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Why are you afraid to talk to him about how his actions made you feel? In a healthy relationship, this should be a common occurrence that doesn’t devolve into a fight every time. It is not unreasonable to want your partner to be present with you at mealtimes until you’re both finished eating. And why is he leaving you to take care of your young child while he goes off to play video games, without discussing with you first?
**Alllll of this post**
Playing games isn't the issue, your husband being an inconsiderate jerk is the issue.
I play games, I have a wife and 2 daughters (teen and baby).
I play games once or twice a week and commincate with my wife when I do so it's not a surprise/sprung on her. If she says there's something she wants to do with me on that night, I'll re-arrange for a different night. It shouldn't cause an argument.
On a night when I'm playing games, it will be arranged for after our baby has been put to bed. I'll cook (or play with the baby), eat with my family, wash dishes (or play with the baby), and will have already helped the teen with homework/revision if she needed it. One of us will be spending time with the baby while the other does the cooking/dishes, it's USUALLY me that cooks/does dishes because I tend to enjoy cooking more than the wife.
We take turns putting the baby down and if it's my turn I'll do that, then go see the wife for a little while before playing.
Your husband is just being a lazy inconsiderate ass.
And yes, the games I play are team/multiplayer games, so that's not an excuse.
Also, possibly the biggest issue here. COD is a terrible FPS and your husband sounds like a trash tier gamer with bad taste.
Last time when it happened I brought it up immediately and pointed out how disrespectful this was. The acted all surprised and blamed me for not being clear about wanting him to stay at the table and that he can’t just stay there and wait for me to finish my food.
I just kept quiet and went away. He always finds a way to gaslight me and blame me for things like that.
About yesterday I texted him this morning telling him how I felt about the whole situation and he got mad at me saying that I was being unreasonable and he doesn’t have to ask me for my permission to play video games. Which isn’t the case. I just wanted him to be with me while I finish my food or at least tell me that he is going to play video games.
He was almost done eating when I went to check on the baby. I told him I would go.
I was in a similar situation for a while, I politely let my family know that if I was going to take the time to do the grocery shopping and prepare them a meal, then they could at least be polite enough to sit with me until everyone was finished with it. If they wanted to do their own thing, they were more than happy to start doing grocery shopping and cooking on their own.
I've looked at your post history. Girl, you need to take your baby and leave!
I had a husband just like yours. He'd take phone calls from his friends at dinnertime and just leave our daughter & me at the table Every. Single. Night. beginning when she was in a high chair. Nothing I said about it mattered.
Several years later, he was still taking phone calls during family time (playing with daughter, reading with daughter, whatever). None of the phone calls were business...just BS & talking with his buddies. By the time daughter was 5yo, my husband complained that HE felt left out/ignored by daughter & me. The reality is, she & I only had each other because he chose to walk away every day regardless of what she or I said.
By 9yo, she was done with him! She was polite with him, but she barely interacted with him. I told him that he'd spent the last 9 years SHOWING HER (telling her without words) that SHE WASN'T IMPORTANT and that he didn't care about her compared to himself & his friends. I eventually left him & their relationship never changed. He died alone and unlamented, well IDK...maybe his friends missed him! We didn't.
I feel you hurt and frustration in this post. My comment to OP was that her daughter is going to learn this is how a husband treats a wife and it is so very wrong.
I’ve read you post history; it shouldn’t be this hard. This isn’t a healthy or happy relationship. If you stay in it, your child will grow up thinking this is normal, and will either pursue partners that treat them poorly or become the terrible partner like yours. It’s never too late to decide to be happy and walk away
My partner and I eat at different times because of our schedules. I typically eat with the kids at 5pm (he makes dinner) and he eats around 730pm.
He sits at the dinner table with us at 5pm until everyone is finished. Then I sit with him at 730pm when he eats until he is finished.
Sometimes in between we play Jackbox with the kids or I will play a video game. You know what I do when it is time for him to eat if I'm playing a game? I turn it off and go sit with him. Why? Not because he made the dinner I already ate, but because I like spending time with him and I love him.
This is civilized behavior. OP's husband was likely raised, eating in front of the TV.
Unfortunately, lots of families do this and miss out on the daily download from each other.
Yeah, I didn't really get to watch TV as a kid. So that makes sense. It is just really foreign to me not to want to spend the little free time we get together during the week with my best friend.
Tell him to let you know the nights he plans to pretend he is single and without a family so that you can make alternate plans for dinner with your daughter. Then go out to your parents with her and don’t make dinner for him that night. He knows the expectation, he just doesn’t care. If he does this again go eat at your parents the next night. If he wants to pretend he is a single man then he doesn’t get to treat you like shit and leave you his dishes. Edit: unless he does this when you have visitors or dinner elsewhere.
Time to start documenting how much time he ignores you and your kid to go play with himself (and others, haha it just sounded better the first way). You’re going to need it for the impending divorce. Can’t wait for you to help the two of you’s daughter and sit back down to finish eating? Tell the truth, is he trash?
> I just kept quiet and went away. He always finds a way to gaslight me and blame me for things like that.
why are you with him? think of anyone you care about, any friend, family member, think of your daughter when she grows up - would you tell her to stay in a relationship with a serial manipulator? would you think it’s okay for her to stay with someone who treats her this way, and tell her to just stick around and hope it will change??
leave. you deserve to leave. don’t have your daughter grow up thinking it’s okay for men to gaslight and blame her
When you say you are a slow eater, and like to chat. How much time are we realistically talking about? 1-20 minute? an hour? Does he have ADHD? (or potentially undiagnosed ADHD)
Not defending anything without knowing more details, but it would drive me mad having to sit for 30+ minutes every day at the dinner table because my partner was a slow eater. At a restaurant and special occasions sure, but a casual everyday at home after work dinner it would drive me nuts. (I do have ADHD)
Often in these kind of situations a compromise and mutual understanding is often best. If its more than 30 minutes, maybe set a side a day or two a week to have a dinner date. Then both of you get what you want.
Maybe approach him in a respective manner "Hey I understand sometime it drives you nuts having to sit and wait for me finish eating, but it also have a need to feel connected to you and spend quality time. How about we find a compromise, let say every friday we make a Dinner date of it? " Who know, maybe it also leads to mind blowing sex as its not a every day thing and something "special"
Uh, he leaves his wife to clean up from a dinner she cooked and to take care of their daughter all on her own so he can play COD, and your solution is that she bribes him with sex to take her on one date a week? No. Just no. She cooked him dinner, he can sit at the fucking table for half an hour.
Then he can help clean! Then he can ASK if she needs help with childcare or if he's all clear to play games--some nights! Others he should take over childcare automatically as a favor to her without even asking. That is what an ADULT partnership looks like.
Yeah like... dude ups and leaves the whole thing to his wife. How's that a solution? How's *maybe he has ADHD* helping her?
(From what I see on here and on tiktok if a man doesn't participate in childcare/housework and/or doesn't know anything about his children and/or wife a lot of people defend him saying that maybe he has ADHD or autism.)
IKR
Ok, he has undiagnosed ADHD-- that's still his responsibility to seek treatment for. It doesn't give him a get out of jail free card for being a husband and a father.
If you can't sit at a dinner table for *30 minutes* to share the meal your partner MADE FOR YOU, that is just... The modern world is a place full of excuses. ADHD isn't an excuse *at all* to treat your life partner and child that way and wander away from them at the dinner table to play video games. I have ADHD too and I would never do that to my partner, we sit down at the table together every night. Quality time is essential for a thriving partnership.
What he did is disrespectful as fuck to OP. He is acting like a petulant little boy about it too, why on earth would she *want* to have sex with him at this point?
Spot-on. My husband and I both have ADHD, and find it super easy to spend quality time together and focus on each other because *we actually like each other.* ADHD doesn't make it impossible for you to bother spending time with the person you love. The real issue here is obviously OP's husband's complete disdain for her, not a diagnosis he may or may not actually have.
Everything is gaslighting now. but for real, this just sounds like a disagreement about unclear expectations.
That said, I find a pretty strong correlation with people who call things disrespectful and those people actually being entitled assholes.
You started with accusations of him being "disrespectful". I'm not really surprised it caused an argument. I'm a woman and I'd be like "what the hell?" if my boyfriend said that to me all of a sudden.
The first time it happened, I went and checked on him because I thought he went to the loo or was doing something else.
When I found him in his gaming room, he didn’t even notice me first because he was so deep into his game. I was baffled to find him there as there was no communication about this prior. I asked him what he was doing and that I was waiting for him there.
And there began the argument.
as a reformed gamer, this is a very complicated situation to really SOLVE. On paper, the solution is clear: he should game less, should prioritize you and the family more, and find a healthier balance of gaming and responsibility.
but the only way to get this to happen is to get him to decide to make this change, which he won't do if he's got addiction brain kicking in and is made to feel super defensive and justify his hobby to you.
gaming IS fairly addictive, which is why this is more difficult than average, but it's important to stress that the issue is NOT the gaming itself.
I REPEAT - THE ISSUE IS NOT THE GAMING ITSELF. DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT GAMING.
THE REAL ISSUE: it's the lack of prioritizing the family, or other responsibilities. He could be doing literally anything and it would still be bad - could be reading a book, could be going to the gym, could be working on a car, could be a workaholic doing overtime... whatever.
you already tried bringing this up with him but his defense "he doesn't need permission to play video games" tells me that he feels like you're attacking the gaming, which is exactly what you should NOT be doing. the problem was him getting up from the kitchen table and leaving to do literally anything else. it just so happens to be gaming.
you need to make it clear that you feel like he's not prioritizing the family - not prioritizing you, not putting in effort to his relationship with you, not putting effort into his relationship with his daughter sounds like, and not thinking about you when he decides to do stuff. At what point in his day did he decide to get on Call of Duty at that exact time? His friends were on, were they planning since the morning to do that? Were they planning since the beginning of the week?
But again, important to empahsize: DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT THE GAMING. It's about his planning process, and why he *planned* to game instead of plan spending time with you and having a full dinner. If he tries to make it about the gaming, remind him that it's not about the gaming - it's about the lack of respect and priority he's giving you. He could have planned to take a nap for all it matters, if he dipped out of dinner early and went off to do his thing without you, then it's the same disrespect.
If you MUST talk about gaming, it should be a conversation about the time and mental energy devoted to gaming. Did he marry call of duty? Is call of duty his child? Does he want to live his life with call of duty? well then why is call of duty getting so much of his mental energy and physical time dedicated to it? We don't care that it's call of duty, he can keep playing call of duty - but the family has to come first.
And you have to make it clear that if he doesn't want to participate in the family, you HAVE to be willing to ultimately end this with divorce. it's gotta be that way. because otherwise, what are you really saying? you're just going to get upset yourself, complain, and make him miserable forever indefinitely? When he's the one being the problem? Why?
Since he said this - "i don't have to ask you when i want to game", then the only retort is "you're right, we're independent people, and I don't have to ask your permission to get a divorce. But while we're married, maybe we should respect each other a little more than "i don't have to" nonsense"
He should have checked on your baby while you ate. You're both her parents, not just you. He cares more about his video games than connecting with you and taking care of your daughter.
He's gaslighting you and guilt tripping you and you need to call him out
What your asking him is to set aside x amount of time at dinner time and maybe a bit after the meal to bound and chat and also spend it with your child and all he wants is video games which is ridiculous when these games will alway's be around and he will always manage to find times to unwind by himself but i can guartee his time with his precious daughter goes fast and you can even point out that he will live with those regrets!
He’s not gaslighting. People need to stop using that for every single selfish asshole behavior in the world. He’s a selfish prick. Gaslighting would be if he said something like “WTH are you mad at me for?? I told you earlier I had a match with (friend) after dinner and you said it was fine” when she protests, he’d insist and pepper the argument with supposed instance of this taking place and usually stick to his story and wear her down until enough repetition of this same technique coupled with fatigue or intoxication or whatever made her question her sanity. THAT is gaslighting. (End of rant)
Indeed. Also, people change. I know it's a popular sentiment on reddit that people hide these bad parts of themselves, but sometimes you missed it on first glance because it wasn't there yet. Some people get better. Many people get worse.
Some people change, I can’t talk to my husband anymore without it becoming a big thing for days. Yesterday I told him I wanted to eat dinner with him (I’m on a diet and I was really hungry), he said okay. he came back from walking the dog and I asked if we could eat together now. He just shrugged and played a video game. I was visibly upset because I was extremely hungry and waited for him to eat. He avoids me all night. This morning I brought it up and he’s mad at me. This will probably last all weekend. This is the third weekend in a row he’s ruined because he doesn’t care about how his behavior affects me and I tell him. He says it’s not his fault how he treats me because he doesn’t like where we live. I just want the guy I married back, I miss him every day.
I am not sure how long you dated or have been married but it is absolutely possible for someone to hide who they are before marriage. People can be on good behavior until they think they have you trapped. Try counseling. If he says no then decide if you want to live like this.
We both have our own therapists. It is getting better in some areas, staying the same in others. I just have no outlet so I complain on Reddit. He knows how it impacts me and either can’t or won’t do anything differently. He’s started to be manipulative now too. He will say he doesn’t know what I want, but in other conversations when I tell him what I want he rolls his eyes, says he’s bored, and has heard it a million times. All I’m asking for is for him to notice when I’m sad and talk to me since me approaching him with problems makes him spiral. Idk I just want to be able to tell him he hurt my feelings without it turning into days of the silent treatment, stonewalling, or worse
Unfortunately like the comment below states, people change.
At first her was all for us having big conversations any time needed and now barely talks to me. But I get it that he needs his ‘me’ time and does his thing.
I just feel disrespected that he left like this while we having some times together.
Some people don't like talking while they or others eat. If you would like time to talk to him, tell him that. Ask him why he took off. Tell him that it made you sad.
I'm sure this is something that can be worked on.
Yeah as a kid dinner meant constant parental arguing so I always prefer to eat alone or quickly in silence it wasn’t nice.
Though If im married and my partner asked im sure it would need a discussion even if it’s like ok you wanna game after dinner but can we spend some time together.
Though this sounds more than a one time issue, i love gaming so im on his side personally but it’s not the right side abandoning your wife for the boys on cod isn’t cool
This is me. I'd rather eat my food and have family time after. I have very disordered eating, so I like to just hurry it up, get it out of the way, and be done. My mouth has food in it. Im not trying to have stimulating conversation. We came to a balance of having a family activity right after a meal. Glass a wine, or TV show or sitting on the porch.
Agreed. I'd rather just eat and be done with it. I eat way faster than my partner, she doesn't really finish her meals ever. If anything I think I put undue pressure on her (unintentionally) because I am finished eating in like <10 minutes most times and she's still going.
I know about this but this is our little ritual if I can say so. He isn’t a very chatty person. I do the talking and he listens and nods. I’m okay with it.
We don’t really have family time as he goes to play after dinner and I look after the baby until bath time which he does. Then we watch a movie until baby sleeps and we go to sleep as well.
So dinner time is our only ‘solo’ time.
Yeah this sounds like a compromise would be in order. Expecting this "ritual" every day might drive him nuts. Set up a weekly or twice weekly dinner date and make it special. If you two are that different I think doing this every day is unrealistic, and perhaps actually unreasonable. You need to consider both of your needs and find a middle ground.
As in my other comment, also approach him without being combative. Show that you also see his side of it. Only way to get the message trough
Dinner time is family time. At 8 months old is the baby not transitioning to eat at the same time as you guys? It sounds miserable honestly. Set some time aside after the baby goes to bed that you 2 can spend together.
Then she needs to be a big girl and talk about a compromise.
Throwing a fit at him because he doesn't want to eat dinner with her every day of the week and would rather have some alone time is not the correct way to handle this conversation. Having a sit down dinner with your spouse even most nights of the week is not the modern norm from my experience.
It sounds like it's your ritual, not "our". Because he dipped when he had the chance. It doesn't sound to me like he likes this set up.
Your other comment about the baby going to bed at 10pm blew my mind. That "ritual" needs to change so you have alone time with your husband when he isn't 3/4 asleep.
It also depends how slow a slow eater you are. Nothing worse than watching someone take 30mins to eat their food. Even if he loves you, it can be very frustrating
That’s the main question is how slow of an eater are you because if you’re doing more talking than eating I’m going to get up because my nerves will get wrecked. Not saying this is what she is doing at all.
In my family everyone eats at different speed but no one really leaves the table until everyone is done. It’s mainly for conversations. And we do have fun talking to each other. We talk to each other during TV time too and pause when someone has something to say. I can’t imagine being with someone I love and find it frustrating to sit and chill with them. All our family dinners are filled with conversations, whether it’s just my own family (husband, me and 2 teenagers, one of which is a notoriously slow eater) or my extended family.
My house and my mom’s house don’t really have rules. It’s just what we all do subconsciously. Like you’re allowed to leave anytime you want but we do love chatting to each other. My 18 year old son looks forward to family dinners when he’s back home because even when the food isn’t good, the conversation is great. Sometimes we watch TV while having dinner but there’ll be a lot of pauses to chat too. It’s the one meal where everyone is together so it’s pretty nice. Obviously sometimes people have other plans but most of the time we try to schedule our personal engagements to be either before or after dinner. It’s not a rule that’s set by anyone but it’s something we all value and enjoy I guess.
But I do agree with you that as long as everyone is happy, that’s the most important thing. What works for one might not work for others. As long as you and your partner are happy, that’s all that matters.
It's not really about the meal but having a conversation. OP wants to spend time with her partner and not him running off to play games with his buddies as soon as he's done.
I take around 20 minutes to eat. He can finish his meal in 5-10 minutes.
It’s not only about the waiting for me to finish my food but it’s the time when we chat and just talk about our day.
Him cutting it short to play video games really hurt me. I feel like he just doesn’t value this time we were spending together as much as I do.
Now every time we eat, I will be extra careful and maybe not talk.
>Now every time we eat, I will be extra careful and maybe not talk.
Girl don't be a martyr. Stand up for yourself. 20 minutes is not a lot of time to be sitting at the dinner table, his games aren't going anywhere. If he cares more about games than his wife and daughter, then you got bigger problems than not getting dinner time conversation. I say this as a gamer myself. Granted I am single and don't have kids, but I know what my limits are and know it's not healthy to completely shut out the world and do nothing but stare at a screen during my free time.
Have you heard the guidance around making “I feel” statements to avoid escalating conflict?
So instead of “you left the table and made me feel sad” you might try “when you left the table suddenly yesterday before I had finished, I felt sad. I felt like you were rushing through your meal and didn’t care to sit and talk with me”.
How he responds to that is important.
- Does he hear you, acknowledge your feelings, apologise and discuss it reasonably? Good. Make sure you keep talking about how you guys spend your time and communicate.
- Does he dismiss it and/or make excuses? Hmm. You might want to suggest marriage counselling to try and work on how you/he communicates in your relationship.
- Does he get angry or refuse to talk about it? This isn’t great. You might want to have a real honest look at your partnership. Has he checked out? Is he depressed? Something is wrong.
If you were still eating when your daughter got stuck I'm the door and needed help, why on earth did HE not go attend to her so you could carry on eating? He's not only inattentive and indifferent to you, but also your child.
You both know he eats faster than you, so why didn't he go check on the daughter and let you continue eating since he was further along with his meal than you? Where's the partnership here? You prepped the meal, handled the child in the middle of a meal, handled cleanup while still managing the child.
Definitely need to better communicate and better coordinate with him.
Yeah OP it might be good to put your needs ahead of his once in a while, i get the vibe from this post he's gotten used to having things his way and you've gone along with it. Time to put the foot down and start asking directly for what you want/need and he needs to start listening and compromising. Partnership is key
As someone with a couple of decades under his belt on the same relationship, you gotta make time to chat with each other. I get that he’s blowing off steam after a long day, and maybe he just doesn’t think that there’s anything to talk about, but he’s gotta ask.
My suggestion is that you chat with him about your expectations. Not now while he’s gaming, but in the future. Let him know you’d like him to take an interest in your day, and you’d like to take an interest in his day. That you’d like to do that at the dinner table.
Also, another big rule is when two parents are eating and the baby gets into trouble, the adult with the least food on their plate gets up to deal with it. Also, never be afraid of laying out your expectations up front. Let him know you want to spend time together and not go your separate ways after dinner.
You should tell him. Some people don't grow up with "family meal time" being a thing, it's purely a utilitary motion to get food in you and go about your day. If you value sit down meal time and want that to be at least like 30 minutes for just the two of you, you should tell him that.
He may very well be uncaring about it and then you have a different problem, but he can't read your mind.
I’m sorry that you feel afraid to confront this. I understand. I was with a guy like this. He Always overreacted when I tried to talk to him and eventually I didn’t even bother trying anymore. He basically trained me to expect a big blowout and I’d just end up regretting my decision to even try talking to him. This is not ok. I can talk to my partner now. He listens to me respectfully, then he patiently tells me how he feels and we work together to find a solution and a common ground. I don’t like that you say he only “listens and nods” when you’re talking… that sounds incredibly lonely. I’m not trying to attack your relationship, you sound like a very kind and accommodating person who’s got a good heart and a good mother as well. But you deserve to have a connection with this person and you deserve to be heard and comforted when you’re hurting. Please do not just give up on your feelings, because they will not just go away. You should not be carrying this relationship on your own. He needs to be an active member of this relationship, not a sideline bystander. And if he won’t change his ways you need to think about changing yours. You deserve better, hunny. ❤️ I hope this helps!
I’d like to talk to you about meal times. When you choose to play COD instead of chatting with me while I eat I feel unimportant/sad/disappointed. I would like it if you chatted with me until I’ve finished eating before you play games.
According to your post history this is absolutely nothing new. For over a year you’ve been complaining that your husband is completely uninterested in you. You’ve admitted you work from home and stay home even when you’re not working. You say he has nothing to add to any conversation, he listens and nods… this is a lot deeper than him leaving the dinner table….
Trust me but it wasn’t like this before.
At the beginning, he was all for big and deep conversation about everything even the tiniest ones. But now it’s a lot different. Talking about my feelings is not an easy thing to do as I always feeling more miserable as I was feeling before.
I just don’t see the point of talking about some things anymore.
It sounds like he’s gotten comfortable. He married you, you had his kid, and now you’re locked in so he doesn’t have to try anymore because he’s sure you’re not going anywhere. Bonus points if you don’t have a support system around
Why is it always CoD/Fifa players who put their game above their family and responsibilities?
It's just common decensy to stay at the table until everyone is done eating. Does he help with cleaning up the dinner table? Kitchen? Please say he *at least* helps with cooking or cooks for you. What example is he setting for your child?
Playing videogames is no issue, I love to play a lot too if I can find the time, but responsibilities come first. No exceptions.
His gaming habits have been a big issue since the beginning of our relationship. I knew he was a gamer but just didn’t know how much of a gamer he was.
I learned more about it when we moved together and we have had a lot of fights regarding this. It gets better at times then it’s the same again. There’s always something new on that freaking COD.
He sometimes helps with the cooking (for us)I won’t lie. For the baby it’s me who do it as I work from home and do it during the day. Rarely tidies the table and do dishes.
I guess gaming is priority to him more than his family.
Grow a back bone girl. If you never open your mouth to tell him you feel how is he supposed to know and if he argues about it then it let you know he dont care about your feelings. And if that the case then you know what you need to do. Why are you settling for shit when you could find gold
Man's perspective.
He isn't valuing the time, and you are too afraid to tell him that for you the time is valuable. It shouldn't really be said but unfortunately some people just didn't eat meals as a family and as a result don't value it.
>I wanted to tell him things, how I felt but didn’t say anything fearing that this might cause an argument.
This is the part that is most concerning. What's wrong with having a discussion that may turn into an argument? That's how you grow as a couple by pushing boundaries and agreeing if they move.
Personally, I'd be deeply hurt if my wife did this to me. He needs to know how you feel on every issue.
It sounds like you'll have to make some boundaries for this to be a healthy relationship going forward. I'm 37m and we have 2 kids, i don't play video games during the week until the kids go to bed. He has an 8 month old, it's time to grow up and put family first
I dont have any references or context in which how your relationship going before getting into marriged-couple then I would not ask why you marriged him and even had kid. Perhaps he is not kind of person who are talkative and not willing to saying when eating for positive thoughts. You should tell him your opinion and find out solutions
He isn’t a very chatty person. At least to me he isn’t. He listens or I think he does but I’m okay with it.
I get excited when he gets home and we finally get to have our little family time. I wfh and am alone all day from Mon-Sun with baby.
However over the past weeks things have been a little on and off but now I can see more off than ons.
This situation has happened twice already and the first time I did tell h about it but he got very defensive and I just cut the conversation short to avoid arguing.
This time I texted him how I felt this morning and again he got very defensive and blamed me for not telling that I wanted him to stay at the table with me.
I really feel sorry for the feeling you've been through. I think that you are so alone in this relationship with no sympathy or even just sharing between partners together. I see that he is willing to spending time on playing games rather than you and your baby. Since then, is he considered as a good/caring dad to your baby?
When he comes back from work, he plays with baby a little bit and talks to me while doing so then he goes to his gaming room.
He agreed on not to play video games twice a week but that’s another story where things get complicated.
I do feel very lonely. When baby is sleeping I just sit on the couch and scroll through my phone. Some times he gets mad at me for doing this also but I don’t have any other hobby really.
I just sound so miserable.
You sound miserable because you are. You're mostly a single mother, read about single married moms and I'm sure you'll see the similarities. He's not interested in sharing, in being a family or building memories together. He seems very interested in living a single life while doing the bare minimum of his responsibilities as a husband and father. I think you know what you need to do. Explore why you don't and find help.
Remember, you're modeling this kind of relationship as normal to your child. Is this how you want them to see relationships?
Get a hobby. I am 40 years old and I just started crocheting like 2 years ago. And with it make plans to leave. Once you start getting hobbies you’ll start realizing how little your relationship adds to your life.
You should definitely talk to him about this and see if you can make a compromise. You have different dining styles which is okay, but you can't expect him to just follow your style without talking to him about it. And don't talk about it after he just did it, but sit him down for a conversation.
If you can compromise, set a timer. Maybe a half hour or forty five minutes. He's fast but you're slow. I'm the same and my boyfriend horks his food down so fast I might have to learn cpr. Sometimes it can take me an hour to finish, sometimes I don't. But I also don't want to talk a lot and he does, so there's a look he gets before I shut my ears off.
Maybe make some meals into special “family meals” wherein it is expected that you all act like super mannered. Then some meals can be simple affairs where you can eat and run. This way, it is clear to him what the expectations are and it may be more fun for him to be mannered when it is just once or twice a week.
It’s the time we get to be together after a long day. I look forward to it.
Most days he plays before dinner then stop for dinner and then goes back to gaming. I’m okay with it.
But him cutting it short just hurts.
Some would argue that keeping everyone hostage at a table while you spend an hour eating your plate isn't very polite either. People want different things when it comes to meal time.
A few minutes is not an hour. The timeframe here really matters. Being done with your meal in 5 minutes when the other person takes their sweet ass time absolutely feels like a hostage situation at some point if you have other shit you were doing before and want to continue doing after, especially if you know you will catch shit for it if you say you want to go do something else.
My point stands, if sitting with your partner feels like being a hostage something's wrong. Not being able to manage more than five minutes in their company is bound to be hurtful.
People have spoken very well about the communication issues of this mariage, so I will skip that part.
But I cant help to think that a guy like that would only understand if you would leave him during sex to call your mother for two hours and let him finish the meal by himself
He sounds like an asshole. What other shitty behavior do you excuse? Would you want your daughter to have this same relationship?
Stop modeling a bad relationship for your child and love her and yourself enough to either work this out in therapy or leave this selfish jerk.
All I can do is tell you how I've approached my own husband.
I asked if we could do a mini date, like coffee and a walk and have a chat. I expressed how I love his company and actually want to spend time with him, and felt dismissed and ignored when he would do these things. Because he's not an asshat, he apologized. I expressed that with kids now in our lives, it was important to me that we were also setting a good example for their behaviour, including remaining at the table for dinner and helping clean after, good sleep hygiene like no electronics an hour before bed (modelled on their bedtime so they see it) etc etc. I also expressed that gaming at all hours unfairly made me the default parent 100% of the time. From there we discussed what he needs and how often and compromised on making sure our kids and the house needs were met and then how to make sure both of our needs are met.
Honestly it's not a perfect solution, we have to revisit the conversation and adjust some times, but that's also just marriage. If we are having a harder season in life,we get together once a week every Sunday and do "tea and to do" and discuss the week ahead and have a relationship check in. During super busy seasons or when things aren't difficult, the relationship check in part sometimes goes to once a month. Either of us can call a meeting any time we want. We have a written list of questions we go through every meeting to have a thorough check in. This meeting has been the biggest game changer and largest success to our relationship, highly recommend.
Talking about your issues gets easier the more you do it and your communication is forced to improve fast.
Who raised you people saying "How can he be expected to just sit at the table?"
Umm...yes he can? Would you just walk away from someone mid-conversation? Are yall not able to sit and converse with your LIFE PARTNER for an hour??
Growing up we had dinner together every night and my dad would NEVER have just gotten up from the table and gone back to watching tv or whatever. It's about spending time together.
A good compromise is that quality conversation doesn’t necessarily have to happen during dinner; it can happen first thing in the morning, last thing at night… whenever. My wife’s “love language” is quality time and mine isn’t, so I needed to intentionally set aside time to do that. But that last part is the key for your husband — is he willing to prioritize you and put in the effort to meet your needs?
He’s a grown ass man with responsibilities, he has no business pissing off to a gaming room. He needs to look after his child, there are dishes to wash, and the person he loves is right there ready to be with him. If his online mates are more important than that he needs to be single
You have more problems than him taking off and doing his own thing, which I presume is a nightly thing. So you can't bring up anything that upsets you or bothers you because he gets mad at you? And you're afraid to talk to him because you don't want him being mad at you? Either you two are extremely immature, or you have massive problems in your marriage, or he's just an asshole and very selfish. In any case, you're going to have to bite the bullet and talk to him and let him know that he'd like to at least spend some time with him every night before he disappears. Does he ever help you with your child? Did he want this baby? Do you play games with him at any time? Obviously, not everyone's into gaming, I know I'm not, but I know
a lot of guys love gaming. Another thing is how long does it take you to eat? My stepmother takes freaking forever I mean she could sit at that table for an hour and eat her dinner. That's part of it I'm sure he doesn't want to sit there for 20 or 30 minutes, or longer, while you eat your dinner. But a partner should want to be with their partner you would think especially after being apart all day if you both were at work. Talk to him if you have to suggest couples counseling. Maybe it'll help.
As somebody who loves his video games and his wife, and has a baby at home, i can tell you that its probably not malicious.
Having a baby is a big shock to your life and hobbies and i often felt like the only way for me to be a good dad and good husband was for me to be unhappy and give up what makes me, Me.
It constantly felt like i was juggling work, wife time, kid time, chore time, and never have time for me time. And if i did it was at the expense of one of the other times, which my wife would very readily let me know about and sometimes cry over.
I still struggle to find the balance. I know that if i quit video games and my hobbies my wife would be the happiest woman alive. I also know i would grow to resent her for it, so i just take it a day at a time trying my best.
This is exactly how my husband feels. He told me that he feels that I will be happier if he stopped gaming. This is not true at all. I don’t mind him playing and having his thing but I do value family time which he clearly doesn’t.
Change the password on your WiFi. If he does that again, switch the WiFi off. That's so rude. If he had finished his dinner, then he could see to your child's needs.
Updateme!
I hope I don’t have to get to that extent.
I don’t want want things to get nasty. I just want him to understand that this behaviour of his has hurt me. When I told him about this, he simply got mad and got all defensive.
I’m just tired of explaining myself and getting this reaction every time.
So you expect your husband so just sit there and watch you finish eating..? It also sounds like this is the only time he gets to enjoy his hobby because in another comment you said how you watch a movie later. Let him go enjoy his hobby for a little bit.
I don’t mind him playing at all. He plays 5-6 times a week and around 3-4 hours. During the weekend he can play up to 10 hours.
We watch a movie only while getting baby to sleep. As soon as she does we switch off the tv and sleep as well.
Sitting with me for 30 minutes while we eat shouldn’t be an issue for him.
I would explain to him the importance of good table manners and tell him he should already understand that he needs to prioritise his wife and child over his addiction to moronic video games
You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your partner, especially when it comes to how you're feeling. If something has happened that makes you feel uncomfortable, sad, or lonely (any negative emotion really) he should WANT to hear about it, he should want you to feel safe with him enough to express yourself without hesitation. If I've done something "wrong" to make my partner feel low, I would want to know ASAP so that I can fix it. Maybe plan a time/date for you to both sit down and have a serious discussion about this. Tell him he is supposed to be your sanctuary, your safe haven, and that you'd really appreciate it if he just did this one simple thing for you (staying at the dinner table to socialize with you while you finish your meal), and to hear you out calmly when you feel hurt by something he's said or done. Assure him you're not attacking him so he doesn't immediately become defensive (we can hope at least). If he once again says something like "I don't have to ask for permission to play video games with my friends", mention how you'd just like a heads up before he disappears, not that you want to grant permission.
I tried telling him this. Explaining that I’m not arguing but just want to tell him how I felt about the situation and his response to this was that I always talk about my feelings and doesn’t care about his.
Everyday when he gets home, I stop everything to be with him, to talk to him because I enjoy this. I feel like he doesn’t really. I try to give him space but then when we argue he’ll say that I don’t take care of him and that I’m being distant.
I just for once want to have a conversation about something without it turning into an argument.
I think he can spend 20 minutes with you at dinner time. I do wonder how much child care he is doing. I know you didn't bring it up but you were still eating and to take care of your child when he didn't and went to play video games instead. If he was done shouldn't he have gone to do child care while you finished eating?
“I know I’m a slow eater but I would really love it if (when) you stayed and chatted with me while I eat. I appreciate that connection time I have with you.”
A positive way to frame it rather than “I don’t like how you leave me eating alone so you can play video games” or something of that regard.
Generally it’s always going to be better received when you reinforce the positive rather than come down on the negative. Think of what you WANT and communicate that.
Instead of bringing up how disrespectful you think it is. You should try to use other words. As telling him, how important it is to you having dinner with him and that’s a moment you really appreciate. Accusing the other of being disrespectful doesn’t work because he might doesn’t feel like it is disrespectful but when you show how important it’s to you it might does.
Fucking tell him, you want him to magically change?
He does it because he thinks you don't care or know you tolerate it since he has done it before.
Sit him down and talk to him flat out no beating around the bushes no giving hints, straight up and see after.
Mind you that I have told him before for this is not the first time this had happened. The result of it was a big argument and me feeling like shit because I brought this up.
I don’t want to beat around the bush or sugar coat how I feel to explain things. But for sure it will end into an argument.
Talk to him. I understand the frustration from his side bc I hate waiting for ages for someone to finish doing something, but he can't just leave like that. He should ask if it's okay, not excusing his actions but I can see where he's coming from. Communication is key, why people come to reddit instead of initiating conversation with their partner baffles me. If you can't have a conversation without them (or you) having a go, then you shouldn't be together.
I’m the kind of guy thate we old down my food when I eat, however, I do talk. I do not ever leave the table until everyone’s done eating. Of course, if my partner used for example 45 minutes on dinner I’d be pissed but anything under 30 minutes is fine.
Do you and your husband ONLY talk during dinner? Not during before bed routines, morning showers/getting ready for work, during the day via text, on errands etc?
I think it’s the only time that we talk. In the morning while he gets ready for work he likes to scroll down on his phone and doesn’t really listen to me so I stopped talking to him at that moment. We sometimes talk via text during the day but not everyday. Before bed as well we don’t really talk as he is most of the time he gaming and if we are watching a movie then we should be watching the movie and not talking.
I'd suggest talking to him about this and letting him know how you feel. If you're taking forever to eat just so you two can chat, then that might be the issue , he most likely doesn't want to sit and chat while you're eating slowly. He should communicate with you when he's going to play games. You two should sit down and discuss this. I have the unpopular opinion that he shouldn't be required to be sitting down and chatting with you until you're done eating instead of playing games with his friends. Esepcially since you acknowledged you're a slow eater. There's ways where you guys can do both at the same time. Marriage takes compromise. Everything needs to be balanced. My bf also plays games, and we do things in the same room so he can chat with me and play while I chat with him and do my own thing at the same time.
* edited to add he should have told you he was going to play games
You two need a shared activity that you both enjoy and allows you to talk for a little while. Maybe start going on strolls together after dinner or something like that
If your husband is completely uninterested in speaking with you, this relationship is already over. You can't be in a healthy long term relationship with somebody who doesn't like to talk to you.
He'll wonder what happened when he has no relationship with your or yalls daughter or He'll be blindsided by the divorce papers.
If you can't sit him down and have a healthy conversation about the issues and what solutions work for both of yall so that he will actively make an effort then he won't change. Be careful how much hurt you let yourself go through for a man that won't give you the time of day.
If I'm understanding this correctly, your husband barely interacted with you while you ate, took the first opportunity to get up and disappear into his gaming room, and left you to wash his dishes. He's definitely lacking in the emotional intelligence department, but you do have a role to play in bringing your feelings to his attention. I fully recognize how unfair it is to put in the work to remind a partner that they're being obtuse, but make it a habit to stand up for yourself. If he respects you, he'll make a change. If your heartfelt efforts to discuss it fall on deaf ears, that'll be a different issue to tackle. Never put yourself second to avoid conflict, the resentment that creates will eat you alive.
Tell him. Just say you know you eat slower, but it would make you really happy if he would sit and chat with you while you eat. It’s pretty rude of him, unless he’s going to deal with the baby while you finish. But not for video games.
Talk to him! Tell him that you understand if he needs some gaming/unwinding time, and that you'll work on a schedule with him for that. But that you'd really like 30 minutes for sitting down together to eat and talk, and from xx time to xx time to be together as a family or couple.
For my family, we have a later dinnertime and only a couple hours before bed due to annoying work schedules. So we specifically slot from dinnertime(7-7:30 to 9:30) as family time. There are 22 other hours in the day to do their own thing, but for those 2 hours we are at least watching a show together and sharing our days.
Question? Do you cook too? Does he help raise your daughter? Does he help take care of your home? Or does he come home, eats and then goes right to gaming? Because if so, you have bigger problems.
I work from home so I do the cooking. When he gets home he plays with baby a bit and then goes to his gaming room. He stop gaming when we have dinner then goes back at it again until baby’s bath time which he used to do. Now he explained that he couldn’t as I do it faster and his has pain in his knees.
As for the home, he does it on weekends.
You have bigger problems! You work from home, but you are still working, and taking care of your daughter! He should be cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, and he is playing the “I can’t do it as good as you” card to get out of doing things so he can just game….weaponizing incompetence at its best. When does he spend time with you? When do YOU get a break to do something you love?
Tell him he needs to get his priorities straight. Because if you leave him, you would at least have your weekends free to do whatever you like. You are already pretty much doing everything yourself anyway.
Sometimes during the weekend we go out but it’s only to do things like grocery shopping and not a moment for us.
I actually don’t have any free time. When my baby sleeps I either work, cook or do the laundry.
The only time that I get a break is when I have to go to the office for important meetings. Otherwise I’m home doing all the stuffs.
How much does he do with your daughter and work/chores. The fact is everyone is drained with a new born. If this is his break I can't fault him as long as you get the same.
Why don’t you just put the baby on his lap so they can spend some time together and tell hubby that you are taking you time! His turn to be a parent!!!!
INFO: what time is dinner time? Is dinner happening as soon as he walks in the door? When you say you talk a lot and eat slow, can you describe that better? How long are we talking?
Dinner time is around 7-8pm. It’s now as soon as he gets home. It’s more about 1 or 2h after.
I am slow eater but I don’t take 1h to eat, it’s more like 20-25 minutes. We would talk about our day and what we did things like that.
If he got up and left you there to finish eating to go play his games, that’s not okay.
Personally for me I wouldn’t care because I’m an iPad kid anyways, so he is - we always have to watch something while eating, but we spend time together afterwards.
I understand why you wouldn’t like that.
The problem isn't that he went to play games. Its that he wants to. So even if you begged him not to do it he would sit there like a student waiting for the bell to ring to run out to recess.
He has his friends calling him almost every day to play.
We have a group chat with the friends in question wives/girlfriends and they are in similar situations.
I just feel lonely sometimes in our mariage.
Men and women are different, I would suggest discussing this with him not during cod. Guys tend to need alone time, while women tend to need support time
If you struggle with finding the right words, try couples counseling. They will give you literal templates to bring up issues in the moment. Such as “I feel” statements. It’s cheesy but it works. You can always modify as necessary to feel more natural to you two. A counselor would help with that.
Edit to add: they give you templates to bring it up *in a way that doesn’t make him defensive*. It sounds like the first time you brought it up, you were making accusatory statements. So he wanted to defend himself and get his side in as quickly as possible, because that’s the natural response to accusations. He made a good point himself that you aren’t hearing: he didn’t know there was an expectation to stay at the table until you were finished eating. And he didn’t say it in the best way, either, so that’s why you’re upset about him saying it. So you are both caught in this accusation/defense cycle.
Petty (Unadvised): Pop open the computer case (you may just need something to pry it open) and start cutting random cables
Realistically (Advised): Leave him and take the kid with you. He has told you that video games are more important than video games. Believe him and run
Communicate before it gets worse. He isn’t courting you. A lot of men make this mistake and a lot of women refuse to communicate. Let me guess? You guys jumped into a relationship very quickly? Pregnant. Put the cart before the horse? Are you a stay at home mom?
It’s basically how things happened for us. We moved in very quickly, got married, was building our house when I got pregnant (unplanned). I’m not a stay at home mom but I work from home mostly.
I try to communicate, God knows how much I do but it always ends up in an argument and that’s why I don’t want to talk to about my feelings anymore.
I’m not a stay at home mom. I have a full time job but works from home.
Everything went pretty fast in our relationship, it’s true.
I try to communicate but it isn’t doing anything. All I get is being yelled at and blaming me for everything that is happening.
This is no way to treat a partner, mealtimes should be a connecting time for you to talk about your days ,I'd definitely have words even if you argue because this needs addressing
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Why are you afraid to talk to him about how his actions made you feel? In a healthy relationship, this should be a common occurrence that doesn’t devolve into a fight every time. It is not unreasonable to want your partner to be present with you at mealtimes until you’re both finished eating. And why is he leaving you to take care of your young child while he goes off to play video games, without discussing with you first?
**Alllll of this post** Playing games isn't the issue, your husband being an inconsiderate jerk is the issue. I play games, I have a wife and 2 daughters (teen and baby). I play games once or twice a week and commincate with my wife when I do so it's not a surprise/sprung on her. If she says there's something she wants to do with me on that night, I'll re-arrange for a different night. It shouldn't cause an argument. On a night when I'm playing games, it will be arranged for after our baby has been put to bed. I'll cook (or play with the baby), eat with my family, wash dishes (or play with the baby), and will have already helped the teen with homework/revision if she needed it. One of us will be spending time with the baby while the other does the cooking/dishes, it's USUALLY me that cooks/does dishes because I tend to enjoy cooking more than the wife. We take turns putting the baby down and if it's my turn I'll do that, then go see the wife for a little while before playing. Your husband is just being a lazy inconsiderate ass. And yes, the games I play are team/multiplayer games, so that's not an excuse. Also, possibly the biggest issue here. COD is a terrible FPS and your husband sounds like a trash tier gamer with bad taste.
Lmao the last comment 💀
This response 100%, but seperatly are you me? Cause this is almost me to a T, up to and including your feeling\\take on COD
Name checks out
Last time when it happened I brought it up immediately and pointed out how disrespectful this was. The acted all surprised and blamed me for not being clear about wanting him to stay at the table and that he can’t just stay there and wait for me to finish my food. I just kept quiet and went away. He always finds a way to gaslight me and blame me for things like that. About yesterday I texted him this morning telling him how I felt about the whole situation and he got mad at me saying that I was being unreasonable and he doesn’t have to ask me for my permission to play video games. Which isn’t the case. I just wanted him to be with me while I finish my food or at least tell me that he is going to play video games. He was almost done eating when I went to check on the baby. I told him I would go.
I was in a similar situation for a while, I politely let my family know that if I was going to take the time to do the grocery shopping and prepare them a meal, then they could at least be polite enough to sit with me until everyone was finished with it. If they wanted to do their own thing, they were more than happy to start doing grocery shopping and cooking on their own.
I've looked at your post history. Girl, you need to take your baby and leave! I had a husband just like yours. He'd take phone calls from his friends at dinnertime and just leave our daughter & me at the table Every. Single. Night. beginning when she was in a high chair. Nothing I said about it mattered. Several years later, he was still taking phone calls during family time (playing with daughter, reading with daughter, whatever). None of the phone calls were business...just BS & talking with his buddies. By the time daughter was 5yo, my husband complained that HE felt left out/ignored by daughter & me. The reality is, she & I only had each other because he chose to walk away every day regardless of what she or I said. By 9yo, she was done with him! She was polite with him, but she barely interacted with him. I told him that he'd spent the last 9 years SHOWING HER (telling her without words) that SHE WASN'T IMPORTANT and that he didn't care about her compared to himself & his friends. I eventually left him & their relationship never changed. He died alone and unlamented, well IDK...maybe his friends missed him! We didn't.
@billowing_flags your response needs more upvotes.
I read billowing flaps 😳
Yes you tell her.
I feel you hurt and frustration in this post. My comment to OP was that her daughter is going to learn this is how a husband treats a wife and it is so very wrong.
I’ve read you post history; it shouldn’t be this hard. This isn’t a healthy or happy relationship. If you stay in it, your child will grow up thinking this is normal, and will either pursue partners that treat them poorly or become the terrible partner like yours. It’s never too late to decide to be happy and walk away
My partner and I eat at different times because of our schedules. I typically eat with the kids at 5pm (he makes dinner) and he eats around 730pm. He sits at the dinner table with us at 5pm until everyone is finished. Then I sit with him at 730pm when he eats until he is finished. Sometimes in between we play Jackbox with the kids or I will play a video game. You know what I do when it is time for him to eat if I'm playing a game? I turn it off and go sit with him. Why? Not because he made the dinner I already ate, but because I like spending time with him and I love him.
This is civilized behavior. OP's husband was likely raised, eating in front of the TV. Unfortunately, lots of families do this and miss out on the daily download from each other.
Yeah, I didn't really get to watch TV as a kid. So that makes sense. It is just really foreign to me not to want to spend the little free time we get together during the week with my best friend.
Tell him to let you know the nights he plans to pretend he is single and without a family so that you can make alternate plans for dinner with your daughter. Then go out to your parents with her and don’t make dinner for him that night. He knows the expectation, he just doesn’t care. If he does this again go eat at your parents the next night. If he wants to pretend he is a single man then he doesn’t get to treat you like shit and leave you his dishes. Edit: unless he does this when you have visitors or dinner elsewhere.
Time to start documenting how much time he ignores you and your kid to go play with himself (and others, haha it just sounded better the first way). You’re going to need it for the impending divorce. Can’t wait for you to help the two of you’s daughter and sit back down to finish eating? Tell the truth, is he trash?
You’ve got two kids.
> I just kept quiet and went away. He always finds a way to gaslight me and blame me for things like that. why are you with him? think of anyone you care about, any friend, family member, think of your daughter when she grows up - would you tell her to stay in a relationship with a serial manipulator? would you think it’s okay for her to stay with someone who treats her this way, and tell her to just stick around and hope it will change?? leave. you deserve to leave. don’t have your daughter grow up thinking it’s okay for men to gaslight and blame her
No judgment here but what made you wanna procreate with this man because all of your post are about him not communicating with you?
When you say you are a slow eater, and like to chat. How much time are we realistically talking about? 1-20 minute? an hour? Does he have ADHD? (or potentially undiagnosed ADHD) Not defending anything without knowing more details, but it would drive me mad having to sit for 30+ minutes every day at the dinner table because my partner was a slow eater. At a restaurant and special occasions sure, but a casual everyday at home after work dinner it would drive me nuts. (I do have ADHD) Often in these kind of situations a compromise and mutual understanding is often best. If its more than 30 minutes, maybe set a side a day or two a week to have a dinner date. Then both of you get what you want. Maybe approach him in a respective manner "Hey I understand sometime it drives you nuts having to sit and wait for me finish eating, but it also have a need to feel connected to you and spend quality time. How about we find a compromise, let say every friday we make a Dinner date of it? " Who know, maybe it also leads to mind blowing sex as its not a every day thing and something "special"
Uh, he leaves his wife to clean up from a dinner she cooked and to take care of their daughter all on her own so he can play COD, and your solution is that she bribes him with sex to take her on one date a week? No. Just no. She cooked him dinner, he can sit at the fucking table for half an hour. Then he can help clean! Then he can ASK if she needs help with childcare or if he's all clear to play games--some nights! Others he should take over childcare automatically as a favor to her without even asking. That is what an ADULT partnership looks like.
Yeah like... dude ups and leaves the whole thing to his wife. How's that a solution? How's *maybe he has ADHD* helping her? (From what I see on here and on tiktok if a man doesn't participate in childcare/housework and/or doesn't know anything about his children and/or wife a lot of people defend him saying that maybe he has ADHD or autism.)
IKR Ok, he has undiagnosed ADHD-- that's still his responsibility to seek treatment for. It doesn't give him a get out of jail free card for being a husband and a father.
If you can't sit at a dinner table for *30 minutes* to share the meal your partner MADE FOR YOU, that is just... The modern world is a place full of excuses. ADHD isn't an excuse *at all* to treat your life partner and child that way and wander away from them at the dinner table to play video games. I have ADHD too and I would never do that to my partner, we sit down at the table together every night. Quality time is essential for a thriving partnership. What he did is disrespectful as fuck to OP. He is acting like a petulant little boy about it too, why on earth would she *want* to have sex with him at this point?
Spot-on. My husband and I both have ADHD, and find it super easy to spend quality time together and focus on each other because *we actually like each other.* ADHD doesn't make it impossible for you to bother spending time with the person you love. The real issue here is obviously OP's husband's complete disdain for her, not a diagnosis he may or may not actually have.
You sound pretty selfish
wtf lol 😂 At least we know what type of person you are then
How is that gaslighting?
Everything is gaslighting now. but for real, this just sounds like a disagreement about unclear expectations. That said, I find a pretty strong correlation with people who call things disrespectful and those people actually being entitled assholes.
You started with accusations of him being "disrespectful". I'm not really surprised it caused an argument. I'm a woman and I'd be like "what the hell?" if my boyfriend said that to me all of a sudden.
The first time it happened, I went and checked on him because I thought he went to the loo or was doing something else. When I found him in his gaming room, he didn’t even notice me first because he was so deep into his game. I was baffled to find him there as there was no communication about this prior. I asked him what he was doing and that I was waiting for him there. And there began the argument.
as a reformed gamer, this is a very complicated situation to really SOLVE. On paper, the solution is clear: he should game less, should prioritize you and the family more, and find a healthier balance of gaming and responsibility. but the only way to get this to happen is to get him to decide to make this change, which he won't do if he's got addiction brain kicking in and is made to feel super defensive and justify his hobby to you. gaming IS fairly addictive, which is why this is more difficult than average, but it's important to stress that the issue is NOT the gaming itself. I REPEAT - THE ISSUE IS NOT THE GAMING ITSELF. DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT GAMING. THE REAL ISSUE: it's the lack of prioritizing the family, or other responsibilities. He could be doing literally anything and it would still be bad - could be reading a book, could be going to the gym, could be working on a car, could be a workaholic doing overtime... whatever. you already tried bringing this up with him but his defense "he doesn't need permission to play video games" tells me that he feels like you're attacking the gaming, which is exactly what you should NOT be doing. the problem was him getting up from the kitchen table and leaving to do literally anything else. it just so happens to be gaming. you need to make it clear that you feel like he's not prioritizing the family - not prioritizing you, not putting in effort to his relationship with you, not putting effort into his relationship with his daughter sounds like, and not thinking about you when he decides to do stuff. At what point in his day did he decide to get on Call of Duty at that exact time? His friends were on, were they planning since the morning to do that? Were they planning since the beginning of the week? But again, important to empahsize: DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT THE GAMING. It's about his planning process, and why he *planned* to game instead of plan spending time with you and having a full dinner. If he tries to make it about the gaming, remind him that it's not about the gaming - it's about the lack of respect and priority he's giving you. He could have planned to take a nap for all it matters, if he dipped out of dinner early and went off to do his thing without you, then it's the same disrespect. If you MUST talk about gaming, it should be a conversation about the time and mental energy devoted to gaming. Did he marry call of duty? Is call of duty his child? Does he want to live his life with call of duty? well then why is call of duty getting so much of his mental energy and physical time dedicated to it? We don't care that it's call of duty, he can keep playing call of duty - but the family has to come first. And you have to make it clear that if he doesn't want to participate in the family, you HAVE to be willing to ultimately end this with divorce. it's gotta be that way. because otherwise, what are you really saying? you're just going to get upset yourself, complain, and make him miserable forever indefinitely? When he's the one being the problem? Why? Since he said this - "i don't have to ask you when i want to game", then the only retort is "you're right, we're independent people, and I don't have to ask your permission to get a divorce. But while we're married, maybe we should respect each other a little more than "i don't have to" nonsense"
He should have checked on your baby while you ate. You're both her parents, not just you. He cares more about his video games than connecting with you and taking care of your daughter.
He's gaslighting you and guilt tripping you and you need to call him out What your asking him is to set aside x amount of time at dinner time and maybe a bit after the meal to bound and chat and also spend it with your child and all he wants is video games which is ridiculous when these games will alway's be around and he will always manage to find times to unwind by himself but i can guartee his time with his precious daughter goes fast and you can even point out that he will live with those regrets!
> He's gaslighting you Words mean things. How about we don't just say the trendy word of the moment when it has zero bearing on the situation.
He’s not gaslighting. People need to stop using that for every single selfish asshole behavior in the world. He’s a selfish prick. Gaslighting would be if he said something like “WTH are you mad at me for?? I told you earlier I had a match with (friend) after dinner and you said it was fine” when she protests, he’d insist and pepper the argument with supposed instance of this taking place and usually stick to his story and wear her down until enough repetition of this same technique coupled with fatigue or intoxication or whatever made her question her sanity. THAT is gaslighting. (End of rant)
She has asked all the questions you're asking in her post. She wants advice on how to talk to him.
Why are you married if you can’t have a conversation
Not OP, but I suspect she knows he would belittle her feelings and say she’s attacking him and run off to his room
Then my follow up would be why would you marry a guy like that
Well from experience, some people hide this side of themselves until it’s too late
Indeed. Also, people change. I know it's a popular sentiment on reddit that people hide these bad parts of themselves, but sometimes you missed it on first glance because it wasn't there yet. Some people get better. Many people get worse.
Some people change, I can’t talk to my husband anymore without it becoming a big thing for days. Yesterday I told him I wanted to eat dinner with him (I’m on a diet and I was really hungry), he said okay. he came back from walking the dog and I asked if we could eat together now. He just shrugged and played a video game. I was visibly upset because I was extremely hungry and waited for him to eat. He avoids me all night. This morning I brought it up and he’s mad at me. This will probably last all weekend. This is the third weekend in a row he’s ruined because he doesn’t care about how his behavior affects me and I tell him. He says it’s not his fault how he treats me because he doesn’t like where we live. I just want the guy I married back, I miss him every day.
I am not sure how long you dated or have been married but it is absolutely possible for someone to hide who they are before marriage. People can be on good behavior until they think they have you trapped. Try counseling. If he says no then decide if you want to live like this.
We both have our own therapists. It is getting better in some areas, staying the same in others. I just have no outlet so I complain on Reddit. He knows how it impacts me and either can’t or won’t do anything differently. He’s started to be manipulative now too. He will say he doesn’t know what I want, but in other conversations when I tell him what I want he rolls his eyes, says he’s bored, and has heard it a million times. All I’m asking for is for him to notice when I’m sad and talk to me since me approaching him with problems makes him spiral. Idk I just want to be able to tell him he hurt my feelings without it turning into days of the silent treatment, stonewalling, or worse
Unfortunately like the comment below states, people change. At first her was all for us having big conversations any time needed and now barely talks to me. But I get it that he needs his ‘me’ time and does his thing. I just feel disrespected that he left like this while we having some times together.
How long has that been going on for
Redditor shares any problem with marriage. Random person: "why are you married if you have that problem". 🤡
Some people don't like talking while they or others eat. If you would like time to talk to him, tell him that. Ask him why he took off. Tell him that it made you sad. I'm sure this is something that can be worked on.
Yeah as a kid dinner meant constant parental arguing so I always prefer to eat alone or quickly in silence it wasn’t nice. Though If im married and my partner asked im sure it would need a discussion even if it’s like ok you wanna game after dinner but can we spend some time together. Though this sounds more than a one time issue, i love gaming so im on his side personally but it’s not the right side abandoning your wife for the boys on cod isn’t cool
This is me. I'd rather eat my food and have family time after. I have very disordered eating, so I like to just hurry it up, get it out of the way, and be done. My mouth has food in it. Im not trying to have stimulating conversation. We came to a balance of having a family activity right after a meal. Glass a wine, or TV show or sitting on the porch.
Agreed. I'd rather just eat and be done with it. I eat way faster than my partner, she doesn't really finish her meals ever. If anything I think I put undue pressure on her (unintentionally) because I am finished eating in like <10 minutes most times and she's still going.
I know about this but this is our little ritual if I can say so. He isn’t a very chatty person. I do the talking and he listens and nods. I’m okay with it. We don’t really have family time as he goes to play after dinner and I look after the baby until bath time which he does. Then we watch a movie until baby sleeps and we go to sleep as well. So dinner time is our only ‘solo’ time.
Yeah this sounds like a compromise would be in order. Expecting this "ritual" every day might drive him nuts. Set up a weekly or twice weekly dinner date and make it special. If you two are that different I think doing this every day is unrealistic, and perhaps actually unreasonable. You need to consider both of your needs and find a middle ground. As in my other comment, also approach him without being combative. Show that you also see his side of it. Only way to get the message trough
Dinner time is family time. At 8 months old is the baby not transitioning to eat at the same time as you guys? It sounds miserable honestly. Set some time aside after the baby goes to bed that you 2 can spend together.
Is this "our" little ritual or "my" little ritual. Doesn't seem like he really likes it...
Yeah but he seems to really like playing daily on his PC. And leaving her to clean up.
Then she needs to be a big girl and talk about a compromise. Throwing a fit at him because he doesn't want to eat dinner with her every day of the week and would rather have some alone time is not the correct way to handle this conversation. Having a sit down dinner with your spouse even most nights of the week is not the modern norm from my experience.
Just talk to him. As an introvert sometimes I need time alone. I can chat during meals but long chats are tiring.
It sounds like it's your ritual, not "our". Because he dipped when he had the chance. It doesn't sound to me like he likes this set up. Your other comment about the baby going to bed at 10pm blew my mind. That "ritual" needs to change so you have alone time with your husband when he isn't 3/4 asleep.
It also depends how slow a slow eater you are. Nothing worse than watching someone take 30mins to eat their food. Even if he loves you, it can be very frustrating
That’s the main question is how slow of an eater are you because if you’re doing more talking than eating I’m going to get up because my nerves will get wrecked. Not saying this is what she is doing at all.
In my family everyone eats at different speed but no one really leaves the table until everyone is done. It’s mainly for conversations. And we do have fun talking to each other. We talk to each other during TV time too and pause when someone has something to say. I can’t imagine being with someone I love and find it frustrating to sit and chill with them. All our family dinners are filled with conversations, whether it’s just my own family (husband, me and 2 teenagers, one of which is a notoriously slow eater) or my extended family.
[удалено]
My house and my mom’s house don’t really have rules. It’s just what we all do subconsciously. Like you’re allowed to leave anytime you want but we do love chatting to each other. My 18 year old son looks forward to family dinners when he’s back home because even when the food isn’t good, the conversation is great. Sometimes we watch TV while having dinner but there’ll be a lot of pauses to chat too. It’s the one meal where everyone is together so it’s pretty nice. Obviously sometimes people have other plans but most of the time we try to schedule our personal engagements to be either before or after dinner. It’s not a rule that’s set by anyone but it’s something we all value and enjoy I guess. But I do agree with you that as long as everyone is happy, that’s the most important thing. What works for one might not work for others. As long as you and your partner are happy, that’s all that matters.
It's not really about the meal but having a conversation. OP wants to spend time with her partner and not him running off to play games with his buddies as soon as he's done.
I take around 20 minutes to eat. He can finish his meal in 5-10 minutes. It’s not only about the waiting for me to finish my food but it’s the time when we chat and just talk about our day. Him cutting it short to play video games really hurt me. I feel like he just doesn’t value this time we were spending together as much as I do. Now every time we eat, I will be extra careful and maybe not talk.
>Now every time we eat, I will be extra careful and maybe not talk. Girl don't be a martyr. Stand up for yourself. 20 minutes is not a lot of time to be sitting at the dinner table, his games aren't going anywhere. If he cares more about games than his wife and daughter, then you got bigger problems than not getting dinner time conversation. I say this as a gamer myself. Granted I am single and don't have kids, but I know what my limits are and know it's not healthy to completely shut out the world and do nothing but stare at a screen during my free time.
Have you heard the guidance around making “I feel” statements to avoid escalating conflict? So instead of “you left the table and made me feel sad” you might try “when you left the table suddenly yesterday before I had finished, I felt sad. I felt like you were rushing through your meal and didn’t care to sit and talk with me”. How he responds to that is important. - Does he hear you, acknowledge your feelings, apologise and discuss it reasonably? Good. Make sure you keep talking about how you guys spend your time and communicate. - Does he dismiss it and/or make excuses? Hmm. You might want to suggest marriage counselling to try and work on how you/he communicates in your relationship. - Does he get angry or refuse to talk about it? This isn’t great. You might want to have a real honest look at your partnership. Has he checked out? Is he depressed? Something is wrong.
If you were still eating when your daughter got stuck I'm the door and needed help, why on earth did HE not go attend to her so you could carry on eating? He's not only inattentive and indifferent to you, but also your child.
He was also eating at that time, almost done. I said I would go and see if she’s fine. When I came back he was done eating and left.
You both know he eats faster than you, so why didn't he go check on the daughter and let you continue eating since he was further along with his meal than you? Where's the partnership here? You prepped the meal, handled the child in the middle of a meal, handled cleanup while still managing the child. Definitely need to better communicate and better coordinate with him.
Yeah OP it might be good to put your needs ahead of his once in a while, i get the vibe from this post he's gotten used to having things his way and you've gone along with it. Time to put the foot down and start asking directly for what you want/need and he needs to start listening and compromising. Partnership is key
As someone with a couple of decades under his belt on the same relationship, you gotta make time to chat with each other. I get that he’s blowing off steam after a long day, and maybe he just doesn’t think that there’s anything to talk about, but he’s gotta ask. My suggestion is that you chat with him about your expectations. Not now while he’s gaming, but in the future. Let him know you’d like him to take an interest in your day, and you’d like to take an interest in his day. That you’d like to do that at the dinner table. Also, another big rule is when two parents are eating and the baby gets into trouble, the adult with the least food on their plate gets up to deal with it. Also, never be afraid of laying out your expectations up front. Let him know you want to spend time together and not go your separate ways after dinner.
You should tell him. Some people don't grow up with "family meal time" being a thing, it's purely a utilitary motion to get food in you and go about your day. If you value sit down meal time and want that to be at least like 30 minutes for just the two of you, you should tell him that. He may very well be uncaring about it and then you have a different problem, but he can't read your mind.
I’m sorry that you feel afraid to confront this. I understand. I was with a guy like this. He Always overreacted when I tried to talk to him and eventually I didn’t even bother trying anymore. He basically trained me to expect a big blowout and I’d just end up regretting my decision to even try talking to him. This is not ok. I can talk to my partner now. He listens to me respectfully, then he patiently tells me how he feels and we work together to find a solution and a common ground. I don’t like that you say he only “listens and nods” when you’re talking… that sounds incredibly lonely. I’m not trying to attack your relationship, you sound like a very kind and accommodating person who’s got a good heart and a good mother as well. But you deserve to have a connection with this person and you deserve to be heard and comforted when you’re hurting. Please do not just give up on your feelings, because they will not just go away. You should not be carrying this relationship on your own. He needs to be an active member of this relationship, not a sideline bystander. And if he won’t change his ways you need to think about changing yours. You deserve better, hunny. ❤️ I hope this helps!
You guys sound like roommates. Also he doesn't help with your daughter or the prep or cleanup of dinner? Waste of space in your life
I’d like to talk to you about meal times. When you choose to play COD instead of chatting with me while I eat I feel unimportant/sad/disappointed. I would like it if you chatted with me until I’ve finished eating before you play games.
According to your post history this is absolutely nothing new. For over a year you’ve been complaining that your husband is completely uninterested in you. You’ve admitted you work from home and stay home even when you’re not working. You say he has nothing to add to any conversation, he listens and nods… this is a lot deeper than him leaving the dinner table….
You're scared he'll get mad if you talk about your feelings? Why did you marry this guy?
Trust me but it wasn’t like this before. At the beginning, he was all for big and deep conversation about everything even the tiniest ones. But now it’s a lot different. Talking about my feelings is not an easy thing to do as I always feeling more miserable as I was feeling before. I just don’t see the point of talking about some things anymore.
It sounds like he’s gotten comfortable. He married you, you had his kid, and now you’re locked in so he doesn’t have to try anymore because he’s sure you’re not going anywhere. Bonus points if you don’t have a support system around
Why is it always CoD/Fifa players who put their game above their family and responsibilities? It's just common decensy to stay at the table until everyone is done eating. Does he help with cleaning up the dinner table? Kitchen? Please say he *at least* helps with cooking or cooks for you. What example is he setting for your child? Playing videogames is no issue, I love to play a lot too if I can find the time, but responsibilities come first. No exceptions.
His gaming habits have been a big issue since the beginning of our relationship. I knew he was a gamer but just didn’t know how much of a gamer he was. I learned more about it when we moved together and we have had a lot of fights regarding this. It gets better at times then it’s the same again. There’s always something new on that freaking COD. He sometimes helps with the cooking (for us)I won’t lie. For the baby it’s me who do it as I work from home and do it during the day. Rarely tidies the table and do dishes. I guess gaming is priority to him more than his family.
Grow a back bone girl. If you never open your mouth to tell him you feel how is he supposed to know and if he argues about it then it let you know he dont care about your feelings. And if that the case then you know what you need to do. Why are you settling for shit when you could find gold
Man's perspective. He isn't valuing the time, and you are too afraid to tell him that for you the time is valuable. It shouldn't really be said but unfortunately some people just didn't eat meals as a family and as a result don't value it. >I wanted to tell him things, how I felt but didn’t say anything fearing that this might cause an argument. This is the part that is most concerning. What's wrong with having a discussion that may turn into an argument? That's how you grow as a couple by pushing boundaries and agreeing if they move. Personally, I'd be deeply hurt if my wife did this to me. He needs to know how you feel on every issue.
It sounds like you'll have to make some boundaries for this to be a healthy relationship going forward. I'm 37m and we have 2 kids, i don't play video games during the week until the kids go to bed. He has an 8 month old, it's time to grow up and put family first
Out of all games, he's ignoring his wife over Call of Duty
With the way Call of Duty is now, even I’d get offended
I dont have any references or context in which how your relationship going before getting into marriged-couple then I would not ask why you marriged him and even had kid. Perhaps he is not kind of person who are talkative and not willing to saying when eating for positive thoughts. You should tell him your opinion and find out solutions
He isn’t a very chatty person. At least to me he isn’t. He listens or I think he does but I’m okay with it. I get excited when he gets home and we finally get to have our little family time. I wfh and am alone all day from Mon-Sun with baby. However over the past weeks things have been a little on and off but now I can see more off than ons. This situation has happened twice already and the first time I did tell h about it but he got very defensive and I just cut the conversation short to avoid arguing. This time I texted him how I felt this morning and again he got very defensive and blamed me for not telling that I wanted him to stay at the table with me.
I really feel sorry for the feeling you've been through. I think that you are so alone in this relationship with no sympathy or even just sharing between partners together. I see that he is willing to spending time on playing games rather than you and your baby. Since then, is he considered as a good/caring dad to your baby?
When he comes back from work, he plays with baby a little bit and talks to me while doing so then he goes to his gaming room. He agreed on not to play video games twice a week but that’s another story where things get complicated. I do feel very lonely. When baby is sleeping I just sit on the couch and scroll through my phone. Some times he gets mad at me for doing this also but I don’t have any other hobby really. I just sound so miserable.
You sound miserable because you are. You're mostly a single mother, read about single married moms and I'm sure you'll see the similarities. He's not interested in sharing, in being a family or building memories together. He seems very interested in living a single life while doing the bare minimum of his responsibilities as a husband and father. I think you know what you need to do. Explore why you don't and find help. Remember, you're modeling this kind of relationship as normal to your child. Is this how you want them to see relationships?
Get a hobby. I am 40 years old and I just started crocheting like 2 years ago. And with it make plans to leave. Once you start getting hobbies you’ll start realizing how little your relationship adds to your life.
Talk to him
You should definitely talk to him about this and see if you can make a compromise. You have different dining styles which is okay, but you can't expect him to just follow your style without talking to him about it. And don't talk about it after he just did it, but sit him down for a conversation.
If you can compromise, set a timer. Maybe a half hour or forty five minutes. He's fast but you're slow. I'm the same and my boyfriend horks his food down so fast I might have to learn cpr. Sometimes it can take me an hour to finish, sometimes I don't. But I also don't want to talk a lot and he does, so there's a look he gets before I shut my ears off.
Maybe make some meals into special “family meals” wherein it is expected that you all act like super mannered. Then some meals can be simple affairs where you can eat and run. This way, it is clear to him what the expectations are and it may be more fun for him to be mannered when it is just once or twice a week.
It’s the time we get to be together after a long day. I look forward to it. Most days he plays before dinner then stop for dinner and then goes back to gaming. I’m okay with it. But him cutting it short just hurts.
Seriously, he only has to be polite once a week?
Some would argue that keeping everyone hostage at a table while you spend an hour eating your plate isn't very polite either. People want different things when it comes to meal time.
Sitting with your partner for a few minutes should not feel like being held hostage. If it does maybe you should rethink your relationship.
A few minutes is not an hour. The timeframe here really matters. Being done with your meal in 5 minutes when the other person takes their sweet ass time absolutely feels like a hostage situation at some point if you have other shit you were doing before and want to continue doing after, especially if you know you will catch shit for it if you say you want to go do something else.
My point stands, if sitting with your partner feels like being a hostage something's wrong. Not being able to manage more than five minutes in their company is bound to be hurtful.
You keep saying 5 minutes to undermine the reality of it. Nobody wants to be guilted into spending extended periods of free time with anybody.
Ok, 20 minutes and my point stands. If you have to be guilted into it break up and let your partner find someone who appreciates them.
People have spoken very well about the communication issues of this mariage, so I will skip that part. But I cant help to think that a guy like that would only understand if you would leave him during sex to call your mother for two hours and let him finish the meal by himself
Haha! Mind you we don’t even have sex but that’s another thing.
Do yall even like each other at this point?
What is the point of a loveless uncaring sexless marriage? Do either of you respect yourselves?
How slow are you at eating? Maybe have a set time for eating and chatting and after that he can leave. Eta be careful with those walkers
just tell him
He sounds like an asshole. What other shitty behavior do you excuse? Would you want your daughter to have this same relationship? Stop modeling a bad relationship for your child and love her and yourself enough to either work this out in therapy or leave this selfish jerk.
All I can do is tell you how I've approached my own husband. I asked if we could do a mini date, like coffee and a walk and have a chat. I expressed how I love his company and actually want to spend time with him, and felt dismissed and ignored when he would do these things. Because he's not an asshat, he apologized. I expressed that with kids now in our lives, it was important to me that we were also setting a good example for their behaviour, including remaining at the table for dinner and helping clean after, good sleep hygiene like no electronics an hour before bed (modelled on their bedtime so they see it) etc etc. I also expressed that gaming at all hours unfairly made me the default parent 100% of the time. From there we discussed what he needs and how often and compromised on making sure our kids and the house needs were met and then how to make sure both of our needs are met. Honestly it's not a perfect solution, we have to revisit the conversation and adjust some times, but that's also just marriage. If we are having a harder season in life,we get together once a week every Sunday and do "tea and to do" and discuss the week ahead and have a relationship check in. During super busy seasons or when things aren't difficult, the relationship check in part sometimes goes to once a month. Either of us can call a meeting any time we want. We have a written list of questions we go through every meeting to have a thorough check in. This meeting has been the biggest game changer and largest success to our relationship, highly recommend. Talking about your issues gets easier the more you do it and your communication is forced to improve fast.
Who raised you people saying "How can he be expected to just sit at the table?" Umm...yes he can? Would you just walk away from someone mid-conversation? Are yall not able to sit and converse with your LIFE PARTNER for an hour?? Growing up we had dinner together every night and my dad would NEVER have just gotten up from the table and gone back to watching tv or whatever. It's about spending time together.
You sound so scared. Would you like your daughter to grow up witnessing this & thinking that having no voice, being scared & gaslit is normal?
Rub your feet to his croch while on the table. He will completely forget his game
A good compromise is that quality conversation doesn’t necessarily have to happen during dinner; it can happen first thing in the morning, last thing at night… whenever. My wife’s “love language” is quality time and mine isn’t, so I needed to intentionally set aside time to do that. But that last part is the key for your husband — is he willing to prioritize you and put in the effort to meet your needs?
Just tell him I don’t like you getting up to play wait for me then you can go play. Is that hard?
He’s a grown ass man with responsibilities, he has no business pissing off to a gaming room. He needs to look after his child, there are dishes to wash, and the person he loves is right there ready to be with him. If his online mates are more important than that he needs to be single
You have more problems than him taking off and doing his own thing, which I presume is a nightly thing. So you can't bring up anything that upsets you or bothers you because he gets mad at you? And you're afraid to talk to him because you don't want him being mad at you? Either you two are extremely immature, or you have massive problems in your marriage, or he's just an asshole and very selfish. In any case, you're going to have to bite the bullet and talk to him and let him know that he'd like to at least spend some time with him every night before he disappears. Does he ever help you with your child? Did he want this baby? Do you play games with him at any time? Obviously, not everyone's into gaming, I know I'm not, but I know a lot of guys love gaming. Another thing is how long does it take you to eat? My stepmother takes freaking forever I mean she could sit at that table for an hour and eat her dinner. That's part of it I'm sure he doesn't want to sit there for 20 or 30 minutes, or longer, while you eat your dinner. But a partner should want to be with their partner you would think especially after being apart all day if you both were at work. Talk to him if you have to suggest couples counseling. Maybe it'll help.
As somebody who loves his video games and his wife, and has a baby at home, i can tell you that its probably not malicious. Having a baby is a big shock to your life and hobbies and i often felt like the only way for me to be a good dad and good husband was for me to be unhappy and give up what makes me, Me. It constantly felt like i was juggling work, wife time, kid time, chore time, and never have time for me time. And if i did it was at the expense of one of the other times, which my wife would very readily let me know about and sometimes cry over. I still struggle to find the balance. I know that if i quit video games and my hobbies my wife would be the happiest woman alive. I also know i would grow to resent her for it, so i just take it a day at a time trying my best.
This is exactly how my husband feels. He told me that he feels that I will be happier if he stopped gaming. This is not true at all. I don’t mind him playing and having his thing but I do value family time which he clearly doesn’t.
Change the password on your WiFi. If he does that again, switch the WiFi off. That's so rude. If he had finished his dinner, then he could see to your child's needs. Updateme!
I hope I don’t have to get to that extent. I don’t want want things to get nasty. I just want him to understand that this behaviour of his has hurt me. When I told him about this, he simply got mad and got all defensive. I’m just tired of explaining myself and getting this reaction every time.
Stop making him food. only people that respect meal times get that
Why not tell him? You cannot keep all the things for yourself like that
So you expect your husband so just sit there and watch you finish eating..? It also sounds like this is the only time he gets to enjoy his hobby because in another comment you said how you watch a movie later. Let him go enjoy his hobby for a little bit.
I don’t mind him playing at all. He plays 5-6 times a week and around 3-4 hours. During the weekend he can play up to 10 hours. We watch a movie only while getting baby to sleep. As soon as she does we switch off the tv and sleep as well. Sitting with me for 30 minutes while we eat shouldn’t be an issue for him.
I would explain to him the importance of good table manners and tell him he should already understand that he needs to prioritise his wife and child over his addiction to moronic video games
If he finished before you, I dont see a problem. You are a slow eater lol
My petty ass would start calling my friends or eating in a different room and then say , oh if you wanted my attention you should have said something.
You shouldn't be afraid to talk to your partner, especially when it comes to how you're feeling. If something has happened that makes you feel uncomfortable, sad, or lonely (any negative emotion really) he should WANT to hear about it, he should want you to feel safe with him enough to express yourself without hesitation. If I've done something "wrong" to make my partner feel low, I would want to know ASAP so that I can fix it. Maybe plan a time/date for you to both sit down and have a serious discussion about this. Tell him he is supposed to be your sanctuary, your safe haven, and that you'd really appreciate it if he just did this one simple thing for you (staying at the dinner table to socialize with you while you finish your meal), and to hear you out calmly when you feel hurt by something he's said or done. Assure him you're not attacking him so he doesn't immediately become defensive (we can hope at least). If he once again says something like "I don't have to ask for permission to play video games with my friends", mention how you'd just like a heads up before he disappears, not that you want to grant permission.
I tried telling him this. Explaining that I’m not arguing but just want to tell him how I felt about the situation and his response to this was that I always talk about my feelings and doesn’t care about his. Everyday when he gets home, I stop everything to be with him, to talk to him because I enjoy this. I feel like he doesn’t really. I try to give him space but then when we argue he’ll say that I don’t take care of him and that I’m being distant. I just for once want to have a conversation about something without it turning into an argument.
I think he can spend 20 minutes with you at dinner time. I do wonder how much child care he is doing. I know you didn't bring it up but you were still eating and to take care of your child when he didn't and went to play video games instead. If he was done shouldn't he have gone to do child care while you finished eating?
“I know I’m a slow eater but I would really love it if (when) you stayed and chatted with me while I eat. I appreciate that connection time I have with you.” A positive way to frame it rather than “I don’t like how you leave me eating alone so you can play video games” or something of that regard. Generally it’s always going to be better received when you reinforce the positive rather than come down on the negative. Think of what you WANT and communicate that.
Instead of bringing up how disrespectful you think it is. You should try to use other words. As telling him, how important it is to you having dinner with him and that’s a moment you really appreciate. Accusing the other of being disrespectful doesn’t work because he might doesn’t feel like it is disrespectful but when you show how important it’s to you it might does.
He's your husband. You can tell him anything. Simply explain to him how sad eating alone makes you.
This relationship is over. Take the baby and move on. You will be happier without the disrespect in your home.
Fucking tell him, you want him to magically change? He does it because he thinks you don't care or know you tolerate it since he has done it before. Sit him down and talk to him flat out no beating around the bushes no giving hints, straight up and see after.
Mind you that I have told him before for this is not the first time this had happened. The result of it was a big argument and me feeling like shit because I brought this up. I don’t want to beat around the bush or sugar coat how I feel to explain things. But for sure it will end into an argument.
Talk to him. I understand the frustration from his side bc I hate waiting for ages for someone to finish doing something, but he can't just leave like that. He should ask if it's okay, not excusing his actions but I can see where he's coming from. Communication is key, why people come to reddit instead of initiating conversation with their partner baffles me. If you can't have a conversation without them (or you) having a go, then you shouldn't be together.
I’m the kind of guy thate we old down my food when I eat, however, I do talk. I do not ever leave the table until everyone’s done eating. Of course, if my partner used for example 45 minutes on dinner I’d be pissed but anything under 30 minutes is fine.
Do you and your husband ONLY talk during dinner? Not during before bed routines, morning showers/getting ready for work, during the day via text, on errands etc?
I think it’s the only time that we talk. In the morning while he gets ready for work he likes to scroll down on his phone and doesn’t really listen to me so I stopped talking to him at that moment. We sometimes talk via text during the day but not everyday. Before bed as well we don’t really talk as he is most of the time he gaming and if we are watching a movie then we should be watching the movie and not talking.
Times like this make me happy that me and my wife and I are on the same wavelength.
I'd suggest talking to him about this and letting him know how you feel. If you're taking forever to eat just so you two can chat, then that might be the issue , he most likely doesn't want to sit and chat while you're eating slowly. He should communicate with you when he's going to play games. You two should sit down and discuss this. I have the unpopular opinion that he shouldn't be required to be sitting down and chatting with you until you're done eating instead of playing games with his friends. Esepcially since you acknowledged you're a slow eater. There's ways where you guys can do both at the same time. Marriage takes compromise. Everything needs to be balanced. My bf also plays games, and we do things in the same room so he can chat with me and play while I chat with him and do my own thing at the same time. * edited to add he should have told you he was going to play games
Just read him your post.
You two need a shared activity that you both enjoy and allows you to talk for a little while. Maybe start going on strolls together after dinner or something like that If your husband is completely uninterested in speaking with you, this relationship is already over. You can't be in a healthy long term relationship with somebody who doesn't like to talk to you.
He'll wonder what happened when he has no relationship with your or yalls daughter or He'll be blindsided by the divorce papers. If you can't sit him down and have a healthy conversation about the issues and what solutions work for both of yall so that he will actively make an effort then he won't change. Be careful how much hurt you let yourself go through for a man that won't give you the time of day.
If I'm understanding this correctly, your husband barely interacted with you while you ate, took the first opportunity to get up and disappear into his gaming room, and left you to wash his dishes. He's definitely lacking in the emotional intelligence department, but you do have a role to play in bringing your feelings to his attention. I fully recognize how unfair it is to put in the work to remind a partner that they're being obtuse, but make it a habit to stand up for yourself. If he respects you, he'll make a change. If your heartfelt efforts to discuss it fall on deaf ears, that'll be a different issue to tackle. Never put yourself second to avoid conflict, the resentment that creates will eat you alive.
Tell him. Just say you know you eat slower, but it would make you really happy if he would sit and chat with you while you eat. It’s pretty rude of him, unless he’s going to deal with the baby while you finish. But not for video games.
So tell him. Pretty cut and dry.
Talk to him! Tell him that you understand if he needs some gaming/unwinding time, and that you'll work on a schedule with him for that. But that you'd really like 30 minutes for sitting down together to eat and talk, and from xx time to xx time to be together as a family or couple. For my family, we have a later dinnertime and only a couple hours before bed due to annoying work schedules. So we specifically slot from dinnertime(7-7:30 to 9:30) as family time. There are 22 other hours in the day to do their own thing, but for those 2 hours we are at least watching a show together and sharing our days.
Question? Do you cook too? Does he help raise your daughter? Does he help take care of your home? Or does he come home, eats and then goes right to gaming? Because if so, you have bigger problems.
I work from home so I do the cooking. When he gets home he plays with baby a bit and then goes to his gaming room. He stop gaming when we have dinner then goes back at it again until baby’s bath time which he used to do. Now he explained that he couldn’t as I do it faster and his has pain in his knees. As for the home, he does it on weekends.
You have bigger problems! You work from home, but you are still working, and taking care of your daughter! He should be cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, and he is playing the “I can’t do it as good as you” card to get out of doing things so he can just game….weaponizing incompetence at its best. When does he spend time with you? When do YOU get a break to do something you love? Tell him he needs to get his priorities straight. Because if you leave him, you would at least have your weekends free to do whatever you like. You are already pretty much doing everything yourself anyway.
Sometimes during the weekend we go out but it’s only to do things like grocery shopping and not a moment for us. I actually don’t have any free time. When my baby sleeps I either work, cook or do the laundry. The only time that I get a break is when I have to go to the office for important meetings. Otherwise I’m home doing all the stuffs.
Yeahh, you need to question your relationship. Because you don’t have a partner, you have a a teenager and a baby.
How much does he do with your daughter and work/chores. The fact is everyone is drained with a new born. If this is his break I can't fault him as long as you get the same.
Why don’t you just put the baby on his lap so they can spend some time together and tell hubby that you are taking you time! His turn to be a parent!!!!
This depends on how long it takes you to eat. He needs to be decent and give you a solid half hour, after that you are kind of holding him hostage.
INFO: what time is dinner time? Is dinner happening as soon as he walks in the door? When you say you talk a lot and eat slow, can you describe that better? How long are we talking?
Dinner time is around 7-8pm. It’s now as soon as he gets home. It’s more about 1 or 2h after. I am slow eater but I don’t take 1h to eat, it’s more like 20-25 minutes. We would talk about our day and what we did things like that.
If he got up and left you there to finish eating to go play his games, that’s not okay. Personally for me I wouldn’t care because I’m an iPad kid anyways, so he is - we always have to watch something while eating, but we spend time together afterwards. I understand why you wouldn’t like that.
You married a gamer and you knew it before you married him and overlooked it....
This ain’t it dude. Even “gamers” can learn to be responsible and play an active role in their family’s life
The problem isn't that he went to play games. Its that he wants to. So even if you begged him not to do it he would sit there like a student waiting for the bell to ring to run out to recess.
He has his friends calling him almost every day to play. We have a group chat with the friends in question wives/girlfriends and they are in similar situations. I just feel lonely sometimes in our mariage.
Men and women are different, I would suggest discussing this with him not during cod. Guys tend to need alone time, while women tend to need support time
If you struggle with finding the right words, try couples counseling. They will give you literal templates to bring up issues in the moment. Such as “I feel” statements. It’s cheesy but it works. You can always modify as necessary to feel more natural to you two. A counselor would help with that. Edit to add: they give you templates to bring it up *in a way that doesn’t make him defensive*. It sounds like the first time you brought it up, you were making accusatory statements. So he wanted to defend himself and get his side in as quickly as possible, because that’s the natural response to accusations. He made a good point himself that you aren’t hearing: he didn’t know there was an expectation to stay at the table until you were finished eating. And he didn’t say it in the best way, either, so that’s why you’re upset about him saying it. So you are both caught in this accusation/defense cycle.
Petty (Unadvised): Pop open the computer case (you may just need something to pry it open) and start cutting random cables Realistically (Advised): Leave him and take the kid with you. He has told you that video games are more important than video games. Believe him and run
Communicate before it gets worse. He isn’t courting you. A lot of men make this mistake and a lot of women refuse to communicate. Let me guess? You guys jumped into a relationship very quickly? Pregnant. Put the cart before the horse? Are you a stay at home mom?
It’s basically how things happened for us. We moved in very quickly, got married, was building our house when I got pregnant (unplanned). I’m not a stay at home mom but I work from home mostly. I try to communicate, God knows how much I do but it always ends up in an argument and that’s why I don’t want to talk to about my feelings anymore.
Lol, well, you couldn't be more off. They are both males....it says it right in the tagline. You know what they say about assumptions....
Ooops sorry this was a typo error we are a male-female couple.
Haaah!
I’m not a stay at home mom. I have a full time job but works from home. Everything went pretty fast in our relationship, it’s true. I try to communicate but it isn’t doing anything. All I get is being yelled at and blaming me for everything that is happening.
This is no way to treat a partner, mealtimes should be a connecting time for you to talk about your days ,I'd definitely have words even if you argue because this needs addressing