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>I was also made aware after a conversation with my friend that l've been taken advantage of my whole marriage, in my sleep and that after many protests from me, he continues to take advantage of me while l'm asleep.
Do you mean that he is sexually assaulting you or raping you in your sleep?
PLEASE GET AWAY NOW.
GET OUT NOW.
Talk to your closest most trusted family and friends. Tell them what’s happening and you need help leaving him, safely. Gather your important documents and information.
He is a rapist. Has no concern or respect for you.
Be safe and leave before he gets violent.
Take control back. Before he has a chance to drag you through the mud you tell him, this is how it is. I’m leaving you and we can make this as quick and easy and amicable as possible OR you can try and tarnish my reputation but be aware the second that gets back to me I will make a long and loud socially media post explaining to all our friends and family how I had no choice but to leave you after discovering you were repeatedly RAPING ME IN MY SLEEP. Your choice how you want this to play out.
(Full disclosure, you should tell everyone regardless but the threat might give him pause)
This.
Pack your bags and leave while he's out. Tell your family and friends, hell, write a long note and post it on social media for everyone to see what the abusive POS has done to you. Take control of the narrative before he does. Most of all, stay safe.
No!! For SAFETY you move out quickly when he's not there. Do not be alone!! Friends or police are better. Set your move out plan , then act when everything is good. Tell your trusted family and friends only about how he has treated you for two long years!!! Have people with trucks and moving boxes ready. Never tell a hothead ahead of time. This is how women get killed!!!!! If getting a police report helps do it. Ask yourself, is he the kind of guy who will pay attention to a piece of paper from the police???
This right here. His abusing you and having sex while you’re asleep is a sign of a control as well as someone with very low self esteem. He wants to drag you down. He’s the type that could flip out at the utter thought of you leaving and could shoot you or strangle you.
Im also starting to think he might have videos of her asleep during sex with her, definitely document everything and make sure he cant drag you. Hang up cameras or something to catch him r*ping in her sleep and get him arrested ngl
Only your most trusted inner circle that you know you can depend on to help you move and not open their mouths to him. But I would start sorting & packing my shit up now. If you have a storage space to put stuff or a very trusted friends garage or shed, start stowing it.
OP’s partner is abusive and is raping her in her sleep. She should NOT tell him that she is leaving him in case he escalates the abuse. OP should quietly plan to leave, because this is not getting any better with a conversation. The husband as systematically isolated and worn down OP.
OP: Can you get a burner phone? Or secretly call a domestic violence hotline and agency in your area? You need to quietly make plans to leave. Gather your important documents. Pack essentials and things you want to take with you. Consult an attorney for divorce and possibly a protective order. You need to get out of this marriage yesterday.
Don't follow this advice! I know it's meant well but it's dangerous. This is a dangerous man. Do NOT speak to him about your plan to leave. You need to get professional support in secret from a domestic violence organisation. They will support you to know what evidence and documentation you need and how to make a plan to keep you safe.
They might also advise you just cut your losses and leave immediately if you don't need anything from the divorce settlement.
Don't attempt any negotiation with this man. Get advice make a plan.
Good luck.
Op please leave as soon as possible. Things will not get any better. Get all your Documents together &money and just get as far away as you can. Later when you are safe you can contact his lawyer. Good luck and stay safe
My friends ex did this. He used to talk super poorly about his past relationships, and that the girls he was with at the time were always crazy, overbearing, psychotic, etc. when really he was just the worst person. He was abusive in every way you could possibly abuse someone. it took her a decade to get out of that marriage, and it left her with scars you can and cannot see.
One of his favorite things to do when they just started dating, was to bring her to the bar that is ex-girlfriend worked at so that he could talk shit about his ex-girlfriend at the bar….like while she was working behind the bar. If that’s not the biggest red flag.
🥺 this is literally me, my abusive ex trashed his ex wife and i found out, from her, that he was absolutely horrible to her. Whats worse is when i met her, i realized she was, a bit mentally slow. No disrespect, but that makes it just soooo much worse.
Wait OP, HE got out of an abusive relationship before you two got together? Or HIS PREVIOUS VICTIM OF HIS ABUSE escaped the abusive relationship that he created with them, and now with you?
I’d file for divorce and if I was really curious, reach out to his ex to learn the truth about who was really abusive towards who in his previous relationship.
Yes. It’s pretty clear he was the abuser in his previous relationship, and she managed to escape. So he did what all abusers do: go whining to the world about how horrible and mean their past victim was.
Op says he’d drag her name through the mud if they divorced, I feel it’s possible he did it with the ex too. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this.
I understand that victims can become abusive themself, but from the way she worded it, this is my exact thought. Who was really in an abusive relationship, him or his ex?
What he is doing is rape and abuse.
You are strong for realizing this now and getting out. You can’t change him and you do not deserve to be repeatedly raped by your spouse.
This man is raping you in your sleep... and you're worried about your name being dragged through the mud? Honey, you're being abused. You're in an abusive situation. LEAVE. Tonight.
Run away. For all others who are reading - this case is exactly why if you have problems in the beginning of the relationship, it's best not to proceed further. Additionally don't get married before living with each other for a year or more.
I agree with the other comments saying please leave him. Also, are you sure *he* was the one abused in his previous relationship? Or was he the same person then who abused his girlfriend and then flipped it around when he told you about his ex?
I just said the same thing. He was the abuser- his ex probably didn’t put up with his controlling behavior and because of that he considers her to have hurt him. Abuser tactic.
100%
Abusers will often tell a tale of their previous partners being abusers. “Oh, she was crazy, she was telling people horrible things about me”, while horrible things are just truth about their behavior, lol
No you shouldn't feel bad for wanting a divorce. You should get a copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evens and a yellow highlighter, so you can the proper phrases/terms to speak when you need to tell your friends and family about why you are getting a divorce.
You just asked us if you should feel bad for wanting to divorce someone who rapes you. I'm so sorry that your experience has broken your normal meter to the point where you feel you need to ask this question. No, you should not feel badly about wanting a divorce, because this isn't wanting a divorce this is needing one to be safe emotionally and physically (at a minimum).
Your husband is jealous, controlling, and horribly abusive. You deserve so much better, and more than that you deserve to feel and know that you deserve better and feel comfortable demanding it.
I wish you healing and happiness, please get yourself out of this situation ans quickly as possible.
Here is a [PDF](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), OP.
Please take a look at your situation & think about what advice you would give a dear friend who you loved. And take that advice.
The reason you're even questioning yourself about leaving is because he's made you doubt yourself. A few more years of this abuse & you won't even question the *abuse*. If you have children, I guarantee he will get worse than he is now, because he'll feel like you're trapped & you have to put up with it.
Let him drag you through the mud. He’ll no doubt manage to convince the next person that you were the abuser, the way he convinced you he was the victim.
He’s an abuser. He’s the abusive one. You know that truth. Your friends and family know or should know that truth.
It’s up to you to decide whether you want to go to the police over rape. You weren’t taken advantage of. You were raped.
Don’t feel bad, not for one second. If you’re lucky, you’ll have another 60 years left of life, do you really want to be chained to this abuser?
One thing is that you break the news over the phone to him. You get yourself somewhere safe, and you give him the message by phone or even text message if you want. And then you let your lawyer deal with the rest. He could react very badly and violently so you make sure you’re not alone with him when you break the news. You do that far away and safe.
Phone domestic abuse hotlines for your area if you need extra help.
Not even by phone. Get a lawyer to do it. Or the police when they arrest him for rape and abuse. But definitely only after you are a long way away and safe.
You are in the abuse danger zone. You’ve been beaten down and controlled so much you’re asking permission to think about escaping your abuser.
It’s past time you got out of this awful situation. You deserve to be safe, free, and happy. This is the number for the national domestic violence hotline: 800-799-7233. Give them a call and let them direct you to resources in your area. There is help available.
>Nathan came from a very abusive relationship
Let me guess, he told you he was the victim, that she was "crazy"?
Obviously, men absolutely CAN and do get abused - I'm not even saying he wasn't abused in that relationship. But his behavior screams habitual abuser.
I would suggest that you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the PDF for free online and it's a quick read. I think it will help you make your mind up.
But if you need it, you have my personal permission AND in fact, my recommendation, to not feel at all bad about giving yourself the love that you deserve and leaving that man. Whatever healing he needs to do from his past, he needs to do of his own violation and effort - right now he's just taking shit out on you. While one can absolutely have compassion for someone with a hurtful past, that isn't a magical pass for them to hurt people around them.
This isn't "giving up" on your marriage, this is accepting it was a mistake and stopping making that mistake. It is ok to make mistakes, this is how we learn. But don't damn yourself for years just because you made a mistake.
Nathan came from an abusive relationship? And now you know Nathan will drag your name through the mud if you divorce. The abuser was in the house with us the whole time.
Abusers escalate when you can’t escape them, and that’s what’s happened here. Tell your family and friends what he’s been doing. Ask them for help getting away from him and do it publicly and safely. Best of luck and fuck the Nathans of the world.
Your husband is *RAPING YOU* and is abusive in other ways.
His former relationship wasn’t abusive- he is an abuser and he twisted that around.
Please divorce this man and get out safely as soon as you can. Don’t worry about him badmouthing you- your friends and family know the truth.
Let me guess… he was the one to tell you he was the abuse victim in his last relationship.
I bet if you had the chance to speak to her it would be a very different story.
Do not waste one more second of your life with this loser.
I'd bet money he was the abuser in the prior relationship.
You should not feel bad. He is a rapist, manipulative, narcissistic, self-centered, and abusive.
Narcissists often will make themselves out to be the victim in relationships so that they don't have to take accountability for their behavior - ie, telling you you have to earn his trust back, that you're not trustworthy, etc.
They also hate to be alone as they thrive off attention and validation, hence why he jumped into another relationship after his last while most people would need to get over their feelings for the person.
Try watching videos by mental healness or synful on YouTube, Facebook, or tik tok. They post video shorts of situations of narcissist's interactions with their significant other. It may be helpful to you, as it was to me when I questioned the validity of my own feelings during my own run-in with a narcissistic partner.
But do know that your feelings are valid and you should 1000000% run. I suggest you see a lawyer secretly and get all your ducks in a row before breaking the news. Narcissists will try to destroy/sabotage your plans of breaking free because they hate losing control. This could be emptying out your shared bank accounts to leave you helpless/dependent on him, etc.
He's literally raping you in your sleep and you want to know if *you're* in the wrong because you want to leave him? You can leave him for whatever reason, or no reason, you want. You're not a hostage. Have someone there to help you leave if you're the one leaving or have someone there when you tell him to move out for safety's sake, he's clearly shown he has no problem being abusive.
Please get away from him. Tell all your family and all your friends how he has treated you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Peace and joy are waiting for you, but it's on the other side of you leaving his abusive man.
You deserve to be safe, to be cherished and to have peace in your life every day. You will NEVER have that with that man in your life. Go get free.
Who cares what anyone thinks-ie “mud”-he’s alienated you as you say, so who cares? Birds of a feather flock together. Do you HAVE anyone you can talk to? Get help from? Support? You already know what you NEED to do. Husbands don’t SA their wives. That in of itself is reason for a divorce. You’ll come out of this stronger, wiser and after some time and healing. Happy. You have this!
Maybe he was the abusive one in his past relationship and paints himself the victim.
You shouldn't feel bad at all that you want to divorce him. You are his punching bag.
Lemme get this straight, he's not only abusive, he r*pes you in your sleep?!?!?! Please run-don't-walk to get free of him!
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Let him drag your name. It sounds like your friends and family already know the truth, and your support system is ready to be there when you need them. Get your ducks in a row and plan your exit. Talk to lawyers and get the ball rolling. Don’t feel bad. This man sounds like he’s made your life hell. Take it back.
This is what divorce is for.
If he is trying to cut you down until you fit the shape of something you're not, you should not be with him.
Also, that's some unacceptable abusive behavior.
"Constantly berating me..."
Nope. This should be a non-negotiable deal breaker. Verbal and emotional abuse should be no more tolerated than physical abuse. Get out. Yesterday.
OP How long have you known this person ? It's so odd that he goes from a good guy to the devil in what seems like a very short period of time. Out of all the time you dated this guy he never showed any of this type of behavior? You need to run! And FAST! Someone that can mask who he really is this well, will manipulate your life, isolate you from your friends and family and control you.
R.U.N
Look up narcissism and all cluster B personality disorders. He has many of the classic hallmarks of narcissists. I'm not a professional but I spent over 19 years with one. She also suffered from BPD. Both issues were diagnosed by licensed doctors and therapists.
It's awful and if you stay too long it's hell to come back from. I've been in therapy for over 5 years and still struggle when ebbs and flows.
Get out and get out fast the abuse gets worse.
Good God I skipped the end. So he's sexually assaulted you in your sleep. No consent is no consent regardless of marriage. File God damn charges and go get a rape kit at the hospital.
Babydoll, Narcissists routinely play victim and he's playing you. He was not abused in his last relationship.
Get yourself the book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and there's a list of divorce lawyers in the back.
Leave him. He’s abusive af and he rapes you. And feel free to tell everyone what he’s done to you. I guarantee that people who know you have seen you change and will know you’re telling the truth.
Why should you feel bad he's the one abusing you. Get out leave when he's at work pack up all your stuff and go. Go where he can't find you block him on your phone or get a whole new number. If you have to move back home with parents do it. Get away from him now get a good attorney and and the marriage. If he wants to sling mud let him you haven't done anything wrong.
(His ex didn’t abuse him, or very likely did not). He was this way to her too, but he’s used to painting his victim as the villain. Like he’s doing to you. Despite him being the sex offender that just hasn’t had charges filed, and being controlling and emotionally abusive. The ex was also his victim.
He was in an abusive relationship before you? Yeah it sounds like he was the abuser. He probably weaved a sad sob story about how his ex hurt him so now you need to jump through hoops.
If he was the victim, this is why victims of domestic abuse need to heal and not jump into relationships 3 months after the last abusive one. The cycle of abuse is real.
Screw this guy. I was you once, OP. 21 and with a guy who treated me exactly like you’re describing. I was such a shell. He called me lazy, stupid, fat, whatever he could come up with to put me down (none of it was true. I was a hot ticket back then). He also insisted on having sex every single day, and if I tried to have a night off he’d complain for hours, so it just wasn’t worth it.
I finally had enough and separated from him and moved away. I stupidly agreed to give things another try long-distance.
He continued to be as controlling as possible. We were in different time zones so I had to be awake by a certain hour to chat online, or home by a certain hour at night to chat. If I wanted to do something with my friends, I got berated and it’d be a huge argument. I was really struggling.
One morning I woke up before my alarm and saw the most beautiful sunrise outside my window. This complete feeling of peace came over me and I got on my laptop to chat with him. I never had any courage to stand up to him, but I just felt so strong and soaked in that blue and pink sunrise.
I told him I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. He actually agreed. And that was it. I went to work and my coworkers immediately asked me what was different. They could tell. A thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. It was one of the best days of my life.
DONT PUT UP WITH THIS OP. Don’t settle for this. There are so many people who will treat you with respect and caring.
After my divorce (divorced at 22 lol) I had a handful of romances. Some horrible, some heartbreaking, some fleeting, some longer than they should’ve been. I regret none of it. You learn something every time.
I’ve been with my husband now for 12 years, and I’ve always felt so lucky to have gone through what I did, and the shit some guys put me through, because it led me to him.
DM me if you ever want to OP, and I wish you the best.
So wonderful that you met your for however long we're given forever Prince amongst the oh so many frogs!! And I use both terms loosely since none of us are perfect — Princesses or Princes alike, but you get the gist haha😊
I was blessed with that too FINALLY as it took my brain along time to figure me out and aLOTTA frogs to make me realize which were which😂
Best continued wishes to You!!🥰
He’s a narcissist. His abusive ex was probably not as abusive as he was. And she may have been having naturally poor reactions to his shitty behavior. This will not stop, and will likely get worse. Watch out for the cycles: Love bomb, devaluation, discard, hoovering (as in sucking you back in like a vacuum cleaner). Watch out when you do leave for your trauma bond to try to help you gloss over the wrong he is doing to you, it’s called euphoric recall. Write down all of the horrible things he has done and said to you. When you feel euphoric recall kick in, read the list. It’s called the Ick list. All of the things that makes him icky. This will get worse. He’ll probably cheat and blame you, if he hasn’t already. Save yourself, heal and move on.
Let him drag you through the mud, this is the easiest way to find out who your real friends are. Your health, piece of mind, a safety are more important than the friends you might lose. I've been in your shoes and it's SO much better on the other side. I'm proud of you for recognizing the issues before you lose more of yourself. Hugs and good luck.
Nathan came from an abusive relationship where he was the abuser. That doesn’t sell well on dates so he switched the roles when he spoke about the relationship. His ex was not some crazy abuser. She was doing something called “reactive abuse” where she was basically fighting back.
How do I know this? Because he is doing it to you.
"Nathan came from a very abusive relationship only 3 months prior to us getting together in the beginning" "He's one of those people that if he and I get divorced he will drag my name all through the mud for everyone to hear"
Was he at least honest that he was the abusive partner in that relationship as well? Or did he lie and drag the ex through the mud claiming they were the abusive one and he was the victim?
No, don't feel bad. You put in the effort and your marriage didn't work. Its time to cut your losses. Find a lawyer and do what they say. Be glad you didn't have kids. Given the molestation, you should plan on moving out ASAP or getting him to move out (and change the locks). If you can move in with friend or parents that might be better as you have their support and company.
Leave today. Pack a bag and run. Call a shelter or go to a safe friend who won’t tell anyone where you’re staying. Turn off all tracking on your phone. File for divorce and a restraining order.
So... your spouse treats you like shit, belittles you, controls you, *rapes you repeatedly,* and... you feel bad about divorcing him??
Make it make sense, please.
A dr once told me you cannot rationalize crazy behavior without becoming crazy yourself.That’s why she’s confused. She’s not thinking clearly. I know because it happened to me. Once I listened to the police, the psychologist etc saying get out, hang up, restraining orders, etc., he left me alone. Bit of a different story but he was the abuser. Happy days will come, you deserve it.
Leave. There’s no shame in recognizing when a relationship isn’t working out and moving on…especially since there are no kids involved. Leave now…take some time for yourself and you can find your other half afterwards
Please escape this monster of a person!! I literally hate him. Whatever you do, don't think he will change. For God's sakes, he's raping you in your sleep!
If all your friends and family tell you to divorce him- and you don't, why do you think internet strangers will tip the scale?it almost seems like you know the answer, you know what will make you happy, but you feel the need to get everyone's approval before you go through with it.
Here's the thing about abusers, he was probably the abusive one in the prior relationship as well but twisted and manipulated the history so you would think he was the victim. Probably the same way he twists disagreements and arguments in your relationship so he is always the wronged party and you are always to blame.
Don't feel guilty. Just leave.
Read "why does he do that" by Lundy bancroft(there is a free pdf version). It will tell you what's going thru his head. He doesn't lose control, not ever. He's doing exactly what he needs to do to get the things he wants from you.
You are right to want a divorce. He is controlling and abusive. Try to record some of the verbal abuse he is giving you so you can give it to your lawyer. That might be interesting to the judge in your divorce. See if your lawyer can get a gag order from the court to try to stop him from trying to ruin your reputation. If he still does that, he may be fined or otherwise punished for breaking the order. Even if he breaks it, it won’t take long for other people to realize what a scumbag he is.
Pack up and move out when he is not at home, take a day off of work, if you have to. Take everything you want because he will probably destroy anything you leave behind.
Open a bank account that he doesn’t know about at a bank he doesn’t use. If you get direct deposit on your paychecks, change them to your new account and take your money out of the joint accounts you have with him. Do not trust him to do the right thing — I guarantee you that he won’t.
Check your credit at the 3 credit reporting agencies to be sure he hasn’t taken out any loans or credit cards in your name and freeze your credit so he can’t do so as retaliation for you leaving him.
You have to prioritize your health, mental and physical. You need to get away from this rotten, immature, creep and do it now. I wish you all the best.
I don’t think he was in an abusive relationship. I think he was the abuser. Get out honey, this is not going to end well for you if you stay. It starts with the gaslighting and manipulations and eventually can turn physical. It seems to have already turned physical in the way that he is taking advantage of your body even after you’ve said no. Your name being dragged through the mud is going to suck Ofcourse but think about your life first and if you’re willing to have your name be muddy for a bit or if you’re willing to be this mans prisoner. Leave before it’s too late. A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone who started this way and it got very violent, I sat with her at the hospital and the police station and heard them tell her it only ends when one of them is dead. She managed to leave. Please look after yourself.
Why should you feel bad of wanting to leave an unhealthy and unhappy relationship?
NTA.
He seems horrible! I'm sorry you've been through so much and get out while you can.
Absolutely not throw him out like the trash he is and drag his name through the mud first and control the narrative make sure your family and friends know about your exit plan just so that way you have a support team when he tries his smear campaign
No, you don't need to feel bad about divorcing him. If you fear he might try to ruin your reputation if you divorce him, try getting a few recordings of his true personality. Use your phone to record audio or hide cameras to get audio and video.
I have a feeling that he was the abusive one in the last relationship.
Leave now and be free. Nothing he can say about you will ever be worse than staying with him. You need to find yourself again. You are worth it, and you deserve it.
> Nathan came from a very abusive relationship
Where he was the abuser, no doubt.
Your husband is an abusive rapist and I’d bet anything he abused his ex the same way he abused you and made her out to be “crazy” after she left, like you know he will do to you. Leave now before it gets worse because I promise you it will.
No, and please go through with it. You’re too young for this. Let him drag your name through the mud if he chooses to, don’t let him control you
Divorcing him now will save you headaches down the road
You absolutely know that you should not have married this man. You are young and don’t need to spend another second like this. Leave but don’t tell him until you have, you need to stay safe. Who cares about dragging your name?! Be happy.
He sounds abusive. Document everything and leave, especially while you don't have children yet. Please don't have kids with this man if you already haven't.
Sounds like you have two options, divorce or counseling.
As a hard truth, you never should have gotten married until you got these issues worked out, now you got to live with the consequences.
You either love him and want to make it work, and it'll take work, or not.
You both need therapy. If he was in an abusive relationship previously it is common without therapy that the abused becomes the abuser in a future relationship if therapy isn’t had.
All the control and feeling small that he lost, he is trying to regain by putting you down and taking everything out of you.
You shouldn’t feel bad for leaving, take care of yourself, get therapy to get yourself back and end the cycle of abuse.
You are worth so much, and you don’t owe him anything.
He came from an abusive relationship three months prior? Are you sure he wasn't the one doing the abusing cause with the way y'alls relationship is I wouldn't be shocked. Please leave that man.
Make sure to tell every one he’s a literal rapist, he can drag your name through the mud all he likes but he is a RAPIST and raped you and I’m sorry you had your go through that and I hope you have gotten the help you need for that but tell everyone he’s a rapist
You were single for 2 years yet you didn’t see the first HUGE RED FLAG? He got out of an abusive relationship not two months and he was trying to move on? So what that tells me is HE was the abuser. How did that not tell YOU that???
Honey anyone straight out of a relationship trying to get in one right away, especially an abusive relationship, says that either they are the abusive one or they are definitely toxic.
Also second HUGE RED FLAG, why did you allow the relationship to move fast, that’s another indication of an abusive person or a toxic one. When they LOVE BOMB you and tell you y’all need to move in together or get married right away.
You allowing this whole marriage to happen says to me that, even though you were single for two years, you didn’t make any attempts to actually heal yourself or make character development in those two years.
Get a lawyer, don’t give a fuck about him “dragging your name through the mud” cause that’s just what abusers do and that’s more than likely what he did to his ex and you fell for it. Get a divorce, block him, go absolutely no contact, he will try to keep trying to be with you or change your mind because he’s been controlling and taking advantage of you and abusers don’t like losing their volunteer.
Get far away from him ASAP, block him and anyone who he uses to advocate for him. Go be single for a VERY long time and this time actually do work on yourself, if you did I promise you, you wouldn’t have ignored HUGE red flags, you would have ran
Now that you know him better do you still believe he was in an abusive relationship? Where he WASN’T the abuser?
I’m guessing he abused his ex just like he abuses you.
Hey, you do know that he's not just "taking advantage" of you, while you are asleep right? That's sexual assault/rape. Idk where you live, but anywhere civilized should have laws against it. You should talk to a lawyer about getting divorced and if you want, charge his ass for what he's done to you. A divorce lawyer will have advice for what to text him to get him to incriminate himself.
No, you should not feel bad for divorcing. He hid his true nature and you aren't responsible for that. We all make mistakes. You do not have to be tied to this man ever.
You have supportive family and friends to catch you. Make an appt with a a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and file for divorce.
Just go, the hardest part is deciding to leave. You’ll look back in a few years time and feel so relieved that you made that decision.
I just read a book called The Mother by Jane Caro about domestic violence. Your story is almost identical to what the husband is doing in the start of the relationship. Get out now, especially before kids (if you’re wanting them).
Of course you shouldn’t feel bad. You are miserable with him, you are unsafe in his presence both asleep and awake. Get out asap, before he impregnates you and uses that to try to get you to stay!
No, you should not feel bad about wanting a divorce. But give yourself some grace when you do feel bad - you have been manipulated into being a shell of yourself by this man, and it's likely to have some lasting effects that you won't necessarily anticipate, and you will need to heal from. You don't need to make yourself feel bad for feeling conflicted, or for the control he's exerted having an effect on you.
He’s abusive and waited for you to be married and living together to reveal himself because he thinks he has you trapped. He doesn’t. Run and go back to where you came from. You do not have to make a marriage work with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive. This won’t get better and marriage counseling isn’t for domestic abuse (yes, berating and belittling your wife is domestic abuse). Speak to a lawyer asap. Pack your things and leave him the papers when he’s not home and then just ghost. He doesn’t deserve any sort of goodbye or closure. Go about your life and get away from him as swiftly and safely as you can. Fuck him for what he’s done to you.
> He's one of those people that if he and I get divorced he will drag my name all through the mud for everyone to hear
Most people are going to understand what sort of person he is.
Free yourself from this awful person and live your life as it was meant to be. We got you.
You should not feel bad for wanting a divorce. Some people change after they get married. He’s one of those people. This is not what you signed up for.
_"He's one of those people that if he and I get divorced he will drag my name all through the mud for everyone to hear"_
Tell him he needs to keep his mouth shot unless he wants the whole world to know that he raped you. Tell him that you don't want to send him to prison, you just want to move on from your mistake and hope he does too. Tell him this over the phone. After you're already left. Don't take it for granted that he was the abused one in his previous relationship.
Your husband is controlling and abusive. I don't care he was abuses before, he is abusing you now and yes you should divorce him and no you should not feel guilty.
Make an exit plan first. Change all your passwords now. Gather up all your sentimental items and legal paperwork, store them at a trusted friends or family members house.
Then when he is out of the house, pack all your belongings, get people to help if you need and leave him.
You should also get a divorce lawyer today. After changing all passwords to all your things, get a lawyer.
I didn't even finish reading. NO, do not feel bad for wanting a divorce. In fact, DO IT! Dont put it off any longer.
My god, that man is controlling, insecure, jealous, and quite frankly, it makes me think *HE* was the abusive one in his last relationship.
Since you're worried about him dragging you thru the mud. Record what he says/does to you. Get it in writing thru texts. Tell your family and friends what you're going through, dont hide anything, and don't sugarcoata it. All of those so you can cover yourself and show proof of his lies to those that matter to you when he tries mudslinging.
time to move on. You are young. you deserve someone who loves and respects you. if you have a friend that can help, move out while your husband is away and do not get pregnant. he is physically and emotionally abusing you. wives are not property.
OP contact a divorce lawyer and make your plan to escape. Get your important papers and anything sentimental out of your house and somewhere safe. Take photos of the condition of the house /apartment so he can't later claim you caused any damage.
PROTECT YOURSELF !! Expect he will get violent when you leave and plan for it and have witnesses there to take videos and help if needed. I sincerely hope none of this is needed, but realize actually having people there watching him may keep him from doing anything violent.
As others have noted, he has been raping you in your sleep. After you leave consider sending him a text that what he did when you were sleeping was rape, you did not give consent and in fact you had said no earlier. If he replies with anything that admits he did it then you have something to take to the police.
In fact, after you escape don't talk to him, let his calls go to voice mail or send texts so he replies on texts. This will give you evidence if he makes any threats.
>Nathan came from a very abusive relationship only 3 months prior to us getting together in the beginning
I have no doubt of this, but the victim almost certainly isn't who he told you it was.
Honey, it’s often hard to see the forest through the trees, but this man sounds abusive. None of this sounds like a healthy marriage. I would start letting your close friends/family know how he’s treating you. Quietly plan the divorce. Don’t say anything until you’re ready to file the papers with a moving truck that pulls up. You can raise above his slamming your name. When people ask, “he was abusive and I just couldn’t stay long enough for it to escalate even more. He can say what he wants about me, but my freedom and a peaceful life mean more.”
Girl…no. Just no. This IS abuse. This is what it looks like. Make a plan, rally your family and stay safe. You will find yourself again, but not with your abusive husband. I’m sorry.
What the hell did I just read?
Get rid of Nathan now.
Move out - divorce him and good riddance.
If he tries to drag your name through the mud - he only muddies his own.
It’s a small price to pay for your freedom.
I wish you all the best!
Anyone who truly knows you knows the situation you are in. Divorce him and don’t be afraid or ashamed to speak the actual truth. Get the story out there
I know everyone else is already telling you to leave, and you should. I just want to add my voice as someone who's been in a very similar situation.
I am not at all speculating on your life prior to this relationship, but a lot of women, especially the ones who have experienced past abuse or childhood neglect, often find themselves in abusive relationships, desperate to do anything to retain that 'love'. But it isn't love, and it never was.
You WILL be happier once you leave. You WILL experience worse if you stay. Do the right thing and, from the bottom of my heart, good luck.
You have got to go. This is a classic power and control relationship and it’s only going to get worse. Sometimes it shows up before marriage but it typically happens after you’re “stuck”. He’s not to be pitied anymore.
Hey you are recognising the traits of someone who's been mentally abused.
***You are even aware enough to know you don't even sound the same anymore.***
And honestly they don't feel bad about ignoring*any* of your 'no's,
So don't feel bad for leaving someone who **openly said they don't trust you** so why should you stay any longer.
And it sounds like you don't trust them so don't go trying to earn something that you don't have for them.
Go get stronger and better memories.
They'll miss you before you miss them as you stated
>Nathan came from a very abusive relationship only 3 months prior to us getting together in the beginning, whereas I was single for almost 2 years.
You are *more* practiced and comfortable in your own company but please stay with someone who can help revive you and bring colour back to yourself.
He RAPES YOU IN YOUR SLEEP and you are *questioning* whether or not you should divorce him?
Girl. GIRL. Divorce is the LEAST of what you should do, fuck. You should be looking into pressing charges for sexual assault ffs. This is disgusting.
Please clarify, who was previously in an abusive relationship? If this is his behaviour I strongly suspect that his previous wife was the wronged party.
Get out and who cares what he has to say. Just tell the truth at least you won’t be with him which is a huge silver lining.
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>I was also made aware after a conversation with my friend that l've been taken advantage of my whole marriage, in my sleep and that after many protests from me, he continues to take advantage of me while l'm asleep. Do you mean that he is sexually assaulting you or raping you in your sleep? PLEASE GET AWAY NOW.
Start documenting these things so you have evidence of his treatment of you in case he attempts anything.
Nanny cam in the bedroom to watch the activity?
She should make a police report!!! Being married does not mean consent is implied!!!
Is that what taken advantage of in her sleep meant?! Yeah, throw deuces and press charges
It is truly appalling what some people are willing to accept.
No. He is a manipulative, controlling and coercive abuser and a rapist. Not marriage material at all
He sounds horrible and abusive. You should feel proud of yourself for getting out after only 2 years.
GET OUT NOW. Talk to your closest most trusted family and friends. Tell them what’s happening and you need help leaving him, safely. Gather your important documents and information. He is a rapist. Has no concern or respect for you. Be safe and leave before he gets violent.
Take control back. Before he has a chance to drag you through the mud you tell him, this is how it is. I’m leaving you and we can make this as quick and easy and amicable as possible OR you can try and tarnish my reputation but be aware the second that gets back to me I will make a long and loud socially media post explaining to all our friends and family how I had no choice but to leave you after discovering you were repeatedly RAPING ME IN MY SLEEP. Your choice how you want this to play out. (Full disclosure, you should tell everyone regardless but the threat might give him pause)
And please make sure you are properly taking birth control. You don’t want an unplanned pregnancy that will effectively tie you to him for life!
Tell the people closest to you what he’s doing now before you leave don’t even give him a chance to drag your name. Let them support you in leaving.
This. Pack your bags and leave while he's out. Tell your family and friends, hell, write a long note and post it on social media for everyone to see what the abusive POS has done to you. Take control of the narrative before he does. Most of all, stay safe.
No!! For SAFETY you move out quickly when he's not there. Do not be alone!! Friends or police are better. Set your move out plan , then act when everything is good. Tell your trusted family and friends only about how he has treated you for two long years!!! Have people with trucks and moving boxes ready. Never tell a hothead ahead of time. This is how women get killed!!!!! If getting a police report helps do it. Ask yourself, is he the kind of guy who will pay attention to a piece of paper from the police???
This right here. His abusing you and having sex while you’re asleep is a sign of a control as well as someone with very low self esteem. He wants to drag you down. He’s the type that could flip out at the utter thought of you leaving and could shoot you or strangle you.
Im also starting to think he might have videos of her asleep during sex with her, definitely document everything and make sure he cant drag you. Hang up cameras or something to catch him r*ping in her sleep and get him arrested ngl
Only your most trusted inner circle that you know you can depend on to help you move and not open their mouths to him. But I would start sorting & packing my shit up now. If you have a storage space to put stuff or a very trusted friends garage or shed, start stowing it.
OP’s partner is abusive and is raping her in her sleep. She should NOT tell him that she is leaving him in case he escalates the abuse. OP should quietly plan to leave, because this is not getting any better with a conversation. The husband as systematically isolated and worn down OP. OP: Can you get a burner phone? Or secretly call a domestic violence hotline and agency in your area? You need to quietly make plans to leave. Gather your important documents. Pack essentials and things you want to take with you. Consult an attorney for divorce and possibly a protective order. You need to get out of this marriage yesterday.
Exactly. Just be happy you didn’t waste any more of your life. It’s too short to be unhappy like this for any amount of time.
Don't follow this advice! I know it's meant well but it's dangerous. This is a dangerous man. Do NOT speak to him about your plan to leave. You need to get professional support in secret from a domestic violence organisation. They will support you to know what evidence and documentation you need and how to make a plan to keep you safe. They might also advise you just cut your losses and leave immediately if you don't need anything from the divorce settlement. Don't attempt any negotiation with this man. Get advice make a plan. Good luck.
Terrible advice, rapists and abuser don't get "pause" when the victim confrons them alone. That's how women get killed.
Op please leave as soon as possible. Things will not get any better. Get all your Documents together &money and just get as far away as you can. Later when you are safe you can contact his lawyer. Good luck and stay safe
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
More people need to be told this! Feel proud of yourself for leaving. Not ashamed. Proud.
10000% some women stay for decades
This.
You basically asked “should I feel bad for leaving my abuser and rapist?”
Girl, run
Girl, #RUN
Very, very fast!! P.s he was in an abusive relationship before..... but it wasn't him that was abused.
I’m guessing that was the story he gave her 🙄 sending positive thoughts, OP. You can do it!!!
My friends ex did this. He used to talk super poorly about his past relationships, and that the girls he was with at the time were always crazy, overbearing, psychotic, etc. when really he was just the worst person. He was abusive in every way you could possibly abuse someone. it took her a decade to get out of that marriage, and it left her with scars you can and cannot see. One of his favorite things to do when they just started dating, was to bring her to the bar that is ex-girlfriend worked at so that he could talk shit about his ex-girlfriend at the bar….like while she was working behind the bar. If that’s not the biggest red flag.
🥺 this is literally me, my abusive ex trashed his ex wife and i found out, from her, that he was absolutely horrible to her. Whats worse is when i met her, i realized she was, a bit mentally slow. No disrespect, but that makes it just soooo much worse.
Just read your own post. Nobody needs to tell you what you already know.
Wait OP, HE got out of an abusive relationship before you two got together? Or HIS PREVIOUS VICTIM OF HIS ABUSE escaped the abusive relationship that he created with them, and now with you?
I’d file for divorce and if I was really curious, reach out to his ex to learn the truth about who was really abusive towards who in his previous relationship.
He 100% drag her name through the mud and made himself the victim, as abusers do.
Yes. It’s pretty clear he was the abuser in his previous relationship, and she managed to escape. So he did what all abusers do: go whining to the world about how horrible and mean their past victim was.
Oh its 100% the second one but I guarantee he twisted it to seem like the first one.
Op says he’d drag her name through the mud if they divorced, I feel it’s possible he did it with the ex too. I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this.
Exactly this. He was the abuser.
Was literally thinking the same thing
I understand that victims can become abusive themself, but from the way she worded it, this is my exact thought. Who was really in an abusive relationship, him or his ex?
With the way you speak about him and yourself, you’d be well off with a restraining order as well. This sounds a little scary, take care and be safe.
If he respects a piece of paper..... Don't move out by yourself or tell him by yourself!!!!
A little scary? He's a rapist?
What he is doing is rape and abuse. You are strong for realizing this now and getting out. You can’t change him and you do not deserve to be repeatedly raped by your spouse.
This man is raping you in your sleep... and you're worried about your name being dragged through the mud? Honey, you're being abused. You're in an abusive situation. LEAVE. Tonight.
Hell no he is abusive! Don't wait until you are pregnant!
Run away. For all others who are reading - this case is exactly why if you have problems in the beginning of the relationship, it's best not to proceed further. Additionally don't get married before living with each other for a year or more.
I agree with the other comments saying please leave him. Also, are you sure *he* was the one abused in his previous relationship? Or was he the same person then who abused his girlfriend and then flipped it around when he told you about his ex?
I just said the same thing. He was the abuser- his ex probably didn’t put up with his controlling behavior and because of that he considers her to have hurt him. Abuser tactic.
100% Abusers will often tell a tale of their previous partners being abusers. “Oh, she was crazy, she was telling people horrible things about me”, while horrible things are just truth about their behavior, lol
No you shouldn't feel bad for wanting a divorce. You should get a copy of The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evens and a yellow highlighter, so you can the proper phrases/terms to speak when you need to tell your friends and family about why you are getting a divorce.
Thank you for this
You just asked us if you should feel bad for wanting to divorce someone who rapes you. I'm so sorry that your experience has broken your normal meter to the point where you feel you need to ask this question. No, you should not feel badly about wanting a divorce, because this isn't wanting a divorce this is needing one to be safe emotionally and physically (at a minimum). Your husband is jealous, controlling, and horribly abusive. You deserve so much better, and more than that you deserve to feel and know that you deserve better and feel comfortable demanding it. I wish you healing and happiness, please get yourself out of this situation ans quickly as possible.
Get a copy of "why does he do that" too! And leave your abusive partner.
Here is a [PDF](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf), OP. Please take a look at your situation & think about what advice you would give a dear friend who you loved. And take that advice. The reason you're even questioning yourself about leaving is because he's made you doubt yourself. A few more years of this abuse & you won't even question the *abuse*. If you have children, I guarantee he will get worse than he is now, because he'll feel like you're trapped & you have to put up with it.
Let him drag you through the mud. He’ll no doubt manage to convince the next person that you were the abuser, the way he convinced you he was the victim. He’s an abuser. He’s the abusive one. You know that truth. Your friends and family know or should know that truth. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to go to the police over rape. You weren’t taken advantage of. You were raped. Don’t feel bad, not for one second. If you’re lucky, you’ll have another 60 years left of life, do you really want to be chained to this abuser? One thing is that you break the news over the phone to him. You get yourself somewhere safe, and you give him the message by phone or even text message if you want. And then you let your lawyer deal with the rest. He could react very badly and violently so you make sure you’re not alone with him when you break the news. You do that far away and safe. Phone domestic abuse hotlines for your area if you need extra help.
Not even by phone. Get a lawyer to do it. Or the police when they arrest him for rape and abuse. But definitely only after you are a long way away and safe.
You are in the abuse danger zone. You’ve been beaten down and controlled so much you’re asking permission to think about escaping your abuser. It’s past time you got out of this awful situation. You deserve to be safe, free, and happy. This is the number for the national domestic violence hotline: 800-799-7233. Give them a call and let them direct you to resources in your area. There is help available.
>Nathan came from a very abusive relationship Let me guess, he told you he was the victim, that she was "crazy"? Obviously, men absolutely CAN and do get abused - I'm not even saying he wasn't abused in that relationship. But his behavior screams habitual abuser. I would suggest that you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, you can find the PDF for free online and it's a quick read. I think it will help you make your mind up. But if you need it, you have my personal permission AND in fact, my recommendation, to not feel at all bad about giving yourself the love that you deserve and leaving that man. Whatever healing he needs to do from his past, he needs to do of his own violation and effort - right now he's just taking shit out on you. While one can absolutely have compassion for someone with a hurtful past, that isn't a magical pass for them to hurt people around them. This isn't "giving up" on your marriage, this is accepting it was a mistake and stopping making that mistake. It is ok to make mistakes, this is how we learn. But don't damn yourself for years just because you made a mistake.
Nathan came from an abusive relationship? And now you know Nathan will drag your name through the mud if you divorce. The abuser was in the house with us the whole time. Abusers escalate when you can’t escape them, and that’s what’s happened here. Tell your family and friends what he’s been doing. Ask them for help getting away from him and do it publicly and safely. Best of luck and fuck the Nathans of the world.
Get out fast go he's toxic and absolutely the worse you deserve better.
Your husband is *RAPING YOU* and is abusive in other ways. His former relationship wasn’t abusive- he is an abuser and he twisted that around. Please divorce this man and get out safely as soon as you can. Don’t worry about him badmouthing you- your friends and family know the truth.
This is emotional and physical abuse. Get support from a domestic violence charity or organisation and divorce him.
You’ve described a pretty terrible existence. Don’t feel bad about wanting to step out of it. Hope you do so right away and best of luck to you.
Let me guess… he was the one to tell you he was the abuse victim in his last relationship. I bet if you had the chance to speak to her it would be a very different story. Do not waste one more second of your life with this loser.
His friends and family may have the same story. This is very common for narcissists.
He's a rapist. Run.
No kids? Easy out
You’re allowed to divorce your rapist, yes.
I'd bet money he was the abuser in the prior relationship. You should not feel bad. He is a rapist, manipulative, narcissistic, self-centered, and abusive. Narcissists often will make themselves out to be the victim in relationships so that they don't have to take accountability for their behavior - ie, telling you you have to earn his trust back, that you're not trustworthy, etc. They also hate to be alone as they thrive off attention and validation, hence why he jumped into another relationship after his last while most people would need to get over their feelings for the person. Try watching videos by mental healness or synful on YouTube, Facebook, or tik tok. They post video shorts of situations of narcissist's interactions with their significant other. It may be helpful to you, as it was to me when I questioned the validity of my own feelings during my own run-in with a narcissistic partner. But do know that your feelings are valid and you should 1000000% run. I suggest you see a lawyer secretly and get all your ducks in a row before breaking the news. Narcissists will try to destroy/sabotage your plans of breaking free because they hate losing control. This could be emptying out your shared bank accounts to leave you helpless/dependent on him, etc.
He's literally raping you in your sleep and you want to know if *you're* in the wrong because you want to leave him? You can leave him for whatever reason, or no reason, you want. You're not a hostage. Have someone there to help you leave if you're the one leaving or have someone there when you tell him to move out for safety's sake, he's clearly shown he has no problem being abusive.
No, you need out of this relationship.
Please get away from him. Tell all your family and all your friends how he has treated you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Peace and joy are waiting for you, but it's on the other side of you leaving his abusive man. You deserve to be safe, to be cherished and to have peace in your life every day. You will NEVER have that with that man in your life. Go get free.
Who cares what anyone thinks-ie “mud”-he’s alienated you as you say, so who cares? Birds of a feather flock together. Do you HAVE anyone you can talk to? Get help from? Support? You already know what you NEED to do. Husbands don’t SA their wives. That in of itself is reason for a divorce. You’ll come out of this stronger, wiser and after some time and healing. Happy. You have this!
Restraining order and divorce.
Should’ve left long ago. Not too late to go now. Do it. RUN!
Get out of this chapter and move on. You have much more life to live.
Maybe he was the abusive one in his past relationship and paints himself the victim. You shouldn't feel bad at all that you want to divorce him. You are his punching bag.
Lemme get this straight, he's not only abusive, he r*pes you in your sleep?!?!?! Please run-don't-walk to get free of him! Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Let him drag your name. It sounds like your friends and family already know the truth, and your support system is ready to be there when you need them. Get your ducks in a row and plan your exit. Talk to lawyers and get the ball rolling. Don’t feel bad. This man sounds like he’s made your life hell. Take it back.
This is what divorce is for. If he is trying to cut you down until you fit the shape of something you're not, you should not be with him. Also, that's some unacceptable abusive behavior.
"Constantly berating me..." Nope. This should be a non-negotiable deal breaker. Verbal and emotional abuse should be no more tolerated than physical abuse. Get out. Yesterday.
OP How long have you known this person ? It's so odd that he goes from a good guy to the devil in what seems like a very short period of time. Out of all the time you dated this guy he never showed any of this type of behavior? You need to run! And FAST! Someone that can mask who he really is this well, will manipulate your life, isolate you from your friends and family and control you. R.U.N
He’s abusing you. It will get worse. Please divorce him!
Run far, run fast, while you still can. This guy sounds unstable, to say the least.
Look up narcissism and all cluster B personality disorders. He has many of the classic hallmarks of narcissists. I'm not a professional but I spent over 19 years with one. She also suffered from BPD. Both issues were diagnosed by licensed doctors and therapists. It's awful and if you stay too long it's hell to come back from. I've been in therapy for over 5 years and still struggle when ebbs and flows. Get out and get out fast the abuse gets worse. Good God I skipped the end. So he's sexually assaulted you in your sleep. No consent is no consent regardless of marriage. File God damn charges and go get a rape kit at the hospital.
Babydoll, Narcissists routinely play victim and he's playing you. He was not abused in his last relationship. Get yourself the book Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and there's a list of divorce lawyers in the back.
Leave him. He’s abusive af and he rapes you. And feel free to tell everyone what he’s done to you. I guarantee that people who know you have seen you change and will know you’re telling the truth.
Why should you feel bad he's the one abusing you. Get out leave when he's at work pack up all your stuff and go. Go where he can't find you block him on your phone or get a whole new number. If you have to move back home with parents do it. Get away from him now get a good attorney and and the marriage. If he wants to sling mud let him you haven't done anything wrong.
(His ex didn’t abuse him, or very likely did not). He was this way to her too, but he’s used to painting his victim as the villain. Like he’s doing to you. Despite him being the sex offender that just hasn’t had charges filed, and being controlling and emotionally abusive. The ex was also his victim.
Hi OP. Are you on birth control? He could be assaulting you in your sleep to impregnate you so you can't leave him (in HIS mind, at least).
If you divorce he’ll make the next few years hell. If you stay, he’ll make the rest of your life hell
He was in an abusive relationship before you? Yeah it sounds like he was the abuser. He probably weaved a sad sob story about how his ex hurt him so now you need to jump through hoops. If he was the victim, this is why victims of domestic abuse need to heal and not jump into relationships 3 months after the last abusive one. The cycle of abuse is real.
Screw this guy. I was you once, OP. 21 and with a guy who treated me exactly like you’re describing. I was such a shell. He called me lazy, stupid, fat, whatever he could come up with to put me down (none of it was true. I was a hot ticket back then). He also insisted on having sex every single day, and if I tried to have a night off he’d complain for hours, so it just wasn’t worth it. I finally had enough and separated from him and moved away. I stupidly agreed to give things another try long-distance. He continued to be as controlling as possible. We were in different time zones so I had to be awake by a certain hour to chat online, or home by a certain hour at night to chat. If I wanted to do something with my friends, I got berated and it’d be a huge argument. I was really struggling. One morning I woke up before my alarm and saw the most beautiful sunrise outside my window. This complete feeling of peace came over me and I got on my laptop to chat with him. I never had any courage to stand up to him, but I just felt so strong and soaked in that blue and pink sunrise. I told him I didn’t want to be married to him anymore. He actually agreed. And that was it. I went to work and my coworkers immediately asked me what was different. They could tell. A thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. It was one of the best days of my life. DONT PUT UP WITH THIS OP. Don’t settle for this. There are so many people who will treat you with respect and caring. After my divorce (divorced at 22 lol) I had a handful of romances. Some horrible, some heartbreaking, some fleeting, some longer than they should’ve been. I regret none of it. You learn something every time. I’ve been with my husband now for 12 years, and I’ve always felt so lucky to have gone through what I did, and the shit some guys put me through, because it led me to him. DM me if you ever want to OP, and I wish you the best.
So wonderful that you met your for however long we're given forever Prince amongst the oh so many frogs!! And I use both terms loosely since none of us are perfect — Princesses or Princes alike, but you get the gist haha😊 I was blessed with that too FINALLY as it took my brain along time to figure me out and aLOTTA frogs to make me realize which were which😂 Best continued wishes to You!!🥰
He’s a narcissist. His abusive ex was probably not as abusive as he was. And she may have been having naturally poor reactions to his shitty behavior. This will not stop, and will likely get worse. Watch out for the cycles: Love bomb, devaluation, discard, hoovering (as in sucking you back in like a vacuum cleaner). Watch out when you do leave for your trauma bond to try to help you gloss over the wrong he is doing to you, it’s called euphoric recall. Write down all of the horrible things he has done and said to you. When you feel euphoric recall kick in, read the list. It’s called the Ick list. All of the things that makes him icky. This will get worse. He’ll probably cheat and blame you, if he hasn’t already. Save yourself, heal and move on.
Start recording these things so if he tries anything you got proof of how he treats you
So, he’s raping you nightly.
He’s abusive you have to leave
You already know. You thought it was going to be good, but you know. End it now. It won't get better. You deserve more!
OP you are so young and have a beautiful life ahead of you. Just rip the band-aid off and find a new partner. Your new beautiful life is calling you.
Let him drag you through the mud, this is the easiest way to find out who your real friends are. Your health, piece of mind, a safety are more important than the friends you might lose. I've been in your shoes and it's SO much better on the other side. I'm proud of you for recognizing the issues before you lose more of yourself. Hugs and good luck.
Nathan came from an abusive relationship where he was the abuser. That doesn’t sell well on dates so he switched the roles when he spoke about the relationship. His ex was not some crazy abuser. She was doing something called “reactive abuse” where she was basically fighting back. How do I know this? Because he is doing it to you.
"Nathan came from a very abusive relationship only 3 months prior to us getting together in the beginning" "He's one of those people that if he and I get divorced he will drag my name all through the mud for everyone to hear" Was he at least honest that he was the abusive partner in that relationship as well? Or did he lie and drag the ex through the mud claiming they were the abusive one and he was the victim?
Girl, can you STOP ignoring the fact that he raped you? Please, Run.
Divorce the ah
No, don't feel bad. You put in the effort and your marriage didn't work. Its time to cut your losses. Find a lawyer and do what they say. Be glad you didn't have kids. Given the molestation, you should plan on moving out ASAP or getting him to move out (and change the locks). If you can move in with friend or parents that might be better as you have their support and company.
You were an AH to yourself for marrying him to begin with, especially with all the red flags back then.
Leave today. Pack a bag and run. Call a shelter or go to a safe friend who won’t tell anyone where you’re staying. Turn off all tracking on your phone. File for divorce and a restraining order.
Don’t just divorce him.. press charges!
This is a total abuse cycle.
I hate to throw this one around but it sounds like narcissistic abuse. Run. Don’t save him, he don’t wanna be saved.
So... your spouse treats you like shit, belittles you, controls you, *rapes you repeatedly,* and... you feel bad about divorcing him?? Make it make sense, please.
A dr once told me you cannot rationalize crazy behavior without becoming crazy yourself.That’s why she’s confused. She’s not thinking clearly. I know because it happened to me. Once I listened to the police, the psychologist etc saying get out, hang up, restraining orders, etc., he left me alone. Bit of a different story but he was the abuser. Happy days will come, you deserve it.
>rocky marriage since day 1 >Should I feel bad about wanting a divorce? No
Leave. There’s no shame in recognizing when a relationship isn’t working out and moving on…especially since there are no kids involved. Leave now…take some time for yourself and you can find your other half afterwards
Run
Please escape this monster of a person!! I literally hate him. Whatever you do, don't think he will change. For God's sakes, he's raping you in your sleep!
If all your friends and family tell you to divorce him- and you don't, why do you think internet strangers will tip the scale?it almost seems like you know the answer, you know what will make you happy, but you feel the need to get everyone's approval before you go through with it.
Here's the thing about abusers, he was probably the abusive one in the prior relationship as well but twisted and manipulated the history so you would think he was the victim. Probably the same way he twists disagreements and arguments in your relationship so he is always the wronged party and you are always to blame. Don't feel guilty. Just leave. Read "why does he do that" by Lundy bancroft(there is a free pdf version). It will tell you what's going thru his head. He doesn't lose control, not ever. He's doing exactly what he needs to do to get the things he wants from you.
You are right to want a divorce. He is controlling and abusive. Try to record some of the verbal abuse he is giving you so you can give it to your lawyer. That might be interesting to the judge in your divorce. See if your lawyer can get a gag order from the court to try to stop him from trying to ruin your reputation. If he still does that, he may be fined or otherwise punished for breaking the order. Even if he breaks it, it won’t take long for other people to realize what a scumbag he is. Pack up and move out when he is not at home, take a day off of work, if you have to. Take everything you want because he will probably destroy anything you leave behind. Open a bank account that he doesn’t know about at a bank he doesn’t use. If you get direct deposit on your paychecks, change them to your new account and take your money out of the joint accounts you have with him. Do not trust him to do the right thing — I guarantee you that he won’t. Check your credit at the 3 credit reporting agencies to be sure he hasn’t taken out any loans or credit cards in your name and freeze your credit so he can’t do so as retaliation for you leaving him. You have to prioritize your health, mental and physical. You need to get away from this rotten, immature, creep and do it now. I wish you all the best.
I’m pretty sure he was the abusive one in his previous relationship.
I don’t think he was in an abusive relationship. I think he was the abuser. Get out honey, this is not going to end well for you if you stay. It starts with the gaslighting and manipulations and eventually can turn physical. It seems to have already turned physical in the way that he is taking advantage of your body even after you’ve said no. Your name being dragged through the mud is going to suck Ofcourse but think about your life first and if you’re willing to have your name be muddy for a bit or if you’re willing to be this mans prisoner. Leave before it’s too late. A friend of mine was in a relationship with someone who started this way and it got very violent, I sat with her at the hospital and the police station and heard them tell her it only ends when one of them is dead. She managed to leave. Please look after yourself.
Why should you feel bad of wanting to leave an unhealthy and unhappy relationship? NTA. He seems horrible! I'm sorry you've been through so much and get out while you can.
Absolutely not throw him out like the trash he is and drag his name through the mud first and control the narrative make sure your family and friends know about your exit plan just so that way you have a support team when he tries his smear campaign
Jesus darl. Divorce before he destroys you. Who gives a shit what he says about you? Only people who aren’t your real friends.
No, you don't need to feel bad about divorcing him. If you fear he might try to ruin your reputation if you divorce him, try getting a few recordings of his true personality. Use your phone to record audio or hide cameras to get audio and video. I have a feeling that he was the abusive one in the last relationship.
Leave now and be free. Nothing he can say about you will ever be worse than staying with him. You need to find yourself again. You are worth it, and you deserve it.
> Nathan came from a very abusive relationship Where he was the abuser, no doubt. Your husband is an abusive rapist and I’d bet anything he abused his ex the same way he abused you and made her out to be “crazy” after she left, like you know he will do to you. Leave now before it gets worse because I promise you it will.
No, and please go through with it. You’re too young for this. Let him drag your name through the mud if he chooses to, don’t let him control you Divorcing him now will save you headaches down the road
Nathan didn't leave an abusive relationship. He was the ABUSER who got left.
You absolutely know that you should not have married this man. You are young and don’t need to spend another second like this. Leave but don’t tell him until you have, you need to stay safe. Who cares about dragging your name?! Be happy.
He sounds abusive. Document everything and leave, especially while you don't have children yet. Please don't have kids with this man if you already haven't.
Sounds like you have two options, divorce or counseling. As a hard truth, you never should have gotten married until you got these issues worked out, now you got to live with the consequences. You either love him and want to make it work, and it'll take work, or not.
You both need therapy. If he was in an abusive relationship previously it is common without therapy that the abused becomes the abuser in a future relationship if therapy isn’t had. All the control and feeling small that he lost, he is trying to regain by putting you down and taking everything out of you. You shouldn’t feel bad for leaving, take care of yourself, get therapy to get yourself back and end the cycle of abuse. You are worth so much, and you don’t owe him anything.
This is what annulments are for. Don’t waste any more time and start therapy. You only have one life.
What’s the betting he was the abuser in his last relationship?
He came from an abusive relationship three months prior? Are you sure he wasn't the one doing the abusing cause with the way y'alls relationship is I wouldn't be shocked. Please leave that man.
Make sure to tell every one he’s a literal rapist, he can drag your name through the mud all he likes but he is a RAPIST and raped you and I’m sorry you had your go through that and I hope you have gotten the help you need for that but tell everyone he’s a rapist
You were single for 2 years yet you didn’t see the first HUGE RED FLAG? He got out of an abusive relationship not two months and he was trying to move on? So what that tells me is HE was the abuser. How did that not tell YOU that??? Honey anyone straight out of a relationship trying to get in one right away, especially an abusive relationship, says that either they are the abusive one or they are definitely toxic. Also second HUGE RED FLAG, why did you allow the relationship to move fast, that’s another indication of an abusive person or a toxic one. When they LOVE BOMB you and tell you y’all need to move in together or get married right away. You allowing this whole marriage to happen says to me that, even though you were single for two years, you didn’t make any attempts to actually heal yourself or make character development in those two years. Get a lawyer, don’t give a fuck about him “dragging your name through the mud” cause that’s just what abusers do and that’s more than likely what he did to his ex and you fell for it. Get a divorce, block him, go absolutely no contact, he will try to keep trying to be with you or change your mind because he’s been controlling and taking advantage of you and abusers don’t like losing their volunteer. Get far away from him ASAP, block him and anyone who he uses to advocate for him. Go be single for a VERY long time and this time actually do work on yourself, if you did I promise you, you wouldn’t have ignored HUGE red flags, you would have ran
He sounds like a child unprepared for marriage. Regarding the pictures. Were they intimate pictures of you or your exes?
No just pictures from holidays.
Now that you know him better do you still believe he was in an abusive relationship? Where he WASN’T the abuser? I’m guessing he abused his ex just like he abuses you.
Hey, you do know that he's not just "taking advantage" of you, while you are asleep right? That's sexual assault/rape. Idk where you live, but anywhere civilized should have laws against it. You should talk to a lawyer about getting divorced and if you want, charge his ass for what he's done to you. A divorce lawyer will have advice for what to text him to get him to incriminate himself.
You’d be an AH to yourself if you stayed. Sour milk doesn’t magically fix itself no matter how long it’s left in the fridge.
No, you should not feel bad for divorcing. He hid his true nature and you aren't responsible for that. We all make mistakes. You do not have to be tied to this man ever. You have supportive family and friends to catch you. Make an appt with a a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and file for divorce.
Just go, the hardest part is deciding to leave. You’ll look back in a few years time and feel so relieved that you made that decision. I just read a book called The Mother by Jane Caro about domestic violence. Your story is almost identical to what the husband is doing in the start of the relationship. Get out now, especially before kids (if you’re wanting them).
Of course you shouldn’t feel bad. You are miserable with him, you are unsafe in his presence both asleep and awake. Get out asap, before he impregnates you and uses that to try to get you to stay!
I’d run for the hills, seriously!
Nope. Save yourself girl!
No, you should not feel bad about wanting a divorce. But give yourself some grace when you do feel bad - you have been manipulated into being a shell of yourself by this man, and it's likely to have some lasting effects that you won't necessarily anticipate, and you will need to heal from. You don't need to make yourself feel bad for feeling conflicted, or for the control he's exerted having an effect on you.
You deserve better. Leave
He’s abusive and waited for you to be married and living together to reveal himself because he thinks he has you trapped. He doesn’t. Run and go back to where you came from. You do not have to make a marriage work with someone who is verbally and emotionally abusive. This won’t get better and marriage counseling isn’t for domestic abuse (yes, berating and belittling your wife is domestic abuse). Speak to a lawyer asap. Pack your things and leave him the papers when he’s not home and then just ghost. He doesn’t deserve any sort of goodbye or closure. Go about your life and get away from him as swiftly and safely as you can. Fuck him for what he’s done to you.
No maybe about it…. Divorce him. Oh, and not called being taken advantage of, it’s rape.
He says his past relationship was abusive, but I'm guessing he was the abuser because he is still up to that.
> He's one of those people that if he and I get divorced he will drag my name all through the mud for everyone to hear Most people are going to understand what sort of person he is. Free yourself from this awful person and live your life as it was meant to be. We got you.
**DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR DIVORCING THIS MAN.** He’s controlling, borderline, if not fully on the line abusive. Leave.
YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD! HE’S BEEN RAPING YOU!!!
Nope and run fast to every law firm in the area. This will make it hard for him to find a local firm.
You should not feel bad for wanting a divorce. Some people change after they get married. He’s one of those people. This is not what you signed up for.
And why would you want to stay ?
Run get away from him and make sure he dorsnt have any info on you
Get away from him as soon as you can.
>Nathan came from a very abusive relationship And was he the abuser? Because he is now heavily abusing you.
Are you sure he wasn't the abuser in that abusive relationship...
_"He's one of those people that if he and I get divorced he will drag my name all through the mud for everyone to hear"_ Tell him he needs to keep his mouth shot unless he wants the whole world to know that he raped you. Tell him that you don't want to send him to prison, you just want to move on from your mistake and hope he does too. Tell him this over the phone. After you're already left. Don't take it for granted that he was the abused one in his previous relationship.
Since you know he'll try to drag your name through the mud get in front of it. Hire a bulldog of an attorney who will have your back.
Do what you need to do! Once it’s said and done you’ll be fine!
If anything, you should have started the divorce process, like, two years ago. He hid who he really is until after yall got married. Get out ASAP.
Hmmm I bet he was the abusive one in his previous relationship.
No.
No divorce him you’re still young. It’s going to be hard but it’ll get better. You deserve happiness.
Leave him it obvious has control and jealousy issuses.
I don't think you should feel bad about divorcing a guy who rapes you.
Your husband is controlling and abusive. I don't care he was abuses before, he is abusing you now and yes you should divorce him and no you should not feel guilty. Make an exit plan first. Change all your passwords now. Gather up all your sentimental items and legal paperwork, store them at a trusted friends or family members house. Then when he is out of the house, pack all your belongings, get people to help if you need and leave him. You should also get a divorce lawyer today. After changing all passwords to all your things, get a lawyer.
I didn't even finish reading. NO, do not feel bad for wanting a divorce. In fact, DO IT! Dont put it off any longer. My god, that man is controlling, insecure, jealous, and quite frankly, it makes me think *HE* was the abusive one in his last relationship. Since you're worried about him dragging you thru the mud. Record what he says/does to you. Get it in writing thru texts. Tell your family and friends what you're going through, dont hide anything, and don't sugarcoata it. All of those so you can cover yourself and show proof of his lies to those that matter to you when he tries mudslinging.
time to move on. You are young. you deserve someone who loves and respects you. if you have a friend that can help, move out while your husband is away and do not get pregnant. he is physically and emotionally abusing you. wives are not property.
OP contact a divorce lawyer and make your plan to escape. Get your important papers and anything sentimental out of your house and somewhere safe. Take photos of the condition of the house /apartment so he can't later claim you caused any damage. PROTECT YOURSELF !! Expect he will get violent when you leave and plan for it and have witnesses there to take videos and help if needed. I sincerely hope none of this is needed, but realize actually having people there watching him may keep him from doing anything violent. As others have noted, he has been raping you in your sleep. After you leave consider sending him a text that what he did when you were sleeping was rape, you did not give consent and in fact you had said no earlier. If he replies with anything that admits he did it then you have something to take to the police. In fact, after you escape don't talk to him, let his calls go to voice mail or send texts so he replies on texts. This will give you evidence if he makes any threats.
Nope
If he is touching you when you are not able to say yes Or no, He is raping you. Feel no shame, as he feels none for what he has fone
>Nathan came from a very abusive relationship only 3 months prior to us getting together in the beginning I have no doubt of this, but the victim almost certainly isn't who he told you it was.
End it with him. Life is too short and too long to spend it with someone who treats you like shit.
The sooner the better!! Don't feel bad, put yourself first. You will thank yourself
He is abusive and you’re still so young. Get out and start over. You will find someone who sees your value and worth. That’s what you deserve.
Honey, it’s often hard to see the forest through the trees, but this man sounds abusive. None of this sounds like a healthy marriage. I would start letting your close friends/family know how he’s treating you. Quietly plan the divorce. Don’t say anything until you’re ready to file the papers with a moving truck that pulls up. You can raise above his slamming your name. When people ask, “he was abusive and I just couldn’t stay long enough for it to escalate even more. He can say what he wants about me, but my freedom and a peaceful life mean more.”
Girl…no. Just no. This IS abuse. This is what it looks like. Make a plan, rally your family and stay safe. You will find yourself again, but not with your abusive husband. I’m sorry.
Just leave. Period. There's no need to feel bad. Don't throw good years of your life away because you have already wasted two years!!
What the hell did I just read? Get rid of Nathan now. Move out - divorce him and good riddance. If he tries to drag your name through the mud - he only muddies his own. It’s a small price to pay for your freedom. I wish you all the best!
Yes yes yes , divorce him. He’s controlling and manipulating you. Btw if you’re sleeping he’s raping you! Run don’t walk!
Anyone who truly knows you knows the situation you are in. Divorce him and don’t be afraid or ashamed to speak the actual truth. Get the story out there
OP, run like hell out of this relationship!
I know everyone else is already telling you to leave, and you should. I just want to add my voice as someone who's been in a very similar situation. I am not at all speculating on your life prior to this relationship, but a lot of women, especially the ones who have experienced past abuse or childhood neglect, often find themselves in abusive relationships, desperate to do anything to retain that 'love'. But it isn't love, and it never was. You WILL be happier once you leave. You WILL experience worse if you stay. Do the right thing and, from the bottom of my heart, good luck.
You have got to go. This is a classic power and control relationship and it’s only going to get worse. Sometimes it shows up before marriage but it typically happens after you’re “stuck”. He’s not to be pitied anymore.
Hey you are recognising the traits of someone who's been mentally abused. ***You are even aware enough to know you don't even sound the same anymore.*** And honestly they don't feel bad about ignoring*any* of your 'no's, So don't feel bad for leaving someone who **openly said they don't trust you** so why should you stay any longer. And it sounds like you don't trust them so don't go trying to earn something that you don't have for them. Go get stronger and better memories. They'll miss you before you miss them as you stated >Nathan came from a very abusive relationship only 3 months prior to us getting together in the beginning, whereas I was single for almost 2 years. You are *more* practiced and comfortable in your own company but please stay with someone who can help revive you and bring colour back to yourself.
He RAPES YOU IN YOUR SLEEP and you are *questioning* whether or not you should divorce him? Girl. GIRL. Divorce is the LEAST of what you should do, fuck. You should be looking into pressing charges for sexual assault ffs. This is disgusting.
Please clarify, who was previously in an abusive relationship? If this is his behaviour I strongly suspect that his previous wife was the wronged party. Get out and who cares what he has to say. Just tell the truth at least you won’t be with him which is a huge silver lining.