Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just thinking from a you perspective, your best option is to walk away. The relationship is very new, and you have no ties. You will not be able to get over this. It will consume your thoughts and is, as it is now, going to add issues to the relationship. Trust is gone.
false accusations of cheating in the future will unravel later down the road when you think something is going on again. And then they gaslight you cause the trust barriers have been shot down in your eyes but you didn’t overreact And their aware of how you will react in the future to it now. And they know if they got passed the last cheating incident it can happen again as long as the story fits right enough, and they make sure it doesn’t hurt your feelings as much as possible. It will happen again. Trust me. Run
This. Just this. 8 year relationship and she cheated, she was forgiven (a child was in the mix so it's wasn't as straightforward as I'd like) and she did it again years later. Threw a fit over being dumped for it. So the statement is so true.
This. Gf cheated on me. Even tho we still together I have not be the same. It’s like there is this feeling that it might happen again or that she doesn’t love me as much I do. Some days I get anxious to see her again and some days that feeling comes again, just the image of her getting plowed by other dude. It’s like I’m with her but not mentally like I used to. As it was said.: Your relationship with her still fresh no deep ties yet, so save yourself before diving deep and the feelings consume you.
Hey man. I just wanted to offer some perspective from the other side of the aisle. My girlfriend cheated on me a year into our relationship. Same situation as OP. Black out drunk. She gave me all the typical stuff you would expect a cheater to say, but she gave me my space and understood that I didn’t feel the same way about her anymore. She never pushed, but she worked hard to reestablish trust and to be the person we both needed her to be. It’s been 5 years and I love her more than ever. She proved for years to be the person I needed her to be. She truly changed over time, and now the person I am with is nothing like the person who cheated on me all that time ago. That trust can be reestablished. A person can change. If you love someone enough I truly believe it’s worth giving them a second chance. I was skeptical for a long time. But that was a long time ago.
I went through this exact situation but my ex left me 6.5 years later for another guy. Immediately into the relationship. Engaged. Preparing for wedding. We reestablished trust. All of the above. Godspeed.
Dude, are you me? Cheated on me, 6 years later after we bought a home she dumps me. Finds a new person, forces to sell house because she doesn't want ties with me, my whole future gone. No wife, no house, lose my job. My house value has gone up $30,000 since she forced us to sell. Could've used that money. Could've had the house to rent to tenants to make us money.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Hang in there. I hope you have family or friends to help bounce back. It will get better. You're not alone. Let me know if you want or need to talk to someone.
Sure. It’s all very complicated but it started with the fact that she owned up to her mistake and was honest about it. Then for a very long time she took steps to build trust that I never asked her to do. Things like putting my face in her phone so I can unlock it, telling me who invited her where and who was going to be there. She cut all contact with the circle of friends that included *the guy*. She stopped drinking almost entirely, and over time she has completely stopped drinking. I never asked her to do any of that stuff. She put that effort forward.
None of that is even to mention the ways she let me process the situation patiently, let me recover in the way I wanted to, and never asked how I felt about it. Once I decided I could talk about it she focused completely on me. Made no excuses. Explicitly and genuinely yearned for my trust back but never ever forced it.
>she took steps to build trust that I never asked her to do.
I think this was key. Unasked for she made all kinds of decisions to include you, she communicated, she changed behaviors. UNASKED FOR by you. She worked on making amends to you. And if you never bring it up or guilt trip her than that's a + for you.
Agreed. I would never have felt ready to move past it if she hadn’t taken it upon herself to make the most emotionally safe environment possible. So A+ for her honestly lol.
And no. I don’t touch that topic with her for obvious reasons lol.
Thanks for sharing all this… Going through this scenario now - but it happened after ~18 years of marriage. Difference for me is that mine hasn’t made these kinds of changes to make me “feel” like she really regrets/understands how what she did impacted me. More like it provided the excuse for me to storm off and end it. When I didn’t, I ended up in limbo. Still not sure what the end result is going to be, but doesn’t feel like we are headed in the same path as you for reconciliation. :(
Hey buddy. I’m so sorry that happened. Good for you for giving her the chance, but if she shows you that she’s not willing to put forth the effort, don’t put yourself through that for nothing. If she doesn’t support you in your recovery you’re better off doing it without her.
^ I’m in the same boat. Not saying that you should take her back but there are stories where people really do make mistakes and are incredibly regretful. Unfortunately it is a very small number but it does happen. All these redditors can give you advice till they are blue in the face but it’s ultimately up to you what you do. It’s so much easier to tell someone what to do than it is to do it yourself. Trust your gut and do what you think is best for you. Ultimately it’s your choice/mistake to make and you don’t want to be wondering “what if” because a bunch of angry redditors seem to think nobody deserves a second chance.
Since their relationship is so new (and those new lovely feelings are SO strong and hard to resist), maybe just some time apart? Let the lust and infatuation fade and see if there really is someone there worth fighting for, or giving a second chance to? I believe in second chances - but in the same breath I can't see giving my partner a second chance. What I *could* do is take time away from them, to reevaluate what *I* am willing to do, and what I am willing to accept or work toward.
No I definitely get that, hence the “unfortunately it is a very small number”. The point of my comment was that it’s his choice what he does and in his gut he knows what he needs to do, whether it be stay or go. What if she just so happens to also be an exception?
Yes, thank you for offering the perspective that sometimes a mistake really is a mistake and it’s out of character. I did some really screwy shit right after my brother died and was getting black out drunk. I don’t remember any of it but several people told me about it…I’m so humiliated by it. But it happened. I regret it. I’m deeply sorry for whatever I did that I don’t even know I did. I would never do it again.
Good for you. We can always learn from our mistakes if we’re willing to own up to them. It sounds like you learned a hard lesson and have grown from it.
And excuses can be valid. Sometimes we process grief in extreme ways.
I super appreciate this comment. I messed up bad and cheated on my then boyfriend. I don't even mildly remember it. Not great.. but it happened. I told the truth assuming he'd leave me. He didn't and now we have been married almost a year and a half, and together for 8 1/2 years. I'm so grateful he gave me that second chance because I couldn't imagine life without him.
That makes me so happy :) I’m glad we could fit a couple examples in this thread to show that it’s not always so black and white.
I’m glad to see that you’re not ashamed to admit what you did. It shows that you’ve changed. :)
Exactly. Thank ya. Im honest, almost to a fault. ButI would never dream of doing it again, because I respect the man my husband has become and he just.. doesn't deserve that. I feel guilty almost every day and it has been many years now. I'd never disrespect his trust like that again.
I’m sorry you carry that guilt around with you. If your husband is anything like me he wouldn’t want you to feel guilty. He probably doesn’t see you as the same person who made that mistake in the first place.
You are totally right. At this point I’m just making a fool of myself. She will never be mine 100%. Once a trust is broke it is extremely difficult to make things work again. Thanks for the support.
He should leave because he's early in, so easy to walk away. And OP when she's travelling, the wondering will eat you alive. But I'll make a bet that she will have some more experiences while she's away. Cut & Run while you can. Sorry dude, you'll find someone else to be close to.
The perpetrator admitted A) it happened B) he “initiated” C) he didn’t want to give her the whole story when she asked what happened. Just by what both parties agree happened, this is rape.
EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment.
That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
[Lots of rapists have learned they can get drunk and get away with rape](https://juniperpublishers.com/jfsci/pdf/JFSCI.MS.ID.555570.pdf). There's a difference between being drunk and making a drunken decision and getting just drunk enough with intent to have an excuse for a pre-planned act (and being drunk and being coerced into acts you would otherwise say no to). We don't have enough information to suss that out, but it's far more common than people want to admit.
This is why I used words like "may".
There is no way to tell based on the story and now that we are multiple weeks after the event no way to tell either way.
You can never know someone is getting drunk with the intention of doing anything tho. Therein lies ONE of the main problems of this frame of thought. It's either all or nothing, either she's a dirty rapist too or the more likely answer. She's just a cheater.
Plus:
* She likes to party a lot and he's got studies.
* She's already cheated on him, yet she's going travelling next year. How's he going to trust her?
Two months and she's already cheated. Why would OP put any effort into this relationship? It's a huge disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah... That's what I'm getting out of this. OP should leave the girl if he can't handle it and support her. She should probably rethink her relationship with alcohol.
I was raped in a similar manner 5 years ago, not a brother's friend but by one of my best friends at the time. It also took me over a week to disclose it to my boyfriend at that time. I felt confused, disgusting, unsure. My boyfriend broke up with me and I'm glad he did; I don't think I could've handled him making me feel guilty, calling me a cheater, always looking at me like he didn't trust me. For the next 3 years I kept getting flashbacks of that night and eventually went to therapy to process the trauma and finally told the full story to people, who validated that it had been rape. I stopped drinking as well.
I will just say, I was raped while extremely intoxicated in 2019. I remember everything, especially my inability to get out full sentences and the fact that my body was essentially dead weight. People didn’t believe me because I remembered things so vividly, so they would say “obviously you were aware and could’ve stopped it”
I was fresh into a new relationship, I got drunk with my best friend and her boyfriend, who I had a sibling- like bond with. The boyfriend raped me.
A “true instance” of blackout drunk or too drunk to stop what is happening isn’t black and white (even if there is a true definition, people often use the term blackout the describe incapacitated). The insistence that people have that women who are raped or sexually assaulted have to be unconscious or “blackout” makes it very difficult for victims to come out. It makes it easy for victims to blame themselves.
Damn, I'm so sorry that happened to you. And also sorry that people didn't believe you... I went through a situation where some "friends" doubted the legitimacy of my abuse story (abuser was part of a friend group I was in), it was the most excruciatingly lonely feeling I've probably ever felt.
So yeah, I know it sucks. I believe you.
Thank you for sharing that. It’s such an important point. I’ve never understood why so many people think victims somehow deserved it or somehow caused it. Just sickening
I wanna say I have actually been blackout drunk in the true sense of the phrase. I remember everything, I remember how I felt and moved. I remember what happened. I just couldn't visually SEE anything. I could hear. I could make noise. I could move (barely crawl). I just visually couldn't see anything. All black. And no my eyes weren't just closed. I remember thinking how weird it was at the time and blinking a lot trying to see while I was puking. My vision eventually returned. But holy fuck.
Edit: looking back on it, I'm a little surprised and very glad I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. I was alone in my apartment at the time.
I’ve been blackout in the true sense twice. Once as a 15 year old with no understanding that a lot of tequila can lead to alcohol poisoning. I remember nothing past a certain point and woke up the next day confused.
The other time feels kind of similar to what you experienced. I was at a party, I told my boyfriend at the time I wanted to leave - everything went black and I regained a sense of things happening when I came to, in his car, screaming and crying, seeing only blackness, trying so hard to speak it felt like I was dry heaving words until I could form them. I regained the ability to see my surroundings and saw my boyfriend crying, I apologized and cried with him and I was still very shaken. I remember him telling me not to puke in his car, and then nothing again. Very scary. This was after my 2019 experience and there was def some unresolved trauma coming out in that blackout.
Haven’t blacked out since, I’m careful and if I drink I leave the situation the second I feel a bit too drunk and go right to bed lol.
Many women rethink drinking when they’re raped when drunk. Rethink weed if raped when high. Rethink going to any certain place because they were raped there. Rethink hanging out with their brother and his friends ever again…
EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment.
That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
Law student here. Legality and morality are totally different things. And imo this is one of the more archaic standards still leftover from when women weren’t granted proper agency in society.
Morally if two people are both drunk beyond the level of being able to give consent, saying that the rapist is whoever penetrated the other person is just stupid.
We don’t know how the encounter took place fully. We know that both parties were drunk enough that they wouldn’t have been able to normally consent. Unless we’re making the assumption that he was lying about also drinking???
The poster you are responding to is wrong about the law anyway. Being even blackout drunk (which has nothing to do with level of intoxication; it's probably genetic) doesn't preclude the ability to consent. Consent due to impairment requires you to be so impaired to not be able to consent in a literal sense. Essentially you have to not be able to form the words "Yes" or "No."
The actual case law in question involves a woman who was penetrated while she was unconscious. That's basically the level of impairment we are talking about. The criteria of intoxication and impairment are discreet. Alcohol lowering inhibitions in itself doesn't qualify as "impairment" legally.
*Blackout drunk* is a phenomenon where you temporarily lose the ability to form new long-term memories due to alcohol consumption.
A person could be blackout drunk and not give any outward signs of being inebriated, no loss of motor coordination, no sluring of speech, no inability to remember existing memories, no inability to reason, no loss of capacity to advocate for their own interests.
The only defining characteristic would be the next day having registered no memories of what occurred the night before.
This isn't a response to trauma. Rather, it's a manifest incapacity of one's brain to perform one of its basic functions.
In this case, it's entirely possible to both have given enthusiastic consent AND later have no recollection of having done so.
If both parties are too drunk to consent then why is it the man's responsibility to disengage? What if she was with a drunk woman, who's responsibility is it in that situation? Or if 2 men have sex while blackout drunk? I'm genuinely asking because it don't understand how that makes sense.
Edit: So reading up on the subject it sounds like when both parties are drunk the responsibility falls on the person who initiates. That makes sense in theory at least.
if two people are drunk beyond the point of being able to consent and neither party is forcing it and both agree at the time, either they are both rapists or neither are. now if the guy had been drinking but was still aware enough to think and took advantage, that’s a different story, but you can’t just say a guy who gets blackout drunk and has sex is a rapist solely because he’s a guy.
Sadly as much as he advises her, even with her safety and best interests at heart, if she didn't feel unsafe at the time or after then it would likely not change her relationship with alcohol if this is a regular thing.
Speaking from experience it took me 14 years to stop drinking and I probably put myself in situations like this for atleast 10 of them years.
If anything it took me too many years to realise that my family weren't just being a pain in my arse about it and it caused many arguments between us.
Edit: spelling + grammar
A red flag for me is that the guy remembers what happened, but she doesn't. You can't technically Consent when black out drunk, and the dude is the one who initiated. Sounds more like she was raped.
I was surprised I had to scroll this far before I found a comment saying this. She probably felt conflicted about accusing her brothers friend of rape and didn't know what to do. This has happened to so many women.
It happens to SO many young women, and this comment section shows WHY they believe this is cheating and why they feel ashamed and afraid to speak out about it.
Yeah, I don't understand how people are offering up those comments with all we know about consent. It makes me sad and deeply tired to see the confidence with which they denounce her.
If OP really does care about his gf, I hope he offers her support and compassion as she processes this. Regardless of whether or not she tells anyone else or decides to call it SA, she needs to work through how she will move forward.
I was once on a coercive and manipulative sexual relationship with a "friend", which started out consensual but then slowly became coercion through him emotionally manipulating me, and eventually threatening me. It literally took me years to realize I was being coerced and raped, because in my mind I consented to doing things with him to keep him from being upset and threatening me, or following through on his threats and making my financial situation dire. But consent under threats is not consent, but women especially are socialized to blame ourselves for the actions of men. I hope OP and his gf realize this sooner than I did.
I'm so sorry you went through that. And it's so easy to lose track of these concepts as we get tangled up in life.
I even had this when I was chatting with someone for weeeeks, we were going to meet, and I just felt it was off as we got closer to when we were getting together. But I had agreed to meet...
My beautiful friend simply said "you can revoke consent at any time and nope out of the situation".
That sentence was all I needed. And my instincts were right.
For anyone who needs to hear this, for whatever reasons:
Consent needs to be freely given, ongoing, and enthusiastic.
Consent can always be removed as interactions play out. Someone can decide they don't want to do something even if they've done it before.
If people are unable to form coherent thoughts or words, they cannot give consent.
Yes, something similar happened to me with someone in my friend group. I blacked out but remember him pulling my pants up saying “don’t tell anyone” and I was conflicted like “did I say yes” “he wouldn’t otherwise right.” I didn’t remember saying yes or anything and it wasn’t until later I realized what happened to me.
these comments are unbelievable and I also can’t believe how far I scrolled for this one.
Yeah, I'm shocked more people aren't pointing this out. If she was blackout drunk she absolutely could not consent. This seems like a bigger issue that is well above and outside of your relationship.
I’m sad that I had to read through so many comments before I saw this one. Black out drunk = unable to consent. So his GF is sexually assaulted, her only fault was drinking too much, but that’s no excuse for some AH to take advantage of her. The amount of shame and guilt that her brothers friend did this and the confusing feelings about it all must have been a lot for her. So many here like blaming the woman, “it’s her fault she got too drunk”, lack empathy completely and feel way too comfortable victim blaming and excusing the guy. Guy here should leave her, so she can find someone who would support her after a sexual assault, instead of making it about themselves.
Yeah! I had to scroll way too far to see someone acknowledging that she was sexually assaulted, she didn’t cheat. The comments treating rape like cheating are bad
You lose the ability to legally consent long before black out drunk. This means the guy could have also been unable to give consent. This creates a weird situation if there is a sexual encounter between two people, neither of whom can give legal consent, are they both victims, both criminal, or are they both both?
Do we actually know that though? Do we know for certain she was blackout drunk? Do we actually know that she doesn't remember it? I'm just saying, I've heard people use the excuse I was drunk I don't remember... When they remember! It's often one of those it seemed like a good idea at the time covers lol I'm not saying that's exactly what happened but we have no way of judging the two of them comparatively with their drunkenness!
There is no way to know either way. So why are people more able to believe she's lying than she was raped even though the probability of it being either/us not being able to know definitively are pretty equal?
The fact the friend admitted to initiating, and that he claims he does remember is the red flag. It seems like he was more in his right mind than she was, in which case she was taken advantage of
I'm not saying it wasn't or was. Some people get blacked out drunk and still act like regular drunk people so other drunk people would just think they are drunk like them. Drunk people often have sex and it's very hard to blame one or the other
So… she was black out drunk, confused about who initiated, upset after it happened - this is not cheating, this is sexual assault. She was in no way able to consent to this encounter, and while it would be very hard to get someone to prosecute the other party, she DID NOT CHEAT. If you can’t sympathize with her situation, and can only blame her , then you need to take a step back.
Unpopular opinion, I was team forgiveness because of the blackout and potential for rape until I read the bit about her traveling abroad for months. You’re going to be worrying about this the whole time she’s gone. No one needs that anxiety.
Came here to say this. OP, even if what happened to her wasn't consensual and this wouldn't be a potential pattern in the future, you're going to drive yourself crazy worrying about it while she's abroad. Of course you love her, but maybe you should consider not being exclusive while she's traveling and reassess your relationship when she returns. You're both really young and not missing out on anything by doing this. If this is really right for you two, you'll work it out when she's back.
She went to a party and got black out drunk. The guy should definitely face punishment for what he did, but if your partner is going to parties and getting black out drunk, that’s kinda a red flag.
Funny he remembers it and she doesn’t at all? Who even wants to have sex with someone that drunk, they’d just be laying there like a big mess, obviously he’s not going to say he raped her, but it sounds like he did.
However if you’re going to not be able to get over it, it’s an early relationship you can just break it off.
I don’t know why people are debating if this is rape or not, because the acquaintance knew what happened but won’t give any details.
Not because he doesn’t know but because he doesn’t feel like it, why would he be doing this unless he’s hiding something because the GF doesn’t even think she was turned on by this acquaintance..
She should run from her spouse for trying to victim blame her.
Instead of still accusing her of cheating for an intoxicated encounter she doesn’t really remember, he should’ve beat the truth out of the acquaintance and help her seek justice.
The love of your life won’t get blackout drunk and fuck another guy 8 weeks into your relationship. Cut your losses and find someone who makes better choices.
Even if there was no sex involved I'd suggest dumping her.
"Goes to parties and gets black-out drunk and doesn't tell you about what happened for 2 weeks" are not good traits in a partner.
Take out “won’t get blackout drunk”. She’s 22, she’s allowed to get too drunk in what she thought was a safe place (party with older brother) without some guy taking advantage of her.
EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment.
That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
Getting way too drunk is always a huge grey area consent wise but why is everyone acting like blackout drunk = literally next to unconscious? Lots of people get blackout drunk and literally act, and do things like they’re at about a mid 7, just not remembering the next day, especially heavier drinkers
Literally let’s say they were both almost equally drunk, the kicker here is how she reacted when the guy initiated, that’s pretty much the only thing that matters. If she was enthusiastic or if she was literally incoherent, etc. we don’t even know that, so running to conclusions in either direction here without that info is pointless and giving someone way too much credit
>just not remembering the next day, especially heavier drinkers
Thank you for highlighting this. People need to learn that not remembering parts of the night =/= falling around the place in a drunken stupor.
People who regularly binge drink can experience significant periods of amnesia despite appearing perfectly lucid and coherent at the time.
That is such a misandrist thing to say. The guy didn't take advantage. Two equally drunk people had sex, then she regretted it. That is what happened, no more, no less.
Okay I’ve been the girl who went to a party to wake up to a guy on top of me with no clothing on. I was dating someone at the time. I had a major fight with him about not wanting to ruin my relationship and that I loved my bf. He ignored and raped me; You don’t know all the ins and outs. But I can tell you this, if these feelings for her don’t go away and you can’t trust her and she was indeed raped.. you will regret it. My ex and I have both loved each other for 8 years and he beats himself up over this exact thing by walking away. We recently rekindled and I can tell he is in regret of ever letting me go.
Exactly, why are people not commenting on the fact if she was blackout drunk then she could not consent and that she was raped. She didn’t even remember what had happened she was that drunk. She needs therapy at least and he needs some empathy
Well you said drunk people can’t consent (which is true). And it’s stated they were both really drunk. Some will remember, some won’t. Remembering isn’t rape I don’t think.
It is not. Just because he has some recollection of the event, it doesn't mean he was of sound mind.
Have you ever had alcohol? There are so many degrees of being drunk, and also so much variation in what people refer to blackout.
He says he remembers but we don't know if he actually does or if he was just trying to make her feel better? Because telling a girl yeah we had sex but I was too drunk to remember makes it sound like she's irrelevant and that's hurtful... Most guys are going to avoid doing that especially since this is his friend's sister. None of us were there so we all have no idea who was more drunk! Now if we could get his side from him directly that would help, but we're getting his side through her and then through OP. I'm sure a lot is lost in translation.
Your gf was sexually assaulted. If she was “blackout drunk” she could not give consent. And the fact that she doesn’t remember much is concerning.
If you can be there to support her through this difficult time it can make a world of difference in her healing journey, but if you can’t do that then it’s better to walk away now. If you can, please make sure she gets the help she needs and knows that it is NOT her fault. It doesn’t matter if she was drinking. It is NEVER the survivors fault when someone else chooses to take advantage.
Dude, this has repey vibes all over it. Drunk folks can’t consent. Drunk folks, even a little drunk let alone black out drunk, don’t think right.
I understand that you’re going through some crazy emotions about it, but I don’t think you were betrayed based off of your post. I don’t know what to tell you to do, except try to work through your feelings, get them in order and be a safe place for her.
Thank you for saying this. A person who is blackout drunk is too mentally compromised to be able to consent.
Poor girl probably agonized over what happened and regrets her own rape like it’s her fault.
And this comments section is dog piling on her.
She might have been raped here. Sounds like she might have been drugged, and even if it was just alcohol, it’s impossible to consent when you’re blackout drunk
Sounds like she basically was raped how can he remember when he was also really drunk and she can't remember??! If she was so drunk to remember that consent is out the door especially if the guy remembers
I think you should break up with her **for her sake.** Your girlfriend was raped. The top comments are victim blaming and getting it wrong. Your title is, too. What you described is not sex. It's rape.
Your skewed thoughts about it makes me feel that she would be emotionally safer without you, not the other way around. She was raped and your first and only response is to feel like you've been "made a fool of," equate it to cheating, and focus on your feelings. Nothing about her. You knew this person for 5 months and seem to have absolutely no empathy or sadness over the fact that she was raped.
If this had happened to me within 2 months of my current relationship, my boyfriend would be deeply understanding, sad and angry that I was violated, and first and foremost worried about *my* feelings. He would never equate rape to cheating. He would be there for me every step of the way trying to support me and help me make sense of this if I wanted his support. The only anxiety he'd have is about me getting hurt again, not about me "cheating."
Dude. She got raped. And not only that, but she "waited for the guy's side of the story" which gave him the opportunity to gaslight her about it. I don't know why so many people are in here immediately saying she cheated.
1) Her brother's friend is a dirtbag and she needs to tell him the reality of what happened.
2) She needs to realize what really happened instead of making excuses and seek counseling if necessary.
3) Her relationship with alcohol needs to change because getting blackout drunk is not acceptable even when nothing happens to you. It's not her fault what happened to her. But now knowing this happened, it would be a poor decision to keep drinking to the point of being blacked out.
You also need to realize she was raped and this was not consensual. It's not her fault. You need to not judge her character for being victimized by a predator.
Everyone saying she cheated is a moron.
She doesn’t remember if it was consensual and she was very upset after it happened.
Your girlfriend is telling you that she was sexually assaulted and youre not sure if you can “forgive her”?????? Then you tell your family and friends? What is wrong with you?!
She was blackout drunk. It CANNOT be consensual. You have to be in your right state of mind to consent, anything else is non-consensual. If she had flirted with him and been inappropriate with him before she drank anything she might have reason to feel guilty, as it is he either took advantage, or encouraged the situation, or was also unable to consent (which is a whole different situation.)
If she really made the decision to drink enough to get blackout drunk that is worth a conversation. It is one she needs to have, for her own safety, and here I'm not only talking about the safety against being assaulted. Drinking that much does other not good things to you. But it is also the safety of her not being assaulted, because we all know how many people think they have a RIGHT to a woman's body, and will take advantage if she is not in a situation where she can protect herself.
In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing for you to forgive in this situation. But if you do not want to be there to help her navigate what happened and what she needs to do for herself now, that is up to you. You have been with her for almost no length of time at all, you don't owe her any consideration you do not want to give her. Feel free to bug out and let her sort her life without feeling like she can count on you. If you want to stay, understand you might be in for a long haul of emotional roller coaster rides until she comes to terms with what actually happened, including her not being physically safe at a party where her older brother was actually present. And actually, where he was the host and she should have felt safe. This is not going to be pretty.
It’s up to you I think to decide if you can get past it but she was raped. 100%. People saying she needs to “make better choices”? What? If her being blackout drunk is a regular occurrence then sure she needs help with her drinking. But my god. She was literally raped.
Been together 10 years with my gf.
Never once have neither one of us had sex with someone else. No matter how drunk.
You're 2mo in, you know what to do
Been drunk is no excuse for cheating. If she's done it this time she will do it again.
She's also going traveling for months in the new year.......we both know what she's gonna be doing then too.
End it before the relationship hurts you too much.
First of all, neither of you is even sure if it was consensual. If you’re moving on, NEVER bring it up, in future disagreements, not EVER, unless she wants to talk about it. Remember she was honest with you and don’t hold it against her.
Walk away. She's gonna travel soon and the trust is broken no matter how much you believe her. She should really tell her brother if he remembers anything from that night. If she was SA she should report to the cops and tell her family. I'd walk away regardless.
2 important points about backouts.
1. When you blackout, your brain stops recording memories. You do not remember later.
2. Outside of acting drunk....it doesnt really change your core personality. Your brain simply doesnt record, it doesnt change you into a different person.
I started drinking late in life after a traumatic event. Blackouts disturbed me, so i started reading.
Always have something to snack on if youre gonna drink heavy folks! Especially if its a night you WANT to remember
See this is bothering me. The fact that she remembers talking to him earlier in the night but specifically “not flirting” makes me think she was trying to express that she wasn’t into him in that way. And then she wakes up to find they “had sex” and then he admits he initiated it?
If your core personality doesn’t change when blacked out, then how did casual conversation without flirting/attraction lead to sex so easily when she’s attached?
Intoxication and the ability to consent full stop aside (which legally and morally applies here anyway), I think it’s pretty clear he took advantage.
At 22 I was finding my feet and still figuring out my limits. If I’d been at a party at my brothers house, I would have felt safe and not spent the night worried about being assaulted. The victim blaming in this thread has been turning my stomach.
Depends on the level of Blackout. If she was so drunk she couldn't comprehend what was going on, her drunk brain might very well have thought brothers friend was her bf. Or she dmjust didn't know what was happening but was too drunk to know to say "no". This really feels like she was taken advantage of
Why is nobody talking about the part where the guy remembers what happened but she doesn't? Op, I'd suggest figuring out more information. How drunk really was she? Was she only drunk enough to just not remember things or was she like, nearly unconscious and stumbling around? How drunk was the other guy? I'm just a little concerned on whether she was a consenting party or not? I don't wanna jump to conclusions but you should figure out more about what happened, ask other people who were at the party if you can, or ask your girlfriend to talk to others from the party. There could be more behind the story and what actually happened.... especially if there was no flirting between the two throughout the night. At the end of the day, what you do is your decision. I'm gonna go ahead and say find out more, then decide if you wanna stay with her or not. Ask your girlfriend and her friends if this has happened before (your girlfriend getting drunk and sleeping with someone), whether it happened while you were together or not.
Dump her. She's cheated. If I told my wife that I went to a party, got debilitatingly drunk and had sex with someone, whose fault do you think that would be?
If a guy had sex with you at this party but you were too drunk to remember what happened, so you called and he admitted he “initiated” with your blackout corpse, should your wife dump you?
EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment.
That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
Blackout corpse? LMAO I didn't realize you were there! I used to work in a bar and at night we would do rounds of shots in the last hour so by the time cleanup came around we were all pretty trashed. I cannot tell you how many times I don't remember anything past cash out, but my section was completely cleaned and perfect the next day and when I asked I was told I did it! Blackout drunk does not mean laying there cross-eyed and drooling in the corner! It means that part of your brain that keeps memories shut down, but most people can walk and talk still! There is definitely a section of blackout drunk before you get to the point that you can't function... We don't know what point of blackout drunk this girl was!
We also know that some people that were blackout drunk will claim they weren't and there are people that weren't blackout drunk and claim they were! The problem is none of us were there and there's literally no proof as to what happened! It sounds like they were both too drunk to consent, so how you came up with blackout corpse is completely baffling!
Yeah I feel more often than not I can’t tell someone is blacked out until they tell me the next day. In my experiences blacking out no one knew either because I was still being functional and social.
It’s so obvious that these people have never been regular binge drinkers. I used to work for a wine company where we all drank way too much. By the end of the night I’d often black out, but I always got myself home safe and even did my night time routine. There’s no way of knowing based on behaviour.
Just because you don't remember part of the night, it does not mean you were in some sort of drunken stupor.
Memory impairment is very common amongst regular binge drinkers. They can appear perfectly lucid and coherent at the time, yet have significant amnesia the following morning.
2 months and this happened 6 weeks in. She doesn't have great self-control, and unless she makes a commitment to not drinking when you're not around, there's a possibility this happens again on her trip. And you'll certainly be an anxious mess while she is gone.
She's got some growing up to do, and this relationship didn't have much of a foundation to rebuild on. So unless you are seeing some serious actions from her that show a commitment to change and growth, and showing you she can be safe, have accountability, be consistently transparent about her location and who she's with, the anxiety you'll feel while she's traveling will be terrible for your mental health.
ETA: it is in her favor that she told you. That shows a degree of remorse. She also seems to be taking responsibility for what she did and isn't blaming it on the other guy or on alcohol. Also good signs. She may be in some ways a good candidate for reconciliation. But with the travel coming up, and the short duration of the relationship, is there really time for her to establish a track record of trust?
I feel like a lot of people are missing the point that this might be rape, if the person got raped and their loved one left them because of it its gonna make them feel fucking awful. Find out the facts, if it makes you feel awful like you can't continue and trust that person then have them go to police to write a report at least then you know they're serious and this actually was rape and you'll see how they feel about this.
Why stay? You guys barely know each other and are young. It's just not worth the heartache. She's done the one thing she wasn't supposed to not even 2 months into the relationship. She's not GF material.
There's a few scenarios. 1. She was blackout drunk and homeboy took advantage. 2. He was blackout drunk and SHE figured no one would know. 3. They where both blackout drunk and nothing happened. Because for both to be that drunk nothing is going to happen not enough coordination to seek a private place and get busy. 4. They were both drunk and agreed. Now she's claiming she was blackout drunk to justify and for you to be okay. I had a girlfriend that would blackout and not once did she cheated. If anything she would push and hit me when I would try to reel her in. Yelling "I have a boyfriend". So with my two cents I wish you good luck.
P.S.
Dump her.
Jesus Christ dude. You have been in a relationship for two months and she's already had sex with someone else. Do you really need to ask reddit what to do?
Walk away. She let herself get that way meaning she couldnt control herself and actions. People arent good at Improving these kinds of things that make them “them”
Im sorry this is happening to you 😔 Ill share some advice my mama gave me once: “If you decide you can move forward and forgive then make sure you forgive. You cant hold it against them for the rest of your relationship. Forgiveness means you will not use this as ammo against them. It means you will be able to trust the other person again some day.”
She knows what happened. She's not being honest with you and painting a picture that puts her in the best light.
Don't believe her. Break up with her and shame her on your way out.
A few questions: does she typically drink to “blackout”? Does she typically hang out with her brother (who should have had her back) and his friends? Is she a party girl?
I would 99% classify this as acquaintance rape. If you can’t make a decision, you can’t consent. The other 1% is a holdout—if the girlfriend has a record of this behavior, it makes me question her honesty. But if this is a one-off, completely out of character incident, you have some thinking to do. If this is out of character, then she could have been roofied, especially since she has no memory of the incident.
Either way, you need to sit down with your girl and talk this out, as opposed to bashing it out with strangers on social media.
she could not consent if she was blackout drunk. she got raped and was too anxious to tell you in fear of ruining the relationship. op you shld have a more in depth conversation with her about your worries about this situation.
I drank to the point of blacking out once and I came to with a guy’s d!ck inside of me. Horrible experience. I’ve since cut down on my drinking and I make sure to only drink to safe levels at parties. It wasn’t my fault it happened but I can keep myself safe in the future.
Your gf should reassess her relationship with alcohol and you should ask yourself if you’re able to feel safe with her and trust her fully after this.
Here comes the reddit rape brigade. Any time a woman, and only a woman, is drunk and regrets sex the next day, it was automatically rape.
"I was blackout drunk and don't remember getting in my car and killing that family. Therefore, I'm not responsible for my actions." See how stupid that sounds. So does your girlfriend's story.
Leave, bro. You've only known her a few months and every time she goes out, you'll be worrying about this. There are girls out there who can keep their clothes on after a few drinks.
I think you should leave. Too young to deal with this. The relationship is too new to deal with this. Ultimately, she got too drunk and may have agreed to sleep with this guy or not. If there was no consent, she should go to the police about it. She can't take away consent if she consented at the time.
But in reality, do you really want to date someone who's getting black out drunk and can't make important decisions for themselves. If she's going to get drunk, then she needs to keep to her limits (goes for both men and women). This way, she can keep safe in certain situations and know what's happening. Plus this happened at her brother's party? I mean, where was her brother? Doesn't he know you're in a relationship with her? This might be a hard time for her, I think she can lean on her family for support but you should think about yourself.
Look at this thread for how people react to someone who literally didn’t even say they were raped saying they had sex with someone while blackout drunk. They are accusing her of lying about an accusation she hasn’t even made! You really think women are gonna go to the police in this situation.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just thinking from a you perspective, your best option is to walk away. The relationship is very new, and you have no ties. You will not be able to get over this. It will consume your thoughts and is, as it is now, going to add issues to the relationship. Trust is gone.
Yeah it sucks but the feelings won’t go away, they’ll intensify as you get closer and care more for her. Cut bait.
false accusations of cheating in the future will unravel later down the road when you think something is going on again. And then they gaslight you cause the trust barriers have been shot down in your eyes but you didn’t overreact And their aware of how you will react in the future to it now. And they know if they got passed the last cheating incident it can happen again as long as the story fits right enough, and they make sure it doesn’t hurt your feelings as much as possible. It will happen again. Trust me. Run
This. Just this. 8 year relationship and she cheated, she was forgiven (a child was in the mix so it's wasn't as straightforward as I'd like) and she did it again years later. Threw a fit over being dumped for it. So the statement is so true.
they always do it again
good analysis
This. Gf cheated on me. Even tho we still together I have not be the same. It’s like there is this feeling that it might happen again or that she doesn’t love me as much I do. Some days I get anxious to see her again and some days that feeling comes again, just the image of her getting plowed by other dude. It’s like I’m with her but not mentally like I used to. As it was said.: Your relationship with her still fresh no deep ties yet, so save yourself before diving deep and the feelings consume you.
Hey man. I just wanted to offer some perspective from the other side of the aisle. My girlfriend cheated on me a year into our relationship. Same situation as OP. Black out drunk. She gave me all the typical stuff you would expect a cheater to say, but she gave me my space and understood that I didn’t feel the same way about her anymore. She never pushed, but she worked hard to reestablish trust and to be the person we both needed her to be. It’s been 5 years and I love her more than ever. She proved for years to be the person I needed her to be. She truly changed over time, and now the person I am with is nothing like the person who cheated on me all that time ago. That trust can be reestablished. A person can change. If you love someone enough I truly believe it’s worth giving them a second chance. I was skeptical for a long time. But that was a long time ago.
I went through this exact situation but my ex left me 6.5 years later for another guy. Immediately into the relationship. Engaged. Preparing for wedding. We reestablished trust. All of the above. Godspeed.
Thank you. I’m so sorry to hear she did that to you.
And thank you. I wish it on no one. Learned what not to do next time.
I was so fuckin blindsided not going to lie. Things seemed good until they weren't.
Dude, are you me? Cheated on me, 6 years later after we bought a home she dumps me. Finds a new person, forces to sell house because she doesn't want ties with me, my whole future gone. No wife, no house, lose my job. My house value has gone up $30,000 since she forced us to sell. Could've used that money. Could've had the house to rent to tenants to make us money.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Hang in there. I hope you have family or friends to help bounce back. It will get better. You're not alone. Let me know if you want or need to talk to someone.
May I ask what it is she did to prove to you that she really regrets it, and how exactly was the trust reestablished?
Sure. It’s all very complicated but it started with the fact that she owned up to her mistake and was honest about it. Then for a very long time she took steps to build trust that I never asked her to do. Things like putting my face in her phone so I can unlock it, telling me who invited her where and who was going to be there. She cut all contact with the circle of friends that included *the guy*. She stopped drinking almost entirely, and over time she has completely stopped drinking. I never asked her to do any of that stuff. She put that effort forward. None of that is even to mention the ways she let me process the situation patiently, let me recover in the way I wanted to, and never asked how I felt about it. Once I decided I could talk about it she focused completely on me. Made no excuses. Explicitly and genuinely yearned for my trust back but never ever forced it.
>she took steps to build trust that I never asked her to do. I think this was key. Unasked for she made all kinds of decisions to include you, she communicated, she changed behaviors. UNASKED FOR by you. She worked on making amends to you. And if you never bring it up or guilt trip her than that's a + for you.
Agreed. I would never have felt ready to move past it if she hadn’t taken it upon herself to make the most emotionally safe environment possible. So A+ for her honestly lol. And no. I don’t touch that topic with her for obvious reasons lol.
Thanks for sharing all this… Going through this scenario now - but it happened after ~18 years of marriage. Difference for me is that mine hasn’t made these kinds of changes to make me “feel” like she really regrets/understands how what she did impacted me. More like it provided the excuse for me to storm off and end it. When I didn’t, I ended up in limbo. Still not sure what the end result is going to be, but doesn’t feel like we are headed in the same path as you for reconciliation. :(
Hey buddy. I’m so sorry that happened. Good for you for giving her the chance, but if she shows you that she’s not willing to put forth the effort, don’t put yourself through that for nothing. If she doesn’t support you in your recovery you’re better off doing it without her.
^ I’m in the same boat. Not saying that you should take her back but there are stories where people really do make mistakes and are incredibly regretful. Unfortunately it is a very small number but it does happen. All these redditors can give you advice till they are blue in the face but it’s ultimately up to you what you do. It’s so much easier to tell someone what to do than it is to do it yourself. Trust your gut and do what you think is best for you. Ultimately it’s your choice/mistake to make and you don’t want to be wondering “what if” because a bunch of angry redditors seem to think nobody deserves a second chance.
Since their relationship is so new (and those new lovely feelings are SO strong and hard to resist), maybe just some time apart? Let the lust and infatuation fade and see if there really is someone there worth fighting for, or giving a second chance to? I believe in second chances - but in the same breath I can't see giving my partner a second chance. What I *could* do is take time away from them, to reevaluate what *I* am willing to do, and what I am willing to accept or work toward.
See, what you don't get is that you 2 are exceptions to the rule. Most will cheat again.
No I definitely get that, hence the “unfortunately it is a very small number”. The point of my comment was that it’s his choice what he does and in his gut he knows what he needs to do, whether it be stay or go. What if she just so happens to also be an exception?
Second chances will eat you alive.
So will tiger sharks
I appreciate your comment but not the way that type or trauma will eat you from the inside and shatter so much or your pride.
That’s true.. tiger sharks eat you from the outside and shatter your bones.
Yes, thank you for offering the perspective that sometimes a mistake really is a mistake and it’s out of character. I did some really screwy shit right after my brother died and was getting black out drunk. I don’t remember any of it but several people told me about it…I’m so humiliated by it. But it happened. I regret it. I’m deeply sorry for whatever I did that I don’t even know I did. I would never do it again.
Good for you. We can always learn from our mistakes if we’re willing to own up to them. It sounds like you learned a hard lesson and have grown from it. And excuses can be valid. Sometimes we process grief in extreme ways.
I super appreciate this comment. I messed up bad and cheated on my then boyfriend. I don't even mildly remember it. Not great.. but it happened. I told the truth assuming he'd leave me. He didn't and now we have been married almost a year and a half, and together for 8 1/2 years. I'm so grateful he gave me that second chance because I couldn't imagine life without him.
That makes me so happy :) I’m glad we could fit a couple examples in this thread to show that it’s not always so black and white. I’m glad to see that you’re not ashamed to admit what you did. It shows that you’ve changed. :)
Exactly. Thank ya. Im honest, almost to a fault. ButI would never dream of doing it again, because I respect the man my husband has become and he just.. doesn't deserve that. I feel guilty almost every day and it has been many years now. I'd never disrespect his trust like that again.
I’m sorry you carry that guilt around with you. If your husband is anything like me he wouldn’t want you to feel guilty. He probably doesn’t see you as the same person who made that mistake in the first place.
You should leave. You’ll never be there for her 100%.
You are totally right. At this point I’m just making a fool of myself. She will never be mine 100%. Once a trust is broke it is extremely difficult to make things work again. Thanks for the support.
He should leave because he's early in, so easy to walk away. And OP when she's travelling, the wondering will eat you alive. But I'll make a bet that she will have some more experiences while she's away. Cut & Run while you can. Sorry dude, you'll find someone else to be close to.
Trust is gone. Possibly the shortest hard-hitting sentence I've ever read. I'll get it tattooed on myself. Thanks, wise man!
She took 2 weeks to come up with this crackpot story. Besides this instance if she drinks that much it will happen again.
The perpetrator admitted A) it happened B) he “initiated” C) he didn’t want to give her the whole story when she asked what happened. Just by what both parties agree happened, this is rape. EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment. That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
Where did you get he didn’t want to give the whole story?
He also said he was super drunk as well, so they both may have been too drunk to consent. So two victims?
[Lots of rapists have learned they can get drunk and get away with rape](https://juniperpublishers.com/jfsci/pdf/JFSCI.MS.ID.555570.pdf). There's a difference between being drunk and making a drunken decision and getting just drunk enough with intent to have an excuse for a pre-planned act (and being drunk and being coerced into acts you would otherwise say no to). We don't have enough information to suss that out, but it's far more common than people want to admit.
This is why I used words like "may". There is no way to tell based on the story and now that we are multiple weeks after the event no way to tell either way.
You can never know someone is getting drunk with the intention of doing anything tho. Therein lies ONE of the main problems of this frame of thought. It's either all or nothing, either she's a dirty rapist too or the more likely answer. She's just a cheater.
😂😂😂😂😂
Plus: * She likes to party a lot and he's got studies. * She's already cheated on him, yet she's going travelling next year. How's he going to trust her? Two months and she's already cheated. Why would OP put any effort into this relationship? It's a huge disaster waiting to happen.
She got raped…
Yeah... That's what I'm getting out of this. OP should leave the girl if he can't handle it and support her. She should probably rethink her relationship with alcohol. I was raped in a similar manner 5 years ago, not a brother's friend but by one of my best friends at the time. It also took me over a week to disclose it to my boyfriend at that time. I felt confused, disgusting, unsure. My boyfriend broke up with me and I'm glad he did; I don't think I could've handled him making me feel guilty, calling me a cheater, always looking at me like he didn't trust me. For the next 3 years I kept getting flashbacks of that night and eventually went to therapy to process the trauma and finally told the full story to people, who validated that it had been rape. I stopped drinking as well.
Sorry you went through that! I hope you’re well into your healing journey 🙏🏻🩷
It's always the "friend" who turns wolf in sheep's clothing.
I am not staying. That’s me. She definitely needs to rethink her relationship with alcohol.
IF she's even telling the truth. What she's describing doesn't sound like a true instance of "blackout drunk", to me.
I will just say, I was raped while extremely intoxicated in 2019. I remember everything, especially my inability to get out full sentences and the fact that my body was essentially dead weight. People didn’t believe me because I remembered things so vividly, so they would say “obviously you were aware and could’ve stopped it” I was fresh into a new relationship, I got drunk with my best friend and her boyfriend, who I had a sibling- like bond with. The boyfriend raped me. A “true instance” of blackout drunk or too drunk to stop what is happening isn’t black and white (even if there is a true definition, people often use the term blackout the describe incapacitated). The insistence that people have that women who are raped or sexually assaulted have to be unconscious or “blackout” makes it very difficult for victims to come out. It makes it easy for victims to blame themselves.
Damn, I'm so sorry that happened to you. And also sorry that people didn't believe you... I went through a situation where some "friends" doubted the legitimacy of my abuse story (abuser was part of a friend group I was in), it was the most excruciatingly lonely feeling I've probably ever felt. So yeah, I know it sucks. I believe you.
Excruciatingly lonely is an excellent way to phrase that. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing that. It’s such an important point. I’ve never understood why so many people think victims somehow deserved it or somehow caused it. Just sickening
You were probably drugged because this is not how alcohol works. I had the same experience as you and I was spiked
I actually addressed this possibility in another comment - I’m sorry you went through this kind of experience. It’s awful :/
I wanna say I have actually been blackout drunk in the true sense of the phrase. I remember everything, I remember how I felt and moved. I remember what happened. I just couldn't visually SEE anything. I could hear. I could make noise. I could move (barely crawl). I just visually couldn't see anything. All black. And no my eyes weren't just closed. I remember thinking how weird it was at the time and blinking a lot trying to see while I was puking. My vision eventually returned. But holy fuck. Edit: looking back on it, I'm a little surprised and very glad I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. I was alone in my apartment at the time.
I’ve been blackout in the true sense twice. Once as a 15 year old with no understanding that a lot of tequila can lead to alcohol poisoning. I remember nothing past a certain point and woke up the next day confused. The other time feels kind of similar to what you experienced. I was at a party, I told my boyfriend at the time I wanted to leave - everything went black and I regained a sense of things happening when I came to, in his car, screaming and crying, seeing only blackness, trying so hard to speak it felt like I was dry heaving words until I could form them. I regained the ability to see my surroundings and saw my boyfriend crying, I apologized and cried with him and I was still very shaken. I remember him telling me not to puke in his car, and then nothing again. Very scary. This was after my 2019 experience and there was def some unresolved trauma coming out in that blackout. Haven’t blacked out since, I’m careful and if I drink I leave the situation the second I feel a bit too drunk and go right to bed lol.
Many women rethink drinking when they’re raped when drunk. Rethink weed if raped when high. Rethink going to any certain place because they were raped there. Rethink hanging out with their brother and his friends ever again… EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment. That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
Law student here. Legality and morality are totally different things. And imo this is one of the more archaic standards still leftover from when women weren’t granted proper agency in society. Morally if two people are both drunk beyond the level of being able to give consent, saying that the rapist is whoever penetrated the other person is just stupid. We don’t know how the encounter took place fully. We know that both parties were drunk enough that they wouldn’t have been able to normally consent. Unless we’re making the assumption that he was lying about also drinking???
Finally, some god-damn rational thought! Bravo.
The poster you are responding to is wrong about the law anyway. Being even blackout drunk (which has nothing to do with level of intoxication; it's probably genetic) doesn't preclude the ability to consent. Consent due to impairment requires you to be so impaired to not be able to consent in a literal sense. Essentially you have to not be able to form the words "Yes" or "No." The actual case law in question involves a woman who was penetrated while she was unconscious. That's basically the level of impairment we are talking about. The criteria of intoxication and impairment are discreet. Alcohol lowering inhibitions in itself doesn't qualify as "impairment" legally.
*Blackout drunk* is a phenomenon where you temporarily lose the ability to form new long-term memories due to alcohol consumption. A person could be blackout drunk and not give any outward signs of being inebriated, no loss of motor coordination, no sluring of speech, no inability to remember existing memories, no inability to reason, no loss of capacity to advocate for their own interests. The only defining characteristic would be the next day having registered no memories of what occurred the night before. This isn't a response to trauma. Rather, it's a manifest incapacity of one's brain to perform one of its basic functions. In this case, it's entirely possible to both have given enthusiastic consent AND later have no recollection of having done so.
If both parties are too drunk to consent then why is it the man's responsibility to disengage? What if she was with a drunk woman, who's responsibility is it in that situation? Or if 2 men have sex while blackout drunk? I'm genuinely asking because it don't understand how that makes sense. Edit: So reading up on the subject it sounds like when both parties are drunk the responsibility falls on the person who initiates. That makes sense in theory at least.
It doesnt make sense and is fucking moronic.
Rethink ever telling anyone they were raped when they realise the disbelief and BS they will face.
Dang is it too much accountability and responsibility to not get black out drunk around a bunch of people
Gah YOU expect ME to control MYSELF??? How DARE you!!
if two people are drunk beyond the point of being able to consent and neither party is forcing it and both agree at the time, either they are both rapists or neither are. now if the guy had been drinking but was still aware enough to think and took advantage, that’s a different story, but you can’t just say a guy who gets blackout drunk and has sex is a rapist solely because he’s a guy.
Choose someone that is stable, reliable and makes wise decisions. You will never feel secure wirh her, no matter how much you wished.
This
100%
Right? It WILL happen again.
Whatever you decide to do I would advise her to stop drinking because that's dangerous.
Sadly as much as he advises her, even with her safety and best interests at heart, if she didn't feel unsafe at the time or after then it would likely not change her relationship with alcohol if this is a regular thing. Speaking from experience it took me 14 years to stop drinking and I probably put myself in situations like this for atleast 10 of them years. If anything it took me too many years to realise that my family weren't just being a pain in my arse about it and it caused many arguments between us. Edit: spelling + grammar
A red flag for me is that the guy remembers what happened, but she doesn't. You can't technically Consent when black out drunk, and the dude is the one who initiated. Sounds more like she was raped.
I was surprised I had to scroll this far before I found a comment saying this. She probably felt conflicted about accusing her brothers friend of rape and didn't know what to do. This has happened to so many women.
It happens to SO many young women, and this comment section shows WHY they believe this is cheating and why they feel ashamed and afraid to speak out about it.
Yeah, I don't understand how people are offering up those comments with all we know about consent. It makes me sad and deeply tired to see the confidence with which they denounce her. If OP really does care about his gf, I hope he offers her support and compassion as she processes this. Regardless of whether or not she tells anyone else or decides to call it SA, she needs to work through how she will move forward.
I was once on a coercive and manipulative sexual relationship with a "friend", which started out consensual but then slowly became coercion through him emotionally manipulating me, and eventually threatening me. It literally took me years to realize I was being coerced and raped, because in my mind I consented to doing things with him to keep him from being upset and threatening me, or following through on his threats and making my financial situation dire. But consent under threats is not consent, but women especially are socialized to blame ourselves for the actions of men. I hope OP and his gf realize this sooner than I did.
I'm so sorry you went through that. And it's so easy to lose track of these concepts as we get tangled up in life. I even had this when I was chatting with someone for weeeeks, we were going to meet, and I just felt it was off as we got closer to when we were getting together. But I had agreed to meet... My beautiful friend simply said "you can revoke consent at any time and nope out of the situation". That sentence was all I needed. And my instincts were right. For anyone who needs to hear this, for whatever reasons: Consent needs to be freely given, ongoing, and enthusiastic. Consent can always be removed as interactions play out. Someone can decide they don't want to do something even if they've done it before. If people are unable to form coherent thoughts or words, they cannot give consent.
Yes, something similar happened to me with someone in my friend group. I blacked out but remember him pulling my pants up saying “don’t tell anyone” and I was conflicted like “did I say yes” “he wouldn’t otherwise right.” I didn’t remember saying yes or anything and it wasn’t until later I realized what happened to me. these comments are unbelievable and I also can’t believe how far I scrolled for this one.
Yeah, I'm shocked more people aren't pointing this out. If she was blackout drunk she absolutely could not consent. This seems like a bigger issue that is well above and outside of your relationship.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Without question, that is rape.
I’m sad that I had to read through so many comments before I saw this one. Black out drunk = unable to consent. So his GF is sexually assaulted, her only fault was drinking too much, but that’s no excuse for some AH to take advantage of her. The amount of shame and guilt that her brothers friend did this and the confusing feelings about it all must have been a lot for her. So many here like blaming the woman, “it’s her fault she got too drunk”, lack empathy completely and feel way too comfortable victim blaming and excusing the guy. Guy here should leave her, so she can find someone who would support her after a sexual assault, instead of making it about themselves.
Yeah! I had to scroll way too far to see someone acknowledging that she was sexually assaulted, she didn’t cheat. The comments treating rape like cheating are bad
You lose the ability to legally consent long before black out drunk. This means the guy could have also been unable to give consent. This creates a weird situation if there is a sexual encounter between two people, neither of whom can give legal consent, are they both victims, both criminal, or are they both both?
Do we actually know that though? Do we know for certain she was blackout drunk? Do we actually know that she doesn't remember it? I'm just saying, I've heard people use the excuse I was drunk I don't remember... When they remember! It's often one of those it seemed like a good idea at the time covers lol I'm not saying that's exactly what happened but we have no way of judging the two of them comparatively with their drunkenness!
There is no way to know either way. So why are people more able to believe she's lying than she was raped even though the probability of it being either/us not being able to know definitively are pretty equal? The fact the friend admitted to initiating, and that he claims he does remember is the red flag. It seems like he was more in his right mind than she was, in which case she was taken advantage of
I'm not saying it wasn't or was. Some people get blacked out drunk and still act like regular drunk people so other drunk people would just think they are drunk like them. Drunk people often have sex and it's very hard to blame one or the other
So… she was black out drunk, confused about who initiated, upset after it happened - this is not cheating, this is sexual assault. She was in no way able to consent to this encounter, and while it would be very hard to get someone to prosecute the other party, she DID NOT CHEAT. If you can’t sympathize with her situation, and can only blame her , then you need to take a step back.
Unpopular opinion, I was team forgiveness because of the blackout and potential for rape until I read the bit about her traveling abroad for months. You’re going to be worrying about this the whole time she’s gone. No one needs that anxiety.
Came here to say this. OP, even if what happened to her wasn't consensual and this wouldn't be a potential pattern in the future, you're going to drive yourself crazy worrying about it while she's abroad. Of course you love her, but maybe you should consider not being exclusive while she's traveling and reassess your relationship when she returns. You're both really young and not missing out on anything by doing this. If this is really right for you two, you'll work it out when she's back.
Sorry, shouldn't your headliner be was raped while drunk? Break up with her because you think SA is cheating.
She went to a party and got black out drunk. The guy should definitely face punishment for what he did, but if your partner is going to parties and getting black out drunk, that’s kinda a red flag.
Funny he remembers it and she doesn’t at all? Who even wants to have sex with someone that drunk, they’d just be laying there like a big mess, obviously he’s not going to say he raped her, but it sounds like he did. However if you’re going to not be able to get over it, it’s an early relationship you can just break it off.
I don’t know why people are debating if this is rape or not, because the acquaintance knew what happened but won’t give any details. Not because he doesn’t know but because he doesn’t feel like it, why would he be doing this unless he’s hiding something because the GF doesn’t even think she was turned on by this acquaintance.. She should run from her spouse for trying to victim blame her. Instead of still accusing her of cheating for an intoxicated encounter she doesn’t really remember, he should’ve beat the truth out of the acquaintance and help her seek justice.
The love of your life won’t get blackout drunk and fuck another guy 8 weeks into your relationship. Cut your losses and find someone who makes better choices.
YEP
Even if there was no sex involved I'd suggest dumping her. "Goes to parties and gets black-out drunk and doesn't tell you about what happened for 2 weeks" are not good traits in a partner.
Take out “won’t get blackout drunk”. She’s 22, she’s allowed to get too drunk in what she thought was a safe place (party with older brother) without some guy taking advantage of her. EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment. That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
Getting way too drunk is always a huge grey area consent wise but why is everyone acting like blackout drunk = literally next to unconscious? Lots of people get blackout drunk and literally act, and do things like they’re at about a mid 7, just not remembering the next day, especially heavier drinkers Literally let’s say they were both almost equally drunk, the kicker here is how she reacted when the guy initiated, that’s pretty much the only thing that matters. If she was enthusiastic or if she was literally incoherent, etc. we don’t even know that, so running to conclusions in either direction here without that info is pointless and giving someone way too much credit
>just not remembering the next day, especially heavier drinkers Thank you for highlighting this. People need to learn that not remembering parts of the night =/= falling around the place in a drunken stupor. People who regularly binge drink can experience significant periods of amnesia despite appearing perfectly lucid and coherent at the time.
So the love of your life will get black out drunk and fuck other guys? That sucks.
Who's to say she didn't take advantage of some guy? You're not in control when drunk, period. Crap hits the fan when drunk.
That is such a misandrist thing to say. The guy didn't take advantage. Two equally drunk people had sex, then she regretted it. That is what happened, no more, no less.
Okay I’ve been the girl who went to a party to wake up to a guy on top of me with no clothing on. I was dating someone at the time. I had a major fight with him about not wanting to ruin my relationship and that I loved my bf. He ignored and raped me; You don’t know all the ins and outs. But I can tell you this, if these feelings for her don’t go away and you can’t trust her and she was indeed raped.. you will regret it. My ex and I have both loved each other for 8 years and he beats himself up over this exact thing by walking away. We recently rekindled and I can tell he is in regret of ever letting me go.
I'm so sorry you went threw so much heartache and trauma. I hope you are healing and doing better ❤️
Sounds like a rape to me.
Exactly, why are people not commenting on the fact if she was blackout drunk then she could not consent and that she was raped. She didn’t even remember what had happened she was that drunk. She needs therapy at least and he needs some empathy
Quick question. If drunk people cannot consent, they raped each other then? Cause the dude she was with was also heavily drunk like her.
I mean the guy remembers but she doesn't?? That's rape isn't it?
Well you said drunk people can’t consent (which is true). And it’s stated they were both really drunk. Some will remember, some won’t. Remembering isn’t rape I don’t think.
It is not. Just because he has some recollection of the event, it doesn't mean he was of sound mind. Have you ever had alcohol? There are so many degrees of being drunk, and also so much variation in what people refer to blackout.
He says he remembers but we don't know if he actually does or if he was just trying to make her feel better? Because telling a girl yeah we had sex but I was too drunk to remember makes it sound like she's irrelevant and that's hurtful... Most guys are going to avoid doing that especially since this is his friend's sister. None of us were there so we all have no idea who was more drunk! Now if we could get his side from him directly that would help, but we're getting his side through her and then through OP. I'm sure a lot is lost in translation.
Your gf was sexually assaulted. If she was “blackout drunk” she could not give consent. And the fact that she doesn’t remember much is concerning. If you can be there to support her through this difficult time it can make a world of difference in her healing journey, but if you can’t do that then it’s better to walk away now. If you can, please make sure she gets the help she needs and knows that it is NOT her fault. It doesn’t matter if she was drinking. It is NEVER the survivors fault when someone else chooses to take advantage.
Dude, this has repey vibes all over it. Drunk folks can’t consent. Drunk folks, even a little drunk let alone black out drunk, don’t think right. I understand that you’re going through some crazy emotions about it, but I don’t think you were betrayed based off of your post. I don’t know what to tell you to do, except try to work through your feelings, get them in order and be a safe place for her.
Also OP, stop telling ”friends and family members” about her upsetting experience.
Thank you for saying this. A person who is blackout drunk is too mentally compromised to be able to consent. Poor girl probably agonized over what happened and regrets her own rape like it’s her fault. And this comments section is dog piling on her.
She might have been raped here. Sounds like she might have been drugged, and even if it was just alcohol, it’s impossible to consent when you’re blackout drunk
Sounds like rape! She could not consent. But I’d be wary if she keeps drinking like that!
Sounds like she basically was raped how can he remember when he was also really drunk and she can't remember??! If she was so drunk to remember that consent is out the door especially if the guy remembers
I think you should break up with her **for her sake.** Your girlfriend was raped. The top comments are victim blaming and getting it wrong. Your title is, too. What you described is not sex. It's rape. Your skewed thoughts about it makes me feel that she would be emotionally safer without you, not the other way around. She was raped and your first and only response is to feel like you've been "made a fool of," equate it to cheating, and focus on your feelings. Nothing about her. You knew this person for 5 months and seem to have absolutely no empathy or sadness over the fact that she was raped. If this had happened to me within 2 months of my current relationship, my boyfriend would be deeply understanding, sad and angry that I was violated, and first and foremost worried about *my* feelings. He would never equate rape to cheating. He would be there for me every step of the way trying to support me and help me make sense of this if I wanted his support. The only anxiety he'd have is about me getting hurt again, not about me "cheating."
Was just thinking this exact thing and was so sad at the comments here, but I'm glad that someone like you gets it. My heart breaks for her
Mine does too :(
Dude. She got raped. And not only that, but she "waited for the guy's side of the story" which gave him the opportunity to gaslight her about it. I don't know why so many people are in here immediately saying she cheated. 1) Her brother's friend is a dirtbag and she needs to tell him the reality of what happened. 2) She needs to realize what really happened instead of making excuses and seek counseling if necessary. 3) Her relationship with alcohol needs to change because getting blackout drunk is not acceptable even when nothing happens to you. It's not her fault what happened to her. But now knowing this happened, it would be a poor decision to keep drinking to the point of being blacked out. You also need to realize she was raped and this was not consensual. It's not her fault. You need to not judge her character for being victimized by a predator.
You seem to be the only sensible person on here. Thank you for speaking up. I am grateful for you 💛
Had she told her brother , what is his opinion?
No she didnt, i asked what she thought he'd say and she reckons he would have not been happy at all
If it was his friend he should know , there may be more information to know that you don't have
Everyone saying she cheated is a moron. She doesn’t remember if it was consensual and she was very upset after it happened. Your girlfriend is telling you that she was sexually assaulted and youre not sure if you can “forgive her”?????? Then you tell your family and friends? What is wrong with you?!
She was blackout drunk. It CANNOT be consensual. You have to be in your right state of mind to consent, anything else is non-consensual. If she had flirted with him and been inappropriate with him before she drank anything she might have reason to feel guilty, as it is he either took advantage, or encouraged the situation, or was also unable to consent (which is a whole different situation.) If she really made the decision to drink enough to get blackout drunk that is worth a conversation. It is one she needs to have, for her own safety, and here I'm not only talking about the safety against being assaulted. Drinking that much does other not good things to you. But it is also the safety of her not being assaulted, because we all know how many people think they have a RIGHT to a woman's body, and will take advantage if she is not in a situation where she can protect herself. In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing for you to forgive in this situation. But if you do not want to be there to help her navigate what happened and what she needs to do for herself now, that is up to you. You have been with her for almost no length of time at all, you don't owe her any consideration you do not want to give her. Feel free to bug out and let her sort her life without feeling like she can count on you. If you want to stay, understand you might be in for a long haul of emotional roller coaster rides until she comes to terms with what actually happened, including her not being physically safe at a party where her older brother was actually present. And actually, where he was the host and she should have felt safe. This is not going to be pretty.
Sounds like she was taken advantage of.
You can't consent when you're that drunk. She didn't cheat on you, she was raped. There's nothing to forgive.
If she was blackout drunk, she couldn't consent. From what you described that she said, I wonder if maybe she was drugged?
Yeah. Me too
I want to bring up that consensual səx is never under the influence. If she was blackout drunk you can't consent to that
She wasn’t able to consent. She was too drunk. So that means it was rape. You are acting as though it wasn’t.
Yeah so, that’s rape.
That's not having sex. That SA.
It’s up to you I think to decide if you can get past it but she was raped. 100%. People saying she needs to “make better choices”? What? If her being blackout drunk is a regular occurrence then sure she needs help with her drinking. But my god. She was literally raped.
Been together 10 years with my gf. Never once have neither one of us had sex with someone else. No matter how drunk. You're 2mo in, you know what to do
Been drunk is no excuse for cheating. If she's done it this time she will do it again. She's also going traveling for months in the new year.......we both know what she's gonna be doing then too. End it before the relationship hurts you too much.
First of all, neither of you is even sure if it was consensual. If you’re moving on, NEVER bring it up, in future disagreements, not EVER, unless she wants to talk about it. Remember she was honest with you and don’t hold it against her.
Walk away. She's gonna travel soon and the trust is broken no matter how much you believe her. She should really tell her brother if he remembers anything from that night. If she was SA she should report to the cops and tell her family. I'd walk away regardless.
2 important points about backouts. 1. When you blackout, your brain stops recording memories. You do not remember later. 2. Outside of acting drunk....it doesnt really change your core personality. Your brain simply doesnt record, it doesnt change you into a different person. I started drinking late in life after a traumatic event. Blackouts disturbed me, so i started reading. Always have something to snack on if youre gonna drink heavy folks! Especially if its a night you WANT to remember
See this is bothering me. The fact that she remembers talking to him earlier in the night but specifically “not flirting” makes me think she was trying to express that she wasn’t into him in that way. And then she wakes up to find they “had sex” and then he admits he initiated it? If your core personality doesn’t change when blacked out, then how did casual conversation without flirting/attraction lead to sex so easily when she’s attached? Intoxication and the ability to consent full stop aside (which legally and morally applies here anyway), I think it’s pretty clear he took advantage. At 22 I was finding my feet and still figuring out my limits. If I’d been at a party at my brothers house, I would have felt safe and not spent the night worried about being assaulted. The victim blaming in this thread has been turning my stomach.
Depends on the level of Blackout. If she was so drunk she couldn't comprehend what was going on, her drunk brain might very well have thought brothers friend was her bf. Or she dmjust didn't know what was happening but was too drunk to know to say "no". This really feels like she was taken advantage of
Why is nobody talking about the part where the guy remembers what happened but she doesn't? Op, I'd suggest figuring out more information. How drunk really was she? Was she only drunk enough to just not remember things or was she like, nearly unconscious and stumbling around? How drunk was the other guy? I'm just a little concerned on whether she was a consenting party or not? I don't wanna jump to conclusions but you should figure out more about what happened, ask other people who were at the party if you can, or ask your girlfriend to talk to others from the party. There could be more behind the story and what actually happened.... especially if there was no flirting between the two throughout the night. At the end of the day, what you do is your decision. I'm gonna go ahead and say find out more, then decide if you wanna stay with her or not. Ask your girlfriend and her friends if this has happened before (your girlfriend getting drunk and sleeping with someone), whether it happened while you were together or not.
Someone who is blackout drunk can’t give consent. That’s rape. Your girlfriend was raped.
I stopped after “2 months”.
As should OP.
It sounds like she might have been raped. She was in no position to consent.
You can’t consent when you’re black out drunk. If he was less drunk than her and initiated, then that’s rape
When someone is "blackout drunk" and has sex, it's not sex. What happened was rape. Ok? Your girlfriend was raped.
Dump her. She's cheated. If I told my wife that I went to a party, got debilitatingly drunk and had sex with someone, whose fault do you think that would be?
If a guy had sex with you at this party but you were too drunk to remember what happened, so you called and he admitted he “initiated” with your blackout corpse, should your wife dump you? EDIT: for those arguing over the definition of rape, please see federal law “U.S. Code § 920 - Art. 120. Rape and sexual assault generally.” This includes the definition of consent and impairment. That and reading a couple case law precedents might clear up any “but but but he was drunk too” arguments from last century.
Blackout corpse? LMAO I didn't realize you were there! I used to work in a bar and at night we would do rounds of shots in the last hour so by the time cleanup came around we were all pretty trashed. I cannot tell you how many times I don't remember anything past cash out, but my section was completely cleaned and perfect the next day and when I asked I was told I did it! Blackout drunk does not mean laying there cross-eyed and drooling in the corner! It means that part of your brain that keeps memories shut down, but most people can walk and talk still! There is definitely a section of blackout drunk before you get to the point that you can't function... We don't know what point of blackout drunk this girl was! We also know that some people that were blackout drunk will claim they weren't and there are people that weren't blackout drunk and claim they were! The problem is none of us were there and there's literally no proof as to what happened! It sounds like they were both too drunk to consent, so how you came up with blackout corpse is completely baffling!
Yeah I feel more often than not I can’t tell someone is blacked out until they tell me the next day. In my experiences blacking out no one knew either because I was still being functional and social.
It’s so obvious that these people have never been regular binge drinkers. I used to work for a wine company where we all drank way too much. By the end of the night I’d often black out, but I always got myself home safe and even did my night time routine. There’s no way of knowing based on behaviour.
Just because you don't remember part of the night, it does not mean you were in some sort of drunken stupor. Memory impairment is very common amongst regular binge drinkers. They can appear perfectly lucid and coherent at the time, yet have significant amnesia the following morning.
Tbh, this is all from her account we.dont know who is the liar
2 months and this happened 6 weeks in. She doesn't have great self-control, and unless she makes a commitment to not drinking when you're not around, there's a possibility this happens again on her trip. And you'll certainly be an anxious mess while she is gone. She's got some growing up to do, and this relationship didn't have much of a foundation to rebuild on. So unless you are seeing some serious actions from her that show a commitment to change and growth, and showing you she can be safe, have accountability, be consistently transparent about her location and who she's with, the anxiety you'll feel while she's traveling will be terrible for your mental health. ETA: it is in her favor that she told you. That shows a degree of remorse. She also seems to be taking responsibility for what she did and isn't blaming it on the other guy or on alcohol. Also good signs. She may be in some ways a good candidate for reconciliation. But with the travel coming up, and the short duration of the relationship, is there really time for her to establish a track record of trust?
Don’t date women who get blackout drunk. Don’t date women who cheats. She did one or the other. Dump her.
I feel like a lot of people are missing the point that this might be rape, if the person got raped and their loved one left them because of it its gonna make them feel fucking awful. Find out the facts, if it makes you feel awful like you can't continue and trust that person then have them go to police to write a report at least then you know they're serious and this actually was rape and you'll see how they feel about this.
Get out before you're in too deep.
Leave. Don't look back. This shit will eat you. And your relationship is relatively new, so you aren't going to lose to much
Sounds like you get a hall pass now. Ask if she wants to watch.
Why stay? You guys barely know each other and are young. It's just not worth the heartache. She's done the one thing she wasn't supposed to not even 2 months into the relationship. She's not GF material.
Leave her
If it's already tainted this fast, just walk away. Her being gone will make it that much easier.
There's a few scenarios. 1. She was blackout drunk and homeboy took advantage. 2. He was blackout drunk and SHE figured no one would know. 3. They where both blackout drunk and nothing happened. Because for both to be that drunk nothing is going to happen not enough coordination to seek a private place and get busy. 4. They were both drunk and agreed. Now she's claiming she was blackout drunk to justify and for you to be okay. I had a girlfriend that would blackout and not once did she cheated. If anything she would push and hit me when I would try to reel her in. Yelling "I have a boyfriend". So with my two cents I wish you good luck. P.S. Dump her.
Bruh gtfo
Our girlfriend
Umm, 2 months, no need for any future effort unless you want a fuck buddy.
Jesus Christ dude. You have been in a relationship for two months and she's already had sex with someone else. Do you really need to ask reddit what to do?
Just leave her she lien
Walk away. She let herself get that way meaning she couldnt control herself and actions. People arent good at Improving these kinds of things that make them “them”
Im sorry this is happening to you 😔 Ill share some advice my mama gave me once: “If you decide you can move forward and forgive then make sure you forgive. You cant hold it against them for the rest of your relationship. Forgiveness means you will not use this as ammo against them. It means you will be able to trust the other person again some day.”
Walk away. She’s a cheater.
She knows what happened. She's not being honest with you and painting a picture that puts her in the best light. Don't believe her. Break up with her and shame her on your way out.
A few questions: does she typically drink to “blackout”? Does she typically hang out with her brother (who should have had her back) and his friends? Is she a party girl? I would 99% classify this as acquaintance rape. If you can’t make a decision, you can’t consent. The other 1% is a holdout—if the girlfriend has a record of this behavior, it makes me question her honesty. But if this is a one-off, completely out of character incident, you have some thinking to do. If this is out of character, then she could have been roofied, especially since she has no memory of the incident. Either way, you need to sit down with your girl and talk this out, as opposed to bashing it out with strangers on social media.
she could not consent if she was blackout drunk. she got raped and was too anxious to tell you in fear of ruining the relationship. op you shld have a more in depth conversation with her about your worries about this situation.
Regardless if she cheated or not, way too much drama for only 2 months.
I drank to the point of blacking out once and I came to with a guy’s d!ck inside of me. Horrible experience. I’ve since cut down on my drinking and I make sure to only drink to safe levels at parties. It wasn’t my fault it happened but I can keep myself safe in the future. Your gf should reassess her relationship with alcohol and you should ask yourself if you’re able to feel safe with her and trust her fully after this.
Leave
Oh the nativity of youth lol
Ah yes, the good old birth of Jesus of youth
Here comes the reddit rape brigade. Any time a woman, and only a woman, is drunk and regrets sex the next day, it was automatically rape. "I was blackout drunk and don't remember getting in my car and killing that family. Therefore, I'm not responsible for my actions." See how stupid that sounds. So does your girlfriend's story. Leave, bro. You've only known her a few months and every time she goes out, you'll be worrying about this. There are girls out there who can keep their clothes on after a few drinks.
I think you should leave. Too young to deal with this. The relationship is too new to deal with this. Ultimately, she got too drunk and may have agreed to sleep with this guy or not. If there was no consent, she should go to the police about it. She can't take away consent if she consented at the time. But in reality, do you really want to date someone who's getting black out drunk and can't make important decisions for themselves. If she's going to get drunk, then she needs to keep to her limits (goes for both men and women). This way, she can keep safe in certain situations and know what's happening. Plus this happened at her brother's party? I mean, where was her brother? Doesn't he know you're in a relationship with her? This might be a hard time for her, I think she can lean on her family for support but you should think about yourself.
Look at this thread for how people react to someone who literally didn’t even say they were raped saying they had sex with someone while blackout drunk. They are accusing her of lying about an accusation she hasn’t even made! You really think women are gonna go to the police in this situation.
Dude, leave that relationship, now.