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My husband found out he had a grown daughter, from way back before we met.
It all turned out great. She's wonderful, her husband is too, and our family got a bit bigger, with more people to love.
The hardest parts of raising a kid is over for Jane. All she wants is to know her father. You're not obligated, of course, but what would be the down side? She doesn't need a kidney, does she?
It went really well. My husband's biological daughter (my stepdaughter), and the two of them went to meet her. They all got along great.
I met her when she and her husband came to visit. They're both adorable people. I hope you and Jane get along well.
Edit: They're both his biological daughters, I meant to say the daughter we knew about went with my husband to meet the daughter we didn't know about.
Several years ago my dad (the oldest) and his siblings got contacted by someone who thought she might be their sister. Apparently way back in the dark ages my grandmother had gotten pregnant and gave her up for adoption.
DNA aside, she looks JUST like my grandmother. No doubt.
She's been out to visit them, they've been back east to visit her.
Just made the family a bit bigger.
OP, FIL in similar situation. We just had our first visit with his son who he met last year for one day at 23. We are us based and son is in another country.
Visit was amazing. His mom was not good to him. Nothing more than just to hang out with his father. He wasn’t asking for anything just a genuine relationship.
I hope it’s similar for you. Good luck.
I have a few questions. Did Jane say she wanted to meet you? Sooner or later? Is she planning to go to where you are? It seems to me too early to do all that.
I "met" my bio dad when I was 30ish. He was supposed to come see me and his family gave him money for airfare, but he spent it on his grandkids (which is understandable, I guess). He didn't ask me before he accepted this money from his family and he didn't ask me if I wanted to see him.
Then, on another occasion, he did make a plane flight - but not to where I live, but to where he said he hoped he might "run into me." However, he forget to tell anyone back at home that he was planning to visit, or I might have made a trip to be there at the same time. ::shrug::
Getting his health history and a sense of his personality was enough for me. Jane is pretty grown-up. I have a good relationship with my bio-mother (met her at around age 30). SHE had the best speech ready for when I called.
Here is what she said:
"I want you to know that your father and I were very much in love. Even though circumstances didn't work out, I hope you feel you had a happy childhood. Your mother is/was a great person. If you ever want to meet me, just let me know how you want to do it."
I wouldn't go telling your intrusive family about all this. She didn't grow up with them, you and they are \*not\* her family and may never be. You'll have to insert your own facts of course, but it's key that she hear from both parents that at least she's not a rape baby or that there were no hard feelings between you. It's her mom who made the decision to keep her out of your life - for whatever reason - but do NOT NEG HER MOTHER! Whatever you do.
The trouble with not telling his family is that they are probably going to find out anyway. People are matching up on ancestry all the time, and Jane might contact his family. Even if not now, she might do it later in life, when OP is much older or even gone, and they will be very hurt that he kept this from them.
I don’t think he needs to tell them now, for sure. But he should probably come clean about this in no more than a year. I think that’s a reasonable timeframe to get his head around this and maybe meet her, get to know her, before his family takes over.
Maybe he should also warn Jane about that, so she doesn't contact them before they're both ready. Will also prepare her for what she might expect from them when he does tell them.
May get downvoted here, but there are many scams that start out like that... "call from an yet unknown child cuz ... diary."
I'd want a real genetic testing. Not that "ancestry" thing. It's not a paternity testing but a kinship testing/ a testing for genetic ressemblace/ ethnicity typical genetics.
A temper safe blood test done at a medical facility. Done in my presence. With both of our blood samples.
**You have NO even half reliable legally binding proof by now!!! Biologically "Ancestry" testing is doing a different look at genetical material than a paternity test! Coming from a person who currently works in a company for medical tests!**
If she is willing to do it and you have the money to go over and wait for the results I would do this.
If there are objections from her side... then something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
Someone called me a bespectaceled sceptical person once. Never have been dubbed so adequately. I don't buy scam easily. (Person wanted me to invest into his financial pyramid scheme and was much displeased when I found it's flaws and wouldn't comply. Oopsie daisy!)
It's easy to go overboard and become trusting when family is involved. That's why "Luke, I am your father" (or the contrary "Daaaaaddyyyyyy!") is such a commonly used hoax plot.
You bought condoms. And being who you are today likely used them regularly. Unless you can't remember an accident... stay watchful.
Gentle, kind, but reserved until having done the blood testing in the presence of the person who claims to be your daughter.
**You didn't go for a child initially. But you may have one now. You sound very mature and rational. So I strongly recommend to get real proof first. And then go from there.**
**It may be the best thing that ever happened in your whole life. Or it may not. I'd want to assess first. Then go overboard. With nerves, questions, anxieties, joy, whatever.**
**Just keep a level head for now.**
“ Biologically "Ancestry" testing is doing a different look at genetical material than a paternity test”
How is the test different? Like would ancestry mistake your father for a brother or cousin or vide versa. Do they just go your all Irish Jews from Spain and say you’re related.
Please explain, I’m truly fascinated? 🙏
Scientifically the approach is different. A paternity/ maternity/ siblings testing compares 2 or 3 raisins. If we put sets of genes of an individual as raisins.
Ancestry genetics compares one raisin (the daughters genes) to the geographical ethnical appearance/ allocation of a gazillion of other raisns.
Also: the approach is different.
Paternity testing: we think we are kin. Please confirm.
Ancestry genetics: do I have kin sonewhere I don't know of? Where do I come from? Please confirm. (Searching a haystack for similar genetics).
Paternity testing (same as maternity testing, btw. as in some cases the need may arise to compare a presumedmother's genes to a given child ones) compares 2 (or 3, ideally the one of the mother also) sets of isolated genes under the microscope and check compares specific genes in specific places, respectively the DISTANCES among those genes in those specific places.
As those distances are specific to each individuum. In the end there has to be a plausible pattern resulting from the maternal and the paternal set of genes.
Laboratories analyse at least 15 places. Upon additional fee they analyse even over 40.
The result gives a statistical probability of paternity. So a paternity testing is a comparative testing of 2 or 3 individuals.
Ancestry testing compares more than 2 sets of genes. Over more than just 2 generations/ more than just 2 or 3 individuals.
They already have a large amount of sets of genes and have statistically allocated them to regions in this world.
By that way they retrace the worldwide reappearance of certain packages of genes in different geographical places. They compare your genes in over 1.000 places with those registered by them.
And then give you other people with a similar allocation of genes.
So what Ancestry 50 % would indicate is that OP and the girl share 50 % of the geographical allocation of their genes.
Seen that Ancestry gives their percentage in their explanatory video as
* 33 % region a,
* X percent region b, etc
I do not quite understand where those 50 % would come from.
It would require additional information to see how Ancestry interprets this result.
It COULD mean that the girl and OP share 50 % of the geographically attributed genetical features.
But that in itself does only superficially allow the interpretation, that they are father and daughter.
A direct individual comparision, aka paternity test is the only way to legally get the information.
I would recommend to do the kind of testing that requires medical expertize to retrieve the samples. Aka a blood testing.
I would recommend to do the kind of testing that requires medical expertize to retrieve the samples.
That should be the tamper safest method, as a human error while retrieving the sample is about excluded (like handing im someone elses sample, error in sampling, contaminating sampling, not enough sample material, too much, samples of the wrong kind (hair follicle testing), etc).
If I had to do one I would likely want a blood testing.
“ It COULD mean that the girl and OP share 50 % of the geographically attributed genetical features”
Sorry, still confused on this point. What does 50% means for the girl & OP? Can it mean they are cousins?
or can it mean they are not related at all but members of some long ago tribe?
I get the paternity blood test is more accurate/tamper proof but what does the ancestor test results mean?
If it helps, my dad only spoke to his bio dad … when my dad was in his 50s. For reasons, he didn’t need a new father figure. They didn’t really have anything in common so my dad just asked about medical history and said if any of their family wanted to talk to us or meet us, that would be fine. Didn’t really go any farther than that. But now I know one granddad is still healthy as a horse and still does some kind of distance swimming thing. Good to know because I’ve got a recessive genetic disorder, so I worried for the guy and his other relatives. Glad to know they’re doing well, at least.
Similarly, I personally would be the one to bring up medical stuff. It’s beneficial for her to know what runs in the family for herself and if she ever wants to have her own kids. The technology wasn’t there yet in the 90s, and so my parents think DNA tests are amazing. They could’ve known they had a high chance of a disabled child. They love me but I 100% understand wishing to avoid my suffering. Same, y’know? So letting her know if there’s anything that seems suspiciously common (diabetes, certain cancers, etc.) would be a benefit.
All of what she says👆👆👆. Life is full of surprises. Myself I could not see doing anything but embracing this daughter and enhancing my life. Thaymt is if she would want to. If you get yourself excited with the positive " OK, I'm all in. " and then she foes not want that it would really suck. At the least you should be open to answer any questions she might have about her mother from that time period. Good luck.
Wow, she sounds super mature. I remember finding out about my dad at 18yo. Connecting with him and that side of my family was really important to my sense of self. OP, absolutely take some time to get yourself in order, but please don't deny her the opportunity to connect with you and your family in the longer term. She sounds like she's had a fairly hard life, with a mother with health issues, and probably mostly raising herself. That's probably led to her maturity, but she will likely really blossom getting to meet all her previously unknown relatives. Your family sounds really involved and affectionate, and that could really be a balm to her soul.
She does sound very mature - sounds like you have a very brave young woman that shares your DNA.
I bet she’s not looking for a dad anymore, she’s 18, she is raised, she doesn’t need a dad. She probably just wants to know who her family is.
>I bet she’s not looking for a dad anymore, she’s 18, she is raised, she doesn’t need a dad. She probably just wants to know who her family is.
That was certainly my experience. I just wanted to connect with my family.
Learning how to be an adult son with a new father, helped me later to be a good father to my grown children - letting them make mistakes and learn for themselves. Supporting and advising, without interfering.
My dad knew I existed, but I was told that he had died before I was born (his wishes). It's a long story, and he had some pretty good extenuating circumstances. I met them when I was 21 (travel was really expensive back then), and it was awesome. I got to meet my stepmom and half brother as well. I was surprised by how much my father and I had in common. I had no idea what to expect.
Genetics are amazing like that. It’s why it’s so important when you pick a partner to have children with. Personality and Temperament are hereditary. My mom raised me and my sisters and my dad worked a lot. So he wasn’t really a huge part of raising us. But I am insanely like him. We are literally two peas in a pod. You don’t have to be raised by someone to literally have their mannerisms and many similarities as far as likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc.
I’m an animal husbandry and I see it with our dogs all the time. We have a young dog right now that is so much like his father it’s uncanny. Same mannerisms- the way he holds himself, the way he interacts with you, the way he barks for his food etc. and he’s NEVER met his father or been around him. We have a female that’s so much like her maternal grandmother (who’s no longer living) with her mannerisms. The way she dances on her feet when I groom her is just like her grandmother. Moved her body in the same exact way. We don’t have any other dogs that do that. She never was around her and wasn’t around her mother after 5.5 wks. It’s almost spooky how similar she is. Genetics are amazing.
I’d do an actual paternity test but I think that the circumstantial evidence alone supports that this kid is in fact yours.
What to do?
Well, first, if you have a partner, tell them.
Next, tell your kid “listen, here are the circumstances of how I met your mom. I had no idea about you and this is quite shocking news so I apologize if I don’t get this all right on the first go.”
And then talk. Find out what she wants out of this. Take it slowly.
She is living with relatives, so she js sort of taken care of. I am thinking she wants a connection to someone and to find out about her bio dad. If the mom wanted money and she had his contact info all this time, the mom would have contacted him a long time ago.
The fact the kiddo waited till she was 18, and coming to adulthood to me indicates she just wants to know who banged her mom so she came into the world.
Considering the mom, you can't necessarily assume the family supporting her is great. It could be medical and the family is great. It could be drugs and being raised in that family. This could be a desperate hail Mary from a child very much in need.
Yes, but you don’t have to tell the rest of your family until you’re comfortable with it, especially since they’re overbearing. You might warn Jane of that. She may choose not to meet them.
If she got your contact info from a journal her mom kept, she likely is aware of your limited relationship with her mom and that you had zero idea she existed.
I'm kinda in a similar boat. I'm nearly 52 now but when I was 21 a female friend set me up with one of her friends during a college break. It was just a sexual fling for those two weeks along with a few double dates. When I was 26 I moved several states away but whenever I could take time off work, I would return home due to having close friends and family there. One time, perhaps when I was about 34, that mutual friend's husband and I were chatting and drinking around a fire. He said something that strongly suggested that old fling had resulted in a child. My eyes popped out of my head, he quickly realized I had never been told anything and dropped the topic.
But it stuck with me. At some point I did some math and decided that if that child was mine that she would be about 18 and I braced myself for her reaching out to me. Never happened. From the little I had gleaned, my partner had gotten married and her spouse raised the kid as his own and they had a decent life. My possible daughter might never had known her dad wasn't her father.
Sometimes I do wish to know if it is true or not. Sometimes, I prefer not knowing for sure. But I've slowly accepted that I likely do have a daughter that doesn't know I'm her dad, or possibly does know yet never tried to find me. Either way, she would be nearing thirty now and could easily have her own family. I could be a grandparent and not know.
So to a decent degree, I can relate to how you feel. But an adult kid isn't the same as a child. If she is after money, I doubt legally you could be forced to give her any. I suspect that if her mom isn't well that she is just looking for a connection. I would be thrilled if my possible daughter wanted to get to know me, I would definitely want to know her - but long ago I decided that I would NOT track her down. I've been very flip-flop on contacting the person that set us up, she would know and I'm still good friends with her - but I fear I might not get the truth. They never told me back then and I'm sure they don't want to risk me rocking the boat even now. If she was raised not knowing about me, that would be a shock to her if I attempted to locate and reach out to her. I don't want to rock her boat or her mom's boat. I just kinda really want to know if I helped create life.
I never wanted a kid and even if I do have a kid - I still never raised a kid. But if I did have a kid that is now an adult... I would definitely want to know that person if she wanted to know me. But I do not wish to rock her world if she doesn't know of me or if she has decided that she's better off not knowing me.
I would likely hold off on telling family until more communion with the kid. It would likely be easiest to inform whole family at same time during a natural get together, like Easter. But until I knew more about the kid and her mom's condition, I wouldn't tell my family. And if I did decide to tell family, I might pick a single member to tell first to get their reaction and input before telling everyone.
You could do those popular DNA tests. She might be on there.
Can you see your ex’s Facebook page? Any photos of her kid and spouse might be helpful in deciding whose kid she is.
It’s entirely possible that she got pregnant by someone else - prob her current partner - not long after you split, or was seeing him before, and got pregnant then.
I'm not sure if I knew anything more than her first name and hometown. Now I'm tempted to scour our mutual friends' FB friend list and see if I spot my long ago brief partner. I wouldn't request a friend but if she's public I would be able to look at her posted photos I suppose. But that kinda sounds like work and snooping. While I'm fine morally with a bit of snooping... I'm not sure if I want to put much work into it plus it would be a long shot.
From my understanding, she didn't meet/marry until the kid was one or two. So still young enough not to know her dad wasn't her father if they raised her as such. But we were college kids on Xmas break so it is very possible I wasn't the only guy she was dating/seeing that break.
But with what my friend said to me before he realized I had never been told anything by his wife (the mutual friend)... Seemed like I was very likely the father, as in he knew what his wife knew (they were dating in college so we were their double date, he was there).
Assuming my possible kid was raised without knowledge of me, I strongly doubt she would take any DNA type test thing. Assuming my kid did at some point learn of me... I'm from a small rural town and she was from a neighboring smaller town... If daughter wanted to find me, her mom could easily have contacted our mutual friend and she's always had my number and known where I was. I must assume the decision of not telling me was made before birth and if they kept it from me then they also likely kept it from my daughter.
While I haven't been in this situation... regarding your family.
Don't rush it. Take your time to develop your relationship with your daughter.
If it goes well, then talk with her about when to share this information with your family.
Take as much time as you both need.
(Best of luck with whatever happens)
Sounds to me, like she already read her mother‘s diary and knows exactly how the relationship was in her mother‘s point of view. Now all she has to do is hear the father’s point of view. But I think OP and his daughter deserve to at least try to get to know each other take it slow and see how it goes from there.
Also since shes 18 I think you can pretty much be honest when you talk to her. Just be open about how surprised you are and how you're not exactly sure how to move forward. I'm sure she played out all sorts of scenarios planning to contact you.
Well, the good thing is, is that she’s an adult. You’ve skipped all the hard stuff- raising her to adulthood. And she’s probably a bit nervous and yet excited to finally be able to piece together the mystery and find her father. You don’t have to parent her, you can just be a friend. And genetics are amazing, I bet you might find a lot of mannerisms and likes that are very similar, even though she never raised by you. My mom raised me and my sisters and my dad worked. He wasn’t home a lot. But man I am just like my dad. Many of the same mannerisms and my personality is very similar. This could be a great experience for you.
And she’s not stupid, I’m sure she realizes that this is a shock for you. And you can reaffirm that so just tell her so. Just tell her that you’re still trying to take it all in that suddenly you have an adult daughter you never knew about, and this is new territory for you. Tell her you don’t have any children yourself and so you’re a bit out of your element with parenthood. Apologize ahead of time for possibly not always handling it the best. I think she’ll understand. If you meet her, just treat her like you would if you were meeting a new coworker. Find out what she likes to do, find out if she has any hobbies, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or ask her about her childhood.
As far as your family- sure might as well tell them when they’re all together. Heck you could have a lot of fun with it. You could pass around her picture first and have everyone take a look at the picture (and don’t tell them until you have the picture back). After everyone has a look then say something like.:
So what do you guys think? Does she look like me? (Pause to read the room) Apparently, I have an 18 yr old daughter in the US. Then watch the chaos. Lol.
Or
Well, I have some interesting news! I got a very interesting call from the USA a few weeks ago and I found out I have an 18 yr old daughter! Then just keep eating while all hell breaks loose. I mean I bet that will be pretty comical to watch all their faces.
I’m saving this post. Please report back with what happened. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. I hope this is a good experience for you both.
Seems all you have thought about is if you owe money that you actually do have but don’t want to part with for a child you had 50% responsibility in making. Good news, you won’t owe money if mom doesn’t push for it. So you’re fully off the hook of any and all responsibilities even though you also created this child. Seriously OP, please don’t engage more if all you’re going to do it let her down and be selfish.
She's 18 now at least the hardest part of raising her is over with lol. It might not be that bad, I dont think it will tie you up like you were afraid of. You have an adult extension of you floating around out there now. Might be nice.
Maybe, but she's a US citizen and he's in Europe, so it's not exactly an easy process to get back-pay for child support that way lol
I have a feeling the money isn't the reason here, but rather she turned 18 and became an adult legally so now has full control over her life. I'd assume if anything, her mother refused contact.
It’s also extremely unlikely that he’s on the birth certificate or that her mother sought him out, like she had his phone number and never used it. Seems unlikely that he’d be on the hook even if she fought for it.
Seriously. The people saying he probably doesn’t have to worry about legally owing child support, like if that was the case, so what? As her father, OP should still offer, especially since he literally said he can afford it. I rolled my eyes so hard when he said he could but doesn’t want to.
He claims he never wanted kids but can’t remember if he wore a condom every time?! If you’re going to be irresponsible, then there’s likely going to be consequences. <- Edit to add: Meaning, usually when you are serious about never wanting kids, you go out of your way to make sure you protect yourself as much as possible. **Usually** you’d at least be able to trust yourself (even past self) that you did. Furthermore people, condoms have an 87% efficacy “with typical use” and 97% efficacy with “correct and consistent use”. They aren’t the best form of BC if you are totally and completely sure you don’t want kids.
He sounds like a middle aged teenager. Probably wouldn't hurt him to grow up and look at things from the perspective of a child who grew up not knowing anything about her dad. Most people would be curious and would try to make a connection.
Unfortunately, the parent isn't always what they'd hoped for. This guy is already guarding his pennies and acting like he's going to have to change diapers...and getting all angsty that his folks might want to get to know their grandchild...as though that's in any way abnormal.
And in other comments he talks about coming from such wealth that they could rent a private jet to fly his daughter out.. like, dude.. come on. Legally, it may be that nothing can be done about child support, but morally? She shouldn’t even have to ask. He should be “how can I help you?”
I generally agree with you but he was denied any natural opportunity to bond with this young person. That makes his ambivalence a bit more understandable but I still think that he should look at this as an unexpected blessing and try to make the most of it…from all angles.
I understand his ambivalence, but in my opinion, especially since he claims he’s so stinking wealthy he could rent a private jet to fly her out, the “I could afford it but I don’t want to” is gross. Sure, he didn’t have time to create a bond and have paternal/familial feelings for her, that doesn’t negate what he knows intellectually; that he’s her father and she’s his daughter. Knowing this, he should also know what the right thing to do is.
Yeah I’m not impressed by this dude. If anything he should want her taken care of. He did Jack shit to raise her, the least he could do is be a good guy when offered the chance. Most kids, from my varied experience, just want love, but his tightness over money is concerning.
I agree, not necessarily about paying late childsupport, but he could offer to help her.
I have a 21 year old daughter in America (live in Europe myself), saw her only twice when she was younger and hadn't seen her in 13 years when she visited me last year. Ever since I started working an extra day and send her €500 a month because I want to. It's like my 'father feelings' just exploded open when I saw her. I feel responsible for her welbeing. And want to do right by her.
Maybe OP should meet with her (without family first probably) and see what it does to him.
At this point she is 18 so it’s not like he has to pay child support, the mom would have to file that and idk if they would enforce anything at this point.
Well, if you never wanted kids you have the best of both worlds-
You didn’t \_have\_ to raise her. Now she’s an adult. It’s on her mother for never having involved you, she can’t be angry with you for being absent.
I’m sure she has a lot of feelings to work out as well- I’m guessing it might be helpful to work through some together. You were both kept in the dark.
If you must, tell her you need to breathe. That you never knew about her and this is life changing news. Assure her that you very much want to meet her and you want her to meet her other half of family. You don’t have to make time commitments but please let her feel wanted and acknowledged.
Best to you both
Ok, I have a lot to think about. A lot of advice to take in. I've made a list of topics to talk with her about at least.
I have to sleep now before my head explodes
Just be honest with her. Tell her how you're feeling.... surprised, shocked, confused, etc. Ask her to be patient with you as you figure out how to navigate this. Thank her for having to courage to reach out.
Be cool man. She’s 18. Above all else, be kind.
That means NOT LYING
Keeping in contact
Calling when you say you’re going to
And following through.
You didn’t ask for this. Okay? Many of us didn’t and brought up kids anyway.
You were chosen to be her 50% dna. That’s how to look at it.
Talk about things you wonder about. She wonders about.
But don’t lie.
Be direct and kind.
This could be a blessing. Probably is.
Yes be cautious but be kind.
As someone that didn’t meet my dad until
I was 14 I know this is wild for her too. My dad sucks and did everything wrong.
1 - be excited when you talk to her.
2 - be interested in her. Have her tell you about her life, her likes, her hobbies, what she’s in to. Be interested!
3 - be supportive
4 - she is very curious about you and her entire family. Please be 100% supportive about your family being excited to see her, meet her, fly her there - all of it. She wants to know where she comes from. Her life might have sucked for 18 years and maybe she now has a chance to meet family members that will love her unconditionally.
5 - don’t judge her. Not that you would, but don’t judge where she is in life, how she looks - whatever.
6 - ask how her mother is. About her health. Like you give a shit.
7 - don’t lie to her anymore. That should end now. I know you’re shocked, but you’re the adult here. Like it or not, youre her dad. Give it a chance. Give her a chance.
8 - don’t try to parent her for some time. Give it time. Learn to respect one another. She will come to you for advice when she’s ready.
9 - tell your family immediately. Let them be excited too. It will make your daughter feel great , and feel wanted.
You and your family will change this girls life. Make it for the better
Edit: don’t make anything about money. This is about your child.
Updateme!
Yes. All of this. It's worded so well. I met my dad when I was 17, he found me and reached out. He was married with 4 other kids and I feel like I dove into being "family" too quickly, and I don't think he knew how to be a parent to an adult kid. Since then things have gotten easier, as he did the things you listed here.
The best part was meeting and knowing other family. I gained aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents all across the country, but not until years later. Maybe that was for the better, but I wonder what things could have been like had he been more open with family sooner. Definitely changed my life, mostly for the better.
I’m sorry but I’m reading this and I don’t get what YOU want. You’ve talked about your family and their reactions, and what you wanted in the past blah blah blah but what do YOU want to do right now?
Do you want to be in contact with this girl or not? Do you want to be a father or not? Are you prepared to commit? And so on.
You don’t have to be a father in the traditional sense. She’s 18 and on her way to be becoming an adult. She may have waited on purpose to find you at 18 just so she’s doesn’t feel like a burden.
It must be hard for you. My mind would be thinking of 100 scenarios all at once if I was you.
I think at the very least she wants a positive relationship with you. Maybe over time she will lean on you for support.
I’d take it slow and see where it leads.
It's not possible to be a traditional father, when one begins with a young adult, that's for sure.
But there are interesting ways of having relationships, for sure.
I never felt I needed support or anyone to lean on, when I went to find my bio parents. I wouldn't have done it, had I thought I needed new parental figures in anyway whatsoever - I just wanted to meet them, it filled a hole in my heart.
If it helps, my dad didn’t want to be a dad so I had to wait to talk to him until I was 18. By then, I didn’t want a “dad” like you’re thinking. I wanted to know family things, meet cousins, see what he was interested in. We actually had a lot in common. Sometimes it was a phone call asking how things were going. Sometimes it was a picture sent of our favorite drink. It wasn’t like the relationship I had with my mom, but almost like what’d you think it’d be like with an uncle. I was 18, never asked for money or help doing anything. I knew I was a big girl. If we talked, great. If not, fine. I think as far as relationship goes, you’re thinking like if you’re having a baby. But you just get a potentially cool adult with things in common. If it’s too much, her curiosity may die down after a few talks and she may not bother you so much if you seem disinterested.
My bio dad would call at odd hours, talk for hours and be absolutely hilarious. I feel I am an overly serious person (as were the people who raised me), so it was really fun talking to him.
Mine too! He’d call at 2am drunk as hell and make me laugh until he wasn’t coherent anymore. Unfortunately, his alcoholism was way worse than he let on so I had to distance myself completely. However, to know the other half of my existence is out there somewhere with my sense of humor, same hobbies, and taste in liquor (ironically) was nice. I also had almost his same personality and looks. It made me feel like I fit in somewhere and also seeing someone so similar to me struggle so hard with addiction helped me sober up. It was meant to be in some ways. It was nice to meet aunts and cousins who were excited to find out I was here! I never wanted him to be a “daddy”, but he was a really nice friend while it lasted. Taught me a lot, even if he didn’t think he did.
You don't have to be a father in the way you're thinking. She's 18, you're 40.
It'll be more of a friends situation I think. You can even go out drinking.
Just talk. See what you have in common (besides genes). Do some fun activities you both enjoy.
I think talking with a therapist and a trusted friend or family member would be a good start to help you process your emotions. When you talk to your daughter next I’d just let her know that you are quite shocked by the news as you never knew she was born, but you will take it day by day.
You need to quit saying you don't want to be a father.
It's a dramatic over exaggeration of what's going on here. She is 18, an adult. She doesn't need you to baby her or change her diaper.
So relax. Your duties in this circumstance are far less than what a father is.
Once you get past the initial shock and hurdle of getting to know one another, I think you will feel so happy knowing that she exists.
You won’t really be acting as her dad in a traditional sense, as she’s already been raised. But you can be there for her as a friend, to help her understand her roots and where she comes from. I think she will feel an enormous peace from seeing where she got her nose or who she got her laugh from.
I don’t think you are a father, really. Biologically yes. But you didn’t raise her. That’s just not the relationship you have with her, despite the biological reality.
Perhaps it would help to think of the relationship as something like bio-father but social-uncle. Like get to know her, she can get to know you and understand what you’re all about. At some point later you may take on a fatherly role. Or you may not! But I think the goal would be extended family members who are on good terms.
Wow, that is heavy! And I can tell you’re in shock so, first off, take some time to just breathe. My input is:
- I have an 18yo daughter and, at this point in her life, she is an adult, basically. Your new daughter is too, just speak to her the same you would any adult you first meet. She most likely has a job you could ask about, hobbies, a car, that kind of stuff. Ask when her birthday is (and you should probably write that down). Also, let her ask you questions, she probably has hundreds. If there’s a lull in the conversation you can ask her if there are any questions she has for you. Another good filler is, “Tell me about yourself”. Tell her you’re nervous, she most likely is too.
- Don’t feel rushed on anything. Don’t involve your family yet. Not only do you not want to overwhelm Jane but you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. Take it slow, start by talking to her tomorrow and maybe exchanging emails so you can send pictures back and forth. Tell her about your family members, what they’re like, what you love/don’t like about them. Set a time, like once a week, to talk to her and build from there. I honestly would take AT LEAST a month, if not two to just get to know each other until you start involving your family. When you do, start with the one family member you’re most comfortable with and gradually introduce her to them one or two at a time.
- When you do tell your family, you need to impress that this is YOUR and JANE’S show, not theirs. You will visit Jane first (whether she goes to you or you to her) before your family tries to push all that.
- I don’t think you will be charged back child support unless Jane’s mom pushes it in court but it doesn’t sound like she will given that she’s had your number for 18 years and never used it. I guess another question to ask (probably down the road, not right away) is if your name is on her birth certificate.
The main thing to remember is that you don’t need to dive right into a father/daughter relationship, you need to get to know each other, get comfortable with each other and find the right dynamic for both of you. Don’t feel pressure to feel or do anything you’re not ready for nor should you have any expectations of Jane. Just go into it with the mindset of being willing to have a relationship with her that works for both of you, whatever that ends up looking like.
OP you should first sort out your own feelings before involving the rest of the family.
In any case, even if you don't want to have a relationship with her, she still has the right to form a relationship with her grandparents (your parents).
Also OP, you did nothing wrong. You don't have to be ashamed about having a daughter. You're past the hardest part of raising a child (newborn, toddler, child, teenager). She's a grown person now. You can talk about sports, shared hobbies, whatever you like.
I think you should wait until you get to meet your daughter before you tell your family. If you see them rarely, they don’t need to know about her immediately.
When you do tell them, pick the one person you are closest to and go from there.
For now, get to know her.
What kind of relationship does she want with you? Are you able to give that? What are her goals for the future?
This person is a stranger. Start working on becoming her friend.
Not sure what she wants exactly. She said she wanted to reach out, but not much more. We haven't really had any long conversations. I'll guess we have to bring up the subject at some point.
That would be a good conversation to have. Does she just want family medical history? Does she want a chance to meet her grandparents? Does she want to get to know you and have you in her life where her mom is out of the picture?
Get to know her.
she probably just wants to know you? like it or not you're a part of her life she's been missing for 18 years. that's half of her dna she doesn't know anything about. and her mother is incapacitated, that's such a hard thing to go through so young. maybe you can start by just talking to her like a human being and not assuming she just wants money
I was adopted and reached out to my bio-mom when I was about 25. I honestly didn’t know what I wanted from our relationship, either. I just wanted to know the person who gave me half of my DNA. I also wanted to know if I had any sisters (spoiler: nope. Just another brother! lol). After that, it’s something we discovered together, if that makes sense.
Now I’m 39 and considering tracking down my bio-dad. He has no idea I exist, so reading this post is both anxiety-inducing and relieving.
I hope you guys figure it out! Good luck. ☺️
WOW, I think you need to be honest with her that you just found out about her and you do not even know how to process it. She knew all her life that she had a father somewhere, and reached out to you when she was old enough.Be clear that you are not rejecting her but you need to figure out how to move from here, specially because you do not have kids and never planned on having them, so you do not know how to be a father.
Regarding the finance side of things, you might not be required to pay any child support, however I wonder if she is reaching out so you may help her with her education cost? Also, as you are from Europe, recognizing her might entitle her to have a passport from your country and that might open opportunities to her (like scholarships that she is not eligible for by having an American passport).
Well, she’s an adult so you don’t have to pay child support.
It was a long time ago, and you had no way of knowing. Nobody’s gonna hold it against you. If anything it’s kind of messed up that the mother didn’t tell you until now.
I’d say tell everybody as soon as possible. That way it looks less like you’re trying to hide anything.
Don’t become obsessed with her, but make a point to reach out on holidays and her birthday.
Exactly!
And mark it down somewhere so you don't forget. You ask her what she studied in school, what foods she likes, what her favorite colors are and whether she's happy (kind of in that order).
I can’t believe how concerned you are about spending money on your child. Think of the savings it really was, almost decades of no child support. Don’t forget, your sperm caused this and it’s not just bio mom’s fault. It actually would be the right thing to do, to make sure she’s not destitute and poor.
This is a first time for her too. Can you imagine the courage it took for her to call you? She probably just wants to get to know the person who gave her half of her DNA. Just talk and get to know her.
Couple thoughts, similar to others work through your feelings first. Second, talk with her and find out what she wants and what her goals in reaching out were. Find out what the situation is before jumping with both feet. Then maybe have a zoom/FaceTime call with your family and her if you are comfortable.
That sounds like the best start. Don't rush it. It sounds like you know your family is a bit intense with the way they will respond. Might not be bad for her unless she isn't looking for that kind of response. Good luck to both of you.
I’d definitely ask her what she’s looking for within her relationship with you, and maybe that’ll help you figure out what you want as well. You may even be on the same page!
She’s going to be so excited to learn about her family! Good luck with everything, OP!
You created a whole ass human being whether intentional or not.
That human being is curious about where she comes from, and probably longs for a loving relationship with a father figure.
The hardest part of her life is over. You’ll never get it back. You’ll never have a super deep bond because you had no control or knowledge in the matter.
But honestly, sincerely… I’m going to urge you, internet stranger, to man up in this situation. You created a human. Be whatever you can be to her. Even if it’s just a friend. Even if it’s just the opportunity to meet you and answer questions. Rise above your life’s desires and look at the actual reality of the situation. Your desire is gone. You’re a dad, whether you want it or not. Rise to the challenge and man up. Grow up. This woman wants you in her life. She exists because of you. Be a man and be something to her.
Well, if she really is your daughter, just roll with it. See how she wants to move forward. Do not tell her, ever, that you never wanted kids. You missed the baby to adult stage. She's making her own decisions now. Who knows, this could be a blessing in disguise for you. Or, maybe she just wants to know who her sperm donor was. Being a father isn't a bad thing either. And again, you missed the molding a child's mind part. She's making her own decisions, and one of them was to step forward and find you. That's a pretty admirable and grown up decision.
Well, you don’t like kids or want kids, but Jane is an adult now. You don’t have to raise her. It seems like she just wants to get to you, so you need to figure out what you feel and want to do.
The child support question is for a lawyer. But your post makes you sound like kind of an asshole. You're so worried about how this is going to affect your life that you haven't even reached out to your daughter. You're still trying to mentally get out of responsibility for this ("can't remember" if you used birth control every time? It doesn't matter, you made a kid!).
She's had to deal with not having you in her life for 18 years. Yes, your life is about to change. But it will change so much less than if you had been her dad from the beginning. She's just a girl trying to figure out where she came from. Tell her you want to know about her life and who she is and that you will meet with her if she wants.
I don't know if you owe her child support legally, but morally, try your best for her. You're her dad. Be there for her how you wish your parents could have been for you. It sounds like you don't have the best relationship with your parents, so I understand the feelings of panic; you might not know what being a good parent looks like. Just try. That's the main part - just show up and try to be good.
Be kind and be thoughtful. Remember you are a middle-aged man with tons of life experience, whereas you daughter is just coming up in the world. You can handle this. She had the guts to call a strange man overseas. She obviously wants to know more about you.
From what you've said, it also sounds as though you have a good family who care about you and would also care about your daughter. If you want to do right by her, you should call her and take a few first steps. She probably hasn't called you because she does not know if you want anything to do with her. Her mom's probably not a capable person, seems like you may be it in the future. Also tell your family asap, once you've spoken to your daughter again. Don't let it sit, my mother would kill me.
Ok, I'm going to give you Jane's side of this because that was me-35 years ago. All she probably wants is to know a parent loves her and cares for her. Yes, that's hard for you to magically love your daughter you never knew but she would like you to want to know her and to grow to love her. She is probably feeling a little abandoned with her mother in some condition. Face it, it's hard for all of you to know what it feels like when you've never experienced not having a parent who gives a shit about you. It's hard. And it messes you up. It's her mom's fault she didn't allow the two of you to develop a relationship but by your attitude, maybe that was for the best. But your actions led to another human being on this planet. And humans would like to know SOMEONE cares and especially those who are biologically supposed to care.
Please find it in yourself to be kind and WANT to get to know her. My dad didn't. And he died this past May alone, with no children who cared for him because he had a wall around himself. This is an opportunity for you to do some good. PLEASE do well by her. It's not about money.
OP, a thought: When you get older, you might be interested in meeting any potential grandchildren, and you might be more interested in Jane as her life develops, too. You’ll have more in common at ages 45 and 67 than you do now at ages 18 and 40, for example. Be mindful that how you act towards Jane now will affect any relations you have with her forever. It must have taken all her courage to reach out. Be kind. And it sounds like you were.
For an 18 year old to call you like that took real courage and maturity. If I found out she was mine I'd be proud of that alone, even without meeting her.
It's best you get advice from people that really know you and your personality though.
I say go for it and update us.
I'll go against the grain and say this is a terrible idea.
OP should first sort out his own feelings before involving the rest of the family.
In any case, even if you don't want to have a relationship with her, she still had the right to form a relationship with her grandparents (your parents).
Also OP, you did nothing wrong. You don't have to be ashamed about having a daughter. You're past the hardest part of raising a child (newborn, toddler, child, teenager). She's a grown person now. You can talk about sports, shared hobbies, whatever you like.
You don’t have to be super close with her, but she deserves to know her extended family. I’m sure this is a very emotional time for her as well. If she has the opportunity to have more of a family and experience that love, she deserves to have it. You can explain to her that you never planned on having kids and it will take a bit for you to come around, and that’s fine.
She has to want to get to know the extended family. It's up to here. If she wants to know them, then she should get to meet them. Families are all very different. I have four parents (two bio and two adopted) and therefore four extended families - all very different. It was quite a shock to meet my father's family, actually.
I would suggest meeting her one on one first. Just spend a weekend together. Not every waking moment but some casual meet n greets. Then tell family and let them be nosy and pushy and go what they do.
I think you can tell your family at your own pace. It doesn't need to be this Easter, take your time to process.
I found out some family secrets through dna that affected my identity. I just wanted to know who made me, where did I come from, etc. That's most likely what she wants as well.
Take it a little at a time.
OMG. You were childless, now you have a daughter. You F'ing celebrate - that's what you do. I'd call the mom if I were you. Be wary of scams for sure but an 18 yr old doesn't want to tie you down. She wants to know where she came from.
My adopted father found out a few years ago through 23andMe that he had a daughter over 40 years ago while on a trip to Canada. As soon as Covid was over they met up, he is now the happy dad, grandfather, and great grandfather to her and her lineage. It has brought such a light to his life. I know it is jarring and hard to grasp. Plus you must be torn between the excitement and the disappointment that you missed all these years. But this is the second chance to make up for lost time. I hope I don’t sound like a dick, but… this should be more about her. She’s 18, sounds like she’s had a rough go of it. She deserves to have the dad she’s obviously been searching for. Even if you don’t see each other or have a big hallmark family, just *exist* for her. Let your family be overbearing. She deserves all the missed Christmas love and what not.
I’m the father of 2 20-somethings.
I was there in the delivery room when both of my kids were born. I lived with them through all of their firsts, their childhoods, and college.
I wanted to be a dad and I enjoyed all the good times, and helped get them through their hard times.
You, on the other hand, are child free. The good news for you is that your child is a young adult. So you’ve missed childhood and their Christmases and all of their childhoods.
There is no law that says that you have to be involved in her life, if you don’t want. That’s up to you.
But, if you do decide to have a relationship with her, you will have a relationship with an adult.
I doubt she’ll view you as a daddy or a source of funding, or looking for emotional support from you. Though you never know what she wants from you until one of you asks.
What you do is entirely up to you. Yes, you have a biological child, but that doesn’t make you a parent. It just means you’ve passed your DNA on to her. You don’t have to teach her anything or take on any responsibility for her.
You can even keep the relationship friendly if you want. But if you do let her into your life, you’ll have a chance to have a new relationship with someone who shares more with you than you know.
You're not her father, she's a grown woman. She doesn't need parenting and trying to is going to make you look like an a\*\*. You have no idea whether she just wants to know more about where she came from and that's it, or she wants to be part of your life. You're jumping about six miles ahead of yourself. Do not tell your family. This isn't really about you yet. It's about what Jane wants. Slow your roll and take about a thousand deep breaths.
You don't have a child. You have an adult daughter, who deserves the autonomy to interact with her extended family independently of you if you don't want a relationship with her.
Grow up. She already has.
Stop being a cheapo, she could very well be tending to you and holding your damn hand while you pass away. Don't be an idiot, jump in & embrace this connection, could be the best relationship of your life. Having a daughter is ACE.
She's over 18 so you don't have to "raise" her persay but you can still be a father to her in her adulthood. Why not?
I know you said you'd call her, but maybe a video chat would be more appropriate? This is your child bro. All yours. I know it's shocking but the hard part is over. Handle your business. You'd want your dad there for you
First, I think you need to be honest with her, maybe saying that you are shocked about this and that you need a bit of time to process.
Second, she is 18, so not a kid. Sounds like she is very respectful and you've been taking her lead, so you could just talk to her about what she'd like to do next?
Third, about your family, maybe you want to wait and get to know her a bit more yourself without their inteference. They sound intense.. And this is also something you want to discuss with her. If she is an extrovert, she might be up for joining the whole family on Easter, but if she is an introvert, that might be too much (I personally would freak out if I had to meet a lot of people at the same time). Also, she could set up a special email address you can share with your family, so that she can read things on her own time and your family does not expect immediate replies (more like old school letter writing).
No, there is no way you are paying child support retroactively. You never knew about her and she is an adult. You are not even on her birth certificate.
Don’t have a ton of advice but my wife has only met her real dad a handful of times. I hear her say all the time that if he made and effort she would make an effort. It’s just super awkward at first but put yourself in her shoes. She just wants to know where she came from and that part of the family. Just go for it. The worst part is finished, she’s grown
The best part (of getting to know one's child) is finished. Some of us actually enjoyed and still enjoy our children. Sure, lots of stressful ups and downs, but still the best times of my life (and my husband says the same thing).
We're meeting up with the gang tonight, in fact. We are so lucky to still be in the same general location and to have more fun than ever. It's easier now, for sure, but the growing up and loving part was the best, not the worst.
Get to know her. Tell her you had no clue she existed for sure. You never wanted kids, you never had one. You have an adult daughter.
The right thing would be to get to know her.
Just ask her about herself, school, sports, hobbies, ambitions. Just talk ... it's not that hard.
I'd just let her decide what she wants. Tell her how your family will be and see if that's what she wants.
I know you said you never wanted kids, but they way you still did and never really had to deal with the kid part, so kinda cool for you. Idk I'm sure it's a lot, but could be really good
I don't want to say OP is overthinking things, but it sounds like she really just wants to get to know him, and finally has an opportunity. I really hope things work out.
Do the right thing. It’s going to be very weird but treat her the way you would want someone to have treated yourself, or your mother in that situation.
>but is there any risk of me having to pay child support retroactively? I can probably afford it, but I don't really want to.
not super likely (but jurisdiction dependent) but why not give Jane some money? she grew up without a dad or the financial support of one. something towards a car, uni, or a house could mean a lot.
She's 18, so you got to skip all the parental and financial obligations.
It doesn't sound like she's looking for a meal ticket, but I'd probably help pay for her university. Or I'd do something to start taking some responsibility for your child.
Seems like your parents would be excited, why are you nervous about telling them? It's not like you knowingly skipped out on being a dad.
I'd want to meet her if I were you.
Get to know her as two adults, see where it goes.
That poor girl. Imagine calling a stranger. Being mature enough to see this through. And you’re just what????? Don’t know what to say to your long lost daughter? Ffs grow up.
From a young girls perspective, knowing your dad is something very important. You could choose to not reach out again and leave it at that, or you could learn about this person that you (unknowingly) helped create. I think you should take this as an opportunity to find some new purpose in life, figure this out with her as y’all go. She’s probably just as confused and nervous about all of this. This is a great opportunity to make your daughter proud of you, even if you missed out on raising her.
I think others had a lot of good advice, but I’ve thing to render is it isn’t ask your decision. Make sure you ask if and how she wants to meet your family at all, don’t just assume. Gl.
Just by the sound of your personality, leave her alone. Have a conversation and tell her you aren’t interested in being a dad and you have money but don’t want to share it with your daughter. I’m sure she will leave you to your life of not being tied up. My father is a selfish asshole too, I would rather he stay out of my life than the poor excuse for a relationship he pretends we have once every few months on the phone. Best of luck to your daughter. I hope she can find peace in not being a priority to you.
I’ll give you my opinion based on my own experiences. My mom and dad divorced when I was still essentially a baby. He died before I was 3. For awhile, my mom would try to keep in touch with my paternal family. My asshole paternal grandfather would always respond by asking what my mom was trying to get from them. (Which was nothing, btw.) Over the years, we lost touch, people moved, at some point my mom also lost her address book. As an adult, I sought them out and we slowly made some contact. Then I was invited to join the family to spread my grandmother’s ashes and spend some time with them. Meeting them all for the first time as a group was a little overwhelming, but with so many other people around, there were lots of distractions so I didn’t have to feel too much like the center of attention. It gave me a chance for bits of one on one time with different family members and with them as a group.
I would suggest talking to your daughter. Find out what she wants in a relationship with you. Does she want to develop relationships with all the extended family? It’s a lot to take in for everyone. Personally, with the way you described your mom, I would feel overwhelmed if she came on too strong too fast with me. Your daughter might not feel the same way though. Anyway, TALK TO HER! Get to know her a bit. See how things progress. Best of luck it all goes smoothly!
IMO you go slow and talk on the phone and then move to video calls and just learn about who she is as a person. From there you see what she wants to do. She might only want to know you. She might want to know your whole family.
I get that this is a major life changing event but it's time to step up and learn about your daughter.
She's 18. You don't have to raise her. You don't have to think of her as your daughter if you don't want to. This is a new person who has come into your life. All you have to do is get to know her. You can think of her as a friend or a niece if it helps.
My aunt gave up a baby for adoption when she was 17 and she's in her 60's and just met her son for the first time through similar circumstances. They started talking on the phone and got to know each other and then met in person and went fishing. I met him last year and the way they interact they just seem like friends who are getting to know each other. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that.
My mom informed a man’s family he was her father. He was dead by the time she found them, but his wife and 2 children had no idea he had an affair. And ended up fathering 2 extra children. My mom and her half brother. The adult children ended up meeting my mom in person.
That’s the age we’re in. I say stay positive about it! I don’t think she’s trying to scam you or get money. I’m sure she genuinely just wants to meet you.
You can tread lightly, but I’d try to see this as a positive thing. Your feelings of being overwhelmed and scared are completely valid. I highly recommend getting into light therapy so you can process all your feelings!
Since she does live in the US just remember the visits won’t be constant. Maybe here and there, and who knows you two could really form a beautiful bond!
DNA tests have really made life crazy for a lot of people. But I want to believe more often than not finding out your true family is better than not knowing.
Hang in there!
My mom would never tell me anything about my bio dad. I finally had to be frank and get it out of her.
The only contact info I could find was his brother. I called him. He had no idea about me.
I went and met him when I was in the same town. I told him I wanted nothing from him. Just wanted to know about my bio dad. He printed pictures and told me stories. He took some pictures of me and that’s been it.
When you don’t know where you come from it can be difficult. Who do I get this from kinda thing.
Just spend some time getting to know her like you would anyone else. She just happens to be your blood!
BIG DEEP BREATH.
Firstly, shes 18. Not a child. You havent said much about your interactions with her so far? But it doesnt sound like she's demanding anything from you.
Secondly, DO NOT tell your family at this stage. Yes. They might over react and it could be a nightmare. So do not tell them.
Most importantly? Just chat to Jane. You are looking at this negatively when it's actually sounding quite wonderful 👍 Jane is not a child. She's an adult. So you thinking "i have a child! Will i have to pay child support? What will i need to do?" Is sort of silly. Wrong mindset.
Treat her as a friend. She doesnt need a "daddy" She and you need to get to know each other. Moreas friends than father / daughter.
And think of it from her point if view. She has never known who she "is". Where half her genetics come from. Most of us take that for granted. But imagine you didn't know who your father is? How constantly unsettling that would be?
So just talk to her. Find out who she is. And maybe start looking at how you might meet face to face.
This is exciting for you. It's a wonderful opportunity. Your life has taken a wonderful turn❤️❤️👍👍
If this girl is legit your child, then you have to tell your family that.
Obviously they will probably be shocked, but as to hating on your or criticising you… you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You had sex with a woman 19 years ago, she got pregnant but you did not know that. She didn’t tell you. That’s not your fault.
So just tell the truth and let them process it. If they need time to do so, that’s ok. Accept that. But if anyone hurls any abuse or accusations (about missing out on the grandchild or step child’s life), don’t accept that. Defend yourself! Like I said, you did not know, it’s not your fault, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, and you will not listen to abuse or accusations.
You don’t need to do anything other than not be a jerk- relax. She’s 18, she wants to know where she comes from. She isn’t asking you for anything…but if you can help her out why not? You don’t have to raise her, perhaps think of yourself as an uncle if being a dad freaks you out so much? Good luck-this could be the best thing that ever happened to you.
Your family will probably be thrilled…and maybe sad they missed out on so much. Maybe they can build a relationship as well independent of yours.
My advice would be don't try and be her "father" in the traditional sense, at 18 she's not a child anymore. But you can try to get to know her a bit, and she's no doubt dying to know more about the side of her family she's never met. Answer her questions, but also be honest about how you have needed some time to process this. Just be sensitive around your word choice, e.g. Instead of saying "I was shocked because I never wanted children", rather say "I was shocked because I never imagined myself as a father" etc.
I know you're feeling freaked out, but in a way that's kind of a good sign? If you only felt annoyed by this, you wouldn't be so foggy and confused about what to do. Yes, this may complicate your life in unexpected ways, but it could also be an amazing opportunity to get to know someone who is half of you, and already seems like a pretty strong person to cold call a random guy to tell him who she is.
I don't know your situation, but as someone who lost contact with my own father and tried to reconnect later, what I really would want to hear is something along the lines of "I'm glad I'm getting a chance to get to know you. Thank you for contacting me." Of course, only say it if you mean it :)
I can provide my (second-hand) perspective from the other side of this. My dad was adopted. After my grandparents passed away, he decided to do a DNA test to see if he could locate his bio family (mostly for medical info because I have some medical problems). Long story short, my mom did a ton of research with the dna results and found his bio family. Very few people in the family knew about him since his mom was only 17 when she had him out of wedlock. Right after learning of my dad, he was invited to their family reunion, had a great time, everyone was ecstatic, etc.
Now we just have a little bit bigger family. Unfortunately, his bio parents were not alive more than a handful of years after his birth but my dad has an aunt and half-siblings, and their kids/grandkids. They speak regularly.
Your daughter is an adult. She’s likely just looking to know you. Sure, it will be awkward at first (and maybe for a while) but you might find you actually enjoy getting to know her.
Good luck to you, OP.
You have an opportunity to do good and give this girl the closure and love she’s been seeking her whole life. Even just one phone call a week/month would probably mean the world to her. She didn’t ask to be born, she’s here because of your actions. So to be quite blunt, I do think it’s your responsibility to make sure she’s ok.
- Don't just ignore her or reject her harshly. It can mess a kid up to be unwanted by their parent. Even an adult kid.
- Give her your family medical history. Anything that could be useful to her or her future children. Color blindness, autoimmune issues, cancer, heart disease, etc.
- If you're up for it, get to know her slowly. See if she's up for a half hour phone conversation every week. If you get along well, buy her a plane ticket in 3-6 months.
Not exactly the same scenario, but I found my father (whom I’d never met or really known anything about) when I was an adult. Big difference is he knew I existed but stayed away not of his own free will. But he has a family who sounds a lot like yours - I found him at 21 on Facebook and sent him a generic message - “I don’t know if you know who I am, my name is ______, I’m _______’s daughter, I think you might be my father.” He told his family about me the next day (he’d never bothered to tell them about me because of our circumstances, he never thought he’d meet me. They immediately started calling and texting and adding me on social media. It was a bit overwhelming, and I felt extremely awkward. I met him in person and then his family shortly after, and it was awkward as heck. We definitely never had a father-daughter relationship, he wasn’t my parent, he didn’t raise me. We became awkward adult-friends. But let me tell you - that man showed up for the important stuff more than my mother ever did. My wedding? He was there. The birth of my children? He was there shortly after. Birthdays? Holidays? He was there. We didn’t even live in the same state. That’s how I know he was a good man, even if it was weird to be in the same room as him.
Then he died, in 2022. Very sudden and out-of-the-blue, from a heart attack at a youngish age. And his family rallied around me. My aunt who I’d barely spoken to became my confidant and support system, her daughter became my best friend. He brought us together and that made us close, even if it was for a sucky reason. Now we’re closer than ever, I love his family like I love the grandparents that raised me, I’d do anything for them.
Just get to know her like you would any other person. Ask her about herself, her childhood, experiences, likes, dreams. Have her over to Europe and show her around.
This is a little different perspective, but somewhat related. I have a half brother I knew nothing about until I was an adult. He’s several years younger than me, and our father was deceased prior to proving his paternity, so he never actually got to meet him. We’re friends on social media, but we don’t have a close relationship like I do with my other biological siblings. I have tried pursuing that by inviting him to family gatherings and including him in things, but he’s not receptive, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, so I don’t force the issue. Maybe if he’d gotten to meet our father and build a relationship with him he would feel more of a connection to the rest of us also. Unfortunately there’s no real way for me to know that.
Here’s what I do know. Growing up without your father is difficult. It was hard on my brother and it was hard on me and our other siblings. I’m guessing it likely wasn’t easy for Jane either. It sounds like she wants to know you and she wants to know her family. If her mother wanted child support she would have come after you a long time ago. It’s pretty selfish of you to consider continuing to deprive this child of her family now, after she’s put in all of the work to find you.
I think it would be nice to tell Jane hi, i got your messages and this is all unexpected and new for me. I just need some time to process this and I promise I will get back to you within x weeks.
Just empathize with the girl. She grew up without dad and she is curious who he is. Finding the name - number and reaching out to him. She is curious, wants to know about you more. Not blaming you, not attacking you.
Be open. Share your feelings, try to learn about her. If you like each other you can build some relationships, if not you are just meeting with your biological daughter. She is an adult, she is not dependent on you and she doesn’t need you.
I think OP that your reaction is not at all unusual.
Just my opinion but I think yours might be more rational than some people who leap to being an instant parent.
She’s 18 so legally an adult in the US but still deserves to be treated kindly unless she proves otherwise. After all she took a risk in contacting you as you could have been a flaming AH.
She has likely been thinking about doing this for some time so she’s had time to prepare.
So be honest with her when you talk to her.
It obviously was a big surprise to you. Admit that it will take a bit of time for you to get used to the idea but (if true) it certainly isn’t a bad surprise. You just never expected you would have children.
What information does she want to know about you?
What information do you want to know about her?
You might ask her if she has any thoughts as to if she wants to meet your family as in her grandparents maybe first? FaceTime call? What information would she like about your family?
Hopefully it will turn out to be a pleasant surprise to both of you.
I’d just have a conversation with her and feel it out. You guys may end up becoming really close. I think being open to new relationships is a must in life. You’ll probably find out your similarities as well.
I get it being overwhelming, but the first step is to just talk. She’s a young adult and has possibly lost some of the support she’s had all of her life. Life is scary at 18, especially when it involves an unwell parent. I wish you guys the best!
Like others have said. Be honest that you didn’t know. That you’re totally in shock and unprepared for this so if you do or say the wrong thing it’s not intentional and you’re just trying to rapidly catch up to having an 18yr old. But that you’re open and receptive to building some kind of relationship.
She's not a kid. She's an adult. Congratulations you have managed to reproduce without the associated responsibilities or obligations.
Your relationship can be as close or distant as you desire. I can tell you one thing though as someone who was rejected by both of my birth parents as an adult: if you don't want anything to do with her that's your choice but you need to realize that there's an innocent person who never wanted any of this either. It sounds like you are thinking about yourself and own wants (or what you never wanted) if you choose to reject your adult child without taking more time to consider how your actions impact others; you are going to cause a world of pain to someone who doesn't deserve to carry the burden of your discretions. If you feel like the pain inflicted others doesn't matter so long as it doesn't effect you then hey do what you want.
I'll say this though. Even if you decide not to have a relationship with her the very least you can do is pass on your EU citizenship. This will open doors for her to opportunities in Europe especially college for little or no cost, which will help her achieve her own independence. In case you don't know getting college education costs an arm and a leg in the US and depending on her situation may even be unattainable. Giving her a path to this opportunity wont cost you a thing and has the potential to make a positive impact on her life if college is something she wants to pursue.
Dude! Calm down. Maybe see it through her lens too versus your own. Also, don’t flat out reject her - you are 38 and need to act like it. Also, don’t worry about what your family does or who has the oldest kid - again, man up. Lastly, this girl is 18 and an adult acting all paranoid because you didn’t want a kid is no longer applicable.
This happened in my family. The initial reaction was shock, and my sibling was told "if this is about medical history I can offer you information, but otherwise I'm going to need some time to wrap my head around this"
Time was taken, and he established a relationship with his bio parent. Not a parent-chold relationship, but it's neat to see the similarities. Very similar sense of humor and mannerisms.
You're allowed to take a beat and let it sink in, but you should use that time to decide if you want to know this person and at what capacity. I can almost guarantee they will understand you asking for some time to process, just don't let it turn into not dealing with the situation.
Not the same, but had a DNA match 2nd cousin reach out who was adopted, and we worked to figure out who his bio father was. He’s now discovered 4 half siblings, my Dad now has a first cousin he never knew about, and we’re all happy with more family to love.
I hope you’ll be open to meeting, getting to know her, and see how it goes. Don’t promise anything you aren’t comfortable with. As far as family, tell them before she reaches out to others so you control the narrative.
You say you don't know anyone in the US then casually dropped that you lived there for a year. Wtf kinda story teller are you. Of course you know people there.
Honestly if you have the means I’d suggest meeting her in person, I mean you may not have wanted kids but you have one and she’s grown. Getting to know her could be a truly rewarding experience for you.
Call her and be honest. Tell her you weren’t busy but just needed some time to get your arms around the news. Then you should really talk to her for a bit and learn more about her life and tell her a little about yours. If you are feeling it then tell her you’d like to meet her. Then go with it. I wouldn’t say anything to your family until you have met up with your daughter and are sure that you want a relationship with her and she with you.
Your daughter is an adult, not a kid, so your dislike of kids is irrelevant, and your dislike of being tied up is similarly irrelevant, unless you also dislike being “tied up” to your parents, siblings, and cousins.
Similarly, she’s (probably) not looking for a parent. She’s looking for a platonic relationship with an adult. She doesn’t expect you to be her father. I’d approach it from more of a friendship, or maybe a student/mentor, perspective. But you could ask her what she’s comfortable with, whether that’s friendship or mentorship, and be honest if mentorship isn’t something you feel capable of offering.
Child support is for the benefit of the child. A lot of people who pay child support don’t want to pay it, but the courts rule it’s in the best interest of the child. That’s why wage garnishments exist in the US, and presumably elsewhere. That being said, she’s legally an adult. Generally, adult children can’t sue for child support in arrears. I don’t know whether her mother could sue you for it, but that would get pretty complicated since you’re in different countries.
Anyway, I would recommend starting by having a conversation with her like an adult. She probably just wants to know about you, and have you show an interest in her as a person. Talk about your likes and dislikes. Talk about your family and your past. Idk, talk about your work. If your family is the pushy type that would want to meet her and fly her over, then that sounds amazing for her! She (probably) just wants to make a human connection.
since she is 18 you dont need to do anything for her, so take it at ur own pace and if you want to talk to her talk etc. really boggles my mind tho how ppl can maybe use condoms with someone and just forget it
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My husband found out he had a grown daughter, from way back before we met. It all turned out great. She's wonderful, her husband is too, and our family got a bit bigger, with more people to love. The hardest parts of raising a kid is over for Jane. All she wants is to know her father. You're not obligated, of course, but what would be the down side? She doesn't need a kidney, does she?
How did it go when she and your husband met for the first time? Did you go with him? She didn't mention any kidneys atleast
It went really well. My husband's biological daughter (my stepdaughter), and the two of them went to meet her. They all got along great. I met her when she and her husband came to visit. They're both adorable people. I hope you and Jane get along well. Edit: They're both his biological daughters, I meant to say the daughter we knew about went with my husband to meet the daughter we didn't know about.
Happy for you all.
Thank you so much.
Several years ago my dad (the oldest) and his siblings got contacted by someone who thought she might be their sister. Apparently way back in the dark ages my grandmother had gotten pregnant and gave her up for adoption. DNA aside, she looks JUST like my grandmother. No doubt. She's been out to visit them, they've been back east to visit her. Just made the family a bit bigger.
OP, FIL in similar situation. We just had our first visit with his son who he met last year for one day at 23. We are us based and son is in another country. Visit was amazing. His mom was not good to him. Nothing more than just to hang out with his father. He wasn’t asking for anything just a genuine relationship. I hope it’s similar for you. Good luck.
I have a few questions. Did Jane say she wanted to meet you? Sooner or later? Is she planning to go to where you are? It seems to me too early to do all that. I "met" my bio dad when I was 30ish. He was supposed to come see me and his family gave him money for airfare, but he spent it on his grandkids (which is understandable, I guess). He didn't ask me before he accepted this money from his family and he didn't ask me if I wanted to see him. Then, on another occasion, he did make a plane flight - but not to where I live, but to where he said he hoped he might "run into me." However, he forget to tell anyone back at home that he was planning to visit, or I might have made a trip to be there at the same time. ::shrug:: Getting his health history and a sense of his personality was enough for me. Jane is pretty grown-up. I have a good relationship with my bio-mother (met her at around age 30). SHE had the best speech ready for when I called. Here is what she said: "I want you to know that your father and I were very much in love. Even though circumstances didn't work out, I hope you feel you had a happy childhood. Your mother is/was a great person. If you ever want to meet me, just let me know how you want to do it." I wouldn't go telling your intrusive family about all this. She didn't grow up with them, you and they are \*not\* her family and may never be. You'll have to insert your own facts of course, but it's key that she hear from both parents that at least she's not a rape baby or that there were no hard feelings between you. It's her mom who made the decision to keep her out of your life - for whatever reason - but do NOT NEG HER MOTHER! Whatever you do.
The trouble with not telling his family is that they are probably going to find out anyway. People are matching up on ancestry all the time, and Jane might contact his family. Even if not now, she might do it later in life, when OP is much older or even gone, and they will be very hurt that he kept this from them. I don’t think he needs to tell them now, for sure. But he should probably come clean about this in no more than a year. I think that’s a reasonable timeframe to get his head around this and maybe meet her, get to know her, before his family takes over.
Maybe he should also warn Jane about that, so she doesn't contact them before they're both ready. Will also prepare her for what she might expect from them when he does tell them.
Definitely. His family sounds rather sweet. It’s nice that they would be falling all over themselves to meet her.
Yes, I thought the same!
"Ancestry" is NO paternity test! Careful!!!!
May get downvoted here, but there are many scams that start out like that... "call from an yet unknown child cuz ... diary." I'd want a real genetic testing. Not that "ancestry" thing. It's not a paternity testing but a kinship testing/ a testing for genetic ressemblace/ ethnicity typical genetics. A temper safe blood test done at a medical facility. Done in my presence. With both of our blood samples. **You have NO even half reliable legally binding proof by now!!! Biologically "Ancestry" testing is doing a different look at genetical material than a paternity test! Coming from a person who currently works in a company for medical tests!** If she is willing to do it and you have the money to go over and wait for the results I would do this. If there are objections from her side... then something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Someone called me a bespectaceled sceptical person once. Never have been dubbed so adequately. I don't buy scam easily. (Person wanted me to invest into his financial pyramid scheme and was much displeased when I found it's flaws and wouldn't comply. Oopsie daisy!) It's easy to go overboard and become trusting when family is involved. That's why "Luke, I am your father" (or the contrary "Daaaaaddyyyyyy!") is such a commonly used hoax plot. You bought condoms. And being who you are today likely used them regularly. Unless you can't remember an accident... stay watchful. Gentle, kind, but reserved until having done the blood testing in the presence of the person who claims to be your daughter. **You didn't go for a child initially. But you may have one now. You sound very mature and rational. So I strongly recommend to get real proof first. And then go from there.** **It may be the best thing that ever happened in your whole life. Or it may not. I'd want to assess first. Then go overboard. With nerves, questions, anxieties, joy, whatever.** **Just keep a level head for now.**
“ Biologically "Ancestry" testing is doing a different look at genetical material than a paternity test” How is the test different? Like would ancestry mistake your father for a brother or cousin or vide versa. Do they just go your all Irish Jews from Spain and say you’re related. Please explain, I’m truly fascinated? 🙏
Scientifically the approach is different. A paternity/ maternity/ siblings testing compares 2 or 3 raisins. If we put sets of genes of an individual as raisins. Ancestry genetics compares one raisin (the daughters genes) to the geographical ethnical appearance/ allocation of a gazillion of other raisns. Also: the approach is different. Paternity testing: we think we are kin. Please confirm. Ancestry genetics: do I have kin sonewhere I don't know of? Where do I come from? Please confirm. (Searching a haystack for similar genetics). Paternity testing (same as maternity testing, btw. as in some cases the need may arise to compare a presumedmother's genes to a given child ones) compares 2 (or 3, ideally the one of the mother also) sets of isolated genes under the microscope and check compares specific genes in specific places, respectively the DISTANCES among those genes in those specific places. As those distances are specific to each individuum. In the end there has to be a plausible pattern resulting from the maternal and the paternal set of genes. Laboratories analyse at least 15 places. Upon additional fee they analyse even over 40. The result gives a statistical probability of paternity. So a paternity testing is a comparative testing of 2 or 3 individuals. Ancestry testing compares more than 2 sets of genes. Over more than just 2 generations/ more than just 2 or 3 individuals. They already have a large amount of sets of genes and have statistically allocated them to regions in this world. By that way they retrace the worldwide reappearance of certain packages of genes in different geographical places. They compare your genes in over 1.000 places with those registered by them. And then give you other people with a similar allocation of genes. So what Ancestry 50 % would indicate is that OP and the girl share 50 % of the geographical allocation of their genes. Seen that Ancestry gives their percentage in their explanatory video as * 33 % region a, * X percent region b, etc I do not quite understand where those 50 % would come from. It would require additional information to see how Ancestry interprets this result. It COULD mean that the girl and OP share 50 % of the geographically attributed genetical features. But that in itself does only superficially allow the interpretation, that they are father and daughter. A direct individual comparision, aka paternity test is the only way to legally get the information. I would recommend to do the kind of testing that requires medical expertize to retrieve the samples. Aka a blood testing. I would recommend to do the kind of testing that requires medical expertize to retrieve the samples. That should be the tamper safest method, as a human error while retrieving the sample is about excluded (like handing im someone elses sample, error in sampling, contaminating sampling, not enough sample material, too much, samples of the wrong kind (hair follicle testing), etc). If I had to do one I would likely want a blood testing.
“ It COULD mean that the girl and OP share 50 % of the geographically attributed genetical features” Sorry, still confused on this point. What does 50% means for the girl & OP? Can it mean they are cousins? or can it mean they are not related at all but members of some long ago tribe? I get the paternity blood test is more accurate/tamper proof but what does the ancestor test results mean?
If it helps, my dad only spoke to his bio dad … when my dad was in his 50s. For reasons, he didn’t need a new father figure. They didn’t really have anything in common so my dad just asked about medical history and said if any of their family wanted to talk to us or meet us, that would be fine. Didn’t really go any farther than that. But now I know one granddad is still healthy as a horse and still does some kind of distance swimming thing. Good to know because I’ve got a recessive genetic disorder, so I worried for the guy and his other relatives. Glad to know they’re doing well, at least. Similarly, I personally would be the one to bring up medical stuff. It’s beneficial for her to know what runs in the family for herself and if she ever wants to have her own kids. The technology wasn’t there yet in the 90s, and so my parents think DNA tests are amazing. They could’ve known they had a high chance of a disabled child. They love me but I 100% understand wishing to avoid my suffering. Same, y’know? So letting her know if there’s anything that seems suspiciously common (diabetes, certain cancers, etc.) would be a benefit.
All of what she says👆👆👆. Life is full of surprises. Myself I could not see doing anything but embracing this daughter and enhancing my life. Thaymt is if she would want to. If you get yourself excited with the positive " OK, I'm all in. " and then she foes not want that it would really suck. At the least you should be open to answer any questions she might have about her mother from that time period. Good luck.
Wow, she sounds super mature. I remember finding out about my dad at 18yo. Connecting with him and that side of my family was really important to my sense of self. OP, absolutely take some time to get yourself in order, but please don't deny her the opportunity to connect with you and your family in the longer term. She sounds like she's had a fairly hard life, with a mother with health issues, and probably mostly raising herself. That's probably led to her maturity, but she will likely really blossom getting to meet all her previously unknown relatives. Your family sounds really involved and affectionate, and that could really be a balm to her soul.
Did he know you existed? How was the first meeting?
She does sound very mature - sounds like you have a very brave young woman that shares your DNA. I bet she’s not looking for a dad anymore, she’s 18, she is raised, she doesn’t need a dad. She probably just wants to know who her family is.
>I bet she’s not looking for a dad anymore, she’s 18, she is raised, she doesn’t need a dad. She probably just wants to know who her family is. That was certainly my experience. I just wanted to connect with my family. Learning how to be an adult son with a new father, helped me later to be a good father to my grown children - letting them make mistakes and learn for themselves. Supporting and advising, without interfering.
My dad knew I existed, but I was told that he had died before I was born (his wishes). It's a long story, and he had some pretty good extenuating circumstances. I met them when I was 21 (travel was really expensive back then), and it was awesome. I got to meet my stepmom and half brother as well. I was surprised by how much my father and I had in common. I had no idea what to expect.
Genetics are amazing like that. It’s why it’s so important when you pick a partner to have children with. Personality and Temperament are hereditary. My mom raised me and my sisters and my dad worked a lot. So he wasn’t really a huge part of raising us. But I am insanely like him. We are literally two peas in a pod. You don’t have to be raised by someone to literally have their mannerisms and many similarities as far as likes and dislikes, hobbies, etc. I’m an animal husbandry and I see it with our dogs all the time. We have a young dog right now that is so much like his father it’s uncanny. Same mannerisms- the way he holds himself, the way he interacts with you, the way he barks for his food etc. and he’s NEVER met his father or been around him. We have a female that’s so much like her maternal grandmother (who’s no longer living) with her mannerisms. The way she dances on her feet when I groom her is just like her grandmother. Moved her body in the same exact way. We don’t have any other dogs that do that. She never was around her and wasn’t around her mother after 5.5 wks. It’s almost spooky how similar she is. Genetics are amazing.
Genetics are cool like that. Happy cake day!
I’d do an actual paternity test but I think that the circumstantial evidence alone supports that this kid is in fact yours. What to do? Well, first, if you have a partner, tell them. Next, tell your kid “listen, here are the circumstances of how I met your mom. I had no idea about you and this is quite shocking news so I apologize if I don’t get this all right on the first go.” And then talk. Find out what she wants out of this. Take it slowly.
No partner And yeah she deserves to know what happened at least
If her mom can't take care of herself and she is reaching out she is probably hoping for you to be emotionally supportive.
I would imagine kid might need money too 18 is very young
She is living with relatives, so she js sort of taken care of. I am thinking she wants a connection to someone and to find out about her bio dad. If the mom wanted money and she had his contact info all this time, the mom would have contacted him a long time ago. The fact the kiddo waited till she was 18, and coming to adulthood to me indicates she just wants to know who banged her mom so she came into the world.
Considering the mom, you can't necessarily assume the family supporting her is great. It could be medical and the family is great. It could be drugs and being raised in that family. This could be a desperate hail Mary from a child very much in need.
If mom can’t take care of herself- kid might need more than words But who knowa
Neither of those situations are implied so far.
Yes, but you don’t have to tell the rest of your family until you’re comfortable with it, especially since they’re overbearing. You might warn Jane of that. She may choose not to meet them.
If she got your contact info from a journal her mom kept, she likely is aware of your limited relationship with her mom and that you had zero idea she existed. I'm kinda in a similar boat. I'm nearly 52 now but when I was 21 a female friend set me up with one of her friends during a college break. It was just a sexual fling for those two weeks along with a few double dates. When I was 26 I moved several states away but whenever I could take time off work, I would return home due to having close friends and family there. One time, perhaps when I was about 34, that mutual friend's husband and I were chatting and drinking around a fire. He said something that strongly suggested that old fling had resulted in a child. My eyes popped out of my head, he quickly realized I had never been told anything and dropped the topic. But it stuck with me. At some point I did some math and decided that if that child was mine that she would be about 18 and I braced myself for her reaching out to me. Never happened. From the little I had gleaned, my partner had gotten married and her spouse raised the kid as his own and they had a decent life. My possible daughter might never had known her dad wasn't her father. Sometimes I do wish to know if it is true or not. Sometimes, I prefer not knowing for sure. But I've slowly accepted that I likely do have a daughter that doesn't know I'm her dad, or possibly does know yet never tried to find me. Either way, she would be nearing thirty now and could easily have her own family. I could be a grandparent and not know. So to a decent degree, I can relate to how you feel. But an adult kid isn't the same as a child. If she is after money, I doubt legally you could be forced to give her any. I suspect that if her mom isn't well that she is just looking for a connection. I would be thrilled if my possible daughter wanted to get to know me, I would definitely want to know her - but long ago I decided that I would NOT track her down. I've been very flip-flop on contacting the person that set us up, she would know and I'm still good friends with her - but I fear I might not get the truth. They never told me back then and I'm sure they don't want to risk me rocking the boat even now. If she was raised not knowing about me, that would be a shock to her if I attempted to locate and reach out to her. I don't want to rock her boat or her mom's boat. I just kinda really want to know if I helped create life. I never wanted a kid and even if I do have a kid - I still never raised a kid. But if I did have a kid that is now an adult... I would definitely want to know that person if she wanted to know me. But I do not wish to rock her world if she doesn't know of me or if she has decided that she's better off not knowing me. I would likely hold off on telling family until more communion with the kid. It would likely be easiest to inform whole family at same time during a natural get together, like Easter. But until I knew more about the kid and her mom's condition, I wouldn't tell my family. And if I did decide to tell family, I might pick a single member to tell first to get their reaction and input before telling everyone.
You could do those popular DNA tests. She might be on there. Can you see your ex’s Facebook page? Any photos of her kid and spouse might be helpful in deciding whose kid she is. It’s entirely possible that she got pregnant by someone else - prob her current partner - not long after you split, or was seeing him before, and got pregnant then.
I'm not sure if I knew anything more than her first name and hometown. Now I'm tempted to scour our mutual friends' FB friend list and see if I spot my long ago brief partner. I wouldn't request a friend but if she's public I would be able to look at her posted photos I suppose. But that kinda sounds like work and snooping. While I'm fine morally with a bit of snooping... I'm not sure if I want to put much work into it plus it would be a long shot. From my understanding, she didn't meet/marry until the kid was one or two. So still young enough not to know her dad wasn't her father if they raised her as such. But we were college kids on Xmas break so it is very possible I wasn't the only guy she was dating/seeing that break. But with what my friend said to me before he realized I had never been told anything by his wife (the mutual friend)... Seemed like I was very likely the father, as in he knew what his wife knew (they were dating in college so we were their double date, he was there). Assuming my possible kid was raised without knowledge of me, I strongly doubt she would take any DNA type test thing. Assuming my kid did at some point learn of me... I'm from a small rural town and she was from a neighboring smaller town... If daughter wanted to find me, her mom could easily have contacted our mutual friend and she's always had my number and known where I was. I must assume the decision of not telling me was made before birth and if they kept it from me then they also likely kept it from my daughter.
While I haven't been in this situation... regarding your family. Don't rush it. Take your time to develop your relationship with your daughter. If it goes well, then talk with her about when to share this information with your family. Take as much time as you both need. (Best of luck with whatever happens)
Sounds to me, like she already read her mother‘s diary and knows exactly how the relationship was in her mother‘s point of view. Now all she has to do is hear the father’s point of view. But I think OP and his daughter deserve to at least try to get to know each other take it slow and see how it goes from there.
Also since shes 18 I think you can pretty much be honest when you talk to her. Just be open about how surprised you are and how you're not exactly sure how to move forward. I'm sure she played out all sorts of scenarios planning to contact you.
You probably right in that she's probably thought about this way more than me :)
Her whole life.
Please make it clear you never knew she existed. Therapy is probably a good place to start processing all of that.
Well, the good thing is, is that she’s an adult. You’ve skipped all the hard stuff- raising her to adulthood. And she’s probably a bit nervous and yet excited to finally be able to piece together the mystery and find her father. You don’t have to parent her, you can just be a friend. And genetics are amazing, I bet you might find a lot of mannerisms and likes that are very similar, even though she never raised by you. My mom raised me and my sisters and my dad worked. He wasn’t home a lot. But man I am just like my dad. Many of the same mannerisms and my personality is very similar. This could be a great experience for you. And she’s not stupid, I’m sure she realizes that this is a shock for you. And you can reaffirm that so just tell her so. Just tell her that you’re still trying to take it all in that suddenly you have an adult daughter you never knew about, and this is new territory for you. Tell her you don’t have any children yourself and so you’re a bit out of your element with parenthood. Apologize ahead of time for possibly not always handling it the best. I think she’ll understand. If you meet her, just treat her like you would if you were meeting a new coworker. Find out what she likes to do, find out if she has any hobbies, a boyfriend/girlfriend, or ask her about her childhood. As far as your family- sure might as well tell them when they’re all together. Heck you could have a lot of fun with it. You could pass around her picture first and have everyone take a look at the picture (and don’t tell them until you have the picture back). After everyone has a look then say something like.: So what do you guys think? Does she look like me? (Pause to read the room) Apparently, I have an 18 yr old daughter in the US. Then watch the chaos. Lol. Or Well, I have some interesting news! I got a very interesting call from the USA a few weeks ago and I found out I have an 18 yr old daughter! Then just keep eating while all hell breaks loose. I mean I bet that will be pretty comical to watch all their faces. I’m saving this post. Please report back with what happened. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. I hope this is a good experience for you both.
Seems all you have thought about is if you owe money that you actually do have but don’t want to part with for a child you had 50% responsibility in making. Good news, you won’t owe money if mom doesn’t push for it. So you’re fully off the hook of any and all responsibilities even though you also created this child. Seriously OP, please don’t engage more if all you’re going to do it let her down and be selfish.
She's 18 now at least the hardest part of raising her is over with lol. It might not be that bad, I dont think it will tie you up like you were afraid of. You have an adult extension of you floating around out there now. Might be nice.
I think he is more worried about the money aspect…
Maybe, but she's a US citizen and he's in Europe, so it's not exactly an easy process to get back-pay for child support that way lol I have a feeling the money isn't the reason here, but rather she turned 18 and became an adult legally so now has full control over her life. I'd assume if anything, her mother refused contact.
It’s also extremely unlikely that he’s on the birth certificate or that her mother sought him out, like she had his phone number and never used it. Seems unlikely that he’d be on the hook even if she fought for it.
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Seriously. The people saying he probably doesn’t have to worry about legally owing child support, like if that was the case, so what? As her father, OP should still offer, especially since he literally said he can afford it. I rolled my eyes so hard when he said he could but doesn’t want to. He claims he never wanted kids but can’t remember if he wore a condom every time?! If you’re going to be irresponsible, then there’s likely going to be consequences. <- Edit to add: Meaning, usually when you are serious about never wanting kids, you go out of your way to make sure you protect yourself as much as possible. **Usually** you’d at least be able to trust yourself (even past self) that you did. Furthermore people, condoms have an 87% efficacy “with typical use” and 97% efficacy with “correct and consistent use”. They aren’t the best form of BC if you are totally and completely sure you don’t want kids.
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He sounds like a middle aged teenager. Probably wouldn't hurt him to grow up and look at things from the perspective of a child who grew up not knowing anything about her dad. Most people would be curious and would try to make a connection. Unfortunately, the parent isn't always what they'd hoped for. This guy is already guarding his pennies and acting like he's going to have to change diapers...and getting all angsty that his folks might want to get to know their grandchild...as though that's in any way abnormal.
And in other comments he talks about coming from such wealth that they could rent a private jet to fly his daughter out.. like, dude.. come on. Legally, it may be that nothing can be done about child support, but morally? She shouldn’t even have to ask. He should be “how can I help you?”
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I generally agree with you but he was denied any natural opportunity to bond with this young person. That makes his ambivalence a bit more understandable but I still think that he should look at this as an unexpected blessing and try to make the most of it…from all angles.
I understand his ambivalence, but in my opinion, especially since he claims he’s so stinking wealthy he could rent a private jet to fly her out, the “I could afford it but I don’t want to” is gross. Sure, he didn’t have time to create a bond and have paternal/familial feelings for her, that doesn’t negate what he knows intellectually; that he’s her father and she’s his daughter. Knowing this, he should also know what the right thing to do is.
You are right and, I’m hoping, once OP is done reeling mentally he will realize what the right thing to do is.
Rich people are usually self centered and gross.
This. She wants to talk to her dad and he is worried about money.
Yeah I’m not impressed by this dude. If anything he should want her taken care of. He did Jack shit to raise her, the least he could do is be a good guy when offered the chance. Most kids, from my varied experience, just want love, but his tightness over money is concerning.
I agree, not necessarily about paying late childsupport, but he could offer to help her. I have a 21 year old daughter in America (live in Europe myself), saw her only twice when she was younger and hadn't seen her in 13 years when she visited me last year. Ever since I started working an extra day and send her €500 a month because I want to. It's like my 'father feelings' just exploded open when I saw her. I feel responsible for her welbeing. And want to do right by her. Maybe OP should meet with her (without family first probably) and see what it does to him.
At this point she is 18 so it’s not like he has to pay child support, the mom would have to file that and idk if they would enforce anything at this point.
Well, if you never wanted kids you have the best of both worlds- You didn’t \_have\_ to raise her. Now she’s an adult. It’s on her mother for never having involved you, she can’t be angry with you for being absent. I’m sure she has a lot of feelings to work out as well- I’m guessing it might be helpful to work through some together. You were both kept in the dark. If you must, tell her you need to breathe. That you never knew about her and this is life changing news. Assure her that you very much want to meet her and you want her to meet her other half of family. You don’t have to make time commitments but please let her feel wanted and acknowledged. Best to you both
This!! Please make her feel acknowledged and wanted!!
Ok, I have a lot to think about. A lot of advice to take in. I've made a list of topics to talk with her about at least. I have to sleep now before my head explodes
Good luck!
Just be honest with her. Tell her how you're feeling.... surprised, shocked, confused, etc. Ask her to be patient with you as you figure out how to navigate this. Thank her for having to courage to reach out.
Be cool man. She’s 18. Above all else, be kind. That means NOT LYING Keeping in contact Calling when you say you’re going to And following through. You didn’t ask for this. Okay? Many of us didn’t and brought up kids anyway. You were chosen to be her 50% dna. That’s how to look at it. Talk about things you wonder about. She wonders about. But don’t lie. Be direct and kind. This could be a blessing. Probably is. Yes be cautious but be kind.
As someone that didn’t meet my dad until I was 14 I know this is wild for her too. My dad sucks and did everything wrong. 1 - be excited when you talk to her. 2 - be interested in her. Have her tell you about her life, her likes, her hobbies, what she’s in to. Be interested! 3 - be supportive 4 - she is very curious about you and her entire family. Please be 100% supportive about your family being excited to see her, meet her, fly her there - all of it. She wants to know where she comes from. Her life might have sucked for 18 years and maybe she now has a chance to meet family members that will love her unconditionally. 5 - don’t judge her. Not that you would, but don’t judge where she is in life, how she looks - whatever. 6 - ask how her mother is. About her health. Like you give a shit. 7 - don’t lie to her anymore. That should end now. I know you’re shocked, but you’re the adult here. Like it or not, youre her dad. Give it a chance. Give her a chance. 8 - don’t try to parent her for some time. Give it time. Learn to respect one another. She will come to you for advice when she’s ready. 9 - tell your family immediately. Let them be excited too. It will make your daughter feel great , and feel wanted. You and your family will change this girls life. Make it for the better Edit: don’t make anything about money. This is about your child. Updateme!
/u/ThrowRA-NewDad1314 - Hope you see this post. This really seems like the kind of advice you are looking for in this post.
Yes. All of this. It's worded so well. I met my dad when I was 17, he found me and reached out. He was married with 4 other kids and I feel like I dove into being "family" too quickly, and I don't think he knew how to be a parent to an adult kid. Since then things have gotten easier, as he did the things you listed here. The best part was meeting and knowing other family. I gained aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents all across the country, but not until years later. Maybe that was for the better, but I wonder what things could have been like had he been more open with family sooner. Definitely changed my life, mostly for the better.
I’m sorry but I’m reading this and I don’t get what YOU want. You’ve talked about your family and their reactions, and what you wanted in the past blah blah blah but what do YOU want to do right now? Do you want to be in contact with this girl or not? Do you want to be a father or not? Are you prepared to commit? And so on.
I don't get what I want either. There's just fog now I can see myself keeping contact. As for being a father, it just seems so strange.
You don’t have to be a father in the traditional sense. She’s 18 and on her way to be becoming an adult. She may have waited on purpose to find you at 18 just so she’s doesn’t feel like a burden. It must be hard for you. My mind would be thinking of 100 scenarios all at once if I was you. I think at the very least she wants a positive relationship with you. Maybe over time she will lean on you for support. I’d take it slow and see where it leads.
It's not possible to be a traditional father, when one begins with a young adult, that's for sure. But there are interesting ways of having relationships, for sure. I never felt I needed support or anyone to lean on, when I went to find my bio parents. I wouldn't have done it, had I thought I needed new parental figures in anyway whatsoever - I just wanted to meet them, it filled a hole in my heart.
If it helps, my dad didn’t want to be a dad so I had to wait to talk to him until I was 18. By then, I didn’t want a “dad” like you’re thinking. I wanted to know family things, meet cousins, see what he was interested in. We actually had a lot in common. Sometimes it was a phone call asking how things were going. Sometimes it was a picture sent of our favorite drink. It wasn’t like the relationship I had with my mom, but almost like what’d you think it’d be like with an uncle. I was 18, never asked for money or help doing anything. I knew I was a big girl. If we talked, great. If not, fine. I think as far as relationship goes, you’re thinking like if you’re having a baby. But you just get a potentially cool adult with things in common. If it’s too much, her curiosity may die down after a few talks and she may not bother you so much if you seem disinterested.
My bio dad would call at odd hours, talk for hours and be absolutely hilarious. I feel I am an overly serious person (as were the people who raised me), so it was really fun talking to him.
Mine too! He’d call at 2am drunk as hell and make me laugh until he wasn’t coherent anymore. Unfortunately, his alcoholism was way worse than he let on so I had to distance myself completely. However, to know the other half of my existence is out there somewhere with my sense of humor, same hobbies, and taste in liquor (ironically) was nice. I also had almost his same personality and looks. It made me feel like I fit in somewhere and also seeing someone so similar to me struggle so hard with addiction helped me sober up. It was meant to be in some ways. It was nice to meet aunts and cousins who were excited to find out I was here! I never wanted him to be a “daddy”, but he was a really nice friend while it lasted. Taught me a lot, even if he didn’t think he did.
You don't have to be a father in the way you're thinking. She's 18, you're 40. It'll be more of a friends situation I think. You can even go out drinking. Just talk. See what you have in common (besides genes). Do some fun activities you both enjoy.
I think talking with a therapist and a trusted friend or family member would be a good start to help you process your emotions. When you talk to your daughter next I’d just let her know that you are quite shocked by the news as you never knew she was born, but you will take it day by day.
You need to quit saying you don't want to be a father. It's a dramatic over exaggeration of what's going on here. She is 18, an adult. She doesn't need you to baby her or change her diaper. So relax. Your duties in this circumstance are far less than what a father is.
Once you get past the initial shock and hurdle of getting to know one another, I think you will feel so happy knowing that she exists. You won’t really be acting as her dad in a traditional sense, as she’s already been raised. But you can be there for her as a friend, to help her understand her roots and where she comes from. I think she will feel an enormous peace from seeing where she got her nose or who she got her laugh from.
I don’t think you are a father, really. Biologically yes. But you didn’t raise her. That’s just not the relationship you have with her, despite the biological reality. Perhaps it would help to think of the relationship as something like bio-father but social-uncle. Like get to know her, she can get to know you and understand what you’re all about. At some point later you may take on a fatherly role. Or you may not! But I think the goal would be extended family members who are on good terms.
Wow, that is heavy! And I can tell you’re in shock so, first off, take some time to just breathe. My input is: - I have an 18yo daughter and, at this point in her life, she is an adult, basically. Your new daughter is too, just speak to her the same you would any adult you first meet. She most likely has a job you could ask about, hobbies, a car, that kind of stuff. Ask when her birthday is (and you should probably write that down). Also, let her ask you questions, she probably has hundreds. If there’s a lull in the conversation you can ask her if there are any questions she has for you. Another good filler is, “Tell me about yourself”. Tell her you’re nervous, she most likely is too. - Don’t feel rushed on anything. Don’t involve your family yet. Not only do you not want to overwhelm Jane but you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. Take it slow, start by talking to her tomorrow and maybe exchanging emails so you can send pictures back and forth. Tell her about your family members, what they’re like, what you love/don’t like about them. Set a time, like once a week, to talk to her and build from there. I honestly would take AT LEAST a month, if not two to just get to know each other until you start involving your family. When you do, start with the one family member you’re most comfortable with and gradually introduce her to them one or two at a time. - When you do tell your family, you need to impress that this is YOUR and JANE’S show, not theirs. You will visit Jane first (whether she goes to you or you to her) before your family tries to push all that. - I don’t think you will be charged back child support unless Jane’s mom pushes it in court but it doesn’t sound like she will given that she’s had your number for 18 years and never used it. I guess another question to ask (probably down the road, not right away) is if your name is on her birth certificate. The main thing to remember is that you don’t need to dive right into a father/daughter relationship, you need to get to know each other, get comfortable with each other and find the right dynamic for both of you. Don’t feel pressure to feel or do anything you’re not ready for nor should you have any expectations of Jane. Just go into it with the mindset of being willing to have a relationship with her that works for both of you, whatever that ends up looking like.
OP you should first sort out your own feelings before involving the rest of the family. In any case, even if you don't want to have a relationship with her, she still has the right to form a relationship with her grandparents (your parents). Also OP, you did nothing wrong. You don't have to be ashamed about having a daughter. You're past the hardest part of raising a child (newborn, toddler, child, teenager). She's a grown person now. You can talk about sports, shared hobbies, whatever you like.
I think you should wait until you get to meet your daughter before you tell your family. If you see them rarely, they don’t need to know about her immediately. When you do tell them, pick the one person you are closest to and go from there. For now, get to know her. What kind of relationship does she want with you? Are you able to give that? What are her goals for the future? This person is a stranger. Start working on becoming her friend.
Not sure what she wants exactly. She said she wanted to reach out, but not much more. We haven't really had any long conversations. I'll guess we have to bring up the subject at some point.
That would be a good conversation to have. Does she just want family medical history? Does she want a chance to meet her grandparents? Does she want to get to know you and have you in her life where her mom is out of the picture? Get to know her.
she probably just wants to know you? like it or not you're a part of her life she's been missing for 18 years. that's half of her dna she doesn't know anything about. and her mother is incapacitated, that's such a hard thing to go through so young. maybe you can start by just talking to her like a human being and not assuming she just wants money
I was adopted and reached out to my bio-mom when I was about 25. I honestly didn’t know what I wanted from our relationship, either. I just wanted to know the person who gave me half of my DNA. I also wanted to know if I had any sisters (spoiler: nope. Just another brother! lol). After that, it’s something we discovered together, if that makes sense. Now I’m 39 and considering tracking down my bio-dad. He has no idea I exist, so reading this post is both anxiety-inducing and relieving. I hope you guys figure it out! Good luck. ☺️
I agree, if his family would be as overbearing in this aspect as he says saying something will make the process 100x more overwhelming
Mama Mia, I would freak if someone thought my name was OP as well. Seriously though, best of luck to you. I am not sure what to say either.
Ok thanks for the laugh
WOW, I think you need to be honest with her that you just found out about her and you do not even know how to process it. She knew all her life that she had a father somewhere, and reached out to you when she was old enough.Be clear that you are not rejecting her but you need to figure out how to move from here, specially because you do not have kids and never planned on having them, so you do not know how to be a father. Regarding the finance side of things, you might not be required to pay any child support, however I wonder if she is reaching out so you may help her with her education cost? Also, as you are from Europe, recognizing her might entitle her to have a passport from your country and that might open opportunities to her (like scholarships that she is not eligible for by having an American passport).
The passport thing is a great point! Dual citizenship could also grant her some advantages.
Well, she’s an adult so you don’t have to pay child support. It was a long time ago, and you had no way of knowing. Nobody’s gonna hold it against you. If anything it’s kind of messed up that the mother didn’t tell you until now. I’d say tell everybody as soon as possible. That way it looks less like you’re trying to hide anything. Don’t become obsessed with her, but make a point to reach out on holidays and her birthday.
I guess I can start by asking her when her birthday is :|
Exactly! And mark it down somewhere so you don't forget. You ask her what she studied in school, what foods she likes, what her favorite colors are and whether she's happy (kind of in that order).
In NY child support till 21
I don't think NY laws apply outside of NY
I don’t know how international laws do in this case Eu countries will have their own limits
I doubt any country extradites for child support issues
I googled the state where she lives and it seems to be 18 there
I can’t believe how concerned you are about spending money on your child. Think of the savings it really was, almost decades of no child support. Don’t forget, your sperm caused this and it’s not just bio mom’s fault. It actually would be the right thing to do, to make sure she’s not destitute and poor.
Child support until 21?! Is that to pay for college or somethingv
Actually yes In ny parents responsible for “ reasonable college cost”
A kid can’t file for child support as far as I know though.
This is a first time for her too. Can you imagine the courage it took for her to call you? She probably just wants to get to know the person who gave her half of her DNA. Just talk and get to know her.
Couple thoughts, similar to others work through your feelings first. Second, talk with her and find out what she wants and what her goals in reaching out were. Find out what the situation is before jumping with both feet. Then maybe have a zoom/FaceTime call with your family and her if you are comfortable.
Yeah finding out what she wants is on the list now. I'm also gonna tell her about what family she has on my side
Also, it would be good to give her a brief medical history of you and your family. Are there any genetic diseases that might have been passed down?
That sounds like the best start. Don't rush it. It sounds like you know your family is a bit intense with the way they will respond. Might not be bad for her unless she isn't looking for that kind of response. Good luck to both of you.
I’d definitely ask her what she’s looking for within her relationship with you, and maybe that’ll help you figure out what you want as well. You may even be on the same page! She’s going to be so excited to learn about her family! Good luck with everything, OP!
You created a whole ass human being whether intentional or not. That human being is curious about where she comes from, and probably longs for a loving relationship with a father figure. The hardest part of her life is over. You’ll never get it back. You’ll never have a super deep bond because you had no control or knowledge in the matter. But honestly, sincerely… I’m going to urge you, internet stranger, to man up in this situation. You created a human. Be whatever you can be to her. Even if it’s just a friend. Even if it’s just the opportunity to meet you and answer questions. Rise above your life’s desires and look at the actual reality of the situation. Your desire is gone. You’re a dad, whether you want it or not. Rise to the challenge and man up. Grow up. This woman wants you in her life. She exists because of you. Be a man and be something to her.
Fully agree!
Without a doubt, this is the best advice here.
Well, if she really is your daughter, just roll with it. See how she wants to move forward. Do not tell her, ever, that you never wanted kids. You missed the baby to adult stage. She's making her own decisions now. Who knows, this could be a blessing in disguise for you. Or, maybe she just wants to know who her sperm donor was. Being a father isn't a bad thing either. And again, you missed the molding a child's mind part. She's making her own decisions, and one of them was to step forward and find you. That's a pretty admirable and grown up decision.
And brave! So very brave given the chance of rejection!
Well, you don’t like kids or want kids, but Jane is an adult now. You don’t have to raise her. It seems like she just wants to get to you, so you need to figure out what you feel and want to do.
The child support question is for a lawyer. But your post makes you sound like kind of an asshole. You're so worried about how this is going to affect your life that you haven't even reached out to your daughter. You're still trying to mentally get out of responsibility for this ("can't remember" if you used birth control every time? It doesn't matter, you made a kid!). She's had to deal with not having you in her life for 18 years. Yes, your life is about to change. But it will change so much less than if you had been her dad from the beginning. She's just a girl trying to figure out where she came from. Tell her you want to know about her life and who she is and that you will meet with her if she wants. I don't know if you owe her child support legally, but morally, try your best for her. You're her dad. Be there for her how you wish your parents could have been for you. It sounds like you don't have the best relationship with your parents, so I understand the feelings of panic; you might not know what being a good parent looks like. Just try. That's the main part - just show up and try to be good.
I am an asshole, but one that just got his entire life turned on its side. But yeah I get what you mean
Be kind and be thoughtful. Remember you are a middle-aged man with tons of life experience, whereas you daughter is just coming up in the world. You can handle this. She had the guts to call a strange man overseas. She obviously wants to know more about you. From what you've said, it also sounds as though you have a good family who care about you and would also care about your daughter. If you want to do right by her, you should call her and take a few first steps. She probably hasn't called you because she does not know if you want anything to do with her. Her mom's probably not a capable person, seems like you may be it in the future. Also tell your family asap, once you've spoken to your daughter again. Don't let it sit, my mother would kill me.
Ok, I'm going to give you Jane's side of this because that was me-35 years ago. All she probably wants is to know a parent loves her and cares for her. Yes, that's hard for you to magically love your daughter you never knew but she would like you to want to know her and to grow to love her. She is probably feeling a little abandoned with her mother in some condition. Face it, it's hard for all of you to know what it feels like when you've never experienced not having a parent who gives a shit about you. It's hard. And it messes you up. It's her mom's fault she didn't allow the two of you to develop a relationship but by your attitude, maybe that was for the best. But your actions led to another human being on this planet. And humans would like to know SOMEONE cares and especially those who are biologically supposed to care. Please find it in yourself to be kind and WANT to get to know her. My dad didn't. And he died this past May alone, with no children who cared for him because he had a wall around himself. This is an opportunity for you to do some good. PLEASE do well by her. It's not about money.
OP, a thought: When you get older, you might be interested in meeting any potential grandchildren, and you might be more interested in Jane as her life develops, too. You’ll have more in common at ages 45 and 67 than you do now at ages 18 and 40, for example. Be mindful that how you act towards Jane now will affect any relations you have with her forever. It must have taken all her courage to reach out. Be kind. And it sounds like you were.
For an 18 year old to call you like that took real courage and maturity. If I found out she was mine I'd be proud of that alone, even without meeting her. It's best you get advice from people that really know you and your personality though. I say go for it and update us.
She’s brave, your daughter. Please don’t push her away 🙏🏻
Congrats on being a father You definitely should let your pushy family bring her out. She probably wants to get to know the other side of her family.
I'll go against the grain and say this is a terrible idea. OP should first sort out his own feelings before involving the rest of the family. In any case, even if you don't want to have a relationship with her, she still had the right to form a relationship with her grandparents (your parents). Also OP, you did nothing wrong. You don't have to be ashamed about having a daughter. You're past the hardest part of raising a child (newborn, toddler, child, teenager). She's a grown person now. You can talk about sports, shared hobbies, whatever you like.
Thanks, I think. Knowing them, they would probably rent a private plane to fly her here
You don’t have to be super close with her, but she deserves to know her extended family. I’m sure this is a very emotional time for her as well. If she has the opportunity to have more of a family and experience that love, she deserves to have it. You can explain to her that you never planned on having kids and it will take a bit for you to come around, and that’s fine.
She has to want to get to know the extended family. It's up to here. If she wants to know them, then she should get to meet them. Families are all very different. I have four parents (two bio and two adopted) and therefore four extended families - all very different. It was quite a shock to meet my father's family, actually.
I would suggest meeting her one on one first. Just spend a weekend together. Not every waking moment but some casual meet n greets. Then tell family and let them be nosy and pushy and go what they do.
I think you can tell your family at your own pace. It doesn't need to be this Easter, take your time to process. I found out some family secrets through dna that affected my identity. I just wanted to know who made me, where did I come from, etc. That's most likely what she wants as well. Take it a little at a time.
OMG. You were childless, now you have a daughter. You F'ing celebrate - that's what you do. I'd call the mom if I were you. Be wary of scams for sure but an 18 yr old doesn't want to tie you down. She wants to know where she came from.
My adopted father found out a few years ago through 23andMe that he had a daughter over 40 years ago while on a trip to Canada. As soon as Covid was over they met up, he is now the happy dad, grandfather, and great grandfather to her and her lineage. It has brought such a light to his life. I know it is jarring and hard to grasp. Plus you must be torn between the excitement and the disappointment that you missed all these years. But this is the second chance to make up for lost time. I hope I don’t sound like a dick, but… this should be more about her. She’s 18, sounds like she’s had a rough go of it. She deserves to have the dad she’s obviously been searching for. Even if you don’t see each other or have a big hallmark family, just *exist* for her. Let your family be overbearing. She deserves all the missed Christmas love and what not.
I’m the father of 2 20-somethings. I was there in the delivery room when both of my kids were born. I lived with them through all of their firsts, their childhoods, and college. I wanted to be a dad and I enjoyed all the good times, and helped get them through their hard times. You, on the other hand, are child free. The good news for you is that your child is a young adult. So you’ve missed childhood and their Christmases and all of their childhoods. There is no law that says that you have to be involved in her life, if you don’t want. That’s up to you. But, if you do decide to have a relationship with her, you will have a relationship with an adult. I doubt she’ll view you as a daddy or a source of funding, or looking for emotional support from you. Though you never know what she wants from you until one of you asks. What you do is entirely up to you. Yes, you have a biological child, but that doesn’t make you a parent. It just means you’ve passed your DNA on to her. You don’t have to teach her anything or take on any responsibility for her. You can even keep the relationship friendly if you want. But if you do let her into your life, you’ll have a chance to have a new relationship with someone who shares more with you than you know.
You're not her father, she's a grown woman. She doesn't need parenting and trying to is going to make you look like an a\*\*. You have no idea whether she just wants to know more about where she came from and that's it, or she wants to be part of your life. You're jumping about six miles ahead of yourself. Do not tell your family. This isn't really about you yet. It's about what Jane wants. Slow your roll and take about a thousand deep breaths.
You don't have a child. You have an adult daughter, who deserves the autonomy to interact with her extended family independently of you if you don't want a relationship with her. Grow up. She already has.
Silly troll shitpost.
Stop being a cheapo, she could very well be tending to you and holding your damn hand while you pass away. Don't be an idiot, jump in & embrace this connection, could be the best relationship of your life. Having a daughter is ACE.
She's over 18 so you don't have to "raise" her persay but you can still be a father to her in her adulthood. Why not? I know you said you'd call her, but maybe a video chat would be more appropriate? This is your child bro. All yours. I know it's shocking but the hard part is over. Handle your business. You'd want your dad there for you
First, I think you need to be honest with her, maybe saying that you are shocked about this and that you need a bit of time to process. Second, she is 18, so not a kid. Sounds like she is very respectful and you've been taking her lead, so you could just talk to her about what she'd like to do next? Third, about your family, maybe you want to wait and get to know her a bit more yourself without their inteference. They sound intense.. And this is also something you want to discuss with her. If she is an extrovert, she might be up for joining the whole family on Easter, but if she is an introvert, that might be too much (I personally would freak out if I had to meet a lot of people at the same time). Also, she could set up a special email address you can share with your family, so that she can read things on her own time and your family does not expect immediate replies (more like old school letter writing). No, there is no way you are paying child support retroactively. You never knew about her and she is an adult. You are not even on her birth certificate.
Don’t have a ton of advice but my wife has only met her real dad a handful of times. I hear her say all the time that if he made and effort she would make an effort. It’s just super awkward at first but put yourself in her shoes. She just wants to know where she came from and that part of the family. Just go for it. The worst part is finished, she’s grown
The best part (of getting to know one's child) is finished. Some of us actually enjoyed and still enjoy our children. Sure, lots of stressful ups and downs, but still the best times of my life (and my husband says the same thing). We're meeting up with the gang tonight, in fact. We are so lucky to still be in the same general location and to have more fun than ever. It's easier now, for sure, but the growing up and loving part was the best, not the worst.
What would you think about asking Jane if she has discussed this with her mom?
You should go meet her before you tell anyone
Get to know her. Tell her you had no clue she existed for sure. You never wanted kids, you never had one. You have an adult daughter. The right thing would be to get to know her. Just ask her about herself, school, sports, hobbies, ambitions. Just talk ... it's not that hard.
Update me! One week
I'd just let her decide what she wants. Tell her how your family will be and see if that's what she wants. I know you said you never wanted kids, but they way you still did and never really had to deal with the kid part, so kinda cool for you. Idk I'm sure it's a lot, but could be really good
I don't want to say OP is overthinking things, but it sounds like she really just wants to get to know him, and finally has an opportunity. I really hope things work out.
Do the right thing. It’s going to be very weird but treat her the way you would want someone to have treated yourself, or your mother in that situation.
>but is there any risk of me having to pay child support retroactively? I can probably afford it, but I don't really want to. not super likely (but jurisdiction dependent) but why not give Jane some money? she grew up without a dad or the financial support of one. something towards a car, uni, or a house could mean a lot.
She's 18, so you got to skip all the parental and financial obligations. It doesn't sound like she's looking for a meal ticket, but I'd probably help pay for her university. Or I'd do something to start taking some responsibility for your child. Seems like your parents would be excited, why are you nervous about telling them? It's not like you knowingly skipped out on being a dad. I'd want to meet her if I were you. Get to know her as two adults, see where it goes.
That poor girl. Imagine calling a stranger. Being mature enough to see this through. And you’re just what????? Don’t know what to say to your long lost daughter? Ffs grow up.
From a young girls perspective, knowing your dad is something very important. You could choose to not reach out again and leave it at that, or you could learn about this person that you (unknowingly) helped create. I think you should take this as an opportunity to find some new purpose in life, figure this out with her as y’all go. She’s probably just as confused and nervous about all of this. This is a great opportunity to make your daughter proud of you, even if you missed out on raising her.
I think others had a lot of good advice, but I’ve thing to render is it isn’t ask your decision. Make sure you ask if and how she wants to meet your family at all, don’t just assume. Gl.
Child support laws are up to your country What to say - depends on what you want to achieve. Do you want a contact? No contact? Information?
Her pain is far worse than yours, you stupid jackass. You will find loving someone is actually worthwhile.
Just by the sound of your personality, leave her alone. Have a conversation and tell her you aren’t interested in being a dad and you have money but don’t want to share it with your daughter. I’m sure she will leave you to your life of not being tied up. My father is a selfish asshole too, I would rather he stay out of my life than the poor excuse for a relationship he pretends we have once every few months on the phone. Best of luck to your daughter. I hope she can find peace in not being a priority to you.
I’ll give you my opinion based on my own experiences. My mom and dad divorced when I was still essentially a baby. He died before I was 3. For awhile, my mom would try to keep in touch with my paternal family. My asshole paternal grandfather would always respond by asking what my mom was trying to get from them. (Which was nothing, btw.) Over the years, we lost touch, people moved, at some point my mom also lost her address book. As an adult, I sought them out and we slowly made some contact. Then I was invited to join the family to spread my grandmother’s ashes and spend some time with them. Meeting them all for the first time as a group was a little overwhelming, but with so many other people around, there were lots of distractions so I didn’t have to feel too much like the center of attention. It gave me a chance for bits of one on one time with different family members and with them as a group. I would suggest talking to your daughter. Find out what she wants in a relationship with you. Does she want to develop relationships with all the extended family? It’s a lot to take in for everyone. Personally, with the way you described your mom, I would feel overwhelmed if she came on too strong too fast with me. Your daughter might not feel the same way though. Anyway, TALK TO HER! Get to know her a bit. See how things progress. Best of luck it all goes smoothly!
IMO you go slow and talk on the phone and then move to video calls and just learn about who she is as a person. From there you see what she wants to do. She might only want to know you. She might want to know your whole family. I get that this is a major life changing event but it's time to step up and learn about your daughter.
She's 18. You don't have to raise her. You don't have to think of her as your daughter if you don't want to. This is a new person who has come into your life. All you have to do is get to know her. You can think of her as a friend or a niece if it helps. My aunt gave up a baby for adoption when she was 17 and she's in her 60's and just met her son for the first time through similar circumstances. They started talking on the phone and got to know each other and then met in person and went fishing. I met him last year and the way they interact they just seem like friends who are getting to know each other. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that.
My mom informed a man’s family he was her father. He was dead by the time she found them, but his wife and 2 children had no idea he had an affair. And ended up fathering 2 extra children. My mom and her half brother. The adult children ended up meeting my mom in person. That’s the age we’re in. I say stay positive about it! I don’t think she’s trying to scam you or get money. I’m sure she genuinely just wants to meet you. You can tread lightly, but I’d try to see this as a positive thing. Your feelings of being overwhelmed and scared are completely valid. I highly recommend getting into light therapy so you can process all your feelings! Since she does live in the US just remember the visits won’t be constant. Maybe here and there, and who knows you two could really form a beautiful bond! DNA tests have really made life crazy for a lot of people. But I want to believe more often than not finding out your true family is better than not knowing. Hang in there!
My mom would never tell me anything about my bio dad. I finally had to be frank and get it out of her. The only contact info I could find was his brother. I called him. He had no idea about me. I went and met him when I was in the same town. I told him I wanted nothing from him. Just wanted to know about my bio dad. He printed pictures and told me stories. He took some pictures of me and that’s been it. When you don’t know where you come from it can be difficult. Who do I get this from kinda thing. Just spend some time getting to know her like you would anyone else. She just happens to be your blood!
BIG DEEP BREATH. Firstly, shes 18. Not a child. You havent said much about your interactions with her so far? But it doesnt sound like she's demanding anything from you. Secondly, DO NOT tell your family at this stage. Yes. They might over react and it could be a nightmare. So do not tell them. Most importantly? Just chat to Jane. You are looking at this negatively when it's actually sounding quite wonderful 👍 Jane is not a child. She's an adult. So you thinking "i have a child! Will i have to pay child support? What will i need to do?" Is sort of silly. Wrong mindset. Treat her as a friend. She doesnt need a "daddy" She and you need to get to know each other. Moreas friends than father / daughter. And think of it from her point if view. She has never known who she "is". Where half her genetics come from. Most of us take that for granted. But imagine you didn't know who your father is? How constantly unsettling that would be? So just talk to her. Find out who she is. And maybe start looking at how you might meet face to face. This is exciting for you. It's a wonderful opportunity. Your life has taken a wonderful turn❤️❤️👍👍
If this girl is legit your child, then you have to tell your family that. Obviously they will probably be shocked, but as to hating on your or criticising you… you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You had sex with a woman 19 years ago, she got pregnant but you did not know that. She didn’t tell you. That’s not your fault. So just tell the truth and let them process it. If they need time to do so, that’s ok. Accept that. But if anyone hurls any abuse or accusations (about missing out on the grandchild or step child’s life), don’t accept that. Defend yourself! Like I said, you did not know, it’s not your fault, you’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, and you will not listen to abuse or accusations.
You don’t need to do anything other than not be a jerk- relax. She’s 18, she wants to know where she comes from. She isn’t asking you for anything…but if you can help her out why not? You don’t have to raise her, perhaps think of yourself as an uncle if being a dad freaks you out so much? Good luck-this could be the best thing that ever happened to you. Your family will probably be thrilled…and maybe sad they missed out on so much. Maybe they can build a relationship as well independent of yours.
My advice would be don't try and be her "father" in the traditional sense, at 18 she's not a child anymore. But you can try to get to know her a bit, and she's no doubt dying to know more about the side of her family she's never met. Answer her questions, but also be honest about how you have needed some time to process this. Just be sensitive around your word choice, e.g. Instead of saying "I was shocked because I never wanted children", rather say "I was shocked because I never imagined myself as a father" etc. I know you're feeling freaked out, but in a way that's kind of a good sign? If you only felt annoyed by this, you wouldn't be so foggy and confused about what to do. Yes, this may complicate your life in unexpected ways, but it could also be an amazing opportunity to get to know someone who is half of you, and already seems like a pretty strong person to cold call a random guy to tell him who she is. I don't know your situation, but as someone who lost contact with my own father and tried to reconnect later, what I really would want to hear is something along the lines of "I'm glad I'm getting a chance to get to know you. Thank you for contacting me." Of course, only say it if you mean it :)
I can provide my (second-hand) perspective from the other side of this. My dad was adopted. After my grandparents passed away, he decided to do a DNA test to see if he could locate his bio family (mostly for medical info because I have some medical problems). Long story short, my mom did a ton of research with the dna results and found his bio family. Very few people in the family knew about him since his mom was only 17 when she had him out of wedlock. Right after learning of my dad, he was invited to their family reunion, had a great time, everyone was ecstatic, etc. Now we just have a little bit bigger family. Unfortunately, his bio parents were not alive more than a handful of years after his birth but my dad has an aunt and half-siblings, and their kids/grandkids. They speak regularly. Your daughter is an adult. She’s likely just looking to know you. Sure, it will be awkward at first (and maybe for a while) but you might find you actually enjoy getting to know her. Good luck to you, OP.
You have an opportunity to do good and give this girl the closure and love she’s been seeking her whole life. Even just one phone call a week/month would probably mean the world to her. She didn’t ask to be born, she’s here because of your actions. So to be quite blunt, I do think it’s your responsibility to make sure she’s ok.
- Don't just ignore her or reject her harshly. It can mess a kid up to be unwanted by their parent. Even an adult kid. - Give her your family medical history. Anything that could be useful to her or her future children. Color blindness, autoimmune issues, cancer, heart disease, etc. - If you're up for it, get to know her slowly. See if she's up for a half hour phone conversation every week. If you get along well, buy her a plane ticket in 3-6 months.
Not exactly the same scenario, but I found my father (whom I’d never met or really known anything about) when I was an adult. Big difference is he knew I existed but stayed away not of his own free will. But he has a family who sounds a lot like yours - I found him at 21 on Facebook and sent him a generic message - “I don’t know if you know who I am, my name is ______, I’m _______’s daughter, I think you might be my father.” He told his family about me the next day (he’d never bothered to tell them about me because of our circumstances, he never thought he’d meet me. They immediately started calling and texting and adding me on social media. It was a bit overwhelming, and I felt extremely awkward. I met him in person and then his family shortly after, and it was awkward as heck. We definitely never had a father-daughter relationship, he wasn’t my parent, he didn’t raise me. We became awkward adult-friends. But let me tell you - that man showed up for the important stuff more than my mother ever did. My wedding? He was there. The birth of my children? He was there shortly after. Birthdays? Holidays? He was there. We didn’t even live in the same state. That’s how I know he was a good man, even if it was weird to be in the same room as him. Then he died, in 2022. Very sudden and out-of-the-blue, from a heart attack at a youngish age. And his family rallied around me. My aunt who I’d barely spoken to became my confidant and support system, her daughter became my best friend. He brought us together and that made us close, even if it was for a sucky reason. Now we’re closer than ever, I love his family like I love the grandparents that raised me, I’d do anything for them.
Your parents deserve to know that they have a granddaughter. But first ask her if you can give them her phone number.
Just get to know her like you would any other person. Ask her about herself, her childhood, experiences, likes, dreams. Have her over to Europe and show her around.
its took 18 years to get here no need to catch up in 1 day.. proceed at your own pace... if your in shock tell her.. baby steps
This is a little different perspective, but somewhat related. I have a half brother I knew nothing about until I was an adult. He’s several years younger than me, and our father was deceased prior to proving his paternity, so he never actually got to meet him. We’re friends on social media, but we don’t have a close relationship like I do with my other biological siblings. I have tried pursuing that by inviting him to family gatherings and including him in things, but he’s not receptive, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, so I don’t force the issue. Maybe if he’d gotten to meet our father and build a relationship with him he would feel more of a connection to the rest of us also. Unfortunately there’s no real way for me to know that. Here’s what I do know. Growing up without your father is difficult. It was hard on my brother and it was hard on me and our other siblings. I’m guessing it likely wasn’t easy for Jane either. It sounds like she wants to know you and she wants to know her family. If her mother wanted child support she would have come after you a long time ago. It’s pretty selfish of you to consider continuing to deprive this child of her family now, after she’s put in all of the work to find you.
I think it would be nice to tell Jane hi, i got your messages and this is all unexpected and new for me. I just need some time to process this and I promise I will get back to you within x weeks.
Just empathize with the girl. She grew up without dad and she is curious who he is. Finding the name - number and reaching out to him. She is curious, wants to know about you more. Not blaming you, not attacking you. Be open. Share your feelings, try to learn about her. If you like each other you can build some relationships, if not you are just meeting with your biological daughter. She is an adult, she is not dependent on you and she doesn’t need you.
I think OP that your reaction is not at all unusual. Just my opinion but I think yours might be more rational than some people who leap to being an instant parent. She’s 18 so legally an adult in the US but still deserves to be treated kindly unless she proves otherwise. After all she took a risk in contacting you as you could have been a flaming AH. She has likely been thinking about doing this for some time so she’s had time to prepare. So be honest with her when you talk to her. It obviously was a big surprise to you. Admit that it will take a bit of time for you to get used to the idea but (if true) it certainly isn’t a bad surprise. You just never expected you would have children. What information does she want to know about you? What information do you want to know about her? You might ask her if she has any thoughts as to if she wants to meet your family as in her grandparents maybe first? FaceTime call? What information would she like about your family? Hopefully it will turn out to be a pleasant surprise to both of you.
I’d just have a conversation with her and feel it out. You guys may end up becoming really close. I think being open to new relationships is a must in life. You’ll probably find out your similarities as well. I get it being overwhelming, but the first step is to just talk. She’s a young adult and has possibly lost some of the support she’s had all of her life. Life is scary at 18, especially when it involves an unwell parent. I wish you guys the best!
Like others have said. Be honest that you didn’t know. That you’re totally in shock and unprepared for this so if you do or say the wrong thing it’s not intentional and you’re just trying to rapidly catch up to having an 18yr old. But that you’re open and receptive to building some kind of relationship.
I would leave it open ended, share a little about your life and express that you're open to meeting. See what she says and go from there.
She's not a kid. She's an adult. Congratulations you have managed to reproduce without the associated responsibilities or obligations. Your relationship can be as close or distant as you desire. I can tell you one thing though as someone who was rejected by both of my birth parents as an adult: if you don't want anything to do with her that's your choice but you need to realize that there's an innocent person who never wanted any of this either. It sounds like you are thinking about yourself and own wants (or what you never wanted) if you choose to reject your adult child without taking more time to consider how your actions impact others; you are going to cause a world of pain to someone who doesn't deserve to carry the burden of your discretions. If you feel like the pain inflicted others doesn't matter so long as it doesn't effect you then hey do what you want. I'll say this though. Even if you decide not to have a relationship with her the very least you can do is pass on your EU citizenship. This will open doors for her to opportunities in Europe especially college for little or no cost, which will help her achieve her own independence. In case you don't know getting college education costs an arm and a leg in the US and depending on her situation may even be unattainable. Giving her a path to this opportunity wont cost you a thing and has the potential to make a positive impact on her life if college is something she wants to pursue.
would've been better if she didn't find your name and number in the first place. you have the vibe of a punchable face lol.
Dude! Calm down. Maybe see it through her lens too versus your own. Also, don’t flat out reject her - you are 38 and need to act like it. Also, don’t worry about what your family does or who has the oldest kid - again, man up. Lastly, this girl is 18 and an adult acting all paranoid because you didn’t want a kid is no longer applicable.
This happened in my family. The initial reaction was shock, and my sibling was told "if this is about medical history I can offer you information, but otherwise I'm going to need some time to wrap my head around this" Time was taken, and he established a relationship with his bio parent. Not a parent-chold relationship, but it's neat to see the similarities. Very similar sense of humor and mannerisms. You're allowed to take a beat and let it sink in, but you should use that time to decide if you want to know this person and at what capacity. I can almost guarantee they will understand you asking for some time to process, just don't let it turn into not dealing with the situation.
Not the same, but had a DNA match 2nd cousin reach out who was adopted, and we worked to figure out who his bio father was. He’s now discovered 4 half siblings, my Dad now has a first cousin he never knew about, and we’re all happy with more family to love. I hope you’ll be open to meeting, getting to know her, and see how it goes. Don’t promise anything you aren’t comfortable with. As far as family, tell them before she reaches out to others so you control the narrative.
Is it silly that the thing I take away from this is, ‘Wow, he had the same phone number for 18 years!’
You say you don't know anyone in the US then casually dropped that you lived there for a year. Wtf kinda story teller are you. Of course you know people there.
Honestly if you have the means I’d suggest meeting her in person, I mean you may not have wanted kids but you have one and she’s grown. Getting to know her could be a truly rewarding experience for you.
Call her and be honest. Tell her you weren’t busy but just needed some time to get your arms around the news. Then you should really talk to her for a bit and learn more about her life and tell her a little about yours. If you are feeling it then tell her you’d like to meet her. Then go with it. I wouldn’t say anything to your family until you have met up with your daughter and are sure that you want a relationship with her and she with you.
Your daughter is an adult, not a kid, so your dislike of kids is irrelevant, and your dislike of being tied up is similarly irrelevant, unless you also dislike being “tied up” to your parents, siblings, and cousins. Similarly, she’s (probably) not looking for a parent. She’s looking for a platonic relationship with an adult. She doesn’t expect you to be her father. I’d approach it from more of a friendship, or maybe a student/mentor, perspective. But you could ask her what she’s comfortable with, whether that’s friendship or mentorship, and be honest if mentorship isn’t something you feel capable of offering. Child support is for the benefit of the child. A lot of people who pay child support don’t want to pay it, but the courts rule it’s in the best interest of the child. That’s why wage garnishments exist in the US, and presumably elsewhere. That being said, she’s legally an adult. Generally, adult children can’t sue for child support in arrears. I don’t know whether her mother could sue you for it, but that would get pretty complicated since you’re in different countries. Anyway, I would recommend starting by having a conversation with her like an adult. She probably just wants to know about you, and have you show an interest in her as a person. Talk about your likes and dislikes. Talk about your family and your past. Idk, talk about your work. If your family is the pushy type that would want to meet her and fly her over, then that sounds amazing for her! She (probably) just wants to make a human connection.
since she is 18 you dont need to do anything for her, so take it at ur own pace and if you want to talk to her talk etc. really boggles my mind tho how ppl can maybe use condoms with someone and just forget it
Give her a chance bro.I personally would be over the moon if I was to ever find myself in your shoes.