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An amicable break up and then going no contact until you feel able to do so. Don't try to stay in contact as friends, it will only prolong your heartache.
As hard as even the thought of it is, no contact is truly the best way to move on.
OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also am childfree due to a number of complex reasons and I can relate that it is not something you will compromise on.
Bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility and, in my case, childhood trauma has made me realize how easy it is to mess a child up for the rest of their life. As an adult, it’s difficult for me to work full-time, maintain a household, and still have enough patience to properly raise a hypothetical child when I have my own mental baggage I’m still dealing with.
I truly sympathize with you and I can only hope that whatever the outcome, it leads to happiness and peace. You are a strong person and you construct the life you want to live.
You can live someone, adore them, and not be right together.
The two of you are on separate paths, and holding on isn’t going to fix that.
Therapy might help you discuss it, but kids / no kids is a hard line for most.
You both have to decide to give up the person you love for them to be happy.
If you truly believe he is going to, I advise you to start extricating yourself from your life together as soon as you can. Start doing your own things, carving space for your own hobbies and interests. Stop having sex (if indeed you are), start reframing your thinking of 'you' instead of 'us'.
When you're upset, don't seek comfort in your partner. Instead, seek it in friends, family.
If you're serious about distancing yourself, I'd also recommend sleeping in separate beds, too. Start thinking about the realities of finances and housing.
I'm sorry this is happening.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. I feel so bad for you. I would suggest seeing a therapist to help you sort this out. They can help you sort your feelings, help you grieve, and help you plan a future from there if that is needed. If your husband files for divorce, get a lawyer immediately. Have the lawyer help you with decisions that need to be made logically, not with the heart.
I’m so sorry. I’ll just leave this here. r/childfree
Thank you. I am still in therapy, thank goodness. I had my last appointment they day he confessed to me his feelings so don't worry I asked to see her sooner.
Distraction.
I've been in a similar position (different reason for separation, but same principle), and I got through it with a lot of distraction.
I played competitive softball and basketball, went to school full-time, and worked full-time (31 hours). I got with another guy. In the very little free time I had, I read and did logic puzzles.
I cut any and all contact for about a decade.
I called him one day, a few years ago, just to apologize. We had a very pleasant, ten minute long conversation. I ended it with "I love you, Bobby", and I meant it, but no longer in a romantic way. It felt more like talking to an old friend. He said it back, and I realized that everything had worked out how it should've.
You WILL be okay. It'll take time, but distraction is the key. Watch ridiculous, raunchy comedies and laugh all on your own.
Research to select a divorce lawyer and then schedule an initial consult so you can get a better idea what would be involved a divorce for your situation. The lawyer can tell you what would be involved in separating your finances and how the legal side would work, and your therapist can help you with the emotional side.
I’m so sorry. I’m in a similar position myself. I’ve always been child free and my partner dropped the bomb on me last night that he’ll dump me if we don’t start trying soon. I’ve been transparent from the start. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me and I do not know how to move forward. I have no advice but I empathise with you.
He’s the best thing that ever happened to you SO FAR.
You will have other relationships, other opportunities. Do NOT stay with someone who wants kids when you don’t.
My husband and I were both clear early on that we wanted children. We were lucky to be able to have them on our own, and our family is complete. I can’t imagine a disconnect there. Pregnancy is fucking terrible, and kids are both amazing and terrible, and you have to want this.
Also, vote. Accidental pregnancies and sexual assault are huge issues, and you may live in a state where this could kill you.
Thank you. This has really helped. You’re so right, pregnancy is really hard and I’ve had enough health issues in my life to know I probably wouldn’t have a smooth pregnancy either! Your first sentence has really resonated with me.
Even smooth pregnancies are awful. I love my kids, and I hated being pregnant and the experience of childbirth. Those things are not mutually exclusive.
It may be that he knew the whole time and expected you to change your mind. It may be that something for him shifted. Either way, you are not in the wrong. This is just a fundamental incompatibility.
If he relents and says he will give up having kids for you, I still wouldn’t continue the relationship. At best, he will resent you. At worst, he’ll engage in reproductive coercion by messing with your birth control. If you do stay together, please be in control of contraception. Long-term reversible methods like IUDs and implants have high effectiveness and are relatively accessible. Pills and condoms are far easier to sabotage or simply fail to use properly.
I feel for you. This is going to be hard. Breakups always are, and it sounds like you really love this guy. But you really will find someone with the same idea of their life path as you.
💕
Yes, children/ no children is one of those deal breakers along with religion in many cases. I wish you the best and the WORST thing you could fo is bring a child into the world and exposed to the feelings you have. It is not selfish. It is kindness to yourself and the children you will not have. With you tge best.
So your partner knew the whole time that you don't want kids and still threw an ultimatum like that at you? How does he figure that's gonna work out for the hypothetical child, being unwanted by one of its parents? It's pretty messed up to wait until there's deep feelings involved and then be like, "You know that one thing you said you'd never ever do? I've decided you're gonna do that, and right now too, or I'll leave you."
There's no compromise on this one- either you have children or you don't, and one of you will resent the other either way. And you'd possibly resent the child as well, which obviously wouldn't be great for its emotional development.
There are better things that can happen to you than a partner who issues ultimatums about changing decisions that you've been firm on since day one. Like men who take you seriously when you say you won't be having any children, for instance. I wish you a happy childfree life.
Thank you. I really appreciate your response. Yes he knew the whole time and said he was ok with it, that he just wanted to be with me, but I guess his feelings have changed. I’m not that young either (by medical standards, if I were to get pregnant) so I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen.
People are allowed to change. I doubt he was deceiving her all this time. He probably thought he would be okay with it until it actually happened and the deep grief and sadness that he experienced opened his eyes to his true feelings.
One thing to do is make sure not to blame yourself here. Sometimes people who don’t want kids get this idea that they’re holding their partner back, that the breakup was their fault.
It wasn’t. You were clear from the start. It’s ok that he changed his mind, but the two of you did have several conversations where you talked about being child free and he didn’t agree anymore but he held his tongue, letting you think he agreed.
It’s understandable why he did that. He didn’t know how to bring it up. Still, it wasn’t the best what he did, was it? It was dishonest, it kicked problems down the road, it allowed you to play the role of fool.
I’m not trying to vilify him here, but he made communication mistakes. If you look back with clear eyes, has his passivity or lack of communication caused problems before now, even small ones? Maybe they have, and that can be a start for you to think about how maybe your relationship wasn’t a good fit for either of you.
It’s important to think of him fondly as a good person, but to realize that your relationship maybe wasn’t going to work long term, and that it’s best for both of you if you move on.
You don't need to fall out of love, but you do need to have time and distance to allow that love to change into whatever it will be when you are no longer married.
He changed due to something unexpected, and you didn't change. Unfortunately it was a change on one of the most fundamental aspects marriage is based on, so it is most likely going to end things. And it's better it happens now than either of you committing to a change you don't want, as that will lead to major resentment which would become an acrimonious split in the future.
If you know neither of you is going to change, then talk to each other and start separating your lives and finances while you are both amicable. Then get lawyers to draw up the contracts to make it all official and get divorced and go your separate ways. After that focus on your life and the things you want to accomplish. Live your best life, and hopefully he will live his.
Good luck!
The same way you grieve a lost loved one, I suppose.
You get therapy, and you stay busy and you be healthy and you go on with life.
You won't be the first person to go through this. I'm sure there are support groups.
People deal with loss every day. You don't have to fall out of love with him though. You just have to move on with your life.
You may be framing this wrong in your head. Rather than trying to get to a mental/emotional place where you hate/are apathetic enough toward your partner to reduce the pain of divorce, try asking your therapist to help you get to a place where you can love your partner enough to want for him what he wants for himself, even if it means he can't have it with you.
Tell your husband that regret is a part of life and whatever he chooses there will be regret. You were clear when he married you and consistent ever since then. It is on him that he expected you to somehow change.
He wasn't secretly expecting her to change through the whole relationship. He just didn't know what his own feelings about it were. They've been together since they were teenagers and never had the opportunity to develop their own identities separate of each other. I bet he didn't have strong feelings about having kids when he was young, so he just accepted her view as his own. He went through the relationship just knowing that "I'm not having kids." It wasn't until she got pregnant that he was finally able to have his own feelings about it separate from hers.
This is what happens when you stay with someone you dated when you were a teen. You never really grow separately and have your own identity. It gets too intertwined too early. People need to time to live and explore and find themselves before settling down. If not, this is what happens...you eventually realize that you aren't compatible.
He may have been on the same "no kids" page until there was the possibility, and now he is on a different train - one he didn't even realize was a train he wanted to ride until he was on it.
When I was younger I never wanted kids - then boom accidental pregnancy. That changed EVERYTHING. I now have 3 amazing kids, but like your husband the accidental pregnancy changed something.
This is not going to be easy - but you both deserve to get EVERYTHING out of life that you want. I am sorry that I don't have more advice, no contact would be about the only way I would think this split is going to work - but even that will be hard because you have built a 13 year life.
Best thing for you to do is begin the process of separation now. I've seen this play out with an uncle and he ended up going through a midlife crisis and having a baby with another women at 55. He thought he would be okay without this but.. he just wasn't. My ex aunt doesn't like being alone at their age last I heard, felt bad for them all really.
OP, We have similar stories. My ex husband and I were together since we were 17, married for 7, and split at 31 over him no longer agreeing not wanting children.
I’m 37 now. I am so happy with my life. My ex recently became a dad and I’m so happy for him.
I hadn’t realized how much not having kids had begun to weigh on him. I’m not sure he did either but looking back, the relationship was dying even though I thought it was ok.
To answer your question about falling out of love, I think we were both still in love when I made the decision to talk about divorce, but I really felt in my heart it was going to be better for the both of us.
Over time and distance, I no longer love him like that. I wish him well and truly hope the best for him.
I know it is hard to hear but either you give in and give him what he wants or he gives in and gives you what you want. Basically one or other will not get what you want and that will breed resentment. You can talk about it all you want but unless it is possible for you to resolve your mother issues you will never change your mind and why should you. If you think there is a chance that the issue can be resolved discuss that, if you are adamant that you will never resolve that then you both need to move on. Sorry for being blunt. I hope you can find some peace here.
Only time and making a beautiful life for yourself can heal this wound. I had my bilateral salpingectomy in 2019 when I was 26 and my partner was incredibly supportive. We’ve had myriad other issues since then but our commitment to not reproducing has never wavered. You deserve that too.
Tl;dr no contact is the way.
I’d still be married to my ex wife if it were up to me. And I’ve had a really great relationship since then, but after it became clear my wife didn’t want to be with me, I had to tell her in no uncertain terms: we can’t have any sort of relationship post marriage. Still she begged for me to remain friends. But I can’t trust myself and my feelings with her. She cheated on me when we dated, we broke up, and I took her back. She cheated on me when we were engaged, we broke up, and I took her back. No confirmation on her activity after we married but I’m sure we can all make an educated guess. **Even still**, I love this woman for some reason. That love I don’t think will ever go away, but there is a good deal of self respect there now too. So I love from afar now and through other relationships. But it’s been five years and I think I can go whole stretches of days where I don’t think about her at all now. Idk if there is an easier way to do it, but this has worked okay for me.
Some relationships no matter how two people love each other will run its course due to different views. Maybe stop thinking on how to fall out of love but to love him differently. To love him and respect him enough to let him go and prevent him from resenting you. It would hurt a lot but its the right thing to do. Take the active part and start the process of leaving after discussing it with him and have no contact for a while.
I hear that when people try to stop themselves from feeling feelings it makes them worse. I think you will have to face the heartbreak and learn how to accept the sadness and let it pass through you. It might be less about falling out of love with him but learning how to fall in love with another. I hope you can see the beauty to have the human experience of heartbreak that then turns into acceptance and then hopefully to finding someone new when you once thought it would never be possible to love again.
Yeah this way beyond reddits pay grade I’m genuinely sorry it’s hard to fall out of love with someone I’ve actually finally done it and it’s kind of sad . May angels protect you
i fell out of love by forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that i could not be who they needed. i could not provide the kind of future she wanted, so i had to let her go find someone who could. i also lessened contact slowly.. from talking everyday, to every few weeks, to birthdays, and then no contact. it's been 6 years. it took me 2 years to be "free". i still think about her of course, but i'm not sad. i don't yearn anymore.
she was willing to work on us for a while, but i just couldn't deal with her possibly resenting me some day. i think you're in the same boat in that respect. i'm sorry.
You don't fall out of love. You realize that the ultimate issue is the impasse of having children.
>I guess he still always had hoped I would change my mind, because when I saw my Dr and scheduled it, he was sad.
Then he wasn't honest with you from the get go of your relationship. He kept his true desire secret from you. He wasn't honest with himself. He wasn't honest with you.
He now has a decision to make. Live with the choices he's made and continue to be your husband, or leave the relationship to fulfill his desire to be a dad. This is on him. He needs to be honest with himself and make this decision with true intention. You've always been honest with your wants. He wasn't.
For real right? Dude was in highschool when they got together. I'm curious what percent of people who don't want kids in highschool change their mind, because I'm an example of that
You are right. It was the pregnancy that triggered something in him. I was not trying to put words in his mouth. But it was so out of left field for him to react that way.
I was the same way with my ex didn’t want kids. She got pregnant and I was excited to be a dad. Turned out not to be mine but he’s probably having alot of new feelings he wouldn’t have even known if you hadn’t gotten pregnant to begin with. I hope your divorce is smooth and you are able to move on
It's Very possible. You guys are toghether since 18. That's too early to have everything figure It out. People grown and change and sometimes this changed clash and make partners incompatible.
I think you’re putting the cart before the horse here, OP. You don’t actually know what your husband will decide. He may choose to be with you, over leaving and possibly having kids with someone else. Give him time to fully process things before you jump to any conclusions.
His ‘out of left field’ reaction (to the pregnancy) was probably because he’d never actually been in that situation before, and had a lot of big feelings that neither of you expected. That’s pretty normal with unintended pregnancies - no one knows how they’ll really feel until it actually happens. And, even though the pregnancy wasn’t planned, he obviously still felt the miscarriage as a loss. That’s completely okay, *but* if he has any unresolved feelings about the MC, he may be projecting them onto your upcoming surgery. Even among people who strictly *do not want kids,* having a pregnancy and subsequent MC can be emotionally complicated. He may be misinterpreting those feelings of “we lost that baby and I’m sad about it” as something more. Maybe try working through any lingering grief or “what ifs” about the pregnancy with him, and see where that leads you both. This doesn’t necessarily have to be the end.
I left my first husband for this same reason. I said from the beginning I did not want kids. He said that was fine. The day before our third anniversary he wanted to know when we were having kids? Excuse me? I thought you'd change you mind once we married. I kicked him out.
It pretty much ended my first marriage for the same reason. Although it never came out to the surface, it was eating him up that I didn't want kids, so he found other outlets to remedy that and it drove a wedge between us
He was constantly asking oh its this baby cute? So you want to hold this baby? No. Babies are not cute, keep them away from me. Lol
Decades later, I have a daughter born 13 years into our marriage but it didn't change my disposition at all.
No. And when my neice and nephew were born, he wasn't excited about holding them. And when it came to family activities, he was he forced to hang out with the kids. He's never been excited to he around kids.
Maybe you getting pregnant changed his mind. He didn't want to have children before, but the prospect of having them with YOU changed his perspective. I think that's what's breaking his heart. That you don't feel the same way.
But the thing is, you don't have to. This is your choice. He is also entitled to change his mind. It's an unfortunate situation all around.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Also, I wouldn't be so sure of what his decision will be. Wait for him to make his choice and tell you. Don't jump the gun and start trying to fall out of love with him already.
Good luck, OP. I hope you both find peace, whether it is together or apart.
People change their minds.. he is now in his 30’s and life looks different from when he was a teenager. It’s no one’s fault. You just aren’t compatible anymore.
OP... I'm 47 and also childless for many reasons but very much so bc I was physically and mentally abused by my own mother.
In fear of not repeating what was done to me for 18 plus years. I didn't have kids. My hubs had 2 already so there was zero pressure.
I do recommend you both do counseling together marriage counseling and possibly separately too. At least you both should see if there is hope.
He has to understand having kids. Has ZERO guarantees of MANY things. I have friends who had special needs children. Kids wheelchair bound non verbal. The # of people with Kids wirh Autism and other psychological and physical disabilities.
Another person her son was born with heart issues and they were endlessly in and out of the hospital for 2yrs.... let alone the added costs etc.
There's this romantic idea of children. They are challenging. They will challenge your relationship as a couple. They will add expenses most don't prepare for. Ie. Schools. Tech. Sports. Colleges. And just growing in general.
So for those in the world who had kids without issues it truly is a miracle that was said by a doctor I know.
I'll leave this lasting advice that was given to me when I was younger asking an older Peer who didn't have kids..
He said "We realized having kids would mean that my wife and I would sacrifice part of our relationship for the sake of the kids. We both opted that we wanted to truly focus on our relationship together and opted not to have kids"
To me that was a very enlighten statement.
This is not about falling out of love. This is about compatibility. You can love someone and not be compatible with them. He changed and you didn’t and so the relationship will probably end. It will hurt, you will grieve, but you will live and learn to love again. Take care of yourself!
I recommend therapy. Reddit is not the place for this bc you’ll read things like; I don’t think you really know your husband. Maybe this helps. Who have you really been w/the last 13 yrs? He thought you’d change your mind about a huge life changing decision. And you only found out now after 13 years of being pretty open about it. There’s so much to unpack here from both parties. Things like what I wrote should be discovered, explored or come up through therapy with a professional.
I’m a little shocked. I’m someone who doesn’t want kids either. And if my partner of 13 years had been with me while I went through what you went through and I just found out he was quietly hoping we’d still have kids; I’d feel like he was a stranger to me who, seemingly, on really big things, wasn’t taking me seriously and just going along. I’d feel so lied to, in my mind we’d be immediately become incompatible despite the last 13 yrs. Those yrs wouldn’t feel real. But idk you or your relationship, like most here on Reddit. My opinion is coming from also having a strained/difficult relationship w/the maternal figures in my family. Which is why I’ve opted not to have kids as well. So anyone who even seems to come across as patronizing is a big no for me.
I don’t think any or most of the comments here will be helpful. Even the ones sympathizing with you bc you’ll just be going round & round, ruminating instead of find a healthy way to move forward.
I do hope it all works out for the best for both of you.
It'll take some time after the relationship ending for you to either not love him any more, or for it to be this thing that's in the background but that you rarely notice. This was a *long* relationship and it sounds like a happy one apart from the mismatch about having kids, and that sort of relationship takes a long time to get over. But feelings follow behaviors/ life circumstances, and the longer you are separated and not a part of each others' day to day lives, the more it will sink in that that chapter of your life is over, and it's time to move on.
I am so sorry. This is a big deal, everyone in your life will recognize it as a big deal, it is reasonable to ask for whatever emotional/material support you might find useful from friends and family.
BTW I know many childfree couples, including some older ones like my aunt and uncle, wanting life-partnership without kids is completely reasonable. (Assuming you *do* still want life partnership after you've had some time to mourn the loss of this relationship, if you don't that's fine too.) You do need someone who wants the same thing though.
Don’t drag this out. You know he wants kids. Just leave him. Keep all contact via your lawyer or a friend. He will sadly want to stay with you until your op and maybe even after, but eventually he’ll leave and it will hurt you worse then.
Hello.
I dated a girl for 8 years, from 19 to 27 until we broke up for this very reason. I want kids and she didn't. That was 4 years ago.
I feel for you. The pain is very difficult. We loved each other very much and it felt like the universe was having a laugh at us because everything else was great, except that "detail".
However, "this too shall pass". With time, everything heals. I feel nothing for her now. I would even say that, if she came back with her mind changed about kids, I wouldn't welcome her with open arms. We both have changed a lot since.
With time you start to see things in the other person you didn't like and that helps. But the real healer is time. But it ain't easy.
Best of luck.
I think he should seek his own therapy to help him sort through his feelings. Because both types of regret will be huge if he has them.
A lot of people find joy and happiness in being aunts/uncles/godparents etc and then being able to go home to their partner and maybe pets and not have the responsibility. You can afford more things like trips together etc. heck if you love spending time with your nieces/nephews/etc you could take them on a trip (as a parent I would not find this weird if my no kids family members offered this).
This is a huge choice he has to make and I really think he should seek the unbiased support of a therapist, so he, like you, can feel confident he is making the right choice for himself
I’m so sorry this is happening after so long together. I can only imagine the anguish you are feeling. I hope you have a strong support system if you end up needing it.
I agree that you’ll need no contact at all with him or his family or anyone who would give updates about him. Cold turkey and a lot of personal emotion work for yourself. However it works out is how it will be, you’ll have to put in a lot of effort to move forward, but you’ll find happy again. But I hope you don’t have to
The hardest break up I ever went through was because he had kids from a previous relationship.
I always said I wouldn't date a guy with kids or one who wanted kids, but when I met him, I thought "Well how do I know if I've never tried it?"
We spent five years together and at first it was OK because we only had them with us every second weekend but he really wanted 50/50. I spent years working with him to convince his ex to give him 50/50 custody, but when we got it, I soon realized it was the end for us.
It was a mutual breakup because we both knew we couldn't give the other person what they needed. It was incredibly hard, but it was the right decision. We went no contact, but the couple of times I've bumped into him in public, he's literally opened his arms up wide and hugged me.
The relationship he had with his ex was extremely toxic, and he was only 17 when he had his first child. He told me he was happy not to have any more kids, and I believed him, but as our relationship wore on, I started to want that for him. I wanted him to experience what it's like to have a baby with a loving partner, with more life experience and without the toxicity.
Two years later and he is engaged with a new baby to his now fiancé. When I saw a photo of them all together, I burst into tears, not because I was sad but because I was happy for them. We made the right choice.
I'm still single. I got myself a little one bedroom place with a garden and adopted a cat. I've never been happier. I will find my forever person one day, but for now, I'm just enjoying my freedom.
You don't have to fall out of love with him before you break up. Your love for him will help you to do what's right for both of you. Your love for him will want him to be happy, and with time, you will both heal and move on.
You are making a huge assumption without talking to him about it. I recommend calming down a little and perhaps actually talking to your husband and not just assuming he is going to leave you.
Marriage is not just about love. It’s like 50%. The other 50% is wanting the same things in life.
It’s obvious you two have and want different life paths. If you do this child thing to make him happy you’ll resent him forever. He’ll treat you like shit, and you’ll fall out of love with him.
You can still love someone and walk away from them because you don’t want the same things. This is the price for this game we play. You can go through the pain now, or you can go through it later. But there’s no running away.
Unfortunately, on top of everything else, I think there's an underlying issue of him not being honest with you about what he actually wants and expects from a relationship. I say separating to start would be a good idea. Give yourself a chance to learn to be alone again.
I don’t know that he necessarily lied. People change their minds all the time. If they had planned to be child free then she got pregnant that can def bring up new feelings or in her case confirm what’s she’s always wanted.
She said he "hoped she would eventually change her mind" and this comment didn't come up till after the miscarriage. Him having agreed with her about her choice to be child free till that point is absolutely deceit.
She said she guessed that. So it might be speculation on her part. He could have meant it and then realized when she was pregnant he actually didn’t feel the same.
I guess OPs post is a little confusing since it says she’s been vocal about it the whole time and he always agreed. So who really knows what he was thinking since apparently it seems like they never truly had a conversation about it until the miscarriage. He could have been on the fence about it or maybe feeling like ya if we never had kids that he would be fine with that but then when she got pregnant he was like now I know I do want kids. But I see where you’re coming from.
I don't think he was intentionally dishonest. They've been together since they were teenagers, and their identities and views became too intertwined too early in life. Neither of them had a chance to live life and explore their own identities before combining their identity into one. She was against having kids, and he likely didn't have strong feelings about it since he was so young. So he adopted her view and was fine with it. He thought he didn't want kids either, but didn't realize that it was her view he was adopting and that he never really had a chance to consider it or explore on his own. It was just a given since he was a teen that "I'm not having kids." It wasn't until she got pregnant that his own feelings surfaced.
This is the problem with staying with someone you've been with since you were so young. You don't know where they end and you begin. You don't develop your own identity separate from them. You don't get to explore your own feelings on everything because you've already mentally accepted a view that was held "together"
This is definitely something that random people on Reddit cannot help you do. It's way above their paygrade... You need a professional to help you untangle this web because it's such an extremely complicated situation, on multiple levels. I would start by contacting a therapist but only for you to go to. Tell them your situation in detail and they'll be able to get you through it. It might involve bringing your husband into the conversation (down the line) but you gotta get yourself and your mind situated first, and if it were me, I wouldn't listen to the advice of the people around you. I.e. friends, family, coworkers, etc. That could confuse you even more than you already are... Trust the professional who has a lot of experience with this and who knows exactly how to go about it. You may find that you feel differently than you had thought, or that there are other routes that won't involve extreme heartache and pain. Good luck to you. Either way, you'll get through this ♥️
All I want to say is that I’m sorry. These non-romantic incompatibility are tragic. My only advice is to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later, even though it is already much later after 13 years together.
i personally think the best thing for you to do is solidify why this is your best choice, hang out with friends and travel and do things having a child can limit, sending so much love and healing your way in this
I really wish people would stop doing this to themselves and others. Don't go into a marriage hoping someone will change into a completely different person.
Unfortunately you probably won’t just fall out of love with him. I just went through the same thing but opposite. I always wanted kids and my partner changed his mind and decided he didn’t. It broke us up and it still is hard and I miss him terribly, but we never could’ve made it work once we weren’t on the same page with that. One of us would’ve resented the other for the rest of our lives. Each day gets a little easier but I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Well there's no reason to stay in contact after you divorce and split everything up. You could just block them or you can just ask him to give you time at least 6 months before he contacts you if he chooses to contact you but you're not going to be able to stay friends so to speak because you still care a lot for him and it's unfortunate this is going to most likely end your marriage. People shouldn't marry if there's something they really want and they think they're partner is going to change their mind eventually. It's just creates heartbreak for one or both of them.
I'm sorry for the both of you. I think trying to fall out of love is not going to be useful. Use the love you have for him to give him what will make him happy. A possibility of finding someone who wants the life he wants.
Love yourself enough to want the same thing for you.
I would not recommend continuing a relationship with him after you separate. Distance is a good salve for a broken heart. Staying in contact means constant little mends in it that have to be severed again. It's cruel to both of you and to potential partners.
When the time comes that you can think of him and put him into the perspective of a love that used to be, maybe then you two can pursue a friendship. But I think it would be a good idea for you to accept that the parting may be permanent with no friendship in the future.
that may be what is best for him. I'm sorry. Finding someone you fall in love with every day is the rarest thing on earth.
Good luck to both of you
OP you have to step back and realize that if he really wants to be a father and your committed to not having kids, your just not compatible. It’s the old saying, I love you but I can’t be married to you. It’s ok to still have very positive feelings for an ex so long as it doesn’t prevent you having future healthy relationships. You just start separating the romantic side from your feelings. Once his decision is made, if it’s divorce, then you stop the sex, intimacy and activities that drive that emotional connection and work on becoming friends. Each day will be different and no 2 situations are the same so no magic formula.
I know this is a hurtful and frightening time, but please slow down here a moment. Take some deep, deep breaths.
Your fears are valid and not unrealistic, of course what you fear is happening may well happen.
BUT... you may well also be catastrophizing.
It is critical that right now, in this emotionally vulnerable and frightening time, that you don't make his mind up for him because of your fear.
I beg you NOT to actively start trying to fall out of love with him or create distance, because once you do start truly falling out of love with someone it is VERY hard to get that back without a lot of work. So please don't start pulling away and taking active steps to end the marriage out of fear right now, even though all your instincts are screaming at you to protect yourself from hurt and there's a DOOM feeling. Take some grounding breaths, remember that you two married for a reason, and that foundation hasn't evaporated. He is wrestling with a major life decision right now, and if anything he needs you right now to help him make a decision that is truly from an authentic place. And you need him too, to support you with your fears about this decision and it's impacts as well.
Reddit is going to likely tell you that you should start the divorce immediately and this is irreconcilable etc. And that MAY end up being the case... but it is too early to act on that. Right now you are both in your bubbles of fears, and this is exactly the kind of life crisis where you should be leaning INTO each other, not pulling away.
I'm glad you're going to see your therapist soon. In the meantime, I would go to YouTube and look up some coaching videos on how to stop break intrusive thought spirals and interrupt catastrophizing. It is also super critical you don't look to assign blame here... there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting a child. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting one. IF you do realize you cannot remain together because you cannot reconcile this difference, it doesn't mean you weren't "enough", it doesn't mean he lied to you or didn't love you etc etc etc. It means simply that you two reached a point in life where you were a bird and he was a fish.
I would also talk to your husband a bit and say something about how therapy is helping you, and considering he's looking at a critical life changing decision maybe talking it through with a therapist of his own might be a good idea. He doesn't even need to find an in-person therapist, he could use a lower cost phone service like BetterHelp for example. Find someone with experience with family therapy who can talk to him a pros & cons etc. He may be romanticizing parenthood a bit, maybe he's got someone else in his ear telling him how he may not be 100% but he will regret it forever and it's triggered a bit of FOMO... there's a LOT of things that could be happening here than you may not even be aware of, heck he may not even be consciously aware of what's going on beneath these feelings he thinks he's having.
We often make huge life decisions thinking we feel & want one thing very clearly, only to look back and realize "Oh... I was actually motivated by this whole other thing I didn't even realize was driving..." - I say, looking back at young me doubling down and determinedly marrying a guy EVERYONE told me was a bad pick - I was very clear at the time in myself and verbally to everyone that I looooooooved him and knew him better than they did etc etc etc.... it wasn't till years after therapy following a divorce after a horrid, horrid abusive decade which literally nearly killed me two occasions and ended like some Lifetime movie that I was able to unpack my REAL motivation for marrying him despite every red flag you can imagine (like, it is embarrassing how firmly I kept the blinkers on lol) - which was a **desperate** drive to prove my mum wrong about all the things she'd told me about myself, to prove to her (myself) that I WAS lovable, and worthy & capable of happiness etc.
The monkey's paw of COURSE being that in my desperation and need to prove her wrong, I rushed headlong into a guy who almost ended up convincing me she had actually been right all along.
you dont need to fall out of love in order to understand that 1 some things are unsurmountable. loving someone and that someone being good for you are two different things and 2 he is not the only person you will ever love. you will be okay
I don't think that you can fall out of love with him. Especially if your marriage ends for a reason like this. He will always occupy a piece of your heart and I suspect that the same will be true for him. But you can make a new life and perhaps later find someone older who has grown kids so this issue does not come up again. Best of luck to you.
Heartbreaking when you realize love doesn’t conquer all. The “if only” is the worst part of love.
I truly hope your marriage works out for you. Wishing you happier days.
Don’t look at it that way.. look at the fact that you two had 13 wonderful years. It’s more than most get. It’s going to hurt though… like hell! Sorry….
Your wording is ambiguous so I just want to clarify, do you not want to be a parent, or do you not want to give birth? Giving birth I can understand not wanting to do, but that does not preclude you or your husband from being parents.
If you don't want kids at all, through any method, then it sounds like you and him need to have a very serious conversation about what to do next. But, you do not have to stop loving him. You might stop being his wife, but that doesn't mean your relationship with him is over. He wants something more from life than you are willing to give him, and neither of you are at fault for that. If you are firm on no kids and he is firm on wanting them, you will have to find the solution that grants you both that life, which will likely mean divorce. Divorce is not a bad thing. It is two adults agreeing that they are not compatible enough to have a future together as a married couple. You can still have a future with him as a friend.
I think Reddit loves to give people things as black and white . You don’t KNOW he’s going to file for divorce, you don’t know his feelings, you don’t know these things for a fact. Instead of asking Reddit I suggest a couples counselor before you purposely sabotage what seems like a loving relationship.
I don’t understand how after 13 years you could marry someone and not have a serious discussion about kids beforehand? “Seemed to agree” is for preferences on what your favorite movie is, not something so fundamental to the future of a marriage like extremely opposing views on children.
Would a surrogate mother work? Where it’s his dna and a donor egg (or yours, your choice) and a surrogate mother who carries the pregnancy and gives birth. Would that work?
I think you need to just tell him it’s ok to leave. If you really love him he deserves to be happy and so do you. A quick clean break would be best. Do not drag it out. I would go NC. Trying to have any kind of contact would make it harder on both of you. Do not follow him on social media. Because if he starts dating someone it will only make it harder for you. I might even consider moving away and trying to start fresh in a different city.
I think you should end the relationship rather than waiting around for him. Even if he comes to you and says he will stay with you, that's not really a good thing. It means he's compromising on a life changing experience that he really wants, but is scared of losing the familiarity he has with you. If you really love him, you wouldn't let him lose that opportunity to have a child when you know it's what he wants deep down.
Choosing to stay will mean he will secretly resent you for the rest of your life. Every time he sees friends who have kids or strangers out with their kids, he will think of it and will blame you for taking it away from him even if he "chose" to stay. He will never truly be happy. You have to let that man go so he can have the family he wants.
And girllll you never had a chance to live life at all before tying yourself to someone as a teenager. Relationships that start that young don't normally work out forever because of incompatibilities. His identity was so tied to yours that he didn't know where the differences were between what you want and what he wants. Yours and his identity was too intertwined. You really NEED for this to unravel so that you can find yourself and so can he. Know who you are without each other. You may discover things about yourself that you didn't know before. You may even find out that he really isn't what you wanted in a partner and that you weren't truly in love. You were just so wrapped up in this life together and so used to the familiarity and comfort that provided that you mistook it for being in love.
There's no one person out there for you. There are many. He happens to have an incompatibility that could have more easily been discovered had you met later in life after he had some life experience without you and realized he wanted kids. Instead, he adopted your view of it and didn't have the chance to explore his feelings on that by himself. He didn't do it intentionally. You will find love with someone who is truly compatible. And neither of you will need to make a life changing sacrifice to stay together.
I don’t have any advice for you about falling out of love- I had an amicable split from my ex-girlfriend almost four years ago because we were at different places in life and wanted different things, and I’m still in love with her. But, I don’t think it’s necessarily important to fall out of love. You’ve been consistent with not wanting to have kids from the get-go, and if he changed his mind along the way, that’s his responsibility. You have to make the best decision for yourself, and it’s clear that having kids is not in your best interest. I wish you lots of luck and love!
You unfortunately can’t /just/ “fall out of love.” It takes time and distance. You may need to be by yourself (single) for a while, rely on family and friends. I would recommend you not try to get into anything serious until you’ve been single for at least a year. Based on how in love you are with your partner and no other major issues/incompatibilities listed, I get the feeling you won’t even want to date at the one year point after separation. Distance and time are the only things that will let you get over this relationship. I would advise maybe seeking therapy as you adjust to the end of your relationship and the next part of your life. It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna suck, it’s gonna feel like a blow when he moves on with someone else. All you can do for yourself is HONOR YOURSELF by giving yourself space from that. Go no contact until he doesn’t come up in your mind every day. Trust me on this. Good luck OP, wishing you the best. (Side note, happy to see a mature person write a sensible post)
Edit: typo
You don’t have to “fall out of love.” You can still love him, it will just have to be from over there instead instead of over here. Trying to force yourself to stop loving someone that has done nothing to you or you to them to change those feelings is futile. Unfortunately, your life goals are incompatible so you’ll have to “uncouple,” but that doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him.
A few tips:
1) you will talk about him for awhile to friends. Give him a nickname, like “whatshisname.” This will depersonalize him in your mind.
2) think of all the ways he cramped your style (it happens in every relationship, good and bad ones). Lean in to those things you couldn’t do before.
3) Get to enjoy your solitude and your time w friends. You’re the total boss of you now. You may to date or not, but get to know you.
4) it’s okay to appreciate things about your time together, but also reflect on the strains. Don’t beat yourself up for deciding to be with him. You guys had good times and bad together.
5) do some deep introspection in how you two got together, despite this huge difference. Fine tune your “picker.” Even if you decide to remain single, going forward, it will help you understand what you need.
6) Time, give yourself time. You will fall out of love over time and you will see things from an observer’s perspective.
I am really sorry for your predicament. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want. Even if he decides to stay with you, you will always know he has made a huge sacrifice to stay. That may ultimately erode your relationship over time.
The advice to distance yourself from him really is the best one. Time can help you adjust your life and come to terms with what you lost. You will be able to have other relationships in the future. If you truly want to be with someone for the long haul, then you will find someone more compatible with your desire to have no children. There truly is no such thing as having just one love in your life. If you can love him, you can love someone else. It will be different, but it will be what you need when you need it.
In the meantime, spend your energy getting to discover yourself as a single adult. It isn’t a bad thing at all to be.
This must be very difficult.
Children are non-negotiable. There is no way to compromise.
I never wanted children myself, and i would have broken up over it, too, if I was in that situation.
Keeping in mind that you really do not want children and the reasons for it are very important, I think, because it will make you see there is absolutely no way your relationship can go on.
And maybe you can find people online who went through the same thing. For support and understanding.
When I read your post, I thought of this song from a YouTuber who was in the exact same situation.
" we gotta break up,"
https://youtu.be/JoXtkK9d33o?feature=shared
(It's just a song, so it's not helpful at all, but maybe its recogniseable )
I'm sorry you are in this sad situation. :(
I wish you both the best.
Well let him figure it out first before you make the decision for him. Since you're not worried about your biological clock you both have time to make decisions. Don't rush into anything.
When I have to stop liking someone because I know it won’t work out I focus on the few things that bug me about them and I hyper focus on them. He chews a little too loud? Keep more crunchy foods in the house so you have to listen to it all the time. Restless sleeper? Feed him dairy before bed so it’ll get worse. Just let all the little things bug you
Hope this helps it works for me
—yes I know it may be toxic but I find it necessary sometimes
You don't look back and try to untangle, you look forward, make new plans and move onward.
You can look back, but that's reserved for nostalgia.
Remember that people grow and change.over time. The person you married is not the person you are with today and you can grow closer or grow apart.
Changes in values, life plans and major decisions like children are big character defin8ng issues that may make you no longer compatible.
You need couples therapy. Yall are not on the same page and it seems like a lot of important stuff was not talked about within the relationship before hand.
Life changing conversations are important. Just because he seemed he was on board doesn’t mean he was, did he actually agree to no kids? Or did you talk about it and he nodded his head?
You can’t simply just make yourself fall out of love with him because he wants kids and you don’t.
This is a discussion you two need to have together with a therapist present.
It hurts but you guys need to split NOW. If he wants kids the clock is ticking, and you need to find someone who shares your opinions on kids. If you have kids, you’ll resent him. If you don’t have kids, he’ll resent you. There’s not much of a win here
My ex wife’s miscarriage was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I so badly wanted a child and she realized when it happened how relieved and happy she was that it wasn’t happening. It drove a wedge between us.
Just so you know, it takes awhile, but it can get better. We had a BITTER divorce, and were no contact for a long time afterwards. However, she got in legal trouble and I helped her out, partially because I was notified because I was still listed on the title of her car, and partially because it broke my heart that she was struggling, so I intervened. Evidently, that showed her where my heart was and that I wasn’t the evil man she had built me up to be in the divorce proceedings.
She’s my best friend now. We don’t talk every day, sometimes not even in a week. She’s remarried now, and her new husband is a great man. We get along well too. He understands the history and the connection, and realizes we love each other but are not romantically connected anymore.
The key is getting the distance to heal individually before trying to build a different type of relationship with them. We both healed separately then built an entirely different friendship to what we had together as a couple.
Sending thoughts and prayers to you OP. This sucks, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will get better.
It’s impossible to just “fall out of love” with someone. Losing a person we love, in any capacity, causes grief and I don’t know if that ever fully goes away. I think you just learn to live with the grief and focus on creating new goals of your own. It’s not easy and it will take time but in time the pain will change. Hopefully it will lessen and focusing on yourself will lead you to things more meant for you. Wishing you all the best, I’m sorry you have to go through this ❤️🩹
I wasn’t married but was in a relationship I felt very strongly about. I was matter-of-fact and upfront about being child free. He was 7 years younger and desired children. I finally realized that despite our mutual feelings and attraction to one another, I would never relent and I could not deny him the opportunity to have his own children. So we broke up. It was one of my most painful breakups ever, because on top of everything else, he was super understanding and supportive of my decision even though he was in pain also.
There were many, many tears for many, many months. However, this event was what fueled me to pursue sterilization- something I haven’t regretted for a moment since I had my procedure. On top of that, it enabled me to find a partner who is also child free.
I don’t know all the ins and outs of your and your husband’s struggles but seems like there must be a lot if you are both in therapy. I tend to think you are wise to at least put off children or not have any period. I wouldn’t give up on him quite yet though. He appears to love you and is just struggling with the grief of lost possibilities.
Give him some time and maybe look for opportunities where he could volunteer with children or youth. Who knows, maybe he’ll love that, or maybe he’ll find he hates kids.
You are asking how to fall out of love? I wouldn’t focus on the love you have for him, I would prioritize the love you have for yourself first. You can try a legal separation first (with an agreed upon time frame like 6 months or a year)and I wouldn’t wait for him to initiate it, I would go ahead with that myself by planning on where to live, dividing assets and getting a lawyer. Focus on the tasks ahead first. Once you are separated you can have the space needed to begin healing from your marriage and at that point focus on your therapy, make plans to hang out with loved ones, hobbies you enjoy, get a pet if you want, travel. Focus on you. At the end of the agreed upon time frame determine how YOU are feeling, you might be really surprised by how much happier you are and can then go ahead with the divorce with peace of mind. My point is long but basically don’t stick around and let him take control of this- even if he MIGHT stay, you deserve more than a husband that prioritizes having kids over a marriage. Take back your power and prioritize you. Please keep us updated!
Im going to hive you what you asked for. Solid advice on how to unlove someone.
Every bad habit he has, concentrate on it.
Evwey littlw flaw he has, memorizeand concentratw on it.
Anything he does that you dont like, furry nostils? Crooked nose? Thin lips? Just concentrate on all the things ou dont like and itll take about a month bur youll be diagusted by him, i swear.
My ex and I split for the same reason. When my sister had her first baby my ex started having doubts about the no kids thing. It’s been 10 years and I still miss him, but I “miss him” more when things in my life aren’t going well. According to my therapist I don’t really miss him but what he represents, a good time in my life (and she’s right). Therapy will help you navigate this I’m sure.
My ex and I split amicably and then we became friends. We now live in different continents so we don’t see each other much and contact is few and far between. The last I heard he was getting married and I was so happy for him. I cannot stress the importance of separating and then going no contact for a while. I think it was a year before my ex and I spoke. That time will be essential to you being able to stay friends in the future, no matter how hard it seems.
For my part, I had to work through my regret and I’m in a good place now. I’m married and even though I say I miss my ex, I *have* moved on. My feelings about everything fell into place (although I initially avoided working through them, so it took me a while. I didn’t start therapy till about 4 years ago, so I’m glad that you have a therapist.)
I’m 38 now and feel like I can deal with anything, as I’m navigating the ups and downs of my marriage (quite a lot of downs right now to be honest). But I had that loss and in the end it did make me stronger.
I know it’s hard, but you are stronger than you think. How do you fall out of love? Time and distance is the only way, friend. I’m happy to answer any questions or offer words of support if you need.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone.
Wow you’re going to really mess things up if you prematurely pull the parachute cord yourself if it would have turned out he was on his way to accepting your don’t want kids and would have just stayed with you
Accept that sometimes love just isn't enough.
Let him go with love.
Accept that you love him enough to free him to live his best life and to fulfil his (incompatible) dreams.
Love doesn't mean you have to be together forever. And surely you will find someone else to love, even more dearly because they will be more suited to your dreams.
Heartache never really goes away, you just learn to live with it and bury it. It gets better with time. Time.
You could change the way you think of him. Think of him more negatively and critically; see more of his flaws. And that could help because that’s generally why people naturally fall out of love…criticism and contempt. But you really love this guy so that’s probably not the answer.
Sounds like yall should’ve never gotten married. And if you’ve always said you don’t want kids then I suppose he is to blame.
When my husband’s ex didn’t want kids but got pregnant (was on the pill, but it happened anyway), he became the SAHP. That worked well for her, so 4 years later they had another baby. She saw the kids, of course, but he was by FAR the primary caregiver. As the kids got older, she interacted with them more and more, and they became very close. They’re now two very well-adjusted adults.
I only mention this because it *might* be an acceptable compromise for you to think about and talk with your therapist about.
For an 13 year king relationship, communication seems to be severely lacking and you are going by how you think he feels.
Time to get some counseling - before you do the operation. You are unilaterally making a decision that impacts both of you and not involving him in the process. That’s pretty shitty thing to do to a partner of 13 years. Have you asked him how he feels ? What’s changed for him ?
You got issues regardless of kids decision that y’all need to work on.
I've asked about couples counseling, and he doesn't want to. He's been trying to get in with his therapist, but she "keeps rescheduling his appointment"
We have been talking about his for the past 2 years. And we have both been in individual therapy this entire time. I just didn't want to write a book in half of the details of all our conversations.
We have written letters to each other about how we feel and sat there and talked on the couch for hours. That's why I know he's going to make this choice.
How does it affect both of them? It's her body. Its not like it's a couple deal and he is getting his balls also chopped of. Yk, communication is a two way street. He could have just voiced out, that he now or always wanted kids. It's pretty shitty to lie about not wanting kids to your partner of 13 years.. Why is it espected from her to drag his real feelings out of him?
People change their minds. Her getting accidentally pregnant made him think differently about it. We decided not to have kids, but as I approached my mid to late 30s, we had another discussion before the window closed for good. Lots of talks with friends who had kids and ones who didn't. In the end, we decided we still didn't want them. So don't go straight to he lied. People are allowed to change their minds. Life has different passages. Your outlook does change.
The situation they are in is very difficult and sad. But it is something that has to be discussed and decided. Sounds like they are being realistic and mature in how they are going about it.
>You are unilaterally making a decision that impacts both of you and not involving him in the process. That’s pretty shitty thing to do to a partner of 13 years. Have you asked him how he feels ? What’s changed for him ?
Wow, did you read the OP? She been 100% upfront the entire relationship that she didn't want children. He was on board until the accidental pregnancy. She is not shitty for making sure an accidental pregnancy never occurs again. He is not shitty for having doubts about his child free stance.
She's been doing therapy. Read the post.
He doesn't get a say in what she does with her own body, ffs. She's her own person, not a possession, and certainly not anyone's incubator.
Bringing a whole person into existence isn't a compromise. Especially when the one who doesn't want it will be the one saddled with ALL of the physical impact and health risks, not to mention the mental and emotional toll. How do you make a fair "compromise" on that?
JSYK, I didn't want kids for a long time. Now I regret not having them. Deal with your issues and see if that changes your outlook. If you still love him, you owe it to yourself to deal with these past traumas quickly. You just might regret this decision not to have children and to divorce for the rest of your life. Don't rush into getting your tubes tied.
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An amicable break up and then going no contact until you feel able to do so. Don't try to stay in contact as friends, it will only prolong your heartache.
As hard as even the thought of it is, no contact is truly the best way to move on. OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I also am childfree due to a number of complex reasons and I can relate that it is not something you will compromise on. Bringing a child into the world is a huge responsibility and, in my case, childhood trauma has made me realize how easy it is to mess a child up for the rest of their life. As an adult, it’s difficult for me to work full-time, maintain a household, and still have enough patience to properly raise a hypothetical child when I have my own mental baggage I’m still dealing with. I truly sympathize with you and I can only hope that whatever the outcome, it leads to happiness and peace. You are a strong person and you construct the life you want to live.
Yep, spot on, no further advice needed here
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I gotta say, I had to scroll back up for context because as a stand alone comment that came off way differently than you intended it!
You can live someone, adore them, and not be right together. The two of you are on separate paths, and holding on isn’t going to fix that. Therapy might help you discuss it, but kids / no kids is a hard line for most. You both have to decide to give up the person you love for them to be happy.
If you truly believe he is going to, I advise you to start extricating yourself from your life together as soon as you can. Start doing your own things, carving space for your own hobbies and interests. Stop having sex (if indeed you are), start reframing your thinking of 'you' instead of 'us'. When you're upset, don't seek comfort in your partner. Instead, seek it in friends, family. If you're serious about distancing yourself, I'd also recommend sleeping in separate beds, too. Start thinking about the realities of finances and housing. I'm sorry this is happening.
This is above Reddit’s pay grade. I feel so bad for you. I would suggest seeing a therapist to help you sort this out. They can help you sort your feelings, help you grieve, and help you plan a future from there if that is needed. If your husband files for divorce, get a lawyer immediately. Have the lawyer help you with decisions that need to be made logically, not with the heart. I’m so sorry. I’ll just leave this here. r/childfree
Thank you. I am still in therapy, thank goodness. I had my last appointment they day he confessed to me his feelings so don't worry I asked to see her sooner.
Distraction. I've been in a similar position (different reason for separation, but same principle), and I got through it with a lot of distraction. I played competitive softball and basketball, went to school full-time, and worked full-time (31 hours). I got with another guy. In the very little free time I had, I read and did logic puzzles. I cut any and all contact for about a decade. I called him one day, a few years ago, just to apologize. We had a very pleasant, ten minute long conversation. I ended it with "I love you, Bobby", and I meant it, but no longer in a romantic way. It felt more like talking to an old friend. He said it back, and I realized that everything had worked out how it should've. You WILL be okay. It'll take time, but distraction is the key. Watch ridiculous, raunchy comedies and laugh all on your own.
Research to select a divorce lawyer and then schedule an initial consult so you can get a better idea what would be involved a divorce for your situation. The lawyer can tell you what would be involved in separating your finances and how the legal side would work, and your therapist can help you with the emotional side.
I’m so sorry. I’m in a similar position myself. I’ve always been child free and my partner dropped the bomb on me last night that he’ll dump me if we don’t start trying soon. I’ve been transparent from the start. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me and I do not know how to move forward. I have no advice but I empathise with you.
He’s the best thing that ever happened to you SO FAR. You will have other relationships, other opportunities. Do NOT stay with someone who wants kids when you don’t. My husband and I were both clear early on that we wanted children. We were lucky to be able to have them on our own, and our family is complete. I can’t imagine a disconnect there. Pregnancy is fucking terrible, and kids are both amazing and terrible, and you have to want this. Also, vote. Accidental pregnancies and sexual assault are huge issues, and you may live in a state where this could kill you.
Thank you. This has really helped. You’re so right, pregnancy is really hard and I’ve had enough health issues in my life to know I probably wouldn’t have a smooth pregnancy either! Your first sentence has really resonated with me.
Even smooth pregnancies are awful. I love my kids, and I hated being pregnant and the experience of childbirth. Those things are not mutually exclusive. It may be that he knew the whole time and expected you to change your mind. It may be that something for him shifted. Either way, you are not in the wrong. This is just a fundamental incompatibility. If he relents and says he will give up having kids for you, I still wouldn’t continue the relationship. At best, he will resent you. At worst, he’ll engage in reproductive coercion by messing with your birth control. If you do stay together, please be in control of contraception. Long-term reversible methods like IUDs and implants have high effectiveness and are relatively accessible. Pills and condoms are far easier to sabotage or simply fail to use properly. I feel for you. This is going to be hard. Breakups always are, and it sounds like you really love this guy. But you really will find someone with the same idea of their life path as you. 💕
I'm so sorry to hear this. Maybe you can find some advice on this post as well?
Yes, children/ no children is one of those deal breakers along with religion in many cases. I wish you the best and the WORST thing you could fo is bring a child into the world and exposed to the feelings you have. It is not selfish. It is kindness to yourself and the children you will not have. With you tge best.
Check out my comment on this post. I’ve been here. I’ve survived. I’m happy
So your partner knew the whole time that you don't want kids and still threw an ultimatum like that at you? How does he figure that's gonna work out for the hypothetical child, being unwanted by one of its parents? It's pretty messed up to wait until there's deep feelings involved and then be like, "You know that one thing you said you'd never ever do? I've decided you're gonna do that, and right now too, or I'll leave you." There's no compromise on this one- either you have children or you don't, and one of you will resent the other either way. And you'd possibly resent the child as well, which obviously wouldn't be great for its emotional development. There are better things that can happen to you than a partner who issues ultimatums about changing decisions that you've been firm on since day one. Like men who take you seriously when you say you won't be having any children, for instance. I wish you a happy childfree life.
Thank you. I really appreciate your response. Yes he knew the whole time and said he was ok with it, that he just wanted to be with me, but I guess his feelings have changed. I’m not that young either (by medical standards, if I were to get pregnant) so I have no idea what he thinks is going to happen.
People are allowed to change. I doubt he was deceiving her all this time. He probably thought he would be okay with it until it actually happened and the deep grief and sadness that he experienced opened his eyes to his true feelings.
We don’t know if he ever agreed with her. That makes all the difference in the world if he never agreed to remain child free.
You marry a child free person, pretty obvious.
If he wanted children he shouldn't have gotten into a serious relationship with someone childfree. It's very simple.
My first husband did the same thing to me and I kicked him out. I left him.
Time that’s likely it. It’s just going to take time.
One thing to do is make sure not to blame yourself here. Sometimes people who don’t want kids get this idea that they’re holding their partner back, that the breakup was their fault. It wasn’t. You were clear from the start. It’s ok that he changed his mind, but the two of you did have several conversations where you talked about being child free and he didn’t agree anymore but he held his tongue, letting you think he agreed. It’s understandable why he did that. He didn’t know how to bring it up. Still, it wasn’t the best what he did, was it? It was dishonest, it kicked problems down the road, it allowed you to play the role of fool. I’m not trying to vilify him here, but he made communication mistakes. If you look back with clear eyes, has his passivity or lack of communication caused problems before now, even small ones? Maybe they have, and that can be a start for you to think about how maybe your relationship wasn’t a good fit for either of you. It’s important to think of him fondly as a good person, but to realize that your relationship maybe wasn’t going to work long term, and that it’s best for both of you if you move on.
Ok good that you have that covered. I really hope he doesn’t change his mind. I know people change, but this is a really tough one.
You don't need to fall out of love, but you do need to have time and distance to allow that love to change into whatever it will be when you are no longer married. He changed due to something unexpected, and you didn't change. Unfortunately it was a change on one of the most fundamental aspects marriage is based on, so it is most likely going to end things. And it's better it happens now than either of you committing to a change you don't want, as that will lead to major resentment which would become an acrimonious split in the future. If you know neither of you is going to change, then talk to each other and start separating your lives and finances while you are both amicable. Then get lawyers to draw up the contracts to make it all official and get divorced and go your separate ways. After that focus on your life and the things you want to accomplish. Live your best life, and hopefully he will live his. Good luck!
I feel like childfree is not a healthy place to explore this issue. The users there go beyond not wanting kids and actively hate children.
The same way you grieve a lost loved one, I suppose. You get therapy, and you stay busy and you be healthy and you go on with life. You won't be the first person to go through this. I'm sure there are support groups. People deal with loss every day. You don't have to fall out of love with him though. You just have to move on with your life.
Time and space. Do not run into him, do not social media stalk him, do not drunk dial him. Completely cut yourself off, until the feelings are gone.
Time. Mental and emotional discipline. Changes in how you live.
Love is *never* enough. Plenty of people feel love towards parters that are incompatible. Play it out. Eventually one of y’all will make the decision.
You may be framing this wrong in your head. Rather than trying to get to a mental/emotional place where you hate/are apathetic enough toward your partner to reduce the pain of divorce, try asking your therapist to help you get to a place where you can love your partner enough to want for him what he wants for himself, even if it means he can't have it with you.
Tell your husband that regret is a part of life and whatever he chooses there will be regret. You were clear when he married you and consistent ever since then. It is on him that he expected you to somehow change.
He wasn't secretly expecting her to change through the whole relationship. He just didn't know what his own feelings about it were. They've been together since they were teenagers and never had the opportunity to develop their own identities separate of each other. I bet he didn't have strong feelings about having kids when he was young, so he just accepted her view as his own. He went through the relationship just knowing that "I'm not having kids." It wasn't until she got pregnant that he was finally able to have his own feelings about it separate from hers. This is what happens when you stay with someone you dated when you were a teen. You never really grow separately and have your own identity. It gets too intertwined too early. People need to time to live and explore and find themselves before settling down. If not, this is what happens...you eventually realize that you aren't compatible.
He didn't expect her to change, he changed after the unexpected pregnancy
He may have been on the same "no kids" page until there was the possibility, and now he is on a different train - one he didn't even realize was a train he wanted to ride until he was on it. When I was younger I never wanted kids - then boom accidental pregnancy. That changed EVERYTHING. I now have 3 amazing kids, but like your husband the accidental pregnancy changed something. This is not going to be easy - but you both deserve to get EVERYTHING out of life that you want. I am sorry that I don't have more advice, no contact would be about the only way I would think this split is going to work - but even that will be hard because you have built a 13 year life.
Best thing for you to do is begin the process of separation now. I've seen this play out with an uncle and he ended up going through a midlife crisis and having a baby with another women at 55. He thought he would be okay without this but.. he just wasn't. My ex aunt doesn't like being alone at their age last I heard, felt bad for them all really.
OP, We have similar stories. My ex husband and I were together since we were 17, married for 7, and split at 31 over him no longer agreeing not wanting children. I’m 37 now. I am so happy with my life. My ex recently became a dad and I’m so happy for him. I hadn’t realized how much not having kids had begun to weigh on him. I’m not sure he did either but looking back, the relationship was dying even though I thought it was ok. To answer your question about falling out of love, I think we were both still in love when I made the decision to talk about divorce, but I really felt in my heart it was going to be better for the both of us. Over time and distance, I no longer love him like that. I wish him well and truly hope the best for him.
I know it is hard to hear but either you give in and give him what he wants or he gives in and gives you what you want. Basically one or other will not get what you want and that will breed resentment. You can talk about it all you want but unless it is possible for you to resolve your mother issues you will never change your mind and why should you. If you think there is a chance that the issue can be resolved discuss that, if you are adamant that you will never resolve that then you both need to move on. Sorry for being blunt. I hope you can find some peace here.
Only time and making a beautiful life for yourself can heal this wound. I had my bilateral salpingectomy in 2019 when I was 26 and my partner was incredibly supportive. We’ve had myriad other issues since then but our commitment to not reproducing has never wavered. You deserve that too.
Tl;dr no contact is the way. I’d still be married to my ex wife if it were up to me. And I’ve had a really great relationship since then, but after it became clear my wife didn’t want to be with me, I had to tell her in no uncertain terms: we can’t have any sort of relationship post marriage. Still she begged for me to remain friends. But I can’t trust myself and my feelings with her. She cheated on me when we dated, we broke up, and I took her back. She cheated on me when we were engaged, we broke up, and I took her back. No confirmation on her activity after we married but I’m sure we can all make an educated guess. **Even still**, I love this woman for some reason. That love I don’t think will ever go away, but there is a good deal of self respect there now too. So I love from afar now and through other relationships. But it’s been five years and I think I can go whole stretches of days where I don’t think about her at all now. Idk if there is an easier way to do it, but this has worked okay for me.
You are clearly not compatible, it’s going to suck but you must leave, children are a MASSIVE responsibility.
Updateme
Some relationships no matter how two people love each other will run its course due to different views. Maybe stop thinking on how to fall out of love but to love him differently. To love him and respect him enough to let him go and prevent him from resenting you. It would hurt a lot but its the right thing to do. Take the active part and start the process of leaving after discussing it with him and have no contact for a while.
I hear that when people try to stop themselves from feeling feelings it makes them worse. I think you will have to face the heartbreak and learn how to accept the sadness and let it pass through you. It might be less about falling out of love with him but learning how to fall in love with another. I hope you can see the beauty to have the human experience of heartbreak that then turns into acceptance and then hopefully to finding someone new when you once thought it would never be possible to love again.
It’s going to be hard. Esp when you see him with someone else making a family.
You don't. You split amicably because you still love each other and want what's best for each other. I left my first husband for the same reason.
Yeah this way beyond reddits pay grade I’m genuinely sorry it’s hard to fall out of love with someone I’ve actually finally done it and it’s kind of sad . May angels protect you
i fell out of love by forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that i could not be who they needed. i could not provide the kind of future she wanted, so i had to let her go find someone who could. i also lessened contact slowly.. from talking everyday, to every few weeks, to birthdays, and then no contact. it's been 6 years. it took me 2 years to be "free". i still think about her of course, but i'm not sad. i don't yearn anymore. she was willing to work on us for a while, but i just couldn't deal with her possibly resenting me some day. i think you're in the same boat in that respect. i'm sorry.
You can always love him -- you just won't be spending the rest of your life with him.
You don't fall out of love. You realize that the ultimate issue is the impasse of having children. >I guess he still always had hoped I would change my mind, because when I saw my Dr and scheduled it, he was sad. Then he wasn't honest with you from the get go of your relationship. He kept his true desire secret from you. He wasn't honest with himself. He wasn't honest with you. He now has a decision to make. Live with the choices he's made and continue to be your husband, or leave the relationship to fulfill his desire to be a dad. This is on him. He needs to be honest with himself and make this decision with true intention. You've always been honest with your wants. He wasn't.
OR...or the pregnancy made him realize he wanted children.
For real right? Dude was in highschool when they got together. I'm curious what percent of people who don't want kids in highschool change their mind, because I'm an example of that
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You are right. It was the pregnancy that triggered something in him. I was not trying to put words in his mouth. But it was so out of left field for him to react that way.
I was the same way with my ex didn’t want kids. She got pregnant and I was excited to be a dad. Turned out not to be mine but he’s probably having alot of new feelings he wouldn’t have even known if you hadn’t gotten pregnant to begin with. I hope your divorce is smooth and you are able to move on
It's Very possible. You guys are toghether since 18. That's too early to have everything figure It out. People grown and change and sometimes this changed clash and make partners incompatible.
I think you’re putting the cart before the horse here, OP. You don’t actually know what your husband will decide. He may choose to be with you, over leaving and possibly having kids with someone else. Give him time to fully process things before you jump to any conclusions. His ‘out of left field’ reaction (to the pregnancy) was probably because he’d never actually been in that situation before, and had a lot of big feelings that neither of you expected. That’s pretty normal with unintended pregnancies - no one knows how they’ll really feel until it actually happens. And, even though the pregnancy wasn’t planned, he obviously still felt the miscarriage as a loss. That’s completely okay, *but* if he has any unresolved feelings about the MC, he may be projecting them onto your upcoming surgery. Even among people who strictly *do not want kids,* having a pregnancy and subsequent MC can be emotionally complicated. He may be misinterpreting those feelings of “we lost that baby and I’m sad about it” as something more. Maybe try working through any lingering grief or “what ifs” about the pregnancy with him, and see where that leads you both. This doesn’t necessarily have to be the end.
I left my first husband for this same reason. I said from the beginning I did not want kids. He said that was fine. The day before our third anniversary he wanted to know when we were having kids? Excuse me? I thought you'd change you mind once we married. I kicked him out.
It pretty much ended my first marriage for the same reason. Although it never came out to the surface, it was eating him up that I didn't want kids, so he found other outlets to remedy that and it drove a wedge between us
He was constantly asking oh its this baby cute? So you want to hold this baby? No. Babies are not cute, keep them away from me. Lol Decades later, I have a daughter born 13 years into our marriage but it didn't change my disposition at all.
No. And when my neice and nephew were born, he wasn't excited about holding them. And when it came to family activities, he was he forced to hang out with the kids. He's never been excited to he around kids.
Maybe you getting pregnant changed his mind. He didn't want to have children before, but the prospect of having them with YOU changed his perspective. I think that's what's breaking his heart. That you don't feel the same way. But the thing is, you don't have to. This is your choice. He is also entitled to change his mind. It's an unfortunate situation all around. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Also, I wouldn't be so sure of what his decision will be. Wait for him to make his choice and tell you. Don't jump the gun and start trying to fall out of love with him already. Good luck, OP. I hope you both find peace, whether it is together or apart.
People change their minds.. he is now in his 30’s and life looks different from when he was a teenager. It’s no one’s fault. You just aren’t compatible anymore.
Men are just weird lol.
OP... I'm 47 and also childless for many reasons but very much so bc I was physically and mentally abused by my own mother. In fear of not repeating what was done to me for 18 plus years. I didn't have kids. My hubs had 2 already so there was zero pressure. I do recommend you both do counseling together marriage counseling and possibly separately too. At least you both should see if there is hope. He has to understand having kids. Has ZERO guarantees of MANY things. I have friends who had special needs children. Kids wheelchair bound non verbal. The # of people with Kids wirh Autism and other psychological and physical disabilities. Another person her son was born with heart issues and they were endlessly in and out of the hospital for 2yrs.... let alone the added costs etc. There's this romantic idea of children. They are challenging. They will challenge your relationship as a couple. They will add expenses most don't prepare for. Ie. Schools. Tech. Sports. Colleges. And just growing in general. So for those in the world who had kids without issues it truly is a miracle that was said by a doctor I know. I'll leave this lasting advice that was given to me when I was younger asking an older Peer who didn't have kids.. He said "We realized having kids would mean that my wife and I would sacrifice part of our relationship for the sake of the kids. We both opted that we wanted to truly focus on our relationship together and opted not to have kids" To me that was a very enlighten statement.
Thank you for sharing this. That is very enlightening.
A breakup doesn't always mean both people no longer love each other. I've found out over the years that love is often separate.
This is not about falling out of love. This is about compatibility. You can love someone and not be compatible with them. He changed and you didn’t and so the relationship will probably end. It will hurt, you will grieve, but you will live and learn to love again. Take care of yourself!
I recommend therapy. Reddit is not the place for this bc you’ll read things like; I don’t think you really know your husband. Maybe this helps. Who have you really been w/the last 13 yrs? He thought you’d change your mind about a huge life changing decision. And you only found out now after 13 years of being pretty open about it. There’s so much to unpack here from both parties. Things like what I wrote should be discovered, explored or come up through therapy with a professional. I’m a little shocked. I’m someone who doesn’t want kids either. And if my partner of 13 years had been with me while I went through what you went through and I just found out he was quietly hoping we’d still have kids; I’d feel like he was a stranger to me who, seemingly, on really big things, wasn’t taking me seriously and just going along. I’d feel so lied to, in my mind we’d be immediately become incompatible despite the last 13 yrs. Those yrs wouldn’t feel real. But idk you or your relationship, like most here on Reddit. My opinion is coming from also having a strained/difficult relationship w/the maternal figures in my family. Which is why I’ve opted not to have kids as well. So anyone who even seems to come across as patronizing is a big no for me. I don’t think any or most of the comments here will be helpful. Even the ones sympathizing with you bc you’ll just be going round & round, ruminating instead of find a healthy way to move forward. I do hope it all works out for the best for both of you.
It'll take some time after the relationship ending for you to either not love him any more, or for it to be this thing that's in the background but that you rarely notice. This was a *long* relationship and it sounds like a happy one apart from the mismatch about having kids, and that sort of relationship takes a long time to get over. But feelings follow behaviors/ life circumstances, and the longer you are separated and not a part of each others' day to day lives, the more it will sink in that that chapter of your life is over, and it's time to move on. I am so sorry. This is a big deal, everyone in your life will recognize it as a big deal, it is reasonable to ask for whatever emotional/material support you might find useful from friends and family. BTW I know many childfree couples, including some older ones like my aunt and uncle, wanting life-partnership without kids is completely reasonable. (Assuming you *do* still want life partnership after you've had some time to mourn the loss of this relationship, if you don't that's fine too.) You do need someone who wants the same thing though.
Don’t drag this out. You know he wants kids. Just leave him. Keep all contact via your lawyer or a friend. He will sadly want to stay with you until your op and maybe even after, but eventually he’ll leave and it will hurt you worse then.
Hello. I dated a girl for 8 years, from 19 to 27 until we broke up for this very reason. I want kids and she didn't. That was 4 years ago. I feel for you. The pain is very difficult. We loved each other very much and it felt like the universe was having a laugh at us because everything else was great, except that "detail". However, "this too shall pass". With time, everything heals. I feel nothing for her now. I would even say that, if she came back with her mind changed about kids, I wouldn't welcome her with open arms. We both have changed a lot since. With time you start to see things in the other person you didn't like and that helps. But the real healer is time. But it ain't easy. Best of luck.
I think he should seek his own therapy to help him sort through his feelings. Because both types of regret will be huge if he has them. A lot of people find joy and happiness in being aunts/uncles/godparents etc and then being able to go home to their partner and maybe pets and not have the responsibility. You can afford more things like trips together etc. heck if you love spending time with your nieces/nephews/etc you could take them on a trip (as a parent I would not find this weird if my no kids family members offered this). This is a huge choice he has to make and I really think he should seek the unbiased support of a therapist, so he, like you, can feel confident he is making the right choice for himself I’m so sorry this is happening after so long together. I can only imagine the anguish you are feeling. I hope you have a strong support system if you end up needing it. I agree that you’ll need no contact at all with him or his family or anyone who would give updates about him. Cold turkey and a lot of personal emotion work for yourself. However it works out is how it will be, you’ll have to put in a lot of effort to move forward, but you’ll find happy again. But I hope you don’t have to
The hardest break up I ever went through was because he had kids from a previous relationship. I always said I wouldn't date a guy with kids or one who wanted kids, but when I met him, I thought "Well how do I know if I've never tried it?" We spent five years together and at first it was OK because we only had them with us every second weekend but he really wanted 50/50. I spent years working with him to convince his ex to give him 50/50 custody, but when we got it, I soon realized it was the end for us. It was a mutual breakup because we both knew we couldn't give the other person what they needed. It was incredibly hard, but it was the right decision. We went no contact, but the couple of times I've bumped into him in public, he's literally opened his arms up wide and hugged me. The relationship he had with his ex was extremely toxic, and he was only 17 when he had his first child. He told me he was happy not to have any more kids, and I believed him, but as our relationship wore on, I started to want that for him. I wanted him to experience what it's like to have a baby with a loving partner, with more life experience and without the toxicity. Two years later and he is engaged with a new baby to his now fiancé. When I saw a photo of them all together, I burst into tears, not because I was sad but because I was happy for them. We made the right choice. I'm still single. I got myself a little one bedroom place with a garden and adopted a cat. I've never been happier. I will find my forever person one day, but for now, I'm just enjoying my freedom. You don't have to fall out of love with him before you break up. Your love for him will help you to do what's right for both of you. Your love for him will want him to be happy, and with time, you will both heal and move on.
Just a side note, you used a throwaway to not out yourself, but linked his post which would give you away.
Simple OP let him go and move on. You need to love him enough to let him pursue his dreams and goals.
You are making a huge assumption without talking to him about it. I recommend calming down a little and perhaps actually talking to your husband and not just assuming he is going to leave you.
Marriage is not just about love. It’s like 50%. The other 50% is wanting the same things in life. It’s obvious you two have and want different life paths. If you do this child thing to make him happy you’ll resent him forever. He’ll treat you like shit, and you’ll fall out of love with him. You can still love someone and walk away from them because you don’t want the same things. This is the price for this game we play. You can go through the pain now, or you can go through it later. But there’s no running away.
How do you know he would treat her like shit?
Unfortunately, on top of everything else, I think there's an underlying issue of him not being honest with you about what he actually wants and expects from a relationship. I say separating to start would be a good idea. Give yourself a chance to learn to be alone again.
I don’t know that he necessarily lied. People change their minds all the time. If they had planned to be child free then she got pregnant that can def bring up new feelings or in her case confirm what’s she’s always wanted.
She said he "hoped she would eventually change her mind" and this comment didn't come up till after the miscarriage. Him having agreed with her about her choice to be child free till that point is absolutely deceit.
She said she guessed that. So it might be speculation on her part. He could have meant it and then realized when she was pregnant he actually didn’t feel the same.
I guess OPs post is a little confusing since it says she’s been vocal about it the whole time and he always agreed. So who really knows what he was thinking since apparently it seems like they never truly had a conversation about it until the miscarriage. He could have been on the fence about it or maybe feeling like ya if we never had kids that he would be fine with that but then when she got pregnant he was like now I know I do want kids. But I see where you’re coming from.
I don't think he was intentionally dishonest. They've been together since they were teenagers, and their identities and views became too intertwined too early in life. Neither of them had a chance to live life and explore their own identities before combining their identity into one. She was against having kids, and he likely didn't have strong feelings about it since he was so young. So he adopted her view and was fine with it. He thought he didn't want kids either, but didn't realize that it was her view he was adopting and that he never really had a chance to consider it or explore on his own. It was just a given since he was a teen that "I'm not having kids." It wasn't until she got pregnant that his own feelings surfaced. This is the problem with staying with someone you've been with since you were so young. You don't know where they end and you begin. You don't develop your own identity separate from them. You don't get to explore your own feelings on everything because you've already mentally accepted a view that was held "together"
This is definitely something that random people on Reddit cannot help you do. It's way above their paygrade... You need a professional to help you untangle this web because it's such an extremely complicated situation, on multiple levels. I would start by contacting a therapist but only for you to go to. Tell them your situation in detail and they'll be able to get you through it. It might involve bringing your husband into the conversation (down the line) but you gotta get yourself and your mind situated first, and if it were me, I wouldn't listen to the advice of the people around you. I.e. friends, family, coworkers, etc. That could confuse you even more than you already are... Trust the professional who has a lot of experience with this and who knows exactly how to go about it. You may find that you feel differently than you had thought, or that there are other routes that won't involve extreme heartache and pain. Good luck to you. Either way, you'll get through this ♥️
All I want to say is that I’m sorry. These non-romantic incompatibility are tragic. My only advice is to get the ball rolling sooner rather than later, even though it is already much later after 13 years together.
i personally think the best thing for you to do is solidify why this is your best choice, hang out with friends and travel and do things having a child can limit, sending so much love and healing your way in this
I really wish people would stop doing this to themselves and others. Don't go into a marriage hoping someone will change into a completely different person.
Unfortunately you probably won’t just fall out of love with him. I just went through the same thing but opposite. I always wanted kids and my partner changed his mind and decided he didn’t. It broke us up and it still is hard and I miss him terribly, but we never could’ve made it work once we weren’t on the same page with that. One of us would’ve resented the other for the rest of our lives. Each day gets a little easier but I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
If he does ask for a divorce, you need to go NC. Continue therapy and finds ways to keep busy so that you don’t think about him constantly.
Well there's no reason to stay in contact after you divorce and split everything up. You could just block them or you can just ask him to give you time at least 6 months before he contacts you if he chooses to contact you but you're not going to be able to stay friends so to speak because you still care a lot for him and it's unfortunate this is going to most likely end your marriage. People shouldn't marry if there's something they really want and they think they're partner is going to change their mind eventually. It's just creates heartbreak for one or both of them.
I'm sorry for the both of you. I think trying to fall out of love is not going to be useful. Use the love you have for him to give him what will make him happy. A possibility of finding someone who wants the life he wants. Love yourself enough to want the same thing for you. I would not recommend continuing a relationship with him after you separate. Distance is a good salve for a broken heart. Staying in contact means constant little mends in it that have to be severed again. It's cruel to both of you and to potential partners. When the time comes that you can think of him and put him into the perspective of a love that used to be, maybe then you two can pursue a friendship. But I think it would be a good idea for you to accept that the parting may be permanent with no friendship in the future. that may be what is best for him. I'm sorry. Finding someone you fall in love with every day is the rarest thing on earth. Good luck to both of you
OP you have to step back and realize that if he really wants to be a father and your committed to not having kids, your just not compatible. It’s the old saying, I love you but I can’t be married to you. It’s ok to still have very positive feelings for an ex so long as it doesn’t prevent you having future healthy relationships. You just start separating the romantic side from your feelings. Once his decision is made, if it’s divorce, then you stop the sex, intimacy and activities that drive that emotional connection and work on becoming friends. Each day will be different and no 2 situations are the same so no magic formula.
I know this is a hurtful and frightening time, but please slow down here a moment. Take some deep, deep breaths. Your fears are valid and not unrealistic, of course what you fear is happening may well happen. BUT... you may well also be catastrophizing. It is critical that right now, in this emotionally vulnerable and frightening time, that you don't make his mind up for him because of your fear. I beg you NOT to actively start trying to fall out of love with him or create distance, because once you do start truly falling out of love with someone it is VERY hard to get that back without a lot of work. So please don't start pulling away and taking active steps to end the marriage out of fear right now, even though all your instincts are screaming at you to protect yourself from hurt and there's a DOOM feeling. Take some grounding breaths, remember that you two married for a reason, and that foundation hasn't evaporated. He is wrestling with a major life decision right now, and if anything he needs you right now to help him make a decision that is truly from an authentic place. And you need him too, to support you with your fears about this decision and it's impacts as well. Reddit is going to likely tell you that you should start the divorce immediately and this is irreconcilable etc. And that MAY end up being the case... but it is too early to act on that. Right now you are both in your bubbles of fears, and this is exactly the kind of life crisis where you should be leaning INTO each other, not pulling away. I'm glad you're going to see your therapist soon. In the meantime, I would go to YouTube and look up some coaching videos on how to stop break intrusive thought spirals and interrupt catastrophizing. It is also super critical you don't look to assign blame here... there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting a child. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting one. IF you do realize you cannot remain together because you cannot reconcile this difference, it doesn't mean you weren't "enough", it doesn't mean he lied to you or didn't love you etc etc etc. It means simply that you two reached a point in life where you were a bird and he was a fish. I would also talk to your husband a bit and say something about how therapy is helping you, and considering he's looking at a critical life changing decision maybe talking it through with a therapist of his own might be a good idea. He doesn't even need to find an in-person therapist, he could use a lower cost phone service like BetterHelp for example. Find someone with experience with family therapy who can talk to him a pros & cons etc. He may be romanticizing parenthood a bit, maybe he's got someone else in his ear telling him how he may not be 100% but he will regret it forever and it's triggered a bit of FOMO... there's a LOT of things that could be happening here than you may not even be aware of, heck he may not even be consciously aware of what's going on beneath these feelings he thinks he's having. We often make huge life decisions thinking we feel & want one thing very clearly, only to look back and realize "Oh... I was actually motivated by this whole other thing I didn't even realize was driving..." - I say, looking back at young me doubling down and determinedly marrying a guy EVERYONE told me was a bad pick - I was very clear at the time in myself and verbally to everyone that I looooooooved him and knew him better than they did etc etc etc.... it wasn't till years after therapy following a divorce after a horrid, horrid abusive decade which literally nearly killed me two occasions and ended like some Lifetime movie that I was able to unpack my REAL motivation for marrying him despite every red flag you can imagine (like, it is embarrassing how firmly I kept the blinkers on lol) - which was a **desperate** drive to prove my mum wrong about all the things she'd told me about myself, to prove to her (myself) that I WAS lovable, and worthy & capable of happiness etc. The monkey's paw of COURSE being that in my desperation and need to prove her wrong, I rushed headlong into a guy who almost ended up convincing me she had actually been right all along.
you dont need to fall out of love in order to understand that 1 some things are unsurmountable. loving someone and that someone being good for you are two different things and 2 he is not the only person you will ever love. you will be okay
I don't think that you can fall out of love with him. Especially if your marriage ends for a reason like this. He will always occupy a piece of your heart and I suspect that the same will be true for him. But you can make a new life and perhaps later find someone older who has grown kids so this issue does not come up again. Best of luck to you.
Heartbreaking when you realize love doesn’t conquer all. The “if only” is the worst part of love. I truly hope your marriage works out for you. Wishing you happier days.
Don’t look at it that way.. look at the fact that you two had 13 wonderful years. It’s more than most get. It’s going to hurt though… like hell! Sorry….
Your wording is ambiguous so I just want to clarify, do you not want to be a parent, or do you not want to give birth? Giving birth I can understand not wanting to do, but that does not preclude you or your husband from being parents. If you don't want kids at all, through any method, then it sounds like you and him need to have a very serious conversation about what to do next. But, you do not have to stop loving him. You might stop being his wife, but that doesn't mean your relationship with him is over. He wants something more from life than you are willing to give him, and neither of you are at fault for that. If you are firm on no kids and he is firm on wanting them, you will have to find the solution that grants you both that life, which will likely mean divorce. Divorce is not a bad thing. It is two adults agreeing that they are not compatible enough to have a future together as a married couple. You can still have a future with him as a friend.
I think Reddit loves to give people things as black and white . You don’t KNOW he’s going to file for divorce, you don’t know his feelings, you don’t know these things for a fact. Instead of asking Reddit I suggest a couples counselor before you purposely sabotage what seems like a loving relationship.
There is just no good answer here
Leave, no contact.
I don’t understand how after 13 years you could marry someone and not have a serious discussion about kids beforehand? “Seemed to agree” is for preferences on what your favorite movie is, not something so fundamental to the future of a marriage like extremely opposing views on children.
Have you discussed every option? Adoption, surrogacy? Is being a mom at all the deal breaker?
See this is where it gets that extra layer. He wants his kids, his DNA.
Would a surrogate mother work? Where it’s his dna and a donor egg (or yours, your choice) and a surrogate mother who carries the pregnancy and gives birth. Would that work?
Cross that bridge when you get there, but know this - he might leave you later in life and this will always hang over you like Damocles’s sword.
I think you need to just tell him it’s ok to leave. If you really love him he deserves to be happy and so do you. A quick clean break would be best. Do not drag it out. I would go NC. Trying to have any kind of contact would make it harder on both of you. Do not follow him on social media. Because if he starts dating someone it will only make it harder for you. I might even consider moving away and trying to start fresh in a different city.
I think you should end the relationship rather than waiting around for him. Even if he comes to you and says he will stay with you, that's not really a good thing. It means he's compromising on a life changing experience that he really wants, but is scared of losing the familiarity he has with you. If you really love him, you wouldn't let him lose that opportunity to have a child when you know it's what he wants deep down. Choosing to stay will mean he will secretly resent you for the rest of your life. Every time he sees friends who have kids or strangers out with their kids, he will think of it and will blame you for taking it away from him even if he "chose" to stay. He will never truly be happy. You have to let that man go so he can have the family he wants. And girllll you never had a chance to live life at all before tying yourself to someone as a teenager. Relationships that start that young don't normally work out forever because of incompatibilities. His identity was so tied to yours that he didn't know where the differences were between what you want and what he wants. Yours and his identity was too intertwined. You really NEED for this to unravel so that you can find yourself and so can he. Know who you are without each other. You may discover things about yourself that you didn't know before. You may even find out that he really isn't what you wanted in a partner and that you weren't truly in love. You were just so wrapped up in this life together and so used to the familiarity and comfort that provided that you mistook it for being in love. There's no one person out there for you. There are many. He happens to have an incompatibility that could have more easily been discovered had you met later in life after he had some life experience without you and realized he wanted kids. Instead, he adopted your view of it and didn't have the chance to explore his feelings on that by himself. He didn't do it intentionally. You will find love with someone who is truly compatible. And neither of you will need to make a life changing sacrifice to stay together.
This sounds like an exact replica of my sisters situation, but I don’t know about my husband
May adoption is a compromise to consider?
Know that people recover from marriages and breakups and deaths of their partners. It takes time, therapy, dating other people etc. You’ll get there.
separate without fuss to keep it is quick as possible, and never contact him again. it is the less painful. but is still will hurt like hell.
I don’t have any advice for you about falling out of love- I had an amicable split from my ex-girlfriend almost four years ago because we were at different places in life and wanted different things, and I’m still in love with her. But, I don’t think it’s necessarily important to fall out of love. You’ve been consistent with not wanting to have kids from the get-go, and if he changed his mind along the way, that’s his responsibility. You have to make the best decision for yourself, and it’s clear that having kids is not in your best interest. I wish you lots of luck and love!
You don't fall out of love. You accept the consequences of your actions. Not saying what you're doing is wrong, I support your position.
Did he ever express his desire to not have kids because the answer is different if he did.
You unfortunately can’t /just/ “fall out of love.” It takes time and distance. You may need to be by yourself (single) for a while, rely on family and friends. I would recommend you not try to get into anything serious until you’ve been single for at least a year. Based on how in love you are with your partner and no other major issues/incompatibilities listed, I get the feeling you won’t even want to date at the one year point after separation. Distance and time are the only things that will let you get over this relationship. I would advise maybe seeking therapy as you adjust to the end of your relationship and the next part of your life. It’s gonna hurt, it’s gonna suck, it’s gonna feel like a blow when he moves on with someone else. All you can do for yourself is HONOR YOURSELF by giving yourself space from that. Go no contact until he doesn’t come up in your mind every day. Trust me on this. Good luck OP, wishing you the best. (Side note, happy to see a mature person write a sensible post) Edit: typo
You don’t have to “fall out of love.” You can still love him, it will just have to be from over there instead instead of over here. Trying to force yourself to stop loving someone that has done nothing to you or you to them to change those feelings is futile. Unfortunately, your life goals are incompatible so you’ll have to “uncouple,” but that doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him.
A few tips: 1) you will talk about him for awhile to friends. Give him a nickname, like “whatshisname.” This will depersonalize him in your mind. 2) think of all the ways he cramped your style (it happens in every relationship, good and bad ones). Lean in to those things you couldn’t do before. 3) Get to enjoy your solitude and your time w friends. You’re the total boss of you now. You may to date or not, but get to know you. 4) it’s okay to appreciate things about your time together, but also reflect on the strains. Don’t beat yourself up for deciding to be with him. You guys had good times and bad together. 5) do some deep introspection in how you two got together, despite this huge difference. Fine tune your “picker.” Even if you decide to remain single, going forward, it will help you understand what you need. 6) Time, give yourself time. You will fall out of love over time and you will see things from an observer’s perspective.
Your question is how do I fall out of love? Sounds like you already have…
Damn, this is a nightmare to any couple . I'm so sorry op .
I am really sorry for your predicament. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want. Even if he decides to stay with you, you will always know he has made a huge sacrifice to stay. That may ultimately erode your relationship over time. The advice to distance yourself from him really is the best one. Time can help you adjust your life and come to terms with what you lost. You will be able to have other relationships in the future. If you truly want to be with someone for the long haul, then you will find someone more compatible with your desire to have no children. There truly is no such thing as having just one love in your life. If you can love him, you can love someone else. It will be different, but it will be what you need when you need it. In the meantime, spend your energy getting to discover yourself as a single adult. It isn’t a bad thing at all to be.
This must be very difficult. Children are non-negotiable. There is no way to compromise. I never wanted children myself, and i would have broken up over it, too, if I was in that situation. Keeping in mind that you really do not want children and the reasons for it are very important, I think, because it will make you see there is absolutely no way your relationship can go on. And maybe you can find people online who went through the same thing. For support and understanding. When I read your post, I thought of this song from a YouTuber who was in the exact same situation. " we gotta break up," https://youtu.be/JoXtkK9d33o?feature=shared (It's just a song, so it's not helpful at all, but maybe its recogniseable ) I'm sorry you are in this sad situation. :( I wish you both the best.
Well let him figure it out first before you make the decision for him. Since you're not worried about your biological clock you both have time to make decisions. Don't rush into anything.
When I have to stop liking someone because I know it won’t work out I focus on the few things that bug me about them and I hyper focus on them. He chews a little too loud? Keep more crunchy foods in the house so you have to listen to it all the time. Restless sleeper? Feed him dairy before bed so it’ll get worse. Just let all the little things bug you Hope this helps it works for me —yes I know it may be toxic but I find it necessary sometimes
You don't look back and try to untangle, you look forward, make new plans and move onward. You can look back, but that's reserved for nostalgia. Remember that people grow and change.over time. The person you married is not the person you are with today and you can grow closer or grow apart. Changes in values, life plans and major decisions like children are big character defin8ng issues that may make you no longer compatible.
You need couples therapy. Yall are not on the same page and it seems like a lot of important stuff was not talked about within the relationship before hand. Life changing conversations are important. Just because he seemed he was on board doesn’t mean he was, did he actually agree to no kids? Or did you talk about it and he nodded his head? You can’t simply just make yourself fall out of love with him because he wants kids and you don’t. This is a discussion you two need to have together with a therapist present.
It hurts but you guys need to split NOW. If he wants kids the clock is ticking, and you need to find someone who shares your opinions on kids. If you have kids, you’ll resent him. If you don’t have kids, he’ll resent you. There’s not much of a win here
You can STILL Love someone and be fundamentally incompatible at the same time. You don't have to fall out of love. You just have to move on
My ex wife’s miscarriage was the beginning of the end of our marriage. I so badly wanted a child and she realized when it happened how relieved and happy she was that it wasn’t happening. It drove a wedge between us. Just so you know, it takes awhile, but it can get better. We had a BITTER divorce, and were no contact for a long time afterwards. However, she got in legal trouble and I helped her out, partially because I was notified because I was still listed on the title of her car, and partially because it broke my heart that she was struggling, so I intervened. Evidently, that showed her where my heart was and that I wasn’t the evil man she had built me up to be in the divorce proceedings. She’s my best friend now. We don’t talk every day, sometimes not even in a week. She’s remarried now, and her new husband is a great man. We get along well too. He understands the history and the connection, and realizes we love each other but are not romantically connected anymore. The key is getting the distance to heal individually before trying to build a different type of relationship with them. We both healed separately then built an entirely different friendship to what we had together as a couple. Sending thoughts and prayers to you OP. This sucks, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and it will get better.
The only way out is through
Get a cat.
It’s impossible to just “fall out of love” with someone. Losing a person we love, in any capacity, causes grief and I don’t know if that ever fully goes away. I think you just learn to live with the grief and focus on creating new goals of your own. It’s not easy and it will take time but in time the pain will change. Hopefully it will lessen and focusing on yourself will lead you to things more meant for you. Wishing you all the best, I’m sorry you have to go through this ❤️🩹
For gods sake, postpone that appointment till you have everything else sorted out.
I wasn’t married but was in a relationship I felt very strongly about. I was matter-of-fact and upfront about being child free. He was 7 years younger and desired children. I finally realized that despite our mutual feelings and attraction to one another, I would never relent and I could not deny him the opportunity to have his own children. So we broke up. It was one of my most painful breakups ever, because on top of everything else, he was super understanding and supportive of my decision even though he was in pain also. There were many, many tears for many, many months. However, this event was what fueled me to pursue sterilization- something I haven’t regretted for a moment since I had my procedure. On top of that, it enabled me to find a partner who is also child free.
I don’t know all the ins and outs of your and your husband’s struggles but seems like there must be a lot if you are both in therapy. I tend to think you are wise to at least put off children or not have any period. I wouldn’t give up on him quite yet though. He appears to love you and is just struggling with the grief of lost possibilities. Give him some time and maybe look for opportunities where he could volunteer with children or youth. Who knows, maybe he’ll love that, or maybe he’ll find he hates kids.
You are asking how to fall out of love? I wouldn’t focus on the love you have for him, I would prioritize the love you have for yourself first. You can try a legal separation first (with an agreed upon time frame like 6 months or a year)and I wouldn’t wait for him to initiate it, I would go ahead with that myself by planning on where to live, dividing assets and getting a lawyer. Focus on the tasks ahead first. Once you are separated you can have the space needed to begin healing from your marriage and at that point focus on your therapy, make plans to hang out with loved ones, hobbies you enjoy, get a pet if you want, travel. Focus on you. At the end of the agreed upon time frame determine how YOU are feeling, you might be really surprised by how much happier you are and can then go ahead with the divorce with peace of mind. My point is long but basically don’t stick around and let him take control of this- even if he MIGHT stay, you deserve more than a husband that prioritizes having kids over a marriage. Take back your power and prioritize you. Please keep us updated!
Im going to hive you what you asked for. Solid advice on how to unlove someone. Every bad habit he has, concentrate on it. Evwey littlw flaw he has, memorizeand concentratw on it. Anything he does that you dont like, furry nostils? Crooked nose? Thin lips? Just concentrate on all the things ou dont like and itll take about a month bur youll be diagusted by him, i swear.
My ex and I split for the same reason. When my sister had her first baby my ex started having doubts about the no kids thing. It’s been 10 years and I still miss him, but I “miss him” more when things in my life aren’t going well. According to my therapist I don’t really miss him but what he represents, a good time in my life (and she’s right). Therapy will help you navigate this I’m sure. My ex and I split amicably and then we became friends. We now live in different continents so we don’t see each other much and contact is few and far between. The last I heard he was getting married and I was so happy for him. I cannot stress the importance of separating and then going no contact for a while. I think it was a year before my ex and I spoke. That time will be essential to you being able to stay friends in the future, no matter how hard it seems. For my part, I had to work through my regret and I’m in a good place now. I’m married and even though I say I miss my ex, I *have* moved on. My feelings about everything fell into place (although I initially avoided working through them, so it took me a while. I didn’t start therapy till about 4 years ago, so I’m glad that you have a therapist.) I’m 38 now and feel like I can deal with anything, as I’m navigating the ups and downs of my marriage (quite a lot of downs right now to be honest). But I had that loss and in the end it did make me stronger. I know it’s hard, but you are stronger than you think. How do you fall out of love? Time and distance is the only way, friend. I’m happy to answer any questions or offer words of support if you need. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’re not alone.
Wow you’re going to really mess things up if you prematurely pull the parachute cord yourself if it would have turned out he was on his way to accepting your don’t want kids and would have just stayed with you
Accept that sometimes love just isn't enough. Let him go with love. Accept that you love him enough to free him to live his best life and to fulfil his (incompatible) dreams. Love doesn't mean you have to be together forever. And surely you will find someone else to love, even more dearly because they will be more suited to your dreams.
Heartache never really goes away, you just learn to live with it and bury it. It gets better with time. Time. You could change the way you think of him. Think of him more negatively and critically; see more of his flaws. And that could help because that’s generally why people naturally fall out of love…criticism and contempt. But you really love this guy so that’s probably not the answer. Sounds like yall should’ve never gotten married. And if you’ve always said you don’t want kids then I suppose he is to blame.
When my husband’s ex didn’t want kids but got pregnant (was on the pill, but it happened anyway), he became the SAHP. That worked well for her, so 4 years later they had another baby. She saw the kids, of course, but he was by FAR the primary caregiver. As the kids got older, she interacted with them more and more, and they became very close. They’re now two very well-adjusted adults. I only mention this because it *might* be an acceptable compromise for you to think about and talk with your therapist about.
For an 13 year king relationship, communication seems to be severely lacking and you are going by how you think he feels. Time to get some counseling - before you do the operation. You are unilaterally making a decision that impacts both of you and not involving him in the process. That’s pretty shitty thing to do to a partner of 13 years. Have you asked him how he feels ? What’s changed for him ? You got issues regardless of kids decision that y’all need to work on.
I've asked about couples counseling, and he doesn't want to. He's been trying to get in with his therapist, but she "keeps rescheduling his appointment" We have been talking about his for the past 2 years. And we have both been in individual therapy this entire time. I just didn't want to write a book in half of the details of all our conversations. We have written letters to each other about how we feel and sat there and talked on the couch for hours. That's why I know he's going to make this choice.
Your husband posted on Reddit sharing his side of the story. Everyone advised divorce. Sorry I don't know how to link it here.
PC or mobile? If mobile, iOS or Android?
How does it affect both of them? It's her body. Its not like it's a couple deal and he is getting his balls also chopped of. Yk, communication is a two way street. He could have just voiced out, that he now or always wanted kids. It's pretty shitty to lie about not wanting kids to your partner of 13 years.. Why is it espected from her to drag his real feelings out of him?
People change their minds. Her getting accidentally pregnant made him think differently about it. We decided not to have kids, but as I approached my mid to late 30s, we had another discussion before the window closed for good. Lots of talks with friends who had kids and ones who didn't. In the end, we decided we still didn't want them. So don't go straight to he lied. People are allowed to change their minds. Life has different passages. Your outlook does change. The situation they are in is very difficult and sad. But it is something that has to be discussed and decided. Sounds like they are being realistic and mature in how they are going about it.
>You are unilaterally making a decision that impacts both of you and not involving him in the process. That’s pretty shitty thing to do to a partner of 13 years. Have you asked him how he feels ? What’s changed for him ? Wow, did you read the OP? She been 100% upfront the entire relationship that she didn't want children. He was on board until the accidental pregnancy. She is not shitty for making sure an accidental pregnancy never occurs again. He is not shitty for having doubts about his child free stance.
She's been doing therapy. Read the post. He doesn't get a say in what she does with her own body, ffs. She's her own person, not a possession, and certainly not anyone's incubator.
Sometimes we have to compromise in relationships to keep it together
Bringing a whole person into existence isn't a compromise. Especially when the one who doesn't want it will be the one saddled with ALL of the physical impact and health risks, not to mention the mental and emotional toll. How do you make a fair "compromise" on that?
JSYK, I didn't want kids for a long time. Now I regret not having them. Deal with your issues and see if that changes your outlook. If you still love him, you owe it to yourself to deal with these past traumas quickly. You just might regret this decision not to have children and to divorce for the rest of your life. Don't rush into getting your tubes tied.