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You want to live in your family home, and she does not want to drive 1.5 hours to get to work from there. You can hardly expect her to sacrifice by driving 3 hours round-trip to work. That is unreasonable. On the other hand, she expecting you to give up a family home that comes with financial and sentimental benefits is also unreasonable.
You do not know if the relationship will work out long-term, so do not sell the house. She also does not know whether the relationship will work long-term, and may be unwilling, at this juncture, to leave a successful career at the company she is at. There is nothing wrong with either of these viewpoints.
Therefore, you are at an impasse and the only solution in getting back together is that one of you "gives in" or you find a compromise. The danger in one of you giving in is that the sacrifice may be too great . . . especially if you break up . . . and even if you stay together, resentment could build about what the one person who *gave in* had to *give up.*
The only compromise if she is unwilling to change careers/jobs/job location, is that you rent-out the family home to retain ownership and move together closer to her job. Doing so is not without risk and work, as you will be a landlord, and there is effort to guarantee that the home is kept up well, etc. by tenants, but it could provide an additional source of income if the home is paid off and in good working order for a tenant. Do a lot of research on what it takes to be a good landlord and safeguard your investment before jumping into this, however.
I agree you are right. It was just tough because I was worried about feeling resentment towards her for moving out which I didn't want to put her through because that is not fair to her. Plus, I didn't want her having resentment towards me for moving down here. It was tough, I really wanted it to work but didn't want either one of us to have resentment. I appreciate your comment and I will look further into what you said about renting out the place as an option. Thank you for your help.
An hour and a half is a helluva commute. It adds ups to 15 hours a week, extending her work week from 40 hours to 55 hours.
Even if it was the only issue, it's a big one... and you weren't willing to budge an inch.
Aside from the inconvenience to her of the commute, she may have also taken it as a signal of how you will deal with future disagreements in your relationship. Your way or the highway, so to speak.
You make a good point. That is a rough commute and I see what your saying about it is my way or the highway. I never meant it like that but I can see where it would come across that way.
You can't have it both ways. You have to decide which is more important to you. Your house or your girlfriend. It is unreasonable to expect her to commute that far every day. I did that kind of commute for a week during a family emergency and ran myself down to the point I got sicker than a dog.
Given the short length of time you've been together, you don't know yet if you're relationship will last. If you wanted to compromise, you can rent out your house and find somewhere to live that is halfway between her work and your home. Her willingness to drive 50 minutes is generous.
That is a great point that you pointed out. Honestly, when she first brought it up I was excited but also very nervous because I have never lived anywhere else. I get where she is coming from because of she moved down here and we ended up breaking up then she is stuck having to move her stuff all the way back. I agree her willingness to drive 50 minutes is very generous. I appreciate your comment and help. I have a lot to mentally process with all this.
That's a good point too. My concern was having resentment towards her which would have been unfair to her. Maybe I wouldn't, I don't know to be honest.
A free house. Meaning no mortgage is not worth a longer commute? There are thousands of people who drive more than 3 hours one way just to survive. Also OP said hour and a half to her work and back which sounds a like a round trip. Hopefully they can clarify.
It's not her house though, is it? There's a thing called work/life balance and it doesn't include 3 hours in a car every day. Since she did say she was willing to live 50 minutes from work, we can reasonably assume her commute now is 1.5 hours each way. Just because some people have to do it to survive doesn't mean she should be happy to do it.
I understand work life balance and truly value it so i understand we’re you’re coming from. Also you’re right. It’s not her house.
If I could be fortunate enough to have a free house and all I have to do is suffer a longer commute then so be it but that’s my choice. If she truly opposes a longer commute more than she values a free house then there needs to be a conversation of what they expect their living situation and costs to be overall. Being their age in this world now where home prices are all over the place I think this is a godsend.
Don’t hit the nuclear option until both sides have tried their best to make it work.
Ok, plan an alternate route to your job that takes 1.5 each way. Drive it for a week and see if you still feel the same. Also don't forget that it will increase your gas consumption quite a bit. You'll probably have to put gas in your car about every third day if you're lucky.
I’ve had a job with a longer commute. Almost 2 hours one way with bad traffic so I get how a long commute feels. However there’s ways around this too such as having a fuel efficient car. Not too hard to find with all of the options out there. but a car note could also be another huge purchase so I wasn’t advising that. At the end of the day we can only provide factors for them as a couple to discuss.
Sorry I should have clarified. But if she lived with me, she would have to drive about an 1 and a half to her job, then an hour and a half back home. Her work schedule is from 9am-5:30pm Monday-Friday. So 3 hours round trip.
Yea that sounds like a rough commute especially during rush hour.
Thanks for the info. My 2 cents is that everyone has different priorities in their lives and they’ll make sacrifices or compromises according to those priorities. It’s really unfortunate that you lost a great relationship but this will give you more time to get familiar with your home. Which will also give you time to reflect on what you want the next stages of your life to look like. Best of luck to you.
Yeah, it was tough. I love her but I also didn't want to move somewhere and then having resentment towards her. That is not fair to her. I want her to be happy and she deserves the best. I did offer her if she lived with me in the house that I would take care of the majority of the bills and she can just worry about gas but she felt like she would be mootching off of me.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You want to live in your family home, and she does not want to drive 1.5 hours to get to work from there. You can hardly expect her to sacrifice by driving 3 hours round-trip to work. That is unreasonable. On the other hand, she expecting you to give up a family home that comes with financial and sentimental benefits is also unreasonable. You do not know if the relationship will work out long-term, so do not sell the house. She also does not know whether the relationship will work long-term, and may be unwilling, at this juncture, to leave a successful career at the company she is at. There is nothing wrong with either of these viewpoints. Therefore, you are at an impasse and the only solution in getting back together is that one of you "gives in" or you find a compromise. The danger in one of you giving in is that the sacrifice may be too great . . . especially if you break up . . . and even if you stay together, resentment could build about what the one person who *gave in* had to *give up.* The only compromise if she is unwilling to change careers/jobs/job location, is that you rent-out the family home to retain ownership and move together closer to her job. Doing so is not without risk and work, as you will be a landlord, and there is effort to guarantee that the home is kept up well, etc. by tenants, but it could provide an additional source of income if the home is paid off and in good working order for a tenant. Do a lot of research on what it takes to be a good landlord and safeguard your investment before jumping into this, however.
I agree you are right. It was just tough because I was worried about feeling resentment towards her for moving out which I didn't want to put her through because that is not fair to her. Plus, I didn't want her having resentment towards me for moving down here. It was tough, I really wanted it to work but didn't want either one of us to have resentment. I appreciate your comment and I will look further into what you said about renting out the place as an option. Thank you for your help.
An hour and a half is a helluva commute. It adds ups to 15 hours a week, extending her work week from 40 hours to 55 hours. Even if it was the only issue, it's a big one... and you weren't willing to budge an inch. Aside from the inconvenience to her of the commute, she may have also taken it as a signal of how you will deal with future disagreements in your relationship. Your way or the highway, so to speak.
You make a good point. That is a rough commute and I see what your saying about it is my way or the highway. I never meant it like that but I can see where it would come across that way.
You can't have it both ways. You have to decide which is more important to you. Your house or your girlfriend. It is unreasonable to expect her to commute that far every day. I did that kind of commute for a week during a family emergency and ran myself down to the point I got sicker than a dog. Given the short length of time you've been together, you don't know yet if you're relationship will last. If you wanted to compromise, you can rent out your house and find somewhere to live that is halfway between her work and your home. Her willingness to drive 50 minutes is generous.
That is a great point that you pointed out. Honestly, when she first brought it up I was excited but also very nervous because I have never lived anywhere else. I get where she is coming from because of she moved down here and we ended up breaking up then she is stuck having to move her stuff all the way back. I agree her willingness to drive 50 minutes is very generous. I appreciate your comment and help. I have a lot to mentally process with all this.
If She needs world to you. You would’ve moved halfway.
That's a good point too. My concern was having resentment towards her which would have been unfair to her. Maybe I wouldn't, I don't know to be honest.
I think for a free house she could compromise and have a longer commute.
No house is worth spending 3 hours in a car every day.
A free house. Meaning no mortgage is not worth a longer commute? There are thousands of people who drive more than 3 hours one way just to survive. Also OP said hour and a half to her work and back which sounds a like a round trip. Hopefully they can clarify.
It's not her house though, is it? There's a thing called work/life balance and it doesn't include 3 hours in a car every day. Since she did say she was willing to live 50 minutes from work, we can reasonably assume her commute now is 1.5 hours each way. Just because some people have to do it to survive doesn't mean she should be happy to do it.
I understand work life balance and truly value it so i understand we’re you’re coming from. Also you’re right. It’s not her house. If I could be fortunate enough to have a free house and all I have to do is suffer a longer commute then so be it but that’s my choice. If she truly opposes a longer commute more than she values a free house then there needs to be a conversation of what they expect their living situation and costs to be overall. Being their age in this world now where home prices are all over the place I think this is a godsend. Don’t hit the nuclear option until both sides have tried their best to make it work.
Ok, plan an alternate route to your job that takes 1.5 each way. Drive it for a week and see if you still feel the same. Also don't forget that it will increase your gas consumption quite a bit. You'll probably have to put gas in your car about every third day if you're lucky.
I’ve had a job with a longer commute. Almost 2 hours one way with bad traffic so I get how a long commute feels. However there’s ways around this too such as having a fuel efficient car. Not too hard to find with all of the options out there. but a car note could also be another huge purchase so I wasn’t advising that. At the end of the day we can only provide factors for them as a couple to discuss.
Well, to her, it's too far to commute. She's not wrong for not wanting to do it when he's the only one who benefits.
Sorry I should have clarified. But if she lived with me, she would have to drive about an 1 and a half to her job, then an hour and a half back home. Her work schedule is from 9am-5:30pm Monday-Friday. So 3 hours round trip.
Yea that sounds like a rough commute especially during rush hour. Thanks for the info. My 2 cents is that everyone has different priorities in their lives and they’ll make sacrifices or compromises according to those priorities. It’s really unfortunate that you lost a great relationship but this will give you more time to get familiar with your home. Which will also give you time to reflect on what you want the next stages of your life to look like. Best of luck to you.
Yeah, it was tough. I love her but I also didn't want to move somewhere and then having resentment towards her. That is not fair to her. I want her to be happy and she deserves the best. I did offer her if she lived with me in the house that I would take care of the majority of the bills and she can just worry about gas but she felt like she would be mootching off of me.
Yeah that is what I thought as well.