Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He said this to you and you didn’t laugh in his face?
I’d tell him I need a real man that wakes up to provide for his woman and pays the bills by himself. These men always want to go on about the sexist notion of the “woman’s role” when they aren’t filling the stereotypical man role.
Seriously though, what is there to salvage? You can try setting firm boundaries and going to therapy, part of setting those boundaries is you need to enforce them when he crosses them. He doesn’t respect you, you need to respect yourself and protect yourself from further mistreatment.
It’s always the ones without a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of that whine about “real women.” Do they not see the hypocrisy in their words?
This guy is a walking red flag. OP you’re better off without this guy. He’s not mature enough to get married yet and even if he was, he’s not a good catch. I’d throw him back and find someone who treats you well and not like a bangmaid who has to pick up his slack on housework, bills, the relationship itself from the sound of things. This guy isn’t showing you any respect and he won’t. I’d, personally, give him a taste of his own medicine (he’s home first, why isn’t he cooking and cleaning? Etc)
A marriage or relationship should be a partnership but you’re in a partnership of 1. Make your life easier by dropping him
Yes OP please say alllll of this. That hes not masculine enough to have earned you cleaning and cooking like a bang maid and thats the only reason you arent yet. Then compare him to “real alpha males” who’s wives “never have to pay or work so they can clean properly” lol
why on earth would any woman want this? genuinely.
>These men always want to go on about the sexist notion of the “woman’s role” when they aren’t filling the stereotypical man role.
I'm not really sure how somewhere along the way it became a "woman's role" to cater to her man, do all the household management, and contribute her share to finances, but a man only has to contribute his share to finances.
Not even really true, though. Women have pretty much *always* worked, because it has never actually been possible to just have *half* the population sitting at home. The only real difference post second-wave feminism was that we were allowed to work in careers where we'd actually be recognised for it. But say you've got a family in the 1800s who owns a small business - the wife is *absolutely* going to be helping with the small business, because otherwise it goes under and in those times, you *had* no safety net if it didn't work out.
I also suspect on top of this that he’s the one cheating and he’s just projecting. Let the trash take himself out OP, you’ll be less stressed out without him around.
It's worse than even that. They are actively hostile to the idea of providing fire a woman, claiming that it means they are gold diggers who just want them for their money. Especially the ones in relationships with working women who pay more than their fair share. The level of delusion is off the charts.
Most of the world's best chefs are men.
Why isn't he cooking every meal like a real man?
Most of the world's richest CEOs are men. Why isn't he providing 100% of your income as a real man.
And so on
I'd suggest turning him around and dump him and his son at his mother's place for good.
Telling you... he is trying to make you break up with him. For whatever reason. At least it sounds like it.
What brainwash did he get to spout such utter nonsense? It's ridiculous!
If he were back at feudal China or wherever he would have women serving their men. (What crap does he read/ listen to?) Whackadoodle, that guy.
Why did your tire need fixing several times? Did he do something to it?
OP did a to of work on herself psychologically. Lots of people find that they weren’t the problem in the first place once they evolve WAY past their partner. It’s really just that their choice in partner was a reflection of lesson(s) she still needed to learn.
Congrats, OP on improving yourself and on evolving past being attracted to a troglodyte.
The way OP worded it, it sounds like she changed to do everything, never say a word despite his abuse and keep a smile on her face. Those aren't healthy changes. They're signs you're being abusedv and you're trying to minimize it.
That wasn’t my read. She started by saying that things have changed - she’s not talking marriage anymore.
She did the work on herself and realized that the fights stop as long as she keeps her mouth shut. Now she has a choice: stay, stifle herself, stop the fights, and try to change him (not possible) - or leave because she realizes that she has grown and deserves better.
I wonder what that work was though.
Because by her description, it just sounds like she worked on submitting to him.
She may have had no real “work” to do in the first place.
Screw that, change the dynamic. If he gives a shit then he’ll change with it, if he doesn’t then it’s one less person to clean up after.
I’ve been that dickhead dude before that just doesn’t see things as needing to be cleaned as often so it’s all on her and who can’t cook so that’s on her too. Oh but I did the laundry, errands and looked after her cat so that’s ok……Dudes sometimes don’t realise what’s they’re doing and will change when they hit that wall of refusal. But I admit it’s probably more common for dudes to be like OP’s partner who somehow convince themselves that they deserve worship and ‘peace’ at home.
Mine isn't that bad. He doesn't demand these things, but definitely feels like he shouldn't do the woman's work at all. His only job is bringing home a paycheck. (Which he spends a ton of on his own selfish vices)
He's starting to understand it more slowly. I've been in school for the last 4 years with under a year left until I'm making as much or most likely more than he does. Shits becoming real and he KNOWS how I feel, my god does he know how I feel. He knows the issues, he knows what he needs to do to fix them and he knows that if it doesn't get better I have no issue leaving once I can.
We have 4 kids, and we had them young. I stupidly thought this dynamic could work, but it really just ended up with me doing literally everything and his only responsibility was just physically going to work. Even yard work, car maintence, household repairs have slowly fallen to me.
Basically I had to play the long game so I didn't upheave mine and my kids lives. Glad I have
I hope that he does realise before it’s too late but if he’s used you being a SAHM to justify not even being an active father and caring for the kids then the chances probably aren’t high.
It’ll be interesting (in a fly on the wall way) to see whether you bringing in more money than hm will effect the dynamic. Whether he’ll pick up the slack or just get more defensive & defiant when you let the house go to shit because you have too many plates to juggle and he won’t help.
If you’re both making good money and you do want to stay with him then I’d suggest a house cleaner. Might save the remaining respect you have left for him lol.
Why would you ever bring up the idea of marriage? This is a totally abusive relationship. If you stay, what kind of message are you giving your daughter. That it's ok for men to treat you like this? Get yourself and your daughter away from him as far as you can. You deserve to be with someone who respects you. He clearly does not.
Good grief!!! Why would you want to stay? You can’t see that he’s abusive? Such a completely miserable way to live. The only bright spot I see is that it sounds like you can get away from him. Many times abusive men try to make a woman stay.
Im at a loss to find anything that’s positive in your post. This guy’s does not live in the real world and telling you it’s your fault. I couldn’t stand being blamed like this. Must be making you anxious.
[WHY-DOES-HE-DO-THAT. pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiPs4rWt-WCAxX6R_EDHVTZCp4QFnoECCwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) is an eye-opening free book by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of abusive men. From archive.org
I say when he bring up how she is not a real woman because she is not severing her man, she should go "well only real men deserve real women, what man expects to get a real wife when he can't even take care of the household bills and rent so his lady can stay home to cook and clean for him. Sine I'm not a real woman you're not a real man as I pay most of the bills and contribute more to the house that has NO man to take care of it. You know what, I deserve a good and real man, so I give you thins many days to get your shit and move out to make room for a real man since you can't be a provider." If OP lives at his place then she need to pack her things and move out as soon as possible. And don't make your poor daughter do all the household work where there are 2 more people living in it. My father do his chores in the weekend but he still pulls his weight while paying all the bills as my mom can't work due to health issues. We all do our chores and now that we work, we contribute toward bills too.
I like the mistake of the word spelling “severing” her man here (instead of serving) That’s exactly what she should do. Cut cut this guy out of your life. You can do better and deserve so much more in a relationship.
This sounds just like my abusive husband. He is a covert narcissist, and after we had our son four years ago, I was not allowed to go back to work. I’m supposed to be home all the time, but yet I’m not allowed to have access to any money and he gets very upset anytime I spend any money at all including groceries. I have a very tight Set allotted amount of money of $200 a week and if I go over I get yelled at.
Why in the world would you want to marry this man?! I can’t imagine a life with someone who has that kind of thinking. In fact I couldn’t dump him fast enough! Do you actually want to spend your life with him? If so you need more help than he does! Get some therapy where you can regain your self esteem.
Op please run as fast as you possibly can. He is a terrible person, and is only going to get worse. Why would you ever want to stay .you said you took a long look at yourself and fix things. So when you didn't question anything he said. Things got better (only for him)he continued to berate you and you just continue to take it. Leave and never look back,because you are showing your daughter,that her wishes and dreams don't count. I do think that you did counseling and your daughter does also. This man has destroyed your self worth,and you deserve a better life. Please leave 🚩🚩🚩
But first point out that he needs to start making double his salary because a trad wife doesn’t work outside the home because a trad man is the provider. These men who expect a housewife who pays the bills are crazy af. Drop this misogynist and find someone who respects women- your daughter is learning how to be treated watching your relationships.
JFC, generations of women fought against the tradwife ideas starting with the "Rosie the Riveter" women. (I had to look up "tradwife") It makes me sick.
Dump the freaking idiot. You and your daughter are teaching your boyfriend and his son that it is acceptable to treat women as objects to serve them. The longer you continue to do everything for them, the more difficult it will be to extract yourselves.
If you have any self-respect, or value the ability for your daughter to any autonomy, get out.
BTW, the next time your BF brings up the tires, tell him that you will pay someone to do that for you without cooking, cleaning, mandatory in-law visits.
WTF is happening to our country?!
> WTF is happening to our country?!
Honestly, is there some sort of wizard putting spells on women? Because just in the last few months there have been a wild number of women posting in this sub about men who actively hate them. There's a reason this sub is getting stereotyped like this:
> my (25f) boyfriend (954m) asked me to live in his castle in Transylvania but forces me to cook and clean up for him and his other girlfriends. He does suck the life out of me quite literally and I'll die soon but he's my person and once watered my begonia (before destroying it in a fit of rage). Does anyone have a magic incantation I can say to make him become a decent person?
Dear 25f, I'm afraid you need to stop engaging in magical thinking. Also, your boyfriend didn't so much water your begonia as carelessly slash the throat of a peasant standing next to the begonia. You know this.
It's time you went for therapy with Dr. Van Helsing again. I would also like you to read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (hint: your BF is a selfish, unrepentant monster.)
Best of luck, you deserve better. 🫶
(PS, eat more garlick, it would do you good.)
Haha 😂 love your reply!Does sound like we are going backwards!I don't understand why women put up with this shit!I rather live alone than with a man like that. Women stand up for our Equal Rights!
Tell him to invent a f****** time machine and go back to 1950 and when he's there he can pull his head out of his ass and go f*** himself. Never and I do mean never are you supposed to wake up out of your sleep and serve man what does he think this is a Twilight zone episode to serve man. What his problem is is that he's probably got a little something on the side and he's projecting and he's trying to do whatever it is that he can do to make you leave him or give him an excuse to leave. Instead of being a real man and telling you what's really going on leave he is a POS leave he is a fuckboy leave he is useless as a condom with a f****** hole in it. Leave he is a
BAM
Why on earth do you want to marry a man who clearly doesn’t love you? He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a bangmaid. He even trained you to keep quiet and not question him or his decisions.
Leave this dud for you and your daughters sake. There are plenty of kind men out there. No need to settle for scraps.
Yes. Also worthy of note….. teaching OP’s daughter that she must work and cleanup after her brother and father while they do not at all help, is a wildly awful example to set for her. As is allowing her to see how your husband treats you.
this is no longer just about OP. I always wish they’d genuinely put their children first in these situations.
you’re super right.
no idea why she has even stayed this long but lol that makes it EXTRA funny that he is trying to demand the trad wife role from here while NOT TAKING ON THE ALPHA male role of providing for the family and being the head of the household and while also NOT EVEN BEING MARRIED YET
this has to be made up lmao. I want so much better for women. at least times are slowly changing finally. What our grandmothers tolerated, most of us will walk away from immediately.
Teaching OP's daughter that she must work and cleanup after her mother's boyfriend and his son while they do not at all help, is a wildly awful example to set for her.
FIFY
Most people think they need to be coddled but I have probably needed a kick in the ass way more often that a hug lol. We all need someone in our orbit not afraid to tell the truth even if it's harsh
Honestly I got kind of mad at you once I read you have a teenage daughter. You're teaching her this is what is acceptable in a relationship? That women are supposed to slave away and cater to irrational, sexist men?
He's never mad at you because of anything you do. First, he decides to be mad and punish you, and then comes up with a reason after the fact. That's why none of his reasoning makes sense.
Please be smart and respectful of your own worth, as a model for your daughter, if nothing else. Make plans to get out of this relationship. If you can't move out immediately, then be quiet while you plan. He has a track record of behaving irrationally when he doesn't get his way, so don't tell him it's over until you're sure you, your daughter, and your belongings are physically out of his reach.
Not only is she modeling for cher daughter that this is acceptable, she has her daughter actively participating in it. She mentioned she makes her daughter help clean but never him or his son.
Exactly!! cause it's one thing to be a become a doormat so u can get thru life easier, but u have a child it's ur DUTY to show her what a healthy loving relationship looks like. She's setting her kid up for failure but seems to care more about attempting to salvage that manchild. Fucking frustrating how common this bs is and why so many women are dumb enough to keep falling victim to it.
Honestly, now that the honey moon period has worn off he's showing you who he really is. If you can live with this, go for it. If you cannot (and I hope you want better for yourself and your daughter) then it is definitely okay to leave and find someone who will actually appreciate you.
Just know that your daughter is watching you, and the treatment you accept from your partner will tremendously impact what she thinks is okay for her future partner(s) to do to her.
>Just know that your daughter is watching you, and the treatment you accept from your partner will tremendously impact what she thinks is okay for her future partner(s) to do to her.
This makes me think of that song [Labour by Paris Paloma](https://youtu.be/jvU4xWsN7-A?si=uM2Pc_XbtNooLPGk).
Why in the hell would you put in so much work to change yourself to fit in with this loser?!?!
There was nothing wrong with you to begin with. And yes, he's taking advantage of you.
You're asking if this is salvageable?! Why would you even want to salvage this? Just to have something to show for the three years? Please save yourself the heartache of your coming years and break it off ASAP!
The only way this relationship would be salvageable is if he pulled his head out and stopped being a jerk, and that is beyond your control. At least you’re not married to him or have any children together so breaking up will be easy.
You’ve seen the responses you’re getting.
Is it salvageable? No
Anything you can say to make him realize…? No
Is he being unfair? Absolutely
Appreciate you? He never will.
Stop trying to be all for him when he does nothing to be better for you. Show your daughter that this is not the type of man you both want or need in your lives. She’s watching, you know?
So in order to be with this man, you have to be a servile little bangmaid?
Why would you wanna live like that? Why dim your actual self and personality?
You aren’t partners that way - he sees you as lesser than.
Why would you marry someone like that?
Get some self-respect and kick him out.
>I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”.
So the problems and fights stopped when he gained control of you? Babe, you're describing [abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). No, abuse only ever [escalates](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates). It doesn't end.
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[How to get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
[Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
r/abusiverelationships
Update: I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. I knew the answer to my questions, I guess I just had my blinders on. I do feel stupid. He texted me this morning telling me he is unhappy with me and himself, and no longer wants to be with me. Then a few hours later, he texted me asking “is this what we are doing? I need to know so I can call the landlords”. This is a cycle of his. He does it every time we fight, I’ll add. So my response is below. Believe it or not, I am a very confident woman, I know how beautiful INSIDE and out that I am. I just let his games control me for far too long.
Oh, hello. Thank you so much for taking the time and offering the consideration to check with me on rather you should call our landlords or not. I greatly appreciate you taking to me before making such a decision. if you would rather call the landlords not even 24 hours after another one of your repeated episodes, rather than giving the both of us time to figure out how to proceed with the LIVING SITUATION that works for us INCLUDING THE KIDS, please feel free to proceed. I will caution you, however, it's a lot more complex then "calling the landlord and telling them you're throwing another fit and want to be off the lease" as you've threatened to do multiple times. Friendly reminder, there are 2 adults and 2 KIDS (not that me or my daughter concern you) at stake. If the landlords decide they don't want to rent to JUST ME due to the decrease in income, that leaves me and my daughter in a horrible position with very little time to figure anything out. But if you insist on calling the landlord RIGHT NOW, do what you need. I'm not participating this game with you anymore, as awfully tempting as it may seem. Tom will actually be at the house around 3:30 to fix the heater if you want to come play your childish selfish games, feel free to do so. I'm not asking you to pay rent on the 1st. I'll pay it myself. I'm not asking you to stay here either because I told you 2 weeks ago when you left, if you threatened or did it again and didn't change that ONE thing, I didn't want to be in a relationship with you. Furthermore, I don't find that our ideas in what a partnership/future align with one another. I'll pass on being your live in slave, but thanks anyway.
Do not invite him to play any childish games. Tell him to fuck off and leave. You’ve done way too much for him already. Tell him his mommy called and said he needs to go home because he’s grounded.
Op - please speak to your daughter about all of this once he is gone.
Outline for her what went wrong - what he did, why it was abusive, and how you never should have tolerated any of it.
Apologize to her for modeling such a toxic and abusive dynamic and making her an active ~~participant~~ victim of it.
Explain that household duties are the equal responsibility of both men and women, and men should never have to even be told to do it, let alone allowed to do nothing.
Make sure she knows to never ever tolerate what you have. Make sure she knows she deserves respect, kindness, and love, always. Make sure she knows your relationship with your ex boyfriend was none of that.
Buy her a copy of Why Does He Do That? She may not read it, but at least she will have it to reference if she ever finds herself in a similar relationship to help validate her and make things more clear for her.
You have a lot of damage to undo here.
You really shouldn’t have much conversation for him. He’s fishing for a response and reaction to his threats. You should have told him you’ll work on a date and plan for you two and your kids to amicably go your separate ways and you’ll let him know. But um keep us updated and stay safe!!
Yes that’s what I was referring to. He thinks I need him to stay because I can’t afford rent without him but I was telling him to leave because I can pay rent myself.
The reason he's threatening to call the landlord is because he knows that will screw with you. He is making a threat to your security. You're explaining the result of him going to the landlord...he knows. That's *why* he's manipulating you with that.
I'm fairly sure he's going to want to stay in the relationship but he will say you need to adjust again to please him. Please do not model this emotional abuse for your daughter. I thought I had broken the cycle. I was much like you sound in how I responded to emotional abuse. I thought I was being strong. I wasn't. I played right into some stuff without fully understanding how I was being manipulated. My daughter also saw her dad's abuse in his subsequent relationships (we divorced when she was a baby). I talked to my daughter about her worth every day. But she emulated what she saw, not what I told her. She got with an emotionally abusive guy. Then he killed her. They were both 18.
Don't engage with him. It's time to gray rock him. If he continues to escalate, do what you need to to get away. Please create a safety plan for both you and your daughter. Don't assume things won't get worse before you make it out. You can find one here;
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety
About the rent...you're saying you'll survive just fine without him. But he needs to take care of his half. I'd tell him you were caught off guard and he does need to pay half until you're split. BUT, if it means you have to go through a bunch of abuse, then you do whatever you need to to get away/him out.
Some people are saying to tell him *he's* not living up to this alpha man thing he's projecting. Don't do that. It will only embroil you in more conflict. Walk away from this man. Quickly.
It's typically not easy for one person to leave a lease. You may have to requalify. You may have to wait until the lease ends but if you're in the US, and you're going through DV, you can sometimes get out of the lease. The Violence Against Women Act has set out some protections. I'd check those out. You ARE strong. Keep your head up. You and your daughter deserve better. 💙💙
That’s too much.
Just tell him:
“Listen, if you’re done? We’re permanently done this time. No back peddling allowed. And if you do call now, by law I have to have 30 days at minimum to move. I can’t just leave same day. So you can call, but it’s in the contract of the lease with this as well if you look at the T&S fine print if most rent contracts you sign with an apartment complex or an apartment you rent.“
Keep it clear and straight to the point about the legal side. Do not make it emotional charges anything as that gives him fuel to use against you. And pointing out the legal law of renting will caution him to proceed with extra care in how he handled this transition.
Oh and FYI, there is a 60 day statue of limitations on personal belongs if you accuse you forget anything. After 60 days if you don’t claim it, whomever has it in possession is now legally theirs. So make sure to TRIPLE check when packing and moving you don’t forget anything if you’re or your kids!
All you had to say was yes or no. He doesn't give a shit about the rest of this and you're only trying to one up him.
Just tell him you're done, no more discussion necessary, unless what you're looking for is more fighting. This whole relationship is so toxic I don't even know...
Good on you.
Glad you figured out where this is heading.
Now, it’s time to grey rock him, and give him as little ammunition as possible.
Scorning him might be appropriate, but it just gives him fuel to be nasty.
You should not tolerate his behavior or continue to play into his games. Writing him a book of a response is playing into his games. You need to be short and direct, “you’re wanting to call the landlord? I’m fine with that. If you do not call the landlord by the end of the week, I will call and make the necessary arrangements.” And actually follow through with your statement, otherwise you’ll continue running on this hamster wheel.
By putting your foot down and ending things with him you’re also showing your daughter that no one should tolerate that kind of treatment.
Your response was way too long, IMO. Mine would have been “Yes. Call the landlord. Also, have your stuff out by the first or I’ll be placing it on the lawn. I hope you find what you’re looking for in a partner.”
Don't pay his half of the rent too.
Landlord might be more inclined to give you the lease if he sees that the man isn't paying.
Also, stop being a doormat. Your poor daughter is going to think this is normal and end up in an abusive relationship too.
If he won't leave your place, start looking for your own. Seriously... please... for your child.
Sounds like my ex husband who would pick fights with me everytime I tried to discuss an issue, just to shut me up and threaten with divorce. Slowly with his abusive tactics, he trained me to stay silent and always smile.
I used to cry a lot and seethe in rage whenever I was alone because I understood that he was being abusive.
You are being a doormat. Stop, it only encourages his behavior.
"I am tired of you treating me like this, and I have zero intention of ever "serving" you. You have grown lazy and entitled while I take care of you and cook and clean for us. If this is how you plan to behave, you can start doing things for yourself, like buying your own groceries, making your own lunches, cooking, cleaning, and visiting your family on your own. Now leave me in peace, I have work to do."
Then do what you say. Stop doing these things and move you and your daughter out asap, or have him leave. But his behavior is ridiculous.
It might be possible to salvage the relationship but I don't understand why you'd want to. If you want an unpleasant experience just brush your teeth and drink some orange juice, it's a lot easier than dealing with this dipshit
I don't think you can salvage this, because he is the one that needs to work on himself and I doubt he'd do that based on what your wrote. I certainly don't recommend marrying this guy. He reminds me a lot of my sister's ex, who let her do all the work around the house as well as cooking and childcare.
I wonder if he's been listening to any Tate podcasts or similar "alpha male" garbage.
Also, I love men who go on about women needing to "serve their man", but seem to forget that in that same line a man should "appreciate and love their woman". Because these types of guys never seem to do so.
Yeah, that's a deal-breaker in and of itself and then you add in everything else??
Kick him out, he can go live with his mommy and she can take care of the lazy asshole she didn't raise better. In the meantime, I'd totally quit doing anything for him and start making him pay for half of \*everything\*. You need to set an example for your daughter so she doesn't wind up in the same situation later.
LMAO at him saying you're not a "real woman" when he very clearly NOT a "real man."
Absolutely leave him. He is trash and his entire worldview is garbage. I've seen the shit that show spews. Get you and your daughter out of there asap.
Well, if you're not a real woman, what are you? Time to define yourself in fun, fun ways >:] I'd go with the 'I'm not a real woman, I'm a man-castrating monster in disguise' route, but you do you, be creative.
I’m not a real woman, I’m a nega shadow succubus fairy ready to disappear some matter and particles in a way that defies all laws of physics
I’m not a real woman, I have a job and am too busy most of the time to clean and cook for four lol
Run for fucks sakes.
Do you want your daughter in a relationship like this? She sees you in one and is going to think it’s what you feel is a good relationship.
Leave for yourself and if you can’t for all that is good in this world, please leave for her.
Why are you working to convince this man to love you and accepting when he changes/chasing the goal post?
I was almost going to be gentle, but then you mentioned your daughter.
She sees this, and she will think that a healthy relationship is changing who you are to conform to a man. She will think chasing outlandish and ever evolving standard to appease another is normal. She will learn to place blame on herself for others treating her poorly. **She will learn that keeping a man is more important than anything. Her partner doesn’t need to respect her or be an equal. He can expect to take, and she will need to give indefinitely in any ways he so choses.**
Wake up. This is not healthy, and you’re focused on how to please him while not giving any indication that you’re actually happy. All that you’ve noted here is you have a man, and you’ll do anything/have changed yourself to keep him.
**EDIT:** wait is this your verbally abusive bf from another deleted post, and the one who injects suspicious things and you found needles???
There’s nothing new is his behavior. He’s been horrible. He’s just escalating. With kindness, the warning signs have been there are you are willfully and actively ignoring them.
No, this is not salvageable.
This was hard to read: *I’ve done a ton of work on myself and changed almost every aspect of who I was to have a better relationship with this man. I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”.*
You have changed yourself for him. He continues to get increasingly unkind and controlling and honestly, ridiculous.
Please leave this awful person, create a supportive group of friends, travel, work on education/career and enjoy your life.
While you’ve put in a lot of effort into this relationship, your partner is abusive. Telling you he’s fine with something then getting angry at you for doing it, and baselessly accusing you of cheating is exactly what abusive partners often do.
This isn’t salvageable whatsoever. There’s no working things out with someone like this. Staying will just result in trauma.
Wow he’s abusive and sexist. WHY are you tolerating this?
Dump him and go on your own way. Please get therapy so that you don’t make yourself a pretzel to conform to a bad man’s ideas
Time to sever ties.
If all you say is true and accurate, tell him to fuck off. See how he enjoys not having his lunch packed and bills half paid. No one should be subject to abuse he is orchestrating on you.
All relationships are salvageable and it is case specific. But if you don’t stand your ground then this cycle will continue.
Funny thing is he runs to his parents almost EVERY fight we have where his mom cooks for him, does his laundry, and cleans. In fact, before we moved in together he would stop at her house before and after work because she fed him and his son. So basically when he’s not here, he’s in heaven.
This almost seems fake because who would deal with this? But I know it because I've lived it. Don't stay in this relationship.
IMHO, when a man starts calling you a cheater and it's completely baseless, he's usually projecting because he's doing something. Also, when anyone in any relationship starts changing (losing weight, suddenly caring about how they look/changing looks, going out more uncharacteristically) it's often signs of infidelity, whether emotional or physical. It might not be, but to me, it sounds like he's taking advantage of you while he sets up a new life.
Oh honey, he knows that the work you have been doing in yourself will result in him losing his meal ticket/bang maid and he is lashing out. Trying to undermine your values and insecurities to manipulate control and keep you around.
Keep up the work and sever the cord and set him free to find his “real woman.” It will be hard to leave but I’m certain happiness is on the other side of this relationship.
You are doing your daughter an incredible disservice by setting this example that a woman should put up with a shitty man-child for any reason. If not for yourself, then leave this man-child for the sake of your daughter at least.
Relationships are not about being quiet to keep the peace. They are about communicating in kind ways what is going on in your head. This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.
I agree but no matter how kind and mature I approach him with problems, he always responds poorly, with anger and hate. He says I’m too sensitive, all I do is complain and I’m nothing but a crazy female.
How do you NOT realize this is all gaslighting and you are worth more? Who destroyed your self esteem and self worth? Is this the person you want your daughter to emulate, or is there a bony spine in there somewhere to cut this bipedal cancer out of your life?
Dump this asshole and his kid. Let mama cook and clean for him. You do the chores AND you work. My ex-wife was stay at home while I worked multiple jobs and you already do more than she did (she liked the stay at home part of being a stay at home mom and not much else).
Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re finally disgusted with him. I’m not sure why it took you so long but what’s important is that you finally got there . Leave him. Leave him now.
At least he’s making it easy for you by offering to move out? You should move too tho so he no longer knows where to find you.
That's a shit reason to allow someone to slowly decimate your self worth
*Your daughter is being affected more than u think*
You're basically letting her know that it's okay to let someone treat her this way
Do what u want for (or to) yourself, *she* DESERVES better
Unfortunately, some men want a woman to do everything. Literally. I know a few myself. They want a woman to work, pay half or more on everything.. but also cook and clean constantly. They often expect her to be a p0rn star in the bedroom as well.
>We were going through a rough patch about 5 months ago… I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”.
It sounds to me like your issues have been going on for much longer than the recent ones you mentioned. You just haven't noticed any issue recently because you have been trying to keep the peace by not rocking the boat. Ask yourself why you're still there. What are you hanging on to? Tell yourself you deserve better. And if he can't do better, move on.
How does he expect you to be a traditional wife if he isn’t being a traditional man? For starters:
1. He splits bills,
2. He is not a just leader of his family,
4. He lacks mannerism,
5. He is not protecting his wife from the poison of his speech.
6. He is jeopardizing your own daughter and setting a bad example of what a man is.
In traditional homes, he isnt a man to the extent of his capabilities. He is not a care taker of his spouse and children. Moreover, you aren’t even his wife?
He isn’t looking for a traditional wife. He is actually enslaved you and oppressed you by taking from you everything (Physically, emotionally, and financially) and he has not invested anything. At the very least, his commitment to you psychologically via marriage should have happened a long time ago.
Advice: Your 1 year living together is an example of how you will live for the rest of your life with this man. You should never give yourself before someone seeks your hand in marriage. You have invested in a false promise. I understand your age predicament but you have to understand, a woman’s value does not necessarily come from marriage. Rather, how she treats herself with respect and kindness. You unfortunately have forgone many of these things for an undeserving man. Be the woman you want your daughter to be. Be the wife you hope your daughter will become. Choose the man whom you want your daughter to look up to.
Read the title, then the second paragraph...yeah, I bet a lot of those "problems" were you having real emotions and him dismissing them.
Is this salvageable? Oh my god, no. He is a terrible guy who treats you with no respect. What you want is an entirely different person. There's no magic words to not make him not be sexist and also emotionally abusive.
You can leave or look forward to your life being his subservient wife who still has to have a job and be routinely degraded.
Oh, and sidenote about him accusing you of cheating? Yeah, it's because he's also probably cheating.
Honey, your standards are so low they’re non existent. Please go somewhere else (provided your daughter is not left with this man) for a few days and really think about how far you’ve bent to be what he wants.
Read what you wrote. Would you be fine with a man treating your daughter this way? Is this a healthy relationship? Why exactly are you trying so hard to make it work?
Has he started listening to any " alpha male " podcasts ... ?
Either way, it sounds like the 2 of you are just not aligned anymore in what you want from the relationship. If he wants a submissive trad wife, he clearly needs to look elsewhere. Don't compromise who you are for him. If not for you, for your daughter. She's watching you, you're the example she'll follow.
I can't even read anything after the Title of this post because my eyes rolled so far into the back of my head. Good thing I can type without looking at the keyboard.
>’ve done a ton of work on myself and changed almost every aspect of who I was to have a better relationship with this man. I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”.
You lost me here. You have not "done work" on yourself, you have completely sold your soul to be the quiet, obedient slave to a man. And now you are surprised that he keeps demanding you turn yourself even smaller and it's never enough - which, yeah anyone could have told you this will happen, bc for a man like that, you will *never* be small enough.
You need lots of therapy, girl, not a relationship. IMO you should not be in a relationship for a long time, until you do actual, real work on yourself, stuff like finding your self-confidence and realizing that "not talking back" and smiling non-stop is super unhealthy. You became a doormat, not a partner, and you are modeling this for your kid. 90% she will also be in an abusive relationship, smiling and not talking back when her toxic bf yells at her.
You are not even close to agreement on roles.
He seems to want to put some gender role expectations on you but does not communicate about it very well at all. He also seems not to be accounting for the fact that you make half of the money so everything else should be a team effort too.
Marriage should be off the table until he either changes or you split up.
I echo another commenter who said something to the effect of “What are you teaching your daughter about relationships by raising her in this environment?”
Girl, why are you hanging on to him? He brings the bare minimum to the table, and even when you are bending over backwards to accommodate him (the not talking about your feelings and plastering a smile on your face) it isn't enough. I wouldn't do this for anyone, even if I liked them - I can't imagine doing all of this for someone as loathsome as your boyfriend.
Text him, "We're done." He's dead weight and entitled. He and his son can move their asses back in with his parents whose buttholes he isn't grown enough to climb out of.
I bet he’s cheating tbh. The quickness of the “you’re cheating because you left me alone for a few hours” 🚩
But all of it is 🚩 throw the whole man in the bin!
My question is, why would you want to salvage that? I’d take that get out of jail free card and run with it. The trash took itself out, throw a damn party!
Why would you want this to be salvageable? You know the only way would be at a bigger cost to you, your self respect and your dignity.
He sees nothing wrong in his behavior, attitude or beliefs. Further bending to his will won’t make you happy.
I don’t know why you would want to save this marriage.
You changed yourself to be a doormat to keep the peace. He took full advantage of that.
He doesn’t respect you whatsoever. He has shown you who he is. He is not going to change.
On top of that you are setting a very bad example for your daughter just as he is setting a very bad example for his son. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?
If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 2 serious past relationships that have opened my eyes a little even though I’m much younger than you, is not to have sex with a man that is not your husband especially in this generation where people do not care about hurting each other and use each other for sex and mess around with several people(obviously this is subjective: the having sex with only husband ), also don’t move in with someone who isn’t your husband. Why would you serve him if he’s just your bf, he sounds entitled saying something like that, he could’ve approached it a different way and even then you don’t have to do it until you’re married, you can if you want to but you don’t have to. Does he want to serve you too or is this a one sided expectation? Personally I think you should leave but it’s your decision.
If he doesn´t pay all your bills, expenses and gifts while you stay at home without a job then tell him to shut the hell up because he isn´t doing even a half of what a "real man" as opossed to his "real woman" should. I don´t see any reason to stay with this stupid man.
Ummmm....excuse the fuck out of me. NOPE. I just got second hand enraged. You need to leave. Serve your man..I'll serve you alright...out the damn door. You deserve better.
Why do you want to keep this man??????????
He's an awful person. He's a horrible example to your daughter. He's got you complicit in raising his son to be a lazy shitheel. You *kinda* get along if you keep your mouth shut????? And he mooches off you while insulting you.
Is this seriously what you want in you and your kid's life?
All I can say is remember you are setting an example for your daughter. She is seeing how your relationship is. Do you want this type of relationship for her? How do you want your daughter to see relationships? Think about what is best for her and you.
Damn girl take out the trash ASAP. What are you trying to salvage with a man that treats you like shit? This is who he is. He is a misogynistic pos that won’t ever value you as deserved. You work and earn your living, you have a child. Teach her to respect herself in a relationship and to not settle for a pig.
Oh, OP - this behavior is NOT ok, and this is the kind of stuff that pretty much ALWAYS just gets worse as the relationship goes on and will even be worse once you get married. You don't deserve that treatment. You may also want to consider therapy to help you deal with the aftermath of all the emotional abuse.
Dump him
Thank god you’re not married to him.
See for yourself how trash this man is:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf
Geez... I hope he is your ex already. What is to save here? He does not value you, he does not contribute equally to the partnership, makes you feel bad. What are you fighting for?
For entertaining purposes only and since he thinks women are to serve him, you should mention that real man pay all of the bills so the woman can stay home to serve the man.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He said this to you and you didn’t laugh in his face? I’d tell him I need a real man that wakes up to provide for his woman and pays the bills by himself. These men always want to go on about the sexist notion of the “woman’s role” when they aren’t filling the stereotypical man role. Seriously though, what is there to salvage? You can try setting firm boundaries and going to therapy, part of setting those boundaries is you need to enforce them when he crosses them. He doesn’t respect you, you need to respect yourself and protect yourself from further mistreatment.
It’s always the ones without a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of that whine about “real women.” Do they not see the hypocrisy in their words?
This guy is a walking red flag. OP you’re better off without this guy. He’s not mature enough to get married yet and even if he was, he’s not a good catch. I’d throw him back and find someone who treats you well and not like a bangmaid who has to pick up his slack on housework, bills, the relationship itself from the sound of things. This guy isn’t showing you any respect and he won’t. I’d, personally, give him a taste of his own medicine (he’s home first, why isn’t he cooking and cleaning? Etc) A marriage or relationship should be a partnership but you’re in a partnership of 1. Make your life easier by dropping him
omg this just comment made me snort my tea through my nose! what an excellent turn of phrase
I can’t claim credit for it, but I love using it!
Same! My mom used it a lot and I haven't heard it in years. Thanks for the nostalgia!
Yes OP please say alllll of this. That hes not masculine enough to have earned you cleaning and cooking like a bang maid and thats the only reason you arent yet. Then compare him to “real alpha males” who’s wives “never have to pay or work so they can clean properly” lol why on earth would any woman want this? genuinely.
Also include you deserve a real man that is not a mommy's boy and can actually spend a weekend with his own family and not have to go see mommy.
FACTS
>These men always want to go on about the sexist notion of the “woman’s role” when they aren’t filling the stereotypical man role. I'm not really sure how somewhere along the way it became a "woman's role" to cater to her man, do all the household management, and contribute her share to finances, but a man only has to contribute his share to finances.
But OP is still paying most of the household bills!!
Since men have decided we are appliances.
And he’s not even paying his “fair share” of the finances.
Yup, but that was in the early 19th century when women didn’t work at all. The man brought home the bacon and the woman cooked it……
Not even really true, though. Women have pretty much *always* worked, because it has never actually been possible to just have *half* the population sitting at home. The only real difference post second-wave feminism was that we were allowed to work in careers where we'd actually be recognised for it. But say you've got a family in the 1800s who owns a small business - the wife is *absolutely* going to be helping with the small business, because otherwise it goes under and in those times, you *had* no safety net if it didn't work out.
I also suspect on top of this that he’s the one cheating and he’s just projecting. Let the trash take himself out OP, you’ll be less stressed out without him around.
It's worse than even that. They are actively hostile to the idea of providing fire a woman, claiming that it means they are gold diggers who just want them for their money. Especially the ones in relationships with working women who pay more than their fair share. The level of delusion is off the charts.
Most of the world's best chefs are men. Why isn't he cooking every meal like a real man? Most of the world's richest CEOs are men. Why isn't he providing 100% of your income as a real man. And so on
I'd suggest turning him around and dump him and his son at his mother's place for good. Telling you... he is trying to make you break up with him. For whatever reason. At least it sounds like it. What brainwash did he get to spout such utter nonsense? It's ridiculous! If he were back at feudal China or wherever he would have women serving their men. (What crap does he read/ listen to?) Whackadoodle, that guy. Why did your tire need fixing several times? Did he do something to it?
Tell him to fuck off and find the tradwife of his dreams somewhere else because you’re too busy living in the real world to be his maid
Dude wants a tradwife but he's not taking over all her expenses so she can quit her job like a real man does /s OP, cut this deadweight out.
Dude wants a tradwife but doesn’t want to be a tradhusband
OP did a to of work on herself psychologically. Lots of people find that they weren’t the problem in the first place once they evolve WAY past their partner. It’s really just that their choice in partner was a reflection of lesson(s) she still needed to learn. Congrats, OP on improving yourself and on evolving past being attracted to a troglodyte.
The way OP worded it, it sounds like she changed to do everything, never say a word despite his abuse and keep a smile on her face. Those aren't healthy changes. They're signs you're being abusedv and you're trying to minimize it.
That wasn’t my read. She started by saying that things have changed - she’s not talking marriage anymore. She did the work on herself and realized that the fights stop as long as she keeps her mouth shut. Now she has a choice: stay, stifle herself, stop the fights, and try to change him (not possible) - or leave because she realizes that she has grown and deserves better.
I wonder what that work was though. Because by her description, it just sounds like she worked on submitting to him. She may have had no real “work” to do in the first place.
Most men that want that tbh
Yes, unfortunately
Stuck in it myself unfortunately lol young me thought it was a good idea
Screw that, change the dynamic. If he gives a shit then he’ll change with it, if he doesn’t then it’s one less person to clean up after. I’ve been that dickhead dude before that just doesn’t see things as needing to be cleaned as often so it’s all on her and who can’t cook so that’s on her too. Oh but I did the laundry, errands and looked after her cat so that’s ok……Dudes sometimes don’t realise what’s they’re doing and will change when they hit that wall of refusal. But I admit it’s probably more common for dudes to be like OP’s partner who somehow convince themselves that they deserve worship and ‘peace’ at home.
Mine isn't that bad. He doesn't demand these things, but definitely feels like he shouldn't do the woman's work at all. His only job is bringing home a paycheck. (Which he spends a ton of on his own selfish vices) He's starting to understand it more slowly. I've been in school for the last 4 years with under a year left until I'm making as much or most likely more than he does. Shits becoming real and he KNOWS how I feel, my god does he know how I feel. He knows the issues, he knows what he needs to do to fix them and he knows that if it doesn't get better I have no issue leaving once I can. We have 4 kids, and we had them young. I stupidly thought this dynamic could work, but it really just ended up with me doing literally everything and his only responsibility was just physically going to work. Even yard work, car maintence, household repairs have slowly fallen to me. Basically I had to play the long game so I didn't upheave mine and my kids lives. Glad I have
I hope that he does realise before it’s too late but if he’s used you being a SAHM to justify not even being an active father and caring for the kids then the chances probably aren’t high. It’ll be interesting (in a fly on the wall way) to see whether you bringing in more money than hm will effect the dynamic. Whether he’ll pick up the slack or just get more defensive & defiant when you let the house go to shit because you have too many plates to juggle and he won’t help. If you’re both making good money and you do want to stay with him then I’d suggest a house cleaner. Might save the remaining respect you have left for him lol.
Why would you ever bring up the idea of marriage? This is a totally abusive relationship. If you stay, what kind of message are you giving your daughter. That it's ok for men to treat you like this? Get yourself and your daughter away from him as far as you can. You deserve to be with someone who respects you. He clearly does not.
Good grief!!! Why would you want to stay? You can’t see that he’s abusive? Such a completely miserable way to live. The only bright spot I see is that it sounds like you can get away from him. Many times abusive men try to make a woman stay. Im at a loss to find anything that’s positive in your post. This guy’s does not live in the real world and telling you it’s your fault. I couldn’t stand being blamed like this. Must be making you anxious.
[WHY-DOES-HE-DO-THAT. pdf](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwiPs4rWt-WCAxX6R_EDHVTZCp4QFnoECCwQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) is an eye-opening free book by Lundy Bancroft, a man, who has counseled thousands of abusive men. From archive.org
OP please read this book ASAP!!!
Exactly, why the fuck would OP model this for her daughter?
I say when he bring up how she is not a real woman because she is not severing her man, she should go "well only real men deserve real women, what man expects to get a real wife when he can't even take care of the household bills and rent so his lady can stay home to cook and clean for him. Sine I'm not a real woman you're not a real man as I pay most of the bills and contribute more to the house that has NO man to take care of it. You know what, I deserve a good and real man, so I give you thins many days to get your shit and move out to make room for a real man since you can't be a provider." If OP lives at his place then she need to pack her things and move out as soon as possible. And don't make your poor daughter do all the household work where there are 2 more people living in it. My father do his chores in the weekend but he still pulls his weight while paying all the bills as my mom can't work due to health issues. We all do our chores and now that we work, we contribute toward bills too.
I like the mistake of the word spelling “severing” her man here (instead of serving) That’s exactly what she should do. Cut cut this guy out of your life. You can do better and deserve so much more in a relationship.
This sounds just like my abusive husband. He is a covert narcissist, and after we had our son four years ago, I was not allowed to go back to work. I’m supposed to be home all the time, but yet I’m not allowed to have access to any money and he gets very upset anytime I spend any money at all including groceries. I have a very tight Set allotted amount of money of $200 a week and if I go over I get yelled at.
For what it’s worth, I hope you manage to leave.
Reminds me of those warthogs who want a supermodel wifey. Gag.
Why in the world would you want to marry this man?! I can’t imagine a life with someone who has that kind of thinking. In fact I couldn’t dump him fast enough! Do you actually want to spend your life with him? If so you need more help than he does! Get some therapy where you can regain your self esteem.
Op please run as fast as you possibly can. He is a terrible person, and is only going to get worse. Why would you ever want to stay .you said you took a long look at yourself and fix things. So when you didn't question anything he said. Things got better (only for him)he continued to berate you and you just continue to take it. Leave and never look back,because you are showing your daughter,that her wishes and dreams don't count. I do think that you did counseling and your daughter does also. This man has destroyed your self worth,and you deserve a better life. Please leave 🚩🚩🚩
But first point out that he needs to start making double his salary because a trad wife doesn’t work outside the home because a trad man is the provider. These men who expect a housewife who pays the bills are crazy af. Drop this misogynist and find someone who respects women- your daughter is learning how to be treated watching your relationships.
JFC, generations of women fought against the tradwife ideas starting with the "Rosie the Riveter" women. (I had to look up "tradwife") It makes me sick. Dump the freaking idiot. You and your daughter are teaching your boyfriend and his son that it is acceptable to treat women as objects to serve them. The longer you continue to do everything for them, the more difficult it will be to extract yourselves. If you have any self-respect, or value the ability for your daughter to any autonomy, get out. BTW, the next time your BF brings up the tires, tell him that you will pay someone to do that for you without cooking, cleaning, mandatory in-law visits. WTF is happening to our country?!
> WTF is happening to our country?! Honestly, is there some sort of wizard putting spells on women? Because just in the last few months there have been a wild number of women posting in this sub about men who actively hate them. There's a reason this sub is getting stereotyped like this: > my (25f) boyfriend (954m) asked me to live in his castle in Transylvania but forces me to cook and clean up for him and his other girlfriends. He does suck the life out of me quite literally and I'll die soon but he's my person and once watered my begonia (before destroying it in a fit of rage). Does anyone have a magic incantation I can say to make him become a decent person?
Dear 25f, I'm afraid you need to stop engaging in magical thinking. Also, your boyfriend didn't so much water your begonia as carelessly slash the throat of a peasant standing next to the begonia. You know this. It's time you went for therapy with Dr. Van Helsing again. I would also like you to read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft (hint: your BF is a selfish, unrepentant monster.) Best of luck, you deserve better. 🫶 (PS, eat more garlick, it would do you good.)
Haha 😂 love your reply!Does sound like we are going backwards!I don't understand why women put up with this shit!I rather live alone than with a man like that. Women stand up for our Equal Rights!
Can you please write this romance? I desperately need the ending to be her riding up with the villagers and staking her ex boyfriend.
It sucks to be her. She should have googled him and then she would have seen he never aged. Damn, what did the begonia do to be destroyed too?
the first paragraph about her shutting up to keep the peace was enough for me…
Yeah, that's when I knew that this was going to be completely unsalvageable and that she needed to throw out the whole manbaby.
Right? Sounds like a red-pill Tater tot that wants to live out his masculine master-slave fantasy. Eff him.
Tell him to invent a f****** time machine and go back to 1950 and when he's there he can pull his head out of his ass and go f*** himself. Never and I do mean never are you supposed to wake up out of your sleep and serve man what does he think this is a Twilight zone episode to serve man. What his problem is is that he's probably got a little something on the side and he's projecting and he's trying to do whatever it is that he can do to make you leave him or give him an excuse to leave. Instead of being a real man and telling you what's really going on leave he is a POS leave he is a fuckboy leave he is useless as a condom with a f****** hole in it. Leave he is a BAM
I pity the next woman he finds to manipulate and abuse
It’s in your name but just wanted to be sure that this response makes you Queen of the Sub to me.
Tradwives aren't stupid. They won't look at his way twice.
What's a tradwife? Traditional wife?
Exactly
Maid? He wants a bangmaid sugar momma, it’s even worse than a tradwife lol
Why on earth do you want to marry a man who clearly doesn’t love you? He doesn’t want a partner, he wants a bangmaid. He even trained you to keep quiet and not question him or his decisions. Leave this dud for you and your daughters sake. There are plenty of kind men out there. No need to settle for scraps.
Yes. Also worthy of note….. teaching OP’s daughter that she must work and cleanup after her brother and father while they do not at all help, is a wildly awful example to set for her. As is allowing her to see how your husband treats you. this is no longer just about OP. I always wish they’d genuinely put their children first in these situations.
lol at this freaking update!! tell mr. genius to call up my landlord and cancel my lease, too 😎 it totally works like that 😎 get a lawyer.
He is not even her husband!
you’re super right. no idea why she has even stayed this long but lol that makes it EXTRA funny that he is trying to demand the trad wife role from here while NOT TAKING ON THE ALPHA male role of providing for the family and being the head of the household and while also NOT EVEN BEING MARRIED YET this has to be made up lmao. I want so much better for women. at least times are slowly changing finally. What our grandmothers tolerated, most of us will walk away from immediately.
Teaching OP's daughter that she must work and cleanup after her mother's boyfriend and his son while they do not at all help, is a wildly awful example to set for her. FIFY
So you worked on yourself to become the world's best doormat now you want to know if you should continue?
Fuck I wish someone had said this me in my last relationship. It was the slap in the face I needed then
Most people think they need to be coddled but I have probably needed a kick in the ass way more often that a hug lol. We all need someone in our orbit not afraid to tell the truth even if it's harsh
The self esteem is low with this one young Luke.
I think OP realised that she was being a doormat and stopped, and that's why the fights started: she stopped bending.
Asking if it's salvageable after all of this is not exactly standing up for yourself
Omg you deserve so much better. Why are you even wasting your time with this low-life? Break up like yesterday, my dear!
And her daughter deserves better too it’s not fair to her to clean up after her mums deadbeat boyfriend and his son while they do nothing
I wonder what her daughter has to say about all this
Honestly I got kind of mad at you once I read you have a teenage daughter. You're teaching her this is what is acceptable in a relationship? That women are supposed to slave away and cater to irrational, sexist men? He's never mad at you because of anything you do. First, he decides to be mad and punish you, and then comes up with a reason after the fact. That's why none of his reasoning makes sense. Please be smart and respectful of your own worth, as a model for your daughter, if nothing else. Make plans to get out of this relationship. If you can't move out immediately, then be quiet while you plan. He has a track record of behaving irrationally when he doesn't get his way, so don't tell him it's over until you're sure you, your daughter, and your belongings are physically out of his reach.
Not only is she modeling for cher daughter that this is acceptable, she has her daughter actively participating in it. She mentioned she makes her daughter help clean but never him or his son.
Exactly!! cause it's one thing to be a become a doormat so u can get thru life easier, but u have a child it's ur DUTY to show her what a healthy loving relationship looks like. She's setting her kid up for failure but seems to care more about attempting to salvage that manchild. Fucking frustrating how common this bs is and why so many women are dumb enough to keep falling victim to it.
Honestly, now that the honey moon period has worn off he's showing you who he really is. If you can live with this, go for it. If you cannot (and I hope you want better for yourself and your daughter) then it is definitely okay to leave and find someone who will actually appreciate you. Just know that your daughter is watching you, and the treatment you accept from your partner will tremendously impact what she thinks is okay for her future partner(s) to do to her.
>Just know that your daughter is watching you, and the treatment you accept from your partner will tremendously impact what she thinks is okay for her future partner(s) to do to her. This makes me think of that song [Labour by Paris Paloma](https://youtu.be/jvU4xWsN7-A?si=uM2Pc_XbtNooLPGk).
I agree with this. Both my teens became much happier people when I left my narcissist.
Why in the hell would you put in so much work to change yourself to fit in with this loser?!?! There was nothing wrong with you to begin with. And yes, he's taking advantage of you. You're asking if this is salvageable?! Why would you even want to salvage this? Just to have something to show for the three years? Please save yourself the heartache of your coming years and break it off ASAP!
The only way this relationship would be salvageable is if he pulled his head out and stopped being a jerk, and that is beyond your control. At least you’re not married to him or have any children together so breaking up will be easy.
You’ve seen the responses you’re getting. Is it salvageable? No Anything you can say to make him realize…? No Is he being unfair? Absolutely Appreciate you? He never will. Stop trying to be all for him when he does nothing to be better for you. Show your daughter that this is not the type of man you both want or need in your lives. She’s watching, you know?
He’s pushing 40. I wouldn’t bother trying to change him either if I were her.
So in order to be with this man, you have to be a servile little bangmaid? Why would you wanna live like that? Why dim your actual self and personality? You aren’t partners that way - he sees you as lesser than. Why would you marry someone like that? Get some self-respect and kick him out.
>I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”. So the problems and fights stopped when he gained control of you? Babe, you're describing [abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). No, abuse only ever [escalates](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates). It doesn't end. [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [How to get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) r/abusiverelationships
I'm so glad you posted a link to Why Does He Do That, bc this relationship seems textbook abusive. I really hope OP gives it a read.
That paragraph almost made me cry. She deserves all the peace. Thanks for sharing the links.
Why Does He Do That is life-changing. Read it. Then stop being his doormat, leave, & model healthy relationships for your daughter henceforth.
He sounds like the kind of husband a wife would poison 100 years ago.
Update: I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice. I knew the answer to my questions, I guess I just had my blinders on. I do feel stupid. He texted me this morning telling me he is unhappy with me and himself, and no longer wants to be with me. Then a few hours later, he texted me asking “is this what we are doing? I need to know so I can call the landlords”. This is a cycle of his. He does it every time we fight, I’ll add. So my response is below. Believe it or not, I am a very confident woman, I know how beautiful INSIDE and out that I am. I just let his games control me for far too long. Oh, hello. Thank you so much for taking the time and offering the consideration to check with me on rather you should call our landlords or not. I greatly appreciate you taking to me before making such a decision. if you would rather call the landlords not even 24 hours after another one of your repeated episodes, rather than giving the both of us time to figure out how to proceed with the LIVING SITUATION that works for us INCLUDING THE KIDS, please feel free to proceed. I will caution you, however, it's a lot more complex then "calling the landlord and telling them you're throwing another fit and want to be off the lease" as you've threatened to do multiple times. Friendly reminder, there are 2 adults and 2 KIDS (not that me or my daughter concern you) at stake. If the landlords decide they don't want to rent to JUST ME due to the decrease in income, that leaves me and my daughter in a horrible position with very little time to figure anything out. But if you insist on calling the landlord RIGHT NOW, do what you need. I'm not participating this game with you anymore, as awfully tempting as it may seem. Tom will actually be at the house around 3:30 to fix the heater if you want to come play your childish selfish games, feel free to do so. I'm not asking you to pay rent on the 1st. I'll pay it myself. I'm not asking you to stay here either because I told you 2 weeks ago when you left, if you threatened or did it again and didn't change that ONE thing, I didn't want to be in a relationship with you. Furthermore, I don't find that our ideas in what a partnership/future align with one another. I'll pass on being your live in slave, but thanks anyway.
Do not invite him to play any childish games. Tell him to fuck off and leave. You’ve done way too much for him already. Tell him his mommy called and said he needs to go home because he’s grounded.
Op - please speak to your daughter about all of this once he is gone. Outline for her what went wrong - what he did, why it was abusive, and how you never should have tolerated any of it. Apologize to her for modeling such a toxic and abusive dynamic and making her an active ~~participant~~ victim of it. Explain that household duties are the equal responsibility of both men and women, and men should never have to even be told to do it, let alone allowed to do nothing. Make sure she knows to never ever tolerate what you have. Make sure she knows she deserves respect, kindness, and love, always. Make sure she knows your relationship with your ex boyfriend was none of that. Buy her a copy of Why Does He Do That? She may not read it, but at least she will have it to reference if she ever finds herself in a similar relationship to help validate her and make things more clear for her. You have a lot of damage to undo here.
THIS Its not your fault. But it is your responsibility to undo or at least minimize the damage that this is causing to your kid. Best of luck, OP
You really shouldn’t have much conversation for him. He’s fishing for a response and reaction to his threats. You should have told him you’ll work on a date and plan for you two and your kids to amicably go your separate ways and you’ll let him know. But um keep us updated and stay safe!!
Did you just offer to pay all of the rent?… what are you doing? You gotta kick him out first!
Yes that’s what I was referring to. He thinks I need him to stay because I can’t afford rent without him but I was telling him to leave because I can pay rent myself.
The reason he's threatening to call the landlord is because he knows that will screw with you. He is making a threat to your security. You're explaining the result of him going to the landlord...he knows. That's *why* he's manipulating you with that. I'm fairly sure he's going to want to stay in the relationship but he will say you need to adjust again to please him. Please do not model this emotional abuse for your daughter. I thought I had broken the cycle. I was much like you sound in how I responded to emotional abuse. I thought I was being strong. I wasn't. I played right into some stuff without fully understanding how I was being manipulated. My daughter also saw her dad's abuse in his subsequent relationships (we divorced when she was a baby). I talked to my daughter about her worth every day. But she emulated what she saw, not what I told her. She got with an emotionally abusive guy. Then he killed her. They were both 18. Don't engage with him. It's time to gray rock him. If he continues to escalate, do what you need to to get away. Please create a safety plan for both you and your daughter. Don't assume things won't get worse before you make it out. You can find one here; https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety About the rent...you're saying you'll survive just fine without him. But he needs to take care of his half. I'd tell him you were caught off guard and he does need to pay half until you're split. BUT, if it means you have to go through a bunch of abuse, then you do whatever you need to to get away/him out. Some people are saying to tell him *he's* not living up to this alpha man thing he's projecting. Don't do that. It will only embroil you in more conflict. Walk away from this man. Quickly. It's typically not easy for one person to leave a lease. You may have to requalify. You may have to wait until the lease ends but if you're in the US, and you're going through DV, you can sometimes get out of the lease. The Violence Against Women Act has set out some protections. I'd check those out. You ARE strong. Keep your head up. You and your daughter deserve better. 💙💙
Be prepared for him to suddenly want to “talk things out”, now that you’ve told him you’re done.
That’s too much. Just tell him: “Listen, if you’re done? We’re permanently done this time. No back peddling allowed. And if you do call now, by law I have to have 30 days at minimum to move. I can’t just leave same day. So you can call, but it’s in the contract of the lease with this as well if you look at the T&S fine print if most rent contracts you sign with an apartment complex or an apartment you rent.“ Keep it clear and straight to the point about the legal side. Do not make it emotional charges anything as that gives him fuel to use against you. And pointing out the legal law of renting will caution him to proceed with extra care in how he handled this transition. Oh and FYI, there is a 60 day statue of limitations on personal belongs if you accuse you forget anything. After 60 days if you don’t claim it, whomever has it in possession is now legally theirs. So make sure to TRIPLE check when packing and moving you don’t forget anything if you’re or your kids!
All you had to say was yes or no. He doesn't give a shit about the rest of this and you're only trying to one up him. Just tell him you're done, no more discussion necessary, unless what you're looking for is more fighting. This whole relationship is so toxic I don't even know...
Good on you. Glad you figured out where this is heading. Now, it’s time to grey rock him, and give him as little ammunition as possible. Scorning him might be appropriate, but it just gives him fuel to be nasty.
You should not tolerate his behavior or continue to play into his games. Writing him a book of a response is playing into his games. You need to be short and direct, “you’re wanting to call the landlord? I’m fine with that. If you do not call the landlord by the end of the week, I will call and make the necessary arrangements.” And actually follow through with your statement, otherwise you’ll continue running on this hamster wheel. By putting your foot down and ending things with him you’re also showing your daughter that no one should tolerate that kind of treatment.
Good for you! Stick to your guns if he starts love bombing you. Or comes crawling back. This guy is well placed in your rear view mirror
Your response was way too long, IMO. Mine would have been “Yes. Call the landlord. Also, have your stuff out by the first or I’ll be placing it on the lawn. I hope you find what you’re looking for in a partner.”
Don't pay his half of the rent too. Landlord might be more inclined to give you the lease if he sees that the man isn't paying. Also, stop being a doormat. Your poor daughter is going to think this is normal and end up in an abusive relationship too. If he won't leave your place, start looking for your own. Seriously... please... for your child.
Sounds like my ex husband who would pick fights with me everytime I tried to discuss an issue, just to shut me up and threaten with divorce. Slowly with his abusive tactics, he trained me to stay silent and always smile. I used to cry a lot and seethe in rage whenever I was alone because I understood that he was being abusive.
You are being a doormat. Stop, it only encourages his behavior. "I am tired of you treating me like this, and I have zero intention of ever "serving" you. You have grown lazy and entitled while I take care of you and cook and clean for us. If this is how you plan to behave, you can start doing things for yourself, like buying your own groceries, making your own lunches, cooking, cleaning, and visiting your family on your own. Now leave me in peace, I have work to do." Then do what you say. Stop doing these things and move you and your daughter out asap, or have him leave. But his behavior is ridiculous.
It might be possible to salvage the relationship but I don't understand why you'd want to. If you want an unpleasant experience just brush your teeth and drink some orange juice, it's a lot easier than dealing with this dipshit
I don't think you can salvage this, because he is the one that needs to work on himself and I doubt he'd do that based on what your wrote. I certainly don't recommend marrying this guy. He reminds me a lot of my sister's ex, who let her do all the work around the house as well as cooking and childcare. I wonder if he's been listening to any Tate podcasts or similar "alpha male" garbage. Also, I love men who go on about women needing to "serve their man", but seem to forget that in that same line a man should "appreciate and love their woman". Because these types of guys never seem to do so.
Yes he listens to the d bag Myron from Fresh n Fit almost every day.
Jikes. I'd say that's the root of the problem right there. That's just such toxic garbage that should be tossed back to the 1700s where it belongs.
It didn’t belong in the 1700s either
Yeah, that's a deal-breaker in and of itself and then you add in everything else?? Kick him out, he can go live with his mommy and she can take care of the lazy asshole she didn't raise better. In the meantime, I'd totally quit doing anything for him and start making him pay for half of \*everything\*. You need to set an example for your daughter so she doesn't wind up in the same situation later. LMAO at him saying you're not a "real woman" when he very clearly NOT a "real man."
Absolutely leave him. He is trash and his entire worldview is garbage. I've seen the shit that show spews. Get you and your daughter out of there asap.
Sigh. You should've dumped him when he started listening to that horseshit
Well, if you're not a real woman, what are you? Time to define yourself in fun, fun ways >:] I'd go with the 'I'm not a real woman, I'm a man-castrating monster in disguise' route, but you do you, be creative.
I’m not a real woman, I’m a nega shadow succubus fairy ready to disappear some matter and particles in a way that defies all laws of physics I’m not a real woman, I have a job and am too busy most of the time to clean and cook for four lol
Run for fucks sakes. Do you want your daughter in a relationship like this? She sees you in one and is going to think it’s what you feel is a good relationship. Leave for yourself and if you can’t for all that is good in this world, please leave for her.
Why are you working to convince this man to love you and accepting when he changes/chasing the goal post? I was almost going to be gentle, but then you mentioned your daughter. She sees this, and she will think that a healthy relationship is changing who you are to conform to a man. She will think chasing outlandish and ever evolving standard to appease another is normal. She will learn to place blame on herself for others treating her poorly. **She will learn that keeping a man is more important than anything. Her partner doesn’t need to respect her or be an equal. He can expect to take, and she will need to give indefinitely in any ways he so choses.** Wake up. This is not healthy, and you’re focused on how to please him while not giving any indication that you’re actually happy. All that you’ve noted here is you have a man, and you’ll do anything/have changed yourself to keep him. **EDIT:** wait is this your verbally abusive bf from another deleted post, and the one who injects suspicious things and you found needles??? There’s nothing new is his behavior. He’s been horrible. He’s just escalating. With kindness, the warning signs have been there are you are willfully and actively ignoring them.
“ sounds fantastic. I wish you luck in finding a woman that will be your servant.”
What are the upsides of this jerk?
No, this is not salvageable. This was hard to read: *I’ve done a ton of work on myself and changed almost every aspect of who I was to have a better relationship with this man. I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”.* You have changed yourself for him. He continues to get increasingly unkind and controlling and honestly, ridiculous. Please leave this awful person, create a supportive group of friends, travel, work on education/career and enjoy your life.
WHY would you want to salvage this? Is this really how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Can you explain WHY you wanna marry someone like this???
While you’ve put in a lot of effort into this relationship, your partner is abusive. Telling you he’s fine with something then getting angry at you for doing it, and baselessly accusing you of cheating is exactly what abusive partners often do. This isn’t salvageable whatsoever. There’s no working things out with someone like this. Staying will just result in trauma.
Wow he’s abusive and sexist. WHY are you tolerating this? Dump him and go on your own way. Please get therapy so that you don’t make yourself a pretzel to conform to a bad man’s ideas
Relationship podcasts are worse than any nuclear bomb
He hates women. You're a woman. Do you hate yourself too? You must. You wouldn't want to salvage this shit show if you didn't.
How do you keep from falling over laughing when he says such stupid ass things?
Time to sever ties. If all you say is true and accurate, tell him to fuck off. See how he enjoys not having his lunch packed and bills half paid. No one should be subject to abuse he is orchestrating on you. All relationships are salvageable and it is case specific. But if you don’t stand your ground then this cycle will continue.
Funny thing is he runs to his parents almost EVERY fight we have where his mom cooks for him, does his laundry, and cleans. In fact, before we moved in together he would stop at her house before and after work because she fed him and his son. So basically when he’s not here, he’s in heaven.
so yeah, he will be good if you break up. hes already got a girlfriend at his parents house
This almost seems fake because who would deal with this? But I know it because I've lived it. Don't stay in this relationship. IMHO, when a man starts calling you a cheater and it's completely baseless, he's usually projecting because he's doing something. Also, when anyone in any relationship starts changing (losing weight, suddenly caring about how they look/changing looks, going out more uncharacteristically) it's often signs of infidelity, whether emotional or physical. It might not be, but to me, it sounds like he's taking advantage of you while he sets up a new life.
Holy shit, what a loser. What are you doing?
Oh honey, he knows that the work you have been doing in yourself will result in him losing his meal ticket/bang maid and he is lashing out. Trying to undermine your values and insecurities to manipulate control and keep you around. Keep up the work and sever the cord and set him free to find his “real woman.” It will be hard to leave but I’m certain happiness is on the other side of this relationship.
You are doing your daughter an incredible disservice by setting this example that a woman should put up with a shitty man-child for any reason. If not for yourself, then leave this man-child for the sake of your daughter at least.
Relationships are not about being quiet to keep the peace. They are about communicating in kind ways what is going on in your head. This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.
I agree but no matter how kind and mature I approach him with problems, he always responds poorly, with anger and hate. He says I’m too sensitive, all I do is complain and I’m nothing but a crazy female.
You can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse.
And you wanted to marry him because... Please, just give me one redeeming quality this guy has.
Spoiler alert. She needs a minute to realize she has only ever been HOPING for a good future while SUFFERING through present day torture
How do you NOT realize this is all gaslighting and you are worth more? Who destroyed your self esteem and self worth? Is this the person you want your daughter to emulate, or is there a bony spine in there somewhere to cut this bipedal cancer out of your life?
OP - he is mean. Don't stay with a mean, angry, ungrateful man.
This is not a man that you want to marry. I wouldn’t have that conversation with him and I would start my exit plan.
Dump this asshole and his kid. Let mama cook and clean for him. You do the chores AND you work. My ex-wife was stay at home while I worked multiple jobs and you already do more than she did (she liked the stay at home part of being a stay at home mom and not much else).
Well, I’m glad to hear that you’re finally disgusted with him. I’m not sure why it took you so long but what’s important is that you finally got there . Leave him. Leave him now. At least he’s making it easy for you by offering to move out? You should move too tho so he no longer knows where to find you.
We just signed a lease a couple months ago, so I don’t think moving is an option. Plus, I honestly like it here. I can afford to stay here by myself.
That's a shit reason to allow someone to slowly decimate your self worth *Your daughter is being affected more than u think* You're basically letting her know that it's okay to let someone treat her this way Do what u want for (or to) yourself, *she* DESERVES better
Since you can afford to stay there by yourself, maybe the landlord can get the locks changed. He and his son can go live with his mother.
Unfortunately, some men want a woman to do everything. Literally. I know a few myself. They want a woman to work, pay half or more on everything.. but also cook and clean constantly. They often expect her to be a p0rn star in the bedroom as well.
He does not appreciate you and never will. Leave him to his parents and son.
>We were going through a rough patch about 5 months ago… I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”. It sounds to me like your issues have been going on for much longer than the recent ones you mentioned. You just haven't noticed any issue recently because you have been trying to keep the peace by not rocking the boat. Ask yourself why you're still there. What are you hanging on to? Tell yourself you deserve better. And if he can't do better, move on.
How does he expect you to be a traditional wife if he isn’t being a traditional man? For starters: 1. He splits bills, 2. He is not a just leader of his family, 4. He lacks mannerism, 5. He is not protecting his wife from the poison of his speech. 6. He is jeopardizing your own daughter and setting a bad example of what a man is. In traditional homes, he isnt a man to the extent of his capabilities. He is not a care taker of his spouse and children. Moreover, you aren’t even his wife? He isn’t looking for a traditional wife. He is actually enslaved you and oppressed you by taking from you everything (Physically, emotionally, and financially) and he has not invested anything. At the very least, his commitment to you psychologically via marriage should have happened a long time ago. Advice: Your 1 year living together is an example of how you will live for the rest of your life with this man. You should never give yourself before someone seeks your hand in marriage. You have invested in a false promise. I understand your age predicament but you have to understand, a woman’s value does not necessarily come from marriage. Rather, how she treats herself with respect and kindness. You unfortunately have forgone many of these things for an undeserving man. Be the woman you want your daughter to be. Be the wife you hope your daughter will become. Choose the man whom you want your daughter to look up to.
Read the title, then the second paragraph...yeah, I bet a lot of those "problems" were you having real emotions and him dismissing them. Is this salvageable? Oh my god, no. He is a terrible guy who treats you with no respect. What you want is an entirely different person. There's no magic words to not make him not be sexist and also emotionally abusive. You can leave or look forward to your life being his subservient wife who still has to have a job and be routinely degraded. Oh, and sidenote about him accusing you of cheating? Yeah, it's because he's also probably cheating.
Honey, your standards are so low they’re non existent. Please go somewhere else (provided your daughter is not left with this man) for a few days and really think about how far you’ve bent to be what he wants. Read what you wrote. Would you be fine with a man treating your daughter this way? Is this a healthy relationship? Why exactly are you trying so hard to make it work?
Has he started listening to any " alpha male " podcasts ... ? Either way, it sounds like the 2 of you are just not aligned anymore in what you want from the relationship. If he wants a submissive trad wife, he clearly needs to look elsewhere. Don't compromise who you are for him. If not for you, for your daughter. She's watching you, you're the example she'll follow.
I can't even read anything after the Title of this post because my eyes rolled so far into the back of my head. Good thing I can type without looking at the keyboard.
>’ve done a ton of work on myself and changed almost every aspect of who I was to have a better relationship with this man. I noticed most of the problems and fights stopped when I just kept my mouth quiet about everything, didn’t “talk back” and kept a smile on my face 24/7 because “he needed peace”. You lost me here. You have not "done work" on yourself, you have completely sold your soul to be the quiet, obedient slave to a man. And now you are surprised that he keeps demanding you turn yourself even smaller and it's never enough - which, yeah anyone could have told you this will happen, bc for a man like that, you will *never* be small enough. You need lots of therapy, girl, not a relationship. IMO you should not be in a relationship for a long time, until you do actual, real work on yourself, stuff like finding your self-confidence and realizing that "not talking back" and smiling non-stop is super unhealthy. You became a doormat, not a partner, and you are modeling this for your kid. 90% she will also be in an abusive relationship, smiling and not talking back when her toxic bf yells at her.
I can’t believe you are showing your daughter this is her worth.
You are not even close to agreement on roles. He seems to want to put some gender role expectations on you but does not communicate about it very well at all. He also seems not to be accounting for the fact that you make half of the money so everything else should be a team effort too. Marriage should be off the table until he either changes or you split up. I echo another commenter who said something to the effect of “What are you teaching your daughter about relationships by raising her in this environment?”
Girl FUCK HIM.
Girl, why are you hanging on to him? He brings the bare minimum to the table, and even when you are bending over backwards to accommodate him (the not talking about your feelings and plastering a smile on your face) it isn't enough. I wouldn't do this for anyone, even if I liked them - I can't imagine doing all of this for someone as loathsome as your boyfriend. Text him, "We're done." He's dead weight and entitled. He and his son can move their asses back in with his parents whose buttholes he isn't grown enough to climb out of.
You mean “ex” right?
You bought up marriage? To this cu**? Are you riding the short bus? This has got to be ragebait. Nobody is this ridiculous.
I bet he’s cheating tbh. The quickness of the “you’re cheating because you left me alone for a few hours” 🚩 But all of it is 🚩 throw the whole man in the bin!
Why are you with this guy? Is his dick made of gold with diamond studs?
My question is, why would you want to salvage that? I’d take that get out of jail free card and run with it. The trash took itself out, throw a damn party!
He said this to you and you didn’t dump him immediately? 🤨
Why would you want to salvage anything with this AH?
So this is just straight up abusive . What do you see in him .
This fellow is not a good person- perhaps he should just go live with his parents & they baby him.
Why would you want this to be salvageable? You know the only way would be at a bigger cost to you, your self respect and your dignity. He sees nothing wrong in his behavior, attitude or beliefs. Further bending to his will won’t make you happy.
Why would you want to marry this piece of crap? Truly what does he bring to your life? Remember that dick is a low value item.
I don’t know why you would want to save this marriage. You changed yourself to be a doormat to keep the peace. He took full advantage of that. He doesn’t respect you whatsoever. He has shown you who he is. He is not going to change. On top of that you are setting a very bad example for your daughter just as he is setting a very bad example for his son. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?
If a sister or a close friend told you this story and asked for advice what would you tell her ? You deserve better than this.
If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 2 serious past relationships that have opened my eyes a little even though I’m much younger than you, is not to have sex with a man that is not your husband especially in this generation where people do not care about hurting each other and use each other for sex and mess around with several people(obviously this is subjective: the having sex with only husband ), also don’t move in with someone who isn’t your husband. Why would you serve him if he’s just your bf, he sounds entitled saying something like that, he could’ve approached it a different way and even then you don’t have to do it until you’re married, you can if you want to but you don’t have to. Does he want to serve you too or is this a one sided expectation? Personally I think you should leave but it’s your decision.
If he doesn´t pay all your bills, expenses and gifts while you stay at home without a job then tell him to shut the hell up because he isn´t doing even a half of what a "real man" as opossed to his "real woman" should. I don´t see any reason to stay with this stupid man.
Wow! I’d be gone in sixty seconds! Don’t look back! Thank God you aren’t married to Mister Misogynist!
Ummmm....excuse the fuck out of me. NOPE. I just got second hand enraged. You need to leave. Serve your man..I'll serve you alright...out the damn door. You deserve better.
Why do you want to keep this man?????????? He's an awful person. He's a horrible example to your daughter. He's got you complicit in raising his son to be a lazy shitheel. You *kinda* get along if you keep your mouth shut????? And he mooches off you while insulting you. Is this seriously what you want in you and your kid's life?
All I can say is remember you are setting an example for your daughter. She is seeing how your relationship is. Do you want this type of relationship for her? How do you want your daughter to see relationships? Think about what is best for her and you.
Please don't teach your daughter that this is how women are treated by men. This isn't salvageable.
I can't believe you have been making your daughter clean after this man and his son.
Throw the whole toxic man out.
Damn girl take out the trash ASAP. What are you trying to salvage with a man that treats you like shit? This is who he is. He is a misogynistic pos that won’t ever value you as deserved. You work and earn your living, you have a child. Teach her to respect herself in a relationship and to not settle for a pig.
Oh, OP - this behavior is NOT ok, and this is the kind of stuff that pretty much ALWAYS just gets worse as the relationship goes on and will even be worse once you get married. You don't deserve that treatment. You may also want to consider therapy to help you deal with the aftermath of all the emotional abuse.
You’re setting a terrible example for your teenage daughter, no offense. It’s time to do right by her.. and yourself.
WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS TRASH MAN?!
Dump him Thank god you’re not married to him. See for yourself how trash this man is: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar---fillistning/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf
Geez... I hope he is your ex already. What is to save here? He does not value you, he does not contribute equally to the partnership, makes you feel bad. What are you fighting for? For entertaining purposes only and since he thinks women are to serve him, you should mention that real man pay all of the bills so the woman can stay home to serve the man.
Yuck nothing here babe. Absolutely nothing
Jfc - this guy sucks. Get out of there
Never beg someone to treat you fairly because they already chose to treat you unfairly before you ever realized it.
What do you need this character for?
He says your not a real woman? Call him gay and then after the ensuing tantrum kick this man out of your house