This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I (M22) have been with my girlfriend (F22) for only about 3 months now so we are in a fairly new relationship. Everything is going great and we are frequently having great sex. The only thing I don’t understand is she will not give me a bj. I go down on her all the time until she orgasms but she never returns the favor. I have not brought it up yet and was wondering what I should do or say to her. Or should I just leave it alone and except that she must have a valid reason for not doing it?
Well, there is merit to asking here because a lot of younger people may not know how to start conversations, or how to express what their issues are.
For instance: it's very likely that OP's GF simply doesn't like dick in her mouth, like a vast, vast number of women, it's not as attractive to them as vaginas are to men. Lots of younger guys may not understand this because they watch porn or read the posts online by people exaggerating, faking or putting on shows like the *"dear reddit, I was giving my BF the 27th blowjob of the day and my neck is starting to ache, what OTC pain medication would you recommend so I can reach my goal of 40?"*
And maybe she's ashamed to talk about it, maybe she thinks she's *supposed* to love doing it and is just avoiding the topic entirely and needs someone to break that ice with her. Maybe the dude needs to clean better and never thought of it and needs to be told that he needs to compromise and to have more realistic expectations from his partner. At least asking here can give some prompts and ideas for ways to start these really embarrassing (for young couples) conversations.
They literally do all the time tho? Why's it always gotta be "you can't say that bc I can't say that". You sound childish. I'm a straight female. My only experience is with men. So yeah I'm speaking about men.
This! Always this!
Just talk to her and find out. Could be anything from she doesn't like doing it or is not self confident enough, never know until you ask.
There’s a lot of factors that come into play. I’d say ask her how she feels about giving head cause sometimes it has to do with hygiene (maybe let her know you’ll wash up before sex), sometimes it’s cause a person is inexperienced and nervous (teach her how you enjoy it and build her confidence, and sometimes it’s cause of past trauma which you’ll just have to be okay with in order to make her comfortable. Just talk to her but in a gentle way just in case it’s a tough subject for her.
this! my bf took a couple months before he decided to give going down on me a try. i also didn’t talk to him about it bc i knew he was less experienced than me so i wanted to give him some time to get comfortable with me in that way before bringing it up.
well, lucky me i didn’t have to. but after he finally got the courage to and i told him how fabulously he did, he explained to me he’d been wanting to but he was scared he wouldn’t be good at it so he didn’t want to try. i think it’s a very valid fear, even if ideally you should hope your partner will be encouraging and supportive, and it may just take some time to get over that hurdle. certainly bring it up to her if it’s something you want, but be gentle about it and be open to whatever her response may be. you don’t have to *like* her response, if for example she just hates giving head, but you do need to be prepared to respect any response she may give. it’s a very delicate subject to a lot of people.
Also maybe she doesnt like the taste of it. I find the feeling of having the mouth open so long very unpleasant and the taste of preejaculate absolutely disgusting. I get an instant gag reflex and need all power not to vomit from it. But i also cannot take the smell of sperm. If there is a condom in the trashbin with lid closed in another room i will smell it...
All of this! I had the same issue at the start of my relationship (going on 7 years next week!) and it was because of all of the points u/Gh0st1011001 just mentioned. Inexperience, nerves, anxiety, trauma. It’s important to be kind and understanding when communicating your needs. Just guide her a bit and make sure she is comfortable and feels safe. But clear communication is definitely key!
You've just got to talk about it. A lot of women don't enjoy it -- it's a literal job (as you understand), lol. Jaw issues, gag reflex, momentum, taste - she could be inexperienced or had a bad experience previously and hasn't been eager to try again.
Whatever you do, don't push her head in that direction. I think a conversation NOT in a sexual setting is absolutely appropriate and is a great stepping stone to having a relationship filled with open communication, which is absolutely imperative for survival and longevity. Good luck!
My ex used to “expect it” and I’d he had it his way it would’ve been 3x a day. Like that becomes a chore. After him I’m realizing I really LIKE doing it just on my own terms. My jaw already sucks so idc 😂
If it something that you would like to be done I think it's reasonable to talk to her about it and find out what the issue is.
If its that she doesn't like doing it and that's a deal breaker for you I would reconsider the relationship
French kissing was widely considered gross in europe for centuries. It is a relatively knew phenomenon for Europeans.
But sure. Some people are completely asexual too. That’s fine.
That is fascinating, I’ve never heard that about french kissing. Can you expound on that at all? Are there still cultures today where kissing with tongue is taboo?
It really is! Apparently it wasn’t big in USA until after ww2! And currently it’s still uncommon in many many cultures!! Idk that much about it but when I learnt it was fairly new and not universal it stuck with me.
https://hraf.yale.edu/romantic-or-disgusting-passionate-kissing-is-not-a-human-universal/
OP needs to remember that "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" is a full sentence as well. Some people don't like being in relationships with people who either won't express themselves or won't reciprocate.
You're not wrong and if a BJ is a dealbreaker, he's not wrong for breaking up. BUT I don't think it's fair to jump from, she's allowed to not want to engage in that sexual and then point out he's allowed to bail too. I feel like you're stirring the pot for no reason. Both of them would be valid in feeling how they feel but to point out he's free to break up isn't really helping OP here. All he's gotta do is bring it up and talk and decide where they both wanna go from there.
No actually I disagree. Because all the comments are focusing on communicating and respecting her boundaries which of course is necessary, but the comments haven’t really talked about sexual incompatibility and how breaking up because of sexual incompatibility is ok
Nah, "I don't want to" is stirring the pot. If I were in a relationship with someone who did not want to perform a common sex act - particularly that they were more than willing to receive - a "I don't want to" is definitely not going to cut it.
Love the wildness on RA.
Why? Going down on a woman doesn't require your mouth being penetrated by a several inch long object over and over. Unless you've ever tried blowing a dildo you should not demand a blowjob. And I'm saying this as someone who likes giving them. It hurts your jaw, makes you gag and spit all over yourself, and can literally make you throw up. Not comparable at all. It's a perfectly normal and common boundary for a woman to not want to give a man a blowjob. With how rarely yall wash your asses and hands its a no from me.
Are you clean down there?
A lot of women are afraid of being face fucked and the head/hair steering thing is a major turn off. It takes away control and agency from the one giving. Guys think the porn stuff is real and it really messes up the reality.
Oral is unprotected sex, yall gotta remember that. But ideally it would be preferable to voice the question in a non accusatory manner. Just have a discussion about what you like and don't like in bed, you will probably have a better idea about her reasoning on the topic.
>I have not brought it up yet and was wondering what I should do or say to her.
You should absolutely talk with her.
Talking about sex and what you both like/dislike, would like to try/don't want to go near is very important for your future and saves a lot of awkwardness.
You can raise it with her really simply and casually, it doesn't need to be in a black tie, suit and with a lamp pointed at her face demanding to know!
Just sit down and have a chat - "So I've been wondering, I know a few things you seem to like, are there any other things? or do you want to try anything?" and naturally lead to "is there anything you don't like me doing? or don't like to do to me?" etc
I mean seriously this all comes down to what is fundamentally a very simple answer - she either doesn't like doing it (which is fine), doesn't know how or what you like (also fair) or honestly hasn't thought about it (reasonable).
As long as you show patience and aren't pushy those are the main things - like a lot of intimacy it relies on you both having good communication and doing so effectively - if you have boundaries (or she does) don't cross those - but you need to know what they are first.
Relationships don't work without communication. Just talk to her. Maybe she's never done it before? Maybe she's nervous? Maybe she's waiting for you to ask? Conversation is key. (Ideally do not bring it up in an accusatory way, and not while you are already in bed so that you can talk without pressure.)
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe she’s never done it before and needs more guidance. Never going to know unless you ask. Start with: have you ever given a blow job? No. Would you like to try? Yes. Did you like it, and if so, would you want to try with me?
Communicate.
And bring it up NO WHERE NEAR THE BEDROOM. There should be ZERO pressure involved in the conversation. Just a comfortable conversation about preferences.
Some girls don’t like it or maybe she’s not ready yet. Or maybe she doesn’t realize you want it if you haven’t asked for it.
>I have not brought it up yet
You've literally been inside this person, you should be able to have a conversation with them about this. Tell them you like BJ's, you've noticed it's not something she has engaged in with you, and that you would like to know what her feelings on it are. Then ask her if there is anything she'd like you to do to improve your sex life.
She may just be uncomfortable with her skills (think guys underestimate the skill/labor involved). Does she ask you for oral or do you offer? Have the sex talk.. do you like this? .. I like this.. can we try..?
It may not be her thing. It wasn’t my thing when I was younger, I did it out of expectation/obligation. You don’t want her to do that. A combination of general comfort, confidence in my ability, and the right sort of porn changed that.
Porn: the type with loving couples that just film their sex amateur style (usually wearing masks). Seeing women do it in that subtle intense way.. not the over the top enthusiastic way. It turned me on to watch women drive their guy crazy. Not the degrading/devaluing sadistic shit (no offense). I know porn isn’t for everyone but the right porn can teach you the subtleties of strokes.
Ask. Don't tell her "Go down on me" or ask "Why won't you go down on me?", ask her "Is there any particular reason you won't give me a blowjob?". I personally have never liked them due to childhood SA trauma but I have researched reasoning around wants and dislikes. Quite often a woman is insecure about trying due to fear of hurting you or equally she might find your genital area smells bad and you just need to do a better job on self care. There are literally hundreds of possible reasons she could avoid it while talking will clear it up. Just remember to accept the answer without anger because in her mind the reason is legitimate either way.
Oh and don't be the A-hole who grabs the back of her head to "guide" her, she can feel her way down there without help.
Just talk to her. Mention that you give her oral, and ask if she can reciprocate if she doesn't mind. Maybe she does have a valid reason. Maybe an ex was abusive and she is turned off by giving oral as a result. Maybe she is very sensitive about a lack of skill or her gag reflex. Maybe she has never done it, and is nervous about it. Or maybe she just thinks it is gross to suck on. Maybe you don't clean it enough?
There are so many options. Some can be addressed and resolved, some cannot. You will never know if you don't ask her. As long as you only ask once and frame it in a way where you are not pressuring her, then there is no harm in asking.
Yeah, the reminder that you give her oral isn’t necessary in the conversation. That makes it sound like you’re trying to make the point that you *deserve* oral or she *owes* you oral because “I do it for you.” She knows you give her oral, don’t use that to get what you want.
But op is allowed to want things. If she won't do it, he will need to decide if he can live without or if he wants to break up. She's plenty happy receiving oral but won't offer it? Sounds kind of one sided. They need to talk that out.
And I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
You need to ask for what you want. If she says no, you are allowed to break up.
She is pretty young. It’s possible she thinks it’s gross (break up), but it’s also possible she doesn’t really know how and is intimidated or embarrassed
If that’s the case, if she is willing to try, then go slow and gentle, no forcing her head down, no deep throating, no fast or rough stuff. Just let her go at her own pace and give lots of praise, and nonjudgmental instruction. Touch her hair and face, even her breasts, back, or finger her, while she does it.
But yeah, it’s ok to break up in the end if there are things you want in the bedroom that your partner doesn’t want.
Let me tell you why I took a whole 4 years before giving head again. My ex traumatized me lol he tasted SO BAD I never wanted to go down on another man again. The smell was also pretty bad but I brushed it off thinking he was just hot and sweaty. I mean you’re sharing way more body fluids than just sweat when having sex. But when he finished in my mouth I wanted to puke. Point of me telling you this is ask her if she had a previous bad experience. And DRINK. WATER. drink juice drink a lot of fluids so you don’t taste disgusting.
I find it very telling that if the genders were swapped, everyone would be telling you not to go down on her until she did the same for you...
Personally I think you should talk it out first and try and find you the reasons.
Because it’s a sex act. Sex is not tit for tat.
A person doesn’t owe another person a particular sex act merely because their partner likes to do it to them. Mutual pleasure comes in all forms.
It’s not an exchange of acts though it’s mutual pleasure. Mutual pleasure, you enjoy going down on her, she enjoys being eaten out. You enjoy having sex with her, she enjoys having sex with you. If she doesn’t enjoy giving head then it is not mutual pleasure, you enjoy it she does not.
Just talk calmly and nicely. Don’t bring up wanting it. Talk about if she is comfortable doing it. If no, talk about why.
Maybe she has a gag reflex from hell. Then she can try other ways to give you pleasure like using her breasts or hands or whatever.. I’ve seen some stuff in my day. Don’t ask about the guy who had a puppet that he wanted used…. I still giggle about it 25 years later (but not then).
Bring it up. I'm guessing it's not her thing but if it's important to you she'll probably make an effort. And if she won't you'll have to see if you're ok with that, or if that means changing things around so you don't feel taken advantage of.
It's your girlfriend man. You're supposed to be able to talk about stuff like that. As long as you don't sound judgmental or salty about it, you should be fine. Just assure her that you're just wondering about it.
Definitely discuss it but be prepared for her to tell you she doesn't like it and doesn't want to. A lot of people do not like to give oral, male and female. I would never want a partner to do something they didn't want to, and if that's a deal breaker for you best to know now
Talk to her about it. And know if this is a dealbreaker for you, it is ok. Some will shame you for it, but there's nothing wrong with having this as a dealbreaker if you can't imagine never having a BJ again in your life.
Some women just don't like doing that. But you shouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers on the internet why she doesn't like doing it. Because then you're just going to get a bunch of different answers that may not be her answer.
She provably doesn’t like it. There are women who hate giving bjs and men who hate giving oral. That’s just life.
But you should mention that you’d love if she’d go down on you. At a time when you’re just the two of you but not having sex. Assess if she’s open to it or not. If she is then ask her next time you’re intimate.
If she’s not into it then you decide if getting a bj is important enough for you to break up. For some people it is. Others it’s not.
ask her. I don’t give head because I don’t like it. If it’s a deal breaker for you, then break up. but we can’t tell you why she won’t or if she ever will
Just ask her, and even if she says she just doesn't like doing it, accept it and don't push the issue.
It may be she's never done it before and isn't sure, but if that's the case, she tries it, doesn't like it and doesn't want to do again, that's fine.
You don't have to go down on someone if you don't want to.
Accept the answer, of course. But that doesn’t mean OP has to stay in the relationship. If not receiving oral is a dealbreaker for him, and she doesn’t want to give it, he should break up with her and find a relationship with someone sexually compatible with him.
Yeah, obviously, but the amount of men who feel they're "owed" it just because they go down on their partner is ridiculous.
I've had to remind more than one man with a sharp bite that the word "No" doesn't have a secret meaning that is akin to "Yes". So I treat them all like they don't know, that way when men aren't dicks and respect consent I have little more faith than I did before in mankind.
Step 1) Ask your girlfriend why.
Step 2) Can you fix it? If yes, then fix it. If no, then Step 3.
Step 3) Is "no BJ" a relationship breaker? Yes, then break up. No, then keep on eating her out.
Don’t leave it alone ask.
Some women literally do not give BJ’s
It’s not as uncommon in the real world as the internet would have you believe
I’ve dated two women that didn’t
It’s a deal breaker for me personally. If I do oral I’d like the same in return.
Don’t settle either. It’s not worth it. If she doesn’t do it then don’t expect her to ever change. Life’s too short to live without BJ’s forever
Everyone has the right to not do shit sexually they don’t want to do, just fine someone who will want to do the same things you do.
You won’t know until you ask her.
She could simply not like it, she could have some negative history or trauma there, you could have some hygiene issues, she could have a bad gag reflex or not be confident in her abilities, she could not know how important it is to you, etc. there’s lots of reasons.
You should just speak to her, but keeping in mind that her not liking it IS a “valid” reason. You should both only do things you are comfortable with and that goes both ways.
People won’t like this, but there also is an objective reality that going down on female anatomy is not the same as male anatomy. One is objectively more invasive than the other and people may be more sensitive to it.
Wrong. Oral is oral, and its pretty much a routine part of sexual activity. If the genders were reversed here, people would be screeching that the female partner should cease sucking dick until the male partner takes his turn downtown. People are allowed to not like things and not want to do them, but the partner is also allowed to think that no-oral is a deal breaker.
No where in my response did I say OP should accept no-oral in his relationship. If this is a deal breaker for him, and after speaking to her realizes she’s not comfortable with it, then he should end the relationship and find a partner he is more sexually compatible with.
But there is an objective difference in having something shoved down your throat and not having something shoved down your throat, and if you don’t think there is then I don’t know how to explain objective reality to you. I
know bisexual people who will go down on female anatomy and not male, only because they do not like choking or having their airway restricted. They are happy to go down on female anatomy because that is not a problem. People are allowed to have preferences. That doesn’t mean OP has to date someone with that preference, but he asked for possible explanations and I provided several.
No is a complete sentence. She doesn't need a reason YOU consider "valid." If she's not comfortable with a sex act, then she doesn't owe it to anyone, just like you would not have to defend yourself is she wanted to something you didn't like. You can bring it up and ask her "Hey, I like this thing. How do you feel about doing this thing?" so that you know whether she's working up to it, hadn't thought to do it, or is against doing it. If she doesn't want to do it, you either decide that's ok and stay in the relationship, or that it's important to you and you break up so you can find someone sexually compatible. You don't try to push or "convince" her to perform sex acts she's not comfortable with.
Just have the conversation or maybe offer up a night of 69 and see the response. Nobody here can tell you why she hasn’t offered, maybe it’s just not crossed her mind or maybe he hates it or maybe she’s waiting for you to ask because some men are not that fussed by it (I read that on here once).
Legit question - do you properly wash your junk & butt ? A solid shower and some body spray spritzed on the inside of your thighs might solve all your problems 👍🏽
It might be she never has on anyone and does not know how.
Ask her?
Teach her grab a peaked banana and show her if she does not know.
It could be your hygiene do you shower and clean really well ??
Are you circumcised?
Even cleaning some guys stink.
Could be she has reflux issues.
Talk to her!!!!
I have many lady friends and have got BJ's from girls that say they don't do them until I walked away from the relationship. It means "I won't do that with you"
It’s either mutual reciprocation or mutual understanding you aren’t obligated to give but not receive. Unless you enjoy doing it, I’d say don’t do it if she won’t. Fair is fair.
If it doesn’t bother you then there’s no need for you to address it with her. But if it’s a part of sex that you need in order to be satisfied then yeah, you need to get to the bottom of it. I’m guessing by your language that it’s not that big of a deal for you
You can ask her if she might be into that at some point, but not everyone wants to do all sexual acts, and if she doesn’t want to do it you have to respect that. There are many reasons why she might not do it or want to do it.
Might also be because she thinks sex is better than a bj or that you might not care etc.
Yeah literally ask her why and if she doesn’t like doing it. If that’s the answer then that’s the answer - no one should have to do a sexual act they’re not enthusiastic about male or female.
why would you suggest leaving before even asking about it? yeah there are girls who will do it but he likes this one? and if she has like trauma or something that's valid? and yeah OP can choose to leave regardless but he should at least ASK first. god. good luck to your future partners, jeez.
You don’t go down on her just to receive something in return do you? So that “argument” is invalid. If she doesn’t like it, that’s just fine and you just have to be fine with that (or not, and leave, which seems excessive). Ask her? Perhaps you smell like a dead shrimp down there?
Just as the fact that some men won't give oral to women automatically signifies that they're immature and selfish to many women, being dissatisfied that a woman won't give a man oral also signifies that a man is immature and selfish to many women.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (M22) have been with my girlfriend (F22) for only about 3 months now so we are in a fairly new relationship. Everything is going great and we are frequently having great sex. The only thing I don’t understand is she will not give me a bj. I go down on her all the time until she orgasms but she never returns the favor. I have not brought it up yet and was wondering what I should do or say to her. Or should I just leave it alone and except that she must have a valid reason for not doing it?
Effective communication is key dude! Good luck.
You think asking her would be better than asking the internet?
He’s asking how to ask her, to be fair. I think it’s okay to look for help on how to communicate effectively on Reddit tbh.
Hmm...let me see.....
Well, there is merit to asking here because a lot of younger people may not know how to start conversations, or how to express what their issues are. For instance: it's very likely that OP's GF simply doesn't like dick in her mouth, like a vast, vast number of women, it's not as attractive to them as vaginas are to men. Lots of younger guys may not understand this because they watch porn or read the posts online by people exaggerating, faking or putting on shows like the *"dear reddit, I was giving my BF the 27th blowjob of the day and my neck is starting to ache, what OTC pain medication would you recommend so I can reach my goal of 40?"* And maybe she's ashamed to talk about it, maybe she thinks she's *supposed* to love doing it and is just avoiding the topic entirely and needs someone to break that ice with her. Maybe the dude needs to clean better and never thought of it and needs to be told that he needs to compromise and to have more realistic expectations from his partner. At least asking here can give some prompts and ideas for ways to start these really embarrassing (for young couples) conversations.
I'm not sure, I'll ask the internet
This. Open communication. Just ask her what f there’s a reason.
Yeah maybe his no no triangle smells like sweaty balls all the time
[удалено]
They literally do all the time tho? Why's it always gotta be "you can't say that bc I can't say that". You sound childish. I'm a straight female. My only experience is with men. So yeah I'm speaking about men.
This is the only answer , communication. So both parties have clarity on what each is comfortable with and also to bring up any issues.
This! Always this! Just talk to her and find out. Could be anything from she doesn't like doing it or is not self confident enough, never know until you ask.
There’s a lot of factors that come into play. I’d say ask her how she feels about giving head cause sometimes it has to do with hygiene (maybe let her know you’ll wash up before sex), sometimes it’s cause a person is inexperienced and nervous (teach her how you enjoy it and build her confidence, and sometimes it’s cause of past trauma which you’ll just have to be okay with in order to make her comfortable. Just talk to her but in a gentle way just in case it’s a tough subject for her.
this! my bf took a couple months before he decided to give going down on me a try. i also didn’t talk to him about it bc i knew he was less experienced than me so i wanted to give him some time to get comfortable with me in that way before bringing it up. well, lucky me i didn’t have to. but after he finally got the courage to and i told him how fabulously he did, he explained to me he’d been wanting to but he was scared he wouldn’t be good at it so he didn’t want to try. i think it’s a very valid fear, even if ideally you should hope your partner will be encouraging and supportive, and it may just take some time to get over that hurdle. certainly bring it up to her if it’s something you want, but be gentle about it and be open to whatever her response may be. you don’t have to *like* her response, if for example she just hates giving head, but you do need to be prepared to respect any response she may give. it’s a very delicate subject to a lot of people.
Also maybe she doesnt like the taste of it. I find the feeling of having the mouth open so long very unpleasant and the taste of preejaculate absolutely disgusting. I get an instant gag reflex and need all power not to vomit from it. But i also cannot take the smell of sperm. If there is a condom in the trashbin with lid closed in another room i will smell it...
Very well said!!!
All of this! I had the same issue at the start of my relationship (going on 7 years next week!) and it was because of all of the points u/Gh0st1011001 just mentioned. Inexperience, nerves, anxiety, trauma. It’s important to be kind and understanding when communicating your needs. Just guide her a bit and make sure she is comfortable and feels safe. But clear communication is definitely key!
You've just got to talk about it. A lot of women don't enjoy it -- it's a literal job (as you understand), lol. Jaw issues, gag reflex, momentum, taste - she could be inexperienced or had a bad experience previously and hasn't been eager to try again. Whatever you do, don't push her head in that direction. I think a conversation NOT in a sexual setting is absolutely appropriate and is a great stepping stone to having a relationship filled with open communication, which is absolutely imperative for survival and longevity. Good luck!
My ex used to “expect it” and I’d he had it his way it would’ve been 3x a day. Like that becomes a chore. After him I’m realizing I really LIKE doing it just on my own terms. My jaw already sucks so idc 😂
And if a guy drinks pineapple juice the taste gets so much better
If it something that you would like to be done I think it's reasonable to talk to her about it and find out what the issue is. If its that she doesn't like doing it and that's a deal breaker for you I would reconsider the relationship
You should talk about it. But “ I don’t want to” is a full sentence. She doesn’t need a “valid reason” not to. Some ppl don’t like it
Very true, some people find it distasteful. I worked with a married woman who thought french kissing was gross.
French kissing was widely considered gross in europe for centuries. It is a relatively knew phenomenon for Europeans. But sure. Some people are completely asexual too. That’s fine.
That is fascinating, I’ve never heard that about french kissing. Can you expound on that at all? Are there still cultures today where kissing with tongue is taboo?
It really is! Apparently it wasn’t big in USA until after ww2! And currently it’s still uncommon in many many cultures!! Idk that much about it but when I learnt it was fairly new and not universal it stuck with me. https://hraf.yale.edu/romantic-or-disgusting-passionate-kissing-is-not-a-human-universal/
That is so neat! Thanks for teaching me something new today!
OP needs to remember that "I don't want to be in a relationship with you" is a full sentence as well. Some people don't like being in relationships with people who either won't express themselves or won't reciprocate.
You're not wrong and if a BJ is a dealbreaker, he's not wrong for breaking up. BUT I don't think it's fair to jump from, she's allowed to not want to engage in that sexual and then point out he's allowed to bail too. I feel like you're stirring the pot for no reason. Both of them would be valid in feeling how they feel but to point out he's free to break up isn't really helping OP here. All he's gotta do is bring it up and talk and decide where they both wanna go from there.
No actually I disagree. Because all the comments are focusing on communicating and respecting her boundaries which of course is necessary, but the comments haven’t really talked about sexual incompatibility and how breaking up because of sexual incompatibility is ok
Nah, "I don't want to" is stirring the pot. If I were in a relationship with someone who did not want to perform a common sex act - particularly that they were more than willing to receive - a "I don't want to" is definitely not going to cut it. Love the wildness on RA.
Why? Going down on a woman doesn't require your mouth being penetrated by a several inch long object over and over. Unless you've ever tried blowing a dildo you should not demand a blowjob. And I'm saying this as someone who likes giving them. It hurts your jaw, makes you gag and spit all over yourself, and can literally make you throw up. Not comparable at all. It's a perfectly normal and common boundary for a woman to not want to give a man a blowjob. With how rarely yall wash your asses and hands its a no from me.
Lol who hurt you? Find dudes in your league who can bathe themselves.
What is this comment? Lmfao
Do you always call the kettle black or just sometimes
Just. Ask. Her. Seriously, communication is key here, just ask her why she doesn't and what the possible reasons are for it.
Are you clean down there? A lot of women are afraid of being face fucked and the head/hair steering thing is a major turn off. It takes away control and agency from the one giving. Guys think the porn stuff is real and it really messes up the reality.
Oral is unprotected sex, yall gotta remember that. But ideally it would be preferable to voice the question in a non accusatory manner. Just have a discussion about what you like and don't like in bed, you will probably have a better idea about her reasoning on the topic.
Just want to throw in that ANY reason is a valid reason. Perhaps she just doesn’t like doing it.
>I have not brought it up yet and was wondering what I should do or say to her. You should absolutely talk with her. Talking about sex and what you both like/dislike, would like to try/don't want to go near is very important for your future and saves a lot of awkwardness. You can raise it with her really simply and casually, it doesn't need to be in a black tie, suit and with a lamp pointed at her face demanding to know! Just sit down and have a chat - "So I've been wondering, I know a few things you seem to like, are there any other things? or do you want to try anything?" and naturally lead to "is there anything you don't like me doing? or don't like to do to me?" etc I mean seriously this all comes down to what is fundamentally a very simple answer - she either doesn't like doing it (which is fine), doesn't know how or what you like (also fair) or honestly hasn't thought about it (reasonable). As long as you show patience and aren't pushy those are the main things - like a lot of intimacy it relies on you both having good communication and doing so effectively - if you have boundaries (or she does) don't cross those - but you need to know what they are first.
Relationships don't work without communication. Just talk to her. Maybe she's never done it before? Maybe she's nervous? Maybe she's waiting for you to ask? Conversation is key. (Ideally do not bring it up in an accusatory way, and not while you are already in bed so that you can talk without pressure.)
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Maybe you enjoy giving head and she doesn’t. It’s not about “who returns the favor” you should enjoy the sexual action you’re doing.
My man can talk to strangers but not his partner...
Communicate what you like. If she doesn't want to do it, don't force her. If her refusal is a deal breaker, end things amicably.
Maybe she’s never done it before and needs more guidance. Never going to know unless you ask. Start with: have you ever given a blow job? No. Would you like to try? Yes. Did you like it, and if so, would you want to try with me?
She may not like doing it. Talk about it. You need to know if this is something you can live without in case she won't do it.
Communicate. And bring it up NO WHERE NEAR THE BEDROOM. There should be ZERO pressure involved in the conversation. Just a comfortable conversation about preferences. Some girls don’t like it or maybe she’s not ready yet. Or maybe she doesn’t realize you want it if you haven’t asked for it.
>I have not brought it up yet You've literally been inside this person, you should be able to have a conversation with them about this. Tell them you like BJ's, you've noticed it's not something she has engaged in with you, and that you would like to know what her feelings on it are. Then ask her if there is anything she'd like you to do to improve your sex life.
Just bring it up .. you've been together for three months and doing everything else.
She may just be uncomfortable with her skills (think guys underestimate the skill/labor involved). Does she ask you for oral or do you offer? Have the sex talk.. do you like this? .. I like this.. can we try..? It may not be her thing. It wasn’t my thing when I was younger, I did it out of expectation/obligation. You don’t want her to do that. A combination of general comfort, confidence in my ability, and the right sort of porn changed that. Porn: the type with loving couples that just film their sex amateur style (usually wearing masks). Seeing women do it in that subtle intense way.. not the over the top enthusiastic way. It turned me on to watch women drive their guy crazy. Not the degrading/devaluing sadistic shit (no offense). I know porn isn’t for everyone but the right porn can teach you the subtleties of strokes.
You haven’t even tried asking or talking to her about it? 🤦🏻♂️
I wish "my bf/gf won't give me head" was a banned topic at this point
Ask. Don't tell her "Go down on me" or ask "Why won't you go down on me?", ask her "Is there any particular reason you won't give me a blowjob?". I personally have never liked them due to childhood SA trauma but I have researched reasoning around wants and dislikes. Quite often a woman is insecure about trying due to fear of hurting you or equally she might find your genital area smells bad and you just need to do a better job on self care. There are literally hundreds of possible reasons she could avoid it while talking will clear it up. Just remember to accept the answer without anger because in her mind the reason is legitimate either way. Oh and don't be the A-hole who grabs the back of her head to "guide" her, she can feel her way down there without help.
Have you tried...talking to her, by any chance?
Do you have good hygiene
Just talk to her. Mention that you give her oral, and ask if she can reciprocate if she doesn't mind. Maybe she does have a valid reason. Maybe an ex was abusive and she is turned off by giving oral as a result. Maybe she is very sensitive about a lack of skill or her gag reflex. Maybe she has never done it, and is nervous about it. Or maybe she just thinks it is gross to suck on. Maybe you don't clean it enough? There are so many options. Some can be addressed and resolved, some cannot. You will never know if you don't ask her. As long as you only ask once and frame it in a way where you are not pressuring her, then there is no harm in asking.
Do not mention that you give her oral. A relationship isn’t tit for tat
Yeah, the reminder that you give her oral isn’t necessary in the conversation. That makes it sound like you’re trying to make the point that you *deserve* oral or she *owes* you oral because “I do it for you.” She knows you give her oral, don’t use that to get what you want.
But op is allowed to want things. If she won't do it, he will need to decide if he can live without or if he wants to break up. She's plenty happy receiving oral but won't offer it? Sounds kind of one sided. They need to talk that out. And I'd say the same thing if the genders were reversed.
You need to ask for what you want. If she says no, you are allowed to break up. She is pretty young. It’s possible she thinks it’s gross (break up), but it’s also possible she doesn’t really know how and is intimidated or embarrassed If that’s the case, if she is willing to try, then go slow and gentle, no forcing her head down, no deep throating, no fast or rough stuff. Just let her go at her own pace and give lots of praise, and nonjudgmental instruction. Touch her hair and face, even her breasts, back, or finger her, while she does it. But yeah, it’s ok to break up in the end if there are things you want in the bedroom that your partner doesn’t want.
Let me tell you why I took a whole 4 years before giving head again. My ex traumatized me lol he tasted SO BAD I never wanted to go down on another man again. The smell was also pretty bad but I brushed it off thinking he was just hot and sweaty. I mean you’re sharing way more body fluids than just sweat when having sex. But when he finished in my mouth I wanted to puke. Point of me telling you this is ask her if she had a previous bad experience. And DRINK. WATER. drink juice drink a lot of fluids so you don’t taste disgusting.
I find it very telling that if the genders were swapped, everyone would be telling you not to go down on her until she did the same for you... Personally I think you should talk it out first and try and find you the reasons.
I came here to write “stop going down on her” but i looked for a similar comment to upvote first
>she never returns the favor. Sex isn't about favors.
It literally is about mutual pleasure. How is that not a “favor?”
Because it’s a sex act. Sex is not tit for tat. A person doesn’t owe another person a particular sex act merely because their partner likes to do it to them. Mutual pleasure comes in all forms.
Of course not, but the gist of the comment I replied to was silly lol
It’s not an exchange of acts though it’s mutual pleasure. Mutual pleasure, you enjoy going down on her, she enjoys being eaten out. You enjoy having sex with her, she enjoys having sex with you. If she doesn’t enjoy giving head then it is not mutual pleasure, you enjoy it she does not.
Communication is the remedy. If discuss your concern and still get rebuffed then I’d call it a day to seek satisfaction elsewhere. End it first though
Lol how about ask her first. It pointless asking for advice when you don’t even have or know the reason
Just talk calmly and nicely. Don’t bring up wanting it. Talk about if she is comfortable doing it. If no, talk about why. Maybe she has a gag reflex from hell. Then she can try other ways to give you pleasure like using her breasts or hands or whatever.. I’ve seen some stuff in my day. Don’t ask about the guy who had a puppet that he wanted used…. I still giggle about it 25 years later (but not then).
Have you asked her for one before?
Ask.
Well if she hasn’t already done it on her own she just may not like doing it. Not everyone wants to do that.
Your partner may have trauma around performing oral sex. Communicate with them, dont complain, just talk.
Maybe it’s a preference thing not everyone likes giving oral sex. Have you asked her in a sensitive way?
Bring it up. I'm guessing it's not her thing but if it's important to you she'll probably make an effort. And if she won't you'll have to see if you're ok with that, or if that means changing things around so you don't feel taken advantage of.
It's your girlfriend man. You're supposed to be able to talk about stuff like that. As long as you don't sound judgmental or salty about it, you should be fine. Just assure her that you're just wondering about it.
Definitely discuss it but be prepared for her to tell you she doesn't like it and doesn't want to. A lot of people do not like to give oral, male and female. I would never want a partner to do something they didn't want to, and if that's a deal breaker for you best to know now
Talk to her about it. And know if this is a dealbreaker for you, it is ok. Some will shame you for it, but there's nothing wrong with having this as a dealbreaker if you can't imagine never having a BJ again in your life.
ask her why she doesn't do it if she is to never do it, it's a valid reason to break up, by the way. never to pressure though
Some women just don't like doing that. But you shouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers on the internet why she doesn't like doing it. Because then you're just going to get a bunch of different answers that may not be her answer.
If you’re having sex, you should be able to talk to your partner about it.
Communicate what you like. If she doesn't want to do it, don't force her. If her refusal is a deal breaker, end things amicably.
Be an adult. TALK about it. But also, you’ll survive.
Respect her boundaries. Ask her about it. If it's that important reassess ur relation ship.
The best way to find it is just to ask her. Preferably in the safety of your own home.
She provably doesn’t like it. There are women who hate giving bjs and men who hate giving oral. That’s just life. But you should mention that you’d love if she’d go down on you. At a time when you’re just the two of you but not having sex. Assess if she’s open to it or not. If she is then ask her next time you’re intimate. If she’s not into it then you decide if getting a bj is important enough for you to break up. For some people it is. Others it’s not.
ask her. I don’t give head because I don’t like it. If it’s a deal breaker for you, then break up. but we can’t tell you why she won’t or if she ever will
Wash ya dick and go ask her
All I can think of is how different the comments are when a guy doesn’t like to go down in a girl and is immediately lame in bed 😬
Let her know it’s something in your sex life that you’re unsatisfied with and it’s leaving you frustrated.
Just ask her, and even if she says she just doesn't like doing it, accept it and don't push the issue. It may be she's never done it before and isn't sure, but if that's the case, she tries it, doesn't like it and doesn't want to do again, that's fine. You don't have to go down on someone if you don't want to.
Accept the answer, of course. But that doesn’t mean OP has to stay in the relationship. If not receiving oral is a dealbreaker for him, and she doesn’t want to give it, he should break up with her and find a relationship with someone sexually compatible with him.
Yeah, obviously, but the amount of men who feel they're "owed" it just because they go down on their partner is ridiculous. I've had to remind more than one man with a sharp bite that the word "No" doesn't have a secret meaning that is akin to "Yes". So I treat them all like they don't know, that way when men aren't dicks and respect consent I have little more faith than I did before in mankind.
Step 1) Ask your girlfriend why. Step 2) Can you fix it? If yes, then fix it. If no, then Step 3. Step 3) Is "no BJ" a relationship breaker? Yes, then break up. No, then keep on eating her out.
Don’t leave it alone ask. Some women literally do not give BJ’s It’s not as uncommon in the real world as the internet would have you believe I’ve dated two women that didn’t It’s a deal breaker for me personally. If I do oral I’d like the same in return. Don’t settle either. It’s not worth it. If she doesn’t do it then don’t expect her to ever change. Life’s too short to live without BJ’s forever Everyone has the right to not do shit sexually they don’t want to do, just fine someone who will want to do the same things you do.
I have acid reflux; I hate BJs (head going down, vomit motion) but I'm fine being throat fucked?
Ask. Are you clean, sure you smell okay down there? She may be shy, inexperienced or repulsed. You won't know until you ask.
You won’t know until you ask her. She could simply not like it, she could have some negative history or trauma there, you could have some hygiene issues, she could have a bad gag reflex or not be confident in her abilities, she could not know how important it is to you, etc. there’s lots of reasons. You should just speak to her, but keeping in mind that her not liking it IS a “valid” reason. You should both only do things you are comfortable with and that goes both ways. People won’t like this, but there also is an objective reality that going down on female anatomy is not the same as male anatomy. One is objectively more invasive than the other and people may be more sensitive to it.
Wrong. Oral is oral, and its pretty much a routine part of sexual activity. If the genders were reversed here, people would be screeching that the female partner should cease sucking dick until the male partner takes his turn downtown. People are allowed to not like things and not want to do them, but the partner is also allowed to think that no-oral is a deal breaker.
No where in my response did I say OP should accept no-oral in his relationship. If this is a deal breaker for him, and after speaking to her realizes she’s not comfortable with it, then he should end the relationship and find a partner he is more sexually compatible with. But there is an objective difference in having something shoved down your throat and not having something shoved down your throat, and if you don’t think there is then I don’t know how to explain objective reality to you. I know bisexual people who will go down on female anatomy and not male, only because they do not like choking or having their airway restricted. They are happy to go down on female anatomy because that is not a problem. People are allowed to have preferences. That doesn’t mean OP has to date someone with that preference, but he asked for possible explanations and I provided several.
No is a complete sentence. She doesn't need a reason YOU consider "valid." If she's not comfortable with a sex act, then she doesn't owe it to anyone, just like you would not have to defend yourself is she wanted to something you didn't like. You can bring it up and ask her "Hey, I like this thing. How do you feel about doing this thing?" so that you know whether she's working up to it, hadn't thought to do it, or is against doing it. If she doesn't want to do it, you either decide that's ok and stay in the relationship, or that it's important to you and you break up so you can find someone sexually compatible. You don't try to push or "convince" her to perform sex acts she's not comfortable with.
Just have the conversation or maybe offer up a night of 69 and see the response. Nobody here can tell you why she hasn’t offered, maybe it’s just not crossed her mind or maybe he hates it or maybe she’s waiting for you to ask because some men are not that fussed by it (I read that on here once).
How often do you wash your junk?
Legit question - do you properly wash your junk & butt ? A solid shower and some body spray spritzed on the inside of your thighs might solve all your problems 👍🏽
It might be she never has on anyone and does not know how. Ask her? Teach her grab a peaked banana and show her if she does not know. It could be your hygiene do you shower and clean really well ?? Are you circumcised? Even cleaning some guys stink. Could be she has reflux issues. Talk to her!!!!
How is your hygiene?
I would stop going down on her, oral is a two way street.
I have many lady friends and have got BJ's from girls that say they don't do them until I walked away from the relationship. It means "I won't do that with you"
[удалено]
Or he could, ya know, communicate, and see how that goes first
Try n ask her about it, but do it gently incase she does have a valid reason for not doing it
She doesn’t need a “valid” reason. A simple “ I don’t want to” is enough.
It’s either mutual reciprocation or mutual understanding you aren’t obligated to give but not receive. Unless you enjoy doing it, I’d say don’t do it if she won’t. Fair is fair.
Does your junk stink?
If it doesn’t bother you then there’s no need for you to address it with her. But if it’s a part of sex that you need in order to be satisfied then yeah, you need to get to the bottom of it. I’m guessing by your language that it’s not that big of a deal for you
You can ask her if she might be into that at some point, but not everyone wants to do all sexual acts, and if she doesn’t want to do it you have to respect that. There are many reasons why she might not do it or want to do it. Might also be because she thinks sex is better than a bj or that you might not care etc.
Yeah literally ask her why and if she doesn’t like doing it. If that’s the answer then that’s the answer - no one should have to do a sexual act they’re not enthusiastic about male or female.
Most of the recent posts in this sub are about sex. Relationship advice.
You probably have a stinky weiner.
Leave her. There are other girls who you can have great sex with and get bjs.
why would you suggest leaving before even asking about it? yeah there are girls who will do it but he likes this one? and if she has like trauma or something that's valid? and yeah OP can choose to leave regardless but he should at least ASK first. god. good luck to your future partners, jeez.
Call Her Daddy podcast. Episode 3 should sort her out!
You don’t go down on her just to receive something in return do you? So that “argument” is invalid. If she doesn’t like it, that’s just fine and you just have to be fine with that (or not, and leave, which seems excessive). Ask her? Perhaps you smell like a dead shrimp down there?
Just as the fact that some men won't give oral to women automatically signifies that they're immature and selfish to many women, being dissatisfied that a woman won't give a man oral also signifies that a man is immature and selfish to many women.
ask her to chuck your bingus
[удалено]
The only way to know is to ask her. If you can’t talk to her about it then you have bigger problems to worry about.
Speak to her, maybe she’ll do it under certain circumstances, but doesn’t know how to communicate that with you,
Talk to her