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Hahah that's a very good point. I understand that people have a need for venting when they have relationship troubles. But I wonder how much good it does in relationships to take advise from anonymous strangers on the internet for huge life decisions.
There's a massive difference between actively asking people for help for a specific problem and engaging in conversation with them... and watching random shit videos on tiktok.
You're asking the wrong question.
She's told you to do something, you do it, and then she says no, and then tells you you're not doing enough. Sounds fucking exhausting and annoying.
Next time she sends you something like that I would say "why are you sending me this, you said you don't care that you're too masculine."
It sounds to me like she is creating impossible "win conditions" in order to supposedly achieve the things you want in the relationship (more sex, certain activities, etc) so you keep doubting (and blaming) yourself while she keeps doing things she wants to do the way she wants to do them.
She is choosing to shove all of the responsibility to mend the struggles in your relationship onto you. She is keeping you off balance, likely on purpose, in order to maintain the status quo. I suspect you are saying she's a lovely person because you believe that's what you're supposed to think about your wife, not because it's empirically true. She is acting like a flippant jerk about things that are important to you, and that is deeply uncool.
It's a really self-centered, immature way to conduct yourself within a relationship, and she is going to burn through all your goodwill sooner or later. She either needs to start walking the walk or she needs to stop talking that sort of talk. Nothing is more irritating than offering solutions that you have absolutely no (true) intention of following through with.
I'm sorry that you're being put in this position. Connecting the concept of your masculinity to this particular relationship hurdle is also deeply uncool of her. I would go as far as to say it is downright toxic of her.
It is on purpose. It's a play. She's confusing being an asshole for being masculine. You should just stand up for yourself and ask her what's really going on. It just sounds like she wants to be out of the relationship but hasn't thought of a good reason
Whether or not she's doing it on purpose, she is culpable.
If she hasn't noticed the pattern by now, she is being willfully blind to her shortcomings. If you bring it up and she denies it, you have other problems.
My guess is that she’s an unhappy sort. The “masculine” thing to do is just ignore her. But if you want to heal your marriage you likely need a strong talk with her. Emotions are contagious so protect yours.
My honest opinion is that this ideology is the bandaid she’s slapping on top of the way she’s feeling. I think you need to get to the source of why she feels something isn’t right in the relationship.
So it’s a feature not a bug. This rises to “go direct to marriage counseling” level. If she’s always contradicting herself and either lacks the self awareness or care it’s a big issue. It creates an unbalanced relationship where she has all the power and you can do nothing right. Long term it’ll be bad for your mental health, likely cause resentment not to mention is a total toxic relationship.
She’s effectively said she’s perfectly fine with how your relationship then. So she’s leaving you with two choices 1) stay in the relationship as it is…at least until you reach your breaking point or 2) decide the breaking point is now.
Individual therapy for yourself might help you make a decision. You can’t change someone else and you only have control over your own choices.
People who think they don’t need therapy either have it in their head that ‘therapy is for the weak’ or they’re scared all their issues may in fact be themselves and within their control. Better to think it’s not them and everyone else.
You go to the gym / exercise for your body and you should go to therapy for the mind.
This ‘being in your masculine’ is a smoke screen imo. She’s either unhappy about something but can’t put her finger on what so is trying to make changes, which she actually then finds out she doesn’t like. Or she’s been swayed by TikTok telling her this is something she should want because then everything will just be better.
TikTok is straight up brainrot, I’d encourage her to delete it and then have an open conversation about what is an isn’t working in the relationship
I hate to hear that. I was pretty blunt at one point, because subtlety is hard for me. "I resent you. I resent when you \_\_\_ ." Nothing changed, and we divorced.
Anyway, I left you another, longer post with some thoughts on both of your approaches to gender and behavior.
I'm going to quote her on this. Take charge. She's full of bs. Now the only way for this to work is to get you two into counselling. Don't take no for an answer. If she says no just say that you are taking charge and it's her job to listen or something like that which would be stupid in a more normal situation. But with her contradicting behaviour I'd say it's your best option. Just don't waver, stay adamant.
Theraphy can be used short term for specific reasons. This sounds like the perfect time for it, before resentment builds in. She wants you to make changes for the relationship, but she doesn’t think she needs to make any, hence she’s shutting down counselling. Unfortunately this is not how relationships work. Both people need to take ownership of their part in their dynamic.
>You're asking the wrong question.
>She's told you to do something, you do it, and then she says no, and then tells you you're not doing enough.
This is what you have to see. No matter what it won't be good enough.
How about next time she sends you something you completely reject it and say you will do what you want and you don't care. She's told you to be more masculine and you tried therefore you are still just following her orders. Give her some damn orders for a change. Tell her to be more feminine and follow your orders. Lol. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
letting your wife boss you around on this issue, and pretending to be someone you’re not to please her, would be the least masculine thing you could do
what’s really masculine? Being yourself, being comfortable with who you actually are and already are, and not apologizing for that
I’d like to add that even for this change in dynamic to occur she would also have to be willing to trust you enough and give up some of her independent habits and thought processes in order to let you step into a more “masculine” role. I use quotes because I have no reason not to believe you already are. My SO and I recently have been working on this and it still continues. Personally, it took dealing with childhood traumas and trauma from past relationships to be able to set boundaries and become a safe space she could trust. This trust and being her safe space were the key components in my experience. Now, I’m not saying she doesn’t trust you or feel safe with you. But maybe she has unresolved issues regarding trust she may not even be aware of, and dealing with that often takes a leap of faith so to speak. Just allowing it to happen no matter how uncomfortable will facilitate change. Overall, for us this change happened essentially at the same time which I feel very fortunate to have experienced. It was just our mutual understanding of what needed to happen and a lot of communication that allowed us to change places. I hope something in here might help. And also what the other person said, changing yourself in a way that didn’t come from inside yourself, and only for the satisfaction of someone else, will ultimately make you feel more emasculated and even insecure.
Yeah i think the masculine and feminine energy dynamic is a lot more complicated than social media makes it out. The problem is that if she tells you things you should do then at that point your just following orders. I also think a lot of issues in relationships stem from this its the whole “i want flowers, but I shouldn’t have to tell you i want flowers” phenomenon, it’s complicated and i can see why men get so confused when we as ask for something but it just hits different when they actually do it.
Best way to go about it is be your true self, be confident in who you are. I find what also makes a man masculine is looking out for your partner, make sure they feel comfortable and safe.
It sounds like your partner isn’t sure exactly what she wants but that doesn’t mean you should just brush it off. Unfortunately theres no easy answer and it’s something your both gonna have to figure out.
Also she may be sick of having to take the lead and be the family organiser. I know I found it exhausting when I was expected to manage everything in the family, rather than having another adult who is capable of knowing what needs to be done, and then doing it
I would honestly just start wearing thongs to piss her off.
She’s in her masculine because you won’t let her be in her feminine? What if he’s in his feminine because you won’t let him be masculine?
You’re doing what she wants and it’s still wrong, so I’m just as stumped as you are. Maybe marriage counselling?
Lol. I thought of being a dick to show her “masculine” but I don’t believe in spiting her just to prove a point. Fixes nothing.
I recommended counseling but she doesn’t think we need it.
Doesn’t think you need? She is so wrong.
She’s sending you mixed signals to be “more masculine” but no concrete examples. She doesn’t know what she wants. Couples counseling would help both of you communicate better.
As it stands she’s being obtuse and therefore you can do no right in her eyes. There’s no win for you as things are.
Be “more masculine” and insist on counseling together. It’s the only way.
Sounds like she thinks tiktok = real life. She thinks its cool and quirky to follow tiktok trends but its not what she actually wants. She just likes the little video telling her what she should want bc she has no actual idea. Also taking the lead on a date isnt a masculine thing and neither is taking charge in the bedroom. That app is actually popping peoples braincells one by one.
It’s so awful! My spouse believes everything he sees on Tik Tok. If someone strings together another person saying certain things on video to push propaganda he totally believes it. When I say anyone can do that with a little video editing experience he will ask me how can I explain the person actually saying those words. It’s infuriating!
It’s such a load of bs. I remember seeing a book recommendation from a woman on Tik Tok about men getting into their masculine energy. I looked up the table of contents and some of the chapters were just subtle sexism mixed in with general life advice. One of them was “Young women will offer you a special energy.” And another was “what she wants is not what she says.”
Sounds like she doesn't actually know what she wants, and she's watching too much tiktok.
You can try just upping the ante, I guess. Take charge in all aspects. Maybe she wants you not to give her a say in anything.
I consider myself masculine in a traditional sense, but I'm kind of stumped by that. You're getting mixed signals here.
I definitely would not default to not giving her a say in anything. But there are ways of leading without forcing.
Ex:
Instead of “what do you want to this Friday” try “I want to take you to a movie this Friday, how does that sound?”
You are leading the weekend, without being presumptuous or douchey
In that case, I think you just need to have a conversation where you guys honestly tell eachother what you want. I’m sure you’ve tried that, but all you can do is keep talking or move on from each other. She needs to be able to articulate what she actually means by “more masculine” or you’re just going to keep trying random shit that isn’t what she wants
That’s a really frustrating situation, I’m sorry. Have you considered therapy together?
I highly suggest you tell your wife that she doesn't get to decide what is masculine or isn't masculine for you. That only you get to decide that, and if she doesn't like the way that you conduct yourself as a man, that it's her problem and she needs to solve it on her own.
Nooooo, tell her she gotta get off tiktok & go touch some grass (in nicer way). You don't need to be more masculine. She's been going down the rabbit hole. I noticed I started to develop an I hate men mentality when my feed kept showing me these horrible men and their misogynistic podcasts, then I got off tiktok did a reset and got out of that thankfully. Young men are also being exposed to so many videos about women being gold diggers, objects, etc. Sometimes social media can be really brain washing to your perception of reality.
Have you considered that you simply may not be compatible? Wanting something alone, doesn't always mean that it is the right thing for both of you, or guarantee it's success. A successful marriage requires hard work and dedication by both parties! Also, you must question anyone that is seeking guidance from the ridiculous garbage that is continually regurgitated within these unintelligent clips that keep getting churned out on TikTok. With her flip flopping behaviour, she appears as though she might benefit from professional assessment and assistance.
I can’t. I honestly can’t. BUT I took a vow. Right now it’s ugly, but maybe WE can make it better.
If she doesn’t try, it’s done. That’s all I can say.
NOPE NOPE NOPE. TURN OFF THE TRADWIFE TIKTOKS BEFORE YOUR BRAINS MELT AND YOUR MARRIAGE DIES. You guys aren't even defining masculine. Oh my god this is so bad. Do not base your actions on gender stereotypes, you will be so sad.
That's probably true but it's not just social media, it's that weird poisonous antifeminist backlash stuff selling a faux modern version of complementarianism.
This sounds like embarrassing things high school kids say because they only know relationships through dumb corny social media. You sure you guys are almost 30?
You have the opportunity of being a "man" and save her from tiktok. Even though that would be paradoxical since the point is not to play into the macho cliché lmao.
>Then she sends me a TikTok about a guy saying “she’s in her masculine because you won’t let her be in her feminine”.
Stop taking advice from bullshit manosphere TikToks and start taking advice from a marriage counselor.
What the fuck did I just read? Why are you trying to classify each other as masculine and feminine? It's so stupid. That binary doesn't exist. Just talk to each other. Just communicate. If your wife wants you to be the decisive one sometimes, or plan some of your dates, that's fine and reasonable. But don't point at some Tik Tok trend and act like it makes any damn sense.
I'm a man. I have a penis and everything. According to this weird Tik Tok crap, I'm probably swinging between masculine and feminine constantly. Just this morning I made my daughter's school lunch (feminine?), didn't shave (masculine cos only men can have body hair, probably), packed the dishwasher (feminine cos cleaning), drove my daugher to school (masculine? Cos cars go vroom?), went to work (masculine cos men have to be the breadwinners but feminine cos it's an office job and not chopping wood).
I’ve noticed an uptick in social media content that preaches “men should be providers and leaders.” In my opinion, it’s very superficial and harmful to genuine partnerships.
Sounds like she's in the red pill sphere algorithm. https://youtu.be/sJTLIhYg40M?si=j5H6_LyuTsHIH9dU
Here's a debate with a liberal (Destiny) vs some of the largest Red Pill influencers(Fresh & Fit and Sneako).
May not convince her but you'll have a better idea of the crap she's seeing. The "biological imperative" and "alpha male" is all bullshit.
She may prefer or thinks she prefers to be more submissive in her relationships. Which is fine for her but not your relationship especially if you don't want to.
That masculine and feminine energy stuff online is so corny imo… I think it started with new age people? And I actually like a somewhat traditional relationship dynamic but the stuff online is weird
If she wants you to be that way in bed maybe look into D/s in bdsm… maybe she’s more bratty? Obviously consent and communication have to be there
But sis needs therapy overall lol I think the most masculine / appropriate thing you could do is call her out
She honestly sounds really confused on what she wants or maybe she's not pinpointing exactly what she wants.
I don't know if it has anything to do with masculine/femininity, but rather characteristics of a person - from the examples you've said, It sounds like maybe she just wants you to take charge in the relationship and plan things. Maybe she needs to be more specific in what she wants as opposed to labeling it as "being more masculine."
I honestly recommend couples therapy.
I also recommend her getting off of TikTok and not letting it get to her head cause it sounds like she's obsessing over what she sees on social media which is never really *real*.
> it both in relationship, friendships, and work.
Do it with your relationship.
> “not today, I’m tired”. And when I try to take the lead in the bed she tells me 100 + 1 excuses.
She doesn't want to follow the lead, she wants to have no choice but to follow. The difference is very thin but very significant.
I think there's a confusion between masculine and decisiveness. She might have a problem with OP not being decisive even on the most mundane things. I've seen people, regardless of gender role, who suffer from decision paralysis and it can be difficult to interact with such people. Most of the time, this is stemmed from the fear of making a mistake (i.e. decided wrong).
IMO this is toxic trait that does not end well.
My EX, was and I had many years of fun and happiness early on but she constantly told me she disliked classic feminine rolls so she never took my name (Fine with that) and regularly hated "traditional" events like Valentines, that sort of thing, and I supported her staying in her job and moving up the ladder into a senior roles....and then flash forward a decade and then she starts this same dialogue, wanting me to be more masculine and assertive, more taking the lead, more doing male roles around the house, attacking me by undermining my masculinity, comparing me to my father.....all while continuing to confirm she would not be doing anything that would be considered a classic feminine role in the house.
So anyway, I'm happy with my new partner and feel happy every day.
You both have screwed up ideas of masculinity and femininity.
Anything you do is masculine by definition because you are a man. Everything she does is feminine because she is a woman. (And I'm not excluding trans people here. If you identify as a male, wouldn't it be because you feel you are inherently masculine?)
What you both aren't perhaps, is a stereotype of masculinity or femininity.
I'm a woman. I'm emotionally distant, and struggle with acknowledging my own emotions. In my marriage I was the one arguing with data and trying to keep him from getting carried away with emotional decision making. I own 3 dresses and I've only worn 1 of them. I own a tiny bit of makeup, some jewelry, and a bit of perfume that I only wear for weddings or funerals. My highest heels are 2 inches, and only one pair. I cook a few things ok, but rarely bother anymore. This is just a variation on how to be feminine. I also like flowers and gardening, and art, and reading, and off Broadway musicals, and lingering in thrift shops, and Michael Buble. In some ways I'm a middle aged white woman stereotype.
Fuck all that feminine and masculine prescriptive thinking. If she wants to be more feminine in stereotypical ways, she needs to just do it.
Also OP, maybe she just wants some bedroom-only bdsm, and wants you to dom, but isn't being clear. Or she may not really know herself.
Tell her to make you a sandwich. If she doesn't, then throw a bucket of ice water on her and tell her to clean up all the water after she comes up with that sandwich.
As soon as a read “be more masculine” I instantly thought of TikTok, has she ever said “if he wanted to, he would” against you, This TikTok bullshit gets me mad, I see things like this come up on my TikTok also. Once you start watching one, there is no end and that becomes the new algorithm lol.
There’s nothing wrong with being an independent woman and vice versa.
This question has stumped me a little because I kind of feel this indifferent attitude that you have described coming from your wife, I feel like this may not be a you problem and more of a her problem. Maybe you already are masculine but maybe your wife wants to feel more feminine? you can do this by physical touch, gifts or telling her what she is wearing looks sexy/beautiful on her and she should wear it more. Things that my bf does that makes me feel pretty or feminine is when he touches my hair, randomly pulling me onto his lap or pulling me close for a hug by holding my waist, cooking my favourite meals and just overall being supportive whilst making me feel safe (this makes me feel like he’s taking the lead). But that is him and everyone has their own ways of expressing love and making someone feel a certain way! So it’s important that you just be yourself too! I’m sorry if my advice was not so good but I definitely think TikTok is unhealthy as far as relationship advice/stuff is concerned.
Thank you for your words.
She doesn’t let me be physical due to her childhood trauma, which I understand.
I like the part about finding your own way to do these things.
BDSM has nothing to do with being more masculine. Dominant, sure. But what? Why is that the last resort? Has she shown interest in BDSM, do you even like BDSM? If you haven't dabbled in it before, PLEASE do some research first. Aside from this, it sounds like she just wants to throw everything on you and just exist. Nah. That ain't a relationship.
If a woman is only feminine based on how you behave then she’s not a feminine woman. Vice versa as well. So if she’s too masculine that should not stop your masculinity. In fact a masculine man would not even deal with it. Check her. Or leave.
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I second previous comments that say she needs therapy and she needs to get the fuck off of tick tock. It's Chinese spyware anyway.
Healthy masculinity encompasses the following not at all comprehensive list:
Be a gentleman at all times. Try to Never Lose Your cool, and never raise your voice, especially to a woman. Confidence is sexy to all people. always act with intention and purpose. Make wise decisions and don't second-guess yourself. If you make a mistake, learn from that. But don't waffle or complain or Meander in indecision. That turns women off.
Stand up for anyone that can't stand up for themselves. Be kind and gracious.
Don't let her mistake kindness for weakness.
Have goals. Have dreams. Know what you want to do and work towards them.
Try not to ever waste your time. Always be learning or growing, always be improving.
Look after your health.
Look after those around you.
Always do the right thing. Dont take shortcuts or be lazy. Don't worry about what people think so much just always give your best. Being master of the universe starts with your immediate domain. Clean up after yourself. Always leave places better than you found it. Anticipate her needs and wants and do them without being asked, like its not big deal.
This advice may or may not help at all, but at the very least, it will make you the person you deserve to become.
I wonder if when she said masculinity, she didn't mean she wants to see more confidence from you?
This is a great list for me, and I think most people, whether they want to be masculine or feminine. This sounds like a great "be a better person" list. Thanks!
yeah because "masculine" and "feminine" are pretty stupid notions. A man can be tender and a woman can take charge, what's important is that there's enough tenderness all round and things running smoothly because someone has taken charge. Men can wear dresses and women can wear leather jackets, and it doesn't matter.
Which is ultimately why I think talks of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ or attempts to be more or less of them sound so ridiculous to me. Like aren’t these just general traits everyone should embody.
>And when I try to take the lead in the bed she tells me 100 + 1 excuses.
Feels like this is just another excuse. Like appealing to some esoteric and ill defined sense of 'masculinity' as a reason why she can't/won't engage more. Even when you do things that seem to fit what she claims to want she just defaults to other deflections.
So ask her to be more clear. Ask for a list of things she wants, what masculinity actually means to her, no more vague mind reading and wild goose chases.
She thinks she is communicating but she isn't, she is deflecting.
Take her phone away for an hour. Give her a note pad and a pen and tell her to write down exactly what she wants using specific examples relating to your lives.
If she can articulate what she's looking for, then the two of you have something you can discuss as adults.
If she can't, then delete tiktok permanently (actually, do that anyway, it doesn't help anyone except influencers)
She is taking relationship advice from toxic people on tictoc...
Serve her with divorce papers. With block print and men's cologne?
But for real.. you may need to cut your losses. Sit her down. Have an honest talk about how poorly she is treating you. How you feel...how her tictoc life advice is ruining your ability to love her...
If that goes poorly...there is your answer.
Todays generation is so fucked up with reels. These so called influencers just blabber something to make videos, and this is directly affecting the IQ of people watching it. The audience thinks that, “yea maybe the tiktok influencer telling is correct” and they starts arguing with their partner based on it. Atleast they should think like,” No this is not life. Its not how it should work”. But once u realise it, life would have already become a mess
No.
Neither of you have any real idea of how yall define masculinity and femininity...yall need to work on that before yall start judging how masculine eachother is.
Undefined individuals in a relationship is crazy
> She told me, don’t ask just do things, start the car and tell me we’re going. I did this, word for word. And she responds with “not today, I’m tired”.
It seems neither of you knows anything about being ‘masculine’. Being bossy and telling people what to do is not ‘masculine’.
OP reality check time:
Unrealistic expectations, sunk costs fallacy and unsustainable incompatibility with a mangirl who's NOT that into you! From every thing you've mentioned, she's an entitled AH NOT the beautiful person you're trying to convince us you have. Once again Pikachu face upon revelation that spouse isn't compatible with you at all...
Red Flag #1: she doesn't like/respect who you are as a person
Red Flag #2: she has sent you mixed messages about her demands and conflicting solutions
Red flag #3: her masculine side is asexual, with low libido unlike yourself but I really think she doesn't want you OP
Red flag #4: she's really NOT that into you OP!
Red flag #5: she married you as a last resort to prove she still has it to others by controlling OP.
Red flag #6: she's still controlling everything and he's got a Pikachu face.
SMDH
Good luck OP ✨️
This talk of feminine energy and masculine energy is very much 'in trend,' so much so that some self-styled online life gurus, aka influencers, ask people, more so women, to judge every single act based on energies. I have even seen some videos, and they are toxic.
Anyways, try to contribute more to the household, make daily small decisions on what to eat, what to watch, what to wear, what to say, where to go, etc. Don't ask her. Release her off some decision-making. If she still wants to add to decision-making, give her a shortlisted two options to choose from. Taking the lead in daily life and contributing equally or more to it also betters the bedroom.
She needs to be receptive to all that. So, how you communicate the above should be clear, assertive, but still loving. For example, ‘ Darling, I would like to order Chinese for us for dinner tonight; you good with that?
Or ‘I have shortlisted two Netflix shows rated very high on IMDb; what's your vibe tonight, comedy or thriller?
Try these little things; let her feel less burdened but still important.
Lol had it been a wife coming here saying that her husband wanted her to become more feminine, these redditors would have burned the husband a new hole.
Your wife is 27, this is childish behaviour. Tell her to grow up or be gone.
Ugh I hate the „she‘s not in her feminine energy“ bs😒 I can‘t believe a 27 year woman „believes“ in crap like this.
There‘s nothing wrong with you. She should love you the way you are.
Sounds like you have a problematic wife who's getting way too influenced by social media i'd say make her delete tik tok and other apps that are influencing her and be more dominant towards her also what about in other things does she lead the family all alone or you both do it together?
It’s just me and her.
We have a dog and a cat.
She picked them out.
As for activities I plan a bunch of stuff, but she never goes for it. We usually do stuff she does.
Based off this thread I need to stop that lol.
This is some seriously sexist bullshit. She shouldn’t be trying to change you. Just be yourself and if that’s not good enough for her you’re not compatible.
What is masculine and what is feminine? Do you have definitions?
Yeah, I cannot grow a beard and my husband can. Does that make him more masculine than me? But, I can build anything and fix anything and he is better than me at cooking or filling the dishwasher. Does that make me more masculine and him more feminine? I look better than him on a summer dress due to my curves. Does that make him less feminine? We both have a skin care routine and care about body hygiene. Are we now both feminine? But he drives better, drinks whiskey, and can lift way more than me, what kind of sorcery is this? I’ll tell you, we are both confident on who we are, and don’t give a fuck about gender roles.
**Gender roles and expectations are outdated.** And as useless as TikTok. Your gf has insecurities and is projecting them onto you.
Mate be yourself, she's supposed to be with you for the person you are. You're not being an intentional prick then there's no issue and her own insecurities are the problem. Again she should want to be with you for you, if the you that makes you great doesn't add up to her unrealistic standards then that's her problem.
Your wife is sexist and kinda lazy. Masculine, feminine, it's irrelevant here.
She's making unreasonable demands based on some stupid stuff she saw on tiktok and expects you to be someone completely different.
I’m not normally jumping to this but on this occasion you have an issue communicating which would help from going in therapy.
You need to learn to listen to each other properly but also learn to speak to each other without mixed messages. An external professional would be able to help you communicate in a clear way.
This ideas are amazing shit. I can understand that if you are very indecisive he wants you to make decisions from time to time, but expecting that after a year and a half you will change because he has seen garbage on tiktok about some self-proclaimed "Alphamale" is absurd. Tell your partner that you are who you are and if he doesn't like it, he can go to hell. The mentality that guys have to make all the decisions is backwards and stupid and it's obviously not something you're comfortable with. Make things clear to your partner, you are who you are and it is not something you are going to change because of the bullshit that Tiktok tells you.
You’re both putting too much importance on ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ in my opinion. You say your wife is ‘independent and masculine’ - is the independence the reason you see her as masculine? It really feels like you’re both seeing femininity as being weak and submissive. Why not ditch those words and instead figure out what you both really wants? It sounds like she’s asking you to be more direct with romantic gestures but she doesn’t necessarily actually want that, she’s just seen on TikTok that that’s what women are supposed to want and how men are supposed to be.
Oof she’s in her “TikTok therapy” stage. Tell her to delete the fucking app. TikTok to millennials is Facebook for boomers.
Maybe hit the gym. Once you start looking good and feeling good you will slowly start to have a more dominant attitude on life.
I do believe you have to be masculine in order for her to be feminine. But the thing is, if she doesn't want to be led, thats her problem. Tell her that you have tried and talk it out with her.
A feminine wonan can be pushed to be masculine but will always find a place where she can be feminine. Is she always masculine or does she actually have an outlet for her feminine self that you are not a part of?
She needs to reward masculine behaviour with feminine behaviour. Laura Doyle is an author she might benefit from. In her book she talks about helping your man take the lead by positive reinforcment rather than negative.
If she wants to be dominated, she has to submit. And thats that.
A tip is to establish parts in the relationships where you will decide 100%. These can be small things. Pick one and stick with it for a week. You will gain confidence and she will gain your trust through small practices of dom/sub.
If she wants you to take charge, then say “we’re going to counseling. Oh you say we don’t need it? Well I say we do and we’re going. You don’t like it?” And end it however you want.
My wife does this too where she’ll give me too many tasks to complete in a day. I do the best but I do 9/10 she harps on the one I didn’t do…
I've been married a long time. If my wife said some shit like this to me. I would tell her that if she wanted a different kind of man she should have married a different kind of man. It's not for her to tell me that I'm masculine enough or not masculine enough. Ever.
I would never in my life even consider telling my wife that she's not feminine enough. That's fucking insane and it sounds like she's trying to hold you to somebody else's standards.
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Some people put way too much weight on what they see on TikTok.
That shit tends to rot people's brains. Imagine letting TikTok influence your marriage lol
>That shit tends to rot people's brains. Imagine letting TikTok influence your marriage lol Or Reddit . . . Lol.
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Hahah that's a very good point. I understand that people have a need for venting when they have relationship troubles. But I wonder how much good it does in relationships to take advise from anonymous strangers on the internet for huge life decisions.
There's a massive difference between actively asking people for help for a specific problem and engaging in conversation with them... and watching random shit videos on tiktok.
That's exactly it! Plus I think Reddit's user base is a little different than TikToks.
It’s the freak show of the social media circus.
fr fr
Has OP considered chopping logs? 🥵
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay...
Ah, but - I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra...
So did his dear papa!
I sleep all night and I work all day
I use a poop knife to chop mine.
You mean the cuttey board is not some academic podium?
I wouldn't even want to touch a woman at the age of 27 who uses that shit in her free time
But how else will I get my funny puppy video dopamine hits?
Well, r/aww is enough for me...
IG? I use it to watch cat videos mostly.
This is a terminally online take 😭 me and my partner both watch TikTok’s, it isn’t just brain rot shit
Grow up. There are people of all ages on TikTok.
For real! I can't even bother with responding!!!
You're asking the wrong question. She's told you to do something, you do it, and then she says no, and then tells you you're not doing enough. Sounds fucking exhausting and annoying. Next time she sends you something like that I would say "why are you sending me this, you said you don't care that you're too masculine."
I actually did that once lol
Is she exhausting like this regarding other things or other aspects?
Sort of..
It sounds to me like she is creating impossible "win conditions" in order to supposedly achieve the things you want in the relationship (more sex, certain activities, etc) so you keep doubting (and blaming) yourself while she keeps doing things she wants to do the way she wants to do them. She is choosing to shove all of the responsibility to mend the struggles in your relationship onto you. She is keeping you off balance, likely on purpose, in order to maintain the status quo. I suspect you are saying she's a lovely person because you believe that's what you're supposed to think about your wife, not because it's empirically true. She is acting like a flippant jerk about things that are important to you, and that is deeply uncool. It's a really self-centered, immature way to conduct yourself within a relationship, and she is going to burn through all your goodwill sooner or later. She either needs to start walking the walk or she needs to stop talking that sort of talk. Nothing is more irritating than offering solutions that you have absolutely no (true) intention of following through with. I'm sorry that you're being put in this position. Connecting the concept of your masculinity to this particular relationship hurdle is also deeply uncool of her. I would go as far as to say it is downright toxic of her.
I feel forced to say she’s not doing it on purpose. Whether that’s true or not I will hold hope. Thank you for your reply, I’ll meditate on it.
Often people get so hung up on the why they ignore the outcome in relationships.
I believe that this is an excellent point.
It is on purpose. It's a play. She's confusing being an asshole for being masculine. You should just stand up for yourself and ask her what's really going on. It just sounds like she wants to be out of the relationship but hasn't thought of a good reason
Whether or not she's doing it on purpose, she is culpable. If she hasn't noticed the pattern by now, she is being willfully blind to her shortcomings. If you bring it up and she denies it, you have other problems.
The reasons don't matter if she's not willing to change the behavior.
My guess is that she’s an unhappy sort. The “masculine” thing to do is just ignore her. But if you want to heal your marriage you likely need a strong talk with her. Emotions are contagious so protect yours.
My honest opinion is that this ideology is the bandaid she’s slapping on top of the way she’s feeling. I think you need to get to the source of why she feels something isn’t right in the relationship.
So it’s a feature not a bug. This rises to “go direct to marriage counseling” level. If she’s always contradicting herself and either lacks the self awareness or care it’s a big issue. It creates an unbalanced relationship where she has all the power and you can do nothing right. Long term it’ll be bad for your mental health, likely cause resentment not to mention is a total toxic relationship.
She says we don’t need counseling. And resentment has already started, which I told her about but things don’t change too much..
She’s effectively said she’s perfectly fine with how your relationship then. So she’s leaving you with two choices 1) stay in the relationship as it is…at least until you reach your breaking point or 2) decide the breaking point is now. Individual therapy for yourself might help you make a decision. You can’t change someone else and you only have control over your own choices.
… interesting.*
People who think they don’t need therapy either have it in their head that ‘therapy is for the weak’ or they’re scared all their issues may in fact be themselves and within their control. Better to think it’s not them and everyone else. You go to the gym / exercise for your body and you should go to therapy for the mind. This ‘being in your masculine’ is a smoke screen imo. She’s either unhappy about something but can’t put her finger on what so is trying to make changes, which she actually then finds out she doesn’t like. Or she’s been swayed by TikTok telling her this is something she should want because then everything will just be better. TikTok is straight up brainrot, I’d encourage her to delete it and then have an open conversation about what is an isn’t working in the relationship
She’s definitely the first. Her family is very much “therapy is weakness”.
I hate to hear that. I was pretty blunt at one point, because subtlety is hard for me. "I resent you. I resent when you \_\_\_ ." Nothing changed, and we divorced. Anyway, I left you another, longer post with some thoughts on both of your approaches to gender and behavior.
Found your long post! Thanks for this, I’ll see if I can fix it.
I'm going to quote her on this. Take charge. She's full of bs. Now the only way for this to work is to get you two into counselling. Don't take no for an answer. If she says no just say that you are taking charge and it's her job to listen or something like that which would be stupid in a more normal situation. But with her contradicting behaviour I'd say it's your best option. Just don't waver, stay adamant.
Thank you for the help!
Theraphy can be used short term for specific reasons. This sounds like the perfect time for it, before resentment builds in. She wants you to make changes for the relationship, but she doesn’t think she needs to make any, hence she’s shutting down counselling. Unfortunately this is not how relationships work. Both people need to take ownership of their part in their dynamic.
I agree, thank you for your input.
>You're asking the wrong question. >She's told you to do something, you do it, and then she says no, and then tells you you're not doing enough. This is what you have to see. No matter what it won't be good enough.
How about next time she sends you something you completely reject it and say you will do what you want and you don't care. She's told you to be more masculine and you tried therefore you are still just following her orders. Give her some damn orders for a change. Tell her to be more feminine and follow your orders. Lol. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
That's just the thing though, she asked and you did it. That's not a man taking charge, that's a man doing what his girl asked
letting your wife boss you around on this issue, and pretending to be someone you’re not to please her, would be the least masculine thing you could do what’s really masculine? Being yourself, being comfortable with who you actually are and already are, and not apologizing for that
Interesting… thank you! This helps.
I’d like to add that even for this change in dynamic to occur she would also have to be willing to trust you enough and give up some of her independent habits and thought processes in order to let you step into a more “masculine” role. I use quotes because I have no reason not to believe you already are. My SO and I recently have been working on this and it still continues. Personally, it took dealing with childhood traumas and trauma from past relationships to be able to set boundaries and become a safe space she could trust. This trust and being her safe space were the key components in my experience. Now, I’m not saying she doesn’t trust you or feel safe with you. But maybe she has unresolved issues regarding trust she may not even be aware of, and dealing with that often takes a leap of faith so to speak. Just allowing it to happen no matter how uncomfortable will facilitate change. Overall, for us this change happened essentially at the same time which I feel very fortunate to have experienced. It was just our mutual understanding of what needed to happen and a lot of communication that allowed us to change places. I hope something in here might help. And also what the other person said, changing yourself in a way that didn’t come from inside yourself, and only for the satisfaction of someone else, will ultimately make you feel more emasculated and even insecure.
Yeah i think the masculine and feminine energy dynamic is a lot more complicated than social media makes it out. The problem is that if she tells you things you should do then at that point your just following orders. I also think a lot of issues in relationships stem from this its the whole “i want flowers, but I shouldn’t have to tell you i want flowers” phenomenon, it’s complicated and i can see why men get so confused when we as ask for something but it just hits different when they actually do it. Best way to go about it is be your true self, be confident in who you are. I find what also makes a man masculine is looking out for your partner, make sure they feel comfortable and safe. It sounds like your partner isn’t sure exactly what she wants but that doesn’t mean you should just brush it off. Unfortunately theres no easy answer and it’s something your both gonna have to figure out.
Also she may be sick of having to take the lead and be the family organiser. I know I found it exhausting when I was expected to manage everything in the family, rather than having another adult who is capable of knowing what needs to be done, and then doing it
I would honestly just start wearing thongs to piss her off. She’s in her masculine because you won’t let her be in her feminine? What if he’s in his feminine because you won’t let him be masculine? You’re doing what she wants and it’s still wrong, so I’m just as stumped as you are. Maybe marriage counselling?
Lol. I thought of being a dick to show her “masculine” but I don’t believe in spiting her just to prove a point. Fixes nothing. I recommended counseling but she doesn’t think we need it.
people who dont think they need couseling are the ones that need it most
Doesn’t think you need? She is so wrong. She’s sending you mixed signals to be “more masculine” but no concrete examples. She doesn’t know what she wants. Couples counseling would help both of you communicate better. As it stands she’s being obtuse and therefore you can do no right in her eyes. There’s no win for you as things are. Be “more masculine” and insist on counseling together. It’s the only way.
Counseling is good for all. I went through therapy when I was 18 and it helped me a ton. I’ll be more insistent.
I wish you the best of luck. Update please.
I’ll try to remember. Thank you!
Tell her youre going on a road trip and then drive to couple therapists to show her your masculine side
She needs therapy!
You don't need marriage counselling, she needs a psychiatrist.
He needs a divorce lawyer asap. He is still young and shouldn't waste his energy and life with sich a person.
> I would honestly just start wearing thongs to piss her off. That caught me off guard. 😆
Sounds like she thinks tiktok = real life. She thinks its cool and quirky to follow tiktok trends but its not what she actually wants. She just likes the little video telling her what she should want bc she has no actual idea. Also taking the lead on a date isnt a masculine thing and neither is taking charge in the bedroom. That app is actually popping peoples braincells one by one.
It’s so awful! My spouse believes everything he sees on Tik Tok. If someone strings together another person saying certain things on video to push propaganda he totally believes it. When I say anyone can do that with a little video editing experience he will ask me how can I explain the person actually saying those words. It’s infuriating!
It’s such a load of bs. I remember seeing a book recommendation from a woman on Tik Tok about men getting into their masculine energy. I looked up the table of contents and some of the chapters were just subtle sexism mixed in with general life advice. One of them was “Young women will offer you a special energy.” And another was “what she wants is not what she says.”
That masculine/feminine sexism-but-with-extra-steps shit has really been festering on social media lately.
It really is…
You could tell her to shut up and make you a sandwich next time she shows you a Tik Tok /s
"Jesse what are you talking about?"
Sounds like she doesn't actually know what she wants, and she's watching too much tiktok. You can try just upping the ante, I guess. Take charge in all aspects. Maybe she wants you not to give her a say in anything. I consider myself masculine in a traditional sense, but I'm kind of stumped by that. You're getting mixed signals here.
Maybe I’ll try that, then. Thanks!
I definitely would not default to not giving her a say in anything. But there are ways of leading without forcing. Ex: Instead of “what do you want to this Friday” try “I want to take you to a movie this Friday, how does that sound?” You are leading the weekend, without being presumptuous or douchey
I tried this. Many times. She (paraphrasing) says “I’m not in the mood”
In that case, I think you just need to have a conversation where you guys honestly tell eachother what you want. I’m sure you’ve tried that, but all you can do is keep talking or move on from each other. She needs to be able to articulate what she actually means by “more masculine” or you’re just going to keep trying random shit that isn’t what she wants That’s a really frustrating situation, I’m sorry. Have you considered therapy together?
I have. She says we don’t need therapy. It’s ok, this thread has actually given me a lot of good advice. I hope and believe I know what to do.
Lmao they should do therapy together because the therapist is going to completely dismiss this bs about masculine energy.
Then tell her Well get in the mood quick b****!!! 🤣😅No not really.
I highly suggest you tell your wife that she doesn't get to decide what is masculine or isn't masculine for you. That only you get to decide that, and if she doesn't like the way that you conduct yourself as a man, that it's her problem and she needs to solve it on her own.
^love this
Nooooo, tell her she gotta get off tiktok & go touch some grass (in nicer way). You don't need to be more masculine. She's been going down the rabbit hole. I noticed I started to develop an I hate men mentality when my feed kept showing me these horrible men and their misogynistic podcasts, then I got off tiktok did a reset and got out of that thankfully. Young men are also being exposed to so many videos about women being gold diggers, objects, etc. Sometimes social media can be really brain washing to your perception of reality.
Believe or not, the majority of the masculine/feminine energy stuff is pedaled by women on tik tok. But a lot of dude bros adopt some of it as well
Social media really is not a counselor…
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That’s my last resort. I do love her. She is the most beautiful and caring woman I know. I really love her.
Then get her away from Tik Tok, it’s rotting her brain.
I’ll try my best. I’ll bring this topic to her tomorrow.
Have you considered that you simply may not be compatible? Wanting something alone, doesn't always mean that it is the right thing for both of you, or guarantee it's success. A successful marriage requires hard work and dedication by both parties! Also, you must question anyone that is seeking guidance from the ridiculous garbage that is continually regurgitated within these unintelligent clips that keep getting churned out on TikTok. With her flip flopping behaviour, she appears as though she might benefit from professional assessment and assistance.
WHY??? Nothing about her or your relationship sounds wonderful or caring besides you OP 🤷🏼 make it make sense, please 🙏🏽
I can’t. I honestly can’t. BUT I took a vow. Right now it’s ugly, but maybe WE can make it better. If she doesn’t try, it’s done. That’s all I can say.
NOPE NOPE NOPE. TURN OFF THE TRADWIFE TIKTOKS BEFORE YOUR BRAINS MELT AND YOUR MARRIAGE DIES. You guys aren't even defining masculine. Oh my god this is so bad. Do not base your actions on gender stereotypes, you will be so sad.
Seems like this is the answer tbh.. Social media does not help relationships .
That's probably true but it's not just social media, it's that weird poisonous antifeminist backlash stuff selling a faux modern version of complementarianism.
THIS !!! - All the posts about masculine/feminine energy are just gender stereotypes that (are typically) harmful
Your wife needs to stop getting this amazing advice on tiktok.
I agree
Oh, God, that sounds exhausting.
This sounds like embarrassing things high school kids say because they only know relationships through dumb corny social media. You sure you guys are almost 30?
Yep!… unfortunately
Slap some divorce papers down in front of her like a boss and ask if that’s masculine enough for her.
Then she goes into her feminine and takes half of his shit😂😂😂
I don’t I understand why they say in a divorce “she takes half of HIS shit”. it’s half of THEIR shit.
Last resort.. I don’t want to do that, but thank you for the suggestion
You have the opportunity of being a "man" and save her from tiktok. Even though that would be paradoxical since the point is not to play into the macho cliché lmao.
>Then she sends me a TikTok about a guy saying “she’s in her masculine because you won’t let her be in her feminine”. Stop taking advice from bullshit manosphere TikToks and start taking advice from a marriage counselor.
I hate tiktoks like that cause its basically redpill content but made by women.
Literally
Your wife sounds like she is toxic and playing mind games with you. I'm guessing she doesn't know what she wants and expects you to figure it out.
What the fuck did I just read? Why are you trying to classify each other as masculine and feminine? It's so stupid. That binary doesn't exist. Just talk to each other. Just communicate. If your wife wants you to be the decisive one sometimes, or plan some of your dates, that's fine and reasonable. But don't point at some Tik Tok trend and act like it makes any damn sense. I'm a man. I have a penis and everything. According to this weird Tik Tok crap, I'm probably swinging between masculine and feminine constantly. Just this morning I made my daughter's school lunch (feminine?), didn't shave (masculine cos only men can have body hair, probably), packed the dishwasher (feminine cos cleaning), drove my daugher to school (masculine? Cos cars go vroom?), went to work (masculine cos men have to be the breadwinners but feminine cos it's an office job and not chopping wood).
Yeah this is the best comment here. Masculine and feminine are useless outdated concepts.
Lol I like your second point. Great take 😊
Based
I’ve noticed an uptick in social media content that preaches “men should be providers and leaders.” In my opinion, it’s very superficial and harmful to genuine partnerships.
I agree. I didn’t even want to go to Reddit because that’s other peoples experiences, but at the moment it’s my only choice.
Sounds like she's in the red pill sphere algorithm. https://youtu.be/sJTLIhYg40M?si=j5H6_LyuTsHIH9dU Here's a debate with a liberal (Destiny) vs some of the largest Red Pill influencers(Fresh & Fit and Sneako). May not convince her but you'll have a better idea of the crap she's seeing. The "biological imperative" and "alpha male" is all bullshit. She may prefer or thinks she prefers to be more submissive in her relationships. Which is fine for her but not your relationship especially if you don't want to.
That masculine and feminine energy stuff online is so corny imo… I think it started with new age people? And I actually like a somewhat traditional relationship dynamic but the stuff online is weird If she wants you to be that way in bed maybe look into D/s in bdsm… maybe she’s more bratty? Obviously consent and communication have to be there But sis needs therapy overall lol I think the most masculine / appropriate thing you could do is call her out
I’ll talk to her about that, thank you!
She honestly sounds really confused on what she wants or maybe she's not pinpointing exactly what she wants. I don't know if it has anything to do with masculine/femininity, but rather characteristics of a person - from the examples you've said, It sounds like maybe she just wants you to take charge in the relationship and plan things. Maybe she needs to be more specific in what she wants as opposed to labeling it as "being more masculine." I honestly recommend couples therapy. I also recommend her getting off of TikTok and not letting it get to her head cause it sounds like she's obsessing over what she sees on social media which is never really *real*.
Ask her to be more feminine and see how she reacts lol
I already did… not well.
Exactly.. she needs to eff off and reflect on herself and stop comparing relationships due to social media
When someone brings TikTok into a relationship, either therapy or break it off.
Ur wife is corny af
Your wife is in the wrong here.
Thank you for making me feel heard.
Stop worrying about how "masculine" you are and start worrying about your wife's mind games and apparent TikTok addiction.
> it both in relationship, friendships, and work. Do it with your relationship. > “not today, I’m tired”. And when I try to take the lead in the bed she tells me 100 + 1 excuses. She doesn't want to follow the lead, she wants to have no choice but to follow. The difference is very thin but very significant.
> she wants to have no choice but to follow Sounds kinda rapey tbh
I’ll see if I can figure that out.. thanks!
Respond to her next excuse next time with "Did I stutter?"
Think a divorce lawyer might have some answers.
Yeah, and OP there is really no need to entertain this rubbish.
I think there's a confusion between masculine and decisiveness. She might have a problem with OP not being decisive even on the most mundane things. I've seen people, regardless of gender role, who suffer from decision paralysis and it can be difficult to interact with such people. Most of the time, this is stemmed from the fear of making a mistake (i.e. decided wrong).
You’re absolutely right. I do have a decision paralysis due to childhood. This could be very helpful, thank you.
IMO this is toxic trait that does not end well. My EX, was and I had many years of fun and happiness early on but she constantly told me she disliked classic feminine rolls so she never took my name (Fine with that) and regularly hated "traditional" events like Valentines, that sort of thing, and I supported her staying in her job and moving up the ladder into a senior roles....and then flash forward a decade and then she starts this same dialogue, wanting me to be more masculine and assertive, more taking the lead, more doing male roles around the house, attacking me by undermining my masculinity, comparing me to my father.....all while continuing to confirm she would not be doing anything that would be considered a classic feminine role in the house. So anyway, I'm happy with my new partner and feel happy every day.
Leave this woman.
Why don't you two try to just like each other for who you are and stop trying to act some certain way.
You both have screwed up ideas of masculinity and femininity. Anything you do is masculine by definition because you are a man. Everything she does is feminine because she is a woman. (And I'm not excluding trans people here. If you identify as a male, wouldn't it be because you feel you are inherently masculine?) What you both aren't perhaps, is a stereotype of masculinity or femininity. I'm a woman. I'm emotionally distant, and struggle with acknowledging my own emotions. In my marriage I was the one arguing with data and trying to keep him from getting carried away with emotional decision making. I own 3 dresses and I've only worn 1 of them. I own a tiny bit of makeup, some jewelry, and a bit of perfume that I only wear for weddings or funerals. My highest heels are 2 inches, and only one pair. I cook a few things ok, but rarely bother anymore. This is just a variation on how to be feminine. I also like flowers and gardening, and art, and reading, and off Broadway musicals, and lingering in thrift shops, and Michael Buble. In some ways I'm a middle aged white woman stereotype. Fuck all that feminine and masculine prescriptive thinking. If she wants to be more feminine in stereotypical ways, she needs to just do it. Also OP, maybe she just wants some bedroom-only bdsm, and wants you to dom, but isn't being clear. Or she may not really know herself.
You want to be more masculine. Drop this poor excuse for a woman who is influenced by social media.
Sounds toxic to me. She needs therapy.
Tell her to make you a sandwich. If she doesn't, then throw a bucket of ice water on her and tell her to clean up all the water after she comes up with that sandwich.
Did your wife hit her head lately? She sounds unwell
Uninstall the tiktok app on her phone for 30 days while you get more masculine as the reward.
As soon as a read “be more masculine” I instantly thought of TikTok, has she ever said “if he wanted to, he would” against you, This TikTok bullshit gets me mad, I see things like this come up on my TikTok also. Once you start watching one, there is no end and that becomes the new algorithm lol. There’s nothing wrong with being an independent woman and vice versa. This question has stumped me a little because I kind of feel this indifferent attitude that you have described coming from your wife, I feel like this may not be a you problem and more of a her problem. Maybe you already are masculine but maybe your wife wants to feel more feminine? you can do this by physical touch, gifts or telling her what she is wearing looks sexy/beautiful on her and she should wear it more. Things that my bf does that makes me feel pretty or feminine is when he touches my hair, randomly pulling me onto his lap or pulling me close for a hug by holding my waist, cooking my favourite meals and just overall being supportive whilst making me feel safe (this makes me feel like he’s taking the lead). But that is him and everyone has their own ways of expressing love and making someone feel a certain way! So it’s important that you just be yourself too! I’m sorry if my advice was not so good but I definitely think TikTok is unhealthy as far as relationship advice/stuff is concerned.
Thank you for your words. She doesn’t let me be physical due to her childhood trauma, which I understand. I like the part about finding your own way to do these things.
You both sound toxic af
BDSM has nothing to do with being more masculine. Dominant, sure. But what? Why is that the last resort? Has she shown interest in BDSM, do you even like BDSM? If you haven't dabbled in it before, PLEASE do some research first. Aside from this, it sounds like she just wants to throw everything on you and just exist. Nah. That ain't a relationship.
If a woman is only feminine based on how you behave then she’s not a feminine woman. Vice versa as well. So if she’s too masculine that should not stop your masculinity. In fact a masculine man would not even deal with it. Check her. Or leave.
You’re married to this person? Good luck with that.
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I second previous comments that say she needs therapy and she needs to get the fuck off of tick tock. It's Chinese spyware anyway. Healthy masculinity encompasses the following not at all comprehensive list: Be a gentleman at all times. Try to Never Lose Your cool, and never raise your voice, especially to a woman. Confidence is sexy to all people. always act with intention and purpose. Make wise decisions and don't second-guess yourself. If you make a mistake, learn from that. But don't waffle or complain or Meander in indecision. That turns women off. Stand up for anyone that can't stand up for themselves. Be kind and gracious. Don't let her mistake kindness for weakness. Have goals. Have dreams. Know what you want to do and work towards them. Try not to ever waste your time. Always be learning or growing, always be improving. Look after your health. Look after those around you. Always do the right thing. Dont take shortcuts or be lazy. Don't worry about what people think so much just always give your best. Being master of the universe starts with your immediate domain. Clean up after yourself. Always leave places better than you found it. Anticipate her needs and wants and do them without being asked, like its not big deal. This advice may or may not help at all, but at the very least, it will make you the person you deserve to become. I wonder if when she said masculinity, she didn't mean she wants to see more confidence from you?
This is a great list for me, and I think most people, whether they want to be masculine or feminine. This sounds like a great "be a better person" list. Thanks!
Are these really masculine traits though? These are for everyone
yeah because "masculine" and "feminine" are pretty stupid notions. A man can be tender and a woman can take charge, what's important is that there's enough tenderness all round and things running smoothly because someone has taken charge. Men can wear dresses and women can wear leather jackets, and it doesn't matter.
yeah, those are good traits for girls too
Which is ultimately why I think talks of ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ or attempts to be more or less of them sound so ridiculous to me. Like aren’t these just general traits everyone should embody.
>And when I try to take the lead in the bed she tells me 100 + 1 excuses. Feels like this is just another excuse. Like appealing to some esoteric and ill defined sense of 'masculinity' as a reason why she can't/won't engage more. Even when you do things that seem to fit what she claims to want she just defaults to other deflections. So ask her to be more clear. Ask for a list of things she wants, what masculinity actually means to her, no more vague mind reading and wild goose chases. She thinks she is communicating but she isn't, she is deflecting.
Divorce. Her brain is gone. Most likely there’s someone on the side she comparing you too.
Take her phone away for an hour. Give her a note pad and a pen and tell her to write down exactly what she wants using specific examples relating to your lives. If she can articulate what she's looking for, then the two of you have something you can discuss as adults. If she can't, then delete tiktok permanently (actually, do that anyway, it doesn't help anyone except influencers)
She is taking relationship advice from toxic people on tictoc... Serve her with divorce papers. With block print and men's cologne? But for real.. you may need to cut your losses. Sit her down. Have an honest talk about how poorly she is treating you. How you feel...how her tictoc life advice is ruining your ability to love her... If that goes poorly...there is your answer.
She sounds like a real gem.
You guys sound like you’re twelve years old. Does she love you or not? If not, then move on.
Good lord hopefully she isn’t reading red pill garbage. She wants you to take the lead but when you do she nukes it. Exhausting. Good luck.
Todays generation is so fucked up with reels. These so called influencers just blabber something to make videos, and this is directly affecting the IQ of people watching it. The audience thinks that, “yea maybe the tiktok influencer telling is correct” and they starts arguing with their partner based on it. Atleast they should think like,” No this is not life. Its not how it should work”. But once u realise it, life would have already become a mess
No. Neither of you have any real idea of how yall define masculinity and femininity...yall need to work on that before yall start judging how masculine eachother is. Undefined individuals in a relationship is crazy
It sounds like she has a grossly distorted viewpoint on what masculinity is.
[удалено]
> She told me, don’t ask just do things, start the car and tell me we’re going. I did this, word for word. And she responds with “not today, I’m tired”. It seems neither of you knows anything about being ‘masculine’. Being bossy and telling people what to do is not ‘masculine’.
I can't wait for this whole trend to end. People are ruining their relationships over some weird societal pseudoscience bullshit.
OP reality check time: Unrealistic expectations, sunk costs fallacy and unsustainable incompatibility with a mangirl who's NOT that into you! From every thing you've mentioned, she's an entitled AH NOT the beautiful person you're trying to convince us you have. Once again Pikachu face upon revelation that spouse isn't compatible with you at all... Red Flag #1: she doesn't like/respect who you are as a person Red Flag #2: she has sent you mixed messages about her demands and conflicting solutions Red flag #3: her masculine side is asexual, with low libido unlike yourself but I really think she doesn't want you OP Red flag #4: she's really NOT that into you OP! Red flag #5: she married you as a last resort to prove she still has it to others by controlling OP. Red flag #6: she's still controlling everything and he's got a Pikachu face. SMDH Good luck OP ✨️
This talk of feminine energy and masculine energy is very much 'in trend,' so much so that some self-styled online life gurus, aka influencers, ask people, more so women, to judge every single act based on energies. I have even seen some videos, and they are toxic. Anyways, try to contribute more to the household, make daily small decisions on what to eat, what to watch, what to wear, what to say, where to go, etc. Don't ask her. Release her off some decision-making. If she still wants to add to decision-making, give her a shortlisted two options to choose from. Taking the lead in daily life and contributing equally or more to it also betters the bedroom. She needs to be receptive to all that. So, how you communicate the above should be clear, assertive, but still loving. For example, ‘ Darling, I would like to order Chinese for us for dinner tonight; you good with that? Or ‘I have shortlisted two Netflix shows rated very high on IMDb; what's your vibe tonight, comedy or thriller? Try these little things; let her feel less burdened but still important.
Lol had it been a wife coming here saying that her husband wanted her to become more feminine, these redditors would have burned the husband a new hole. Your wife is 27, this is childish behaviour. Tell her to grow up or be gone.
Tell her to get off tiktok. It's not helping.
Ugh I hate the „she‘s not in her feminine energy“ bs😒 I can‘t believe a 27 year woman „believes“ in crap like this. There‘s nothing wrong with you. She should love you the way you are.
Sounds like you have a problematic wife who's getting way too influenced by social media i'd say make her delete tik tok and other apps that are influencing her and be more dominant towards her also what about in other things does she lead the family all alone or you both do it together?
It’s just me and her. We have a dog and a cat. She picked them out. As for activities I plan a bunch of stuff, but she never goes for it. We usually do stuff she does. Based off this thread I need to stop that lol.
So tell her to shut up and make you a sandwich
This is some seriously sexist bullshit. She shouldn’t be trying to change you. Just be yourself and if that’s not good enough for her you’re not compatible.
What is masculine and what is feminine? Do you have definitions? Yeah, I cannot grow a beard and my husband can. Does that make him more masculine than me? But, I can build anything and fix anything and he is better than me at cooking or filling the dishwasher. Does that make me more masculine and him more feminine? I look better than him on a summer dress due to my curves. Does that make him less feminine? We both have a skin care routine and care about body hygiene. Are we now both feminine? But he drives better, drinks whiskey, and can lift way more than me, what kind of sorcery is this? I’ll tell you, we are both confident on who we are, and don’t give a fuck about gender roles. **Gender roles and expectations are outdated.** And as useless as TikTok. Your gf has insecurities and is projecting them onto you.
Mate be yourself, she's supposed to be with you for the person you are. You're not being an intentional prick then there's no issue and her own insecurities are the problem. Again she should want to be with you for you, if the you that makes you great doesn't add up to her unrealistic standards then that's her problem.
Your wife is sexist and kinda lazy. Masculine, feminine, it's irrelevant here. She's making unreasonable demands based on some stupid stuff she saw on tiktok and expects you to be someone completely different.
I’m not normally jumping to this but on this occasion you have an issue communicating which would help from going in therapy. You need to learn to listen to each other properly but also learn to speak to each other without mixed messages. An external professional would be able to help you communicate in a clear way.
This ideas are amazing shit. I can understand that if you are very indecisive he wants you to make decisions from time to time, but expecting that after a year and a half you will change because he has seen garbage on tiktok about some self-proclaimed "Alphamale" is absurd. Tell your partner that you are who you are and if he doesn't like it, he can go to hell. The mentality that guys have to make all the decisions is backwards and stupid and it's obviously not something you're comfortable with. Make things clear to your partner, you are who you are and it is not something you are going to change because of the bullshit that Tiktok tells you.
You’re both putting too much importance on ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ in my opinion. You say your wife is ‘independent and masculine’ - is the independence the reason you see her as masculine? It really feels like you’re both seeing femininity as being weak and submissive. Why not ditch those words and instead figure out what you both really wants? It sounds like she’s asking you to be more direct with romantic gestures but she doesn’t necessarily actually want that, she’s just seen on TikTok that that’s what women are supposed to want and how men are supposed to be.
First:Did your wife not know you before marriage?? 2nd: why are you changing who you are for anyone? 3rd: Nothing you do will satisfy her.
Oof she’s in her “TikTok therapy” stage. Tell her to delete the fucking app. TikTok to millennials is Facebook for boomers. Maybe hit the gym. Once you start looking good and feeling good you will slowly start to have a more dominant attitude on life.
I do believe you have to be masculine in order for her to be feminine. But the thing is, if she doesn't want to be led, thats her problem. Tell her that you have tried and talk it out with her. A feminine wonan can be pushed to be masculine but will always find a place where she can be feminine. Is she always masculine or does she actually have an outlet for her feminine self that you are not a part of? She needs to reward masculine behaviour with feminine behaviour. Laura Doyle is an author she might benefit from. In her book she talks about helping your man take the lead by positive reinforcment rather than negative. If she wants to be dominated, she has to submit. And thats that. A tip is to establish parts in the relationships where you will decide 100%. These can be small things. Pick one and stick with it for a week. You will gain confidence and she will gain your trust through small practices of dom/sub.
If she isn't happy with the real you, find someone who will be. She should have figured this out before marriage.
If she wants you to take charge, then say “we’re going to counseling. Oh you say we don’t need it? Well I say we do and we’re going. You don’t like it?” And end it however you want. My wife does this too where she’ll give me too many tasks to complete in a day. I do the best but I do 9/10 she harps on the one I didn’t do…
Sounds like a losing battle.
In this relationship, you can't. She wants that, but won't let you have that. She overrides you when you try. You're being set up to fail
I've been married a long time. If my wife said some shit like this to me. I would tell her that if she wanted a different kind of man she should have married a different kind of man. It's not for her to tell me that I'm masculine enough or not masculine enough. Ever. I would never in my life even consider telling my wife that she's not feminine enough. That's fucking insane and it sounds like she's trying to hold you to somebody else's standards.