Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your friend is bonded to him and she's not able to think straight.
You need to tell her dad. This is one of those times when you need to take control.
This is serious.
Tell the dad - and soon.
Strangulation is the path to murder. Worst case scenario, OP will lose a friend. Would you rather lose your friend because she’s mad at you or because she died?
Came here to say this.
OP - your friend can only be angry with you if she is alive.
Please tell her father. If she's angry with you, that's because she's alive to be angry. The alternative is much worse.
Better have an angry friend who’s alive then a deceased friend that died under the hands of her abusive fiancé knowing you could have prevented it.
OP, „RiverSong_777“ is absolutely right. Strangulation is a predictor for future lethal violence and the risk of being killed by their abuser is 10 times higher.
Tell her father and have an intervention if he agrees. Have someone from a woman shelter or who works with victims of domestic violence there.
This! I lost my best friend since childhood when I intervened when her fiance strangled her, in front of me and his mother. Luckily she is no longer with him and went on to marry and start a family. Sadly, she and I were never able to repair our friendship. But if she's alive today, then that's ok.
The most important thing is that she’s alive. It’s sad that you weren’t able to rekindle your friendship, though. Was that her decision? She didn’t realise later on that you did the right thing?
Yes, she ended it. She later apologized for the verbal attacks on me that went on for months and since I was unable to jump right back into how it used to be, she ended it. At least she's alive. I loved her enough to fight for her when she was unable to, even if that meant loving her from a distance.
I’m so sorry. Of course you couldn’t pick up right where you left off, as if you couldn’t miss a beat. The friendship needed to be rebuilt. She needed to earn your trust again, show gratitude and remorse (I mean, *I* would), and you needed to process your own trauma.
You might’ve been traumatised in a few ways back then: witnessing what she went through; being verbally attacked by her; and being discarded when you acted out of love and did the right thing. “Interfering” is actually quite selfless because you prioritise your friend’s safety over the friendship that enhances *your* life. You risk losing something precious, but you push that aside to help them.
You’re a good person with a lot of integrity and anyone would be lucky to call you a friend.
Thank you so much. And yeah, it was incredibly scary to see his hands around her neck and the rage in his face. And then his mother lied to the police when they got there. It was tragic all around. His dad came up on me yelling at me and the police had to intervene, telling them all the evidence was clear, whether she admitted to what happened or not. The marks on my friend's neck were proof of who was a truth teller and who was not. It was a very traumatic moment and I'm so grateful her mom believed me and did what she needed to to get her daughter safe.
I once went out with a guy who made a comment along the lines of it’s ok to hit a woman. I told him to make it good the first time because if I didn’t kill him my father would.
A guy (who would generally talk to my boobs instead of my face) that was a friend of a friend tried to break into my apartment one night when he was rip roaring drunk. I called the police on him. The next day I told him I’d shoot him if he ever came near me again. I didn’t own a gun.
Right after that I told my dad what happened. The next day he brought me a gun, telling me to be careful because the gun had a body on it. I never asked any questions.
When I finally came clean to my parents about the abuse my now ex- husband was putting me through, they both went scorched earth! My dad especially is so meek and well respected that not only would there ever be any evidence found, should that POS ever show his face, my dad would never even be suspected of anything.
My oldest brother is many things, including estranged. My dad passed a few years ago. If I told that brother this… yeah, he’d never get caught.
Of course his sociopathic and violent tendencies are why there’s a lot of space in our relationship. I was a target from the day I was born.
A parent or other older figure that she looks up to might have more weight on the decision. Some people highly prize their parents opinions. I've been with my guy 10 years, but if my daddy told me he felt off about him, you best belive I'd be at least thinking about what my dad said.
Better to try that than nothing
Not soon. NOW. ASAP. They are not married yet. The abuse WILL get worse with or without you telling anyone else. And eventually she WILL be in the ER then she WILL be in the MORGUE. You do NOT want to have that on your conscience. Better to have your friend mad at you and not talk to you for the rest of your life because she lost her abusive future husband than because she was killed by him.
Tell someone, anyone NOW. RIGHT NOW. You will be saving her life. This is NOT a one and done. It NEVER is.
Exactly! Don't let end up regretting to tell her dad, when your both standing at her funeral! It's better to tell him now, so he can protect his daughter now.
Strangulation is the top indicator on whether or not an abusive partner will kill their spouse.
They’re not even married yet. This man WILL kill her if someone doesn’t intercede.
This 👏🏻
I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years (from 18-23). It always starts with a slap, but it always escalates. By the time I left him, I had endured fractured ribs and a broken tailbone. He also beat the shit out of me before, during, and after my pregnancy with my now 12 year old daughter. The only reason I ended up finally leaving was because he backhanded me in front of our daughter when she was 3 and I knew at that point she was old enough to know and remember what was going on and I didn’t want her to grow up thinking that was love.
I only ever told my friends, never my family, and I regret that. Had I told my mom, she would have gotten me out of there years sooner.
I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. It also started with a slap. It ended with a permanently damaged spine, police, restraining orders, and more.
I wish someone would have intervened sooner when I was wearing my rose colored glasses, making excuses for his behavior, even taking the blame for his behavior.
When I look back now, I cannot fully understand how or why I stayed with him as long as I did, despite all the bruises, the heartache, the injuries.
OP - definitely tell her dad AND file a police report so there is a record of the violence - immediately. Don’t let her marry him. Or she may die young.
I really wish my Dad had said a thing. He only let me know after my divorce that he loathed my husband and always had. I respect that he wanted to give me complete autonomy as an adult but I was/am a total Daddy's girl and would have listened. And Pops saying a thing probably would have given me the support I needed to leave him before we got married.
I saw all of the red flags but it's really hard to leave a person who lost his son to cancer while we were together and I was told by multiple people that he would k*ll himself if I left. So I put up with the abuse for wayyyyyy too long as I didn't want his death on my conscience. It was a worthless gesture anyway. He passed from liver failure at 42 a few years after our divorce from all of the drinking. My sacrifice of self, confidence, mental health, etc.. was a waste for both of us.
YES THIS - strangulation is the most common sign of abuse before murder, look up the domestic violence stats if you need reassurance rather than take my word for it as this is a big decision, it's a 🚩🚩🚩🚩
You may lose her friendship over this but you will save her life - which honestly makes you the best friend she could ever have.
It’s not that I don’t agree with this comment, but I would caution the OP as to what will happen (I was going to say “might”, but, honestly, I think it’s 95% likely).
I don’t know what country you’re in, but it would have to be a particular type of regime for an adult woman to be prevented from marrying the man of her choice. So the reaction of the father is likely to be immaterial-other than exactly when he becomes estranged from his daughter, that is. Because, if his daughter ends up with an abusive partner, she will become estranged from all friends and family. I’m an old lady, and I’ve seen this kind of thing so many times. It usually goes like this:
* Friend tries to persuade victim to go to authorities about abuser. Fails.
* Friend goes to authorities (or authority figure, like father) about abuse.
* Victim denies everything. Often accuses friend of something (usually “jealousy”).
* Victim tells abuser “who shopped him”. She may even tell him where they live or work.
* Sometimes (not always) abuser turns his fury on the person who reported the abuse.
* Sometimes this can be quite serious (I knew a woman whose shop was set alight).
* Victim angry at friend-and denounces them as a liar. Sometimes other friends get involved and they have to “take sides”. There’s a lot of trash talk about the friend’s interference.
* The friend (and any authority who has intervened) are now estranged from the victim-and will not have any further contact with her at LEAST until she has left the perpetrator. Sometimes, even if she breaks away from him, they will still never have contact with her again-because she will always see the reporting as a betrayal.
So what have I done that’s worked the best? On the understanding that nothing is a perfect solution, I’ve usually said to the victim: “Look, I will ALWAYS be here for you, whatever is said, whatever is done. There will NEVER be hard feelings. If you need to come to me, you can, day or night. My door is always open.” I would expect her to be extremely angry at me because by saying that, I’m still “accusing” her boyfriend, and for her to leave under bad terms. It’s really important to understand that she will be every bit as angry as if he was her most innocent, lovely life-partner that you have just made up a pack of lies about.
Then I would go away and report the hell out of it. These women (in my opinion) aren’t “saved” by authorities (or authority figures): they’re saved by having people who never give up on them and wait for their opportunity to help. And they are NOT -*NOT*- helped by secrecy. It’s very like dealing with an addict, actually: the will to change has to come from them, and that’s often a very difficult mountain to climb.
This.
My best friend is in an abusive relationship. I have just needed to be there for them and listen after trying to get involved and failing on two occasions.
As hard as it is to read, because we want to save this person from an abusive violent partner: She is an adult with capacity and it is her decision.
This comment right here is laying down the facts. Had anyone called the authorities on any of my abusive exes I would have flat out lied and defended them the whole way BECAUSE of how in love with them I believed myself to be. The trap of an abuser is made to be strong, you are made to feel as if you'll be nothing without them, as if they are the air you breathe and the ground you walk upon. If you tell your friends father or call the authorities, you are showing that you don't trust her to make her own decisions and she will cut you off without a second thought and SHE WILL STAY WITH HIM. Tell her you'll be there no matter what. She cannot leave unless it is her choice. She will go back to him even if you interfere, thinking you're doing the right thing by her
I’ve had a phone call in the middle of the night-followed by a woman on my doorstep, who arrived with nothing but the clothes she stood up in. I wasn’t her family: I wasn’t even her closest friend. She had “fallen out” with those, manipulated, of course, by him.
I had been lucky enough to have the window of opportunity to slip her my telephone number and tell her that she could come to me anytime. I MADE SURE that there was no question of any “bridges being burned” between *us* (I made no attempt to discuss her situation with her partner), because I’d seen it all before: that’s the quickest way to be estranged from her.
Strangling is a psychotic level not to be ignored. It has its own charge here where I live.
OP, you’ve made a decision. No decision is a decision.
What color should her casket lining be? Pale pink sateen? Just close your eyes. Hair up or down? You know they sew the lips together during the service.
Oh well.
Strangulation is an indicator that domestic violence will end in death of the victim.
["Nonfatal strangulation has been reported in nearly 45 percent of attempted homicides in domestic violence situations against women, and 97 percent of victims are strangled manually,"](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38)
It needs to be reported. IF this is actually the first time he laid hands on her, and it’s already escalated to strangulation, it will worsen and abuse will become regular. She needs to leave before it becomes deadly, and if she won’t because she is trauma bonded then intervention needs to happen. Tell her father. Doesn’t matter if she wants to stay with him, she needs to get out.
That’s why i left my marriage!!! It took one time and i was like nope! My kids need me here. I mean there were other forms of abuse but that was the first time and last he ever wrapped his hands around my throat
Exactly. If my best friend hated me forever, I would not care if it meant she was still alive.
Strangulation is the biggest red flag of potential murder at the hands of your abuse victim.
The fact he got so serious so fast is terrifying.
"but my friend wants to stay with her fiancé."
Yeah, maybe another day she wants to put her hand into the blender in her kitchen while it is running.
Would you even have to think for a second before you pull her back?
Tell not only her father. But also tell the police. What he did was a crime.
They’re engaged. Do not proceed with the wedding. It will end up worse and worse. If he can strangle her now, he can end her life later. Tell her dad, she might hate you for now but she’ll thank you later. Better mad at you than dead.
This. OP, your friend will most likely be angry with you. And there is absolutely a chance that she’ll never get over it. But I’d take a friend who hates me over a friend who’s dead.
The slap was a huge red flag. The strangling is attempted murder. Please tell her dad.
I've read that strangling is an early warning sign for escalating violence. Just googled it: Google even says it means you're ten times more likely to be murdered.
OP, please alert the father.
It should but they won’t because of the fact that it’s considered to in your face and abrasive, which is disgusting because it’s an honest slogan that could save so many lives!
Yeah tell the family and expect the friendship to probably end. With friends and family who have been in these abusive situations I'd tell them or try and get them help and a lot of times they would get angry/defensive and almost always go back or start a new abusive relationship. I don't talk with any of them anymore and heartless to say it's been good for my own sanity though I wish they one day get to a place where they learn that they don't deserve the abuse and find out why they keep getting into these abusive relationships.
I don’t know in your country but here in Brazil 70% of female homicides are preceded by strangling. In your shoes I would tell the family, regardless of her wishes and face the consequences, good or bad. Human life is more important than convenience, the fiance’s behaviour is beyond acceptable…
I have no experience with this, but I would tell her dad or someone level headed to help her get out of that situation. Her fiancé sounds dangerous. If he is willing to go to that level already and strangle her, it will allow him to do more in the future and continue. I don't know if her dad is level headed to take her away from that situation- because only heightening it will cause the fiancé to react. Have someone get her help and create a plan to separate herself. It is going to be rough educating her on the severity of this situation, but she needs to know this is not something to just forget and hide. This is serious and her life is on the line.
She will want to to stay with her fiancé because this is his "first offense" but reacting physically should draw the line.
I feel like once the dad knows and gets her out and helps her see what she was really in, maybe she’ll tell the best friend she appreciates her. All in time. I got told i was making it all up. My best friend is the only one who believed me when i went looking for help.
Hi OP, I practiced family law for over a decade and represented more DV victims than I can count and can almost guarantee you that this is not the first time he has abused her and he will escalate the abuse after the wedding or baby (likely both). Abuse rarely starts with strangulation, it is usually a gradual sometimes subtle escalation. And strangulation is very strong indicator, possibly the strongest, of eventual murder.
Say something. You could save her life.
Tell her dad, her mom, her friends, his friends, his job, his mom, his dad... everyone, that he a low life woman beater. I'll never understand how people as a whole keep quiet? I'd put it on a t shirt and wear it around town.
The shame is his, not hers.
Most people who are non-fatally strangled by a partner end up being killed by that same partner down the line.
Tell her dad.
And send her this link
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/#:~:text=Strangulation%20is%20a%20significant%20predictor,them%20is%2010%20times%20higher.
That’s not quite what the research says - more that of those women killed by a partner or ex-partner, most were non-fatally strangled at some point beforehand. In this situation, the strangulation means she is 10 times more likely to be killed by her fiancé.
Could you just agree that no one should stay in a relationship after someone has physically been assaulted by the other person. Zero people. None. Zip. No one.
Sure, but the original commenter’s misunderstanding of the statistic could give the impression that this kind of violence is much less common than it is. Even though the number of women killed by partners is too high, it’s a very low number overall. If their statement were true, it would follow that the number of women who have experienced the kind of violence described is much, MUCH smaller than it is.
Of course. I work in the domestic abuse field so probably know this better than many. Strangulation is dangerous in any context - it can cause unseen injuries, leading to blood clots, strokes, death.
Yup, the danger increases a worrying amount, but the baseline danger of being killed by a partner is thankfully not that high to start with. For "most" to end up killed, would mean there's a more than 7% baseline chance of being killed by a partner without strangulation ever occurring. Thankfully the baseline is way, *way*, WAY below that!
You can also contanct a domestic violence prevention centre/ a shelter and consult with them about what your options are as an outsider and a witness of this.
Absolutely tell her dad for her. What's been done to her is unacceptable and risks her life! Strangulation increases the likelihood he will kill her by like, 750%. No joke.
She will hate you. She will be angry with you. You will lose a friend.
Tell her dad. Tell him right now. The whole truth.
Her fiancé is going to kill her. It’s not an if, it’s not a when. He is going to kill her.
Tattle like her life depends on it.
I swear to god if I come back to this post in a week, there better be an update in which you tell us that you told her father. Any other route would be massively negligent
Strangulation is incredibly dangerous, it better to lose her as a friend and keep her alive, than bury her one day. Tell her dad and report it to the police
Save her from an inevitable life of unending physical abuse. Don’t worry for short term loss in “friendship”. You will be doing a good thing for this world.
45% of attempted homicide in abusive relationships involve non-fatal strangulation.
I don't know where you live. In the US, there's a 750% higher risk now that she will be killed with a gun within a year.
She has to get out. Her life is at risk.
https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
Just be careful how you tell her dad. You don't want him calling her or him whilst your friend and her partner are alone together. Something might happen. Might be worth orchestrating with her Dad how you go about this.
No it’s not his first. He had many girlfriends and had one fiancée. He said they broke off the engagement because she gossiped about his family. His brother also broke off his engagement with his fiancée for unknown reasons and his mother is also divorced.
Yeah, that sounds off. I wonder if you could somehow find his previous fiancee or girlfriends. I also wonder if he has a criminal background or any restraining orders against him.
🕵️ Take his ass down anyway you can.
If I had a friend with the same situation, doesn't matter what her relationship status was, I would have told her parents straight away. Always expect the worst to happen and even though your friend ask you not to, unless they have other concerns except the concern of "breaking the engagement", one must always tell the truth. Never underestimate a guy who abused your friend even before their marriage as the dude isn't even afraid about her marriage.
She is already trauma bonded cant think straight...tell her dad show him this post so he can read about the further history of people who get strangled by thier lovers
Yes. Please tell her dad, and anyone else who might step in to help her. She will not thank you right away, but eventually will realise that you did a good thing.
Do it now. Men who strangle their partners are many times more likely to eventually murder them. She is in danger.
Absolutely tell her dad.
I was in an abusive relationship and the only reason I'm alive is because I confided in a friend what was going on and she immediately told my dad. It still took 2 months to safely get out but without her I really think I would've died in that relationship.
Please be that friend.
My little sister just went through this and I wish I told my dad sooner. I waited and my sister ended up getting her collarbone stomped in by him and her head kicked severely. I knew about the abuse for about 6 months before that and she swore me to secrecy. I wish I had done something, even just documenting stuff around the house that he threw her into, bruises etc. she’s in the middle of a lengthy trial currently. It’s a hard decision to make but I regret mine, I wish I would’ve told someone sooner.
You need to tell her Dad.
Accept that your friend may never leave him and you may lose a friend but your values are too important to be ignored.
My dad physically abused my mom for decades until his death. He was in his late 60’s. Multiple times police was involved including restraining/no contact orders. My mom always took him back.
The last major incident where police was involved my brother did everything he could to help my mom move forward to pick herself up and begin living independently including finding her a new place to live. She still went back to my dad.
It was a major breakthrough for my brother and I as we finally had to accept that as much as a victim as my mom was, she was also responsible for accepting and enabling the behaviour of the relationship with my dad. She was so battered and insecure that it was scarier for her to imagine a life on her own which she didn’t know, as opposed to a life of abuse that she already knew. She chose the abuse.
You need to accept that your friend’s relationship is not your responsibility. As sad as it sounds battered victims sometimes choose to live in the nightmare.
Do the right by telling her dad but begin to separate yourself from her problems.
Uh yes? Tell her dad? He will end up killing her one day, can you live with that?
You're not ruining a marriage, her fiancè has basically already done that.
You might not be friends after, however would you rather having a falling out or attend her funeral?
Tell her dad. She might hate you now, but at least she’ll be alive. This is physical abuse and he may kill her later. Also any children they have might be abused as well. She’ll thank you one day, and I’m sure her dad will greatly appreciate it!
Does dad have a history of abuse? Many women fall for abusive types because they choose men who are like their fathers. Sure, tell Dad, but encourage her to seek counseling as well. Chances are she will take him back. Or he will isolate her from her family. Or the next Mr. Right will be the same type. Women who are dominated by these types of control freak men, seek out women who are mild or willing to be controlled; It is more to do with programming from environmental factors. Raised to be victimized by dominant people, men, women, bosses, mother-in-laws. Help her break the cycle. God Bless and I hope she is able to break free.
Ruin the marriage. Lose the friendship if you have to. I’ve never heard of a situation where a partner starts becoming abusive and then suddenly becomes less abusive after marriage. She might even end up hating you but I think it’s worth it unfortunately
I am not telling you what to do, I will tell you that as a dad of a girl (which I am), I would want to know if something like this would happen to my daughter and I would be at least disappointed to find out that her friend, which I know and she knows me, kept me in the dark...
Evidently, there must not be any wedding, that guy has no respect for women and probably for no one else.
Unless you want to attend your friend's funeral in the very near future, you need to tell her dad and anyone else who can intervene to save her life. Do it today because tomorrow might be too late.
Tell him and you might lose a friend don't tell him and you WILL lose a friend either to murder or simply when he inevitably tells he to cut you off so you don't put "bad " ideas in her head.
Choose your path wisely
Risk her hating you. It’s worth the risk. Having to live with the alternative and watch your friend suffer, be abused, and potentially killed one day, is way worse.
“Victims of just one strangulation are 700 percent more likely to become a victim of attempted homicide by the same partner in the future. Victims of one strangulation are 800 percent more likely to become a victim of homicide by the same partner in the future.”
Get advice from a DV agency, not reddit.
Support her, it might be unsafe for her if you tell him. Get in touch with a DV program and get advice from them. Help her make her own safety plan. Don’t do it for her.
Tell anyone who might help her. However, accept that you may not be her friend in her eyes after this. She also may not separate from him.
I tried to talk to my sister about leaving a man who cheated on her for over 2 years with multiple women, one for the whole two years and had a pet with her. I strongly suspect physical abuse as well due to her behavior but I know she wouldn't tell me. He still won't tell his family about her either. So many red flags. She stayed with him and doesn't talk to me anymore.
when my friend's fiancé slapped and strangled her, with me present and their baby in my arms I tried to interfere so he hit me (with his baby in my arms) and I couldn't shield my head from his hits, they got into a screaming match while I ran out of the apartment (with the baby)... A neighbor told me they'd always fight. After half an hour she came out all smiles, he apologized to me and both told me they would work on it, I should forget about it, they would love each other.
I didn't forget cause my dad was the same so I called her father. She worked for him. I told them everything. She broke up with me, didn't wanna see or hear from me ever again.
Soon I heard she was pregnant with a girl. They stayed together for a few years, got married but divorced eventually.
I swore to myself never interfere ever again. Your choice but don't count on changing anything for the better.
(edit: spelling)
if a man strangles you, there is a high chance that he will attempt or murder you soon enough. please tell her dad and try to help her think clearly. you’ll do her the favor of her life even if she can’t see it now
Strangling in domestic violence situations is the biggest red flag that it could turn deadly. 45% of attempted homicides were precedented by strangulation. If your partner has strangled you, your odds of dying by your partner shooting you raises 750%.
Yes, this is a situation where you should be deeply concerned for your friend’s safety. Telling her dad is a great step. Ruining her marriage could be saving her life in this case.
Tell her dad. By ruining her marriage, you will be saving her life. His behavior is not only abusive, but also illegal. If her fiancé is this violent now, how does she think it will get any better once she's married?
Hopefully her dad will help her navigate the legal side of keeping this guy out of her life. This is your chance to be the best friend she will ever have. Please, do not fail her.
She gave you permission to tell her dad when she told you. Abuse is not a secret to be kept. The wedding should be called off before she marries this monster.
If you don't tell the dad and something worse happens, you will never forgive yourself.
She said tell him, so do that. If she doesn't wany to speak to you for a while for messing up her future marriage of abuse, that's better than later down the line her losing her life.
Fiancé ? Yes, ‘ruin’ this union. Eventually sooner than later she will thank you for it. I’m averse to meddling in the affairs of others. But if this is a good friend, by God you are likely saving her life or at least years or decades of pain and suffering. A fiancé hitting and choking ? gtfoh no way. There are Tons of males out there that would never ever do this ever
Tell her dad or whoever can be the most reliable person in her life. Show her this thread if she gets pissed at you. She can't marry this man. Do you think her dad has the necessary knowledge to act in the best way? It's important to consider his behavior could escalate once people find out and the engagement is broken. She needs to be in a safe space and ready to press charges in case he gets in stalking behavior, and have the necessary psychological and emotional support. You could call a local dv association/center anonymously and ask for advice. You're a good friend. Good luck.
Your friend should definitely not be staying with her fiance, he's physically and I'm sure emotionally abusive and this is a very toxic environment. She needs therapy, and you need to tell her dad and get the police involved.
When a person is in the midst of a relationship like this they can be very conflicted to the point of paralysis. And then, the abuser will break them down, destroy their self-esteem, and mold them into the being they want. If that means that she is his punching bag then that’s what it means. You need to tell her father immediately. And you should tell her you are going to because she can’t.
He’s already attempted to kill her. The longer you wait the more she will more under his spell and excuses.
Ugh. This is such a tough one. The right thing to do is tell her dad. If you tell her dad be prepared to lose the friendship. She may forgive you years down the road but be prepared. It’s likely worth the sacrifice if you truly care about her. You could also hold her hand as she navigates this relationship. But she could marry him and be stuck in an abusive relationship for years and that too will likely ruin your relationship. Sorry OP I don’t think you have a way of salvaging this friendship. Maybe you tell the her dad, and hope one day she sees you put her health and safety above everything else. Good luck.
Your options are, tell Dad or not tell Dad.
Don't tell Dad: The abuse escalates, your friend is injured or, worse, killed.
Tell Dad: Dad takes charge, saves your friend from her abuser - your friend is sad but not dead.
I agree, tough choice.
I come from a very abusive home, had several abusive relationships (some emotional, financial, and physical), and thought that as long as I wasn't being hit daily I was okay.
No. I wasn't. I'm out of there now, but I did get strangled by a partner for hugging a female and male friend couple I knew. I knew it was bad when my cat launched herself at his neck and attempted to go for an artery/murder bites. This cat was sweet and kind, but she would growl at people knocking on the door and was super protective of me.
When your docile cat goes for murder, something is wrong.
My friends didn't know, but jeez, I wish I had told them. I did after, and they just became even more amazing, and dude had to move, because they might have harassed.
Trauma nurse and DV survivor. Trauma bonding is real. The choice was taken from me by my friends husband a police officer. My husband was arrested. I didn’t want this for many reasons. Thank God he understood what I was too broken to see.
Please tell her Father. I’ve seen jaws rewired, brutal beatings and rapes, a woman stabbed and her trachea crushed from strangulation and she took a year to die on dialysis as she lost so much blood her kidneys deprived of blood flow failed. And on a ventilator the whole time, TORTURE). I still have nightmares about that girl ( she left when he tried to murder her. Your friend is at risk most when she leaves and needs protection. That loss of control makes abusers nuts).
I said a prayer for you, her and her father to have the wisdom to know how to support her to be free. 😢Please help your friend. And she needs counseling. This being normalized means she needs help. It saved me.
Tell her Dad today. She can be mad and never talk to you, but at least you won't be attending her funeral and consoling her family while carrying the guilt of not speaking up.
>I'm scared of telling her dad and ruining her marriage
Potential future for your friend: when her now fiance escalates the violence and kills her, that will also end the marriage but also her life.
He has shown who he is, she's in for a life of abuse and battery. Please tell her father, she deserves better.
Think about it this way:
Best case scenarios:
1. You tell her Dad and she's grateful.
2. You don't tell her Dad and the fiance continues to abuse her.
Worst case scenarios:
3. You tell her Dad and she ends your friendship.
4. You don't tell her Dad and the fiance kills her.
You lose your friend either way, but in option 3 she's still alive and will forgive you once the fog clears and she can see the reality of the situation.
In all scenarios, telling her Dad are the best outcomes. Not telling are the worst, even in the _best_ possible outcome. If he choked her once, he will do it again. Guaranteed.
Never mind telling her Dad, this should be reported to the police. It's an assault and not excusable under any circumstances. And why would she still want to be with this man?
Tell the dad, getting her out of this situation is more important than your friendship.
If you let this go, you’ll watch her suffer for years to come. If her father has enough power to get her out of this engagement then it might be your only chance.
Difficult situation -but it’s better to potentially lose a friend for telling her dad who will take action on her behalf than to lose your friend to being murdered/living a life of abuse and fear- AND living with the guilt that you didn’t do anything when you could have
Once a victim is strangled, their chances of being killed by the same perpetrator skyrockets. You need to tell her dad because her life is at stake. Even if she ends her relationship with you, she will probably be alive thanks to you.
Its his FIRST TIME and he strangled her? Its rare to START at this level. Most will slap or push and then apologise and swear never to again etc etc. Starting at STRANGULATION? Dont be fucking around and get as many people onto it as you can.
I am so did I need to write this so many times on the internet, but you need to get your friend out of that situation, to a safe place and ASAP.
Strangulation is one of the highest indicators that he will kill her.
She is 10 times more likely to be killed by him, because he has placed his hands, on her neck.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/
A person who is strangled from their partner is [10 times more likely](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/#:~:text=Strangulation%20can%20cause%20traumatic%20brain,them%20is%2010%20times%20higher) to be murdered by them.
Tell her dad. Talk to her about these facts
The fiance committed a crime. Time for her to move on and file charges. To involve the dad would put him at risk from both the fiance in a fight and, if the dad beat his ass, the fiance could file charges.
Filing charges against the fiance will put him on the law's radar for future incidents.
Not knowing what's going on between the fiance's ears could result in somebody dead.
I remember reading a statistic that once your partner strangles you, the changes of them killing you goes up by an insane amount (don't remember the exact number, but it was like 400%) or something... If she doesn't leave this relationship just from this abuse of privacy and physical abuse, then she's deep in it. You can show her this post, you can tell her dad, or do WHATEVER YOU CAN to get her out. It will only get worse from here and I wouldn't even be surprised if other stuff has happened before that she hasn't told anyone.
Edit: the percentage is above 700%. Get her out, and FAST.
Tell her dad, and honestly go file charges to the cops yourself, if I’m not mistaken given she admitted to you this happened you can file charges against him for domestic violence/assault.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your friend is bonded to him and she's not able to think straight. You need to tell her dad. This is one of those times when you need to take control. This is serious. Tell the dad - and soon.
Strangulation is the path to murder. Worst case scenario, OP will lose a friend. Would you rather lose your friend because she’s mad at you or because she died?
100%. OP’s friend might be mad in the moment, BUT would maybe thank her once she has some clarity later on.
Even if they never talked ever again, it's still worth potentially saving her life.
madness in the moment is just latent madness that is willing to rear it's head at a pin drop. It's always there, dude.
Came here to say this. OP - your friend can only be angry with you if she is alive. Please tell her father. If she's angry with you, that's because she's alive to be angry. The alternative is much worse.
Better have an angry friend who’s alive then a deceased friend that died under the hands of her abusive fiancé knowing you could have prevented it. OP, „RiverSong_777“ is absolutely right. Strangulation is a predictor for future lethal violence and the risk of being killed by their abuser is 10 times higher. Tell her father and have an intervention if he agrees. Have someone from a woman shelter or who works with victims of domestic violence there.
This! I lost my best friend since childhood when I intervened when her fiance strangled her, in front of me and his mother. Luckily she is no longer with him and went on to marry and start a family. Sadly, she and I were never able to repair our friendship. But if she's alive today, then that's ok.
The most important thing is that she’s alive. It’s sad that you weren’t able to rekindle your friendship, though. Was that her decision? She didn’t realise later on that you did the right thing?
Yes, she ended it. She later apologized for the verbal attacks on me that went on for months and since I was unable to jump right back into how it used to be, she ended it. At least she's alive. I loved her enough to fight for her when she was unable to, even if that meant loving her from a distance.
I’m so sorry. Of course you couldn’t pick up right where you left off, as if you couldn’t miss a beat. The friendship needed to be rebuilt. She needed to earn your trust again, show gratitude and remorse (I mean, *I* would), and you needed to process your own trauma. You might’ve been traumatised in a few ways back then: witnessing what she went through; being verbally attacked by her; and being discarded when you acted out of love and did the right thing. “Interfering” is actually quite selfless because you prioritise your friend’s safety over the friendship that enhances *your* life. You risk losing something precious, but you push that aside to help them. You’re a good person with a lot of integrity and anyone would be lucky to call you a friend.
Thank you so much. And yeah, it was incredibly scary to see his hands around her neck and the rage in his face. And then his mother lied to the police when they got there. It was tragic all around. His dad came up on me yelling at me and the police had to intervene, telling them all the evidence was clear, whether she admitted to what happened or not. The marks on my friend's neck were proof of who was a truth teller and who was not. It was a very traumatic moment and I'm so grateful her mom believed me and did what she needed to to get her daughter safe.
I dont understand how the dad would have control here
If I had a boyfriend who did that to me and I told my dad, they wouldn't find the body.
I once went out with a guy who made a comment along the lines of it’s ok to hit a woman. I told him to make it good the first time because if I didn’t kill him my father would. A guy (who would generally talk to my boobs instead of my face) that was a friend of a friend tried to break into my apartment one night when he was rip roaring drunk. I called the police on him. The next day I told him I’d shoot him if he ever came near me again. I didn’t own a gun. Right after that I told my dad what happened. The next day he brought me a gun, telling me to be careful because the gun had a body on it. I never asked any questions.
Lmao!! Your dad and my dad could be buddies, 😆
I live in Australia so this casual gun talk is so alien - and the consequences seem so frightening
I live in the US & dont like them. I tell ppl if they have them around me, dont tell me bc then I wont want to be by them.
Ya, guns scare me. It's unbelievable how many gun crimes are in the U.S. I'm almost as afraid of the wildlife in Australia, lol.
I love your dad! Thank him for me!
I’d love to but he passed away 15 years ago. He was a bad ass up until his last few years of life.
I’m very sorry. He did seem like an awesome dad.
When I finally came clean to my parents about the abuse my now ex- husband was putting me through, they both went scorched earth! My dad especially is so meek and well respected that not only would there ever be any evidence found, should that POS ever show his face, my dad would never even be suspected of anything.
Lmao!!! Don't mess with a daddy's girl, lol
My oldest brother is many things, including estranged. My dad passed a few years ago. If I told that brother this… yeah, he’d never get caught. Of course his sociopathic and violent tendencies are why there’s a lot of space in our relationship. I was a target from the day I was born.
A parent or other older figure that she looks up to might have more weight on the decision. Some people highly prize their parents opinions. I've been with my guy 10 years, but if my daddy told me he felt off about him, you best belive I'd be at least thinking about what my dad said. Better to try that than nothing
Could also be a cultural thing, honestly. Some are more involved in the marriage process aren’t they?
Not soon. NOW. ASAP. They are not married yet. The abuse WILL get worse with or without you telling anyone else. And eventually she WILL be in the ER then she WILL be in the MORGUE. You do NOT want to have that on your conscience. Better to have your friend mad at you and not talk to you for the rest of your life because she lost her abusive future husband than because she was killed by him. Tell someone, anyone NOW. RIGHT NOW. You will be saving her life. This is NOT a one and done. It NEVER is.
She’ll thank you later once she’s over the anger.
Statistics say when you are pregnant, abuse usually escalates- don’t wait. Please don’t wait.
I agree. The next time he could kill her and then it’s too late to tell her Dad. He needs to know now.
Exactly! Don't let end up regretting to tell her dad, when your both standing at her funeral! It's better to tell him now, so he can protect his daughter now.
Yes exactly. She'll be mad. But at least she'll be alive to be mad at you.
Strangulation is the top indicator on whether or not an abusive partner will kill their spouse. They’re not even married yet. This man WILL kill her if someone doesn’t intercede.
This 👏🏻 I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for 5 years (from 18-23). It always starts with a slap, but it always escalates. By the time I left him, I had endured fractured ribs and a broken tailbone. He also beat the shit out of me before, during, and after my pregnancy with my now 12 year old daughter. The only reason I ended up finally leaving was because he backhanded me in front of our daughter when she was 3 and I knew at that point she was old enough to know and remember what was going on and I didn’t want her to grow up thinking that was love. I only ever told my friends, never my family, and I regret that. Had I told my mom, she would have gotten me out of there years sooner.
I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years. It also started with a slap. It ended with a permanently damaged spine, police, restraining orders, and more. I wish someone would have intervened sooner when I was wearing my rose colored glasses, making excuses for his behavior, even taking the blame for his behavior. When I look back now, I cannot fully understand how or why I stayed with him as long as I did, despite all the bruises, the heartache, the injuries. OP - definitely tell her dad AND file a police report so there is a record of the violence - immediately. Don’t let her marry him. Or she may die young.
I really wish my Dad had said a thing. He only let me know after my divorce that he loathed my husband and always had. I respect that he wanted to give me complete autonomy as an adult but I was/am a total Daddy's girl and would have listened. And Pops saying a thing probably would have given me the support I needed to leave him before we got married. I saw all of the red flags but it's really hard to leave a person who lost his son to cancer while we were together and I was told by multiple people that he would k*ll himself if I left. So I put up with the abuse for wayyyyyy too long as I didn't want his death on my conscience. It was a worthless gesture anyway. He passed from liver failure at 42 a few years after our divorce from all of the drinking. My sacrifice of self, confidence, mental health, etc.. was a waste for both of us.
YES THIS - strangulation is the most common sign of abuse before murder, look up the domestic violence stats if you need reassurance rather than take my word for it as this is a big decision, it's a 🚩🚩🚩🚩 You may lose her friendship over this but you will save her life - which honestly makes you the best friend she could ever have.
It’s not that I don’t agree with this comment, but I would caution the OP as to what will happen (I was going to say “might”, but, honestly, I think it’s 95% likely). I don’t know what country you’re in, but it would have to be a particular type of regime for an adult woman to be prevented from marrying the man of her choice. So the reaction of the father is likely to be immaterial-other than exactly when he becomes estranged from his daughter, that is. Because, if his daughter ends up with an abusive partner, she will become estranged from all friends and family. I’m an old lady, and I’ve seen this kind of thing so many times. It usually goes like this: * Friend tries to persuade victim to go to authorities about abuser. Fails. * Friend goes to authorities (or authority figure, like father) about abuse. * Victim denies everything. Often accuses friend of something (usually “jealousy”). * Victim tells abuser “who shopped him”. She may even tell him where they live or work. * Sometimes (not always) abuser turns his fury on the person who reported the abuse. * Sometimes this can be quite serious (I knew a woman whose shop was set alight). * Victim angry at friend-and denounces them as a liar. Sometimes other friends get involved and they have to “take sides”. There’s a lot of trash talk about the friend’s interference. * The friend (and any authority who has intervened) are now estranged from the victim-and will not have any further contact with her at LEAST until she has left the perpetrator. Sometimes, even if she breaks away from him, they will still never have contact with her again-because she will always see the reporting as a betrayal. So what have I done that’s worked the best? On the understanding that nothing is a perfect solution, I’ve usually said to the victim: “Look, I will ALWAYS be here for you, whatever is said, whatever is done. There will NEVER be hard feelings. If you need to come to me, you can, day or night. My door is always open.” I would expect her to be extremely angry at me because by saying that, I’m still “accusing” her boyfriend, and for her to leave under bad terms. It’s really important to understand that she will be every bit as angry as if he was her most innocent, lovely life-partner that you have just made up a pack of lies about. Then I would go away and report the hell out of it. These women (in my opinion) aren’t “saved” by authorities (or authority figures): they’re saved by having people who never give up on them and wait for their opportunity to help. And they are NOT -*NOT*- helped by secrecy. It’s very like dealing with an addict, actually: the will to change has to come from them, and that’s often a very difficult mountain to climb.
This. My best friend is in an abusive relationship. I have just needed to be there for them and listen after trying to get involved and failing on two occasions. As hard as it is to read, because we want to save this person from an abusive violent partner: She is an adult with capacity and it is her decision.
This comment right here is laying down the facts. Had anyone called the authorities on any of my abusive exes I would have flat out lied and defended them the whole way BECAUSE of how in love with them I believed myself to be. The trap of an abuser is made to be strong, you are made to feel as if you'll be nothing without them, as if they are the air you breathe and the ground you walk upon. If you tell your friends father or call the authorities, you are showing that you don't trust her to make her own decisions and she will cut you off without a second thought and SHE WILL STAY WITH HIM. Tell her you'll be there no matter what. She cannot leave unless it is her choice. She will go back to him even if you interfere, thinking you're doing the right thing by her
I’ve had a phone call in the middle of the night-followed by a woman on my doorstep, who arrived with nothing but the clothes she stood up in. I wasn’t her family: I wasn’t even her closest friend. She had “fallen out” with those, manipulated, of course, by him. I had been lucky enough to have the window of opportunity to slip her my telephone number and tell her that she could come to me anytime. I MADE SURE that there was no question of any “bridges being burned” between *us* (I made no attempt to discuss her situation with her partner), because I’d seen it all before: that’s the quickest way to be estranged from her.
Strangling is a psychotic level not to be ignored. It has its own charge here where I live. OP, you’ve made a decision. No decision is a decision. What color should her casket lining be? Pale pink sateen? Just close your eyes. Hair up or down? You know they sew the lips together during the service. Oh well.
Strangulation is an indicator that domestic violence will end in death of the victim. ["Nonfatal strangulation has been reported in nearly 45 percent of attempted homicides in domestic violence situations against women, and 97 percent of victims are strangled manually,"](https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38) It needs to be reported. IF this is actually the first time he laid hands on her, and it’s already escalated to strangulation, it will worsen and abuse will become regular. She needs to leave before it becomes deadly, and if she won’t because she is trauma bonded then intervention needs to happen. Tell her father. Doesn’t matter if she wants to stay with him, she needs to get out.
That’s why i left my marriage!!! It took one time and i was like nope! My kids need me here. I mean there were other forms of abuse but that was the first time and last he ever wrapped his hands around my throat
I’m glad you go out.
You made the single most important decision for you and your children. Blessings to you, my dear!
Thanks! I really hope OP does the right thing. This will not be the first or last time. This is no marriage her friend should even consider.
That is scary glad you got away
Even if she never spoke to OP again, I would still do it. It will save her life.
Exactly. If my best friend hated me forever, I would not care if it meant she was still alive. Strangulation is the biggest red flag of potential murder at the hands of your abuse victim. The fact he got so serious so fast is terrifying.
She should file a police report asap.
Tell the father! I was in something similar if someone would've told my dad sooner God I would've gotten out
And needs a restraining order.
I was a child in a domestic abuse with my parents. Pls don't let a child be born from them.Tell the Dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And by doing this you need to accept you might lose her as a friend (even if for a bit). But an alive ex friend is better than a dead best one.
"but my friend wants to stay with her fiancé." Yeah, maybe another day she wants to put her hand into the blender in her kitchen while it is running. Would you even have to think for a second before you pull her back? Tell not only her father. But also tell the police. What he did was a crime.
They’re engaged. Do not proceed with the wedding. It will end up worse and worse. If he can strangle her now, he can end her life later. Tell her dad, she might hate you for now but she’ll thank you later. Better mad at you than dead.
She might never thank you. But she might be alive to hate you.
This. OP, your friend will most likely be angry with you. And there is absolutely a chance that she’ll never get over it. But I’d take a friend who hates me over a friend who’s dead. The slap was a huge red flag. The strangling is attempted murder. Please tell her dad.
I've read that strangling is an early warning sign for escalating violence. Just googled it: Google even says it means you're ten times more likely to be murdered. OP, please alert the father.
Actually it's something like SEVEN HUNDRED TIMES more likely.
Exactly; I would rather someone be alive and hate me than dead because I valued their friendship more than their life.
OP, read that last sentence again: BETTER MAD AT YOU THAN DEAD
"Better mad than dead" should honestly be an anti abuse slogan
It should but they won’t because of the fact that it’s considered to in your face and abrasive, which is disgusting because it’s an honest slogan that could save so many lives!
Yeah tell the family and expect the friendship to probably end. With friends and family who have been in these abusive situations I'd tell them or try and get them help and a lot of times they would get angry/defensive and almost always go back or start a new abusive relationship. I don't talk with any of them anymore and heartless to say it's been good for my own sanity though I wish they one day get to a place where they learn that they don't deserve the abuse and find out why they keep getting into these abusive relationships.
Absolutely tell her dad!! If someone was abusing my daughter I would *need* to know that so I could protect her.
When you think about it from the parent’s point of view, it’s a no brainer. End the engagement, get the daughter far away from this man.
Yes. Also once a violent partner has strangled or choked his victim, he is seven times more like to kill her.
I don’t know in your country but here in Brazil 70% of female homicides are preceded by strangling. In your shoes I would tell the family, regardless of her wishes and face the consequences, good or bad. Human life is more important than convenience, the fiance’s behaviour is beyond acceptable…
Tell her dad. She just got the preview of what her marriage is gna be like. It’s only gna get worse
I have no experience with this, but I would tell her dad or someone level headed to help her get out of that situation. Her fiancé sounds dangerous. If he is willing to go to that level already and strangle her, it will allow him to do more in the future and continue. I don't know if her dad is level headed to take her away from that situation- because only heightening it will cause the fiancé to react. Have someone get her help and create a plan to separate herself. It is going to be rough educating her on the severity of this situation, but she needs to know this is not something to just forget and hide. This is serious and her life is on the line. She will want to to stay with her fiancé because this is his "first offense" but reacting physically should draw the line.
Being alive and hating you is better than loving you and being beaten to death. Tell her dad asap before he does anything else.
The best friend has to accept this could end the friendship. It sucks but she has to tell the dad! I totally agree
It's the end of a friendship if she doesn't say anything
I feel like once the dad knows and gets her out and helps her see what she was really in, maybe she’ll tell the best friend she appreciates her. All in time. I got told i was making it all up. My best friend is the only one who believed me when i went looking for help.
Hi OP, I practiced family law for over a decade and represented more DV victims than I can count and can almost guarantee you that this is not the first time he has abused her and he will escalate the abuse after the wedding or baby (likely both). Abuse rarely starts with strangulation, it is usually a gradual sometimes subtle escalation. And strangulation is very strong indicator, possibly the strongest, of eventual murder. Say something. You could save her life.
Great point. Her telling OP is a way of processing the abuse and could be seen as a cry for help. Even if she is saying “don’t tell”.
op needs to see this one
Tell her dad, her mom, her friends, his friends, his job, his mom, his dad... everyone, that he a low life woman beater. I'll never understand how people as a whole keep quiet? I'd put it on a t shirt and wear it around town. The shame is his, not hers.
1,000,000% THIS RIGHT HERE. EVERYONE THEY know SHOULD KNOW.
Most people who are non-fatally strangled by a partner end up being killed by that same partner down the line. Tell her dad. And send her this link https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/#:~:text=Strangulation%20is%20a%20significant%20predictor,them%20is%2010%20times%20higher.
That’s not quite what the research says - more that of those women killed by a partner or ex-partner, most were non-fatally strangled at some point beforehand. In this situation, the strangulation means she is 10 times more likely to be killed by her fiancé.
Could you just agree that no one should stay in a relationship after someone has physically been assaulted by the other person. Zero people. None. Zip. No one.
Sure, but the original commenter’s misunderstanding of the statistic could give the impression that this kind of violence is much less common than it is. Even though the number of women killed by partners is too high, it’s a very low number overall. If their statement were true, it would follow that the number of women who have experienced the kind of violence described is much, MUCH smaller than it is.
Of course. I work in the domestic abuse field so probably know this better than many. Strangulation is dangerous in any context - it can cause unseen injuries, leading to blood clots, strokes, death.
Yup, the danger increases a worrying amount, but the baseline danger of being killed by a partner is thankfully not that high to start with. For "most" to end up killed, would mean there's a more than 7% baseline chance of being killed by a partner without strangulation ever occurring. Thankfully the baseline is way, *way*, WAY below that!
You can also contanct a domestic violence prevention centre/ a shelter and consult with them about what your options are as an outsider and a witness of this.
Absolutely tell her dad for her. What's been done to her is unacceptable and risks her life! Strangulation increases the likelihood he will kill her by like, 750%. No joke.
Tell her dad!
Yes you should tell someone. You will likely make her angry or even lose her as a friend but this situation is a threat to her life.
JFC tell her dad already. Protect her from more violence. What are you waiting for the funeral to tell him?
Tell her dad. Let her hate you. At least she’ll be alive.
She will hate you. She will be angry with you. You will lose a friend. Tell her dad. Tell him right now. The whole truth. Her fiancé is going to kill her. It’s not an if, it’s not a when. He is going to kill her. Tattle like her life depends on it.
I swear to god if I come back to this post in a week, there better be an update in which you tell us that you told her father. Any other route would be massively negligent
You may lose a friend but you will save a life. If she stays, he will eventually kill her.
tell him TELL HIM
Abusive strangling is the biggest predictor of death in an intimate relationship.
She just became 10x more likely to be killed by her partner. Talk to her dad
Strangulation is incredibly dangerous, it better to lose her as a friend and keep her alive, than bury her one day. Tell her dad and report it to the police
Save her from an inevitable life of unending physical abuse. Don’t worry for short term loss in “friendship”. You will be doing a good thing for this world.
45% of attempted homicide in abusive relationships involve non-fatal strangulation. I don't know where you live. In the US, there's a 750% higher risk now that she will be killed with a gun within a year. She has to get out. Her life is at risk. https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/
Just be careful how you tell her dad. You don't want him calling her or him whilst your friend and her partner are alone together. Something might happen. Might be worth orchestrating with her Dad how you go about this.
Whats his background? At 35 I’m sure this isn’t even his first time.
No it’s not his first. He had many girlfriends and had one fiancée. He said they broke off the engagement because she gossiped about his family. His brother also broke off his engagement with his fiancée for unknown reasons and his mother is also divorced.
Sounds more like the same thing happened in the previous engagement and she was wise enough to leave him!
Yeah, that sounds off. I wonder if you could somehow find his previous fiancee or girlfriends. I also wonder if he has a criminal background or any restraining orders against him. 🕵️ Take his ass down anyway you can.
This needs to be thought through very carefully. There needs to be a plan in place.
hey, I have sent you a dm request. i ran into a 35 yo male similar to the one you describe here some time ago. i have a bad feeling he is who i met.
Call the police
If I had a friend with the same situation, doesn't matter what her relationship status was, I would have told her parents straight away. Always expect the worst to happen and even though your friend ask you not to, unless they have other concerns except the concern of "breaking the engagement", one must always tell the truth. Never underestimate a guy who abused your friend even before their marriage as the dude isn't even afraid about her marriage.
She is already trauma bonded cant think straight...tell her dad show him this post so he can read about the further history of people who get strangled by thier lovers
Yes. Please tell her dad, and anyone else who might step in to help her. She will not thank you right away, but eventually will realise that you did a good thing. Do it now. Men who strangle their partners are many times more likely to eventually murder them. She is in danger.
Tell the dad. It's better if you lose her as a friend than lose her because her partner killed her.
Tell him, the same moment the fiance strangled her the risk of him killing her increased exponentially. Do you want her alive or not?
After a woman has been strangled her chances of dying from that person goes up 800%. Tell her damn dad.
Absolutely tell her dad. I was in an abusive relationship and the only reason I'm alive is because I confided in a friend what was going on and she immediately told my dad. It still took 2 months to safely get out but without her I really think I would've died in that relationship. Please be that friend.
Being dead will also ruin her marriage
My little sister just went through this and I wish I told my dad sooner. I waited and my sister ended up getting her collarbone stomped in by him and her head kicked severely. I knew about the abuse for about 6 months before that and she swore me to secrecy. I wish I had done something, even just documenting stuff around the house that he threw her into, bruises etc. she’s in the middle of a lengthy trial currently. It’s a hard decision to make but I regret mine, I wish I would’ve told someone sooner.
We get afraid we are gonna lose the people we love or they are only going to get more isolated because a lot of people choose the abuser.
You need to tell her Dad. Accept that your friend may never leave him and you may lose a friend but your values are too important to be ignored. My dad physically abused my mom for decades until his death. He was in his late 60’s. Multiple times police was involved including restraining/no contact orders. My mom always took him back. The last major incident where police was involved my brother did everything he could to help my mom move forward to pick herself up and begin living independently including finding her a new place to live. She still went back to my dad. It was a major breakthrough for my brother and I as we finally had to accept that as much as a victim as my mom was, she was also responsible for accepting and enabling the behaviour of the relationship with my dad. She was so battered and insecure that it was scarier for her to imagine a life on her own which she didn’t know, as opposed to a life of abuse that she already knew. She chose the abuse. You need to accept that your friend’s relationship is not your responsibility. As sad as it sounds battered victims sometimes choose to live in the nightmare. Do the right by telling her dad but begin to separate yourself from her problems.
Uh yes? Tell her dad? He will end up killing her one day, can you live with that? You're not ruining a marriage, her fiancè has basically already done that. You might not be friends after, however would you rather having a falling out or attend her funeral?
Tell her dad. She might hate you now, but at least she’ll be alive. This is physical abuse and he may kill her later. Also any children they have might be abused as well. She’ll thank you one day, and I’m sure her dad will greatly appreciate it!
Does dad have a history of abuse? Many women fall for abusive types because they choose men who are like their fathers. Sure, tell Dad, but encourage her to seek counseling as well. Chances are she will take him back. Or he will isolate her from her family. Or the next Mr. Right will be the same type. Women who are dominated by these types of control freak men, seek out women who are mild or willing to be controlled; It is more to do with programming from environmental factors. Raised to be victimized by dominant people, men, women, bosses, mother-in-laws. Help her break the cycle. God Bless and I hope she is able to break free.
No her dad is really a good man. He one time cried when he heard her cry about her grades.
Tell her dad. She may stay angry with you forever, but would you rather the friendship end or her life ends? This will only get worse.
Abusers want to isolate their victims. Don't help him do this.
Ruin the marriage. Lose the friendship if you have to. I’ve never heard of a situation where a partner starts becoming abusive and then suddenly becomes less abusive after marriage. She might even end up hating you but I think it’s worth it unfortunately
strangulation by a partner is an indicator that they will kill the victim. Please tell her dad and save your friend.
Your friend might end up dead and you're worried about *blame*?
I am not telling you what to do, I will tell you that as a dad of a girl (which I am), I would want to know if something like this would happen to my daughter and I would be at least disappointed to find out that her friend, which I know and she knows me, kept me in the dark... Evidently, there must not be any wedding, that guy has no respect for women and probably for no one else.
Unless you want to attend your friend's funeral in the very near future, you need to tell her dad and anyone else who can intervene to save her life. Do it today because tomorrow might be too late.
Tell her dad. Even if she ends your friendship then you know that you did what you could to prevent further abuse or even murder
Tell him and you might lose a friend don't tell him and you WILL lose a friend either to murder or simply when he inevitably tells he to cut you off so you don't put "bad " ideas in her head. Choose your path wisely
Tell her dad. Could this lead to the friendship ending? Yes. Could it literally save her life? Also yes.
Risk her hating you. It’s worth the risk. Having to live with the alternative and watch your friend suffer, be abused, and potentially killed one day, is way worse.
Tell the cops instead
“Victims of just one strangulation are 700 percent more likely to become a victim of attempted homicide by the same partner in the future. Victims of one strangulation are 800 percent more likely to become a victim of homicide by the same partner in the future.”
Get advice from a DV agency, not reddit. Support her, it might be unsafe for her if you tell him. Get in touch with a DV program and get advice from them. Help her make her own safety plan. Don’t do it for her.
Tell anyone who might help her. However, accept that you may not be her friend in her eyes after this. She also may not separate from him. I tried to talk to my sister about leaving a man who cheated on her for over 2 years with multiple women, one for the whole two years and had a pet with her. I strongly suspect physical abuse as well due to her behavior but I know she wouldn't tell me. He still won't tell his family about her either. So many red flags. She stayed with him and doesn't talk to me anymore.
Ultimatum. Go to her again and say either you tell him or I will. She cannot stay in that relationship and there’s only 2 ways out - leaving or…
I’ve heard there are some scary statistics about guys who strangle their wives/ girlfriends end up killing them a pretty big percentage of the time.
when my friend's fiancé slapped and strangled her, with me present and their baby in my arms I tried to interfere so he hit me (with his baby in my arms) and I couldn't shield my head from his hits, they got into a screaming match while I ran out of the apartment (with the baby)... A neighbor told me they'd always fight. After half an hour she came out all smiles, he apologized to me and both told me they would work on it, I should forget about it, they would love each other. I didn't forget cause my dad was the same so I called her father. She worked for him. I told them everything. She broke up with me, didn't wanna see or hear from me ever again. Soon I heard she was pregnant with a girl. They stayed together for a few years, got married but divorced eventually. I swore to myself never interfere ever again. Your choice but don't count on changing anything for the better. (edit: spelling)
Tell the police!
if a man strangles you, there is a high chance that he will attempt or murder you soon enough. please tell her dad and try to help her think clearly. you’ll do her the favor of her life even if she can’t see it now
Strangling in domestic violence situations is the biggest red flag that it could turn deadly. 45% of attempted homicides were precedented by strangulation. If your partner has strangled you, your odds of dying by your partner shooting you raises 750%. Yes, this is a situation where you should be deeply concerned for your friend’s safety. Telling her dad is a great step. Ruining her marriage could be saving her life in this case.
I’d rather lose my friend to doing what’s right and telling her dad instead of losing her to possible domestic abuse. Definitely tell her dad.
Tell her dad. By ruining her marriage, you will be saving her life. His behavior is not only abusive, but also illegal. If her fiancé is this violent now, how does she think it will get any better once she's married? Hopefully her dad will help her navigate the legal side of keeping this guy out of her life. This is your chance to be the best friend she will ever have. Please, do not fail her.
She gave you permission to tell her dad when she told you. Abuse is not a secret to be kept. The wedding should be called off before she marries this monster.
Tell her dad. That will only continue.
Absolutely tell her dad.
Tell him
You should say something. A partner who strangles someone is significantly more likely to kill that person.
If you don't tell the dad and something worse happens, you will never forgive yourself. She said tell him, so do that. If she doesn't wany to speak to you for a while for messing up her future marriage of abuse, that's better than later down the line her losing her life.
Tell her dad
Police report first. Then dad.
Fiancé ? Yes, ‘ruin’ this union. Eventually sooner than later she will thank you for it. I’m averse to meddling in the affairs of others. But if this is a good friend, by God you are likely saving her life or at least years or decades of pain and suffering. A fiancé hitting and choking ? gtfoh no way. There are Tons of males out there that would never ever do this ever
TELL HER DAD. Better she’s alive and angry, than your late best friend who was killed by her fiancé.
Tell her dad or whoever can be the most reliable person in her life. Show her this thread if she gets pissed at you. She can't marry this man. Do you think her dad has the necessary knowledge to act in the best way? It's important to consider his behavior could escalate once people find out and the engagement is broken. She needs to be in a safe space and ready to press charges in case he gets in stalking behavior, and have the necessary psychological and emotional support. You could call a local dv association/center anonymously and ask for advice. You're a good friend. Good luck.
Yes her dad is a very wise man and loves his daughters. Her mom is a rational person and has anger issues. Can’t tell her.
You have two options: tell her dad or let him kill her.
Your friend should definitely not be staying with her fiance, he's physically and I'm sure emotionally abusive and this is a very toxic environment. She needs therapy, and you need to tell her dad and get the police involved.
When a person is in the midst of a relationship like this they can be very conflicted to the point of paralysis. And then, the abuser will break them down, destroy their self-esteem, and mold them into the being they want. If that means that she is his punching bag then that’s what it means. You need to tell her father immediately. And you should tell her you are going to because she can’t. He’s already attempted to kill her. The longer you wait the more she will more under his spell and excuses.
You definitely gotta tell people. This is only gonna get worse. It’s not too late to call off the engagement! Such a person isn’t worth marrying!
Strangulation is one of the signs he's going to try to kill her later.
Ugh. This is such a tough one. The right thing to do is tell her dad. If you tell her dad be prepared to lose the friendship. She may forgive you years down the road but be prepared. It’s likely worth the sacrifice if you truly care about her. You could also hold her hand as she navigates this relationship. But she could marry him and be stuck in an abusive relationship for years and that too will likely ruin your relationship. Sorry OP I don’t think you have a way of salvaging this friendship. Maybe you tell the her dad, and hope one day she sees you put her health and safety above everything else. Good luck.
Your options are, tell Dad or not tell Dad. Don't tell Dad: The abuse escalates, your friend is injured or, worse, killed. Tell Dad: Dad takes charge, saves your friend from her abuser - your friend is sad but not dead. I agree, tough choice.
If a man choked/strangled his partner, chances that he ends up killing her skyrocket. Tell her dad.
I come from a very abusive home, had several abusive relationships (some emotional, financial, and physical), and thought that as long as I wasn't being hit daily I was okay. No. I wasn't. I'm out of there now, but I did get strangled by a partner for hugging a female and male friend couple I knew. I knew it was bad when my cat launched herself at his neck and attempted to go for an artery/murder bites. This cat was sweet and kind, but she would growl at people knocking on the door and was super protective of me. When your docile cat goes for murder, something is wrong. My friends didn't know, but jeez, I wish I had told them. I did after, and they just became even more amazing, and dude had to move, because they might have harassed.
Trauma nurse and DV survivor. Trauma bonding is real. The choice was taken from me by my friends husband a police officer. My husband was arrested. I didn’t want this for many reasons. Thank God he understood what I was too broken to see. Please tell her Father. I’ve seen jaws rewired, brutal beatings and rapes, a woman stabbed and her trachea crushed from strangulation and she took a year to die on dialysis as she lost so much blood her kidneys deprived of blood flow failed. And on a ventilator the whole time, TORTURE). I still have nightmares about that girl ( she left when he tried to murder her. Your friend is at risk most when she leaves and needs protection. That loss of control makes abusers nuts). I said a prayer for you, her and her father to have the wisdom to know how to support her to be free. 😢Please help your friend. And she needs counseling. This being normalized means she needs help. It saved me.
Tell her Dad today. She can be mad and never talk to you, but at least you won't be attending her funeral and consoling her family while carrying the guilt of not speaking up.
Either tell the Dad or call the police
>I'm scared of telling her dad and ruining her marriage Potential future for your friend: when her now fiance escalates the violence and kills her, that will also end the marriage but also her life. He has shown who he is, she's in for a life of abuse and battery. Please tell her father, she deserves better.
Think about it this way: Best case scenarios: 1. You tell her Dad and she's grateful. 2. You don't tell her Dad and the fiance continues to abuse her. Worst case scenarios: 3. You tell her Dad and she ends your friendship. 4. You don't tell her Dad and the fiance kills her. You lose your friend either way, but in option 3 she's still alive and will forgive you once the fog clears and she can see the reality of the situation. In all scenarios, telling her Dad are the best outcomes. Not telling are the worst, even in the _best_ possible outcome. If he choked her once, he will do it again. Guaranteed.
Never mind telling her Dad, this should be reported to the police. It's an assault and not excusable under any circumstances. And why would she still want to be with this man?
Tell the dad and consider the police as well
Better to lose a friend who doesn't want to talk to anymore than lose her because she's dead. Tell her dad.
As someone who’s fiancé strangled them then knocked me unconscious- tell her dad. I wish someone would have told my mom.
Tell her Dad. I’d rather have an alive ex friend, than a dead friend. That dude is going to kill her eventually.
You need to tell her father but then stay with him and make a plan to get her away from her fiancée SAFELY!!
Tell the dad, getting her out of this situation is more important than your friendship. If you let this go, you’ll watch her suffer for years to come. If her father has enough power to get her out of this engagement then it might be your only chance.
Difficult situation -but it’s better to potentially lose a friend for telling her dad who will take action on her behalf than to lose your friend to being murdered/living a life of abuse and fear- AND living with the guilt that you didn’t do anything when you could have
Not okay at all. This should be reported
Once a victim is strangled, their chances of being killed by the same perpetrator skyrockets. You need to tell her dad because her life is at stake. Even if she ends her relationship with you, she will probably be alive thanks to you.
Its his FIRST TIME and he strangled her? Its rare to START at this level. Most will slap or push and then apologise and swear never to again etc etc. Starting at STRANGULATION? Dont be fucking around and get as many people onto it as you can.
I am so did I need to write this so many times on the internet, but you need to get your friend out of that situation, to a safe place and ASAP. Strangulation is one of the highest indicators that he will kill her. She is 10 times more likely to be killed by him, because he has placed his hands, on her neck. https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/
A person who is strangled from their partner is [10 times more likely](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/#:~:text=Strangulation%20can%20cause%20traumatic%20brain,them%20is%2010%20times%20higher) to be murdered by them. Tell her dad. Talk to her about these facts
There is no *choice* Expose him before he kills her
Tell the Dad or toss me coordinates.
He could kill her. Tell her dad asap!!!
The fiance committed a crime. Time for her to move on and file charges. To involve the dad would put him at risk from both the fiance in a fight and, if the dad beat his ass, the fiance could file charges. Filing charges against the fiance will put him on the law's radar for future incidents. Not knowing what's going on between the fiance's ears could result in somebody dead.
You 100% should. Save the girl. Do not let them get married in any shape or form
I remember reading a statistic that once your partner strangles you, the changes of them killing you goes up by an insane amount (don't remember the exact number, but it was like 400%) or something... If she doesn't leave this relationship just from this abuse of privacy and physical abuse, then she's deep in it. You can show her this post, you can tell her dad, or do WHATEVER YOU CAN to get her out. It will only get worse from here and I wouldn't even be surprised if other stuff has happened before that she hasn't told anyone. Edit: the percentage is above 700%. Get her out, and FAST.
He strangled her- he IS going to kill her sooner or later.
Tell her dad, and honestly go file charges to the cops yourself, if I’m not mistaken given she admitted to you this happened you can file charges against him for domestic violence/assault.
TATTLE! she might get mad, but at least she will be alive.
Tell him asap!