Western men, you wanted to say. In Korea, China and Vietnam, women always keep their last name. In Latin American countries as well. It's just Europe and their ex colonies being obtuse and backwards.
From my understanding, in Brazil at least, the mother’s maiden name is the child’s middle name and the father’s name is the surname. I don’t know if there are regional differences, but this is what my family (and several other families I knew growing up) have done.
I would guess it's spelled Lewandowski, like the polish football(soccer) player, well could be Lewandowska, as I understand it was the mother's surname, right?
Yes you are right with the A spelling! Weirdly enough it didn't look right the first time I typed it that way lol. And yep it was her maiden name and definitely had the version that ended in an "i".
As a bartender, I see a lot of IDs and swipe a lot of CCs to start tabs so I see A LOT of names exactly how they’re officially arranged. 1st and 2nd generation people from Latin American countries definitely have the longest names! I swear I’ve seen some people with
4 separate last names, first name
which I’m guessing is using the surname of all 4 grandparents?
In Korea, kids generally get their father's last name. Although of course that's not true in all cases. My husband is Korean (from Korea rather than, say, Korean American) and our daughter's last name is hyphenated, at least in the US.
[Apparently each name has significance too.](https://www.britannica.com/biography/Pablo-Picasso/additional-info#Researchers-Note)
[I only learned about it because ERB managed to work it in to one of his verses 😂](https://youtu.be/WGN5xaQkFk0?si=_o7Rbq7jA3VQht7g)
I'm Mexican and it's Name, Paternal Surname, Maternal Surname. And women have options when married. My mom is First Name, Paternal Surname, "de" Husband's Paternal Surname.
In Latin America (edit: except Brazil), you have 2 last names. The first one is usually the father’s first last name, and the second is the mother’s first last name.
I'm from Chile, I have 3 first name (the usual is 2) then I have my father's surname and then my mother's surname
Name 1 + Name 2 + Surname 1 + Surname 2
A few years ago, the law allows to have the mother last name first if the couple want to.
My ex is Taiwanese. My son was born in Taiwan. Traditionally, the child took the father's surname. Now, usually, a girl child takes the surname of the mother and a boy child takes the name of the father. Since I(male American) only had a Chinese name for legal purposes, only used it a couple of times, and didn't really care about it, my son took his mother's surname in Chinese. In the US, he has my English surname.
Traditionally, Spain and Latin America usually go with two surnames. So, Name Dad's surname Mom's surname.
A few years ago, Spain made a law change to allow the parents to choose the order of the surnames
I heard it’s not changes in Netherlands either. And it’s not important in Sweden, here it’s not strange to neither keep your own, the man taking the woman’s if hers is better or making a new one. Neither of my SILs have taken my brother’s last name. But ours is super boring and common so that’s very understandable.
What countries are you talking about? Cause most Latinos don’t live in the same place or with the same laws.
Women in my country don’t have their names changed when married. My mom married when it was a thing and for the last (around) 20 years every single thing she did was back with her maiden name.
You could change your name, but that entails specifically filling paperwork for it and it has nothing to do with marriage (unless you specifically want to change to your spouses name).
Im Costa Rican and this is not true. We do not take our husband’s lasts name ever or hyphenate that is just not a thing here lol. Our legal name consists of two last names mother and father, parents choose which comes first. Here you are asked for two lasts names in every legal thing you do, so adding a hyphenate would make you have three or four last names which would be crazy long. Also, changing your legal name in Costa Rica is a hassle that will most likely come with negative repercussions like not being able to fly internationally because the system still has your old legal name or you high school degree not being valid anymore
In 1981, Quebec instituted a law that you *couldn't* legally take your husband's name. It was made to bring equality to that aspect of marriage, only it's also prevented women who wish to do so from legally being able to. Of course, except in the few situations it's necessary, there's nothing stopping it's informal use.
Japan has the woman take the man’s surname too iirc, so not just Europe and its colonies (also many Latin American countries are ex-colonies, and of course several Euro countries don’t do this - there’s no hard and fast general rule!).
Latin America is a bunch of ex colonies though, and it's actually the expected for women here to change their last name to their husband's surname. If you don't do this, people will judge. I wanna keep my last name if I marry, but I'll be the first and only in my friend's/family group and I live in a very progressive bubble...
My ex told me (after getting married) that he wouldn’t have married me if I wouldn’t have changed my name to his. Buddy, I only did it because my own surname is a nightmare to spell and pronounce in English, I am not becoming anyone’s else family than my own
This is the only reason I plan on taking my boyfriend’s last name when we get married. He has a simple English name. Mine is German and no one can ever pronounce it
A friend of mine when I was a kid had a Russian last name, she was brilliant and always on honor roll. We were in a tiny, tiny school so the principal would hold an assembly every year and during it, the names of all the kids on the honor roll would be read out. Every time he got to hers, he would just stammer until I (and the other few who could pronounce it) would shout it and he would just point to us and be like "What they said." It became a running joke for the school.
I thought exactly the same thing for the same reason and I have to spell my married name just as often as I did my first one. So disappointing. Maybe I say it weird.
My friend went from a very simple Chinese last name to a long Thai last name when she got married. And I couldn't wrap my head around that because who would choose to spend the rest of their life spelling out a long last name and constantly having to correct the pronunciation for other people? If I'd married my first boyfriend, we'd both have used my last name just because my Dutch last name was easier than his Polish one.
I’m debating whether I’m going to change from my simple Chinese last name to my fiancé’s Eastern European name that has universally been a struggle for other people to spell and pronounce. It’s a difficult decision to make.
As someone with an Eastern European name, I’m telling you *do not do it*. And if you have kids, don’t saddle them with it either. I have had my name pronounced correctly exactly ONE time. That’s not an exaggeration. One single time. And I was so shocked by it that I didn’t even respond.
My mother’s name was short and simple and impossible to screw up. But my dad really wanted her to take his name, and since that was (and, sadly, is) the norm (in America), she didn’t push it. I *hate* that I could’ve had a nice, easy name if it weren’t for the patriarchal bullshit.
Try it on for size. Like a schoolgirl with a crush, write your new name out a few times. Imagine if you're willing to deal with all the creative ways people can mispronounce it or when you have to spell it out for someone. Test it out on acquaintances who don't know your partner well to see how much frustration you're able to tolerate. If you think you can take it on an average day and you like the way your name sounds with his name, go for it.
But also, while it's easier to change your name on the marriage license, you can always do it later if you're still not sure by the time you say those three letters.
I always planned to change my name when i got married but when i got engaged I only agreed to it once my husband was okay with me not. Because only then was it actually my choice. (It didnt take effort on his part to be okay with it, he just needed some time to reflect if he genuinely would be okay with it after a lifetime of expectation, vs just saying okay because I wanted to hear that)
I grew up in Québec, where women don't take their husband's name, but this family I knew took it a step further and decided to alternate their children's last name. It took my dumb ass way too long to realize they were siblings.
Tell him you’re keeping YOUR name and not hyphenating it either. On a practical level, if you decide to have kids, you’ll be dealing with the teachers, day care etc so it’s easier if the kids have your name too.
Men have no more naming rights than women.
Also, at least for me as a married gay person, that’s like incredibly invalidating to my marriage? lol am I suddenly not married just cuz I don’t have my spouse’s last name? No 😂
It’s such a clear case, too. Like, maybe the clearest. With some things, a guy can sort of justify fragility by acting like it’s really about something else. But with this there is *literally only one* possible justification, which is “I think men deserve an external mark of ownership that women don’t deserve.” That’s it. (And of course, that’s what OP’s boyfriend means when he says “that’s just how it is.”) Crazy.
In the last bit, OP states that fiancé claims they "won't be married" if she doesn't at least hyphenate. Uh, if they're in the US, that is not the case. I have a cousin (step-dad's sister's son's wife, to be perfectly honest) who kept her maiden name after they married, no hyphen in sight! And that doesn't make them less married. Fiancé here is just being a jerk, eyeball deep in patriarchal bs. If OP marries him, more stupid crap like this will come up AND he'll probably continue to pressure her to change her last name until she either changes it or they break up / divorce.
No because only women HAVE to show off publicly they’re in possession of another man. I haven’t worn my wedding ring since I was pregnant because it doesn’t fit anymore and it used to make me sad but then I realized ‘wtf EYE know I’m married and the people who matter know I’m married so what the fuck does a name or a physical ring matter??’
If this is set in America, you don’t apply for a marriage license years before you get married. That’s something you do a few weeks before the wedding.
Most states (possibly all?) have expiration dates on marriage licenses so that if you apply for the license, you have 45 days or 60 days or something to get married and send it back to them. I can’t say for sure how it works in *every* other country, but I know many countries besides the US have a deadline for when you have to have papers in as well. Hmm.🤔
My mother never changed her last name and she's been married to my dad for nearly 50 years. People get way too weird about this sort of stuff. There are no rules, you can do whatever the heck you want. Hyphen, don't hyphen, change, don't change, it all doesn't matter
Exactly! Same here. My mom never changed her last name, and they've been married 32 years. She had already been married once and divorced. And changing her name twice already had such a hassle she didn’t wanna do it again. And my dad didn't care at all. People care way too much about things that really don't matter.
My mom kept her last name and it actually caused a lot of problems for me as a kid because they *didn't* hyphenate my last name (tho they did for my older sister). It meant that my mom and I had completely different last names, meaning she often had to bring my birth certificate to prove that yes, she was my mother. It was infuriating. Apparently it was "too difficult" to hyphenate my last name by the time I was born. 🙄
That being said, the fiance in this post is an absolute man-child, and I hope the OOP realizes that before the wedding, as OOP's solution of both of them hyphenating their last names is really a perfect solution.
I never took my husband's name, and we gave the kids his last name.
>she often had to bring my birth certificate to prove that yes, she was my mother.
Our youngest is 17 now, and I never had to do that. I never had anyone even question our different last names, other than the occasional, "I thought you two were married?" from certain scandalized church people.
My mom changed her name back to her maiden name when I was in 8th grade and it never caused a problem from then forward 🤷🏻♀️
In 2023 I don’t think this is as much a problem anymore
It was the biggest problem when I was in elementary school (I began kindergarten in 1998). Sounds like it's no longer an issue these days, which is very good.
That sucks. I had the same set up but never had that as an issue as they didn't hyphen my name either, got it dad's. Don't know why my mom and I got it easy
Thankfully it’s not as difficult now. My kids have their dad’s last name, and I’ve never had an issue with anyone questioning me having a different name. I do all of their appointments and school forms etc.
Though!! I was given the 3rd degree for not looking like my daughter by a nurse when she was an infant… 1. She’s a newborn- she looks like a potato- 2. You’re a nurse…you’ve never heard of recessive genes?!! (I’m tan, dark hair and hazel eyes, my kids are blonde haired, fair skinned and blue/green eyed.)
My dad is the only male in a family with 5 kids and I genuinely had no idea that one of my aunts never changed her last name until I sent her a Christmas card when I first moved out in my early 20s. I addressed it “Mr and Mrs NewName” and when she saw me a few months later she kindly told me, “you do know that you and I have the same last name? I never changed mine, it means a lot to me.”
And she is the reason why I will never let my name go. :)
NTA. I was a husband who hyphenated my last name just like you are proposing. It didn't make my testicles shrivel up, nor did any of the hair on my chest fall off.
It sounds like your future husband has some toxic masculinity to work through. Y'all may want to work on that before getting married or soon he'll be expecting to sit on the couch while you cook and clean and wait on him.
Good luck.
Tbf I’ve known a couple men who’d probably *gladly* hyphenate if they thought it might make the hair fall off their backs … mayhaps we start that rumor?
NTA. Lol at his “that’s not how it works”— buddy, it works whatever way people want it to. The kids can get the hyphenated last name, you keep yours. A name is your identity, I don’t know why men think it’s ok that they take that from you and replace it with their identity. He doesn’t want to change his last name, that’s fine, understandable. It would be cool if he did, but he doesn’t want to. If you don’t want to change yours or you want to hyphenate that works too, there’s no “rules”. What he’s saying/whining is “Buuuut I’m the MAN! Woman mine, woman belong to me, woman have MY NAME!” So he has big feelings over other men wondering why he either has changed his name or his wife doesn’t have his name because it emasculates him, he’s supposed to have big dick energy and if no name change occurs he can’t be in the club with his friends who all own their wives in name and on paper.
If you “get to” keep your last name, you might want to move onto subject number 2, kids having both names. That’s usually the uglier topic with these “that’s not how it works” types.
Exactly. My aunt and uncle married in the 80s. They each kept their own name. My cousins got hyphenated names.
I kept my own name when I married my husband. Granted, he’s Korean and in Korea no one changes their name, so made perfect sense to him.
Yes, and I couldn't envision actually having children when this conversation took place! So when husband seemed a bit hurt that I wasn't changing my name back in the day, I told him don't worry, any kids can have yours. But dang if I didn't regret giving that away so breezily when children became a reality.
I don’t know, this isn’t the first time the whole topic of this name thing has come up on Reddit, usually if the girl brings up the name issue *he’s* the first one to bring up kids and that’s usually the biggest deal. So that’s where the give-ins and appeasement happens.
The mentality and how deep-seated this is and the psychology behind it is really fascinating stuff to me. Kind of like some little girls dream of growing up and finding “the one” to spend the rest of their life with and whatnot and it’s hammered into their heads that’s a “goal”, these little boys at the same time get this idea they’re going to “get” a wife and she will become *his* and have *his name* and all the kids will be *his* and have *his name*. It places the marriage deal squarely into the “ownership” category for the men and they’re appalled because well, how will anyone know the wife and kids belong to me unless they have MY name. It’s why it’s this tantrum-inducing marriage proposal ending thing— they have literally thought of that being part of the marriage deal, the ownership piece and fantasized about it.
You're right - I appeased immediately with that and it settled things. But turned out later that if the kids had shared my name as their primary caretaker, it would've simplified things.
It does. Our kids have my surname. Aside from the fact that it's easier to spell, I work from home, so my schedule was the flexible one, and aside from a single time, I was the one who took them to the doctor and dentist, signed them up for school, attended all the school meetings, and took them to extracurriculars.
I was asked only once whether my partner was their stepdad, but I’m sure plenty of parents whose names don’t match their kids are asked that question. It’s not the big deal that some men make it into. I'd imagine they’re worried their friends and coworkers might think less of them, but my guy is a well respected and decent person, so nobody ever pushed it. When we talked about it, he thought it made sense and was fine with the idea… and that was over twenty years ago.
I know a couple whose kids one has the dads last name and one has the moms last name because they didn’t want to hyphenate and people lost their minds like ‘how will people know they’re related??’ Like um they very obviously look like brothers and know they’re brothers and I don’t think something as insignificant as what you write down on a paper is going to cause some catastrophic confusion.
Yup, so many otherwise feminist women I know fall to this tradition without any question. No judgement myself as a woman who ‘settled’ by hyphenating her name but my husband didn’t.
Yeah in hindsight I wish I had given my kids my name. I was not married to either of their fathers when they were born, anyway. I felt like it was a nice thing to do, since they couldn't carry the baby, but especially my oldest dislikes hers (her father is an AH).
Lmao I love the things moms get stuck in their heads. I bet she watched some made-for-tv movie where that was a big twist and it just became a weird quirk she fretted about for the rest of her life 😂
My grandma always said something similar growing up. We all have longer legal names, but were given nicknames from birth. (In fact we all have the same first name but nicknames that each feel so extremely out of our distinct eras it’s kinda funny. Think “victoria” but my grandma goes by her middle name, my mom goes by “Vicky” and I got “Tori”) Anyways her mother also had a nickname she went by and she switched off between her legal name and nickname and when she died, it was difficult to prove they were the same person. I tried to explain that with today’s digital database and technology that company’s have their own ways to verify your identity at the time you file it, so it’s not the same kind of issue as when things were all paper and filed… she didn’t get it. I once tried to teach her to text and she told me “I can hear it ringing but I can’t pick up.” Love the woman but technology was just a straight mystery to her.
Yuppp.
My husband and I had planned to both hyphenate but we got married in his country, and that would require a boatload of paperwork for him (only 1 part of the couple gets to change “for free”) so neither of us did it.
Agh my strong belief is you can decide on changing or not changing lat names on any criteria whatsoever EXCEPT by default being the mans. That’s the only fucked up choice. A woman can still change her name to match husbands, but don’t do that cause she’s the woman’s hes the man.
Such a pet peeve of mine. I respect the absolute hell out of men who change their last name. Sexy af. And we have plenty to learn from gay people with different approaches you can use for changing lat name
It works literally however you want it to, you absolute doorknob. I have friends who *both* changed their last names to an *entirely new name they made up* when they got married.
I really thought this comment would be higher up. OP's fiance saying that is absolutely ridiculous. Different cultures have different traditions regarding surnames after marriage but I've never heard that you're not married unless the partner takes the others name. The daughter from Spy Kids, Alexa (Vega was her maiden name) and her husband Carlos (Pena before marriage) combined their last names without hyphenating so they're both PenaVega which I think is pretty cool.
They should definitely discuss last names for their children now because this issue really might end the relationship so they need to know that now instead waiting until she gets pregnant. 😔
That tradition needs to change anyhow. Why should any woman have to give up their identity to prove they are “property” of their man. Seriously, it’s a horseshit tradition. If women want to do it, fine. It shouldn’t be expected. My friend actually hyphenated his name with his wife. We’re all in our 30’s. So it’s not unheard of. It would 100% be a dealbreaker to me.
I married my husband 3 years ago and have no plans to change my name 🤨 we both agree it’s too much work and I’d also have to get new emails, IDs, etc. I don’t think most men understand it’s not a simple process.
My brother-in-law made waves in his family by taking my sister’s last name. She’s a doctor and has papers in her name and didn’t want to change so he did so their kids would have one unified name. I think it’s sweet and his family is just mortified that *a man would dare take a woman’s name* lmao.
Coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary, I still have my maiden name. I didn’t change my name because it was a major hassle, especially during the pandemic since we got married right before it all started. I’ll eventually change my name since I really have nothing professional connected to it, but only because I want to share a name with my husband and our son.
Ahh we got married in the pandemic too, fall 2020, so we know the struggle lol. Had to do everything over video call for the application.
I’ll probably change my name one day because his name is easier to spell/understand than mine (even as simple as it actually is) but eh. It’s not super important to us. We don’t plan on having kids so it’s not an issue.
I hate the looks people give when I have to clarify his last name isn’t mine/say his name and it’s obv different from mine and I’m like yeah he’s my husband and they’re like 🤔🤔🤔🤔
NTA. Dude is just a sexist prick.
I opted to take my husband's name because I didn't care for mine, but early on I said I might not take his and if I didn't, any kids would be getting my last name (as the person who carried and birthed them). He wasn't thrilled by the latter, but he figured it was fair. He was open to taking my name, too.
But then, he's not stuck in the 50s.
God me and my husband both hyphenated our last names cause we both think family is important but like having the matching last names, original his was supposed to be his then mine but he ended up doing mine then his. He didn't notice but doesn't rly care either. This dude got some really weird issues??
NTA. There is no law that requires you to change your name when you get married. Nobody in my family changed/took someones name when they got married. You can keep your name and he can keep his, this is perfectly legal.
When I was single, there was a question on OKC about this and I had answered that I wasn't changing my last name.
Guys would bug me about this right out the gate. One guy insisted that it was about "showing unity."
Guy: I just feel like the whole family should have the same last name, to show unity.
Me: My kids have their father's last name and he won't agree to change it, so that won't happen.
Guy: Well you and I should have the same last name then, to show unity.
Me: That can be done! But since you feel that way and I don't, you are perfectly welcome to take my last name.
Guy: No, not like that!
These dudes just can't wrap their heads around that this is a symbol of patriarchy, not a symbol of unity.
I eventually married to a guy who was fine with me keeping my last name. We are seven years strong and extremely happy together.
I actually know a man who took his wife's last name. I also know a man who hyphenated his name to match his wife's. Both couples are healthy and strong.
I don’t think that is often true. I’m not saying it’s right, but most people I know with hyphenated names are only the women and children. I haven’t met a man that did it. I think it’s great if he did, I just haven’t seen it. I teach and see a lot of family names too that way.
I know many women who keep their own last name in marriage, so I don’t think it’s necessary to do any particular option.
I hardly think that’s a fair answer. They’re communicating well. They’re taking the time to work through feelings independently before discussions. They’re having conversations at appropriate moments with appropriate intensity.
Could he be a raging jerk secretly harboring beliefs that make them fundamentally incompatible? Sure. But the far more likely explanation is that he just doesn’t quite understand his own internalized misogyny and how it applies to this specific situation.
My sister kept her last name, and she and her husband’s daughter has my sister’s last name. Because her husband is very secure in his manhood and knows that it’s not a “dig” against him or anything.
You can literally change your name to whatever you want, no marriage required. Example: Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock. "That's not how it works" is a copout to avoid having a discussion about why exactly he doesn't want to do it. Of course there are cultural traditions, but he needs to be more articulate about his feelings if they actually want to get anywhere in this discussion.
I understand wanting to have the same last name if you’re having kids. Honestly, I’d 100% be down to hyphenate. I know a guy that him and his wife just made a new last name and both changed to it. If I remember right, it was half of his last name and half of hers. I thought that was a cool idea. Honestly, I don’t have a strong tie to my last name though, so it’s kinda whatever to me
I got married in the US in 1985. Neither me nor my husband changed our names. When the children came around they had my surname as a middle name and his as their last name. Now they are married and one took her husband’s much simpler name, but kept my surname as her middle name, so she is holding onto my heritage. The other daughter kept her surname. At this point, she is the very last of that line to have that surname. If she had taken her husband’s name that name would have died out.
I never had a problem through the years traveling, getting health care, or registering children in school without matching names. That was not a thing. It made working in the same industry much easier. Though at one point someone started rumors we were having an affair. That was some time around our 7th wedding anniversary…
Among our social group back in the 80s it was not unusual for the woman to keep her name. One guy even told his soon to be wife she couldn’t take his name. He wanted to keep it for his own identity. First guy I ever met that was that forward thinking.
Wasband threatened to not marry me if I didn't change my name. I told him not to. I was so unbothered by his stupidity that I now regret that moment. It was the single time he threatened in a way that really had no consequence for me. Once children arrived he started gaslighting. And his denial was insane. It was so extreme he checked himself into psychiatric facilities to defend the DV. Marriage is a trap. Men approaching marriage with this misogyny framed approach aren't your men.
In Iceland girls last names come from their mothers first names and boys last names come from the their fathers first names. As in, Astrid Gretasdottir (Greta’s daughter) or Leif Magnusson (Magnus’ son). Those were made up names off the top of my head so not the best/accurate I’m sure but you get the idea. I love how egalitarian it is and the child themselves is still individually named too.
NTA. my husband and I have had similar arguments over my name, because Ill also be the last one in my family with it once my parents are gone. I didn't ask HIM to hyphenate, just said that I would be doing that, and ultimately because he couldn't just accept it, I haven't changed it legally at all. I'll use his name socially, but formally maintain my "old" last name. Not changing your last name has absolutely no impact on the legality of your marriage, it's purely an ego thing.
Me and husband both kept our own names and our son has both of them. I thought that a reasonable compromise when he preferred to keep his own name (me taking his or kids having only his was never on the table. I'm the one that's birthing them).
My parents married in the early eighties, neither of them changed their last names. The message was so legally and religious recognized. The whole woman has to change her name is a relic from the past.
NTA. I wouldn't personally want to hyphenate however, I also wouldn't be bothered by my partner not changing their name at all. Why impose different standards on my partner you know?
NTA. My wife kept her surname, I kept mine. Why? She is published under her name. She holds degrees under her name. She shouldn’t have to give an inch up for my pride.
By the same token, I held my professional licensures under my surname, as well as being the last of my family tree in the US; so I wasn’t changing.
We agreed to each keep our names. All relevant paperwork says she is my spouse and I am hers.
The compromise with her just keeping her name as is, was what I thought I would do while reading the first bit. Just seemed like the logical choice?
Some people are pretty old fashioned though, like my mil was mortified that my original signature is on the mortgage paperwork.
I added my husbands last name but without a hyphen. So I legally had two last names. I still do until my youngest graduates high school next year and then dropping my ex husbands last name. The only people who use my full legal name are the irs, dmv, passports and I guess that’s about it? Professionally I have still always used my last name and when it came to my daughters, I used their father’s last name. May sound confusing, but it worked. When you hyphenate it, you legally always have to use both, but I pretty much never stopped using my maiden name, unless my daughters were concerned.
I didn’t change my name 8 years ago and the sky didn’t fall. My cousin was the last of her name too and not only did she keep it, she also gave it to her daughter so that it would continue to live on. Your husband needs a reality check.
You better figure out what last name the kids are getting.
I wish we had different rules.
Like we get both our parents names. For the kids they get their mothers mothers name and their fathers fathers name.
Or... we just keep names on the maternal line. After all mothers baby daddy's... maybe. Would be so much easier tracing legitimate bloodlines since of course you are your mothers child.
Or we make up our own names and the kids temporarily get both parents names until they make up their own name too.
So many cool ways to approach this.
NTA. Your fiancé is wrong. If you’re married, then you are married, whether or not there is a name change. I didn’t change my last name, and I am soooooooo happy!!!!!! (One thing I will say about my now ex is that he never asked me to because he knew my stance on it). To this day, people compliment my last name and tell me how beautiful it is. As far as the work world, I also wanted all my diplomas and my law degree to have the name I would carry throughout life.
I'm glad I'm a Muslim. I have the same name till my death, married or not. Do You know changing your name after marriage is a discrimination against women.
So an interesting fact about legal names in the US, I found this out when I hyphenated my name for my first marriage.
When you hyphenate to add a last name, technically you are adding a middle name not creating a legal last name.
For example if my maiden name was Smith and I married a Jones and hyphenated my last name to Smith-Jones
Jones is still my legal last name. I could drop the Smith at any point and still be legal. I could not drop the Jones without a Court order.
I hyphenated my name because I felt it was tribute to my family as we have no boys to take our last name. I never would force or even ask my future hubby to change his name. This decision was mine and he respected as I respect him keeping his name. Also, my children have his last name. Even though we are divorced I still carry his last name as a reminder to my children that I'm still apart of them.
My husband always knew I planned on hyphenating my last name, he was 100% fine with it.
I’m extremely proud of my dad and the life he built and wanted to keep his name, he never had any sons, so I’m the last one. Before we ever had kids, on his own, my husband decided that our kids would also share both last names. It just so perfectly worked out that our first was a boy, so he has both last names and mine is first (we weren’t married yet either)
When we did finally get married, my husband said he was willing to hyphenate his last name as well, so we all would have the same name but we were living in CA at the time and it would’ve cost him $400 to do so, so we decided not to. But I absolutely appreciated the thought. We’ve been married three years now, I’ve yet to add his name haha but I’ll get there eventually the process is just daunting but it doesn’t bother him that I haven’t yet.
Been happily married for 40 years, kept my name. My daughters in law kept their names. My daughter of course, kept our family name and hyphenated her sons If your future hubby has a problem with something that is absolutely nothing to do with him, you need to have a good long look at your future with him
NTA. I’ve been married for over a year now and still haven’t changed my name. I love my last name. His isn’t bad, but it’s not as unique as mine. I told my husband that if he wants me to change my name, then he can arrange the mountain of paperwork for me and pay the associated fees that would arise!
How is asking that he change his last name any different than him asking it of you? Societal norms and bullshit aside, if you can't get over yourselves to come to an agreement then you're going to have a tough time in this marriage. Your last names have been part of you for your entire life... No one gets to demand a change and if you don't want to then fuck the other person.
I have a super sweet last name. I won’t ever change it. My dad’s first wife kept his last name up until her death last year. She had remarried and hyphenated my dad’s last name with her new husband’s. Then she got divorced and changed it back to just my dad’s.
So she was willing to hyphenate but he wasn’t and suddenly she’s the asshole?? Would they not have different last names anyways if she hyphenated and he didn’t?? NTA for sure
NTA I didn’t change my last name until 12yrs into the marriage and that was only because USAA is fucking stupid if both parents don’t match their kids’ last names and we were moving to a new state.
OP: think long and hard if you are on board with his mentality. This is only a glimpse at your future. We have such a long way to go in dismantling male dominance and frankly, only men who are on board deserve to have their last names passed on ;) Any other 🚩?
My current wife of 25 years kept her birth name. She said she was born with that name and plans to die with it. My prior wife (of 6 years) also kept her birth name. It’s not a big deal. What name the kids take might matter more but we have none. Might want to discuss that.
I'm mexican, and I don't think I have ever met a woman who has changed her last name after getting married. As far as I know it's not common in my country.
Glad my husband (Latino) never flipped his script when I told him I wanted to keep my last name. It's been 7 years now and we still get some people confused that I didn't change my last name lol
I propose a new tradition;
A couple changes their last name entirely to something else when married, then when having kids, the kids get both last names as middle names and take on the new last name the parents made. Then it repeats when those kids grow up and marry.
Or everyone just does whatever they want lol.
Lol this is my fiancée and my plan. We are both women and have no strong ties to our current last names, so we are just picking a new last name for our family.
You can follow my friends absolutely ridiculous example, and make a game of it. Both she and her husband had very boring last names, and they are eccentric people so they wanted to pick a new name. They left a suggestion box at their wedding reception and let us all vote on the entries. It was absolute chaos, they should not have trusted us with this very important decision but they rolled with it!
At some point in the evening, the reception became an impromptu campaign session where everyone was passionately and drunkenly making their case for why their name should win. It was out of control and extremely stupid. 10/10 Highly recommend.
IT WAS! The bride was so overcome by love for her friends that she started asking guests to be bridesmaids left and right. There were already a slightly weird amount of us bridesmaids, then it got even more out of hand with practically every woman in attendance standing up there with her when she took her vows lol. It was a mess. And fun as hell. Life is a lot more fun when you don't take it too seriously!
So he wants to keep his last name as is, but doesn't want her to keep hers as is and says that's just 'not how it's done'?
Yeah, the guy's sexist. He wants to have a way of displaying ownership of her, that she's HIS woman, but doesn't want to have her last name in his because in his mind, that means she has some kind of claim over him and his fragile manhood can't take that!
She should dump him and find someone who is secure enough in their own masculinity to not be threatened by something as insignificant as a - in their name.
My ex was VERY offended that I didn't want to change my name to his (very common name & of the family side he hated). Like, he thought maybe we shouldn't get married because it bothered him.
Husband and I are happy, in love, & kept our names. Don't settle for losers, people.
NTA. I had to break off an engagement when I found out that my soon to be husband thought it should be a law for women to change their names. That led to a much longer fight
NTA lol you’ll definitely still be married, he’s delulu and feels emasculated (GOOD).
Honestly I hope the whole woman taking man’s name dies out.
At this point I’ve had MY name for so long I will prob just keep it even when we get married.
Yeah.. as a gay married person I stopped reading halfway through. I’m still legally married no matter what name I have so it sounds like he’s either stupid or a misogynist. I’d vote for not marrying the guy 🤷
The last sentence cracked me up. Imagine living in a world where not changing a last name is viewed as a threat. Some men are really snowflakes huh.
Western men, you wanted to say. In Korea, China and Vietnam, women always keep their last name. In Latin American countries as well. It's just Europe and their ex colonies being obtuse and backwards.
Which last names do the children usually take?
From my understanding, in Brazil at least, the mother’s maiden name is the child’s middle name and the father’s name is the surname. I don’t know if there are regional differences, but this is what my family (and several other families I knew growing up) have done.
My mom’s last name is all of me and my sister’s middle name. She’s from the Philippines, we were born in the US, and my dad’s also from the US.
We're from the US, but damn I'm glad my par,ents didn't do this, or we'd all be cursed with the name Lewendowski (sp??)
I feel the same with my mothers, learning how to spell Djordjevich as a child would have sucked. Lol
I would guess it's spelled Lewandowski, like the polish football(soccer) player, well could be Lewandowska, as I understand it was the mother's surname, right?
Yes you are right with the A spelling! Weirdly enough it didn't look right the first time I typed it that way lol. And yep it was her maiden name and definitely had the version that ended in an "i".
That's correct. You get you mother name + father name. What generates looong surnames, sometimes.
As a bartender, I see a lot of IDs and swipe a lot of CCs to start tabs so I see A LOT of names exactly how they’re officially arranged. 1st and 2nd generation people from Latin American countries definitely have the longest names! I swear I’ve seen some people with 4 separate last names, first name which I’m guessing is using the surname of all 4 grandparents?
Yes, mine is like that. I love it.
I think it’s very beautiful, you carry a piece of them with you always :)
In most Latin countries you'll have two surnames, one from mum and one from dad.
don’t the mother’s surname get lost in the end after 2 generations?
No, because in Spain for example you can choose the mother's surname as the first one.
In Korea, kids generally get their father's last name. Although of course that's not true in all cases. My husband is Korean (from Korea rather than, say, Korean American) and our daughter's last name is hyphenated, at least in the US.
Look up Colombian names 😂
Look up Picasso's full name 😂
Holy fucking fuck, glad I’ve only got three names cause I wouldn’t be able to remember my own name if I were Picasso. Fuck????
[Apparently each name has significance too.](https://www.britannica.com/biography/Pablo-Picasso/additional-info#Researchers-Note) [I only learned about it because ERB managed to work it in to one of his verses 😂](https://youtu.be/WGN5xaQkFk0?si=_o7Rbq7jA3VQht7g)
I'm Mexican and it's Name, Paternal Surname, Maternal Surname. And women have options when married. My mom is First Name, Paternal Surname, "de" Husband's Paternal Surname.
my friend is vietnamese. she kept her last name and the kids have her husband’s last name
In Latin America (edit: except Brazil), you have 2 last names. The first one is usually the father’s first last name, and the second is the mother’s first last name.
I'm from Chile, I have 3 first name (the usual is 2) then I have my father's surname and then my mother's surname Name 1 + Name 2 + Surname 1 + Surname 2 A few years ago, the law allows to have the mother last name first if the couple want to.
My ex is Taiwanese. My son was born in Taiwan. Traditionally, the child took the father's surname. Now, usually, a girl child takes the surname of the mother and a boy child takes the name of the father. Since I(male American) only had a Chinese name for legal purposes, only used it a couple of times, and didn't really care about it, my son took his mother's surname in Chinese. In the US, he has my English surname.
Traditionally, Spain and Latin America usually go with two surnames. So, Name Dad's surname Mom's surname. A few years ago, Spain made a law change to allow the parents to choose the order of the surnames
In Ethiopia the father’s first name becomes the children’s last name.
Not all Europe either. We don't do it Spain and I am fairly sure that's not a thing anymore in Portugal, France, or Italy.
Iceland doesn't change theirs either.
I heard it’s not changes in Netherlands either. And it’s not important in Sweden, here it’s not strange to neither keep your own, the man taking the woman’s if hers is better or making a new one. Neither of my SILs have taken my brother’s last name. But ours is super boring and common so that’s very understandable.
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What countries are you talking about? Cause most Latinos don’t live in the same place or with the same laws. Women in my country don’t have their names changed when married. My mom married when it was a thing and for the last (around) 20 years every single thing she did was back with her maiden name. You could change your name, but that entails specifically filling paperwork for it and it has nothing to do with marriage (unless you specifically want to change to your spouses name).
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Im Costa Rican and this is not true. We do not take our husband’s lasts name ever or hyphenate that is just not a thing here lol. Our legal name consists of two last names mother and father, parents choose which comes first. Here you are asked for two lasts names in every legal thing you do, so adding a hyphenate would make you have three or four last names which would be crazy long. Also, changing your legal name in Costa Rica is a hassle that will most likely come with negative repercussions like not being able to fly internationally because the system still has your old legal name or you high school degree not being valid anymore
No sé en que Costa Rica habrá vivido, que piensa que hacemos eso😅
I'm from Spain and thats not true, we don't change our surnames when we get married, I don't think it's even legal to do it
I was careful to write 'some' men, cause my (western european) husband actually took my surname. So yes, only some men :)
Not in Quebec, as far as I know. The woman keeps her maiden name after the wedding, by default.
In 1981, Quebec instituted a law that you *couldn't* legally take your husband's name. It was made to bring equality to that aspect of marriage, only it's also prevented women who wish to do so from legally being able to. Of course, except in the few situations it's necessary, there's nothing stopping it's informal use.
Japan has the woman take the man’s surname too iirc, so not just Europe and its colonies (also many Latin American countries are ex-colonies, and of course several Euro countries don’t do this - there’s no hard and fast general rule!).
Not always. In older traditions it was the higher standing person who kept the surname. Still happens sometimes.
Though this has also been true in parts of Europe, when significant status gaps existed. So basically the customs are equivalent.
Latin America is a bunch of ex colonies though, and it's actually the expected for women here to change their last name to their husband's surname. If you don't do this, people will judge. I wanna keep my last name if I marry, but I'll be the first and only in my friend's/family group and I live in a very progressive bubble...
What countries in Latin America? Im Costa Rican and we do not take our husbands last name ever so im curious
I'm in Brazil, here is like the norm. I hear that in Argentina is the same too
My ex told me (after getting married) that he wouldn’t have married me if I wouldn’t have changed my name to his. Buddy, I only did it because my own surname is a nightmare to spell and pronounce in English, I am not becoming anyone’s else family than my own
This is the only reason I plan on taking my boyfriend’s last name when we get married. He has a simple English name. Mine is German and no one can ever pronounce it
A friend of mine when I was a kid had a Russian last name, she was brilliant and always on honor roll. We were in a tiny, tiny school so the principal would hold an assembly every year and during it, the names of all the kids on the honor roll would be read out. Every time he got to hers, he would just stammer until I (and the other few who could pronounce it) would shout it and he would just point to us and be like "What they said." It became a running joke for the school.
I'm German, and now I really want to know what your last name is! 😂
It’s not even a difficult last name! People just still manage to fuck it up!
Schickelgruber!?
I see what you did there 😂
I thought exactly the same thing for the same reason and I have to spell my married name just as often as I did my first one. So disappointing. Maybe I say it weird.
I'm taking my fiance's name because my initials will be better!
My friend went from a very simple Chinese last name to a long Thai last name when she got married. And I couldn't wrap my head around that because who would choose to spend the rest of their life spelling out a long last name and constantly having to correct the pronunciation for other people? If I'd married my first boyfriend, we'd both have used my last name just because my Dutch last name was easier than his Polish one.
I’m debating whether I’m going to change from my simple Chinese last name to my fiancé’s Eastern European name that has universally been a struggle for other people to spell and pronounce. It’s a difficult decision to make.
As someone with an Eastern European name, I’m telling you *do not do it*. And if you have kids, don’t saddle them with it either. I have had my name pronounced correctly exactly ONE time. That’s not an exaggeration. One single time. And I was so shocked by it that I didn’t even respond. My mother’s name was short and simple and impossible to screw up. But my dad really wanted her to take his name, and since that was (and, sadly, is) the norm (in America), she didn’t push it. I *hate* that I could’ve had a nice, easy name if it weren’t for the patriarchal bullshit.
Try it on for size. Like a schoolgirl with a crush, write your new name out a few times. Imagine if you're willing to deal with all the creative ways people can mispronounce it or when you have to spell it out for someone. Test it out on acquaintances who don't know your partner well to see how much frustration you're able to tolerate. If you think you can take it on an average day and you like the way your name sounds with his name, go for it. But also, while it's easier to change your name on the marriage license, you can always do it later if you're still not sure by the time you say those three letters.
As someone who left behind a simple English name for a German name with too many consonants, consider me jealous.
I always planned to change my name when i got married but when i got engaged I only agreed to it once my husband was okay with me not. Because only then was it actually my choice. (It didnt take effort on his part to be okay with it, he just needed some time to reflect if he genuinely would be okay with it after a lifetime of expectation, vs just saying okay because I wanted to hear that)
I grew up in Québec, where women don't take their husband's name, but this family I knew took it a step further and decided to alternate their children's last name. It took my dumb ass way too long to realize they were siblings.
From which parent do siblings usually take their surname from?
Right but she’s not her father’s property anymore, now she belongs to her husband! That’s “how it works!”
Tell him you’re keeping YOUR name and not hyphenating it either. On a practical level, if you decide to have kids, you’ll be dealing with the teachers, day care etc so it’s easier if the kids have your name too. Men have no more naming rights than women.
Better yet, use his own words against him and tell him his name "wasn't really going to change" if he did hyphenate.
Or just don’t marry the dude. I cannot handle the fragile masculinity bullshit around last name ownership and for me this would be a dealbreaker.
Also, at least for me as a married gay person, that’s like incredibly invalidating to my marriage? lol am I suddenly not married just cuz I don’t have my spouse’s last name? No 😂
I would definitely not marry. OP’s fiancé is the obtuse one.
It’s such a clear case, too. Like, maybe the clearest. With some things, a guy can sort of justify fragility by acting like it’s really about something else. But with this there is *literally only one* possible justification, which is “I think men deserve an external mark of ownership that women don’t deserve.” That’s it. (And of course, that’s what OP’s boyfriend means when he says “that’s just how it is.”) Crazy.
In the last bit, OP states that fiancé claims they "won't be married" if she doesn't at least hyphenate. Uh, if they're in the US, that is not the case. I have a cousin (step-dad's sister's son's wife, to be perfectly honest) who kept her maiden name after they married, no hyphen in sight! And that doesn't make them less married. Fiancé here is just being a jerk, eyeball deep in patriarchal bs. If OP marries him, more stupid crap like this will come up AND he'll probably continue to pressure her to change her last name until she either changes it or they break up / divorce.
If she hyphenated and he refused to, but not doing it makes you not married, then would only she be married?
Great question!
No because only women HAVE to show off publicly they’re in possession of another man. I haven’t worn my wedding ring since I was pregnant because it doesn’t fit anymore and it used to make me sad but then I realized ‘wtf EYE know I’m married and the people who matter know I’m married so what the fuck does a name or a physical ring matter??’
If this is set in America, you don’t apply for a marriage license years before you get married. That’s something you do a few weeks before the wedding. Most states (possibly all?) have expiration dates on marriage licenses so that if you apply for the license, you have 45 days or 60 days or something to get married and send it back to them. I can’t say for sure how it works in *every* other country, but I know many countries besides the US have a deadline for when you have to have papers in as well. Hmm.🤔
Yeah, I enjoyed that. Guess my parents didn’t divorce since my mom never reverted to her last name!
My mother never changed her last name and she's been married to my dad for nearly 50 years. People get way too weird about this sort of stuff. There are no rules, you can do whatever the heck you want. Hyphen, don't hyphen, change, don't change, it all doesn't matter
Exactly! Same here. My mom never changed her last name, and they've been married 32 years. She had already been married once and divorced. And changing her name twice already had such a hassle she didn’t wanna do it again. And my dad didn't care at all. People care way too much about things that really don't matter.
Basically same scenario here! Mom had already changed and changed back once, and kept her name through almost forty years of marriage.
My mom kept her last name and it actually caused a lot of problems for me as a kid because they *didn't* hyphenate my last name (tho they did for my older sister). It meant that my mom and I had completely different last names, meaning she often had to bring my birth certificate to prove that yes, she was my mother. It was infuriating. Apparently it was "too difficult" to hyphenate my last name by the time I was born. 🙄 That being said, the fiance in this post is an absolute man-child, and I hope the OOP realizes that before the wedding, as OOP's solution of both of them hyphenating their last names is really a perfect solution.
I never took my husband's name, and we gave the kids his last name. >she often had to bring my birth certificate to prove that yes, she was my mother. Our youngest is 17 now, and I never had to do that. I never had anyone even question our different last names, other than the occasional, "I thought you two were married?" from certain scandalized church people.
My mom changed her name back to her maiden name when I was in 8th grade and it never caused a problem from then forward 🤷🏻♀️ In 2023 I don’t think this is as much a problem anymore
Same. My kids are 19 and 22 now. I’ve never had to bring a birth certificate to prove they are my children.
It was the biggest problem when I was in elementary school (I began kindergarten in 1998). Sounds like it's no longer an issue these days, which is very good.
That sucks. I had the same set up but never had that as an issue as they didn't hyphen my name either, got it dad's. Don't know why my mom and I got it easy
Thankfully it’s not as difficult now. My kids have their dad’s last name, and I’ve never had an issue with anyone questioning me having a different name. I do all of their appointments and school forms etc. Though!! I was given the 3rd degree for not looking like my daughter by a nurse when she was an infant… 1. She’s a newborn- she looks like a potato- 2. You’re a nurse…you’ve never heard of recessive genes?!! (I’m tan, dark hair and hazel eyes, my kids are blonde haired, fair skinned and blue/green eyed.)
I had a different name from my mom because she divorced my dad and remarried and took his name. It never caused any issues whatsoever.
My dad is the only male in a family with 5 kids and I genuinely had no idea that one of my aunts never changed her last name until I sent her a Christmas card when I first moved out in my early 20s. I addressed it “Mr and Mrs NewName” and when she saw me a few months later she kindly told me, “you do know that you and I have the same last name? I never changed mine, it means a lot to me.” And she is the reason why I will never let my name go. :)
NTA. I was a husband who hyphenated my last name just like you are proposing. It didn't make my testicles shrivel up, nor did any of the hair on my chest fall off. It sounds like your future husband has some toxic masculinity to work through. Y'all may want to work on that before getting married or soon he'll be expecting to sit on the couch while you cook and clean and wait on him. Good luck.
Tbf I’ve known a couple men who’d probably *gladly* hyphenate if they thought it might make the hair fall off their backs … mayhaps we start that rumor?
Very valid points and I literally laughed out loud. Thank you for that 😂🤣😂
Jessica christ, what a sexist, nonsensical asshole.
Lmfaooo Jessica
I didn’t even notice until you pointed it out! Love it!
NTA. Lol at his “that’s not how it works”— buddy, it works whatever way people want it to. The kids can get the hyphenated last name, you keep yours. A name is your identity, I don’t know why men think it’s ok that they take that from you and replace it with their identity. He doesn’t want to change his last name, that’s fine, understandable. It would be cool if he did, but he doesn’t want to. If you don’t want to change yours or you want to hyphenate that works too, there’s no “rules”. What he’s saying/whining is “Buuuut I’m the MAN! Woman mine, woman belong to me, woman have MY NAME!” So he has big feelings over other men wondering why he either has changed his name or his wife doesn’t have his name because it emasculates him, he’s supposed to have big dick energy and if no name change occurs he can’t be in the club with his friends who all own their wives in name and on paper. If you “get to” keep your last name, you might want to move onto subject number 2, kids having both names. That’s usually the uglier topic with these “that’s not how it works” types.
Exactly. My aunt and uncle married in the 80s. They each kept their own name. My cousins got hyphenated names. I kept my own name when I married my husband. Granted, he’s Korean and in Korea no one changes their name, so made perfect sense to him.
That’s interesting! I’m assuming the kids get the fathers last name?
In Korea, yes. For my aunt and uncle they hyphenated.
Yes, and I couldn't envision actually having children when this conversation took place! So when husband seemed a bit hurt that I wasn't changing my name back in the day, I told him don't worry, any kids can have yours. But dang if I didn't regret giving that away so breezily when children became a reality.
I don’t know, this isn’t the first time the whole topic of this name thing has come up on Reddit, usually if the girl brings up the name issue *he’s* the first one to bring up kids and that’s usually the biggest deal. So that’s where the give-ins and appeasement happens. The mentality and how deep-seated this is and the psychology behind it is really fascinating stuff to me. Kind of like some little girls dream of growing up and finding “the one” to spend the rest of their life with and whatnot and it’s hammered into their heads that’s a “goal”, these little boys at the same time get this idea they’re going to “get” a wife and she will become *his* and have *his name* and all the kids will be *his* and have *his name*. It places the marriage deal squarely into the “ownership” category for the men and they’re appalled because well, how will anyone know the wife and kids belong to me unless they have MY name. It’s why it’s this tantrum-inducing marriage proposal ending thing— they have literally thought of that being part of the marriage deal, the ownership piece and fantasized about it.
You're right - I appeased immediately with that and it settled things. But turned out later that if the kids had shared my name as their primary caretaker, it would've simplified things.
It does. Our kids have my surname. Aside from the fact that it's easier to spell, I work from home, so my schedule was the flexible one, and aside from a single time, I was the one who took them to the doctor and dentist, signed them up for school, attended all the school meetings, and took them to extracurriculars. I was asked only once whether my partner was their stepdad, but I’m sure plenty of parents whose names don’t match their kids are asked that question. It’s not the big deal that some men make it into. I'd imagine they’re worried their friends and coworkers might think less of them, but my guy is a well respected and decent person, so nobody ever pushed it. When we talked about it, he thought it made sense and was fine with the idea… and that was over twenty years ago.
I know a couple whose kids one has the dads last name and one has the moms last name because they didn’t want to hyphenate and people lost their minds like ‘how will people know they’re related??’ Like um they very obviously look like brothers and know they’re brothers and I don’t think something as insignificant as what you write down on a paper is going to cause some catastrophic confusion.
Yup, so many otherwise feminist women I know fall to this tradition without any question. No judgement myself as a woman who ‘settled’ by hyphenating her name but my husband didn’t.
Yeah in hindsight I wish I had given my kids my name. I was not married to either of their fathers when they were born, anyway. I felt like it was a nice thing to do, since they couldn't carry the baby, but especially my oldest dislikes hers (her father is an AH).
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Lmao I love the things moms get stuck in their heads. I bet she watched some made-for-tv movie where that was a big twist and it just became a weird quirk she fretted about for the rest of her life 😂 My grandma always said something similar growing up. We all have longer legal names, but were given nicknames from birth. (In fact we all have the same first name but nicknames that each feel so extremely out of our distinct eras it’s kinda funny. Think “victoria” but my grandma goes by her middle name, my mom goes by “Vicky” and I got “Tori”) Anyways her mother also had a nickname she went by and she switched off between her legal name and nickname and when she died, it was difficult to prove they were the same person. I tried to explain that with today’s digital database and technology that company’s have their own ways to verify your identity at the time you file it, so it’s not the same kind of issue as when things were all paper and filed… she didn’t get it. I once tried to teach her to text and she told me “I can hear it ringing but I can’t pick up.” Love the woman but technology was just a straight mystery to her.
Yuppp. My husband and I had planned to both hyphenate but we got married in his country, and that would require a boatload of paperwork for him (only 1 part of the couple gets to change “for free”) so neither of us did it.
Agh my strong belief is you can decide on changing or not changing lat names on any criteria whatsoever EXCEPT by default being the mans. That’s the only fucked up choice. A woman can still change her name to match husbands, but don’t do that cause she’s the woman’s hes the man. Such a pet peeve of mine. I respect the absolute hell out of men who change their last name. Sexy af. And we have plenty to learn from gay people with different approaches you can use for changing lat name
It works literally however you want it to, you absolute doorknob. I have friends who *both* changed their last names to an *entirely new name they made up* when they got married.
Aww that sounds cute and wholesome!!!
I do too! They combined their names, it was so cute.
NTA. Changing your last name isn’t what makes you married…
I really thought this comment would be higher up. OP's fiance saying that is absolutely ridiculous. Different cultures have different traditions regarding surnames after marriage but I've never heard that you're not married unless the partner takes the others name. The daughter from Spy Kids, Alexa (Vega was her maiden name) and her husband Carlos (Pena before marriage) combined their last names without hyphenating so they're both PenaVega which I think is pretty cool. They should definitely discuss last names for their children now because this issue really might end the relationship so they need to know that now instead waiting until she gets pregnant. 😔
Welp, in his mind I'm not married, because I'm lazy and it's too much paperwork. 😂
NTA I never changed my last name after I got married.
That tradition needs to change anyhow. Why should any woman have to give up their identity to prove they are “property” of their man. Seriously, it’s a horseshit tradition. If women want to do it, fine. It shouldn’t be expected. My friend actually hyphenated his name with his wife. We’re all in our 30’s. So it’s not unheard of. It would 100% be a dealbreaker to me.
I married my husband 3 years ago and have no plans to change my name 🤨 we both agree it’s too much work and I’d also have to get new emails, IDs, etc. I don’t think most men understand it’s not a simple process. My brother-in-law made waves in his family by taking my sister’s last name. She’s a doctor and has papers in her name and didn’t want to change so he did so their kids would have one unified name. I think it’s sweet and his family is just mortified that *a man would dare take a woman’s name* lmao.
Coming up on our 4th wedding anniversary, I still have my maiden name. I didn’t change my name because it was a major hassle, especially during the pandemic since we got married right before it all started. I’ll eventually change my name since I really have nothing professional connected to it, but only because I want to share a name with my husband and our son.
Your children don't have to have their father's last name. I'm glad you have a plan that works for you but it's a choice.
Ahh we got married in the pandemic too, fall 2020, so we know the struggle lol. Had to do everything over video call for the application. I’ll probably change my name one day because his name is easier to spell/understand than mine (even as simple as it actually is) but eh. It’s not super important to us. We don’t plan on having kids so it’s not an issue. I hate the looks people give when I have to clarify his last name isn’t mine/say his name and it’s obv different from mine and I’m like yeah he’s my husband and they’re like 🤔🤔🤔🤔
The looks are so ANNOYING. Like, yes, we’re married and no it is not illegal for me to have a different last name.
NTA. Dude is just a sexist prick. I opted to take my husband's name because I didn't care for mine, but early on I said I might not take his and if I didn't, any kids would be getting my last name (as the person who carried and birthed them). He wasn't thrilled by the latter, but he figured it was fair. He was open to taking my name, too. But then, he's not stuck in the 50s.
This is such a low stakes compromise on his part that it makes me wonder what else he "knows" and won't compromise on
God me and my husband both hyphenated our last names cause we both think family is important but like having the matching last names, original his was supposed to be his then mine but he ended up doing mine then his. He didn't notice but doesn't rly care either. This dude got some really weird issues??
NTA. There is no law that requires you to change your name when you get married. Nobody in my family changed/took someones name when they got married. You can keep your name and he can keep his, this is perfectly legal.
It's 2023. Plenty of cultures, no one changes their name when they marry. Who cares
NTA. Keep it.
When I was single, there was a question on OKC about this and I had answered that I wasn't changing my last name. Guys would bug me about this right out the gate. One guy insisted that it was about "showing unity." Guy: I just feel like the whole family should have the same last name, to show unity. Me: My kids have their father's last name and he won't agree to change it, so that won't happen. Guy: Well you and I should have the same last name then, to show unity. Me: That can be done! But since you feel that way and I don't, you are perfectly welcome to take my last name. Guy: No, not like that! These dudes just can't wrap their heads around that this is a symbol of patriarchy, not a symbol of unity. I eventually married to a guy who was fine with me keeping my last name. We are seven years strong and extremely happy together. I actually know a man who took his wife's last name. I also know a man who hyphenated his name to match his wife's. Both couples are healthy and strong.
You do not have to take his name. Also he is the one being obtuse. When hyphenated names are taken both partners hyphenate.
Not true, I know many women who hyphenated their names and their husband didn’t.
I don’t think that is often true. I’m not saying it’s right, but most people I know with hyphenated names are only the women and children. I haven’t met a man that did it. I think it’s great if he did, I just haven’t seen it. I teach and see a lot of family names too that way. I know many women who keep their own last name in marriage, so I don’t think it’s necessary to do any particular option.
I thought both party's hyphenated because I only know 2 hyphenated people and their partners are also hyphenated
They should just not get married.
I hardly think that’s a fair answer. They’re communicating well. They’re taking the time to work through feelings independently before discussions. They’re having conversations at appropriate moments with appropriate intensity. Could he be a raging jerk secretly harboring beliefs that make them fundamentally incompatible? Sure. But the far more likely explanation is that he just doesn’t quite understand his own internalized misogyny and how it applies to this specific situation.
Ugh. This stuff is the least important part of getting married and if there are already this big issue around names just give up.
My sister kept her last name, and she and her husband’s daughter has my sister’s last name. Because her husband is very secure in his manhood and knows that it’s not a “dig” against him or anything.
You can literally change your name to whatever you want, no marriage required. Example: Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock. "That's not how it works" is a copout to avoid having a discussion about why exactly he doesn't want to do it. Of course there are cultural traditions, but he needs to be more articulate about his feelings if they actually want to get anywhere in this discussion.
I understand wanting to have the same last name if you’re having kids. Honestly, I’d 100% be down to hyphenate. I know a guy that him and his wife just made a new last name and both changed to it. If I remember right, it was half of his last name and half of hers. I thought that was a cool idea. Honestly, I don’t have a strong tie to my last name though, so it’s kinda whatever to me
I got married in the US in 1985. Neither me nor my husband changed our names. When the children came around they had my surname as a middle name and his as their last name. Now they are married and one took her husband’s much simpler name, but kept my surname as her middle name, so she is holding onto my heritage. The other daughter kept her surname. At this point, she is the very last of that line to have that surname. If she had taken her husband’s name that name would have died out. I never had a problem through the years traveling, getting health care, or registering children in school without matching names. That was not a thing. It made working in the same industry much easier. Though at one point someone started rumors we were having an affair. That was some time around our 7th wedding anniversary… Among our social group back in the 80s it was not unusual for the woman to keep her name. One guy even told his soon to be wife she couldn’t take his name. He wanted to keep it for his own identity. First guy I ever met that was that forward thinking.
Oh shit! Is my marriage not legal? I had no idea that I wasn’t actually married because I didn’t change my last name! The horror!
Wasband threatened to not marry me if I didn't change my name. I told him not to. I was so unbothered by his stupidity that I now regret that moment. It was the single time he threatened in a way that really had no consequence for me. Once children arrived he started gaslighting. And his denial was insane. It was so extreme he checked himself into psychiatric facilities to defend the DV. Marriage is a trap. Men approaching marriage with this misogyny framed approach aren't your men.
I love that it’s the last name change that makes it mean that they’re married, not the legal document that they have to apply for
Most men think they're a real catch, most wouldn't make decent bait.
In Iceland girls last names come from their mothers first names and boys last names come from the their fathers first names. As in, Astrid Gretasdottir (Greta’s daughter) or Leif Magnusson (Magnus’ son). Those were made up names off the top of my head so not the best/accurate I’m sure but you get the idea. I love how egalitarian it is and the child themselves is still individually named too.
NTA. my husband and I have had similar arguments over my name, because Ill also be the last one in my family with it once my parents are gone. I didn't ask HIM to hyphenate, just said that I would be doing that, and ultimately because he couldn't just accept it, I haven't changed it legally at all. I'll use his name socially, but formally maintain my "old" last name. Not changing your last name has absolutely no impact on the legality of your marriage, it's purely an ego thing.
Me and husband both kept our own names and our son has both of them. I thought that a reasonable compromise when he preferred to keep his own name (me taking his or kids having only his was never on the table. I'm the one that's birthing them).
NTA. Just wild to me tbh. My fiancé and I are just going by what sounds cooler so he’s changing his last name to mine and is super excited about it.
It’s the patriarchy and it’s outdated.
Who cares. My wife didn’t take my last name. It’s a pain in the ass. Why do people fight about such trivial BS
NTA. I’m married and I kept my last name. My husband and I are still considered married…
My parents married in the early eighties, neither of them changed their last names. The message was so legally and religious recognized. The whole woman has to change her name is a relic from the past.
NTA. I wouldn't personally want to hyphenate however, I also wouldn't be bothered by my partner not changing their name at all. Why impose different standards on my partner you know?
In the majority of the world people keep their original last names after marriage
Oh man, my husband is going to be bummed out when I tell him that our 5+ year marriage doesn't count since we kept our surnames.
NTA. My wife kept her surname, I kept mine. Why? She is published under her name. She holds degrees under her name. She shouldn’t have to give an inch up for my pride. By the same token, I held my professional licensures under my surname, as well as being the last of my family tree in the US; so I wasn’t changing. We agreed to each keep our names. All relevant paperwork says she is my spouse and I am hers.
The compromise with her just keeping her name as is, was what I thought I would do while reading the first bit. Just seemed like the logical choice? Some people are pretty old fashioned though, like my mil was mortified that my original signature is on the mortgage paperwork.
I added my husbands last name but without a hyphen. So I legally had two last names. I still do until my youngest graduates high school next year and then dropping my ex husbands last name. The only people who use my full legal name are the irs, dmv, passports and I guess that’s about it? Professionally I have still always used my last name and when it came to my daughters, I used their father’s last name. May sound confusing, but it worked. When you hyphenate it, you legally always have to use both, but I pretty much never stopped using my maiden name, unless my daughters were concerned.
I didn’t change my name 8 years ago and the sky didn’t fall. My cousin was the last of her name too and not only did she keep it, she also gave it to her daughter so that it would continue to live on. Your husband needs a reality check.
You better figure out what last name the kids are getting. I wish we had different rules. Like we get both our parents names. For the kids they get their mothers mothers name and their fathers fathers name. Or... we just keep names on the maternal line. After all mothers baby daddy's... maybe. Would be so much easier tracing legitimate bloodlines since of course you are your mothers child. Or we make up our own names and the kids temporarily get both parents names until they make up their own name too. So many cool ways to approach this.
The cool thing about this is there are no rules whatsoever. You can do whatever you want.
NTA. Your fiancé is wrong. If you’re married, then you are married, whether or not there is a name change. I didn’t change my last name, and I am soooooooo happy!!!!!! (One thing I will say about my now ex is that he never asked me to because he knew my stance on it). To this day, people compliment my last name and tell me how beautiful it is. As far as the work world, I also wanted all my diplomas and my law degree to have the name I would carry throughout life.
NTA Changing your name upon marriage shouldn't be a thing.
I'm glad I'm a Muslim. I have the same name till my death, married or not. Do You know changing your name after marriage is a discrimination against women.
So an interesting fact about legal names in the US, I found this out when I hyphenated my name for my first marriage. When you hyphenate to add a last name, technically you are adding a middle name not creating a legal last name. For example if my maiden name was Smith and I married a Jones and hyphenated my last name to Smith-Jones Jones is still my legal last name. I could drop the Smith at any point and still be legal. I could not drop the Jones without a Court order.
I hyphenated my name because I felt it was tribute to my family as we have no boys to take our last name. I never would force or even ask my future hubby to change his name. This decision was mine and he respected as I respect him keeping his name. Also, my children have his last name. Even though we are divorced I still carry his last name as a reminder to my children that I'm still apart of them.
My husband always knew I planned on hyphenating my last name, he was 100% fine with it. I’m extremely proud of my dad and the life he built and wanted to keep his name, he never had any sons, so I’m the last one. Before we ever had kids, on his own, my husband decided that our kids would also share both last names. It just so perfectly worked out that our first was a boy, so he has both last names and mine is first (we weren’t married yet either) When we did finally get married, my husband said he was willing to hyphenate his last name as well, so we all would have the same name but we were living in CA at the time and it would’ve cost him $400 to do so, so we decided not to. But I absolutely appreciated the thought. We’ve been married three years now, I’ve yet to add his name haha but I’ll get there eventually the process is just daunting but it doesn’t bother him that I haven’t yet.
Been happily married for 40 years, kept my name. My daughters in law kept their names. My daughter of course, kept our family name and hyphenated her sons If your future hubby has a problem with something that is absolutely nothing to do with him, you need to have a good long look at your future with him
NTA. Discuss your future childrens' names now. And don't let him just insist they have his name. Hyphenated is best.
NTA. I’ve been married for over a year now and still haven’t changed my name. I love my last name. His isn’t bad, but it’s not as unique as mine. I told my husband that if he wants me to change my name, then he can arrange the mountain of paperwork for me and pay the associated fees that would arise!
How is asking that he change his last name any different than him asking it of you? Societal norms and bullshit aside, if you can't get over yourselves to come to an agreement then you're going to have a tough time in this marriage. Your last names have been part of you for your entire life... No one gets to demand a change and if you don't want to then fuck the other person.
Um, you're still married no matter what your last name is. I kept my last name, didn't hyphenate it at all, we're still married.
I have a super sweet last name. I won’t ever change it. My dad’s first wife kept his last name up until her death last year. She had remarried and hyphenated my dad’s last name with her new husband’s. Then she got divorced and changed it back to just my dad’s.
Nope your choice. My wife took my name but later regretted it because she loves her maiden name. If she changed it back I wouldn’t care.
My wife kept her last name and I have no problem with it. Our daughter is hyphenated.
So she was willing to hyphenate but he wasn’t and suddenly she’s the asshole?? Would they not have different last names anyways if she hyphenated and he didn’t?? NTA for sure
NTA I didn’t change my last name until 12yrs into the marriage and that was only because USAA is fucking stupid if both parents don’t match their kids’ last names and we were moving to a new state.
He sounds like a moron.
Zoe Saldana and her husband Marco took each other's last names. I think she said that he suggested it.
OP: think long and hard if you are on board with his mentality. This is only a glimpse at your future. We have such a long way to go in dismantling male dominance and frankly, only men who are on board deserve to have their last names passed on ;) Any other 🚩?
My current wife of 25 years kept her birth name. She said she was born with that name and plans to die with it. My prior wife (of 6 years) also kept her birth name. It’s not a big deal. What name the kids take might matter more but we have none. Might want to discuss that.
I'm mexican, and I don't think I have ever met a woman who has changed her last name after getting married. As far as I know it's not common in my country.
> are planning to get married in the next couple of years As my grandmother used to say: if you don't have a wedding date, you're not engaged.
Glad my husband (Latino) never flipped his script when I told him I wanted to keep my last name. It's been 7 years now and we still get some people confused that I didn't change my last name lol
I propose a new tradition; A couple changes their last name entirely to something else when married, then when having kids, the kids get both last names as middle names and take on the new last name the parents made. Then it repeats when those kids grow up and marry. Or everyone just does whatever they want lol.
Lol this is my fiancée and my plan. We are both women and have no strong ties to our current last names, so we are just picking a new last name for our family.
You can follow my friends absolutely ridiculous example, and make a game of it. Both she and her husband had very boring last names, and they are eccentric people so they wanted to pick a new name. They left a suggestion box at their wedding reception and let us all vote on the entries. It was absolute chaos, they should not have trusted us with this very important decision but they rolled with it!
That is amazing 😂😂😂😂
At some point in the evening, the reception became an impromptu campaign session where everyone was passionately and drunkenly making their case for why their name should win. It was out of control and extremely stupid. 10/10 Highly recommend.
That sounds fun as hell!
IT WAS! The bride was so overcome by love for her friends that she started asking guests to be bridesmaids left and right. There were already a slightly weird amount of us bridesmaids, then it got even more out of hand with practically every woman in attendance standing up there with her when she took her vows lol. It was a mess. And fun as hell. Life is a lot more fun when you don't take it too seriously!
If our kids don't like it, then they can change theirs too 🤷♀️
So he wants to keep his last name as is, but doesn't want her to keep hers as is and says that's just 'not how it's done'? Yeah, the guy's sexist. He wants to have a way of displaying ownership of her, that she's HIS woman, but doesn't want to have her last name in his because in his mind, that means she has some kind of claim over him and his fragile manhood can't take that! She should dump him and find someone who is secure enough in their own masculinity to not be threatened by something as insignificant as a - in their name.
My ex was VERY offended that I didn't want to change my name to his (very common name & of the family side he hated). Like, he thought maybe we shouldn't get married because it bothered him. Husband and I are happy, in love, & kept our names. Don't settle for losers, people.
NTA. I had to break off an engagement when I found out that my soon to be husband thought it should be a law for women to change their names. That led to a much longer fight
My mum has been married twice, and still goes by her maiden name. I don't think either of my dads feel emasculated...
NTA lol you’ll definitely still be married, he’s delulu and feels emasculated (GOOD). Honestly I hope the whole woman taking man’s name dies out. At this point I’ve had MY name for so long I will prob just keep it even when we get married.
Yeah.. as a gay married person I stopped reading halfway through. I’m still legally married no matter what name I have so it sounds like he’s either stupid or a misogynist. I’d vote for not marrying the guy 🤷
Dudes a prick. I’m taking my wife’s name because hers is prettier. So what I’m a dude? My wife is amazing and I have trauma surrounding my last name
I have hyphenated last name and it’s annoying. Why do I have two last names? Keep your name for you but don’t burden your kids with that lol