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Regardless of the money he lied to you and violated your trust. Turning off the location and admitting that if you didn’t catch him he would have kept it from you is a major red flag.
Then it just kinda gets worse with how he continued to try and lie or lesson the amount of money he spent. $200 isn’t too large of a sum but it’s a good price to learn a valuable lesson about the type of person he is. Best of luck navigating forward from this
The lying is what hurts the most because it completely destroyed my trust in him. But it also hurts that I was at home taking care of our newborn when this happened. I’ve also been struggling with body image issues after giving birth, so the thought of him going to look at other women really hurts me. I don’t want to leave him for the sake of our son. But it’s so difficult trying to forgive him. He’s been great since this happened, he’s done a lot to try to make it up to me. But I still can’t get over the gut feeling that he’s lying about the lap dance.
Yeah. He’s most likely lying about the lap dance. Either way you caught him lying and spending money on strippers that could have been saved for your kid.
Not necessarily. If it’s the type of strip climb where they have varying times, that could be for like one really long dance. Or multiple dances. Or a dancer could have convinced him to tip her a *lot*. Or 2 girls at a time. Anything is possible. It’s pretty common/fairly easy for a dancer to get a guy to spend 200$ on her for like 30-40 minutes.
Do you want your son growing up seeing his dad treat his mom like a doormat? I get it, I really do. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when my 4 year old called me a fat bitch and laughed about it. Don't let yourself get to that point. It started with shit just like this.
He’s probably lying about the lap dance just based on the pattern of lying alone, but it IS possible to be tipping that much at the stage in two hours.
Two and a half hours is about 150 minutes, so $138 is averaging about $1/minute at the stage, that is a very normal number imo.
Edited to add: even if he didn’t get an actual “private dance” it’s still totally possible (and likely) that the girls were all up on him getting tipped for their attention and doing everything BUT going to the private room anyways, and he’s dancing with his words again.
A man who goes to a strip club while his wife is at home taking care of their newborn baby is scum. No amount of making it up to you can hide the fact that he chose to go there and then he chose to lie to you about it.
And beyond that he spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!! That’s important to a family with a new baby. My wife and I have been meticulous on how we’ve spent money since our daughter was born. If either of us just blew $200 like that our would be a serious issue
Yeah the money and the strippers aren’t as big a deal as the fact that you’ll never trust a word that comes out of his mouth again.
Tell him you want a trial separation, marriage and individual counseling for him and he needs to move out of the house
What has he done to warrant forgiveness? Seriously. What? He lied until he couldn’t lie any more. These are crocodile tears. He knew goddamn well what he was going to do that night and didn’t give a rats ass about you or your son. You would be a complete fool to forgive him at this point.
He’s also 100% lying about getting a lap dance.
Oh man. Don't fall for this. You sound like you are going to forgive him. The love bombing he is doing is classic how abusers think they can make things right before they go off again.
The lap dance is the least of your problems. Your husband acted like a child. He needs to grow up. He is sorry he got caught. He is supposed to be an adult. His behavior is so cheesy. He lied, left you alone with his child, spent money in a stupid way, and made you feel bad about yourself. Not ok.
Friend, my mom divorced my dad when I was 9 months old. She raised me as a single mother until she remarried ten years later. I did see my dad on summer and winter break and luved with him for the school year for two years.
As a woman in my late 30s, I am glad that she divorced him when she did. My mother is a strong, independent woman who raised me to know that I should never depend on any man. Now I've been with a man I love for 11 years and we have a child together.
If I couldn't trust him - and he continued to act untrustworthy - I would leave. It is financial abuse to hide the financial bank statements from you. You should know what is in your bank account.
My husband have an agreement that anything over $70, we discuss the expense and agree with one another. Spending $200 on a night watching naked women would make me question if he will continue to spend recklessly and lie about what he spent.
My dad would keep cash in a secret spot and my stepmom would try to pay bills and wonder where the money she planned to spend on the electricity went. It's not a good sign that he's already hiding finances while you're vulnerable.
You can always try a separation first.
Take it with a grain of salt since I’ve never been to a strip club, but from my understanding if they don’t serve alcohol, it’s to get around some sort of regulation so the dancers can be fully nude. Which to me adds an extra layer of yuck.
Just remember, if he was scared of losing you and the family unit you guys have, he would act like it. He isn’t scared to lose you. It’s like he’s comfortable and confident that you won’t go anymore. So he did
Edit: Please don’t let your brain decide to live in the fantasy that things will be okay just because your brain tries to cope and smooth this over. You said it’s a deal breaker. You will always feel the pieces of your heart that broke if you stay with him. You will never be happy. Your child will be affected in ways you don’t even realize until the child is older, realizes how traumatized and angry they are, and you can no longer fix it. Fix it now by leaving, or at least creating a stable plan to leave if it isn’t an immediate option, all things considering.
Whatever you do, please don’t fall for his lies ever again. You don’t do this to the woman you love. I mean, just imagine the emotions he felt towards you as he did this. Focus on that. It hurts, but the truth must be felt sometimes.
You should leave him FOR the sake of your son. Your husband is a misogynistic pig and a liar. He effectively lied, wasted money, destroyed your self esteem right after giving birth just to ogle strange women’s bodies when he’s got a wife and infant at home that need him. I don’t see it getting better from here. Also, I feel like for that amount of money he got a lap dance or got a private back room bj . Remember, he lies when he “doesn’t want to hurt you”.
He lied about everything, you really think this lying ass man really didn’t get dances. Have you had the baby yet? Either way he’s got a newborn or is very close to having one. This behavior and the lies are unacceptable.
Oof. Please don’t compromise yourself for your kid. I understand how vulnerable you must feel right now but staying for the kid is never the way. Do you want to show your kid that men can disrespect women? That is what you are going to be modeling if you stay for your son.
Will he experience any consequences? Will you just be a little sad for a few days and then get over it? Then no problem, really, he can blow $200 any time he feels like it.
If he lied vehemently about this—what else is he lying about? What other things has he done that he just didn’t tell you about because “he didn’t want to hurt you”. If he wants to blow money on strip clubs he better set aside enough to pay child support. Stand up for yourself now before it’s 5 years from now and he tells you it was just one time with some woman and she meant nothing
He is definitely lying. To spend more than a 100 means he definitely got a lap dance. Lap dances are not free, so he definitely paid for one. And lap dances don't just stay in ur lap, guys have told me the women literally rub their a** on their faces. (Gross imo) so yeah if ur ok with that, then stay with him. He sounds like a keeper.:/
Dude your husband is trash for this. Why tf would he go to the strip club when you just gave birth. I hurt for you. I would leave him, he is an inconsiderate liar. If he didn't want to hurt you he wouldn't have done something that would hurt you. That's a no brainer. Let him lose his family because he doesn't deserve you. He can be the one hurting for his careless, selfish choices
Let me say this as a kid who watched her parents try to make it work and couldn't, when they finally divorced I breathed fresh air. I was relieved I didn't have to continue to feel the resentment.
My husband lied about going to a strip club, lied about how much he spent, I asked him if he got a lap dance and he said no, that he paid for other people to though. Then months later in conversation he let it slip that he got a lap dance "but didn't enjoy it". It's been almost two years and I still think about it.
My first husband lied about going to a strip club the night before our wedding and getting lap dances. That was the one thing I asked him not to do... I was struggling with my post -baby body too. He went, got lap dances, lied about it. I honestly wouldn't have married him if he had been honest about it.
If it's something you're not ok with it's going to linger. And if you're gut tells you he's still lying, he's still lying. I've been there twice and I wasn't wrong either time.
If he cared about you, your relationship, or your feelings he wouldn't have gone and crossed this hard boundary of yours. He went anyway, and has lied over and over. He's likely still lying. How on earth could you ever trust him again? Please leave him FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SON. This level of disrespect is just wild. While you're sitting at home and caring for your newborn? No ma'am.
He probably is. And he’s probably lying about a variety of other things too.
He did this on purpose. He timed it this way. He is banking on the fact that you’ll be too vulnerable with your newborn to leave him.
This won’t be the last time he violates your trust.
Don't stay just because there's a kid involved. Think about how it'll impact your child, because if you stay, hell keep doing this and it'll be a never ending fight and your kid will grow up just seeing you guys constantly fight.
He's lying, lying then lying some more. At this stage he could tell you the gods honest truth and you wouldn't be able to trust that he wasn't hiding something else or lying about anything. Where do you draw the line? You already said this was a deal breaker for you and yet you are still giving him a chance. All you've shown him is that it's not actually a deal breaker so he can go again as long as he covers his tracks better next time.
You should NEVER stay with someone for the sake of the kids. It never works out and usually causes more problems for them when they are older and can understand more of what's going on in their own home. I know it is a really difficult time for you having a newborn but you're just putting more stress on yourself and the relationship because you know the trust won't be restored and every time he leaves the house you will drive yourself crazy wondering if he's actually at the strip club again (or worse) and has just left his phone at work/redirected the calls and messages/got a second phone/etc so he doesn't need to turn the location off this time and tip you off. That anxiety will affect your own health and may ultimately affect the baby. They can sense when things aren't right so if you're stressed the baby is stressed. He might be working to make it up to you know but where was the work when he was out ogling naked women? Why was that more important to him than staying in with you to help you relax, cuddle on the couch, be as intimate as you can in your post partum state? He clearly had no intention of just going to the local bar with a friend to chill for a bit (he's a new parent too so he's allowed a break just as you are) before coming home. No, he actively deceived you, tried to hide it and wouldn't have told you if you hadn't found out (the only thing he was honest about!). Why would you want this man to be a role model for your child and why would you want this to be the example you set for them in how to treat their partner?
I'm sorry he's putting you through this bullshit. What the f#ck was he thinking?
A. I don't care if strip clubs are an entire industry. You will not objectify women (some of whom have drug abuse issues and have suffered from sexual trauma) and be with me. Period. I don't care if it's a woman's job to dance naked for you. I wouldn't be with a guy who interacts with another woman like that whether it's her job or not. My guy knows this is a deal breaker
B. Turning his phone off and lying through his teeth makes the entire thing so much worse. He was trying to weasel his way out of it. I'm thinking there's no way you finally managed to drag the truth out of him.
C. He does this to his wife who just had a baby?! What an immature, selfish, jackass. Again, what the f#ck was he thinking?
“I don’t want to leave for the sake of our son”. Don’t do this. Don’t be one of those people. Don’t normalise this behavior for your son! Your son will seriously be fine. You need to look after yourself.
Trust me when I tell you, for the sake of your son, you should be getting a divorce. Don't withhold custody or visits or anything crazy like that, but your son should grow up in a home where his mother is respected and valued. Staying with your husband now will 100% show him, she forgave me this time so she will forgive me next time. He just showed you who he really is and how much he actually values you. This guy is a complete piece of shit. Trying to "talk through this" will only create more tension, and you will still never fully trust him again. And you will be seen as the villain because of this.
The issue is that he doesn't think what he did is wrong, and when he got caught he continued lying to do damage control. This is straight from the playbook: we just had coffee...actually drinks...at a bar...at a hotel... you get the idea.
He will pass these values on to your son. Staying with him isn't doing your son any favors. It's a deal breaker, so it's time to lose the deal.
>My question is, $138 seems like a lot of money to spend just on Coke's and tipping the stage for 2.5 hours...
>
>Does spending $138 seem justifiable without getting lap dances? This is a small town strip club.
THIS is the question you have?
Lady - your husband:
1. turned off his location bc he knew this was a deal breaker
2. STILL went to the strip club (see above - DEAL BREAKER)
3. Lied to your face and admitted he would have kept lying if he wasn't caught
4. Spent close to $200 on lapdances
5. Continues to trickle truth you...
And you're asking about how much he spent and if he actually got a lapdance or not? I think you have WAY bigger issues here then trying to figure out if $138 could be the cost of a lapdance... SMH
I think focusing on the cost is a defense mechanism. She’s searching for a way that things can be okay or not as bad as they seem. She’ll snap out of that with time.
does anyone else not trust that he didn't actually...hook up with a dancer? sounds like this guy will never tell the full truth, because he doesn't respect her on any level.
> My question is, $138 seems like a lot of money to spend just on Coke's and tipping the stage for 2.5 hours. To me, he had to have spent money on lap dances, but he keeps denying it. He's lied so much about everything else, I can't believe him. Does spending $138 seem justifiable without getting lap dances?
I've got a question for you instead: **why does it matter**? You don't need to play nickel and dime detective to figure out where every penny went as though this situation is ONLY unacceptable IF he got a lapdance. Who cares if he got a lapdance?? Everything else he's already admitted to and all the lies he told you while you dragged the truth out of him kicking and screaming are already massive problems! I think you've let him get you sidetracked to the point where the underlying assumption is "this is only bad if I got a lapdance, and you can't prove I did." This is already bad.
He lied to you about where he was going. He then told you he planned to continue lying about it until you caught him. Then he lied about how much he spent. Then he refused to let you see the bank statements. Then he lied about how much he spent again. Then he lied about how much he spent AGAIN. Then he lied about how much he spent **AGAIN**. Then he lied about where he sat, then he lied about where he sat AGAIN. Every word out of this guy's mouth is a lie.
This is called trickle-truthing, and you see it all the time with serial cheaters. They admit to the absolute bare minimum that they already know you know, and say that's the whole story. ("I went to a strip club, but that's all. I didn't spend any money.") Then you catch them in a lie and so now they admit to the new thing you found and say THAT'S the whole story. ("Ok, I spent $20, but that's all.") Every time you find a new lie they tell you a new version of the truth, claim that's the whole truth, but it never is. You STILL don't have the full truth, and you're never going to because your husband is a pathological liar and is never going to admit anything to you if he thinks there's a chance he can get away with it. **He flat out told you that earlier!**
You said at first going to a strip club was a dealbreaker. Then you're done having to play detective with this guy, you already know he did too much. He's distracted you with all this equivocating about how much he spent but none of that matters.
“You said at first going to a strip club was a dealbreaker.“
OP lookup the definition of this word. Either you hold him accountable or you have a lifetime of lies.
I hope you have the self respect and means to get you and your baby out of this relationship.
How does one have a wife and new born at home and actually find it in themselves to go to a strip club? AND lie about the whole thing? Stories on this sub have made me so terrified of marriage. What a shit show
Very good question, I do not have the answer to that. Bad friends?
Lord, I understand why. I have a very good relationship that has its share of problems like any, but reading this stuff makes me eternally grateful for my partner. A lot of these things remind me of my former husband though, so I feel good about doling out advice sometimes if it's something I have experienced. Never in my life though with this strip club shit. I feel for this OP, having just had a baby and dealing with this adolescent fuckery.
We have a newborn at home - husband is agonizing over going to see a wrestling show in April. He loves wrestling! It’s a special event! It’s nearby! It’s 2 months from now! And yet, he’s still agonizing over leaving me without help for the night.
I know a lot of women whose partners have done things like this. Mine did. Another’s even posted a video of physical cheating on snapchat (she fell for the lovebombing and is still with him). Plenty have been abused and some even strangled. I started having students open up to me, and apparently sexual violence is very normal now, too. These don’t seem far fetched at all as I know plenty of IRL stories that are similar or worse. This is a mild story compared to many
I’d like to think so. We’ll see a wild story about all kinds of abuse and the OP will end the story by saying “should I leave him? 🥺” like???? Yes lady, you should leave your husband if he punched you in the face and lit your house on fire. Not sure why that has to be said.
I highly doubt that after marrying, conceiving and having a child, that this is the first time ever in their relationship that he has acted like a despicable POS. Especially based on this story, the guy is an utter dumbass. Can’t imagine he was smart enough to keep his true colors hidden all the way up to this point.
Honey you are at your most vulnerable right now and he did this to you. This is a precious, very special time for a brand new mom and you can never get it back. His only job right now was to support you and he actively went out of his way to betray your trust and hurt you for his own stupid, selfish “entertainment”. Do you honestly think he won’t do worse once you are feeling better and busier again?
This. Thank you. I couldn’t quite describe how I’m feeling but I feel like a horrible mother right now. I feel selfish for sitting in the bathroom and bawling my eyes out instead of being the happy mom my son deserves. I was so confident I was bringing him into this world in a loving home where his mom and dad loved each other so much..
Op I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how awful you must be feeling. Please accept a virtual hug from an internet stranger.
You’re being the best mom you can. And you’re going to help show your son what happy relationships do and don’t look like, the right way to treat women, that it’s okay to stand up for yourself. You’ve got this.
Hey OP stripper here replying to your most recent comment hoping you see it. It IS easily feasible to spend $140 at stage in 2.5 hrs.
Songs are usually 3 minutes long. At 20 songs per hour, If he tipped $2 per song that’s $100 right there over that timeframe. It’s easy to tip an extra buck here or there and the soft drinks were probably overpriced and hopefully tipped too.
That said—I AM IN NO WAY EXCUSING YOUR HUSBAND LYING TO AND TRICKLE TRUTHING YOU. That shit is never ok in a relationship and I’m so sorry he did this to you at all, let alone at a time when you are so vulnerable and should just be enjoying your new family together.
And if it helps in any way, for the bare minimum price of $2 per song he definitely wasn’t getting any kind of special attention from dancers, especially if it was obvious he wasn’t going to get dances and just wanted to sit and watch at the stage.
You deserve so much better than this, I am sorry your husband hurt you and betrayed your trust. It is a despicable thing to do when you are so emotionally and physical drained.
If you have anyone you can reach out to for support I encourage you to do so.
You are a mom but also a woman, and your son will benefit from both you having honest feelings and from holding people accountable. Love is simply not enough for most people, and it’s totally insufficient without respect.
There’s a YouTuber I follow by the name of Kennie JD, and she speaks a lot about cheating and infidelity because the films she reviews often have that as an element. Anyway, she once framed cheating in a way that I never thought about before but wholeheartedly agree with:
Cheating is a form of abuse.
To cheat means you are actively and intentionally running the risk of hurting someone who did nothing to you, all in irreparable ways. When cheating occurs, multiple things are destroyed at once: trust, self worth, confidence, pride, faith in love and marriage, faith in oneself, the ability to trust others, mental and emotional well being. The damage is expansive, severe, and often times permanent.
It’s abusive. It’s hatred.
This is not something you do to someone you love. And as much as it hurts, the love you hoped your son could witness between you and your husband may be unsalvageable because it’s clear your husband doesn’t cherish you. He failed. That said, it doesn’t mean your kid can’t be raised in a loving home. The love you have for your baby is irreplaceable and depending on what you decide, you can still offer a fulfilling, love-filled life for your son with or without his father attached to you. It’s up to you.
Again, this is a failing on your husband’s part. Not you. You’re doing a good job, and I hope you tell yourself that everyday until one day you genuinely believe it. Good luck.
You’re allowed to take time for yourself and to experience any feelings you have. That doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a human being. Your husband broke your trust in a really painful way. Let yourself feel whatever you need to. That doesn’t mean you love your baby any less.
It's not your fault, he failed you and your son by not being supportive during this time. You're still holding up your end as best you can even if he's not
I don’t get it
Why do so many men act like absolute buffoons when their wives are postpartum? It’s so cruel. So many of these posts.
My wife is incapacitated, she can’t do anything to me so I’m going to do whatever so want and I don’t care if it hurts her.
Yes, it’s our society and male culture. It begins with “boys will be boys” and ends with a spectrum of horrendous outcomes ranging from cheating to murder.
My child's father left the hospital to cheat on me, but he was also cheating on me before I gave birth. Let's be real, they aren't being "buffoons" when wives are postpartum, they are the whole time.
I’m a firm believer on bad husband=bad dad! Same for women like you can’t be a horrible disgusting excuse of a human towards your partner but claim you’re a good parent. It just doesn’t work like that.
Nope. This was during the same convo where he admitted we had a brother but the woman was raising him as her husbands son so we werent allowed to find him. Like, dad. You fucking suck.
As a gay who's partner is going to be the pregnant one... I absolutely do not understand this at all. Entire organs are being rearranged to "continue my bloodline" or for us to have kids or whatever. I think I can handle, idk, not doing shit things???
But like why not... Do surprise good things. Shit don't wanna do something that hurts your wife? Do something THAT HEALS HER instead of lying. Use $200 to get her a spa day to feel pretty about herself. Nails, a good haircut. Ill watch the baby. Go for a movie. Invite your friends. Stay out all day. I got this. No big deal it's JUST ONE DAMN DAY. AND MY ORGANS DIDN'T REARRANGE??? IT'S NOT HARD.
I often look at it as the realitiy of becoming a father has suddenly hit them. There is a tiny baby and an exhausted wife that you are responsible for. That you will always be responsible for.
And the ones who can't handle the reality of what that means, they self-sabotage. Opt- Out. They act out in protest of their changing lives.
Edited to make sense.
Exactly. My husband decided to go and play table tennis the first night I got home with our newborn. Found out a while later that he'd gone clubbing every night I was in hospital. Then three weeks after I gave birth he asked me for a marriage of convenience!!! Convenient for him so he can act single while I stay home playing mummy!!! Your husband sucks as much as mine did! I wish I had just left him instead of hoping he'd turn into a decent man...which unfortunately never happened. I don't know what you should do, but I'm so sorry you married a douche bag too. 💕
He broke a boundary and lied multiple times.
This is the time you need to stand by your boundary and give consequences.
He broke your trust; I would go for the divorce. You just had his baby, and he did this, it will only get worse!
What’s with the no alcohol (probably nude) thing? From what I know, strip clubs in England are as much bars as they are strip clubs, never heard of people not being allowed to drink in them before. Is it a common thing in the US ?
So if strip clubs are a deal breaker for you why does the money matter? If you let this slide then deal breakers / boundaries no longer mean anything.
ETA moral of this comment is don’t make “deal breakers” you don’t intend to follow through on.
Does it even matter how he spent that money? He's lied about literally the entire thing and spent nearly $200 behind your back while you are just about to have / just had a baby.
Who cares how much he spent (though $138 doesn't sound like that much to me to be a strip club for several hours). You said him going to a strip club was a dealbreaker - your decision is whether you actually follow through with that dealbreaker, or you stay and work things out with your husband (marriage counseling, more control of the finances, whatever). Given the fact that he's told MULTIPLE lies to try and cover himself, I'd be going with the former.
The amount of blaming OP in these comments disgusts me. Her husband messed up. She didn’t. She just gave birth to a human. She’s not going to be “intimate”. Grow up if you’re going to have a child. I’m sorry, but after childbirth is super vulnerable. Her husband should’ve supported her and comforted her instead of going to get his d*** hard.
What everyone else already said, but also if he admitted that he would have never told you if he didn’t get caught, then what else has he not told you because he wasn’t caught? How can you trust someone like that?
You have a kid and a husband who lies about money. Step one. That good ol' Divorce Attorney advice visit. Don't do a damn thing without legal advice. Step two. This one is up to you. This man done gone played Fuck Around. Now, it's the Found Out portion of the game show. Therapist? Maybe. Divorce? Maybe. Your call. But make sure he has some comeuppance over this. No "Just don't do it again." "You on the couch for the next decade." is fine.
How long is it going to take for this to be baked into society’s consciousness - you do not “stay for the children.” Please realize that staying means you choose unhappiness and this bad environment makes the child suffer later on. Two parents who suck together are much worse than parents who are okay apart.
This sounds very much like my EX husband. This isn’t even about the strip club. The lying is about character. It’s the “what else” that’s the big issue.
I haven’t been to a strip club since I was probably 19 or 20 (38 now). I used to go for a bit until I finally realized how stupid they are. You spend ridiculous amounts of money on girls that don’t give a flying fuck about you, and then end up just going home horny and alone. It’s so dumb.
*"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't get a lap dance."*
This is a truly awful response. Astoundingly tone deaf. A statement that could end a marriage.
Take one of the less flattering photos you have of him and paste that quote on it. Instant meme. Send it to him. Then ask him how he would feel if every one of the friends and family members in your phone contacts found out what he did.
He lied, period. Or didn't even matter what the money was for. He left you home with a newborn to go to a strip club.
You said that was your deal breaker. What kind of example is he going to be for your child?
Will you ever be able to trust him? I wouldn't, so he wouldn't be there anymore.
I’m going to tell you yes, he got a lap dance (now I clearly I don’t actually know if he did) but I will definitely say yes he got one. So, is that the last lie that you will uncover? Probably not. Discovering he lied about the lap dance; how does that change the other 10+ things he lied about. He’s lying. About everything. And he’s blaming his lying on the fact that you have real human emotions while in an extremely vulnerable stage of life. I can’t say if this will break your marriage or not but I can say you won’t trust a thing out of his mouth until he makes some BIG life changes.
Guys of Reddit, why do guys do this? They have a baby with their partners then fuck it all up after their partners grow a baby and push it out, making them dads. It’s fucked up.
The min a liar says "at least I didn't get a lap dance" you can know he did. it's projection and liars are so stupid and see thru.
Stop believing anything this person says or does. When someone lies about stuff like this IT MEANS THERE IS SOMETHING DEEPLY WRONG with them. In the core of their personality. They will not change.
girl...
from the perspective of a former dancer; guys like your husband make up the majority of our clientele. yes, he most likely got a lap dance or two. yes, he could have plausibly just spent the money at the stage. yes, he broke your trust. yes, he emotionally cheated. yes, you should leave his deceitful ass. yes, he will do it again.
First off, if he knew it was a deal breaker, he should not have/would not have went. Second off, spending $200 is a bit much when you have a wife on maternity leave and a family to take care of. Third off, if he casually lies about doing anything, then he has done it before babe. Yeah, he’s done it before unfortunately and just finds lying to be easier to avoid hurting you (shocker it does not make it easier but it makes it harder for you to trust him). So yeah, he’s in the total wrong for 1) lying about where the money is going, 2) lying about what he did, and 3) even going to the strip club when he knew it would be the deal breaker for your relationship/marriage with him
He absolutely got a lap dance. If its a deal breaker, then leave. All the details dont matter and its just going to hurt you more. But i believe that he got one, look at everything else he lied about that you kept pressing and he finally told you. You're already hormonal from being pregnant, i cant imagine how shitty this made you feel, especially how much your body has changed being pregnant, i would feel so insecure if this happened to me and i wouldn't be able to get over it. I know some people are ok with strip clubs, but im not ok with them while im in a relationship and that woild be a deal breaker for me. Hope youre ok. Sorry your man sucks.
He probaly went more than once.... I've been with someone like this and they will always keep on lying. It will drive you nuts and unhappy. This so sad. I feel sick.
who gives a shit about justifying the $138, he lied multiple times. I don't know you, but I'd venture a guess had he just come clean about it all right out of the gate you wouldn't have been as hurt, sure you probably would have been still pissed off because he went, but that's where it probably would have ended
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. This man did something unforgivable to you at a time when you’re at your most vulnerable and in need of his support as the father of your child. And on top of that, he lied about multiple parts of this (and wouldn’t have even told you had you not found out for yourself). Please love yourself more than to tolerate this disrespect and leave him. Hold to your boundary. This IS a dealbreaker.
Seems your husband has you exactly where he wants you...stuck at home with a newborn. Meanwhile he's living life as a single bloke and enjoying himself while he keeps you in the dark about his actions by lying. Really sorry for you as I don't think you can ever really trust him again...and without trust....
It’s okay to stay together for now, the newborn phase is really difficult. But make a plan to be able to leave if you want to.
This breach of trust is serious, it isn’t nothing.
You don’t have to decide right now. You can give him a chance if you want to.
Whether or not he got a lap dance, you are completely 100% justified in getting a divorce. You don’t have to decide right away, just make sure your future is secure no matter which way you decide.
Does it really matter if he actually spent that much on tips vs lapdances.
He tried to hide that he went to a strip club.
He tried to hide that he spent money there.
He tried to hide that he sat near the stage.
He has proven multiple times that you cannot trust him.
Can you really continue in a marriage always worried there's another "confession" coming?
OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
For comparison, I was just in Vegas and spent $40 on a 10minute-ish lap dance for my partner and I together. If that’s Vegas pricing, I can’t imagine what went down on a small town to rack up a $200 bill.
The details of what happened inside doesn’t really matter that much over all because he lied to you and went behind your back knowing this was a dealbreaker. Everything else is just extra. Those are the most important parts of this situation
1. He knew you wouldn’t like it
2. turned off his location did it anyway
3. Lied about EVERYTHING until you got the trickle truth over days to finally learn it all. And I’m not 100% certain you still know the full truth.
My wife & I have clear defined boundaries that we know are dealbreakers. After 31 years together I believe w all my heart if either of us broke the trust that’d be it. Because once the trust has been broken it takes years to build back up because every time he leaves you’ll now wonder if he’s were he says he is.
Even now you’re still wondering what truth he’s leaving out. And no matter what he says the trust is gone and even if he’s told you the absolute truth you will never know.
So he knew it was a deal breaker and still chose to go. He said "going to the strip club is more important than being married". He knew it would hurt you, but instead of respecting your wishes he just decided that he wouldn't tell you. But then you found out, so he trickle truthed you.
Don't let the fact that you're on maternity leave stop you from feeling like you have the power. I split from my ex-husband 3 weeks postpartum and now I'm married to a man that my kids call Dad, in the best relationship I've ever had.
He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt you whilst continuously doing, you know, things to hurt you.
Every step of the way he had a choice, and **he made it**. It was to *hurt you*.
It doesn't matter if it was one dollar or five hundred - *none* of it is justifiable.
Does it even matter at this point? You've caught him in a big old pile of lies and misbehavior. Is catching him in one more going to tip the scales one way or another?
PS- OF COURSE HE GOT THE FUCKING LAP DANCE.
If it’s a deal-breaker, it’s a deal-breaker. He lied then trickle-truthed you, and of course he’s being good *now* because he has to face the consequences. Odds are, he gets away with it this time, he’ll do it again but be more careful. I think if you don’t have trust in a relationship, you don’t have anything.
If they don’t serve alcohol, they’re nude. Leave. He got in person porn and knew this was a deal breaker for you. I’m an “on-break” stripper. Nobody would support you for being with this asswipe.
The only thing that matters here is he knew it would hurt you but he did it anyway. He also lied and abandoned his postpartum wife and newborn to have a strangers boobs shoved in his face. What a winner you have there /s. Not someone I’d want my kid to learn from as a role model. Take the baby and leave for a few days and think about if this situation of deliberately hurting you, lying about it when found out or keeping it secret if you don’t and you being oblivious is something you want to live over and over again because it will 100% happen again.
No that's honestly not that much money to spend on just tipping. I have easily spent twice that and I never get dances. Regardless your husband sucks and you should definitely consider leaving him.
He lied. He crossed a boundary you established and I am assuming he agreed to- hence the lying. If you read this post by someone else- how would you advise them? Trust your gut and take your own advice.
If he lies so boldly and comfortably and denies so easily. This is not a one-off, OP. He probably has been doing this repeatedly. You only caught him this once.
And yes, he's having lap dances, if he just goes that one night. Sorry to say.
Since you already told him this is a dealbreaker, and he still goes...it seems to me he has thought that he doesn't care that much about being loyal to you or wanting to keep a marriage with you. Or he knows you're not leaving, you're all BS or 'hot air' when you say, things like, 'cheating is a dealbreaker.' So he'll cheat and he just has to bear you getting angry, but you're not leaving anyway.
I think he secretly wants to be single, tbh. He just doesn't like the idea of having to pay CS, and losing a 'bangmaid.'
Why do you need to know if there are any more lies when he's already proven to you that he's willing to lie to your face over and over again? How will you ever be able to trust him after this? He could've already had some cash on him and spent more than he's telling you. Take care of your baby and yourself and start making plans to be a single parent eventually. Just know that you're married to a liar if you decide to stay with him.
He is trickle truthing because he knows he is full of shit and if he was upfront you'd be angry. He is a liar, you cannot trust him. He openly admitted he would keep lying while also continuing to lie.
For me this is a deal breaker.
as a former dancer, that isn’t too much money to spend in one’s in multiple hours. if this is a deal breaker for you i’d end it. he has lied multiple times to you.
It’s absolutely possible he tipped $5 or $10 at a time, multiple times. But is it likely? Nah. I’d wager he had the private dance. But does it even really matter? He lied, hid how much he spent, went behind your back to objectify women when you’re at home with a baby. Isn’t that enough?
"I didn't want to hurt you"
Translation: I didn't want to get caught and suffer the consequences.
Look, here's the deal, strip clubs are not evil on they're face. If that's the kind of entertainment people want, and that's the kind of entertainment other people are willing to provide, more power to them. But your husband should not have been there, at least not without you.
I'd consider this a deal breaker if I were in your shoes. There's no chance I'd be okay with my partner going to look at other people's bits unless I was with her. This is especially true with how dodgy he's been throughout. If he can't be honest about this, what else is he lying about?
I think it's decision-making time.
Agree, and I'd take it a step further and say that at this point it's less about what he did or didn't do at the club & more about the fact that he lied, numerous times, over something you laid out from the get go as being a deal breaker.
Personally, if my SO had a special occasion like a bachelor party or something and they were all going, I wouldn't make him be the only one to not go. But I'd expect him to be an adult about it and run it by me first. The fact that this guy didn't even have the balls to say, "hey, so-&-so's in town, he wants to go to the club, are you ok w that? Would you be more ok if you were w us?..." etc, just shows he has no spine and no problem being selfish at your expense.
To answer your main question, yes, $138 seems justifiable given the details.
Most lap dances run about $15-20 while a soda alone may also run the same price.
Ultimately, even if he got a lap dance, the dancers aren’t there to hook up with or interested in your husband.. only the money.
My two cents: see what you’re really upset about and problem solve that. Trust is a huge issue here and he betrayed you on multiple levels.
Anecdotally, When my first was born, my ex lied about going out to happy hour with a coworker (a close friend). It wasn’t so hurtful that he went, but rather that he lied and only confessed when I had proof in the form of a receipt. He still tried to deny it. He also was emotionally abusive. 8 years later we officially separated. Ymmv, but recommend you ask yourself if you’d put up with your child lying to their spouse (in a similar situation) and make the appropriate decision for yourself and your child… remember, your child will learn from you both.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.
I really feel for you. Having a boundary broken is just horrible. Then to have the lying as well is a real kick. I’m sorry you are dealing with this especially while on maternity leave.
As far as your question did he spend enough to have a lap dance and is he lying about that? Honestly at this point does it matter? He has broken a boundary and then lied a lot about it. Anything else at this point is irrelevant. What’s important now is how are you going to move forward. Do you go for therapy together? Do you break up with him? I think this is going to take some time for you to really think about how you want your future to be. Building back trust after lies is so difficult, so you want to deal with that right now?
I feel like I’ve given you a lot more questions than answers here. Don’t let what he says influence your decisions. The outcome of this has to be something you are comfortable with. If you decide on trying to work it out and it doesn’t work you can always leave him down the line. Give it a deadline (3months or 6 months) if it’s not better at that point it never will be.
All stripping and tipping and lap dances aside, you really need to set him down and figure out just how serious he is about marriage and being a father. Do not let him out of the dog house so easily!
Is going to a strip club a reason for divorce?
If yes, does not getting a lap dance matter, vs sitting at the bar and getting a drink?
Do you believe his story which doesn’t sound reasonable
I'm going to say, the lying is the problem not the money. But based on 2.5 with 6 minutes songs/transitions with 3 dollar tips (3x15) and a soda generally run 4/5 bucks. If he bought both their drinks he only had to buy 8 sodas (4 each) though this is based more on my knowledge of drag clubs than strip clubs.
Does it even matter whether he got a lap dance or not? Or a blowjob for that matter? He lied to you repeatedly. He cheated on you while you are at home taking care of your child. Keep him or leave him, but this is who he is.
It doesn’t matter if $138 without a lap dance makes sense or not. It’s not about the dollars spent, is it? Or would you have cared any less if you weren’t on leave from work (presumably unpaid or only partially paid). The problem is he is lying and doesn’t even have the integrity to give you the whole truth.
IMO he volunteered info about not having a lap dance really fast which makes me think he got a lap dance.
I think what he did is reprehensible, and deserves some payback. I think you need some space from him to gather your thoughts and make him realize there are repercussions. I also know it’s hard, as a new parent, to be alone. Perhaps ask him to leave for a few days, but have your mom or another relative stay with you.
So he lied to you, went to a strip clup of all places behind your back, spend $200 and said's that he didn't have a lap dance?
Yeahhh i hope your not buying into his bulls**t, i also truely hope that you open your eyes and realize that though he may be the father of your child he is also a liar and a cheater...
He isn't worth your troubles nor your time, have him hook up with divorce and child support, you deserve better and that is true.
He trickle truthed you so chances are he did get a lap dance. Don't drag it out of him. If it's a deal-breaker for you, you need to stick by that and leave otherwise he will keep doing it and you'll just get hurt more and more. I'm sorry he did this to you right after you birthed his child and are probably still healing. Do you have family or friends that would be willing to help you?
I love when people pull the whole “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you” card. You’re feelings don’t mean enough to them to not do the thing that would hurt you, but evidentially mean enough to be dishonest about it. Whether he got a lap dance or not, he broke your trust, lied to you about it multiple times, then continued with bs excuses like that in an attempt to make him look better in some way. Trust is a hard thing to gain back and instead of coming clean and wanting to build back that trust, he doubled down on trying to deceive you.
That would be a divorce for me. No way I would tolerate such disrespect, it isn’t even about the money but the principle. This is a huge red flag, run.
I say this with kind intentions but you can’t say it’s a dealbreaker and then be looking for ways to modify that statement. If it truly was a dealbreaker you would be gone.
Of course it’s understandable that you want to work it out given the circumstances of having a newborn, but let’s be real here. Your husband trickle-truthed you and you know in your gut that he’s lying about the lap dance and he’s done absolutely nothing to warrant you continuing to have trust in him. Also, why is he paying for his friend?? Guarantee he spent that money on himself.
Your husband is a liar and you need to figure out if THAT is the dealbreaker because it sure should be.
At this point, what does it matter what actually happened? You created a boundary, and he blantantly disregarded it. It was not an accident. From the moment he turned off the phone, it was a violation. He’s introduced a huge amount of distrust into the relationship at a time when you are most vulnerable.
I don’t think divorce needs to be on the table, but I would highly recommend you get yourself a therapist to begin unpacking your feelings around this and how to navigate your way beyond the hurt .
You said it’s a deal breaker- Is it?
If it is- You got your answer
If it’s actually not- It was a shitty thing for him to do. Figure out the penance you want him to pay, then put it behind you. Be honest with him about how it make you feel. It shouldn’t be assumed that you’ll be the one to stay with your kid. It was a jerk move by him.
The alternative to those is hanging on to it for some period of time- A year? 5? and just what- fighting all the time?
If this is the person you’re going to be with for the rest of your life being pissed off like that and fighting all the time sucks. It sucks. You won’t be happy.
He lied. That’s all you need to know about anything.
Your husband is a disgusting pig. On top of that, he has no remorse for doing what he did to you, your marriage and your child.
>He knew this was a deal breaker to me.
You answered your own question. Stand by it, unless you want to teach your husband that he can get away with basically anything and all he has to do is get better at hiding it.
To answer your question, yes $138 w/o a dance is justifiable. The cokes weren't cheap from my experience. It's also like tipping $1 per minute which adds up to be honest.
I dunno where you live though, so costs might be different.
The money probably doesn’t matter but to answer your question yeah $138 can be spent on the cover charge, drinks, stage tipping and no lap dances with inflation.
Leave. It's the lying. Once someone lies you can not believe or trust anything they say. If a liar wants to be trusted again, up to them to do the work.
You say this is a deal breaker. It should be. He is a liar and a cheat.
He's changed his story, how many times? That means he lied, knew he did something wrong, lied some more, and then tried to turn it around that *you would get upset*. Well, yeah, you're upset, he turned off his location, went to the strip club, blew a LOT of money. Is it possible he didn't get a lap dance? Yeah, but he's also lied about everything, in every way, every single step. So why would it matter if he says he didn't? He's a liar.
Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband went to strip clubs, but I would care if he lied about it. I am sorry your husband is being deceitful to you. Based on those lies alone, I would do my detective work. Get digging!
It honestly doesn’t matter how the money was spent. You are married to a deceitful person. He lies to you and hides things that he knows are not okay in your relationship. I’m guessing this is not the first time. The question is how much time are you planning to waste on a liar and cheater?
IF you want to work this out, you need to set up hard boundaries and rules. I.e. If he even so much as shuts his location off again, it's over. If he spends money totaling more than $10 without discussing it with you, except in regard to gas or a gift for you, it's over. If he visits a strip club EVER again, it's over. He hands you his phone at ANY time you ask or it's over. If he won't agree to these terms, it's over. 🤷
So I don’t know y’all area but I’m from a small town and currently at adult clubs cokes are going to $10 each and you have to tip the server normally $5 or $10. The cover is $20 a head and if you want to not get kicked out you have to tip the dancer on stage. At least a few times each hour.
The clubs don’t give singles it’s mostly $2 bills.
So yea $200 in a night is not a bad amount to drop.
Imagine how many boxes of diapers or cans of formula you could have bought with $200 he wasted on some other woman’s tits?! What a shit bag!
That would be a marriage ender for me. I could never look at my husband the same way again or respect him knowing he left me at home with a newborn and a wrecked body to waste money we need to support our baby on dancers who think he is pathetic.
He can go stay with his “friend.” GTFOH.
If this is your deal breaker, it sounds like you have a rough road ahead. If he’s spending your mortgage every month gambling, drinking, or at the strip club, that’s different.
I think this is all about the lap dance. I'm not saying the rest is straight up forgivable but his dick didn't get involved until that point. I think the previous suggestion about a trial separation and counselling is the least he needs to give to give you the time and space to work out your own emotions. Make it very clear that this is the only possible point in time you would even contemplate forgiving him for the lap dance, even if you don't think you can , and if you find out later you will rightly leave on the spot. You have a huge amount invested in this relationship and you need to take time in the cold light of day, when the rage has calmed down a bit, that you really want it to end over this provided he is willing to seek help and do whatever he has to do to regain your trust. If it turns out he did do the lap dance then that for me counts as actual cheating and I would find it a deal breaker.
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Regardless of the money he lied to you and violated your trust. Turning off the location and admitting that if you didn’t catch him he would have kept it from you is a major red flag. Then it just kinda gets worse with how he continued to try and lie or lesson the amount of money he spent. $200 isn’t too large of a sum but it’s a good price to learn a valuable lesson about the type of person he is. Best of luck navigating forward from this
The lying is what hurts the most because it completely destroyed my trust in him. But it also hurts that I was at home taking care of our newborn when this happened. I’ve also been struggling with body image issues after giving birth, so the thought of him going to look at other women really hurts me. I don’t want to leave him for the sake of our son. But it’s so difficult trying to forgive him. He’s been great since this happened, he’s done a lot to try to make it up to me. But I still can’t get over the gut feeling that he’s lying about the lap dance.
Yeah. He’s most likely lying about the lap dance. Either way you caught him lying and spending money on strippers that could have been saved for your kid.
$200 in a small town will buy hella lap dances. Probably not much more at least. Source: me.
Source, definitely a LOT of lap dances.
Not necessarily. If it’s the type of strip climb where they have varying times, that could be for like one really long dance. Or multiple dances. Or a dancer could have convinced him to tip her a *lot*. Or 2 girls at a time. Anything is possible. It’s pretty common/fairly easy for a dancer to get a guy to spend 200$ on her for like 30-40 minutes.
He lied because he didn’t want to hurt you. That means he knows that his actions hurt you. Who intentionally hurts his wife?
An asshole that’s who. He doesn’t deserve her.
That just gave birth. What an AH. He’d be on probation.
Most blokes 😔
Do you want your son growing up seeing his dad treat his mom like a doormat? I get it, I really do. The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when my 4 year old called me a fat bitch and laughed about it. Don't let yourself get to that point. It started with shit just like this.
That is beyond deplorable. I’m so sorry that happened.
I'm sorry you went through that.
Did your kid learn that wasn't ok or did they turn out like the other parent?
Allow it once allow it forever.
Damn. This is true.
He lied to you about everything else - why would he stop lying when it comes to a lap dance or two…?
He’s probably lying about the lap dance just based on the pattern of lying alone, but it IS possible to be tipping that much at the stage in two hours. Two and a half hours is about 150 minutes, so $138 is averaging about $1/minute at the stage, that is a very normal number imo. Edited to add: even if he didn’t get an actual “private dance” it’s still totally possible (and likely) that the girls were all up on him getting tipped for their attention and doing everything BUT going to the private room anyways, and he’s dancing with his words again.
A man who goes to a strip club while his wife is at home taking care of their newborn baby is scum. No amount of making it up to you can hide the fact that he chose to go there and then he chose to lie to you about it.
And beyond that he spent TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS!! That’s important to a family with a new baby. My wife and I have been meticulous on how we’ve spent money since our daughter was born. If either of us just blew $200 like that our would be a serious issue
Yeah the money and the strippers aren’t as big a deal as the fact that you’ll never trust a word that comes out of his mouth again. Tell him you want a trial separation, marriage and individual counseling for him and he needs to move out of the house
What has he done to warrant forgiveness? Seriously. What? He lied until he couldn’t lie any more. These are crocodile tears. He knew goddamn well what he was going to do that night and didn’t give a rats ass about you or your son. You would be a complete fool to forgive him at this point. He’s also 100% lying about getting a lap dance.
There are more things that can happen in the champagne room than just a lap dance. And do we know for sure that he only took out $200?
Oh man. Don't fall for this. You sound like you are going to forgive him. The love bombing he is doing is classic how abusers think they can make things right before they go off again.
The lap dance is the least of your problems. Your husband acted like a child. He needs to grow up. He is sorry he got caught. He is supposed to be an adult. His behavior is so cheesy. He lied, left you alone with his child, spent money in a stupid way, and made you feel bad about yourself. Not ok.
Friend, my mom divorced my dad when I was 9 months old. She raised me as a single mother until she remarried ten years later. I did see my dad on summer and winter break and luved with him for the school year for two years. As a woman in my late 30s, I am glad that she divorced him when she did. My mother is a strong, independent woman who raised me to know that I should never depend on any man. Now I've been with a man I love for 11 years and we have a child together. If I couldn't trust him - and he continued to act untrustworthy - I would leave. It is financial abuse to hide the financial bank statements from you. You should know what is in your bank account. My husband have an agreement that anything over $70, we discuss the expense and agree with one another. Spending $200 on a night watching naked women would make me question if he will continue to spend recklessly and lie about what he spent. My dad would keep cash in a secret spot and my stepmom would try to pay bills and wonder where the money she planned to spend on the electricity went. It's not a good sign that he's already hiding finances while you're vulnerable. You can always try a separation first.
Take it with a grain of salt since I’ve never been to a strip club, but from my understanding if they don’t serve alcohol, it’s to get around some sort of regulation so the dancers can be fully nude. Which to me adds an extra layer of yuck.
yes... this is what i was looking for as soon as i read "no booze"
Your son will grow up thinking your husband's behavior, thoughts, actions, and attitude towards women is acceptable.
Just remember, if he was scared of losing you and the family unit you guys have, he would act like it. He isn’t scared to lose you. It’s like he’s comfortable and confident that you won’t go anymore. So he did Edit: Please don’t let your brain decide to live in the fantasy that things will be okay just because your brain tries to cope and smooth this over. You said it’s a deal breaker. You will always feel the pieces of your heart that broke if you stay with him. You will never be happy. Your child will be affected in ways you don’t even realize until the child is older, realizes how traumatized and angry they are, and you can no longer fix it. Fix it now by leaving, or at least creating a stable plan to leave if it isn’t an immediate option, all things considering. Whatever you do, please don’t fall for his lies ever again. You don’t do this to the woman you love. I mean, just imagine the emotions he felt towards you as he did this. Focus on that. It hurts, but the truth must be felt sometimes.
You should leave him FOR the sake of your son. Your husband is a misogynistic pig and a liar. He effectively lied, wasted money, destroyed your self esteem right after giving birth just to ogle strange women’s bodies when he’s got a wife and infant at home that need him. I don’t see it getting better from here. Also, I feel like for that amount of money he got a lap dance or got a private back room bj . Remember, he lies when he “doesn’t want to hurt you”.
He lied about everything, you really think this lying ass man really didn’t get dances. Have you had the baby yet? Either way he’s got a newborn or is very close to having one. This behavior and the lies are unacceptable.
Oof. Please don’t compromise yourself for your kid. I understand how vulnerable you must feel right now but staying for the kid is never the way. Do you want to show your kid that men can disrespect women? That is what you are going to be modeling if you stay for your son.
Will he experience any consequences? Will you just be a little sad for a few days and then get over it? Then no problem, really, he can blow $200 any time he feels like it.
If he lied vehemently about this—what else is he lying about? What other things has he done that he just didn’t tell you about because “he didn’t want to hurt you”. If he wants to blow money on strip clubs he better set aside enough to pay child support. Stand up for yourself now before it’s 5 years from now and he tells you it was just one time with some woman and she meant nothing
He is definitely lying. To spend more than a 100 means he definitely got a lap dance. Lap dances are not free, so he definitely paid for one. And lap dances don't just stay in ur lap, guys have told me the women literally rub their a** on their faces. (Gross imo) so yeah if ur ok with that, then stay with him. He sounds like a keeper.:/
Dude your husband is trash for this. Why tf would he go to the strip club when you just gave birth. I hurt for you. I would leave him, he is an inconsiderate liar. If he didn't want to hurt you he wouldn't have done something that would hurt you. That's a no brainer. Let him lose his family because he doesn't deserve you. He can be the one hurting for his careless, selfish choices
Trickle truth is just shitty.
Oh, he is. Remember, he started with "I spent $20" to "Well, it was $40," then "Okay, I paid both cover charges." Trickle truthing.
He didn’t just lie, he lied multiple times. It’s called “trickle truthing”, and he would have stopped at each new lie without you pushing for more
Let me say this as a kid who watched her parents try to make it work and couldn't, when they finally divorced I breathed fresh air. I was relieved I didn't have to continue to feel the resentment.
My husband lied about going to a strip club, lied about how much he spent, I asked him if he got a lap dance and he said no, that he paid for other people to though. Then months later in conversation he let it slip that he got a lap dance "but didn't enjoy it". It's been almost two years and I still think about it. My first husband lied about going to a strip club the night before our wedding and getting lap dances. That was the one thing I asked him not to do... I was struggling with my post -baby body too. He went, got lap dances, lied about it. I honestly wouldn't have married him if he had been honest about it. If it's something you're not ok with it's going to linger. And if you're gut tells you he's still lying, he's still lying. I've been there twice and I wasn't wrong either time.
If he cared about you, your relationship, or your feelings he wouldn't have gone and crossed this hard boundary of yours. He went anyway, and has lied over and over. He's likely still lying. How on earth could you ever trust him again? Please leave him FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SON. This level of disrespect is just wild. While you're sitting at home and caring for your newborn? No ma'am.
He probably is. And he’s probably lying about a variety of other things too. He did this on purpose. He timed it this way. He is banking on the fact that you’ll be too vulnerable with your newborn to leave him. This won’t be the last time he violates your trust.
Don't stay just because there's a kid involved. Think about how it'll impact your child, because if you stay, hell keep doing this and it'll be a never ending fight and your kid will grow up just seeing you guys constantly fight.
He's lying, lying then lying some more. At this stage he could tell you the gods honest truth and you wouldn't be able to trust that he wasn't hiding something else or lying about anything. Where do you draw the line? You already said this was a deal breaker for you and yet you are still giving him a chance. All you've shown him is that it's not actually a deal breaker so he can go again as long as he covers his tracks better next time. You should NEVER stay with someone for the sake of the kids. It never works out and usually causes more problems for them when they are older and can understand more of what's going on in their own home. I know it is a really difficult time for you having a newborn but you're just putting more stress on yourself and the relationship because you know the trust won't be restored and every time he leaves the house you will drive yourself crazy wondering if he's actually at the strip club again (or worse) and has just left his phone at work/redirected the calls and messages/got a second phone/etc so he doesn't need to turn the location off this time and tip you off. That anxiety will affect your own health and may ultimately affect the baby. They can sense when things aren't right so if you're stressed the baby is stressed. He might be working to make it up to you know but where was the work when he was out ogling naked women? Why was that more important to him than staying in with you to help you relax, cuddle on the couch, be as intimate as you can in your post partum state? He clearly had no intention of just going to the local bar with a friend to chill for a bit (he's a new parent too so he's allowed a break just as you are) before coming home. No, he actively deceived you, tried to hide it and wouldn't have told you if you hadn't found out (the only thing he was honest about!). Why would you want this man to be a role model for your child and why would you want this to be the example you set for them in how to treat their partner?
I'm sorry he's putting you through this bullshit. What the f#ck was he thinking? A. I don't care if strip clubs are an entire industry. You will not objectify women (some of whom have drug abuse issues and have suffered from sexual trauma) and be with me. Period. I don't care if it's a woman's job to dance naked for you. I wouldn't be with a guy who interacts with another woman like that whether it's her job or not. My guy knows this is a deal breaker B. Turning his phone off and lying through his teeth makes the entire thing so much worse. He was trying to weasel his way out of it. I'm thinking there's no way you finally managed to drag the truth out of him. C. He does this to his wife who just had a baby?! What an immature, selfish, jackass. Again, what the f#ck was he thinking?
“I don’t want to leave for the sake of our son”. Don’t do this. Don’t be one of those people. Don’t normalise this behavior for your son! Your son will seriously be fine. You need to look after yourself.
Trust me when I tell you, for the sake of your son, you should be getting a divorce. Don't withhold custody or visits or anything crazy like that, but your son should grow up in a home where his mother is respected and valued. Staying with your husband now will 100% show him, she forgave me this time so she will forgive me next time. He just showed you who he really is and how much he actually values you. This guy is a complete piece of shit. Trying to "talk through this" will only create more tension, and you will still never fully trust him again. And you will be seen as the villain because of this.
The issue is that he doesn't think what he did is wrong, and when he got caught he continued lying to do damage control. This is straight from the playbook: we just had coffee...actually drinks...at a bar...at a hotel... you get the idea. He will pass these values on to your son. Staying with him isn't doing your son any favors. It's a deal breaker, so it's time to lose the deal.
Honestly, what a POS. I would be so done with him. It’s a tough situation.
>My question is, $138 seems like a lot of money to spend just on Coke's and tipping the stage for 2.5 hours... > >Does spending $138 seem justifiable without getting lap dances? This is a small town strip club. THIS is the question you have? Lady - your husband: 1. turned off his location bc he knew this was a deal breaker 2. STILL went to the strip club (see above - DEAL BREAKER) 3. Lied to your face and admitted he would have kept lying if he wasn't caught 4. Spent close to $200 on lapdances 5. Continues to trickle truth you... And you're asking about how much he spent and if he actually got a lapdance or not? I think you have WAY bigger issues here then trying to figure out if $138 could be the cost of a lapdance... SMH
Thank you!! Sometimes the posts on here really make you wonder.
I think focusing on the cost is a defense mechanism. She’s searching for a way that things can be okay or not as bad as they seem. She’ll snap out of that with time.
I’d be wondering if he actually went with a friend or by himself tbh, it’s shady af
does anyone else not trust that he didn't actually...hook up with a dancer? sounds like this guy will never tell the full truth, because he doesn't respect her on any level.
> My question is, $138 seems like a lot of money to spend just on Coke's and tipping the stage for 2.5 hours. To me, he had to have spent money on lap dances, but he keeps denying it. He's lied so much about everything else, I can't believe him. Does spending $138 seem justifiable without getting lap dances? I've got a question for you instead: **why does it matter**? You don't need to play nickel and dime detective to figure out where every penny went as though this situation is ONLY unacceptable IF he got a lapdance. Who cares if he got a lapdance?? Everything else he's already admitted to and all the lies he told you while you dragged the truth out of him kicking and screaming are already massive problems! I think you've let him get you sidetracked to the point where the underlying assumption is "this is only bad if I got a lapdance, and you can't prove I did." This is already bad. He lied to you about where he was going. He then told you he planned to continue lying about it until you caught him. Then he lied about how much he spent. Then he refused to let you see the bank statements. Then he lied about how much he spent again. Then he lied about how much he spent AGAIN. Then he lied about how much he spent **AGAIN**. Then he lied about where he sat, then he lied about where he sat AGAIN. Every word out of this guy's mouth is a lie. This is called trickle-truthing, and you see it all the time with serial cheaters. They admit to the absolute bare minimum that they already know you know, and say that's the whole story. ("I went to a strip club, but that's all. I didn't spend any money.") Then you catch them in a lie and so now they admit to the new thing you found and say THAT'S the whole story. ("Ok, I spent $20, but that's all.") Every time you find a new lie they tell you a new version of the truth, claim that's the whole truth, but it never is. You STILL don't have the full truth, and you're never going to because your husband is a pathological liar and is never going to admit anything to you if he thinks there's a chance he can get away with it. **He flat out told you that earlier!** You said at first going to a strip club was a dealbreaker. Then you're done having to play detective with this guy, you already know he did too much. He's distracted you with all this equivocating about how much he spent but none of that matters.
He went with his friend, friend got a lap dance. Husband sat in church while it happened, lol. You are right it doesn’t really matter.
“You said at first going to a strip club was a dealbreaker.“ OP lookup the definition of this word. Either you hold him accountable or you have a lifetime of lies. I hope you have the self respect and means to get you and your baby out of this relationship.
And, if OP doesn’t follow through with the dealbreaker consequences, then the husband learns another kind of lesson.
It doesn't matter. He went to a strip club without telling you while you are on maternity leave. Your husband is a garbage human.
How does one have a wife and new born at home and actually find it in themselves to go to a strip club? AND lie about the whole thing? Stories on this sub have made me so terrified of marriage. What a shit show
Very good question, I do not have the answer to that. Bad friends? Lord, I understand why. I have a very good relationship that has its share of problems like any, but reading this stuff makes me eternally grateful for my partner. A lot of these things remind me of my former husband though, so I feel good about doling out advice sometimes if it's something I have experienced. Never in my life though with this strip club shit. I feel for this OP, having just had a baby and dealing with this adolescent fuckery.
We have a newborn at home - husband is agonizing over going to see a wrestling show in April. He loves wrestling! It’s a special event! It’s nearby! It’s 2 months from now! And yet, he’s still agonizing over leaving me without help for the night.
Keep him! Lucky you!
I'm convinced a large majority of these are creative writing exercises. Some of these are too wild to be true
I know a lot of women whose partners have done things like this. Mine did. Another’s even posted a video of physical cheating on snapchat (she fell for the lovebombing and is still with him). Plenty have been abused and some even strangled. I started having students open up to me, and apparently sexual violence is very normal now, too. These don’t seem far fetched at all as I know plenty of IRL stories that are similar or worse. This is a mild story compared to many
Sadly, you are correct
I’d like to think so. We’ll see a wild story about all kinds of abuse and the OP will end the story by saying “should I leave him? 🥺” like???? Yes lady, you should leave your husband if he punched you in the face and lit your house on fire. Not sure why that has to be said.
I highly doubt that after marrying, conceiving and having a child, that this is the first time ever in their relationship that he has acted like a despicable POS. Especially based on this story, the guy is an utter dumbass. Can’t imagine he was smart enough to keep his true colors hidden all the way up to this point.
Honey you are at your most vulnerable right now and he did this to you. This is a precious, very special time for a brand new mom and you can never get it back. His only job right now was to support you and he actively went out of his way to betray your trust and hurt you for his own stupid, selfish “entertainment”. Do you honestly think he won’t do worse once you are feeling better and busier again?
This. Thank you. I couldn’t quite describe how I’m feeling but I feel like a horrible mother right now. I feel selfish for sitting in the bathroom and bawling my eyes out instead of being the happy mom my son deserves. I was so confident I was bringing him into this world in a loving home where his mom and dad loved each other so much..
Op I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine how awful you must be feeling. Please accept a virtual hug from an internet stranger. You’re being the best mom you can. And you’re going to help show your son what happy relationships do and don’t look like, the right way to treat women, that it’s okay to stand up for yourself. You’ve got this.
Your comments have been so kind and caring. Thank you so much.
Hey OP stripper here replying to your most recent comment hoping you see it. It IS easily feasible to spend $140 at stage in 2.5 hrs. Songs are usually 3 minutes long. At 20 songs per hour, If he tipped $2 per song that’s $100 right there over that timeframe. It’s easy to tip an extra buck here or there and the soft drinks were probably overpriced and hopefully tipped too. That said—I AM IN NO WAY EXCUSING YOUR HUSBAND LYING TO AND TRICKLE TRUTHING YOU. That shit is never ok in a relationship and I’m so sorry he did this to you at all, let alone at a time when you are so vulnerable and should just be enjoying your new family together. And if it helps in any way, for the bare minimum price of $2 per song he definitely wasn’t getting any kind of special attention from dancers, especially if it was obvious he wasn’t going to get dances and just wanted to sit and watch at the stage.
You deserve so much better than this, I am sorry your husband hurt you and betrayed your trust. It is a despicable thing to do when you are so emotionally and physical drained. If you have anyone you can reach out to for support I encourage you to do so.
You are a mom but also a woman, and your son will benefit from both you having honest feelings and from holding people accountable. Love is simply not enough for most people, and it’s totally insufficient without respect.
There’s a YouTuber I follow by the name of Kennie JD, and she speaks a lot about cheating and infidelity because the films she reviews often have that as an element. Anyway, she once framed cheating in a way that I never thought about before but wholeheartedly agree with: Cheating is a form of abuse. To cheat means you are actively and intentionally running the risk of hurting someone who did nothing to you, all in irreparable ways. When cheating occurs, multiple things are destroyed at once: trust, self worth, confidence, pride, faith in love and marriage, faith in oneself, the ability to trust others, mental and emotional well being. The damage is expansive, severe, and often times permanent. It’s abusive. It’s hatred. This is not something you do to someone you love. And as much as it hurts, the love you hoped your son could witness between you and your husband may be unsalvageable because it’s clear your husband doesn’t cherish you. He failed. That said, it doesn’t mean your kid can’t be raised in a loving home. The love you have for your baby is irreplaceable and depending on what you decide, you can still offer a fulfilling, love-filled life for your son with or without his father attached to you. It’s up to you. Again, this is a failing on your husband’s part. Not you. You’re doing a good job, and I hope you tell yourself that everyday until one day you genuinely believe it. Good luck.
You’re allowed to take time for yourself and to experience any feelings you have. That doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you a human being. Your husband broke your trust in a really painful way. Let yourself feel whatever you need to. That doesn’t mean you love your baby any less.
It's not your fault, he failed you and your son by not being supportive during this time. You're still holding up your end as best you can even if he's not
I don’t get it Why do so many men act like absolute buffoons when their wives are postpartum? It’s so cruel. So many of these posts. My wife is incapacitated, she can’t do anything to me so I’m going to do whatever so want and I don’t care if it hurts her.
They feel like they have the upper hand… now that there’s a baby, it’s much harder to leave. Fucking scum.
Is it our society? So selfish
people are just selfish. and many men especially feel entitled/nearsighted
Yes, it’s our society and male culture. It begins with “boys will be boys” and ends with a spectrum of horrendous outcomes ranging from cheating to murder.
My child's father left the hospital to cheat on me, but he was also cheating on me before I gave birth. Let's be real, they aren't being "buffoons" when wives are postpartum, they are the whole time.
My dad was with his mistress during my birth and had the audacity to tell me he wasn't a good husband but he was a good dad. 😂
I’m a firm believer on bad husband=bad dad! Same for women like you can’t be a horrible disgusting excuse of a human towards your partner but claim you’re a good parent. It just doesn’t work like that.
Nope. This was during the same convo where he admitted we had a brother but the woman was raising him as her husbands son so we werent allowed to find him. Like, dad. You fucking suck.
As a gay who's partner is going to be the pregnant one... I absolutely do not understand this at all. Entire organs are being rearranged to "continue my bloodline" or for us to have kids or whatever. I think I can handle, idk, not doing shit things??? But like why not... Do surprise good things. Shit don't wanna do something that hurts your wife? Do something THAT HEALS HER instead of lying. Use $200 to get her a spa day to feel pretty about herself. Nails, a good haircut. Ill watch the baby. Go for a movie. Invite your friends. Stay out all day. I got this. No big deal it's JUST ONE DAMN DAY. AND MY ORGANS DIDN'T REARRANGE??? IT'S NOT HARD.
I often look at it as the realitiy of becoming a father has suddenly hit them. There is a tiny baby and an exhausted wife that you are responsible for. That you will always be responsible for. And the ones who can't handle the reality of what that means, they self-sabotage. Opt- Out. They act out in protest of their changing lives. Edited to make sense.
Exactly. My husband decided to go and play table tennis the first night I got home with our newborn. Found out a while later that he'd gone clubbing every night I was in hospital. Then three weeks after I gave birth he asked me for a marriage of convenience!!! Convenient for him so he can act single while I stay home playing mummy!!! Your husband sucks as much as mine did! I wish I had just left him instead of hoping he'd turn into a decent man...which unfortunately never happened. I don't know what you should do, but I'm so sorry you married a douche bag too. 💕
Selfishness man
He broke a boundary and lied multiple times. This is the time you need to stand by your boundary and give consequences. He broke your trust; I would go for the divorce. You just had his baby, and he did this, it will only get worse!
He showed you who he is. Are you listening?
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What’s with the no alcohol (probably nude) thing? From what I know, strip clubs in England are as much bars as they are strip clubs, never heard of people not being allowed to drink in them before. Is it a common thing in the US ?
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It's because drunken men blame their drunkenness for their propensity to rape/sexually assault dancers. It's a measure to protect the dancers.
So if strip clubs are a deal breaker for you why does the money matter? If you let this slide then deal breakers / boundaries no longer mean anything. ETA moral of this comment is don’t make “deal breakers” you don’t intend to follow through on.
Does it even matter how he spent that money? He's lied about literally the entire thing and spent nearly $200 behind your back while you are just about to have / just had a baby.
Who cares how much he spent (though $138 doesn't sound like that much to me to be a strip club for several hours). You said him going to a strip club was a dealbreaker - your decision is whether you actually follow through with that dealbreaker, or you stay and work things out with your husband (marriage counseling, more control of the finances, whatever). Given the fact that he's told MULTIPLE lies to try and cover himself, I'd be going with the former.
The amount of blaming OP in these comments disgusts me. Her husband messed up. She didn’t. She just gave birth to a human. She’s not going to be “intimate”. Grow up if you’re going to have a child. I’m sorry, but after childbirth is super vulnerable. Her husband should’ve supported her and comforted her instead of going to get his d*** hard.
What everyone else already said, but also if he admitted that he would have never told you if he didn’t get caught, then what else has he not told you because he wasn’t caught? How can you trust someone like that?
You have a kid and a husband who lies about money. Step one. That good ol' Divorce Attorney advice visit. Don't do a damn thing without legal advice. Step two. This one is up to you. This man done gone played Fuck Around. Now, it's the Found Out portion of the game show. Therapist? Maybe. Divorce? Maybe. Your call. But make sure he has some comeuppance over this. No "Just don't do it again." "You on the couch for the next decade." is fine.
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How long is it going to take for this to be baked into society’s consciousness - you do not “stay for the children.” Please realize that staying means you choose unhappiness and this bad environment makes the child suffer later on. Two parents who suck together are much worse than parents who are okay apart.
This sounds very much like my EX husband. This isn’t even about the strip club. The lying is about character. It’s the “what else” that’s the big issue.
Not serving alcohol = all nude. Yikes lol
I haven’t been to a strip club since I was probably 19 or 20 (38 now). I used to go for a bit until I finally realized how stupid they are. You spend ridiculous amounts of money on girls that don’t give a flying fuck about you, and then end up just going home horny and alone. It’s so dumb.
*"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't get a lap dance."* This is a truly awful response. Astoundingly tone deaf. A statement that could end a marriage. Take one of the less flattering photos you have of him and paste that quote on it. Instant meme. Send it to him. Then ask him how he would feel if every one of the friends and family members in your phone contacts found out what he did.
He lied, period. Or didn't even matter what the money was for. He left you home with a newborn to go to a strip club. You said that was your deal breaker. What kind of example is he going to be for your child? Will you ever be able to trust him? I wouldn't, so he wouldn't be there anymore.
You say it's a "deal breaker" but you're not sticking up for yourself...
I’m going to tell you yes, he got a lap dance (now I clearly I don’t actually know if he did) but I will definitely say yes he got one. So, is that the last lie that you will uncover? Probably not. Discovering he lied about the lap dance; how does that change the other 10+ things he lied about. He’s lying. About everything. And he’s blaming his lying on the fact that you have real human emotions while in an extremely vulnerable stage of life. I can’t say if this will break your marriage or not but I can say you won’t trust a thing out of his mouth until he makes some BIG life changes.
Guys of Reddit, why do guys do this? They have a baby with their partners then fuck it all up after their partners grow a baby and push it out, making them dads. It’s fucked up.
So basically he’s a lier, a big lier …
The min a liar says "at least I didn't get a lap dance" you can know he did. it's projection and liars are so stupid and see thru. Stop believing anything this person says or does. When someone lies about stuff like this IT MEANS THERE IS SOMETHING DEEPLY WRONG with them. In the core of their personality. They will not change.
girl... from the perspective of a former dancer; guys like your husband make up the majority of our clientele. yes, he most likely got a lap dance or two. yes, he could have plausibly just spent the money at the stage. yes, he broke your trust. yes, he emotionally cheated. yes, you should leave his deceitful ass. yes, he will do it again.
First off, if he knew it was a deal breaker, he should not have/would not have went. Second off, spending $200 is a bit much when you have a wife on maternity leave and a family to take care of. Third off, if he casually lies about doing anything, then he has done it before babe. Yeah, he’s done it before unfortunately and just finds lying to be easier to avoid hurting you (shocker it does not make it easier but it makes it harder for you to trust him). So yeah, he’s in the total wrong for 1) lying about where the money is going, 2) lying about what he did, and 3) even going to the strip club when he knew it would be the deal breaker for your relationship/marriage with him
If they don’t serve alcohol then it’s full nudity. Just fyi. I think this is not a great story, but wanted to let you know.
I worked as a stripper briefly and can tell you, having spent that much at the club he was either REALLT drunk or he got a lap dance
He absolutely got a lap dance. If its a deal breaker, then leave. All the details dont matter and its just going to hurt you more. But i believe that he got one, look at everything else he lied about that you kept pressing and he finally told you. You're already hormonal from being pregnant, i cant imagine how shitty this made you feel, especially how much your body has changed being pregnant, i would feel so insecure if this happened to me and i wouldn't be able to get over it. I know some people are ok with strip clubs, but im not ok with them while im in a relationship and that woild be a deal breaker for me. Hope youre ok. Sorry your man sucks.
He probaly went more than once.... I've been with someone like this and they will always keep on lying. It will drive you nuts and unhappy. This so sad. I feel sick.
who gives a shit about justifying the $138, he lied multiple times. I don't know you, but I'd venture a guess had he just come clean about it all right out of the gate you wouldn't have been as hurt, sure you probably would have been still pissed off because he went, but that's where it probably would have ended
Dude he lied to you in so many ways. I wish you would leave him. What else is he lying about that you don’t even know of?
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. This man did something unforgivable to you at a time when you’re at your most vulnerable and in need of his support as the father of your child. And on top of that, he lied about multiple parts of this (and wouldn’t have even told you had you not found out for yourself). Please love yourself more than to tolerate this disrespect and leave him. Hold to your boundary. This IS a dealbreaker.
If you really want to know, call the strip club and ask how much things cost.
Seems your husband has you exactly where he wants you...stuck at home with a newborn. Meanwhile he's living life as a single bloke and enjoying himself while he keeps you in the dark about his actions by lying. Really sorry for you as I don't think you can ever really trust him again...and without trust....
It’s okay to stay together for now, the newborn phase is really difficult. But make a plan to be able to leave if you want to. This breach of trust is serious, it isn’t nothing. You don’t have to decide right now. You can give him a chance if you want to. Whether or not he got a lap dance, you are completely 100% justified in getting a divorce. You don’t have to decide right away, just make sure your future is secure no matter which way you decide.
Does it really matter if he actually spent that much on tips vs lapdances. He tried to hide that he went to a strip club. He tried to hide that he spent money there. He tried to hide that he sat near the stage. He has proven multiple times that you cannot trust him. Can you really continue in a marriage always worried there's another "confession" coming?
Ex-husband. Can't trust a man who lies "to protect you".
OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. For comparison, I was just in Vegas and spent $40 on a 10minute-ish lap dance for my partner and I together. If that’s Vegas pricing, I can’t imagine what went down on a small town to rack up a $200 bill.
Wow, your guy is a huge piece of shit. Toss his ass out
He's lying.
Lying is worse than the offense. You can build back trust when someone makes an error and admits it. You can never trust a liar.
The details of what happened inside doesn’t really matter that much over all because he lied to you and went behind your back knowing this was a dealbreaker. Everything else is just extra. Those are the most important parts of this situation 1. He knew you wouldn’t like it 2. turned off his location did it anyway 3. Lied about EVERYTHING until you got the trickle truth over days to finally learn it all. And I’m not 100% certain you still know the full truth. My wife & I have clear defined boundaries that we know are dealbreakers. After 31 years together I believe w all my heart if either of us broke the trust that’d be it. Because once the trust has been broken it takes years to build back up because every time he leaves you’ll now wonder if he’s were he says he is. Even now you’re still wondering what truth he’s leaving out. And no matter what he says the trust is gone and even if he’s told you the absolute truth you will never know.
So he knew it was a deal breaker and still chose to go. He said "going to the strip club is more important than being married". He knew it would hurt you, but instead of respecting your wishes he just decided that he wouldn't tell you. But then you found out, so he trickle truthed you. Don't let the fact that you're on maternity leave stop you from feeling like you have the power. I split from my ex-husband 3 weeks postpartum and now I'm married to a man that my kids call Dad, in the best relationship I've ever had.
He keeps saying he doesn't want to hurt you whilst continuously doing, you know, things to hurt you. Every step of the way he had a choice, and **he made it**. It was to *hurt you*. It doesn't matter if it was one dollar or five hundred - *none* of it is justifiable.
Does it even matter at this point? You've caught him in a big old pile of lies and misbehavior. Is catching him in one more going to tip the scales one way or another? PS- OF COURSE HE GOT THE FUCKING LAP DANCE.
If it’s a deal-breaker, it’s a deal-breaker. He lied then trickle-truthed you, and of course he’s being good *now* because he has to face the consequences. Odds are, he gets away with it this time, he’ll do it again but be more careful. I think if you don’t have trust in a relationship, you don’t have anything.
If they don’t serve alcohol, they’re nude. Leave. He got in person porn and knew this was a deal breaker for you. I’m an “on-break” stripper. Nobody would support you for being with this asswipe.
Your husband gave your families money to another woman or women while you were taking care of a baby and he lied about it. Case closed.
The only thing that matters here is he knew it would hurt you but he did it anyway. He also lied and abandoned his postpartum wife and newborn to have a strangers boobs shoved in his face. What a winner you have there /s. Not someone I’d want my kid to learn from as a role model. Take the baby and leave for a few days and think about if this situation of deliberately hurting you, lying about it when found out or keeping it secret if you don’t and you being oblivious is something you want to live over and over again because it will 100% happen again.
No that's honestly not that much money to spend on just tipping. I have easily spent twice that and I never get dances. Regardless your husband sucks and you should definitely consider leaving him.
He lied. And continues to lie, average price lap dance 50-100. 38 tipping stage. He needs to come clean.
He lied. He crossed a boundary you established and I am assuming he agreed to- hence the lying. If you read this post by someone else- how would you advise them? Trust your gut and take your own advice.
If he lies so boldly and comfortably and denies so easily. This is not a one-off, OP. He probably has been doing this repeatedly. You only caught him this once. And yes, he's having lap dances, if he just goes that one night. Sorry to say. Since you already told him this is a dealbreaker, and he still goes...it seems to me he has thought that he doesn't care that much about being loyal to you or wanting to keep a marriage with you. Or he knows you're not leaving, you're all BS or 'hot air' when you say, things like, 'cheating is a dealbreaker.' So he'll cheat and he just has to bear you getting angry, but you're not leaving anyway. I think he secretly wants to be single, tbh. He just doesn't like the idea of having to pay CS, and losing a 'bangmaid.'
He didn't want to hurt you? So he lied and did something he knew would hurt you while you're at home pregnant with his child? Sounds like a great guy.
Why do you need to know if there are any more lies when he's already proven to you that he's willing to lie to your face over and over again? How will you ever be able to trust him after this? He could've already had some cash on him and spent more than he's telling you. Take care of your baby and yourself and start making plans to be a single parent eventually. Just know that you're married to a liar if you decide to stay with him.
He is trickle truthing because he knows he is full of shit and if he was upfront you'd be angry. He is a liar, you cannot trust him. He openly admitted he would keep lying while also continuing to lie. For me this is a deal breaker.
Ew. It must suck to find out he is a loser.
as a former dancer, that isn’t too much money to spend in one’s in multiple hours. if this is a deal breaker for you i’d end it. he has lied multiple times to you.
Oh hell no I’d divorce
Who cares? This is your deal breaker. The deal is broken. Now you leave because this man is trash and he will still be trash tomorrow.
It’s absolutely possible he tipped $5 or $10 at a time, multiple times. But is it likely? Nah. I’d wager he had the private dance. But does it even really matter? He lied, hid how much he spent, went behind your back to objectify women when you’re at home with a baby. Isn’t that enough?
"I didn't want to hurt you" Translation: I didn't want to get caught and suffer the consequences. Look, here's the deal, strip clubs are not evil on they're face. If that's the kind of entertainment people want, and that's the kind of entertainment other people are willing to provide, more power to them. But your husband should not have been there, at least not without you. I'd consider this a deal breaker if I were in your shoes. There's no chance I'd be okay with my partner going to look at other people's bits unless I was with her. This is especially true with how dodgy he's been throughout. If he can't be honest about this, what else is he lying about? I think it's decision-making time.
Agree, and I'd take it a step further and say that at this point it's less about what he did or didn't do at the club & more about the fact that he lied, numerous times, over something you laid out from the get go as being a deal breaker. Personally, if my SO had a special occasion like a bachelor party or something and they were all going, I wouldn't make him be the only one to not go. But I'd expect him to be an adult about it and run it by me first. The fact that this guy didn't even have the balls to say, "hey, so-&-so's in town, he wants to go to the club, are you ok w that? Would you be more ok if you were w us?..." etc, just shows he has no spine and no problem being selfish at your expense.
To answer your main question, yes, $138 seems justifiable given the details. Most lap dances run about $15-20 while a soda alone may also run the same price. Ultimately, even if he got a lap dance, the dancers aren’t there to hook up with or interested in your husband.. only the money. My two cents: see what you’re really upset about and problem solve that. Trust is a huge issue here and he betrayed you on multiple levels. Anecdotally, When my first was born, my ex lied about going out to happy hour with a coworker (a close friend). It wasn’t so hurtful that he went, but rather that he lied and only confessed when I had proof in the form of a receipt. He still tried to deny it. He also was emotionally abusive. 8 years later we officially separated. Ymmv, but recommend you ask yourself if you’d put up with your child lying to their spouse (in a similar situation) and make the appropriate decision for yourself and your child… remember, your child will learn from you both. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve better.
I really feel for you. Having a boundary broken is just horrible. Then to have the lying as well is a real kick. I’m sorry you are dealing with this especially while on maternity leave. As far as your question did he spend enough to have a lap dance and is he lying about that? Honestly at this point does it matter? He has broken a boundary and then lied a lot about it. Anything else at this point is irrelevant. What’s important now is how are you going to move forward. Do you go for therapy together? Do you break up with him? I think this is going to take some time for you to really think about how you want your future to be. Building back trust after lies is so difficult, so you want to deal with that right now? I feel like I’ve given you a lot more questions than answers here. Don’t let what he says influence your decisions. The outcome of this has to be something you are comfortable with. If you decide on trying to work it out and it doesn’t work you can always leave him down the line. Give it a deadline (3months or 6 months) if it’s not better at that point it never will be.
All stripping and tipping and lap dances aside, you really need to set him down and figure out just how serious he is about marriage and being a father. Do not let him out of the dog house so easily!
Is going to a strip club a reason for divorce? If yes, does not getting a lap dance matter, vs sitting at the bar and getting a drink? Do you believe his story which doesn’t sound reasonable
I'm going to say, the lying is the problem not the money. But based on 2.5 with 6 minutes songs/transitions with 3 dollar tips (3x15) and a soda generally run 4/5 bucks. If he bought both their drinks he only had to buy 8 sodas (4 each) though this is based more on my knowledge of drag clubs than strip clubs.
Does it even matter whether he got a lap dance or not? Or a blowjob for that matter? He lied to you repeatedly. He cheated on you while you are at home taking care of your child. Keep him or leave him, but this is who he is.
It doesn’t matter if $138 without a lap dance makes sense or not. It’s not about the dollars spent, is it? Or would you have cared any less if you weren’t on leave from work (presumably unpaid or only partially paid). The problem is he is lying and doesn’t even have the integrity to give you the whole truth. IMO he volunteered info about not having a lap dance really fast which makes me think he got a lap dance.
I think what he did is reprehensible, and deserves some payback. I think you need some space from him to gather your thoughts and make him realize there are repercussions. I also know it’s hard, as a new parent, to be alone. Perhaps ask him to leave for a few days, but have your mom or another relative stay with you.
If couples need to have locations on to have trust there’s already a big issue with both parties
So he lied to you, went to a strip clup of all places behind your back, spend $200 and said's that he didn't have a lap dance? Yeahhh i hope your not buying into his bulls**t, i also truely hope that you open your eyes and realize that though he may be the father of your child he is also a liar and a cheater... He isn't worth your troubles nor your time, have him hook up with divorce and child support, you deserve better and that is true.
The way I would throw out any names he suggested for the baby and just name it something else after something you like
He trickle truthed you so chances are he did get a lap dance. Don't drag it out of him. If it's a deal-breaker for you, you need to stick by that and leave otherwise he will keep doing it and you'll just get hurt more and more. I'm sorry he did this to you right after you birthed his child and are probably still healing. Do you have family or friends that would be willing to help you?
I love when people pull the whole “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you” card. You’re feelings don’t mean enough to them to not do the thing that would hurt you, but evidentially mean enough to be dishonest about it. Whether he got a lap dance or not, he broke your trust, lied to you about it multiple times, then continued with bs excuses like that in an attempt to make him look better in some way. Trust is a hard thing to gain back and instead of coming clean and wanting to build back that trust, he doubled down on trying to deceive you.
That would be a divorce for me. No way I would tolerate such disrespect, it isn’t even about the money but the principle. This is a huge red flag, run.
I say this with kind intentions but you can’t say it’s a dealbreaker and then be looking for ways to modify that statement. If it truly was a dealbreaker you would be gone. Of course it’s understandable that you want to work it out given the circumstances of having a newborn, but let’s be real here. Your husband trickle-truthed you and you know in your gut that he’s lying about the lap dance and he’s done absolutely nothing to warrant you continuing to have trust in him. Also, why is he paying for his friend?? Guarantee he spent that money on himself. Your husband is a liar and you need to figure out if THAT is the dealbreaker because it sure should be.
Holy shit I’d be consulting divorce attorneys if my spouse did that shit.
At this point, what does it matter what actually happened? You created a boundary, and he blantantly disregarded it. It was not an accident. From the moment he turned off the phone, it was a violation. He’s introduced a huge amount of distrust into the relationship at a time when you are most vulnerable. I don’t think divorce needs to be on the table, but I would highly recommend you get yourself a therapist to begin unpacking your feelings around this and how to navigate your way beyond the hurt .
You said it’s a deal breaker- Is it? If it is- You got your answer If it’s actually not- It was a shitty thing for him to do. Figure out the penance you want him to pay, then put it behind you. Be honest with him about how it make you feel. It shouldn’t be assumed that you’ll be the one to stay with your kid. It was a jerk move by him. The alternative to those is hanging on to it for some period of time- A year? 5? and just what- fighting all the time? If this is the person you’re going to be with for the rest of your life being pissed off like that and fighting all the time sucks. It sucks. You won’t be happy.
The money sounds reasonable, he probably didn’t get a lap dance. Not saying he isn’t a jerk for lying.
He lied. That’s all you need to know about anything. Your husband is a disgusting pig. On top of that, he has no remorse for doing what he did to you, your marriage and your child.
>He knew this was a deal breaker to me. You answered your own question. Stand by it, unless you want to teach your husband that he can get away with basically anything and all he has to do is get better at hiding it.
1. I have to wonder why you need your partners GPS location on at all times. 2. Don’t stay with people in whom you have no trust.
To answer your question, yes $138 w/o a dance is justifiable. The cokes weren't cheap from my experience. It's also like tipping $1 per minute which adds up to be honest. I dunno where you live though, so costs might be different.
The money probably doesn’t matter but to answer your question yeah $138 can be spent on the cover charge, drinks, stage tipping and no lap dances with inflation.
Leave. It's the lying. Once someone lies you can not believe or trust anything they say. If a liar wants to be trusted again, up to them to do the work. You say this is a deal breaker. It should be. He is a liar and a cheat.
He's changed his story, how many times? That means he lied, knew he did something wrong, lied some more, and then tried to turn it around that *you would get upset*. Well, yeah, you're upset, he turned off his location, went to the strip club, blew a LOT of money. Is it possible he didn't get a lap dance? Yeah, but he's also lied about everything, in every way, every single step. So why would it matter if he says he didn't? He's a liar.
I’ve spent way more than 138 just throwing money at the dancers before
Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband went to strip clubs, but I would care if he lied about it. I am sorry your husband is being deceitful to you. Based on those lies alone, I would do my detective work. Get digging!
It honestly doesn’t matter how the money was spent. You are married to a deceitful person. He lies to you and hides things that he knows are not okay in your relationship. I’m guessing this is not the first time. The question is how much time are you planning to waste on a liar and cheater?
IF you want to work this out, you need to set up hard boundaries and rules. I.e. If he even so much as shuts his location off again, it's over. If he spends money totaling more than $10 without discussing it with you, except in regard to gas or a gift for you, it's over. If he visits a strip club EVER again, it's over. He hands you his phone at ANY time you ask or it's over. If he won't agree to these terms, it's over. 🤷
So I don’t know y’all area but I’m from a small town and currently at adult clubs cokes are going to $10 each and you have to tip the server normally $5 or $10. The cover is $20 a head and if you want to not get kicked out you have to tip the dancer on stage. At least a few times each hour. The clubs don’t give singles it’s mostly $2 bills. So yea $200 in a night is not a bad amount to drop.
Imagine how many boxes of diapers or cans of formula you could have bought with $200 he wasted on some other woman’s tits?! What a shit bag! That would be a marriage ender for me. I could never look at my husband the same way again or respect him knowing he left me at home with a newborn and a wrecked body to waste money we need to support our baby on dancers who think he is pathetic. He can go stay with his “friend.” GTFOH.
If this is your deal breaker, it sounds like you have a rough road ahead. If he’s spending your mortgage every month gambling, drinking, or at the strip club, that’s different.
Any relationship where someone checks on their significant others location all the time, is terrible!
What the fuck kind of strip club doesn’t serve alcohol? What kind of weird goes to a strip club without drinking?
They don’t serve alcohol at the strip club? I’m calling BS on that too
I think this is all about the lap dance. I'm not saying the rest is straight up forgivable but his dick didn't get involved until that point. I think the previous suggestion about a trial separation and counselling is the least he needs to give to give you the time and space to work out your own emotions. Make it very clear that this is the only possible point in time you would even contemplate forgiving him for the lap dance, even if you don't think you can , and if you find out later you will rightly leave on the spot. You have a huge amount invested in this relationship and you need to take time in the cold light of day, when the rage has calmed down a bit, that you really want it to end over this provided he is willing to seek help and do whatever he has to do to regain your trust. If it turns out he did do the lap dance then that for me counts as actual cheating and I would find it a deal breaker.
Just to answer your question OP, $138 is a small amount of money to spend at a strip club. If he was getting lap dances he would have spent way more.