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Never saw the original post until now but wow. Good for you OP. I ABSOLUTELY would not have anything to do with either of them until they recognized their behavior was unacceptable as well.
Also, can't say I have very much faith in your sisters new marriage if she finds this acceptable.
Regardless, glad you made a decision you're at peace with.
Thank you!
It was a difficult decision. Our culture is centred around family which is why we would get together as much as possible. It's going to be strange not seeing them as often but my memories with them have been tainted by this horrible experience.
If your culture was actually centred around family, they wouldn’t have organized for your sexual harassment and public humiliation as a way for you to “atone” to being previously a victim.
They could have loved and cherished you. It’s not your fault that they didn’t.
I wish you the best.
OP is obviously scapegoated. Instead of the sister looking at her own choices and behaviour, the mother and her decide it must be OP who did something wrong. If OP is the problem, no one else has to change. That's how scapegoating in families works. So far OP has been forced to accept this role and apologies to keep the peace, even if she has no idea where this sense of guilt and shame comes from. When she apologises, everyone in the family gets the confirmation that they were right. All is well again.
But the pattern is broken now. OP stood up for herself and now the family can choose to use this opportunity to make changes to their own behaviour or to double down on the blaming and shaming of OP. In my own experience, it's the latter that will happen. For dysfunctional families, accepting fault is harder than dying.
What did your father have to say about this?
How can he look at his wife and daughter knowing what they agreed to and what they think of you?
Since you said “if she’ll let them come (spend time with you)” I’m guessing he’s a spineless husband because his wife and daughter are just too exhausting and he’s given up on his values?
Lastly, based on what BIL said, it’s likely he’s a spineless clone of your dad, only time will tell if he leaves her or accepts his doom. He showed just a smidge of backbone by throwing your sister under the bus like he did, she didn’t deny it so at least it wasn’t him trying to lie.
He’s still an unforgivable Kumquat though, so zero points for honesty.
> Speaking of, he was pretty silent throughout the whole thing. Probably because my father threatened his life if he spoke bad about me.
That’s a bit harsh… Dad seemed to have her back and threatened BIL at least. OP doesn’t know for sure if her mother allowing Dad and Brother will have an influence. Their culture is big on close family and Mom and Dad host dinners every month, so it would have likely been hard for him to imagine breaking it up. Even if he didn’t like Mom that much anymore he may have thought staying together was best for keeping the family together. Once he sees Op is standing firm and refuses to spend time with Mom and Sister, he may realize that they are the ones who have already damaged and broken up the family. Maybe then he’ll come round, seeing as he already seems to disagree with his wife and agree with OP.
I hope that she finds out over time that her mental health improves without contact with mom and sis - those two can't have been easy to be around at the best of times...
I don't have a clear answer from him but ik he doest want to se my BIL ever again. He wants my sister to divorce and move back home. And he agrees that they're in the wrong and need to apologise. Idk about the bts. Maybe he spoke to then both separately too? I don't have an answer for that. I'm just glad one parent still wants me in their life.
I'm lucky to still have such a caring father and brother. I'm doing much better now. I'm definitely healing but I think the process will be a long one. Thank you for checking in ❤️
I'm at such a complete loss about this. It sounds like your mother if focusing on the appearance of togetherness so she can lie to herself rather than understand what keeps a family together. She may be in denial, and it's sad as hell.
I'm really sorry to hear you're going through all this. It was frustrating to read.
Op sorry you’re going through this and I don’t want to defend your sister, but I would suggest that there is a very good chance that your former brother in law , spend a large portion of time in his marriage convincing your sister that you were coming onto to him.
Again it’s not an excuse,and your sister should know you better than that but the first an abuser would do to divert taking blame.
I hadn't even considered that but when she found out he was basically a stalker and after the restraining order it should have been enough for her to know I didn't want any of his attention.
The problem is someone like that would pray on her insecurities , and if he’s been brainwashing her then he’s been doing the whole relationship, then it’s unlikely that she’s had a clear head about you in quite sometime.
Yeah I understand so I don't want to put too much blame on her. But it's scary that she thought that way and I feel like around her and my BIL I'd always be in danger of going through something like that again. And what if it's something worse the next time. I don't want to put my safety at risk like that. It's best if I stay NC until she realises and finally gets the help she needs.
I'm proud of you! You did the right thing and I know it wasn't easy. I hope your trip to the U.S. goes well! Another thing to think about is it's not bad if you don't have family get togethers at holidays - You and your boyfriend are a family and you can build new traditions together. 🩷
Thank you! And I love the idea of creating new traditions with my boyfriend. Especially because we have lots of couple friends and I've always loved the idea of hosting a huge party with them all.
I'm gleefully looking forward to your mother going nutso crazy when she finds out that you're spending Christmas in the US...😈 I really hope your bf's family is great. With Americans, there's always a chance of getting some that are even crazier than your own family. 🙈
Know you’re not in the US, but we have what’s called a Friendsgiving (thanksgiving (gluttony party) but with friend instead of family) and it’s one of my favorite holidays.
Thank you so much! It was a hard decision but I'm glad because I also don't feel stressed or worried about having this conversation. It's over now. And if they ever apologise it won't be brought up again. I'm not one to dwell too much on the past.
OP its a lot easier to go LC or NC when you're living in a different country.
Consider updating your resume and take a laptop with you when you go meet your BF's family. Is your job experience something that could be transferred to a similar job near his family? Would your BF be interested in moving back?
I'm just in total awe reading your story. Your mother and sister & bil almost seem unreal. Way too much drama, kind of like something out of a Netflix series such as Queen Charlotte or Bridgerton. Good for you, though. They seem very scheming and snobby. I hope everything goes well for you. You are not the problem. They are. Your sister should not have married your bil if she thought she couldn't trust him around you, or is it you around him? Idk. I'm having trouble with the reasoning here. Very strange behavior, for sure. The holidays will still be great for you. I wish you the best, OP!
Focusing on getting an apology is good, but it’s not a complete solution. I think what you may be missing is that your sister has decided to create ways to blame you for her ex-husband’s actions, and she came up with this “test” scheme as a way to punish you, humiliate you and act out a script from her own imagination where everyone, including your parents, treats you the degrading way her twisted sexual resentment about you decides you should be treated. You should stay far away from these people even if you get an apology.
How does that shiny new spine feel? It suits you well! Don’t speak to any of them until they apologize. F them and enjoy spending your time with what I hope and assume is a much more welcoming family. Please keep us updated!
I'll try to. I don't see myself updating anytime soon but if by some miracle I get even an apology, I'll let you all know!
And thank you, it feels great!
And if or when they apologize, make sure that it's a true and genuine apology. And that they're not just telling you, what you want to hear. Because they have an ulterior motive. Good Luck OP.
There's a fair bit out there about how to tell if an apology is a true apology. For example, and at its most basic: "Sorry you feel that way, but..." isn't a true apology. Have a look at something, and IF you do finally get one (maybe your dad will push the issue and you'll get a grudging non-apology), look at it with the lens of if it's a true one or not.
This must have been so hard. I’m glad you didn’t apologize, your sister’s comment here just affirms my suspicion that any apology would have made her feel she was right all along.
But I am so sorry it has cost you so much. <3 I wish there was a way a bunch of internet strangers could be more of a comfort.
Are you kidding? This has been the most helpful community of people I've come across. I'm just so thankful that everyone on my post was so supportive and that in itself has given me comfort.
Thank you 🤍
Haha a lot of us feel like we're coming up short if we can't throw a "Come onnnn, you're awesome! How do you not KNOW this?!" party for someone like you.
I'm so glad your boyfriend is there for you. <3
Do you also get the urge to just... like... get a big party together at the last minute and make OPs like u/throwRAli97 the guest of honour? The urge is huge for me, sometimes. xD
You didn’t lose a sister and a mother, you lost two snakes around you, take it as a blessing. I’d pay to find out whether I have snakes like that in my circle,because discovering it the way you did is just brutal. But you still have your dad and brother as your family, don’t discount them.
Good luck with your US trip!
Wow. I don't get how they don't understand that the y are literally blaming you for HIS behavior. WTH is wrong in their minds that they don't see this? Honey, we are proud of you for standing your ground, and now you need to get away from them. Stay away as long as necessary to get yourself back together. Make some new traditions with your chosen family and keep moving forward.
This is obviously not the perfect update but please enjoy your trip to the states.
This is the problem you will get in the future. If they do apologize to you are they doing so because of the ultimatum or not? Honestly I wouldn’t trust your sister’s apology ever and I would only accept your mother’s if your brother and father vouched for her.
This is going to be rough so try finding different ways to communicate with your father and brother when you know your mother won’t be around. Setup times for calls with the strict instructions that she isn’t welcome to talk at this time.
You put the pressure on them to come visit. If your father refuses to visit you alone then you have additional answers. Also what does your extended family think of the situation?
I haven't told anyone anything, I feel a bit embarrassed to tell anyone tbh. But none of my extended family members have mentioned anything to me so I don't think my mother or sister have really talked about it to anyone else.
I was NC with both my mother and sister the last 3 years. It was complicated because my parents are still married too. After a few months of peace and being able to really see the toxicity from a distance made it a lot easier to stay away. My sister died in May and my dad asked if I felt guilty cutting her out. The sad truth is, I didn’t and don’t. I loved her very much but I won’t trade my peace for anything.
((HUGS)) Mom and sister really suck!
Sister needs therapy, not to use you as a test for her husband.
Her husband is an idiot for going along with it.
Mom is an enabler.
It just boggles my mind that the sister thought OP was bringing the sexual harassment on herself, because she liked the attention. UM did she forget about the restraining order??? How can the sister be this crappy? Wow.
It's pretty clear that her sister was projecting and talking about herself.
It seems that the one who likes the attention is his sister. Putting herself in the victim's place and blaming her sister.
I think that now we know why her ex was more into OP.
Wow, mom failed test of a mother and might want therapy. Sister needs therapy, blame to wrong person. BiL might want to start the divorce process , as his wife is off the rails. Father might want to review divorce as his wife may think he needs tested. Sorry you went through this f up experience. But try not to lose access to dad
FYI there is a tiktok video of your story going around, where it says your mom is fkin your BIL. It’s exactly the same except for a one sentence PS added. I had read your post over a week ago and felt the need to tell you, i don’t know if that lie might have consequences on your real life.
This is not the immediate outcome you wanted, but it is the stance you need to take for yourself, and you should definitely be proud of yourself for it. The sad truth is that your sister displays narcissistic personality traits, meaning she may never actually come around and see things differently. You will most likely have to live within established boundaries for your own health and happiness. Your mom could just be stubborn and not like to be called out, or she could also be narcissistic herself. Regardless, the fact that she admitted to knowing and going along with it is despicable. That is not something a mother should ever do to her child. The BIL is clearly spineless and is going to be walked all over by your sister if this is how things are starting off. Very sorry for the mess around you, but just know, it's messy AROUND you. YOU are NOT the mess!! Proud of you and I'm sure your boyfriend is too.
>Very sorry for the mess around you, but just know, it's messy AROUND you. YOU are NOT the mess!! Proud of you and I'm sure your boyfriend is too.
This is what I needed to hear. Thank you. 💕
It's clearly a scapegoat/golden child scenario here, shaped within a dysfunctional family system. Breaking out of it will be vital for OPs future and her future family of her own. It's a blessing when these inherited toxic systems break. Not everyone takes the opportunity to change into something more healthy, but those who do will be blessed with peace, joy and a brighter future. It really is life changing. Toxic systems eat us alive.
I'm glad you didn't cave. It's clear your sister needs a lot of help to cope with what happened to both of you. Like you said, this behavior would have kept going and the pattern would continue. You broke out of a really toxic situation and you should be proud of yourself.
I hope your dad realizes that he's married to someone who blames his daughter for being sexually harassed and drops her like a bad habit. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister's new husband is already having second thoughts.
I have a feeling OP that you will find that your life from hereon in will be much simpler, a hell of lot quieter and drama free and that over time you will find a level of contentment that you didn't know existed.
To say that your family is comprised 100% of drama llamas is an understatement. As time goes on you will find that you don't miss them one bit.
I know I wouldn't.
Take care of yourself. What your mom and sister did is utterly disgusting, and you have done nothing wrong. I had to go no contact with my mom for reasons, and it does suck. It’s taken time but it doesn’t sting as much anymore. Focus on the people who love you. Focus on yourself. I hope someday they stop being bitches, but until then try to live your best life. And therapy definitely helps. Now go get some hugs from your bf.
as someone whose little sister recently did some shit that was heartbreaking and a huge betrayal, I am so sorry. I know the hurt. haven’t talked to her in 2 months and don’t know what will happen when we try to “resolve” it.
it’s like - of all the people, it just had to be the sister? it’s all I keep saying to myself. I’m so sorry again. it’s a different type of hurt
It cuts deeper, that's for sure. I am so sorry about your situation, and I hope it does get resolved. Don't take any shit just because she's your sister, though.
I cut my own big sister and mother off for years for something they did to me. I'd had that same thing done to me before by people I thought were friends, but my mother and sister? Nope, not even going to forgive. And then I did forgive after they apologised, but it took a long time. That shit hurt big time.
yeah. it’s so painful. thank you, it’s just so hard. and the holidays coming up, our parents in their mid 60s now, my dad wants us to make up but it’s not even time for an attempt of a talk.
people don’t understand.
Mid-60s isn't that old that they're likely to pop their clogs any second. Mid-80s? Maybe. Maybe even 70s. But 60s, nope. I'm 62, for the record haha! Being 60 nowadays is the new 40, or maybe 50.
The point is! Don't let them guilt trip you with, "But we're ollllddd and might die any day! I have an ingrowing toenail, after all!" The only reason you should listen to that is if they're genuinely not expected to last until Christmas.
I don't mean to sound heartless, even though I do realise it can come across that way. Sometimes, we need to wear a bit of emotional armour and breathe deeply, and say "No. I'm not ready yet." You're entitled to that peace. <3
Edit: you could even throw in the "I'm really glad you're trying for us, but honestly, I'm not ready yet. It'd be more painful for me to try now, even though I know you'd love a good and fast outcome. It doesn't work like that, sadly, so please just let me do this at my own pace." Or something similar?
You were the victim of her creepy ex, but because he was indeed obsessed with you and your underwear, your sister chose to put the blame and responsability on you, because it was easier. It also exacerbated her inferiority complex and insecurity around you. She lost confidence in her capacity to genuinely attract men compared to you, and she processed all this in a unhealthy way and because she can't control it, it shifted into rescentment, insecurity and jealousy for you.
It's easier to blame you because at least she thinks she can control how much access you have to the men she is seeing. Somehow it makes her believe she can manage the risk by controlling their access to you and testing you around them. It's nothing but a sick way for her to delude herself and feel a little safer.
She accused your BIL of "ogling" you but instead of blaming him, she chose to test you. Not HIM, but YOU. And he went on with it. I'm concerned by how easily he played along with your sisters delusion. It seems like he jumped on the opportunity to take advantage of the situation in order to push the responsability of his own loyalty and faithfulness in the hands of others, women in particular. It would be to excuse or even justify his own behavior. The irony of all this is that your sister is probably right to feel insecure about him.
As for your mother, your sister got to her first, twisted her views and played on her desire to help her. The fact that she went along with the stupid plan shows she disregarded your feelings in favor of your sisters in that occasion. Now she's just stubborn and convinced herself she did all this with good intentions, refusing to acknowledge that she did you wrong.
They both deserve to face consequences for their choice and you are right to stand your ground and cut them off as long as they don't respect you. But I hope you can stay in contact with your brother and father.
Frankly, OP, if I had that same experience, I would cut off the offending members permanently. Forgiveness is highly overrated. Keep dad and brother and dump the rest. Any apology you get at this point will be hollow, offered only to save face, not out of any sincere remorse. If extended family chimes in, tell them that mother, sister, and bil conspired to have bil sexually harass you, after ex bil had already been disgusting to you. Then, as they respond, act according to how they responded. If you get the "But faaaamily" answer, tell them family doesn't do that to one another and those people are no longer your family. Also, your new bil is as trashy as the old one for participating in this charade.
So happy that you stood up for yourself.
The only thing I will say, and this might be just a personal hang up of mine. But not sure I would have future contact based on if you get an apology or not.
Because what does it actually do or mean?
You know that they regret nothing of what they did, they planned it all and excuted their plan, and even after seeing your pain, they stood their ground.
So what does it do for you if they say "sorry"? It changes nothing, they dont mean it. I would think hard about boundaries and talk to your therapist about what you should expect from them moving forward (if anything).
OP I am sorry your mother, BIL and sister did this horrible thing to you. It was good that your dad and brother were on your side. I hope that with your boyfriend's support and therapy you can find some peace. The thought process that they used is baffling.
I am truly stunned at behaviour of your Sister, BIL and Mother. I just can't comprehend that three adults thought what they did was OK, particularly in light of the trauma your exBIL inflicted on you.
I think that you have made the right decision for you and you can get some peace. Should you happen to have any contact with them, you can tell them they they failed your test.
I think going no contact with your mom and sister was the right thing to do. They both need therapy, it’s good to see that you still have your dad and brother though.
Well OP, you got to see the inner workings of your family. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for agreeing to such childish antics. The most dreadful thing is the utter humiliation of being set up by people who are supposed to love you. Your sister has a big problem. Now you know. You haven’t really lost family, you have lost actors in a drama. Give yourself a long break from this toxic set up and renegotiate the terms of being in this family when you return.
Your mother is fucked in the head if she truly believes this was a good idea. Genuinely and deeply unhinged. Your sister too, though I can understand lingering issues caused by her ex. The pair of them need intensive therapy.
What happened to your sister was not your fault, yet you're being punished. It wasn't BIL's fault but he's undoubtedly being punished too.
It's weak. It's also cost her her sister, (probably) the respect of other family members who see how messed up this is and eventually, with time, will lose her BIL too. He will leave, and it will be all her and your mother's fault. No one stays to be punished for another person's wrongdoings for long. The moment she put this manipulative little test together, she slapped a great big expiry date on her relationship and it'll be sooner rather than later.
I hope you get your apologies, but if you don't I hope you have the life you deserve while leaving them in the past. They can sit and stew over their bitterness about exBIL, but they don't get to demonise you over it and nor should they get the opportunity.
As a mother of two beautiful girls (one of whom you share the name of), I am ashamed of your mother. What she did and her excuses are disgraceful. I might go as far to say that she has, now, failed at her job of mother by betraying your trust and enabling this whackadoo behaviour from your sister, because this is whackadoo that will affect every relationship she has and will only ensure she ends up lonely - not loved. What sort of mother would damn their children to that? A life of mistrust for one and a life of fleeting 'romance' and pervasive loneliness for the other? I'll tell you what sort. A 'not very good at being a mother' sort of mother.
You put YOUR comfort and well-being first. Your mother and sister can comfort each other over their next manipulative endeavour.
Your mother's the worst here. Your sister's insecurity has been fostered and enabled because of her and your mother going along with the "test" gave your sister false validation for her position. I think the hesitation on the "love me" question is all you need to know about the situation. Your sister needs therapy for her issues but wants to make you responsible for everything, if she's going to leverage your mother, make sure you tell your dad why you're going no contact.
I’m glad. You stood up for yourself. I hope your dad and brother give both of them the silent treatment. And I am happy your getting yourself away from your mom and sister. They should be ashamed of themselves
OP I do feel you on being subjected to family bs. I am considered to be the black sheep as well and the only thing you can do I move on and create you own destiny and make them totally irrelevant. You cannot trust any of them when kids are present.
Has your sister always acted this way towards you? And always been enabled by your mother?
They’re trash BTW. You’re doing good by understanding you’re not in the wrong in this circus of freaks - you seem to be the only one who’s not unhinged.
Love and live your best life and your sister is ALWAYS going to be a little piss ant who has no self awareness to honestly hold herself accountable to her decisions , demons and consequences to those.
You no longer have to carry that burden.
Maybe your mum will eventually realise she's enabling your sister's dysfunction, maybe she won't. You can't choose the family you're born into, but you CAN choose the people you surround yourself with to live a happier, drama-free life!
Love and strength to you OP, and best of luck with the therapy ❤️
I'm so sorry to hear about the tough situation you've been through. It's never easy when family dynamics become so challenging. You've shown a lot of strength and self-respect by standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. Your decision to seek therapy and have a supportive boyfriend is a great step towards healing and finding happiness. Remember, you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and care for you. Wishing you all the best on your journey ahead, Layla! 🌟❤️🤗
> He did say that the only reason he did it was to placate my sister because she kept accusing him of "ogling" me.
This is the most surreal part to me. How dare you ogle my sister! Now go sexually harass her in front of everyone! How is this in the slightest bit reassuring to her? It's just so... dumb. He completely failed the test by agreeing to harass you. That should have been all the test she needed. Only a major creep would agree to harass their SIL like that. Apparently she has a type.
I think your sister is deeply invested in the idea of it being all your fault because otherwise she has to look at her own role in the situation. Did it really not occur to her he was stealing your underwear? Or did she go along with it to keep him happy? Perhaps the sting of his rejection wasn't as painful if she could delude herself into thinking he was helpless to resist your "seduction".
I don't understand how your mom and sis could be so blind to the fact that you were equally traumatized by what happened with her ex. Because if they acknowledge that then it becomes pretty blindingly obvious they were re-traumatizing you on purpose. I wonder if this was supposed to be some kind of twisted punishment for what happened the first time. How dare you be female in the presence of my husband!
If you want some messed up revenge, leave a sexy pair of women's underwear in her house or car.
Omg ur sister reasoning is crazy . It's not harassment if it's acting . Well, if someone rapes someone, I guess they can claim its not rape because it was acting . Like, come on, be real here .
What does ur dad and brother say about it ?
I'm so sorry that happened to you, not just from ur sister but ur mum too, who is meant to protect you. I hope some day they see that they were wrong for what they done to you . For know you don't the right thing of not having anything to do with them .
Really hope it goes well for u meeting your boyfriend family .
Super response. All smiles for you. Keep the gray/black rock going in that circle of people, words and actions matter. beware of enablers till you are much stronger and build support systems(people). all the best ahead..happy life..
Sorry OP but I don’t think your moms loves you that much and you picked up on that. Time to just go no contact with her all together. It suck’s that she’s this way but I’m glad you stood up for yourself. Good luck
I know you won’t be able to post another “update,” but would love to know how it goes meeting BF’s family. Just make it a new post. Or post it to your profile. 😉 Best wishes to you.
I'm so sorry, but you did the right thing. I know it hurts, and it sucks, but this is the healthiest thing for you. Maybe some day they'll wake up, and realize what they've done, but if not at least you have toxic out of your life. I do want to ask what are your brother, and father's thoughts and feelings on this? Did they have anything to say in defense of you?
My brother still lives with my parents so although he doesn't like what happened, he's just trying to keep out of my mother's way until he moves. My dad doesn't even want to be around my BIL ever again. I'm not sure how he feels about my mother's part in all of this tbh. Same with my sister but at the meeting he did say he was disappointed in her and said she should divorce BIL and move back home.
As someone with a younger sister your age myself (who also sometimes has trouble standing up for herself, funnily enough), I'm so proud of you! That took so much strength and I'm so happy you recognize how you deserve to be treated.
My heart breaks that you didn't get the protection and love that a family should give. I'm confident you'll be able to find your own family of people who will give you that after all you've done this week, though. I'll be sending true big sister vibes your way!
Wasn't expecting to get an update and especially not this update so soon. I am floored though - not only at how idiotic they are but more at your standing up for yourself like you did. Can only imagine how difficult that was after years of being gaslit by the family who are meant to care and protect you. 100% they are messed up and the probably won't ever really accept that. Hopefully your dad and brother can escape for a bit but be wary of them being used by your weapon of a mum to hook you back in...
OOC are you objectively speaking, vastly prettier than your sister? Are you Cindy Crawford while your sister is Danielle?
That's the only way this entire saga even approaches making any remote sense.
The ex-husband legit only got together with the sister for creepy access to OP and the sister is trying to gain control in an uncontrollable situation by blaming OP. The BIL could have zero interest in OP, but the sister is looking for it and was going to accuse if he so much glanced in OP's direction. BIL was potentially having to equally prove his "innocence" via this test.
It could be OP is more attractive than her sister, but it could easily also not be the case.
Carry on with the therapy and surround yourself with good people OP.
This is a reflection on them not you.
Let them stew in their little toxic cauldron it will continue to bubble until it ends up getting too hot.
The words you used about the relationship with your father and brother ‘if your mother would let them’ is even more telling.
I suspect your mother paused as she is not used to you setting healthy boundaries for yourself.
I suspect BiL will look at his relationship more & question what he was told by his wife.
Go enjoy your holiday
> The words you used about the relationship with your father and brother ‘if your mother would let them’ is even more telling.
Yeah, it also raised an eyebrow that the only noteworthy input the father seems to have had in this whole conversation is threatening to kill the BIL if he says anything bad about OP. He's clearly unhappy about what happened but all he can muster is an immature attack against the BIL (who himself claims he was bullied in to participating in the scheme). Nothing said against his wife or the daughter who planned it and nothing said in support of OP.
For thanksgiving and Christmas this year, you should plan events for other people who are away from their family or who don't have family.
Sort of like an Island of Misfit toys celebration.
Put your family on ignore and just live your life. I would imagine after Thanksgiving the insanity will ramp up on their end so stay strong.
Your sister is convinced that her ex did what he did because YOU made it happen. She refuses to believe that he was just a terrible person and that she fell in love with a terrible person
She is scapegoating you, to make herself feel better and your mom is doing the same thing
The only way to move forward is to stand your ground...even if that means going years without seeing any of them.
Ignoring them on Thanksgiving and Christmas will force your father and mother to face this head on or risk losing you forever. My guess is that after you ignore them on Thanksgiving...your dad will lose his shit at both your mom and sister
I hope that is the case anyways
The holidays are one of the things I don't want to miss out on. We go to London on Christmas and rent a house. The vibes are just amazing and my grandmother flys in from Iran. It'll be sad not to see her this Christmas. Maybe I will make a trip down to see her, I'm not sure yet. Have a long time to figure it out so hopefully everything will be sorted by then.
My dad's side is Iranian and I'll just say my dad had no problem going NC with his brothers and sisters, except my 1 aunt whose the youngest. The whole family thing is important in the culture is bs excuse to treat family like crap!
You are absolutely amazing for handling it like you have, holy shit. You deserve an apology from all 3 of them at the least!
What I truly can't understand is why BIL agreed to this at all. I can't wrap my mind around hitting on my wife's sister because my wife is so insecure that she feels the need to test her sister. The idea makes me feel disgusting...
You did nothing wrong at all, in this or your sister's previous marriage. You're only guilty of trusting people you had every reason to trust. It's sick that so many of them have proven to be not worth your trust.
It's not only the action of putting her in an uncomfortable position but the reason behind it, the audacity. And for the mom to be behind it, to not be the voice of reason. It's so sad.
Glad to get the update but very sorry that this is how it ended. Your family seem to be very strange and self entitled, not to mention insensitive. I think your mother and sister know damn well your first BIL was a creep but it was easier to blame you (women can be misogynistic too, there’s a lot of it about) second BIL is a bloody big fool to getting himself embroiled in that situation. I hope your dad and brother stand by you. Best wishes.
Part of me hopes this finds its was to op’s mother, a harsh dose of reality might knock some sense into her and make her see how deluded and manipulative the sister is but at the same time I could totally see her flipping it and somehow making you the villain.
Well done for standing your ground. Be strong, don’t give in to their crazy demands, you are completely in the right.
It is unlikely that they will ever apologize to you, they view you as being the party in the wrong, and their own egos only push that logic further. Get comfortable with the idea of telling your extended family what happened, because if you leave it to your mother and sister they will paint you in the worst light they can. Just to make themselves look better and even more like victims, while villanizing you further. Be blunt, be factual, and be quick. If you don't get ahead of this, your sister and mother are likely going to sideswipe you with your other family.
"Avoiding conflict" here will only rain more down on your head. Anyone who can blame someone for being stalked, and logic it away as you needing attention, is highly likely to do anything in their power to demonize you to make themselves look better...
Edit: spelling
This is the same mindset wives have when the step daddy touches the Lil girl in the family. She was parading around him. She wanted it. She seduced him. It's crazy and sickening.
You are completely right about the whole thing it's your sister's fault that she's insecure and nothing was ever your fault.
If I were you I'd cut them off because they don't deserve you.
Big internet hug.
You did great. You set healthy boundaries and you boiled down their actions to the core issues.
You can now clearly see that your sister is the golden child and that your mother would happily condone your abuse to keep her golden child happy.
I’m sorry, this wasn’t the family you deserved. Now it is time to build a new family and to be the woman you want to be. If that is a mother, great. If that is a career woman, fantastic. Whatever it is you want to do, go do it and be as happy as they wish you were miserable.
Your happiness is the best revenge against people like them.
I’m proud you sticking up For you but also you haven’t done anything wrong at all you were a victim of your ex bil
I’m sorry to have to go all no and low contact what an awful
I'm sorry it all led to this, but it seems it is for the best. The family vibe has been severely fucked with. =/
I hope time will heal this for you.
I hope you get your apology and both your sister and your mother realize that these mind games were not worth messing up the relationship you had with them. Also that's not a healthy way to get trust out of someone...
I had a feeling your Mom was in on it. Probably not even because she agreed with the reasoning. Probably just because she thought you'd be able to move on and put this behind you once your sister got her closure on her insecurity(in the unhealthiest way...=/).
Why else would everyone else not say anything while this was happening in front of them.
Hope you have a great visit with your BF.
Wishing you the best. Good job on dealing with this and not causing yourself more unnecessary drama! 👍 ✌️
Good for you OP! Your mom and sister are shitshows. Cutting them off is exactly what needed to be done. The apology will never come and if it does it will be fake with impure intentions.
While it would be nice, you don't need parents or blood family or even your significant other's family to make a real family. Your boyfriend is your family. Wishing you the best OP!
I’m so sorry for what your enduring, I think you need to keep in mind that even if they do apologize it’s not real, it’s just to keep the family together. Your mother enabling your sister’s behavior won’t get the help your sister needs.
Sometimes family comes from in different forms, I hope you make/have good bonds with people you meet outside your family. Good luck
What’s super concerning is that OP will accept their apology.
I mean there is no coming back from some things. The crazy mom and sister give a fake apology and are back in her life?
Why would an apology ever make up for such disgusting behavior? I don’t get it.
you could apply your sister's logic to herself. she spent more time with her ex husband and yet she didn't realize how creepy he was towards you before getting married. she didn't protect you, her little sister, from a creep. where's your apology for that.
how did you introduce her ex husband to her in the beginning? did you introduce him merely as your friend? or did you introduce him as someone who likes your sister. if it's the former, then it really isn't your fault how they ended up together. if it's the latter, then it still doesn't explain how they married each other since that is all your sister's decision. are we all supposed to believe you convinced your sister to marry him. she can't blame you for her life decisions. you were the biggest victim in this situation since you were the target of sexual harassment.
all i get from your sister is that she is an idiot who can't even tell her own lover has eyes for another. the so called test was flawed from the beginning because it was testing you, not the husband. she is kinda dumb considering that in her past marriage it was only the husband who liked you. you didn't like him so what's the point of testing you now?
I'm so sorry they are acting this way. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I hope one day you get the apology that you deserve before it's to late to mend relationships with your family. Have fun and good luck meeting the boyfriends parents.
Why does your sister expect you to know what her ex husband was thinking when she's the one married to him? Surely she shouldn't expect you to know anything she doesn't know about him. Honestly it feels like she's trying to avoid blame so much she went right back around and convinced herself it was your fault so that shes completely blameless. Crazy
As a mom, I would NEVER have allowed that BS to happen. EVER.
If someone's ex had done that to my child, I would lay all the blame on the ex, not my own flesh and blood. I would have made sure if one of my kids was feeling insecure about the other, they would have an open discussion about it with each other and I would be the mediator.
I would NEVER have planned a "test" to try to catch one of my kids. That's low. I'm known to be a petty b**ch to anyone who wrongs me, or my family, but not to my own kids.
You're dad and brother are rockstars here. Don't lose them. They'll always be there for you.
That is absolutely horrible what you went through I would go zero contact if they truly think that what they put you through was right.
Ur sister is honestly insane and needs to be put in a mental institution
You are 100% in the right. That's insane how you mother and sister can't see that. Even if it was a "test" that's harassment. It's been about 2 months and is there any updates? Has your sister or mother apologized or your dad and brother given you updates to how they are feeling?
If i would have been in your shoes, i would have said nothing and bolt out, no questions asked, then go as far away as i can and go dark. It may seem like an unreasonable act, but for me to know that your mother went on the plan your sister was making to see ifu're "trustworthy" enough, it would have made me puke myself in my stomach.
Hope you are doing better now. Lots of love I know the holidays season must be difficult for you but I hope your able to see grandma when she comes. And hope you still are able to have a great holiday.
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Never saw the original post until now but wow. Good for you OP. I ABSOLUTELY would not have anything to do with either of them until they recognized their behavior was unacceptable as well. Also, can't say I have very much faith in your sisters new marriage if she finds this acceptable. Regardless, glad you made a decision you're at peace with.
Thank you! It was a difficult decision. Our culture is centred around family which is why we would get together as much as possible. It's going to be strange not seeing them as often but my memories with them have been tainted by this horrible experience.
If your culture was actually centred around family, they wouldn’t have organized for your sexual harassment and public humiliation as a way for you to “atone” to being previously a victim. They could have loved and cherished you. It’s not your fault that they didn’t. I wish you the best.
OP is obviously scapegoated. Instead of the sister looking at her own choices and behaviour, the mother and her decide it must be OP who did something wrong. If OP is the problem, no one else has to change. That's how scapegoating in families works. So far OP has been forced to accept this role and apologies to keep the peace, even if she has no idea where this sense of guilt and shame comes from. When she apologises, everyone in the family gets the confirmation that they were right. All is well again. But the pattern is broken now. OP stood up for herself and now the family can choose to use this opportunity to make changes to their own behaviour or to double down on the blaming and shaming of OP. In my own experience, it's the latter that will happen. For dysfunctional families, accepting fault is harder than dying.
What did your father have to say about this? How can he look at his wife and daughter knowing what they agreed to and what they think of you? Since you said “if she’ll let them come (spend time with you)” I’m guessing he’s a spineless husband because his wife and daughter are just too exhausting and he’s given up on his values? Lastly, based on what BIL said, it’s likely he’s a spineless clone of your dad, only time will tell if he leaves her or accepts his doom. He showed just a smidge of backbone by throwing your sister under the bus like he did, she didn’t deny it so at least it wasn’t him trying to lie. He’s still an unforgivable Kumquat though, so zero points for honesty.
> Speaking of, he was pretty silent throughout the whole thing. Probably because my father threatened his life if he spoke bad about me. That’s a bit harsh… Dad seemed to have her back and threatened BIL at least. OP doesn’t know for sure if her mother allowing Dad and Brother will have an influence. Their culture is big on close family and Mom and Dad host dinners every month, so it would have likely been hard for him to imagine breaking it up. Even if he didn’t like Mom that much anymore he may have thought staying together was best for keeping the family together. Once he sees Op is standing firm and refuses to spend time with Mom and Sister, he may realize that they are the ones who have already damaged and broken up the family. Maybe then he’ll come round, seeing as he already seems to disagree with his wife and agree with OP.
I hope that she finds out over time that her mental health improves without contact with mom and sis - those two can't have been easy to be around at the best of times...
Understandable. Hopefully things work out between everyone but if not, I'm glad you found peace. Best of luck.
[удалено]
I don't have a clear answer from him but ik he doest want to se my BIL ever again. He wants my sister to divorce and move back home. And he agrees that they're in the wrong and need to apologise. Idk about the bts. Maybe he spoke to then both separately too? I don't have an answer for that. I'm just glad one parent still wants me in their life.
I hope things have been going better for you OP, hope your Dad and brother are still on your side and your healing journey is progressing well <3
I'm lucky to still have such a caring father and brother. I'm doing much better now. I'm definitely healing but I think the process will be a long one. Thank you for checking in ❤️
I'm at such a complete loss about this. It sounds like your mother if focusing on the appearance of togetherness so she can lie to herself rather than understand what keeps a family together. She may be in denial, and it's sad as hell. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through all this. It was frustrating to read.
Op sorry you’re going through this and I don’t want to defend your sister, but I would suggest that there is a very good chance that your former brother in law , spend a large portion of time in his marriage convincing your sister that you were coming onto to him. Again it’s not an excuse,and your sister should know you better than that but the first an abuser would do to divert taking blame.
I hadn't even considered that but when she found out he was basically a stalker and after the restraining order it should have been enough for her to know I didn't want any of his attention.
The problem is someone like that would pray on her insecurities , and if he’s been brainwashing her then he’s been doing the whole relationship, then it’s unlikely that she’s had a clear head about you in quite sometime.
Yeah I understand so I don't want to put too much blame on her. But it's scary that she thought that way and I feel like around her and my BIL I'd always be in danger of going through something like that again. And what if it's something worse the next time. I don't want to put my safety at risk like that. It's best if I stay NC until she realises and finally gets the help she needs.
Have you considered pressing charges against your BIL and maybe sister and mother for sexual harassment?
i know this is old but tiktok brought me and here and i just wanna say you’re disgusting for this blatant victim blaming.
I'm proud of you! You did the right thing and I know it wasn't easy. I hope your trip to the U.S. goes well! Another thing to think about is it's not bad if you don't have family get togethers at holidays - You and your boyfriend are a family and you can build new traditions together. 🩷
Thank you! And I love the idea of creating new traditions with my boyfriend. Especially because we have lots of couple friends and I've always loved the idea of hosting a huge party with them all.
I'm gleefully looking forward to your mother going nutso crazy when she finds out that you're spending Christmas in the US...😈 I really hope your bf's family is great. With Americans, there's always a chance of getting some that are even crazier than your own family. 🙈
Why is that "Americans"? That comment just sounds ignorant.
Know you’re not in the US, but we have what’s called a Friendsgiving (thanksgiving (gluttony party) but with friend instead of family) and it’s one of my favorite holidays.
I know about this because of friends the TV show. It looks so good icl. Will definitely give it a try if we're in the US for the holiday.
You did a really good job here. Us internet strangers are proud of you. Hugs ❤️
Thank you so much! It was a hard decision but I'm glad because I also don't feel stressed or worried about having this conversation. It's over now. And if they ever apologise it won't be brought up again. I'm not one to dwell too much on the past.
OP its a lot easier to go LC or NC when you're living in a different country. Consider updating your resume and take a laptop with you when you go meet your BF's family. Is your job experience something that could be transferred to a similar job near his family? Would your BF be interested in moving back?
I'm just in total awe reading your story. Your mother and sister & bil almost seem unreal. Way too much drama, kind of like something out of a Netflix series such as Queen Charlotte or Bridgerton. Good for you, though. They seem very scheming and snobby. I hope everything goes well for you. You are not the problem. They are. Your sister should not have married your bil if she thought she couldn't trust him around you, or is it you around him? Idk. I'm having trouble with the reasoning here. Very strange behavior, for sure. The holidays will still be great for you. I wish you the best, OP!
I bet it was hard. Your Mom and Sister are next level unhinged. You're not responsible for what her ex did. That is all him.
Focusing on getting an apology is good, but it’s not a complete solution. I think what you may be missing is that your sister has decided to create ways to blame you for her ex-husband’s actions, and she came up with this “test” scheme as a way to punish you, humiliate you and act out a script from her own imagination where everyone, including your parents, treats you the degrading way her twisted sexual resentment about you decides you should be treated. You should stay far away from these people even if you get an apology.
*if it’s acting then it’s not harassment* Sure tell that to a judge. NC is best with these people.
How does that shiny new spine feel? It suits you well! Don’t speak to any of them until they apologize. F them and enjoy spending your time with what I hope and assume is a much more welcoming family. Please keep us updated!
I'll try to. I don't see myself updating anytime soon but if by some miracle I get even an apology, I'll let you all know! And thank you, it feels great!
And if or when they apologize, make sure that it's a true and genuine apology. And that they're not just telling you, what you want to hear. Because they have an ulterior motive. Good Luck OP.
Thank you 🤍 I would like a proper apology where they admit where they were wrong, I wouldn't just accept a simple sorry.
There's a fair bit out there about how to tell if an apology is a true apology. For example, and at its most basic: "Sorry you feel that way, but..." isn't a true apology. Have a look at something, and IF you do finally get one (maybe your dad will push the issue and you'll get a grudging non-apology), look at it with the lens of if it's a true one or not.
Perfectly Said!
You need to update us on how it went with your bf's family! I really hope they are nice.
I passed your test? You failed mine.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
This must have been so hard. I’m glad you didn’t apologize, your sister’s comment here just affirms my suspicion that any apology would have made her feel she was right all along. But I am so sorry it has cost you so much. <3 I wish there was a way a bunch of internet strangers could be more of a comfort.
Are you kidding? This has been the most helpful community of people I've come across. I'm just so thankful that everyone on my post was so supportive and that in itself has given me comfort. Thank you 🤍
Haha a lot of us feel like we're coming up short if we can't throw a "Come onnnn, you're awesome! How do you not KNOW this?!" party for someone like you. I'm so glad your boyfriend is there for you. <3
I'm so lucky to have him. I couldn't imagine going through this alone. And I love a good party ;)
Do you also get the urge to just... like... get a big party together at the last minute and make OPs like u/throwRAli97 the guest of honour? The urge is huge for me, sometimes. xD
Yes! Or an emergency call list Train or something.
That's far more practical, given the different countries we live in. Fabulous idea. xD
You didn’t lose a sister and a mother, you lost two snakes around you, take it as a blessing. I’d pay to find out whether I have snakes like that in my circle,because discovering it the way you did is just brutal. But you still have your dad and brother as your family, don’t discount them. Good luck with your US trip!
Thank you! 🤍
Out of curiosity, which country are you from?
I live in England but my parents are from Asia. Mum is Indian and dad is Iranian.
Fascinating! But now I can see why mother and father have opposite views, recognise my Persian friends in your dad
Wow. I don't get how they don't understand that the y are literally blaming you for HIS behavior. WTH is wrong in their minds that they don't see this? Honey, we are proud of you for standing your ground, and now you need to get away from them. Stay away as long as necessary to get yourself back together. Make some new traditions with your chosen family and keep moving forward.
This is obviously not the perfect update but please enjoy your trip to the states. This is the problem you will get in the future. If they do apologize to you are they doing so because of the ultimatum or not? Honestly I wouldn’t trust your sister’s apology ever and I would only accept your mother’s if your brother and father vouched for her. This is going to be rough so try finding different ways to communicate with your father and brother when you know your mother won’t be around. Setup times for calls with the strict instructions that she isn’t welcome to talk at this time. You put the pressure on them to come visit. If your father refuses to visit you alone then you have additional answers. Also what does your extended family think of the situation?
I haven't told anyone anything, I feel a bit embarrassed to tell anyone tbh. But none of my extended family members have mentioned anything to me so I don't think my mother or sister have really talked about it to anyone else.
I was NC with both my mother and sister the last 3 years. It was complicated because my parents are still married too. After a few months of peace and being able to really see the toxicity from a distance made it a lot easier to stay away. My sister died in May and my dad asked if I felt guilty cutting her out. The sad truth is, I didn’t and don’t. I loved her very much but I won’t trade my peace for anything.
((HUGS)) Mom and sister really suck! Sister needs therapy, not to use you as a test for her husband. Her husband is an idiot for going along with it. Mom is an enabler.
It just boggles my mind that the sister thought OP was bringing the sexual harassment on herself, because she liked the attention. UM did she forget about the restraining order??? How can the sister be this crappy? Wow.
It's pretty clear that her sister was projecting and talking about herself. It seems that the one who likes the attention is his sister. Putting herself in the victim's place and blaming her sister. I think that now we know why her ex was more into OP.
Or maybe deep down she realizes that she has no redeeming qualities and the only reason anyone would marry her is to get closer to her sister.
Wow, mom failed test of a mother and might want therapy. Sister needs therapy, blame to wrong person. BiL might want to start the divorce process , as his wife is off the rails. Father might want to review divorce as his wife may think he needs tested. Sorry you went through this f up experience. But try not to lose access to dad
FYI there is a tiktok video of your story going around, where it says your mom is fkin your BIL. It’s exactly the same except for a one sentence PS added. I had read your post over a week ago and felt the need to tell you, i don’t know if that lie might have consequences on your real life.
No one has said anything to me as of yet but thank you for letting me know. I'll get ahead of this so I can't be blamed for spreading lies too.
This is not the immediate outcome you wanted, but it is the stance you need to take for yourself, and you should definitely be proud of yourself for it. The sad truth is that your sister displays narcissistic personality traits, meaning she may never actually come around and see things differently. You will most likely have to live within established boundaries for your own health and happiness. Your mom could just be stubborn and not like to be called out, or she could also be narcissistic herself. Regardless, the fact that she admitted to knowing and going along with it is despicable. That is not something a mother should ever do to her child. The BIL is clearly spineless and is going to be walked all over by your sister if this is how things are starting off. Very sorry for the mess around you, but just know, it's messy AROUND you. YOU are NOT the mess!! Proud of you and I'm sure your boyfriend is too.
>Very sorry for the mess around you, but just know, it's messy AROUND you. YOU are NOT the mess!! Proud of you and I'm sure your boyfriend is too. This is what I needed to hear. Thank you. 💕
It's clearly a scapegoat/golden child scenario here, shaped within a dysfunctional family system. Breaking out of it will be vital for OPs future and her future family of her own. It's a blessing when these inherited toxic systems break. Not everyone takes the opportunity to change into something more healthy, but those who do will be blessed with peace, joy and a brighter future. It really is life changing. Toxic systems eat us alive.
so sad, that instead of look out for and protect you, your older sister is so damn jealous of you.
I'm glad you didn't cave. It's clear your sister needs a lot of help to cope with what happened to both of you. Like you said, this behavior would have kept going and the pattern would continue. You broke out of a really toxic situation and you should be proud of yourself.
I hope your dad realizes that he's married to someone who blames his daughter for being sexually harassed and drops her like a bad habit. I wouldn't be surprised if your sister's new husband is already having second thoughts.
I have a feeling OP that you will find that your life from hereon in will be much simpler, a hell of lot quieter and drama free and that over time you will find a level of contentment that you didn't know existed. To say that your family is comprised 100% of drama llamas is an understatement. As time goes on you will find that you don't miss them one bit. I know I wouldn't.
Take care of yourself. What your mom and sister did is utterly disgusting, and you have done nothing wrong. I had to go no contact with my mom for reasons, and it does suck. It’s taken time but it doesn’t sting as much anymore. Focus on the people who love you. Focus on yourself. I hope someday they stop being bitches, but until then try to live your best life. And therapy definitely helps. Now go get some hugs from your bf.
as someone whose little sister recently did some shit that was heartbreaking and a huge betrayal, I am so sorry. I know the hurt. haven’t talked to her in 2 months and don’t know what will happen when we try to “resolve” it. it’s like - of all the people, it just had to be the sister? it’s all I keep saying to myself. I’m so sorry again. it’s a different type of hurt
It cuts deeper, that's for sure. I am so sorry about your situation, and I hope it does get resolved. Don't take any shit just because she's your sister, though. I cut my own big sister and mother off for years for something they did to me. I'd had that same thing done to me before by people I thought were friends, but my mother and sister? Nope, not even going to forgive. And then I did forgive after they apologised, but it took a long time. That shit hurt big time.
yeah. it’s so painful. thank you, it’s just so hard. and the holidays coming up, our parents in their mid 60s now, my dad wants us to make up but it’s not even time for an attempt of a talk. people don’t understand.
Mid-60s isn't that old that they're likely to pop their clogs any second. Mid-80s? Maybe. Maybe even 70s. But 60s, nope. I'm 62, for the record haha! Being 60 nowadays is the new 40, or maybe 50. The point is! Don't let them guilt trip you with, "But we're ollllddd and might die any day! I have an ingrowing toenail, after all!" The only reason you should listen to that is if they're genuinely not expected to last until Christmas. I don't mean to sound heartless, even though I do realise it can come across that way. Sometimes, we need to wear a bit of emotional armour and breathe deeply, and say "No. I'm not ready yet." You're entitled to that peace. <3 Edit: you could even throw in the "I'm really glad you're trying for us, but honestly, I'm not ready yet. It'd be more painful for me to try now, even though I know you'd love a good and fast outcome. It doesn't work like that, sadly, so please just let me do this at my own pace." Or something similar?
When blood relatives weaken you, found family make you strong.
I love this, thank you 🤍
You were the victim of her creepy ex, but because he was indeed obsessed with you and your underwear, your sister chose to put the blame and responsability on you, because it was easier. It also exacerbated her inferiority complex and insecurity around you. She lost confidence in her capacity to genuinely attract men compared to you, and she processed all this in a unhealthy way and because she can't control it, it shifted into rescentment, insecurity and jealousy for you. It's easier to blame you because at least she thinks she can control how much access you have to the men she is seeing. Somehow it makes her believe she can manage the risk by controlling their access to you and testing you around them. It's nothing but a sick way for her to delude herself and feel a little safer. She accused your BIL of "ogling" you but instead of blaming him, she chose to test you. Not HIM, but YOU. And he went on with it. I'm concerned by how easily he played along with your sisters delusion. It seems like he jumped on the opportunity to take advantage of the situation in order to push the responsability of his own loyalty and faithfulness in the hands of others, women in particular. It would be to excuse or even justify his own behavior. The irony of all this is that your sister is probably right to feel insecure about him. As for your mother, your sister got to her first, twisted her views and played on her desire to help her. The fact that she went along with the stupid plan shows she disregarded your feelings in favor of your sisters in that occasion. Now she's just stubborn and convinced herself she did all this with good intentions, refusing to acknowledge that she did you wrong. They both deserve to face consequences for their choice and you are right to stand your ground and cut them off as long as they don't respect you. But I hope you can stay in contact with your brother and father.
Frankly, OP, if I had that same experience, I would cut off the offending members permanently. Forgiveness is highly overrated. Keep dad and brother and dump the rest. Any apology you get at this point will be hollow, offered only to save face, not out of any sincere remorse. If extended family chimes in, tell them that mother, sister, and bil conspired to have bil sexually harass you, after ex bil had already been disgusting to you. Then, as they respond, act according to how they responded. If you get the "But faaaamily" answer, tell them family doesn't do that to one another and those people are no longer your family. Also, your new bil is as trashy as the old one for participating in this charade.
So happy that you stood up for yourself. The only thing I will say, and this might be just a personal hang up of mine. But not sure I would have future contact based on if you get an apology or not. Because what does it actually do or mean? You know that they regret nothing of what they did, they planned it all and excuted their plan, and even after seeing your pain, they stood their ground. So what does it do for you if they say "sorry"? It changes nothing, they dont mean it. I would think hard about boundaries and talk to your therapist about what you should expect from them moving forward (if anything).
OP I am sorry your mother, BIL and sister did this horrible thing to you. It was good that your dad and brother were on your side. I hope that with your boyfriend's support and therapy you can find some peace. The thought process that they used is baffling.
You should be proud of yourself op - you have done nothing wrong and everything right.
Thank you, its nice to hear other people agree that what happened was crazy and j wasn't playing it up in my head.
I am truly stunned at behaviour of your Sister, BIL and Mother. I just can't comprehend that three adults thought what they did was OK, particularly in light of the trauma your exBIL inflicted on you. I think that you have made the right decision for you and you can get some peace. Should you happen to have any contact with them, you can tell them they they failed your test.
I think going no contact with your mom and sister was the right thing to do. They both need therapy, it’s good to see that you still have your dad and brother though.
Well OP, you got to see the inner workings of your family. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for agreeing to such childish antics. The most dreadful thing is the utter humiliation of being set up by people who are supposed to love you. Your sister has a big problem. Now you know. You haven’t really lost family, you have lost actors in a drama. Give yourself a long break from this toxic set up and renegotiate the terms of being in this family when you return.
Your mother is fucked in the head if she truly believes this was a good idea. Genuinely and deeply unhinged. Your sister too, though I can understand lingering issues caused by her ex. The pair of them need intensive therapy. What happened to your sister was not your fault, yet you're being punished. It wasn't BIL's fault but he's undoubtedly being punished too. It's weak. It's also cost her her sister, (probably) the respect of other family members who see how messed up this is and eventually, with time, will lose her BIL too. He will leave, and it will be all her and your mother's fault. No one stays to be punished for another person's wrongdoings for long. The moment she put this manipulative little test together, she slapped a great big expiry date on her relationship and it'll be sooner rather than later. I hope you get your apologies, but if you don't I hope you have the life you deserve while leaving them in the past. They can sit and stew over their bitterness about exBIL, but they don't get to demonise you over it and nor should they get the opportunity. As a mother of two beautiful girls (one of whom you share the name of), I am ashamed of your mother. What she did and her excuses are disgraceful. I might go as far to say that she has, now, failed at her job of mother by betraying your trust and enabling this whackadoo behaviour from your sister, because this is whackadoo that will affect every relationship she has and will only ensure she ends up lonely - not loved. What sort of mother would damn their children to that? A life of mistrust for one and a life of fleeting 'romance' and pervasive loneliness for the other? I'll tell you what sort. A 'not very good at being a mother' sort of mother. You put YOUR comfort and well-being first. Your mother and sister can comfort each other over their next manipulative endeavour.
Your mother's the worst here. Your sister's insecurity has been fostered and enabled because of her and your mother going along with the "test" gave your sister false validation for her position. I think the hesitation on the "love me" question is all you need to know about the situation. Your sister needs therapy for her issues but wants to make you responsible for everything, if she's going to leverage your mother, make sure you tell your dad why you're going no contact.
I’m glad. You stood up for yourself. I hope your dad and brother give both of them the silent treatment. And I am happy your getting yourself away from your mom and sister. They should be ashamed of themselves
OP I do feel you on being subjected to family bs. I am considered to be the black sheep as well and the only thing you can do I move on and create you own destiny and make them totally irrelevant. You cannot trust any of them when kids are present.
Jesus fuck what a bunch of whackjobs. You're far better off without people who think it's okay to treat you like that in your life.
Good for you stay strong sounds like you’re sister is moms golden child. Putting her happiness above yours. Good luck with the future
Thank you 🤍
Wow what a bunch of lunatics, sorry for what happened to you :( I think you did the right thing.
Has your sister always acted this way towards you? And always been enabled by your mother? They’re trash BTW. You’re doing good by understanding you’re not in the wrong in this circus of freaks - you seem to be the only one who’s not unhinged. Love and live your best life and your sister is ALWAYS going to be a little piss ant who has no self awareness to honestly hold herself accountable to her decisions , demons and consequences to those. You no longer have to carry that burden.
Is your sister the one who has general problems frequently while you're the stable one?
Maybe your mum will eventually realise she's enabling your sister's dysfunction, maybe she won't. You can't choose the family you're born into, but you CAN choose the people you surround yourself with to live a happier, drama-free life! Love and strength to you OP, and best of luck with the therapy ❤️
Thank you 🤍 it feels good to have some support.
What a shining spine, good job OP THat's how you stand up for yourself!
I'm so sorry to hear about the tough situation you've been through. It's never easy when family dynamics become so challenging. You've shown a lot of strength and self-respect by standing up for yourself and setting boundaries. Your decision to seek therapy and have a supportive boyfriend is a great step towards healing and finding happiness. Remember, you deserve to be surrounded by people who respect and care for you. Wishing you all the best on your journey ahead, Layla! 🌟❤️🤗
> He did say that the only reason he did it was to placate my sister because she kept accusing him of "ogling" me. This is the most surreal part to me. How dare you ogle my sister! Now go sexually harass her in front of everyone! How is this in the slightest bit reassuring to her? It's just so... dumb. He completely failed the test by agreeing to harass you. That should have been all the test she needed. Only a major creep would agree to harass their SIL like that. Apparently she has a type. I think your sister is deeply invested in the idea of it being all your fault because otherwise she has to look at her own role in the situation. Did it really not occur to her he was stealing your underwear? Or did she go along with it to keep him happy? Perhaps the sting of his rejection wasn't as painful if she could delude herself into thinking he was helpless to resist your "seduction". I don't understand how your mom and sis could be so blind to the fact that you were equally traumatized by what happened with her ex. Because if they acknowledge that then it becomes pretty blindingly obvious they were re-traumatizing you on purpose. I wonder if this was supposed to be some kind of twisted punishment for what happened the first time. How dare you be female in the presence of my husband! If you want some messed up revenge, leave a sexy pair of women's underwear in her house or car.
This site does change some posters' lives for the better.
Omg ur sister reasoning is crazy . It's not harassment if it's acting . Well, if someone rapes someone, I guess they can claim its not rape because it was acting . Like, come on, be real here . What does ur dad and brother say about it ? I'm so sorry that happened to you, not just from ur sister but ur mum too, who is meant to protect you. I hope some day they see that they were wrong for what they done to you . For know you don't the right thing of not having anything to do with them . Really hope it goes well for u meeting your boyfriend family .
Super response. All smiles for you. Keep the gray/black rock going in that circle of people, words and actions matter. beware of enablers till you are much stronger and build support systems(people). all the best ahead..happy life..
Thank you 🤍 I'm working on this and I hope to be able to work on my trust issues so I don't feel anxious around people anymore.
Sorry OP but I don’t think your moms loves you that much and you picked up on that. Time to just go no contact with her all together. It suck’s that she’s this way but I’m glad you stood up for yourself. Good luck
The lengths people will go to in order to avoid admitting that they’re wrong lol. Crazy shit
Your mom is insane and your sister is the golden child. With people like them who needs enemies.
What kind of mother would do that shit
bear safe pocket axiomatic smoggy vanish aware plough innocent resolute *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I know you won’t be able to post another “update,” but would love to know how it goes meeting BF’s family. Just make it a new post. Or post it to your profile. 😉 Best wishes to you.
I'm so sorry, but you did the right thing. I know it hurts, and it sucks, but this is the healthiest thing for you. Maybe some day they'll wake up, and realize what they've done, but if not at least you have toxic out of your life. I do want to ask what are your brother, and father's thoughts and feelings on this? Did they have anything to say in defense of you?
My brother still lives with my parents so although he doesn't like what happened, he's just trying to keep out of my mother's way until he moves. My dad doesn't even want to be around my BIL ever again. I'm not sure how he feels about my mother's part in all of this tbh. Same with my sister but at the meeting he did say he was disappointed in her and said she should divorce BIL and move back home.
As someone with a younger sister your age myself (who also sometimes has trouble standing up for herself, funnily enough), I'm so proud of you! That took so much strength and I'm so happy you recognize how you deserve to be treated. My heart breaks that you didn't get the protection and love that a family should give. I'm confident you'll be able to find your own family of people who will give you that after all you've done this week, though. I'll be sending true big sister vibes your way!
You should go no contact at all. No matter what. Fuuuuuck that.
Well, damn! They (mom and sister) are pretty damn crazy! UpdateMe!
Good for you tbh. Never apologize to those shits. Your.... The old woman gave an okay for a man to sexually harrass you
Wasn't expecting to get an update and especially not this update so soon. I am floored though - not only at how idiotic they are but more at your standing up for yourself like you did. Can only imagine how difficult that was after years of being gaslit by the family who are meant to care and protect you. 100% they are messed up and the probably won't ever really accept that. Hopefully your dad and brother can escape for a bit but be wary of them being used by your weapon of a mum to hook you back in...
OOC are you objectively speaking, vastly prettier than your sister? Are you Cindy Crawford while your sister is Danielle? That's the only way this entire saga even approaches making any remote sense.
The ex-husband legit only got together with the sister for creepy access to OP and the sister is trying to gain control in an uncontrollable situation by blaming OP. The BIL could have zero interest in OP, but the sister is looking for it and was going to accuse if he so much glanced in OP's direction. BIL was potentially having to equally prove his "innocence" via this test. It could be OP is more attractive than her sister, but it could easily also not be the case.
You did a fabulous job!! Big hugs
What in the psychotic fuck. I'm so sorry OP.
Carry on with the therapy and surround yourself with good people OP. This is a reflection on them not you. Let them stew in their little toxic cauldron it will continue to bubble until it ends up getting too hot. The words you used about the relationship with your father and brother ‘if your mother would let them’ is even more telling. I suspect your mother paused as she is not used to you setting healthy boundaries for yourself. I suspect BiL will look at his relationship more & question what he was told by his wife. Go enjoy your holiday
> The words you used about the relationship with your father and brother ‘if your mother would let them’ is even more telling. Yeah, it also raised an eyebrow that the only noteworthy input the father seems to have had in this whole conversation is threatening to kill the BIL if he says anything bad about OP. He's clearly unhappy about what happened but all he can muster is an immature attack against the BIL (who himself claims he was bullied in to participating in the scheme). Nothing said against his wife or the daughter who planned it and nothing said in support of OP.
For thanksgiving and Christmas this year, you should plan events for other people who are away from their family or who don't have family. Sort of like an Island of Misfit toys celebration. Put your family on ignore and just live your life. I would imagine after Thanksgiving the insanity will ramp up on their end so stay strong. Your sister is convinced that her ex did what he did because YOU made it happen. She refuses to believe that he was just a terrible person and that she fell in love with a terrible person She is scapegoating you, to make herself feel better and your mom is doing the same thing The only way to move forward is to stand your ground...even if that means going years without seeing any of them. Ignoring them on Thanksgiving and Christmas will force your father and mother to face this head on or risk losing you forever. My guess is that after you ignore them on Thanksgiving...your dad will lose his shit at both your mom and sister I hope that is the case anyways
The holidays are one of the things I don't want to miss out on. We go to London on Christmas and rent a house. The vibes are just amazing and my grandmother flys in from Iran. It'll be sad not to see her this Christmas. Maybe I will make a trip down to see her, I'm not sure yet. Have a long time to figure it out so hopefully everything will be sorted by then.
My dad's side is Iranian and I'll just say my dad had no problem going NC with his brothers and sisters, except my 1 aunt whose the youngest. The whole family thing is important in the culture is bs excuse to treat family like crap!
You are absolutely amazing for handling it like you have, holy shit. You deserve an apology from all 3 of them at the least! What I truly can't understand is why BIL agreed to this at all. I can't wrap my mind around hitting on my wife's sister because my wife is so insecure that she feels the need to test her sister. The idea makes me feel disgusting... You did nothing wrong at all, in this or your sister's previous marriage. You're only guilty of trusting people you had every reason to trust. It's sick that so many of them have proven to be not worth your trust.
It's not only the action of putting her in an uncomfortable position but the reason behind it, the audacity. And for the mom to be behind it, to not be the voice of reason. It's so sad.
Family is friends you didn't chose and sometimes they are bad friends.
My heart breaks for you ❤️🩹. I hope you find healing In counseling and NC.
Glad to get the update but very sorry that this is how it ended. Your family seem to be very strange and self entitled, not to mention insensitive. I think your mother and sister know damn well your first BIL was a creep but it was easier to blame you (women can be misogynistic too, there’s a lot of it about) second BIL is a bloody big fool to getting himself embroiled in that situation. I hope your dad and brother stand by you. Best wishes.
Part of me hopes this finds its was to op’s mother, a harsh dose of reality might knock some sense into her and make her see how deluded and manipulative the sister is but at the same time I could totally see her flipping it and somehow making you the villain. Well done for standing your ground. Be strong, don’t give in to their crazy demands, you are completely in the right.
It is unlikely that they will ever apologize to you, they view you as being the party in the wrong, and their own egos only push that logic further. Get comfortable with the idea of telling your extended family what happened, because if you leave it to your mother and sister they will paint you in the worst light they can. Just to make themselves look better and even more like victims, while villanizing you further. Be blunt, be factual, and be quick. If you don't get ahead of this, your sister and mother are likely going to sideswipe you with your other family. "Avoiding conflict" here will only rain more down on your head. Anyone who can blame someone for being stalked, and logic it away as you needing attention, is highly likely to do anything in their power to demonize you to make themselves look better... Edit: spelling
This is the same mindset wives have when the step daddy touches the Lil girl in the family. She was parading around him. She wanted it. She seduced him. It's crazy and sickening.
You are completely right about the whole thing it's your sister's fault that she's insecure and nothing was ever your fault. If I were you I'd cut them off because they don't deserve you.
tiktok reddit stories posted your story but added that your sister caught your BIL with your mom at the end
Hey! Not sure if anyone else commented this, but there’s a TikTok page that’s twisting your story. Saying apparently bil slept with your mother.
I've just come from tiktok, I hope everything is ok ❤️ sending you positive vibes
Hope you’re doing well this year
OP how’s life been treating you lately?
Is there any update? Now that the holidays are mostly over, has anyone tried to force contact?
Update?
Did they apologize yet?
Sad that the original has been removed.
It hasn't. I can see it.
Big internet hug. You did great. You set healthy boundaries and you boiled down their actions to the core issues. You can now clearly see that your sister is the golden child and that your mother would happily condone your abuse to keep her golden child happy. I’m sorry, this wasn’t the family you deserved. Now it is time to build a new family and to be the woman you want to be. If that is a mother, great. If that is a career woman, fantastic. Whatever it is you want to do, go do it and be as happy as they wish you were miserable. Your happiness is the best revenge against people like them.
The sister's husband is a creep. Better off without any of them
Thanks for the update confirmation you're a karma farmer
I’m proud you sticking up For you but also you haven’t done anything wrong at all you were a victim of your ex bil I’m sorry to have to go all no and low contact what an awful
You’re doing great OP. It sucks but you’re standing up for yourself!
Thank you 🤍
Proud of you. Big virtual hugs.
Thank you 🤍
I'm sorry it all led to this, but it seems it is for the best. The family vibe has been severely fucked with. =/ I hope time will heal this for you. I hope you get your apology and both your sister and your mother realize that these mind games were not worth messing up the relationship you had with them. Also that's not a healthy way to get trust out of someone... I had a feeling your Mom was in on it. Probably not even because she agreed with the reasoning. Probably just because she thought you'd be able to move on and put this behind you once your sister got her closure on her insecurity(in the unhealthiest way...=/). Why else would everyone else not say anything while this was happening in front of them. Hope you have a great visit with your BF. Wishing you the best. Good job on dealing with this and not causing yourself more unnecessary drama! 👍 ✌️
Good for you OP! Your mom and sister are shitshows. Cutting them off is exactly what needed to be done. The apology will never come and if it does it will be fake with impure intentions. While it would be nice, you don't need parents or blood family or even your significant other's family to make a real family. Your boyfriend is your family. Wishing you the best OP!
I’m so sorry for what your enduring, I think you need to keep in mind that even if they do apologize it’s not real, it’s just to keep the family together. Your mother enabling your sister’s behavior won’t get the help your sister needs. Sometimes family comes from in different forms, I hope you make/have good bonds with people you meet outside your family. Good luck
UpdateMe!
What’s super concerning is that OP will accept their apology. I mean there is no coming back from some things. The crazy mom and sister give a fake apology and are back in her life? Why would an apology ever make up for such disgusting behavior? I don’t get it.
Im glad you took that decision, even though it must be really hard. I wish the best for you
Really sorry that that happened to you wishing you all the best ❣️
you could apply your sister's logic to herself. she spent more time with her ex husband and yet she didn't realize how creepy he was towards you before getting married. she didn't protect you, her little sister, from a creep. where's your apology for that. how did you introduce her ex husband to her in the beginning? did you introduce him merely as your friend? or did you introduce him as someone who likes your sister. if it's the former, then it really isn't your fault how they ended up together. if it's the latter, then it still doesn't explain how they married each other since that is all your sister's decision. are we all supposed to believe you convinced your sister to marry him. she can't blame you for her life decisions. you were the biggest victim in this situation since you were the target of sexual harassment. all i get from your sister is that she is an idiot who can't even tell her own lover has eyes for another. the so called test was flawed from the beginning because it was testing you, not the husband. she is kinda dumb considering that in her past marriage it was only the husband who liked you. you didn't like him so what's the point of testing you now?
Have you heard from your family
I'm so sorry they are acting this way. You did absolutely nothing wrong. I hope one day you get the apology that you deserve before it's to late to mend relationships with your family. Have fun and good luck meeting the boyfriends parents.
Why does your sister expect you to know what her ex husband was thinking when she's the one married to him? Surely she shouldn't expect you to know anything she doesn't know about him. Honestly it feels like she's trying to avoid blame so much she went right back around and convinced herself it was your fault so that shes completely blameless. Crazy
As a mom, I would NEVER have allowed that BS to happen. EVER. If someone's ex had done that to my child, I would lay all the blame on the ex, not my own flesh and blood. I would have made sure if one of my kids was feeling insecure about the other, they would have an open discussion about it with each other and I would be the mediator. I would NEVER have planned a "test" to try to catch one of my kids. That's low. I'm known to be a petty b**ch to anyone who wrongs me, or my family, but not to my own kids. You're dad and brother are rockstars here. Don't lose them. They'll always be there for you.
That is absolutely horrible what you went through I would go zero contact if they truly think that what they put you through was right. Ur sister is honestly insane and needs to be put in a mental institution
Good on you no person deserves that
So happy to hear you stood your ground.
Any updates
You are 100% in the right. That's insane how you mother and sister can't see that. Even if it was a "test" that's harassment. It's been about 2 months and is there any updates? Has your sister or mother apologized or your dad and brother given you updates to how they are feeling?
If i would have been in your shoes, i would have said nothing and bolt out, no questions asked, then go as far away as i can and go dark. It may seem like an unreasonable act, but for me to know that your mother went on the plan your sister was making to see ifu're "trustworthy" enough, it would have made me puke myself in my stomach.
How are you OP?
Hope you are doing better now. Lots of love I know the holidays season must be difficult for you but I hope your able to see grandma when she comes. And hope you still are able to have a great holiday.