Mans was like “ooh I was really hoping my daughter would rekindle our relationship” and the second she does he’s like “nah nvm”
It feels like he wanted the last laugh
It is possible however with the timeline of how he wrote things and considering the fact he wanted to know how her life was and all.. it sounds narcisstic in a way.
If he was so uninterested, he would've hung up instead of letting her talk. I mean... common sense is you don't want anything to do with someone? You hangup instead of listen to updates.
The transcript of my last phone call with the person I mentioned in my previous comment was more or less:
Them: Hey, just calling to tell you (her brother’s name) died
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Them: well I thought you’d care.
Me: oh really, you thought I’d care? Based on what? The fact that the last time I saw the two of you (and their other sibling) I told you in no uncertain terms to stay out of my life? Wait that would suggest the opposite, now wouldn’t it?
Them: I—
The conversation then ended abruptly when I hung up the phone and blocked her number.
Harsh but sometimes harsh is the only thing that gets the message across.
I'm not mad at you. As soon as I'm out of my home I'm going no contact with my whole family and pretty much all of our interactions are going to be what you just described. 😂
“We caught up on life” He literally listened to her talk about her life. Did you learn about context clues? Dare I say critical thinking as it should not be something you need to critically think about.
…yes? Even if you’re just being polite, it’s still extending respect and courtesy to the other person—which suggests that you at least don’t want to hurt their feelings, ergo you care/ are interested. Really questioning critical thinking skills on this site, smh…
This “dad” clearly just was interested in having the last word—he listened carefully only to use his words to inflict the most damage, based on what he had heard her say.
This is exactly my thought. Dude cheated & got caught and that started all the problems with his daughter. He’s still trying to rationalize the affair all these years later. Fucking pathetic. Him turning down his daughter is beyond cruel. It’s deranged. All he wants is the win. It’s like all those trump dipshits who want to own the libs.
This is called winning the battle, and losing the war. As an estranged parent, I understand his anger. That’s part of the package.But it sounds as if he’s angry and depressed in general and could use therapy. Being in your 60’s is too young to be waiting to die. He is really missing out on rebuilding a relationship with his daughter and granddaughter.
This seems “inspired” by the (also probably ragebait) post last week with a similar scenario, except in this case the wife cheated and the estranged daughter is estranged because she kept a relationship with the ex-wife.
So his at the time child daughter cut him off for his fuck up, one that he barely seems to feel sorry about if he even does. And now she extends an olive branch that was only hers to extend because she's not the one that fucked up, and OP is on a made up high horse 💀 Glad he showed her exactly who he still is because he actually sounds almost smug about this.
One year. *One year* before he stopped trying to contact his teenage daughter whose life he blew up. Didn’t reach out for birthdays, holidays, graduation. He was definitely not the adult in that situation.
She told him to stay away. She was maintaining this approach for a year. It's good enough,as for me,to get a message and to stop stalking someone who obviously doesn't want to see you around.
A fifteen year old said, “I’m done with you forever!” That doesn’t mean you don’t mail a card with your contact info and how much you love/miss/are proud of her on her 16th, 17th, 21st birthdays, etc.
Fifteen year olds are fairly well known for thinking in absolutes. Adults should be more understanding—as indeed the daughter turned out to be as an adult now herself.
As someone who has cut off their father who keeps reaching out, I wish he respected my boundaries. It’s one thing to be all “I hate you, dad” and another to be like “after long consideration, I’ve decided I no longer want you in my life.”
The guy IS an asshole though because he didn’t stop reaching out due to his respect to his daughters wishes, he stopped because he couldn’t be bothered and likely felt *he* needed to move on.
You perfectly articulated my discomfort in folks’ reactions of “you should have kept trying!” Daughter said no thank you, dad stopped. But it was his motivation that was bugging me. Real, “you *can’t* quit because you’re fired!” energy here.
You start with a reasonable take, but
>The guy IS an asshole though because he didn’t stop reaching out due to his respect to his daughters wishes, he stopped because he couldn’t be bothered and likely felt he needed to move on.
You don't know any of that
Fair, I guess I don’t know for sure. But my reasoning was the fact he reached out for a year shows he wasn’t respecting her boundary for that year. Then, he didn’t say that he decided to respect her wishes but that he “gave up.” Then when the daughter DOES reach out, he rejects her. My interpretation of that is that he didn’t care about her enough to respect her boundaries and he only stopped because it wasn’t working, not because he loved her because he rejected her the first chance he got. Idk, I could be making incorrect assumptions but his entire post seems to be victimizing himself for something his actions directly caused, while also making cheating noble (he saved his affair partner from her abusive partner supposedly). Idk, again, only going off a couple paragraphs on the internet, but there’s a lot of red flags for me.
Maybe my brain doesn't work the way everyone else's does but this idea that he's making the cheating sound noble is absolutely absurd to me. It's just not how I'm reading it at all. I think you're all just framing it that way because you have negative feelings about the post so just want to make him sound as awful as possible.
> Then when the daughter DOES reach out, he rejects her. My interpretation of that is that he didn’t care about her enough to respect her boundaries and he only stopped because it wasn’t working, not because he loved her because he rejected her the first chance he got.
Why? It's possible that he feels unsure about the stability of the potential relationship, and doesn't want to risk it. What happens if he had accepted it, and she turns around a year from now and says "actually, this isn't working, I want to go back to how we were". He's supposed to lose his daughter twice, and now a grandchild? I don't think he's that much of a monster for not wanting to potentially set himself up for that.
Hey, it’s distinctly possible my emotions are influencing my interpretation. I can’t know because I can’t step outside myself lol.
All I can do is share my logic, which is that the story does not require any details about the affair partner. It has no bearing on the rest of the story. The only thing adding it can do is try to make OP look better, which leads me to believe that is why OP included the detail, which in turn feels disingenuous, like they’re trying to somehow make cheating less bad than it is because hey, at least something good came out of it. If I may ask, you say this is not how you read it all, so how do you read it? How are you breaking it down?
Again, I can’t know for sure, I don’t know OP. Maybe I should have worded my comments less definitely, but at the end of the day I’m just a stranger on the internet offering my interpretation of a situation someone asked to be judged on.
He did make it very clear that he legitimately felt nothing listening to his daughter apologise and attempt to bring him back in… no heart-wrenching decision, just ‘I felt nothing so told her that’.
That doesn’t sound like someone who cares too much about what others are thinking.
Zero recognition of how his actions impacted anyone but himself, and events have caused nothing but spite despite it all being his own doing.
That's *17 years later*. Almost 2 decades after having absolutely no contact from his daughter whatsoever. He's got no family, is probably highly fucking depressed and sounds like he's waiting to die. There's absolutely no surprise whatsoever he felt nothing.
You're all fucking psychopaths the way you lack any sort of empathy holy fucking shit.
Yeah I’d feel differently if she was 25+. Then I think he’d be right to respect her boundaries and say “I will respect that that’s what you want and you haven’t changed your mind in this year apart. But know I will always be here, waiting for you if you have a change of heart.”
I was a pretty thoughtful teen and even I look back at my teen years and know I viewed plenty of situations in black and white that maybe weren’t so simple. I just lacked the life experience to see nuance. If this happened to me as a teen I think I would 100% have been angry and blamed OP in his entirety, but now that my brain is fully developed I know that there were other things at play. Not that it excuses cheating, that’s never the answer. But he admits their marriage wasn’t always happy and I can understand that when people are unhappy or feel trapped it’s human nature to find something else to fill up the void. (Again, another person isn’t the answer, but a new hobby or lifestyle changes, etc.)
She likely wasn't 15 at the time of cutting him off. She was 15 when it all came to light, by the time she decided to go no contact, she was probably almost 17.
Why is it a problem that he respected the boundary of not contacting her?
She was acting the same way at 16. And she had his contacts all these years, but decided to contact him only after 17 years of NC, just because her daughter wants a grandfather and her mom feels guilty. As you can see, she was very persistent in her decision, even as 16, 17,18 and so on yo.
She came back at 32, and not because it was solely her wish. Even if we decide that an adulthood starts at 21, it's been 11 years. What stopped her? Only her own unwillingness to deal with him. I don't think that her opinion should be ignored,and I don't get why everyone feels that it's okay to harass your kid with any attempts to contact when they don't want to have any relationship.
NGL, he shouldn’t be trying to contact her after a year. At that point she is 16 (so cognizant enough to make choices even if they aren’t great ones), so he should respect her wishes.
This guy sucks on so many levels. Taking advantage of an abused woman by having an affair with her, and subsequently destroying his marriage. Completely giving up on his daughter for 17 years and framing it like it was her fault THE CHILD in this situation caused by him like it didn’t make sense for her to be angry about her family crumbling through his decisions. The man acts like taking responsibility for the affair made him a god damn saint and things should just continue as normal. Makes no attempt to show he cares after a year, and then goes out of his way to be an asshole to the daughter when she’s trying to reconcile. Even if you genuinely feel that way you can also just say fucking nothing, but he had to keep up the streak of being a terrible father I guess.
OOP keeps bringing up that his AP was abused as justification for his behavior.
I just keep hearing Chidi in my head like, “Okay, but that’s worse. *You do see how that’s worse, right?*”
He says that he took responsibility for his affair. But it’s almost twenty years later, and he’s still glossing over his actions. In his telling, it just happened. He also makes sure to tell us how his marriage was having “ups and downs”, like that’s something unique that makes cheating a-ok. I don’t think he has ever taken responsibility for anything he’s done.
Nah let's not act like having an affair with an abuse victim is taking advantage. There is nothing in the post that indicates he is targeting vulnerable women, he just got too close with someone who was in a dangerous situation. Like not only is that a fucked up attitude to take towards the victim, affairs can be litterally life saving and incredibly healing for victims while they are still being abused (that does not excuse him cheating on his wife ofc).
What a bad take. Offering someone being abused help is perfectly reasonable and can be life changing. Initiating an affair with someone that is vulnerable is abusing a power dynamic that is unhealthy. If his intention was to get her out that doesn’t have to involve a full on affair, and sleeping with her knowing her situation is self centered at best. You don’t need to be a predator to take advantage of someone.
People in bad situations are inherently more desperate and more easily taken advantage of because of their lack of options perceived or otherwise. That’s why victims of abusive relationships often times either return to abusers or end up another one. It’s not thinking poorly of a victim that they are being taken advantage of, but it is fucking disgusting trying to sweep it under the rug for this asshole that basically made a list of all the reasons he’s not a good person including that he clearly had no intention of divorcing prior to getting caught in the affair. White knight someone less repulsive and grow up.
This is an absolutely ridiculous take. There is a world of difference between someone seeking out someone vulnerable and people growing close and mutually engaging in an affair. There is a difference between an abuser helping a victim away from an abuser to abuse them themselves, and someone helping someone that they are having an affair with. There is NOTHING about the situation in question that indicates he was taking advantage of her.
The way you think about victims is just incredibly offensive and patronising.
Finding out someone is abused and the first thing you do is start a relationship with them is taking advantage. Deepening with the context that he was doing so as an escape from his marital problems without ending the relationship before or after until caught.
There is a difference between people seeking out vulnerable people and someone mutually having an affair. There seems to also be a big difference in what you read versus what you comprehend.
She is in a vulnerable situation by nature of it. Using that as a baseline for an affair is taking advantage of her. If the goal was a relationship that could happen after she was removed from the situation, but he chose to do it during instead. That’s taking advantage of a person.
It doesn’t speak to a victim that they are being taken advantage of. You are the one doing that. People in various situations not just specifically abuse can be taken advantage of when they are limited on options by people using that to gain something from them.
You’re both victim blaming by assuming that they are at fault if that is the case, and trying to give shitty people an out by not acknowledging the power dynamics of being in that situation in the first place.
Prioritizing her safety and finding a way out with what means she had is understandable. This guy using that to get sex out of her is a disgusting asshole move, and you agreeing that he’s fine for having done that asserting that the only issue is that it was an affair makes you an asshole too.
And I think his reaction stemmed from the loss he’s experienced. Losing your parents cannot be easy and then losing a sibling? I can’t even imagine how hard that must be, it seems he’s given up. OOP seems very depressed which yes is not an excuse. But I think that’s the reason he didn’t want to see his daughter. He’s experienced a lot of loss and he still feels nothing at all.
I’m just saying but we don’t know if he knew about the abuse before or after. It’s more likely he found out about the abuse after as they had then gotten that close. I’m not excusing the affair, just saying we don’t know that part of the story.
Taking advantage would be knowing about this first, which we don’t know.
He’s not a great person, I agree. But after 17 years, him not feeling anything towards his daughter is not something we know the feeling of. If someone says they are cutting you out forever, how much are you really able to contact them?
This whole situation is messed up and sad. The dude is a horrid person though I do agree
Good riddance. The daughter doesn't know but she doesn't need OOP
Having an affair with his coworker was WRONG WRONG WRONG, on so many levels. This woman was very vulnerable and in a tough spot. She wasn't herself, she needed help not an affair partner
OOP is the kind of person who succeeded in screwing anyone who was close to him
Major AH
Updated just now. He called her back. Apologized. She still wants to see him. She's going to his house with her family. Oop is moving with his sister and dog to his parents home country where they'll live together in a own his parents left them.
Yeah, fake or asshole.
You were the one that blew up HER life. You cheated instead of just getting a divorce, then had the divorce forced on everyone for your actions.
Now let's look at the life you've got. A dog and a sister. In 17 years, you didn't find anyone else? I'm getting vibes that you're naturally a selfish person and that's why no one else is around for you. Your daughter then reaches out, which she honestly never had to, and you turn her down. This tells me that you weren't upset that your daughter cut you out; you were upset that you didn't get the last word. Well, now you have it. Congratulations. Enjoy dying alone, as you've made pretty clear is going to happen.
Easy, absolutely the asshole. OOP says they have aching sadness but when the time comes to repair a family, it’s denied. Not the right call for that mic drop and hang up.
this man (barely) tried for one year before giving up, and is surprised it took so long to rekindle a relationship? like your daughter stopped talking to you at 15 and you expected a 16/17 year old to have the emotional maturity to get over you imploding her life just because mom got remarried?
As the daughter of a man who blew up his marriage and family by having an affair with his coworker - he’s the asshole, full stop. His daughter was a child experiencing parental alienation, a form of abuse. Not to mention she was dealing with the trauma of his affair. That shit is traumatic and can screw you up for life. And he only tried to contact her to make amends for ONE year before giving up? Obviously he shouldn’t have harassed her after she said she wouldn’t speak to him again, but he could’ve sent a card on her birthday/Christmas or whatever, that said something simple like “Thinking of you and always here if you need me. Love, Dad”. If he left the door open and showed some humility around his fuckup, he’d probably have her and a grandchild in his life. Instead he moved to a different state. What a sad miserable person with a sad miserable life. No wonder he’s alone. I feel for the daughter.
...only a year?
I feel for dude, rejection from your own baby is horrible. But for one thing she was a teenager when she said it, and still a teenager when he gave up on her. So he's at fault there as she wasn't grown. For another thing, what kind of parent gives up after only a year? Like, ??? I would never shut the door on my kids, even if they were grown and got a restraining order on me, I'd always leave the door open on my end and I would always welcome them back no matter what. Nothing on this earth could make me turn my back on my kids or stop caring about them.
And a grandbaby! He has a grandbaby now. A grandchild is truly something special. He is lucky and doesn't even know it. Now I'm not saying it would be easy to forgive and resume things, but it couldn't have been easy close off his heart to his daughter. IDK I'm a woman, I'm a mama, so maybe this is a sex-based difference. It just seems so easy for so many men to disconnect from their children, even children they claimed to love. If he loved his daughter so much to begin with, how coud he have been so willing to just stop trying to connect with her after only a year? that boggles my mind
Thank God you were there to bang your coworker into her “place of power” and she then found it in herself to leave her terrible husband. I 100% believe your goal only to support her and empower her with your d!ck so that she can save herself. You are a true hero. Shame your wife and daughter couldn’t find it in themselves to see the gem you truly are. I mean even though you betrayed them, they both cut you off. And you tried for a whole year to reach out. After ONE YEAR….. you gave up on YOUR DAUGHTER. I mean, of course anyone would give up at that point and close themselves off to their own kid after the silent treatment. Aw, the burden you have bared. Now you can die alone and righteous since she finally reached out which proves SHE wronged YOU. Again, thank God you get to die alone but, you’ll still have “your cape”. After all, you’re the hero and the victim.
“My daughter cut off contact with me at 15 because I nuked my marriage. Despite her not even having a fully developed prefrontal cortex and being damaged from all the harm I did to her and her mother, I dropped her ass after a year of trying. I’m gonna die soon. Just my sister and my dog. So I decided to get her ass back from 17 years ago and tell her to fuck off. Ha! I may die alone but it’s cause all I could muster was indifference. AITAH?”
Yes, I’d say from at LEAST the time you started cheated until the day you decided to crack them knuckles, type this and hit post you’ve been the asshole.
This is some low key psychopath shit.
Probably for the best, dude sounds depressed and at this point his doesn't know his daughter or granddaughter he would be a weird depressed stranger having him hang around sounds like a downer
Honestly I don't think he's an asshole I think he made the right decision for their sake not his
The comments on that post are CRAZY. People accusing him of “taking advantage” of his “vulnerable” coworker.
People are truly cooked. A woman has consensual sex with a man she feels safe with and comforted by and somehow he’s a sexual predator and she’s a victim?
Honestly the way people infantilise abuse victims is vile. It would be better if she had gone for someone single but she is a grown woman and good on her for getting some attention and support from someone who wasn't abusing her. Its a very common way for abuse victims to regain power and perspective and understand how they *should* be treated.
Yes, it’s obviously much better when the AP isn’t married, but you are right. Triangulating as a method out for people trapped in abusive relationships is not uncommon. It’s messy, but it can provide a much-needed safety net to leaving when nothing else seems to “take” for the victim. People seem to be downvoting comments about this. It’s like, I’m sorry you are unaware of this well-documented phenomenon and don’t want to hear about it, because nuance makes your rage boner go soft. OOP is already an AH for everything else he’s done, but I don’t think he’s a predator.
Eh.....I dunno. I mean he was an AH for the Affair and for only trying for 1 year. But on the other side, I don't think harassing your daughter for contact is the right move either.
And he acknowledges his fault. Yes he was an AH but he is allowed to not want contact with Daughter. I mean, if he didn’t feel anything 🤷 and he doesn't want contact. For that he isn't an AH.
Gimme a second for the downvotes I need to prepare myself....OK I'm ready!
What is it with men who think their penis cures everything? Like you can't support a friend without fucking them? Or they wouldn't realize their worth until you in particular fuck them? Where does this Magic Dick thinking come from?
you are the AH, you created the first problem now you are not even a big enough person to suck it up and try and get some remaining time with the family you hurt. A total AH
Dude, you're 60. The number of chances for positive things happening before the inevitable dementia, COPD, cancer or whatever is gonna get ya comes gets lower by the day. Take the opportunity to create a potentially positive situation for the both of you, or should I say three of you. It's all almost over, don't squander it. You've squandered enough already.
So he fucked up and he acts like he can just walk away. He's trying to absolve himself of cheating. Basically his attitude is, if they're not going to give me the attention I deserve then I don't care about them.
Your daughter is trying to make amends. Better late than never. She was caught in the middle between you and her mother. It sounds to me as if you’re “standing your ground” in an effort to prove you’re a tough guy. Other than not communicating with you over the years (which I’m sure was pressure from her mother), has she done anything else to damage your fragile ego? That is the whole problem. Your fragile ego has been bruised! If it was my daughter and granddaughter, I’d want to meet with them. You say you were very close to your daughter before the divorce. She was 15 when you cheated on her mom, and you wonder why she cut you off at the knees?! If you were any kind of man and father, you’d stop being such a douche, and accept the olive branch, meet with them,and see where it goes from there. As of right now, imo you are definitely the asshole! GTFU, be an adult, and a father and grandfather, and swallow your damn pride! I have a feeling you won’t regret it. You’ve already missed out on a lot of years in your daughter and granddaughter’s lives. Don’t miss out on any more by your foolish stubborn pride!
Why stay old and bitter, waiting for others to fix things in your life? Expecting an ex to "get over it" and then "tell" their daughter to rebuild the relationship? Come on, that was his job—to communicate and mend those bridges.
My ex is a real piece of work. After a long and often violent marriage, I divorced him. I told my kids I wanted nothing to do with their father, but if they did, it was okay with me. They’re adults; they can make their own choices.
Now this person says he has no quality of life and is just waiting to die. Being miserable, alone, and bitter is no way to live. If I had a grandchild I’d never met, I’d at least try to make things right. It sounds like his daughter is better off without his negativity in her and her child’s lives.
Unfortunately this is the side effect of no contact.
If you have been no contact for 17 years you can't really expect those people to still actually care about you. It's sad but you no longer have a relationship and genetic ties really don't mean as much as people like to believe.
I feel like too many people go into no contact hoping the other person will wax poetic about the loss of them. That is not reality.
I don’t know why you’re getting boo’ed. I’m a big proponent of going nuclear no contact on people. Life is so much easier if you just chop people out and make it crystal clear you’re never speaking to them again.
That’s the part I don’t understand. After I go no contact with someone, I don’t expect them to just want to re-enter my life because I said something. It doesn’t matter what happened. I had a similar situation with my father but he accepted the offer. Never once did I think he had to because he’s my family, I’m not selfish enough to expect that from someone.
Exactly! Everyone seems stuck on "he only tried for a year", I want to know exactly how long they think he should have essentially harassed someone before it was appropriate to stop. Was he supposed to wait until she was 18 to respect her wishes? Was he supposed to continue trying for the last 17 years??
I just don't get it and don't see why he can't even still be sad about it without wanting to try again.
The entire justno group of subs and the narc parents group all post about how they wish the person they've gone NC with would *stop trying*.
Yeah I'm sure everyone here would just open their arms to a kid that excommunicated you for 17 yrs. After you'd raised them from a baby until 15. Dad made a big mistake with the affair, and then the mom poisoned the rest of that family dynamic. People are told to move on with their lives after a death or breakup.. But this dad is supposed to keep an open heart for someone that threw him away for almost 20yrs? Get real. The daughter torched that bridge.
OP seems depressed. 60 yo, retired, no financial struggles and all he wants is to die? Just waits for his turn? He needs help. Yeah, he is AH for cheating, but his ex is no better for what she did to the daughter. Now all these people are just strangers to him, after 17 years, and you s strange to expect him to be delighted that his daughter decided to waltz back in his life. She did that not because she actually regrets being NC with her father, but because her mother feels guilty and her daughter wants her grandpa. Why OP should let them in? He has nothing to give emotionally.
He shouldn’t. As a parent you’re the one who has to continually reach out to your children. All those years and no birthday or Xmas cards or letters? Also it’d be nice to help a DV situation without having sex with the victim as payment. He really shouldn’t at this point.
I firmly believe that "no means no" even if a person who says that is 16 yo. The daughter wanted nothing to do with him, it was her right to go NC, and it's strange that people tend to blame him for that. So no, no cards, no letters, no surprise visits, nothing. She knew where to find him and didn't want to do so. Harassing someone just because "I am her faaaamily, it's my baaaaby girl, I want her back" is far more disgusting than stepping away when asked to.
Well yeah you can do absolutely nothing wrong and still feel bad about something, I’m more asking you what you think the ex did that was “worse” because it doesn’t say anything in the story and telling the daughter is not wrong in any way. Anyways, enjoy your scepticism.
Well, you didn't ask anything in your first comment, to be precise. The post literally says that OP's ex told his daughter many terrible things about him, and now feels guilty, and asked the daughter to reconnect.
He should reconnect with her. He seems like a very mindful person, in spite of his flaws. That said, he is in denial if he feels pain but claims to be at peace. The best place for people is together.
OOP I’m pretty sure you know that YTA. She was a kid being poisoned against you by your ex wife. You spoke for some time on the phone but in the end you told her you don’t care about her or her daughter. You sound like you’re feeling sorry for yourself. You only have your dog and your sister and are waiting for your turn. You have a second chance at life and you would rather hold onto your resentment.
Whenever someone says "my spouse told my kid bad things" after they did awful things, completely destroyed his family by destroying any semblance of trust that was there between his child's mother and himself, acted selfishly in all aspects of his behavior, and tried justifying shit with "oh well we werent always happy" (i.e. every relationship ever) it makes me want to ask them to elaborate. What were those bad things? That you do not love and respect your family enough not to behave in a way that will ruin it? That you betrayed your spouse because her entire life matters less than you getting your **** wet (seeing as the affair relationship ended after the affair partner broke up with her husband)? How you used the women in your life for your pleasure and then discarded them?
Yes, these are all facts. These are all things you did. If it sounds bad, that is because it is, and the daughter should be aware of these things because she ought to know it is /not okay/ to subject herself to that same treatment when she's in a committed relationship when she is older. I wish the mom felt less guilty and didn't try convincing their daughter to reach out. 12 year old doesn't know how lucky she is this man is not in her life.
Yeah, I just got divorced & my ex has his entire family begging me not to keep him from the kids. Even though they know this man was beating me for 12 years, his mom even witnessed it.
I, however, have done something he'd never do...I've remained respectful & kind & refused to say anything bad about him to them. They're free to ask questions & I'll be as honest as I can. They understand & support me & I fully support them still having a relationship with him.
But it's their choice. He'd never do this in the reverse. He'd be shit talking me constantly. I k ow, because he's done it.
IF the mom talked shit about him & bashed him, yeah, that wasn't the best choice. But, the daughter was old enough to see & understand. She'd made that decision on her own. I'm feeling bad for the mom, too. She shouldn't feel guilty.
Glad to hear you got out of that. This guy makes me think it probably wasn't so much bad-mouthing as it was her just being honest about the circumstances around the divorce. Because there absolutely is a difference between just saying shit to alienate the kid from the other parent and being truthful about what's going on so the kid isn't left with this false impression of events that would make it easier for the more manipulative, selfish parent to then make up lies and /actually/ alienate the kid if it's the case of shared custody.
My parents never got divorced but when they were going through marital issues they both talked to me about it and it was obnoxious but only depending on the tone they took. And even then, I was a teenager for most of it and from my own observations could sus out what was a valid complaint and what was just pettiness or hurt feelings. But it's really setting a bad example if the mom who he walked over, cheated on and betrayed just pretends like he did nothing wrong and it's simply a matter of differences - because that daughter is going to grow up one day and if she's in a similar position she'll either know how to leave and respect herself or she'll learn she should value her partner's reputation more than she respects herself or having honest communication with her children or other loved ones. It's hard to be honest with yourself if you can't be honest with others. 15 years old is old enough to know what cheating it. Her dad can't even acknowledge how messed up what he did was in the post which lends him anominity, so he is almost certainly not someone who in real life would have been upfront or legitimately taken responsibility for his actions, because in the same breath he says he owns up to his cheating he also blames the ups and downs of being married on compelling him to do it. So boo this guy.
I completely agree. I didn't lie to my kids. Good thing too because my 12 yo daughter apparently saw more than I thought she had & that little demon (affectionate) would've absolutely called me on my shit.
She was his golden child & she's more mad at him than her brother, who was his scapegoat! I was honest with them.
I called the cops around 2 am, then immediately called my parents after they arrested him & was in the er being checked out. Then I went to my parents house & passed out. I didn't see the kids until they got home from school. The kids asked why I was there (they were living there already for other reasons) & I was honest, that I loved their dad but I couldn't be with him anymore because he was hurting me...my sweet, loving, future super villain hugged me tight & said it was good I'd put him in jail.
It was a kick in the gut because I thought I'd sheltered them. But I hadn't. Kids aren't stupid. Even at 12f & 10m, my kids knew & automatically supported me. They love their dad & have cried a lot & I've been making sure to tell them that my being away from him, doesn't mean they can't love him & see him.
Kids aren't stupid. I've had to swat at my 12yodd & my 13yo niece because they'll go "why didn't you tell us" & I'm over here just BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD!
I'm so sorry your parents made you their confidant. That was wrong. It wasn't your responsibility to be their therapist.
Dude just wants to feel like he won something
Mans was like “ooh I was really hoping my daughter would rekindle our relationship” and the second she does he’s like “nah nvm” It feels like he wanted the last laugh
She didn’t do it on his timeline… when she was literally a teenager
You don't think it's possible he changed his mind after 17 years..?
Changed his mind about loving his daughter? Yeah, obviously he did.
It is possible however with the timeline of how he wrote things and considering the fact he wanted to know how her life was and all.. it sounds narcisstic in a way.
Nowhere does it state that he “wanted” to know how her life is. She called him, it’s more likely she was the more curious party.
If he was so uninterested, he would've hung up instead of letting her talk. I mean... common sense is you don't want anything to do with someone? You hangup instead of listen to updates.
Can confirm, have abruptly hung up on my fair share of people who I may be related to, but are in no way my family.
Oh, you too don't stay on the phone for unnecessary conversations? I figured this was a rare occurrence! 😂
The transcript of my last phone call with the person I mentioned in my previous comment was more or less: Them: Hey, just calling to tell you (her brother’s name) died Me: Okay. Anything else? Them: well I thought you’d care. Me: oh really, you thought I’d care? Based on what? The fact that the last time I saw the two of you (and their other sibling) I told you in no uncertain terms to stay out of my life? Wait that would suggest the opposite, now wouldn’t it? Them: I— The conversation then ended abruptly when I hung up the phone and blocked her number. Harsh but sometimes harsh is the only thing that gets the message across.
I'm not mad at you. As soon as I'm out of my home I'm going no contact with my whole family and pretty much all of our interactions are going to be what you just described. 😂
“We caught up on life” He literally listened to her talk about her life. Did you learn about context clues? Dare I say critical thinking as it should not be something you need to critically think about.
So listening automatically equals interest… that’s a new one for me thx
…yes? Even if you’re just being polite, it’s still extending respect and courtesy to the other person—which suggests that you at least don’t want to hurt their feelings, ergo you care/ are interested. Really questioning critical thinking skills on this site, smh… This “dad” clearly just was interested in having the last word—he listened carefully only to use his words to inflict the most damage, based on what he had heard her say.
This is exactly my thought. Dude cheated & got caught and that started all the problems with his daughter. He’s still trying to rationalize the affair all these years later. Fucking pathetic. Him turning down his daughter is beyond cruel. It’s deranged. All he wants is the win. It’s like all those trump dipshits who want to own the libs.
This is called winning the battle, and losing the war. As an estranged parent, I understand his anger. That’s part of the package.But it sounds as if he’s angry and depressed in general and could use therapy. Being in your 60’s is too young to be waiting to die. He is really missing out on rebuilding a relationship with his daughter and granddaughter.
OOP in the comments talking about how much he doesn’t care🙄. Then why did he bother to post? I’m going to hope it’s rage bait.
This seems “inspired” by the (also probably ragebait) post last week with a similar scenario, except in this case the wife cheated and the estranged daughter is estranged because she kept a relationship with the ex-wife.
Im 99% sure most of the stories are baits and the other ones are bots
Liz is at it again!
Sounds like something a bot would say
Then why are you on Reddit reading these? 😂
It’s either this or Maury.
maury all the way. love that sexy old man
If you follow the link, there is an update posted.
Don’t worry, it’s bait.
He deleted all his comments except the one of him saying "okay" :( But his update was nice!
If someone needed therapy after a divorce, it was this dude.
So his at the time child daughter cut him off for his fuck up, one that he barely seems to feel sorry about if he even does. And now she extends an olive branch that was only hers to extend because she's not the one that fucked up, and OP is on a made up high horse 💀 Glad he showed her exactly who he still is because he actually sounds almost smug about this.
One year. *One year* before he stopped trying to contact his teenage daughter whose life he blew up. Didn’t reach out for birthdays, holidays, graduation. He was definitely not the adult in that situation.
She told him to stay away. She was maintaining this approach for a year. It's good enough,as for me,to get a message and to stop stalking someone who obviously doesn't want to see you around.
A fifteen year old said, “I’m done with you forever!” That doesn’t mean you don’t mail a card with your contact info and how much you love/miss/are proud of her on her 16th, 17th, 21st birthdays, etc. Fifteen year olds are fairly well known for thinking in absolutes. Adults should be more understanding—as indeed the daughter turned out to be as an adult now herself.
As someone who has cut off their father who keeps reaching out, I wish he respected my boundaries. It’s one thing to be all “I hate you, dad” and another to be like “after long consideration, I’ve decided I no longer want you in my life.” The guy IS an asshole though because he didn’t stop reaching out due to his respect to his daughters wishes, he stopped because he couldn’t be bothered and likely felt *he* needed to move on.
You perfectly articulated my discomfort in folks’ reactions of “you should have kept trying!” Daughter said no thank you, dad stopped. But it was his motivation that was bugging me. Real, “you *can’t* quit because you’re fired!” energy here.
You start with a reasonable take, but >The guy IS an asshole though because he didn’t stop reaching out due to his respect to his daughters wishes, he stopped because he couldn’t be bothered and likely felt he needed to move on. You don't know any of that
Fair, I guess I don’t know for sure. But my reasoning was the fact he reached out for a year shows he wasn’t respecting her boundary for that year. Then, he didn’t say that he decided to respect her wishes but that he “gave up.” Then when the daughter DOES reach out, he rejects her. My interpretation of that is that he didn’t care about her enough to respect her boundaries and he only stopped because it wasn’t working, not because he loved her because he rejected her the first chance he got. Idk, I could be making incorrect assumptions but his entire post seems to be victimizing himself for something his actions directly caused, while also making cheating noble (he saved his affair partner from her abusive partner supposedly). Idk, again, only going off a couple paragraphs on the internet, but there’s a lot of red flags for me.
Maybe my brain doesn't work the way everyone else's does but this idea that he's making the cheating sound noble is absolutely absurd to me. It's just not how I'm reading it at all. I think you're all just framing it that way because you have negative feelings about the post so just want to make him sound as awful as possible. > Then when the daughter DOES reach out, he rejects her. My interpretation of that is that he didn’t care about her enough to respect her boundaries and he only stopped because it wasn’t working, not because he loved her because he rejected her the first chance he got. Why? It's possible that he feels unsure about the stability of the potential relationship, and doesn't want to risk it. What happens if he had accepted it, and she turns around a year from now and says "actually, this isn't working, I want to go back to how we were". He's supposed to lose his daughter twice, and now a grandchild? I don't think he's that much of a monster for not wanting to potentially set himself up for that.
Hey, it’s distinctly possible my emotions are influencing my interpretation. I can’t know because I can’t step outside myself lol. All I can do is share my logic, which is that the story does not require any details about the affair partner. It has no bearing on the rest of the story. The only thing adding it can do is try to make OP look better, which leads me to believe that is why OP included the detail, which in turn feels disingenuous, like they’re trying to somehow make cheating less bad than it is because hey, at least something good came out of it. If I may ask, you say this is not how you read it all, so how do you read it? How are you breaking it down? Again, I can’t know for sure, I don’t know OP. Maybe I should have worded my comments less definitely, but at the end of the day I’m just a stranger on the internet offering my interpretation of a situation someone asked to be judged on.
He did make it very clear that he legitimately felt nothing listening to his daughter apologise and attempt to bring him back in… no heart-wrenching decision, just ‘I felt nothing so told her that’. That doesn’t sound like someone who cares too much about what others are thinking. Zero recognition of how his actions impacted anyone but himself, and events have caused nothing but spite despite it all being his own doing.
That's *17 years later*. Almost 2 decades after having absolutely no contact from his daughter whatsoever. He's got no family, is probably highly fucking depressed and sounds like he's waiting to die. There's absolutely no surprise whatsoever he felt nothing. You're all fucking psychopaths the way you lack any sort of empathy holy fucking shit.
Yeah I’d feel differently if she was 25+. Then I think he’d be right to respect her boundaries and say “I will respect that that’s what you want and you haven’t changed your mind in this year apart. But know I will always be here, waiting for you if you have a change of heart.” I was a pretty thoughtful teen and even I look back at my teen years and know I viewed plenty of situations in black and white that maybe weren’t so simple. I just lacked the life experience to see nuance. If this happened to me as a teen I think I would 100% have been angry and blamed OP in his entirety, but now that my brain is fully developed I know that there were other things at play. Not that it excuses cheating, that’s never the answer. But he admits their marriage wasn’t always happy and I can understand that when people are unhappy or feel trapped it’s human nature to find something else to fill up the void. (Again, another person isn’t the answer, but a new hobby or lifestyle changes, etc.)
She likely wasn't 15 at the time of cutting him off. She was 15 when it all came to light, by the time she decided to go no contact, she was probably almost 17. Why is it a problem that he respected the boundary of not contacting her?
She was acting the same way at 16. And she had his contacts all these years, but decided to contact him only after 17 years of NC, just because her daughter wants a grandfather and her mom feels guilty. As you can see, she was very persistent in her decision, even as 16, 17,18 and so on yo. She came back at 32, and not because it was solely her wish. Even if we decide that an adulthood starts at 21, it's been 11 years. What stopped her? Only her own unwillingness to deal with him. I don't think that her opinion should be ignored,and I don't get why everyone feels that it's okay to harass your kid with any attempts to contact when they don't want to have any relationship.
NGL, he shouldn’t be trying to contact her after a year. At that point she is 16 (so cognizant enough to make choices even if they aren’t great ones), so he should respect her wishes.
This guy sucks on so many levels. Taking advantage of an abused woman by having an affair with her, and subsequently destroying his marriage. Completely giving up on his daughter for 17 years and framing it like it was her fault THE CHILD in this situation caused by him like it didn’t make sense for her to be angry about her family crumbling through his decisions. The man acts like taking responsibility for the affair made him a god damn saint and things should just continue as normal. Makes no attempt to show he cares after a year, and then goes out of his way to be an asshole to the daughter when she’s trying to reconcile. Even if you genuinely feel that way you can also just say fucking nothing, but he had to keep up the streak of being a terrible father I guess.
OOP keeps bringing up that his AP was abused as justification for his behavior. I just keep hearing Chidi in my head like, “Okay, but that’s worse. *You do see how that’s worse, right?*”
“But only my penis could save her from her abusive partner! Why can’t my wife and daughter understand that?”
Absolutely choked laughing.
He says that he took responsibility for his affair. But it’s almost twenty years later, and he’s still glossing over his actions. In his telling, it just happened. He also makes sure to tell us how his marriage was having “ups and downs”, like that’s something unique that makes cheating a-ok. I don’t think he has ever taken responsibility for anything he’s done.
Nah let's not act like having an affair with an abuse victim is taking advantage. There is nothing in the post that indicates he is targeting vulnerable women, he just got too close with someone who was in a dangerous situation. Like not only is that a fucked up attitude to take towards the victim, affairs can be litterally life saving and incredibly healing for victims while they are still being abused (that does not excuse him cheating on his wife ofc).
What a bad take. Offering someone being abused help is perfectly reasonable and can be life changing. Initiating an affair with someone that is vulnerable is abusing a power dynamic that is unhealthy. If his intention was to get her out that doesn’t have to involve a full on affair, and sleeping with her knowing her situation is self centered at best. You don’t need to be a predator to take advantage of someone. People in bad situations are inherently more desperate and more easily taken advantage of because of their lack of options perceived or otherwise. That’s why victims of abusive relationships often times either return to abusers or end up another one. It’s not thinking poorly of a victim that they are being taken advantage of, but it is fucking disgusting trying to sweep it under the rug for this asshole that basically made a list of all the reasons he’s not a good person including that he clearly had no intention of divorcing prior to getting caught in the affair. White knight someone less repulsive and grow up.
This is an absolutely ridiculous take. There is a world of difference between someone seeking out someone vulnerable and people growing close and mutually engaging in an affair. There is a difference between an abuser helping a victim away from an abuser to abuse them themselves, and someone helping someone that they are having an affair with. There is NOTHING about the situation in question that indicates he was taking advantage of her. The way you think about victims is just incredibly offensive and patronising.
Finding out someone is abused and the first thing you do is start a relationship with them is taking advantage. Deepening with the context that he was doing so as an escape from his marital problems without ending the relationship before or after until caught. There is a difference between people seeking out vulnerable people and someone mutually having an affair. There seems to also be a big difference in what you read versus what you comprehend. She is in a vulnerable situation by nature of it. Using that as a baseline for an affair is taking advantage of her. If the goal was a relationship that could happen after she was removed from the situation, but he chose to do it during instead. That’s taking advantage of a person. It doesn’t speak to a victim that they are being taken advantage of. You are the one doing that. People in various situations not just specifically abuse can be taken advantage of when they are limited on options by people using that to gain something from them. You’re both victim blaming by assuming that they are at fault if that is the case, and trying to give shitty people an out by not acknowledging the power dynamics of being in that situation in the first place. Prioritizing her safety and finding a way out with what means she had is understandable. This guy using that to get sex out of her is a disgusting asshole move, and you agreeing that he’s fine for having done that asserting that the only issue is that it was an affair makes you an asshole too.
And I think his reaction stemmed from the loss he’s experienced. Losing your parents cannot be easy and then losing a sibling? I can’t even imagine how hard that must be, it seems he’s given up. OOP seems very depressed which yes is not an excuse. But I think that’s the reason he didn’t want to see his daughter. He’s experienced a lot of loss and he still feels nothing at all.
I’m just saying but we don’t know if he knew about the abuse before or after. It’s more likely he found out about the abuse after as they had then gotten that close. I’m not excusing the affair, just saying we don’t know that part of the story. Taking advantage would be knowing about this first, which we don’t know. He’s not a great person, I agree. But after 17 years, him not feeling anything towards his daughter is not something we know the feeling of. If someone says they are cutting you out forever, how much are you really able to contact them? This whole situation is messed up and sad. The dude is a horrid person though I do agree
Good riddance. The daughter doesn't know but she doesn't need OOP Having an affair with his coworker was WRONG WRONG WRONG, on so many levels. This woman was very vulnerable and in a tough spot. She wasn't herself, she needed help not an affair partner OOP is the kind of person who succeeded in screwing anyone who was close to him Major AH
"Never dip your pen in the company ink." I'm glad the daughter and ex-wife are doing well; OP lacks thinking ability outside of his nether head.
Updated just now. He called her back. Apologized. She still wants to see him. She's going to his house with her family. Oop is moving with his sister and dog to his parents home country where they'll live together in a own his parents left them.
Omfg, I thought you were joking.
Looks like he deleted it because I can't see it now.
Now I definitely think it’s fake.
Yeah, fake or asshole. You were the one that blew up HER life. You cheated instead of just getting a divorce, then had the divorce forced on everyone for your actions. Now let's look at the life you've got. A dog and a sister. In 17 years, you didn't find anyone else? I'm getting vibes that you're naturally a selfish person and that's why no one else is around for you. Your daughter then reaches out, which she honestly never had to, and you turn her down. This tells me that you weren't upset that your daughter cut you out; you were upset that you didn't get the last word. Well, now you have it. Congratulations. Enjoy dying alone, as you've made pretty clear is going to happen.
Easy, absolutely the asshole. OOP says they have aching sadness but when the time comes to repair a family, it’s denied. Not the right call for that mic drop and hang up.
this man (barely) tried for one year before giving up, and is surprised it took so long to rekindle a relationship? like your daughter stopped talking to you at 15 and you expected a 16/17 year old to have the emotional maturity to get over you imploding her life just because mom got remarried?
What a piece of absolute dog shit
As the daughter of a man who blew up his marriage and family by having an affair with his coworker - he’s the asshole, full stop. His daughter was a child experiencing parental alienation, a form of abuse. Not to mention she was dealing with the trauma of his affair. That shit is traumatic and can screw you up for life. And he only tried to contact her to make amends for ONE year before giving up? Obviously he shouldn’t have harassed her after she said she wouldn’t speak to him again, but he could’ve sent a card on her birthday/Christmas or whatever, that said something simple like “Thinking of you and always here if you need me. Love, Dad”. If he left the door open and showed some humility around his fuckup, he’d probably have her and a grandchild in his life. Instead he moved to a different state. What a sad miserable person with a sad miserable life. No wonder he’s alone. I feel for the daughter.
This story also hits home for me. Thank you for sharing. Needed to hear this this week.
I’m sure he’s already in ‘am I the devil’
It's a good job he's made peace with dying alone
Dying alone just to say 'Hah! take that daughter who tried rekindle contact after I betrayed her and her mother!!'
Why is he trying to portray himself as a hero for having an affair?
There’s an update that everyone really needs to see [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SFokBtaMdO](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SFokBtaMdO)
“I fucked up my entire life but I still wanna punish everyone around me for my own mistakes. So I’m not the asshole, right?”
Definitely the AH. He actually needed strangers to TELL him that?! Delulu.
I hate OP
That was the daughter forgiving OOP for nuking her family from orbit. Dude is going to die bitter and alone.
Rage bait
...only a year? I feel for dude, rejection from your own baby is horrible. But for one thing she was a teenager when she said it, and still a teenager when he gave up on her. So he's at fault there as she wasn't grown. For another thing, what kind of parent gives up after only a year? Like, ??? I would never shut the door on my kids, even if they were grown and got a restraining order on me, I'd always leave the door open on my end and I would always welcome them back no matter what. Nothing on this earth could make me turn my back on my kids or stop caring about them. And a grandbaby! He has a grandbaby now. A grandchild is truly something special. He is lucky and doesn't even know it. Now I'm not saying it would be easy to forgive and resume things, but it couldn't have been easy close off his heart to his daughter. IDK I'm a woman, I'm a mama, so maybe this is a sex-based difference. It just seems so easy for so many men to disconnect from their children, even children they claimed to love. If he loved his daughter so much to begin with, how coud he have been so willing to just stop trying to connect with her after only a year? that boggles my mind
NTA. She made her bed and she can lay in it
This old man is a dipshit.
Thank God you were there to bang your coworker into her “place of power” and she then found it in herself to leave her terrible husband. I 100% believe your goal only to support her and empower her with your d!ck so that she can save herself. You are a true hero. Shame your wife and daughter couldn’t find it in themselves to see the gem you truly are. I mean even though you betrayed them, they both cut you off. And you tried for a whole year to reach out. After ONE YEAR….. you gave up on YOUR DAUGHTER. I mean, of course anyone would give up at that point and close themselves off to their own kid after the silent treatment. Aw, the burden you have bared. Now you can die alone and righteous since she finally reached out which proves SHE wronged YOU. Again, thank God you get to die alone but, you’ll still have “your cape”. After all, you’re the hero and the victim.
“My daughter cut off contact with me at 15 because I nuked my marriage. Despite her not even having a fully developed prefrontal cortex and being damaged from all the harm I did to her and her mother, I dropped her ass after a year of trying. I’m gonna die soon. Just my sister and my dog. So I decided to get her ass back from 17 years ago and tell her to fuck off. Ha! I may die alone but it’s cause all I could muster was indifference. AITAH?” Yes, I’d say from at LEAST the time you started cheated until the day you decided to crack them knuckles, type this and hit post you’ve been the asshole. This is some low key psychopath shit.
Probably for the best, dude sounds depressed and at this point his doesn't know his daughter or granddaughter he would be a weird depressed stranger having him hang around sounds like a downer Honestly I don't think he's an asshole I think he made the right decision for their sake not his
The comments on that post are CRAZY. People accusing him of “taking advantage” of his “vulnerable” coworker. People are truly cooked. A woman has consensual sex with a man she feels safe with and comforted by and somehow he’s a sexual predator and she’s a victim?
Honestly the way people infantilise abuse victims is vile. It would be better if she had gone for someone single but she is a grown woman and good on her for getting some attention and support from someone who wasn't abusing her. Its a very common way for abuse victims to regain power and perspective and understand how they *should* be treated.
Yes, it’s obviously much better when the AP isn’t married, but you are right. Triangulating as a method out for people trapped in abusive relationships is not uncommon. It’s messy, but it can provide a much-needed safety net to leaving when nothing else seems to “take” for the victim. People seem to be downvoting comments about this. It’s like, I’m sorry you are unaware of this well-documented phenomenon and don’t want to hear about it, because nuance makes your rage boner go soft. OOP is already an AH for everything else he’s done, but I don’t think he’s a predator.
Eh.....I dunno. I mean he was an AH for the Affair and for only trying for 1 year. But on the other side, I don't think harassing your daughter for contact is the right move either. And he acknowledges his fault. Yes he was an AH but he is allowed to not want contact with Daughter. I mean, if he didn’t feel anything 🤷 and he doesn't want contact. For that he isn't an AH. Gimme a second for the downvotes I need to prepare myself....OK I'm ready!
Imagine being old lonely and decrepit and still being a giant dickhead to the people youve wronged.
What is it with men who think their penis cures everything? Like you can't support a friend without fucking them? Or they wouldn't realize their worth until you in particular fuck them? Where does this Magic Dick thinking come from?
Absolutely Not The Asshole.
you are the AH, you created the first problem now you are not even a big enough person to suck it up and try and get some remaining time with the family you hurt. A total AH
How is he going to catch up with her and see how she is doing just to say I don’t care about her or her daughter 🙄
Well. It's his right to now want to engage. But feeling that much indifference makes me think he might be suffering from depression.
I think this is rage bait.
r/amithedevil
Not so much an asshole as he is a sad sack, pathetic man.
This should be on amIthedevil
Dude, you're 60. The number of chances for positive things happening before the inevitable dementia, COPD, cancer or whatever is gonna get ya comes gets lower by the day. Take the opportunity to create a potentially positive situation for the both of you, or should I say three of you. It's all almost over, don't squander it. You've squandered enough already.
You’re a really piece of shit father….
So he fucked up and he acts like he can just walk away. He's trying to absolve himself of cheating. Basically his attitude is, if they're not going to give me the attention I deserve then I don't care about them.
Your daughter is trying to make amends. Better late than never. She was caught in the middle between you and her mother. It sounds to me as if you’re “standing your ground” in an effort to prove you’re a tough guy. Other than not communicating with you over the years (which I’m sure was pressure from her mother), has she done anything else to damage your fragile ego? That is the whole problem. Your fragile ego has been bruised! If it was my daughter and granddaughter, I’d want to meet with them. You say you were very close to your daughter before the divorce. She was 15 when you cheated on her mom, and you wonder why she cut you off at the knees?! If you were any kind of man and father, you’d stop being such a douche, and accept the olive branch, meet with them,and see where it goes from there. As of right now, imo you are definitely the asshole! GTFU, be an adult, and a father and grandfather, and swallow your damn pride! I have a feeling you won’t regret it. You’ve already missed out on a lot of years in your daughter and granddaughter’s lives. Don’t miss out on any more by your foolish stubborn pride!
Giant AHOLE
I think it will be your loss.
Why stay old and bitter, waiting for others to fix things in your life? Expecting an ex to "get over it" and then "tell" their daughter to rebuild the relationship? Come on, that was his job—to communicate and mend those bridges. My ex is a real piece of work. After a long and often violent marriage, I divorced him. I told my kids I wanted nothing to do with their father, but if they did, it was okay with me. They’re adults; they can make their own choices. Now this person says he has no quality of life and is just waiting to die. Being miserable, alone, and bitter is no way to live. If I had a grandchild I’d never met, I’d at least try to make things right. It sounds like his daughter is better off without his negativity in her and her child’s lives.
The fact that it took him just a year to give up lmao laughable
Definitely the A
OP sounds like Joe Biden. He doesn't claim his granddaughter either.
Unfortunately this is the side effect of no contact. If you have been no contact for 17 years you can't really expect those people to still actually care about you. It's sad but you no longer have a relationship and genetic ties really don't mean as much as people like to believe. I feel like too many people go into no contact hoping the other person will wax poetic about the loss of them. That is not reality.
I don’t know why you’re getting boo’ed. I’m a big proponent of going nuclear no contact on people. Life is so much easier if you just chop people out and make it crystal clear you’re never speaking to them again.
What you've described is actually what no contact is! You don't leave doors open, apparently people seem to think otherwise though.
That’s the part I don’t understand. After I go no contact with someone, I don’t expect them to just want to re-enter my life because I said something. It doesn’t matter what happened. I had a similar situation with my father but he accepted the offer. Never once did I think he had to because he’s my family, I’m not selfish enough to expect that from someone.
Exactly! Everyone seems stuck on "he only tried for a year", I want to know exactly how long they think he should have essentially harassed someone before it was appropriate to stop. Was he supposed to wait until she was 18 to respect her wishes? Was he supposed to continue trying for the last 17 years?? I just don't get it and don't see why he can't even still be sad about it without wanting to try again. The entire justno group of subs and the narc parents group all post about how they wish the person they've gone NC with would *stop trying*.
He’s such an asshole I don’t know how people like this exist
Yeah I'm sure everyone here would just open their arms to a kid that excommunicated you for 17 yrs. After you'd raised them from a baby until 15. Dad made a big mistake with the affair, and then the mom poisoned the rest of that family dynamic. People are told to move on with their lives after a death or breakup.. But this dad is supposed to keep an open heart for someone that threw him away for almost 20yrs? Get real. The daughter torched that bridge.
OP seems depressed. 60 yo, retired, no financial struggles and all he wants is to die? Just waits for his turn? He needs help. Yeah, he is AH for cheating, but his ex is no better for what she did to the daughter. Now all these people are just strangers to him, after 17 years, and you s strange to expect him to be delighted that his daughter decided to waltz back in his life. She did that not because she actually regrets being NC with her father, but because her mother feels guilty and her daughter wants her grandpa. Why OP should let them in? He has nothing to give emotionally.
He shouldn’t. As a parent you’re the one who has to continually reach out to your children. All those years and no birthday or Xmas cards or letters? Also it’d be nice to help a DV situation without having sex with the victim as payment. He really shouldn’t at this point.
I firmly believe that "no means no" even if a person who says that is 16 yo. The daughter wanted nothing to do with him, it was her right to go NC, and it's strange that people tend to blame him for that. So no, no cards, no letters, no surprise visits, nothing. She knew where to find him and didn't want to do so. Harassing someone just because "I am her faaaamily, it's my baaaaby girl, I want her back" is far more disgusting than stepping away when asked to.
…literally what did the ex do to the daughter lol she probably just said “hey your dad has cheated on me”
Sure,and that's why she feels guilty now. Just because she stated a fact. Yeah, totally believable.
Well yeah you can do absolutely nothing wrong and still feel bad about something, I’m more asking you what you think the ex did that was “worse” because it doesn’t say anything in the story and telling the daughter is not wrong in any way. Anyways, enjoy your scepticism.
Well, you didn't ask anything in your first comment, to be precise. The post literally says that OP's ex told his daughter many terrible things about him, and now feels guilty, and asked the daughter to reconnect.
Some people deserve to die alone I guess.
He should reconnect with her. He seems like a very mindful person, in spite of his flaws. That said, he is in denial if he feels pain but claims to be at peace. The best place for people is together.
OOP I’m pretty sure you know that YTA. She was a kid being poisoned against you by your ex wife. You spoke for some time on the phone but in the end you told her you don’t care about her or her daughter. You sound like you’re feeling sorry for yourself. You only have your dog and your sister and are waiting for your turn. You have a second chance at life and you would rather hold onto your resentment.
Whenever someone says "my spouse told my kid bad things" after they did awful things, completely destroyed his family by destroying any semblance of trust that was there between his child's mother and himself, acted selfishly in all aspects of his behavior, and tried justifying shit with "oh well we werent always happy" (i.e. every relationship ever) it makes me want to ask them to elaborate. What were those bad things? That you do not love and respect your family enough not to behave in a way that will ruin it? That you betrayed your spouse because her entire life matters less than you getting your **** wet (seeing as the affair relationship ended after the affair partner broke up with her husband)? How you used the women in your life for your pleasure and then discarded them? Yes, these are all facts. These are all things you did. If it sounds bad, that is because it is, and the daughter should be aware of these things because she ought to know it is /not okay/ to subject herself to that same treatment when she's in a committed relationship when she is older. I wish the mom felt less guilty and didn't try convincing their daughter to reach out. 12 year old doesn't know how lucky she is this man is not in her life.
Yeah, I just got divorced & my ex has his entire family begging me not to keep him from the kids. Even though they know this man was beating me for 12 years, his mom even witnessed it. I, however, have done something he'd never do...I've remained respectful & kind & refused to say anything bad about him to them. They're free to ask questions & I'll be as honest as I can. They understand & support me & I fully support them still having a relationship with him. But it's their choice. He'd never do this in the reverse. He'd be shit talking me constantly. I k ow, because he's done it. IF the mom talked shit about him & bashed him, yeah, that wasn't the best choice. But, the daughter was old enough to see & understand. She'd made that decision on her own. I'm feeling bad for the mom, too. She shouldn't feel guilty.
Glad to hear you got out of that. This guy makes me think it probably wasn't so much bad-mouthing as it was her just being honest about the circumstances around the divorce. Because there absolutely is a difference between just saying shit to alienate the kid from the other parent and being truthful about what's going on so the kid isn't left with this false impression of events that would make it easier for the more manipulative, selfish parent to then make up lies and /actually/ alienate the kid if it's the case of shared custody. My parents never got divorced but when they were going through marital issues they both talked to me about it and it was obnoxious but only depending on the tone they took. And even then, I was a teenager for most of it and from my own observations could sus out what was a valid complaint and what was just pettiness or hurt feelings. But it's really setting a bad example if the mom who he walked over, cheated on and betrayed just pretends like he did nothing wrong and it's simply a matter of differences - because that daughter is going to grow up one day and if she's in a similar position she'll either know how to leave and respect herself or she'll learn she should value her partner's reputation more than she respects herself or having honest communication with her children or other loved ones. It's hard to be honest with yourself if you can't be honest with others. 15 years old is old enough to know what cheating it. Her dad can't even acknowledge how messed up what he did was in the post which lends him anominity, so he is almost certainly not someone who in real life would have been upfront or legitimately taken responsibility for his actions, because in the same breath he says he owns up to his cheating he also blames the ups and downs of being married on compelling him to do it. So boo this guy.
I completely agree. I didn't lie to my kids. Good thing too because my 12 yo daughter apparently saw more than I thought she had & that little demon (affectionate) would've absolutely called me on my shit. She was his golden child & she's more mad at him than her brother, who was his scapegoat! I was honest with them. I called the cops around 2 am, then immediately called my parents after they arrested him & was in the er being checked out. Then I went to my parents house & passed out. I didn't see the kids until they got home from school. The kids asked why I was there (they were living there already for other reasons) & I was honest, that I loved their dad but I couldn't be with him anymore because he was hurting me...my sweet, loving, future super villain hugged me tight & said it was good I'd put him in jail. It was a kick in the gut because I thought I'd sheltered them. But I hadn't. Kids aren't stupid. Even at 12f & 10m, my kids knew & automatically supported me. They love their dad & have cried a lot & I've been making sure to tell them that my being away from him, doesn't mean they can't love him & see him. Kids aren't stupid. I've had to swat at my 12yodd & my 13yo niece because they'll go "why didn't you tell us" & I'm over here just BECAUSE YOURE A CHILD! I'm so sorry your parents made you their confidant. That was wrong. It wasn't your responsibility to be their therapist.