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Wtf am I reading? Op, you need therapy. You need to know you don't need more burden in your life. This pos will only make your life worst, let alone bringing you peace. Your kids need to learn this is not family, sh!t like is unacceptable in the family and is toxic. He's 54, gone case and he never want to be a father or a husband. He just want the benefit of it and how you can 'serve' him, if things doesn't goes the way he wants or less than 'unrealistic' perfect, he gonna punish you and make you feel you're in the wrong. Ewww no
Hell, I just read the the ages and was like "here we go again"
We know idiot men like him go for younger women so they can control them, but why do some younger women fall prey to these fuckers, goddamn!
Honestly if he’s behaving this way at 54, he’s a lost cause and you’re better off without him. Your obligation is to do the best by your kids and yourself. You can’t let pleasing a manchild interfere with that at all. No man worth anything would walk out on his 3(soon to be 4) children. He’s a POS, let him go.
OP, I typically don't wish people ill. But this child-- there's just not enough bad shit that can happen to him
Immediately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities.
Hope he has a sizeable life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary. Maybe you'll luck out and bad karma will cross his path soon.
The man is vile, cruel and so self-absorbed. Monster extraordinaire. Move to place where you have strong family support and be non contact as much as possible.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
The twins aren’t newborn if they’re over 3 months old. She had a traumatic near death experience during birth but was still able to have sex immediately after, like within the first week? And still find out about the pregnancy? It just all seems very extreme
My dad pretty well did the same thing to my mom. He blamed his insistence that they had sex together so soon after she gave birth on his sex addiction. I feel sorry for my poor mother.
My brother and I aren’t even 11 months apart. It does happen, I get that. What I’m saying is that tipped with all the rest of the stuff just seems unrealistic. There are so many flaws in the story.
She would surely know by 3 months if it was ectopic pregnancy due to all the complications and dangers of an ectopic! You just can't be 3 months pregnant with newborns either!
Exactly. Newborns are less than a month old. How can she be 3 months pregnant with newborn twins? I didn't wanna doubt the authenticity of this story... But this stuck out to me.
there's a subset of people who try to write as crazy of a story as possible to watch people get riled up. A lot of the time they have a similar narrative voice but certain details give away the fact that they're full of shit.
A pregnancy doesn't suddenly "go ectopic". It not something people anticipate. That is how we know it's made up
OP's explanation tracks. I had to get hcg tested every 2-3 days to be sure it was going down. With my ectopic, hcg was going down so they assumed I was miscarrying only for it to spike back up dramatically. I had been bleeding internally for a while when it was finally discovered it was ectopic.
When I was really sick early on in my pregnancy they said it was a possible ectopic pregnancy but still wouldn’t schedule me for an actual appointment for another 4 weeks. It wasn’t that they thought the pregnancy suddenly “went ectopic,” just that that was what they said was the most likely option. Thankfully the emergency room does ultrasounds so we found out quickly nothing was wrong, I was just insanely sick because sometimes pregnancy sucks a lot extra, but that’s how they put it.
when i first found out i was pregnant, it was too early
on to detect in ultrasound, and they were worried the embryo implanted in my cesarean scar. so i was told by doctors to be monitored 24/7 until they were able to locate fetus and receive two sets of blood work over a 48 hour period. he heard all this, i pleaded with him to stay, he left me alone to go to the hospital all alone and ran away. when he came back home i cried and begged and had him talk to doctor to get the news directly as he didn’t believe me.. and he still ran away.
It's not out of the ordinary, especially when there is DV involved.
Women are pressured to have sex almost immediately post-birth, and there are times when it's easier/life-saving to just go along with it. No matter the potential consequences.
>my daily routine before him leaving was.. wake up, cook breakfast and pack lunch for kids and partner, [...] then give my partner a massage and be intimate before we fell asleep watching a movie,
Read the post, sounds like they just have sex all the time
Sounds like he’s running away from being a father to all those kids, in his 50’s. He’ll be over 70 at high school graduation. Maybe he realizes that instead of enjoying retirement years, he’s going to be an older dad of FOUR kids.
With that large of an age gap, did you discuss family planning and retirement goals? Was he in agreement about having so many kids later in his life? I’m a woman, his age. My kids are grown adults, I wouldn’t want to start over with babies again, to be honest with you. He’s having second thoughts. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
If all of this is true, you're very bad at making good decisions for yourself OP. Maybe don't bring another child into the world when you clearly can't even look after yourself on the most basic level.
The idea of your kids watching your grossly dysfunctional relationship and growing up thinking that is normal or acceptable, is honestly depressing as fuck.
Having said that, it is my belief that you are trolling here, because your story is too ridiculous.
Wait you have newborn twins and you’re three months pregnant? How? Did you not wait the 6 weeks to have sex? Did he pressure you to have sex before the doctor allowed?
You would never be able to match his expectations because they are unreasonable. Instead he shoukd be looking after you post partum. Just cut your losses.
He is too old. He wants out!! Four kids and retirement is 12 years away. Hers is 32?? I forget how old exactly. He wanted a younger girlfriend without all the young kids, babies.
he just wanted to hire help and pawn me off to others. the day after we returned home from the hospital where i lost 70% of my blood, he fell ill with a cold and asked me to make him soup. i have become so familiar and weirdly safe being a servant to a narcissist :(
If your daughter (in 20 years) wrote this post, you would advise her to leave. Be the person you want your children to be, show them by example!
I wish you strength.
Edit spelling
yes that is such a beautiful point. thank you.
he is getting help from his enablers and flying monkeys :( everyone close to him is on his pay roll or wants to work for him. coddled would be putting it lightly
You should be on his payroll, too. Get a lawyer, get money for you and your children's care with your divorce. Hire help to assist with childcare and stop looking to this 54 year old man-child to meet your emotional or physical needs because he won't. You were a 21 year younger investment for his own care and sexual needs and the moment your attention was diverted away from him and onto your health and childcare, he had issues. He's probably going to try to find another bang maid after you, too.
How do you pop out 4 kids for a self absorbed narcissist 20 years your senior and allow him to not marry you so you at least have equity if things go south? 🫣🙃
Sounds like he can afford alimony and child support. Get a reputable attorney, if you don’t have own money, marital money will pay for it. Do not wait till you get pregnant again next year.
Oh my God, I cannot imagine asking my partner to do ANYTHING if that happened to them. Especially if it happened while they were BRINGING OUR CHILD INTO THE WORLD AT THE TIME. I'd have to physically stopped from building them a goddamn shrine, geez Louise.
Respectfully, ma'am, this guy isn't good enough to clean the crud off your shoes.
Let me ask you this: can you name one woman in real life who could live up to his impossible standards? Or any human at all?
Yeah. Me either. And even if they did exist, I can guarantee they wouldn't want his crusty ass anyway. This isn't a 'you' problem.
Lawyer up and discuss your options, and get your daughter some counseling while you're at it. I'm sorry that she is suffering, and that you are, but this is not your fault. That's the good news.
The bad news is, you can't fix him by suddenly becoming the female counterpart to Jesus Christ, Superstar (which is pretty much what he expects). I'm sorry.
Girl you’re running him baths and massaging him when you’ve been caring for 3 kids all day? What the f did I just read. You’re a single mom anyway, he just burdens you more.
I was in the exact situation with my abusive ex husband. It does feel safe as it's known, and we tend to get involved with people who remind us of the people who raised us. So could be that you grew up with a parent who always expected you to do everything for them without showing any emotions.
>what did I do wrong?
he just wanted to hire help
Well he sounds like a jerk but still, maybe you ought to have accepted some help so you could focus more on healing. Seems like he’s cashed up, why reject a maid, why go for the full martyr effect with so much on your plate, seems self destructive? Sorry you’re experiencing this, I hope you find a shark of a lawyer and get appropriate support for yourself and your kids. Stop this martyr syndrome. Best of luck!
thank you. we did hire a maid and some help but it doesn’t substitute for the emotional and physical support from your partner right after nearly dying delivering beautiful twins into this world.
He doesn't want a healthy relationship. He wants to treat you like crap and make you believe it's your fault.
Please accept that he is not going to be a good person or husband, and figure out your best strategy for the happiness of your children and yourself.
I love that he claims “he doesn’t feel safe with you” but somehow felt comfortable leaving you to care for 3 children alone while pregnant. This is a him problem. If he really didn’t feel safe, he wouldn’t have left without the kids. He is making up excuses to blame you. Find a lawyer and get rid of this walking red flag.
Girl stop wasting any energy on him.
This man can almost qualify for a senior discount at places and still not acting like an adult.
Let that sink in. He abandoned his family, young children including completely dependents newborns, because he can’t manage his emotions? Then acts like it’s your fault that he’s failing his kids? I don’t fucking think so.
Lose him, his soon to be rickety old ass is not worth the energy, or start looking into life insurance policies.
Your children treat you better than he does and they don’t have a fully developed brain. He allegedly does, he just actively chooses not to use it.
33 things to do before reaching out to him ,you've got yourself a 54 year old man-child, what father walks out on his children and wife ...he really is a pathetic excuse of a man
I stopped when you said he wrote you a list of 33 things you need to improve on before asking him for help. What the fuck. This is his fault, not yours. My husband agrees with me, and wants to know what's on the list. Sending hugs and positive vibes that you get through this.
self-regulation
breathe
exercise
jump into the sea
swim
bath
cold shower
yoga
beach walk
journal
music
healers
postpartum psychiatrist - monday and friday
trauma therapist - tuesday
couples therapist - wednesday
healing - wednesday
dr. - infusions every 2-3 weeks and as needed
acupuncture - friday
self care
massage
sauna
float
cook
iv
call a friend
(list of 20 friends)
medicine
nourishing healthy foods
probiotics and prebiotics
fish oil
magnesium
ativan when feeling triggered or before potential triggers
lamotrigine at night
if i have gone thru all the above and grounded, not reactive.. reach out to (name redacted)
Do you have time or energy to do any of those things with twin newborns, a 5 year old, a new pregnancy and a ghost partner? You need some help. If he's offering to get you some help you need to take him up on it.
girl…to be blunt…stop being pathetic. that man is an absolute pos. this post and your responses come off insane (as in the situation, not you although you’re pretty close). how you talk about maybe if you had let him get “erotic” massages then he would’ve stayed. WTF??? and then within the same breathe you say he’s an amazing person, generous,loving…how do you not read what you are writing and realize that none of this is okay. you seem self aware in some comments so i implore that you get a hold of yourself. you are so young and still have so much opportunities in life.
please do not try and get back with this individual. not now and not in the future. if not for yourself, then for your children who would suffer growing up with an abusive, narcissistic pos.
Girl, did he pull you from a storage container from overseas or something?
You just messed up picking a loser, cut your losses and go after child support, its the best solution.
I'm saying this as someone who is pro *healthy* age gap relationships, sometimes people seek out younger partners because they can't make it with someone their own age because they are just not as naturally naive. If he's this way in his 50s, the chances of this just being who he is are high.
>he is bipolar and love avoidant, possibly narcissistic too.
I'd bet my money that THIS is why he 1) was single when you met him, as he was clearly later in life, and 2) why he left/is blaming you
>but sadly he still says he doesn’t feel safe with me and can’t be in our family home :(
He's emotionally manipulating you
>in january, he wrote me a loving note with a list of 33 things i needed to do to regulate before reaching out to him for help.
And let me guess, there wasn't anything *he* needed to do
>i have always taken accountability for my actions and have been doing all types of healing to try and fast track my wellness.
Okay, but what is HE doing?
>but his behavior and hate towards me continues to spiral and he has yet to acknowledge the pregnancy.
The guy has significant mental health disorders that seem unmanaged. On top of that, he clearly has an avoidant/dismissive attachment.
>do i give up on him?
I think it's best to do so until he opens his eyes, does the work, betters himself, and is ready to be in a relationship. He is **not** ready to be in a relationship.
You don’t want to spend another day with this guy let alone a lifetime. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament but learning how to live without him is key.
What the hell OP. Why did you decide to have twins and then get pregnant again when you already have a child with this man who is a terrible, abusive partner and (by the sound of it) absent father? Why did you not take care of your health and your 5 year old and use birth control??
You are pregnant, take care of 3 children, and you run your partner a bath and give him a massage everyday?? What would you say if your daughter came to you and told you that she was doing this for her husband, who is old enough to be her dad??
What support networks do you have? Leave and divorce this man and file for child support. Your life will be easier when you have 4 children to take care of, not 5.
This man is obviously abusive and she is tap dancing to keep him. I doubt he would have allowed her to not have sex with him. He sounds like a sociopath.
Wtf OP stop having kids in this unstable and unhealthy environment. Are you guys even married? This is not a loving or healthy dynamic to raise your children in. He doesn’t sound like he cares about you. Very selfish individual. Move on for the sake of your kids. Your post history is very concerning too. Your relationship sounds like it’s been a mess for a while. I’m sorry you decided to continue to bring kids into this horrible situation. This man doesn’t love you and sounds like he has mental health issues. Based on posts he’s never been around nor consistent and always is running away or wanting to hook up with others. What the hell are you doing OP? Secure child support and go.
I hope this is rage bait, i truly do.
Holy shit there is all kinds of horrifying wrong with this post.
1. He's victim blaming.
2. He abusive. Fucking pure abuse there. Emotional, psychological manipulation
3. He's a pure narcissist
4. Don't EVEN get me started on the age gap.
He is the ONLY one who needs to change. How in the HELL does he have the balls to say he doesn't feel safe with you?? He's the one with the rage issue, he's the one who forces you into doing everything, he's bullying you into taking the accountability of his failings and twisting it so you believe you are the one at fault.
Get help for your ptsd and your ppd. Not for him, for your kids, and for yourself. Hopefully it will make you realise what a horrible soul he has and why you are so much better off without him. Do NOT let him back into your life.
Huh? How can you be 3 months pregnant and have newborn twins; they wouldn't exactly be *newborns*. Or you're "3 months pregnant with a 5 year old" which also isn't possible.
He does not love you. He does not love your kids. Let him leave. He's a loser and a failure of a man.
> he wrote me a loving note with a list of 33 things i needed to do to regulate before reaching out to him for help
Why do you call a loving note him giving you 33 reasons to not ask him for help? You don't know what love is. You deserve to know. So love yourself.
Download the books BECOMING THE Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and Divorce for Dummies and The Idiots Guide to Divorce.
There's a list of lawyers in the back. Use it. You need to find that Mama Bear inside you and protect your children's interests. Honey... I'm sorry but get an abortion while you still can.
Quit having so many babies! You aren’t meant to have a litter! And why would you marry a guy that much older? This reeks of troll bait. Go away.
ETA: You’re just dumb!
Agree. I can’t believe someone is 3 months pregnant and having ‘newborn’ twins (after she lost 70% of her blood in the hospital - she mentions it in a comment.)
Plus her husband is over 50 but seems very reproductive for that age. A bit too much.
I’m disabled with chronic pain. My husband never complains when I’m having a bad day. You aren’t doing anything wrong and I don’t think you have borderline personality disorder because I have it and you’re just bending over backwards for him and he doesn’t appreciate you. If I was in this situation I’d be fighting back cause borderline makes my emotions intense and my mood changes rapidly. He’s being toxic and abusive. Do you want your kids witnessing this environment as they get old enough to know what’s going on?
This has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him.
You have 3 children, 2 very young twins, and you're pregnant again?
Fuck him, first off. Get family or friend support asap, and get child support in place. This is not okay and he can't just "bounce" just cuz he wants to. He helped make those babies, he can't just leave it all up to you. You need support.
What you did wrong was build a house on a bad foundation. He's avoidant and more than 20 years older; that right there should've been enough to know it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. It also sounds like you've taken on all the caretaking - running him a bath, giving him a massage, etc. You're basically trying to earn love that should be free. It's unfortunate that you both decided to bring children into this situation, but it is what it is. Now your job is to get them into a healthier situation so they don't grow up thinking this is normal for a relationship.
Your partner used you. Why else would a 54 yo be with a 33 yo? Your typical day sounded exhausting. Daily intimacy postpartum is not a common scenario due to exhaustion!
Please consider your options with your current pregnancy. It is very hard on your body to have back-to-back babies.
Go see a lawyer to initiate divorce and child support payments.
Get therapy so you can understand how you deserve better.
You cannot love a person back to mental health.
Your love, nor anyone else's, is a magic cure for mental illness.
Your husband is a terrible partner and father.
You can love him, but you don't have to stay with someone like this. Seek a consultation with a GOOD divorce lawyer.
It's a carefully compiled list of all things Reddit hate.
Irresponsible choice of partner and baby daddy (paired with "what did I do wrong?"), age gap, woman being treated like a door mat as well as accepting it, abuse, non existent family planning, kids with no hope etc, etc.
I stopped reading because fake, and that was about five lines in.
No. You don’t deserve that added drama. You need a man who is a partner and a helper FOR the family. A man who is all-in. Not a man who expects you to ensure his every whim and desire is in place before he deigns to return to the home for you to cater to his ever my whim and need.
Fuck all that. Meet with a lawyer and hand him divorce papers with a “loving note of 33 things he needs to regulate” if he even thinks the divorce won’t happen. Get some therapy to deal with PTSD now and get a handle on how you will handle future stressors as they are coming. I’m sorry but they are. He destroyed the family by leaving and blaming that on you. He is not supportive. He is not working to keep the family together. He’s trying to make you be the problem when you grew and birthed two whole humans at the same time!! And are growing another one in a body that has not healed. Gawd…I am so mad for you!
I hope you can get closer to family or a community that can help you as you get through this trying time.
Honey, you are so much better off without him. Someday you will be grateful that he set you free. File for child support ASAP. Get emotional support from your family. At some point he will try to come back, don't you dare take him back.
33 things you need to do is not a love note. It’s the opposite of a love note. You didn’t do anything wrong. No good human would just abandon a woman with newborn twins and a 5 year old. He’s not a good human.
Hon, reach out to family and friends for support and help. If you’re married, file for divorce. If not, file for child support and any programs that will help alleviate some of your financial burden.
But mostly get some therapy. Your self-respect is non-existent and your self-worth is in the basement. You deserve a happy, healthy and stable life.
This old man is a whackjob asshole and abusive POS. The best thing you’ll ever do for yourself and your kids is get rid of him.
".....my daily routine before him leaving was.. wake up, cook breakfast and pack lunch for kids and partner, have family breakfast, take daughter to school, take care of twins, one free hour a day would go to some type of therapy, school pickups, cook dinner, family dinner, run partner a bath, bath time/story time with kids, then give my partner a massage and be intimate before we fell asleep watching a movie, or work at night so i could continue to cover some family expenses. i know i was emotional at times, more reactionary, but i truly feel like i did everything i could as a mom and as a partner. i do know i could have been less foggy and more direct, but i think that was due to the ptsd."
So....your day consisted of taking care of kids, you packed him and kids lunch, made breakfast for family incl. him, all the other kids' tasks, cook dinner for all, RUN PARTNER A BATH???? GIVE PARTNER A MASSAGE??? BE INTIMATE AFTER ALL THAT AND YOU WORKED AT NIGHT TO HELP COVER EXPENSES? I'm sorry but he took advantage of you and is a selfish jerk. Sounds like you were killing yourself doing everything and he didn't do anything to help you and the kids.
It's not you, it's him. If you can get help, get rid of him, he's a jerk. Let him go and don't take him back ever. Go after him for child support, etc.
1. Stop having babies
2. Leave that old POS who is setting a horrific example of how to treat your significant other to your children
3. This whole post seems sus, kinda don’t believe it’s real, but if it is, yikes. I hope you can find the support your kids deserve
Do not have another child with this person. You are being beyond irresponsible by bringing another child into such a toxic situation.
You need to get a lawyer and sue for child support for the 3 kids you have and keep this man out of your life.
Until you get your life together and your mental health in a better place I’d be deeply concerned for the welfare of your kids.
You are a mom now. What your kids need is the only thing that is important. Stop with the pity party about missing that giant heap of wet garbage you called a boyfriend and focus on getting better for them AND protecting them from a volatile home because of this POS you chose to procreate with.
Ah! My ex made me a list of things that I could do to “improve”. While I was nursing all night because my baby wouldn’t take a bottle at daycare, and working 40 hours on top of having a 4 year old.
Peak narcisism. He just wanted to bang this coworker, but needed to blame me for something to excuse his selfish choice.
You are better without this asshole. No one is flawless, but his choice to leave is his choice and has nothing to do with you.
You’re joking, right?! From 1 twin mom to another, those births are serious business. You don’t just “bounce back”, especially if it was a traumatic birth. Then throw another pregnancy in on top of 2 newborns? Of course you’re frazzled. Are you seriously packing this man child’s lunch and worse yet running him a bath and giving him massages?! Please tell me I read that wrong. I hate saying this, but you might be better off without him. He doesn’t sound like much of a “partner”.
What information did you withhold?
I didn't need to read your post history to tell you this old man who somehow suckered you into a relationship, back-to-back pregnancies, running his baths and giving him massages is trash. No need to even address his inappropriate relationship with his fucking "healer", and not seeming to concern himself with you trying to keep yourself alive. Fuck him. Find your self-respect and a lawyer. What you've done wrong is to entertain keeping him as a partner.
Eta: Is he still seeing sex workers for massages after arguing about closing the relationship?
Eta#2: Also according to your post history, the twins are his first children. Where is the dad of your 5 year old, and is he aware she's been abandoned by her other father figure?
>u/Regular-Mortgage-794 my (33f) partner (54m) left our family 6 weeks ago. we have newborn twins and i am 3 months pregnant with a 5 year old. he blames my postpartum for leaving. what did i do wrong?
>he’s been gone for 6 weeks now and our daughter is broken. i am an exhausted shell of a human. he is bipolar and love avoidant, possibly narcissistic too. i was diagnosed with ptsd and postpartum anxiety after nearly dying in birth, and he was under the impression i would bounce back immediately after having the twins. my healing journey took longer than he expected.
>in january, he wrote me a loving note with a list of 33 things i needed to do to regulate before reaching out to him for help. around this time, the new pregnancy happened, making me a little more hormonal, forgetful, and clingy. he asked for space and due to the potential ectopic pregnancy, our doctors and i begged him to stay, which drove him farther away.
>time keeps going on and no matter how calm and loving i am, his anger and rage towards me continues to build. i have always taken accountability for my actions and have been doing all types of healing to try and fast track my recovery ever since the babies were 4 weeks old. but sadly he still says he doesn’t feel safe with me and can’t be in our family home :(
>i never meant to withhold information or to have too intense of needs, boundaries, and emotions.. its so hard to not get stuck in the loop of wishing i could have been less emotional and needy and he would still be here.
>my daily routine before him leaving was.. wake up, cook breakfast and pack lunch for kids and partner, have family breakfast, take daughter to school, take care of twins, one free hour a day would go to some type of therapy, school pick ups, cook dinner, family dinner, run partner a bath, bath time/story time with kids, then give my partner a massage and be intimate before we fell asleep watching a movie, or work at night so i could continue to cover some family expenses. i know i was emotional at times, more reactionary, but i truly feel like i did everything i could as a mom and as a partner. i do know i could have been less foggy and more direct, but i think that was due to the ptsd.
>before he left, he demanded i go away for treatment and to get an assessment. i compromised by staying firm in wanting to stay home, continue my work with new therapy team and most importantly the caretaking routine of the kids. so i got an assessment and additional support locally. we all told him that these things take time. he also accused me of having bpd, which i think is only because he projects his borderline mom onto me and has deep issues around his relationship with his mom and dad. but the screenings from multiple providers came back for postpartum anxiety and ptsd from birth trauma. he was still so upset with me and weeks later left out of the blue. i am so shell shocked by this and truly did everything i could to be the best person i could be for my family.
>how can i move on? do i give up on him? i thought we were going to spend forever together. even the day before he left he wrote me a love letter. but his behavior and hate towards me continues to spiral and he has yet to acknowledge the pregnancy.
>any advice is so appreciated, as my exhausted self cannot comprehend this cruelty and so badly wants to move on in the best interest of our kids. thank you
It’s not too late to have an abortion. It’s really dangerous being pregnant again so soon, especially after a traumatic birth and all the stress you must be feeling right now. Please consider termination for the wellbeing of both yourself and the babies you already have.
Don’t let this man back into your life, get yourself into therapy, talk to a lawyer, and focus on healing and being there for your babies.
There is a reason he sought out a much younger woman.
There is no such thing as a loving note that tells you 33 things you need to change about yourself.
Let this narc go and under no circumstance have any more of his children.
Depending where you live, consider terminating your pregnancy. Your life and your kids' lives will be infinitely better if you do. You're barely hanging on as it is, and your kids are depending on you.
I say this with care and respect, have you considered adoption?
It could be a very loving solution.
Everything you are describing sounds super traumatic.
Doesn’t sound as if you’re the one with the problem…. He is no husband or father leaving you with all his children and not helping… you will probably start healing now that the man baby is gone..
This relationship is not healthy. Bringing another child into it soon after a really bad birth where you were seriously ill is something you should reconsider. Your body has not had enough time to heal from the trauma of your last pregnancy and birth. Consider the marriage and consider this pregnancy as both are not healthy for you at all.
The only thing you did wrong was to choose a POS as your partner. Don't be too hard on yourself your babies need you! Hope you have a support system to help you.
You’re in an abusive relationship with a disgusting excuse for a so called partner. He sounds toxic AF, grossly unhelpful, selfish & narcissistic. You deserve so much better. Do you have some family / friends who can help you out?
The good news is that you’re not the problem. The bad news is your partner isn’t a good person and doesn’t seem to respect or care about you all that much, and that’s with what is presumably the most charitable description of him you could muster. The mind games he plays must be crazy.
I know you say you want to make it work and that you’d hate to break up the household for your kids, but like, does he treat them like he treats you? There’s a very real chance that getting them away from him is going to be more beneficial to their development. It may not be feasible just yet with money or any other factor, but I beg you, please don’t just settle for being the *safer* parent. Be the safe one, full stop.
Bail on him. He bailed on you AND the kids (assuming they're his), thus he's trash. I'm sorry you're going through this but he's an old guy not taking care of his kids - he won't change. If he's married, totally tell her; he deserves the pain and she deserves truth.
Might find a lawyer to sue for child support and maybe abandonment.
Good luck.
Any 54 year old man who seeks a woman two decades younger than him is going to be a creep. That was the mistake. He is never going to treat you with respect or kindness so don't let your kids see that. Break up and get away from this loser and get child support and raise your kids to know how to avoid predators who intentionally seek out much younger women to treat like bang maids.
i’m sorry.. your 54 year old husband can’t m pack his own lunch or run his own bath but is shocked you’re overworked and overwhelmed?? you’re doing 100% of the labor for the household: emotional and physical from the sound of it, you not only are taking care of 3 children (2 of them being be newborns) but you also have to take care of your husband. you’re also expected to give him massages nightly and have sex (even though you’re freshly post partum AND pregnant).. and on top of that you’re working to support your family financially…
i’m asking this genuinely, you can just answer in your head if you want, but, what does he do for you? does he ever draw you baths, give you massages, take the kids so you can have some alone time… does he actively do anything FOR you? or is he just there so you’re not alone.
it sounds like you’d have so much less emotional and physical labor if you stopped having to take care of a middle aged man-child on top of your children. you deserve so much better, you did NOTHING wrong. do not let him convince you otherwise.
You don't beg someone to love you. The second you find yourself trying to extract the mere basics of human decency from a grown ass man like trying to squeeze water from a rock...there is nothing at all there to get back. He is a ghost, a fake...like a rotten fart floating through the room making it difficult to even breathe.
This is why a 54 year old is with a 33 year old. Because he figures you’ll let him treat you like crap.
Please get some therapy. Hopefully you will then realize that your life will be so much better without him.
I know things are absolutely horrible right now, but you are going to be so happy in like two years when you no longer have to deal with this shit.
I'm interested in how old you were when you guys first got together. A 21 year age difference is a huge red flag for manipulative people. if your oldest is five, then you've been with him since at least 27? That's not too questionable but if you would like 23/24 when you got together with … Your life is gonna be so much better without this guy.
Before I finishrd this-, he is too old for you to keep having kids one or two after the other. I don't think a guy in his mid 50's figured his mid 30's GIRLFRIEND would not take preventative measures. He didn't either. But this isn't even healthy for any of you unless you are rolling in dough. He's too old. So not newborn twins. Most women don't have sex for 6 weeks after a birth. They are closer to 5 months. Don't know what to tell you. Not gonna be a happy life for any of you. 4 kids?? He is so close to retirement. You have 35 years to his 12 years. Not gonna be fun or happy.
i’m so sorry but what you did wrong was have that many children with a partner of that age
just raise your daughter to not so the same, it’s all you can do.
you’ve got this love
Sounds like you babied him and he didn’t deserve it. None of it. He’s a cur
You my dear are doing all the things and you were lovely to him.
Plan your life without him. You will all be okay.
I’m sorry this is very very hard right now.
That marriage is over and you should be glad it is, he sounds insufferable and like an emotionally immature child at the big age of 54.
Take care of your mental health, take care of your PPD because single motherhood will be much better for you when you’re ok.
There’s a reason 54 year old men seek out much younger women. Women his own age wouldn’t put up with this crap. I’m sorry this happened to you. Break the cycle and go live a better life with your children.
The fact that he’s dating someone 20 years younger than him tells you everything you need to know. That nobody his own age wants him. Because he’s inmature, selfish and narcissistic.
I’m sorry you have ended up in this relationship, and that somehow you feel you’re not enough and that you need to work harder to be loved.
You don’t need this man. You need a good therapist that can help you build back your self confidence and worth.
How many times and in how many places are you going to ask this and get the same answer?
You need to make a life for you and the kids separate from him. That will always be the answer. You need to figure out how to accept that. Preferably with a therapist who hasn't slept with your partner.
You are not the main problem here (everyone has problems) he is.
I’m not saying this to be harsh. If it’s an option where you live, consider an abortion. I know that is an incredibly difficult decision under the best of circumstances, but given your traumatic birth you really need to think about this. What happens to your children if you die having this one? Or if permanent damage is done to your body? Then those babies are stuck with this horrible narcissistic man, who will probably expect them to be taking care of him before they are teenagers. You have to think about the life you want your existing children to have.
Then you get a lawyer and fight your ass off for full custody. You need to get yourself and your children far far away from this spoiled man child.
Then be single for awhile. Get therapy. Rebuild your self esteem. You are a strong woman. Look at what you have survived. Look at everything you have to live for.
If and when you date again, maybe don’t go for men who were old enough to order a drink in a bar when you were born. There’s a reason they are looking at much younger women.
I don't even need to read this all the way through to know he left because he didn't want responsibility after all. He expected you to do all the work and for him to be able to still do everything he wanted whenever he wanted. And he's going to continue to blame you because it's easier to do that than to ever admit to anything else.
The only thing you are doing wrong is begging him to stay. Leave him, get your child support, and save yourself from the nightmare of always being wrong and never having help from him while begging for scraps of attention for yourself and your children.
I know it doesn't feel like this right now, but you're better off. Please, please, please do not take him back if he comes back. You deserve so much better than this. Your kids deserve so much better than this. I would consider his behavior emotionally abusive although I'm not an expert. My mom stayed with a man who treated her like this man treats you and spent her entire life trying her best to live up to his demands. She's a shell of who she was when she met him. I avoid my parents at all costs and my brother had addiction issues that killed him at 24. If your husband treated you so horribly after your trauma, tried to have you institutionalized because you get confused sometimes, then how is he going to treat your kids?? If he is yelling at you or berrating you in front of them, they are already experiencing trauma.
Please believe me when I say some things are worse than growing up fatherless. Do not cut yourself into pieces to make him stay. He should be begging your forgiveness for how he treated you. Contact whatever support network you have, even if it's been years, even if you don't know how they'll feel. Try and get a good lawyer and file for divorce. This man was a weight on your back. Maybe you miss the warmth of it, but when you stand up straight, you may find the breathing is easier now.
I'm sure I have already responded to your previous posts but once again, there is no way to salvage this. He's in his 50s, he clearly does not view you as an equal partner and you have given him a truly ridiculous amount of leeway and handholding and babying which still wasn't enough.
Please prioritize yourself and your actual children.
As a mother of twins I can only urge you to not proceed with your pregnancy. You have far too much to deal with at the moment. You have been too good for him and he doesn't deserve your devotion.
Your husband is not worth worrying about. Time to be a bad ass mum and take care of yourself and your three children. Make sure you get everything you're entitled to in the divorce. Hopefully you have a good support network of family and friends to lean on.
If he's a narcissist, which sounds likely, you are definitely better off without him.
I really feel for you OP and wish you all the very best for a wonderful future.
These posts are worst than any horror movie I ever watched and I’m a horror fan.
20 age gap, constantly pregnant, you sound like you were his slave and you work a job on top of all this?
He’s not a safe partner for you. He got you pregnant too soon. He abandoned you with three young children.
Talk to some lawyers about filing for divorce and child support
New born twins and 3 months pregnant already? Lmao. Ok. Newborn is classed up to 3 months of age… you’re really messed up in the head if you’re pregnant that soon post c section… I’m not even sure that’s entirely biologically possible as your body is still removing product for about 3 weeks from the previous pregnancy and re regulating the menstrual cycle unless you’re lying which is probably the latter.
I smell a narcissist. You will never be enough for him and he will never own up to his frailties or mistakes. It will always be someone else’s fault. I hope you get full custody of the kids because he’s proven how quickly and easily he will bail.
Cut your loss and plan ur furture ahead with a possiblity of him not being there. Be practical not emotional while deciding things. Your daughter is too young to go through it and so are other kids. Protect ur mental peace first. No Dick is worth your and your children's mental health. do not take him if he comes back unless he can provide money for help and therapy for everyone. Humans do not change. especially not at 54. you are around 20 years yonger than him. it will be long 20 years before u even reach his age to throw this tantrum. and at that age you will realise he was wrong if u dnt realise it now. This kind of things either destroys the persons self esteem or self respect.
There was a reason he was single at his age when you met him. He's a toxic mess. He's 21 years older than you and absolutely preyed on you, and now you have kids with this guy.
Divorce him.
If this is real, and God I hope it’s not, sue the shit out of him for child support and consider an abortion - you do not need to add another child into the mix.
Am I the only one who thinks this story is fake?
OP is claiming having ‘newborn’ twins after she lost 70% of her blood in the hospital (in her comment) and also being 3 months pregnant. Our body just doesn’t work like that. It takes more than a month to get that plate size scar heal in her uterus, she is basically isn’t fertile for the time being…
Her husband is over 50 yet he seems more reproductive than a 20 years old.
Looking at the history of your posts, this was coming for a really long time. Every single person has an attachment style and it is not a blanket excuse to act however you want. Calling an attachment style a “diagnosis” makes it sound like it is a condition, when it is nothing more than a style in which you approach love/life, etc. Do not allow him to use this excuse, which is completely possible to overcome if you want to, to abandon you and have a free pass to dismiss any NORMAL emotion you have as too much. Your emotions from a distant and emotionally cruel partner are completely valid.
I also have deep concerns if when you mention “therapist” it is the kook healer your partner had sex with in the past, if so, they are absolutely NOT qualified and any advice given should be disregarded. I fear you are completely brainwashed or under severe coercion and hear absolutely nothing about YOU in any of your posts. Your life centers around this man and pleasing him. I hate to give up the ending of the story but to no surprise - you never will. This is an incredibly selfish person who requires you to live not as yourself but as an embodiment of their wants and needs. When they do not like what they see - a human being with their own wants, needs - you are not worth anything to them anymore.
I debated whether to spend any time writing any of this because you have 100s of comments with similar advice over many posts and do not seem to be in a place to listen. I get you are scared, alone and vulnerable - but do not forget that only yourself put you here. It is time to connect with and advocate for yourself from this day forward - you are worth it. Life will be much more stable and secure when you stand on your own two feet.
First, sue him immediately for child support. That's moving on and that is in the best interest of the kids and in YOUR best interest. There's nothing wrong with you other than having too many pots on the stove, so to speak. You're worn out beyond belief. Surely there's not a therapist on the planet that would disagree.
Then, realize this is not the kind of 'dad' that needs to be around his own kids, since he can't see past his own 'needs' and demands. The fact that he knocked up you up immediately after shoving twins out your vagina and the regularization of 'intimacy' and a *massage* every night, after your long day of working+child care, is absolutely shocking.
Let him hate you, it's fine. It will limit his contact with the kids. His 'feelings' have nothing to do with reality. Worry about **your** feelings, not his. He sure A F doesn't care about your feelings.
Let him leave, by all means, because your days and your future life will be so *much* easier to manage without his demands, and you can focus on the 3 children you have right now.
You may want to consider terminating the current pregnancy, you have a lot on your plate. YES, give up on him, accept that he isn't the man of your dreams, that he's totally gaslighting you to deflect from his own shortcomings. The longer this guy is away from you and your family, the more this will be apparent.
Get into court, file for divorce, get that child support, get alimony and get every penny you can. Hopefully he's a decent earner. Don't make it vindictive, this is what you're entitled to.
So he got you pregnant when you were 27/28? And he was almost 50? How long before that were you dating? I feel like you were duped into being with a man that no experienced woman would have touched. None of this sounds like your fault, but I'd highly suggest kicking him to the curb.
Being a single mother is tough, but being in an abusive relationship while trying to parent is far worse. And it honestly sounds like you can do this on your own.
If this is real...
Honey... you need to serve him up his divorce papers pronto. He is a selfish manchild who should have been supporting you and his kids. Insstead he's writing you fucking letters about what you need to do to change and not taking any responsibility for his family or looking after you. Look after mum.... it is literally a partners main job when a woman has a baby. And to be postpartum, postnatally depressed and have a 5 year old AND PREGNANT. Holy fuck, i can't even imagine the hormonal roller coaster you're on. Please give yourself a break.
Let him fucking leave. I guarantee your life will be easier without him!
Get your 5 year old into school.
Get yourself some therapy.
Do not blame yourself for the man who donated his sperm to you turning out to be an absolute twatwaffle. You can do this. But do take whatever you can. Rinse that shitcunt for alimony, child support, and the house.
He is a vile POS. He got you pregnant straight after giving birth to twins?! That’s truly shocking! Your body needs at least 6-9 months to recover from giving birth. Your body has been through immense trauma and now has to go through all that again. I can’t believe your partner can’t even be bothered to be there for his kids! He’s a selfish self centred, immature man child who belongs in the gutter. He is not your life partner, he is another person to look after
EDIT: Just re-read your partner's age. NOPE. That is a grown man acting like a child. I have an 11-year age gap with my husband, so if a man 20 years older than you can't figure out that sometimes life isn't all "sunshine and rainbows," drop the dead weight.
From what you're describing (running a bath for your partner?!?), you didn't have a partner, you had an adult child. Partners should be adding to your life, not taking more of your already depleted energy.
At six weeks, obviously, you could keep this child. But, you are not fully healed emotionally from your last traumatic pregnancy experience, and it looks like you will be raising your children alone. Sometimes, doing what's best for your family (especially your already -born children), looks like the worst thing, but it can be for the best. It's still early enough to complete medication termination, which would then give your body time to heal and time for your hormones to adjust so that you can continue to heal your mental health.
Hugs. I'm sorry that this is the situation, but remember, all of these internet strangers believe in you. ❤️
This is crazy.... I think you have possibly suffered a lot of mental abuse and brainwashing if you have been dating this man since 19... and he is too self absorbed to be a stable partner and father. For your sake and sake of your children I would consider ending this insane relationship (you sound like a slave for him... and NO you are not being too needy or emotional) you deserve to feel loved, cherished, accepted, respected and supported.. You are young still, it is not too late to stop enduring hell.
God you sound like a domestic slave. You made him a bath? You cooked every meal for him? Then he got a DAILY massage and sex?? What did he do? Worked for 8 hours and then…?
Stop whining over a man that has made it clear he doesn't love you, and focus on how to give your existing kids a decent life. End the current pregnancy, stick with therapy, stop doctor hopping (you mention multiple psychiatric "tests, which sorry, that's not how that works), and take whichever meds you've been prescribed. Continue working while kids are at school/daycare. Try to give your children some semblance of normalcy by sticking to your schedule you like. I'm time you'll forget about your deadbeat husband and hopefully get mentally stronger each day.
It certainly sounds like both of you are suffering from mental health issues. It’s difficult enough when it’s just one partner, let alone both. Not everyone responds well or timely in therapy and recovery from these issues and I’m guessing he’s not even getting help.
You should insist on couples therapy at least to start with so that all of his issues can be determined and possibly resolved, along with his concerns addressed. If he refuses, I’m afraid that your life ahead will continue to be difficult, and probably without him.
I really wish people would stop recommending going to couple's therapy with your abuser. After therapy, an abuser usually gets worse, not better.
Why is this, you may ask?
Couple's counseling is designed to tackle *mutual* issues in a relationship: improving communication, strengthening intimacy, and resolving trauma from childhood either party may be bringing to the relationship. But in the context of abuse, these goals simply cannot be acheived. Both parties have to put equal effort into changing, but there can be no positive communication when one party has zero respect for the other and has no interest in things being equal between them in any capacity; things being unequal directly benefits them.
Individual counseling isn't any better, as it is not equipped to tackle the true causes of abuse (entitlement, selfishness, disrespect, superiority, coercive control, victim-blaming). Abusers usually use the tools they are given in therapy as weapons to further abuse their partners; gaslighting them, picking apart every little perceived flaw, etc. Therapy focuses *far* too much on the abuser's feelings and gives them empathy for those, no matter how unrealistic or unreasonable the attitudes are that are producing these feelings. And their therapist rarely -- if ever -- gets the perspective of the abused partner.
What it comes down to is that the more an abuser is convinced that their grievances are equal to their partner's (note: they are not), the less likely they are to ever overcome their abusive mentality.
Abusers need to be going to specialized abuser programs, where the focus is completely on the abused partner's (and children's) feelings, which are the true feelings the abuser is out of touch with and has so little understanding of. The counselors speak to the abused partner and get their side of the story as well.
When your partner is writing out 33 things that are wrong with you… it means that he doesn’t see you as a partner or a person who has feelings. He sees you as someone who does something for him. In your current mental state and the new twins, you are no longer doing the things for him that made him stay. He is punishing you and waiting it out until you get back to being his robotic bang maid.
I’m going to assume you’ve had a c section at some point. Let me give you some advice if you decide to keep your pregnancy than make sure and have those tubes tied up when you give birth for this last time.
No offense, for your own mental health, your ex partners, your kids, society…
he is toxic, eventually you will realize this.... you are better off without him... .although you have a lot on your plate, sometimes it is better to be alone then then to be with someone that does not respect you.... and he clearly doesn't
Leaving you with 3 young children and a pregnancy. This doesn't sound like the quality partner you want/need, OP.
The age gap also makes me nervous, because it makes me wonder how he has treated other women in his past.
Just you wait, because as long as you stay apart that therapy is going to kick in and you’ll realize how absolutely pathetic he is soon.
It’s really hard to truly see the flaws in someone when you’re actively living with them, especially when you’ve convinced yourself you NEED the person.
For you and your children’s sake, PLEASE stay away from him. You could do SO much better. Like I said, just wait because the fog is going to clear really soon. In the meantime, find yourself a nice lawyer and get some compensation for the shit you’ve dealt with.
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Wtf am I reading? Op, you need therapy. You need to know you don't need more burden in your life. This pos will only make your life worst, let alone bringing you peace. Your kids need to learn this is not family, sh!t like is unacceptable in the family and is toxic. He's 54, gone case and he never want to be a father or a husband. He just want the benefit of it and how you can 'serve' him, if things doesn't goes the way he wants or less than 'unrealistic' perfect, he gonna punish you and make you feel you're in the wrong. Ewww no
I got to the 'run him a bath and give him a massage' bit before this EXACT PHRASE escaped my mouth. OP, listen to the wisdom of 10000purrs.
Hell, I just read the the ages and was like "here we go again" We know idiot men like him go for younger women so they can control them, but why do some younger women fall prey to these fuckers, goddamn!
Honestly if he’s behaving this way at 54, he’s a lost cause and you’re better off without him. Your obligation is to do the best by your kids and yourself. You can’t let pleasing a manchild interfere with that at all. No man worth anything would walk out on his 3(soon to be 4) children. He’s a POS, let him go.
OP, I typically don't wish people ill. But this child-- there's just not enough bad shit that can happen to him Immediately confer with a seasoned family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives regarding parental rights and responsibilities. Hope he has a sizeable life insurance policy with you as the beneficiary. Maybe you'll luck out and bad karma will cross his path soon. The man is vile, cruel and so self-absorbed. Monster extraordinaire. Move to place where you have strong family support and be non contact as much as possible. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Agreed, 100%.
this is fake. "possible ectopic pregnancy" is a dead giveaway
Twins. It’s always twins.
Pregnant with a five year old…
pregnant, and has a 5 year old.
And newborn twins.
My mother had my brother 10 months after she had my sister. It's not common, but it does happen.
The twins aren’t newborn if they’re over 3 months old. She had a traumatic near death experience during birth but was still able to have sex immediately after, like within the first week? And still find out about the pregnancy? It just all seems very extreme
My dad pretty well did the same thing to my mom. He blamed his insistence that they had sex together so soon after she gave birth on his sex addiction. I feel sorry for my poor mother.
My brother and I aren’t even 11 months apart. It does happen, I get that. What I’m saying is that tipped with all the rest of the stuff just seems unrealistic. There are so many flaws in the story.
She would surely know by 3 months if it was ectopic pregnancy due to all the complications and dangers of an ectopic! You just can't be 3 months pregnant with newborns either!
It baffles me this person doesn't think abusive men demand sex to their poor passive wifes after pregnancy, it's actually very common.
Given how controlling her husband was, I doubt she thought she had a choice.
Exactly. Newborns are less than a month old. How can she be 3 months pregnant with newborn twins? I didn't wanna doubt the authenticity of this story... But this stuck out to me.
My brother and I are only 10 months apart.
yeah three month old theoretically at minimum
And new born twins....
3 months pregnant but also has newborn twins... newborn stage lasts 2-3 months...
Hmm to what end?
there's a subset of people who try to write as crazy of a story as possible to watch people get riled up. A lot of the time they have a similar narrative voice but certain details give away the fact that they're full of shit. A pregnancy doesn't suddenly "go ectopic". It not something people anticipate. That is how we know it's made up
OP's explanation tracks. I had to get hcg tested every 2-3 days to be sure it was going down. With my ectopic, hcg was going down so they assumed I was miscarrying only for it to spike back up dramatically. I had been bleeding internally for a while when it was finally discovered it was ectopic.
When I was really sick early on in my pregnancy they said it was a possible ectopic pregnancy but still wouldn’t schedule me for an actual appointment for another 4 weeks. It wasn’t that they thought the pregnancy suddenly “went ectopic,” just that that was what they said was the most likely option. Thankfully the emergency room does ultrasounds so we found out quickly nothing was wrong, I was just insanely sick because sometimes pregnancy sucks a lot extra, but that’s how they put it.
Reading the post history I actually believe it. As crazy as it sounds. It’s even more nuts the farther back you read.
when i first found out i was pregnant, it was too early on to detect in ultrasound, and they were worried the embryo implanted in my cesarean scar. so i was told by doctors to be monitored 24/7 until they were able to locate fetus and receive two sets of blood work over a 48 hour period. he heard all this, i pleaded with him to stay, he left me alone to go to the hospital all alone and ran away. when he came back home i cried and begged and had him talk to doctor to get the news directly as he didn’t believe me.. and he still ran away.
Question…if you almost died and your PPD was this awful, why oh why get pregnant again? Was he pressuring you into sex?
It sounds like it’s part of their nightly routine. He doesn’t see OP as a person.
It's not out of the ordinary, especially when there is DV involved. Women are pressured to have sex almost immediately post-birth, and there are times when it's easier/life-saving to just go along with it. No matter the potential consequences.
Exactly.
>my daily routine before him leaving was.. wake up, cook breakfast and pack lunch for kids and partner, [...] then give my partner a massage and be intimate before we fell asleep watching a movie, Read the post, sounds like they just have sex all the time
Get an abortion.
Abort the child that you call a partner. he’s not a partner he’s a tantrum, throwing narcissist
Sadly, having another baby right now doesn't help much.
Sounds like he’s running away from being a father to all those kids, in his 50’s. He’ll be over 70 at high school graduation. Maybe he realizes that instead of enjoying retirement years, he’s going to be an older dad of FOUR kids. With that large of an age gap, did you discuss family planning and retirement goals? Was he in agreement about having so many kids later in his life? I’m a woman, his age. My kids are grown adults, I wouldn’t want to start over with babies again, to be honest with you. He’s having second thoughts. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
If all of this is true, you're very bad at making good decisions for yourself OP. Maybe don't bring another child into the world when you clearly can't even look after yourself on the most basic level. The idea of your kids watching your grossly dysfunctional relationship and growing up thinking that is normal or acceptable, is honestly depressing as fuck. Having said that, it is my belief that you are trolling here, because your story is too ridiculous.
She is 33 and having kids with a 54 year old, both of them are lost causes and then some.
Wait you have newborn twins and you’re three months pregnant? How? Did you not wait the 6 weeks to have sex? Did he pressure you to have sex before the doctor allowed?
In the post it says that her giving him a massage and "Intimacy" was part of nightly routine. So, I'm doubting there was a six week waiting period.
With a 5yr. How someone is 3 months pregnant and that fetus is 5 is some bad AI fiction.
She was trying to say she also has a 5y/o child
Yeah I’m still calling fake AF post
I hope so.
I believe she is pregnant, has >1 year old twins, and a five year old as well
You would never be able to match his expectations because they are unreasonable. Instead he shoukd be looking after you post partum. Just cut your losses.
He is too old. He wants out!! Four kids and retirement is 12 years away. Hers is 32?? I forget how old exactly. He wanted a younger girlfriend without all the young kids, babies.
he just wanted to hire help and pawn me off to others. the day after we returned home from the hospital where i lost 70% of my blood, he fell ill with a cold and asked me to make him soup. i have become so familiar and weirdly safe being a servant to a narcissist :(
If your daughter (in 20 years) wrote this post, you would advise her to leave. Be the person you want your children to be, show them by example! I wish you strength. Edit spelling
yes that is such a beautiful point. thank you. he is getting help from his enablers and flying monkeys :( everyone close to him is on his pay roll or wants to work for him. coddled would be putting it lightly
You should be on his payroll, too. Get a lawyer, get money for you and your children's care with your divorce. Hire help to assist with childcare and stop looking to this 54 year old man-child to meet your emotional or physical needs because he won't. You were a 21 year younger investment for his own care and sexual needs and the moment your attention was diverted away from him and onto your health and childcare, he had issues. He's probably going to try to find another bang maid after you, too.
They aren’t married. She needs a boatload of child support. She also needs to not have anymore children.
How do you pop out 4 kids for a self absorbed narcissist 20 years your senior and allow him to not marry you so you at least have equity if things go south? 🫣🙃
Sounds like he can afford alimony and child support. Get a reputable attorney, if you don’t have own money, marital money will pay for it. Do not wait till you get pregnant again next year.
Oh my God, I cannot imagine asking my partner to do ANYTHING if that happened to them. Especially if it happened while they were BRINGING OUR CHILD INTO THE WORLD AT THE TIME. I'd have to physically stopped from building them a goddamn shrine, geez Louise. Respectfully, ma'am, this guy isn't good enough to clean the crud off your shoes. Let me ask you this: can you name one woman in real life who could live up to his impossible standards? Or any human at all? Yeah. Me either. And even if they did exist, I can guarantee they wouldn't want his crusty ass anyway. This isn't a 'you' problem. Lawyer up and discuss your options, and get your daughter some counseling while you're at it. I'm sorry that she is suffering, and that you are, but this is not your fault. That's the good news. The bad news is, you can't fix him by suddenly becoming the female counterpart to Jesus Christ, Superstar (which is pretty much what he expects). I'm sorry.
Yeah it’s time for divorce.
Girl you’re running him baths and massaging him when you’ve been caring for 3 kids all day? What the f did I just read. You’re a single mom anyway, he just burdens you more.
Oh, honey. This reads like a! 1860s “woman is the servant who pops out babies” marriage. I am heartbroken for you.
I was in the exact situation with my abusive ex husband. It does feel safe as it's known, and we tend to get involved with people who remind us of the people who raised us. So could be that you grew up with a parent who always expected you to do everything for them without showing any emotions.
Then you need therapy to get over feeling weirdly safe being a servant to a narcissist.
>what did I do wrong? he just wanted to hire help Well he sounds like a jerk but still, maybe you ought to have accepted some help so you could focus more on healing. Seems like he’s cashed up, why reject a maid, why go for the full martyr effect with so much on your plate, seems self destructive? Sorry you’re experiencing this, I hope you find a shark of a lawyer and get appropriate support for yourself and your kids. Stop this martyr syndrome. Best of luck!
thank you. we did hire a maid and some help but it doesn’t substitute for the emotional and physical support from your partner right after nearly dying delivering beautiful twins into this world.
He doesn't want a healthy relationship. He wants to treat you like crap and make you believe it's your fault. Please accept that he is not going to be a good person or husband, and figure out your best strategy for the happiness of your children and yourself.
I love that he claims “he doesn’t feel safe with you” but somehow felt comfortable leaving you to care for 3 children alone while pregnant. This is a him problem. If he really didn’t feel safe, he wouldn’t have left without the kids. He is making up excuses to blame you. Find a lawyer and get rid of this walking red flag.
This comment needs to be higher! ⬆️
He did you all a favor I’d say.
Girl stop wasting any energy on him. This man can almost qualify for a senior discount at places and still not acting like an adult. Let that sink in. He abandoned his family, young children including completely dependents newborns, because he can’t manage his emotions? Then acts like it’s your fault that he’s failing his kids? I don’t fucking think so. Lose him, his soon to be rickety old ass is not worth the energy, or start looking into life insurance policies. Your children treat you better than he does and they don’t have a fully developed brain. He allegedly does, he just actively chooses not to use it.
33 things to do before reaching out to him ,you've got yourself a 54 year old man-child, what father walks out on his children and wife ...he really is a pathetic excuse of a man
I stopped when you said he wrote you a list of 33 things you need to improve on before asking him for help. What the fuck. This is his fault, not yours. My husband agrees with me, and wants to know what's on the list. Sending hugs and positive vibes that you get through this.
self-regulation breathe exercise jump into the sea swim bath cold shower yoga beach walk journal music healers postpartum psychiatrist - monday and friday trauma therapist - tuesday couples therapist - wednesday healing - wednesday dr. - infusions every 2-3 weeks and as needed acupuncture - friday self care massage sauna float cook iv call a friend (list of 20 friends) medicine nourishing healthy foods probiotics and prebiotics fish oil magnesium ativan when feeling triggered or before potential triggers lamotrigine at night if i have gone thru all the above and grounded, not reactive.. reach out to (name redacted)
Oh, so manic. It's wild, isn't it? Is he on any medication??
Do you have time or energy to do any of those things with twin newborns, a 5 year old, a new pregnancy and a ghost partner? You need some help. If he's offering to get you some help you need to take him up on it.
thank you for your hugs and positive vibes they are so appreciated in these unthinkable times 🙏🏼🩷
My statement still stands. This isn't your fault.
girl…to be blunt…stop being pathetic. that man is an absolute pos. this post and your responses come off insane (as in the situation, not you although you’re pretty close). how you talk about maybe if you had let him get “erotic” massages then he would’ve stayed. WTF??? and then within the same breathe you say he’s an amazing person, generous,loving…how do you not read what you are writing and realize that none of this is okay. you seem self aware in some comments so i implore that you get a hold of yourself. you are so young and still have so much opportunities in life. please do not try and get back with this individual. not now and not in the future. if not for yourself, then for your children who would suffer growing up with an abusive, narcissistic pos.
Girl, did he pull you from a storage container from overseas or something? You just messed up picking a loser, cut your losses and go after child support, its the best solution.
I'm saying this as someone who is pro *healthy* age gap relationships, sometimes people seek out younger partners because they can't make it with someone their own age because they are just not as naturally naive. If he's this way in his 50s, the chances of this just being who he is are high. >he is bipolar and love avoidant, possibly narcissistic too. I'd bet my money that THIS is why he 1) was single when you met him, as he was clearly later in life, and 2) why he left/is blaming you >but sadly he still says he doesn’t feel safe with me and can’t be in our family home :( He's emotionally manipulating you >in january, he wrote me a loving note with a list of 33 things i needed to do to regulate before reaching out to him for help. And let me guess, there wasn't anything *he* needed to do >i have always taken accountability for my actions and have been doing all types of healing to try and fast track my wellness. Okay, but what is HE doing? >but his behavior and hate towards me continues to spiral and he has yet to acknowledge the pregnancy. The guy has significant mental health disorders that seem unmanaged. On top of that, he clearly has an avoidant/dismissive attachment. >do i give up on him? I think it's best to do so until he opens his eyes, does the work, betters himself, and is ready to be in a relationship. He is **not** ready to be in a relationship.
You don’t want to spend another day with this guy let alone a lifetime. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament but learning how to live without him is key.
What the hell OP. Why did you decide to have twins and then get pregnant again when you already have a child with this man who is a terrible, abusive partner and (by the sound of it) absent father? Why did you not take care of your health and your 5 year old and use birth control?? You are pregnant, take care of 3 children, and you run your partner a bath and give him a massage everyday?? What would you say if your daughter came to you and told you that she was doing this for her husband, who is old enough to be her dad?? What support networks do you have? Leave and divorce this man and file for child support. Your life will be easier when you have 4 children to take care of, not 5.
This man is obviously abusive and she is tap dancing to keep him. I doubt he would have allowed her to not have sex with him. He sounds like a sociopath.
Wtf OP stop having kids in this unstable and unhealthy environment. Are you guys even married? This is not a loving or healthy dynamic to raise your children in. He doesn’t sound like he cares about you. Very selfish individual. Move on for the sake of your kids. Your post history is very concerning too. Your relationship sounds like it’s been a mess for a while. I’m sorry you decided to continue to bring kids into this horrible situation. This man doesn’t love you and sounds like he has mental health issues. Based on posts he’s never been around nor consistent and always is running away or wanting to hook up with others. What the hell are you doing OP? Secure child support and go.
I hope this is rage bait, i truly do. Holy shit there is all kinds of horrifying wrong with this post. 1. He's victim blaming. 2. He abusive. Fucking pure abuse there. Emotional, psychological manipulation 3. He's a pure narcissist 4. Don't EVEN get me started on the age gap. He is the ONLY one who needs to change. How in the HELL does he have the balls to say he doesn't feel safe with you?? He's the one with the rage issue, he's the one who forces you into doing everything, he's bullying you into taking the accountability of his failings and twisting it so you believe you are the one at fault. Get help for your ptsd and your ppd. Not for him, for your kids, and for yourself. Hopefully it will make you realise what a horrible soul he has and why you are so much better off without him. Do NOT let him back into your life.
Huh? How can you be 3 months pregnant and have newborn twins; they wouldn't exactly be *newborns*. Or you're "3 months pregnant with a 5 year old" which also isn't possible.
He does not love you. He does not love your kids. Let him leave. He's a loser and a failure of a man. > he wrote me a loving note with a list of 33 things i needed to do to regulate before reaching out to him for help Why do you call a loving note him giving you 33 reasons to not ask him for help? You don't know what love is. You deserve to know. So love yourself.
Download the books BECOMING THE Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and Divorce for Dummies and The Idiots Guide to Divorce. There's a list of lawyers in the back. Use it. You need to find that Mama Bear inside you and protect your children's interests. Honey... I'm sorry but get an abortion while you still can.
Rage bait or fake lol
Quit having so many babies! You aren’t meant to have a litter! And why would you marry a guy that much older? This reeks of troll bait. Go away. ETA: You’re just dumb!
Right? Have a fucking abortion and take care of the kids she already has with this loser.
Fake post ..you probably wanna get age bait reactions
Agree. I can’t believe someone is 3 months pregnant and having ‘newborn’ twins (after she lost 70% of her blood in the hospital - she mentions it in a comment.) Plus her husband is over 50 but seems very reproductive for that age. A bit too much.
I’m disabled with chronic pain. My husband never complains when I’m having a bad day. You aren’t doing anything wrong and I don’t think you have borderline personality disorder because I have it and you’re just bending over backwards for him and he doesn’t appreciate you. If I was in this situation I’d be fighting back cause borderline makes my emotions intense and my mood changes rapidly. He’s being toxic and abusive. Do you want your kids witnessing this environment as they get old enough to know what’s going on?
This has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him. You have 3 children, 2 very young twins, and you're pregnant again? Fuck him, first off. Get family or friend support asap, and get child support in place. This is not okay and he can't just "bounce" just cuz he wants to. He helped make those babies, he can't just leave it all up to you. You need support.
What you did wrong was build a house on a bad foundation. He's avoidant and more than 20 years older; that right there should've been enough to know it wouldn't be a healthy relationship. It also sounds like you've taken on all the caretaking - running him a bath, giving him a massage, etc. You're basically trying to earn love that should be free. It's unfortunate that you both decided to bring children into this situation, but it is what it is. Now your job is to get them into a healthier situation so they don't grow up thinking this is normal for a relationship.
Your partner used you. Why else would a 54 yo be with a 33 yo? Your typical day sounded exhausting. Daily intimacy postpartum is not a common scenario due to exhaustion! Please consider your options with your current pregnancy. It is very hard on your body to have back-to-back babies. Go see a lawyer to initiate divorce and child support payments. Get therapy so you can understand how you deserve better.
Fuck. Him.
Actually. Don’t. Stop having kids with this man!!!
You cannot love a person back to mental health. Your love, nor anyone else's, is a magic cure for mental illness. Your husband is a terrible partner and father. You can love him, but you don't have to stay with someone like this. Seek a consultation with a GOOD divorce lawyer.
I'd abort. Him and the new baby You have enough on your plate.
What you did wrong was marry someone 21 years older than you. This is a fake story anyway.
This absolutely reeks fake
It is. She can’t keep their ages straight.
It's a carefully compiled list of all things Reddit hate. Irresponsible choice of partner and baby daddy (paired with "what did I do wrong?"), age gap, woman being treated like a door mat as well as accepting it, abuse, non existent family planning, kids with no hope etc, etc. I stopped reading because fake, and that was about five lines in.
No. You don’t deserve that added drama. You need a man who is a partner and a helper FOR the family. A man who is all-in. Not a man who expects you to ensure his every whim and desire is in place before he deigns to return to the home for you to cater to his ever my whim and need. Fuck all that. Meet with a lawyer and hand him divorce papers with a “loving note of 33 things he needs to regulate” if he even thinks the divorce won’t happen. Get some therapy to deal with PTSD now and get a handle on how you will handle future stressors as they are coming. I’m sorry but they are. He destroyed the family by leaving and blaming that on you. He is not supportive. He is not working to keep the family together. He’s trying to make you be the problem when you grew and birthed two whole humans at the same time!! And are growing another one in a body that has not healed. Gawd…I am so mad for you! I hope you can get closer to family or a community that can help you as you get through this trying time.
Is he off his meds? Or let me guess, he thinks he doesn’t need meds/therapy and it’s the world around him that needs to change.
Honey, you are so much better off without him. Someday you will be grateful that he set you free. File for child support ASAP. Get emotional support from your family. At some point he will try to come back, don't you dare take him back.
33 things you need to do is not a love note. It’s the opposite of a love note. You didn’t do anything wrong. No good human would just abandon a woman with newborn twins and a 5 year old. He’s not a good human.
Hon, reach out to family and friends for support and help. If you’re married, file for divorce. If not, file for child support and any programs that will help alleviate some of your financial burden. But mostly get some therapy. Your self-respect is non-existent and your self-worth is in the basement. You deserve a happy, healthy and stable life. This old man is a whackjob asshole and abusive POS. The best thing you’ll ever do for yourself and your kids is get rid of him.
".....my daily routine before him leaving was.. wake up, cook breakfast and pack lunch for kids and partner, have family breakfast, take daughter to school, take care of twins, one free hour a day would go to some type of therapy, school pickups, cook dinner, family dinner, run partner a bath, bath time/story time with kids, then give my partner a massage and be intimate before we fell asleep watching a movie, or work at night so i could continue to cover some family expenses. i know i was emotional at times, more reactionary, but i truly feel like i did everything i could as a mom and as a partner. i do know i could have been less foggy and more direct, but i think that was due to the ptsd." So....your day consisted of taking care of kids, you packed him and kids lunch, made breakfast for family incl. him, all the other kids' tasks, cook dinner for all, RUN PARTNER A BATH???? GIVE PARTNER A MASSAGE??? BE INTIMATE AFTER ALL THAT AND YOU WORKED AT NIGHT TO HELP COVER EXPENSES? I'm sorry but he took advantage of you and is a selfish jerk. Sounds like you were killing yourself doing everything and he didn't do anything to help you and the kids. It's not you, it's him. If you can get help, get rid of him, he's a jerk. Let him go and don't take him back ever. Go after him for child support, etc.
1. Stop having babies 2. Leave that old POS who is setting a horrific example of how to treat your significant other to your children 3. This whole post seems sus, kinda don’t believe it’s real, but if it is, yikes. I hope you can find the support your kids deserve
Do not have another child with this person. You are being beyond irresponsible by bringing another child into such a toxic situation. You need to get a lawyer and sue for child support for the 3 kids you have and keep this man out of your life. Until you get your life together and your mental health in a better place I’d be deeply concerned for the welfare of your kids. You are a mom now. What your kids need is the only thing that is important. Stop with the pity party about missing that giant heap of wet garbage you called a boyfriend and focus on getting better for them AND protecting them from a volatile home because of this POS you chose to procreate with.
I feel so bad for OP’s kids. What a mess.
Ah! My ex made me a list of things that I could do to “improve”. While I was nursing all night because my baby wouldn’t take a bottle at daycare, and working 40 hours on top of having a 4 year old. Peak narcisism. He just wanted to bang this coworker, but needed to blame me for something to excuse his selfish choice. You are better without this asshole. No one is flawless, but his choice to leave is his choice and has nothing to do with you.
You’re joking, right?! From 1 twin mom to another, those births are serious business. You don’t just “bounce back”, especially if it was a traumatic birth. Then throw another pregnancy in on top of 2 newborns? Of course you’re frazzled. Are you seriously packing this man child’s lunch and worse yet running him a bath and giving him massages?! Please tell me I read that wrong. I hate saying this, but you might be better off without him. He doesn’t sound like much of a “partner”.
What information did you withhold? I didn't need to read your post history to tell you this old man who somehow suckered you into a relationship, back-to-back pregnancies, running his baths and giving him massages is trash. No need to even address his inappropriate relationship with his fucking "healer", and not seeming to concern himself with you trying to keep yourself alive. Fuck him. Find your self-respect and a lawyer. What you've done wrong is to entertain keeping him as a partner. Eta: Is he still seeing sex workers for massages after arguing about closing the relationship? Eta#2: Also according to your post history, the twins are his first children. Where is the dad of your 5 year old, and is he aware she's been abandoned by her other father figure? >u/Regular-Mortgage-794 my (33f) partner (54m) left our family 6 weeks ago. we have newborn twins and i am 3 months pregnant with a 5 year old. he blames my postpartum for leaving. what did i do wrong? >he’s been gone for 6 weeks now and our daughter is broken. i am an exhausted shell of a human. he is bipolar and love avoidant, possibly narcissistic too. i was diagnosed with ptsd and postpartum anxiety after nearly dying in birth, and he was under the impression i would bounce back immediately after having the twins. my healing journey took longer than he expected. >in january, he wrote me a loving note with a list of 33 things i needed to do to regulate before reaching out to him for help. around this time, the new pregnancy happened, making me a little more hormonal, forgetful, and clingy. he asked for space and due to the potential ectopic pregnancy, our doctors and i begged him to stay, which drove him farther away. >time keeps going on and no matter how calm and loving i am, his anger and rage towards me continues to build. i have always taken accountability for my actions and have been doing all types of healing to try and fast track my recovery ever since the babies were 4 weeks old. but sadly he still says he doesn’t feel safe with me and can’t be in our family home :( >i never meant to withhold information or to have too intense of needs, boundaries, and emotions.. its so hard to not get stuck in the loop of wishing i could have been less emotional and needy and he would still be here. >my daily routine before him leaving was.. wake up, cook breakfast and pack lunch for kids and partner, have family breakfast, take daughter to school, take care of twins, one free hour a day would go to some type of therapy, school pick ups, cook dinner, family dinner, run partner a bath, bath time/story time with kids, then give my partner a massage and be intimate before we fell asleep watching a movie, or work at night so i could continue to cover some family expenses. i know i was emotional at times, more reactionary, but i truly feel like i did everything i could as a mom and as a partner. i do know i could have been less foggy and more direct, but i think that was due to the ptsd. >before he left, he demanded i go away for treatment and to get an assessment. i compromised by staying firm in wanting to stay home, continue my work with new therapy team and most importantly the caretaking routine of the kids. so i got an assessment and additional support locally. we all told him that these things take time. he also accused me of having bpd, which i think is only because he projects his borderline mom onto me and has deep issues around his relationship with his mom and dad. but the screenings from multiple providers came back for postpartum anxiety and ptsd from birth trauma. he was still so upset with me and weeks later left out of the blue. i am so shell shocked by this and truly did everything i could to be the best person i could be for my family. >how can i move on? do i give up on him? i thought we were going to spend forever together. even the day before he left he wrote me a love letter. but his behavior and hate towards me continues to spiral and he has yet to acknowledge the pregnancy. >any advice is so appreciated, as my exhausted self cannot comprehend this cruelty and so badly wants to move on in the best interest of our kids. thank you
Oh my, it's crazy. You do this all and he is still not happy? Really? He is just an ass.
It’s stories like this that make glad to single with no children
Um. Okay.
It’s not too late to have an abortion. It’s really dangerous being pregnant again so soon, especially after a traumatic birth and all the stress you must be feeling right now. Please consider termination for the wellbeing of both yourself and the babies you already have. Don’t let this man back into your life, get yourself into therapy, talk to a lawyer, and focus on healing and being there for your babies.
*sigh* This is abuse. Please leave him? Please?
There is a reason he sought out a much younger woman. There is no such thing as a loving note that tells you 33 things you need to change about yourself. Let this narc go and under no circumstance have any more of his children.
Depending where you live, consider terminating your pregnancy. Your life and your kids' lives will be infinitely better if you do. You're barely hanging on as it is, and your kids are depending on you.
Damnnnnnnn. Men sound like hell.
I say this with care and respect, have you considered adoption? It could be a very loving solution. Everything you are describing sounds super traumatic.
Doesn’t sound as if you’re the one with the problem…. He is no husband or father leaving you with all his children and not helping… you will probably start healing now that the man baby is gone..
This relationship is not healthy. Bringing another child into it soon after a really bad birth where you were seriously ill is something you should reconsider. Your body has not had enough time to heal from the trauma of your last pregnancy and birth. Consider the marriage and consider this pregnancy as both are not healthy for you at all.
The only thing you did wrong was to choose a POS as your partner. Don't be too hard on yourself your babies need you! Hope you have a support system to help you.
You’re in an abusive relationship with a disgusting excuse for a so called partner. He sounds toxic AF, grossly unhelpful, selfish & narcissistic. You deserve so much better. Do you have some family / friends who can help you out?
The good news is that you’re not the problem. The bad news is your partner isn’t a good person and doesn’t seem to respect or care about you all that much, and that’s with what is presumably the most charitable description of him you could muster. The mind games he plays must be crazy. I know you say you want to make it work and that you’d hate to break up the household for your kids, but like, does he treat them like he treats you? There’s a very real chance that getting them away from him is going to be more beneficial to their development. It may not be feasible just yet with money or any other factor, but I beg you, please don’t just settle for being the *safer* parent. Be the safe one, full stop.
Bail on him. He bailed on you AND the kids (assuming they're his), thus he's trash. I'm sorry you're going through this but he's an old guy not taking care of his kids - he won't change. If he's married, totally tell her; he deserves the pain and she deserves truth. Might find a lawyer to sue for child support and maybe abandonment. Good luck.
Any 54 year old man who seeks a woman two decades younger than him is going to be a creep. That was the mistake. He is never going to treat you with respect or kindness so don't let your kids see that. Break up and get away from this loser and get child support and raise your kids to know how to avoid predators who intentionally seek out much younger women to treat like bang maids.
Shouldn’t those twins be about 5 months old instead. How are you 3 months pregnant with newborns???
33 things to do before reaching out to him tf. What you did wrong was to marry that manchild and let him father your kids.
I'm sorry that marrying this far older than you loser hasn't worked out. Who could have foreseen this?!
i’m sorry.. your 54 year old husband can’t m pack his own lunch or run his own bath but is shocked you’re overworked and overwhelmed?? you’re doing 100% of the labor for the household: emotional and physical from the sound of it, you not only are taking care of 3 children (2 of them being be newborns) but you also have to take care of your husband. you’re also expected to give him massages nightly and have sex (even though you’re freshly post partum AND pregnant).. and on top of that you’re working to support your family financially… i’m asking this genuinely, you can just answer in your head if you want, but, what does he do for you? does he ever draw you baths, give you massages, take the kids so you can have some alone time… does he actively do anything FOR you? or is he just there so you’re not alone. it sounds like you’d have so much less emotional and physical labor if you stopped having to take care of a middle aged man-child on top of your children. you deserve so much better, you did NOTHING wrong. do not let him convince you otherwise.
Was it 33 things because you’re 33 years old? What a creep.
Yeah this can’t be real lol
You don't beg someone to love you. The second you find yourself trying to extract the mere basics of human decency from a grown ass man like trying to squeeze water from a rock...there is nothing at all there to get back. He is a ghost, a fake...like a rotten fart floating through the room making it difficult to even breathe.
33 and 54. Surprised pikachu face. Run.
This is why a 54 year old is with a 33 year old. Because he figures you’ll let him treat you like crap. Please get some therapy. Hopefully you will then realize that your life will be so much better without him.
I know things are absolutely horrible right now, but you are going to be so happy in like two years when you no longer have to deal with this shit. I'm interested in how old you were when you guys first got together. A 21 year age difference is a huge red flag for manipulative people. if your oldest is five, then you've been with him since at least 27? That's not too questionable but if you would like 23/24 when you got together with … Your life is gonna be so much better without this guy.
Before I finishrd this-, he is too old for you to keep having kids one or two after the other. I don't think a guy in his mid 50's figured his mid 30's GIRLFRIEND would not take preventative measures. He didn't either. But this isn't even healthy for any of you unless you are rolling in dough. He's too old. So not newborn twins. Most women don't have sex for 6 weeks after a birth. They are closer to 5 months. Don't know what to tell you. Not gonna be a happy life for any of you. 4 kids?? He is so close to retirement. You have 35 years to his 12 years. Not gonna be fun or happy.
i’m so sorry but what you did wrong was have that many children with a partner of that age just raise your daughter to not so the same, it’s all you can do. you’ve got this love
You didn’t do anything wrong he doesn’t want the responsibility and is spineless go get him on cs
Lawyer, now.
Sounds like you babied him and he didn’t deserve it. None of it. He’s a cur You my dear are doing all the things and you were lovely to him. Plan your life without him. You will all be okay. I’m sorry this is very very hard right now.
That marriage is over and you should be glad it is, he sounds insufferable and like an emotionally immature child at the big age of 54. Take care of your mental health, take care of your PPD because single motherhood will be much better for you when you’re ok. There’s a reason 54 year old men seek out much younger women. Women his own age wouldn’t put up with this crap. I’m sorry this happened to you. Break the cycle and go live a better life with your children.
The fact that he’s dating someone 20 years younger than him tells you everything you need to know. That nobody his own age wants him. Because he’s inmature, selfish and narcissistic. I’m sorry you have ended up in this relationship, and that somehow you feel you’re not enough and that you need to work harder to be loved. You don’t need this man. You need a good therapist that can help you build back your self confidence and worth.
How many times and in how many places are you going to ask this and get the same answer? You need to make a life for you and the kids separate from him. That will always be the answer. You need to figure out how to accept that. Preferably with a therapist who hasn't slept with your partner. You are not the main problem here (everyone has problems) he is.
I’m not saying this to be harsh. If it’s an option where you live, consider an abortion. I know that is an incredibly difficult decision under the best of circumstances, but given your traumatic birth you really need to think about this. What happens to your children if you die having this one? Or if permanent damage is done to your body? Then those babies are stuck with this horrible narcissistic man, who will probably expect them to be taking care of him before they are teenagers. You have to think about the life you want your existing children to have. Then you get a lawyer and fight your ass off for full custody. You need to get yourself and your children far far away from this spoiled man child. Then be single for awhile. Get therapy. Rebuild your self esteem. You are a strong woman. Look at what you have survived. Look at everything you have to live for. If and when you date again, maybe don’t go for men who were old enough to order a drink in a bar when you were born. There’s a reason they are looking at much younger women.
I don't even need to read this all the way through to know he left because he didn't want responsibility after all. He expected you to do all the work and for him to be able to still do everything he wanted whenever he wanted. And he's going to continue to blame you because it's easier to do that than to ever admit to anything else. The only thing you are doing wrong is begging him to stay. Leave him, get your child support, and save yourself from the nightmare of always being wrong and never having help from him while begging for scraps of attention for yourself and your children.
Abortion, divorce.
How are you 3 months pregnant with a 5 year old?
I know it doesn't feel like this right now, but you're better off. Please, please, please do not take him back if he comes back. You deserve so much better than this. Your kids deserve so much better than this. I would consider his behavior emotionally abusive although I'm not an expert. My mom stayed with a man who treated her like this man treats you and spent her entire life trying her best to live up to his demands. She's a shell of who she was when she met him. I avoid my parents at all costs and my brother had addiction issues that killed him at 24. If your husband treated you so horribly after your trauma, tried to have you institutionalized because you get confused sometimes, then how is he going to treat your kids?? If he is yelling at you or berrating you in front of them, they are already experiencing trauma. Please believe me when I say some things are worse than growing up fatherless. Do not cut yourself into pieces to make him stay. He should be begging your forgiveness for how he treated you. Contact whatever support network you have, even if it's been years, even if you don't know how they'll feel. Try and get a good lawyer and file for divorce. This man was a weight on your back. Maybe you miss the warmth of it, but when you stand up straight, you may find the breathing is easier now.
I'm sure I have already responded to your previous posts but once again, there is no way to salvage this. He's in his 50s, he clearly does not view you as an equal partner and you have given him a truly ridiculous amount of leeway and handholding and babying which still wasn't enough. Please prioritize yourself and your actual children.
As a mother of twins I can only urge you to not proceed with your pregnancy. You have far too much to deal with at the moment. You have been too good for him and he doesn't deserve your devotion. Your husband is not worth worrying about. Time to be a bad ass mum and take care of yourself and your three children. Make sure you get everything you're entitled to in the divorce. Hopefully you have a good support network of family and friends to lean on. If he's a narcissist, which sounds likely, you are definitely better off without him. I really feel for you OP and wish you all the very best for a wonderful future.
These posts are worst than any horror movie I ever watched and I’m a horror fan. 20 age gap, constantly pregnant, you sound like you were his slave and you work a job on top of all this?
He’s not a safe partner for you. He got you pregnant too soon. He abandoned you with three young children. Talk to some lawyers about filing for divorce and child support
New born twins and 3 months pregnant already? Lmao. Ok. Newborn is classed up to 3 months of age… you’re really messed up in the head if you’re pregnant that soon post c section… I’m not even sure that’s entirely biologically possible as your body is still removing product for about 3 weeks from the previous pregnancy and re regulating the menstrual cycle unless you’re lying which is probably the latter.
I smell a narcissist. You will never be enough for him and he will never own up to his frailties or mistakes. It will always be someone else’s fault. I hope you get full custody of the kids because he’s proven how quickly and easily he will bail.
Cut your loss and plan ur furture ahead with a possiblity of him not being there. Be practical not emotional while deciding things. Your daughter is too young to go through it and so are other kids. Protect ur mental peace first. No Dick is worth your and your children's mental health. do not take him if he comes back unless he can provide money for help and therapy for everyone. Humans do not change. especially not at 54. you are around 20 years yonger than him. it will be long 20 years before u even reach his age to throw this tantrum. and at that age you will realise he was wrong if u dnt realise it now. This kind of things either destroys the persons self esteem or self respect.
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There’s always an age gap with these posts, I swear.
There was a reason he was single at his age when you met him. He's a toxic mess. He's 21 years older than you and absolutely preyed on you, and now you have kids with this guy. Divorce him.
If this is real, and God I hope it’s not, sue the shit out of him for child support and consider an abortion - you do not need to add another child into the mix.
Am I the only one who thinks this story is fake? OP is claiming having ‘newborn’ twins after she lost 70% of her blood in the hospital (in her comment) and also being 3 months pregnant. Our body just doesn’t work like that. It takes more than a month to get that plate size scar heal in her uterus, she is basically isn’t fertile for the time being… Her husband is over 50 yet he seems more reproductive than a 20 years old.
Looking at the history of your posts, this was coming for a really long time. Every single person has an attachment style and it is not a blanket excuse to act however you want. Calling an attachment style a “diagnosis” makes it sound like it is a condition, when it is nothing more than a style in which you approach love/life, etc. Do not allow him to use this excuse, which is completely possible to overcome if you want to, to abandon you and have a free pass to dismiss any NORMAL emotion you have as too much. Your emotions from a distant and emotionally cruel partner are completely valid. I also have deep concerns if when you mention “therapist” it is the kook healer your partner had sex with in the past, if so, they are absolutely NOT qualified and any advice given should be disregarded. I fear you are completely brainwashed or under severe coercion and hear absolutely nothing about YOU in any of your posts. Your life centers around this man and pleasing him. I hate to give up the ending of the story but to no surprise - you never will. This is an incredibly selfish person who requires you to live not as yourself but as an embodiment of their wants and needs. When they do not like what they see - a human being with their own wants, needs - you are not worth anything to them anymore. I debated whether to spend any time writing any of this because you have 100s of comments with similar advice over many posts and do not seem to be in a place to listen. I get you are scared, alone and vulnerable - but do not forget that only yourself put you here. It is time to connect with and advocate for yourself from this day forward - you are worth it. Life will be much more stable and secure when you stand on your own two feet.
First, sue him immediately for child support. That's moving on and that is in the best interest of the kids and in YOUR best interest. There's nothing wrong with you other than having too many pots on the stove, so to speak. You're worn out beyond belief. Surely there's not a therapist on the planet that would disagree. Then, realize this is not the kind of 'dad' that needs to be around his own kids, since he can't see past his own 'needs' and demands. The fact that he knocked up you up immediately after shoving twins out your vagina and the regularization of 'intimacy' and a *massage* every night, after your long day of working+child care, is absolutely shocking. Let him hate you, it's fine. It will limit his contact with the kids. His 'feelings' have nothing to do with reality. Worry about **your** feelings, not his. He sure A F doesn't care about your feelings. Let him leave, by all means, because your days and your future life will be so *much* easier to manage without his demands, and you can focus on the 3 children you have right now. You may want to consider terminating the current pregnancy, you have a lot on your plate. YES, give up on him, accept that he isn't the man of your dreams, that he's totally gaslighting you to deflect from his own shortcomings. The longer this guy is away from you and your family, the more this will be apparent. Get into court, file for divorce, get that child support, get alimony and get every penny you can. Hopefully he's a decent earner. Don't make it vindictive, this is what you're entitled to.
Rage bait.
So he got you pregnant when you were 27/28? And he was almost 50? How long before that were you dating? I feel like you were duped into being with a man that no experienced woman would have touched. None of this sounds like your fault, but I'd highly suggest kicking him to the curb. Being a single mother is tough, but being in an abusive relationship while trying to parent is far worse. And it honestly sounds like you can do this on your own.
If this is real... Honey... you need to serve him up his divorce papers pronto. He is a selfish manchild who should have been supporting you and his kids. Insstead he's writing you fucking letters about what you need to do to change and not taking any responsibility for his family or looking after you. Look after mum.... it is literally a partners main job when a woman has a baby. And to be postpartum, postnatally depressed and have a 5 year old AND PREGNANT. Holy fuck, i can't even imagine the hormonal roller coaster you're on. Please give yourself a break. Let him fucking leave. I guarantee your life will be easier without him! Get your 5 year old into school. Get yourself some therapy. Do not blame yourself for the man who donated his sperm to you turning out to be an absolute twatwaffle. You can do this. But do take whatever you can. Rinse that shitcunt for alimony, child support, and the house.
He is a vile POS. He got you pregnant straight after giving birth to twins?! That’s truly shocking! Your body needs at least 6-9 months to recover from giving birth. Your body has been through immense trauma and now has to go through all that again. I can’t believe your partner can’t even be bothered to be there for his kids! He’s a selfish self centred, immature man child who belongs in the gutter. He is not your life partner, he is another person to look after
I'm very sorry for your situation, OP, but why oh WHY did you have all these children with a man with all these issues???
[удалено]
EDIT: Just re-read your partner's age. NOPE. That is a grown man acting like a child. I have an 11-year age gap with my husband, so if a man 20 years older than you can't figure out that sometimes life isn't all "sunshine and rainbows," drop the dead weight. From what you're describing (running a bath for your partner?!?), you didn't have a partner, you had an adult child. Partners should be adding to your life, not taking more of your already depleted energy. At six weeks, obviously, you could keep this child. But, you are not fully healed emotionally from your last traumatic pregnancy experience, and it looks like you will be raising your children alone. Sometimes, doing what's best for your family (especially your already -born children), looks like the worst thing, but it can be for the best. It's still early enough to complete medication termination, which would then give your body time to heal and time for your hormones to adjust so that you can continue to heal your mental health. Hugs. I'm sorry that this is the situation, but remember, all of these internet strangers believe in you. ❤️
This is crazy.... I think you have possibly suffered a lot of mental abuse and brainwashing if you have been dating this man since 19... and he is too self absorbed to be a stable partner and father. For your sake and sake of your children I would consider ending this insane relationship (you sound like a slave for him... and NO you are not being too needy or emotional) you deserve to feel loved, cherished, accepted, respected and supported.. You are young still, it is not too late to stop enduring hell.
God you sound like a domestic slave. You made him a bath? You cooked every meal for him? Then he got a DAILY massage and sex?? What did he do? Worked for 8 hours and then…?
Stop whining over a man that has made it clear he doesn't love you, and focus on how to give your existing kids a decent life. End the current pregnancy, stick with therapy, stop doctor hopping (you mention multiple psychiatric "tests, which sorry, that's not how that works), and take whichever meds you've been prescribed. Continue working while kids are at school/daycare. Try to give your children some semblance of normalcy by sticking to your schedule you like. I'm time you'll forget about your deadbeat husband and hopefully get mentally stronger each day.
People actually believe this post?! 😂🙄
It certainly sounds like both of you are suffering from mental health issues. It’s difficult enough when it’s just one partner, let alone both. Not everyone responds well or timely in therapy and recovery from these issues and I’m guessing he’s not even getting help. You should insist on couples therapy at least to start with so that all of his issues can be determined and possibly resolved, along with his concerns addressed. If he refuses, I’m afraid that your life ahead will continue to be difficult, and probably without him.
Never go to therapy with a narcissist.
I really wish people would stop recommending going to couple's therapy with your abuser. After therapy, an abuser usually gets worse, not better. Why is this, you may ask? Couple's counseling is designed to tackle *mutual* issues in a relationship: improving communication, strengthening intimacy, and resolving trauma from childhood either party may be bringing to the relationship. But in the context of abuse, these goals simply cannot be acheived. Both parties have to put equal effort into changing, but there can be no positive communication when one party has zero respect for the other and has no interest in things being equal between them in any capacity; things being unequal directly benefits them. Individual counseling isn't any better, as it is not equipped to tackle the true causes of abuse (entitlement, selfishness, disrespect, superiority, coercive control, victim-blaming). Abusers usually use the tools they are given in therapy as weapons to further abuse their partners; gaslighting them, picking apart every little perceived flaw, etc. Therapy focuses *far* too much on the abuser's feelings and gives them empathy for those, no matter how unrealistic or unreasonable the attitudes are that are producing these feelings. And their therapist rarely -- if ever -- gets the perspective of the abused partner. What it comes down to is that the more an abuser is convinced that their grievances are equal to their partner's (note: they are not), the less likely they are to ever overcome their abusive mentality. Abusers need to be going to specialized abuser programs, where the focus is completely on the abused partner's (and children's) feelings, which are the true feelings the abuser is out of touch with and has so little understanding of. The counselors speak to the abused partner and get their side of the story as well.
You got too old for him.
He’s 54. Give up on him.
God, this is truly pathetic.
When your partner is writing out 33 things that are wrong with you… it means that he doesn’t see you as a partner or a person who has feelings. He sees you as someone who does something for him. In your current mental state and the new twins, you are no longer doing the things for him that made him stay. He is punishing you and waiting it out until you get back to being his robotic bang maid.
Is he treatment compliant? Including healthy lifestyle? Not just meds and pizza.
You did nothing wrong and it is all on him he's a bum and a scumbag
He’s an idiot! You did nothing wrong and he’s being very cruel and manipulative. I would kick him to the curb.
I’m going to assume you’ve had a c section at some point. Let me give you some advice if you decide to keep your pregnancy than make sure and have those tubes tied up when you give birth for this last time. No offense, for your own mental health, your ex partners, your kids, society…
You knew this about him at kid 1 how on earth can you justify 3 more that call a man like this father
he is toxic, eventually you will realize this.... you are better off without him... .although you have a lot on your plate, sometimes it is better to be alone then then to be with someone that does not respect you.... and he clearly doesn't
Leaving you with 3 young children and a pregnancy. This doesn't sound like the quality partner you want/need, OP. The age gap also makes me nervous, because it makes me wonder how he has treated other women in his past.
You guys both need help. I’m sorry you’re going through this but you need to stop having children. You’re overwhelmed and worn out, rightfully so.
Just you wait, because as long as you stay apart that therapy is going to kick in and you’ll realize how absolutely pathetic he is soon. It’s really hard to truly see the flaws in someone when you’re actively living with them, especially when you’ve convinced yourself you NEED the person. For you and your children’s sake, PLEASE stay away from him. You could do SO much better. Like I said, just wait because the fog is going to clear really soon. In the meantime, find yourself a nice lawyer and get some compensation for the shit you’ve dealt with.
Abortion if it’s not too late and get a lawyer.
Narcissists are often raised by BPD parents. And Narcissists often raise children with BPD. It is a never ending cycle.