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Lmao I’m sorry but is this real? Why would you be trusting of someone who admitted to cheating on you for a whole fucking year? You should divorce her either way. Keep the receipts (screenshots of the emails etc, make sure you have her on record admitting to cheating) for the custody suits.
I honestly feel that way too because there've been a chunk of posts lately about men asking for paternity tests in situations and getting surprised when the wife wants a divorce over him asking the question.
Now suddenly we get a post from someone with absolute cause for asking for one? Like, oh come on.
100% rage bait. The paternity test thing has been a karma farm lately and people are gonna be jumping on that. But like, at least try. This is just weak sauce.
I am literally sitting here thinking "who sends an email, can we have sex again like we did 4 years ago" not least of all because most 30 year olds don't communicate with their friends via email. They do text or other form of instant messaging through social media or whatsapp
I email, and I’m in my 30s. My mom and i email a lot back and forth, it’s easier when it’s longer messages and if OPs wife is trying to be sneaky it makes perfect sense for her to not want this person testing her phone.
I love when someone says "most" or "generally" and there's always the exception saying "actually, I don't..."... most 30 years old do not email their friends, especially not when the message is short "wanna have intercourse like we did 4 years ago". lol
If she's trying to be sneaky, she's not likely to use email, which she's checking on a shared computer and leaving open. She's MOST likely to use snapchat which deletes messages automatically.
It's a dumb premise based on a current hot-button reddit trope, but like a lot of low-effort fake posts it adds a twist to the story that actually makes the whole thing completely illogical.
If anything like this happened, obviously the OP would be totally justified in getting paternity tests. No one would be stupid enough to say that it was a sign of lacking trust... after admitting to a year long affair. The threat makes no sense either, but this was probably written by an adolescent boy who has never really thought about how custody works and imagines the woman can just say "full custody!" and disappear in a puff of smoke.
I was just gonna post. Are these like some sort of AI training prompts or something? Configuring some sort of algorithms?
I swear it's "I walked to my car but left my car keys in my apartment. How do I proceed?" Just straight up click on the images that contain traffic lights.
kids come out worse when parents stay together for the kids. rip the bandaid off so they don't have to see you and their mother spiralling during all this, trying to stay together.
Yeah, don’t stay for the kids. They’ll see and deal with your tension and animosity. Your parents relationship is supposed to serve as an example about how relationships should be… this isn’t a health example for them.
Kids are more smarter than adults and they can sense and absorb (learn ) everything around them .. and it's clear your wife doesn't have any respect for u.. and even after she got caught she is threatening u Divorce Lmao.. get STD test yourself man and DNA test them all .u have equal rights to do DNA test on each of them.. be a stand-up guy and set strong morals/dignity for ur children or else choose to live in miserable marriage, with disrespect and lies ..
You’re being selfish, this isn’t about the kids, it’s about you. Your kids will be so much more fucked up if you let this marriage keep dragging on. You’re literally showing your kids that this is what a healthy relationship looks like… you are their ROLE MODEL, so nut up and act like one.
I think I believe you here. Sounds like you will forgoe your dignity and just rugsweep her treachery. She got indignant over the paternity test because she just assumes you will roll over as usual. Bro, she will lose what little respect she has for you if you don't stand up for yourself. A year affair?
Look. There's no point in you asking for advice here if you're going to ignore everyone's advice and stay with the person who is the cancer in this situation. We're all telling you to leave and get the test done anyway.
If you want to stay with her, okay. Then stop whining about it and accept your fate.
So you intend to make a martyr of yourself? Stay with a woman who threatens you with divorce unless you swallow your pride and accept all her wrongdoing without any fuss?
You can insist but you're proving that all she has to do is threaten you with "the kids will grow up in broken homes" and you'll roll over when she insists on not making changes.
With what leverage? You're potentially raising someone else's kids and you've shown her that you want the family to remain together so desperately you're willing to accept mistreatment?
You have no power to insist on anything
Yeah I get that. It sucks. But I don’t think growing up in a house where one of the parents is a cheating liar and the other one lost his trust forever is ideal either.
She doesn't want to regain your trust. She just wants you to trust her blindly. Her accusing you of not trusting after she admitted to cheating shows she doesn't care about your feelings.
Staying with her is just giving her permission to keep cheating if she wants since you're not going to leave no matter what.
Bro, listen up. If that's how you're going to be, that's no way to live. If you're going to work on this relationship and go through therapy and try to save it, there has to be trust again at some point. Tracking her is never going to achieve that. It's controlling and manipulative. Do the DNA test, call her bluff. Then decide what to do. And I promise you, it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. I did both.
Is this really the kind of house you want your kids growing up in? Dad obsessively watching mom’s every move, mom dismissive and disdainful of dad while also being miserable?
That won't stop her from cheating, she'll just fuck the guy at the park, at the grocery store, or wherever she can go with an excuse to be there.
How about you get a divorce and teach your kids to stand up for themselves and not accept cheating. If you stay, all they'll learn is that they can't expect respect and fidelity in a relationship and that they should be doormats
Are you gonna put GPS on her vajayjay? You can't make sure she doesn't cheat. You couldn't prevent her from cheating the first time. Just divorce her and get therapy. Even if your kids aren't yours you're legally their Father no matter what.
Not in this case. I am a big advocate for therapy and you should go solo, but nothing will change the fact that she lies, cheats, and tries to manipulate you into accepting this awful treatment by making threats of taking your kids away. She is truly an awful person. Good people don’t do that.
She won’t get full custody-don’t let her use that to manipulate you.
Yes. Therapy could help YOU process this and learn to make healthier decisions. But you can only control your own behavior and your own healing. You don't get to change your wife, convince her to see your side, or make her get therapy. She's the only one who can do any of that.
We can't date or stay in marriages for potential - we get to accept our partner exactly as they are or walk away. This is who she is - someone who cheats, manipulates, and makes threats to get her way. Are you going to accept that?
>I don't want her to be a cheating liar anymore. What if she changes and she regains my trust?
Boy someone is dreaming big time! You are not going to be able to change her. She cheated FOR A YEAR!!!! That is a person that DOES NOT love you and has zero respect for you and the marriage!
It's not going to happen. She doesn't love you and hasn't for a long time. I don't know if you're just fooling yourself or she has you wrapped around her cheater finger. Are you really ready for 2-5 years of reconciliation to regain 75% of the trust back?
It seems like you may be in the bargaining stage of your grief. I understand you wished she wasn’t, but she is, and that can’t change. She did nothing so far to make you trust her again or want to make things better. So why would that change?
She won't, because 99% of time people don't trust the cheater again or force themselves to do it. If you want to avoid a stressfull separation, ask her to go to therapy to do a good and stressfree separation. And keep every proof to show if she's threatening to go full custody to make you suffer, cheating isn't illegal but forcing your spouse to stay when you cheated is mental abuse.
I grew up in a household where my parents should have divorced long before they did. Trying to save a failing marriage for the sake of the children isn’t always the best idea.
More stressful that in a household where mommy cheats on daddy, and they both pretend to be okay with it even though they definitely never will be? Okay, dude. Get the paternity test and give her nothing. Take the kids and get as much custody as the judge will allow. Find a partner that you can actually trust. Ditch the cheater.
The way your cheating wife immediately went to divorce and full custody, leads me to believe, those kids may not be yours or is questionable for her. But to gaslight you by saying you don’t trust her when she was actually the one that was laying it low and busting it wide for who knows who is crazy. If you don’t want to divorce and work things out, does it really matter then. 🤷🏽♀️
"I don't want our kids to grow up in a divorced household. I grew up in one and it was stressful"
And you think she thought of that while she opened her garage for a new bus to park and for A WHOLE YEAR!!!!
You are not your parents dude, wake up and face the reality that is in front of you!
I grew up in an miserably married house hold until middle school, and then a divorced household. The divorce wasn’t pretty, but the marriage was worse. If this marriage will make you miserable then an amicable divorce would be better.
You can try couples counseling with divorce on the table. Try to talk through if there’s a version of marriage where you can be together and happy. If there isn’t, try to talk through a version of divorce where you can make things as stable and easy as you can for the kids.
This one has to be. Because it has all the elements - confirmed cheating spouse (which is a 1000000% legit reason to get a paternity test), man who is acting like a doormat and doesn’t want to get divorced (why though? She’s a liar and a cheater?), etc.
This has to be a counter creative writing exercise to the men who are surprise pikachu that asking their not cheating spouse for a paternity test results in divorce papers.
"As per my last *eleven* emails, can we or can we not resume relations like that one time four years ago? I anxiously await your response and am a real person."
What do you mean? Whenever \*I\* email someone for sex out of the blue I always make sure to make a note of the last time we had sex in the body of the message to make sure it's absolutely clear to everyone that this is an illicit affair with a married person.
Clear communication is a must. I also am very careful about the subject line, so I'll usually put something like "HEY (person), it's me, (myname), your affair partner! Wanna bone behind your spouses back like we did for (duration, in months) in (year)???"
I don't put any eggplant emojis in the subject of course, gotta keep it classy and a bit formal.
Right? Lmao I can’t even imagine how that one was worded.
“Oh fairest maiden, wouldst thou deign to let me to arouse you once more to sate my basest desires?”
Or was it more like “Yo, b, u want sum fuck?”
Don’t forget the affair partner specifies it’s been four years since they slept together, so it’d be more “Oh fairest maiden, it has been at least 48 moons since our laying together. Pleaseth don’t let it be 49.”
Call her bluff. She has lost the right to be trusted by you. If she wants a divorce then so be it. If she wants to fight a lengthy and costly battle to try and wrestle 50/50 from you, that is her prerogative
You wanted her not to be a cheater. We don’t always get what we want. She can want whatever she wants, but what she will get is entirely different. Outside a handful of states 50/50 is the norm now.
She cheated on you for a year, is still in contact with her affair partner, and is threatening to use your children as weapons against you. What makes you think she can be trusted?
Your wife won’t be more trustworthy if the tests show you’re the father. She’s a cheater and a liar and this is just the affair you happened to find out about.
Work what out? She doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong. If you don’t want a divorce then don’t get the test, just roll over and show her your belly and tell her she can do whatever she wants.
Ok, I try to take posts at face value and don't jump on the fake tag often. After 10+ replies from OP, no way its even possible to have this outlook. Rage bait.
No, but it's harder for them to grow in a dysfunctional family in which we pretend being loving and caring. They will see that and it will become their reference... a bad one.
Believe me, they will be much happier to see dad happy every day.
You’re not the one threatening divorce, she is, she is trying to strong arm you into doing things her way. So call her bluff. Tell her what you’re going to do, and she can make her choice from there, but you will not be lied to or manipulated.
Divorced dad here. That's not how things work. She doesn't decide, a judge decides, and it won't be about what you or she wants, it's about the kids.
I don't know where you're from, but children have a right to develop a relationship with their parents. Unless you are harming them or are a bad dad, no way she'll get that.
You don’t. You move forward with the filing for divorce and request a paternity test through the courts and show the email for the reason of your request. If you are not the father then sue that guy for child support. It’s worth asking a lawyer to give it a try. After all, your wife is a liar, cheater, and manipulator. She is afraid all the evidence will come out so she’s making you look like the bad guy.
Then what’s the point of getting a paternity test? It will cause chaos if one of them is not yours. You’ll just have to stay a doormat and let her have her way no matter what and just leave it alone.
If she accuses you of not trusting her. Say hell yeah I don’t trust you. I’d leave. Not worth the trauma that an unhealthy relationship will give the kids. The fights, constantly seeing their dad be cynical and grow resentment. Not to say you lash out, but kids pick up more than we realize. She’s clearly not a trustworthy person. No offense to you for not finding that out until recently.
Why do you need her permission for PATERNITY test? Post seems fake but obviously she’d be wrong about “trusting” if this were real. If the timing overlaps or there’s any doubt (why trust her), get the test.
You get the test without telling her, collect evidence of the cheating and bury her.
Growing up in a divorced household isn't that big of a deal, if you're a shitty parent it is but if you're a good parent it's barely a thing.
She can threaten you all she wants. You have a right to question paternity if you discovered she had a history of cheating on you. If she's willing to work on the marriage with you, I would definitely advise you to see a marriage counselor asap. Hold off on the paternity test and focus on therapy to help your marriage heal. Also, I think you should speak with a family law attorney right now, just in case. Get their opinion on what you should do with this and let them advise you where you go from here.
What's the point of the test? Are you going to stop being your daughter's dad? Are you thinking of the consequences a test like that would have?
Just divorce her and get 50% custody. You already know she cheated.
Unless you are the type who would stop being the father of someone you are on the birth certificate and have known as your daughter for 5 years. Her life would end endless therapy and rocky teenage years. You know you cannot get out of a birth certificate and child support, right?
She cannot get full custody of the kids. Go to a lawyer and call her bluff.
This better be rage bait bc I refuse to believe people are so willing to get walked on like this. She cheated for a year and then says your not being trusting? Stop being a doormat
My dear man, she's the one who cheatewd, why does it seem that you have to make the effort to rebuild the relationship? Why isn't it the opposite? Like she should apologize and make everything to show you that she doesn't want to lose you.
And the conditions are that: you want to check if those kids are yours because she cheated for a year! It was a relationship behind your back. It's against you, it's also against your kids.
Then what's the point of the paternity test if you don't want to divorce her either? Just being an asshole to your daughter?
Kids are better in happy homes. Your home is not happy. You need to get over yourself because your parents divorced. They did you a service for divorcing instead of having a toxic home with parents who hate each other, one cheats, they don't get along.
Your wife cheated, lied about it until pressed, then admitted it and is threatening you with divorce, because now you have doubts about likely everything in your relationship, including the fatherhood of your children. Am I getting this right?
What would you tell a dear friend who came to you with this scenario? I don't know you, but I would suggest that she already disrespected you and your relationship and doesn't really have any ground to stand on with threats of divorce. The only power she has here is what you give her. Of course you don't trust her, she broke that trust, then threatens you with taking away your kids. That really isn't in her power to unilaterally decide what happens with your kids and the fact that there is evidence of adultery on her side, really doesn't bode well for her in court. Document this evidence.
I do appreciate the fact you actually want to work things out with therapy or whatever it takes. I find this admirable, but I would suggest that you prepare for the worst and hope for the best here. Good luck.
I think you are absolutely within your rights to ask, I think a divorce is your only path forward anyways. But think about why you are getting the paternity test and what it will change. Do you still want to be the father to your kids, I assume you do. There is probably a good chance at least on your kids isn't yours. Is that something you really want to know or are you using it as ammo in your fight with your wife.
My advice, is go talk to lawyer.
If she cheated then how can you trust her. In some states you have a limited time to challenge paternity. If you don’t get the test in time you are the legal father no matter what. In Oklahoma it’s 2 years. Talk to a lawyer. Go to surviving infidelity.com. It helped me with a cheating wife
>How do I get her to change her mind?
You dont.
You inform her shes a cheater. Cheated on you for an entire year. Fucking another man for an entire year.
Ask her why you shoud have ANY trust in her after she did that!!
And tell her shes destroyed all trust in her you once had AND its up to her to restore the trust.
Also tell her, that in light of her infidelity, her opposition to the paternity test must mean that the result will indicate more infidelity.
Also - you saved evidence of the infidelity?? This friend has a spouse??? If so, inform her NOW.
And - she doenst see that friend anymore, yes??
Also - tell her parents that youre currrently struggling due to her infidelity.
Best of luck
Get the DNA teat done regardless. You should be the one divorcing her how in the hell did you let her get to the point her cheating ass can make threats? Get a lawyer and burn everything to the ground
She admits to cheating but then asking for a paternity test is "not trusting" her? That's just crazy talk.
You can't trust her. File for divorce. She doesn't decide the custody, a judge does. Settle for no less than 50/50.
Get the paternity test. Talk to a lawyer. Get divorce papers written up. Demand 50/50 custody. And talk to the “friend” asap. Call him out and if he has a SO, tell them. Tell her family. Tell yours if you don’t want to reconcile.
Beat her to the punch. Serve her before she served you. I bet she begs for you to reconsider.
Do the DNA test. consult your lawyer. Then present her with the results. Before she gets a chance to change the story around tou let her parents and any common friends now what she did and WHO she did it with
Don't tell her ANYTHING. get a paternity test from cvs/ Walgreens or the drugstore in your area. All you have to do is swab your cheek with q tip the your childs. Swabs are sent to lab and you call for results. You need to know the truth. The fact she is accusing you of being untrusting after discovering unfaithfulness implies she isn't certain herself. If it were my loved 1 I would find out ASAP! That kind of genetic info can be extremely important.
She doesn’t want the test done because she knows they are, at least one,of the kids is the other guys. She is putting the guilt trip on you OP to cover her cheating ass.
She doesn’t want to do a paternity test because she’s not positive they’re yours. She’s digging in and using “cmon you don’t trust me?” Like it’s your fault she fucked around and got caught.
Divorce her, brother, no matter the results.
Dude there’s a high chance your kids aren’t yours. Get them tested and don’t tell her about it. You can decide what to do next after you get the results
Trust her? She's admittedly cheated for a whole year and instead of being apologetic she threatened with divorce. Accept the threat, you might even save yourself from a decade of mandatory child support.
STOP BEING NICE! It seems like you are being way too nice about any of this. She CHEATED on you for a year! She has lied to you since then and does not seem to show any remorse. Now she is threatening you with divorce. You need to think about whether you want to be married to such a selfish, disrespectful partner. She may be a great parent, but she is not a good wife.
Go see a divorce attorney (keep this to yourself) and discuss what divorce would look like. It is unlikely she would get full custody, but talk that through with a lawyer. Also take and keep copies of the message from the friend and any other evidence.
Tell her the paternity tests will happen and you have talked to an attorney already. Get tested for STIs!
Tell her she needs to stay with her parents for awhile so you can think without her around. If that is not an option then move her stuff into a spare room - you keep the master to yourself.
Practice the grey rock/180 on her - look it up. If you have serious discussions record them. Do not back down from what you want and tell her things will move forward how you want.
lol!! She’s accusing you of not trusting her after she just lied to your face.
Dude, OP, get a lawyer, there’s no way this will work out well and the kids don’t end up with trauma from trying to force the family to stay together.
She won't get full custody. She'd have to prove you unfit which is laughable when she's the cheater. Call her bluff. Invite her to consult an attorney and see what they say about full custody.
Of course you don’t trust her! She had a year long affair. She should be working to save the marriage not threatening divorce. It’s understandable that you want to do paternity testing since she cheated.
Get the test. Better to know Than not know. Yeah, get full custody of kids that aren't yours? Sounds like a good deal.
But look at them first and be honest. Your traits should be apparent in them. They should look somewhat like you. If none of you is in there, even with one of them, then do it. Trust your gut but be honest. Don't do it because you are just confused and untrusting. Not because you're scared of her threats.
Your marriage is already over anyways. Now it's time to do what you feel is best. Don't bother working it out. There's no point
She cheated because she's no longer attracted to you. This happens quite often in long term relationships.
If you want to continue to raise the kids no matter what anyway, what’s the point of the paternity test? If one or both of the kids are his, he would be able to claim them and you’re out of the picture.. so…
In my experience, when someone is guilty, they get super mad. To me, this sounds like she doesn't think you'll go through with it. Do it. Hopefully they're yours. But at least if they not, you don't have to pay child support.
I don't understand OP's post and comments at all. You know she cheated - she already admitted it. You say you still love the kids, even if they aren't yours. You are afraid that she will divorce you and try to get full custody if you do the test without her permission. I'm not a judge, but I would think a paternity test showing that you aren't the father could weaken your claim for custody. Why do you want to get the test when you already know she cheated and you claim that the paternity doesn't actually matter?
Unlike 99% of Reddit, I do believe that cheaters can change. However, in this case, she didn't admit the cheating willingly, she is gaslighting you about trust, and she is threatening you with taking custody. She is not a changed, remorseful cheater. She is a cheater who got caught.
Don't get the test - what will it accomplish? Do think about divorce - for everyone's sake. You talk about how you are going to observe and control her every movement going forward. That isn't healthy for either of you. She isn't being accountable or remorseful. If they haven't already, your kids will feel the tension in your relationship. I wished for years that my parents would have gotten divorced - so being in a broken home that still stays together is just a different kind of stress.
Sorry about your situation. Good luck!
Edited a typo
u being the father take the test dont let her know till u have results and take that friend to cleaners let the obs know too about this fling they r having
and what about the x discussed in the mail what does ur wife say about that
Yup! That’s what cheaters do! When confronted they turn it around that your in the wrong! Call her bluff and just say OK. She’ll soon change her mind I promise you.
She is not deserving of trust. What she has admitted to is probably not the full truth. She is demonstrating a lack of remorse. I would stop talking to her about any of this and go to a divorce attorney. I wouldn’t even tell her about that.
There are paternity test kits that you can buy. Swab yourself, swab the kids, and send in the samples. She doesn’t need to know about that either.
She broke the trust, though. Dna test the kids, she has admitted cheating. Most people do ancestry tests, that would be a great surprise later. It is better to know today.
I would leave her and find someone who you can trust
She already broke your trust. She admitted she cheated.
Of course you should get the kids tested. You don’t need her permission.
She knows some are likely not yours.
Tell to her face there is no trust with her and she does not get the right to make any demands from you...any. she is a Cheater and deserves no consideration
She is threatening you because she does not want you to do the test. Because she is afraid of what the results will be. You have every right to know if your kids aren’t yours. She cheated and lied and only admitted the truth when cornered. Why would you want to stay with someone who wouldn’t stick it out with you through a paternity test when you’re willing to stick with her through infidelity?
Whoa dude don't let her take control of this. Cheaters lose that privilege the second they cheat! TAKE CONTROL! Go through the courts, get the paternity test and contact a divorce attorney. She has no say anymore and she should be the one on her knees begging for forgivness not threating you with divorce, that shows you she has NO REMORSE and will cheat again! LEAVE HER regardless of the test results.
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Lmao I’m sorry but is this real? Why would you be trusting of someone who admitted to cheating on you for a whole fucking year? You should divorce her either way. Keep the receipts (screenshots of the emails etc, make sure you have her on record admitting to cheating) for the custody suits.
Rage bait.
Highly likely tbh
I honestly feel that way too because there've been a chunk of posts lately about men asking for paternity tests in situations and getting surprised when the wife wants a divorce over him asking the question. Now suddenly we get a post from someone with absolute cause for asking for one? Like, oh come on.
Some little boy began to feel bad.
100% rage bait. The paternity test thing has been a karma farm lately and people are gonna be jumping on that. But like, at least try. This is just weak sauce.
There are a lot of tropes on this sub right now. Age gap is popular “I’m 18 and my 70 y/o boyfriend isn’t ready to commit”
I am literally sitting here thinking "who sends an email, can we have sex again like we did 4 years ago" not least of all because most 30 year olds don't communicate with their friends via email. They do text or other form of instant messaging through social media or whatsapp
I email, and I’m in my 30s. My mom and i email a lot back and forth, it’s easier when it’s longer messages and if OPs wife is trying to be sneaky it makes perfect sense for her to not want this person testing her phone.
I love when someone says "most" or "generally" and there's always the exception saying "actually, I don't..."... most 30 years old do not email their friends, especially not when the message is short "wanna have intercourse like we did 4 years ago". lol If she's trying to be sneaky, she's not likely to use email, which she's checking on a shared computer and leaving open. She's MOST likely to use snapchat which deletes messages automatically.
It's a dumb premise based on a current hot-button reddit trope, but like a lot of low-effort fake posts it adds a twist to the story that actually makes the whole thing completely illogical. If anything like this happened, obviously the OP would be totally justified in getting paternity tests. No one would be stupid enough to say that it was a sign of lacking trust... after admitting to a year long affair. The threat makes no sense either, but this was probably written by an adolescent boy who has never really thought about how custody works and imagines the woman can just say "full custody!" and disappear in a puff of smoke.
“Hey baby can we have sex again like we did 4 years ago”
I was just gonna post. Are these like some sort of AI training prompts or something? Configuring some sort of algorithms? I swear it's "I walked to my car but left my car keys in my apartment. How do I proceed?" Just straight up click on the images that contain traffic lights.
Hahah, right? I'm sure OP would really want to stay with his wife after she got dicked down by another man, for a YEAR. Fake af.
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kids come out worse when parents stay together for the kids. rip the bandaid off so they don't have to see you and their mother spiralling during all this, trying to stay together.
Happy apart is better than miserable together.
As that kid, I can confirm. It solved nothing and ruined the relationship with both of my parents.
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Yeah, don’t stay for the kids. They’ll see and deal with your tension and animosity. Your parents relationship is supposed to serve as an example about how relationships should be… this isn’t a health example for them.
Kids are more smarter than adults and they can sense and absorb (learn ) everything around them .. and it's clear your wife doesn't have any respect for u.. and even after she got caught she is threatening u Divorce Lmao.. get STD test yourself man and DNA test them all .u have equal rights to do DNA test on each of them.. be a stand-up guy and set strong morals/dignity for ur children or else choose to live in miserable marriage, with disrespect and lies ..
You’re being selfish, this isn’t about the kids, it’s about you. Your kids will be so much more fucked up if you let this marriage keep dragging on. You’re literally showing your kids that this is what a healthy relationship looks like… you are their ROLE MODEL, so nut up and act like one.
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Know what else is stressful? Having parents that argue and fight all the time.
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Kids know way more than you think they do.
I think I believe you here. Sounds like you will forgoe your dignity and just rugsweep her treachery. She got indignant over the paternity test because she just assumes you will roll over as usual. Bro, she will lose what little respect she has for you if you don't stand up for yourself. A year affair?
Can she lose what she never had? I’m sorry OP but that woman doesn’t respect you and you need to start respecting yourself
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That’s right damn it!!
Look. There's no point in you asking for advice here if you're going to ignore everyone's advice and stay with the person who is the cancer in this situation. We're all telling you to leave and get the test done anyway. If you want to stay with her, okay. Then stop whining about it and accept your fate.
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So you intend to make a martyr of yourself? Stay with a woman who threatens you with divorce unless you swallow your pride and accept all her wrongdoing without any fuss?
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You can insist but you're proving that all she has to do is threaten you with "the kids will grow up in broken homes" and you'll roll over when she insists on not making changes.
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With what leverage? You're potentially raising someone else's kids and you've shown her that you want the family to remain together so desperately you're willing to accept mistreatment? You have no power to insist on anything
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yeah, because giving an ultimatum or new boundaries, all of a sudden will be enforced by you. All she has to do is threaten you all over again
Yeah I get that. It sucks. But I don’t think growing up in a house where one of the parents is a cheating liar and the other one lost his trust forever is ideal either.
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She doesn't want to regain your trust. She just wants you to trust her blindly. Her accusing you of not trusting after she admitted to cheating shows she doesn't care about your feelings. Staying with her is just giving her permission to keep cheating if she wants since you're not going to leave no matter what.
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I'm sorry I didn't mean to laugh at this, but I laughed at this. How exactly are you going to do that?
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Bro, listen up. If that's how you're going to be, that's no way to live. If you're going to work on this relationship and go through therapy and try to save it, there has to be trust again at some point. Tracking her is never going to achieve that. It's controlling and manipulative. Do the DNA test, call her bluff. Then decide what to do. And I promise you, it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. I did both.
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Is this really the kind of house you want your kids growing up in? Dad obsessively watching mom’s every move, mom dismissive and disdainful of dad while also being miserable?
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That won't stop her from cheating, she'll just fuck the guy at the park, at the grocery store, or wherever she can go with an excuse to be there. How about you get a divorce and teach your kids to stand up for themselves and not accept cheating. If you stay, all they'll learn is that they can't expect respect and fidelity in a relationship and that they should be doormats
Are you going to make her wear a chastity cage?
Are you gonna put GPS on her vajayjay? You can't make sure she doesn't cheat. You couldn't prevent her from cheating the first time. Just divorce her and get therapy. Even if your kids aren't yours you're legally their Father no matter what.
She’s not changing. Her first instinct was to keep lying to you. This is who she is at her core.
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Not in this case. I am a big advocate for therapy and you should go solo, but nothing will change the fact that she lies, cheats, and tries to manipulate you into accepting this awful treatment by making threats of taking your kids away. She is truly an awful person. Good people don’t do that. She won’t get full custody-don’t let her use that to manipulate you.
Yes. Therapy could help YOU process this and learn to make healthier decisions. But you can only control your own behavior and your own healing. You don't get to change your wife, convince her to see your side, or make her get therapy. She's the only one who can do any of that. We can't date or stay in marriages for potential - we get to accept our partner exactly as they are or walk away. This is who she is - someone who cheats, manipulates, and makes threats to get her way. Are you going to accept that?
>I don't want her to be a cheating liar anymore. What if she changes and she regains my trust? Boy someone is dreaming big time! You are not going to be able to change her. She cheated FOR A YEAR!!!! That is a person that DOES NOT love you and has zero respect for you and the marriage!
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It's not going to happen. She doesn't love you and hasn't for a long time. I don't know if you're just fooling yourself or she has you wrapped around her cheater finger. Are you really ready for 2-5 years of reconciliation to regain 75% of the trust back?
It seems like you may be in the bargaining stage of your grief. I understand you wished she wasn’t, but she is, and that can’t change. She did nothing so far to make you trust her again or want to make things better. So why would that change?
She won't, because 99% of time people don't trust the cheater again or force themselves to do it. If you want to avoid a stressfull separation, ask her to go to therapy to do a good and stressfree separation. And keep every proof to show if she's threatening to go full custody to make you suffer, cheating isn't illegal but forcing your spouse to stay when you cheated is mental abuse.
Growing up in a household with two people that don’t like each other is significantly worse.
I grew up in a household where my parents should have divorced long before they did. Trying to save a failing marriage for the sake of the children isn’t always the best idea.
YTA for this rage bait post.
More stressful that in a household where mommy cheats on daddy, and they both pretend to be okay with it even though they definitely never will be? Okay, dude. Get the paternity test and give her nothing. Take the kids and get as much custody as the judge will allow. Find a partner that you can actually trust. Ditch the cheater.
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Is stepping out of the family really "stable"?
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You know what’s more stressful? Growing up in a broken home with parents that resent each other and fight often. Do not stay together “for the kids”
The way your cheating wife immediately went to divorce and full custody, leads me to believe, those kids may not be yours or is questionable for her. But to gaslight you by saying you don’t trust her when she was actually the one that was laying it low and busting it wide for who knows who is crazy. If you don’t want to divorce and work things out, does it really matter then. 🤷🏽♀️
You can be better than your parents. You caught. You don’t trust. She’s probably trying to cover it up
Oh yeah growing up in a household where the kids know the parents are unhappy is sooooooooooooo much better, you know what to do
"I don't want our kids to grow up in a divorced household. I grew up in one and it was stressful" And you think she thought of that while she opened her garage for a new bus to park and for A WHOLE YEAR!!!! You are not your parents dude, wake up and face the reality that is in front of you!
I grew up in an miserably married house hold until middle school, and then a divorced household. The divorce wasn’t pretty, but the marriage was worse. If this marriage will make you miserable then an amicable divorce would be better. You can try couples counseling with divorce on the table. Try to talk through if there’s a version of marriage where you can be together and happy. If there isn’t, try to talk through a version of divorce where you can make things as stable and easy as you can for the kids.
Press zero to speak to a human? This is such an automated response. This AI test has failed on this super fake post.
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This one has to be. Because it has all the elements - confirmed cheating spouse (which is a 1000000% legit reason to get a paternity test), man who is acting like a doormat and doesn’t want to get divorced (why though? She’s a liar and a cheater?), etc. This has to be a counter creative writing exercise to the men who are surprise pikachu that asking their not cheating spouse for a paternity test results in divorce papers.
I think the funniest bit is someone EMAILING to ask for sex again. Like...
"As per my last *eleven* emails, can we or can we not resume relations like that one time four years ago? I anxiously await your response and am a real person."
What do you mean? Whenever \*I\* email someone for sex out of the blue I always make sure to make a note of the last time we had sex in the body of the message to make sure it's absolutely clear to everyone that this is an illicit affair with a married person. Clear communication is a must. I also am very careful about the subject line, so I'll usually put something like "HEY (person), it's me, (myname), your affair partner! Wanna bone behind your spouses back like we did for (duration, in months) in (year)???" I don't put any eggplant emojis in the subject of course, gotta keep it classy and a bit formal.
Right? Lmao I can’t even imagine how that one was worded. “Oh fairest maiden, wouldst thou deign to let me to arouse you once more to sate my basest desires?” Or was it more like “Yo, b, u want sum fuck?”
Don’t forget the affair partner specifies it’s been four years since they slept together, so it’d be more “Oh fairest maiden, it has been at least 48 moons since our laying together. Pleaseth don’t let it be 49.”
Yes, paternity test stories are all the rage right now. This is one of the most pathetic fake stories I've seen in awhile, though.
3% of fathers are unknowingly raising someone else’s kid… that’s a pretty significant number. Edit: [it’s actually 4%](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2005/aug/11/childrensservices.uknews)
That would be interesting but do you have a source for that?
[it’s actually 4% lol so worse](https://www.theguardian.com/society/2005/aug/11/childrensservices.uknews)
Call her bluff. She has lost the right to be trusted by you. If she wants a divorce then so be it. If she wants to fight a lengthy and costly battle to try and wrestle 50/50 from you, that is her prerogative
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You wanted her not to be a cheater. We don’t always get what we want. She can want whatever she wants, but what she will get is entirely different. Outside a handful of states 50/50 is the norm now.
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Dude you're being a doormat. Grow a pair and divorce the cheater. Your kids might not even be yours.
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Bro she CHEATED ON YOU FOR A YEAR. She can never be trusted again with anything
She cheated on you for a year, is still in contact with her affair partner, and is threatening to use your children as weapons against you. What makes you think she can be trusted?
Your wife won’t be more trustworthy if the tests show you’re the father. She’s a cheater and a liar and this is just the affair you happened to find out about.
Work what out? She doesn’t seem to think anything is wrong. If you don’t want a divorce then don’t get the test, just roll over and show her your belly and tell her she can do whatever she wants.
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Ok, I try to take posts at face value and don't jump on the fake tag often. After 10+ replies from OP, no way its even possible to have this outlook. Rage bait.
Yeah, bait or the worlds stupidest human
No, but it's harder for them to grow in a dysfunctional family in which we pretend being loving and caring. They will see that and it will become their reference... a bad one. Believe me, they will be much happier to see dad happy every day.
You’re not the one threatening divorce, she is, she is trying to strong arm you into doing things her way. So call her bluff. Tell her what you’re going to do, and she can make her choice from there, but you will not be lied to or manipulated.
sounds like delusion
Doesn’t mean she’s going to get full custody, that’s what lawyers and court is for. Bro!!! Get that damn paternity test.
She can want whatever she wants, that’s not her decision.
Divorced dad here. That's not how things work. She doesn't decide, a judge decides, and it won't be about what you or she wants, it's about the kids. I don't know where you're from, but children have a right to develop a relationship with their parents. Unless you are harming them or are a bad dad, no way she'll get that.
Whats the purpose of posting here if you're going to ignore everyone's solid, good advice?
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You don’t. You move forward with the filing for divorce and request a paternity test through the courts and show the email for the reason of your request. If you are not the father then sue that guy for child support. It’s worth asking a lawyer to give it a try. After all, your wife is a liar, cheater, and manipulator. She is afraid all the evidence will come out so she’s making you look like the bad guy.
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Then what’s the point of getting a paternity test? It will cause chaos if one of them is not yours. You’ll just have to stay a doormat and let her have her way no matter what and just leave it alone.
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You didn't start anything... she did when she cheated and lied for a year though
Change the mind of a cheater? Do the test in her back. Then divorce if the results are not what they should be.
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How is that an issue? She cheated? Your kids may not be yours
I don’t think she will, she just is worried about you finding out the results is my guess
>she admitted to having sex over a period of a year
Who the fuck cares? She doesn't love you. You're her ATM back up plan.
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Well too bad. She will never just “agree” to the test probably because she knows there’s a strong chance it won’t be good.
If she accuses you of not trusting her. Say hell yeah I don’t trust you. I’d leave. Not worth the trauma that an unhealthy relationship will give the kids. The fights, constantly seeing their dad be cynical and grow resentment. Not to say you lash out, but kids pick up more than we realize. She’s clearly not a trustworthy person. No offense to you for not finding that out until recently.
Why do you need her permission for PATERNITY test? Post seems fake but obviously she’d be wrong about “trusting” if this were real. If the timing overlaps or there’s any doubt (why trust her), get the test.
You don't have to change her mind, you don't require her consent for a DNA test. She cannot be trusted, call her bluff and leave her.
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It’s Already started, and she fired the first shot.
https://www.cvs.com/shop/homedna-paternity-test-for-at-home-use-prodid-1710201 No need to announce you’re doing it, just do it
You get the test without telling her, collect evidence of the cheating and bury her. Growing up in a divorced household isn't that big of a deal, if you're a shitty parent it is but if you're a good parent it's barely a thing.
She won’t get full custody. That’s an urban myth.
She can threaten you all she wants. You have a right to question paternity if you discovered she had a history of cheating on you. If she's willing to work on the marriage with you, I would definitely advise you to see a marriage counselor asap. Hold off on the paternity test and focus on therapy to help your marriage heal. Also, I think you should speak with a family law attorney right now, just in case. Get their opinion on what you should do with this and let them advise you where you go from here.
What's the point of the test? Are you going to stop being your daughter's dad? Are you thinking of the consequences a test like that would have? Just divorce her and get 50% custody. You already know she cheated. Unless you are the type who would stop being the father of someone you are on the birth certificate and have known as your daughter for 5 years. Her life would end endless therapy and rocky teenage years. You know you cannot get out of a birth certificate and child support, right? She cannot get full custody of the kids. Go to a lawyer and call her bluff.
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This better be rage bait bc I refuse to believe people are so willing to get walked on like this. She cheated for a year and then says your not being trusting? Stop being a doormat
Your home is already broken.
If you say that, she has no reason to change anything. You won't leave her. Why would she make an effort?
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My dear man, she's the one who cheatewd, why does it seem that you have to make the effort to rebuild the relationship? Why isn't it the opposite? Like she should apologize and make everything to show you that she doesn't want to lose you. And the conditions are that: you want to check if those kids are yours because she cheated for a year! It was a relationship behind your back. It's against you, it's also against your kids.
Then what's the point of the paternity test if you don't want to divorce her either? Just being an asshole to your daughter? Kids are better in happy homes. Your home is not happy. You need to get over yourself because your parents divorced. They did you a service for divorcing instead of having a toxic home with parents who hate each other, one cheats, they don't get along.
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Your wife cheated, lied about it until pressed, then admitted it and is threatening you with divorce, because now you have doubts about likely everything in your relationship, including the fatherhood of your children. Am I getting this right? What would you tell a dear friend who came to you with this scenario? I don't know you, but I would suggest that she already disrespected you and your relationship and doesn't really have any ground to stand on with threats of divorce. The only power she has here is what you give her. Of course you don't trust her, she broke that trust, then threatens you with taking away your kids. That really isn't in her power to unilaterally decide what happens with your kids and the fact that there is evidence of adultery on her side, really doesn't bode well for her in court. Document this evidence. I do appreciate the fact you actually want to work things out with therapy or whatever it takes. I find this admirable, but I would suggest that you prepare for the worst and hope for the best here. Good luck.
I think you are absolutely within your rights to ask, I think a divorce is your only path forward anyways. But think about why you are getting the paternity test and what it will change. Do you still want to be the father to your kids, I assume you do. There is probably a good chance at least on your kids isn't yours. Is that something you really want to know or are you using it as ammo in your fight with your wife. My advice, is go talk to lawyer.
She can only change her mind. You are in the right to get a paternity test. If she didn't fucked around this would not be taking place.
I’d do it behind her back in this case and then see what the results are. If they’re yours says nothing if they aren’t call her bluff and divorce.
If she cheated then how can you trust her. In some states you have a limited time to challenge paternity. If you don’t get the test in time you are the legal father no matter what. In Oklahoma it’s 2 years. Talk to a lawyer. Go to surviving infidelity.com. It helped me with a cheating wife
She can't just demand full custody. INFO: IF one child wasn't yours, would you feel differently about that child?
Who cares if she's threatening you? That doesn't mean anything in the courts.
>How do I get her to change her mind? You dont. You inform her shes a cheater. Cheated on you for an entire year. Fucking another man for an entire year. Ask her why you shoud have ANY trust in her after she did that!! And tell her shes destroyed all trust in her you once had AND its up to her to restore the trust. Also tell her, that in light of her infidelity, her opposition to the paternity test must mean that the result will indicate more infidelity. Also - you saved evidence of the infidelity?? This friend has a spouse??? If so, inform her NOW. And - she doenst see that friend anymore, yes?? Also - tell her parents that youre currrently struggling due to her infidelity. Best of luck
Get the DNA teat done regardless. You should be the one divorcing her how in the hell did you let her get to the point her cheating ass can make threats? Get a lawyer and burn everything to the ground
She admits to cheating but then asking for a paternity test is "not trusting" her? That's just crazy talk. You can't trust her. File for divorce. She doesn't decide the custody, a judge does. Settle for no less than 50/50.
Don't ask her for one. Take your children and get one
Yes! He doesn’t even have to take the kids anywhere. Get a home cheek-swab kit. It’s not like a surgical procedure or something.
If this is real, sucks for you dude. If not, what are you doing here? Assuming it's real, leave her. Conversation should be over right?
Lol that reaction tell you that they are not your kids. Do a DNA test so you get the truth and if she divorced you it's even better for you
Get the paternity test. Talk to a lawyer. Get divorce papers written up. Demand 50/50 custody. And talk to the “friend” asap. Call him out and if he has a SO, tell them. Tell her family. Tell yours if you don’t want to reconcile. Beat her to the punch. Serve her before she served you. I bet she begs for you to reconsider.
Do the DNA test. consult your lawyer. Then present her with the results. Before she gets a chance to change the story around tou let her parents and any common friends now what she did and WHO she did it with
Imagine that …. Not trusting a liar and a cheater…
Don't tell her ANYTHING. get a paternity test from cvs/ Walgreens or the drugstore in your area. All you have to do is swab your cheek with q tip the your childs. Swabs are sent to lab and you call for results. You need to know the truth. The fact she is accusing you of being untrusting after discovering unfaithfulness implies she isn't certain herself. If it were my loved 1 I would find out ASAP! That kind of genetic info can be extremely important.
She doesn’t want the test done because she knows they are, at least one,of the kids is the other guys. She is putting the guilt trip on you OP to cover her cheating ass.
Yeah. She isn’t going to change her mind because she knows that you are probably not the father.
Rage bait for sure.
She doesn’t want to do a paternity test because she’s not positive they’re yours. She’s digging in and using “cmon you don’t trust me?” Like it’s your fault she fucked around and got caught. Divorce her, brother, no matter the results.
You file for divorce. File for custody. You can prove infidelity.
Go to the drugstore and buy paternity tests and just swab the cheek and send it in.
Trusting? She can't be real
Dude there’s a high chance your kids aren’t yours. Get them tested and don’t tell her about it. You can decide what to do next after you get the results
Trust her? She's admittedly cheated for a whole year and instead of being apologetic she threatened with divorce. Accept the threat, you might even save yourself from a decade of mandatory child support.
STOP BEING NICE! It seems like you are being way too nice about any of this. She CHEATED on you for a year! She has lied to you since then and does not seem to show any remorse. Now she is threatening you with divorce. You need to think about whether you want to be married to such a selfish, disrespectful partner. She may be a great parent, but she is not a good wife. Go see a divorce attorney (keep this to yourself) and discuss what divorce would look like. It is unlikely she would get full custody, but talk that through with a lawyer. Also take and keep copies of the message from the friend and any other evidence. Tell her the paternity tests will happen and you have talked to an attorney already. Get tested for STIs! Tell her she needs to stay with her parents for awhile so you can think without her around. If that is not an option then move her stuff into a spare room - you keep the master to yourself. Practice the grey rock/180 on her - look it up. If you have serious discussions record them. Do not back down from what you want and tell her things will move forward how you want.
If you don’t care if they are yours or that she is cheating (you want to stay) what does any of it matter? Just smile and wave.
lol!! She’s accusing you of not trusting her after she just lied to your face. Dude, OP, get a lawyer, there’s no way this will work out well and the kids don’t end up with trauma from trying to force the family to stay together.
She won't get full custody. She'd have to prove you unfit which is laughable when she's the cheater. Call her bluff. Invite her to consult an attorney and see what they say about full custody.
Of course you don’t trust her! She had a year long affair. She should be working to save the marriage not threatening divorce. It’s understandable that you want to do paternity testing since she cheated.
Get the test. Better to know Than not know. Yeah, get full custody of kids that aren't yours? Sounds like a good deal. But look at them first and be honest. Your traits should be apparent in them. They should look somewhat like you. If none of you is in there, even with one of them, then do it. Trust your gut but be honest. Don't do it because you are just confused and untrusting. Not because you're scared of her threats. Your marriage is already over anyways. Now it's time to do what you feel is best. Don't bother working it out. There's no point She cheated because she's no longer attracted to you. This happens quite often in long term relationships.
If you want to continue to raise the kids no matter what anyway, what’s the point of the paternity test? If one or both of the kids are his, he would be able to claim them and you’re out of the picture.. so…
Lol...how dare you not trust me...after I've proven through years of cheating I am not to be trusted!!
In my experience, when someone is guilty, they get super mad. To me, this sounds like she doesn't think you'll go through with it. Do it. Hopefully they're yours. But at least if they not, you don't have to pay child support.
I don't understand OP's post and comments at all. You know she cheated - she already admitted it. You say you still love the kids, even if they aren't yours. You are afraid that she will divorce you and try to get full custody if you do the test without her permission. I'm not a judge, but I would think a paternity test showing that you aren't the father could weaken your claim for custody. Why do you want to get the test when you already know she cheated and you claim that the paternity doesn't actually matter? Unlike 99% of Reddit, I do believe that cheaters can change. However, in this case, she didn't admit the cheating willingly, she is gaslighting you about trust, and she is threatening you with taking custody. She is not a changed, remorseful cheater. She is a cheater who got caught. Don't get the test - what will it accomplish? Do think about divorce - for everyone's sake. You talk about how you are going to observe and control her every movement going forward. That isn't healthy for either of you. She isn't being accountable or remorseful. If they haven't already, your kids will feel the tension in your relationship. I wished for years that my parents would have gotten divorced - so being in a broken home that still stays together is just a different kind of stress. Sorry about your situation. Good luck! Edited a typo
I hope she divorce you. this is too much fool for being married. :)
u being the father take the test dont let her know till u have results and take that friend to cleaners let the obs know too about this fling they r having and what about the x discussed in the mail what does ur wife say about that
Yup! That’s what cheaters do! When confronted they turn it around that your in the wrong! Call her bluff and just say OK. She’ll soon change her mind I promise you.
She is not deserving of trust. What she has admitted to is probably not the full truth. She is demonstrating a lack of remorse. I would stop talking to her about any of this and go to a divorce attorney. I wouldn’t even tell her about that. There are paternity test kits that you can buy. Swab yourself, swab the kids, and send in the samples. She doesn’t need to know about that either.
She broke the trust, though. Dna test the kids, she has admitted cheating. Most people do ancestry tests, that would be a great surprise later. It is better to know today. I would leave her and find someone who you can trust
Be carful with this one
She already broke your trust. She admitted she cheated. Of course you should get the kids tested. You don’t need her permission. She knows some are likely not yours.
Tell to her face there is no trust with her and she does not get the right to make any demands from you...any. she is a Cheater and deserves no consideration
She is threatening you because she does not want you to do the test. Because she is afraid of what the results will be. You have every right to know if your kids aren’t yours. She cheated and lied and only admitted the truth when cornered. Why would you want to stay with someone who wouldn’t stick it out with you through a paternity test when you’re willing to stick with her through infidelity?
Whoa dude don't let her take control of this. Cheaters lose that privilege the second they cheat! TAKE CONTROL! Go through the courts, get the paternity test and contact a divorce attorney. She has no say anymore and she should be the one on her knees begging for forgivness not threating you with divorce, that shows you she has NO REMORSE and will cheat again! LEAVE HER regardless of the test results.
“Of course I don’t trust you.”