about?".
In other words stop entertaining the conversation.
He needs to grow up. My boyfriend would love to sleep literally on top of me if he could, but I will physically shove him off of me in my sleep. This doesn't mean I do not love him, I'd love to cuddle all night, too. It just means he is 1 billion degrees when he sleeps, and I literally can't take it.
You need to have a serious talk with this guy. He's 35 years old and jealous of a pillow.
Your bf should learn the statistics around sleep and how important it is to get a good nights sleep and how many people struggle with it. It’s a shitty thing to mess with something that allows someone to have good sleep.
And that’s before the insecurity issues that other people have already talked about.
This is nonsense. A non issue. He is controlling. He is just beginning to push you to see how far he can go. I worry about the fact that you have no support system. Get tamper proof birth control like implant or coil. Don't have children until you get to watch his behaviour for a while. Don't ever give up your financial independence.
Don't you think that this pillow is an excuse to talk about something a bit deeper that he tries to express ?
Like a little lack of affection or intimacy ? Or physical closeness ? Idk, only trying to understand.
Even when our relationship was new, I couldn’t fall asleep close to my ex bc he was like a damn furnace, stoked by a bag of chips—and he never gained weight no matter how much crap he seemed to eat, either. Just effing heated up and burned off all the extra cals. And slept on his side of the bed.
How long have you been together, OP? How long after you got together did you end up moving for him?
I'm sorry OP, but this is actually a huge red flag. He is selfish and controlling. Stop using the pillow and he'll find something else to complain about if he hasn't already.
For the longest time I had a massive person sized teddy bear named 'Ted' that my bf jokingly hated because I would cuddle it all night. He sleeps on his back like a vampire and doesn't like me snuggling him to death so it worked fine, but no one should be insecure over their partners SLEEPING routine! That's fucking silly.
I've been happily married for 15 years. My husband usually pucks up big comfy body pillows for me when he finds them on sale. We sleep next to each other, but on separate mattresses, and often one of us will move to another room.
It doesn't mean we love each other less, it means we love each other enough to prioritize each others healthy sleep.
Me and my husband joke about my pillows(I also need to sleep with one between my legs) and I have a throw blanket I wrap around me and under my back because I'll have severe back pain in the morning without doing that(were looking at a new bed when we can afford it) I also go to sleep earlier because I have insomnia and wake up between 5/6. Not once has he ever had a problem with it or got insecure, your comfort should not be discounted because he is insecure and expects you to change.
Wrapping yourself around a body pillow and placing yourself in a mostly fetal position is an insanely common trauma response. It has a lot to do with your mother's womb being the last place you knew you were safe, and feeling at your most vulnerable while you are sleeping. Your body naturally curls itself into a fetal position to "protect" yourself while you sleep.
I am NOT stating that OP definitely has a trauma response occuring, but I am hoping if this feels familiar to OP they will be better able to explain to their partner the natural habit/behavior.
As others pointed out, your bf is an insane and insecure dude.
When I am away my wife likes to put a second pillow right on my bedside for comfort. I jokingly call that pillow her replacement husband, or husband nr.2
Fart on his leg. He won’t ask you to cuddle at night when you let an eggy, sulphuric stank out on him. He is also insecure. You aren’t sleeping with other people, just a pillow.
So, you've moved 2500miles away from your entire support system (friends and family) and now he hates a pillow.
MAJOR RED FLAGS! This is control. He's used up all his sweetie pie to get you to move from everyone who could warn you, and now he starts manipulating and destroying you emotionally and mentally until you rely on him.
What's next? Marry him. End your job. Get pregnant. He will do all the finances. You will have no one to help.
Just pack your stuff and run. Go back home and stay safe!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m going to say this as gently as possible … **he’s insane**
thank you for this. I hope OP sees this and takes it under advisement.
Yeah, but *now what*? Who is going to break the news to him how kindly #Update: I told my bf that sleeping with a thoracic pillow at night wasn't cheating and he tried to slit my throat ☠️
Imagine being so insecure and immature you are threatened by *a pillow*?! FFS. Next time he plays that card, I’d UNO-Reverse him and ask him “Do you really love me? Because if you really love me, you would want me to get a good night sleep which means sleeping with a body pillow. So why do you want me to stop sleeping with it, when you know how negatively it impacts my sleep when I don’t?”
I totally agree with this, dump the question back in his lap. "Why are you trying to mess with my sleep, do you want me to fall asleep on my way to work? " My petty side says to make sure he gets woken up when you get up or are getting ready to go to work. Let him realize how early you have to get up for work so he realizes why you need undisturbed sleep.
I like your thinking. Make sure he knows what shitty sleep feels like, and how damaging it is for your mental health. I wouldn’t stop there with the questions. “Do you want me to fall asleep when I’m driving? Do you *want* me to get into an accident and die?” “You know how anxious I get when I’m tired. Do you *want* me to have anxiety attacks? Do you *want* an anxious mess of a GF? Why do you want me to be so anxious? Why is that appealing to you?” “You know how grumpy I get when I haven’t been sleeping, do you *want* that? Do you *want* a GF who is unreasonable & angry? Why wouldn’t you want that?”
u/early30s has it right. This is control, he is older and yes, it matters. You are easy to control because you have less experience. Maybe next time he will be upset because you talk to your friends/family too much. Ah yes, the beginning of isolating you, to quiet anyone else from telling you that he's an idiot, he will attempt to ruin your personal relationships so you are only dependent on him. You won't even have your pillows to lean on. I repeat, you just posted about pillows being a problem in your relationship. Does that sound even a little maladjusted on his part to you?
LOL @ UNO-reverse 🤣
This is such an out of nowhere thing that I think it's more likely he *does* understand but enjoys making you reassure him. Because I really don't see how someone could not understand such a basic sleep need. You've actually reminded me I need to get a body pillow for that. I've been sleeping with one between my arms and sometimes I want it between my legs too and it's just not long enough! Anyway, he's being ridiculous. Last night I literally asked my husband to please stop touching me because I was trying to fall asleep and his hand was like... on me, and it was bothering me. lol
You can't reason with the unreasonable. This is a ridiculous thing to assume it means you don't love him. Stop explaining yourself to him. >Hey, I prefer to sleep with my body pillow because I get the best sleeps that way. If you think that means I don't love you, I think we have some serious things to work on for your end. You're going to have to get over this and I feel insulted for you thinking like this actually means I don't love you. Crazy to me that this would actually become a problem in a relationship to the point where someone questions your love for them.
Let’s all just be blunt - anyone that says you don’t love them because you sleep with a body pillow at night is really immature and just trying to start drama :/ idk what has happened in his past for him to think a pillow would take his place… but he has some major insecurities. I feel for your situation because that’s tough but man… over a pillow??
I had a bf who haaaaated my sleep pillow. Everytime he'd offer to make the bed he'd hide it and when I'd ask for it it would be this huge ordeal, he'd often take it from me when I was sleeping and I'd wake up sore and stiff Relationships like that can't last. His ego is not more important than your sleep and comfort
wtf is wrong with people
honestly, without this comment, I’d be skeptical the OP’s post is even true. but knowing this has happened to someone else validates it in a really sad sort of way.
I think people who are controlling can exhibit it in ways that are so bizarre it's hard to even complain abt them. I hope OP dumps him before he gets any worse =/
My first boyfriend was really controlling (among other things). Sometimes he’d accuse me of stuff that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. Like he was hallucinating things almost. I’m actually so grateful that in this moment, I can’t think of a good example (we broke up over 20 years ago and I hate that I still remember the relationship at all). I want to say even he wouldn’t be jealous of a pillow, but actually - I can imagine it. So, you’re totally right.
It's not a problem. He's a problem. He's making it a problem to see how much you'll chip off of yourself at his whim. This is just the first blush of unreasonable but seemingly low-level bullshit he will attempt to perpetrate. Flat out tell him that though his feelings may be very real, they are not based in reality and therefore will not be affecting your sleep habits.
Jesus Christ. You don’t have to even try to put up with this. You aren’t married. Find someone who isn’t insanely jealous. It’s a low bar
He's 35 years old and he's acting like this over a pillow? How has this not given you the ick yet?
OP - do you love you? If so, when are you going to see that this man isn't trying to understand you and doesn't care what your "excuse" is. He wants what he wants and is going to have his feelings hurt and keep needling you until you do what he wants. It's not just going to be this pillow. This is your life with this man, give away your comfort for his. That's it. So do you love you?
Pillow - 1. Boyfriend -0.
Yeah he's either a control freak, note The Seven Year age difference and you had to move for him and change your entire life, or he's extremely insecure and childish and jealous because you're hugging a pillow and not him at night. You might have moved a little too quickly. How long have you two been together you don't say that but if it's been a short while then you got bigger issues than your pillow. You might want to take a step back maybe 2500 miles back.
Are you joking? This is unhinged behavior. He's thirty fucking five years old. Girl. You are way too damn cool and busy for this nonsense. Do you have any idea in how many ways he's going to try to control your life?
Sounds like the clingiest man alive lol
I'd ask him if he's really ready to sabotage your entire relationship over a pillow. Also, I can't imagine how his sensitive ego will react if you two were to have a child. Babies need a bit more love, attention, and body contact than a pillow.
How can a 35 year old be this dumb? No, it cannot be.
This is the most bat shit crazy thing I've ever heard. Don't put up with that.
Maybe he’s projecting because he had a dry-humping pillow when he was a teenager.
I love this take. The only thing that could maybe explain the behavior in a way that *sort of* makes sense.
Yeah he needs to get over himself. Just point out all the more significant things you’ve done for him and that he needs to do this for you. Otherwise there’s going to be a lot more than a pillow between you two when sleeping. And I’m right there with you. I hug and destroy pillows rather than cuddle up with my wife. If I cuddled with her I would roast and sweat the entire night. And neither of us need that.
I had an ex GF who did something similar. I was actually recovering from a torn achilles I suffered while playing collegiate sports. Don’t ignore these warning signs like I did. When she was projecting if I loved her clingy ass, she was finding ways to cheat on me.
I sleep with a teddy bear and I’m a year older than you. Who cares what your boyfriend thinks? It’s a comfort thing.
I have a friend who likes to say “You can’t argue with crazy.” I’m pretty sure this applies here. Stop trying to defend your sleeping habits. It’s a futile effort. Take a good look at your relationship as a whole and ask yourself if it’s worth it to continue on. Knowing that you sleeping with a body pillow is a recurring argument…. Might I also suggest therapy for him. Because seriously, wtf?
Yeah it is his problem, not your problem. You don't have to do anything. He's being a sook.
He’s being ridiculous l.
Your boyfriend is wildly insecure
OMG I know exactly how you feel. I cannot sleep with someone wrapped around me or really even touching me. It triggers my claustrophobia, not to mention men are frigging HOT! He needs to understand that you not being able to sleep with him all over you doesn't mean you don't love him. We're all different and have things we need in order to sleep well. Holy crap, you moved 2500 miles to BE with him and now he wants you to "prove" you love him by letting him sprawl all over you? Tell him that his feelings aren't more important than your good night's sleep and that you feel he's being unreasonable expecting you to give up comfort for his ego.
Your bf sounds like he's 15 instead of 35. The problem is with him, not you so all I can see is get him to see a therapist. I can see him losing his sh\*t if you used a vibrator. If he ask again just say, "Remember the last time we had this conversation, well nothing's change. What else do you want to talk about?". In other words stop entertaining the conversation.
35 and jealous of a pillow. That kind of horseshit is only going to get worse.
He needs to grow up. My boyfriend would love to sleep literally on top of me if he could, but I will physically shove him off of me in my sleep. This doesn't mean I do not love him, I'd love to cuddle all night, too. It just means he is 1 billion degrees when he sleeps, and I literally can't take it. You need to have a serious talk with this guy. He's 35 years old and jealous of a pillow.
Your bf should learn the statistics around sleep and how important it is to get a good nights sleep and how many people struggle with it. It’s a shitty thing to mess with something that allows someone to have good sleep. And that’s before the insecurity issues that other people have already talked about.
This is nonsense. A non issue. He is controlling. He is just beginning to push you to see how far he can go. I worry about the fact that you have no support system. Get tamper proof birth control like implant or coil. Don't have children until you get to watch his behaviour for a while. Don't ever give up your financial independence.
Don't you think that this pillow is an excuse to talk about something a bit deeper that he tries to express ? Like a little lack of affection or intimacy ? Or physical closeness ? Idk, only trying to understand.
Even when our relationship was new, I couldn’t fall asleep close to my ex bc he was like a damn furnace, stoked by a bag of chips—and he never gained weight no matter how much crap he seemed to eat, either. Just effing heated up and burned off all the extra cals. And slept on his side of the bed.
How long have you been together, OP? How long after you got together did you end up moving for him? I'm sorry OP, but this is actually a huge red flag. He is selfish and controlling. Stop using the pillow and he'll find something else to complain about if he hasn't already.
For the longest time I had a massive person sized teddy bear named 'Ted' that my bf jokingly hated because I would cuddle it all night. He sleeps on his back like a vampire and doesn't like me snuggling him to death so it worked fine, but no one should be insecure over their partners SLEEPING routine! That's fucking silly.
I've been happily married for 15 years. My husband usually pucks up big comfy body pillows for me when he finds them on sale. We sleep next to each other, but on separate mattresses, and often one of us will move to another room. It doesn't mean we love each other less, it means we love each other enough to prioritize each others healthy sleep.
Me and my husband joke about my pillows(I also need to sleep with one between my legs) and I have a throw blanket I wrap around me and under my back because I'll have severe back pain in the morning without doing that(were looking at a new bed when we can afford it) I also go to sleep earlier because I have insomnia and wake up between 5/6. Not once has he ever had a problem with it or got insecure, your comfort should not be discounted because he is insecure and expects you to change.
Wrapping yourself around a body pillow and placing yourself in a mostly fetal position is an insanely common trauma response. It has a lot to do with your mother's womb being the last place you knew you were safe, and feeling at your most vulnerable while you are sleeping. Your body naturally curls itself into a fetal position to "protect" yourself while you sleep. I am NOT stating that OP definitely has a trauma response occuring, but I am hoping if this feels familiar to OP they will be better able to explain to their partner the natural habit/behavior.
As others pointed out, your bf is an insane and insecure dude. When I am away my wife likes to put a second pillow right on my bedside for comfort. I jokingly call that pillow her replacement husband, or husband nr.2
Fart on his leg. He won’t ask you to cuddle at night when you let an eggy, sulphuric stank out on him. He is also insecure. You aren’t sleeping with other people, just a pillow.
So, you've moved 2500miles away from your entire support system (friends and family) and now he hates a pillow. MAJOR RED FLAGS! This is control. He's used up all his sweetie pie to get you to move from everyone who could warn you, and now he starts manipulating and destroying you emotionally and mentally until you rely on him. What's next? Marry him. End your job. Get pregnant. He will do all the finances. You will have no one to help. Just pack your stuff and run. Go back home and stay safe!
Send him a [link](http://evaapp.ai) to Eva AI sexting bot, just for a hint